#738 - JIMMY CARR + ANDREW SANTINO

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony HinchCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Bye! Yippee! Make some noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. What? Ah! Oh shit! Oh shit! And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land, huh? Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa on the horns, the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Yes, Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, the great John Dees on the keys. That is D-Madness live in the flesh. And how about one more time joining us tonight? How exciting is this? The great and powerful Zach Brown, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah! It is happening! Love and Fear at the Sphere in Las Vegas, set for December 2025 and January 2026. And the new album, Love and Fear, releases night one of their Sphere performances. That's Friday, December 5th. One more time for Zach Brown, ladies and gentlemen. Joining us all night, we're gonna have some fun. Fucking welcome to the Chaos, Zach. I love it. We're gonna have a blast tonight, people. This is an unbelievable show we have set up for you. How many of you have been fans for a long time? Make some noise if you live in Austin, Texas. Make some noise if you live somewhere else and flew in because you were able to get tickets to this show. Unbelievable. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Who's ready to start tonight's episode, huh? Wow. I mean, we got an episode sponsored by Talkspace. We got Zach Brown. We got the best stand band in the land. Every single week, I booked two of the funniest people in the world this week. Holy shit. Top, tippity, tippity top. As good as it fucking gets. Ladies and gentlemen, the return of Andrew Santino and Jimmy Carr. Yeah. Andrew motherfucking Santino is back. Jimmy Carr. One of the front runners for guests of the year. Jimmy Carr is back. Santino is back. White noise is on Hulu. He's on tour. Andrew Santino.com. Jimmy Carr, one of the nominees, 20-25 guest of the year. Jimmy Carr, one of the nominees, 20-25 guest of the year is back. Stiff competition, Rob Schneider, carrot top, you, James McCann. It's fucking crazy runnings, and you are back and in it looking better than ever. Me and you often confused for two ventriloquist dummies. And here we are working together. Working together. It's Goosebumps meets Toy Story. Welcome back, Jimmy. Jimmy Carr.com. He's on tour all over the world, Ossie, New Zealand, the entire world. Jimmy Carr.com. How you doing, Jimmy? I'm having a great time. I'm very, very pleased to be here. Kind of excited about this. Yes, me too. Nice to be helping young talent. Absolutely. Andrew Santino, it has been way too long of a goddamn time. It's been a long time. It's going to be back. Hello, mothership. Great to be here. Starting together. A long time ago, we were doing stand up together all over Los Angeles. We started together back when you were in your 50s. Hey, hey. You fucking walking mummy. All right. Shoot at me, James. Ooh, little chemistry here. Backstage, he started shit. It's a little fucking salt and cinnamon over here. Hello. Don't. And yeah, so Andrew, it's been so long that you've been on the show that maybe I should remind you that over 300 human souls signed up for the opportunity to get into tonight's bucket. It is absolutely incredible. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview. We have some fun. I'm going to find out more about them. The whole thing is improvised. Anything can happen. I'm going to let one of the members of the world's palest couple that I've ever seen in my entire life. You guys make Andrew Santino look like a Dominican Yankee player. I mean, look at the lack of color on these people. It is incredible. I think they might be ghosts. Yeah. This is fucking crazy. Are you a couple? Yeah. Yeah, that's unfortunate. If you guys make a baby, it's just going to look like a cup of cum. Some of the powerful humor that you're in for tonight. If you come on her tits, does it just look like nothing? Yeah. Let's try. Let's see it. You want to see your ghost cum, dude. All right. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. We're going to start it with a golden ticket winner. Well, we go wrangle that. Ghost cum. Right. It's the ghost cum episode of Kill Tony. Well, we go wrangle that bucket pool from the bar next door. That person finds out that their life has changed and they're about to be on the biggest show in all of comedy. We're going to bring out a golden ticket winner to start off with a brand new minute. Really, one of the most neurotic young comedians coming up. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Jack Shaw, everybody. Here we go. I got road head. I did it. And that should be illegal. No one should ever have road head, ever. It's the most dangerous thing that's ever happened to me. And if you think texting and driving is dangerous, try getting your dick sucked while driving. It is horrifying. And if you ever are offering someone road head, don't offer them road head because we can't say no to that. It's like offering a cocaine. It's like, yeah, of course I want the blow. And that's a pun. And so, you know, it was happening for me and we were driving and it was fantastic, but I'm panicking because that's what happens when you get road head because people can see you while you're driving. Dude, so you're just sitting there fucking trying to make like you're just driving and we were driving and there was a UPS driver who pulled up next to us and you know they have the big mail trucks, dude. And I'm panicking and I look over at him and he's looking at me and he goes, and that's when I learned I come from positive affirmation. No, no, no, don't clap. Stop. Stop, please, stop clapping. Stop. No. By God, he's coming, ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to cut you off right there, Jack. Welcome, welcome. That was great, Jimmy. Can I ask where your mother was driving you? No. You cannot. Jack, that was fun. Thanks. That type of bit, please, right into your awkward, nervous, neurosis. What are you talking about? I'm like a cool guy. Andrew. Yeah, this is, Trump was right, Tylenol during pregnancy. Trump was fucking right on the money, dude. This is bad. It's getting really bad. It's amazing, totally relatable to people that have had road head before. Where was this? I was on the way back from Yosemite and we were on a big mountain and I think because we were on a big mountain, she was like, oh, suck your dick. I was like, yeah. Amazing. Have you ever had road head? Yes. I'll ask you the question. What kind of car were you driving when getting this road? I was driving my Fiat. Oh my God. It's a tiny little car. It's a tiny car. It's a tiny car. Wow. Yeah. Jimmy. It was cramped. All right. Are you a cartoon? You have a very cartoon vibe. Oh, okay. I mean, I love it. Okay. But you don't feel like a real boy. Have you seen your face? It is. It is. It is. It's totally fair. Actually pretty reasonable. Yeah, yeah. It's so scary. Jimmy. The issue is the laugh suits you. Yeah. Why did you start laughing like that? I've always had like an inny laugh. Weird inny. I've got a theory on it. I think I must have rubbed the magic lamp at some point. A magic genie appeared and granted me three wishes. And there must have been a mix up. I lost something lost in translation. Yeah. And now instead of being hung like a donkey, I laugh like one. Tony, you stay quiet over there. It's just me and Jimmy now. Okay, Jack. Okay, never mind. Very funny. Sorry, I thought that was going to be so funny. And I'm being groomed. You're being reverse groomed. Yeah, my bad. The pedophile has become the rubber. Oh, wait, no. I said that wrong. The victim has become the pedophile. There it is. It's going to have been better the first time. But all right. Jack, what else is going on in life? Everything good? You know, I've been trying to find ways to deal with my anxiety. And I've been nervous to talk about this. But I've, and people in my life don't know about this, but I've been, I've found a way to deal with it. And I've been, I've been jazz scatting. Okay, let's check the way you want to do a little jazz scatting. I was thinking, I was thinking I could, I think I could jazz scat a little bit. Okay. Just... Jack's one of those guys that I can really only handle for about five minutes. And he is literally at four minutes and 51 seconds on this stage right now. And I can just feel it creeping on. Like, I kind of get sick of him. He's always great for a minute. Here he is. It's jazz scatting. It's jackshaw, everybody. Ba-ba-doo-ba-da-da-ba-ba-doo-ba-da. Ba-ba-da-da-ba-da-ba-wa. Ya-ba-da-ba-do-a-da-da-do. Ya-ba-da-ba-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Wow. Unbelievably stupid. We're going to check in with our senior music correspondent tonight, Zach Brown. What did you think about that jazz scatting that you just heard right there? I threw up in my mouth a little bit. Perfect. I think we all did. I feel like I'm in a dream sequence in an episode of Save by the Bell. It is true. He does have those creepy vibes. Andrew Santina. Yeah, just once again, the Jews stealing black art lives. Once again, dude. It is amazing. I was afraid of that, but I have jazz in my heart and come in my pants. Okay, sorry. Wow. All right. Well, you got tonight's start of fourth. You showed everybody how it goes. Jack Shaw, ladies and gentlemen. And it has begun, everybody. To the bucket we go. This is the bread and butter of the show. We're truly anything can happen. We meet people together. Sometimes it's a super talent of the future that ends up becoming an arena actor on SNL. Anything can happen. We're finding the next talent. Sometimes it's a completely mentally ill person that thought they could do this easily and it turns out life hits hard. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night is Marvin Izzy, everybody. Marvin Izzy. Y'all good? Yeah. Hell yeah, man. So I've been out here in Austin for a couple of months and saw on the news that a reporter said that these two individuals got into a kerfuffle and one of them stabbed the other and murdered him. And that shit made me sad because like 40 years of being on this earth and I ain't know what kerfuffle meant. I was looking up where's a kerfuffle Texas on Google and shit. Celebrated 18 years with my wife, which is cool, but my grandparents celebrated, they were 60 years together before they passed away. And I asked her like, what's your secret for a long relationship like that? My grandmother was like, don't worry, it's not going to happen for you. And I'm like, damn, why not? And she was like, because we've known each other since we were children. And I'm like, that's beautiful. Like, how did I even know each other since y'all were kids? And she was like, because we're cousins. So it's true. We're not, I will never achieve what they achieved because I broke up with my cousin years ago. Marvin Izzy. All right. Hell yeah. Welcome back to the show, Marvin. I remember you. You've been on before. Yes, sir. How's it going? It's been going great, man. I've been out here living in Austin for nine months and it's fucking beautiful out here, man. I love it. Right. How do you make money, Marvin? Yeah. So I... Very good question. I have a day job. I mean, I work for this factory company just doing assembly work and shit, just handle the inventory. What are you putting together in the factory? Just computer parts and stuff. I really can't say too much about it. It made me sound like NDAs. Oh, perfect. Well, then you've already said too much. Yeah. I love it. Marvin, what have you been doing for fun in life other than what have you been doing a lot of? Open mics? Yeah, I've gone out to a couple of mics and stuff, you know, signed up for the mothership every Monday, signed up here every Monday, and like, Creek and all the other ones in town that I can get out to. What do you do for a fun when you're not doing stand-up? Honestly, I just like to chill in my crib, like, you know, just... Chill in your crib? Yeah, just chill in my house, you know. We are like peas in a pot. Yeah. I love to chill in my crib. Indeed, you do. I feel like, is there a drug assist going on here? Weed. Oh, weed, you're not counting that as a... Yes. That's it. Drugs. No. That makes sense. What do you do when you're chilling at the crib? What exactly do you do? I like to, like, have a little drink, sit on my little patio area, just look at the stars and shit. Look at the stars. Look at you. Gaze and stuff. Entertain like a guy in the year 400. I think you're a fucking beautiful human being. Because you came out with like that, yo, yo, Def, what up, man? And then now we're talking, you're like, well, I like to sit on the patio. You're like a drug dealer I can take home to mom. I fucking... I like you, dude. I am actually polite, you know. Yeah, but I am from the hood. Where are you from? Where are you from? I'm originally from Bronx, New York. Okay, what's the craziest thing you ever saw in the streets of the Bronx? Oh, shit. I've seen a dude get stabbed over a Heineken bottle. Oh my God. You know what that's called? They call that a kefuffle. Yeah. Yeah. A little... Indeed, they do. A little Puerto Rican payback right there. It's like Freaky Friday, he's being me. Amazing. What did you do when you saw that? Did you try to help the stabbing victim? No, I just screamed, oh, in shock. And I lived right... It happened right across the street from a police station. And you're like, oh! Like that. Like, oh! Like, oh! You know? Is that how you said it? Yeah, something like that. Like, oh, shit, you know, like... That's the type of blood that was pouring out of the innocent victim. It was type O. Yeah. Type O, yeah. Why did I do that? Way to help him. Yeah, not. And then there was a police station right across the street. We looked at them and was like, yo, come help. And they told us to call 911. Yeah. It's a bureaucracy. You have to go to this. There's an order of events there. You can't just wave at the police. Yeah, silly. I got genuine feedback, if that's appropriate. Let's do it. You're adorable when you smile. Like, you've got a really lovely smile. Thank you. And yet you came out and you were very kind of... It was quite a harsh, kind of tough guy thing. I think laughing a little bit would be good with your set. I think I was just more focused on it because, you know, my last appearances weren't as cool as this one right now. Definitely not. I remember it was terrible. But I like it when he giggles. It's true. It's kind of funny. Jimmy's got a point. You can be focused and smile at the same time. Thank you for saying that. Oh, Okie Dokie, you do your own thing. I'm sorry. All right. There we go. It's just, it's really, someone compliments like my giggle and