Savage Lovecast 1019

One thing I've learned about people's sex lives after talking to them for over 11 years on my show, the Strictly Anonymous Confessions podcast, is that their sex lives are way more interesting than they let on. On my show, I talk to real people about what they're really doing behind closed doors. I talk to hot wives and swingers and men and women with secret lives and secret fetishes and so much more. The anonymous conversations are real, raw, fun, and funny, and spicy, and educational too. So if you're super curious and want to hear all about the wild lives that regular people are really living, then go check out the Strictly Anonymous Confessions podcast, wherever you get podcasts. That's Strictly Anonymous Confessions podcast. I post new episodes daily so there's always something new to explore. You're listening to the Savage Love Cast, Dan Savage's Sex and Relationship show for grown-ups. If you're under 18, get out of here, young'un. If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony, while there's nothing you can't ask, on the Savage Love Cast. Two stupid things and one absolutely tragic thing before we start the show this week. Stupid thing number one, cruise ships. A few years ago, actually a dozen years ago now that I think about it, a gay cruise line offered me and Terry a free vacation 10 days on a boat with 2,000 other gay men if we would just give a couple of talks, host a couple of cocktail parties, and make ourselves available to mingle, I think, just to mingle on that gay cruise. I had three questions for the cruise director. That was his title, like Julie McCoy from Love Boat. My questions were, what time does the music start? What time does the Unche Unche Unche music end? Can you hear the Unche music all over the boat? 10am, 6am, and yes. Dance music, I can't escape. I wouldn't last 10 hours on that boat. I told Mr. Julie McCoy much last 10 days. It would have been Dan overboard in the middle of the first night, so we passed. Passing wasn't hard. I've never really wanted to go on a gay cruise. I have friends who love them. I see lots of their gay cruise picks on their Instagram feeds. If you love a gay cruise, if you're all about it, that's great. I am not here to yuck your yum or cock your cum or buck your bum. I could do this all day. I like things other people don't. I think people should be allowed to like what they like. If you like gay cruises, please gay cruise your heart out. But just in general, I don't get cruise ships. I don't even like to think about them, which I don't usually have to do. But we're all thinking about them right now because of the Hentavirus outbreak on that Dutch cruise ship. I was really frankly surprised that people got back on cruise ships after what happened early in the COVID pandemic. Italian villages cruise ships and Tom Hanks were the early epicenters in the west. And in March, April, and May of 2000, does no one remember this? Thousands of people were trapped on cruise ships in oceans all over the world with sick and dying and dead passengers. I wasn't on that ship, but I am convinced right now that I have Hentavirus and I looked at the news this morning and I'm convinced maybe I have Ebola too. I mean, can you hear how raspy my voice is? And I have the sniffles. I know, I know. Hypocondriacs like me, we are exhausting. But the thing about hypocondriacs like me, each and every one of us is vindicated in the end because hypocondria does not make you immortal. At some point, it is cancer or the Andes strain. Stupid thing, number two, straws and the manly men who fear them. US Representative Tim Burchett was asked by a reporter from Fox News because of course it was a reporter from Fox News. Burchett was asked whether he agreed with other talent on Fox News that he shouldn't be seen in public, that men shouldn't be seen in public drinking out of straws. Fox News has been trying to make this fetch happen for a long time. They've been trying to convince us that there is something gay about using straws because of sucking. Here's what Burchett said in response. I don't drink out of straw, brother. That's what the women in my house do. Do I even need to mention that Burchett is a Republican from a red state? Probably not, not with that accent, not with that attitude. Republican from Tennessee, where the official state drink is milk, which looks kind of like a big glass of something you might be served on a gay cruise. Anyway, all you fucking Republicans out there who think there's something gay about sucking on a straw, there you are at breakfast, lunch, and dinner swallowing. You put food in your mouth, you chew it up, you swallow it. Maybe you wash it down with a big sip of milk, which looks kind of like, you know, but you swallow all the time. Isn't swallowing arguably just as gay, if not gayer, then sucking? People reluctantly suck. People unenthusiastically suck, but swallowing? Swallowing means you liked sucking. I think if you're going to be consistent with