Kym Whitley & Caroline Rhea: Pools & Prison Clothes

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When you're Jeff Lewis, the drama never stops. They said that I am by far the most difficult talent that they're working with. You know, we could say we don't judge, I judge, and I was judging. Money doesn't make you an asshole, but if you're an asshole and with a ton of money, you're gonna be a bigger asshole. Why are you looking at me? No, I didn't mean to look in that direction. Why are you looking right at me? Well, Jeff Lewis has issues. Hey, welcome to Jeff Lewis has issues in today's episode. Kim Whitley and Caroline Ray joined the show. We talk about Kim's pool renovations and sneaky eating habits, plus Caroline's inappropriate wardrobe while visiting her friend in prison. The ladies are getting settled. They're putting on their headsets. That is a very good color on you, Caroline. I'm getting I got I'm getting a for improvement. It makes no sense, Jeff. She's going to take my safety pin that's covered up my titties to cover up her titties because she said this is ridiculous. Because hers are better, better to look at. Why didn't you grab a safety pin on the way to the house? Because I wanted you to have something to wait. Does no one have a safety pin? No. No, we don't. I would like to just say something. Well, let it go. Let me see. Wait, let it go. Does it open up? OK, look, mine does. Hers does. There. That's OK, but we're not seeing nipple, Kim. We're not seeing nipple. Wait, wait, you can't because the nipples tucked under is rolled up like a cinnamon bun. When you get old, that's what happens. Just roll them all up. So now Kim and I are working together. We should talk about what do you mean? Nothing. I'm just I'm. I go, oh, he's going to do your. This is what she tells me. He's going to do your bedroom because I wanted to help her with her bedroom. I mean, Jeff Lewis is going to. I go, my God, Jeff Lewis is going to do amazing. Then I go, he's taking out the pool. I go, what are you getting a water bed? Like what's happening? Yes, a lot going on. I didn't know you've been to the house, right? The tone. I've been in the time machine. I just I don't even know where to start on the interior. It's just it's it's a lot, a lot of stuff in there. So I just thought, you know, it's going to be easier. I think if I start in the backyard. So we're working on the pool. By the way, I hope you're coming back for seven seasons. I told her that I told her that. But we're doing the pool and the tennis court right now, right, Kim? No, what are you going to do the tennis court? Oh, it needs a refresh. Like we need seen it. It needs paint. It needs new netting. It needs what are those the the posts need read? Yeah, the privacy, you know, the privacy is around the privacy screen. That's all torn the winds tore it apart. The fire wins the thing. Yeah. And Josh was friends. But we've had a but Caroline, it's you know, she's not totally decisive. So we've been going back and forth about the pool depth because the pool is so deep. I don't know when they built that pool. They won't. I have a pool that's like grandfather in from the 70s and it's 12 feet. You can't have it. It can't be you. When I bought that was it at a diving board. Yes, mine did to yours is 12 feet. 12 feet. Look at that, Jeff. See, I told you six would have been OK. Six was too deep. No, it's not. Thank you. You want to be able to jump in? I have a pool now because of Jeff. I have a Jerry. You said you want to you said you want to six. Oh my God. Now Josh was upset because the big wall was deceiving. I forgot that's not where the water goes. What's wrong with the pool? It was a pool was I like the pool. Oh, it was green and you better get you better fire that pool man because he is not going to. I mean, this is I mean, we're doing pebble tech. We're doing all new tile. I don't want your pool man to ruin it. Oh, wow. I'll probably don't have to get a new. No, you have to. He's terrible. I have to know. This is so shut up. Pull man. It's very hard to find a really great. My pool guy is so amazing now, but I went through some seriously bad pool guys. We found a good one now, but I but so the house I'm in that guy's terrible, but he already ruined the plaster like your guy did. So I now have to redo it. I know, but what happens with the plaster if your house is a certain age, it's the pipes. There's certain stuff in the old pipes that come in and because I replastered my pool and then it looks like 12 pigeons peed in it every day for a month. Really? Yes. I know I'm going to do pebble tech like we're doing at Kim's. Yeah. And then we're getting we have to get you a new pool guy because he's not going to maintain it. But the problem is, is that and it's also got to be what? Is it so? Aries. I mean, we've got to go through that whole guy. I'm like, please not another Aries. So you've got it. So you have you have a good pool guy now. I do. Okay. Cause he's so good. He's he actually gets angry with me if he like he's a little too in charge, but anyway, I just I just hired a new one because we're in the same neighborhood. I hired a new one. Lupe, who's great so far, but if not, they'll get the name of your guy. My guy's amazing. Okay. So Kim, it's also, by the way, your pool has a mortgage. It is so expensive. I know this sounds ridiculous, but like it's so expensive maintaining a pool. Well, a 12 foot pool. Yeah, that's one of the reasons why we bring it up because it's easier to heat. That's what you told me. I know. So I can, I can turn on my pool heater in the morning and I can turn on my pool Peter, but I don't know. There was so heated by the end of the day, but with your pools, there's two deep. So yours was about eight, at least eight feet. So, but you, you give me mixed messages because you said that you don't want to get your hair wet. You want to walk across with a drink. You know, Jocelyn wants to be able to jump. But she has a little, I know now we can't jump in the pool. You can't dive in the pool. And he's very upset. He went out there and saw Robert because I was asleep. I didn't know Robert was going to have the cement poured in there that fast. And I woke up and