stuff because someone said I sound like a Puerto Rican crusty the clown. So, I, thank you. I'm sorry. You were saying? I'm sorry. Oh, thank you. Thank you for the opportunity. Really, thank you. Wow. What an opportunity you've given me. I'm so glad you pulled me out of your fucking bucket tonight so that I can talk on your show. Thank you. What is this tattoo on your form? What does that say? This is my daughter's name. It says Layla. Whoa. That says Layla? Yeah. Can we get a close up on that? Because that does not say fucking Layla. It doesn't. What language is that? It's calligraphy and I guess an apprentice did or something. I did it when I was like 18 or something, shit. So, it did one say Layla. Now, you know, I... Did you stab the tattoo artist with a Heineken bottle after that? No, no, I didn't get into any kerfuffles with him. Layla. Yeah. Like the Clapton song. What song? Yeah. Yeah. Cultured. Yeah. You don't know Layla? Layla got me on my knees. Layla. You don't know that song? No, I really don't. It's kind of like if Bad Bunny like slowed it down and had rhythm. I don't listen to Bad Bunny either. I didn't know you couldn't sing. Every time you've been on, you had a little joke book? Yeah. And I actually wanted to ask a weird thing. I wanted to trade in my little joke book. And I wanted to see if you guys, somebody here wanted to do something cool. Oh boy. It's really your moment, huh? Jesus Christ. Shit, bro. I said on my last experience. You prepared for this more than you did for the fucking minute. Took you 35 seconds to get to the kerfuffle punchline. But here you are. Well, I'd like to stop and I'd like to do something special. What are you, accepting a fucking Emmy Award right now? I think he's going to try and fuck Tony. Yeah, I think so. I wanted to shove the joke book up my ass. What's going on? So this will be the second time that I'm doing this. I'm going to cut my hair off and donate it for, you know, children to get wigs made out of. Wow. So I wanted to know. Some kid with cancer out there is going to have a greasy ponytail. You want to cut it off? Oh, okay, great. Wait, what? Andrew is going to cut off the tail here. I don't want to fucking look at it anymore. I was just the whole time. Did you sneak a pair of scissors in here? I hope you all do. I can't bring any. You got a knife? This guy's got a crazy knife. Wait a second. What are we doing here? Oh, my God. This is how it all ends, everybody. Man, man stabbed with Zach Brown's knife. Kill Tony, Zach Brown. We're all getting canceled at the same time. Joe Rogan's insurance is like, oh, here we go. Oh, my God. Wow. Unbelievable. Hi. That is a fucking knife. That is a powerful knife. This is great. You can add hair dressing to your resume. It's incredible. I was trying to follow on your footsteps, Dad. It's incredible. Beautiful. This is very healthy hair as well. Why is it still in your hand? Yeah. Well, I realized if I put it down, it will go away. Oh, it's so disgusting. Get that away from us. Please hand it to me. No, no, no, no, no. No. We're in a cancer camp. It's almost October. What do you guys want? Where do you want? Here, give it to me. I want to trade this in. Give it to that guy. You want a what? I want to trade this in. What the fuck are we going to do with that? You psycho. You spent too much time. No, you have to give it a little joke book. Staring at the stars. You keep your little joke book. All right. I'm going to give it a little joke book. Staring at the stars. You keep your little joke book. All right. Keep your little joke book. And you've moved up to a medium joke book. There you go. Boom. And the show has begun with Marvin Isoo. Fucking. There's something disgusting to me about that hair. Get out of here, Marvin. Go. Jesus fucking, just one more thing. I wanted to take the ponytail that I've cut off and trade. Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, nothing makes me forget about disgusting piles of hair better than the beautiful Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen. HeidiRegina.com, her new website. She has a new podcast with the great Valerie Dodd. There's dandruff all over this table. Very good. Red Band's been waiting 30 seconds to get the big dandruff line in there, everyone. If you look back at the video, he's waiting. He's got the mic up to his mouth to say there's dandruff on the table. I'll stop you polite. I'll stop you polite. That is a compliment. It's dandruff. It's actual hair. There is small pieces of hair. You guys ready for your next bucket pull? You get it? Ladies and gentlemen, doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds, it's Justin Tamayo, everybody. Justin Tamayo. So my buddy just came back from his honeymoon trip in the Virgin Islands. And when he was out there, the tour guide on the boat, he said, if you look just right out there, you can see Epstein's Island. What the fuck? He looked over his wife. What the fuck? He said, yeah, if you go on the beach, you grab a seashell, you can hear a kid cry. Yeah, it's fucked up. You all laughed at that, but that's... Yeah, sorry. You got any single people here? Yeah, fuck yeah. I'm doing that online dating or what I call, I keep getting tricked by fat girls. The worst kind of fat girl on there is the pregnant ones. Because no, that is not the threesome I want to have. I'm Justin Tamayo. Thank you guys. Justin Tamayo, everybody. Welcome, Justin. Is this your first time on the show? Absolutely, man. I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two and a half and some change. Where at? Just local, Austin Anderson Mill Pub. Gotta love that, the open mic. You can get on there, it's hard as shit. Wow, amazing. I have a feeling it would be so difficult for me to get a chance to perform at the Anderson Pub. I know somebody. It's so hard to do. Andrew Santino. I love your disdain for fat girls. I think that's great. I really enjoy that kind of belittling of women. I like that, dude. That's good. Especially because you're in such good shape. I like that. Fuck these fat girls, man. That's cool. Yeah. Fuck them, dude. Right on. Good for you, dude. Rock and roll. How often are you getting tricked by fat girls? How often does this happen? It happens a lot, and I'm sure every guy here can attest to it. What's the trick that they're doing? No one. How do they trick you? What are they doing? Are they using filters on their pictures? It's the angles, man. It's the angles, the hair. They put the hair, and they got the, they propped the titties up there, and it's just, every guy's like, yes, swipe, and then they're like, fuck, they see them. So you end up out on dates with these people, and then, and then what do you, how does it go? Do you end up finishing anyway? Because you're already committed. No, I mean. What do you do? Fake a stomach ache and go home early? That's good. That's good, actually. It is good. No. So what I started doing was meeting them at Wendy's. And I do... Is that true? What you're saying? It is. I do a little drive-by. Oh, man, this happens a lot. It did. It did. Are you sure you don't want anything? No, I mean, the worst thing, they get a frosty out of it, and everybody's happy, right? Okay, but seriously, though, like, what's the limit? Like, when do you decide, Jimmy Carr, you want to jump in on this? Well, yeah, I mean, the fat-shaming thing. I mean, if you're, come on, lighten up. Okay. And do you not like a larger lady? There's more cushion for the pushing. That's something. Honestly, it's... I have an air mattress topper, and if they're bigger than me, we just fall in there like a black hole. Just... Oh, this is an insecurity thing is what this is. No, I just want to be able to fuck, honestly. Oh, okay. So I can't fuck when I'm in a black hole. Maybe stop wearing shorts. You're a grown man. Okay? It's hot out here. Solid advice, I would say. Solving for comfort, I see. I like the Epstein Island thing, you know? Thank you. It was good. It was good. How did you break your nose when you were younger? Fuck. I'm gonna guess it was a fat girl. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm gonna guess that there's been a lot of fat girls at Wendy's that go to their friends afterwards and go, yeah, this fucking guy had a real crooked nose. It was weird. It was like staring at his face. It looked good in the pictures because of the angles, but then... But then when we were at Wendy's eating our bacon-aters together with Red Banna, who crossed the restaurant from him. I couldn't help but to notice that his nose was crooked as all shit. It was all I could pay attention to and think of. It's a basketball accident or something. I gotta tell you, it's the worst time to figure out you got a crooked nose right now. Right now? You've never been told this before? Never. Oh, my God. You've never been photographed before? Yeah. Must be the angle of your mirror, man. Wait till he hears what happened to his mustache. Fuck. Fuck. What do you do for work, Justin? This is... I'm a pool guy. Okay. Clean pools. Clean pools. All right. Fat girls, huh? Yeah. Catch some whales in that net. With your little shark fin nose. Fuck, man. Yeah, dude. Crooked as a motherfucker, dude. How? Can I ask you? So you're on the online dating apps. I'm not really an aficionado of such things. But how do you describe your body type? I'm finding out right now probably wrong, and I should have put in the crooked nose part now. But what crooked nose is the least of your worries? Is it? Fuck. Oh, my God. I'm talking more about the... What are you with? You look like a beak up, right? Yeah. I think he has him pushed up a little bit tonight. What do you have in your bio on your dating app? Honestly, I don't online date anymore. Oh. That was a little joke. Oh, okay. Been cooking it. Been loving getting roasted by you guys for it, so it's great. I love it. Oh, you'll be all right. I'll be good, yeah. We love you. Yeah. We still love you. Did you do any pool material? There's got to be a wealth of stories you've acquired cleaning pools. Yeah, I mean, there isn't... How I've been diving into where I write my jokes has been piece by piece, and I haven't kind of got there yet, honestly. Can I ask you a question? Yes, absolutely. Just on behalf of everyone, is there really a chemical that turns a different color if you pee in the pool? Yeah. No, no. That doesn't exist. No. Because sometimes I pee in the pool, and that's not really an issue, but sometimes I pee into the pool. That's the problem. We'll get upset with that. Right, of course. There's the splash fat. There's no chemical, so unless they can't chew, they can't handle it. Right, absolutely. I have a pool question. I heard when you smell chlorine, I always thought, wow, they just changed the water or whatever. I heard that's the actual smell of pee in the pool. No. And when you smell it, that's the dead... I could have answered that one. The dead pee. The dead chlorine that's made kills. Right, so that's right. Well, I get it. I mean, if you're just peeing in the pool, that's all you got? No. Then yeah. No. No. The smell of dead chlorine. That means they killed a pee. No, no, no. That's not what that means. Well, this is... If I put chlorine, if you put chlorine in the pool, it smells like chlorine. It doesn't mean someone pissed. Chlorine smells like chlorine. That's what I thought of. Piss smells like piss. I heard it. So many told me that. I think you should write some pool shit. Science, everybody. Right, so... You've got fucking Anthony Fauci over here trying to fudge the numbers. Our studies show that... Our studies show that if you smell chlorine, it's actually piss. By our own research, done by the pharma of suitable companies themselves. All right. Justin, what's the... What is the craziest thing you've ever found cleaning a pool? Ooh, I found two baby deers. Wow, I thought... Thank God you said deers. Because I just thought you were going to end with two babies. It was going to be the same thing. You just... Okay. How big were the deers? Was this around Christmas time? Was it perhaps... Well, no, I was just after, like, a gnarly rainstorm. So the pool got super high, and they couldn't tell when it was nighttime. They just walked in there. The pool got high? Right, yeah, it's got super... The pool went above the water level. The water level of the water. Well, no, the water level kind of just went level, and they couldn't tell... It went level. Right. You know, like a pool. Right. So, okay. Trying to reel all this... Red Band's trying to prove to me that the smell of chlorine is actually pee. He's asking AI and showing me, but the question he asks is, smell of chlorine is actually pee. When you ask it a certain way, it's going to be like, well, yes, just... Read it. The sharp pool smell is not pure chlorine, but rather chloramines, a product created when chlorine reacts with the nitrogen-containing substances found in urine, sweat, and other bodily fluids. High levels of these... Get your cigarette away from me. High levels of these chloramines indicate that there's a significant amount of bodily waste in the pool and that the chlorine is being used up fighting these contaminants rather than killing harmful bacteria. What does it say at the bottom there? No fat chips. Who wrote this? It is amazing. There's also a Postmates order that's halfway filled. The shopping cart is filled. Justin Tamayo, congratulations. You're leaving here also with a medium joke book. Congratulations. Thanks. There it goes. Justin Tamayo, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jesse Vasquez, everyone. Jesse Vasquez. Hello, everybody. What's going on? All right. We'll kill Tony. Hi. All right. AR-15 bulletproof vest, pistol, and bullets. What do we call those? School supplies. All right. All right. All right. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Speaking of shootings, we lost Charlie Clark recently. I never met the guy, but I hear he's a real pain in the neck. Oh, I'm sorry, guys. I'm sorry. I figure if I bomb hard enough, Trump will tweet about it. All right. All right. All right. I get told I look like I'm going to kill somebody. A lot. I feel like I'm probably the reason women like serial killer documentaries. Oh, I'm nervous as fuck, guys. Appreciate it. All right. All right. All right. I already said that. All right. How do you come on a senator? You fill a busted nut on her. No. All right. All right. I'm thinking of having a not-time seminar for suicide survivors. Second time's a charm. Right? No. Too dark. All right, guys. All right. Last thing real quick. Most girls don't know. They're stopping you there, Jesse. I'm going to jump in too. Yeah, that's enough. Hi, Jesse. Have you ever done stand-up before? Yes, I have. I'm nervous as fuck, Tony. Okay. Why? Why are you extra nervous right now? I'm going to kill Tony. Right? I've performed in front of maybe about 15 people who's the most of why. Okay. How many times have you attempted stand-up comedy? You memorized none of your jokes. You're not even good at reading your jokes off of the paper that you prepared. Like, literally, anybody could do what you just did. Yes, they can. Especially making fun of Charlie Clark. The most famous guy in the world right now. You got his name 50% correct. Now, fuck it up, my bad. Yeah, you fucked it all up, buddy. Yes, sir. Fucked it all up. So, again, how many times have you attempted stand-up comedy? I've been in Austin for about two months. I'd say maybe twice a week so far. Twice a week? Yeah. Okay. Yes, sir. How's it been going? You always read right off the paper like that? No, I don't. I just wrote it down. I fucking... I knew I was going to blank soon as I got up here, man. What do you do? Take a guess. I bet you get it on the first shot. I bet I don't. Fuckin' answer the question. I do delivery drivers. I do delivery... I'm a delivery driver. I do DoorDash. Okay. I do security at ACL next month. How old are you? 36. And why is it that you're just delivering things? Have you not got anything? Prison. Okay, let's talk about it. Why'd you go to prison? Okay, so... Now I'll engage. Yeah. Finally. Yeah, obviously, I went to prison. I'm pretty sure you all can tell. This is what you're good at talking about. Look how different his body language is. Okay, here we go. All right, starts moving. The nervousness is gone. I feel like this is your thing. You're the prison guy. Tell us about it. I'll take it. Yeah, well, first time I went to prison, a year and a half for weed. Okay. Uh, it's about 100 pounds of weed. And then, uh, the second... 100 pounds of weed. I've got to be there. 100 pounds of weed. That's a me's worth of weed. That's just one time. I said 33 pounds and another time with 40 pounds. Oh, my goodness. 33 and 40, and that's 100. No, no, no, no. Three separate times. 100. Very good. You have more extra pounds than Justin Tamayo's dates. Um, and then the second time I got caught, uh, well, it was a conspiracy. It was 57 illegals, uh, were being transported. Keep going. Keep going. Uh, go ahead. I rented the guy at the U-Haul that took a bunch of illegals somewhere. You ran into the guy. You rented the guy at the U-Haul. I heard that U-Haul had that business. Yes. Don't they rent the U-Hauls? I rented it for him. You rented it for him. Oh, my... Through U-Haul. Okay. And then he went and got caught with 30 people in the back, and then... It sounds very much like you were the guy. Yeah. It really does. I don't want to give you a hard time. I got receipts. So how much did the guy pay you to rent the car for them to run this extremely illegal operation? How much money did you have? $1,500. $1,500. And how long did you do in jail? Three and a half years. Wow. First. Hey, $1,500. What the... It's like an iPhone. Yeah. Yeah. Three and a half years. And those are the two times? Those are the only two times you've been to jail? To prison. Okay. I've been to jail lots of times. Okay. Tell us about some of the times you've been to jail. What a cool guy caught with smaller amounts of marijuana. It's pretty much it. Okay. A lot of weed, tickets. At any point when you were in jail, was marijuana legalized in America? No. That must be an annoying guy. He'd be very upset. But there was plenty of marijuana in the jail, so that helps. Was it all in Texas, all these things? Yes, sir. Okay. Jesse, do you know what a fall guy is? Me. Yeah. See how he knows the terminology? He knows only prison shit. When you look at your face, I could tell the guys were like, Jesse's gonna take the hit for sure. Oh, yeah. Like, this guy definitely gets busted 100%. Yeah. Jesse, tell us what was it like in prison? Tell us some of the tricks that you would do to pass the time or survive. Would you make a little like quesadilla out of Doritos? Crumbled up crumb cakes or something? It's funny that you say that, Tony. It happens a lot in there. I actually would just buy, like, I had my own store, just buy shit and resell it with stamps. Stamps is money in prison, guys. Dollar stamps. Oh, okay. Good thing. Yeah, so you walk around with a fat stack of stamps. I'm gonna shove a bunch of stamps up my ass if I ever get sent to prison. Yeah. Stampo's.com. I gotta say something. I said this to the other guy, too. Your material should be about prison. Yeah. It's not relatable, but it's fun to hear. It'll be fun, yeah. Yeah, I want to know, like, were you a bitch? Were you a gone? No. He was a bitch. Well, I know. I got kind of lucky that I'm not... He was a good-looking guy. Huh? Keep going. Keep going. Keep answering your question. Go ahead. I feel like I just look scary. I get told, like, I'm serious about that. People come up to me and tell me I look like I want to kill people, but why would you go say that to somebody? Yeah, no, it's true. It kind of makes you want to kill somebody, doesn't it? Exactly. Yeah. Thank you. But you would never. People that have been to prison multiple times never do anything like that. Never, never. But yeah, you do have the eyes of the last person someone sees, without a doubt. The trunk opens for just a moment. You see those eyes, and then it's just darkness. He's got a tattoo that says, please stop. I feel like, yeah, you look at me. You don't know if I'm going to fuck you or I'm going to kill you. Either way, I'm coming. Yeah, okay. You look very good. See, there's a good one. All right, there you go, Jesse. I feel like it's a quite, it's definitely both, and it's what order. Oh yeah, well. I personally, I hope he kills me first. The other part of that is that. He does whatever he's going to do. I think we're all in agreement. You should write a set about being in prison. Yes, sir. That's an interesting thing about being in prison. No doubt about it. I will. The edgy jokes, you've got to be so fucking good at comedy before you take on material that's that heavy. Yes, sir. Don't do it until you're ready to do it. Yeah. The juice has to be, the juice has to be worth the squeeze, right? Got it. You got nothing there. Yeah. Leave that stuff alone. Just talk about you. First person. Yeah. Hell yeah. No doubt about it. Let me ask you this. Did anyone ever try to rape you in prison? No, no. With any close calls? No, no. Okay, so did you just use your imagination and like masturbate? They're like, what did you do? Oh, they got plenty of, well, so there's guys in there. Okay, I meant. Just jerking off to a stamp, George Washington. Oh yeah. So. Yeah. More like Baberham Lincoln, am I right? This dude's hot. It's kind of neat because, so there's people that have been in there for a long time. I met a guy that went into prison the month I was born. And just saying that because. Right, man. Come on. Hey, hey, this is great. He got to meet his dad. Yeah. There's a lot of vintage porn in the prisons because they don't allow porn anymore, but they used to. So there's a lot of like 80s and 90s like, you know, magazines and shit like that. So you get a little blast from the past, you know. Hell yeah. Not the first time you've seen a hundred pounds of Bush. Were you, were you bummed that you never got picked that no one. I never got picked. I got picked on Kyltonia. I can't get picked. No, you bummed that no one in prison wanted you. Were you bummed? Well, that kind of, it's like everybody wants it. You don't want to be picked last, you know. I'll take what I can get. All right. Well, good news. What you're getting is the size of a stamp. Hey. It's a little chub. There you go, buddy. If you only caught books as well as you catch charges. Yes. There he goes. Jesse Vesquez, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my goodness. We're having fun. Some very compelling interviews by these bucket bowls. Not a big joke book yet. But great interviews. Make some noise for your next one. It's Paul Ramirez, everybody. Bucket Bowl number four. So I just got told I look like a Pokemon trainer with a fentanyl addiction. Oh yeah, dude. I sucked the Pikachu from Dick, you know. All right. That sucked. Oh yeah. I just graduated high school about a year ago today and I found out in the news I'm an old high school teacher. He got arrested for training A's and he changed for sex, which wasn't news to me because I was a straight A student back in high school. He taught me a valuable lesson though. One lesson he taught me was that sometimes in life you got to give head to get ahead, you know. High school was weird for me. I went to high school during the era of school shootings, you know. And my school came up with a program to prevent school shootings. My school came up with a program where we'd be nice to the kid who we thought was most likely to shoot up the school, you know. Which benefited me because it made me Mr. Poplar back in high school. I don't know why I was going to shoot up the school. I was too busy sucking my teacher off, you know. Thank you. Paul Ramirez with his Kill Tony debut. How old are you, Paul? Scared. What? Scared. How old are you, Paul? Oh, my bad. 22. Hold on. What did you think I said? How are you? Oh, I love it. Okay. And you were in high school until you were 21? Why? How? How did this happen, Paul? Oh, no, I'm gay. All right, all right. Okay. What did that have to do with it? I don't know, man. Okay. I ran out of things to say. It's okay, Paul. Just think of the real answers. You don't have to like have a joke prepared for everything. I'm trying too hard. Don't do that. Just answer honestly, Paul. You're doing good, buddy. Don't worry. You're panicking. I am. It's okay. Paul, close your eyes, Paul. Yeah. No, keep your eyes closed. Close your eyes, Paul. Close your eyes. It's okay. Trust us. Remember who you are. Know who you are. You're Paul. You came here tonight with some pretty good jokes. They did pretty good, huh, Paul? Yeah. Do you feel good? Yeah. Now open your eyes. Here we are, Paul. Welcome to Kill Tony. Paul Ramirez. Where are you from, Paul? El Paso. Okay. How long have you been in Austin? Two days. I love it. How long you staying for? I leave tomorrow. Okay. And what else have you, what else are your plans in Austin or what have you done since being here? I drank a bunch of beer at the hotel room. Okay. Today? Is that today? Yeah. All right. How many beers did you have? Like four. Oh my goodness. Four beers. Yeah. Did you have any drinks at the bar next door? No, it's too expensive. Okay. It's like 20 bucks for two drinks. Well, where did you get the four beers at your hotel room? Oh, Circle K. Okay. How many beers did you buy? Four? I bought a 12 pack, but I split it between my friends. Okay. You're staying in a hotel with friends. Yeah. How many guys are in this hotel room? Oh, dude, like three and one girl. Wow. Amazing. Two beds? Yeah. I sleep on the floor. Okay. Wow. Kind of odd to be a gay guy that sleeps on a floor with a bunch of dudes. Yeah, man. It's fucking sick. I creep up on them at night. Hell yeah. All right. That poor girl. Yeah, exactly. Nah, she just watches. All right. Paul, what do you... Like I said, that poor girl. Yeah. What do you do for work? And I'll pass though. Landscaping. I'm a spick. Wow. All right. Paul, close your eyes again, dude. Good God. Take it easy, Paul. Yeah. Oh, my God. Wild boy, Paul. Bad boy, Paul. Bad little naughty boy. How long have you been in stand-up? I hit four years yesterday. Wow. So you really did start when you were 18. Yeah. Okay. Then you're just still doing the high school joke because that's the one you're... Yeah, that's my best shit. Yeah, okay. Everything else is shit. Yeah. I'm gonna get... I'm gonna get... I'm gonna get... I'm gonna get... I'm gonna get... I'm gonna get... I'm gonna get... I'm gonna get... I'm gonna get... I'm gonna get... It is good. That joke is good. You like it? Good. I think it was a good little run of joke. Beyond being genuine. It was a great little joke. You had a good... You had a good... It was really good. It all tied together was very good. Thank you, man. Yeah. I like your shit, too. Yeah. Thank you, dude. I think you're... No. Paul, I... This guy's the fucking man. Yeah, I was gonna say... I love it, okay. I think you're funny. I fucking love you, Paul. I think you're funny. Then your material is... You seem naturally funny when you don't try to just immediately go like, you know, take your hands out of your pockets, relax a little bit. Paul. Uh... What's your family like? You have a big family? Uh, my mom's fat. Wow. Why do you think your mom's fat? We got a bucket pull for her. I'm sorry? Why do you think your mom's so fat? I saw her. Right, but why... What do you think she's doing to be fat? Tonight. Yeah. Did you... Not exactly the answer I was looking for, by the way. I bet. Was asking if it was something she eats or something like that. Jimmy Carr, go ahead. Did you find mom ever fucked the pool guy? No, we don't have a pool. Just dirt. We're not living in El Paso. That's true. No pools in El Paso. No, there's pools in El Paso. We don't got when we got grass, yo. You seem terrific. I love you, man. Yeah. You seem just kind of terrific, but I think that thing about going... So you're a gay guy, very straight acting, right? Uh, I'm not straight. No, no, but you're straight acting. That was suck, my bad. So that thing of like going, when did you come out? Jesus. Uh-huh. When did you come out? 2003. Oh, oh, I was gay. He answers questions in such an odd way. What did you eat for breakfast? Well, I've eaten everything for breakfast that I've ever tried for every breakfast. Yeah, but it was literal. He said, when did you come out as gay? He said 2003, when he was born into the world. That's the last vagina he was in. Yeah, that's right. That's true. Never again, he said, never again. Yuck! Are you really gay? Is this a bit? Nah, dude, I just say that when I'm nervous. Okay. Jesus, I hope this guy never goes to prison. Yeah. Ah, I was just nervous. Wow. Unbelievable. I think there's something of the Belushi's about his eyes. Yeah. There's something about your eyes that's very Belushi. And I mean that in a, you're kind of adorable. Thank you. Kind of adorable, right? He's very likable. Yeah, I like him. No doubt about it. Oh yeah. 22. Still doing jokes about how he was in high school a year ago. It's incredible. I'm gay. There you go. Catch phrase, ladies and gentlemen. It's never going to get old. I like that. Sweet. Put it on merch. You have merch that says I'm gay? No, I have merch about my mom's cock. Your mom has a cock? I hope so. Okie dokie. Again, some people, bad minutes, good interviews. Some people, good minutes, bad interviews. The good news is you're the first person leaving with a big joke book. Yeah. There you go. Paul Ramirez. Wow. Amazing. Let's get through another one here. Make some noise for your next bucket poll who seems to be the first non-Latino of the night. Four in a