Prime Video offers the best in entertainment. The end of the world continues with Fallout 2. A global phenomenon, inbegred by Prime. I heard you about what to do in this situation. Look at the epic end of the unwritten story of The Witches of Oz. Buy or buy? Wicked for good now. I'm taking you to see The Wizard. There's no going back. So what you also look, Prime Video. Here you look at everything. Prime is advised, especially to buy or buy. Inhoud can be advertised 18+. All the rules are used to be used. The following series addresses sensitive topics including self-harm and suicide. Listener discretion is advised. Uneasy, tiger. It felt strange. Like, I was talking to some alien who just took over her body. Not my aunt. And it's just so not like her to talk so defeatedly. She always had this, like, there's no problem too big outlook on life. So to see her so quiet and almost frail. Sounds like she's been a source of stability and strength for you. So naturally, it's going to be difficult seeing someone like that in such a vulnerable state. Yeah, I've never seen her like this. Sorry, I just... I don't understand why she's... We don't even know if the tumor is cancer, but she's already talking as if there's no hope. Does that feel reminiscent of your mother? I guess so. My aunt, she actually brought up my mom at the doctor's appointment. Told me about how my mom loved this Chinese dish that I also loved growing up. I think my mom has been on her mind. when my aunt was in the hospital after the seizures she was groggy and she kept calling me sherry my mom's name and then she said some stuff in mandarin but i didn't catch it all i've never heard my aunt talk about my mom this much she even told me that i'm just like her and that i have the best of her she's never said anything like that to me before huh what was it like hearing that good i guess you know what no it wasn't good it's not good the first time i heard someone say that it was deborah and when she said it i was touched like wow I'm like my mom despite everything that happened and spending basically my entire life without her I still managed to have a piece of her within me ingrained in me this whole time but I guess I've never really had to stop and think about all of this like really think about it my aunt and uncle made sure that i had a good life and i have i've never had to worry about anything really i've always had a roof over my head food on the table a good education when i was in high school i god i was friends with this girl katie and we were in algebra together. And one of the supplies we needed for this class was a graphing calculator. And, you know, I go home with my school supplies list and no problem. We go to the store, get my stuff, and that's that. But then the next time I'm in the algebra class, Katie asked to borrow my graphing calculator because she didn't have one yet. Of course, I was totally okay with sharing mine with her, but then the same thing happens the next class. And I'm thinking, why won't she just get this calculator already. Does she need a ride to the store? Anyway, I didn't want to make her feel bad or like she couldn't borrow my calculator. I just didn't want her falling behind in class. So I go home and I asked my aunt and uncle if they can give me a ride to the store so I can buy my friend a graphing calculator with my allowance. And my uncle's like, hon, you sure about that? I'm like, yeah, she keeps borrowing mine. I just want to get one for her. And he's like, those calculators are a chunk of change. And I'm like, okay, how big a chunk? And he says, $90. And naturally, 14-year-old me is like, $90? Anyway, it finally dawned on me, Katie didn't have a graphing calculator because her parents couldn't afford to buy her one. Anyway, my auntie drives me over to Circuit City and she bought the graphing calculator for Katie, even though I offered to use my allowance she insisted we go home and my uncle starts taking the calculator out of the packaging and I'm just like whoa what are you doing and he's like we're taking it out of the package so you can hand it to her in class and tell her that your uncle had a spare don't want her feeling embarrassed so I did just that I went into class and casually handed her this calculator, said my uncle said she could keep it. We never talked about it, but I knew she was grateful. And my aunt and uncle never brought it up. They never expected anything in return because that's the kind of people they were. That's the kind of people I've known them to be. My aunt, she has her moments, but I've always felt loved by them both. Because they did. They loved me. Despite whatever happened between them and my mom, they loved me. I was on a date recently and he asked me about my parents and I realized when he asked the question, I thought about my mother. Before the tapes, if someone asked me about my parents, I automatically thought about my aunt and uncle, talked about my aunt and uncle as if they were my parents because they were my parents. But now these tapes have me thinking, like really thinking about things, things I don't really want to think about that maybe I've been avoiding. So now that I'm allowing myself to go there, to really go there and think about my mother. You mentioned in our last session that thing where people