your performative gay panic, Congressman Burchett, you shouldn't suck or swallow. Sucking and swallowing, that's what gay men do on cruise ships. Real men, real men, have feeding tubes installed. And finally, the tragic thing, this is a little jarring, this transition, but I really wanted to say that my heart goes out to the friends and family of Juniper Blessing, the 19-year-old trans woman, the student at the UW here in Seattle who was brutally murdered last week. The details are horrifying and thankfully a suspect is in custody. We don't yet know the motive, but the randomness and brutality of Blessing's murder points to a hate crime. We live in a time of escalating anti-LGBT rhetoric in the trans community. The T has been particularly targeted by this awful administration and anti-queer violence, anti-trans violence, anti-gay violence, inevitably rises in an environment of anti-queer and anti-trans rhetoric. So now more than ever, we need to watch out for ourselves and watch out for each other. All right, and there's no way this segue won't be awkward, so we're just going to acknowledge the awkwardness, awkwardness acknowledged. Let's do the show. Coming up on this week's show, a caller self-diagnosed his autism, and I diagnosed him with a run-of-the-mill case of Madonna-Hore complex. A woman with insensitive nipples wonders whether piercings might help or hurt, and a gay man doesn't understand the allure of sloppy blowjobs. I'm guessing he's not the gay cruise type either. And joining me for the interview on the magnum version of the show that you can subscribe to at Savage.Love, comedian Jamie Wolfe, the straight comedian that moms should forbid their teenage sons to listen to, so that their teenage sons listen to him. Jamie and I talk about why it's better for straight men to sleep with women who have experience, women with big body counts, and Jamie shares what he learned about himself while listening to his freshman college dorm mates have loud gay sex in their shared room every night for a year. To hear my interview with Jamie, who is hilarious, you need to become a magnum subscriber, which you can and should do right now at Savage.Love. And on this week's After Action Report, coming to your feats on Friday, I interview a man who tried three new things in one very sexy session. I'm not going to give it all away, but let's just say that it's a positive story about a trans person, about a trans dominatrix that you will want to hear. Listen to After Action Report every Friday for both micro and magnum listeners in your feeds wherever you get your podcasts or at Savage.Love. All right, let's get to the first call. This episode of the Lovecast is brought to you by the good folks at Squarespace. They make it easy to build a beautiful website, blog, or online store. Head on over to squarespace.com slash Savage for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code Savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, makers of the best mattresses ever. And right now my listeners get 27% off site-wide when you go to helixsleep.com slash Savage. This episode is brought to you by VB Health, doctor-formulated supplements that work. To learn more about load boost, drive boost, and soaking wet, and to get 10% off, visit VB.health and use the code Savage. Hey, Dan. I'm a 44-year-old married male from the Northeast. I feel like I was undiagnosed as a child as autistic. And I came to that just by my own research as an adult as to what I guess triggers are or signs of being autistic are or on the spectrum or whatever. And it's kind of been a running joke in my family, oh, that's the tism or that's because you're on the spectrum or I could definitely relate to Sheldon on Big Bang Theory, but either way, I'm calling because I recently started talking to my wife about my kinks. And I have some out there kinks and nothing that would necessarily be gross or disgusting or anything. But I've always been somebody that separated my quote-unquote loving relationship from girls that I had only known for as sex partners or sexsters or what have you. When I met my wife, we were in a long-distance relationship for over a year before we actually met. So we texted, we fell in love with each other, each other's hearts, and then we finally met after a year and everything went from there. We were married two years later. But I always kind of kept my sexual kinks or taboos closed off. And it was just a disconnect in my brain. This is the girl that I'm going to spend my life with and that the other girls were just kind of there just for sex. And I know that's objectifying women. I'm not in disagreement of that. But my biggest issue was I feel more like I identify with a polylifestyle. My wife is completely against it. She's very vanilla. And I know that that kind of bit me in the eye. So it's something that I have to deal with. And she knows that I'm kinkier than she is. She knows that I like to frequent adult theaters, adult bookstores. And she's okay with