187: Am I Falling For The Idea Of Them? W/ Damona Hoffman

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But at the end of the day, are you looking at what is or what if? Hello, hello, hello, and welcome into another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar and I am your host. Hi friends, we're in the trenches. Today I have my friend, Demona Hoffman. She is amazing. She is a dating and relationship coach and she is just an all around amazing woman. And we are talking about the myths and the fairy tale and really how you can be present and grounded when you're dating and not be obsessed with the idea of people and their potential. Guys, as always, if you need anything, please don't forget to rate and review the show. Please leave a comment, share it with your friend. It means the world. If you want ad-free or if you want to slow down the speed of the show, you can manually do that on your player or everything is in the show notes. Join a course, work one-on-one, or just be here. It means the world. All right, babes, without further ado, let's get right on into it, shall we? Hello, Ms. Demona. Welcome to the Sabrina's Ohar Show. I'm so happy to be here with you. Me too, in person. In person. Okay, before we get started, could you please introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about you, the book, what you do, and how amazing you are. Well, I'm Damona Hoffman, certified dating coach, a relationship strategist, and I have been working with people on how to find love online and off for over 15 years. Started out as a profile writer because I was working, get this, I was working as a casting director in television and I was online dating at the time and I found that what I would tell actors about having headshots that would stand out, how to tell their story when they went into a room. I was like, this is basically online dating. So I met my husband online back in the middle ages of online dating and realized that I really had in my professional experience, I had a knack for teaching people how to present themselves to get what they wanted online. And so I that's that's where I began. But since that time, I started the Dates and Mates podcast. I'm the official love expert of the Drew Barrymore show and Access Daily. And I wrote F the fairy tale, rewrite the dating myths and live your own love story. I love it. What made you get into all this? Like, where was the transition for you? It was really gradual. I was the profile whisperer for a very long time for like everyone in the television industry. I even had a moniker Like I didn't I didn't cross the two paths until much later. But I realized we have this this incorrect notion that we're supposed to just know how to date. And especially as dating apps became more popular, I realized that there's a real skill set to being able to present yourself online and then to move through all of the other phases of dating, which like if you can't text well, you're not going to get to the date. And then what are you going to do on the date? And then what are you going to do after the date to make sure that that person wants to see you again and doesn't ghost you? So I realized that there was a real need to support people in this process, because when you think about it, dating is a relatively new invention, right? I know you've talked about this before, but online dating is really very new. And we need to have some sort of a framework or best practices around how to navigate through it. It's maddening. Who the fuck taught us this, right? Except our parents. And you're like, well, it's not always a positive. It's so funny. A couple of years ago, I had an article and they came to the house to take photos and do the whole thing. And the main guy that did it was like, you know, I had to push to get this. And I was like, what do you mean? And then like the camera guy was like, because I don't understand. He's like, I've been married for 15 years. What is a dating coach? You don't know what you're doing. And he was and the guy that was writing it was like, I think this is beneficial. And he was like, but apparently my editor didn't seem to agree. and like they published the article and then they took it down like a few months later because they just didn't understand the importance of a dating and relationship coach and it that was a couple of years ago and I remember just sitting there being like I'm not going to let you discredit my entire career because I know that I help people but if you don't understand that your therapist doesn't just intrinsically know therapists don't know necessarily about dating relationships they don't give you advice on that they're helping you to unpack what's coming up for you there's a time in a place please go to therapy please don't stop but i also think that there are people like us that have been in the trenches that understand the different mindset and like i'm sure if you've heard this before i've had clients come to me and say yeah my therapist told me to text the guy that ghosted me and i'm like why did they do that and she well because i text them four times they didn't answer and they told me communication is really important and i was like no no no no no you're right communication is important but there's a time and a place and so that's why i'm grateful that we get to help in a different way, whether it be from personal experience or clients or da-da-da, which leads me into asking you kind of what I wanted to go into before we get into questions. What have you been seeing that's changed over the years? Oh my gosh, so much. Besides the obvious of the dating, but like I even look at human behavior. What have you noticed, whether it be gendered or not? Two main things. I think the way that we communicate today is so different. And just as you were saying with the etiquette of like, do you text somebody who ghosted you? The speed of communication because of texting, because of DMs, because people are so accessible online right now in a way that they weren't probably when that therapist was last single. It's really changed the way that we interact. And then because of the anonymity of the screen or the emotional buffer of the screen, people will say things in text that they would never say to you face to face. And it's generated a lot of bad