row, these people. Thank you, Joe Biden, for letting these people in. Alright. Make some noise for your first non-Latino bucket poll of the night. Chris Reese, everybody. Chris Reese. Oh, he might be Latino too. Chris Reese, everyone. I hate to disappoint you guys what I am half Mexican. I just got born with that white skin, thank God. Staying in this country. I've been going through a rough patch sexually, sir. So your relationship pisses me off. I have. I've been going through a rough patch sexually. So, naturally, I have to get really good at masturbating. You good at masturbating? Asian man, are you good at masturbating? How do you masturbate? Just two chopsticks on the shaft, up and down? No, I'm really good. I got a really good method for masturbating. I go on my phone, and I text all my contacts. I'm going to kill myself, shove it up my ass, and ignore the calls while I jerk off. Bzz, bzz, yeah, fuck yeah. My mom's frantically calling, and I'm ignoring her. There you go. Okay, Chris Reese. Honestly, after seeing that, I'm really surprised people are trying to stop you from killing yourself. The crowd work on the Asian man, and then straight into a vibrating phone up your ass. Welcome back, Chris, it's been a while. Yes, sir. Hell yeah, how long have you been in stand-up now? Eight years. Eight years, and what do you do for work again? I've been recently, I've been, I've built circuit boards. Okay. Yeah, this guy's my manager. Right. That guy's not even Asian. Yeah. You're not Asian? I'm half Asian. Yeah, okay, then I'm right. Not good enough. Yeah. Not good enough. I don't know if you've seen Bobby Lee, but he's used to, Asian is all fuck all, so... You're not registering as 50%, he's used to fucking... I like full, dude. I build circuit boards. Okay, what do you do for fun? What do I do for fun? Mainly, I just watch a lot of horror movies when I'm not doing stand-up. I do coloring books. Wow, horror movies and coloring books. Amazing, like spaghetti and meatballs, they go together. So, favorite coloring book, favorite horror movie. Favorite coloring book, favorite horror movie? Yeah. Favorite horror movie, The Fang? The original? The 80s one. Yeah, that's the original. No, there's one from the 50s. Whoa, oh shit. Whoa. Excellent, okay. Don't come at me with that shit. No, I love it. I love that coloring book. It's called like Dark Arts, like really detailed stuff, like horror stuff. The original one. Wow. I just, on behalf of everyone that you went to high school with, thank you for not shooting the play set. Oh, yep. With insulin, am I right? Chris, how is your health? When's the last time you've seen a doctor? Last time I saw a doctor, I must have been 12. Wow, amazing. So, I'm assuming it's fine. This rough patch that you're in dating-wise, what exactly do you mean? How is it in real life? Is it true? Dating, like serious relationships, yes, I don't do that, but when it comes to like fucking women that look like me, yeah, I'm crushing it. Has there been a guy that invites you to Wendy's and then drives off when he sees you? A guy that invites me to Wendy's and drives off? No, he's not there. Have you used that joke on stage, fucking women look like me? Yeah, like once. Keep that in. Thank you. That's a very good joke. Thank you. Yeah, with that hair and that face and those tits, it'll work every time. Oh, yeah. It's amazing. Chris, what's the most type of exercise type of thing that you do? The stairway up counts as an answer. The most exercise I do? Yeah, like- I walk to 7-Eleven. What do you get from 7-Eleven after you put in the hard work of walking there? To ketos. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I walk him off going back home. To ketos. No, no you don't. No. No, you do not. You're right. I'm lying, I take a mover back. Amazing. Can I cut your hair off? No. No, no. It's kind of my thing now. You want to give me a haircut during the show? Yeah, I cut some other guys fucking hair off. Oh, really? You want to donate your shit to Sick Kids or are you going to be a bad guy? Do I want to donate my hair to Sick Kids? Of course not. Yeah, okay. I'm going to know which ones to stay away from. He is a Sick Kid. He needs it. He's going to end up getting the Puerto Rican statue out. We should take it up a gear and circumcise him. Let's do it. You want your little tequita? He's not saying no. I didn't understand his accent. I don't have an accent. This is how things sound when they're pronounced properly. Here he goes. You have any special skills or talents or anything like that other than stand-up comedy? You good at anything? I'm a real fuck. I'm really good at coloring books. Wow. I think we all are except for D-Madness. No, I... Did they have like Braille coloring? I guess it would be stupid, right? Because you're like, which one's fucking red? I am right. Okay, thank you. My oddest skill is... My oddest skill is I'm really good at guessing like the twists in movies. Ah. Yeah. So just really useless shit. Right. What's a movie that really surprised you? What do you think the best twist in movie history is? Best twist in movie history? Yeah. You seem like a big fan of the oompa-loompas being good guys or something. Oh, are they good guys? Yeah. It's a movie called Severance that has a really good twist. None of you guys know it, but it's a really good twist. Watch it. Yeah, it's kind of like the original thing from the 50s. Yeah. Cool. All right. What joke book did you get last time you were on, Chris? The big one. Well, there you go. Did you fill it up yet? There you go. Keep working, Chris. Keep working. If you want to save a few quid British gas have away, you get half-priced lekkie, and it's called Peek Save. On every Sunday, it's the smart thing to do if you're regular folk or furry and blue. 11 till 4, let the good times begin. You could charge up the car or take the dryer for a spin. Half-priced electricity, what joy that brings with British gas Peek Save, we're taking care of things. T's and C's apply eligible tariffs and smart meter required. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of those special moments that you're never going to forget for as long as you live, because you were at Kiltoni and I'm about to bring to the stage one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. We've dealt with nothing but Latino bucket pools all night and the neurotic Jew jackshaw. But everything is about to change as I bring up the absolute king of Europe, the Estonian assassin. This is our event. The Estonian The Estonian So I just found out that in chess, you know chess, in chess they have a separate league for women. Why? In basketball it makes sense. I'm gonna jump over you. In boxing I get it. I can just fuck. But in chess too, huh? So you're telling me it's official. You guys are stupid too, huh? Don't worry honey cheeks, I looked into it. It has nothing to do with intelligence. Just that the rules are a bit different. No difficult buttons, no bishops, no knights. As a matter of fact, women close your ears for a second. Guys, they're chess playing checkers. You know in the late 90s, Gary Kasparov, the greatest chess player of all time, lost to a computer. BING! Development in civilization history. With women it happened in 1973. You guys lost to a microwave. That's my time, thank you so much. Ari Maddie showing the difference between a regular and a bucket pool and a golden ticket winner. An absolute fucking... that's hilarious. The last one was kind of stupid, I don't know why I said that. So funny. I should have stopped at the checkers part. I think you had something there. I would go to trans next. Oh! I would go to trans women in sports. I think you could be a chess champion, you're a wig away. Yes, you're a genius. A wig away. A wig away, a wig away, a wig away. You're a champion. A wig away. Alright. He's got it, Zach Brown's already. I love it. So Ari, that was an amazing, amazing fucking, amazing minute, 12 seconds. What else is going on in life? It's good to see you back. You've been gone for a while. We have missed you tremendously. Yeah, thank you so much. I mean, I did some gigs. It was amazing. I did some, I did Philadelphia, Portland. I did Vancouver with you. I did Irvine improv, amazing. So much fun. People are actually coming out. It's great. Always one step ahead of ice. Always one step ahead of ice. Don't bring it up, Jimmy. What are your favorite cities that you've been to? What do you love about them? No, Portland was awesome. Yeah, I love their homeless, you know. Yeah. They have like the cool, like, because here it's like they're on crack or some shit. You know, we got, yeah. Yeah, ours are. In Portland, they got this guy, you know, this guy. Zombie. Yeah. Just so peaceful, dude. They still got fentanyl. No. It's like an interactive walking dead experience. But they're so peaceful. I put like an ashtray on one of them. Yeah. They took the jobs of mimes. That's why you don't see mimes anymore. These motherfuckers are still. I love it. I love it. And how about Philly? What was Philly like for you? Philadelphia, yeah, they're animals there. It's great, yeah. The rest of the room got thrown out there in the show because they just keep fucking boozing and cruising. Yep, they are party people there. It was awesome, yeah. Yeah. A woman tried to fight me after the show. It was great. Ooh, what was she mad about? The checkers. I didn't even get it. I hit her before I could find out. I'm an old school guy. Smack! You are the man, Ari Maddy. You are the man. You know in Estonia, if you hit your wife, the cops show up and they go, well, what did you do? And how was Los Angeles? You were in LA last week for a long week. Dude, I was on the road in California with Martin Phillips too. Shit got, we got hit by an earthquake dude. Wow. I love the road stories of you and Martin Phillips. I know dude, never been in an earthquake. I'm freaking the fuck out. I look over at Martin Phillips. He's standing perfectly still. He's synced up. Turns out Martin isn't too shaky. The world is too still. The great Ari Maddy. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. And he does the driving when you guys are on the road. Yeah, I don't have a driver's license. It's crazy. When we get pulled over, we have David Jolley sleeping in the back. Me on the passenger seat, Martin's feeling, Martin is driving. Dude, when the cops pull us over, they don't know what the fuck is going on. They just keep, let us go. But Martin is the best to drive with because he can park fucking, clunk, clunk, anywhere. We don't give a fuck. I love when he's looking for a parking spot. I'm like, Martin, look at you. Go in the mall. No one's gonna say shit, Martin. Yeah, I did. I was gonna, I was looking for a spot. Holy shit. You know the impressions, Greg, is deep madness. Just started freaking out when you did that. That was fucking amazing. He's the master judge at vocal impressions. You fucking tell, you got my ass. Sounded like that motherfucker. Wow, and you got to go to the old motherland, the old homeland of ours, the comedy store. Yeah, it's always a big story. Place in which we all are always, we could just roll right back in there if we wanted to at any point. Just take it back over, but we like it here in Austin, just a reminder. And then here, you are thriving. What was the comedy store like for you going to? Oh yeah, it's so crazy, dude. It's such a historic place, yeah. Everyone's so nice there. Yeah, you did a lot of shows. Yeah. You got passed immediately, right? I don't think I'm passed now, but I do get on stage there and I'm grateful for that too. They just let you do spots everywhere? Yeah. They just haven't called it official yet. Yeah, yeah. To be on that wall, that's a dream, but I'll get to it when I get to it. Absolutely. I'm working on it. I've doubted about it. A lot of immigrants want to make it on that wall. Yeah. And then fucking, whew, camp Batterson on SNL, hell, that's crazy. Holy fuck. It's happening. Although, so, you know, he's not allowed to say the n-word, right? Like, they're going to beep the n-word. He's going to sound like a truck backing up, you know what I'm saying? No doubt about it. No doubt about it. Cam's going to be on fucking Weekend Update and it's just going to fucking, it's just going to... 74 seconds too late? Yeah, not a second too soon. By the way, same soundboard for 12 and a half years. He's just scanning. Oh, god. Where is it again? There's five pages of sound effects. 23. Number 23. All right. Ari, you're fucking unbelievable. You came in and shook the room. Thank you, so... Thank you, Kill Tony fans, you guys are the best. Jimmy Carter, I love you. Ari, Matty, ladies and gentlemen, the Estonian assassin has done it yet again. And now back to the bucket we go. Somebody's got to follow that. Make some noise for your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. It is Aaron West. Make some noise for Aaron, everyone. The opportunity of a lifetime to Aaron West. Howdy, howdy. Hey, thanks. You know, maybe it's true what they say. Maybe Mimas do no best. Today, my Mimas said, you're going out in that jacket. It looks like a giant, hairless ball sack. Speaking of ball sacks, do you guys eat at Olive Garden often? Now, folks, the menu at Olive Garden says, take a tour of Italy. Wow. Who knew you could take a tour of Italy without ever leaving Beaumont, Texas? Now, folks, it's easy to know if your server at the Olive Garden is into incest when they say things like, when you're here, right here, your family. Hey, Olive Garden, how the fuck are you going to have unlimited soup and then a limited amount of bathroom stalls? Your Honor, yes. I might have dropped a cannoli in the urn. Not because I wanted to, but let's just say my tour of Italy took a little detour. You guys, you guys like Chewie's Tex-Mex? Well, guess what? They just got their asses bought out by Olive Garden, which means I'm going to need to freshen up on my Spanish a little bit. My friend, how do you say incest waiter? All right. Aaron West pushing it to the limit with shitting your pants jokes. Hell yeah, Aaron. You've been on this show before, right? I have. Welcome back. Over at the Vulcan. Yeah, welcome back. Yeah. Remind us all how long you've been doing stand-up. You can take the jacket off. You already did the ball sack joke. Yeah. Make yourself at home. It's hot out there. Totally, totally worth it. I wore it all day waiting for that. Yeah. Not one. It's an outside. Keep going. Now I've been doing comedy. I haven't for eight years, but this is my third time performing in eight years. Wow. Quite the work ethic. Yeah. Take a lot of time off. Yeah. This is, yeah, okay. Yeah. Jimmy. I kind of, I thought terrible material. Nice. Yeah. Fucking incredible performance. Yeah. I don't know what your good at, but there's something there and it's very special. I couldn't... There's something