#160 - Oops All Santas! Christmas Special w/ Mike Mitchell, Zach Cherry and Jon Gabrus

Right now, a guide dog puppy is taking her very first steps. One day, she'll help someone with sight loss live a full and independent life. Find the crossing best. Good girl. When you sponsor a puppy with guide dogs, you're there for it all. Her wobbly walks, her first harness, the life-changing partnership. It's more than a donation, it's the start of a life-changing story. Search, sponsor a guide dog puppy and be part of a story you'll be proud to share. Guide dogs. Advantage chewable. Oppa! Welcome everybody to Stavies World. 904-800-STOV. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. It's the holiday season, everyone. Oh! December 23rd, I believe. Isn't that right, Eldis? Oh wow, you're playing jingle. Oh, shit, guys. It's us. We have a fixed Santa coming. The fattest one is stuck in the chimney. The four of us can make it down. Ralphie May's been up there. The ghost of Ralphie May is stuck in the chimney. I like to think that John Panette and Ralphie May are looking over us like forced ghosts right now. Chris Farley, every dead fat guy. Panette is still doing the Chinese voice, though. That's upsetting everybody. We're like, John, please. You do a Ouija board and he's still doing the voice over through Ouija boards. John, there is over a billion dead Chinese people in heaven with us. You've got to stop. I like to think the real Santa is watching us and being like, I don't look that bad. Come on. This is disrespectful. He uses this as his before picture. That's right, folks. We have potentially the most... Is this the largest podcast that's ever the most tonnage, especially when you factor producer in? Oh, yeah. Producer to guess. This definitely beats the fucking Kelsey Brothers podcast. It's not even close. Especially once Jason retired, he dropped like 100 pounds. That always pisses me off with an alignment who's fat. It's like 300 pounds. Within like four months, weighs like 190. And it's like, fuck you, dude. Yeah, because I've got myself convinced that there are just some people who are supposed to be 300 pounds. Of course. Sometimes they're 5'8". Different on everybody. Yes, we have with the Stavies World Christmas Special, Oops All Santas, Mike Mitchell, Zach Cherry, John Gabris. The most... Honestly, we shouldn't say our secrets, but we are... We've started a fat cabal to take over Hollywood. Fat mafia. Yeah, I mean, Mitch brings it up every day on Del Boy, so it's not so much a secret. I figured it out. This guy's the fucking secret sieve. Don't tell him anything you don't want out there. Oh, what the fuck? You've got the best gossip always. Superdrain with me. Yeah, you'll only tell everyone you know. And then usually also you're listening. They're good people. They're good people. The people I tell them. They're platinum plate club. You'll say, maybe we should edit this out before and you won't edit it out. Oh, fuck. Eldis has bells on his shoes too. Perfect for the audio format. I know. That's what I was telling... I was saying I have him so I can keep track of Eldis. So I know where he is at all. He can never sneak up on me. This, we were all saying this is... When you're a fat comedian, you do have... It is PTSD putting the red cowl back on. Oh, 100%. If you look at my IMDb is Daniel Craig's with James Bond and like... But with Santa. What's the other shitty... What's the word? Is it Southern detective? Oh, glass on your eyes. Eyes out. No, eyes out. It's the same thing. He has like two roles. It's like... Say you're saying Nick and Santa. Searching for that second. You have Dom Delouise. You hear the Dom Delouise. Yeah, yeah. Young Dom Delouise. It's a bummer way. In the biopic. You learn how to sing like Dom Delouise. It's a bummer when you get credited as fat Santa. Why is that modifier there? I mean starting from the first time I probably played Santa, I was probably like... Because it starts young. Because you're always the fattest kid. Oh, yeah. So it's like, I feel like I probably played Santa in like third grade. It's either Santa or the dad. Right, right. Because somehow fat means old. You're so right. Never tall kids in a suit. I remember driving with my teacher to a big and tall store to buy a suit. Because I was playing the dad in something. And they had to get me a suit. That was fucking incredible, dude. Awesome. Holy shit. I did pretty good. I was in my senior year, I was a Santa for my friend's family. Oh, for me? And then they just... He was like... Just a little private gig. Just picked up a private gig. Not even for the school. His uncle was like, Santa's getting excited when his nieces were sitting on my lap. I was like, how you doing to me? I did Santa for a friend's Christmas party. They were like, just come, be in Santa, get drunk and bullshit with people. I'm like, oh, hell yeah. And then five minutes in, I'm like, this is the most upsetting thing I've ever done. Yeah. It sucks. Oh, I just had a flashback. I played Ben Franklin for U Penn Alumni Party one time. Ben Franklin and Santa are very close. That's good. I also played Ben Franklin before. It's all relaxed. I'm working on a Ben Franklin script right now. I mean, truly that is the role I was born to play. It's all about the Benjamin's. I mean, check this shit out. I don't even need to do shit. I have his hair. I need the little glasses. You take air baths? That was Ben Franklin's big thing. He would just air out. He would air out. Do you know that about him? Walk around naked at like three a.m. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's... We're getting a buzz. Unplug your shit. You don't hear that fucking producer? It's your job to make sure that audio doesn't suck. Sound like shit? There we go. There we go. There we go. Nope. No. I guess you're just going to have to keep your fingers on it all fucking episode. I was only hearing bells. This isn't getting recorded at all. We just see you're in Santa Clause. It's like assholes for no reason. When I was gone now, this is being uploaded to a very specific gay porn set. Holy fuck. If an hour in, we start sucking each other's cash, we can make so much money, dude. If. I think I misread the email. I got that gum that makes your mouth water. When I heard about this stuff... Yeah, what is the gun that makes your mouth water? Yeah, there's like a gun. A gun? A gun? Whenever I put this gun in my mouth, my mouth starts to water. My body craves it. My body craves the gun. Can I try it next? Hey, officer, can I try and taste them, your gun on the subway? Keep fresh. Have you seen... Have you seen... Have you seen... Have you seen... Have you seen your mouth water? Reaching for a fattest type of suicidal ideation possible. You see a gun in your mouth starts fucking watering. If you said, if you said to went up to a coffin, pour that in his gun, and you go, that's making my mouth water. Would be fucking... Are you gonna finish that gun? Dude, that would be awkward. That might be the fucking funniest way to make a cop uncomfortable, because you're not really threatening him. You're not... You are pointing to his gun. So you gotta be pretty far away. But if you're... The farthest away you could be when he could still hear you, you're gonna be like, that's making my mouth water. Anyone else? Would you get in trouble for that? I wonder. I don't know. I'm obsessed with those... There's like a genre of reels where guys squeeze a water bottle, like they're pissing with their back to two cops or whatever. And then the cops are like, what the fuck? And they turn around and he like smiles at the water bottle. So like, obviously only a white guy can do that. Of course, of course. That's awesome. And he's like, it's real piss. He's drinking it. That better be water. The cop grabs him and immediately drinks it. Oh, hell yeah. That is fucking awesome. I mean, it's like, we chose to be Santas, which feels very powerful here. It wasn't like... That's right. Yeah, I could use the 80 bucks. Thank you, College Humor. No, we can't... And everyone walks with a high quality Santa suit. I... You know, for your own uses. That's why you put it on your acting reel. Yeah. Have my own Santa suit. So those guys who have like a lab coat and a police uniform. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Their headshots are them in different costumes that they can bring. It's just Santa and Jabba the Hutt for us. Jabba is not even fat anymore. They're doing the skinny job. They're doing skinny Jabba. The bear is Jabba. The bear is Jabba. That's so, so fucked up there. Thank you. Yeah, he's like, plays Jabba's jacked nephew. Yeah. That's so, so fucked up. I hate this. And he speaks... He doesn't even speak... He speaks common or English? He speaks English, I think, yeah. Yeah. Not even in the weird fat way? Oh ho ho, pussy I won. Or whatever the fuck you think. Carzin, we must smoke cigarettes. I'm the funniest guy at the Emmys. Hey cousin, oh bada. I'm having trauma. Isn't this interesting? Oh ho ho ho. Streets of Philadelphia. Even cooking is about generational trauma. Oh ho ho ho. Shut the fuck up. This is going in my pile of, uh, of, of, of Santa's suits, which I think is, it's very kind that you're gonna... Well, you got to see in a room in your place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will probably wear this to the Riyadh Christmas festival. Are you guys going to the Riyadh Christmas festival or not? It's the first ever. I'm doing who's Riyadh is it anyway with Drew Carey. How fucking funny was it that Wayne Brady did go to that? That's so funny. He did. He did. It's so... You do improv? I don't know what he was doing, but he collected a lot of versions of his pocket. It's just like the most wholesome like guy you could, like it's just very funny to think of him there. But you know, anyway, uh, Congrats to Wayne Brady. We're excited to see what else he's got cooking. Yeah, it is, it is a beautiful time to be here. Fellowship with my Christmas brothers. What was the last time you played Santa? How about that? And then we'll move on from the topic. That's a good question. I think it was a funnier die video like five years ago, where I don't remember what the real premise was. I just remember at one point I'm shitting out presents underneath the Christmas tree. It was kind of funny. And the woman who directed that then did cast me in a real commercial. Okay. So I'm like, that's what you hope for from doing $90 videos. Yes, of course. Down the road, you get like a real paycheck. So shout out. Adriana. She's going to appreciate me butchering her name and putting an accent on her. Like I'm a fucking newscaster. I remember Halloween. I used to just wear it to Halloween. That's good. Because I didn't have any costume. I actually considered this, you know, I mean, obviously now it's December 23rd, but I considered I bought it on Halloween and I considered wearing it on Halloween. But I don't know. I got to go. You got to go. So that is a fun move though, because it's very, very fun. Move though, because it's very nightmare before Christmas too. You know, everyone loves that. You know, no one else. No one's going to be dressed as Santa, but everyone's going to be dressed as fucking Leonardo Caprio from one battle after another. Of course. Of course. Doug, you're taking me. I'm searching. I'm searching. He pretty much got the robe. Yeah. This is basically his costume. It is. Yeah. Oh, right. Yes. Yeah. He is Santa in that movie. That was my takeaway. I didn't like it as much. The Santa parts took me out of it. We just can't, we can't watch any art and not to see it through a Santa lens. The real bummer is that Zach thought Leonardo Caprio was Santa and I thought that Sean Penn was Santa. We both didn't enjoy the movie for the same reason, but also both wrong. I guess we are basically, the Christmas Adventures Club was the white supremacist. By accident tipping our cap to the fake white supremacist in one battle after another. Did you figure it out? I was searching Santa in my mail to see what I could find. Because I know I know. All you found was that naughty and nice list that you wrote. Oh man. It's kind of, I don't want to put this energy out there, but how far are we from a Santa mass shooting? For some guys, a naughty and nice list. You just sparked an idea for some. What? Yeah. I feel like it's just in a sled. Have there been fat mass shooters? We got to get in there. People talk about like they're bullied. I'm like, you know, of course, that is true. Yeah. That is true. I feel like not a lot of fat mass shooters. I don't know. That's why we eat. People should be fatter. A nurse will save the lives of innocent people. Absolutely. The only thing that will. That's why they take Zep bound off the market. The shootings are up like crazy. Oh dude, there are some, they're like, like, you know how they have like, ancient diseases trapped under the permafrost? It's like, Zep bound is going to like, when some fat people get some confidence, they are going to commit crimes. When they're not docile because of their weight. There's going to be like new STDs when fat guys start fucking. When these crusty fat guys unleash whatever. The anime conventions are going to get fucking wild. No, you're right. The only thing that's going to stop us from a civil war is that the country's too fat, by the way. There's literally some statistic I saw on tour that was like, no country ever certain BMIs. I've read a civil war. And I don't know if it's real or not, but I choose to believe