can, like, separate their trauma. Compartmentalization. Yeah, right, that. I think maybe that's what I've been doing. I've been compartmentalizing those thoughts. And what are those thoughts? That my mother left me. that she chose to leave me, and I'll never know why. I mean, yes, intellectually, I know why. Things were hard. She was clearly depressed and maybe undiagnosed postpartum or something, but I don't know why, how she could do that. To her child. So now to hear someone tell me that I'm just like my mom feels wrong. Yeah, maybe we have the same humor and our mouths move similarly when we talk. But at the core of our beings, we couldn't be more different. Because I would never do what she did. Never. and that way we are very different and I think my mom would have wanted that She left me knowing that I would go to my aunt and uncle So I'd like to think that I have the best of them. Is it possible that you have the best of all of them? I mean, yeah, of course. Are you still listening to your mother's tapes? Yes. Pretty regularly? I guess so. You've said that listening to these tapes have given you a chance to get to know your mom for the first time. Having listened to a number of these tapes now, is it possible that you've had a chance to love your mom? I mean, deeply love your mom for the first time? Yeah. And possibly feel resentment towards your mom. For the first time. Sure. You've said that, for better or for worse, that these tapes have given you a new perspective. Your mother's perspective. On everything, right? Mm-hmm. I wonder what could happen if you gave yourself some time between those listens to foster your own perspective. You mean taking a break from the tapes? I mean taking time to process. Think of it as hitting the pause button. Auntie? Uncle? Hello? Anyone here? Auntie? Uncle? Uncle? Hello? Ooh, that's not ominous. What the... Auntie? Are you in the attic? Oh, Lulu. Come on, join me. Okay, what's up with all the horror movie tropes? Huh? Nothing. I'm coming. I don't remember this doorway being so tiny. Oh. What? I just pulled a muscle. You need to stretch. I stretch. You need to stretch every day. Oh, that's going to send me back a week. I'll show you later how to stretch. I know how to stretch. But yeah, show me some moves later. What are you doing up here? I'm looking for a box. It seems that you've come to the right place. Geez, I forgot we had so much junk up here. Not junk. Memories. Debatable? Can I help? Sure. Is there a certain kind of box I should be looking for? Big? Small? Old. An old box. Okay. It's... I've been meaning to... You okay? It's the medication. Slow me down. Maybe you should slow down. Here, come sit. I'm fine. You're not fine. Sit down. You need to rest. I will rest. How about you rest now? Here. You don't have to do anything. except sit here with me and hold my hand. Okay? Okay. I saw your mom last night. Oh. In my dreams. She keeps coming to me. What happens in these dreams? I try to talk to her, but she doesn't talk back. Sometimes she looks like she's going to say something, but then I wake up. Lulu, there's so much I should have told you a long time ago. You can tell me now. Me and your mom. We didn't have the easiest lives. My father, he always struggled. When I was a child, he left Shanghai to go study in the U.S. And he never came back. Wait, but I thought you and Grandpa came to the U.S. when you were a teenager. No. After my mother died, I came to the U.S. by myself. Oh. When my father came to the U.S., he met a woman, another student. She was from Vietnam, and they had a baby, your mom. Your mom and I are half-sisters. Shit. Right. Um, so it's possible that I have a grandmother out there? Why wouldn't you tell me this? Because she wasn't a good... When I moved to the U.S., I moved in with Grandpa and his wife and your mom. It was hard for all of us. One day, I came home and your grandmother was gone. she left a note saying she was going back to Vietnam and my father wasn't himself ever again. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia and Sherry was so sad all the time. But we tried our best to take care of him and then your mom she got pregnant with you and I was surprised but happy, so happy and then you came into the world and changed her and changed me too. Suddenly, Sherry wanted to go to school and find a new job, improve her life. Your mom would go to school and uncle and I would watch you and I thought things were good and your mom was okay. But then one day, I got a call at the shop. It was your mom's friend, Deborah. Deborah said she was worried. She told me that Sherry called her hysterical. Then your mom told her that she was seeing things and hearing things. And then Sherry hung up the phone. So Deborah drove over to check on her, but your mom wasn't there. So that's why she called me. I tried calling your mom, but she wasn't answering the phone. She was supposed to come pick you up that night. So I waited by the door. Sherry. Hey. How are you? I'm cold. Why are you standing outside? I was worried. About? That feeling Deborah had, I felt it too. Sherry, is everything all right? No, I'm exhausted. It's okay. If you need some help with anything, it's okay to ask me. I know. Thanks. Jim and I can always help you with Luisa. Right. Thanks. Can we talk inside? It's freezing. I think