very special. I couldn't agree more. I mean it is unbelievable. You seem like I'm interested in what you have to say. You're saying it in a kind of funny way. But again, the writing, absolutely unbelievable. Howdy, Mima, Olive Garden, Tour of Italy, Shitting in a Urinal and whatever the Chewies thing was at the end with no transition or segue. You guys in the Chewies text mix? Huh? Anyone? Like nowhere, but like again, do you try to write? Because like Olive Garden, Tour of Italy it's kind of a right, it's a thing. Yeah, I don't know. I guess I just, I write what I know and I, I eat a whole lot of Olive Garden. That's the funniest shit you said about Olive Garden. That's fucking, that's very funny. Feels real. I don't know, I think, I think you're a comedic actor. I think you've got a face, you've got a look, just when you walked out, I felt like, okay this guy knows what he's doing. very funny. But I think it's like someone else's writing. I think you could bring it to life. I think you really got something. And maybe it's not standard, maybe a sketch, maybe it's something else, but there's something very special about you. I really enjoyed it. Thanks. Yeah. You're great. I did bring it up last time, I don't know if it, but yeah. No, I'm four and a half years sober. So like doing comedy sober, this is my third time ever doing it sober. So it is like really shaky. I was back there like holding a water. But as opposed to the other, they're like, don't have to be overly serious about that. But you seem so confident walking out. Thanks. You seem like just you kind of own the stage. You've got great presence. But it's that thing of like, some people, maybe you need to work with some writers, maybe you need to work with some other people. Just like there's such a great community around Austin, you'll find there's such fucking funny people around here. Team up with someone, write with someone. That's a great idea. No doubt about it. Definitely whatever it takes to write differently than what you wrote tonight. Okay. What made you have to get sober four years ago? What was your problem? Cocaine and alcohol. Okay. And is that a good make he's done it? You and me both. What was the wildest night you ever had on cocaine and alcohol? Tell us what bottom was like for you. Well, I am. Yeah, I showed up. Well, no, okay, I called out of work, and I wake up at 5pm, and I call my work and I go, my God, I'm so sorry I had worked there for years. I'd never, you know, had any issue with attendance. And my boss goes, yeah, numb nuts. You already came in today. And had you clocked in, we would have fucking fired you. But you were on the line trying to cook something. And so we just told you to get lost. Yeah, I mean, I was a waiter. Like, there's no fucking reason I should have been on the line in the first place. I'm like back to like, Wow. Wow, the burger does look good. At the Olive Garden. No, I'm just a big fan. One day I'll work my way up if they'll have me. Oh, wait a second. So you were so fucked up that you went into work. This is a night shift. Oh, no, no, I'm like solely a morning restaurant worker. So it was breakfast. Yeah. Okay. At the brewery I worked at. And so you exclusively waited tables at this brewery on an almost daily basis. And one day you went in so fucked up, you went and just started cooking random shit. Yeah, I was like, what you were cooking. Do you remember what you were cooking? Do you remember any of it? I don't remember any. I mean, I literally woke up at 5 30 and was like, Oh my God, I was supposed to be there. 10 1030 Jimmy Carr, with the genius of of getting home, going up at a phone in sick, and then you'd already been to work. Yeah, it's how is that not your fucking stand up? That's amazing. It's so true. People need to talk about their real lives, what they actually know, the honesty shines through, you can feel it. So what time of the day did you call in for that shift that they already basically told you to go home? Like 5 30. PM. Yeah. Wow, seven hours into my shift. Yeah. Fucking amazing. What did you call your drug dealer afterwards ago? That was that was excellent stuff. Yeah. Is there any feedback that you give them and go, Honestly, that's some of the best. No, no, I, well, I kept, I kept partying for a few years, and I didn't lose that job. I mean, I've actually never been fired from a job. I've walked out of a job. It was actually on on six street here. It's kind of, yeah, tell us about that. You don't have to name the place if you don't want to, but just tell us. I don't really care for them. Yeah. Okay. It rhymes with it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's a place that makes bread. Okay, perfect. Just tell the fucking story. And yeah, so I just didn't enjoy working there and mid shift, they kept every time it would like start raining. I didn't have this jacket at the time. When it would start raining, they would move me to the patio. And when it was nice, whether they would move me inside and they kept like doing this shit to me. So I wasn't making any money. And this is a place where you did side work until it was like done, but we didn't close till 2am. And as restaurants work like, Hey, more silverware comes out, more silverware comes out. So you're like doing all the side work, doing all the shit. And so mid shift, the manager was like, Hey, we're going to change your section. I said, Yeah, I know I quit. And she was like, What is that? I got my section is going to change because I quit. Like I'm done. And yeah, that was it. I just, I left mid shift and I've never done that anywhere. Like I didn't feel great about it. But I was like fresh out of rehab and didn't want to be fucked around with. Stand your ground. Good on you. I was once dealing with such a bad hangover one evening that I asked you to specifically tell that story. So I mean, I think, I think I actually just hit bottom right now. Listen to you talk about finishing your side work. I was so excited to hear about the job that you walked out of. I thought it was going to be a big, cokey, alcohol infused ending. But just know you just were done that day. Me, mom. I think what Tony's trying to say is you need a story with a dead hooker in it. Yeah. Read the room. You have a girlfriend, Aaron? I do. Okay. What does she do? She works at a like homeopathic doctor's office. Adorable. Yeah, that's awesome. You have any special moves in the bedroom? Well, I don't get drunk anymore. So my dick works. Wow. You a morning sex guy or more of a nighttime guy? Mid afternoon. Whoa. Okay. Post lunch and pay, Rockets and flight cup of coffee and then at lunch or what? Well, because I get up at I get up at 6 30. I still do the breakfast restaurant thing. So like, I'm already ready to go and then I have to wait on the work talking to these knuckleheads and then I can have sex. Wow. My section changed. Okay. All right. What size joke book did you get last time? I got a large. Okay. Well, you go go go fill it up. Thanks. Ladies and gentlemen, Aaron West. All right. Thanks. On to the next one is the great Jay-Z once said. Make some noise for Mason Bird. Here we go. No rest for the wicked. It's Mason Bird, ladies and gentlemen. I got an alarm scooter the other day and I drove like two or three feet and the bike stopped. So I checked the app and it was like, Hey, just so you know, only one rider per scooter, please. Has anyone ever had to press a button to confirm they were an individual? I know the exact moment I needed to stop riding the bike. I drove by a black woman. She was like, Oh, hell no. I went to Europe and I saw the Mona Lisa, like the most famous painting of all time. And when I was there, this career couple walked up to me. They're like, Hey, can you take a photo of us? And I was like, Sure. And I thought they want to take a photo like them and the Mona Lisa, but they want to take a photo with me. They're like, This guy's so fat white and American we have to show our friends back at home. I look like World War three propaganda. There's photos of me in North Korea. This is democracy. This is freedom. This is McDonald's. Wow. An amazing set from Mason Bird. Holy shit. That was incredible. Thank you. Thank you. And you've been on this show before, right? Yes, sir. Amazing. This had to be your best set ever. Thank you. You're working hard, right? Yes, sir. Working hard. Absolutely. And remind us, how long have you been on stand up? Three years. Three years. How do you make money? I work at Jersey Mike's. Oh, yeah. There it is. Make it in Mike's way. There it is. I'm big Mike. I love it. I love it. What else you've been doing in life? What's different? What's changed? I've been going to the gym, hitting the sauna. Wow. What are you doing at the gym? Just in weights and making attractive women uncomfortable. Oh my goodness. Wow. Yeah. What are you doing to make them uncomfortable? Just existing? Yeah. Just the vibe. And what kind of workouts are you doing? What are you doing with these weights? Exactly. I like to bench. I like to squat. I like to deadlift. I like to get all the anger out. Amazing. Yes. I'm not a doctor, but whatever you're doing in the gym, you're doing it wrong. Yes. He's doing breadlifting. What's your favorite machine in the gym? Is it vending? The Gatorades. I like the blue Gatorades. Hell yeah. Absolutely. My goodness. So what type of a protein package are you using before going to the gym or after? I'll eat like a half a roast rotisserie chicken. I'll eat like a eat the other half after. It's like a reward. Have you talked to a doctor about this? Me, doctors don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. Amazing, Mason. You're killing it. You're doing it, Mason. You done that line on stage? No. Write it down. That's a fucking great line. Thank you. Tell us more about the bird family. You're not built like a bird at all. No. Dad died, threw a sliver, drank himself to death, real sad. But he was kind of a dick. Mom, still alive. She was addicted to drugs for a long time, but she's cleaned up. What kind of drugs was she addicted to? Pills. Yeah. Worked at Ford Motor Company. I have it to all of them. Do you think that this family with its addiction issues, do you think anything has trickled down to you? Do you find yourself addicted to anything at all possibly whatsoever? Is there anything you could think of that you might be addicted to a way that you treat your feelings and emotions with something? Calories. Yeah. Riddicted to calories. No, it's, yeah, it's probably this or alcoholism. So you drink too? No, I'm afraid to become like my father. There you go. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, you don't want to die young. Well, we'll see. I got to beat 50 and the odds are close enough. Hell yeah. Have you thought about the new modern weight loss drugs or anything? Have you thought about this? Yes, I think it's cheating. Like if you have to take ozempic to lose weight, you're a bitch. That's right. If you just do it, you'll do it. You hear that? You ozempic people. If you add any balls, you need a half a rotisserie chicken every day. You fucking pussies. You think it's easy, you cheaters. Go get a rotisserie chicken. You fucking losers. Back in my day, we didn't have ozempic. You wanted to lose weight yet to get AIDS. Have you considered going to a gay bar because something needs to change? They're all in prep now. It's kind of hard to get AIDS from them, you know? I tried. It's just, are you gay, Mason? Nope. Oh, okay. Shut up. Somebody just broke a beer bottle over their head and someone was so upset that you weren't gay. Son of a bitch. Fuck that. I for sure thought he was gay, too. That guy just stabbed himself with a Heineken bottle. I'm like, oh, Mason. So what's your love life like exactly? What's going on over there? You're picking them up at Jersey Mike's? No way. All right. I used to do surprisingly well, but the love life is in Austin's been pretty rough. I do, I kill in the Midwest, though, for like, in the Midwest, I'm hot. Here, I'm just some fat guy. Yeah. In the Midwest, you're a medium. Yeah. So tell us about a fun time in the Midwest that you've had. How does it go down for Mason Bird? Tell us how the bird flies. It's a flightless bird. The last time I had sex, I was like a chef at a bar and I had a knack for banging hot waitresses for some reason. And just after work, she just like, she had a boyfriend and she just threw herself at me and I found out I wasn't a good dude that night. I will help your girlfriend cheat on you. I found that out about myself. But no, she was really fun. Did you go on top or she's still alive? She's dead. Yeah, our safe word is. Wow. Mason Bird. Three years with stand-up. How much time do you think you've accumulated? About 20 minutes. About 20 minutes. Yeah. And how fast are you writing? I mean, are you do you find yourself your most recent stuff is definitely better than your past stuff? I can tell. Yeah, I try to write like five minutes a week and sometimes it's really asked. So I just get rid of it or try to make it better. But 20 minutes of good material. Yeah, amazing, Mason. Yeah. Absolutely incredible. You do that at a desk. Where do you find yourself writing? What's your process? Uh, desk. Um, desk and I'm usually just like eating chips and thinking, uh, desk. Uh, I have a recliner. I like lean back and stare at the ceiling. Um, sturdy recliner. I guess, yeah, it's kind of this turn everything off and figure it out. Amazing, Mason. Yeah. I love your style. Thank you. You're incredible. I'd love to have you on the secret show. Mason Bird is going to be on the secret show. How many times have you been on this show? Three? Three times. Yeah. And you're constantly getting better. It's absolutely incredible. It's amazing, Mason. I really love your style and I think I want to see more of you. So I'm going to make you the newest golden ticket winner here. Everyone's getting famous and blowing up. You, my friend, you, my friend have done it. That's it right there. A golden ticket for Mason Bird, everybody. Big bong. We'll see you next minute soon, Mason. Congratulations. Wow. How fun. Let's keep this fun train moving along with another very special treat, everybody. I mean, what can I say about this guy? Kill Tony Hall of Famer, who, you know, we don't get to see a ton of anymore, but when we do, we do get to see a ton of him. One of the greatest roasters and comedians in the history of the show here for a surprise poppin, Kill Tony Legend, David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. I do a lot of white shit. I hunt, I fish, I swim. I change the batteries in my smoke detector. It's so weird to me that black people will never hear those fucking smoke detectors. It's like it's fucking soothing to them. You know what I'm saying? I went to one of my friends' house the other day and his smoke detector was beeping. I'm