it. You're welcome, everyone. Yeah, that's our doing, folks. We're holding the country together. Definitely bringing up the overall average. I saw a really anti-fat guy movie last night, The Longest Walk. Have you seen it? Yeah. The Long Walk. The Long Walk. I loved it. I liked it. I thought it was fun. I cried my fucking eyes out. Did you really? I was just thinking about if someone made him walk that much. Yeah. I was stressed watching it because I was like, imagine you book a movie and it's the movie where you got to walk 13 miles a day. We're like, I'm not in good enough shape to play the guy that's out of shape in this movie. I think it gets killed first. Yeah. Yeah. The guy with the starting gun just shoots me. And you're thankful. Oh, thank fucking God. Yeah. When I walk now, I do think about that movie because you can't fall below whatever three miles. Yeah, three miles per hour. That's pretty quick. Yeah, yeah. And I think the book is 3.5. And the movie made it 3 to make it. Yeah, or it's something that's higher. What I consider jogging. Stephen King is a skinny tall man. He doesn't understand. True, true, true. Yeah. I mean, he's not bringing a walk in and you go a fucking step in front of a car once every 25 years. Well, his speeds are high, so he thought he could make it. I can clear this. Fucking hated Langleers. Guy did it on purpose. He's been waiting for Stephen King to cross the road. The general or whatever is like, this one guy isn't getting up to four miles per hour. We don't know what to do with that. He's never even set the clock as the loophole. You never go below because you never hate this. I went on a technicality. You want to win. Yeah, you just roll downhill and keep momentum the whole way. Like the fat kid from Hook. Oh, true. Yeah, yeah. If it's down here, I can roll. I can roll to 3.0, no problem. I, something cool behind the scenes of that movie is they shot it in order. So when your character, when they're, when the character died, they just sent them home. So actors were like losing friends over the course of the production, which is really cool. That's kind of nice. No, it's kind of nice because then you get to go home. Yeah. I mean, that's also nice, but it is sad to lose people along. Yeah. It's better than being in like Bulgaria for five weeks and then shooting your one day at the end that they need you for. Oh, yeah. I saw it in at the Times Square AMC, which was in the most insane movie experience I've ever had. Oh, yeah. There was three people, there were three people just talking the entire movie around me. That AMC is essentially like a homeless shelter. Yeah. It was a halfway house of sorts. It's depending on what time of day. Would you see it in the middle of the day? No, it was like 10 p.m. Oh, okay. Yeah. That's too late. There was three people loudly yelling what I think was rushing at each other during the whole movie. And then there was a guy who was asleep for half of it, but then he woke up and he was like, stand up for yourself. Like saying it to the characters on the screen. That guy fucking, that guy had a dream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had some seasick. I'm going to turn my life around today starting with this movie. He started saying shut up and I was like, oh, good. He's yelling at the people who were talking, but he was talking to the people on the screen. To the character. He's talking to the character. Trying to sleep. I feel like Seymour Hoffman's son. Good knowledge of Hollywood on this guy. Dude, when I moved from New York to LA, going to movies became like such an insanely increased experience because like going here to like before there was, I mean, 15 years ago too, there wasn't like the reserve seating and shit. So you'd be like, I got to be two hours early to fast five and union square. And then you go to LA and it's like everything is like assigned seating. People, people have gotten bad again post pandemic. I don't get me started on movie theater behavior. It's when I feel like it's when I go off. I go, I go in the morning for the first showing, which is the baby and me showing at certain theaters. So it's just me and a bunch of single moms. I mean, you're you're in a relationship, but you're married man. That's not a bad look. Cinefile single moms. I'm listening. You saw Gabriel was not there in diapers, I believe. Mike and his like, Findom. And diaper and makes them watch movies. We're going to go see Star Wars, force awakens again, man. That's called Sindham. I used to live in Brooklyn and we had the Cabo Hill cinemas, which was like the hipster, like older people. And then there was the regal cinemas, regal union. And it was, if you walked up to the counter after a movie, before you said anything, they gave you a refund because they knew, like, if you were just, if you were like white and of a certain age, they knew you were coming to complain. Because the vibe there was like school field trip every fucking movie. No matter what movie you were at, no matter the age of the people, you felt like a teacher taking a thousand kids somewhere. I know. It was a wild fucking scene. I can like a lively audience, but that movie, it just was not. It didn't. A woman answered her phone, put it on speakerphone and passed it down the line to the people she was with. So they could all say hi to one person. That's fucking awesome. And they sported McDonald's with a kid and it was in the Halloween reboot. I do like that. That's so fucking awesome. It was fucking awesome. That kind of makes me nostalgic though. I feel like those were the movie theaters I grew up with. In Baltimore, remember East Point, Eldis? East Point. I mean, now they've actually used somebody bought it and made it like one of those assigned seating theaters. But dude, growing up, like legitimately people smoked cigarettes in the movie theater. And one time our friend did. That's when you felt like, whoa, we're becoming like, we feel a circle of life. We're at the dirt bags now. Where my friend just like a little sparked up. We're like, dude, what are you doing? He's just smoking. I was like, hell, and then I was, I saw fat, the first Fast and the Furious. I saw it there. Oh shit. And everyone was so jacked. Somebody stabbed the guy. And so we just had to like wait until the police kind of cleared everything out. Watching the rest of Fast and Furious with white tape on the coverage. That was a regular occurrence. And my movie theater growing up, that was a semi regular occurrence. I grew up in Trenton, but not even in Trenton. This was like outside of town. Hell yeah, dude. Oh man. Glad you made it out. Yeah, dude. You made it out of that lifestyle. It's the first. Yeah. When I, when I hear that's, I do rarely feel kindred, a kindred spirit. When I say I grew up in Baltimore, people try and like, oh yeah, but Trenton. It's the Baltimore of New Jersey. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. The thing you described that life cycle of when you were a kid, things you remember your parents bitching about, you're doing now. Like when you're like, these kids are like, your mom and dad is like, these kids don't know how to behave. And then like five years later, you realize you're those kids. Yeah, absolutely. It's a fucking great feeling. And then 20 years later, you're your dad. Yeah. Because my dad was a big tell other people to be quiet in the movie theater guy. And for 20 years, I was like, dude, stop. It's fine. You're embarrassing me. And now I'm that. I'm that. I do it. I'll tell people right away. Mitch is almost looking for it. Yeah. I sat down with him one time at the Vista and he was like, this is like, this is the best guy from Boston can use his like, yeah, stand your ground. And this is like, it's like, he can bring it cost teenagers in the movie theater, not like with his gun, you know, like in his, in his heart, it's like, what he was bred to do was like a cost black teenagers on the street. And Mitch is like, no, no, no, I'm a good guy. I just yell at people. The movie theater. Yeah. You bring your assistant football coach energy to the AMC. There were two teenage kids in the last night. They were acting fine. They were great. Yeah. And I didn't check on the teenage boys when you first got there. Did you give him a candy? Well, I was. You're out there. Santa's shooting. I. Miss came here changed out of his movie. Santa's and put on his podcast. Santa's. A Santa suit for all occasions. You guys, you guys heard the reindeer hooves when I first arrived. I won't like, I actually won't do it to kids. But if it's a, because then I feel like this is kids being kids, whatever. But if it's someone my age, I get, I get, I become like you were my, my Eastern European programming to just fight anyone that annoys you kicks in. It's a real problem because I'm going to get my ass kicked at some point. Right. Because I'm not strong. I'm fat as shit. Like, but I just pop off at the mouth where I can't stand. You know what I mean? You're so in the right. Yes. That's the thing though. So if you got your ass kicked telling someone to be quiet, you're at least like, well, I, you were objectively in the right. So you're the sympathetic, uh, totally hurt victim the whole time. I'm powered by the righteous, self-righteousness. They get mad at you even if you are in the right. They don't care anymore. That's like, especially I love to do it in LA because it is just people like it's movie Dorks going to theaters and they shoot. Oh yeah. You feel like an alpha at the vista. Oh, a hundred percent. It's like, get the fuck out of the way nerds. You know what I mean? It's like, it's the biggest door. It's like guys that are older, fat. Anyone older than us is in horrific shape. Yeah. And anyone younger than us is such a coward. That is just so easy to feel like a fucking man. Those guys aren't going to fight in their too small denim jacket. Yeah. You ain't an L anymore, pal. Go ahead and make the clutch XO. Give me a favor. Button that. Or let me see you button that kid. It's the ghost of Christmas futures for me where they're like, they're like 15 years older than me and they're like, are using waking CPAPs. Just during the movie. They fill their CPAP with popcorn. The heater is popping the popcorn. I'm not going to be a good kid. I'm not going to be a good kid. The heater is popping the popcorn. It's a beautiful self-sufficient system. Grab the unrivaled Samsung Galaxy S26 Ultra with an incredible privacy display on EE, the UK's best network. You can save £20 per month plus claim a Samsung Galaxy Tab S10 Lite. Now we're talking. So get yours today. Offer ends 28th of May. Saving on minimum 24 months, 125 gigabyte airtime plan. Eligibility, credit check and terms of supply, credit by EE Limited. Claim from Samsung within 30 days of purchase. Verify best network at EE.cotec.claims. At 2E, we give you more. More outfit choices with 20 kilograms of luggage allowance as standard. More hotels built around what you love like that swim up suite. More race you to the bottom, water parks on site. More, oh, that looks good. Food options from poolside snacks to ala cart dining. Book on app, in-store or online. You book it, 2E sort it. At all and after protected, keys and Cs apply, selected hotels only. See website for details. Every time I see a CPAP, I think of you guys. I got served an Instagram reel where Shaq is wearing like a full blown aquarium helmet. It's a CPAP that goes like over his whole head like an old scuba mask. It was fucking crazy. We've seen it there. I got a Google. In the emails, your doctor begs you to get one. That's the other time I see a lot of it. I was blown away and then I didn't have sleep apnea. I did sleep trials. You did? Because I'm a CPAP user. CPAP proponent. Elvis absolutely needs one. I hear him when we were fucking when we would like pass out. And this was in our 20s. Elvis was like a shaking of bells and then snores. Elvis sleeps like. I think that's one of the diagnostic criteria. Dude, it's like he's dying. Remember when my brother slept in the same bed as you and he what was it? I slept in a room with a Stoff's brother on the trip we were on. Then I woke up in the morning. He was just like up in his bed, like leaning on his shoulder. Look at me. He was like, you have sleep apnea. He's just waiting for hours to tell Elvis you have sleep apnea. You ruined my night's sleep. Before I had the CPAP, it was a benefit because I would always get the solo room and bed. And I was like when I was traveling with friends. Because nobody wanted to sleep in the same room. Used to happen on the Doe Boy stores when I'd go on. But then Nick was like, we stayed at that Airbnb in like Arizona one time before you guys had Emma and stuff. So it was like, and your Nick was like, I'm not fucking. And I'm like, I could sleep through anything. I just like walking in the middle of the night. I was like, I am so fucking scared. You know when like coyotes get into a garbage can? Sounded like that. It was like, it had like 11. It was like harmonizing octaves of like. Harmonizing is a good way to put it. I know. It's also the bad thing to be the bad sleeper when he's a guy who puts on sunglasses at 10 PM and then has like fluorescent lights. He does like light, light treatment therapy and all that. And I'm the guy who's more fucked up. I'm really good at sleeping. It's like the only thing I can like go. I could sleep in most places no matter what the light is. Not a napper either. Not a napper. No, that's good for you. I can wake up when I have