#735 - TRIPLE H + CARROT TOP

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony HinchCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band and you're coming to live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get it for Tony HinchCliff! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Brain Red Band! What's up? And that is, without a doubt, the best damn band in the land. Make some noise for him, everybody. Roll the leo. Carlos Sosa. Nachos Belgrande. Michael Gonzalez. Matt Mueling. John Dees. And this is the great D-Madness, everybody. How exciting is this? When I tell you we have an unfucking believable show for you, I really mean it. And you're gonna find out all about it when we get back from these fine messages from the sponsors that made it all possible. Another morning, another reminder there's a gap to be careful of, but maybe it's time to bridge the one between your 9 to 5 and your dream of living life on your own terms. At HSBC, we know ambition looks different to everyone. Whether it's retiring early or leaving more for your family, we can help. Because when it comes to unlocking your money's potential, we know wealth. Search HSBC Wealth Today. HSBC UK. Opening up a world of opportunity. HSBC UK current account holders only. Whether you're off to the big match. Get in! Enjoying a trip to the coast to catch up with friends. Or exploring some incredible history with your family. With up to a third off most rail travel, a rail card can help you save on train journeys all around Great Britain. Find the one for you at railcard.co.uk. Tee's and see's apply. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Yeah! Every single week I book two of the funniest guests in the world. Two of the greatest entertainers this week might be my finest work of my entire life. As I present to you, one of the greatest wrestlers, one of the greatest entertainers of all time. And a front runner for the 2025 guest of the year. At the same time, I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, Triple H and Carrot Pop! Triple H! Carrot Pop! Oh yes! Hold on, I gotta sit down. We are in. The old fuck's gotta sit down. Thank you, thank you Triple. Thank you, buddy. Oh, make some fucking noise for Triple H and Carrot Pop. Oh my God. We are in it. Triple H, the man, the myth is here. WWE is now teamed up with ESPN everybody. All their biggest events are now on ESPN's new streaming service. And Carrot Top is also here, ladies. I'm also in wrestling. I've just started, we just talked about it. We're gonna do a little tag team thing later. Oh shit. I'm gonna start drinking, I'm gonna hydrate. Someone's gonna be buried alive in a chest full of tops. It is incredible to have you here, Triple H. It's like Gallagher was here, there's fucking water everywhere. It's very exciting. The greatest entrance in sports entertainment history. How you doing, Carrot Top? I'm doing alright. I look great, right? Three microphones on, right? I have three, I know. You don't wanna miss a thing. Carrot Top is the reason I am now bald. Yes. That was my future and I was like, fucking, I'm shaming. Oh fuck. I love it. Carrot Top, one of the front runners for the 2025 guest of the year. Oh man, oh shit. It's a stiff competition this year. I'll fuck that up tonight, trust me. We'll fix that, we'll fix that. We're very excited to have you back. I see you brought your chest of fun stuff. Triple H is first time on the show, Triple H. No, Triple H, giving every wrestler in the world their opportunities. He decides everything now. Everybody remembers their first time. That's right. And someone assur... Eventually you'll know. Someone assuredly is gonna have their first time here tonight, because over 300 people signed up to be in this bucket, like pull a name, I hand it off, we wrangle them from a bar next door and they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview, the entire thing is improvised, they have no idea that they're gonna be performing in front of Carrot Top and Triple H. So there's probably some people that took a little bit of mushrooms, having a few drinks over there, just like, yeah, it's probably gonna be a mellow show tonight. And they're probably gonna think that they're tripping their balls off when they come out and see Carrot Top and Triple H. In the meanwhile, when we go wrangle that first bucket pull, we have the return of a really rock-solid comedian who's gonna do the first minute of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the long-awaited return of Ike Gazaman, everybody. Ike! Austin, make some fucking noise! Ike! Muslim countries don't have strip clubs because women don't dance when you throw rocks at them. Kamala Harris does not use the N-word because she isn't black. She's Indian. Indians don't use the N-word unless their liquor store is being robbed. This last joke is gonna be a really fucked-up one. So I'm from Russia. That's not the fucked-up part. Does anyone know how to say book in Russian? Kniga. K-N-I-G-A, Kniga. I know it sounds a lot like the N-word. And you see Russians in U.S. are fucking sneaky. Anytime they want to use the N-word in public, they say book in English. For example, that book had over a thousand bottles of baby oil in his house. Austin, you're fucking great! Thank you so much! I... How do you say your last name again? Gazarian. Almost. Gazarian. It's Armenian. Okay, alright. You're everything. Russian, Armenian, unlikable. I love it. Welcome back to the show, Ike. That was very Russian of you because there were definitely some civilians being bombed at some parts of that set. But welcome back, your famous character in the universe because you have a hookah bar slash restaurant in San Diego that we once read the reviews of. And it turns out that we took what was a very struggling business at the time. You were about to go bankrupt and everything, and we read the reviews on the show. And from what I understand, business has 100% turned around, and it's one of the busiest restaurants in San Diego now. Am I correct? That is... That is fucking true. Kill Tony fans are fucking awesome. I had 1100 reviews that took me 10 years to get. You guys left 2500 in the first two days and Yelp fucking blocked me for three months. But it was great because I could talk shit to all those shitty customers and they couldn't leave a review, man. It was fucking amazing. I loved it, Tony. Incredible. So business is good, business is boobin', the hookah bar part is good. What was the famous line, you can't smoke ash? And your review is a lie. Yes, sir. So tell us more about it. Was it immediate? The change? Good, right away. Yeah, people started commenting. The moment the show came up, thousands of reviews just piling in, piling in. I couldn't even read them on time because Yelp kept fucking deleting them. Not stop, and so did Google, but it wasn't about that. It was amazing. Kill Tony Bump is real, you guys. The show really has changed my life. I almost went fucking broke, and you guys really did say... How about the comedy? How's the comedy been going since then? Is the comedy good? The comedy? Or are you just selling baklava and kudos? The comedy's been doing great. I just came back from a tour today. I did a Russian tour. Sorry, guys, it's a Russian tour. But hopefully I'll start doing more English tours. I've... Local comedy clubs love me. I've been performing, doing 25, 30-minute sets. I have yet to do an hour, but I will. Okay. I have the material for it. Well, you have the material for it. Oh. Turn into a supervillain real quick. I have fucking material. Well, you have... I might do an hour if you leave long enough to hear it all. Kara Top, what do you think about this? I'm trying to... If I have a Russian prop, I don't think I have a Russian... I don't have a Russian nothing prop, but I... Just pull out... Wait, I have... There's anything. Is the Cowboys' new helmet right there? That's a new helmet. I mean, it's... I mean, it's close to Russian, right? Cowboys' shirt. I probably... We're in Texas, I should probably put that one. No, that's hilarious. We love trashing the Cowboys. It could have been any of the helmet, by the way. I was coming here, you know. No, trust me, it works for the Cowboys. You nailed it. Ike, what else is going on? Love life's good, still with the wife? Still with the wife. Wife? Yes. Still with the wife? How is she? Is she happy with your performance here and the new money coming in? She's ecstatic. She's cheering for me. She knows I'm here tonight. And I have the best fucking wife in the world, man. She lets me thank you guys. She lets me go on tours. She watches both of our kids while I'm gone. When I have a mother-in-law, she's a fucking bitch, but... She helps. Is the wife super Russian, too? She's Asian Russian. She's one of them Asian Russians. She's from Siberia, so fucking up north. It's minus 60 Fahrenheit over there in the winter, for like nine months of the year. So she's happy in San Diego. She's like a tough lady. She calls you a pussy a lot. I tell her... I'll tell her I'll send her back if she doesn't fucking act, right? Is she a tough lady, though? Can you give an example of, like, where you realize, like, wow, I'm with a Siberian, Russian, Asian... The strap-on... Ha ha ha ha ha! I'm not kidding, I guess. Fuck. There's no Russian with that, yeah. Yeah, that's why... It takes your time. It takes your time. That's why I questioned wife earlier. I mean, I was on that already. Hello, Karatop. Hello, Harri. In Russia, why fuck you from begining? Which is funny, because Karatop is her pet name for the strap-on. Yeah, yeah, thank you. It should be. It's Johnnie. Oh, no, don't put in there. No, it'd be Karat Bottom, probably. You couldn't care less. You look like one. Oh, my goodness. I do. You'd be nice to the guests. No, no, no, I didn't like... See, these Russians, they can't fuck themselves. Nah, you're good. Fuck. Straight missiles just going everywhere over here. Ike, you did it again. Way to start the show. Congratulations. Thanks so much. Go to Pushkin in San Diego, one of the newest, biggest restaurants in Hukabars. Pushkin, a Kiltoni famous San Diego delight. All right, this is where the real fun happens, because this is where the whole thing can go off the rails. Some of these people are some of the most promising comedians in the world, hoping and waiting for their chance. Some are just nuts and crazy people, as you know. Anything can happen. Your first bucket pull the night goes by the name of Sean Stewart, everybody. Here we go. Whoo. Howdy-o, howdy-o. You guys drinking tonight? Yeah. Yeah, drink one for me. I've been sober nine months now. Yeah. Don't worry, I still do drugs. Right, right. But I have found a loophole to drinking, or I can still drink without drinking. You guys heard of boo-fing? Right? I shoved a buzz ball up my ass last week. It didn't work. You gotta open it first. I really wish I would have found it out before I put a second one up there. I just thought I had a really high tolerance. Right? Now, there are benefits to boo-fing, though. There are benefits to boo-fing, like, one, you get drunk faster. Two, you save money. And three, I get to come. All right, so many benefits to boo-fing, so many benefits. I don't know if you guys can tell I'm not very good with women. There we go. All right, Sean Stewart, good stuff. Thank you, thank you. Is this your first time on the show? This is my fifth. Wow. Look at that. Yeah, yeah. Such a memorable character. I guess not, I guess not. I took three months off, actually. I tried to get some new jokes and prepare a little bit. You took three