I Want You to Watch (w/ Heidi N Closet)

All right, let's get real about dating anxiety for a second. Have you ever been on a date that's going perfectly well, but then your brain just decides to sabotage you? Suddenly, the spiral starts. You're comparing them to an ex or some random person on Hinge thinking, wait, is this guy really the guy for me? I mean, we all have doubts. But if these thoughts are constant and all-consuming, you might have relationship OCD. OCD isn't just the stereotype about being neat and organized. it can actually latch on to the things you care about the most, including your love life. It creates this never-ending loop of anxiety where you're constantly asking for reassurance or analyzing every single interaction just to make yourself feel better. The good news is that it's highly treatable, but regular talk therapy isn't always enough. You need a specialized therapy called ERP, or Exposure and Response Prevention, and that is exactly what NoCD does. No CD is the world's leading provider of OCD treatment in live face-to-face virtual sessions. A licensed therapist will teach you how to take the power back from those intrusive thoughts so they don't sabotage your relationships anymore. They're covered by insurance for over 155 million Americans, and they even provide support in between sessions so you're never alone. So if you think you might be struggling with relationship OCD, don't wait. Visit NoCD.com to book a free call with their team. That's NoCD.com. We spend so much time on this show trying to figure out how to take control of our dating lives, but it's terrifying to think that there are people out there trying to take control of our actual bodies. Planned Parenthood believes we should have access to care and the freedom to make decisions about our health and futures. Whether you need STI testing and treatment, birth control, gender affirming care, abortion, or sex education, Planned Parenthood is here for you. But right now, lawmakers across the country are trying to block people from getting essential health care. They are actively trying to deny people birth control and are promoting abstinence only until marriage programs, which feels like we're moving backwards, not forwards. They want to control our bodies and our futures. Right now, millions of people could lose access to care, especially Black and Latino people, people in rural areas, and people with low incomes. Planned Parenthood believes healthcare is a human right, period. And together, we can fight to build a future where everyone can get the care they need, no matter who they are or where they live. Supporters like you power this work. Donate to support Planned Parenthood now at plannedparenthood.org slash defend. You guys know I'm always on the go. It was a hectic year, so I planned to get away to Joshua Tree with a few of my friends because we just needed to stare at some rocks and disconnect. And here's the thing about hotels. Okay, I like them. Sometimes you find a cute one, but when you're traveling with your friends, a hotel room is just not big enough. And I refuse to sit on my bed eating room service just so my friend can have the one chair that's in the room. I like a hotel pool, but I do not like fighting for a lounge chair or getting splashed by strangers. I want a kitchen where I can open a bottle of wine and just yap all night without worrying about getting a noise complaint. That's why for this trip, finding a home on Airbnb was the only option. We found this amazing cute spot on a huge property with a private pool, and it meant we could just sprawl out and enjoy our time together without being just like on top of one another. And if you only want the best, you need to look for their guest favorites. It's a badge on Airbnb that shows the most loved homes based on ratings, reviews, and reliability. It basically takes out all of the guesswork. So if you want to have fun with your friends on your next trip, book your next day on Airbnb. Want to watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description. This is a HeadGum Podcast. So you enjoy watching people? I don't know if I necessarily enjoy watching people. I'll watch. I'm more of a partaker versus the watcher. So do you like being watched? I don't mind it. I don't mind. If you want to watch, honey, I put on a spectacle. See, and I love that you know that about yourself. I don't think I'm putting on a spectacle. I think I'm like putting in the grunt work. I'm doing my best. Yeah, of course. And I don't know if it's like, if anyone would be like, oh, man, that's hot. I think they'd be like, well, she's a workhorse. She's a workhorse. And there's some people out there that love workhorses, let me tell you. And that's for somebody out there that wants to see it, trust and believe, honey. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I was so single, even though you could come on my nightstand and say, hey, that's an aspirin. My guest today is a drag queen who was crowned Miss Congeniality on RuPaul's Drag Race Season 12 and returned to slay on All Stars 8. She recently launched her own production company, Mind the Gap, very, very, very good name, featuring her new YouTube D&D show, Heidi and Deep. That's also very good. One of my favorite queens to pass through the franchise that is RuPaul's Drag Race. It's Heidi in Closet! Hi! Yeah! How are you? I'm fabulous. Thank you so much for coming back on the podcast. Back in the sense of I'm here on the show again. Now I'm not in person again. you know she's back for the first time yes that don't make no sense but listen i followed it and that's the only thing that matters if you say something with enough conviction people won't question it honey look at the president girl swindled half the country it's wild i don't like it i don't either it's bad crazy cray crazy cray so you're doing this is um you said jesse earlier because i was like this is pokemon yes yes yes yes i was trying to figure out what to wear today I was like you know what I want to be part of one of the most dynamic duo couples of all time I love that I haven't watched Pokemon in a very long time but I loved it as a youth oh I loved it I have a Jigglypuff tattoo because you give Jigglypuff I just love her Jigglypuff Jigglypuff and then you wake up with markings all over your face yes of course I love it and then I met the voice of Ash Ketchum is this woman named Sarah. And I was like, I'm so sorry. I'm going to be awful. I'm going to ask you a thing that millions have probably asked you to do. Will you do the voice for me and say I'm Ash Ketchum from Ballet Town? And she was like, yes, and she did it. And I was so happy. Just so delighted. The spheres are sickening. Is Pokemon your favorite cartoon or anime? Gosh, if it's not the number one, it's the number two for sure. I would say it's up there I've loved it for what's the what's the dueling one so it's her Pokemon and Hunter Hunter if you're an anime nerd you know if you don't you probably haven't been watching anime for like a year or so there's because there's this new wave of people who love anime now because like it's kind of like like a renaissance of people falling in love