to wake up. I can fall asleep. Like I'm pretty good. Respect. I wish I could. I still can. I still sleep is still, you know, fucking annoying for me. And it sucks. Because you get the CPAP in the first couple of months, you're like, I'm a new man. And then you just adjust. You even have to feel like shit. You're just like, well, now I won't die in my sleep, but I still feel like shit every fucking. This is almost adventure. It feels like an adventure that you might not wake up. It took that joy for me. Well, the CPAP is fixing a symptom of something else we could probably fix. It's like I got the CPAP squared away. I just need 11 more pills. Surviving. Yeah. I love my pills to counteract the injection I take to hopefully stop me from getting fatter. You are CPAP guy though. All right. I am. Yeah. Oh yeah. What you got? Oh, you know, let's talk. Let's talk shop. You know, you should have. I'm a resmed guy. I say we love the resmed. Resmed. Oh, we gotta get a sponsor this episode. Let's say the Tomas is spec. Oh, absolutely. Yep. And I got the travel one. You gotta go travel. You both have the travel one. You gotta go travel. I got the travel one. Do you bring the big one though? I brought the whole, I got the whole big boy with me on there. I was traveling with that. This is a fat guy problem I want to talk to you about. Please. If I travel in East, it's Christmas season, so it's a little cool in New York. Yeah. If I pack two hoodies and two pairs of pants, I need a second suit. Dude, it's brutal. It does not fold up. So I'm imagining a CPAP two new. Mangle device loophole. Mangle device loophole. It doesn't count as a carry-on. This is true. It's a medical device loophole. And you can put stuff in the carrier, extra stuff. Oh, yeah. You put Skittles in there, shit. You're supposed to put them in the mask. Literally, when I go to the airport and I go to the airport, in the airplane, like if you take a nap. I flew to Australia and I did once. But it's a whole process. You have to get it cleared with the airline and like. Oh, really? I don't do any of that shit. They don't want you to like short out their system. Oh, wow. So it's a whole thing. This guy is so fat. Napping might take down an airplane. He might be napping so hard and fatly that it will destroy a Boeing 747. Well, listen, you hear, they play like the phone recording of the guy saying, let's roll. Like it's not 11. But it's fucking take the ZAC mask off. The black box is just ZAC snoring as the thing fucking crashes. A tiger shark with a no, like a nozzle coming out of his mouth. Yeah. Oh, dude, I have definitely on long flights. I feel like I did that. I think I tried it when I went to Venice and then any time it's, if I get a fucking, if I get a like lay flat, yeah, if I get a lay flat and it's a long flight, the CPAP's coming out, brother. I don't give, I don't have, I have no shame about banning up in the fucking, I don't give a fuck. I think people would prefer that to hearing you snore in first class, which I think I did on the flight out here because I, I snapped awake at one point and I looked around and I was like, I'm bothering people. I got the vibe. I feel like the plane is loud enough. You're, you're in the clear. There's a lot of noise. I know I know myself. Yeah. Well, I think, I think the plane. If I saw you shirt off with the CPAP mask on. Shirt off. Why shirt off? Well, I'm the plane. Wait, are you allowed to take your shirt off on the plane? You might be. First class crazy. You can do whatever you want. It would be like a budget version of Dark Knight Rises beginning when you're in the fucking thing on. I never, I'm embarrassed by it. And I also didn't know that you could actually plug in. I thought that it was. Oh, you can plug in brother. You can do it. Absolutely. What do you do? Oh, you guys have the cartridges. You, the right, don't that you aren't for travel. You talking about water? Yes. Yeah. I go dry. I don't even use. You guys go dry. No, I have the little cartridge. I just go dry. I don't give a fuck. When I learned to seep up in the wreckage brother. I can't go dry. Well, I can't go with CPAPs. I can't go dry. Yeah. With CPAPs. I can't go dry with everything else. I go. I prefer it. I'm so used to dry. Well, you got such a little ass dick. It's dry and feels smaller. And there's friction. You thought the girl you're dating is tight. You just have, you're so bad at turning her on. You're just completely dry. Yeah. No, I trained myself to go dry to be able to go whenever. You studied the way of the dry CPAP. Because I got tired of looking for distilled water on the road. That's I did that my first night. And we went and not you did that. We all did that because we had to go with you in DC. And we went to a pretty scary 7-Eleven. We went to a place where I had to go like full like old fashioned masculinity and like stand in between Emma and Amelia. And this unhoused guy who was shadow boxing the window. I guess it's not called shadow boxing if you're hitting something. He was, he was, I saw for him, he was sleeping in front of the 7-Eleven and then followed us in and it was not. Yeah. It was for my CPAP. And then the first night here. To get distilled water. To get distilled water. To get better water than he drinks. He breathes in. And then I went to a bodega here because I'm staying at the Arlo and Soho and I walked to a bodega. And I'm sure that they get bodega skip fact guys. So I was like, you got water and they're like, yeah, we got plenty of water. I was like, distilled water. He's like, no, you're going to go to this other fucking bodega. And it was like two miles away. So it was awful. But that's, you know, he was just trying to get you to get distilled water. Yeah. There's no way you had to walk two miles to get distilled water. Yeah. He was like, I was like, I was right over there by the salad. But you grab anything you want while you're over there. This is the top cheese. This is the top cheese. There's a bottle. Yeah, there's a bottle. There's one bottle of distilled water under this kale. Eat your way through it and you can have it. Like a bigger loser. Can we get this loser contest? You can all call Uber to the other one. Thank you. Chop cheese to go, sir. That's all I need. Eat the Uber. Next, you can order Uber and Postmates in one where the guy picks up the food, then picks you up in the car. Oh, shit. And you get to eat in his bag seat like a fucking king. Cut this part out. Cut this part out. Another fucking sponsor that we're making spec ads. Now we're just creating business. Hello, sharks. We're four Santa Claus. The whale sharks. See if your idea is bad enough for the four of us. Oh, I would love that. Fat only businesses in America. Now we're talking. We should just launch a big and tall line that just doesn't have those words in the title. Absolutely. I would shop there in a heartbeat. Fat and long. Fat and long. Long and fat. I like that. Yeah, that's a big, but what is the bone? What is the bone? What is the bone? He's the big and tall brand that I rock. You're looking good. You're looking good coming in here. He came in head to toe. I might have to get my end up myself. I might have to get my end up. Actually, bleep that out. No free promo. Yeah. The thing I don't like. They didn't even come on Manzaka check, dude. They didn't even come on Manzaka. They know I'm out here rocking it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll bleep it, but I will be looking at it later. Oh, yeah. Oh, this is on there right now. My problem is that. His computers on the fucking website. It's like a garage man to go on the one bone website. We have to use like the shitty like audio from the camera. My problem with big and tall clothes is that they're always do subdued colors. Right. It's always like beiges and blacks and grays. And I like to wear a peacock guy. And they just don't make it except in like tablecloths. Yes, absolutely. We'll have to buy like curtains and wear them. They'll have a cool thing, but it's like then every fat guy you see has that. Because it's only the one pattern. It's the one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me and Tim Dillon have had the same polo like shirt. I see I'm like, oh, they're we're foley. We just did are you garbage? I see when I see my fat friends that go hit the big and tall a little sooner than me. I'm like, oh, I have to go check that. I have to go get that shirt and coordinate with them so that I don't wear it at the same place. Yeah. Before we were friends, I mean, I've been following you for years. You definitely wore a shirt where I'm like, well, I put mine in retirement. Government, government, wherever on the same lineup and we have the same shirt, we're going to have to, we can't even like touch each other. I was totally. Time continue. Almost shut down when I was when I was slightly less fat and I was, I'm actually, I'm probably back there now. The old Navy 2x, the move was you get the old Navy the day thing you shirts come out. So and you wear them that week and you put them away before every fat guy on earth gets them. But the first, if you get them fresh, they had some good stuff. Oh, yeah. You take like three Instagram photos. So you get like ownership. I take a picture. I mail to myself holding the newspaper. Like you're not. I was at this comic book store the other day and there was a Friday the 13th sweatshirt and I was like, can I get that in 3x? And they were like, we don't have 3x. And you're like, to not get a comic book shop, fucking 3x sweatshirt is so insulting. And I was like, how about that Halloween one? But I was like, no, only 2x. And I was like, how the fuck this? Come on guys. I know. Who are you fucking kidding? I know. I mean, I'm, it's, it's, it's the Christmas season. It's the Christmas season. So I'm sure there was a lot of people buying it for Halloween. Of course. They're buying presents for their Halloween fanatic loved ones. This is really complicated because we are technically doing a tenant episode as well because Zach and I are traveling from Christmas towards Halloween. And you guys are living from Halloween towards Christmas. Oh dude, you know what's, tie this in. That was our, during the, me and my brothers had a, we would just on Christmas, we would take mushrooms and go to the like, or acid and go to the movie theaters for a couple years. And then the pandemic happened. And the one year where my brothers, eldest, all our friends came to my apartment in Queens and took mushrooms. We watched Tenant. Oh hell yeah. It was the fucking, because it's like, that movie doesn't make sense. Sober. I've seen that movie six times and I could not explain it to anyone. And I fucking love it. Yeah. And we were just so, that was one of my best Christmas memories actually was, was just being on mushrooms, just fucked up, not understanding anything. My brother was trolling all of us. My brother, we started at one point, everyone was on mushrooms and we're trying to, my brother started reading the subtitles before the characters could read it. And then it just became five guys being like, and then we said, and then we said, and then we said, and then we said, who can read the fucking subtitles faster? And then we're, and then he, my brother was like explaining the plot and no one understood. And he was like, he said it was Jason Bateman was in the movie, which he wasn't, but he said like the redhead guy was Jason Bateman. And then he said, yeah. And then Denzel's son, he's a, they're, they're in a company called Omnicron. He's just making up like, like what it feasibly could have been. Cause everyone else was brain was so fried. We're like, oh really? It's Omnicron? It was honestly the most fun being on mushrooms, trying to understand that movie. One of your friends fucking with you. Elvis, you got really fucked up. Remember? Yeah. I got, I got like, I was tripping so hard. I got scared. Like, I remember, I remember at one point after like the crazy initial wave, it was like three or four hours in, I was just on the couch like doing this with my toes for like two hours. It was like fucking, like a cat. I love the jingles as you see. Yeah. You ducked your bells on, but you could hear them. He was rubbing his feet literally like this. I was literally like cuddled up next to our friend, big P and fucking like just squeezing my, like rubbing my feet together. It was fucking weird. I don't want to be the guy. We're like, you're like, you're scaring me now. We were all scared because of eldest. I don't want to meet the guy in your friend group who has the name big in their name. Guys, would you like to watch? The only one to steal is big P. Is that one of the guys with the guy who you can't see who's above the screen? Yeah. Only his chest is in the movie. Yeah. Shout out to Tenon. Shout out to, shout out to go taking mushrooms and go into the fucking movies on Christmas. Dude, I was just about to say how disheartened would your parents be to be like my number one Christmas memory is being in my thirties with my friends trip and doing a global pen. Yeah. That's a little, that's what we would call an indictment on their parents. My best like less Christmas. I just went to go see Godzilla minus one with Ben Rogers. The two of us on Christmas morning. Yeah. I picked up Chinese food for myself and went home. And I was like, this is one of the best fucking Christmas I've ever had. Fucking awesome dude. Yeah. Christmas movie is great. Christmas movie is wonderful. Shout out to the Jews for them. Christmas figured