months off. Yeah. You just did open mics and stuff during that time? No, I did it some... I went out to Vegas to do a show or two out there. Been trying to get around. I did the Vulcan finally. Almost two years in the comedy now, so... Okay, what do you do for work? I'm about to leave my job, so I just want to say, fuck AT&T. Wow. That's one way to do it. Yeah. I absolutely hate the company. I've been there for two years after they outsourced my job to Mexico. My goodness. Yeah. His phone just died. Like, fuck, fuck. Nah, I have T-Mobile. It's still cheaper, even with the discount. Wow. What did they do to you? What did AT&T do to you? Well, I worked in, like, tech support, and I trained Mexico to do my job, like, two years ago. And they took my job. They didn't even come to America. It was in Mexico City. I trained them over Zoom. Wow. They didn't even fly you to Mexico for that? Nope. Damn. Yeah, so now I'm doing customer support, and I've been talking to, like, grandmothers for the past two years, and I'm very mean to your grandmother, for no reason. It's a company's fault, though. What's your plan? Where are you going to go after this? No more AT&T? What are you going to do now? I've been doing photography for about a year or so, and I got a job. So you're going to go broke? No, no. Take pictures of other people that make more money than you. I wouldn't leave unless I had, like, a good backup plan. That's why I've been, like, stuck there for a year in therapy. What do you mean? I started going to therapy because of the job. It was stressing me out so much. Wow. Yeah, it's... Your grandmothers really need to learn how to, like, reset a Google password. It's... A five-year-old can do it. I've made some of them cry, and it's... I'm not proud of it. I feel like a bad person. Well, I promise you the other people that answer those calls on the other side of the world are much more frustrating than you, probably. Yeah. Actually, people tell me, like, ah, thank you for being so candid, because I'm like, the company doesn't care about you. The company doesn't care about me. They're like, I've been with the company for 15 years. And I was like, I've been with the company for seven years, and I got rid of my job. They don't... You're wearing numbers on a graph, lady. Did they know... Is AT&T on to you at all, or is this all going to be a big surprise? This is shocking that he still has a job in the way. Yeah, it's been a year that I've been talking to customers like this. I accidentally... I probably... I cussed one of them out by accident. I forgot to mute my mic. It was 30 minutes. All she needed to do was accept the terms and conditions, and I go to mute my mic. I was like, I fucking hate you. I hate this fucking job. Please fucking kill me. And she's just like, are you okay? And I was like, oh... I wasn't muted. Sorry about that. And she... I got lucky though. She didn't report me because she thought I was talking about the computer. And she's like, it's okay. I fucking hate the internet too, and these computers... It's alright, Sonny. And I'm like, thank God. That's amazing, Sean. Yeah. What's the rest of your life like? What do you do for fun? Oh, I used to rock climb a bit. I like going out in nature and hiking and stuff. Booping. Booping. Yeah, and booping. And booping. And booping to Molly. You got good. Alright. Have you really been sober for nine months? Oh, from alcohol, yeah. I had a... Not a fucking shot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I fucking questioned nine minutes. I still smoke. California's sober, but saying sober just makes you feel better about yourself. It does? Yeah. Like, I should have a chip too, I think. Do you go to meetings? How do you stay sober? What's your trick? I just... I just stopped drinking. Yeah. I just don't buy drinks anymore. People... I was in Vegas actually recently. Didn't take any free drinks, and I was gambling the whole time. Oh, man. I'm there. I didn't see... Can I do my... Yeah, carrot talk. Can I do my drinking? I just made this, and I may never try this, so why not do it on live television and live kill Tony? Oh, no. People get drunk, right? You're... Whatever, you're drunk, and guys punch the wall. Uh-huh. You probably punch them any wall. But guys are like, fuck, they break their hand, they hit the wall, they don't know this. So there should be a beer with a stud finder. So you know exactly where the... Fucking bitch! That might be the... That might be the winner. It won't go off if you wave it over me. One in. Well, two in. From a boofing standpoint, the stud finder is for the wall. Honestly. Yeah. I prefer more like the blue moon size. Have you ever actually boofed before? You brought that up. No, no, I haven't actually boofed. I sat on like something by accident, and it hurt, and I don't really understand anal. The old whoops boof. No, no, no. Just like something like misoddly shaped, and I was like, ah, why do people do anal? And I was like, it like hurts. Heck yeah. Let's go back to your love life for a second. When's the last time you had a girlfriend, or were with a girl, or anything like that? I recently got out of something like a month ago or so, and she has an expensive keyboard from me, because she was like a nerdy girl that was playing video games. I was like, ah, I got an extra keyboard, and then she just ghosted me. Like a computer keyboard? Yeah, I want my keyboard back, because we never even played video games together. She just took my keyboard. Wow. It sounds like it's time for a new episode of the Nerds People Club. Yeah. Over here. On the boofing side, you might want to hit the first guy that was out here. I think his wife's got some tips for you that might be able to help you out. She can fit a lot in there. You'd have to ask him. He seemed to enjoy it though. Ah. Sean, this girl that ended up with your fancy keyboard, why did the relationship end? What was the last straw there? Can you give us a real example of what went wrong in that thing? Really just fizzled out. I kind of think I just committed too hard a little bit. She also posted or set it up as like, I only want a relationship. I don't want to hook up. And I was like, yeah, that's why I'm not really hooking up right now. I'm not trying to get into anything. And so, opened myself up and thought we were going for that, and it just didn't work out. Wow. Yeah. She was young too, 22. I'm 28, so I was like, I wasn't trying to get into anything. She just came over and was like, talking to me a whole bunch. And I was like, yeah, I guess we can go out. This is very vulnerable for the show. What the fuck? I mean, yeah, this is the show. This is the show you're on. He's being Shiloh Boof. Yeah. Good job, Red Band. Shiloh Boof. Have you gotten a big jokebook in your five times on the show? Yeah. There you go. Then you're all good. There he goes, Sean Stewart, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along. Sean Stewart. Knocking it out. On to the next one we go. We're going to keep it moving. This is 60 seconds. Oh, the lovely Heidi is here, everybody. Oh, my goodness. Best drinks in the world, no matter what it may be. When she makes it, there's nothing better. All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Mike Holder, everyone. Mike Holder. Here we go. Make some noise for Mike, everybody. Thank you guys very much. Thank you very much. I'm not sure if you guys know who I am, but I'm on a lot of street signs. It's the size of a sepidestrian crossing, and I'm standing like this. I thought you might recognize me, my clothes are maybe not. A couple of phrases that piss me off. I hate it when someone starts telling me a story, and halfway through they say, anyway, long story short, then they continue to make the story longer. My God, man. Why do we call people who wake up at sunrise early birds? As if they are late birds. I thought all birds were company. What do you think? There's a bird somewhere waking up at 10 o'clock saying, oh, shit, I missed my flight. What never fucking happened? Since they lock your phones away, I assume you haven't heard the news. Earlier today, a group of chickens were protesting the use of hormones. It was a peaceful protest, but some are raising canes. In tragic news, a fatal shooting at a golf resort resulted in a hole in one and three handicaps. It was tragic. Regarding the Epstein scandal, honestly, all this time, I was never interested in seeing the list. I just wanted to know why is that place still called the Virgin Islands? It's not a single version left. Like Grandma Chopin, Mike Holder. Mike Holder, surprisingly not the bucket pool that works customer service for AT&T. Clothes? I've worked sales for AT&T. I've worked sales for AT&T. I swear to God, this is my last job. Wow. I swear to God. Wow. Spot on. Unbelievable. AT&T, HR has a lot of work to do when this episode comes out. This guy's gone. This guy's getting a promotion. Mike Holder, how long have you been working for AT&T? Less than a year. Okay, how do you like it? Did they treat you well? Yeah, thank God. Wow. Look at this. Isn't that amazing? This is like actual their service. You find out someone's got AT&T, one person aids it, the other person loves it. It works for me. I'm in sales, not in customer service. Oh, okay. So you're the one selling the shitty devices that poor Sean has to defend and fix for everybody. You got me. Amazing. How long, uh, what do you, how long have you been on stand up, Mike? Three years, three and a half years. All of it here in Austin, Texas? No, I started in Arizona. Arizona. Two and a half years in Arizona. No, I'm from Sudan. I'm not American. Sudan? Oh my goodness. How long have you been in America? Uh, a little over five years. A little over five years. Coming up in six years. Yeah. And you were born and raised in Sudan? What are we raised in Saudi Arabia between there and Sudan? Saudi Arabia. Most of my life in Sudan, yeah. Okay. Wow. Look at that. All right. So tell us about your times in Sudan and Saudi Arabia. Oh, normal, I guess, from our standards. Okay. When you say normal, what do you mean exactly? I mean, it's a hard life. There's a war-torn country now in Sudan, but... Can you tell us more about that? There's a lot of Americans that have no idea where Sudan is on a map. North Africa. Fun fact about Sudan, we've got more pyramids than Egypt. You have what? More pyramids than Egypt. Okay. Odd fact, but I guess that's the only thing that's good about it. All right. It's a messed up country, unfortunately. It's North Africa, war-torn because of political, and we are cursed with resources. Like what? Oil, gold. Oh, red man. Oh, my God. How dare you do that? No, don't play the fly noise. That's not one of their many resources. Were there a lot of flies where you were? No. No? Okay. All right. Perfect. You have a girlfriend, Mike? Nope. Single. Single. What type of girl are you into? What are you looking for? I don't know. I just know it when I see it, to be honest. I noticed when I asked that you went like that with your hand. I said, though, like something a little bit over the bigger side. Maybe a Trump supporter. No, no. Maybe a Trump supporter. No. Okay. You just have no particular type? No, to be honest. I don't know. You don't know? Okay. European, maybe. European? Are you just saying a... No! That's the same thing. First thing I get to mind. Have you never thought of this before? I don't think about it. I just don't know how to see it. I don't know what to say. Your last girlfriend, what did she look like? British. British. She looked British. No, she was. Which means she probably... I