like, nigga, you don't hear that shit? He's like, yeah, that mean it's working. I'm like, no, the fuck is not. No, but black people, we don't hear that shit. We don't change our fucking smoke detectors, bro. You ever heard the saying, if you want to hide something from a nigga, put it in the book? I didn't make it. I just repeated it. I don't think that's true. I think if you want to hide something from a nigga, you should put it in the smoke detector because we never check that shit. The fucking cure for diabetes is in the fucking smoke detector. All right, that's my time to take it off. Fuck yeah. Exactly one minute. Hilarious. Bro, that shit crazy. Jimmy Carter looked like the ghost of Tony Hinchcliffe. Nigga, that's you two weeks decomposed, bitch. That motherfucker looked like Lil' Hobo, nigga. I'm trying to see who got the remote to this nigga face. This motherfucker looked like Elder Matt Reif. All right, go ahead, Jimmy. Your goosebumps looking ass. Oh, shit. Sorry, do you need tea and crumpets? I'm not sure there's anything I could say right now that wouldn't get me canceled. Jimmy said I'm not one of those kind of black people. I'm the good guy. Well, you can still say, yeah, you can say it. I'll take it. Fucking funny. Thank you, buddy. You look like you read Dr. Seuss The Niggas in Prison. One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. David Lucas. I got one. I don't know what that nigga look like, bro. That nigga look like he hosts American Idol in Ireland. Nigga, nigga. I think he did. I think he actually did. Jimmy hosts like everything on the other side of the planet. Yeah, he hosts like every show in England. You put on a TV in England. It's just what show is Jimmy Carr hosting? That nigga need a bag of blood. That motherfucker, pale as hell. Ray, you need some of that color from Tony, bitch. You're a remarkably confident man for a guy that shape. What are you working on? Type three, Dibby? There we go. There we go. I couldn't wait for your tight mouth ass to say something. Every time the nigga talk, I want to shoot a water gun to his mouth. What are you working on? Type three, Diabetes. What do you mean? Not the smoke detector. By the way, he did it three times before you never heard of. It's red band. Hilarious. I'm a little black. I'ma come in white a little bit, bro. Once you see me dressing like fucking Team Uppi Wee Herman, nigga. Oh my god. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We got, no, no, we got to shut this down now. You're criticizing what someone's wearing. Yeah. The fuck, you talking about goodwill? Jimmy, I'm sorry you dressed like you about to go fight a parking ticket, nigga. Your ass. David Lucas. I heard I was parked illegally, but I want to see the queen. No. David is out of control right now. David Ward is comfy pants for this. This nigga's so confused because they don't got niggas like that over there. What's with the queen? I'm driven. I don't park. Oh yeah, I forgot. Told me through the hair. Told me through what's going on there. It's a lot. So in black America these are called dreadlocks. Those are thick. You got on that Queen Diana wig. Queen Diana. What's that bitch name? Master of English history. What was that bitch name? I don't remember now. What's her name? I don't remember what that bitch name was. The one who died of the park crash. Oh, Princess Diana. That's her name. Princess Diana. I said queen. You probably got confused because all them bitches looking like because y'all in bread. It looks like you're the one that's been in a lot of bread, David. Going ham tonight, finishing the other half of Mason Bird's rotisserie chicken. That's crazy. I had to follow the white version of me, nigga. Men's niggas can swap clothes and be the same person. Yeah, we did. We went from bird to pig real quick. Amazing. You look like Steve Urkel in white face. All right. What is going on? Were you molested by a British man before this? What happened to you? No, Jimmy Carter's my homie, bro. Not yet. And that gave me that Netflix deal, nigga. I've been over like Tony Hitchcliff. Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. You ain't bending over for shit. This is a guy that ties his shoes, fucking sitting up with his leg propped up over his other leg. The Illuminati did have to convince you to fuck you. You was like, yes. I don't even know what you just said. It's okay. It's okay. David, you are on fire right now. Absolutely incredible. Yes. How's life going? You good? Man, you know, life been amazing, bro. I was on the road with you this weekend, bro. We murdered sold out shows and fucking Riley in Fort Lauderdale, bro. Tony about to shoot his new hour. That shit is fantastic. I can't wait for y'all to see it. Yep. It's been really amazing, dog. And I love it so much. And also Andrew Santino had an amazing special on Hula, bro. That's right. It's out right now. White noise. I love you. I just, I just go fuck myself, shall I? I guess I'll just go fuck myself. He got a new 10 can of cookies coming out. He's on fire tonight. Sometimes you just gotta let him cook. Let him cook. Let him meet David Lucas. Hell yeah. Catch me on tour, man. You know what I'm saying? David Lucas coming to David Lucas. Hell yeah. Jesus fucking Christ, David Lucas. The regulars tonight showing how different it is having to be one of the people that used to write a minute every single week. You just have a, they have a different confidence. All found out of the bucket. This next person could be one. I mean, anything can happen. We've already given away a golden ticket. Make some noise for Donna Lee, everybody. Donna Lee. Hey everybody, how are we doing? Good? My name is Donna Lee. I have a very critical Asian mom. My mom is Thai. My dad is Irish, so I'm Thai-Rish. I had to tell my parents one day that I was going through a really gnarly divorce. And so my mom was very critical of my life decisions. She was very upset I was going to be single forever. So one day I'm in the car going to Austin to Houston and my mom called and she said, Donna, Donna, how come you're alone? You're so better, better alone. I worry for you. And I said, why am I alone? Let's unpack that together. I said, I'm alone because you and dad proved the inability to show me love and affection as a child and you never uttered the words, I love you. And because of that, I can't meet a man of substance. I can't create lasting connections and I can't hang on to a relationship for more than a few months at a time because I'm constantly and we'll always be looking for something that I cannot find mom. That's why I'm alone. Damn don't lie. I just asked why you go to Houston alone. Thank you. That's my minute. Thank you. Boom. Exactly a minute from Donna Lee. You've been on the show once before, correct? I was a few months ago and I have a lot to talk about. Remind us, how long you've been on stand up? I started doing stand up in 2006 and I had my big comeback. I took five years of stand up and perfected my hosting abilities. I took 12 years off to raise a family and do a really stressful job. I just came back to comedy May 2024 and I'm so happy to be here right now. This is my dream. Wow. Rock solid answer. Thank you. Donna, how, so you have one kid that's 13 or 23? Oh, okay. We, um, 12 years off. I took 12 years off because I felt guilty and I wanted to raise my son and my stepson's and I got a new husband and all this stuff. But I put them first, but now it's my turn to be first. So here I am. This is my dream. Wow. This is my comeback story. So and I was on Secret Show last time and I had so much fun. So thank you. She brought cupcakes for everybody. Oh my God. That's how you get booked again by Red Band on the spot. Yeah. Cupcakes. You want to be a regular here at the Secret Show? Your name on the fridge. Wow. Um, when I was your last time, I didn't know what it meant to be stuck in a washer that you implied. There you go. Absolutely. And I went down the rabbit hole the next day and I wish I hadn't. So now I know what it means to be stuck in a washer. Thanks to Tony Henschcliffe. That's right. And a lot of 25 year old boys reached out to me after that episode. I bet. I bet they did. They did. Absolutely. So now you're, you're with the guy though. You're a stepfather. Yes, I'm married. Yes. Right. Yes. He's awesome. Is he a big supporter of your comedy? Yes, he is. He's very supportive. He's, what does he do? He's a custom home builder here in Austin. Okay. He's doing good for himself. Yeah. You guys live in Westlake or something like that. BK, close. Oh yeah. Yep. He builds in Westlake. So that was good. You're living that life. You have a Mercedes SUV? A sedan. I can look right at you and tell you what kind of car you drive. It's an unbelievable talent that I have. What type of Asian is your mom? She's Thai. Okay. Yep. Jimmy Carr. And your, your father's Irish? Tall Irish. Tall Irish and she's Thai. She's tiny Thai. Oh, from Thailand. Yes. Right. And, and how did your father get into sex tourism? The Air Force. The Air Force. Yes. Traditional. Yes. I'm a product of this country. Correct. Now I was born in Thailand and we got here as fast as we could. Amazing. Amazing. I, I, I like Irish Air Force. Is that even a thing? No, it's the American Air Force. He was a citizen here. I would like to cover the comments that I got from YouTube. Okay. Thanks to, is that okay? Can you do it in your mom's accent? Yeah, I can. Yeah, let's do that. Exactly. Great idea. Well, because that's, that stuff takes me home. You know, that's, it's kind of my thing. Yeah. So I did a lot of posts on my page at DonnellyComedy.com and I was on Kill Tony episode 722. And I went to YouTube when I was told not to to read the comments. And as your Asian mom, as my Asian mom, the first comment that I saw that made me laugh out loud said, Oh, Caitlyn Jenner, she looks feminine now. And another one about Caitlyn Jenner said, Oh, Caitlyn Jenner, I not know. She do stand-up comedy. So I think it's more funny in American English, but I was also called the team who Lisa Ann didn't know who that was, had to go down that rabbit hole. She's a retired porn star for those of you who don't know. That's where I know you're wrong. Yes. That's right. So do you make money in any way ever? Oh my God, red band. Red band. Why would you do that? That is disrespectful. That is not nice. Don't do that. No, don't don't. No, don't do that. Stop that red band. Stop it. No, don't no. I'm serious. No, don't don't do that. And people say Tony can't act. Don't do that. Wait, who's who the fuck says that? I'm a great actor. Stop. No, don't. Don't do it. That's right. No, that's a whole different race. Good. Stop. Okay, stop. All right, very good. That doesn't make any sense. Do you sucky sucky? How do you keep this man happy? This guy could be with anybody as money, right? How do you keep your man happy? We laugh a lot. Oh. Has he met your mom? I tried getting stuck in the washer, but I didn't work. Okay, right. Fucking good. But safe work, safe work. Has he met your mom? Oh, yeah, of course. Okay. And what does your mom do? She she lives in America too? She actually passed away a couple of years ago, but in my act she's still alive because I don't deal with things very well. So. Oh, no was also my last name. Now I feel a bad. It was a Yoko. Oh, no. Me not love you long time. It's over. What the doctor told me sucky sucky? All right, how did she pass away? Cancer. Wow. Well, if at first you don't succeed, tie tie again. It's amazing. There it is. There it is. Believable. We're here for a good time, not for a long time. Unbelievable. What kind of cancer was it? It's like this is kill Tony. This ain't fucking Jimmy Kimmel over here. Whoa. Whoa. Okay. All right. What kind of cancer was it? It was liver cancer. Liver cancer. Wow. Yeah. Was she a drinker? No. Did she sucky sucky? She did not. That you're getting your Asians confused. That's Japanese. That's sucky sucky joke did not get the love that it deserved after two sucky sucky references. Sucky sucky for liver cancer. We love a good liver cancer joke. I did want the opportunity to thank you though. My life changed after I was on the first time. Yes. Well, it's going to change again. Thank you. It's going to change again. You're a funny lady, Donna Lee. It's cool to see someone that chasing their dreams. They say this is a young person's game, but I love all different shapes and sizes of people. And for you to come back and do what you love because you love to do it. You love the feeling that you get from it. It's fucking awesome. You deserve it. Congratulations. You got a big joke book last time? I did. Congratulations. You know what? I have an eight minute spot on the secret show. Whoa. Somebody wants more cupcakes. Red band wants more cupcakes. Red band wants more cupcakes. Everybody. Red band wants more cupcakes. Red band wants more cupcakes. Make some noise for Zach Brown hanging out with us back here. One of the best fucking musicians in the world. Go to the sphere. I know I am. You might run into us there December or January. We're going to be there. All right. Your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name. This looks like a new name. I like it. Make some noise for Ronnie Rohrback. Ronnie Rohrback. Oh shit. Here we go. Your final bucket pull of the night. Ronnie Rohrback. Guys, I am sobering nine years of my citizenship. I've lived here for 26 years. I was adopted by white people. I have a disability. My dad got me off a fucking tax write off. No, honestly, like he was an asshole because growing up he never taught me Spanish. So that any time I would act out he would be like, he'd always starting to send me back to the homeland. And like he goes, here they call you Ronnie. Back at home they would call you Jaguar bait. And he would always use past tense. So I knew he was serious. And the worst part about it is growing up. Like I never thought my dad was an asshole. Like I never thought my dad was an alcoholic, but I knew my dad was an alcoholic because at the age of four he would make me make his cocktails for him. And he would put the shaker in my bad hand and call it exercise. Thank you guys. All right, Ronnie Rohrback. Welcome to the show, Ronnie. Thank you. You, my friend, I've called a lot of people adorable. I wish I could take them all back just so that I could save it for you. Thank you. What a cutie pie you are. What's wrong with your hand, little buddy? I have cerebral palsy in my left arm. You are. You have. Let me tell you, you have one of the best cases of cerebral palsy I've ever seen. You should see what our cerebral palsy people fucking like. You're like, haha, I just gotta go over here. Hey, everybody. I don't know. That little fucking cutie. What a cutie pie. That's a mint. Even cerebral palsy is fucking sweet. I mean. So this is one of the cupcakes that she brought to your place. This