it out. 100%. Chinese food and a movie on Christmas. Like I actually feel bad doing that now because I feel like I'm stealing Jewish culture. You're culturally appropriate. Really do. Because like they really nailed it. And now it's like, it's like, it's kind of like that's their, they, I should be with my family, but they're, you know, I don't want to be. So I'm at the movie theater. I mean, the last one, I was, it was a avatar. Oh hell yeah. I was, I went from like, I was laughing. I was like, this movie is fucking stupid. And then like when his son dies, I literally started crying. Oh man. I'm bawling. I'm like, no. It's beautiful. He's fucking killed it. You love it. I fucking love it. I love that movie so much. Wow. I'm the only, I'm an, I like to have a time. Did you see two? It doesn't make me emotional. Two. Did you see two or no? Yeah, I saw it. Okay. In theater. One, I didn't like when a verse came out. I mean, I was in college and I was kind of in my pretending to be a movie snob. I mean, I was pumped for it. Don't get me wrong. And I went with my brother and you know, the first one came out literally, I was in college and we were like, hell yeah, fucking James Cameron. This is going to be the fucking sickest action movie. And then me and my brother, it was just that moment where we're like, this is kind of fucking stupid. And every moment. And then when they finally fuck with the tree, like they put their tree pussies together. Like they've, they put their fucking hair dicks in the tree pussy and then like fuck each other through that. We lost. We were just dying laughing. And now I will say the fight scenes were fucking sick as shit. I wish I could have watched like a 40 minute, just cut out all the talking. Yeah. And let me see all the fights. But the second one I watched on so many mushrooms that to me it's again, one of the best movies. That's not even about all the new Star Wars. I know everyone hates them. They're the best movies. Some of the best movies I've ever seen in my life because I went so on acid that it's the, it's a great experience. If you watch a sober, you will think they're bad. I will never do that. When I'm an adult, when I'm an adult and the only way I should watch those movies is on acid. Way of the water came out and I watched it on, on the Friday that it came out on Edibles and then went back on Saturday by myself, ate a fucking eighth of mushrooms and sat down with the glasses on and the movie ended and I go, I don't even know if I tripped. It's kind of hard to tell what he did. I don't think I got that. I know. When you're in a movie and you're like, am I tripping yet? And then it hits you like, I am now. Let's be honest. Who here went out for Paiakon, the mighty Telcun? I'm still pissed. I'll start on that. I want the final race, but they cast me just for the motion capture. I put on the mo cap, shoot all the balls and just float around. When the, when the subtitles from of the whale pops up on the screen, it's a moment where I, in like that weird font, the Cypress font, I fucking loved it. I like, I think a lot of people turned on the movie then, but I fucking know what electrified it for me is when they said she's a beautiful singer. I am like, Paiakon's a lady. Paiakon's a woman. It's Paiakon. Maybe Paiakon was talking about his girlfriend or something. Oh yeah. Paiakon's mom who died. The mighty Telcun gets pushed. I mean, they have to reproduce. It's gotta happen. That's true. I wonder what their next look like. A few walls you could hit fucking a mighty Telcun. You'd have to climb fully inside. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Swim up the canal. Yeah, you'd have to. That's the best version of it, sounds like. Yeah. You'd be fine. That's what I do anyway. I go feet first into women. Slide them up like a sleeping bag. To my feet or in their arms. I'm wearing her like feety pajamas. Still can't make her come. Have you busted yet? Can you just hurry up and bust? You should have taken your sneakers off. What are some other, okay. So what are, how about we go, it is Christmas season after all. What are some favorite Christmas memories as boys as men? Either one. I said my adult one. Yeah. I remember I asked for moon shoes, which were the Nickelodeon bouncing shoes. And my mom, I just didn't get them one Christmas. And then she, like four years later, I was in, I was like 13, 14. She's, I opened up a president. It was moon shoes. She's like, they're up in the attic. I forgot to give them to you like four years ago or whatever. And I was like, holy shit. And that's when you found out Santa wasn't real. I had way too late of a Santa isn't real. My mom, like I sat down with my mom when I was like in eighth grade. No. You have an older sibling. I have an older sibling. You're getting older. But I was like, I sat down and I was like, I was like, Santa's not, I think it was also, she was like, it's time for this kid to know. Come on, man. You're fucking 13. And she was like, you have pubes. Once you have pubes, you should not believe in Santa anymore. Absolutely. I would say much earlier than that. That's why Italian green kids learn at like nine. I think I always believed in the spirit of Christmas as well. But I put on the moon shoes and I jumped once and the snaps just fucking fell. That's a little too on the nose. I gained enough weight that it was just like, it's true. Would they have survived if you had gotten on the train? Probably not. It probably would have been still, it probably still would have snapped, but it was like immediate. And then I remember I doubled, there's extra snaps. So I like doubled up the snaps and I was the fucking boats around. It is funny that gravity broke your moon shoes. There's an irony there. I love that moon shoes is pretty good. We watch, we watch, we'll watch a Christmas. I'll watch a Christmas movie with my mom and sister now, with like a, which is now worse because it used to be the plus side of being in SAG is they give you like good DVDs and screeners and shit. And now you got to try to like log in with that six authentication apps on your mom's TV. That's your mom doesn't even know how to turn her own TV on and off. That is another thing that always happens to the basement TV. She doesn't know how to turn it on. My mom calls my brother, my brother's unfortunately for them live near my mom. Like, so she's like leans on them so much. My mom called my brother one time and asked, how can I tell if my TV is on? I'm watching the news, but I can't tell. My brother's like, I don't even know what you are asking. Look at the TV and say, she's like, well, there's nothing on the screen. He's like, so it's probably off. She goes, but it seems on. He hangs up with her and immediately calls me. He's like, you're not gonna believe it. I like we have to 5150. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to commit her tonight. Yeah, dude. We watched, we watched Jackie, like the, That's a great Christmas movie. That we watched, we watched the, The Jackie O'Nassis movie. And my mom was drunk and she kept being like, that's nothing like Jackie. She doesn't sound like her all night at one point. I was like, man, shut the fuck up. And then she cried. And that was the end of the fucking, I felt so bad. And I had to be like, no, I'm sorry, but like, You finished the movie? No, should we stop the movie? It was a fucking nightmare. It was so bad. But she kept, every time Jackie was talking, she was like, that's not what she sounded like. This doesn't work. And I was like, I initially had to, I bet you, I bet you, Because we know how you feel about people talking to her in movies. That's it. Family or not, they're getting the fucking, they're getting hammered by the, Mike Mitchell. I loved my mom. It was a very sad moment. That's your favorite Christmas memory. Yeah. That's a tough one. How does that end? You just get fucked up or? Yeah, I get like, I like- You just get so drunk, you try and then pass out. Yeah, basically. When you wake up, you're like, I'm sorry, mom. Yeah. We went upstairs and ate some lobster, because we do lobster rolls and clam chowder on Christmas night. Oh shit. That's the most Boston shit ever. That's making my dick hard. That's an awesome move. We try to do seven fishes on Christmas Eve. Seven fishes is awesome. Yeah. We cop out a little though, because we do a salmon, a lox and whitefish bagel first thing in Christmas Eve. Okay. So that's bang out two fish that way. Okay. So it's a little bit of a cop that way. Still. Yeah. I think, I like that. I like stealing the good shit from cultures. I might try and get seven fishes in the mix. Yeah. The most important thing I do is that I do seven fishes on Christmas Eve and then Chinese food and like, I do Italian and Jewish, which is the only cultures I would, I was raised around. What's the Greek? What is the Greek thing? We don't really have, I mean, it's one of those things where like Greek Christmas is like December 26th. It's like, they always have like Greek Easter. It's the day after your Easter. Yeah. Well, Greek people actually, like, first of all, our Santa Claus is St. Veselios. It's not St. Nick. It's St. Veselios. Cardinal law how to move around. No, no, no. Greek priests are the ones who don't fuck you. It's nice try, Catholic. I won't be fucking lectured by a Catholic about priests fucking children. Thank you very much. You're thinking of the Greek army. You're thinking of the Greek philosophers, army, every other type of Greek. Yeah. We invented the steam room. Yeah. Yeah. Greeks had already gotten it out of their system by the time pre-Jephard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. It's time organized for the week. We got it out of our system when we were young civilization. All the philosophers fucked boys to their hearts content. Look, maybe that makes you good at math. I don't know. I'm bad. I'm bad at math. I'll never know. But yes, and technically, different. Yeah. Yeah. Here. Look. Different time. Four thousand years ago, you can fuck kids. It was different. Yeah. Well, yeah. It's not. I wasn't all woke back then. We didn't have a woke age of consent. And so, St. Veselios is supposed to come on New Year's Day, actually. Whoa. So Greek people in Greece. And my parents tried that a couple years, and then it was like, you're not beating American culture. Like, you gotta give us our fucking presents. Do you talk about St. Nicholas the way other religions talk about Jesus? Like, he was an important man. He was a nice man. Yeah. No, no, for real. He's a different saint. He's a good saint. He was like some St. like fucking Asia minor somewhere. He's like in Turkey or something. And yeah. And, but we're not, but he didn't have, he didn't do shit with gifts. No, no, no. That was St. Veselios. The power of Christmas is super powerful. I grew up around a ton of Jewish people, and I would say 50% of them got Christmas trees and Christmas presents. It's completely cultural. Because they were like, we could be secular Christmas celebrators. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, why not? Fuck it. I'm not religious at all. I'm not like, thank God Jesus was born. I think it's, it should go both ways. I want to, I want some potato lackeys and celebrate Hanukkah. It should go both ways. Hanukkah sucks dick. Jewish people should invite me over. Yeah. But Hanukkah sucks dick though too. It's not like a fun holiday. No, they don't even care that much about it. They just kind of tried. They were like, it just falls on the same, around the same time as Christmas. So they tried to be like, well, we had, it'd be like if your friend had a play stage, you're like, uh, I have an Atari. You know what I mean? And they're like, no one fucking cares. Fuck you're stupid. We get socks and like fucking play cradle. Every religion is like, we are completely different. And we are the one true religion. Weirdly enough, all our big holidays are on the same day as yours. And it's like, oh, that also happens to be around the vernal equinox, which is the pagan holiday, the longest night of the year. It's always like everyone's like, yeah, Christianity is real. So why do we all do something on December 25th? Mitch is getting upset. Mitch is texting his priest right now. I did love when you were going insane and like, you were religious for like, you're like scared of ghosts and shit. You're like praying to God. Mitch texts his priest. His priest is like, wait, we haven't done this in 25 years. Well, well, well, look who it is. You said you'd never call me after your eighth grade graduation. After I told you Santa wasn't real. I, I, I, I told you that I, first of all, when I was Santa, they promised me to go to a, this is, this is just completely off track. But I just remembered they promised me to go to that Foxboro game where the Patriots, the snowball. Who is they? Oh, wow. Yeah. The, the, the family. Yeah. Who is they? The family. The elves. What I was saying that they promised me. She's like, you are absolutely, you sound absolutely like when I was Santa Claus, they told me I could see Tom Brady playing. You promised me if I put the Santa's tree on. He was like, he told me if I was a good boy and with the Santa's suit and didn't tell nobody what we was doing, I could go see Tom Brady in the snow. Tom Brady's going to throw me a snowball and I'm going to catch it. I'm drunk. I kind of passed from Tom Brady. We talked about that. But I went, I went to go. I kissed Tom Brady on the lips while he's getting a massage. He tricked him. He