checked the dental records. She's British. Right. Got it. What else are you into, Mike? You seem like a guy that has some interesting hobbies. Do you have any special skills or talents other than... I play soccer. I guess that's a special talent in America. Uh-huh. Not really. That's more exciting. He's on the sign. He's what? He's on the sign. His opening joke. He's the kind... He didn't listen. You know, I feel really bad for a trip late. You can't make a trip late. You can't make a trip late. You can't make a trip late. You can't make a trip late. You can't make a trip late. You didn't listen. You know, I feel really bad for a trip late. You can't see my fucking hair the whole time. He can't see a damn thing. It's very easy to see through your hair. I'm trying to look bad. I don't know if you know what you're doing on the back. It's like a perfect window. It's like a light mist. If I may say I never would have expected to see a trip late. I had a veal. We're always together. What do you... Yeah. We're always... I love it. Mike, what's the most interesting thing about your life? You've lived in Sudan, Saudi Arabia. I mean, you got to tell us something. You must have seen some crazy stuff or something, right? I've seen some crazy unfortunate stuff in Sudan, but honestly, I'm just blessed to have traveled the world. You're just blessed. You just completely skipped the question that I just asked on a live professional show. It was well executed. The question... Make some shit up, dude. I don't know how to make shit up. I don't know how to make shit up. I don't know how to make shit up. Mike, you must have seen something interesting that Americans could never fathom in Sudan or Saudi Arabia. Nothing at all? All right. Come on, man. Come on. I'm trying. I don't know. Nothing? You don't have an answer to that question. Sad stories in Sudan about waiting for fuel for a whole day. I don't tell you sad stories. Waiting for fuel? Waiting a life of fuel. Waiting a life of bread. We've all waited in line. I had a long line at the chevre on the other day. That's a big deal. I've been through that. I waited like 10 minutes. Is that what it was like? There was a car. There was some lady parked the wrong way at the pump. No, so the pump was working. You actually had gas, so you're blessed. All right, Mike. One of the most depressing bucket pools in the history of the show. But fun times, you did it. You got up. Here's a little joke book. Congratulations, Mike Holder, everyone. We're flying through it tonight, everybody. Tonight, hey, Tony. Yes. Can I do it? Only because last time I was on the show, people say, how did you have a prop for everything? You have a Sudan Saudi Arabia super prop? No, I wish I did. But everyone talked about working for phone companies. So I've got a phone one. This is good. Oh, it got quiet. No, you like it. This is a cell phone case so your girlfriend or wife can't get into it when you go to bed at night. Now, it was a Trump joke because he can't tweet, right? Stop tweeting. But it's better just that generic guys can't... It's all fucking cracked and broke. Thank you, American Airlines. Just as a warning to you down here, like, take my advice, do not look directly into the box. You can open it up again. Just glanced in that thing, I fucking regret it. So... I've made that mistake before. It is very frightening over there. There's that fright. And there's some weird shit in here. There's a lot of... There's a lot of... A lot of... a lot of boofable objects and that treasure chest. No, there's some good ones. There's some good ones. We're gonna keep moving along here. Maybe we'll get more out of Carrot Top's treasure chest in a bit. Your next comedian doing an uninterrupted minute goes by the name of Matt Rivera, everybody. Here we go. Matt Rivera. My grandpa just had a kid? Yeah, it's actually pretty fucked up. I don't think that old people should have kids after a certain point. I think it's inconsiderate to the rest of your family. You know? It really screws up your family tree. Like, why the fuck do I have a two-year-old uncle? It used to be, you respect your uncle. Now it's, don't drop your uncle. Also, he's not that different from a regular uncle. You know, very handsy. He refuses to put down the bottle. And he sucks on my fingers too long. Thank you. Matt Rivera. Rock solid minute. Welcome. Thank you. Happy to be here. You been on this show before? Yeah, I've been on twice. Okay. Remind us, what happened those last times you were on? What were the highlights or lowlights? So the first time I got pulled was the day before election day. And I'm Puerto Rican. Ah. Now, there was, somehow there were like five Puerto Rican people, and I was like, somehow there were like five Puerto Ricans pulled that episode. There was an anomaly showing how great God's sense of humor is. Mathem, made no mathematical sense whatsoever. So you were one of those, I remember that. It was, yeah. That was a big deal at the time. Turns out you guys love to vote for the correct candidate. Did you vote? We have a sense of humor, yeah, I did. Good job. Matt, what do you do for work? I still work at an NADC burger. Oh, nice. Hell yeah, one of the best burgers in the city, no doubt about it. Yeah, pretty solid. You're a chef? Oh yeah, I make burgers and fries and whatnot. Hell yeah. And they're very strategic about how they make a burger. No adjustments allowed. No, yep, they're just like, this is how it is, either take it or fuck off. That's kind of, that's kind of our thing. That's amazing. So what else is going on in life? What have you been doing for fun? Um, I have been just so rapidly producing shows, honestly. I'm like, way too invested in comedy. I produce shows every single day. Wow, like stand-up shows. Stand-up comedy, every single day. I'm just doing it all around town, putting them on, fucking people. I love it, yeah. All right, that's fun. But to get away from it all, a non-stand-up thing, what do you do? I like to do random shit that I wouldn't normally do, like go swimming. Wow, look at that. That is, that is, I guess, random. Where exactly are you swimming at? Uh, bar and springs, usually on the free side. All right. That makes sense. Anything fun ever happened when you're out there swimming? Well, the thing about the free side, it's very slippery and there's a lot of pointy rocks. Keep going. So, you're essentially paying for the experience of not slipping and bleeding in the water. And I have diabetes, so it takes a little longer for me to heal. How'd you get diabetes? What was your snack of choice? So, I got diagnosed when I was 14 years old. Keep with the fun music. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, I was diagnosed at 14. I was eating those hostess donuts and it's type one though. It's not like the fat kind. I'm working on it. Okay, so how did you find out you were eating the hostess donuts and what, you passed out or something? No, I just kept peeing a lot. Then we went to Disney World the next week. And we tested my blood sugar and it was super high. Wow. You tested it at Disney? Yeah, well, you went to the happiest place on earth to get your diabetes test. That's a goofy decision. I didn't go there. It wasn't my intention. It just like happened. Hi, blood sugar. Come on, move the foot. Yeah, you're gonna lose a foot. Whoa. Whoa. Oh no. You're gonna have this for the rest of your life. How did they break the news to you? Was it like that? Was it at Disney World? Was it like at the end of a ride or something? Did they take a picture like you're like at the top of the, when the roller coaster goes down, you're like, no. I love you. Why Disney? I still don't get the Disney part. Tony, you're acting like I chose that. No, this is perfect. Your parents have a great sense of humor. Let's take them to Disney. It'll soften the blow. I know he's got it. I just wonder how the fuck does that even happen when you go to Disney? How do you find out that you have diabetes? Like what is the situation that takes place where people ask you the next day, how is Disney? Clocking, I got diabetes. I mean, have you seen what they serve for food and drinks at Disney? Yeah, but it doesn't come with like an alarm when you eat it. It's a vote, you just got diabetes. Like how did that come about? Well, my mom is also diabetic, so she kind of knew what to expect. That's what happened. So you guys have a new diet plan? What changed? Let me ask you this. They don't go to fucking Disney anymore. That's for sure. They don't want to get double diabetes. I got a prop. Hold on. Parrot Top's got something. No, it's great. I got to stand up for this one. Oh, here we go. By the way, these legs don't come like that. You got to work them. Wow. You know it's bad when Red Band goes, ew. They got that flight noise again? It's a towel when you go to Disney. So you can walk around the pool and say, hey, what's going on here? Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Ah, fuck. I don't know why I did that one, but... That was perfect. It seemed like the thing to do. You know that picture is going to be on the internet of me sitting there looking at Parrot Top's shit hanging out of his towel. Are you wearing a skirt? No, it's shorts. They're sh-sh-sh-shorts. No, they're shorts. No, it's not a skirt. Of all the shit right here, that's what you picked up? Yeah, yeah. That's fucked. No, it's your shorts. They come in men's, I didn't get them, but they, uh... So the diabetes thingy... Yeah, awful. Is that what that little thing is on your belly there? Is that what I'm seeing? Is that a little diabetes plug hole? Oh, yeah, it is. Look at that. Yeah, that's a dex card. It's Bert Kreischer, everybody. I love that. That's incredible. Absolutely amazing. So what do you do with that? You just take that and pop the cap off and like pour cans of Coca-Cola in there or something? No, so it's a glucose monitor. The other day I actually... I went into a bar and I got frisked and somebody thought I was wearing a wire. Oh, yeah. What a terrible way to die. You don't have to put it there, right? Like, I've seen it on people's arms and stuff. Yeah, but the thing about the arms is that if I'm changing my shirt, it'll snag and rip off and they're really expensive to replace. So I put it here where there's the least amount of activity. That's good. That's good. That was great. Amazing. Amazing, Matt. Well, fun times. You got up again. Congratulations. You already have a big joke book? I do. I love that view on The Secret Show Thursday, Matt. There you go. Matt Rivera just put the real spot on a real show. Boom. Amazing. There goes Matt. All right. Let's get another bucket pull-up here. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the one and only. This looks like a first-time name if I've ever seen one. It's Spencer Eskridge. Spencer Eskridge. Spencer Eskridge. Spencer Eskridge. Spencer Eskridge. Spencer Eskridge. Spencer Eskridge. Spencer Eskridge. Spencer Eskridge. Spencer Eskridge. Spencer Eskridge. Hi, I'm Spencer. Yes, sir. Spencer. If I was born a girl though, my mom said she was going to name me Shay Lynn. Whatever. My mom's name is Shayna Laurie. Her aunt's name is Shayna Carroll. So my first cousin, Shy Ann, has two belligerently insane aunt Shaynas. So Shayna Lorraine, right there in the middle, just so anal retentive. Can't spell Shayna Lorraine without A-N-A-L right there in the middle. But last time I took 250 milligrams of sunshine LSD, it was COVID. I was dating a bad alcoholic and I put on a long skirt and let my fucking hair down. And there she was, Shay Lynn. I watched Gone With The Wind for four and a half hours and just fucking cried my eyes out. Being a woman is very gay. That poor, poor Shay Lynn though, bless her fucking heart. Okay, you just stop right there. All right. Wow. How long you been doing stand-up, Spencer? Couple years on and off mostly in North Houston. Okay. All right. How long have you been the world's best fed pirate? I did the same thing when you walked out. I'm glad you called it pirate. Everybody's like, hey, you walk like Jesus. I say I'm going for a fucking pirate nonprofit. Somebody told you you look like Jesus? I had a dude ask- D-Manus, what did I tell you about talking to people before you feel them completely? Nobody in the world thinks you look like Jesus unless they're true atheists. That'll cause you to not believe in religion. If Jesus came back and he's like, hey, it's me, I swear, I'm Spencer Eskridge. People would be burning their Bibles in the streets. I can't believe I bought into that bullshit for so long. Triple H, this must be excited for you to see all the world's worst WWE superstars mashed into one character. This looks like something that fucking Mick Foley would have living in a dog house in his backyard. Man, rubber bands in your beard. I had one earlier and it busted and then somebody next to me was like, hey, I have a whole other little bag of rubber bands. I said, wow, if that's not ordained by God himself. And then that one broke too. So here we are. I think the rubber bands are jumping. I've got one. Oh. All right. Oh, nice. Spencer, tell us about your life. What exactly do you do for a living looking like that? I manage a brewery a little east of Bastrop. I got nominated for Best Bartender in Bastrop County. I'm still waiting on the results. Wow. When do you find out the results? I feel like you're going to get your results when you go to Disney World. Fuck this. They said, they said November and I'm like, that's quite a ways away. It's online. Don't we have the capacity to tally that in the moment? Are they voting? Yeah, it was online. I had people from other places just use the zip code for our county. But hey, they still voted for me. What do you think makes you the best bartender in Bastrop? I won't shut up. Oh, okay. That's the worst. Trauma dumping, jokes about beer names. It's relentless. Jokes about beer names? Basically the people there hoping they vote for him, he gets a better job someplace else. Yeah, exactly. Maybe like AT&T or something. Right, yeah. Yes. So when you're doing this bartending, what's the craziest thing that has ever happened inside of one of your bars? I found out, like one of my regulars was slapped by the mayor of my town, I bartend in. It's Smithville. Okay. Just East of Bastrop. They film like a lot of movies there and like they won't put in a Walmart or anything. They keep it small in Texas like picturesque because Hope floats was fucking filmed there and they have a real acclamation to that movie, but it's senseless. There's been Brad Pitt movies filmed there. I can't quite figure you out. You don't sound like or talk like what you look like. You've had five therapists? Yeah, two of them tried to fuck me. Wow, tell us about that. They told you to lay down on a couch and you think they're trying to fuck you? No dude. It was, it was, it was therapists. He thinks they're doing SNM when they try to put a straight jacket on them. Let me just say if somebody says fuck you, that doesn't mean they're trying to. No fuck. Tell us about these therapists trying to fuck you because I don't believe it. I need therapy. I'll tell you. I need therapy. I was just talking about, I got caught with like nine grams of mushrooms in 2014 in Houston and they're like, hey, you want a second degree felony? I said no. They're like cool, pee in the cup for two years. Did a deferred adjudication. It's not all my shit. But I had to have state sanctioned therapy. The first lady Denise, I just cracked the egg a little and that bitch was like I'm retiring. And so I got, I got bounced between two young women. 23-24. I'm gonna say their fucking names. Amanda and Karina. No, no, no, no. Oh no. They already lost their licenses. No, it's okay. Just tell us what they did. No one cares about their names. I'm real thick headed. I don't know when people are flirting with me. But they made it very apparent. Like now. Because, well when Denise was like, I'm retiring, they're like, oh, we'll double team you and pass you back and forth for individual sessions. And then I just be sitting on their couch and they're like, so how long have you been single? They're asking you about your life. No. Yes. They got, holy shit. This is incredible. You think your therapists are trying to fuck you because they're asking you questions like a girl would if you're on a date? Yeah, fuck, right? In a different way than you would. This is fucking amazing. As stupid as I am, I could tell something was weird. And I knew what was weird when they didn't show up to work one day. And then we found out they've both been fucking a 17 year old in the program. One of the ladies is engaged to a sheriff. And they just stopped coming to the fucking counseling center. And then the kid who was considered a victim of the system was getting them cocaine and all this shit. We need names. No, no, no, no. Don't name any names. Right now. We have to bleep it out. Fuck. No, don't do it. Jesus. Don't do it, Spencer. Don't do it. So everybody at court, when you get released from the program, you get a second to turn around and say something to the grand audience about your experience. And everybody's like, what the fuck is he going to say? He's been advised not to say shit. And then he walks up in front of everybody and goes, well, it's been fun. Walked out of the courtroom, a fucking legend. He told me, he was way too cool with me. He's like, you know they were trying to like, menage the twa, quat, whatever the fuck that shit is. Me, you, I'm like, this is weird. Just go. I don't need to know that. I'm already peace shy. I'm already having a time with this shit as it is. So you never had sex with any of the therapists, the female therapist. You could have just left it at, you have never had sex. Do you have an act of sex life? I have two kids. Oh my God. How old are your kids? So my daughter just turned two and my son just turned one on the sixth. How often are you around these children? Sundays through Wednesdays. Much as the law allows. They're funny, dude. I don't know how I got lucky the way I got lucky. That is incredible. How are they funny? Before like my daughter could talk, like she's she tried to fuck you. One time she looked at me and she was all like, da, da. And I'm like, oh no, you don't. Oh no. Oh no. Oh, here it is. Manageable. She's crying to me. I want to go to bed. Hey, stop trying to fuck me. You're my little girl, don't do that, dude. Everyone's trying to fuck me, dude. The police got behind me, they're like, pull over. I'm like, not with mine, you know. Stop trying to fuck me, officer. This one lady made me pee in a cup. What's she doing with that urine? So you peed in a cup for a couple years and you ended up getting off of everything? You look like you peed in a mason jar for a couple years. They're airtight. You collect things, what are your hobbies? Witchcraft, I don't know. Really? What's the craziest witchcraft thing you've ever tried? I don't know, I gave a poem reading and a tarot reading and Shakespeare's just now, for fun, what fun? Do you even know what you're doing? Yeah. Does anyone? Okay. Yes, they do. Clearly you don't believe in your therapist. But there are some pros out there. Fun time, Spencer. You're a very interesting character. Congratulations. Thanks, Doug. Go raise those kids. There he goes. Spencer Estridge. Wow. Your compelling characters come out of the bucket. Your next comedian is one of those people that we found out of the bucket a long time ago. We've watched him grow for years. A very, very compelling character. A fan, or a fan favorite. Make some noise for the return of the one and only Uncle Laser. It's a show. As you all know, it was in a Western about a year ago. It's going to release a couple of weeks. It had to rip in it. And there's really not an acting class for re... Like, anybody ever re... anybody before? Exactly. Well... But they paid me 10 grand, so there I am on set, getting ready to re... And, uh... And, uh... I don't think you just go up to someone and go, Hey, I'm gonna re... you know, uh... I feel like you gotta rough them up a little bit. So off in the meat. And I was working with this little French actress. Fuck the French, you know. And I'm asking her between sets, I'm like, hey, am I hitting you hard or anything? I could be doing better. And she smoked a little cigarette. How long you been acting? I said about six hours. She said, well, we're acting, so act. When the director called action for the next take, I clotheslined that bitch into hell. I said, I'm not a f***ing boyfriend, is my name's Uncle Leshy, I've been great. Alright, Uncle Leshy. Very, very interesting set. Is that true? What, the f***ing part? Yeah, unfortunately. So that was your scene in the movie? Yeah. Uh, I mean, I get... I die before I get to finish. I wish it, but... I was still hard the whole time. Uncle Leshy. I ran up the stairs, I got heartburn. How do you feel, buddy? You good? Yeah, well, I'm good. No one knows what you're talking about, so you want to explain to the people what you mean by you ran up the stairs? What? I didn't know that I was next, and so I had to... I was still there anyways. We're good. You're handling it like a real pro. Absolutely perfect. So what else is going on, Uncle Leshy? A very, very f***ing heavy set. We might actually have to kind of do the new YouTube regulation. Wait, can I do a prop? I have a prop. Really? Yeah, I have a prop. It turns out if you say the word f*** twice in two minutes, like, it just... I knew I should have said f***ing great. I knew it. Yeah, it's a thing. You want to take it from the top? No. I'm kidding, I know. I'm out of breath. The carrot top's got something wrong with it. I have a prop. I don't know if it's f*** related. Oh, okay. It's a purse when women have a restraining order against a guy. You can tell exactly how far to f***ing say, like... You know how many feet... How many feet is it? Yeah, exactly. I have a lot of free time. This is literally amazing. This is amazing. I can't believe how much you get paid to make these carrot tops. Like, I always thought that you'd have, like, this state of the art stuff. Who else has a purse with a tape measure in it? Nobody. And then as I've gotten closer to carrot top, I realize he's just f***ing super gluing two things. He's managed to make $50 million, just going, Let's put it together. Well, wait a minute. So if you like coffee and people drink coffee and they like writing things, look at this. It's a Sharpie with a coffee mug. If you make a sip, you get right at that, it's amazing. No, they gotta make sense. That's f***ing look. There's a lot of people that like smoking cigarettes and also knowing what the temperature is, I took out their mom-meter and I put it on a pack of cigarettes. You get out of the cigarette and you can look at the temperature at the same time. He's cool. It's gonna be doing it big as the next week. Oh, it's... I'm in the mood for a cigarette. Oh, it's 73 degrees. Perfect. Absolutely amazing. No, but you get f***ed. Oh, man. There's more to it than that. Here's one. No, just because you're being a f***head. So, Jesus. So people like... People like toilet paper over the roll. Some people like it under, right? So, see, this is clever, f***er. So if you want it under, it goes under, and if you want it over, you flip it. Wow. That's not a f***ing cigarette with a temperature. That's amazing. I'm gonna leave all this here when I'm done, by the way. It's just a loose toilet paper roll. I mean... It takes a little... You're right. You're right. Some are different. Some are different. It's one of the few useful things in the box. Yeah. There's some... That was your funny, by the way. Yeah. I started to cut you off with all my stupid shit. No, I... Yeah. We'll go through. You wipe back to front or front to back? I have people wipe me. I don't know what... Yeah. That's right. Yeah. And one day, if you connected enough objects together, you'll have somebody to wipe your ass with. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, Laser, when does this movie come out? In October. It's a series, like a six-part series. Okay. I'm only in that one episode for f***ing Alright. There you go. Hit it again. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Alright. There you go. Hit it again. We're going to have to beep through. We can beep. You can beep it. So, just don't say it anymore. It comes out in October. What's it called? An outlaw named Bob. An outlaw named Bob? Sounds... Yeah. Sounds made up. I know. And they want to meet him, you know. Better than f***ing fest, you know? Oh, there it is again. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Everybody's coming. I'm not connected to it. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Uncle Laser, what else is going on in your real life? You're here. Carrot top, triple H. I gave you a little heads up because you're an old pal. I warned you a few days ago. You might want to be there on Monday. And I told you who's coming. And of course, like a real f***ing... Well, I'm playing these out. Boy, Mark, super fan. You wore your DX shirt. Dust it it off. It's all up. Listen, I'm actually playing my outfits out in advance. So this was... Okay. All right, I did wear it. I did wear it with the toe. All right. Big fan. Almost wore my leather jacket, too, dude. Yeah. Is there anything you want to say to the man himself? Two-time Hall of Famer, ESPN, and WWE fully connected coming together. Two iconic brands. Yeah. Wrestle Palooza, September 20th. John Cena versus Brock Lesnar. Epic stuff all created by the mastermind himself. Triple H. Is there anything you want to say to him? Yes, actually. No. No, seriously, though. I'm trying to... You ever just miss it? You miss just hitting somebody over the head with a steel chair? Or maybe a sludge hammer's your... choice of weapon. It's all about the game and how you play it. That was beautiful. Uncle ladies. That was good. A true fan. We've been talking wrestling and comedy for a long time now. Many a daytime... Can I ask a real question, though, Tim? Did you like being in the faction DX more than the solo stuff, or did you have more fun with that? What was your favorite part of your historic career? That was when I had the most fun. I created freedom. DX is the crazy shit. The heel stuff for me was always where I wanted to be in my career. But if you're just saying that it was a crazy time, DX was just... We all rolled up in that goddamn tank. Come on, man. It was just us thinking about what dumb shit can we do this week. Yeah. And Vince just letting you all fly with it at that time. At first, no, and then once it started working... Yeah, once it started working, we had to do what you want to do thing, but at first it was... we were threatened to get fired every week. I'm sure you get it. It deals with the exact same thing. Trust me. It did not work at first for him either. It's been a common theme coming out here tonight, I feel like. Oh, yeah. Well, Uncle Laser, you did it. You got up again. Congratulations. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, guys. To the bucket we go. Bowser is back. Bowser! Everyone, calm down. The Super Mario Brothers can take care of the kingdom. Let's go. On April 1st... Toad, pack our things. The galaxy... is waiting. Who is this? So some cool dinosaur just shows up and he's now part of the group. Cool. The Super Mario Galaxy Movie. Only in cinemas April 1st. We're coming around the corner now. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pool. Ronaldo Mercado, everyone. Here comes Ronaldo. So, guys, I've lived here. I've lived in Austin for about a year now. I haven't been able to fit in yet. I've lived here for a year. Everybody here, they're hot. People look good. They care about diet, exercise. Ugh. That's why I like the rest of Texas. I fit in in the rest of Texas. Here, in Austin, I wear an extra large. I'll admit that this is an extra large t-shirt. I'm a 225. You can see my belly when I put my hands in the air. Fuck you guys. I don't care. Okay? In Austin, this is fat, but in the rest of Texas, I look pretty good, okay? When I go down to San Antonio, I'm petite. Okay? All right? I was here in Austin. I had to ride a Lime Scooter last week. I'm not proud of it, but I did. I had to be somewhere fast and I was on my Lime Scooter. And it's a bad look. You can admit that. The Lime Scooter is a bad look. This... Bing, bing. It's a bad look, but I had to ride one out of necessity. When I was on my Lime Scooter, another dude rode past me on his Lime Scooter. And when he rode past me, he looked me in the eyes and he gave me one of those. Like, it was a fucking jeep thing. Like, we were in a club together. Don't do that, okay? Look, if you give somebody a little wave on a motorcycle, hell's angels. You give them a wave on a Lime Scooter, Charlie's angels. It's a lot different. I think you can have a secret wave on the Lime Scooter. The guy who's on the Lime Scooter can have a wave, but it's got to be this, right here. There you go. All the way to the finish line. Ronaldo Mercado with jokes all the way to the bear. Good job, Ronaldo. How long have you been on stand-up now? I just hit seven years. You were just on very recently, right? Yeah, yeah, a couple of months ago. How's it going? Everything's good? Yeah, everything's great. Actually, I work at the Sunset Strip now. I was a door guy. Nice. Congratulations. Red Band's Club. I must see all entertainment spot, right? Just to block away. How's it been working there? What's it like having Red Band as a boss? Does he fart a lot? He's pretty chill. He kind of comes and goes. You know what I mean? He just kind of comes by, you say, well, I go, hey, Brian, he goes, man, that's just like... That's him. That's right. 12 and a half years of that every Monday with him. I'm like, uh, uh, uh, see you next week. Uh, uh, uh. Ronaldo, what are you doing for fun? Uh, for fun? Here, I've been, uh, I've been trying to go to more shows. Like music shows? Yeah, hardcore shows, stuff like that. I like to ride my bike. I'm a BMX rider. Oh, wow. Look at you. You're a big boy for a BMX rider. I am a bit of a fat fuck. Okay. I will admit that I know him, but I have an app on my phone that's called Rocket Money. Do you guys know about Rocket Money? It's an app to keep track of your finances. It sent me a notification and it said, you're 17% more this week than you normally do. And then they sent me an emoji of a cheeseburger. Yes. Wow. To let me know that I ate so much fast food, it impacted my financial portfolio. Wow. Incredible. What type of fast food are you getting into? What's your favorite nowadays? P. Terry's Rules. Wow. Obviously. That big pop from the crowd for P. Terry's. P. Terry's Rules, yes. My goodness. Yeah. They have In-N-Out. They have In-N-Out here now. It's pretty cool. Yeah. I like that. See your old school, just normal little Burger King, McDonald's, Midwest. For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. I like to, okay, I will I'll ride home. I'll drive late at night, you know, and I'll stop at McDonald's on the way home, and then I'll get a double cheeseburger. I'll get two double cheeseburgers. Uh-oh. And then I eat them before I get home, and then I don't tell my girlfriend about it. Wow. Where do you keep, where on your body do you keep your glucose checkered? Yeah. Not diabetic yet. Amazing. Yeah. Amazing. Don't go to Disney. Yeah, don't go to Disney. It's gonna be a T-shirt by the end of this episode. And don't ever do that on your scooter again. That's a good move. Thanks. Uh, Ronaldo, what's your love life like? You have a girlfriend? Yeah, yeah, I've been in a relationship. We've been together for nine years now. Wow, nine years. What does she do? She actually, she works box office here at the club. She just started working here. Wow, at the mothership. Incredible. Look at that. Looks like you're gonna be getting more P-terries, though. Yeah, we, uh, we've been together nine years. We don't really wear condoms or anything like that, so I'm fucking... Nine years? Thank you. Nine years, never worn a condom, never had a pregnancy scare. I mean, I fucking... Do I rule or what? I kind of kill it at pulling out. That's amazing. Yeah. I have fun with the pull-up, you know? Yeah? I pull out, I comb it her belly button, I call it the kiddie pool, I splash her out in there. A little bit, you know? I give my little, my little P-terry in there, and I just, like, splash around in the, in the front lawn. You're a funny guy, Ronaldo. You wanna... Ronaldo, I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. You get to perform at the club that you work at. You get to perform at the club that you work at. Ronaldo Mercado. Both on The Secret Show. We're flying through it now. Make some noise for your next bucket pull. It's Aaron Silverstein. This looks like a new name. We love new names around here. Aaron Silverstein is next. Heck yeah, here he is. Come on, make some noise for Aaron, everybody. Okay, my pants are wet. You got your, your outdoor bugs. And you've got your indoor bugs. You've got bugs. I've got bugs. In other words, I've got bugs. But it's the cheapest rent you can get. You know, in Austin. You're looking through the pages. You know, I'm trying to get the cheapest rent I can get. Bugs. Fucking carrot tops here. Oh no, no. I'm into it. Who would have thought dreams can come true? All right, Aaron Silverstein. I'm going to go get my pants. I'm going to get my pants. I'm going to get my pants. All right, Aaron Silverstein. Unbelievable. Normally Silversteins are much better at show business than whatever that is. I know, it's like they say, they say that we're the chosen people. Uh huh. Well, there you go. Aaron, how you doing buddy? You okay? Yeah, I'm doing great. How long you been doing stand-up? Not long. I fucking hope not. Two hours. You started? Yeah, you decided that you wanted to... Let me guess. You decided you wanted to get out of the corporate world forever. You were sick of putting on a suit and tie every day. I wish. Okay, tell us about your life. How did you end up like this? Oh God. It's a long story. It's a long story. I've been around. Okay, I mean, starting it anywhere, Aaron. If the interview is as bad as the set, this isn't going to last much longer, Aaron. How about you, sweet mother of God? Uh, Colorado, actually. Oh, that explains it all. Okay, perfect. What do you do for work? I was a cannabis grower for a little while. Really? Did you smoke some of it? I did. You did? I did. How much exactly do you have to smoke before you just keep saying the word bugs over and over again? Without any real set up or pointer? Aaron? Are you okay? What's going on, buddy? This is very surreal. What are you on right now? Did you drink before