it was too late, but then Victor was very nice. He took a shovel and he started digging up and he dug up at least three more inches. Now I'm going to jump. Of wet concrete. Yeah. So let me tell you what happened. First of all, how many times are we going to have to dig up another three inches Kim? Aren't we old enough? Yeah. But we'd be happy with what we have ever. This was the second time we poured concrete because we poured the first layer of concrete and we decided on six feet, which we thought was a happy medium. Joshua can't dive, but he can jump in. So then we pour the six and then she calls me up on a Saturday morning. It's too deep. It's too deep. I'm going to get my hair wet. You're not an artist like I am. Sorry, Jeff. He can't see. I said, Jeff, look at the, it went like this and then it went like that. And then it went down because now I'm going to fall down the ski slope. When it goes from three to six, what do you want? I wanted the extra concrete in the middle so it can go like this and then jump down and you're like, I hate pools like that. I was like, you like to live there. Straight with a drop off. Yes. I don't like people will do the islands. People will do. I can put it. No, no, stop it. Don't say that. What people will not drown. Let's look at the pretty gifts we got. No, they won't drown because we have it at a slope. Well, it's over now. It's over. So then I said, fine, I'll get the concrete guy back out and we bring. We'd elect it. I love that you have another area to fight with. This is so relaxing. We elected to go to five. So we go to five and then she's screaming at him that it's too shallow now. No, the guy is shoveling wet concrete out of the pool. He's pouring. He's shoveling. He's pouring. I told you he was pouring. There was no one at a yardstick or thing. I didn't know he was pouring. I said, we just spoke to him together on Saturday on speakerphone where he said he was going to be there on Monday at seven. Should have texted it and then we would have receipts. And then this is like therapy. Your whole show angle has changed. Then she yells at me. Okay. I had to put a bra on by the time I got out there. That's what she said. She goes, I had to put my bra on by the time I put my bra on and I got outside. It was poor. The whole pool was done. I heard. She had to talk to the cinnamon rolls. It was a lot going on. I heard the machine outside and I ran and I was like, oh my God. I said, what is going on? I looked out the back door and I was like, oh my God, they're pouring the concrete. So I ran back in. I was on the phone. I had to put the bra on. I had to grab the wig next to me. Then I had to find some shoes. Oh, I'm sorry. I had to put on some pants because I didn't want to scare Robert. So I ran out. Then I forgot about my mustache. Had to do a quick shave. And then I ran out there. Oh my God. Are you seriously eating on radio? Why did you put crackers? I'm sorry. No, and then on the ground, why did you do this with Jeff's gift? They were. Yes, it went. You just opened my gift. I'm so sorry. I thought this was our snack bag. I got you a chocolate croissant. You did? Yeah. Don't you show. Why is there mustard? I'm showing him our gift, but we got to show it from the. Why is there mustard in the flowers? Everyone puts that with the red wine. There is. In there. What is in there? We're looking at a beautiful spread of flowers, but then tucked in our little things. This is caviar. Is it Jeff? Now listen, we argued about this show because I got you. Listen, I don't eat caviar. That stuff is expensive, but I got you some real caviar that here. Pull out that can. What's up in there? There's a. We're just. We just. It's not spawning. Oh, it's not spawning. Chaps. There are. Love it. Love it. I love Chaps. I love Chaps. That's a great gift. You know, we all that goes with if you keep. Why does there muster? Yellow mustard. There is. I love a Justin. That's great. Yeah. Yeah. Just in. Justin. So this was a three day argument about this basket. There's a giant bottle of Chopin that we will use bottle of some. Chocolate. Chocolate that you'll never eat, but we will when we come over. There's not a chance. Okay. I'll keep those for you. Okay. You can just. Yes. Keep going. And then and then this is the other white fish caviar. There's too much. It's very expensive. Again, with you here, put it down. Dig in, get in there, Caroline, pull out the stop. Stop bossing me. Good lord woman. I am an adult. And this, I don't know. What's that? It's supposed to be in a can. I don't know why. It's a natural source of Omega three. It's sardines. I thought it was gross. I gave sardines. I know because. I brought you this. It's a shame one of your guests already opened part of your gift. No, because the prisoners, they eat sardines with crackers and mustard. So I felt like instead of your caviar, you needed to get with the people. I'm sorry. Prisoners. Yes. When you send them a care package, they always want to start. You know what? Kim's on a very low rent dating app. And wait, are you serious? Really responded. How would you know what prisoners want to eat? Because they. They DM you. They. They're going to use her. They're one phone call. Kim, they said more crackers. Well, this was the big argument. You ready? Go ahead. Show them. Okay. Magnum rod. The box seems like it was really beaten. Magnum. Condoms. Yes. And this was the big argument. God, I haven't used those in years. Oh, that's the problem. That's the problem. No, the problem was the size. Yeah. Oh, you wanted to go smaller. I did. She did. You did. I did not. Look at your hands. You thought I had a small penis? I did not. Look at his feet. Look at his hands. I didn't think. Okay. That's the whole thing. I thought that this was the right size. This is the head of the world. Magnums. And then you thought they're too big and they're going to slip off. I thought maybe she'd take a rubber band. And they're raw. But it did. Can I borrow the safety pin? Exactly. You know what? You can do the cinnamon roll technique. No way. It can be used for both men and women. I have a renovation joke. Well, that's a very thoughtful gift. I have a renovation joke for you, just you. That