behavior in dating. And it's also pushed us into a speed of dating that I think is not really healthy, where you're having multiple conversations with multiple people and you feel this bond, this sense of closeness. And then even as you are moving offline into the real world, you're like, this isn't what I thought it was, because it can never be the same thing that it is over text. And people are very different in person than they are behind a screen. So that's one thing, the communication piece. And the other is actually, I think, for the better, this self-awareness piece that I know you talk about a lot as well. we are just in a different paradigm of understanding ourselves advocating for our own emotional and mental health and there are things that we used to accept and there are things that I know I accepted when I was single that are just not okay any longer and I actually appreciate that people are willing to identify their boundaries more clearly and speak them in dating. It is interesting to see. We are in a generation where there's such an inundation of information, but yet I feel like people don't know anything any more than they ever did, right? Like, I don't mean that to be rude, but you know, how many times you can go on the internet and that's, I think the problem is like, okay, if I want to learn about avoidance, right? If I hear that fucking term one more time. If I want to talk about avoidance and I want to understand why they're doing this, I could find everything to either challenge my thoughts or coddle my thoughts. I can go on to chat GBT and chat GBT can tell me I've done nothing wrong and to do all of these things like and I don't think that people realize that we have all this information but we're still very much in our own bubble because we get to surround ourselves with the information that feels safe to us instead of necessarily challenging us. So it's like, which comes first, the chicken or the egg? I'm like, it's a great thing. We have all this information. But then I start to see people are so disconnected from each other. And I'm curious, like, are you noticing that as well with the way that people are connecting? Because I'm seeing it either like the dopamine addiction loops. I have a wife and they text me. Everything is this urgency and immediacy as opposed to how are they in person? Yeah. Yeah. And this is why from the beginning, when I started out as a dating coach, when nobody knew what a dating coach even was. They were like, you're like the female hitch or something. And I'm like, kind of, but I have, I have seen that people are really having trouble with, with the in-person connection being different than as social media has grown, as texting has grown. It's the dissonance that's created between those two mediums that I find very difficult for a lot of folks to navigate. So from the beginning, I have said online dating is just dating. It's just matching with somebody on an app is just a road to meeting in person. And where we get in trouble is when we start to have these fantasy ideas, whether it's through the good morning text, which we talked about on dates and mates, or whether it's through just creating an idea of someone in your head from just looking at their profile and feeling like you know them. All of that gets in your way when you actually are with that person face to face, because then they're competing against the idea of who you thought they were. This episode is sponsored by ButcherBox. I get it. We're back in the swing of things. We got our routines and all of a sudden mealtime still hits three times a day, which for me is so difficult. But for my blood sugar, I have got to make sure I'm getting my protein. And that's why I love ButcherBox, because ButcherBox helps you stay on track with premium protein delivered when you need it, so your meals feel intentional, nourishing, and never stressful. 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Your choice of organic ground beef, chicken breast, or ground turkey in every box for an entire year plus $20 off your first box and free shipping as always. That's butcherbox.com slash Sabrina. Don't forget to use our link so they know we sent you. Good morning. Techs just created dopamine addiction loop And when you have the dopamine addiction loop you can be surprised that when you in person with this person the feeling isn the same Because when I have a high because of a message that comes in versus I have tonality I have intonation, I am interpreting that message, how I would respond, how would I handle things? And we end up projecting onto other people. And I find for me, good morning text, good night text, and all that shit in between. If you're not in an actual relationship with this person for them to be checking in on you, you're wasting your goddamn fucking time because I don't need somebody that's just checking up on me. But where are they making plans? Where are they calling me? Where are they intentionality? Where are they showing up for me besides on my phone? Because that's what I become obsessed with the idea of them and not the actual of who they are. Totally. And the synchronous communication like we are having right now, you are saying a thing, you are reading my body language, you're reading my intonation, I'm reading yours. And there's also an energetic exchange. That is not the same when you are behind a screen, you know, they're on the toilet or whatever. And they can take all the time in the world to find the perfect words. They can use chat GPT to find the perfect words. They can be uninhibited. They can be uninhibited with what they're saying. But then in person, we're awkward. We can't find the words right away. We can't make eye contact. We're uncomfortable in our bodies. And that really prevents that feeling of connection that you've maybe fantasized about when you were getting the good morning text, but doesn't exist in real life. And it can. It can. But this is why I'm like, don't get caught up in the fantasy. I have a one-to-one rule. You have to meet between one day and one week. I say. One day and one week from the time you match because you don't want a same day date unless you're... That's your thing, cool, right? That's fine. But most of the people who come to me are coming to me for the fairy tale. They want the