When YOU Feel Out of Control As A Parent... #562

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So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the call and parenting podcast So welcome. This is Kirk Vart founder celebrate calm. You can find us in our big winter sale at celebrate calm calm If you didn't listen to the first part of this go back and listen that now or just after you listen this episode So let's continue responding to some common comments from parents on our Instagram page and by the way I'd ask those of you who aren't following us on Instagram and maybe you're on TikTok or Facebook or whatever Follow our Instagram page look I hate social media But I believe we've we've created a supportive encouraging Positive community actually hearing this little space on our Instagram page and I'm very active there Interacting with parents. So this was good insight from a kid He said my brain hurts and I'm completely overwhelmed So please stop talking to me look for many of your kids after school, especially it's the end of the day They've listened to teachers talk to them all day long They've been instructed to do things that they don't want to do all day long And then you start in on them because you want to talk well It's not all about you and stop making it a disrespect thing because your child doesn't want to talk in the morning or after school Respect that and give them space. I promise you the more that you draw and leave these kids and respect them The more they will talk to you otherwise you're just being annoying. Okay, I want this was a great comment Now that my kids are teens I think they can handle a thorough Explanation of the repercussions of their actions and I hope to open a dialogue but Alas, it's not what they want to hear So think about this moms and dads think about a work project that you completed that was less than optimal Do you really want your boss to take you through a thorough Explanation of the repercussions of your action actions and dialogue about it really? Or do you want your boss to say hey? That wasn't your best work But I know you're capable of crushing it on the next project Let me know if you need some additional tools to help you, okay? And then you can initiate if you want the additional help Look imagine a less than stellar moment when you reacted to the kids or said something ugly to your spouse You know what you did was wrong. Do you really want your spouse to take you through a thorough Explanation of the repercussions of your actions? No, you're embarrassed by your actions and you don't want to just hash it out This would probably be better. Hey, I know that's now. I know that's not how you wanted to react Next time here are a couple options for how to handle that better and you keep it short and sweet You give actionable solutions for the next time and then you move on with a more positive encouragement Look, we all mess up. I know you'll handle it differently or better next time with your kids Obviously they can learn from the ramifications of Lovit losing their driver's license or their phone or their privileges But you don't have to go on and on Another parent said hey talking is how I process information or The stress of the moment and this is really good insight. It's how most of us kind of hash out issues We talk we get feedback we refine our opinions we get more feedback and refine more So a few thoughts for you one give yourself permission to not handle in the moment walk away You can say hey, I just need some time to think about this and go for a walk talk to your spouse about the situation first call a parent or a friend Walk your dog. I'm looking at some horses out here with the neighbors I go and talk to the horses why they have great advice and they always just listen to me and I get clarity on a lot of our Hikes but I've learned in life if I don't respond right away and I go for a hike a walk and I hash it out inside of myself first 99.9% of the time it just works out better If you need to talk then practice asking questions and being genuinely curious Not interrogating see just saying like hey, I'm curious take me through what was going on because I really want to learn and Help you see what I want to do with discipline is take it out like for take it from what were you thinking? You know how many times have I told you not to do that too? Hey, I'm curious think about that I really like this. I'm curious you just made a decision a choice You just did something that you know is wrong and that is going to have negative Consequences and so I'm curious. Why would you do something that hurts you? See usually our discipline and usually us wanting to hash it out is we want to prove our point and get our point across And it's more about that and it's almost like isn't it sometimes like marking off a checklist like well My child misbehaving did something wrong so I lectured him or her and so my job is done Isn't that true? Sometimes we fall into that trap with that checklist and it becomes more about like well I did my part and I brought it up But instead I want to problem solve and sing look you keep doing things that hurt you It's not about me these choices you're making keep hurting you and some curious Is there something that I could do to help you with that see I'm coming along Side my child instead of just staring at them and just endlessly lecturing them because those words just feel like Heavy weights and like condemnation all the time and I know many of you especially those of you who grew up And a lot of you in a very religious background It was all condemnation of everything was about wrong behavior