with anime and stuff and there's like a divide between like the people who's been about it forever and the people who just got into it honey if you just got into it you might not know about Hunter Hunter but I don't know about Hunter, Hunter. It's fun. It's cute. You should give it a watch. It's crazy. I like Sailor Moon. Honestly, she's probably the most powerful anime protagonist of all time. Fighting evil by moonlight. Honey. Winning love by daylight. You better. Never running from a real fight. You're like, is this still going on? Work, Diva. You're eating it. You're eating it. What Sailor Scout would you be? Mars. Okay. Fiery. A little fiery, a little angry, annoyed with the people around you. I get it. But also. in my heart of hearts, probably Sailor Moon. I've only watched the English dubbed where she's Serena and Luna's English. And I've tried to watch the other one. I don't like it. I try to watch. See, I am a dubbed watcher because like, because I think I have ADHD, so I can't focus. So, and I'm like already doing two or three things while I'm watching the anime. If I put it in the original and then I'm doing all these things, I'm gonna just be hearing stuff. I don't know what's happening. I'm like, what's going on? What's going on? what Sailor Scout would you be? I think Jupiter. Okay, I can see that. I feel like she's so, like, yeah, she's fierce. She's fabulous. I love her. She's gorgeous. I think that's a good pick. But I also love, what's her name? Chidi? Chidi? Chibi. Chibi. Chibi Moon. Yeah, she's adorable. She's fierce. Oh my God, I love it. Wait, Heidi. Yes. Recently, you tweeted something. Oh God. At Miss Nicki Minaj. Oh God. Maga Minaj. which is more than just my hair and makeup you hated. It is one of my favorite moments of Untucked. Oh, my God. Because you're sitting there. It seems like you're listening to the conversation and then you go, I have a question. Why do you hate my hair and makeup? I was set up that day. Were you? I was set up. I would call it. Production set me up that day. So I just got out of the hospital at like 6 a.m. that morning because I couldn't leave until I showed signs of getting better from my visit there. So I was going through it there and then I had to like leave the hotel at like 7.30, 8 o'clock to go to film. And of course, you know, we went through it and we did the show and everything and stuff and we got back there. So for me and the rest of the cast, we all remember her saying face. We remember her saying, I hate, hate, hate your face. I was like, oh, oh, oh. But we don't know. We think that maybe they had her do the line again or something to like do not say face because in our heads we're like that's why i said face back then and i was like how i was girl i was going crazy in the back i was like i was like honey if she comes back here i'm gonna let her know i'm gonna ask her about it and then about five minutes she walks back there i was like oh y'all testing me y'all want to see if i'm about it i'll do it i'll do it honey i'll press play girl and i did so yeah i kind of you know one of the few people who i won't say came for her but like had a moment with her and had a successful career after. So I'm of a lustrous manner, honey. I mean, you're on the right side of history. Homegirl lost her fucking mind. It's kind of crazy. It's wild. I don't get it. I don't get it either. For me personally, she is something that the far right, she's like the epitome of what they hate. Strong, black, immigrant. Yes, yes. Girl, they don't like you. Yes. They don't want you, girl. You're literally the main Democrat. And a woman with money and power. It's one of those things where it's like you're accepted until you're not. And the moment hasn't happened where they're like, we hate you. Because she's saying the things that they want her to say, they'll put up with her. But not that long ago, they were saying how she would be a bad, like, she's like a horrible role model for black women. They literally were just saying that last year. So I don't know. I don't know. Maybe the check was cute. I don't know. They just be flipping and flopping. It's exhausting. Like in the bedroom, honey. Flipping and flopping, honey. Well, speaking of the bedroom, Heidi, are you single? Are you dating? Or do you not want to say? I am currently in a very happy, committed, open relationship with my partner. We just celebrated four years last month. Congratulations. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Okay, how did you meet? God, messy gays in L.A. so basically short story long story short basically um we had this mutual friend they introduced us uh i was currently talking to someone else at the time and i was very like upfront about everything i'm like okay we can be friends but i'm also dating this person right now um and this uh this mutual friend had a crush on them and i knew that so i was like well girl you clearly are crushing them we can be friends like we'll even though you were trying to make us hook up you were trying to get hook up which is crazy i'm like i just moved out here i'm like this is how the gays out here get this is the gays are messy that's how y'all get down over here the gays are messy i'm like okay we'll meet he was cute whatever and sweet uh we hung out a couple times they kept going back and forth whether they liked him or not i was like well we're just friends it doesn't matter but it got to a point where one they were like seeing that we were together so they would get on grinder and see that we were like close to each other via the map and they would just either show up or text us be like hey what y'all doing i was like okay that's okay we're We're just hanging. And basically they got to the point where they were so jealous that they went behind my back to the guy that I was actually talking to at the time and told him that I was dating this person. And I wasn't at the time. I was because that was my friend at the time. I was like, girl, I'm not going to do that to you. So I had to cuss her out. I may have had a friend of mine snatch some of her drag gigs away because, girl, you don't fuck with me. I don't give a fuck. Honey, you cross with me. You cross me. You fuck with me. You're done. I don't care. Honey, I mean, she wasn't working anyway. so like she wasn't it is what it is she lost maybe one gig baby honey it wasn't much to snot but uh drag her I took the gigs away actually she didn't have no gigs I just won away the one gig honey that's why she got fired for Nema anyways anyways ho um so basically after that ho debacle came up cause they liked them cause they had told me that they had hooked up and it was a good thing and that's why they wanted us to meet or whatever come to find out they had never hooked up and that it was all basically a lie and stuff. And it seems like something that bears repeating with them and their friend groups. So we X'd them out, and eventually me and the guy that I was talking to stopped talking because it was like, they were actually like my quarantine boo at the time. So they lived in Ireland. So it's like the future there wasn't that much, but we were like still like, it was fresh out of quarantine, and we