Eight Critical Needs Every Mother of Young Boys Should Know (Part 2 of 2)

Help show kids the importance of marriage, family, and faith in Christ. Support focus on the family as we launch the animated film Adventures in Odyssey journey into the impossible. Over 9,000 children each year make decisions for Christ after listening to Adventures in Odyssey, and you can help by donating to the film's launch. There's a dollar for dollar match until May 1st, so your gift will be doubled when you give today. Simply go to focus on the family dot com slash impossible. It's really important for us to create spaces to have connective eye contact. Face contact. Yeah, because so much of our relationship with our boys is going to be corrective. It's going to be directive. Hey, go put your shoes away. Hey, stop doing that. And we really need to work a little harder to look them in the eye and just say, hey, I love you. You're my little buddy. I love being your mom. You're awesome. And that's Molly DeFranc sharing some of her passion and insights to help you parent your boys better. Molly's back with us today on focus on the family with Jim daily. I'm John Fuller and thanks for joining us. John, we had a great conversation last time with Molly. Good stuff. I mean, this is good mom stuff, but it's also good dad stuff about what your boys need to know. Eight things your boys need to know by the time they're 10. And last time we did cover those four starters, which is belonging relationship authority and my favorite fun. And today we're going to cover the next four as we roll out. But think of our boys today. Molly did such a good job last time painting the picture of where boys are at in the culture. We don't do well in school. We're not finishing high school at the rates we used to. We're in the lower 10% of the class scores in the bottom. We're not in the top like we used to be. And I just think it's not a competition in that regard, but it does show an indicator of the health and well-being of our sons. And we've got to identify that. And so, okay, what is wrong and what's going on? Endless comments about toxic masculinity. And it's hard when that is in us to be male, to try to make us to not be male. And that really confuses us. We don't know belonging. We don't know identity. So we're going to continue that discussion today with the next four of those attributes that moms really can drill into their sons by the time they're 10. So they are healthier in their journey in this life. And I'm looking forward to it. If you missed it last time, get the smartphone app because the entire inventory of broadcast and podcasts are right there for you, including Molly's program last time. And we'll have the link for that broadcast app in the show notes. Molly, welcome back. It was so good last time. I have such a great time here. It's for having me. I so appreciate the comments last time too that in your moment of need, you binge focus on the family podcast. Just to give you a little help and hope. That's what the ministries all about for the moms that are in that spot struggling. Get a hold of us. We got caring Christian counselors, great resources. We are a treasure trove of great resources for marriage, for parenting, for all aspects of life. So get in touch with us if you need us. Molly, last time we talked about some great concepts. I want to kick off with bravery today. I like that. Courage might be another way to say that. But little boys are developing that ability to risk to win sometimes and to lose and how to manage both. Well, but it's kind of in us to be brave and to be courageous. And it is kind of sad that often in the culture we're telling boys not to risk, not to be courageous, maybe not directly, but certainly subtly. How do you see that framing up today in the culture for boys? Absolutely. Yeah, Jonathan Hayu, who wrote the anxious generation, he said it really well. He said that we are over protecting our kids in the real world and under protecting them online. Wow. So in order for kids to grow, in order for them to grow in courage and confidence, they need to take risks. They need to fall down and get back up again and say that wasn't so bad or look what I'm capable of. I couldn't believe I could do that. Now I can do something even bigger. And so this is this really important skill that we have the opportunity to instill in our kids, which is be brave, be courageous, give it a shot, use your gifts, but they need to experience risk and failure in order to really grow in courage. And that's the thing that mom sometimes can be hesitant to allow. Sure. You had a great story in the book about your sons who tried out for Lion King. Now, who doesn't like Lion King? It's got all this in their little cub stepping up to be the king against Maphasa. What a great name. Maphasa. But in that regard, what did he learn in his tryout for the Lion King? Oh, yeah, I had this kiddo tried out. He wanted to be the lead in the school play. And he did a great job trying out, but they posted the sheet and he was basically, hyena number three. And he was really sad about that. He was crushed. He put himself out there and it didn't go the way he wanted it to. He risked something and it didn't go according to plan. And he was very sad. He came home. He was so hard in himself. And I really tried to give this kid my best, like my best mothering encouragement. Yeah, what was it? You know, I'm telling him, listen, buddy, I'm so proud of you for getting out there. You tried. You got there. Be the best hyena. You can be. And you know, it was next year, like, who knows what will happen. But I told him, you know, I was giving him Romans 8.28. God works all things out for your good, for his glory. And I don't know what he's going to do with this. It's going to be something good, giving him all the good stuff. And it was like, maybe two hours of this. And I was exhausted. He was taken none of it to