this? They called it a Jeffrey. What? They called it a Jeffrey. Who's they? Aaron, over here. Over here. Who's they? What are you talking about? Just new friends. Okay. I've never felt safer, by the way, sitting next to a couple of folks. I know. You got closer to them. I got fucking triple H. I got this. I'm serious. I'm fucking dude. I'm fucking T. I don't think you exactly needed triple H to beat the shit out of Aaron Silverstein. Aaron Silverstein. I'm pretty sure you could kick him through that fucking prick wall over there. Fucking carrot top, man. Yeah. Alright. Unbelievable. Okay, Aaron. The most interesting thing about your life and your entire history, the craziest fun fact about Aaron Silverstein that we would find interesting on a big live show, now would be the time to say it into the tip of that red microphone. I was a, uh, methed out superhero for a little while. Explain to us what you mean by that. This is an important part of the story. Explain to us what you mean when you say you were a methed up superhero. Well, I mean, it's a long story. Well, why don't you make it a short story? Alright, well... No, I mean, I just had a whole, I had a whole fucking thing. I was like, I was the circuit. That was your superhero name? The circuit? The circuit. Okay, and what did the circuit do? For a walk. A lot of drugs is what it did. Yeah, it also did. A lot of fucking drugs. You don't seem like a big methed type. I seem like a businessman, I guess, apparently. Well, it seems like... Somebody said, did you say, yeah, do you know what your fucking face looks like? Do you only do drugs off of mirrors? Do you ever look at them? Alright, Aaron. You're alright. You've got that in mind. Yeah, you're, yeah, well... I love it. Here's a little joke book. Hey, thanks, man. Boom. There he goes. That's Aaron Silverstein, everybody. Wow, one of the oddest characters. I mean, you look like you would have been hilarious, by the way. Bucks, come on. There you go. Aaron Silverstein. Go the way you came. He spent all his time on the professional Mike Griff. Yeah. But none on the jokes, yes. Yeah, not at all. I gotta do one, because it's too good. Not the last guy. Uh-huh. That was just the other guy that said he came in his belly. Okay, carrot top one back. It's the P.A. Herman doll. Look at that. Oh, that's amazing. That's amazing. That's amazing. It's a P.A. Herman doll that should come out of it. Don't spray me madness with that. Don't shoot dareshoot P.A. No, I'm not gonna do that. I'd know better than that. No! No! Here, I thought he was just attaching two things to one another. And it's orange. It's orange. I did not plan that. I love that. Sorry. For everything. He's such a good sport. All right. Wow. How do you top that? The P.A. Herman coming doll. I mean, we're gonna have to find out. I got another bucket pull here, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Cameron May, everybody. It's Cameron May. Yes, hello. I had a polyamorous mom when I was a child. And sometimes when I tell people that, they get very sad. Which I don't understand. Because to me, your childhood is just your childhood, you know? I didn't really know mine was that different from anyone else's until I reflected on the number of stepdads. And I love my stepdads because they taught me that it really does take a village. To make my mom come. Yes. You guys ever walk in on your parents' wrestling and it's the Royal Rumble match? That's a bit different. Sometimes when you like, you tell people stuff like that about yourself, they get curious, they want to know if you think it affected your sexuality today. I don't think so, because I'm in a long-term, monogamous relationship with my bidet. We're going pretty strong. But I definitely, I think it affected my sexuality like when I was growing up, you know, because trying to jerk off with more than two parents. It's like trying to assassinate the president today. Because like realistically speaking, there's no way they didn't see me on that roof. Cameron, my point. Talking about his poly mom. There it is. That's the look. I said to triple H during it. After your Royal Rumble joke, I go, the funny thing is I don't even think he's seen you yet. That was great. His reaction was priceless. The guy that actually controls the Royal Rumble. Yeah, that was a great one. I'll call your mom. Enter number one. It's amazing. It's amazing. Everyone from your childhood. We have triple H here in the monster that's been hiding under your bed. Cameron, my... How old are you, Cameron? I'm a 22 year old open mic comedian. Well, we know that. We knew the last part. 22 years old. You got a job? Yeah, yeah. You know, this is actually interesting. I work at Elon Musk's Neuroling. I work for their biggest competitor. It's called Paradromics. I'm a manufacturer. I help manufacture brain-computer interface. Wow. Incredible. The story of a young supervillain. Stay away from the math, or else you'll end up saying bugs over and over again. Unbelievable. Do you have one? Do I have what? First of all, it's not meant for me. The technology is way behind on that. But also, I would never get one even if it was for that. Okay, wow. I see you don't work on the marketing team. Incredible. You know how people that make Twitter don't let their kids use Twitter? I don't know about that. Okay, well, never mind then. Cameron, you're 22 years old. Tell us what you do for fun. I'm a 22-year-old. I'm doing it for fun nowadays. Oh, man. I know. There it is. Sorry again. They're having a good old time. They're in the splash zone. They got spit on by triple H an hour ago. They've been having the time of their lives ever since. Covered in... Exercise, video games. I'm pretty simple. It's mostly stand-up. I'm trying to commit myself to stand-up a lot. How long have you been doing it already? About four years. That's a great start. Not much can stop someone that started that young and works at it as hard as you. You must have some hobbies, though, when you want to let loose a little bit. Do you have a girlfriend or something? I do have a girlfriend. Oh, wow. Now we don't believe you. That sounds suspicious when you say it. Well, I do. I do sometimes. Yeah, I can tell. I love her very much. It's a hostage situation over here. I have a girlfriend. I love her. She's the best. What has she yelled at you about in the past? What have you done that made her upset? Just be mean. Do her friends. She has annoying friends. She has annoying friends that have never had a man talk to them like they're not trying to fuck them. Right. I have those hot friends and I'm just treating them like they're regular people and they're like, why is he a dick? Oh, that's hilarious. I love this. This sounds like pure honesty. The crowd is responding. This is fucking real! This is real! Yeah. That's great. That's not amazing. That's great. Amazing. I love it. And the girlfriend, what does she do? She's an editor for a lot of podcasts and stuff like that. No. She's a sniper. She's gonna fucking take him out after this. This is just a video editor. Amazing. And you live here in Austin? Yeah, of course. Okay. And that's it. So working for this brain thing, what exactly do you do there? I manufacture the parts. It's hard to describe because I sign an NDA and I don't know what I can say. You probably can't say any of it then. Perfect. We're gonna save your job right now for you. Thank you. Seriously, thank you. But we're doing great. Let's talk a little bit more about your slut mother. Okay. I had one of these two growing up. She gets it. She can laugh about it. Does she have a good sense of humor? The joke that I just told, that's her favorite joke. Perfect. So, you know, was there a lot of noises coming from the picture when you were a kid? So, I've never heard my parents fuck ever, actually. I've only... The most parents I've ever had in the father figures, I had two step-dads at the same time. They lived together. The way my mom described it to me, it wasn't like she was just trying to fuck a bunch of people. It was more like she just was able to fall in love with two people at the same time. Right. She had open heart. Yeah. And legs. That's what it is. Yeah. I love that. I just love... You know. That's great. I love it. Fucking great. So, you had two step-dads at the same time. Was there ever like a competition? Did you have a favorite? Uh... Alright, that's kind of rude, Ted. Uh... No, I think I've managed to... You got an NDA on that, too. I think I like my sister's dad more only because I lived with him longer. Right. Yeah. What were the differences? One was a white guy from America. Uh-huh. One was a white guy from New Zealand. Okay, the suspense is killing us. Why you keep saying white guys? When are we getting to the good shit? One was an African prince from Nigeria. They were just all white guys the whole time? All honkies. Wow. Built that up. Yeah, you really did. You built it up like you were getting somewhere good. Like one of them was just going to be a straight-up fucking. Alright. Okay. I wasn't even about to say that and I got nervous. Tony, Jesus Christ. Cameron... Cameron, my. Yeah. So, you know, is your mom still with multiple boyfriends? No, she's pretty monogamous now. That's what happens to polyamorous people. They start very open and loving. They're like, oh, I want to fuck everybody. And then they get on the other side. And they're like, oh, fuck everybody. That's true. Once you get old and your options dry up, you're going back to one at a time. You can't stay poly forever. That's a thing. Sexuality growing up? Your perception of love? Um, no. I still, I'm still a monogamous guy. I definitely have the man instinct in me. Like, I can feel when I see a hot chick and I'm like, oh, if I was a piece of shit, I'd cheat on my girlfriend. Well, I was... You almost made it out of this without getting in real trouble with your girlfriend. That was the moment. You better tell her how much you love her again. Look at that camera right there. You're so big on camera one. Baby, I love you so much. There you go. Cameron, you have a big joke book? Yeah. All right, there you go. You got it. He's already got one. Cameron, my. We're flying through it. All right. This definitely looks like a new name. Make some noise for your next comedian. Doc Ferry. Doc Ferry. What a name. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, God. Yeah. Feel like everybody looking at me right now knows exactly who I voted for. I like to ride all women in the bedroom. Not very fond of women right now. Me and my wife were arguing in the car. She said, I wish you were nicer. I said, bitch, I wish you were Asian. I don't... I don't think you're the one of us that's going to win this one. She said, I wish you would talk to me the way you want to be talked to. I said, oh, you want me to talk to you recordees? How about a broad job? How about a broad job? How about a broad job? How about a broad job? We ain't married anymore. How about a broad job? Not very fond of women. But I still have a fantasy. It's pretty easy. I want to date a black chick from the year 1868. Now, hear me out. Hear me out. It'll all make sense. I know what you all are thinking, that whole thing. But let me educate you. Slavery officially ended in the year 1865. The only reason I wanted one from 68, because I heard them bitches was off the chain, and that sounded like fun to me. Thank you. My name's Doc. Wow. Doc, Barry's first appearance on the show. I've never seen people move out of the way in their lives. Your ass coming out trying to pull the triple-h spit move. Before they were going open mouths, fucking, they were happy when he was doing it. These people were dodging, fucking, bullets over here. Doc, welcome to the show. Thank you. How long have you been on stand-up? Just short of two years, and this is my second time on the show. Two years. Second time on the show, really. What happened your first time? I did all right. Interview went a lot better. Talked about my slut third wife. Okay. Remind us. What happened with your slut third wife? I was working in Afghanistan, and while I was gone, she was back here putting herself on Craigslist personal. Ah. And she was having sex with a whole bunch of guys, usually five to seven at a time. Yeah. Yeah, and... Are you the last comedian's father? Yeah. You never know. You never know. Wow. Okay, so that was about what, a year? About two years ago. Just short of two years. About two years ago, you were on this show. So how's life been going for the last two years? You've been doing stand-up nonstop? I have extreme anxiety, extreme ADHD, so I get out when I can. I have problems getting to the club by myself. What do you mean by that? I'm a recluse. It's very hard for me to get out and meet people. To stand in front of this many people, very comfortable. Back there, dying. That's amazing. Very interesting. Yeah. Very interesting. Tell us more about, like, what's the worst scenario that you've had where you're AD, or whatever you think that is. Whatever you diagnose that as. Yeah. Extreme what? Social anxiety? There's extreme social anxiety that goes with it. If you've ever seen, like, the signs and symptoms, I got all that stupid shit. I don't like people telling me what to do. You know, just weird shit. But it kind of made sense when I look back at my life and say, oh, this is what the fuck is going on. You know, I'm not retarded. I have an issue. Right. Yeah. Okay, so where do you think the solve is? You might be retarded. We don't... I know, my bus only had six rows, but I thought that was because the route was short. So where do you think all this anxiety and stuff comes from? Did something happen to you? Yes, oh yes. I was in the Army for 23 years. I deployed three times with that. After that, I worked in Afghanistan for eight years. I was a personal security medic for the ambassador over there, so that was exciting. Bombs every... like, at least twice a week. But when I was going through the retirement physical, they said, you have PTSD. I said, I do. They said, yep, but it's not from OR. It's from your ex-wives. I got three of them. Wow. Yeah. Three too many. Wow. PTSD. The only thing worse than PTSD? AT&T. Turn it off. The running theme today. Nobody likes it. The theme of the night. Interesting stuff, Doc. How do you make a living? You're just on... Well, I'm retired right now, and I also go to school. I have a couple of mornings. And I got a property with seven air-conditioned units, and I'm tired of paying $1,500 every time one breaks down, so I said, I'm going to school to learn how to do it myself. Hell, yeah. And you're learning. All right. How about for fun? What are you doing other than stand-up for fun? I play beach volleyball a little bit. Really? Yeah. Wow, I would judge you. Do I look that old? You're full of surprises. Really? I do. Yeah, you don't look like a beach volleyball guy. You know, I kind of... You have something for this one? No, I'm thinking of... I don't think I have... No, fuck. I don't know. Let me see. Fuck, I don't think I do. Nope. My props are talking to me. Nothing, honey. How about for a war veteran? Anything for a war veteran? A war veteran? No. My brother's retired military. God bless the military. I don't... I don't think I have anything. Thank you. I have a... You said... Now, don't cut this the wrong way and make me look... right? You fuckers will do this shit. We made a joke about... He said the retarded word. And I'm not going to say it's retarded. It was a bank tube for rednecks that has a gun and a note inside the tube. They would say, give me all your money or shoot yourself. Oh. And send it over. Oh, fuck. You literally stole that from a bank, by the way. No, I did. No, I did. My first... I swear to God... Sorry, I interrupted your beautiful... My first prop I ever did, and this is not a joke, is I stole a neighborhood crime watch. No, my first joke. And I was in my dorm and my friend said, you're going to try to do comedy? I said, you're not funny. I said, I know. But I had this sign and I thought, I was hoping with, right? I said, sorry, I'm late. I was in the neighborhood. And nobody would laugh. And I said, how good is their crime watch if they're not even watching their fucking signs? It takes 20 minutes to get there. And then I started stealing shit. I started going to a bank tube. I started stealing things from the airplane. Look at this one. This is great. I stole this from the airplane. Yeah, yeah. But what's great about this is when you... I forgot my own joke. You get on an airplane and you reach over, you wake him up and say, dude, we're going down. I'm sorry. Thank you for spending up the night. That's amazing. This crowd is amazing. Yeah. Doc, so interesting. Sorry, I fucked up on thing. Are the other comedians nice to you? You're kind of older. You're out there. No one talks to me. And so I'm not getting anything out of, like, doing open mics. I'm getting no feedback. I'm used to sitting in front of crowds, so I don't need it for that. So I actually, on my property, I built a comedy club, and I do all my stand-up and everything in there by myself. And I have to trust that what I do is funny. Really? That's awesome. That is amazing. So I go through my head when I do jokes. I allow myself with the ADHD. I go with it and I daydream. And I daydream about being on stage. I daydream about my favorite comedians doing the same jokes that I'm writing and how they would do it and how they look. And I can even see them do a joke, and it's not funny. It's not funny. That's pretty awesome, though. I do it about myself and it's not funny. Do you live-stream it or anything so you can get some kind of feedback? I am just, I just opened up a business with a partner, and we are going to start doing live-streaming, things like that. So we're really starting to take off this coming month. That's great. You should have the sound effect. Sorry. Which sound effect? With the crowd screaming and you have your club built, right? And it's all mannequins and you have a sound effect. I actually have mannequins in my vlog house. Really? I'm fucking killing. I sold out to them. Yes, I do. Fucking awesome. I love that. No, don't. The last time you were on you just got a little joke book? I got a medium joke book. What's up, buddy? You're moving up to a big joke book. Yeah, you're doing it. Doc Therry, everybody, with his second appearance on the show. Showing some improvement. Great. Let's do a one last bucket pull. Let's knock it out. This looks like a fun name. Make some noise for Jim Telly, everybody. Jim Telly. How y'all doing tonight, good? Good. Fuck yeah. Austin has a lot of crazy homeless people. This is a fact. The story of God, this is what happened to me. I'm pumping gas the other day. This homeless white lady is walking around the parking lot and yelling, He's a nigger. He's a nigger. And then she looks right at me. You're a nigger. And I'm fucking spaz. I'm like, who the fuck you think you're talking to? And then she goes, oh, my bad. I just wanted a cigarette. What? You got Tourette's bitch to fuck with? I bet you're like, what the fuck was that? I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. I love black people. I can't swim neither. Huh? Bitch, if you don't take this new port. I'm serious, man. Speaking of cigarettes, I grew up in Africa and I started smoking cigarettes over there. And y'all know those warning labels on the cigarettes? Right? Yeah, in Africa, that shit's fucking weird. I bought a pack of cigarettes over there. That shit had a picture of flavor-flav on it. I saw that show, that flavor-flav. I didn't know that ugly meant cancer. Nigger. I'm serious. Imagine like they saw me go, yeah, boy. And the Africans was like, put the picture. He looks like rubbish. Put the picture. My name is Jim Telly. Thank you. Jim Telly. Welcome back. Hey, man, how you doing? I've been on the show a few times, right? Yeah, yeah, just two weeks ago. Yeah, you're back. Very lucky, man. I see, man. Thank you for having me. How's life been going? How's it changed since the last time you were on? I just saw Triple H's down. Yeah. I just, I did too. And character? Reba McIntyre. Nice to meet you. Thank you. Thank you. Jesus, man. Triple H, I'm Ed Johnson. Good reason to be here. Crazy, crazy reference. I ain't gonna lie, I've been getting John Jones a lot. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. That makes sense. I could see why that would be. So let's talk about it. What's going on, man? Tell us something you haven't heard. You were just on two weeks ago. Oh, sure. I've been working a lot. I've been working on some more impressions. I've been actually working on an impression of you. Oh, God. Oh, God. All right. Let's hear it. Unbelievable. We're really doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it. I ain't gonna lie. Tony kind of sounds like if a banana could talk. Like a cartoon banana? I'm just saying. All right. That's a good impression. I thought. Let's face it, if a banana could talk, that'd be the last friend you ever needed in the world. Wouldn't that? Shut up. You're gonna owe. You're gonna owe. You're gonna owe. Really. Come on. What's up, man? All right, Jim. What are we missing here, though? What other impressions have you been working on? I could do a few impressions. I could do a Shannon Sharp. Wait. What is Shannon Sharp doing in this impression? All right. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Clips. Today we're gonna have him on our panelists. He's the host of Kyrtoni. Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Hees-Clean. That's actually a good impression. What else are you working on? I don't know. I could do, like, Mike Tyson, I think. Wow. White liberal lady out here. Virtue signaling white lady can't help herself when a boy... Do it. Do it, black man. Do what I say. Damn, man. Do it. Say please next time, bitch. All right. I don't want to do this now, man. I know, right? They ruined everything. Like, you weren't gonna do it. Every other thing, you said the name of the thing, and then you did it. This lady wanted to feel like a boss. Give her a new port. Let's get out of here. Ha-ha-ha. Jim, you got a big joke book last time you wrote? Yeah, yeah. Well, there you go. It's been a couple weeks. You got very lucky. A couple bucket pools were just on the way. We did it, man. There's only one place to go from here. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a Hall of Fame while we're here with two-time two-entry Hall of Fame member Triple H, guest of the year nominee, Carrot Top. Let me remind you, this episode is brought to you by Open Phone Prize Picks and NICT and WWE and ESPN Start. September 20th, John Cena versus Brock Lesnar and Louza. I mean, this is huge. I've been watching wrestling my whole life. ESPN and WWE combining forces is completely insane. It's unbelievable. And we have a Hall of Famer. This man has the record for most appearances all time. Most interviews all time. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from a man some people call God's favorite comedian. The Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the big machine. This is William Montgomery. MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC No reason. I love canvas. Screaming the N-word is one of the least offensive things he's said on Kill Tony. Like imagine his reaction when he learns a little bit more about bow and yang. This N-word is gay and Asian. Oh hell no! And I'm not gonna lie, I'd love to be invited to join Saturday and I'm not gonna be invited to join Saturday Night Live. If Stephen Hawking invented a time machine to the 90s, meanwhile Red Band's dumbass is still waiting to get a callback from the Gong show. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Wow, the powerhouse. The undeniable closer of closers. The big red machine lights out. William Montgomery has done it again. So nice to be here. And carrot top, oh my gosh, I think it was 2003. I was in the Memphis airport with my mama and my papa and my brother. And I get a tap on my shoulder. This is probably 2003. I get a tap on my shoulder and carrot top, it is you. And I turn around and you say, what's up brother? And you shake my hand. And it was the sweetest thing ever and I appreciate it. And carrot top, that taught me every time now I see a redheaded person, I say hello, I try to be nice. And carrot top, in 2006 I was working at the grocery store by my parents house and there was this beautiful redheaded woman that used to come into the store and one day I was like, oh my gosh, I love your hair. I love your hair. And she looked at me all weird and she was like, yeah, I've thought about dating a redheaded person before, but I'm worried everybody would think it was my brother and feel sorry for me. Oh no. And I was just sad. So that's the end of that story. It just maybe did like broke my heart. Let me give you a hug. But thank you, carrot top really. Thank you very much. My wallet. It meant a lot though. Hey! When he said, what's up brother, did your mom get really weird for a minute? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. You know that sucks about getting older because I literally have people come on my show and they say, you fuck my mom. Right? And then it'll be soon, you fuck my grandma. Or your grandpa blew me behind the dumpster. You know something, some shit like that. That is incredible. I didn't know redheads had a thing with them. Well, we have a theme. I heard about this with black guys. We have shorts. They always give a head nod. We're shorts. We didn't realize there was a red. It's like their scooter wave. That is so interesting. That's great. I wish I had a redheaded joke in here. Do you have any, do you have anything? No, I don't think so. It's a little bit like a chucky doll taped to a parking meter or something? It's more fucking... there's more thought process than that, but I like that. I'm going to have it next time I come back. I'm going to have a chucky doll taped to it. What is tape? Would you say? You know, you ever... Well, hold on a second. Hold on. Yeah? What do you have in there? the turbo round carrot top, anything we didn't get to? Well, this is kind of, hold on, fuck, it's caught. So this is how it's done. Wait, who wrote this? So don't look at the secrets. Triple H. OK. So when people breastfeed their baby, right, people get upset when they breastfeed their baby in public. So I made this, so that way it just looks like you're holding. And it's like, hey, hey. Yeah. It's all, it's, it, it, right? Get this up. You and I need to go on Shark Tank together. Yes, we do. I'll be with that. Fuck, we do. I'm telling you, some of this shit, I'm telling you. Here's one I could, I could sell in Shark Tank, besides the toilet paper one, right? Yeah. That's fucking right. This is real, like when you, this is the one of the very first jokes I came up with. If you don't have time to vacuum your carpet, right? It's really about the lines on the carpet. Looks like you vacuumed. So I used to do this when I was 12. You'd take a carpet roller and roll it on the carpet, and it leaves the vacuum marks. Wow. And my mom's like, oh, you vacuumed. Like, no, I just took a fucking carpet paint roller. Wow. I could tell that's one of the... Shark Tank, I'm telling you and me. I could tell that's one of your first ones that you came up with, because you hadn't realized yet that you didn't even tape it to anything else. It's just one thing back then. Well, this is the, this is the, this is the early, this is the progression. See, this is, it started with this bullshit, and then it came into really clever. You could have just vacuumed also. We were taking the same amount of time. Look at those, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah. I start thinking to myself, oh, this is pretty nice standing up here right now. And then I just hear this monster at the end of the fucking table. It's Red Band. Red Band and William Munk. I'm going to try and worry. It's one that will be written about in the history books forever. And Red Band, by the way, I get it, you shaved your beard, but you still look fat, Tom. I'm kidding. Red Band and William will settle the score at Wrestle Palooza September 20th, only on ESPN. Oh yeah. Cena versus Lesnar, Montgomery versus Red Band. And ripping its moms coming out with me. And William has a tattoo of a dick on his chest. Wait, what? Wait, you have blood? Carrot top, we got anything else? No, I don't know what I do, but no. There's got to be something. I see stuff in there. Yeah, yeah, this is good. This is, well, if you set me up, it's not going to be good. Yeah, it is. I like to walk up to women and I say, do you recognize me? And they say no. And I said, how about now? Or you could go that. You could go, you could go, how about now? I know that dick. Carrot top, I'm sorry everybody. The second part, aren't you? You wouldn't put your penis through there, would you? Not what? No. You wouldn't put your thing through there, would you? No, not again. Not again. What else, carrot top? No, I think we've blown out the fucking whole thing. These people love it. All right, OK. All right, now this one's pretty clever. All right. It's a little sensitive. We love this. Oh my goodness. No, hold on a second, fuck it. No, look. Sometimes we see it before you guys. Now this is one of my favorite ones. This is my favorite one of my favorite ones. I'm proud of this one. So gun control, right? It's already sensitive. Gun control. I know how to fix gun control. You can't shoot a gun unless you have Rubik's Cube has to be lined up just right. So you have to be smart to shoot somebody. Like I'm going to fucking mother fucker. I'm going to kill you. But you can't shoot. By the time you figure it out, they're gone. You are. End of that one. I absolutely love it. Did we announce that you and I are fighting at Meta Square? Yeah, it's going to be awesome. William, you ever use any props at all in your stand-up? Why did some idiot laugh like that about that? I don't know. Is my notebook a prop? I don't know, Tony. My notebook's maybe a prop. That's kind of my prop. Well, we're putting right here. Towards the end here, carrot top. Are you sure there's nothing else in there? Oh, god. They want more. All right, this is the final comedian. All right, hold on. All right, which one do you want? Just one quick one. OK. No, maybe a couple. All right, hold on. Oh, wait. This is good. This is a coffee cup for a lesbian. See, they're going to. See, how did you almost not do that? How did I not? That's the best one. How did I not almost do that? That's fucking amazing. How do you not fucking do that one? Jesus. That is unbelievable. That's amazing. That's the best. The amount of care that he gives to his props. Yeah. Top shelf. This thing is held together with tape. It is. Yeah. And that's the promo right there. She caught she killed Tony on Jordan. Is that Ellen Glass? Yes, that's Ellen on the front. That is a true lesbian mug. That's a real. Well, the horrible thing is it said Ellen on it because that's how old it was. I would say it's Ellen's coffee cup. I know. And then I got. And she said, why the fuck would you? I said, I'm kidding. I can change it to. I can change it to Rosie. You can change it to anything. Yeah. I can put your name on it. It works for any lesbian. That's amazing. Any lesbian. It's kind of a generic. And then I forgot it said Ellen on it. No, it's great. It's fantastic. Look at that, right? Hey, next on NBC. Is there anything else? No, that's it. We got to end on the good one. They want more. These people. I'm telling you, Karen, you're up for guests of the year. And Rob Schneider laid it down. Rob Schneider? Yes. You and Rob Schneider neck to neck. I'd be reaching deep in that thing. So this is Travis Kelsey's playbook, right? Yeah. That's not a joke. It's actually. That's his playbook, right? This is, this is, God damn it. This is their prenup. That thing is thick. Like a right. Like that is thick like my God. That's amazingly topical. That's very topical, right? That's amazing. We're just making a pile of shit. We're busted on an Ellen mug from 25 years ago. Right. Then it's joke from. So wait, hold on. So you go from old to current. This one I made in your dressing room back stage. That's amazing. You think I'm kidding? You think I'm kidding? Not done work. I'll get work. That's amazing. All the kids in my sweatshop work hour-lifters behind. Carrot tops, elves, hard to work. There that's it. What do you guys think? One more? There must be one more. Fuck! The problem is. You need one more carrot. My, you got the idea. The problem is, I did the A-shit earlier. I don't know. That Ellen mug was a hit. Look, it's even called carrot classics. That's great. All right, this is, which one do you, all right, hold on. We're going to end on this. We're going to end on this one. This is pretty clever. Oh, fuck. Shark tank shit. I made, I made boots that have the soul's reverse. You can't trace your steps. Whoa! That's actually fucking changing. Yeah, I know. Carrot tops. It looks like I'm helping criminals, but that's. That's amazing. Where do people see you in Vegas, carrot top? At the Luxor. Every night. Every night. Luxor, Casino. Every night at the Luxor. I'm going to more nights now. Go see him and tell him afterwards. Kiltoni sent you. He's part of the Kiltoni universe. One more time for carrot top, everybody. Brought to you by Open Phone Prize Pics and Nick. Guys, it's a dream come true for me. I'll tell you, how loud can this place get for triple H? The great Paul LeVec. Running the WWE, better than it's ever been. They're now teamed up with ESPN, two of the most iconic brands in sports entertainment together at once. Again, Russell Palooza is September 20th. Cena versus Lesnar, everything's going on. All their biggest events are now on ESPN's new streaming service. What an honor to have you, sir. Amazing. One more time for carrot top. Thank you, brother. One more time for William Montgomery. We did it again. The drawing from Ryan Jebel is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Ooh, a Cam Patterson. And that's about it, guys. We did it again. Red Band. Check out my fake band, Catbread 7, on YouTube, Spotify, and every day. Tickets are available now for the New Year's Eve Moody Center Kiltoni, our third year doing an arena in our hometown on New Year's Eve. Tickets are still available for that. That will sell out. It's moving extremely fast. So instead of coming up to me and saying, I mean, we always try to get tickets, but we never can. Now's your one chance to do it. New Year's Eve here in Austin, Texas. Do it. God bless you guys. Thank you so much. Good night. Make some noise for Triple H and Carrot Top. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.