were like still close or whatever. So it was like that. And as a couple months passed, me and my partner now grew together closer and closer from friends. Friends became relationship. And here we are four years later. Congratulations. Thank you. I love that the long story short was still kind of long. It's a lot more. It wasn't that long. I thought it was rather concise. Thank you. It didn't go on many tangents. Not many. No, just some. Just a couple. So do you live here in LA? I do. I live near the Beverly Center. Don't tell these people where you live near. Or maybe I do tell them where I live. I think it's called Beverly Grove. It's the area of town I live in, technically. I'm like, okay, work. It still looks like WeHo to me. It's like the outskirts of WeHo. Yeah, it's the end of WeHo. Yeah, the outskirts is a perfect way to put it. But you grew up in a really small town. Yes. Ram store. Ram store, North Carolina. We called the super, honey. Yes, ma'am. Yes. Go Rams. That's the elementary school. The elementary school. That's the only one. Honey, and then there's a middle school. and then there's a high school go wildcat you want your house that's very funny you were working at a gas station before getting drag raised yes you said ugh so it wasn't it wasn't a nice time well because it was it was to be fair it was the lesser of two evil options basically it was either become a prostitute or get the job at the gas station okay so you know I decided to go work at the gas station now looking back at it I should have just been the prostitute. I mean, you could have made a little bit more money. I would have made more money and cleaned up a lot less shit. Oh. Gag. Oh. Gag That really got me good Yeah How much shit did you have to clean up at a gas station Let me tell you this One time at the gas station One time at the gas station baby So I had so I worked the night shift because at the gas station I worked at it was a small town. Almost all women worked there and so I was only male, so they would make me work night shifts, of course. Which is fine. Yeah. Completely fine. I cleaned up the whole place, whatever. Cleaned the bathrooms, got them all sparking clean for the day shift, whatever. I'm about to close up for the night and about five minutes before this man comes in. He comes in. He says, can I use the restroom? I'm like, okay, work. That's fine. That's great. Let's do it. In and out. That's fine. He goes in. He's in there for a little bit. He finally comes out. He leaves in a hurry. So I'm like, okay, let me go make sure, you know, make sure it's still a little tidy up for the morning shift or whatever. I get in that motherfucking bathroom. There's shit on the toilet. There's shit on the floor. There's shit on the door. There's shit on the sink, mirror, and the plunger. I'm like, what the fuck were you doing in here? So what did you do? I was the show. Baby, I was making $7.25 an hour, honey. So I was, baby, I was like, you know what? I called my manager. I was like, Miss Cheryl, you know that raise you just used to give me the other day? Well, there's a bunch of shit in this bathroom, mama, and I get paid $7.25 an hour. I do not get paid enough to clean up all this shit. It will be here in the morning waiting for you. Click. And went on home. And baby, I don't give a fuck. I wasn't cleaning up all that. I had already cleaned up the bathroom. I was like, you can check the cameras on it. I already clean. I ain't doing it again. I just, I wish, I wish we knew what was, if he was okay. Honey, the way he was moving, he was fine. He left with a quickness. He got the devil out. He said, I better hustle away. And bitch, it was dark-sided too for me, girl. It was horrible. I was like, you couldn't just did this outside of my home? This is crazy. Well, I'm also like, so were you hovering? but then how do you get it on the mirror? The plunger, the sink. Like on everything. Like what would you, you just, I think it was a hate crime. Oh, maybe. I think he saw this, this young, gorgeous black six-bine. Vlatuous black. He was an older white gentleman and he didn't like it. So he just went in there and wrecked my shit. And he said, I'm fucking leaving this. Girl. I love that you left it. Because 725 is not enough for that. Not that much. No. Honey, no. I cleaned up less shit when I worked at the hospital. How long did you work at the hospital? Like three months. But then I got fired, unfortunately, because this woman didn't like me. She lied on me. Yeah, okay. So she lied on me. So I was in environmental services, which is like a fancy way of saying janitor. Okay. Uh-huh, uh-huh, environmental services. So, and the thing is, so I was, we'd go around the room. We'd each get our floors or whatever. We'd go around. So not the woman in command, but the woman underneath command. Okay. Didn't like me. She was a very conservative woman. And, you know, I was a drag queen still. I was like a baby drag queen and stuff. So, you know, she doesn't really care for me that much. And she lied on me. So she said that I was dusting the rooms when there was patients in the rooms, which is because you're not supposed to do that because the patient could have a respiratory problem. Oh, yes, yes, yes. And you don't want to irritate them. And I'm sitting there like, that's a lie. I don't dust at all. Like, how dare you sit here and lie on me? I don't do that at all. You can check my duster, baby. It's not clean. It ain't dusted shit, bitch. Like, how dare you sit here and lie with me? But, you know, I can't tell the boss lady that because then I'm like, well, girl, she got me. She got me, girl. She got me. She got me. I don't do shit. I don't do anything. I take the L, girl. I took the L. I've never been fired from a job. I've only just not returned. Well, I've walked out, been fired, just never showed back up, you know. I've done it all. A whole array of things. The gambit, honey. Okay. Can I ask about your open relationship? Yes. Did you always open or did you arrive at like a point where you're like, we got to open this up? It started out as like just a monogamous relationship, but it quickly became an open relationship maybe like four or five months in between him working a lot and then me traveling and working a lot. It just didn't seem fair to either of us that we were not seeing each other often. And like we still have these bodily urges and desires and, you know, and we should. I, for me personally, I want my partner to be satisfied whether I'm there or not. Don't bring no love home. Okay. So there's rules. Yes, of course. There's rules. Don't bring love home. Baby, we're not out here looking for, unless we're looking for a sugar daddy. Okay. Honey, it's teamwork, honey, on that one. But if you're, if we're not looking for someone that we want to fall in love with, we can have, I guess, repeats, but not necessarily like, okay, this one's mine. I want him. No. Nothing, no one we can get attached to. Okay. because maybe at the end of the day, home is us. We are the end goal. But, like, honey, if you need to go get your rocks off for the night and I'm not around or I'm not in the mood to do it, go do it. And then come home, honey. Don't bring nothing home. Oh, so, like, you can, it's not just when you're away. Not just when we're away. But also neither of us are, like, super, like, out there, like, horndogs trying to, like, suck and slurp and do all that stuff to every single individual. Now, I'm probably the hornier of the two. And honey, honey, I get mine when I need to get mine. But like, I'm also not like super crazy trying to like do it with everyone. So, okay. Real quick. We got to take a break. We'll be back. 