Sexy Battle Wizards: Live in Raleigh!

Come in, come in, in, in AC Rangers, this is W. Cecily, thick body. It was touching go th- Was Cecily, can you hear me? Come in, was Cecily. No, yes, Todrick, it's W. Cecily. I've told you this many times and yes, I can hear you. Good, was Cecily. This is Todrick Bethesdaar calling. No, I, yes, I know, I said your name. I hear you and the Rangers have a bit of a situation down there in new, new, Arcaneum city. No, Todrick, it's completely under control. We do not need you or it's completely fine. Do not worry about it, okay? Well, fear not. I am sending you some help. No, I, please don't do that, Todrick. I don't need help. Now, now, was Cecily, you know that there's nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it. No, but that's what I said. I don't need it. Todrick, I don't need help. Was Cecily, fear no more because I'm sending you- Please don't do this, please. The Sexy Battle Wizards. The Sexy Battle Wizards. Hey, everybody, welcome to the Adventure Zone. Sexy Battle Wizards? I am trying to come up with that bad name. There is no better name. Damn straight. Okay, I am your Game Master. We are playing Sexy Battle Wizards by Grant Howett. And, hey, listen, at this point, Grant Howett is basically in the past designing one-shots for the Adventure Zone. It's really quite amazing. So, patreon.com.com. G.S. Howett. I was about to do that, and then you did it, and that's just- No, it's good. It's a good thing to be on the same wavelength. Hey, introduce your characters, but we're going to start with Griffin. Okay. Oh, spicy. I am Gandalf. No further explanation needed. Travis asked me on the elevator ride up here, what's the vibe of your character like? And I said- Magneto. A lot like Gandalf from the Lord of the Rings films. Oh. Dad, introduce your Sexy Battle Wizard. I'm Lich Buchanan. You have to explain that to us. Yeah, you actually do need- I'm a sexy undead wizard from the city sewer system. Wait, that's news to me. Hold on. Okay, go on. It'll come up. But that doesn't explain your costume, Clint. Nothing. Nothing has been explained. He didn't have time to get a costume. This is a live show. We will have approximately 100 minutes to weave a tapestry here. Leaving gaps in the map right now seems like- Listen, into the spider-verse, they didn't explain everything at the very beginning. They let things unfold. That's fine. And, Justin, do you want to introduce your character? Yeah. I told my daughter if she cleaned her room, she could make up my character and pick his outfit. This is 100% true. This is not a bit- But wait, there's more. So I'll be portraying Majesto the Sexiest. And he is a naked man. Now, originally my costume design was- That's it. And Sidney talked her into the skin-colored trunks. So this is actually a conservative take on Majesto the Sexiest from where he could have been. Are you ready to begin? Yeah. Oh, wait. I forgot to say one thing about my character, if I may. These are his void blades. Obviously. And while, yes, they can be joined into one blade, I've sworn to never do it. Because the cost would be too great and the drama too severe. Now, you all remember that. I'm sure it won't come out. But no matter what- No, do not join those together. It would be horrible. So, there stands the leader of the new new Arcanium City Rangers, W. Cessily Thickbody. She's just finished radioing her own Rangers to say we have the situation completely under control. When three representatives- I gotta make sure I get the name of the school right. Let me look it up. Okay, there it is. Three representatives from Todrick Bethesdaar School for Arcane Wonderment and Rizardry. Ooh, Rizardry? I want to give credit to one of the moderators on my Twitch channel, Chess, who I was like, I want to think about charisma, but I'm not sure. And Chess was like, Rizardry. It's very good. Rizardry. Brilliant. Griffin is explaining the term to Mac. Okay. Okay. And now, Dad, if you could just slide one of those my way real quick. Oh, God. Okay. Your prayers are answered. No. Sorry. I need to not lead with that because some people think I'm doing a Moses thing. So, your representatives from the school, welcome. I'm W. Cessily Thickbody. You're all looking very sexy today. And to you. Thank you. And also unto you. I keep with the religious stuff. I am super sorry. Yeah, really? What seems to be the problem? Nope. No problem. There were some undead lizard folk. They were raised by Salamandra and Lizardo. Salamandra and Lizardo Scalix, the evil wizards, sexy evil wizards. Of course. Yes. And they're half sexy, half evil, half brother, Newt. They raised the undead lizard folk. But then we majored it like a hedge kind of wall around it containing them. And the magic that is animating these undead lizard folk will dissipate at sunrise. So, it's all taken care of. You all can go away. Okay. See ya. No, wait. We'll take it from here. Take what? The clues. The what? The clues. I'm sorry. I have never heard this person speak before. I haven't either. I'm very surprised. You're surprised because I'm a naked man? Nope. That's actually not uncommon. All right. Some people get a little freaked out. Okay. Anyways, everything's fine. Don't need any of Todrick Bethesda's people in here messing things up, destroying property. Okay. What? We'll see ya. No, we... Well, now hold on. Oh. How the tides have turned. No, wait. I thought you meant we'll see you like you thought I was leaving. Sorry. Sorry. I thought I... Oh, I'm so sorry. Okay. We'll take it from here. I can't stress enough. Take what? From where? I make just a picture, a little picture of me appear in my hand as an illusion. And he says, we'll take it from here. Okay. Griffin, make a wizard roll. So in Sexy Battle Wizard, you have three stats, Sexy Battle and Wizard. And Griffin, what is your wizard score? Three. So Griffin's gonna roll 3D6s. This is a pretty simple illusion, so I'm gonna set the difficulty at 4. I got two 6s. Damn, dude. Yeah. And you know what? He makes an even littler Gandalf in his hand. Boop, boop, boop. And you know what, Griffin? You see something shift in W. Cicely's eyes just for a moment. Okay. Oh. Damn it. I do like miniature, miniature illusions. It's a great bit. It is a good bit. Hold on, let me put this away. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. You gotta squoosh him every time. I don't know why. Ah! Every time? Every single time. Do they remember? He does. Oh. I've honestly never asked. Let me ask him. Hold on. Not again. Hey, do you all remember when... Every time? Oh, that sucks. Pfft. Oh, God! Okay, but listen, we have the undead. The entrance is over there, but please don't go through the entrance. We have it taken care of. We don't need any intervention from the wizards from the school, okay? I get it. It's one of those then. One of what? Why did you wink? Discretion. We're all winking all the time. I can keep it quiet! You won't even know we're there. Alright, I'm gonna start striding over. Enough talking. What? No! I'm gonna start striding towards this cave. I'm gonna get a look around. It's not a cave. What? It's an entrance in a hedge maze. What is that about the caves of trees? Sorry, sir. I turned back. Wait a minute. A bush cave. Fucking great point. Thanks, man. That's not me and character. That's me and Travis. I turned back around after we've already started strutting embarrassed and I say, sorry, where is the cave again? The cave of trees is over there. Alright, someone start making my way into there. How dark is it? It's not dark. Okay. There's not a cap on the hedge. Okay. There's no ceiling. I couldn't remember if it was night or day. State time. Okay, cool. That's less dramatic. Usually if you're trying to amp the stakes up, it's like... There's no threat. There's no stakes. Yeah. It's just usually if you're trying... Listen, I've been a DM for a little bit now, Travis. And what you want to do is you want to say a few times if it's night or day. Six or seven times, men. Just really clarifying. Okay, cool. And I haven't been a DM for years, but I agree with him. Plus rock and roll. Yeah. I run in slow motion behind you. I kick the door in so he doesn't get hurt. No door. Kick the bush in. I pass through the bush like Homer Simpson in that one shit. You do that two feet to the left of the opening. Yeah, of course. Roll. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Battle against the bush. What's the difficulty, GM? The difficulty is four. Okay, good. That's exactly what I got. Great. So if you match it, then it succeeds, right? Right. But you mark one stress and you get some little twigs and leaves and stuff in your beard. Okay. Are they in there with the other twigs and leaves and stuff that were already in there? Yes, but they're not as aesthetically placed. Oh, shoot. Okay. Yeah. I'm doing a lot of... I think we can all agree so far I've done a lot of really necessary shit and stuff. Yeah. You went through the bush instead of the opening. I'm going to let you all take the lead on this next one. Okay. I just want to find something that looks like we've done something. Yeah. So you enter into the hedge maze and the first thing you see, they've surrounded basically about like four city blocks. Oh my God. That's just a really big hedge maze. Just a big hedge maze. Yeah, man. They had it under control. I had it. I'm in it in a few hedge mazes. It's way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way. It's not even really a hedge maze so much as it's just a very structured hedge containment unit. Okay, got it. Oh, so we should have no trouble finding our way to the middle of it then, right? There's no middle of it. It's just a hedge. It's a hedge wall. Anyhoo. Okay. The first thing you see is you see a grocery store. It's small like a co-op. It's being looted by lizard folk, undead lizard folk. Oh boy. Okay. Why do you? Lich is going to attack the lizard folk. Whoa, no. I stopped him. I said, fuck it. No, too late. What do you do? Oh, man. I use my power, which is to summon mutated undead creatures from the sewers. Jesus Christ. Hey, come on. Lich, you can't. Yeah. You say use your power. Unlife preserver. Dad, don't use all this great stuff so early. Well, I have to convince Griffin. I know what I'm doing. Hey, dad, you say use your power. Yeah. It's in the thing I sent you. Sexy undead wizard from the city sewer system that magically summons mutated undead creatures. Come on, Travis. It was in the thing you sent me. It was in the thing I sent you. Clinton, it will matter. You don't read anything I send you. You never respond to text messages. I tell you, dad. Here was my fault. I guess I just kind of assumed that you would build a character based on the stuff on the sheet of paper that explains the rules of the game. Yeah. Griffin was mad at dad because he made up his weapon. And then I said, Griffin, it's all make them ups, man. Path of beasts. Yeah. All right. Yeah. So just make it fuck up. Okay. Roll, dad. What do I roll? Magic. Your wizard skill. I'm a three in wizard skills. Wow. I'm going to tell you what I'm doing or do I just roll? You summoned undead mutated sewer bees. Well, yeah. But there's a lot of different things. To defend this corporate business. It's a great big mutated alligator. Okay. And I call him Gator. Sure. On the nose. And it's on his cheek. He looks like her Reynolds. Yeah. Okay. I got it. All right. See. Just roll the Jesus Christ. What'd you get? A one, a five and a four. You take the five. The five. The five is what I rolled. The five works. Get him Gator. Get him. Okay. Mark one stressed out. What? It works. He's equal to one. And the Gator starts fighting these lizards. And man, that big old Gator tail sure is smashing around the co-op. Sure is taking up shells and windows left and right. Great stuff so far team. So if I'd rolled a six. What would happen? It's different rules from steeplechase. This isn't the same game. You do know that, right? Of course he does. Of course he does. Magesto, what do you do? And the lizard folk are like, oh, what the? How many are there left? I mean, yeah, I guess there's still four, but they're fighting a bigger undead lizard. Who they think is a God to them. They don't. They're not stupid. All right. I walk up to, I, uh, what is, oh, we was just looting. One of them is French. One of them is French. One of them is French. Gator, get the French one. Oh, God, dad. Uh, that, uh, first of all, you look incredible. Ah, thank you so do you. Great. Hey, I was hoping you could fill me in on the whole plan. Plan. Roll, roll charm. What's your sexy score? Three. Well, that's a, uh, the best I rolled was a four. Okay. So I'm going to describe now this is, uh, this is swimming, the lizard folk. And I've, what did you just consult? What reference book could you possibly have just? Oh, okay. Great, great, great. Nevermind. It is like 50 lizard names. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. And I'm going to roll a d 20 twice to describe them for you off of this chart that I've made. Oh, shit. Uh, okay. Swing is a winsome, uh, a winsome pulsing lizard. Whoa. Yeah. I bet that looks cool. Yeah, man. Yeah. The plan. Lay it out. Okay. I would tell you, but first we must dance. All right. Here we go. No, no, no. This is his moment. You take a stress, by the way, a four hits, but you take a stress. That works. Yeah. A four. Yeah. Stress marked. This is stress. I should, we should make that clear. No stress is how you go take a break back in the school in the sauna. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah. A zipline. Thank you for asking. Thanks for not making a big deal out of me being a naked man. This is, I'm a naked lizard. Who am I to judge? I've never thought about it that way. You know, God does. We all want to count as. God as we lizards worship wants us all to be naked. I don't speak French. This is fair. So our creators, Salamandra and Lizardo, they want to take over New York in the MCD. So say, Rosa's up to take over New York in the MCD. Bye. Choo. Boy, that's some breath control. Oh, they're trying to take over. Yep. And then he stabs you. So give me a battle roll to see if you avoid it. My battle is not great. Are you wearing armor? It took me 2.8 seconds to get that joke. That was incredible. I got a five. Okay. You match it because you're not wearing an armor. You donge, right? But it kind of hurt you. What you do is it like, oh, you tweak something. You don't get stabbed by like, oh, you tweak something. But it's kind of a sexy way, right? Yeah, yeah. It's kind of sexy. You pop a hip. Oh. And it's a little Betty Boob like, ooh, as you do it. And it works. It works. Good. Take one stress, but you do avoid and then you get the opportunity to respond in kind. Well, I hate to do this, but I'm going to have to choke him with the locks of light. That's the name of my hair, by the way. Yeah. It's the source of my power. I didn't listen. Her room is really dirty. Okay. Justin, roll wizard plus one because I like that. All right. Good. Six. Oh, shit. Yeah. You nail it. You choked this. Swings dead. Hold on. Yep. Swings dead. And the Gators taken out two other ones. I was their names for the record. I wasn't trying to kill them, but I wasn't not trying to kill them. Yeah. Yeah. Listen. I get it. You wanted him to stop. So, but yes, skiz is also dead. And what were the describers for skiz? All right. Dad just asked you to describe a dead body. So quiet. And you're about to use some adjectives that are going to suck. He was really funny and kind to his kids. Yeah. It says your father of eight. And no, he was a svelte stunning corpse. Yeah. And there was another one that died too. Yeah. And so also you got Bunko. Bunko is dead. Whoa. Tell me about Bunko. No, Bunko. He was an orphan. That was the only thing about Bunko. He actually made kind of a big deal about it all the time. I'm an orphan. Bunko was a curvaceous and scintillating orphan. Oh, that's the most tragic kind because they have their whole sexy future ahead of them. I run away train that would come back. Dang. I realize that we are going to be made as sexy battle wizards in this sort of environment. And if we want to be able to go a little bit more incognito, maybe I should look less the part. And so I cast a glamour over myself to appear like Griffin McElroy. Oh, okay. Roe Wizard. It's high. Fucking pretty. It's a seven. You got to meet a seven. What is he trying to know? He was the biggest beard in his wig off. Five. Five is the next to the best one is a five. Okay, Griffin, you could dig the beard off. The hat is the part that sucks the most, but the beard won't let me drink. They're both so bad, but you don't have all the hat. Okay, Griffin, you could dig both off if you take two strikes. I'll fucking do it, man. Whoa, the magic is real. It's Griffin. Probably backstage before we started. I made the realization, by the way, that like the last four tasks shows I've DMed Griffin has chosen costumes that like obscure his face. I made it longer and longer and that than the big fucking slimer mask that I wore at the last. You spent your son's college tuition on this. The skin off costume was also very expensive. I met Gandalf. I misspoke by the way. My favorite Georgia Jones song hands down is the hat is what sucks the most, but the beard won't let me drink. They did that on the Netflix series. Yeah, I love that. There is there is one undead