it. It's kind of like, you know, don't ask, don't tell, or what have you. So she's okay with a lot of that. But I've recently opened up to her about stuff. And I've always seen her as less kinky than I, which she admits. But I'm just wondering if there's other people out there that tend to separate their sexual side from their romantic side or married side. And how to kind of integrate that. My wife and I don't have a great sex life. And half of it's because, you know, because of my brain, like, she doesn't turn me on as much or I'm not attracted to her. And it has nothing to do with anything sexual. It's just something disconnecting in my brain. Am I like unique in that aspect? All right, this is a little complicated because I want to acknowledge that there are people out there who have fully integrated sexual and romantic lives, who have kinks that they cannot enjoy and don't do with their romantic partners. Somebody who got a serious degradation kink doesn't want to be degraded by their spouse. It doesn't work to be degraded by their spouse. It feels wrong and hard to separate from the rest of the relationship. And so degradation play is something they've only ever done with a casual partner, not an intimate or romantic partner. And that's, I think, a valid way for a kink to express itself or be expressed. That said, nice that you've self-diagnosed with autism. A lot of people are self-diagnosing with autism lately, but I don't think this is related to autism. I think this goes back farther and to a much more cliche place, which is just your run of the mill off the shelf Madonna-Hore complex. The way you describe your sex life as always having worked, you have these kinks, you have these sexual interests, and you can only really do them and enjoy them with women you don't care about, with women you don't respect, your wife that you love and regard as less kinky than you are and are less interested in sexually because you can't express yourself fully sexually with her. She's up there on the pedestal. She's the Madonna and these other women, even if you don't hold them in contempt, they're whores. They're just the sex objects that you need them to be, even if you treat them with respect, even if you treat them like human beings, they are not people you care about. What you've had a hard time integrating are your kinks and enjoying them with somebody that you care about, backing way the fuck up to what I opened with. There are people out there whose romantic and sexual lives are fully integrated and there are aspects of their erotic imagination. There are kinks. There are things that they enjoy that they can't enjoy in the context of romantic relationship. It doesn't work to do it with the boyfriend, the girlfriend, the envy friend, the husband, the wife, the spouse. If you're in an open relationship, that might mean you get to do that particular thing with your partner's permission and consent with someone else. If you're in a monogamous relationship, that might mean even if you have kind of a thing for erotic, consensual degradation and you're in a monogamous relationship and it doesn't work for you to do that with your spouse, well then that means you have to pay the price of admission to be in that relationship and the price of admission is you don't get to do that thing. But what I would challenge you on, what you need to integrate is no longer to make this separation, to fight against the separation that you have long made between the kind of women that you can enjoy your kinks with, women you don't care about, these women that you sexed with and the woman or the kind of women that you love and respect. You love and respect your wife. You would like to have an open relationship. Your wife is not interested in an open or poly relationship. If you're going to be with her, you're going to have to be monogamous to her, which means then you either don't get to do these things that you enjoy, these kinks that you've explored with other women, don't get to do those things, only get to enjoy them in fantasy or taking baby steps. You could explore the foothills of the mountains of your kinks with your wife in a low key way. You could talk to your wife, you say you've talked to your wife about what your kinks are, are there elements of your kink, the baby steps, the molehills of molehills before the mountains, things that speak to your kinks, that maybe aren't your kinks fully realized, fully baked out of the oven, that vibe with your kinks. And maybe if you could explore those things with your wife in a low key way, you would see with your own eyes that you can indeed do something in a low key way that speaks to your kink or that is adjacent to your kink with somebody, your wife, that you care about. Might work, might not work. If it works, great. You've begun to dismantle your Madonna Hork complex problem, that there are women that you enjoy sex with and there are women you love and those aren't the same women. If not, you have a little clarity that