is a tool. Okay. Okay. You know how everyone has a friend that they bring it back to them no matter what they're talking about? We're all looking at Kim. Okay. So I was telling my friend, I said, I'm getting my kitchen renovated. And she said, as it was the most natural segue. I just had vaginal rejuvenation. I was like, wow, I kind of see. All right. And then she said, you should totally get it. And I said, you know what? I feel much more confident that someone will go in my kitchen again. Thank you. Yeah. It's large spaces. You know what? That wasn't you. It did it. Huh? No. You've all missed the joke. Can I tell you? What do you mean you've done several things? This is the problem. This very supportive audience sits in the front row of a comedy club. You know what the problem is? Too much pro talks. No, if they were laughing, no one could tell. That's right. Too much Botox. Can I tell you something though? I don't know if I made you work harder or what Caroline, but you, you are great at crowd work. I've seen a lot of comedians. You are genius at crowd work. Well, thank you very much. Thank you because I started in, you know, 1800 when you'd have to go out in the crowds and gather strangers during a hanging. I strongly suggest you see Caroline Ray, her stand up live. How about Kimmy's? Okay. I mean, let's get through the pool first. Yeah, we got to finish the pool. Oh my God. It's a five-foot on a way across. No, it's not because you removed concrete. No, we didn't remove it. You know, we did. Yes, you did. No, he didn't. He shoveled it and pushed it forward. I was there. Micro managing. We shoveled it. We pushed it forward. But you're five and a half feet now. You're five and a half feet. Your tiles going in tomorrow at 7am. Don't call me and be like, why? I didn't know they were here. You didn't tell me they were coming. I'm sorry. You, you, she will call you. No, no, this is a Leo to your area. She will call you. She will call you for the rest of your life every time she goes in that pool. She has like a selective memory. So right now I'm telling you live on the radio tomorrow, your title is going in at 7am. Not until I jackhammer another foot down. It's going to be what it's going to be. It is. Once we put the towel in the pebble thing. The one thing that I do think you're right about is the steps are deep. And I, I thought of you because I went to my jacuzzi last night and I stepped down and I almost fell in the jacuzzi because the first step is so damn deep. Shut up, Annie. But you have the same problem with your house. That deep. I don't know why the first step is like three feet. Yeah. You fall. You fall. I asked for a rail, a little safety handle. Jeff was like, I hate those things. I was like, what, what, what, what about me? Yeah. But I'm wondering if we can take a little bit of that concrete and bring those steps up because it is too deep. You're right. You're right. I did ask. I mean, we had to hold each other going down. That's why I said I need a little rail. Well, that's not good. It's not good. They got to fix that. Because Benjamin Benjamin. Benjamin. That was, but why couldn't I find a sexy Benjamin is my friend Lisa's son. And I would say instead of Joshua, I was getting past friends, children. It's more people that are just, you know, a little over 40 that we worried about. We're not worried about the kids. No, we're not worried about the kids, but over 40. That's why I said we put a little sexy rail. You know, there's no such thing. There is. How about a black iron rod or a clear? How about something guarantees you'll be electrocuted the minute you get in the pool? How about a lightning rod? No lightning rod. Is that an angle that as you go in, you're electrocuted. Okay. How about that? How about a cane? Every time I'm there, there's a new assistant. I don't know how many people are on that payroll. Can I just tell you? This is my life. I know this. I love this is so funny. Like first of all, none of them are on the payroll. None of them. Okay. They're all volunteers who want to be around Kim. Okay. None of them because the one on Saturday was not a genius. Excuse me. She pays them in Michael's coupons. I am not getting she said a woman who spends money. She goes, what about? Okay. She goes, I have an idea. Oh, she did. She goes, let me, she goes, hear me out. And I thought it was going to be a smart idea. She said, what if we press a button and the railing comes up from the ground? Okay. I thought that was pretty good. I'm like, this girl's a moron. No. Oh my God. He's horrible. All the technology. Yeah. Okay. I thought it was pretty smart. Like what if we got Ariel from the little mermaid? But only part time and then she could cover the rent on that. And then she said circles. Like if you put, I get it. We got to fix that. A rail or some. I'm going to tell you about Kim. She must have minions. She needs to be in charge. She's Alexis Carrington from dynasty. And you, it turns out, are Linda Evans. There's a lot of people. So you go into that house. It's, there's, there's interns everywhere. I, yes. Thank you. Interns. Well, first of all, one room has been made over by a design company. Which room? The, the, look at the face. Which one? Oh my God. He's show me. The new is me. The, the ADU, the kitchen part, the new is not really off the washing and drying. You do have a nice closet. That new closet edition is nice. It's huge. Please. It's bigger than my first apartment in New York. No, it's crazy. It's ridiculous. It's a huge closet. And full and full. And full. You know what? Liberace sublets that closet. Back from the dead and sleeps in it because it makes him feel happy with all the fur. Now I'm not, I know you guys are good friends and I don't want to throw Kim under the bus. But she said you should see Caroline's house if you think I'm bad. Bitch, you did say that. Bitch. Absolutely. And luckily I have a lazy eye. You did say that. Did you hear? Bitch, bitch, bitch. Did you hear her say that? She said it. What I meant was. What did you mean? If I'm explained how I'm going to. You think I'm a collector of things. What do you think I get out of my car? Maximilist chaos. I am like one line. You're like, this