heart. And I'm like, hey, where's David? Where's my husband on the tap out? This is getting draining. But I share this story because actually the following year, he tried out for the next school play. And what do you know? He was the lead in the school play. That little boy was Charlie in the chocolate factory. So it was really cool. And he was Charlie. And he was Charlie. Oh, there you go. So it was really great. But whether or not he did get cast as Charlie, the point was he tried out for something. He fell down and he got back up and looking at my role in that process, I was called to speak truth and encouragement to him and telling him, hey, guess what? Your value and your worth doesn't change. I don't care if you try out for the team and you're the only one that gets cut or on your best day and you're pitching a no hit or out on the baseball field. No matter what you're accomplishing, your value stays the same. Like we talked about last month. Why that's so good. That's so good. And so now when our boys have that inner sense of belonging and being fully known and fully loved, they can try and they can fail and they can get back up again because they know their identity is not at stake. That is unchanging. It is given to them by God. So yeah, I like that. They can learn from that. You know, an example we had. Troy had tried out for the basketball team as a freshman and there was three nights in a row and each night boys were let go and you know, told you're not going to make the team and they whittle it down. You know, it's kind of that thing where you start with 30, 40 kids and you need 10 for a basketball team. So he made it through the first night. Very excited. He jumped in the car. Yeah, I made it to dad. He's good. You know, had a good practice and made it through the second night. And I was trying to like, you know, this is great. You know, well done and it's great that you even just got through the first day and the second day now, third day he got cut. And you just have to decide and this is like a dad thing. But moms can certainly play a great role here of comfort because you began in that moment as a boy to think you don't have it. Because that's what that's saying to you and it, you know, to degree it's true. You don't have it right now to be able to make that team and it's so good of you to be able to encourage and say, hey, don't, you know, just do what you can do the best way you can do it. And then let's go from there and maybe next year you could try it again and maybe we can send you to a basketball clinic or whatever. But you've got to not discourage or do any damage to that child by saying, I think you must not have tried your hardest because I know if you tried harder, you would have gotten on the team. That's not helpful in that moment. But you got to be really careful because you're tongue and as a parent, you're tongue at that age, eight, 10, 11, 12 speaks so much life or death into your child. That's so true. And we have this power to encourage and what I would also tell moms and dads to is when your son, when you're encouraging them with a good word and godly advice and encouragement, even when it doesn't look like they're taking any of it in or internalizing any of it, like you never know what seeds are being planted. So I have been encouraged that years later to watch fruit come to bear from things that I've said or counseling given years earlier. So don't be discouraged if you feel like I am doing these things and I'm still not seeing right. It's keep going. Keep going. Yeah. You in this area of bravery, maybe I can combine this so you can answer two questions in one, but this idea of allowing boys to risk is really important. We kind of covered a little bit of that last time, but it's so critical for them to be able to expand that develop confidence, boys need confidence. Sometimes they don't feel like they have it, but they can project it and it's good. And the more they believe in it, the better, right? But that comes over time. Can I hit the ball? Can I throw the ball? Can I be a gentleman? Can I do the right thing at the right moment? All those kinds of things are learned in these early ages of two to ten. In that regard, just talking about the fruit tree there and the strength of a tree in nature versus a tree in what you refer to as the biosphere, maybe you can add that together. What a tree under stress does versus a weak tree and how that relates to us as boys. Absolutely. Well, our kids actually need adversity in order to grow in bravery. It's very interesting because too many moms today we overprotect and we over orchestrate and overdo for our sons, even when they're playing. But research shows that they actually need to take these risks and they need adversity in order to flourish. And here's a really good analogy about that. In the 1980s, there was a group of scientists in Arizona and they wanted to create a biosphere. And they wanted to, I think it was like eight people. They wanted to completely live and stay inside stone. I remember that. Yeah. They had everything they thought they needed and it didn't last very long. This experiment failed pretty quickly because after a short while all the trees that started to grow before they even reached maturity, they just fell down and they looked into it and they thought, gosh, what caused this? And it turned out that trees actually need wind. They need to be blown by wind because that signals to the tree down in the roots. It says you need to build this stress wood in your roots and in your structure. You need to withstand this adversity that is going to come. But in this overprotected dome, these trees did not have any adversity. They had no stress and therefore did not build any stress wood for their roots and structure. And in the same way, our sons, they need difficulty and they need struggle in order to grow. And so we can't steal those opportunities from our