the things that you enjoy that you can't do with your wife because you're in a monogamous relationship wind up in the file of just things you can't fucking do. So Dan, I have a bit of a problem. When I first started dating my boyfriend, he had a bit of issues with alcohol. And I shared this with my friends and family, including some incidents that he had. And now everybody hates him. And he is a good guy. He legitimately was struggling with substance abuse. But I feel like I've punished his reputation. Is there any way to walk this back and be like, just kidding, he's actually a good guy? The only way to walk this back, the only way for him to prove he's a good guy is to show up and be the good guy. You confide it in your friends that this dude, when you first met him, was in the throes of alcohol abuse, substance abuse, addiction. You can go to your friends and say, he got the help he needed. He got into AA or he got into rehab, got the treatment he needed. And he has improved. And the good guy that was buried under all the drugs and alcohol has emerged, has come to the surface. And I want you to give that guy, that good guy that was buried under all the drugs and alcohol, I want you to give that good guy a chance. Your friends may go into their interactions with him, highly skeptical of whether he deserves that chance. They may wonder if you aren't blinded by love, whether you have rose-tinted glasses on, whether you're engaged in some motivated reasoning here, or codependent behavior, or twatful thinking because you're really into the guy. And you can't prevent them from going into those first interactions with him after hearing about how bad his drug and alcohol abuse problem might have been. You can't prevent them from going into those first interactions skeptical about whether he's a good person or good for you. And he can prove that he's a good person and good for you by being a good person and being good to you. One thing I want to flag for you when risk you're running here is if you go to your friends now and say, oh, that guy I told you was like a total mess and not a good guy, actually a good guy. If things start to go south with him again, drugs and alcohol, it may make it a little harder for you to cut ties with him if you feel like you're losing face with your friends. Don't make that mistake. If you go to your friends now and say, listen, I want to vouch for him, I said when we first met he was a mess and he was. He is not a mess anymore. He has gotten his shit together. I'm giving him another chance. I want you to give him a chance to for me. Do me that favor. You don't want to hesitate to go to your friends who may be skeptical in three months or six months. If he's drinking again and say, oh, yeah, you were right. I should not have given him a second chance. Don't make that mistake. If he falls off the wagon, if he demonstrates that the good guy thing was an act and the bad guy thing is the bedrock is the reality, don't stick around for fear of losing face with your friends. Go to your friends and say to them the things that friends we confide in about our relationships love hearing more than anything else. Oh my God, you were right and break the fuck up with him. Hey, love cast listeners. So not to be rude, but have you have you thought about improving your website? I mean, it looks really good. It does. It's just, um, well, some of the links don't work and the fonts don't match. And I was thinking maybe it's time for an upgrade, you know, and while you're at it, why not use Squarespace? Now I'm not a designer and it's just really hard to make a website look good. So I'm all too happy to use Squarespace. You choose from professionally curated layout and styling options to build your own online presence with your own special sauce, and it's customized for every device. Easily launch your website and get discovered with integrated optimized SEO tools so you show up more often and more people and grow the way you want. And if there's a commerce aspect to your site, Squarespace has you covered. You can sell exclusive content by adding a paywall to sell memberships or courses or sell files your customers can download like PDFs, music or books. Make checkout seamless for your customers with simple payment tools, except credit cards, paypal and Apple Pay. It's so easy. It's not a problem. Head on over to Squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to Squarespace.com slash Savage and use the offer code Savage to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain that Squarespace.com slash Savage and use the offer code Savage. Hi, Dan. I'm a woman living in the area in my 40s. I have a question about piercing and sensitivity in the breasts. So I have very beautiful breasts, because I happen to department and not planning to have children or breastfeed therefore. And I've never had sensitive nipples. These are pretty, but I call them purely decorative. And but I'm wondering with people who pierce their nipples and