kid's fucking unbelievable. Tony, if you. Look at this fucking little fucking. If you study the hand. Yeah. He's giving involuntary finger. Oh, yeah. About once a minute, there's an involuntary. Oh, yeah. Look at that fucking middle finger. That's a true fuck you in cursive. This guy says fuck you in cursive. It's a squiggly fucking little middle finger. I can't imagine what that would feel like in my asshole. Whatever. The night is young. Whenever I'm driving, if I flip you off with my bad hand, you know I mean it. Oh, hell yeah. Fuck you. Soulja boy in this motherfucker. Ronnie, how old are you? I'm 27. You are something else. How long you been doing stand up? About five years now. Five years now. Amazing. All of it here in Austin? No, I just moved down here about six months ago. I started in Detroit. Okay. That's where you're originally from? Born and raised? No, I was born in Guatemala. And then my parents adopted me and took me to Detroit. Oh my God, you're adopted? Yeah. Holy shit. Look at you. You were adopted by a little white family? Yeah. Oh my goodness. That's how you ended up like this. Yep. Explains the NASCAR shirt and everything. You're what? Explains the NASCAR shirt and everything. Oh yeah, no, Guatemalans love NASCAR shirts. It's incredible. Amazing. So you're a NASCAR fan? Oh yeah. What else are you into, Ronnie? Tell us more about you. For me, I'm really into disc golf because it's a one-handed thing. Yeah. I'm into disc golf because it's a one-handed thing. Hell yeah. Absolutely. What else? Tell us more about you. I grew up playing football, which was a big expectation for my own doing. A lot of fumbles. They never let me touch the ball. Oh, perfect. You're a kicker. The only time I would get out is when we were either murdering our team or getting absolutely murdered. Right. Right. You're not considered being a mascot. Too short. Too short to be a mascot. Yeah, you got to be like 5'4 to be a mascot. Oh my God. You got to be 5'4. Yeah. I left it up, dude. Clearly he wanted this. Yeah, somehow this is sadder than the other ladies' mom's cancer diagnosis, is finding out that this sweet boy is too short to live his dream as a mascot. Oh my God, Ronnie, what else? I want to interview you forever. Another thing about me is that... It's the cutest guy of all time. There's more things. Tell us. Yes. Tell us everything, Ronnie. I came in third place in a prettiest butthole in competition. Oh my God. Oh my God. Some of you might not know what goes on in Detroit exactly. Well, prettiest butthole competitions are a thing. Would you like to introduce yourself? Would you like to reprise? Wait, no, no, no, no. That's not, that's not, that's not what? The problem is like for me, like I would need someone else to hold my other cheek because you can only get half the vision. Andrew Santino. And no, we can't pull out his butthole. It's a, it's a, I'm getting word from the Food and Beverage Administration that... Jimmy, pass me the knife. We're going to cut it out and then display it on a... Yeah. Ronnie. I would do it, dude. You know I was going to fucking do it. Oh, I believe you. Yeah, I like you. Where was this? Yeah. Where was this competition held? It was in Lansing, Michigan. Oh yeah. Well, what did number one and two look like? How did they beat you? So number two, like I don't know if anyone ever seen like, but this guy had glitter shoved up his ass. Oh my God. And like he farted at one point and like it shot out. Wow. It was amazing. All right. Yeah. Here's me thinking Kill Shony is a great show. That's a great fucking show. That is a great show. I'm going to get the number two guy on, give him a minute next week. Sorry, that was the number two guy. Who won? So this lady, she was from Oklahoma and like she had a flower tattooed on her ass. Like the, like the center of the flower was the spinkter. Wow. And what was your, what was your spin? How did you get third? Well, because I, so they had an interview section and I told everyone it was my make-a-wish. Wow. Wow. Very good. Wow. Very good. Oh my God. Unbelievable. I literally went from eighth to third in five words. Wow. So the butthole might be just frightening and disgusting. Oh, natural. I felt very accomplished. Absolutely. Andrew's going to cut the hair off of it with Zach Brown's knife. Right? Amazing, Ronnie. So you're 27. What do you do for work? How do you make money, Ronnie? I do do it right now. Unbelievable. I mean, actually totally believable. I mean, like I got, I kind of got fired from my last job. I was a pool boy or as I like to say, I was going around, like, I was going around this, like fucking up every middle-aged woman's fucking what dream to see my gumpy ass walk in. That's incredible. Okay. I know you're many years away from your first Netflix special, but my gumpy ass might well be the title. Yep. I'll definitely put that in the notes. Absolutely. So it's amazing because you're like an anomaly. You're like so many of the people. We had a pool guy on earlier. We had a DoorDash guy on earlier. This is- We had an arsehole. Yeah. Amazing, Ronnie. So do you ever have a crazy DoorDash? Do you have any moments that- Yeah, the other day they had me DoorDashing tires? Whoa. I felt that was like racially profiled. I'm like, I don't know how I look, but like you're going to have my cripple ass with four heavy tires? Amazing. How did you do it? I fucking had a white person help me. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. And don't you forget it, Ronnie. Did you, did you tell them it was your make-a-wish? Wow. Ronnie, you are incredible. Every disabled Mexican deserves a white person. Guatemalan, sorry, Guatemalan. I promise. You live here now? Yeah, I live down here. How long have you lived in Austin? For about six months now. What do you love about Austin? Tell us what you're doing for fun out there. I honestly, I love just like seeing people who look like me so I can know which hair cuts I can and cannot go with. Can I be the first to say no one else looks like you? You are a non-fungible human. Is that haircut? Oh, what the fuck? Hang on. There's another one in a hat. There's a bunch of them over there. They're everywhere. What is that haircut? Is that like Steve Carell from the office? What are you rocking right now? I don't know. I had a white barber and I like for like the longest time I just walked in. I'm like, just do it. Just don't fuck me up. And this is what I've been going with. It looks great. Fucking white people. It looks great, Ronnie. What's your love life like, Ronnie? You been with the girl? It's really not existed right now. I just been focusing on comedy lately. I love that. Have you been with anyone since you moved to Texas? I actually fucked a stripper. Oh, wow. Jesus, Ronnie. Ronnie. Oh my goodness. You've activated the lights, Ronnie. Tell us about this stripper, the Jimmy Carr. That sounds like I love a Tuesday morning. Yeah. No doubt about it. So like what actually happened was that I was like, I applied for disability and got denied and like I got my tax write off. So I was like, I'm going to the strip club. Okay. Let me real quick. How much was this tax write off for exactly? I think it was like 1500. 1500. Let's blow it right away. Yeah. Straight to the fucking strip club. Let's go. What did you wear to the strip club? Was it that? I was wearing a Batman shirt. Oh yeah, brother. Oh yeah. It had the abs and everything on. Oh, my God. Oh my friend, that is. That's right. There isn't a dry seat in the house. Yeah. Exactly. You and a Batman t-shirt, please. Exactly. The manager came into the champagne room and he's like, where is she? So you're wearing a Batman shirt. You show up to the strip club just fucking that music playing in your head. What's that fucking song with the horns that is the police? What are you, five foot two? You're lucky you didn't drown in pussy. No, no, not that one. No, the one that's the more paced. What the fuck was that? Pick up the pieces. What is that? What is that? What is that? Pick up the pieces. You know what the fuck I'm talking about? I forget it. All right. You have cool music playing in your head that YouTube won't let us reproduce right now. And then what goes on? First stripper you see. Well, yeah, not the first stripper I saw because like the first one I saw was Hispanic and there was a language barrier there. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Incredible. Don't judge by the color of their skin but by the language they speak. Exactly. That's what D-man lives by as well. Go ahead. Because if like because like the thing is like I can't speak Spanish so I can't bargain. You're damn right. And the bargaining is necessary. We need to. So it was a white woman and like she's like let's go to the champagne room and everything and like I was like oh get back there. I'm like oh no I got a negotiation condom or not. And like she just literally grabbed it and put it right in. Wow. Unbelievable. And that's how he got cerebral palsy everybody. Before that his left arm was totally fine. He was the quarterback of the football team. A left-handed quarterback before that. I like how you weren't going to negotiate condom or not condom. You didn't want to you were just. No the price. Yeah condom. Yeah you were used so you wanted no condom. I didn't want to put like I was just like I wasn't not going to just like not negotiate try to get a couple bucks off. So what did you get it down to let's talk about the negotiation process. It was like I think 350. That's pretty hot. Raw dog the stripper in Detroit for. Oh this was in Austin. Whoa. Oh my god. Don't bless America. Don't ask. Okay. Don't ask. Should I ask which strip club. We all know which one it is. Which strip club was it. It was Rick's cabinet. Wait it was what. Rick's cabinet. So north of 35. Hold on. There's a patch of the room losing their minds. I think they're having an employee outing right now. 350 is the EWOC price. What was that. 350 is the EWOC price. You are a little fucking EWOC. Look at you. That's what it is. I've been wondering what you remind me of your the fucking. We have the Estonian assassin and the Guatemalan EWOC tonight. This is absolutely incredible. Zach Brown with the fucking call on the field. I was wondering what the fuck you were. That's what it is. Look at you. We shaved an EWOC and got him laid. Fucking Austin. What a town. It's unbelievable. So 350 and so you're negotiating right. You're sitting there and you go you know I'm really like to have sex with you. Like that right. Is that what you said. Well she was the one who initiated it which made me kind of throw it off a little bit. What did she say exactly. She goes I want to fuck you. I need to fuck you. I will dominate you Batman. Name your price for the bidding shall be mine. And the chlamydia shall be yours. Your abs have confused me Batman. 350 is a deal. What did she say. No she was just like she was just I think like she was just down from it from the beginning. Because like whenever I'm like at the strip club like I like having a real conversation. I'm like so what'd you do on Tuesday. God you're the cutest human being of all time. So was this the first and last time at that or this is. Yeah it was the first time I've ever been there. Haven't been back. I should go back but now after this I don't think they want me back. No I think they do. I think you just fucking blew up their business big time. Everybody just found out they can fuck for 350. With a $1500 tax return my friend I do believe that's about four or five fucking. Why are we still here. Yeah. Yes let's all go. We know where the after party is and we're taking the sweetie walk with us. So again what exactly does this stripper say. Well so I was just like there she goes do you want to go to the champagne room. I'm like all right but like what are we gonna do. Which kind of shows how like I'm innocent in a way. I was like what are we gonna do. And she goes I'll make sure it's your worth your time. I'm like all right let's fucking do this. I'm always down for the game. Okay so then what happened. This guy goes I'm innocent. He was like let's go raw dog. Yeah. It's like nothing innocent about you at all. The moment your cock goes out you're like I'm putting this inside of you right now. It really is. I'm so who me I'm so innocent. It really really is. I love you man. You are something else. So again I make sure it's worth your time but then again how do you get to fucking raw dog. Yeah. I mean make sure it's worth your time is what a stripper says when she's about to dance on you with you know fucking underwear on for two songs. How do you get to fucking. Well so she goes we literally walk into the champagne room she goes go sit in that corner and take it out. I'm like okay. I'm sorry yellow rows and red rows have been sponsoring us for a long time. But let me tell you that place fucking sucks compared to this. Because sit in the corner and pull it out. This is the world's greatest stripper of all time. It's amazing. What the fuck. Risk what's it called. It was Rick's cabinet. We have it on Yelp right here. Rick's Cabaret. Rick's Cabaret let's read some Yelp reviews. Oh fucking shit. Oh my god. Well you know what we're going to do because it's tradition here we're going to start with the one star reviews. But I gotta tell you this is the I'm going to go to some five star reviews too. Let's actually start with the fives and then we'll go to the ones that list the STDs. That's a five star review right there. Oh no doubt about it. Shit if they want to sponsor me I wear a shirt everywhere. Hunter F from Hutto Texas January 26th 2024 the women are beautiful. The staff is attentive and personable. Can't beat free prime rib on Fridays. Make sure to sit at the bar with Jackie and shy. Buy a few shots and they will give you the best recommendations on the dancers. Tell them that Hunter sent you. Wow thank you Hunter. What an amazing tell them I sent you from Yelp. Strip Club. Strip Club five star Yelp reviews might be the most insane thing we've ever done on this show by the way. Telep Hunters sent you like what a creep that guy is. That's frightening. Had a blast there super professional while also being fun got champagne and relaxed with friends. Reggie and Mario made us feel comfortable bought two bottles of whiskey on a being way less than I thought it would be. All right yeah let's go to the one star reviews we got to get to the good shit here we're going to find out exactly. Let's let's let's look at who okay is an interesting thought. All right who wouldn't they fuck. Oh my goodness. Oh boy. Oh black man. Okay let's read this one. Mark C from Manhattan New York. Oh boy. And the guy from Manhattan rolled into this fucking joint where this guy's just raw dogging. I mean just bodily fluids being exchanged on every pump in and out just liquids coming out of him. The third