is so pretty. I have to be hospitalized. I don't know why. But I have to be hospitalized. But hers is different. Mine are browns and muted colors. Hers are pinks and yellows. You walk in and you're just like, yes. It's beautiful. My house is very beautiful. It's very bright. Nobody ever leaves it. People come for two weeks. Four years later. I'm like, get out. I was going to say. Well, you posted, I think it was your daughter's room. And I thought it was really cute. Thank you. Yeah. Yours is a little dark. I should redid her room. It's a little dark in your room. There is a problem. It's not her fault. It's the structure of that house is bad 70s architecture. That's what it is. And there's a lot of big mature trees. So there's not a lot of a ton of light. But there's a lot of stuff in that house. Mine is, look at this one. Yeah, we like her stuff. Okay. Minimalist. How much stuff is in your house? Nothing. All right. Before you defend your friend, I'm going to tell you what else she said. Oh my God. Wow. She said that you will buy her antiques and that she feels an obligation to display them. I have to display them. And then you were criticizing some of the art. Which art? Oh, the black art. I said, Caroline loves the black art. She knows she can't put it in her house. What else did you say? Reminded you of something? Oh, wait a minute. I cannot believe you. You are such. I said your art. No, you're such a historian. Look at my body language. I love the art. Caroline has turned away from him. No, I love the art, but it's right next to slavery. The pieces. Oh my God. It is not. But I love the art. I love the art. I love the art. I love the art. I love the art. I love the art. Oh my God. It is not. But I have that whole collection in my kitchen. So Caroline knows that tray. I absolutely love. I bought this tray for Kim. Kim says I want that before me even giving it to her. I didn't want the tray. Now, you know what? Can you redo my. I have a new place. It's under a bus. Kim threw me there. And maybe you can renovate it. It would be much lighter. There could be a pool. No. She bought me some gifts. And I love that art piece. And I like my back. Can I tell you something, Caroline? What else did Kim say, Jeff? You're the worst marriage counselor in the world. The worst. This is Jeff as a marriage counselor. First of all, Bob would like to tell you he's sleeping with this Pilates instructor. I'm sorry, Bob. Was I not supposed to open with that? Well. And that you're much, much younger than I am. You came after me defending Kim. And you had no idea what she's been saying about you. And I thought you should know. Oh my God. You're such a housewife. Where is the commercial break? Are you serious? Commercial break. It's under the bus with us. Oh my God. But I'm going to tell you. How are you celebrating your birthday? Caroline. I get to be mean to everyone. It's my birthday. Yes. I actually think you probably have very good taste. Thank you very much. I think you've probably bought her some very nice things. She does. Unfortunately, it gets lost in the mess. So I can't see anything there because it's all piled on top of each other behind rows and rows and rows of stuff. Okay. Maybe you shouldn't come over to my house. No, he can't come over. He wasn't. Rows and rows of stuff is sort of like the lyrics to the song. Now, look at Caroline's. This is your daughter's room? Oh. That's just the guest room. Oh, it's the guest room. Oh yeah. That's the new guest room. Right. But my sister, who is so, my sister is so funny and she has just recently had to have all of her filters removed from her mind. And so she says, actually, I have something even prettier in the neck. So this is my sister. I want to get to this point in my life. She literally said this to me the other day on the phone. Boring hanging up. That's what she said, which is how we all feel. Look, I made that little voice. There's my dog. And it's cute in there, right? It is cute in there. See how bright she is. But it's curated. Yes. That's the problem that's happening over again. I have a fantastic. Nothing's curated. Collette is my. First of all. It's my art hanger. She's a mate. Look, she hates LA. This girl is amazing. And she's. What were you going to say? And she's blind. She's blind? Yes. What? She's blind and she does all the art curation. Wait, you hired a design, a blind designer. Yep. So did Kim. Oh, boom, bus runs over. Collette is legally blind and she's the most talented. Look, she does all of this. How does she do it? I don't know from what I feel by what she can see. And I guess she looks up close because she's. Yeah. Yeah. And puts it together. She does a really talented, but now I have like, okay. All right. Speaking of design is what I want to say. The basket was made by rainbows and butterfly. That is just a wire basket and he went and got all the flowers and they did that. They smell right there. The right butterfly did the most of it. He is the horse. He did. I love rainbow and butterfly. And it's just a little wire basket he got. And he was like, oh, this is. Put it on top of the little. It's beautiful. Emergency. The chapstick goes with the condoms if we have to pair things. Thank you. So we have sardines. We have caviar. We have condoms. We have mustard. Yes. Which goes with the sardines. Yes. Because of prisoners. So prisoners. You ever heard of anything like that, Caroline? No, but do you want to something really funny? I was, I was playing cards at a casino. I had like 14 hours to wait and these three really sweet guys. Of course, because you know, I'm very codependent. I have to make friends with everyone. And so we were talking for hours and these three guys, I said, you guys, how do you know each other? They had all just been released from prison for murder. No, I've been in for 27 years. And at first I was so Canadian. I was like this. I go, well, I'm sure everybody's wanted to murder someone sometime. And you guys actually followed through. Like I was like, what is wrong with you? I say stupid shit like that all the time. And it becomes you feel bad for them. And as I walked away, I said to them, I go, well, you guys, all of a sudden I got to go, I got