long-term relationship. They want what I have built. they want someone that's going to be a partner. And it's like, you can get a booty call same day and that's fine. But some intentionality one day to one week. After that, you're starting to create a vision of a person that may or may not actually exist in real life. I'll never forget to remind you of a story. I haven't shared this yet. Yes. Because as you go further into the relationship, the dating stories start to get less and less for me. I'm like, I don't have as many. But I matched with this guy and he was so cute. And I remember God talk about making an entire fantasy. And we were texting. The minute we matched, we started texting each other. Then, of course, we start. I'm like, he's like, what are you doing right now? I said, I'm reading attached. Of course, we start having the conversation. And we're texting like all the time. And he had a kid. He was visiting the kid. Kid didn't live with him. And so he was like, you know, I'm going to be on and off my phone. But like, I'll be back. He was like a few days later. He's like, I'll be back after the holidays. It was like the day before New Year's Eve. He's like, let's meet, you know, on like the first or the second. Fine. And we're texting all the time. And I remember anytime I didn't hear from him, like having full on panic attacks, hyperventilating, and then I get the text was like oxygen. And I'm so excited. I'm like, this is it. Like, this is going to be my person. He's exactly what I want. Everything. I show up on the date and I remember just like beaming and being excited. And he was flat, just like no expression, very shy, very cute, but like not what I thought, you know, like just a totally different dynamic. and I remember trying to like force the connection on the date and be like sitting next to him and trying to like grab his hand but like clearly seeing neither of us were really jiving with each other like I think he liked the idea of me and I was so not into him we ended up like hanging in another couple of times and I always was trying to make it something it just wasn't because there was the cognitive dissonance of but who this person was when we were texting all the time and I got to create this fantasy sure enough we went on I think like four dates and I get a text from him you know I think you're amazing but like I'm just not feeling what I want to feel at this time and I don't think we should continue it we ended up connecting recently because he was like hey by the way your contents really helped me and I was like you know could you share a little bit more as to why and it turns out he's like wild anxiety and has been dating the most avoidant women since and he was like you were just really healthy and I didn't know what to do with it and I wasn't feeling that spark because I'm normally with women that make me earn it and I have to chase them and he's like now that I'm in therapy I'm starting to realize that and he's like and I totally fucked up I was like, no, you did. Right. Right. It's too late now. Right. We're three, almost four years later. And it's like, good luck, Godspeed. But that was that moment where I realized, like, holy shit, this means nothing. Like all of this that I've built up didn't actually translate into real life. And instead of me being OK and grieving that, I tried to hold on to it. And then I was gutted and devastated for days and weeks after because he rejected me. when I was like, no, baby, he rejected himself. You were just in the way because it was that was that moment where I had to stop and go, this is your fucking time. I'm curious if you would have felt differently if you had cut it off sooner. Like you knew from that first date, it probably wasn't a match. But would you have had that same reaction of like, I'm so disappointed this didn't work if you had acknowledged that it wasn't the fantasy? 100%. I think had I been in reality, Like I said boundaries early on of like, hey, I don't want to text. Like, let's just meet in person, see if we jive. And if not, that's cool. Right. I think if I had handled it completely differently, probably in that time, he was one of the first people that I talked on the show about this other guy. They were at the same time where like I really started to change the way I dated after that, because when I even though I was upset, I was really trying to be like, OK, but like don't contact him. You don't need to reach out like you're allowed to be sad. That's when I started to realize that now, of course, I'd be like, yeah, whatever. You know, didn't work out next. but I think then I was so sold on the fairy tale the idea that this man was going to enter my life and it was just going to be that's it like this is it you've met your person and you're going to run off into the sunset the fairy tale is a guy that farts a lot and a dog that's super cute but like that's the fairy tale right like I love my partner and I love but it's not what we seem to think it's going to be because we're holding on to feelings versus actually being present in the moment to what is actually happening yeah but what I love about what you just shared is that you took that experience and you, you learn from it and you metabolized it into something that was really constructive and that was actually going to help you on your dating path, which is really a lot of the work that I do. It's like things are going to happen in dating that piss you off, that make you feel like crap, that, that disappoint you. And what do we do with that? How do we turn that into the fairy tale? And a lot of times people, when they, They hear the title F the Fairy Tale. They think that I'm anti-love, that I'm pessimistic. And that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm very optimistic about love. Drew Barrymore calls it Hope with a Roadmap. Yeah, I love that. What you said about that book. Which is really, it crystallizes my philosophy. But it's the subtitle. It's F the Fairy Tale. Rewrite the dating myths and live your own story. It's don't believe the stories that were handed down to you. the fairy tales, the rom-coms and everything that, that we are on a constant, constant stream of receiving from the outside and realize that you have the power to write your own fairy tale. You have the power