sons. They need those. Let's move to tenderness. Now, this one can be controversial. Are we trying to make our boys, you know, overly tender in our anti-male culture? That tenderness plays a role. I like David in this place in the Bible. He seemed like he's a warrior. I would never want to face him on the battlefield. Yet at the same time, he seemed to express such tenderness and awareness. Speak to this value of tenderness. Well, absolutely. And, you know, the chapters I'm talking about tenderness, I kind of break it down into building a sense of wonder in our boys. Because if they're staring at a device, they're not appreciating nature and all of these things that God has made, they're not appreciating relationships with other people. And really developing that sense of wonder is what allows us to respect and revere God. And we take our boys outside and we say, look at this beautiful creation. Someone made this. That's the God of the universe. And it allows us to really wonder and marvel at him. And then I talk about having instilling in our boys this accurate appraisal, which I mean, you could call humility, which is just where they get to look at the world. And in a tenderhearted way, say, wow, whatever God made these things, I am smaller than him. I'm looking at what I have and what God calls me to be. And I don't measure up. And that's kind of what I'm talking about with this accurate appraisal of self, which leads us to grace, which is what I talk about in this tenderness theme. We want to raise strong boys with soft hearts. We want to raise boys who are willing to take inventory of their sin and where they can improve and also appreciate the love of a good God. So in this section, I really talk about preaching the gospel to your boys. Don't just rely on, oh, they get this at Sunday school, they get this at church on Sunday. No preach the gospel all the time to your sons. Preach it over and over again and help them see that they're deeply and unconditionally loved, but they're also flawed and prone to sin and they need help outside themselves. I heard I was reading up and researching this book about moms of some of these faith giants in the past. And one of them, one of these boys said, you know, my mom used to plead with us to accept Christ. And I really dwell on that because I'm thinking I've never heard anyone say that before. But I sure do plead with my boys. You have to turn in this assignment or hey, you've got to stop pestering your sister. But it's like what's more important than the eternal salvation of our boys. So on the bedrock of relationship and that rapport we have to plead with our son, there's no more important decision you will make in your life than to trust Christ to put your faith in him. So what do you think about that? You had a story in the book where you hit a time where you were really struggling with one of your foster kids. How did grace show up in that circumstance? And I guess that tenderness wrapped in grace. Mm hmm. Yeah, so I had been my favorite time to pour into my kids is on the drives to school. That's when I've got a captive audience. They're not going anywhere. They're stuck with me. We'll read a Bible verse or a proverb or we'll talk about an old hymn and I'll kind of talk through it with them. And you know, I got real life kids and life is real and people are trying to eat breakfast and drop it in. And so these moments don't always go smoothly. But I had been teaching my kids. We've been listening to this song, Amazing Grace. And I've been talking about the word grace and what it means and how it means unmerited favor, which means you don't deserve it, but you're given this love and forgiveness anyway. And I didn't think the kids had been listening to be honest with you. But one day we were driving around with a foster child who'd been through a lot, but she was having a bad day and it was coming out and she had kind of said something mean. She said, I hate everyone. I hate this family and everything. And it was so deflating because I'd been trying so hard all day. And the car fell silent for a moment. And then one of my sons pipped up and said, look, hey, you guys listen, an opportunity to show this girl grace and I about lost it. Wow. Because it showed me, oh my goodness, again, like we've had been talking about. I was thinking these seas I had been planting were just throwing the wet spaghetti and it was fallen to the ground. But no, some of it stuck. Some of these seeds had planted in their brains and it just was so deeply encouraging to me. So it shows me that these little deposits that you're making as moms in these in between moments, even if kids are hitting each other with their bibles. I remember one of my kids said we keep new morning mercies in our car. Sometimes we'll read that. And one of my kids threatened at one point, I'm going to hit you with new morning mercies. I thought that was like the funniest phrase. Like, oh, brother, but anyway, even when it's chaotic, these kids are still gleaming little things from everything you're doing. This is focus on the family with Jim daily and our guest is Molly DeFrank. And we're talking about the content in her book called mothering boys. Eight things your son needs from you before he turns 10. So much good content in this. Get a copy of the book from us and other helpful resources we have for you at focus on the family.com slash broadcast. And John, let me just add, you know, for the grandparents listening, this is a great book to give the kids, the adult kids, the parents of your grandkids in the most appropriate way. I heard this the other day. I went ahead and ordered the book. Here's a copy, but it sounds great. And then hopefully they could take it from there. Yeah. But a good idea as well. Molly, you were talking initially like tenderness and we tipped into creativity a bit there, but every mom kind of dreads the words, I'm bored. And Jean had such