put on a little dinosaur teaser. I, I, I caught a pass from Brady that, you got me all off track. All right. Who, who told you he could go see the Patriots, the family? The family they're like Santa for. Okay. They pulled it out from under. And then they didn't give it to you. They didn't give it to me because the cousin wanted to go. So I was so fucked up. I know I was fucked up. And then it was like one of the best games of all time, but, uh, the, their cardinal law was at my confirmation, the bad guy from spotlight. The villain from spotlight. The villain from spotlight. You said your confirmation was there. The arch molester. Did you get a credit in spotlight? The special thing. Yeah. Story, story credit. Every kid that got molested got a story credit. Also, don't look up the Quincy Mayer's thoughts on the, uh, on the Catholic priest scandal. Don't look it up. That's all I'll say. Don't look it up. And then, uh, I, I, when I, when I got, when I got what was long COVID, which I don't know how many of your viewers believe in it or not, but I, I, I got long COVID and, uh, I, I was, I had vertigo and I thought I was insane and I bought holy water online from Amazon. From Amazon. That is incredible. It's incredible. It's crazy specific. I've ever heard. It's incredible. And it stained your wall. It stained my wall from the river Jordan. My friend, my childhood friend was on the air. That sounds like an explanation. Fully from a faucet. It stained the wall. Yeah. It stained the wall. I think that maybe was. It stains all of my wall. It's from holy water. But the moment that I knew I was. Jordanian river water turns up under black light. And I guess I was drinking out of it too. And they say actually, if you use holy water, your DNA is in it. They told me if I did the DNA in the holy water, I can go to the red socks game. I can meet the green monster. I knew it was going to be a big, you got fucking. I knew it was going to happen at some point. I was, I was blessing my house. I got two bottles of holy water. I was blessing my house. Because I got back up holy water. I got back up holy water. Case one of the, case one of the Amazon holy waters was, was a sham. You guys, there was actually two different. I think one was like Amazon holy water. The other one was. And it was on a big, hard plant. It was on a big, hard plant. It was on a big, hard plant. Dude, they have priests in there. They're not allowed to take a bathroom break until they bless all this fucking water. Priest wearing diapers, blessing holy water. That's where they move the priest to. In the warehouse. Cardinal, I was like, you got to go to fucking Amazon warehouse. So I was like, strike. But I was blessing it. And when I realized I was crazy, was when I was outside my house, blessing it. My neighbor saw me blessing my house. And I was like, Oh, you fucking have lost your mind. There's nothing like a brief moment of realizing you're being observed to undo everything you're doing. You're like, you're like, my energy is off. I could just see it in the other person's eyes that I got to get my shit together. And by the way, like Greek people get priests to come and like bless their house all the time. Like if you had a priest do it, I would have been like that's stupid, but whatever. Buying it from Amazon. It's just like, this is definitely not. And that wasn't real. It was a real thing. Believing in it. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's already stupid to believe in it in my book. And then they go one below it and order it off Amazon. I was like, I do believe in it. And I also believe this will help. My Amazon book of the dead, like a fleshbound book that I was reading for. I was trying everything I could. I was fucking. Get a task rabbit. Hope a priest is on task rabbit. I drove by the murder house. I was dating my neighbor. I drove by them. You were dating your neighbor. He said I was dating my neighbor. This is the truth. This is new lore. I love it. I was dating my neighbor. You could see into her bedroom from my kitchen. That's how you met. She saw you with binoculars. That's not how I met her. You had to pretend you were at the hospital. You were like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, please. Don't call the cops. And then your romance turned your date. I'll date you. Yeah. I didn't even lie. That was not. You got a fucking telescope looking at her fucking tits through the kitchen window. We're exclusive. You're my girl. You throw a fucking paper airplane. It says you're my girlfriend now. Like Wiley Coyote has to sign. You're my girlfriend. You didn't need a telescope. They were so close. I wasn't spying in her window to be clear. Ever, ever, ever. I mean, the laziest thing I've ever heard is just to start dating a neighbor. I did. That is like the most like. That is a fat guy. That is spiritually fat. Come over here. Have I sit on your porch with like a fucking hoagie? Come over here. Somebody left my jersey bikes on your stoop. Can you bring it over here and give me head please? That was your meet you, M-E-A-T. You got rib-eyes delivered and they actually send them to her fucking house. Yeah. Do me a favor, Mr. Postmates driver. Can you put this with a heart on it and my neighbor's house? I actually, I went over there and I did not. I knocked on her door because I needed to put a ladder in the alley and I knocked on her door and it was very pretty lady. And I was like, Hey, I put a ladder in her house. Yeah. Yeah. But that's not something you end up with. Because the telescope didn't work. Yeah. I got to put a step ladder in her alley. I knocked her door. I had to change the batteries on all the fucking listening devices I had in her house. Change the battery on the micro cams. I think the hard drive on your toilet can is full. Hey, can I just put a small ram? Can I have an external hard drive to my toilet can? There's actors like that, but that's not me. There's plenty who do shit like that, but I'm not one of them. But I was like, I was like, Hey, and I was kind of like, can I get your landlord's number? She's, yeah, I'll give it to you. And then she's like, what's your number? She took my number and then we started talking. And she said that I didn't pick up on like her. She was like, like, how's your Christmas neighbor? And I was like, it's good. And she was like, I was trying to like hang out with you when you didn't get it. And then we hung out later and we did. How's your Christmas? Because I saw that you were sitting in front of your Christmas tree jerking off. And I saw how your Christmas is. You're just yelling at ghosts. Be gone, spirit, be gone. Yeah, you think it's Jacob Marley or something? I didn't learn a single lesson. They're just all gone. But we drove by this murder house in Los Feliz. And then she went away to go up to Northern California to a weed farm. And then I was alone. She now has moved to. She's not my name anymore. She's gone. But I and I still your girlfriend? No, she's not. Oh, yeah. So I did she move or break up? Did you guys break up or did she move first? Which happened first? Broke up and then she moved. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, you're going to be like, am I going to live next to my ex? But yeah, that was complicated. He still got that fucking ladder out there. I don't even think he should be on that thing. I don't even look at the package. Let me see what the. He's got that ladder. And there's a bunch of rope that broke. And there's a bunch of nooses that broke in half. He's going to Home Depot. Be like, what hell's wrong with 320? I went to see her mother on the phone with Home Depot's customer service. You said it was rated for up to 350. I want a full refund. That's just like when you come to my house, I have a sex swing on the floor and four holes. I went for my new girlfriend to move into that place. Wherever she is. You buy it and become the landlord. Send a headshot with credit score. Looking for curvy podcast nerd. Just to show you. You're going to get the wrong people with that. Yeah. That's shooting at us. So we drove by the murder house and then she went after her in California. So I was also just alone. And I watched a documentary on it. They were like, after I went to the house, my lights are going off and then my motion lights started to go off and I got vertigo. And then there was a weird thing on my security camera where I thought I heard it go. I heard about this. I thought I heard a ghost say yes and breathe. Turns out that it was, the yes was this from this is sports center and I was fast forward. His buddy stayed with him, watched what he thought was ghost footage. And he thought it was scary. He did think it was scary. And I had vertigo. I'd never dealt with shit like that before. And I was like, I was losing my mind. It was crazy. And then, and then all that shit went away, luckily, but it was fucking terrifying. Thank God. I never had that. I am. I never lost my mind. I am the most cowardly of the three big boys here. I don't know about that. I'm pretty cowardly. Yeah. I don't know about that. Jack's a bit of a. I think we're not cowardly in our own ways. Yeah. I'm not afraid of any supernatural shit, but other stuff like birds. I don't fuck with birds either, actually. I don't trust them. I'm fucked up. I'm predictable. No, dude. Yeah. Like little dinosaurs. Vietnamese people. I don't think cowardly is the word. I'm not scared of supernatural stuff or like when you say that. Wearing a U.S. They say Santa. Santa. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. As long as they come here correctly. As long as they come to the north. I'm afraid of the other people who bought that. Santa. Yeah. There's a fucking. There's a fucking. That's a fucking baller. Santa. I'm like my cowardly thing is I'm always afraid to be in somebody else's way. I think it's like a whole like a fact. It's a bad one to have as a big guy. No, I feel like I'm constant. It activates my claustrophobia that I feel like I'm in somebody's way. Like I like at restaurants, I'm just like sucked in standing against the wall. So like a guy with a tray, I'm not in anybody. I like that's my bigot. And that's a real bitch move to me. Like everyone else is like confidence. Like, this is my space. I'm like, no, I love that's I'm the same way. I literally work out so I can keep my legs together when I'm sitting in theater. And I bask in all dudes because yeah, you all three of you almost went to a Knicks game together. And I was wondering what kind of neon knee burn you would have. I said to Zach, I was like, I'm going to put my arm around you at the Knicks game, which I did. It is crazy because I've been like that too. Free subspace. When you're because it's not like we're all gut guys, we're also shoulder guys. So it's like when you're sitting next to each other, you kind of got to be like, this is actually the most comfortable way for me. A double, a double like arm around taking turns, putting your arms around. I go on a date with a woman. I got I'll tell her that I'm like, if I put my arm around you, it's not me trying to make a move. Like I don't have space to go here. If I put my arm around grabbing your tits, by the way, if I put my hands and eat something to hold on to, it's a medical, it's a medical issue. If I put my arm around you, you can suck on my tip. You know, John, you said restaurant and we have to go eat at one. So we should probably do some questions from our audience. Oh yeah. Good thinking. Even though I am having a wonderful time chatting with the fellows, they're gonna see us walk in and be like, oh, they're gonna be pissed. Bus at the old 76er. You hear it like. Hit us with a kid. It's with a question here, little eldest. Hey, what's up, Scott? Whatever guest you have on and watching the show and stand up for a while. So I've managed to get a bunch of my girlfriend's friends to hate me after being falsely accused of cheating. So I went to my girlfriend's best friend's destination wedding. OK, you're at the after party and I was just chilling at the open bar and I started having a good conversation with a pretty attractive girl who was the bride's cousin. I didn't make a pass. I had a visitor. I even let her use my phone to call her boyfriend. My girlfriend took notice of us talking after like 20 minutes and she made a scene about it. But we made up and that was that come to find out that after we get home from this wedding that multiple people apparently saw us go into a bathroom together. I had no idea what they were talking about. And the girl herself completely denied anything happening. I thought about it for a couple of weeks. And remember that we both walked to separate bathrooms and she couldn't find the light switch. So I legitimately walked in with the door open for all about five seconds, which was apparently enough for people to notice. So all their friends in this wedding spread this rumor that I definitely cheated even after the girl denied it. And now they won't stop slandering me. A lot of the girls are hairdressers. So now it's become like town gossip. And now after saying the worst community to piss off about not being in the bathroom, which is completely untrue. I just didn't remember because it was such an insignificant moment. With that previously explained to her and her husband, but apparently in their minds I lied. So that's nice. So now all these people dislike me for something I 100% did not do. And I have no idea how to navigate this because I'm so pissed off that they are assaulting