lizard folk left. He is he is no longer looting. He very clearly is like, you know what? I'm I'm done and I don't want to fight anymore. What do you guys do? We're sexy battle wizards. Oh, I mean, oh shoot. I stab him. No, you said it. No, I don't have to do the Gandalf voice. Oh, we are sexy battle wizards. Hey, if you take another stress, I'll let you not have to do the voice. Now you have to do the voice. Now the voice is fine. The voice doesn't cut off circulation to my fucking comedy organ. That's a number on it. If you can't tell right that I've been wearing an incredibly tight wig. I don't look like a fucking Frankenstein. Great. Great. No, so remembering that you are sexy battle wizards. Yes. What do you do to this basically surrendering undead lizard folk? Um, I say you seem like a friendly person lizard. What's your name friend? And what describe your body? My name is skink skink. That's a thing already. I had that one. Okay. I didn't. You're talking about my brother's sming and skis and bunco. You. So you've got to be one of the most chill. You've got to be one of the most chill only children. You were doing taco. I know. I, yeah. Sorry. Character voices. Um, yeah, Mack, you got to be one of the most chill only children I've ever met. Listen, I was dead before this and I'll be dead again and sunrise. Gosh. And standing before you see a statue esque and glowing undead lizard folk. Hmm. Like the bones. No, just, he's like, yeah. No, no, no, I know, but he has an inner glow, but it's a glowing skeleton is what you're describing. He's not a skeleton. He's undead. Okay. So there's some meat. Okay. This is a fresh. I didn't say fresh. Okay. Jesus Christ. I, uh, litch banishes him to the sewers. Now come on. If you're going to have, give a guy control over the undead. Yeah. You have two options. Okay. You could do it as a wizard with magic or you could do it like you're just telling him to go to the sewers. Hey, go to the suit and then it's charm with sexy. Oh, come on. I'll do it as. All right. I'll do sexy. What's your, what's your rating? What's your, wait, what's your sexy rating? I get two. Okay. You have one in battle. Yeah. Okay. Well, all I do is summon up dead animals. Sure. I guess that's fair. Okay. That's a three and a three. Okay. So six. Say it. Say it like you were, like you were compelling him to go down to the sewers. I compelled you to go to the sewers, my friend. No. So now take that one point of stress and one point of determination. That's right. There's one more stat. Don't get too overwhelmed. All right. So I'm going to go not to the sewers. Okay. So it worked. Why did I have to take strength? Why did you say that if you, you're totally going to the sewers? Aren't you? No, not the sewers. He wanted me to go to different sewers. That's for me to know you to find out. That when you said the sewers, everybody knew what part of the sewers you meant. Yeah. It's a different part of the sewers, different sewers. I'm going to the cool part of the sewers. Keep an eye out for, was it turtles? Is that what you said? Turtles aren't real. Said the talking undead lizard. That's a whole different type of animal. Yeah. I'll expo. I'm so sorry for him. I've seen the differences once you've left for the sewers. It's just we try our best. I get you. I get you. Does that have something to do with Riz? No. I fucking hate that I told you the correct definition of Riz. That was 30 full minutes ago and I just, it just hit me. Yeah. That I blew anything. Huge fucking opportunity there. Well, I didn't ask you to explain Gandilf. No. Okay. It seems like it was pretty apparent. Griffin! Let's play. Let's play. Let's play your little game. God. What did you say? What did you say? What did you say? What did you say? What did you say? What did you say? What did you say? God, do we need to end the show? No, it'll be fine. So, Skink leaves. That's just Matt Griffin stole his tattoo idea. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, honestly, it was pretty cool. At this voice, I'll get it by the end of Act 1. Don't worry. So, Gator just kind of looks at you and goes, all right. Well, go back to the sewer. Roll, dad, roll. I'll help you work. Roll, dad, roll. I got a roll to unsummon him. Yeah, man. If you could go tragically wrong, you remember what Griffin had to squish his kids? You know what? I'm not going to. Come on, Gator, go with us. All right. Oh, then wait. Hold on, wait. If you're not going to come with us, then where are you going to go, Gator? To the fucking sewers, I bet. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, there anyway. Well, thanks for stealing my joy. Hey, I'm sorry about that. Hey, do you want me to explain my name to you? Too late. Nudo over here already did that. Hey, Nudo is the noodle wizard and you know that. Yeah. He shoots spaghetti at his enemies. So do we see the bad guys where they are? Yeah, you're going to progress to the next point. Okay. In the adventure. Doing it smoothly and seamlessly. Yeah, like it was always meant to be. We never let you see the loading screens here on the adventure zone. In the edited version available soon. This is as you progress towards the source of the magic is what I meant to say. Oh, yeah. Makes more sense. I'm much more enraptured by the tail now. You make your way through a tree lined street that's filled with expensive looking brown stone homes. The trees are so thick, you're the branches have grown together. They've created a canopy covering the street. So it's a little bit. So there is a roof. A canopy. Canopy and a roof. Try to get that. You are getting absolutely butchered by semantics tonight. Well, canopy is the roof of trees. Yeah. So I was right. You know, I don't want to know. I'm not taking your side. He's in charge. Okay. Hey, you tell us a good choice. You tell him you were on the fence there. I'm just so in the business, boss. And you're following your magical senses and you know that to continue towards the source of the magic towards the Scalic twins and their half brother, Newt, you will have to progress through this tree lined street. Well, let's keep walking like we've been doing this whole time. I'm going to extend the locks of light to see if they sense danger. Ooh. Okay. Give me a wizard roll. Okay. I'm really bad at magic stuff. Oh, six. Okay. Yeah, with the six. I mean, it doesn't. That's not a great place for one, but thank you for rooting for me. I do appreciate it. Hey, it ain't a bad place for one. No stress taken there. You beat the number I was thinking of. And as your locks of light casted their light up into the tree toms, you see, you can't quite make out what it is, but you see shadows moving away from the light. So like you just see the edges of things shuffling and shifting away from the light in the trees, but whatever it is, seems to be blending in with their surroundings. Okay. I take out my void blades and just start chopping down trees. Okay. Give me a battle. Hell yes. Hell yes. Give me a battle. Yeah, in the trees. Oh, that kicks ass. Maybe. Who knows? Do it. Kicks ass. Give me a battle roll. I'm better at that, but not as good as I am at being sexy. Five. Oh yeah. With a five, you guys take a stress and chop the trees down. They start falling through some windows and doors here and there. Don't worry about it. Come on. Use the blades. What? Come on. I want to see it. Yeah. It's an audio podcast. Not to them. I got it. Don't do it. Juice. Hey, juice. Hey, juice. Juice. Juice. Listen. You don't want video of you swinging a lightsaber around out there on the Internet. Take it from Griffin. He's a meme. That's all I'm gonna say. Hey, Griffin, at this point, you're like three memes. I know. It's a sad life. You're also the one where you're like, I don't know what this means. And I do have a way to ask. Can you bit a banana and you swung lightsaber and you caught it? Yeah. And you think about memeing in your old age? Boy, I hope my son's still listening backstage. OK, so as you top down the trees, you see undead lizard folk fall to the ground, landing on all fours, as you know, lizards always land on their feet. What were their names? We haven't gotten there yet. OK. You can't look at them and know their names. We got to ask. OK. How are we going to ask dead lizards? They're not dead. They land on their feet. But you can also see that they had patterned their skin to blend in with the trees. You're dealing with undead chameleons. Oh, gosh. How many did I get with my little Paul Bunyan's out there? How many of them did I get? Six of them have fallen out of the tree. They're all fine. Because they landed on their feet. They landed on their feet. Lizards always land on their feet. OK, well, listen, I've been very active here. I need you guys to step up to the plate and re-kill some of these lizards. Well, I'm going to take another approach. Oh, much better. I recently had an opening. In my organization. You've got to choose your fucking words better. And faster. Yeah. I just had to let. Let Gator go. Who's talking? Who's this guy? I had to let Gator go. There we go. And so would you six be interested in coming over to my undead summoning company? Hey, man, you're going to have to tell us more than that. Like, what's the pay? What are the hours? And if the hours are more than like sunup, then it's it's when I summon you. You live in you're not selling it great. You start off with you live in the sewer. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of your choice. This guy let you go to the sewer. You want. And nobody's going to bother you. Except for me when I summon and what's the pay? Hey, yeah, my man, what's the pay? Let's see. I have multiple door dash coupons that. We don't have a house. Or dash fantasy door dash. There's not much pay, but you know what? Oh, you get the reward you get for working with me. No, hey, I. So sexy roles. Yeah, in what universe? Hey, dad, you can roll sexy. It's not going to happen. Unless you roll when you got two dice there. If you roll two sixes, holy shit, then it will work. So there's a chance. Sure. Holy shit. OK, you know what? He got a six and a four pretty close, pretty close, but no show. You know what he is when I say one of them is like, OK. But then all the other five are like, no, no, no. OK, we're part of a we're part of a pretty kick ass undead lizard. You gotta get you signed up. And there's a cool part of the sewer. And what's his name? His name. Bunko Junior. No, hold on. His name is Sleaze. Sleaze. Shoot. Are you going to describe him? The one that wanted to work for you is Sleaze. Sleaze is naive and easily swayed. There it is. A sinewy. A sinewy and turgid lizard. Yeah, it's welcome to the company, my turgid friend. What? You know, actually, now I'm a thing of no too late. I'm sorry. Guys still make fun of me, but it is turgid like Constipated. J-Man. Yeah. It's like us from what I understand, like a stiffy situation. Rigid. You meant rigid. No, it just means like swollen. Swollen, yeah. Swollen is another way of... Oh, OK. Gotcha. I would do anything else. I'm sitting right here. Yeah. So now Sleaze is standing behind you. What do you mean? Look, why don't you go to the sewer and wait until I call? OK? You just go to the sewer, whatever sewer, and when I call, you go on. OK, thanks. How do you call? Um... I have an un-life preserver. That's a floaty. How the fuck does that work? Just go. OK. No, I've also been wondering the same thing. Listen, I'm on board clearly. I'm just trying to understand the ins and outs. OK, look, you see the manhole cover over there? Yeah. Go down, take a left, and go to a sewer. OK, I'm cool on that part. But as far as, like, you can text me. If you need to get a hold of old Sleaze, you're just... All right, all right, all right, all right. Give me your digits. OK. It's 5-5-5. 426-9-6-9, all right. Nice. I had to pay top... I had to pay top dollar for that one. How do you know all these things, Griffin? And why? OK, I'll be in the sewer if you name me. You got it. See you later, my friend. But what? As soon as that one lizard is out of eyesight, I go, OK. And I pull a meteor down from the sky to smash the other five. OK, roll magic for me. OK, roll magic for me. 6. Yeah, fuck yeah. Again. So that pretty much takes care of that challenge. By the way, as the meteor is falling, Majesto, like, points his hands at them like he's helping, just because he wants to get up in on it. Yeah. The legends, you know, he wants to tell of his contribution. We can split credit on that one. Fantastic. Let's see if there's any casualties first. Let's look at all of their identifications in their wallets first. So, no, they all burned up. The next step is you follow, you reach the end of the tree lens path. Let's name them in honor of their demise. We gotta make a tombstone! Spongebies. That one's a spongebob. Hey, how dare you. I have other names on here. You elected not to use them. Yeah, you had the opportunity. So now it's right there. What just happened there was we were trying to play into space with you, and you said, no, this is my space. I'll tell you the names of them. There was Skim. Skim. And Slans. Slans. And Swing. OK. And Sandin of Anden Landon. I feel like this is the worst wordal attempt ever. And Sandin of Anden Landon and Juicy Brawless. Oh, God. It kind of leaned into that one. Yeah. Cool. No, now it's your party. You want to do more stuff or you want to let me lead the game? You can lead the game, Travis. Thank you. You reach the end of the tree line street and you find a beautiful park. Let me roll for the descriptors of the park. It is a... It is a steamy park. Oh, OK. So it's here in Raleigh, North Carolina then. It is a steamy park overhead that clouds are swollen with the promise of rain. That was really good to get that in. Hey, by the way, hey, I do owe you all an apology. I got into my car after enjoying your great bookstore, the Quail Road Books. I got in my car after I was in there for a little bit and car pot. Car... Yeah, car hot. You were right on that one. Not like... Not like normal. No, extra hot. Like really super, really, really hot. So, egg on my face, car hot. They are in the middle of the steamy park. You see a patch of sunlight and there's like three undead iguana lizard folk snapping in the sunlight. Oh. Yeah. I could just meet you or this one too and we could be on our merry way. You told me you only had one meeting you up per day. Oh, that's right. Shit. Wait, did I already use it? I had a little bit of the hobbit's kindness since my last melee. Yeah. Go get him, naked. My mind is as steamy as this park. Everyone stay calm and naked man is approaching. Shoo. Shoo. Wait, is there... Do I see the source of the magic beyond them? Yeah. Are they impeding my progress at all? I mean, not really. Okay. Are they at pillows? Yeah, they're very safe. Okay, I'll put... Wait. Does it look like they're breathing? Oh, yeah. They're snoring. They're having a great time. I'll get one of the pillows and just find one of the far left and suffocate them. So as not to wake the other two. Yeah. But here's the kicker, I'm gonna do it in a sexy way. Oh. Justin, demonstrate. Like... Roll for sexy. A sexy suffocation. Those exist, I'm told. It's a sexy five. I got it. Yeah, you know what? Here's what I'll say. It works. You don't have to sit... This is the last moment before you've said anything. I know. Okay. It works. And you gain a stress from it. But it awakens something within you. Jesus Christ. I'll leave it at that. A deep... A deep breath. Deep breath. I don't know what it is. It's been awakened. A deep unease. However you want to take it, it registers... I just explained how I took it. So the subject is closed. There are two more. I mean, I think we should all get a turn. Okay. No. No, you said it. Are they still asleep? No, it's okay. No, really. It's fine. I'm happy to do them both. No, no, no, no, no. Please. I just all have some fun. I don't know what's happening. I brought a meteor down on the other two. Sorry. I'll roll from that side. It's a little meteor. I got a four. Travis, they were talking... You know what, Grimman? They were talking a lot about erotic strangling, which is... Not strangling, suffocation. Asphyxiation. I believe it's called. That's in Cummins's boat? What do I do? No, it don't happen. What happens? That was a trap. Okay. I'm trying to help with it. You're looking at them like they're CSI. What has happened next? So the meteor comes down, but it's very little. Yeah. It gets one of them. Oh, yeah. So take a stress. Okay. And the other one wakes up. Oh my gosh. What the... Oh, shit. What? I whack him across the face. With the pillow as hard as I can. I didn't think I just acted. Okay. Roll first battle. You know, I do it in a sexy way. Nope. All right. Shoulda... By the way, I almost just died. In that encounter, that failure very nearly killed me. Okay. I got a two and a one. Oh, no. You miss. Yeah. Okay, so... I've known it so hard that you stumble and fall. And you take a break. I've known it so long. I've known it so long. You stumble and fall. And you take one stress and one determination. Wait. How much stress do you have? But here's the thing about it, though. I do take the determination. I will keep that happily. But as the pillow swings wide and whips past his face, you look in Majesta's eyes for a second and he disappears in a puff of magic, dead. Okay. There's two of you left. It's