to go. And they were so sweet. They're like, can we get a picture? And I'm like, of course you can. You can get anything you want. Just don't hurt me. And as we're taking the picture, I'm like, OK. And as I walk away, they're like, are you on Instagram? I'm like, yes, I am Amy Schumer. Were they good looking? Yeah, were they cute? OK, you guys really have some issues. Because, you know, when they just get out, they, whoo, they're going, whoo, they're going to blow your back out. Your back is blown out. No, you don't need a prisoner. Have you ever dated a prisoner? You need a prisoner. You need a prisoner that studied physiotherapy. First of all, I didn't date him when they came out. They went in and then they were a prisoner. That's how I know about sitting in the care package. There's a couple of them actually. First of all, you knew him pre-prisoner status. Yes. What was he in for? Always a conspiracy it's called, but it's selling drugs, really. I see. So he went to jail, and how long was he in jail? And did you go there for conjugal visits? They always go in for 10. And I wasn't that deep into the relationship. No, I wasn't. I, I send your basket. I'll send your box with some sardines in it and a little mustard and some crackers. That's why I gave it to you, Jeff. You got the prison box. That's what we asked for. Thank you. I'm a little concerned. Do you know something that I don't know? Rainbows and butterflies, right? So when he got out, were you there like waiting for him when he got out? No. No, I've never done that part. I've never actually gone into the prison and had, but I had friends that go into prison and they will send you home. You cannot wear like this. You can't have your chest out. No, no, no, no. Short-sleeved. I visited my friend in prison and I'm sorry. I was going to visit Mike Tyson once, but okay, go ahead. Wow. Okay. Top that. I went to visit my friend in prison and when I walked in, I've never been more recognized. It was like when you applied for a job at the prison, you were like, you have watched every episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch. You can work here. Never been more recognized. I go in and just like what they said, they said, can you back up and turn around? And I was like, what? And they said, your pants are too tight. And I said, I spoke quite extensively to the prison stylist before I arrived here. And they told me, don't, first of all, they go, don't wear a white cotton shirt or khaki pants. And I said, I won't because I don't work for Southwest Airlines. And they said, I said, why is that? And they said, because we don't want you to be mistaken for a prisoner. And I said, I find that quite hurtful. This is an all male prison. So when I went in and they said, your pants are too tight, turn around. And I said, he said, there's a Kmart about 16 miles away. Yeah, they do do that. Yes. You can go and I said, I don't, they're like, it can't be yoga pants. I go, these pants have a zipper. Okay. So then the guy goes like this. This is the creepiest. He goes, I'm, I'm going to call the warden. I'm going to do your favorite. I'm like, I don't want to favor from a guy in prison. Absolutely. Anyway, he calls the warden and I swear to God, he's like this. He goes, listen, we have someone coming to visit someone and their pants are too tight. Yeah. Extremely. And I'm like, oh my God. So then I lean over and I go, let me just tell you something. All right. These pants are not tight. I've been on a gluten-free, sugar-free diet for 10 months. And last night I ate an entire box of Russell Crowe Stover Marshmallow Santas. I'm not kidding you. This is just puffiness from the sugar. Yeah. So my whole body, it doesn't matter what I'm wearing. I'm puffy right now. They're not going to be like, they're all going to be tight. And the guy goes like this. This is the most insulting thing I've ever heard. The person, the guard goes like this. He goes, all right, no problem. He goes, listen, her pants are too tight. But I can guarantee you, and he's smiling at me, 100%, they are in no way provocative. I'm like, buddy, it's an all male prison. Nobody is going to look like people in solitary confinement. Like, no, she's very puffy. Her pants are tight. I was like, yeah. Can you believe that? I believe it. Because they're very particular. Did you have to change? I didn't. I did not go, but I have a lot of friends that had to go down to the K-Mart or the Walmart, whatever they would send them down. They had to buy new clothes and then come back. They do not let you in. And I was crying on my way out. Why? Are they worried you're going to get the domestic side in? Yes, you can't arouse anybody. You can't not arouse anybody. Because what if they lose control of you and your, you know, Southwest Airlines outfit, whatever it is, you know? But they weren't threatened by you at all. You know what, Jeff? I made that point, and now you're reiterating it with your little pus face going, but they weren't threatened by you at all. Do you know why? Because your pool is too deep. But it's supposed to yours where you just immediately. Okay. All right. I don't want to talk about the pool. You've never been to visit anybody? I don't know anybody in prison. And you know what else? This is the status. This is the status. You know the housewives. Are you kidding me? Yeah. It's currently in prison. I don't know if it's currently incarcerated. And then the saddest thing is they just want you to bring a bag of change because all they can do, well, you can't bring them anything, but they can get food out of the vending machine. Yeah. All prisons should be eliminated. They're the most evil things. Yeah. I've sent care packages. But any money on the books. But you were saying that when these guys get out of prison, they'll break your back. That's why I was just wondering if you've ever dated someone that just got out of prison. No, because I didn't want. I didn't want to. You should really be directing porn. I think that there's a whole other career. I'm fascinated with the whole prison situation. You really are. You really are. I am fascinated. We've struck a nerve here. Yeah. Aren't you interested at all? Because you don't know anyone in prison. I think I do well in prison. They wouldn't like all your pants are too tight. You'd be exhausted. Tell you that much. The line forms over here and hold on. 