my character when cheating is so against who I am. And I want to stand up for myself and I have no problem with confrontation. You can tell. I don't know how I should do it. And this whole thing is affecting my girlfriend's friendships, which I feel really terrible about. So should I just let it rock because my girlfriend knows I didn't do it? Should I tell these people off like I really want to? You know, gossip usually doesn't affect me, but being called a lion cheater is a striking nerve, man. I don't know. No, you appreciate it. Any input appreciated. Thanks. I feel a little bit like this guy needs us to co-sign him and then he can like play it. He's even on the Stobby podcast. They agreed. Like they said they verify. He's like, they also agreed I didn't cheat. I think he's going to be less pissed off as my friend. He's so pissed off. I mean, of course he would be pissed off, but even just like he's like my fucking character. It's possible. I believe he maybe didn't do it, but he's he's talking about it exactly like someone who did do it. When he said, as I previously already told her and her husband, that's very like I got caught style language. Maybe you just need to get at the source. Yeah, you saw us going to the bathroom together and I didn't know what the fuck they were talking about. Then I remembered that we did go in. Even for us, we're like, wait a second. You went to the bathroom. So, yeah, here are your two options either. I like I love that advice where it's like just act, but cool or like someone accused of you, something you didn't do. These are dumb. Who cares what these dumb bitches think? He's fucking dumb fucking hair stylist who gives a fuck. Tell him to fuck. You can just be like, I didn't do that. Whatever. If his girl believes like if his girlfriend believes him, totally. That is what matters. That also is maybe not to say like women have to do all the emotional work here, but that might be a little bit of her job to kind of say to her friends, Hey, I don't think he cheated. I'm staying with him. Can you stop rattling it off at the fucking salon? Yeah, you either do that or everybody thinks you fucking cheated anyway. Just cheat. Just cheat. And that way you're even and that way you can blame them if you got caught. Be like, you did this and you let the girl use your phone so you have her boyfriend's number. Yeah, you can get in touch with her. You should tell this girl. You should be like, listen, tell everyone I didn't cheat or I'm going to fucking pretend we did. I did fuck you and I'm going to tell your husband. You fucking whore. You back up at some point. I'm going to just say you're right. I did. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Take her down with you. Be a comic. She agrees with him. She says she did that they did. That's what I would say he cheated with all the hairdressers. Yeah, he fucked the hairdressers. Here's the issue. If you go to so far as to be like, I'm getting a lie detector test, people will then think you are cheating. Yeah, there's no real way to win it, I guess. No, you got to just kind of do like the politics and thing and that comedians also do you just start ignoring it and never speak to it, never give it any oxygen and just live your fucking life with everyone thinking like, didn't he date a high school girl? And so I got to keep moving. Is that a specific thing? Specific, but not for just one comment. Yeah, are we talking about the word just dated him or the one who kind of had a weird cult of high school girls? He was texting. There's a few. There's a few. With like three of them. Yeah. More of this story, but he's like, they started to go in the bathroom and then also they saw us kissing and I did remember that that. Right. And I was giving them out the mouth. A stand up. I'm like, I'm standing above the. You know where the light switch was? So I put my tongue to the back of her tooth. I remembered I had given another guy my belt. So my pants wore down because I was trying to be a nice guy. It's like a Rube Goldberg. There is something to if everybody like it's that episode of Sopranos where everybody thinks Tony got hooked up with Adriana. Yeah. And he and he just like, you know what? I can't clear my name. I'm just going to act like I I'm just going to act like I did it. And I'm telling everybody to fuck off and get over it. And I think at a certain point you have to just be horrible. I think I think it didn't work out well for him in the show. But but it's also like the only that's the only move you have. My point wasn't good. And also, who are we kidding? He would have fucked her. Yeah. I would have. Yeah. They just got in a car accident or else he would have 100 percent. So clearly what was happening. This is what this guy like, you know, this guy is with him suffocating his nephew in a car. Hold. Take those air-dressers on a nice long drive. Get in a car accident and just hold their fucking noses shut. Introducing the Joey pants. But I just think like you either have to let this go or act as someone who cheat like if you did cheat, would you be this mad and indignant? Or would you just want to let this go away? Yeah, you'd probably just want to try and let this go away. So just you've you've been dealt this hand. Who gives a fuck? Keep it pushing. Maybe your girlfriend wouldn't be friends with these people. And also like, you know, maybe consider moving you and your girlfriend from not to be not to take too much from your cadence, but it feels like you've never left your hometown. So maybe move somewhere else with this girlfriend that you love. Yeah. You don't have to be, you know, where Gabris went to high school your whole life. I definitely played lacrosse with this guy. He was with another one. He played D2 Lacrosse and this fuck, MTA cop. Different psych test. What else we got, Big L? Hi, Stove. I don't want to say my name, but I am such a big fan of yours. I just saw your photo at the Venice Film Festival and it looks so cute and I'm so proud of you. Thank you. But my question today is about one of my best friends, Mimichaeli from Middle School, we're both in our late 20s and within the last like three years, one of the only things she like invites me to do is to go spend time at her boyfriend's mom's place. And the first couple of times, like when it's for a Christmas party, it's like whatever, you know, mom's at a pool. It is Christmas after all. But to think about this mom is like, she has offered me fucking cocaine before. And that just really makes me a possible when a person who's my parents age, if not a little bit older, is like still doing cocaine. She does it with my friend. And this woman, she moved out of that house and now lives in an apartment complex and my friend's like, Oh yeah, she's got a nice pool. It's like a good place to drink and have beers. And I'm like, dude, we're in our late 20s. Like I feel like we should still be going out and like doing fun shit and not hanging out with a bunch of middle aged people. Like I'd rather spend time with my parents. So my question is like, am I a bitch for like saying that to her? Or is that reasonable? Like it's not my fucking boyfriend's mom. And I would never ask that of her crazy, you know, in the reverse. So I don't know. Let me know what you think. Stop. Oh, also hi, Aldis and hi, guys. OK, bye bye. Yeah, I mean, this is fucking insane. Yeah, it's wild. This the whole thing was for me finding out that the girl does do the other. Her friend does coke with her boyfriend's mom. Yeah, with her mother-in-law with her. Like, yeah. On a fictional mother-in-law. You act up with your in-laws. That seems like a fucking night. Yeah, I mean, this is either the weirdest, most fucked up call. Like this girl is like about to get like sexed into some weird middle aged like Polly community. Yes, it felt a little like that. It feels like or it's the exact opposite. And it's like she is going to marry this guy and she literally loves her mother-in-law to the point where and they're both dirtbags. They're like, yeah, it sounds like they're both like a little bit of party chicks. Like we can go hang out by their complex pool. And we live in LA. You know what a complex pool vibe is. It's crazy. Imagine going out there with like some friends and drinking with all and like opening that up to all your neighbors and being like 50, being like 48 and being like fucking like with your daughter and getting cocaine. Like that's nuts, dude. She's right, right? Like that is weird. I think it's weird for sure. But I'd also like if she doesn't want to, if you don't, one thing you have to learn by your late twenties is if you don't want to do something, you don't have to. You don't have to anymore. 100%. My question is she said the only thing she invites me to is this. Does her friend do other things and just not include you? Like are you her Duke Coke with my boyfriend's boyfriend? Oh, yeah. She's going to theme parks every other night. Not invited there at that Juno's school. Fun shit. If that's all she's doing and she's inviting you, that's less weird to me. Right. Because then it's like, oh, she wants to see you and all she's doing is doing coke by the pool. That's kind of how I read it. But I know what you're saying. But if she's doing other stuff and you're just that friend. Yeah, you've been relegated to that friend. You're like, you're rich boat friends that she's always going. And then like her, she's like, what about me? And you're like, well, you can come over to my mom's house and do coke in the complex. We go to the laundry room and cut up a line on top of the dryer. We know this trick. We get the quarters out. We do laundry for free. If you if you're pretty much really fast, you get her back. Be quick. You know what? I'll take a bullet for you. I'll go hang out with them. You don't have to go anymore. Just let me know what the deal is. By the way, I'm 100 percent down to go hang out with a bunch of middle aged coca. It's a poor man. Bull comp. Like that is my mind. I would show up. I'll fuck whoever you need me to honestly, if there's a week, kind of exactly or in the in the age range where it's like, if there's a party where they have like trashy late 40s, early 50s and then like weird 28 year olds, I'm like, I'm good either way, brother. Those are my two types. Sign me the fuck up drunk 50 year olds and weird 28 year olds. That's my fucking spectrum right there. But yes, I think like that's a good point. Like I read it as her friend is just weirdly you meet these people that sometimes kind of like only hang out with their significant others. Yeah, it feels like she's done that in a very weird way. Yeah, we're like, like so her boyfriend does coke with his mom on the regular. There's also a weird detail in there where she's like, we used to go to her house, which may be like a house could be a party scene. But then when she's like, she just moved into an apartment complex, you wonder she get like a divorce. She's going bad. I'm losing all their money on cocaine. All the time she just moved from a house to an apartment complex. Easier upkeep. Yeah. At the house is halfway between what and what? They just call it the halfway house. I got off from a coke this weekend. It was at a bar this weekend. I was out and it was you got from a coke at six in the morning. Whoa, you were at a bar at six in the morning. I was at a bar. I mean, he's assuming you already did it. But I was like, I'm 43 years old and it's six in the morning. That and like you've said before, like, you don't see a lot of fat guys in their forties who do coke. No, you can't do coke if you're a fat comedian. It literally kills you eventually. I literally when I turned 30, I was like, no more cocaine. Yeah. If I lose weight, I can do cocaine again. It's beef. That's a fun cocaine. That's the carry. I don't need an extender on the airplane. I can do coke again. Which I have to undo my Santa bells, which is fucking pathetic. The Santa bells are too tight. It's a bad sign. The idea of like a weird training montage where when finally Stavi like gets on the scale and it says like 240 and he just glass around. I was like, yeah, the tiger. Sorry, this is just because of my shoulder. I would say also I have I have friends who like ask me to do things I don't really want to do and I'll usually do I'll do like a once a year. This podcast. If you still want to. Yeah, it's this. Yeah, yeah. Right. This ass. You want to dress up as Santa? New podcast. Yeah. Thank God you're only doing these once a year. But if you still want that person in your life, you can throw him a once a year bone and just kind of say no all the other times. And also you can just you can invite her to not weird shit. Yeah. You like the onus comes on you a little bit now. You're like, oh, I don't really. Or I'm busy. Why don't we fucking go get brunch tomorrow? Like just literally bring my mom. Bring my mom in love. I am fascinated by this dynamic. I would love to know more about it. Hang with the mom thing. I had no problem with that. That was pretty. I know, of course not. Yeah, no shit. You and your mom do cook together. No, no, my mom. No, we've never done. We have never done. We've never done coke before. She was she's a million miles away from any sort of even weed. I don't think she ever smoked weed. But but the coke thing with your mom is fucking bizarre. Yeah, that is bizarre shit. Yeah, but hang out with her every day. That's kind of your speed. Yeah. Bought a house and then moving back in with her for 40 days every holiday