to write your own story. And yes, it may end up with your Prince Charming farting a lot and being a little bit more Shrek-y, but it's okay. I, for me, I'm like, okay, yeah, the fairy tales, like whatever happened to like Prince Eric, like, was he an alcoholic, right? Like nobody talked about what happened after Cinderella went left the ball it's like we don't we just let and they lived happily ever after and you're like what does that mean it gives too much for up and you know why truthfully when I first met Ryan he loves rom-coms I can't watch them and I had to sit with it and he was like why do you hate them so much and I said because they're not real and they gave me a false hope and I really struggled like how to lose a guy in 10 days right I was her right that fucking mess and it's like no I didn't get Matthew McConaughey at the end I got ghosted right Or like, I got a UTI instead, like did not get that this man loves me and went through traffic to stop me from leaving. And it's OK. Like, of course, I want everybody enjoy the fucking movies you like. But for me, because I understand what you mean when I'm more realistic, I struggle with these fantasies and this idea that something's going to be not because I don't want other people to feel disappointed when you get there. And Disneyland is is like a little Burger King. I do love Disneyland. I am a Disney file. however however my husband does not like Disneyland there you go but that's why I had children so now I can say you could go to Disneyland right but I it is the the attachment to the story going a particular way and this is why I hear all the time from my dates mates listeners like how do you know like I've been dating with dating someone they are great on paper but I don't know and the rom-coms give us this idea that there is a moment where he's chasing you through traffic or, you know, where the very godmother anoints us and we're like, oh, we know. And there's no sparkles. There's no confetti. But when you have done all of the work that you talk about all the time on the show, when you do the work and when you are really clear on who you are, what you have to offer in a relationship because it is a two-way street it is reciprocal and then what you want it's so much easier to tell than just like i'm gonna i'm gonna make a profile i'm gonna go online just see what what's what's up i'm just gonna slide this person's dm and like i don't know throw a caution to the wind when you don't date with intention and you're just like i'll see what's out there go with the flow go with the flow or you say hey do you know anybody to set me up with you're gonna get anybody well that's i wish we had a profile this week to read sometimes me and ryan will do them and we're like first of all people are terrible at self-identification like i want all of these things and they list it out of like i want someone emotionally intelligent securely attached when i see that i instantly look and go they don't know what these words mean you are using the buzzwords of like i want someone who's emotionally intelligent and aware and it's like okay do you think the average person you think someone's gonna go oh yeah that's not me no no no i'm an idiot i don't know most people are like i that's me i'm all of these things i'm secure and it's more just of like that's not actually what we're looking for what we're looking for someone that's like growth minded what we're looking for is that somebody that can have tough conversations and regulate their emotional and their nervous system and so for me I actually that was a missed opportunity but next time we'll have you on we'll do a profile audit because sometimes we get some and I'm like okay it's not a surprise that you're not getting the results you want because I know nothing about you I learned nothing about you it's 17 photos with your head to the side or glasses or with friends and I'm like I don't get to know who you are And why would I make a choice to spend my time with you if I have nothing about you? Yeah. And I say pick a side of the street because they'll say, I'm just as comfortable in a pair of sweats as I am in a pair of high heels. Okay. Like, I get it. We all contain multitudes. Just for the purposes of your profile, you are marketing yourself. Pick a side of the street. Make a choice. And we're so afraid of the rejection. We're afraid, well, if I say this wrong thing, then it's going to turn somebody off. and we actually want to turn off the wrong people. We don't want to get in a text exchange. We don't want to get five dates in and realize that it not a match We want to be more efficient That really what I teach people to do is how to be more efficient in dating And that all starts with clarity But you know so many times people will either tell me, I'll say, what are you looking for? And they'll tell me, I don't, I'll know it when I see it. And I'm like, girl, have you seen it yet? Because I don't know. Or they'll have a list, like you said, a mile long. And it's like everything here cancels each other cancels each other out so it's really worth doing a deep deep dive and figuring out at the core how you want to feel thank you literally in the relationship right our brains must be on the same i was thinking always i know well i said when you were on dates and mates i was like so many times i'll be listening to you and i'll almost mouth the words along and i'm like are we we're mind we're the same but you know we've seen a lot of these stories and it's not my first rodeo it's not yours it's not yours either all right should we answer some questions oh please okay all right girl you don't know how ryan has titled them he chooses all the questions i don't so it's a lot more fun girl you don't need to know the attachment style of the fuck boy is the title of this email hello lovely sabrina and demona i recently came across your page and i really hope clearly you explain emotional patterns and dating i'm reaching out because i truly need some perspective and guidance about a situation that left me confused and emotionally drained so here's what happened a few months ago i met this guy named i'm going to change the names in case this is his real name. Xavier. I don't know where that came from, but Xavier. He's half German, so that's not Xavier. He's half