maybe Luisa should stay with us for a few days. What? Why? Because it might be good for you. Why would that be good for me? Because you're doing a lot and you're probably stressed and tired. Patty, what are you talking about? Lulu shouldn't be with you when you're like this. When I'm like what? Patty, I'm just fine. Now I would like to come in and see my child. I don think that a good idea Patty get out of my way No I can let you come in What is this Patty go get my baby No Okay then I go get her Sherry, stop. Patty, get out of my way. I swear to fucking God. No, Sherry, you need help. Jim, Jim, go get Louisa and bring her to me. I don't think that's a good idea, Sherry. What? Please, just let us help. You can help me by going and getting me my child. Fuck you both, get out of my way. Sherry, no. Jim, Jim, let go of me. Sherry, please, you're not right in the head. What? Don't make me call the police. And tell them what? That you're kidnapping my baby? Sherry, I know. I know you're having hallucination. Deborah told me. I see. We're just trying to do what's best, Sher. You have a history. Oh, don't I know it. I've always been the crazy little sister. Right, Patty? How convenient. For you both. Luisa can stay with us until we can get you help. You mean lock me up in a loony bin? Like you tried to do with Dad? I tried to get him help. The fuck you did? Get off me. I'm getting Luisa. Sherry, I don't want to get the police involved. Jim, don't listen to her. You know me. Hey, Jim. Everything okay over there? Yep, everything's fine, Larry. Thank you. Right, Sherry. Everything's fine. There's no need for anyone else to get involved, right? Yeah. Right. Sherry, we'll get you help, okay? I promise everything will be fine. The next day, I tried calling her. She didn't pick up. Kept calling, but she didn't answer the phone for days. So I went over to the apartment. I found... I found her. You found her? Yes. When did you find her? A few days after that night. How many days? I think three days. Three days. She didn't pick up the phone for three days, and then you decide to finally go check in on her? I thought she wanted space. You said she needed help. Yes, but she was angry with me. So you decided to give a woman who you thought was mentally unwell space because she was mad at you? Lulu, where are you going? You know, all she ever wanted was your support. Your approval, a sister. That's all my mom ever wanted from you. How do you know that? She was struggling. But she would never do anything to hurt me, and you knew that. But you had to have control, right? To make yourself feel better. For the mistakes your father made. When she tried to take her life the first time, what did you do then? That's right. You did nothing. Luisa. Oh, I'm so tired of all the lies and the secrets and the bullshit to protect me. I was trying to protect you. I have spent so many years wondering why my mother would rather be dead than be here with me. I didn't think she would... I'm sorry. Yeah, aren't you all? Lulu, don't go! Luisa, please come back! Okay, we're recording, Luisa. Go ahead. oh now you're quiet you were just talking my ear off what is the cassette recorder big and scary yeah i know you don't want to be caught saying something incriminating on the record huh i get it babaloo Come on. Mama wants to record this so she can keep it forever. Oh? I see. Can you elaborate? You done? No more talking? What if I... Tickle you! Okay, okay, Mama gives up. Any parting thoughts before I turn off the big and scary recorder? No? Nothing? Okay. Okay. You want a snack? How's a banana sound? Yeah, that sounds tasty, huh? All right, I'll get you some banana. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. What's the matter, my Babalu? What? Mama was just in the kitchen, that's all. Oh, you want to be with Mama? Okay, let's get you out of here. Gonna miss your love The minute you walk out the door Please don't go Don't go Don't go away Please don't go Ha! Yes! Brilliant. Yep. Love this. Oh, God, yep. This made me sob uncontrollably. My assistant will email you all this in a PDF. Yeah, great. Yep, all just tiny notes. Take them with a grain of salt. Okey-doke. Lisa, seriously, I sat in bed last night weeping, and then I burst out laughing again, and I wept some more. And then I cackled. My husband kept looking at me, very concerned. Yeah, well, that's the experience I want for the reader. And you're doing it, my friend. I'm glad you think so. When people think of Gloria, all they ever think of is this teenage girl who survived the Pine Street killings. They don't know about this incredible, nuanced life she had that followed. Yeah, exactly. The people need to know. This woman went on a freaking hero's journey and then some. Oh, yeah. These pages are coloring in those events vividly. I think so, too. You are weaving Gloria's eclectic musings and ramblings into something cohesive and beautiful and inspiring. Thank you. No, no, thank you. You did that. You pulled those stories out of her. None of the former writers on this assignment could do that. But you did. Well, I guess next time you'll hire me first. Without question, my friend. Oh, one last thought for you. Shoot. This is your first memoir, right? Yes. So, all good memoirs have an element of suspense, right? Right. Because we want to draw in