fine. No, no, no. I come back. It's fine. It's in there. Don't worry. We've all... All right. So one still will sleep. But he is half awake. What? Huh? I am going to summon from the Sewers an abandoned giant anaconda. An ab... Sorry. Did you... Somebody abandoned an anaconda. An abandoned anaconda... Abandoned the Sewer. Abandoned anaconda. Abandoned anaconda. Abandoned anaconda. Banana stand. Were they allowed... I don't think you're allowed to own that. That's why they abandoned it. So it's contraband. It was contraband... It's contraband... That's my favorite. That's a band of band of condo. That's a palindrome, I think, and a haiku. That's amazing. Okay. And, and order them to swallow the two iguanas that are left. I'm going to be under the fucking table for this next 10 minutes of the show. And dad, roll for magic? Yeah, I can, because I have three as a wizard. Oh, I got to use my prop. You don't? Good. Good. Sexy. But what does it do? You don't shout sexy while you're doing it. That's a six though. Shit, it was pretty sexy. So it turns out your anaconda does want some because he swallows that lizard focun. But slowly, you're there present the whole time, all three of you looking in his eyes. Oh, boy. Oh, no. Oh, God. Hey guys, there's a big snake here in a swamp. Hey guys, do something. Do we see his hand like texting, trying to get off a few last texts as it swallows him at all? Yeah, man. I love that. He's just texting his wife and kids. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, I had to take a phone call. What happened? Oh, I'm getting eaten real bad. Hold on to Colin right back. Oh, God. Dad, what will happen to your snake if it eats something undead? There's no life to draw from it. Won't that hurt it? I will make a note and remember that. Okay. So the anaconda has eaten the snake man. Or lizard man, excuse me. He's questioning it. Yes. The anaconda is no scientist. He doesn't know. Is there enough of him left? Did we see when he was texting what his name is? It was Clint McElroy. The Blains walking general? No, unrelated. Spelled differently. There was an A in there somewhere. Client. McElroy. Client. Client. Client. Client. Client. Client. McElroy. I mean, where's client? I know you're not allowed to talk, but you can say clant one time if you want to. It's really fun. Client. I'll say it's good. I'll say it's good. It feels good to say it. So, Litch and Gandil. Gandil, you get... Nope. You hear your radio. Hey, it's me, Todrick Bethesda. I'm just so just to re-corporated back here. You guys want to come up for a little bit of sauna? I'm feeling fresh as a date. Wait, no, I'm not. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, just come up. And by sauna, do you mean hospital for wizards? Tomatoes and motto. No, I need treatment from an actual medical professional. Then yes. So we're going to a hot steamy place, correct? A hot spittle. Did you say a hot spittle? I did. That's fucking great, man. Hot spittle. Yes. Yeah. Just come up, get a massage. Yeah, sure, sure. But a doctor's going to be there. A doctor will be there giving you a massage. A medicine also, though, right? A medicine massage. A massage is great, but I do need medicine very bad. A medicinal massage. Okay. And then some Advil orc. Yeah. All right. Bippu, buppi, bippu. Poof. You pop back up. You pop back up to the sauna. You see Majesto looking alive. It turns out I'm fine. It all happens sometimes you're swinging a pillow trying to kill a lizard, man, and then you vanish. I don't even know what the working version of that would have been. Me neither. I was under a lot of stress. Yeah. Go ahead and clear your stress while you all take a moment. Okay. Are you guys ready to go back? Did I see a fucking doctor? Define doctor. I think that I have. We have magic. All right. It's doctor strain. Yeah, let's just go. Drink this potion. Hey, wait. It has one millionth of medicine in it. Hey, wait a minute. Are you telling me that dying and coming back to life didn't clear Griffin's Griffin enchantment? I feel like he would be back. He didn't die. Yeah, but you know I didn't fucking die. You're the dire, not me. I'm still Griffin. Nice try. Hey, Justin, I almost fainted. Jimi Hendrix would have just fainted. That's all I'm saying. That's the only way in which Griffin is not Jimi Hendrix. That man's guitar caught on fire and he kept playing it. That's amazing, guys. I'd be screaming for help. Someone, please. You know what happened to Jimi Hendrix? Yeah, he was just a legend. Legend forever. All right. I'm going to warp you guys back down. Magic and you're back down. Now you find yourselves in an abandoned subway station before you stands the evil sexy twin wizards, Scalamandra and Lizardo Scalics. And they're half sexy, half wizard, half brother nude. That makes them an eighth of each. Nope. We'll figure it out backstage. We'll do some music now. You added together he's one and a half. Holy shit. Welcome to our lair. Thank you for having us. That's very polite and I appreciate it. Unfortunately, we can't let you take over. Not again. I am a jesto. We meet again. It would seem so. I'm sorry. I don't remember you. I'm I tend to stick in people's memory because of the fact that I'm a naked man. That didn't even register for me. It was that you were on the pub trivia team that kicked our asses. I was naked then too, though. Yeah, but I'm above noticing that even. Okay, all right. I'm a pretty cool dude. I'm gonna use the locks of light on him to see if he's telling the truth. Okay. Because I feel like he noticed that I was a naked man. Okay. Roll sexy. Yep. I got a. Just go right back to the sauna. It's a six. Yes, I noticed and I like what you've done with your penis. Thanks. I just had it reconstructed after my death. I can tell it has that new penis sheen. Thank you for noticing. That's Amelia O'Estabelle's brother. Oh, it's not. It's not. It's not, but that is funny. I liked that joke actually very much. Brother, you must not steal all their attention. We must fight them. Yes, you're right, sister. Let us fight them. Can we fight tomorrow? It is almost sunup, isn't it? I'm just saying that I have a pretty cool thing I can do once a day. But you must meet our army of undead. Oh, shit. And their watch starts beeping. Ah, damn it. Sunup. Yeah. Yeah. Let's reschedule if we could for like a week. Absolutely. No, I can't do a week. I can't do a week. You can't do a week? What are you doing like three weeks from now? No, that's trivia. We tend to leave the end of August open. Yeah, we could do August. That works for us. August 19th. Yes. I don't have my day planner on me. We could do August 19th in the morning. Morning's good. Well, how early? Not too early. God knows. Like 1030, 1045 ish. 1045. 1045 ish. I'd rather remain a maybe. God, this is fascinating. Okay, we'll see you guys then. You return to the surface. I'm pretty chill about all that. I totally understand. And you find that the hedgewall is gone. And you see before you a crowd of rangers and wizards and other sexy citizens, but they aren't focused on you. They're faced away. Then one of them screams. Now they are all screaming, falling to their knees, pleading to the heavens. And before your eyes, every ounce of sexiness drains from the citizens of new, new Arcanium City. And a very unattractive laugh pierces your ears. With their crowd on their knees, you can see what they were looking at or rather who? Laughter unattractively. It's a warlock who you have only heard described in hush whispers. He is known as Burbo Scrawl, the unsexy. A title which, a title which has been rendered meaningless considering that with the exception of you three, he has just absorbed all the sexiness in new, new Arcanium City. I hate this fucking guy. Guys, I got a mattress from Lisa, the luxury hybrid, and it is changing my life. First, I'm just going to tell you, first of all, it lays flat like this. Yeah. A lot of beds that I have had in the past are at a 45 degree angle or worse Dracula style. 