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Yeah, he was the artist, but he was the waiter from that night. Kim, how about getting close to the mic here? I thought I was in your living room. I'm sorry I got carried away. And my earphones. Oh, it's the radio. Oh my God. This is a show. Tell us about Italy. The first one was she went into a hat store. She came out. I think her hair was done somehow in the hat store. I don't know what happened. I knocked the door and we went to the back. Yeah. That was number one. That was interesting. That was number one. Then I was much younger, Jeff. It was number two. And we were staying at the most beautiful. Oh my God, Jeff. You don't understand. We were staying at the most beautiful hotel we checked in. And they were so excited that she was there. And the guy had watched Sabrina. And then he goes, madam, there is a small problem with your passport. Somehow there is white out on the date of your birth. And she says, she goes, you don't need to know how old I am to stay at this hotel. And I'm like, you put white out on your passport? Did you really? Oh, I'm so lonely. She was like, bitch, you don't need to know my age to pay it out. I said, I'm standing out there. Why you need to know how old I am? That's the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life. I'm not going to give you my age to stay in the old stupid hotel. Madam, we must take off the white out. I go, you put white out and then rewrote the number. I don't even know how old you are. And then she turns to me and she goes, bitch, you don't need to know how old I am either. That is it. That is the real deal. Again, this was all before, you know, I got 9-11. That's why. Oh, no, no, you can't. Oh my God. She literally wedded out her birthday. Absolutely. Then we decide, OK, we're going to get a tour. This is so. Which one was this? Oh my God. Oh, God. All right. If I can't. No, no, no, not that part. But OK, we get a tour and it says college graduate tour. So we're like, oh my God, we're going to get some hot college graduate. A man arrives. The stains on his shirt. He can't be. Yes. He's 104. Then we go to the Vatican and we go to the front of the line and he goes, just merge into the line. No, no, no. You're in the van and he tells us to go. That was the different guy. The guy in the van, we get in and he says, I'm sorry, I'm late. Yes. Can I? Can you say the F word on this? Yes, you can. OK. I'm sorry I was late. I was fucking a woman from New Jersey. I swear to God, she has three holes and we were like this. Oh, it was out of control. Oh my God. And it was me and Marla Garland and came in. We're like, that is so disgusting. We're trying to figure out the third hole. What? And we were like, say hello first. How about that? How about that? Then he goes, he goes, I swear, she is so good in bed. She is, Aries, the woman is crazy. April 13. Then she says to Marla, what is your birthday, Blondie? And Marla goes, April 13. And then he says to me, what about you Blondie? And I go, April 13. I swear to God. He turns to me. I said, don't ask me shit. Yeah. Oh, then he turns to her. They have a fight because they're both leos. You're fighting. Oh, I'll slap the dog Italian accent out his mouth. He was out of control. He was so off. Then we get these two little girls. They were just so. But it was our birthday. What are the odds that this creepy woman from New Jersey and we're both. And of course, God forbid we lie as if we're like under oath. April 13. Then we get there and the guy goes, I said, it was the, um, Parthenon. I can't remember where we were going. Anyway, it's not the Parthenon. What's the policy? The Coliseum. Wrong city. Anyway, he goes, he goes, uh, I said, are you going to park? He goes, I'm not going in. I've seen it a thousand times. That's what he said. I've seen it a thousand times. It goes, it's so hot. I have air conditioning. We're paid you all this money. And you then he goes, I got a friend. And then he goes, you pretend you're with the cruise ship and you yell, I am with the cruise ship. Wait for me. He said that he said, blend in with the line that's going in. Just walk and blend in and say, I'm with the cruise ship. And we're like this. And Marla's like, where was the cruise ship? Oh, it was bad. It was one of the best trips ever. Oh my God. Kim, by the way, we're the most beautiful villa in Italy. And all we hear is. Scorpion. Everywhere. Everywhere. She kept throwing out the lavender. I'm like, that's like, they're, they, that's how you keep them away. The hate lavender. I didn't know that they, but they're, they were not big scorpions, but they were little scorpions and they said they're the worst. So I really just closed my eyes and went to bed. She was so afraid. We're like, we're going to see a painting from the 1400s. I'm watching Shark Tale three. I was watching it. I was watching it. I was so, I don't know why I was like in this castle, they were going to all these places that I could care less. Yeah. She's pretending she's a vampire. So the Scorpion. Did you check your sheets for the scorpions? Did you check your sheets? Yeah. At night they did tell us to do that to check our sheets. Oh no, I would shake them and everything. I stayed up all night watching them, watching the scorpions. It was, I was exhausted. And then you just, you walk in and there's Kim and like six scorpions and they're all watching Shark Tale. Like that. They love it. They love this movie. I can't stop. Wait, don't you go online and do real estate porn and look at the house in Italy that's $90,000 and think you can buy it and fix it? Don't you do that? I do look at real estate, but here locally, I don't really look. Yeah, sometimes once in a while, but like, oh, what's going on in Scottsdale or Vegas or New York apartments, but no, I don't really. Do you have a New York apartment? No. I'm manifesting it. You do? I think I actually, yeah. You can do whatever you want. I think I had such a good New York apartment. I want to manifest a six-foot