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I was like, oh no, you didn't like sluts? What? Oh no. No, yeah, we stan sluts in this household. So after Drag Race, were people sliding into your DMs and then like when you're touring or people throwing themselves at you? I think right after season 12, people were too shy to slide into my DMs. because they saw me as this very innocent, sweet, loving character. So they didn't really see, like, oh, I want to fuck that. Interesting. No, but as time's grown on and then people have gotten to see more sides of me and stuff, people, you know, they get on the DMs and stuff. And they call, you know, we got men's in different area codes and stuff, other countries and stuff. That's fun. Yeah. Do you have, like, a favorite place that you like to travel to to perform and or see the man's? To perform. I love performing the UK I love performing I do love Portland, Oregon She's a good time to go party The girls are crazy there Florida to party With the gays and stuff It's also fun, New York The trade in New York Honey goes crazy Honey New York's menfolk The menfolk in New York are crazy And then there's this one in Brigham, Norway. Oh. I've never been to Norway. Me and my partner both met this Viking man. Oh. Hey, Brett. Brett! Well, it's B-R-E-C-H-T. Brett. Brett. Brett. Brett. I say it like that to him. He's like, that's not how you say it. He's like, that's not my name. Brett. Brett. He's like, I'm like, I'm throwing gang signs on him. That's those crazy way. I, Love that. I love that you just have all these men's in different areas. It's not even that I have these men's. They possess a quality about them that is enough to get me out of my panties. And that's enough for, you know, there's couples here and there. There's this one couple in New York. They're gamer nerds. And they also love wrestling, too, like me. Okay. So we just talk about that nonstop. And then they have this move called The Finish. they have a finisher. So you're fucking, you, you fuck a couple that has a signature move? Yes. When they fuck you? Yes. That's deeply wonderful. It's beautiful. Can you describe what the finisher is? Okay, so what you want to do, so you're going to be laying on your back at first. Okay. And then basically start rolling up like a fruit roll up where your posterior is somewhat at either an angle or up, up. I'm going that way. Uh-huh. While the other one, there's one holding your legs like this. Uh-huh. And, like, everything, like, is by your head and stuff. Uh-huh. So, you know, whatever you're doing down there is whatever you're doing down there. Yeah. While the other one is coming from above and just putting it down. Oh. And you just kind of have to lay there and take it. Because they have you in the submission hall, basically. And you just, that's their finisher. That sounds nice. It's lovely. It's lovely. It's lovely. I was like, so good. Sometimes you want to be a pillow princess. Yeah. Sometimes you do. I would like that. Hold me down and just. Take it. Take it. Have your way with me. What's that clip from Dalmatian? The 101 Dalmatian? Take it. The animated one? No, the Glenn Close one. I haven't seen that one in years. She goes crazy. Did you know she got to keep all of those costumes? Bitch, I'm about to swallow this mic It's just crazy She looked great during those She got to keep all of them And I'm just like, she's so smart to put that in her contract That she like gets to keep them all Also I saw that on the internet, I don't know if it's true I like thinking that it's true I hope, for her I hope it is I hope it's true, it should be It's what she deserves So you are known for having a gap in your teeth Am I? Heidi, I just want to be the first to let you know, there's a gap in your teeth. Where? So it's between the center teeth. No, no. In the middle, between the two front teeth. What is that? When did it get there? Oh, my God. Nicole! Did I lose it on the way in? Imagine. Did I just fall out? Oh, my God. That's so embarrassing. That's so embarrassing. Oh, my God. But was there at any moment growing up or like after you started having a career, that you were like, maybe I'll close the gap? Me personally, no. Good. So when I was first born and first had teeth, my baby teeth, no. I was first born with a full set of teeth. Just came out. So I think it was like second grade, first grade, second grade. I lost all four front of my baby teeth at the same time. But I didn't have a gap then. But the first front two grew in first. Yeah. So they grew into the gap. And for me personally, I would never close my gap. So my mother passed away when I was very young. And she had a gap. So I don't know her. But I like to think that my gap, I wasn't meant to have a gap. But my gap came because it's to symbolize her and our connection. So I personally would never close my gap. I love that. Even when the barbs come at me being like, you need to fix your teeth. Bitch, you need to fix your... Well, I think everyone kind of is starting to look the same. The same veneers, the same nose jaws. They look like chiclets. Blephplasties or whatever. The buccal fat removal. I'm like, I like when somebody looks different. It helps. The thing is, if everyone's the same, no one's special. And you know what? If my little gap makes me a little different that why I be that I also think it looks good Thank you I think it came in a great shape honestly It did I think it looks super endearing I don know Is that wild to say to somebody, I find your gap endearing? No. I love that because I can do so many different things with it. I can blow bubbles with my gap. Really? Uh-huh. If I had a piece of gum, I could put a little bubble through it. I can spit things through it very far. I like to pretend I'm a Pokemon and use bullet seed and just... It's kind of, it's kind of, and honey, and it's, I like to pretend I'm a Pokemon. I do. I love that. It's kind of fierce, and then, now you do have to be very careful when you're like, providing services of sorts, because I don't want to circumcise nobody. But it could be a side hustle. Honey, one good time, honey. One good time. Just to pivot back to dating. Yes, let's do it. What are some, like, red flags? Girl, they try to date your agent. They try to fuck your agent, actually. Wow. I feel like that was a specific thing. Mm-hmm. Can you bleep names? Yes. You know who you are. You know where you are. Garbage. You try to sleep with my agent. So this man. So I first started talking to this man. We had talked for about four months at this time or whatever. And I was like, do you want to start a relationship? I was like, okay, we can split. And he, I was like, I would be down to start a relationship. He