a good attitude because we had a big, we have a big basement. And it was the boy basement, right? All the Legos and a rector sets and marble things that they could create. And you know, to this day, the boys will say, you know, you really sparked our creativity and our play and our imagination by letting us run into basement and build things and do things. Now I learned just last night I learned this story. We had a jogging machine down there and we had one of those kind of big soft balls that you work on your core. They turned only last night at 25. They used to take that ball, turn the treadmill up to 50 miles an hour and then put that ball through and they said that treadmill jumped all over and would shoot the ball out the back. So you might want to pay attention, but, but I mean, I love that idea of creativity and the, I'm bored. So is it okay to be bored? And then what do you do with it? Absolutely. And we're terrified of boredom to our detriment and to our kids detriment because they need it. Boredom is not a problem for us to solve as parents. It's an invitation for our kids to use their creativity and look around and think about what they're good at and what they're into and to make new neural connections, maybe go knock on the neighbor's door, make a friend, build those relationships. So I just want to make sure boredom has a benefit because I could air on the side of keeping them entertained as long as possible. You're saying that's not necessary? No. No. And in fact, the average eight year old kid is spending five and a half hours per day consuming digital entertainment. So this is not a good hobby for our kids. It's actually eroding our kids ability to think and to problem solve because they're just passive spectators. You know, when we use digital entertainment to avoid boredom, it's kind of like, have you seen those little like overweight dogs that people will put in a stroller? I get tired. I've seen that. It's sweaters. Yeah. Sweater, stroller. Right. You're like, it's so ironic because if you just took the dog out and let him walk, he'd be in shape, you know, but it's the same thing with boredom. That's interesting. Good analogy. This is a skill that our kids need. And there are so many talents that they have. You know, I will tell you and this goes back to my first book, but I assumed my oldest three kids, their favorite hobbies were each a different video game. And then I took all their digital entertainment away for a time. I do think there's a place for it in moderation, but took it all away. And after we did this detox on them, they each had a favorite hobby that had nothing to do with the device. So I would say if you're a parent and you're like, well, this is what my kid likes to do for fun, it doesn't have to be. So I really encourage parents to get your kids outside, especially for boys. Did you know that average boy is more active than 69% of girls? Wow. Yeah, I read that. It's kind of in the genes. I mean, movement and action are part of who we are. Not only that, they're actually identifying a new condition. They're calling virtual autism where these kids will come in and they'll present like they have autism. But upon closer scrutiny, they'll see, oh, no, this is not autism. These are kids who have been sitting, not moving around. They haven't been hanging upside down on the swings or running around in circle. They haven't had enough physical activity. So they're exhibiting symptoms that resemble autism, but it's not. So do not underestimate the digital impact on your kids. And I say for your youngest kids, they should have almost no interactive digital entertainment. Our youngest kids should not be gaming. I encourage you to try a detox if you want to pick up my earlier book. It's very helpful. But yeah, get your kids outside. Change how you hear. I'm bored. It's not a problem for you to solve. Yeah. And we've covered Molly's book, digital detox in a previous program. And I recommend you look for the link at focus on the family.com slash broadcast. Molly, we're at number eight. So this is like the reverse countdown. We went one to eight, not eight to one, but here it is emotional durability. First, define that for me because that sounds like one of those words that we can all walk away thinking we heard what it meant. But tell us what it is. Yeah. I think moms need to teach their sons how to understand voice and process their emotion in healthy ways. I think we are the front lines and they're most likely to share these feelings and open up a little with us. And I think really where we go wrong as a culture sometimes is we were tempted to kind of go one of two ways. You know, sometimes there's this trend to like overshare and share all the time and just wallow in your feelings, which is unhelpful. But on the other end of the spectrum, sometimes we'll say, well, then we men should be your boys should be stoic and never have any feelings at all. And I don't think I don't think that's right or biblical. I even look to Jesus. And it says in Hebrews during the days of Jesus's life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears. He we see Jesus had compassion. He was moved with compassion for people he wept when Lazarus died. We see all kinds of examples of emotion. Um, so I think it's so critical for us to teach our sons how to name their emotions, how to process them. What is an appropriate place to share those emotions? Um, they have actually looked into this and just naming how you're feeling helps you calm down. Yeah. It's pretty powerful. I'm smiling because I, you know, I should have bought the chart of the faces, but I would draw them every time. I mean, that's so you still draw faces on some notes. Well, I do actually, but you know, I used to take, you know, happiness, joy, sad, angry and to get, especially my first born Trent. And I'd try to get to where he's at. Like, tell me and I quickly scribbled this out