have, you know, like the rings or the half of this, like other piercings, does that increase sensitivity? Would considering such a piercing like would that potentially make my nipples more fun to engage with? Or what do people say? Because I've definitely seen people, you know, pierced them, I'm not a nudist, so that would be for private, you know, use. And yeah, so what's up, what's up with nipple piercings? Do people generally say that it makes them more sensitive? What do you got to lose? You say that you don't have particularly sensitive nipples right now, that they're not really an erogenous zone for you. And so if you get them pierced, maybe like some people report, that will boost sensation for you when you will suddenly enjoy nipple play. But others report getting their nipples pierced and suddenly losing sensation due to the rings being in the wrong place, maybe, or hitting a nerve. And I don't understand how you can necessarily like they say this is an improper piercing. If you lost sensation, then a nerve might have been pierced that should have been avoided. And doing people who do nipple piercings have X-ray vision where they can see where the important nerves are in your nipples and know how to avoid them. How do you control for where exactly the important nerves are and avoid driving a spike through them? Which is why we were talking about my nipples, which we don't talk about often enough on this show. So let's take this opportunity. We're talking about my nipples. I would never in 100 million years get my nipples pierced because mine are really sensitive and I am really dependent on that sensation that kind of require it. So I've never even thought about, except with horror, thought about getting my nipples pierced because even if the risk of sensation loss was one or two or five or 10 or 20%, it would be too great a risk to take. Even if sensation loss was low probability, it would be high consequence. One of those low probability high consequence events I obsess about. And so yeah, I would never because I have so much to lose. I don't understand why you wouldn't seeing as you have nothing to lose since your nipples aren't sensitive, since your nipples don't play a role in getting you to that point of orgasmic inevitability. You don't require nipple play in order to climax. So yeah, if you get them and your nipples are suddenly sensitive, yahtzee, if you get them and your nipples are no more sensitive than they are now, nothing lost. But absent the piercing, perhaps, nothing gained. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, makers of the best mattresses. That's why my mattress is a Helix Sleep mattress because we wanted the best. The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses including the award-winning Luxe collection. That is ours, of course. Terry will accept nothing less than Luxe. The Helix Elite Collection, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers and even a mattress made just for kids. To figure out which mattress is right for you, take the Helix Sleep Quiz to find your perfect mattress in under two minutes and your personalized mattress will be shipped straight to your door free of charge. And with Helix's 109 Sleep Trial, you can try out your new mattress, see how your body adjusts, and if you decide it's not the best fit, you are welcome to return it for a full refund. They offer models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side like I do, or models with a more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support in stomach and back sleeping positions and other stomach and back positions too. Plus, enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night. Right now, my listeners get 27% off site-wide. Now is the time to invest in your coziness. Again, go to helixsleep.com slash savage for 27% off site-wide. Make sure you enter Savage Lovecast into the post-purchase survey so they know the Lovecast sent you. That's helixsleep.com slash savage. Hey Dan, I had an AI-related sex question. So I experimented recently with Chatcha VT. I uploaded a picture of myself and asked Chatcha VT to make a sexy woman version of myself. And then I proceeded to upload that to GROC because it has the adult mode. And I had AI cyber sex with myself, I guess, kind of trying to unpack why this turned me on. I don't consider myself a narcissist. I've been on this a couple of times. Seems a bit strange and suspected as a bit strange. All right, let's get this out of the way at the top. Nobody should be using AI. AI is evil. GROC is especially evil. It is going to destroy the world and humanity. But where else can you go to have AI cyber sex with an opposite sex avatar that looks like you? Where else can you go but AI? Here is a need that, in most of human history, would have gone unmet and probably unrealized. A lot of people wouldn't realize they would have been interested in this. But oh brave new world that we live in. What do I think? I don't know. I mean, if you Google why are