180. So the Lisa mattress is flat, which we love. That is 108. I do just want to say that the flat is 108. It's way longer than my body. A lot of beds, my head and feet, dangle off of them like a child like Will Ferrell in the film, Elf, and the Elf beds. This is not like that. This bed is bigger than my body, which is incredible. Is it thin like a tissue? No. No. It's comfortable. A million tissues. Whoa. Sorry, it says here, don't compare it to a million tissues. No. It's got aerated foam channels and an ultra breathable dual spring system. It's like sitting in between the balance of foam and spring. It's like living in the middle, in the mid-space. It's the perfect balance in the shadow lands. And yeah, it can keep you cool. They got a chill hybrid too. If you want to go a little bit cooler, advance cooling, luxury quilt top, if you want. Yeah, exactly. I'm a chill hybrid. Yeah. You're a chill hybrid. Yeah. Half Travis, half electric. Go to lisa.com for 20% off mattresses plus get an extra $50 off with promo code ADVENTURE, exclusive for our listeners. That's L-E-E-S-A.com, promo code ADVENTURE for 20% off mattress plus an extra $50 off. And the reporter shown let them know we sent you after checkout lisa.com promo code ADVENTURE. And check this out. Little sultry trot trot trots. That's pretty good, Griffin. Thanks. I'm a big boy. I need tempo. Hey, everyone. Welcome to the advertisements here on the ADVENTURE zone. I'd like to tell you about tempo. I- And with us is special guest, J.K. Simmons. Yeah, and- That's not my tempo. It's not my tempo. It's not my tempo. Have him say like, that is my tempo. Oh, that is my tempo. Okay, J.K., you can leave. Now make him say, now make him say, now make him say, Oh, wait, come back. Griffin's the best. Make him say, Griffin's the best. Griffin's the best. Give me pictures of Spider-Man. You didn't tell him to say that. That was you doing the plays. He's on the headphones. Okay. He's got his own cans. He brought them from home. Okay. He's a professional. Are you guys like, are you guys like this? What do you mean? Can you just do a normal advertisement? Can you do like a normal, just do a normal ad? Okay, so yeah, I'm a busy guy and so is Travis. He knows J.K. Simmons. So when you're busy and you're on the go and you want to eat good food, but you only have like two minutes to heat it up, you can still have really yummy stuff thanks to tempo. This is my tempo. I'm talking about Tuscan bacon mushroom chicken. I'm talking about five spice glazed chicken thighs. Yeah, he is. They got seafood options. They got chili shrimp rice bowl. They got some, they got protein packed stuff. They're always swapping around the menu. So you can always like try out new stuff and it all tastes really good. And you can get it ready like really, really fast. And even J.K. Simmons likes it. He's the piggiest eater I know. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. He has really specific tastes and there is a special J.K. Simmons only menu on tempo. Yeah. I eat pictures of Spider-Man. So yeah, if you go to TempoMeals.com, you'll see an option that'll be like the special J.K. Simmons menu. And when you click on it, it says, are you J.K. Simmons? It's like a captcha. Okay. Like are you J.K. Simmons? And it tests you and if it's not, then it'll be like get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. This is for J.K. only, it says. Wow. So for a limited time, Tempo is offering my listeners 60% off your first box. Go to TempoMeals.com slash adventure. That's TempoMeals.com slash adventure for 60% off your first box. TempoMeals.com slash adventure rules and restrictions may apply. Hey, a couple of quick announcements too before we get back to the episode. We've got a bunch of cool stuff over at macroemerge.com. If you haven't checked it out, you need to go through that. 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to Border Angels. Macroemerge.com, check that out. Also Griffin's book, The Stowaway, is out now to choose your own adventure or adventure. Go to bit.ly slash Griffin Stowaway and get all the information there or find it at a local bookstore. Thank you, Travis. You're welcome, Griffin. And Justin's great too. He does cool things. Whatever. All right. Back to the show. Hey, what's up, everybody? My name is Mark Gagliardi and I host We Got This with Mark and Hal on the Maximum Fun Network. Would you like to introduce yourself as well? My name is Jessie and I am from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Hi, Jessie from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Jessie, you are our Maximum Fun member of the month. I'm so delighted to hear that I'm the member of the month. Thank you. Is there a first episode that you remember? The pretzel shape episode. Yeah. That's pretty classic. Both of us just killed off each other's answers and went with Pretzel Rod, which is clearly not the best. No, that is a terrible pretzel. As our member of the month, you have a parking spot at Maximum Fun headquarters, as well as a $25 gift card to the Maximum Fun store. We say it at the end of the episode. We wouldn't do it without you and we couldn't do it without you. So thank you for that. You're welcome. Become a Max Fun member now at MaximumFun.org. Hello. Hello, I'm calling on behalf of the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. No, no, I'm sorry. No sales calls. Goodbye. It's a multi-award winning podcast featuring guests such as Ted Danson, Nick Offerman, Josie Long. I don't know what a Josie Long is and anyway, I'm about to take my mother into town to see Phantom of the Opera at last. You are wasting my time and even worse, my mother's time. She only has so much time left. She's 98 years old. She's only expected to live for another 20 or 30 years. Mother get your shoes on. Yes, the orthopedic ones. I don't want that to carry you home again, do I? Right, well, if you were looking for a podcast... Mother, you're not wearing that, are you? It's very revealing, mother. This is a musical theater, not a Parisian bordello. Simply go to MaximumFun.org. I'm reaching for my Samsung Galaxy 4 as we speak. Mother! Mother, not that hat! Hey everybody. Welcome back. I hope you all had good bathrooms. Listen, before we start the second act, first I'm going to say thank you to the MayMandy Theater, where we are tonight. Thank you for having us. It's beautiful. So kind. Let's say thank you to Paul. And I want to say thank you to Raleigh. This is a beautiful place, y'all. Yeah. And Erbim. May we come back? You have, I will say... We've been all over this fine nation. Not all over. There's lots of states we still have in the world. I think y'all got the best Alamo Draft House I've been to. I gotta say that. Whoa! It's a really good one. And there's a bakery like two doors down. It's like five bakeries and one. They have busy cupcakes. Come on. We want to say thank you to Dana Wagner for one of the best posters we've ever had. And thank you to Rachel, our editor. Thank you to Tom, who did the video. Thank you to Amanda, our business manager who helps us put on these tours. Thank you to Rachel and Griffin's sons, both dabbing and non-dabbing. Both in the dabbing and non-dabbing varieties. And another thanks to Grant Howett. Thank you to the We wouldn't be able to do this without Grant Howett making all the funny games. Are you here in Cosplay? Yeah. So, Burbo Scrawl the unsexy now the most sexy. Sorry, Majesto. Whoa. Yeah. I feel just normal now. You're still up there. I'm extremely sexy, but not the sexiest. In a world of ones, a nine is pretty good. It's, but well, I guess there are a lot of threes running around now. So it's not too bad. So, um, hi friend, hail and well met. Are you talking to the unsexy thrall around you or to Burbo Scrawl? Christ no. I'm talking to Burbo Scrawl. Burbo Scrawl. Burbo Scrawl. Do we know Burbo Scrawl? You've heard like whispered, uh, you know, myths of an unsexy warlock. But the idea of such unbelievable. Unthinkable. Yeah. But he's sexy now, right? So sexy. Cool. He looks now like if Peter Pascal and Oscar Isaacs and one of the great fairies from a Zelda game had a baby. Cool. Yeah. Travis is like Spider-Man trying to pull two kinks together with all of his strength. We can do it. God, I'm in there. Um, hail and well met. Gum, gumbo. Gunga. Burbo Scrawl. I know what his name is. I'm trying to make him. Oh, you're nagging him. A little bit. Yeah. I feel the deepest desire to impress you. Got a little real there for a second. Um, and right back at you. But what am I saying? I'm being so silly right now. You must be Gandil. Yes. And I appreciate you saying it right. I've heard everything about you. Oh, probably not everything. He means butt stuff. What stuff? Am I right? I don't know. He won't tell me. The stuff with the butt. What butt? The butt stuff that you do. Who do? Who do? Do what? The power of the butt stuff. I'll give you a moment to talk to your dad. Oh yeah. He's our dad. But, wait, canonically, he's Gandalf. Gandalf. I said Gandalf. I just got an accent. Wow, that's a longer than I thought. Oh, so it's two Ts for you. Okay. Burbo, stay right there for a second. I already fucking did it today, didn't I? Yes. No, no, no, this is, oh no, it is the same day. Well, I believe if I, I'm a bit of a student of magic. It's a 24 hour period, not midnight to like midnight kind of deal. You didn't sound that confident when you said that. I've