and he pointed one. You know, he was so upset. He couldn't even speak. And you know, he'd point to anger or whatever. I said, okay, that helps me now. And then I'd go from there. But yeah, find some tool. Maybe something you could buy that, you know, to keep writing, but to identify those emotions, that's really good. I'm trying to think in that, you know, again, two to or one, two to eight, nine, 10 year old face, what does durability emotionally look like? I mean, I, I'm not even sure that I could identify what that would begin to look like. Yeah, I think it's just the idea that you can feel something, but it doesn't have to debilitate you. Um, and you might, if you're listening and you're, you're apparent, you might have kids all over the map on this. I know I got one kid who is very stone faced sometimes. Like this kid will be opening up Christmas presents or birthday presents around the family and you see no expression in his face. And at the end, I'm like, are you okay? Like, did you have fun? He's like, yes, the best day of my life. Like, can you tell your face? Cause grandma, I'm sorry, is this your husband? No, this is one of my sons. So I'm freezing. Husbands are the same way. What do you mean? This is the best day of my life. Can't you tell? I know. You're like, can you be more expressive and be great. So you know, some of these boys, you need to kind of help give them language to process. They're like, Hey, if someone gives you compliments, good to say thank you. Or, you know, this, this is coaching they need, but you might have another boy and I do wear really big emotions, really big feelings. And the coaching for that boy was like, Hey, it's good to have your feelings. It's good to share your feelings, not everywhere with everyone. So we're in the grocery store and you know, for sure when you're two and three, that happens. But when you're getting to be five or six, like, share that with me in the car, you know, so there's appropriate ways to just feel your feelings, name your feelings. And then what can we do? We're not, we're not a slave to our feelings. And that's the really empowering thing. It's like, we can feel these things. I look at the Psalms and all over the Psalms. I see, you know, the Psalmist will say, I'm feeling hopeless or I'm feeling afraid. And these feelings are voiced. And then it's like this coaching of, and here's what I know to be true about God. And then at the end, they're like, and so I'm going to worship God and so I'm going to trust in God. And this is such a great and useful pathway in teaching how, teaching our sons how they can process their own emotions and that emotions are good and God wired us with those things. But they don't need to debilitate us and we can, we can still live our lives and act and not be debilitated, which I think that is what the culture is kind of doing. It's like, if you feel this, change your reality to adapt to your feelings. And it's like, well, that's not really reality. Yeah. It's so good. Molly, this is a great start. Mothering boys, eight things your son needs from you before he turns 10. There's probably 800, but these eight really do hit a lot of great themes and great thoughts. And at the end there is we were talking about those kind of outside of the book issues, whatever you're dealing with, give us a call. We've been around almost 50 years now answering questions from you, the listeners, to help you in that parenting journey. We're here for you and we have decades of experience in answering those questions. I love that. Dr. Dobbsy, you say, let's answer the question, put it in the database so that we can answer it more quickly next time somebody calls. So we've done the research, we've looked at it and we can give you some biblically based perspective on that issue that you're facing. Do it twice a week. We don't care. Get in touch with us. We're here for you. Yeah. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family. And if you'd like to speak with a counselor, we can schedule a time for them to give you a call back. Now another resource we have is Molly's book, Mothering Boys. And we'll send a copy of that to you when you make a monthly pledge of any amount to the ministry. That's our way of saying thank you for stepping up and providing those funds on a regular basis. So we can strengthen families and equip moms and dads to be the best parents they can be. And John, I'd like to remind everyone of what these donations pay for. And Jean and I support the ministry monthly. I know you and Dean had to over the past 12 months, thanks to the generosity of friends like you. We were able to help more than 660,000 moms and dads with parenting skills. 660,000 moms and dads to improve their parenting skills. That's incredible. We equip them to build closer family bonds and teach important lessons about faith and character to their children. I think that's right where we need to be. We're investing together in the next generation. And I can't think of a better way you can do ministry other than through focus on the family. So make a monthly pledge or send a one time gift whatever you can afford. And let's see how God will bless our efforts the rest of this year. And again, our number is 800, the letter A in the word family. That's 800, 232, 6459, or donate and get Molly's book when you click the link in the show notes. And thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daily. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Live your truth. A lot of people say that, don't they? But truth isn't something we decide. God has decided it for us. And it's our job as believers to share his truth with a world in need. I'll encourage you to do that through my podcast, ReFocus with Jim Daily. I visit with fascinating guests about important topics like gender confusion, cancel culture and more while helping you share God's love with others. Listen at ReFocus with JimDaily.com.