season. Have your tuck you in. Yeah, from Christmas till Valentine from Thanksgiving to Valentine's Day. And I was about to say, you don't know what it's like when your dad dies. And you just start like. I actually do. That is actually one of the few things you got your ass. You're a weird mommy bullshit. You can fucking call you on it because his dad also died. The reason I'm so I'm so easy. It's so easy for me to be mean to Mitch is because I just move from self deprecating to deprecating. What do I say to myself? Whatever the opposite of affirmations are. This is a fight. This is what I say in the morning. I just say him to Mitch instead of my. I'm your Edward Norton. Your Edward Norton. Have your Edward Norton. Edward Norton. Edward Norton. That was our other fat. I did the zap bound for your for our fat. Our. You got a drink big Irish. Yeah, your new nickname. They're calling you guardian cap, right? Oh, fuck. Anyway, whatever. Fucking invite this bitch to go for a walk or whatever. Next question. It's weird. That's weird. It's fucking weird. Therapy Clinic, one of Europe's leading aesthetic clinics, has arrived in Cheltenham with over 100,000 five star reviews and more than 10 million treatments performed. Therapy are industry leaders in laser hair removal, cosmetic injections and advanced skin treatments. With over 85 clinics globally and a team of more than 200 doctors, therapy deliver safe doctor led treatments at accessible prices. For verification, head to therapy clinic dot com or visit therapy clinic Cheltenham today, located on the high street. Yo, what's up? I'm currently taking a shit in the bathroom at work. Nice dude. Time to look like Mr. Lunt from VeggieTales. But anyway, I got a VeggieTales reference. That's kind of tearing the friend group apart. It's kind of funny. We were doing, they were doing a bachelor party for one of my buddies. They're all floating in the lake up north. And. One of my friends asked one of my other friends who's not very athletic to throw him. His $300 pair of sunglasses. So we throw them in. He missed his wide lap. Thanks to the log with a lake. Oh, shit. And so now. My friend whose sunglasses they were. They were. Is demanding that my other friend pays for his $300 pair. No, just wipe and wrap this story up. But yeah, it sounds like he's eating. It was water like well, I'm on the book. This is it. There's nothing else. This guy's yeah, we can we can. This is ridiculous. Imagine me and the other person shitting in that bathroom. You're in this fucking drone on. You did your duty. No, spoiler alert. There was a F slur. OK, thank you. Thank you for allowing the call through. Well, this is a very simple, a very simple answer where the guy says a slur. I was like, yep, that'll do it. But. Excellent producing yet again. Perfect Christmas call. I mean, what this person should do. It's. If the guy who threw the glasses in the lake offers to buy him a new pair, he can say yes. If you ask someone to throw you your glasses, you are the level of case. You are the level of wealth that you're saying, throw me my three hundred dollar glasses. I'm in the lake. Yeah. And if that guy fucks up, that is on you, bro. Hundred percent. Do not you cannot ask that guy. The guy has no case whatsoever to ask for new glasses. It's completely on you to be like and he was probably even at the level of well, he's probably if he's friends with this guy, he's probably fucking stupid. Yeah. So it's just those guys who has like a car lease that's like taking him down financially. A hundred percent. Like a three hundred and fifty dollar polarized Oakley that he wears when he works in the squad. Yeah. It's your fault they didn't land on my face. Yeah. I mean, this is this is one of the stupidest requests I could possibly think of. You're being careless with your expensive thing. And it's on you. That's it's over. And I don't even know how close they are as friends, but totally seems like none of these guys are very close as friends. Yeah. Imagine your life is so boring that your friend, one of your friends throws another friend's sunglasses in the lake and you're like, I finally have a reason to call Stavi. This is the craziest thing that's ever happened to me. This is like this. They're like this has sparked a debate in their friend group. He's like it's tearing the friend group apart. It's like, how were there even opposing sides? How fucking stupid are you guys? I'm I'm I'm nervous. Shit talking to this guy because I do feel like he's going to go up to random Santas and be like, you guys. Yeah, I got the fucking fuck salvation. Army is going to get cold. Because you guys gave me the wrong advice. I wonder if the sunglasses guy is like the rich guy who invites people to shit because often rich guys are the ones who are that dickish about. Hundred percent. Expensive shit, bro. Yeah, my richest friends are the guys who were like, can I have $20 for the valet? And never remember. And my brokest friends are the ones who are like, I got this dinner. And so that might be why there is even any debate. Yeah, because everyone's like, I got to hang out. He has the boat, you know, like he's got the lake house. Right. You know how many coaches people have asked me to pay for because I sit on them and they fold in half. Brother, straight up, I was going to say, I broke Ben Rogers couch one time. I broke Ben's couch. I was like, I'll buy you one. He's like, we'll go to IKEA and I went we went to IKEA and I bought him like a $300 couch. We fucking moved it back into his house together. I was like, this is fucking embarrassing. Already so embarrassed. And he's like, OK, yeah, I'll take you up on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I did offer. He didn't say I had to. I don't have to worry about weight. He's never, never. Inviting any of us over, he's like signing a waiver for your couch. There's no, you don't get to. In for a penny, in for a half. In for a penny, in for three hundred and eight. No, I live in Bro. The best shape of my life. The last 10 years, I'm three hundred and eight pounds. I'd be too heavy to wrestle as a super heavy weight. I remember when we shot the birthday boys, this sketch show that I did because a lot of people have no idea what that means. But yeah, they got a world war. Sounds like a different themed porno you were in. Instead of saying it's the Christmas boys eating cake and fucking each other. The ass with the little pointy hats. Blow out the candle. He's talking about his dick. I guess I'm a lowercase. I years old. I was a sketch show. They bought, they bought, they bought, they had, they were like, we have a vintage. It's known as like the top six funniest IFC sketch shows. Always on slightly off. It was a vintage army cot. They were like, we got a vintage army car for this army skit. And they were like, we just got to return it, like be careful with it. And I laid in it and it was like right to the fucking ground. It's so bad. And she was like, it's fine. You can tell that it was like awful news and fucking suck. When I hosted a game show on the my first day there, I broke two different chairs. And one of them was a barber chair. Like a huge fucking red base. I got on it just. The thing just bent underneath it and I fucking tipped over. And the other chair I sat in at lunch and all four legs just played out. They all bending steel. That's a real tough. The sunglasses thing reminds me to my buddy, Justin Tyler, a mutual friend of ours. He, his, his mom has a lake house. We used to jump off this cliff and we would take bull rips, hold it in, jump off the cliff, hit the water, come out and breathe it out. Like this like challenge we would do. Yeah, brother. Yeah, it was so sick. I said, maybe I'm talking about this like it was like it wasn't eight years ago. Or something like that. Wasn't 36 when I did it. I'm talking about it like I was a teenager. But the guy who went last would either have to jump with the lighter in the ball. And then this Justin's brother went last. He's like, we're all in a boat waiting for him to jump off. And we're like, fuck it, throw it. He throws a lighter off like this 50 foot cliff and it goes directly into one guy's hand. And we were like, that's fucking awesome. Then he turns, throws the ball and misses us by like 70 feet. He goes immediately into one and six. We're like, the lighter was something we could get it. And like we were like, we were so cocky after the lighter. He's like, got it. The next one was sailed over us. We're like, oh fuck. What a different way. Fucking hilarious. But yeah, fuck your dumb ass friend. That's crazy to pit to ask for the glasses. He's a fucking idiot. He's like rolling calls on the toilet. He's like, hey, dough boys. I just. Bring it. All the same contacts or all podcasts. All protective services. I'm going to see him this week. Kids are so tired of the fucking sunglass story. What else? We got for us. Eldest, you think you could possibly top that question? Hey, stop. Hey, Eldest. Take a first time long time. I'm seeking your professional counsel on something that's really bugging me. So long story short, I have this bullshit corporate job where basically we work in teams of two on projects and do a bunch like reports and PowerPoints and stuff like that. It's kind of funny. It's kind of silly. But the problem is I've been working with a coworker, of course, who like routinely is just like just not working for most half day. So like on Monday or Tuesday, they come in and then they'll just stop working around like 11 o'clock or it's like new respect. Yes, it's a fun one. But that means on this project work, I'm not the one who has to do all of it. And like, I got a little curious about this. So I decided to do some investigating. And it turns out that this person is both a prolific erotic high fantasy novel author and a PhD student. So clearly they have other shit going on. Right. My question for you is what do I do about this? Typically, I'm all in favor of time, best at work, but not to the detriment of other people. And currently I'm on the receiving end of it. I mean, should I ask them for tips as to like how the better still time from our job? It's just like not really sustainable. I don't know what to do, man. Give me some help. Thanks. Sounds like you're tough because I'm immediately on the guy's side. I'm on the other person's phone and in at this job. That's like what I do professionally. You've learned you care and that's your biggest mistake. You give a fuck about this stupid fucking guy. He said it's some dumb corporate job. Yeah, it's silly and pretty funny. Pretty silly. I'm pretty funny, pretty silly. Yeah. So like he's working IFC. They're relaunching. Hey guys, I'm putting together the DVD of the birthday boy sketches. And this guy, we're trying to, we're trying to get mixed to fit into square format instead of widescreen. I mean, yeah, I don't, the thing is you, he's just got you by the ball. If she, we don't know who your coworker is, but they have basically identified you as a bitch that they can take advantage of. And now you decide how you play that because you can snitch, right? Yeah. That's not going to get you anywhere. Snitching never works. Or you could just be like, all right, well, why don't I just also not do anything and see what happens? Well, he said, should I ask him for tips? Yeah. Team up with them to do even less together. Yeah. Together to find a way to not even do what you were doing. Yeah. I would say there's, I, that would be my move. But if you really care about this job, which is like a you problem, maybe you just reach out to them and go like, look, I'm not saying you got to fucking strap in and go hard here. But if you did these two more things a week, it would save my ass. Just give them something actionable. Just say like, look, I know, I don't want to fucking do work either. But if you did this, if you just did this extra X amount of things I need, my life would be much easier. Yeah. You could have a conversation. Yeah. And I think that's the only move. If you talk to a boss about it, that you're wack. Oh, you're. Yeah. Yeah. It's also your fuck. Because we've all, I'm guessing I've 100% been this guy. Oh, yeah. The thing is, you're not going to beat him because or her, because she'll lose. They'll lose the job. They don't give a fuck. Yeah. I had a full-time job and I would show up at 11 and leave at 2. Yeah. I did too at one point. Yeah. It's fucking awesome. I was a PA at Best Week Ever and everyone got promoted over me because I was such a piece of shit. Such a bad employee. Just watch everyone else who started after me just keep getting promoted. I was like, I think it's time for me to quit. When I was in Simpsons, there was Eliza. I worked as this woman Eliza Hooper, great person. And I was going out to do auditions and shit. And you would know when you were being a pain in the ass and you'd have an open conversation. And she would be like, you're being fucking annoying. You know what I mean? You need to have a better relationship with that person and tell them that they're being annoying. Yeah. I think that's the best you could hope for because also for them that might even clarify it further. If I knew my coworkers would get off my dick, if I did a couple things, I would just do those fast. That's what I'm saying. Like it wouldn't be a huge ass because slackers would love to hear like, hey, if you do these two things every week, I'll never bother you. Yeah. By the way, their response is going to be like, yeah, fuck. I know. Like they're