people sometimes attracted to people who look like them, there's a huge body of research out there that there may be evolutionary advantages. A sort of mating that we imprint on sexually as awkward as this is to talk about on our parents when we are young. An opposite sex parents, perhaps if we are a young straight kid, this would be at two, three, four, five. And we are drawn to faces that resemble our parents' faces, which are similar to ours but different from ours. And yeah, you creating an opposite sex avatar of yourself, why would you be attracted to a woman who looked a lot like you? Well, again, I like I said, there's a huge body of research out there explaining just that phenomenon because people have noticed this. Twins or partners, there is an Instagram account I recently linked to it in a struggle session at savage.love that reposts pictures that couples have shared on Instagram asking whether these are siblings or they are spouses. And people debated in the comments and they can search back to the original photograph to find out whether they're spouses, whether they're siblings. And they're almost always spouses who look eerily similar. So we are drawn, many of us, to people who look like us. And you created an AI avatar that looked like you and it was fun to chat with and jack off fantasizing about not fucking yourself, but I think fucking somebody who looked a lot like you, which when you see that Instagram account, yeah, you are not alone in that. I also think it's common that some of us are wired to be attracted to people who are very, very different. And as I discussed with Dr. Matilda Brindle, the evolutionary biologist who was recently a guest on the show, those people, people who are really hardwired, attracted to, driven to find partners, sexual partners, who are very, very different from them, starkly different, who look different, that there may also be evolutionary advantages in that we are a mystery and we've only been really studying human sexuality in a scientific way for about 100 years and only honestly, in a scientific way where we weren't just delving into the science to confirm our priors, our moralistic priors about human sexuality, really in the last 20, 25 years. So we do not yet have answers to all of these questions. I will say though that when you interacted with the AI version of yourself, so there were these images, you're on grok, maybe you'd brought it to life, maybe there was video, but you were really just interacting with yourself and AI technologies read you and praise you and mirror and reflect what it is that you want. And yeah, it's almost like when you jack off, you know just how to touch yourself. And when you were jacking off with an AI assist, you knew through AI, using AI, just how to touch yourself with that computer, that it was saying just the right things because you were telegraphing into the way to it, the things that you wanted to hear it say. So I can see why that worked for you. But of course, AI is evil, AI is going to destroy the world, grok is particularly evil and people should not use it as a masturbatory aid. You want to see somebody who looks like you and jack off to that image? Jesus Christ, just use Photoshop. 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Visit soakingwet.com and use code SAVAGE for 10% off or click the link in the episode description. Hi, Dan. What is it about sloppy BJs? I hear about guys looking for sloppy head and well, I just don't get it. Who needs a puddle of spit all over their dick? Is this a straight guy thing? Am I just too, you know, anal retinive? Please help me understand why anyone thinks this is a good idea. Those kids today, and they're sloppy blowjobs, we've all seen them. Some of us have experienced them. If you've seen them, mostly you've seen them in porn, which is one of the reasons why I think the sloppy blowjob has been popularized and normalized or not one of the reasons why, but that's the mechanism by which the sloppy blowjob was popularized. Porn, there's something about a really wet sloppy blowjob that like a backshot or coming on somebody's face or coming on somebody's tits, you can see it. You can see the slime and spit drooling out of someone's mouth. Sloppy. It's not gross and disgusting. It's just sloppy. And I really think it was porn that popularized that because it's so visual, just like porn popularized, coming on someone instead of coming in someone. So you saw the orgasm, you saw the ejaculation, so much porn. The person gets to the point of orgasmic inevitability, my favorite phrase, pulls out, comes on the person and then shoves back in. Why do they do that? Why do so many people do that when the cameras aren't rolling? Because they've seen it in porn. Why are people aroused by sloppy blowjobs? I think in part because they've seen it in porn, but in part because what are we having sex for? What's one of the reasons we want to have sex? It's really to lose ourselves in the moment, to lose control, to seed