pool. Right now, I got, yeah. Right now, unfortunately, all my energy is on Kim and her pool. Your energy, you work too fast. I'm not that person. He's in Aries. We make decisions like that. Oh, this guy. I've never seen anything like it. This guy works fast. Cancer, she goes back on her decisions. You have to know that. You're right. She goes forward and then she retreats. That's exactly what she does. You should have given me her chart first and then I would have told you how to do it. That drives me crazy. And then she gaslights me and said, I never said that. Yes, you did. Oh, you never told me that. I'm not. You'll sit here and take the sides. There's two Aries. That's exactly what she does, Caroline. It's not. She's right on the cusp. That's why. We're going to be in control. We'll make a decision. We'll retreat. We'll always second guess. Know that. That's part of her nature. She is second guessing. Always. And then because my son comes out and he was upset. You use him as an excuse. He's going to school in two years. He will never use that pool again. No. You already said that you're going to sell the house when he goes to school. Okay. Two years is a long time to use a pool. Sorry. I'm with her on this one. The pool is just for the kids. Two summers. Two summers. Two summers. No, but then she'll love it forever. Tarzan is 140 degrees in the middle of winter. We did miss a whole year because it was green. So I have not been in the pool for a year. You cannot. I'm telling you again, you have to fire that pull man. We're getting your new pull man. Yeah. He turned your pool green. Yeah. Well, he didn't do it. Remember the homeowner thing warranty. The filter broke and then they took weeks for it to come back out. Can I, is that a saltwater pool? Do we know? Can you change it? It's not saltwater. It's not saltwater. The owners told me that. I've been wondering. I was pouring salt in it. Like Morton's. Oh my God. But you know what? Are you serious? Hey, it's not a saltwater pool. But Jeff, she's trying to burn it. There have been no vampire attacks. Look at the positive. No vampires in the pool. No salt in your pool? Yes, because they told me it was a saltwater pool. I was like, let me change. Salt. I was like, I think it needs more salt to get the color. And we have to decide on the color, Jeff. I saw a pool yesterday. I know. We are. I want a nice blue. Do you want to change my color? I know. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I want a nice blue. Do you want to change my color? I know. It's a pretty blue. I don't want green. I know. If you want the color to be my color, you have to paint it white on the bottom. It's a reflection of the sun. That's a light, light, light blue. We're doing a pebble tech though. We're doing a pebble tech. We'll do a light pebble tech. We'll do a light pebble tech. Don't worry. I know what you want. You do? Why? Why? That's all my feet. It's going to hurt. No. Oh, liar lips. We're first liar lips. We're seeing Adam Jeffery. Jeffery, I thought it was going to be smooth. I'm going to lose them. What did we do in our pool? Quartz site. Quartz. We did like a quartz. We did a smoother. Wait, our pool? This is the bear? Jeff's pool. No, no, no. I always say our pool. Oh, okay. No, there's a new like little tiny little baby pebble tech that we're going to do. I think we're doing a baby pebble tech. It's a soft version. It's like a little micro pebble. Because Monroe was scraping her feet on the pebble tech on the old pool, but the new pool, we did a different kind of pebble tech. I'm going to use the same one. Okay. And you like it on your feet. It's a little me. Yes. What's Monroe giving you for your first time? Tell the truth. You might want to invest in some band-aids. Jeffery, why are we doing pebble tech? Is it cheaper? No, it's more expensive, but it's going to last forever. So why don't we do it? It doesn't need to last forever. As soon as I'm out of there, the whole thing can fall apart. No, we're going to do the softer pebbles. You are never leaving that out. We're doing the softer pebbles. Can you believe, though, what an unbelievably beautiful piece of property it is and how massive it is? Yeah. And a lot of property. I mean, I have a generator. I was telling them about the generator. I had a gala there with like what, like a thousand people and it didn't even look cool. Oh yeah, I did have the be. It's just a lot to upkeep. But Martin Mayor. Which is like, I'm supportive of selling it when Joshua goes to school. It's too much for her to keep up. It's too much house. It is far apart. It's far apart. He wants to get rid of the chicken coop. That's gone. It's gone. Yeah. And that's going to happen when you're asleep. But what if I get chickens? By the time you get your bra on, that thing's going to be, it's going to be out of there. You know what? One of the chickens is living under her left breast. We call it cinnamon roll. Cinnamon roll the chicken. Cinnamon roll the chicken. Now the crazy part is you told the pool man that you guys are really, I hope you've been filming this. This is very entertaining. She says that she has natural flotation devices, but that she's going to get a reduction. And if we don't make the pool more shallow, you told him you were going to drown. That's what you told him. You said you were going to get a reduction and that you were going to drown. Oh my God. I did tell him that because I needed him to take it down a little bit and fix it and not listen to you. This is what I found out. This is the key. They listened to Jeff. And so when Jeff is going Robert. You don't understand. That's what you can't say. It doesn't matter. You just have to tell her to give the directions of it. That's what she needs. She needs to be the boss of you and everyone. Even if you made the decision, she has to be the one to say it. What I needed was a straight line. I'm going to start texting you. I'm serious. Am I wrong? I needed a straight line. I needed to get out refreshments so they would really listen. I bought out a whole thing of dreams. Sardines and mustard. That's... He really likes the gift, Kim. He has only mentioned it twice. Why don't you take that fish and dip it into