and now I've got a lecture you about that and it just weighs on you Then a lot of us look a lot of us. I'm this I'm a ADHD person. I've got a very very busy brain and mouth And so my encouragement is this I know it's hard But you're hurting your relationships so you have to stop you can't keep making Excuses for this. Well, this is just the way I made well I could use that for ten different behaviors. I'm a man, right? Well, I'm a man, right? Like that's what let me get away with like a lot of things But I don't make excuses for that So that's why I want you to sit down and color and ask questions go to the bathroom That's just a great one any you don't need to go to the bathroom Why because most of your kids probably aren't gonna follow you into the bathroom unless they're really little And then you can take a walk clean or organize something Something that gives you back a sense of control because when you're wanting to lecture You know what that's a really good one when you're wanting to lecture and I'm actually making notes here because I Wanted to a video on this one so forgive me for that But sometimes this stuff just pops up when you're lecturing. It's partly because it feels out of your Control so in that moment go clean something go organize something in your home I do that because it gives me a sense of order inside Okay, here's a great comment. We're both teachers. So we do a lot of talking again. No excuses, right? Switch to learning by asking questions by being curious by modeling by teaching by example Your kids aren't your students. It's like if you're in a journey Do you think it would be helpful to litigate every incident with your kids? If you are an engineer, do you think it would be helpful to flow chart all of their behavior? No Okay, here's the comment of very common question. I don't want to ignore the behavior So I feel like I have to say something and I don't want them to think it's okay or let them get away with it Look you know from our listening to our podcast and our programs. We don't ignore behavior We just don't react to it. We don't give it negative energy So I can say very matter of factly. Hey, that kind of response isn't going to work in my home Wanted to come back into the room and try that again You can address the behavior without going on and on Short and sweet discipline is way more effective the more words you use the less valuable They become and the most valuable Words of a val- valuable thing you can do is just to actually do What you said you were going to do see I promised you if you talked to me like that if you hit your sister If you do ex this is just going to be the outcome of that and so then you keep your Promise see I like that a lot you chose to stay on your screens for an extra three minutes So you chose to forfeit them tomorrow or lose 30 minutes tomorrow There's no drama your kids already know right from wrong. So they're not going to think it's okay Let's just start practicing. I would go through if you struggle this go through the discipline that works program Because that we go through on no drama discipline. It is very liberating and your kids will actually listen to you. Okay This one, you know, I just want them to understand look your kids do Your kids already understand I I here's the comment I feel like I want them to understand why I'm making the decision So I over explain, but I also want them to know I care So I'm wanting to have this conversation But it just ends up sounding like you don't trust them to learn it themselves That you don't trust them to figure it out and make good choices Look your kids already know you care probably too much But that ends up pushing them away when you just keep going on and on remember we talked about in the last episode When you're really emotionally invested and getting through to your kids guarantees They'll resist even more Kids are not looking to be convinced stop trying to convince your kids that you're right They're never going to be like oh, you know what you're just you have so much wisdom. I just realized Your your logic is so infallible mom and dad it's not going to happen Sometimes you have to be decisive let them be upset without them without trying to get them to agree with you It's called leadership. Oh my kids get angry when I give them mommy lectures And I would just encourage you with this anything that begins with you know kids It's really important that you learn Eh those lectures in that syrupy sweet tone sound patronizing it would make me furious if I were a kid You know what they're thinking talk to me like an adult those long lectures about integrity and doing your best And being the best version of yourself. Eh it makes me want to run right model it Live it affirm what they're doing well But none of those long syrupy sweet and or snotty tone doesn't work either Okay, here's one more Before I get to this big one I just talked to break the silence. What do I do when my teenager has nothing to say Well, why do you have to break the silence see that's your own insecurity and and your own discomfort And that's making it about you if your teen or tween or five year old wants to sit in silence Then honor and respect that see a lock gets said Sometimes by being that stable no drama person Driving the car or sitting in a room not feeling compelled to fill the space or force a discussion You're building trust during those moments. Otherwise, you're just being annoying So learn practice sitting in the silence now. What about when kids are being disrespectful So mom wrote this It is so hard because when they're talking back or being disrespectful and we're being