the reader, connect with them, yada, yada, yada, right? Yeah, of course. But the most captivating memoirs, the ones that really stick with us long after we've closed the book, Do you know what they offer the readers? A revelation. A confession. Something that you only find out if you read the book. It's like a special gift to the reader. And it's that divulgence that binds an audience to the author. Right. Vulnerability. Yes. And it's that vulnerability that turns a memoir into a bestseller. So as you move forward with Gloria let try to find a revelation She already been pretty forthcoming I think if there was something there to tell she would have She doesn't seem like the type who hides anything. Louisa, trust me, we're all hiding something. Sometimes we don't even realize it. Ain't that the truth. Look, just keep doing what you're doing. You've already done the hardest part. You've earned her trust. And because of that, she talks. So keep on listening, especially to what she's not saying. Hey, sweetheart. I, uh, I'm calling. You know why I'm calling. Dear, I hope you know that I... Listen, we love you so much, so, so much, and I... I hope you know that. Please, call us back. Oh, hello there. I'm just walking around Munich, and I ended up strolling past this garment shop. and they had some lederhosen in there. So I did try on a pair and you were right. I have legs for lederhosen and I'm going to send you the proof soon. Anyway, I miss you a lot. I'd love to FaceTime or talk whenever. I know the time difference. We can figure out a time. I hope you're taking care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up. Writing comes when it comes. I want to be the sweet thought that crosses your mind and remains there. But I am not wanted. I want to be a bird in formation with a soaring echelon. but I am not wanted I want to set fire to this mediocre world just to see what awaits me in the next one but I am not wanted I am not wanted I am not wanted yep that'll do funny enough my baby girl suddenly made me feel like I was sane she's sensing it too Along the trail, we saw this beautiful lizard of some sort. Kill those fucking shitheads. I have a chance. I don't know. I guess I'm surprised or proud of myself, I guess, that I didn't allow myself to slip down the rabbit hole. I think a lot of you guys know how easily I can get caught up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, y'all know me. I just, I don't know. In that moment, I became conscious of my heart, like my actual heart. It was pounding out of control. And it's as if I could hear Terrence's voice in my head. And Terrence used to say, Andy, you've got one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. He always tried to set me straight, but I couldn't hear about it. I don't believe in an afterlife. life. I like the idea of it, but if I'm being honest, I don't believe we go anywhere after this, but I hope I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong, not just because I want to see him again, but because I would like him to see the progress that I've made, especially on days like yesterday where I could have let my anger overtake me. I hope he knows that I'm listening now. Thanks, everybody. Thank you for sharing, Andy. Hi, I'm Louisa. You can call me Lou. People call me Lou. This is my first time coming to one of these. my therapist recommended this group um i'm here because my mother took her life when i was very young and my family was super secretive and ashamed about it so i grew up not really knowing much about her but um a few months ago i was given these tapes these audio journal tapes that my mom recorded, which was the most incredible gift I could have ever received. Hearing her voice for the first time, hearing her laugh, hearing her hum. The woman loved to hum. Anyway, it's been amazing. But it's also been hard. Really hard. So much so that I took all the tapes and dropped them off at my best friend's house a few days ago. Because I need a break from them. And I don't trust myself to do that. probably because I've never processed my mom's death or learned how to and god I have no excuse just googling this group alone brought up so many resources resources that I wish my mom could have had so yeah I'd like to learn how to deal with all of this even if it's just to hear her voice again. Babaloo was created, written, and produced by me, Kimberly Trung. Directed by Catherine Chen Lerner. Sound design, editing, and mixing by Charles Moody. With performances by Christine Liao, Kathleen Gray, Lee Chen, Eileen Shi, Adam Bozarth, Matthew Kimbrough, Chriselle Almeida, Serkis Zaleski, Greg Smith, Dennis Pearson, Vee Kumari, and Kimberly Tron. Theme music by Edith Mudge. Additional music by Manish Ayetchet. Studio recording by Parker Silzer and David Stern. Artwork by Gabby Hawkins. Logo by Alex Bruno A very special thank you to Liesl Lafferty and the Firecracker Department Mari Meyer Peter Burns Victoria LaVilla Brandon Beardsley Hillary and the Boys Katie McEwen and our incredible Kickstarter backers Babalu is a production of Uneasy Tiger For more info or to support this series follow at Uneasy Tiger on Instagram or TikTok or visit uneasytiger.com. If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please dial 988 or visit 988lifeline.org for resources and support.