German, half Austrian, and works as a bartender in a place I used to go with my friends. We know each other by sight, but we officially met later on an app. From the very first message, he said he'd really love to get to know me better. I was genuinely excited. He seemed charming, intelligent, and emotionally grounded. I have questions. This is why my ADHD brain always is like, wait a minute, I have questions. Like, what made you think that? Based on what? Thank you. okay we went on a date and everything went incredibly well the chemistry the conversation the way we connected things got a bit intimate that night and although i don't didn't plan for that to happen it did yes okay girl you have needs the next day he ghosted me i felt confused and hurt but after a few days i deleted the app and found him on instagram i followed him he followed me back and he started texting again i have questions at some point he told me he's not looking for anything serious at that moment and that he would love to see me again that's where the confusion started that's where her confusion started i say this with love my baby but r started a little bit earlier since then he's been inconsistent sometimes flirty sometimes distant often vague about meeting up for example he mentioned meeting on sunday but didn't specify what or where when i asked for clarity he replied with emojis or jokes not a clear answer yeah deflection i've tried to stay cool not chase but his behavior leaves me completely unsure does he actually like me but is emotionally avoidant or is he just playing games and using me as an option part of me feels like he lost respect for me after we slept together too soon basically on our first date i'm tired of that narrative i fucked ryan on the first date and he's in the other room i can't tell whether this hot and cold dynamic means disinterest or fear of intimacy i'm aware that i may have developed a stronger emotional bond than i intended what hurts the most is not rejection itself but the feeling i wasn't chosen that i wasn't seen or valued the way i'd hoped i'd be i'd really appreciate your insight how can i emotionally detach from someone who gives mixed signals how do i rebuild my sense of worth and stop replaying the what ifs and from your professional perspective what type of attachment or behavior pattern might he be showing thank you for reading the long message i truly appreciate your time would be grateful for your reflection warmly m i'm not going to give names because i want to respect everyone's privacy all right what do you think go i have so much compassion for em because i she she really nailed it it's about that feeling of rejection it is not about him it is not none of this is about him this is all about how you want to feel and you didn't get that feeling met because you were chasing what the fairy tale you know i just said this on dates and mates recently people will tell you who they are early on. Like Maya Angelou said, people tell you who they are. The first, believe them the first time. Don't make them prove it to you again and again. She's making him prove it to her again and again. He said, I'm not looking for anything serious. And then he has been inconsistent with texting. And then he's been texting just emojis. Like he is a grown ass man playing around. He's literally flashing red lights at you saying, this is who I am. This is what I want. And you're like, la, la, la, la, la, la. I cannot hear that. If I understand their attachment style, I can understand them better. His attachment style is he's not interested in a relationship. You are. Thank you. Next. Got to move on. The confusion started for me immediately because this is the fantasy. She says it off the beginning. I was excited. He seemed charming, intelligent, emotionally grounded. How do you know that from messages on Bumble? How do you know that from messages? Besides, we talked about that you could chat to BT it. You could have friends write it for you. I've had friends ask me. I had a client once who asked me to help him with his profile. I didn't know he had copied and pasted everything. Then you would show me and go, I don't understand. Why am I not getting the dates? And you'd show me the messages. And I was like, that's why. Because you took my words. And then your message is, hey, you look good. And I was like, this is why. Because there's a complete incongruence. One girl had even called him out. And she was like, the profile you wrote isn't the way you're talking to me. So that's the first thing. Then it's like we went on a date and everything went incredible. like okay so already it's like oh it's so perfect it's so perfect we we hooked up then it's the next day he ghosted me it's like how did you know the next day already that he ghosted you it's like you just texted me just didn't answer right like how did we have that determination so quickly so then you go on instagram you follow him this person just showed you that they don't respect your time after fucking you so you follow them on instagram and then you just go back into texting as if nothing ever happened self-abandonment it's just self-abandoning i want to be chosen please please pick me look if I just don't bring anything up you'll choose me this is why duh no shit at the end it didn't work out that's why I'll be honest all the questions I ask how can I emotionally detach from someone who gave mixed signals what do you think it's all internal you've got to realize what it looks like in not the fairy tale but in your your real relationship goal how do you want to feel do you want to feel like this do you want to feel abandoned do you want to feel like you're chasing. Because I mean, going on Instagram and finding him, you said you don't want to chase. You're literally chasing. And you just have to remind yourself that you can find that and you deserve that. Because I think sometimes when in the absence of the fairy tale, we start to tell ourselves the nightmare. We start to tell ourselves the horror story. I'm always going to be alone. No one is ever going to love me. This is just how it is. This is just how dating is and everybody out there is like that. Do not tell yourself that story. It is absolutely not true. You are living proof of that. I am living proof of that. I have thousands of clients who