most beautiful asshole in Lansing Michigan. Just fully exposed on the leather. The same leather that people sit on while eating free prime rib on Fridays. And little did they know that the third best Lansing assholes just bouncing off of it. With a fucking hand that's throwing up gang signs 24 seven. And here we go. Mark C said I decided to go to this club on a Saturday night with a group of co-workers and friends I have to say I was very disappointed. We are from out of town but come to Austin for some conferences. The women here were not attractive and were a mixture of very skinny women to women with poor plastic surgery ass and back acne. Did you notice this girl had any acne? No I didn't notice that. Beautiful. The lighting is everything people. Lighting is everything. Yeah there's not really anything about oh okay. We are a racially diverse group white black Indian and Korean. Other reviews on Google said they ignore black guys and I have to say it's true. Oh my god two of my co-workers received no attention all night and guess what they were black. I noticed it and kind of felt bad but it is not my establishment. But yeah definitely noticed black men were being ignored at Rick's. Did you notice black men were being ignored there? Honestly I wasn't looking at anyone I was on a mission. Can you imagine being a black guy sitting at a strip club? No one's been dancing for you all night. This fucking guy walks in. Five minutes later his pick is out. And it's just a girl with no acne at all sitting on it. Oh my god. Don't eat the food terrible. Stay away from this place. I went with my co-worker on Friday. I got a few rounds no issues. Man there's no one else's fucking. You are the only one that's ever fucked at this establishment. Keep reading fast red band. Let's go back to this. So I gotta know how long do you think you lasted the sex? Yeah like maybe a minute and a half. Minute and a half. Good job. Good job. Did you leave it in or did you take it out? There's no way. Oh no. No way. No way. I'm disabled. You really think I'm gonna throw her off of me? No yeah. Well you can't. Hold on a second. Stop everything. No leverage. Stop. Everybody shut the fuck up. You came inside of the stripper? Not on purpose. Oh my god. Oh my god. In 18 years there's gonna be the world's scariest stripper just picking up ones off a stage. Fuck it. Oh my god. My friend that is cerebral ballsy. Have you gone back to see if she's pregnant? Oh hell no. That's why you're not going back. Yeah realistically yeah. You went to. Like honestly like as soon as that came I was like the first thought I had in my head was I'm like this is why I didn't qualify for disability. Wow yeah exactly. Jimmy Carr what do you think about that? I just hope you do go back. I hope you build a relationship and a life with this woman because one day in the future I want this to be grandma grandpa how did you meet? And I want this story to come out. Wow. Unbelievable. He's fucking. Oh yeah okay. All right. Very disappointed for my first time at a strip club with my new husband. I wanted to take him out for his birthday and really wanted to check out a strip club together. One of the toilets was clogged and filled with nasty toilet paper, bloodied and soiled. And the other two stalls yeah red band this is just like your material. Red band showing me is set list from this Thursday. Okay so you came inside of her do you give her 350 right then did you tip anything? Were you like oh you should maybe did you ask for change on the fourth hundred? Even though you came inside of her? I used cash out. Wow. Wow. So you digitally creampied her bank account. Unbelievable. Like a gentleman. Wow. I gotta tell you it's been a 24 minute long interview with Ronnie Roarbeck. The adopted Guatemalan Iwa with the third most beautiful asshole from Lansing, Michigan arrived to Austin, Texas started creampying strippers immediately. Just absolutely fucking incredible. I love you Ronnie. How much material do you think you have all together stand up wise? I just did a half hour with my friend on the road a couple weeks ago. You better invite this motherfucker right now. I'd love to have you on the secret show. Bring him a cupcake. You know what she's frigging cupcakes you bring some creampies. He's not gonna be able to catch that. He's gotta catch it. I'm holding the mic in my bad hand so I actually gotta try and get it. Switch so it's fine. I'm gonna aim for that right tit so you can you can cup it right there you ready? Ronnie Roarbeck ladies and gentlemen holy shit what an episode you guys have fun. This is the number one show in all of comedy ladies and gentlemen brought to you by Talkspace. I'm gonna remind you one more time Zach Brown is at the sphere December January 2025 2026 Santino white noise is out now on Hulu. He's on tour Andrew Santino.com of course bad friends. Jimmy Carr is on a world tour Australia New Zealand and the entire world Jimmy Carr.com car with two Rs. And now you know even though all of our regulars are always busy there just happens to be one more comedian left and there's just one guy that could end an episode like this. It is the Hall of Famer with the record for all time appearances and interviews on the show. Some people call him the Memphis Strangler the vanilla gorilla the Duke of debauchery. He is the bigger it machine this is the one and only William Montgomery ladies and gentlemen. I was at the courthouse the other day pulling some land deeds and you know the property where the Batcave is it's owned by Wayne Enterprises. Why would Bruce Wayne wait does Batman know Bruce Wayne money? I mean the dude is saving the day all day and does he ever get a tip? Hell no dudes probably broke his hell and you know the government isn't paying him because the cop street guy I keep trying to shut his ass down I messed that part up. Thank you everybody's talking about how AI is going to take over the world. Yeah the movie kind of sucked. This is an impression of me sending a text to the wrong group chat. Want to go to Antifa prom with me? People always look at birds and say dang man I wish I could fly but birds are probably looking down at us and saying dang man I wish I could start a conspiracy theory. That's my time thank you. Notice all the regulars with exactly a minute tonight right on the dog pros. I really bombed at the beginning this is a real rough one tonight but it was okay I guess. Love you you're out here you've done it more than anybody else you've literally done hours and hours and hours on this show it is incredible. It's also it was kind of a fucking great promise. Yeah yeah thank you I know. That man Bruce Wayne think that's there's fucking something in that. Yeah there's something. The way you wanted tonight but there's something fucking great. There's something in there I agree thank you I agree. Great William. And that weirdo guy was talking about Batman so I'm thinking oh my god this is gonna be so good. I think there's no way this weird guy's talking about Batman. I know you're not calling my new best friend weird. That is Ronnie Rohrback. I know I'm kidding he seemed nice. He's a sweet boy. William how's life been going what's going on tell us about it. It's been good just got back from Salt Lake City I was there this weekend the shows were a lot of fun and then on Sunday morning when I woke up at 7 a.m. I looked out of my window and there was a hotel on the other side of the street and I watched these two people have sex for probably 20 minutes. Whoa they were doing it right by their window and I couldn't really understand what was happening because it seemed like the girl I swear to God at first I'm like is this a mannequin is she passed out I couldn't tell because he's constantly doing her legs like he was driving her or something. I couldn't even tell what was going on but I watched it for 20 minutes Sony it was very exciting on my Sunday morning. Did you touch yourself when you were doing this at all? No. You had to think about it there. I didn't this weekend at all Tony I wasn't really in the mood. You didn't masturbate at all. Not at all this week. Did you think about it? I wasn't in the mood. Yeah but then I just wasn't in the mood. Why do you think you weren't in the mood? I don't know. Jimmy. I feel like you're saving it for a subway. Yeah what a subway sandwich place like at the bathroom of a subway. I think on the New York subway I feel like it's the right place for you to be masturbating. I know there could be a fun place maybe yeah the subway or what's another good place let's think of another place like a McDonald's or something maybe McDonald's could be a fun place for me to be jacking off where else could be what is some more like a movie theater could maybe be a wonderful place to fucking jack off. But where do you really like to fucking zoo or something Tony? Wow maybe in front of the pink ones. Oh no too cold Tony not in there. Somewhere in the zoo but not with the pink ones Tony. My dick's already small dude. Oh my god. But where else maybe like a gas station. What gas station? Maybe a sit-go or? Bucky's is roomy. I know Bucky's oh my gosh how did I not think of Bucky's maybe I could jack off on Bucky because Bucky walks around the Bucky's every day from 10 to 12 12 p.m. 10 a.m. to 12 p.m. Wow so if I go between 10 and 12 I'll be able to catch his ass in there so maybe that's a good idea and I could just jack off all on him and have a fun rest of the day I'm sure I'm sure the rest of my day after that would be good so. Wow jack it off on fucking Bucky's nasty hairy fucking ass. Wow one of the companies that I've always wanted to sponsor the show and I guess I'll never have to chase that dream again because. No Tony you need to and then we can get together because we'll be around each other a lot if he's here like every Monday I think I'd be able to charm him so. Oh okay get the sponsor maybe Tony. It appears as though William thinks the Bucky beaver is a real beaver a real grown beaver Jimmy Can I ask about when you were watching this couple making love across the street was there any eye contact at any point did you think they're gonna see me watching them. The guy would look a little bit but I was down they were up like three stories and then I was also hiding behind the curtain at first I was sitting on the bed at first and I was like wait I gotta stand up and then I was standing up and then I was naked I was naked this entire time. Why were you naked. Just thinking maybe I could help them out if they see my ass down there they're gonna be like oh my god this is freaky that dudes naked down there watching us so I thought maybe I could help but they did not see me. But it was exciting it really was. That is incredible how did it end did you did you notice what okay how could you tell they were done. Get out of there I had to get my lift because I ordered my lift like halfway through but the lift was taken a while so that's supposed to be able to watch them longer but then I had to just Amazing why why lift why why is the lift your goat too. I always look at lift and uber and whatever's cheaper that's what I go with. Wow a very thrifty william on camera he's shockingly thrifty literally rich literally. No I wouldn't say that Tony and I wouldn't also say that there's a bunch of fucking weirdos that watch that a bunch of really nice people but I don't throw weirdos people don't need to think I have felt much money because I don't so right the government takes a lot I mean there's it's not really it's not so we don't even need to talk about right we really don't I love it here's like some strange people they would just love to think that I'm some rich person living in some little apartment really worried about what other people think for a guy that just admitted to watching two people fuck from a hotel window butt naked I mean I think your priorities are a little out of line we live in a weird time there's a bunch of weirdos out there Tony I mean we're in a strange time I love that weirdos you say yeah there's weirdos everywhere and there's so yeah what else you've been dorm for fun william anything else just the fucking row machine I'm at 1,900,000 meters wow so have you ever thought about jerking off on the row machine no I almost vomited the other day so it would not be I wouldn't be in the mood right at all is there anything else that you're passionate about any new snacks in your life some butterfingers Tony yep wow this guy's completely bored out of his mind look at this fucking guy's face would you have a problem with me tonight you didn't like the first joke I messed up on the first fucking joke what are you one of these fucking weirdos they would love to think that I'm some rich person living in some little apartment are you one of these fucking dudes is that where you're looking at me like that dumbass you really think we're gonna be able to see your fucking face dude you're right there in the light yeah you got caught daydreaming bro that guy's gonna have a panic attack right now that is bad william be nice to him who's that who are you with your sister who's that lady with you I'm kidding is that your who is that that's his girlfriend are you ever gonna just go back from salt lake city are you ever gonna stop harassing this guy William I don't think I've ever gonna stop William on camera ladies and gentlemen this episode is brought to you by Talkspace white noise is on Hulu the great Andrew Santino tickets at Andrews Santino.com Jimmy Carr.com for his tickets and one more time what a special treat the great Zach Brown ladies and gentlemen of the Zach Brown band at the Sphere all of December and all of January ladies and gentlemen and don't forget the brand new album Love and Fear comes out on night one of their Sphere performances Friday December 5th Zach Fun Times thank you my friend how about one more time for the best stand band in the land the drawing from Ryan J. E. Belvizan it's incredible let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight oh D madness look at that that's amazing D it's beautiful I promise you guys have fun tonight great band guys check out Jetski Jetski Johnson's new podcast I think Santino were you on it yeah it's amazing go watch Jetski Jetski kill Tony super alumni Jetski Johnson as a podcast now the great Heidi and Valerie Vaughn the kill Tony beauties have a podcast uh yeah check out everything thank you to Talkspace and thank you to the live audience don't forget New Year's Eve we're at the Moody Center so you people finally have a chance at seeing kill Tony live but you got to do it on New Year's Eve in a big ass arena it's gonna be crazy we love you thank you good night everybody the Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin Texas is now open check out red band secret show every Thursday go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets you you you you you