control of ourselves to someone else who may be using their dick to fuck our face, fuck our throat so aggressively that we begin to produce a lot of that saliva, even, I don't want to call it bile, just slime. And to lose control like that and be controlled like that for many people that's arousing. And I don't think it's really a mystery why it would be arousing for someone who is into head to be into a sloppy blowjob. It is not a requirement though. And even like this I think points to how the ubiquity of porn popularized the sloppy blowjob. When I first came out of the closet, more than a year ago or more, it was considered uncouth or unskilled to give a sloppy blowjob, to basically produce all of that slime, to get all that spit in someone's lap. That meant you were not good at giving head. You gave head and like things got a little wet. Spit is definitely a part of a blowjob, but you just didn't get it everywhere. And it was really porn showing us people getting it everywhere that turned lots of people on to the idea of getting it everywhere. And then people who came of age, people who were watching porn before they began to have sex, this kind of blowjob was what a blowjob, what many of the blowjobs that they saw looked like. Hence their popularity, hence the popularity of their really wet, messy, sloppy, slimy, gagging, retching, choking at moments, asphyxiating style of blowjob. But it's optional. Somebody offers you a sloppy blowjob and you do not want a lap full of spit. You have some control there. Often it's the person getting the blowjob whose actions induce the production of the slime by throat fucking or by holding the person's head down on their dick and not letting them breathe or engaging their gag reflex. You don't have to do that when you are getting a blowjob. And if you're getting a blowjob from a woman, yeah, don't fucking do that unless she indicates in writing, in triplicate, in advance that that's the kind of blowjob she likes to give because really that wet, slimy, sloppy, face fucking blowjob, a majoritarian taste among gay men, very much, very much a minority taste among straight women. So yeah, consider your audience, consider your cocksucker before you go in for that wet and messy blowjob if that is the kind of blowjob that you want. But call her, it is not the kind of blowjob that you want and you are not required to accept that kind of blowjob. So the next time somebody offers you a wet and sloppy, messy, lap full of spit and slime blowjob, turn them down. All right, time for listener feedback. First up, a few comments listeners left in the comment thread about last week's show at savage.love. There were tons of comments about the older man who was interested in a much younger woman he knew from family satyrs and who thought she might be interested in him too, says Ruby, I'm not concerned about the age gap, but I think the caller should let this be, be friends and take joy in that if and only if she makes it clear she's interested in something more, then double down and make sure she means it. Let her make the move. Otherwise, just enjoy the friendship of a younger woman. That was definitely the sense of the Senate over at the comments at savage.love. If there's a move to be made here, it is her move to make. And this is, according to commenters, almost certainly a case of dickful thinking, very dickful thinking, and I agree. I talked about the Gay National Anthem last week at the top of the show, says Pete, it feels like the current gay anthem is Pink Pony Club. It's inclusive, it's fun and easy to sing, and it has that essential theme about finding community and expressing yourself. It also comes with its own outfits, pink vests, pink cowboy hats, etc. And I knew superstar commenter Jonathan would have thoughts about the AFAB fem presenting non-binary caller who wants to fuck big, hairy, leather clad gay bears and was wondering if she could go to gay bars to hit on big, hairy, leather clad gay bears. I agreed with Dan's response, Jonathan writes, to the woman who was after gay bears. It seems she's blending some gay types here, not all bears are into leather, not all guys into leather are bears. And riffing on my advice to go find a big, fat, hairy, straight guy and get him some leather and encourage him to grow a beard, Jonathan added, the caller will have to build their own bear, as it were, or visit a city with an active enough queer slash bi scene that they aren't just barging into the gay bar. Oh my god, build a bear. I wish I'd thought of that, Jonathan. Brilliant, I laughed out loud. And I know the comparison isn't exactly analogous because the circumstances, the context aren't exactly the same. But the fact that some women are bisexual isn't an excuse for guys to go into lesbian bars and start hitting on the women there. And the fact that some gay bears and gay bars might be by isn't an excuse for women or AFAB people who present fem to go into gay bars and hit on dudes. Everybody needs to be respectful