are in successful, happy relationships, but we can't, if you let the dark come in and you start telling yourself this is just how it's supposed to be or how it's going to be for you, then it becomes crushing. You got to look at what is, right? She's focused on what if, how do I rebuild my sense of self and stop replaying the what ifs well first we have to understand like where did you learn that this is love right like we have to get really curious again not villainizing our parents this isn't about my parents are pieces of shit and I fucking hate them it's like I mean you might but what this is about is saying yeah growing up this is how I've learned what love is growing up I used to chase I used to do this or this is what I experienced this is what I saw this is what I was taught then we can start to go okay I'm focused on what if but I'm not actually looking at what is because if I were looking at what is that's why when I hear confused it's like no no you're not confused you're just refusing to bridge the gap between the cognitive dissonance between what you think that they're going to be and who they actually are. You're not confused. You're just not willing to admit reality. And that was the hardest thing for me because you know why? If I admitted that the person was limited, then admitting that they were limited means that I have to admit that I was allowing it. By me admitting I am allowing it, then I have to access what are my choices. And then that meant I had to make one. And that was terrifying because if I'm the victim and I have none, it's so much easier to make my woe is me story around me because when I finally saw it, I had to make a determination of what I was going to do with it because then that's a conscious choice at that point it's not that he's rejecting her it's rejecting what she has to offer it's rejecting what she wants so if she can also create a little bit more distance between her and what he's actually pushing away because it's not personal in most cases and the attachment style that doesn't matter like we have got to stop fucking diagnosing people in their attachment styles because that's self abandonment if I can focus on them I can avoid the pain if I don't have to deal with the pain and I can just intellectualize why they did it then I don't have to grieve the ending of it but you still have to the behavior he's showing this feels like an emotionally unavailable fuck boy this feels like a guy who doesn't take accountability who but here's the reality what behavior are you showing right how are we showing up are we allowing it are we self-abandoning are we people pleasing that's okay you're human but it's less about him and more about what is this bringing up within me that I have control over. Because you know what you don't have control over? Any of this nonsense. Yeah. And she will be empowered by making a different choice the next time as we were talking earlier. Taking that experience and using it for self-study and letting it inform your next choice is the key to unlocking, to not feeling that way and to unlocking a different relationship destiny for you. And like you said really beautifully, he's not rejecting you. He's rejecting a relationship in the way that you might want one. And we have to also remember, I get written in every day, but I don't get it. Like, what? So what? They don't want a relationship. Like, but I'm here. Why wouldn't they want one with me? It's like, because a relationship isn't just that you sit on the couch and watch movies all the time together. A relationship isn't that you're just texting each other memes. A relationship is really hard conversations. It's vulnerability. It's transparency. It's saying things you might hurt your feelings, but I have to say it. It's showing up. It's doing the work. It's being triggered. Like there's a lot of emotional bandwidth that comes with a healthy and secure relationship that I think people underestimate, which is why you're not in one. Because if you were really ready for that, you will show up as that and you'll stop accepting the people that are showing up like this because they're wasting your fucking time. Yeah. It won't even be a decision. You will just know. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Next. Okay. Shall we? The titles are making me laugh. Two peeps with no fully developed frontal lobe is the next name. Oh, jeez. Ryan. Love you, Ryan. And he's probably sitting there being like, she wasn't supposed to read those. All right. And I'm going to change everyone's names because I'm not meaning to be rude. And we actually had somebody write in saying, don't make money off my story. And I was like, oh, you're the person they wrote in about. I was like, oh, you salty bitch. Don't act like shit. And then wonder why you get called out. And I was like, yeah, too late. Okay. Hi, Sabrina. I've been a listener for a year now. And I appreciate the guidance and clarity you bring to our lives. I'm writing to you about my current situation. I'm 20 and the man I'm dating is 26. We've been exclusive for three months after connecting on social media. and we both established on the first date that we're looking for a serious relationship. Everything was going really wonderfully and we typically see each other once or twice a week. However, about a month ago, we had a conversation about our feelings. He mentioned that he really enjoys the company and that things are progressing well, but he's still unsure if I'm the one. When I asked him to clarify, he explained that he definitely wants to continue dating me and getting to know me. His hesitation comes from not yet feeling the overwhelmingly, totally obsessed feeling that he associates with the one. I know. and honestly too side note this like i want someone obsessed with me thing i'm like do you know how unhealthy that is like i don't want anyone obsessed with me i want someone to really love me and not be able to live without me in their life because i'm amazing i don't want you to be obsessed with me totally okay just glad we took him side okay i acknowledge his feelings but i also made my position clear i'm willing to continue seeing him for a bit longer but my ultimate goal is a committed relationship i'm not prepared to keep investing my time and energy into this connection if he