that mustard and put it on a crack and you bite it. You're going to feel like you just got out of prison, Jeff. Yes. That's good prison food. All right. We need to take a break. I got to tell the people where I'm performing when we come back. Just do it now. Okay. Louie, do it now. From Kentucky Comedy Club. That's right. It's the best comedy club. Really? April 17th through the 18th, Louisville, Kentucky, Boston City, Winery. What about... Winery, April 25th. And Detroit, the sound board, me and Sherry Shepherd for Mother's Day, May 8th. And Cleveland Improv has been moved. I'll be there May 29th. I would like to know if there are any twin men in their late nineties, neither of which have children, preferably a terminal illness that won't cause them any pain, that would like to marry us so we can stop doing this road work. This road work is no joke. Okay. It's exhausting. I know, but you two are good at it. Now go to IamKimWhitley.com for dates or venues for tickets. Correct? IamKimWhitley.com. Oh my God. Oh my goodness. You're looking at me like I'm... I don't... Because I think I forget to check it. But or any of my social media, Kim Whitley, KYM. Wait, you're not checking this? IamKimWhitley.com? How do you... Kim and I... How do you do judgment on live radio? You have eight interns. Yes. I'm gonna... You know what? I don't know how many of them they would have told her where her work was, but then she doesn't. All right. Do we want to promote your stand up? Live events. Could you say it in a less comedic, warm and welcoming way, like in an angry thing? Isn't it your turn, Caroline? All right, Caroline. Go ahead. This is working. On April 6th, I'm in Sacramento at the Well. Okay? That's a great club. And then I'm in the Tacoma Comedy Club. You're making fun of her, but you don't even know where you're going. Because all we do is travel. We work for FedEx and we're in the package. Okay. Go to carolineray.com. That's it. I know you're in Austin, April 16th through 18th. Yes. And then the next weekend, I'm in the Tacoma Comedy Club, which is owned by the guy that owns your hilarious at the Louisville Club, which is such an Adam Norwest. Okay. This is my first time. It's the best club. You're gonna love it. I like Sacramento. What are you doing for your birthday, Mimi? I'm going to dinner. Where? I'm going. Is Monroe taking you somewhere? Did she make you a card? No. She's with her other dad this week. Oh. Even for your birthday? Yeah. I was like, since it's... Okay. Kim, I love that you read a room. You can read a room. I read a room, baby. Hey, I heard that Joshua was a Wallach Outstone. Yes. At school? At the... At the first time at a public school, he could not believe it. He's so free, you know, being at these other schools and the public school, he just leaves his little wallet in his backpack and he went to the teacher. I said, did you go to the teacher? He said, yeah. She said, yeah, it's supposed to get stolen. I was like, what? She was like, you had a public school. That's what the teacher told him. I would check the teacher's wallet. I would be like, what do you mean it's supposed to be stolen? The teacher probably took it. What did he lose? He lost all his gift cards and some money. Oh. Yeah, all the birthday... I gave him gift cards. I told him not to take all the gift cards. He did. Why was he taking his gift cards to school? Because he wants to show out. After school, he wants to walk over to In-N-Out and to Starbucks and you guys want something. Oh. You know. Is it true that you go to Chick-fil-A and then you don't tell him and then you eat it in the garage? Mind your business, champ. Wait till Monroe, you're going to do it. When Monroe wants everything that you eat and like, dad, you didn't take me. You went to come in the house with a Starbucks cup and see what happens. You're going to say, I got to drink some coffee. So you pull in the garage. Pull in the garage. You eat it in the car. Real quick. Eat it real fast. Then you have to spray because if they smell the chicken on you. The fact that you have anti-chicken spray is so sad. Anti-chicken spray. Now we're not allowed to go to Target right now. You know what? It should smell like smoke. What do you tell me? Well, you know, the Target did the black people bad. So we've been boycotting, but then I heard the Target was doing well, but then I put a post in there and I said, no, no, no, you can't go back in the Target. But I sneak in there every now and then for a little birthday car. But you can't get caught, mom, black person. But if you do, you look at them and say, well, you going in too. So you both kind of busted. Yeah. The gays were not supposed to go to Chick-fil-A for a while. Yeah. So I would go in the drive-thru only. Oh my God. That's so politically correct. With a cap and sunglasses. Oh yeah, you cannot. And did you like at least make a female friend go, hey honey, what do you want? Hey, we're going to have some of this chicken. We've never been here before. Oh yeah, rainbow and butterflies. They do not. They still don't go to Chick-fil-A. You know what? Have you ever noticed that a chicken sounds like it's swearing? Fuck off. I'm sorry. That was so... I don't know how your brain would show you. I just, you know, fuck off. Thanks for listening. If you want more of this, listen to Jeff Lewis live every weekday on Sirius XM as well as the Jeff Lewis channel, exclusively on the Sirius XM app. The weather's warmer, the days are longer, and the savings are even better in the Hillary Springs sale. Right now, there's up to 40% off hundreds of made-to-measure styles. Plus, get an extra 10% off everything in our flash event. We're providing a total blackout blinds for complete darkness and a good night's sleep. And don't forget, with Hillary's, measuring and fitting is always included, so get window-wise and book your free in-home appointment today at hillarys.co.uk. But hurry, an extra 10% off everything ends on the 13th of April. Conditions apply. At 2E, we give you more. More outfit choices with 20 kilograms of luggage allowance as standard. More hotels built around what you love, like that swim-up suite. 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