quiet It feels incredibly permissive it feels like they're the ones in charge Like you are agreeing with what they're doing or saying I just want to reassure you if your child is talking back to you and being disrespectful They know it's not right. They know it And so what is your other option just to jump in and say you're not going to talk to me like that young man young woman It just escalates things There's nothing about being quiet that says you know what you are right about what you're saying and it's okay They can read your face Something else is usually going on now. I've done this in the other podcast one of two things is going on One is that they are dysregulated and they're really upset and they're just lashing it out and taking it out on you Well in that case they're having a little meltdown and you never address a meltdown the behavior right then What are we doing a meltdown right that is when we acknowledge with intensity? What they're going through what they're feeling of course you're really upset totally get that we give them something they're in control of So that it begins to calm them down and then we use if we can we use motion changes a motion Movement remember the chips and salsa example. I did a couple of weeks ago like hey case I can tell something else is going on Listen you talk to me like that if you want it's not gonna work out for you But if you want to grab some chips. I'll grab some salsa. I'll meet you on the deck I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with see me I didn't have to go back at him in that moment and he knew that was wrong and then the other thing is Sometimes kids being disrespectful is they're just pushing the boundaries and they're testing the boundaries You reacting in the moment just that's when they are in control of you see when you react Then they are in charge of you because they got you to react so there's no need to react Absolutely you address everything you just use wisdom to know that when your talk is going to have the maximum Benefit when it's going to land But it's not in the moment It almost never works in the moment when someone is upset think about us you you with your spouse Right in the moment It usually works better when after you two have cooled off You've had a little bit of time apart and you come back when you're both in a more humble mood and say man I really shouldn't have said that or hey that really hurt me and then your spouse is like yeah I know I shouldn't have said that But not in the moment so there's wisdom and knowing When to let kids blow off steam when to address situations so you don't escalate it But your kids know right from wrong They know when they've gone too far they're just embarrassed and don't want it mid-it while they're being looked at so You can either you can always use tough discipline I've been through that but do it Afterwards let it calm down first one of my favorite things to do with Casey at times afterwards say like hey I know that you know that was wrong what you just did and I'm curious What do you think your next step should be and oftentimes he'd be like I'm sorry dad See I was putting it in his court rather than you know what you need to apologize to me right now young man I like putting it in their court but lecturing That anxious lecturing where I really feel like you need to listen to me and hear me it doesn't work Okay, great one. Hey, it's a way to let off steam That's what a lot of parents say and I get your frustration as a parent But this is akin to saying that yelling at my wife is just me letting off my steam It's both unhealthy and counterproductive So what are positive ways you can let off steam Physical activity sensory exercise getting a good sweat Do something that gives you a sense of control Meditating prayer talking to a friend But find a better avenue than lecturing your kids and we're gonna get into this a little bit more in this next question on on Being assertive and self-care so very very common. I was dismissed as a kid. I've never been heard and a mom said I believe it is so hard because I got shut up or dismissed as a kid So I tend to over explain and lose it when I'm not listened to Plus I feel like it's my job to convince people with arguments. That's a bad idea to stop that and and I lack alternate So think about this. Let's work on the route of some of these childhood issues Right and you can say hey when I was a child I did not feel valued my opinions were not respected my parents did not listen to me So I felt dismissed like my thoughts were not important But now I'm a grown adult and I have wisdom to share So I will do that with my kids respectfully in a healthy way See you can acknowledge how hard that was for you as a child and and it makes perfect sense that you would feel hurt When you're not listened to I get that completely But let's pivot and say hey, I'm a grown adult now. I'm aware that I have this Trigger so now I'm going to break the pattern and do it differently with my own kids So they feel heard not feel like they get a way with saying whatever they want But we get to break that pattern and so let's learn to be assertive about your needs Because your shutdown as a kid what that tells me is you may have gone through life now being kind of a people Please are saying oh, it's not important what I want. Let me make everybody else happy Oh, you know what it doesn't matter just I want to do what you want to do right a lot of us do that I don't want to ask them for help because I don't want to bother them See that's that's a pattern for you to break and so you're going to have to practice this Start speaking