not ready to officially label our relationship soon all right ryan i have to say I think you a little hard on him I see a developed lobe here but let me finish the rest of the email currently nothing as much has changed he still hasn taken a step forward or discussed getting into a worldly relationship although he still makes future plans like planning a christmas trip with me however what really concerns me is the lack of emotional intimacy he's open about his daily life but he shares very little of his personal world like his family past or friends i don't think he's hiding anything but i want to feel like he's comfortable sharing the more intimate part of his life with me i know i need to have the conversation again but I'm afraid I might just be overthinking a connection that needs time to grow. Thank you for reading this. Another M. I think M knows the conversation that he needs to have. But again, it's the attachment to the fairy tale. And by the way, I think there's an idea that the fairy tale is only for women, that only women can be attached to it. No. The fairy tale knows no gender because we've all been steeped in these same stories. And even just from our parents' relationships, our grandparents' relationships, there's a mold that we are actively in the process of needing to break and he knows the questions the question is not about the future of the relationship the question is about the emotional intimacy and the need that's not getting met in the relationship so all that stuff that he shared with us he needs to actually share with his partner and don't worry about the long-term outcome no one can predict the future i mean some people can predict the future the simpsons true right i dabble in the the psychic unknown but you don't know where you're at right now in the timeline and in the in you you're playing forward to the ending but your need for emotional intimacy needs to be addressed and i'm not so sure that he's not that his partner is not hiding something because if there's like a whole area of your life that you don't want to talk about or just doesn't come up there may be something really tender in that and even the trust in sharing that like I talk in F the Fairy Tale about the pillars of long-term compatibility and the last one to be built is trust and mutual respect and that one takes time but when he does open up to you, Em. And when that is unlocked, that is so much deeper than any declaration of like, I feel I'm obsessed with you. I'm madly in love with you. We're going to be together forever. That's just words. This episode is sponsored by OneSkin. You guys know I am not trying to anti-age. I am trying to age gracefully. And that's why I love OneSkin because at their core is their patented OS1 peptide. It is the first ingredient proven to target senescent cells, a key driver of wrinkles, fine lies, and loss of elasticity. And these results have been validated in four different peer-reviewed clinical studies. I use the under-art cream. Sometimes I'll even use it around my mouth. I'll use it on my neck so it's a nice lightweight cream. I love it because it really just makes me feel like I've got the right protection and my skin is glowing. The best part is it's born from over a decade of longevity research. OneSkin's OS1 peptide is proven to target the visible signs of aging, helping you unlock your healthiest skin now and as you age. For a limited time, try OneSkin with 15% off using code Sabrina at OneSkin.co slash Sabrina. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code Sabrina. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. please support our show the Sabrina Zohar show and tell them we sent you what I really got was exactly what you're saying the emotional unavailability is palpable here because he's unsure I'm the one he wants to be totally obsessed and all that it's like so to me that person's not rooted in reality I find him to have the fantasy to have the almost like he's not really rooted in the where we are now because he's expecting this to be a feeling and what happens feelings fade and then you're left with a human because when all that's done you got a person across from you that shits, eats, breathes, does everything like you do, but maybe in a different way. So that was the first thing I got. The second thing I got was what you picked up on, that he has the lack of emotional intimacy. It's like, so then let me ask you, what makes you want this person so bad? If you don't really know anything about them, they're not really letting you into their life. And for me, like when I met Ryan, he asked me to be his girlfriend like two times and I said no, but I didn't just leave it there. I wasn't just like, nope, I was very clear. I said, my answer is no, but can I explain why? I don't feel like you're as vulnerable with me. I was like, I share a lot of things with you. I really need to see more of that depth. I really need to see that consistency. I need to be able to build trust with you. I gave very clear rubrics of what I needed so that he could go, got it. And he was able to then he was like, so I need to show more vulnerability. You're right. I need to work on that. He started to open up more because then what I saw was, OK, now I feel more comfortable. I'm able to tell him something. He listens to me. We talk about it. Now we're doing it. We move on from it. And I think that's the missing point here. It's not that if this guy had said, hey, I think you're really great. We've only been together three months. I'm not sure that this is like I'm in for the long run because none of us really know after three months if you are. But what I do know is I really like you and I really want to keep getting to know you. So why don't we at least just give this like the old college try? My issue is the lack of emotional intimacy because then I go, okay, well, then what makes you think that this is going to be a healthy and secure relationship if you don't know anything about his life? Right. It goes back to what the prior M was saying of wanting to be chosen. Yeah. Like, and, and actually I can relate when I met my husband, he, he said something similar to me and it took us 10 months to say, I love you. Yeah. And it was, and I was the one that I kind of said it first. I sort of tricked him. I put it, I