got a sexy like easiness, you know. A way of lying, yes. We are all picking up on that. Gotta do a different spell. Listen, I've spent a lot of time on the fringes. Not being welcome to society. And now I've got the sexiness of all of new, new, Arcanium City. Save for three of the sexiest battle wizards there are. So I'm just going to need to steal your sexiness. If I can say something, we should probably just do it. Because if everyone's threes and he's like a fucking 19, no one's going to want to hang out with him. Sorry, but I'm not going to put on clothes. And then I swing the void blade at Burboskroll. Okay. The right void blade. There's a left one also. Oh, I thought you meant like the correct one. It, well, it is the correct one because I am right handed. Oh, okay. So I'm going to do something I didn't say. Should we all state the handedness of our characters? Yeah, yes, please. Go ahead. Don't say ambidextrous. That's bullshit. It's right. Yeah, dad. Yeah, dad. Yeah, dad. I am left handed. Thank you. And right handed. No. You said I couldn't say ambidextrous. I wear my crystal fists on my right hand, but I use my left hand to break little crystals off my crystal fists to throw them at people. Okay. So I guess I'm ambidextrous is what I'm saying. So why are we talking about this? Oh, okay. That's me. Yeah. You started it. Okay. Just in roll battle. How many battles do you have? Two. Okay. Burbo gets four. Four. Why is Burbo rolling? He's the fucking sexiest. Okay. Okay. You're right. You're right. Sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. I got a five. I got a six. I got one sexy wrist and it bounces off of his awesome leather bracelet. Can you describe the wrist? Yeah. It looks like this. It's got a pineapple on it. And he's got some blue nail polish. It looks so good. Like he works out at least twice a week. Okay. I am going to summon. Burbo Scrawl is just an integrate of Travis McElroy. You're going to Kaiser says eight at the end. I am going to summon turtles from the sewer. I'm sorry, dad. I did establish turtles don't exist. That's why it's going to be so fucked up. Hey dad, you can still do it. I have a great gag. Oh, it's going to be great. Everybody buckle in. My dad has a great gag about sewer turtles. About turtles who have been mutated and living in sewer. I know what you're thinking. Let him cook. I know what you're thinking. Let him cook. There's no way he's just going to name four other artists. All right, go ahead, dad. Go ahead, dad. I just stomped with laughter under the table and I got down. Just crushed my toe. Are you okay? Almost as bad as Justin crushed my heart. Oh, no. He's fine. The four turtles' names are... Vincent Pablo Salvador and Frida. You're better than this. No, I'm not. He's not. Not you, them. Apparently they're not either. Thank you for being on my level. So I roll three for wizard? Yeah. Do you? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That's been the case. No, that's the case. He's got three. I believe you. One battle, two sexy. You just said it with a question mark. Holy shit. Two sixes. Two sixes. Two sixes. Okay. Now you have to roll two sevens to beat it. No. Wait, let me check. I'm sitting at a table. Why am I sitting at a table? You guys are sitting at a table that are shared. Okay. What happens, GM? So the four turtles appear. Is it fucking hysterically funny? It's actually horrifying. Oh, no. Yeah, they didn't mutate evenly. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. пад пад пад пад пад пад пад пад пад пад пад пад пад пад пад пад Oh, father! Why? It's just two big legs coming out of a normal-sized turtle body and head and arms. One of them has big arms dragging along. That's Vincent. One of them has a big head that's just stuck on the ground. That's Pablo. That's Pablo. And Frida looks pretty normal. Yeah, except for the mustache. Except for a Clint McElroy. It's a unibrow. All right, sorry. Go to the fucking sewers. That's a command. That's a command. Roll. Okay, so the four of them show up. It's pretty good. Okay, what do they do? Geez. He just had the one joke, Travis. Don't make him make another joke. So the four of them show up and they're like, Hey man. No. They yell cowabunga. Cowabunga father. Cowabunga father. Father love turtles. Witness me. Turtles earn father's love. They run backwards and slam into him with their shells. Slamming their bodies. You say run backwards. That's generous. They're mutated. Yeah, there's again, cardinal directions do not necessarily apply to these. They move in their own special way. In their own incredible way. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. They're mutated. You've seen the cartoon. Cartoon? Nevermind. Yeah. They move in their own special ways. Yeah. Backwards and bonk together. Yeah. And they're going to hit verbosecrawl. What could the number possibly mean? Two stress. What kind of stress? It actually says sexy stress. It says here on the sheet that when fake, when bootleg teenage mutant ninja turtles attack your NPC, roll one dice and then that's how much damage that it takes when they bonk you with the shell. Yeah, I'm going to say. Teenage mutant what? All right. We're 46. All right. It's embarrassment stress. Oh yeah. Yeah. Verbosecrawl pulls bricks from the surrounding buildings and they start hurling themselves towards each of you. Yeah. So there's the six. So each of you is going to get hit with three bricks. Unless you can roll battle to avoid them. Yeah. And I do. I just catch one with my crystal. Roll it. I got two force. I got a six. Okay. Gandalf avoids. I don't just avoid. I catch it in a sexy way. Yeah. That's exactly how you do it. Can I do sexy? Nope. That's for sure. Oh boy, I really can't. That's a two. And what did you get Majesto? Four. Yeah. So you each take a stress from getting hit. What's your stress level I done? Zero. Zero. One. Wow. Yeah. You all went to a sauna. That's right. That's right. That's right. Now listen. Give me your sexiness. And he lays on the sexy hard and they need you all to resist with your own sexy roll. Oh, but wait. All of my sexiness according to my literal character. Gandalf, he puts one like under your chin and holds him like give me a sexiness. Can I explain? On my sheet it says why are you so sexy and then it says majestic hair and beard. And it looks like you took those off, huh? So I'll roll one. Yeah. Two. Is it number two? Dan? Home row two. Yes. That's six. Magesto. Get your thinking paws off me. Roll sexy. You can also spend, remember your determination to roll an extra bow. Yeah. One five is my highest. Okay. Hey, Gandalf. Yes. You work for me now. I agree. And I command you to attack those other sexy wizards. Anything you say, boss. You're up, my man. I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to flex so hard that he can't compel my body to do anything. Gandalf. Oh, I was trying to summon a meteor to fall down on you. Well, Gandalf one more time. It's a 24 hour period. Okay. Roll. What do you do? He can't do a meteor. There's other spells. He flips you off so hard. Don't remind him. He flips you off so hard. Roll sexy against it to flex against his painful flipping off. Oh my God. A three. That's your highest out of three. Okay. But then I dig deep down into my determination. Yeah. And I remember the last time that I failed with thing somebody with a pillow and you died and I died from it. From being so hard and bad. And it doesn't help at all. I learned nothing. I learned nothing from that experience. He flips you off. He flips you off so hard you go flying backwards. Oh no. And you take one stress and one determination. Hold on. It's not even done yet. It does more stuff. Hold on. And then a phoenix comes out of it. Cool. It's the bird. And while you're knocked down, Majesto, Burbow comes over and he puts his hand on your forehead and then it's him to drain your sexiness. Oh. Oh. The stakes have never been higher. I summon Sleeves. No. Hold on. When you're pulling it, you feel socks forming on your feet. They grow long and then what's that? Shorts. Oh. As he's pulling. There's nothing I can do. He's taken everything from me. I have two swords that'll never stop him. Two separate swords? You absolute putts. All right. I'm sorry, Dad. Wait. Wait a minute. Not you. Shut up, Clint. You said that you would... Hold on, partner. One of them's not going. Wait a minute. I thought they were two separate swords. No, it's... Oh, it's one. It locks in. Shit, that's cool as fuck. It's cool, right? You get that a KB Toys or what? No. Amazon. Hold on. One of them's flashing now. I got to throw some Amazons. Cool, man. Now what do you do? Well, here's the thing, Trav. Oh. That traded places. No, no, no. I