up for what you want see being bossy think about this a lot of your I don't want to be bossy being bossy is telling other people what to do being assertive Is telling other people what you're going to do or what you want see being assertive is demonstrating self-respect I have Specific certain needs that I know I have physical emotional spiritual needs and so in order to demonstrate self-respect I make my needs a priority that is not selfish at all What is selfish if you want me to guilt you a little bit is moms is this is when you do everything for everything It's like nothing for yourself because many of you had that martyr mother and it sounded like this really virtuous thing of like Oh, I self-sacrifice for everyone else, but what happens is you become resentful and worn down and then you need your kids to behave You need them to listen to you You become very needy because you're not getting your own needs met and now you need other people to meet your needs For you or behave in a certain way so that you can deal with it no blame and no guilt This goes back to childhood stuff, but let's work on that if you do have our programs in your mom I would go through the straight talk for moms program We're the 30 days to call program because we go through that in a lot of depth of Practicing being assertive asking for help Speaking up when people say hey, what would you like for dinner? What movie do you want to watch? Tell them don't defer to everybody else all the time Because they'll begin to respect you when you begin to respect your self I hope that makes sense and be very patient with yourself, but also let's practice that. Oh, here's a really good one I get exhausted and overwhelmed by the chaos of Threving three kids and I rarely feel heard by my spouse and kids So I end up losing it and then lecturing how they should act Which is me just trying to feel appreciated and respected that relates to what we just talked about So I encourage you with a few things simplify your life Determine what is important and what you value so you're not overwhelmed Make your priorities very clear and be ruthless about cutting out activities that don't matter Practice some self-control pick one or two activities that make you feel at peace calm important Begin making your needs important practice being assertive with your spouse say exactly what you want and need Be specific and concise honey. This is exactly what I need right now It would really help me a lot if you would do X right now when you get home What could you I need seven and a half minutes of alone time right because this is a mom with three kids at home She's overwhelmed. I need seven and a half minutes of alone time. See, that's very specific now. It's like a husband I know okay, she needs me to get the kids out of the house seven and a half minutes. Oh, I can handle that I can do that and then don't apologize For asking people to do things for you and help you look ask your kids to do one thing for you It could be cooking a meal moving something Practice asking them to do something for you. I'm not talking about doing a chore Make it more personal and practice being short and sweet with directions. It'll sound very cold But I like it to be hey jump on a sofa. Uh, not working in my home But I love your energy if you want to come help me walk the dog or store the suit man. I can really use your help Uh, and then this one practice stopping Practice stopping You're talking so much practice just holding your tongue practice stepping back so your kids can step up Literally practice not reacting and talking now. Here's the one I kind of wanted to end on mom Said I have no I have this problem and after the moment has passed and I reflect when I'm not when I'm not upset I realized my dad used to do this to me I wasn't allowed to have the last word or really any word and now my my daughter It's such a trigger for my angry emotional reactions. I really don't want to do it anymore Sometimes I stuck in this in this idea that my kids must listen to me no matter what But I don't want them to be adults to do that when they feel disrespected So here's the beautiful thing moms and dads you get to break the generational patterns You get to create a new family tree you get to become that confident authority figure Who as lousy your kids some independence and ownership within your boundaries Who knows your job is not to control your kids and not to control all their outcomes Your job is not to fix everything for them that is liberating for everyone You get to model how to live you get to drop wisdom on them you get to learn how to deescalate situations try that sitting in coloring You get to come alongside and teach you get to discipline decisively You get to encourage them when they fail and encourage them when they make progress I know this is hard. I appreciate you digging into this and really working hard at this But let's make progress in this area if you need to go back and listen to the last podcast Because this will change your home very quickly It when you begin to master this because you know what else when you're mastering this You're really dealing with a lot of deeper stuff and childhood issues Um, I'd encourage you we have a sale on if you need help financial ask casey But we go through this in the programs Detailed step-by-step And I think you'll get a big breakthrough there. It will change your family And so I do I honor and respect you so much you're giving this gift to your kids so they don't grow up and do the same things So thank you all moms and dads. Love you all. Thanks for sharing the podcast. We'll talk to you soon. Bye. Bye