put it in a note, I put it in a letter, uh, in a card. And, um, then he was like, I love you too. And I was like, so you did say it first kind of, but technically, technically, but he said to me like I don't feel the same thing I felt in prior relationships it wasn't like whiz bang and I'm like obsessed with you and that stuck with me for a long time that it was a much slower build than either of us had been used to but like I'm sitting here 18 years of marriage later and I am still deeply curious about my husband. There are still things that I learn and discover and every day I feel more connected to him and that is the kind of thing if you're really looking for happily ever after in a long-term relationship, don't go for the spark. Don't go for the whiz bang right out of the gate. Look for that curiosity and look for that curiosity to be reciprocated. The spark got me into therapy. The spark kept me into therapy because it was that's the cognitive dissonance again of like, no, no, but I'm following these feelings. And it's like, what feelings don't always lead me to where I need to go because they have an idea of somebody. And then I'm not really seeing them for who they are because I'm so caught up in what I'm feeling that I know, no, no, none of that exists. and so I think for this like that would be my thing to em is for him to get curious about like what makes you want to be in a relationship with somebody that you don't really feel like you know and that you're constantly waiting to see if they open up because then that does feel like we're getting into a prove mentality of like see I'm safe and you can open up to me and like please share which of course like everybody runs differently but that would be the conversation and 100% he does need to have it but I would say I'm afraid I might just be overthinking connection that needs time to grow. No, I think you're just making excuses at this point, because I think your gut knows this isn't how you want it to be. And like you said, this isn't necessarily the relationship you want. You can take space like it's OK. And you're 20. You got plenty of time. I forgot that part also. Lots of money. But I do feel like sometimes there's like a time served, time invested mentality where it's like, well, we're already three months in. I don't want to start back at the starting line with somebody else. Sunk cost bias. Right. Sunk cost. Exactly. So I feel like there's there's also this fear from that if if I really say what I need, if I really go deep with this person, then there may be a rejection on the other side. But unless you are willing to walk through that, you're always going to be in this state of guessing. What does this mean? They're saying this thing, but then they're continuing to invest in the relationship and people progress on different timelines. So maybe he, maybe he needs six more months to feel, feel like this, like you're his person. Or maybe you have that conversation about emotional intimacy and he's like, can't go there with you. And then you have clarity and clarity is worth so much more than happily ever after. I see it as if you've spent three months and you're saying, oh, well, I don't want to, like, I've already spent this long. It's like, but do you want to waste another three to six months? Do you want to waste another three to six years? Do you want to continue to spend your time? I'd rather learn and move on than look back and go, man, I wish I had listened. Or I wish I'd actually been there with myself instead of overlook saying, I'm just scared. It's like, yeah, but we do hard things all the time. Yeah. And getting clarity is so much more empowering. Like I had, before I met my husband, And I had this on again, off again, three year limbo relationship. And I was working with a coach at the time and she gave me the confidence to really ask for what I needed. And I sat down with him and I was like, here, this is where we've been. This is what I need this to be to keep in this dynamic. And he just flat out was like, can't do it. Sorry. Like, that's just not where I'm at and I can't do it. And I thought I would feel devastated. I thought that I would feel raw. And instead, I just felt like, you know what? I'm a badass. I did a really hard thing. I said the thing. And you know what? This doesn't feel like a rejection to me. This feels like I now have clarity. I now have the power to be able to chart my path forward. And I ended up meeting my husband like three months after that. Same with Ryan. I broke it off with the guy that was not there for me. And I was like, not next. And I met him like three days later. And it was just, you know, of course, it's not everybody's trajectory. But when you stop trying so hard to open a door that's not opening, you then finally look and see all the windows and doors that are opening around you. Because to me, this would be a waste of your time as opposed to you've already wasted your time. I think that you waste your time if you don't learn from it, if you don't implement something from it, if you don't at least try to say, well, how can I progress moving forward? And if we're just going to keep repeating the same stuff, it's like, that's trauma. Don't get me wrong. But now we have to say, well, what are my choices? Can't change them. But we can change what you did. What was the difference between if you had gone to pieces and you being able to move on was how you perceived the situation? Because you didn't internalize it. You didn't say, oh, there's something wrong with me. Am I not good enough? He didn't want me. That person rejected a relationship in the way that you wanted it. They did not reject you. And we have got to be okay with that. Ah, Demona. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. Where can people find you? We'll link the book, of course, in the show notes. But tell us where people can find you. I'm on the socials at Demona Hoffman. and yeah you can get F the Fairy Tale wherever you get your books and listen to Dates and Mates wherever you're listening to the Sabrina Zohar show right now yeah and you can hear me on your show and you now get to meet Demona on ours guys thank you so much don't forget rate and review the show leave a comment let us know what you thought and I'm so excited and I'll see you guys next week