lost it. Now I'm just regular sexy. My sexiness is now a two and my battles a three. Role battle. Hold on. Hold on. For my grand transformation, for my magical girl transformation... Hey, Griffin, I can't hear you. And Justin rolled two extra because Griffin bitched about it. That's a six? Oh, yeah. He chopped one of his toes off. One of the good ones, though. Yeah, man. One of the balanced ones. And he's like, whoa, and you know what's not sexy? I don't know. It's a witch piggy. Which piggy, Justin, do you want to take? The one that goes wee, wee, wee all the way home. Damn, bro. That's cold. Yeah, man. And he's like, nah, my wee, wee, wee piggy. I got to think about some stuff. Just go to the spa. You can grow anything back at the spa. I promise myself I'd never go back there. Oh, it's great, though. Have you scoped his new hog? Yeah. I love the way... Oh, hey, bad news about that. He's styling his pants. Because I fused the two swords together, and now it's just regular and dumb. I meant to update you guys about that. I don't have clothes, but it's just a regular dumb hog now. Some people prefer regular dumb hog. No, not this kind. This is really uncharming, though. Just a really, just a round of a mill. Boring hog. Right over the plate. Yeah. Now I see how you guys get when I talk about sex. Yeah, Clint. And, hey, I'm so glad. I am forced on my own petard. We can all reveal that this is dad's intervention. We've invited you all. Listen, we care about you a lot. So you'd trouble off his piggy and he stumbles backwards. I didn't get it before. Yeah. He stumbles backward. One piggy down. Nine piggies to go. Wait, what? No, that's not how we're doing this. Gandalf? I summon sleaze. Okay, roll. Summon sleaze. Who's going to attack? No, you got to roll first. Greedo, okay. Burbo scroll. Burbo the scroll. Kit Fisto. Wait a minute. Oh. Kit Fisto would be a good sexy world wizard name. It's a Star Wars name. No, I know. Okay. That salacious crumb is also a salacious crumb. It's also a sexy. Jeze. They listen to Jeze. Yes. That's also what they listen to here. Sorry. As we continue to talk about Star Wars, I feel like our TTJ or Time to Jeze has gotten shorter and shorter with every Star Wars discussion. It's now become sort of a race. See who can say Jeze first. Star Wars, Jeze fastest. In the bit. So you summon sleaze. Who attacks with all his turquoise. Well, Clint, it's past sunrise. Oh no. What did you just summon? A core. I got it sunrise. Remember? That's all we had to take a break. Yeah. But with the power of your love. Hold on. I have to squish my little guys every time. This is fucking fair. I have to squish my little guys every time. Sleaze is coming. Sleaze is kind of back. Father. Oh no. Get him, Dr. Moreau. Listen, I want you to run over there. Yes. In your dying moment. What? Yeah. Hey, listen. Oh man. I'm just being open and honest. You're just, you're. You're gonna. Couch it a little bit. You're gonna die. Lead up to it, my man. This is the third time this cat has died. He's not used to it by now. No, each time I think his little stick. You were alive, then you were dead, then you were undead, and then you were un-undead, and now you're gonna be un-un-undead. Oh, I was undead and then I was redead. Get it, Rice? Okay, you're gonna be un-redead. Okay. So what I want you to do is I want you to run straight at that guy. And I want you to die. The sexy one? The real sexy one. Oh yeah. I want you to die in the most disturbing manner possible. Oh God. God to really throw off his sexiness. I want you to be so nasty and awful in front of him that there's no way he can be as sexy as he was. Can I tell you right now, Clinton, am I right? Are you very proud of me? No. There's so many horrible ways to die going through my brain and each one of them is like, don't do that. Okay, how's this? It's so bad. I want him to go. I want him to run up. I want him to reach up and pull himself inside out. I'm a litch, man. I'm a litch. What do you want? What is right, but what is Clint? Is the question that I'm left with. How did you get there? I don't know. I just thought that would really, if somebody's really thinking they're sexy, watching somebody pull themselves inside out. No, yeah, for sure. That's gonna take them off their game pretty much. As Trump is go, that one's gonna be pretty significant. You know what? He runs over and he begins to attempt to pull himself inside out. That'll be even as disturbing. No, no, no. What possible stat could this be to roll? Hey, we don't have to roll, Griffin. I'm gonna tell you what happens. It works about 15%. That's the worst possible amount of percent that it could have gone. And he doesn't give up. And he just keeps making eye contact with you, litch, and saying, For you, father! For you! And pulling harder. And it gets to 16, 17. Can we stop him, please? Because we're also seeing this. 18. Look away. 19. Look away. 18. Again. You're doing so good. I am so proud of you. For you, father! I love you! I love you! I love you! My little sturgeon sleaze. No, I cut him in half. I cut him in half. I cut him in half. I cut him in half. I cut him in half. I cut him in half. I cut him in half. I cut him in half. I cut him in half. I cut him in half. You know what? It ought Gandalf. It breaks the hold over you. It's very upsetting. Sure. Now that it's broken, I remember. Six. I got a six on my back. Yeah, you cut him in half. Both halves pull themselves inside out. I snap back to it and instantly remember. Snap back to reality. There goes Sleaze. And he's inside out. I remember all of my training of 20,000 years across the many galaxies, just learning my craft. And I think of one of the oldest wizard tricks in the book, which is a vanishing act. I look at butt, scrub, burbous, scrub, flat and scrub. Burbous, scrub. Burbous, scrub. Burbous, scrub. And I look at his butt and I snap my fingers and make his butt disappear. And I shout, you shall not ask. Yeah, you don't have to roll. That happens. That works. Hey, everybody, come look at this guy with no ass. What? No, I haven't. I haven't. Not in those jeans. Oh, no, don't say that. This is my best pair. They fit so good. Oh, no, I should be clear. His, the middle of him is now gone. Oh, you said ass. Yeah, sure. That's the back half of the middle. No, no, I don't mean that. Sorry. I don't mean that I've made his butt become flatter. Like that's like some people like that. I'm saying that his butt disappeared. His butt disappears. But not just invisible. It's not invisible. No, no, no, it disappears. And like goes, no, disappear. You mean it goes away. It is just sorry. I guess I'll phrase it a different way. His ass is destroyed. His ass, his ass, his ass is annihilated. The graph annihilated his ass. Yeah. Yeah. Gandalf. Excuse me. And there is some definitely there is some load bearing stuff in the human body. Yeah. Okay, cool. I just want to make sure we're on the same page. So you turned his legs into aslas chat. No, no. I turned him into an aslas chat. Into an aslas chat. Yeah. Okay. His ass goes away. Yeah. Wait, did it ever, quick clarification. Did it ever exist? Has he wiped it from the timeline or just from this room? Yeah. This is where I'll have you roll magic to see how gone it is. Six. Yeah. So his ass is so gone. Yeah. How gone is it? Thank you. Even when he reforms, he'll have no ass. Oh, shit. Yeah. That part will be back just flat. He'll figure it out. Yeah. That's his journey. Hey, I think we won. Yeah. So he, his ass is beers. He drops one ass. About 18 inches. 18 inches? Wow. That seems like a lot. That's a foot and a half, a foot and a half a butt. That's, that feels like 12 max. I don't think a human, but okay. Anyway, sorry. So he drops a, he drops a butt's worth one. Butts worth. Oh, wait a minute. Butt stuff. Clant. Turn his microphone off. He knows. He drops one butt's worth and says not again, which is very enigmatic. Yeah. Oh, stay tuned for the second episode. It's a prequel. And he evaporates and all the sexiness becomes aerated and spreads back to the city. No, I. I've just run through the clant. Like, come on, we've earned this. You know what? You each come out one sexiness more. I'm not, then I'm not, then I'm not done. Okay. Roll. Roll sexiness. You got two now. It might be too much for you. It's a one and a two. It's too much. It's too much for Gandalf. He passes out. Okay. Turgid. I got three. A six. Yeah, it works for you. You still, no. Hey, Ray. Thank you so much. Our dad showed his nipples to everyone. So that's the end of the game. As he's always on rule. I got you over coming out of six. I got a six. I got a six. Yeah. Take yours all. Hey, bye. Bye. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, hey.