and read the room. All right, if you've got something to say about something I said on this week's show, you can jump into the comment thread to be sure you're heard, or you can call us at 206-302-2064 or email us a voicemail at q at savage.love. But while every comment that goes up on savage.love gets read, we can only play a select few of the comments that come in about the show, which we're about to do because this week, like every week, savage love listeners who left voicemails on our answering machine about last week's show get to have the last word about this week's show. Hey, Dan, I'm a bisexual bear. When I go to the bear bars, I'm there for dudes, trans inclusive, but I'm not interested in seeing women there. At all, I want to be in a male male environment with dudes who are really into my body type. It's a rare thing. That's what I'm there for. This is a comment for the episode that just aired this week. The advice that was given was like it was the 20th century regarding the person that was 30 years older than the other person. The older person can just go online, look up the person on social media, try to friend them on Facebook or Instagram or LinkedIn, whatever. If the person doesn't respond back to the friend request, they're probably not interested. And if they do friend you, then you just start liking everything they posted. You go back, you put smiley faces, you write cute comment or two. And if she doesn't respond, then she's not into you. But this is just a very simple way to see if she's into you or not. You don't have to ask their friends like it's 1975 or something like that. You could just find out online. And if she doesn't respond, you're not too embarrassed. She probably realizes that you maybe were into her hoping, but she's not going to be like, you know, turning it into an embarrassing story or something. Hey, Dan, I'm calling in response to your conversation with Jackie Cation, big fan, by the way, about the dude wanting to get hooked up at Seder. I'm a long time listener. And I gotta say, Dan, I do agree that the age gap discourse has gotten out of control, but also I do think you let your own age gap relationship kind of warp your opinion sometimes. I think there's a huge difference between same sex, age gap and heterosexual age gap. The power differentials are just like completely different. I say this as a bi woman, you know, I feel very differently between age gap lesbians and a man and a woman. And there's very real reasons for that. But on top of that, I just gotta say, you know how you're always going off about how unsexy Christmas is? Well, let me tell you, there is nothing less sexy than fucking Passover. Okay, I am half Jewish. I've been to a million of these. And there is nowhere you want to be hit on fucking less than Passover, especially by your fucking step uncle, because that's what this sounds like to me. So, you know, put that in perspective. I have grin and bared my way through many awkward Passover situations. Jews aren't beating the allegations. This woman's probably already getting up and down why she isn't married to a fucking doctor already. And now uncle Shlomo is fucking trying to put the moves on her. Think twice, dude. That's a fucking nightmare, nightmare fuel. And we are going to leave it there. Got a sex problem, got a relationship quandary, got a comment for us, go to savage.love slash ask Dan to record and upload your question or your comment directly onto our website. Or you can record a voice memo on your very own phone and email it to us at queue at savage.love or you can call us on our landline at 206 302 206 four and leave us a message on our answering machine. And hey, if you just tried something new and you want to share the dirty details with me and my listeners, send us an email at queue at savage.love tell us what you did and you might be my next guest on After Action Report. Berlin, Amsterdam, the best dirty little film festival in the world. The Hump Film Festival is in you this weekend. The screenings in Amsterdam are sold out. So if you are in Europe and you want to see Hump as Hump was meant to be seen and you want to watch porn as we were meant to watch porn sitting next to strangers in the dark movie theater, get your butt to Berlin for tickets, go to HumpFilmFest.com. And while you're there, click on submit to find out how you can get your dirty little film into our dirty little film festival. There's no charge to enter Hump and even better if your film makes it into the festival, we send you a check. Follow me at blue sky at Dan Savage, follow me on Instagram at Dan Savage, follow Jamie Wolf on Instagram at Jamie Wolf comedy for tour dates and more. Go to Jamie Wolf's website, JamieWolfComedy.com. The Savage Love Cast is produced every week by Nancy Hartoonian and me and Nancy on the Tech Seve at Rescue who will all be back catching next week with another installment of the Savage Love Cast. Thank you for town. 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