was a little hesitant about it. I was like, okay, that's fine. About two weeks later, he's like, maybe we should revisit us being in a relationship. I was like, okay, let's think about it. Let's talk about it. We'll figure it out. Two days after that, I found out he tried to sleep with my agent. And I was like, and it was within the three, it was within the two weeks of me asking him to be my partner. And then him be like, we'll wait on it. And then him coming back and being like, maybe we should. So I'm like, within that time, you tried to sleep with my agent. And now you're willing to start a relationship with me. That's kind of crazy. That's nasty. I don't like that. That's moving dirty in the world. I don't like when people do shit like that. Do you know what his excuse was? When I called him out, I was like, within the two weeks where I asked you about this, you tried to sleep with my agent. Where's your head at in that? He was like, well, I've known him for years since before you even moved out here to L.A. I'm like, that does not exonerate you? No. From trying to sleep with my agent behind my back. Yes. And then trying to start a relationship with me. That's weird. Because what's like the end goal? Like, what were they trying to do? Fuck. That was it. Trying to fuck. Trying to get a nut. I'm like, baby. Also, what are y'all both going to do? You're both bottoms, baby. Just rub their butts together. Baby, I mean, both of the parts. I don't knock it, honey. Honey, if it's right, it's right, honey. Rub the purses up against each other, but baby, okay? All right. This episode is sponsored by Better Health. I used to absolutely dread Valentine's Day. I hated walking into stores and seeing the pink aisles because it just made me feel like everyone else was in this perfect, happy relationship, and I was the only one still single and struggling. But let me tell you the truth. 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So you're not paying for random brand markup. You're just paying for high quality clothing. Everything is built to hold up season after season, from the stitching to the fabrics. And I got this wonderful Mongolian cashmere sweater. It's very cute. It is chocolate brown. And when I wear it, I sometimes look naked. And then people have to look twice. And I go, it's a sweater. Don't worry about it. So refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Go to Quince.com slash Date Me for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash Date Me to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash Date Me. Wait, so let's talk about menses. What's your type of menses? Well, the type of men's is I am in a relationship. Yes, yes, yes. And the nice man in my life, he... So I guess before we got together, it moved past, like, physicality. And it was very much like, I just want someone who likes me. Yeah. And the bar is on the floor. It's so low, girl. When you say, I want somebody who likes me. You can just walk on it. Truly. Not even step over it. Truly. Walk on it, girl. Tiptoe. Girl. Slide over it. It's not that hard. But when I met him and it was like maybe our second or third date, I was like, I think he likes this. Is that fun? I think he really likes this. And I think it was maybe our third or fourth date. I was like, do you want to drive to Chino Hills to go to a Sonic the Hedgehog themed cafe? And he was just like, sure. Where is that? Wait, where is Chino? Chino Hills is like an hour north. And it was a pop up. It was not great. But then afterwards, we walked around at Barnes & Noble. Okay. And it was just, like, cute. And we found out we could just spend time together and have a nice time. Y'all can do, like, nerdy things. Are you nerdy? Do you like nerdy boys and stuff? I do, like, okay. Get into it. It's level. There's levels to nerddom. I like a nerd. I like someone who knows things because I love asking questions. Yes. Because I retain nothing. Okay. I will ask the same question in several different ways. And recently we watched Band of Brothers, which he said was a Christmas show. Oh. It is about World War II. The reason why this man thinks it's a Christmas show is because it snows in one episode and they fight through Christmas. And I said the way a straight man's mind works is sick. They're crazy. They're crazy. Mental illness is just red and rapid. I personally don't know if I could do a straight man anymore. Like a date? No, definitely not. I don't see how you do it. It seems like a lot of work. I personally, like even just being around them for an extended period of times and just like. Sometimes when I'm with his friends, I'm like, well, okay. That's enough testosterone for me. Honey, it's at its limits. We got to go home and put some makeup on and a wig. Honey, I got to go feel pretty. It's all around. I got to go tell myself I look pretty because no one here is doing it. No one's doing it? Girl, yeah. And that's why I love a gay bar. You walk in, 18 people will say how beautiful you are. And I'm like, yes. And I'm like, I am the diva. But he'll do silly things with me. Like I have a bunch of fur hats. And one night before bed, I was like, hat party. And then we just tried on all my hats. That's so fun. That's so cute. Yeah. And it's like I've dated men who'd be like, no. Or like, ugh. And like really be mad about this dumb thing I want to do. Like what's like, what? And it's like, don't you just want to have fun? I just want to have fun. Just kiki. Have a good time with the person you like. Is that a problem? Yeah. And like sometimes before sleep, like sometimes he just lets me talk. Yeah. And then he has started saying, if I stop answering, I'm sleeping. And I go, okay. Some nights. You just keep going. You don't even realize that he's done talking. Some nights he'll start snoring. And I'm like, oh. I'm obsessed. Okay. Well, I guess that's a wrap on that monologue. I love. You're like, how long has it been? How's it been? How long has it been? Sometimes I don't know. Sometimes. And then the next day I'll be like, hey, do you remember this? And he's like, no. Not at all. No. I'm trying to go to sleep. But that's where I get my energy. It's awful. I have ADHD. So, like, I'm on ADHD medicine. That kind of helps me. What does it do to you? Because I think I'm undiagnosed, so I don't have any medication for it. But I definitely feel like I'm in that realm. The doctor was like, if you get like a speedy rush, tell me immediately. And I was like, OK. So I took it. And then I remember smoking a cigarette, going to the living room and opening my mail. And I was like, huh. That was four months worth of mail that I just got through and finished. And then I was like, well, that's kind of crazy. And I was like, well, I did have this to do today. So I just started doing things. Yeah. And it blew me away that I could like finish a task. But now I have to like Kind of like walk myself through tasks Like if I start something It's like well Nicole Before you walk away finish this Let's finish this Yeah I'm notorious for that Like girl Like I'll start projects And it's just like Well girl I'll get it back to it No I get it But then sometimes I'll do four things at once