not going to push back. They're going to know that they're fucking up. It's 100%. Like also, by the way, I'm pissed off Santa. They never give you pockets and Santa pants. Do you notice that? It's fucking annoying. He has the magic bag. I know. But for a fat guy with a phone or something or anything, you don't have that. So you can't put your hand in your pocket while you have a kid on your lap. It's a bad look. That's true. That's a real bad look. You can Napoleon yourself a little bit. We got to go rodeo grip. Yeah, dude, fuck, you know, whatever. Unfortunately, this person has all the leverage here. Because you care about the job. They work at the Mayo Clinic as neurologist. Seeing people be crazy, I guess. We have to work in pairs because I'm the anesthesiology. They're doing this. He really just phones in the anesthesia. Just punches him in the fucking head. I don't want to do it. I'm just waking back up. We got a big mallet. I had that happen to me in a dream. You know how I watched so many action movies? You see they always just knock the guy out with one butt of the gun or one chokehold, takes him out, and then they're out for it narratively as long as they need to be. I had a dream that I couldn't. I was supposed to knock this guy out on a mission, and he wouldn't. And he was on the ground, and I'm on top of him, and I'm punching him in the face. And he's like, stop! And I'm like, just get knocked out. And it's so sad. And I'm upset in the dream that I'm just hitting this guy in the face in the head. And he's like, what are you doing? I'm like, I need to knock you out. I think that can only be played as Bullies' Remorse. Yes. He's no other way. It is like I'm Bullies' Nightmare. Mitch had the same dream in reverse. Stop hitting me. Cardinal Law, let's go. I'm entering the dream world again. It's been a while, because the CPAP machine, my part of my dream brain is like, it hasn't done anything for a long time. Yeah, I killed that with cannabis. I got to get that back. I got to try taking a day off weed for a lot of reasons. Requested by my doctor and lawyer. Yeah. Doctor, lawyer, parole officer. I took one week off and didn't eat a fourth meal, four days in a row, was the best I've ever felt. I'm like, well, I didn't want to know that weed was hurting me, so I'm going to just smoke until I forget that. Literally two days ago, I was like, I can smoke a little weed, destroyed all progress. And all I had was healthy shit. So I had like three, I like cut up protein bars with like cereal and like made a fat meal out of, and I didn't have peanut butter, so I had like PB powder. And I rehydrated it to make a shitty peanut butter. So I had like a spread. It was just like fat MacGyver shit. That I put sunflower seed butter on a Yasso yogurt bar. I was like, I figured it out. It's like, it's best I could do with the healthy shit in my cabinets. When you take low, like I'll take low calorie ice cream and just put so much shit in it, it's just bed and cherries. Like just shitty bed and cherries. I did it like the fake ice cream with mashed in like protein cookies. Like you're just like all the dumb shit you have in your cabinet. Fucking just chemicals. I went to Mumma's to today, had a chicken cutlet sub, a square slice, and then I went to Lindistry and I got a slice of cheese pizza, and then I went and got a cannoli at Rock Coast. God damn, boy. And then we're going to have a steak dinner. That's insane. I know, I'm fucking disgusting. And you also found time to get ham flavored potato chips. That is also true. Ham flavored, you catch a flavor to chips. Those are pretty good. And you did all this with insane gout, I can see. Rock hard crystal feet. I'm gonna just wear these things with shoes now. Your feet also jingle like Eldis' but it's crystal. What's going on? Get your fucking smashed up ankle bones. Eldis, you got something fun for us to go out on, little buddy? Yeah, we got an update. Remember from the Dan Soder and Vicky Yeohne episode, the woman who called in, she brought her best friend to her boyfriend's like big family reunion. Yes. And she fucked. Her best friend like fucked some guy, made a bunch of people like watch her baby while she went off. She's getting dick. And also like just got enough fight with people at this thing. Yes, yes, yes. So yeah, Cliff notes, our caller brought her friend to a family reunion for some reason, fucked some guy's boyfriend and like was a terror. I mean, it's hilarious. Did the fucking? No, no, the caller's friend. She basically brought a plus one, the plus one that was like a complete nightmare. So, and what if Macho Man and Andre the Giant say in response, was that a Dan Soder episode? Yeah. Take that Soder. Hi, Stav. Hi, Elda. Also, Elda, sorry for all the voicemails. I just saw the episode of Stavie and Dan. And I'm not sure the other guy's name. I'm sorry. Okay. But I was the bit that brought her shitty friend to a quote unquote family reunion. Or she got plastered and cheated on her fiance. And I just wanted to do a couple clarifying notes because I'm getting absolutely dogged in the comments. Okay, firstly, it wasn't 100% a family reunion. It was more of just like a way of their family and friends and really anyone that wants to come and party and eat food to get together for a weekend and do that and have fun and get plastered. Pause this. That's what she's getting dog. So they didn't have like matching t-shirts. Their family rented a cabin. And it was just, it's kind of almost weirder to not be a family reunion because then it's just like kind of back to that chick who hangs out with the like old lady at the pool. It's totally a little friend to come over. It's kind of like, yeah, fucking my aunt's an uncle's is going to get fucked up in a field. Bring some pussy. Bring some young trim. Yeah. But anyway, okay. It's not technically a family reunion. I love you. She's like, I'm getting dogged in the comments. Let me clear up some stuff. And that's the big clear up. It's like the logistics of the party invite. It's okay. Fine. It's not a family. Her family had a big ass, your family had a big ass party. Fine. Sorry. Go ahead. Secondly, her fiancee and her were having a really hard time. And while I'm not justifying her actions by saying that, I think what she did was her way of getting back at her fiancee, which is gross because they literally have a full ass kid together. Lass kid. Did I digress? While I don't like that she did embarrass me and my boyfriend at this get together, I can't just immediately drop her stave. And everyone in the comments that are telling me to do so, I can't do that because one, her daughter sees me as an aunt and I love that little kid so much and kill me. Not just either. That's fair. That's fair. That's a great point. Secondly, we live five minutes down the road from each other. So logistically just wouldn't work. You're losing me again. I really don't want to because I've known this bitch, my entire childhood and adulthood, she's been with me. And I love her and I really just don't want to drop her because you need one really shitty decision. Is it one though? The reason that her being invited next year was even a question was because his family really liked my best friend's daughter and so did all the other little kids and they wanted her to come back. Yeah, that's why. I bet the chick who's loose as fuck because we love her kid. I bet the guy who got hit in a porta potty isn't fucking putting up too many protestations in either. No, don't invite her back. She fucks people when she just meets him at the party. We can have someone like that making everyone's time better. Question. And then lastly, just because I'm not immediately ditching my best friend of 12 years doesn't mean I'm going to get drunk and she done my boyfriend. I know right from wrong. Did we accuse her of that? I guess they probably did in the comments. The comments. Okay, okay. Drop a bet immediately for making a super shitty decision. Okay. She sounds really defeated. Her and her fiance are still together. There's enough fucking clues for him to watch this. Okay. So you sound pretty far. Listen, you don't got to explain to me being annoyed by internet commenters. You don't have to explain that or having a scumbag friend that you're still friends with. Yeah. I mean, it's like I'm an entire fucking life. Yeah. Did you check that friend for five other people? Why don't you check out the performers list at the Riyadh comedy? I have some close friends that were making yucks for the fucking royal family, which it was essentially a family reunion. Yeah. So my friends and you know, I have some friends making more money than my parents ever made. And yes, just literally being in comedy. I am friends with people who are monsters, but they're fucking hilarious. And I got to say sometimes that's enough for me. So we get it. We totally. And look, sorry you got cooked in the comments. I don't remember what we said that was a while ago. It's Christmas after all. Yeah. But if you don't want to get cooked in the comments of a podcast, you could not call in. That's the second you open your open that Pandora's box is a two way door. Yeah. I mean, like, I don't, that's like three pun. Yeah. I don't think it's three different metaphors. I lost it at all. Yeah. Pandora's box is really a one way thing. You can see the box. You got to go into the box. I think you go into the box. It's like a ghost buster. What's the box? But I think that's fair. I look, I don't remember exactly what we told you. I'll be honest to you. And we probably just were having a good once Dan's in there, you know, we get to riff and we probably tore you to shreds and you didn't deserve it. It is weird though that your friend, you know, fuck some guy at the family, even if it's not a reunion at the family party, who she's a plus one. Yeah. Fucking a guy and fighting and making people watch your kids while you disappear for a long time. Well, fucking a guy at something that your kid is also at and like, like there is like, that's wild. That's a wild move. It's a bit of a wild move. But I get what you're saying. Like, he's like, we said, we have friends who are pieces of shit that are still in our lives. And we're not even saying your friends a total piece of shit. It's probably stressful to have a kid, especially in a bad, weird relationship. Yeah. And she's probably letting off a little steam, you know. It sounds like you're not that mad about it anymore. The comments aren't like a change.org position, petition where you have to do what they say. You can just kind of ignore them and hang out with your friends. I trust you who I think is a crazy person because you called into a podcast. Yeah. Right. So that's like already labels you. I trust you more than someone who comments on a podcast video. They're even crazier than the people call it. And so I would say just like, you know, chill. It's no big deal. You know, yeah, she fucked up. Now would I maybe chill on the invite next year? Yeah. Especially like, imagine, imagine her fiance do put it all on, you know, I guess he cheated on her. She cheated on him. Let's say it's even, you think he wants her attending the place she fucked some guy. Yeah. No. Your, your friend's kid can make friends elsewhere. You know what I mean? I mean, like, leave the kid at home and fuck the person there. That's fine too. The kid or your friend goes. Yeah. Yeah. You go with the kid. She, you get to watch her for a couple of days. How far apart are these parties? Because at some point a fiance should be a husband. Yeah. Like that's so much. But it does sound like they're rushing if they already have a kid. It's like, what are you rushing? Just health insurance. Yeah. I got, I got a hunch that their jobs don't include health insurance. Did you say head in a porta potty? Was that the actual specific? No, no, that's just, you know, a little. That's my fucking dream. Yeah. Yeah. Finally blowing a guy in a porta potty. Oh, I didn't even think I could be the guy getting my dick sucked. Something about that smell makes my mouth water. It's a cops gun. Fuck. I think that's going to do it for us. Wow. Oh shit. Our sleigh is here. Isn't it, Eldis? Oh. Wrong button, dickhead. Whatever. Fuck you. Well, Merry Christmas everyone. Slang king. Fellas, thank you so much for coming. Anything you guys want to plug? It's Christmas after all. We're going to have to put down so many reindeer. Sorry boys. After every, yeah. We're making a huge batch of reindeer tacos. That's true. It's reindeer-lead protein. I learned this recipe from Rogan. I'm best friend. Check out the fellas. They're the best. Thank you. Thank you for watching. Stavies, the Stavies World Christmas Special. Oops, all Santas. And we will catch you. Have a wonderful 2020. Well, next time we talk to you, it'll be 2026 folks. Look at that. Or actually, no, I think there's one more episode. Whatever. I think there's just Greek Christmas. Sure, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be, let's get three fat Greek guys. That would be awesome. It's just even the Vardalos. Vardalos is a fucking dream guess. We're still, I literally DM'd her to come to, when, when, let's start a cult, when I was doing like a premiere of my movie in LA, I just cold DM'd her. I was like, come on out. And she's like, I would, but I'm fucking, you know, she's busy or something. But my big fat Greek wedding, a masterpiece. And on that note, enjoy your Christmas. Every time we'll see Christmas to all and to all, a good night. Absolutely.