Of course Multitasking I mean That's what we do Then you get confused And you go Where am I? Where's my phone? And my phone will be in my hand So you do that too Look around for my phone that's in my hand. Fully be on the phone, actually. Talk to someone. Yes, that's happened before. Where is my phone? Oh, my God. And it's like, bitch, you're talking to me on it. Literally me. My key chain looks crazy because I leave it in the door all the time. So it's long. It's like this long. And it's got giant doll babies and stuff on it. And I left it in the door the other day. Doll babies? Yeah. Like doll heads? No. What is this? Like a Bratz doll. Okay, I didn't. I'll show you my keys. I was confused and concerned for a second. I didn't know what. I know. It sounds crazy to be like, baby dolls. Baby, where the hell's my home? Oh, she's a diva doll. Wait. Can you believe? That's so cute. Leave this indoors. Just hanging? I'll open the door to my house. That's a lot. I know. and it's like this. How do you open the door and not know that it's still there? I don't know. That's crazy. Because I'll open the door, my dog will be there or I'll be like, oh, I have to do this and this and then I'll just close the door. But this has made it so it's harder to close the door. Yeah, I'd hope so. I'd hope so. It's probably hard to turn the key to a little bit. It is. Sometimes it really is just so hard. And the other day, that nice man in my life was like, so can we get rid of the keys you don't need? and I was like these I actually need them it's just keychains I'm kind of obsessed you know what do what you gotta do do what you gotta do that's how I've just like learned to deal with having ADHD by just like doing little tips or I don't know tips and tricks to like see I'm the type of person I try to leave things in places that make sense to me it might not make sense to someone else but let me tell you something I know exactly where it is I can go grab it when I want it and if someone has touched it it's not where it's supposed to be because that yeah I yeah I feel that so much and I've gotten like a little too particular sometimes because I'll be like well that pillow's not where that pillow's supposed to be and if that pillow's moved then that means that the thing that maybe I'll put something by that pillow that usually goes over there and then I'll lose it yeah and it's just like you end up hiding something away from yourself yes it's yesterday I put It was really windy, and I'm a farmer. You're a farmer? Yes, I've got vegetables, tomatoes, fruits, strawberries, cucumbers. And one of my pots fell over because it was windy. Okay, I trust. I have plants on the balcony. And then when it gets windy, it's like, well, goodbye. But I swept it up, put the broken bits in a trash bag, and then left it in the middle of the hallway inside the house because I was like, well, I'll trip over it, and then I'll have to take it downstairs. you just walk around it. Yep. Yep. For two days I walk just around it. Honey, when I come home from traveling my suitcase sits right by the door for about two, three days and then I finally unpack it. I'm like, honey, we got dollars to count. We got costumes that probably should need airing out. Airing out. Them pads. Them pads need to be airing out right now. Honey, I'll put them on the balcony. It's fine. Do you? Who? Ride you. I guess you can't wash pads. You can. Oh, you can? You can. You can. It does eat away the life cycle of the pads. But you can wash them, yes. God, that's so funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's what gives me that beautiful, curvaceous bone. Do you ever... Do you ever... Bone. Bone. Do you ever wear a chest plate? I have one. It's actually Jada's brunch that she left at my place like four years ago. that she never she never came back to scoop it up she's been back to my place and she knows I haven't but she just she has another one so like it's her old old one so I was like I don't need this basically so it's my mind now and I don't wear it for drag but like I'll wear it every once in a while just to like feel the fantasy or something like I was on TikTok Live the other night and I had this I have this outfit that like cuts like this and it's like I put it on to see what it gives and it just barely covers up the nipples I'm like baby this is a moment actually This is kind of fun. It's a little heavy for me. I don't know if... It's so heavy. I don't know if I can do it all the time. I don't know how girls like Jimbo and playing. I don't know how they do it. I think they do it because I have a chest plate that I bought for... Naturally. Oh. No I bought it Well I do have They tiny You know They small Small brisket So I have a What are they double E or something They huge And I got them silicone filled They are so heavy That's a lot. By the end of the show, I wore them four. I was like, I did a workout. That's back pain. That's crazy. But then I bought another. I have two chest plates. You have more than me. I love that you have more breastplates than me. Bob the Drag Queen was like, who did you borrow that from? Girl, okay. And I was like, I own this. These are mine. And she was like, what do you mean you own a dress? chest plate and I was like, I own due. The girls can't take you, Nicole. I'm sickening the girls can't take it. Cut it, the hostile boots, one more. I also have hip pads and butt pads. So you be out here doing the drags, too. Well, if I want to make a... The Coca-Cola. Like a, yeah, a Coca-Cola shave. Yeah. I have the equipment. To do so. To do something. I mean, we all should be ready to do so. But boy, oh boy, it's a lot, right? It's so much. My God. I can't do it on the regular for sure. And then you get so sweaty underneath. Honey, I don't sweat. I glisten. Oh, that's nice. I don't sweat, especially when I get Botox. Where do you get Botox? Just on my forehead. Let me see it. Well, it's the bangs. And I haven't had Botox in a while because she's been filming some things, so she needs to be able to act and stuff, you know. Act and react. Yes. So, you know, I haven't had Botox in a while, so the forehead can move right now. But sometimes the forehead can't move, and it's like, okay. Botox scares me a little bit. I don't love a needle. I hate needles. I literally like... You just close your eyes and like... I literally close my eyes. I'm like, okay, I can't look. I don't like get it. Can you feel it? The Botox going in or... Yeah, the needle. The needle, they use a smaller needle. Okay. And so it's smaller and like you can definitely like... You can feel it like break the skin or... Not break the skin, but like go into the skin or whatever. But like it doesn't feel like pain or anything. And that's coming from someone who hates needles too. Okay. Like it's bearable and like... because I'm arriving at an age where I'm like, I might need some Botox. You know, I don't even do like a lot of Botox. Just in my, mine's more like preventative Botox because I don't want wrinkles in my forehead. And I've seen my uncle's forehead. Love you, Uncle Bernie. But the wrinkles are rampant. Not for me personally. They're not for me personally. But he looks fine with them. I personally don't think I want them, at least not until 50, 60. So I'm trying to like prolong as long as possible before I get those. I'm like, do I want wrinkles? What if I want to look like old? I'm scared of looking old because I have kind of like a round baby face. And I'm like, am I going to look like an old, nasty baby? No, no. You're just going to look like one of those dogs with the droopy cheeks. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. I think you'll look adorable. I think you'll look great. I hope so. You give me like one of those like old ladies that are like fashionable. She's like, she dresses cutesy. She's a little, she has a spunk to her, honey. She'll talk to the stranger on the street or whatever. I can't wait for that. Walking her dog or whatever. That's what you give me. I truly can't wait for that. I hope I don't end up like, one of my neighbors is an older woman, but she goes through trash, and she talks to everybody, and she's very nosy, and I'm like, I want to be fun. The fun. Yeah, I don't want to be digging through people's trash. No. That's just too much. I'm not doing all that. I don't even like digging through my trash. Me either. I don't like trash. Wait, Heidi, I have a question. Yes, babe. Do you have any advice for single people out there who are out there and they're looking? I would say stop looking. Stop looking. Okay. For me personally, what's worked for me is get yourself together first. Love yourself first and do everything that you want to be doing. And focus that on all that energy that you're trying to focus on someone else on yourself. And when the time comes, that person that is attracted to you, that is meant for you, is going to come and see how much love and time you put into yourself. And they'll want that for themselves. And they'll come to you because they see that in you. And then you'll be able to come together. That's my advice for someone who's single and looking. Stop looking. Work on you. Love you. Period. I like that. Yeah. I truly think, like, once you kind of know what your things are, it makes it easier to... The people that... The people will flock to you. They'll attract themselves to you because of how much love and work you put into yourself. And the thing I simply didn't know, I've never really been in a relationship before this one. I've been in like a situation that wasn't like super fulfilling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I didn't realize how much y'all gotta talk. I like, we gotta talk about. What are we gonna talk about now? Like, because it's like, oh, you did this. I did that. For me, my partner is the type of person that he's very sweet and loving. and he understands me thank god and uh so i'm like an introvert and an extrovert at the same time when i'm around people and i'm out and about and stuff of course and when i'm in drag the extrovert just comes out but when i'm home alone just chilling i am a bit of an introvert and he understands that and sometimes we talk and then there's sometimes that we just sit in silence together and i love that i need someone who i can sit in silence with because like i am a bit of an introverted time still. I also, sometimes I'm introverted at times. So you get it. You get it. Because sometimes I'll be like, I just, I don't even want to like, you know, sometimes you'll like watch a movie and make jokes as the movie goes. Sometimes I'll go, I won't do that tonight. I just want to turn this off. I just want to turn my brain off and watch. And he gets that. And then he also understands where sometimes at 1130, I'll go, I'm going to do a talent show. Here's how you tap dance and I'm going to teach you. And he'll always go, I'll give it a try. I'll see what I can do. I'll see what I can do. But it's just really nice to have somebody who's there to ride with me. Yes. Ride the journey. Sometimes you'll get the Zoomies. Sometimes you want to turn your brain off and just watch them. Yes. You like to watch? TV? No. Oh, watch people fuck? Yeah, do you? I mean. Let's talk about it. I've never done it in person. No. No, I've only been in one threesome. You're missing. Oh, okay. Do tell. Do tell. It was. Was there a finisher? There wasn't a finisher, unfortunately. Girl, we got to get you back in the saddle. Unfortunately. Hmm. Do I want to tell this story? As long as you don't clip this out for social media, I'll tell it. There was a time where she was looking for money. Who knows? I got married for money. And then I was like, this was before I got married for money. I was like, what if I sat on people's faces for money? So I put an ad out on Craigslist and met this man via the internet. And we were emailing. And then I was out with my friend. I shouldn't put her name out there. Whatever. I was out with my friend. And she was like, where are you going? And I was like, OK, funny story. I'm going to go to this hotel and sit on this man's face for $150. And she was like, I'll come with you to make sure you're safe. And I said, all right. so next thing she's naked too we're like having a threesome with this man and then he leaves and then she was like did he pay you and I was like yes and she was like where's my half and I was like I thought you were just chaperoning to make sure I she came and hustled the hustle she really did I couldn't we should bleep her name we should bleep her name can we bleep it with yeah dang girl not the hustle the hustle I couldn't And then I had to give it to her. Of course. She did half the work. But then later, this was her karma. I found like two or three hundred dollars on the street. Just like a roll of a hundred dollar bills. And we were walking together and I shoved her out of the way and I grabbed it. And she was like, hey, we were together. I was like, we simply weren't. You were over there. I found it over here. I was right. So I made that money back. Plus some. Plus some, honey. And that's how you do it over here. We got to get we got. That's the thing. But we got to get you into some watching, girl. We got to get you to watch some stuff. But here's the thing about watching. Yes. Is it like a sports game? Where you cheer them on and you're like, do that? Well, it depends on the environment. Sometimes it can be that. And sometimes you're at a house party and you're just trying to, you're waiting in line to the bathroom and you just got to sit there and watch them because the only bathroom available is in the sex room. It's really funny. When I speak to people, this conversation, my friend with my, my friend with my conversation with my friend Dipper, y'all say sentences I've never heard before in my whole life. Yes. You know when you're just at the house party and the only bathroom's in the sex room and you just got to watch them before you go to the bathroom. Yeah. And you said it was just such easy. It's so funny to me. It's my truth. That's why it's so easy because it's my truth. Well, that's my truth. It was. It was my truth. So you enjoy watching people? I feel bad. I just enjoy watching people. I'll watch. I'm more of a partaker versus the watcher so do you like being watched I don't mind it I don't mind if you want to watch honey I put on a spectacle see and I love that you know that about yourself I don't think I'm putting on a spectacle I think I'm like putting in the grunt work I'm doing my best and I don't know if it's like if anyone would be like oh man that's hot I think they'd be like well she's a workhorse and there's some people out there that love workhorses. Let me tell you. And that's for somebody out there that wants to see it. Trust and believe, honey. That's nice to think about. There's somebody out there who wants to see it. There's people that want feet. There's people who want people to sit on their faces. Are you a foot girl? I don't really understand foot fetish. You can suck on my toes. All you want. I ain't putting no toe in my mouth, honey. It's like I'm too ticklish for that. Okay, I see it. I see it. Yeah. I don't mind a foot rub every now and again. Okay, yeah. That's nice. I crack up when I'm getting my toes done. So it's hard sometimes. I'm very much the type of person like, that's not for me. So there's things like toes. There's water sports. You know what water sports are? Peeing on people. Yes. I could never get peed on. Would I pee on someone? If that does it for them, I'll pee on them. I will not be peed on. I think I can pee on somebody. Yes. I don't think I want to be peed on. No. If I wanted to go get wet, I would go take a dive in the pool or something. I'm not. It's also too much to clean up, girl. Yeah, because then I got to wash my hair. Even after regular hooking up, it's a lot to clean up with the sheets and stuff. Now you want to put a tarp down? Or not put a tarp down. Now my sheets are pissy. Well, then the mattress, if it goes to the mattress protector, if you don't have a waterproof one, good luck. Girl, I could never. I could never. On 90 Day Fiance, there's a couple where she told him she was a squirter. So he brought a tarp to Madagascar to have her squirt on it. And I was like, you know what? Kind of thoughtful. It was thoughtful. She didn't love it. But I was like, the heart was in the right place. At least he's very thoughtful in thinking of what, you know. But he did cheat on her. See. She ghosted him for five days. so he flew down to the, I think, Dominican Republic to go fuck his ex-girlfriend. And I was like, in five days? That's not adding up. So he's not a good man. But his heart with the tarp was in the right place. You know, people are complicated. People are complicated. Multi-dimensional. And you know what? Sometimes you're thoughtful and sometimes you're a hoe. Sometimes you're thoughtful and sometimes you're a hoe. On that note, we've come to the end. I ask all of my guests this. Would you date me? Nicole, honestly, I would date you. I think I would. You seem like my type of energy, very sweet, loving. And I like your energy. I would date you. If I was a straight man, of course. Thank you. I love that. Do you have anything that you want to promote? Yes. I actually recently started my own production company, Mind the Gap Productions. It's a production company that focuses on highlighting black and brown and queer stories, as well as highlighting the nerddom that it is as well. So it's all the things that encompasses me, black, queer, and nerdiness. So make sure you check out Mind the Got Productions. There's a bunch of different projects we're doing right now. And where can people find it? On YouTube? You can find what our projects are on my YouTube channel, Heidi and Closet. And then on all my social media platforms, it's Heidi and Closet. Except for TikTok, it's the Heidi and Closet. And right now we're working on High D&D, which is a Dungeons & Dragons series where I invite people over. We play Dungeons & Dragons and we kiki. but my next big project I think I'm working on is going to be a show called Black and Blessed where I invite black people over and we talk about what's been blessed about in our careers and all the blessings that's come our ways but I also want to tackle a very tough subject for our community which is our relationship with religion and I feel like that is something that we don't talk about a lot but it should be talked about a lot especially in the queer world which also would you ever think about coming on Black and Blessed? Absolutely. Because you've been blessed. I have been blessed. I'm almost black. And I grew up in the church and my mother never, ever said a negative thing about a queer person. So like, like when I grew up and like heard more like talk from Christians, I was like, whoa, what? Yeah. My mom would just be like, that's how they are. And that's how God made them. And that's fine. Exactly. And that's how I was raised. And then to find out people were raised like differently. I was like, that's crazy. That doesn't make no sense. It's kind of crazy. Yeah. I would love to come on. I would love that. Ah! Well, that is all the immediate things that I'm working on right now. Do you have anything you'd like to plug? What's up? How many episodes have we done? Over 400 at this point. No one has ever asked would I like to plug anything, and that's so funny. You're welcome. Yeah, I guess I'll plug my other podcast, Best Friends with Sashir Zameda. Drag, not Drag Her, I don't host that anymore. Drag Her! Newcomers with Lauren Lapkus. We're on hiatus, but we've got a whole back catalog, 90 Day Bay with Marcy Jarrow. You can find that on Patreon. My special, which is on Netflix. It's still up. Sickening. And then I have tour dates. And that's on my link tree. It's like Nicole Byer link tree something. I don't know. My website is NicoleByerWasTaken.com. But if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Give me a five stars. Write a review. Please something nice. But if you got to say something mean, that's your heart. But if you write me something nasty hitting on me, I'll read it to WhyWon'tYouDateMePodcast at gmail.com. Please keep it short. But also, keep it creative and keep it nasty. Hi, Nicole. I'll have you come over in your underwear and lotion you up real good. There'll be a buffet of seafood. Ooh. I'll request you to make me a plate and sit on it with your juicy butt. Then feed me the mashed food. Love the show and you Jason you I think that's how I say your last name If I mispronounced it Come find me and hit me Goodbye Bye Not the mass crap oil way They're nasty That's filthy I live That was a HeadGum podcast Hey I'm Gareth Reynolds And I have a new podcast on HeadGum Called Next We Have Now this show is for people with short attention spans which is everyone. I mean, you're probably trying to skip this ad right now, but don't, because you now legally have to listen to the show. That's how law works. Next we have is very simple. Each episode has three short segments. For instance, Lisa Gilroy and I write insane revenge Yelp reviews for callers who had bad experiences with a business. The Doughboys play a game called Meal or No Meal. And Steph Tolov and I go head to head on a thought provoking game called Guess That Sound. The show is as dumb as it sounds, and we probably have more fun than we should. But it's a great time, and you should listen or watch new episodes of Next We Have every Thursday on YouTube or your favorite podcast app.