David's Drunk Texts + Escort Demand Skyrockets!

people on earth will be REALLY skinny and unemployed so I'll just beat people up I'll beat people up I'll beat people up I'll beat people up I survived for nobody man. I'm out of here. I took a jacuzzi, sue me. Duke, the world's going to hell in a handbasket. Well, take her easy, Pappy. The world's always got troubles. We'll be coming back. But Duke, I'm scared. I don't want to hear it, Pappy. Don't make me do what I did last time. Well, okay, Duke, I'll try to be brave. And here you are, ladies and gentlemen, welcoming David Spade on Flying to Wall. First YouTube comment, who are these people? Well, that's what makes me laugh. It's funny. Why not? Those are old-timey movie stars, believe it or not. Walter Brennan and John Wayne from Real Bravo and other movies. John Wayne, an old-school movie star. The biggest star in the world for 30 years straight. He was the number one star in movies. Yeah, monster. I saw the Cowboys at a drive-in when I was a kid. Also, let's discuss, before we get to your hair, which people rag us about this, but this one we can't ignore. No, it took a lot of effort. I have a little pneumatic pump in the back, and it's really flat. Well, you do the sound effect. That's how it gets higher. It's too high. Now, I've had this forehead since I was a little kid. Normally, I have some hair falling down, but it is like a... I look like Egghead on the old Batman show. That's a big skull, all right? Brainiac. But yeah, I just was lifted, and I did it for the fans. I did it for them. We watched our podcast, and I knew it would make them smile. Okay, now, my problem is, forget my hair. My eyebrows look like they're connected to my hat or something. Should I change my hat? This is insane. So the hat is a shadow. Your eyebrows are here, and you've got the hat shadow coming in here. What is that shadow doing? Well, it's in the front angle. It's extenuating... Pay attention to everybody. It's extenuating your eyebrows so you look like a Vulcan from the Star Trek show. Or a Klingon. You look like a Klingon. Very interesting, Captain. I can't believe you look like a Klingon. Bill Shatner. We were just doing some simple dry humping. Patrick Stewart. Mr. LaForge! Alright, I'm going to switch hats. I'm going to go to White Hat. Ready? Okay, Magic, Abercadabra. This might be better. Yeah. It pops out a little more because it's so black, maybe. Okay. Okay, David just came off the 18th hole, and he is here. Oh, I do look like I just finished. This pullover is pretty cool because I like a good Elvis collar. That is cool. That's cool. It's light blue, folks, for those who aren't colorblind. I am colorblind. It could be green. Okay, quickly, speaking of golf, quickly, I play with Lovitz. I love it. Lovitz had a funny joke. Okay. You know how Lovitz always sleeps in? He's always late, right? And he knows it. Yeah, he knows it. You just go to the restaurant and you see if he shows up. And the place is an hour away. So I go, well, I just hope he's going to be there. A little late. Don't even be on time. Just be a little late because he gets crazy with the lateness. Yeah. So he calls me. He's a caller. He calls a lot. We'll call. I'm sorry. Old school. So I answer, hello. And he goes, David, I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want? I go bad. He goes, I just woke up. And I go, oh my God. I go, what's the good news? He goes, I'm on the freeway. He just woke up on the freeway. Yeah. He's nodding on. That was the joke. On the freeway. Dana, I had a spoon feed you that one. My God. It's funny. Oh, well, it is funny. That was good. I was just thinking of John, which I said this to him, you know, he does the old timey actor voice. Come on, boys. What do you hear? That guy. Yeah. He's from the West. What do you got? You know, so. Come on up and see me sometime. Right. That one. Yeah. He does. When he misses a shot, he goes, Balderdash. He's got the good opera-y voice to get these certain words out. Tasman acting. Yeah. Tales of Rebonery. Yes. He has one of the loudest. He can just say, well, I had a, there was construction. I had something that, that measured the sound at our house and I got up close to John and he was louder than a 747. Deceval meter. Yeah. It was like 125 world record. Okay. I have a good story for you. All right. Here's the story. Cuddle up. No, I don't cuddle, but relax. So here I am. Dave Spade. I go out this weekend. Yeah. Bop, bop, bop, boop, boop, go to dinner. My nights, I would say it's uneventful, but I don't have to say that. They're all uneventful. So I come home. I think I went to tower bar for a drink. Right. So I come home. Good. So there's a slight amount of activity. Yeah. In my night. It's not much. Hmm. 12 midnight, roughly. I get a voice text from a young lady, maybe young, maybe not. I don't know. It goes as follows. Hey, a little drunk. Hey, are you Dave? I found your ID on sunset and we're leaving this bar, but I have it. I don't know what to do with it. If you want it, you might not. So I go, well, let me see. Well, first I text back in the morning when I get that. I go, Hey, I don't want to leave my voice, but I go, Hey, was it an ID or was it a credit card? And they go, I can't tell. And I go, you can't tell. None of G. So I say, well, let me see. And then I go and I go downstairs, my wallet and I do have my ID, but I was out and I was like, and I was on sunset. So I go, Oh, can you send a picture? They said, okay. Did you get it? And I go, no, now I think it's a scam. I didn't get the picture. So I said, well, I don't know if this is a scam. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. So I said, well, I don't know if this is a scam or what. And then I walk over and I don't have my am X and I'm like, Oh, maybe it's my am I actually shock you. Don't have one. I only have two credit cards. So I says, I says, I says to my, I says, I have a question, but you can, I know though. I know your question. Then I finally have the question. Everyone's thinking, wait, how do you have my number? Exactly. And so she writes back. Oh, she didn't say anything. So I go scam. I drive off. Anyway, photo comes through finally twice. So she did send it. Here's the photo. Go. It's a Miley Cyrus Miley world official fan club ID. It's not even my picture. It's Miley, but my name's on it. It expires in 2008. So I write back. They found this. Yeah. Texted you. So I don't know if you can tell it's not, you don't know if it's a credit card for my, you don't know. So I say, you know what? I could probably live the big emergency isn't, will I be able to get into Miley world this weekend? The bigger one is how do you have my number? Cause she didn't answer it. Okay. So she says, she says, this guy, Mark Hayes was following us around and bugging us. And I know a Mark Hayes, a comedian. So I go, Oh, is he comedians? He goes, I don't know. He's not funny. So I go, well, big night in your house at midnight. I go, so he gave you, I was thinking he should have just taken the card and called me, you know, like, cause I don't know him that well, but it seems like a good guy. So, yes, he gives my number to me. I'm like, but by the way, so I listened to the message again and she's like, Oh, it's late. I'm fine. And we were so kind of blocked anyway, kind of hungover, but is this yours? I'm like, you're hungover, but it's midnight. You're not, haven't woken up yet. You should be drinking. So you'll be hungover later if that's the goal. And I'm fucking up to smart. I'm too smart. People say that I'm too smart. You can't pull the wool of my eyes for more than an hour 10, which was about an hour 10. And so Mark Hayes, this work, it's tricky. Mark sends a picture. I have it. I didn't send it, but sends a picture of the exact same Miley ID with his name on it. He goes, I just got this from somebody. It's a scam. So it's a scam, but I think it's the lesson here, Dana, because you're kind of a rub. I'm writing it down. Yeah. The lesson is, if this is the new AI of when people text you and go, are we still playing peck-a-ball tomorrow? And you go, no, I don't even play peck-a-ball. And they go, thank you for your info. Thank you for letting me know it's a real phone. And we'll be draining your account. I'm going to give you a hack. You may not know this, but you go to sleep at night. David Spade is going to sleep. Yes. Can he be disconnected from the world for eight hours? I don't know. That's a personal choice, but you may not know on your phone right here, you put it to silent. I do. And then when you go to sleep, you don't hear anything and you sleep. I do that. I do that. Well, how'd you get the ping? I got it in the morning. Oh, this was already slept all night? This wasn't. Yeah. Yeah. I missed the whole thing. That's why when I looked at this voice, who calls you anyway? And calling it midnight, and then it said, when she listened back, play back. And then she's like, and I'm kind of hungover. I'm like, hungover murder. She wrote doesn't add up. Well, then it's all because it was at midnight. Yeah. So I actually think the AI, I think the girl was AI. I think the voice is AI. I think everything was AI. And Heather did chat GPT. And they said that. And they said, yeah, a scam is like the first thing that it's worth something is if I answer. If I answer and write back, now they know I'm a real person and they will sell that. Yes. The next thing she was going to do is say, is there any address your house I can send it to? Yep. Then they'll have your address. And then they say, can you in chat GPT go, fuck yourself? So they say, then they want just maybe some money for FedEx to send it. I get little bylines like, you know, you get a text message. I don't really recognize phone number. Should I call you now or? Right. And so you're in town tomorrow. Tomorrow and will you be working or not? And you go, who is this? That's all you have to say is who is this? Yeah. So then I clicked on it, reported spam. Yeah. Goodbye. I teach them a lesson. I go, take that. I reported spam. Yeah. I did that. Take that motherfucker and don't even contact me again. Then I realized it was you texting me. Yeah. But I apologize. I remember when I got one and said, Hey, did I give you accidentally give you scabies yesterday? And I'm like, I think so. And they were like, this is a fucking AI dude. You know, I'm supposed to say yes and have them. Monday.com AI agents took over my work and I absolutely love it. Chasing deadlines, writing status reports, updating stakeholders, agents handle the daily grind now. I stay in the loop only when it matters. Create your own AI agent in minutes on Monday.com. Speaking of AI, this is what I put together. This is a little alert, maybe a future world. Yeah, please. GLPs, Ozympic GLPs. Yes. They're exploding micro dose, this dose, get a dose, have a dose. Everyone's losing, losing weight. They get Ozympic face. AI today, 16,000 laid off from some other big company, 20,000 here, 40,000 in the near future. People on earth will be really skinny and unemployed. So just be people. No job, but look great. We're going back to the dinosaurs. I guess they can talk. Yeah, they can still talk. I like this extreme situation. You want to go look for a job? No, I don't. Just eating off a hummingbird, Peter. That's my dinner. I like to say they're not one person told me a famous person who's skinny and looks great. I'm not doing Ozympic anymore, but I'm micro dosing it. Well, right. I think you're still doing it. Micro dose sounds like nothing like no, that's just no. It might be good if it keeps the weight up, but you don't have a side effects dosage matters. In the old days, they would swallow cotton balls, like little caplets like for vitamins filled with cotton and it would make your stomach full. Well we've had two revolutions. One is the fast food revolutions Kellogg Corn Flakes in the 50s. If you look at the movies in the 20s, 30s and 40s, there's a couple of fat people. Humphrey Bogart was 132 pounds. Spencer Tracy, 148. He was the fat guy. This revolution came in the obesity epidemic. Now we have the GOPs, but we also have AI. We won't be able to work and we'll be skinny. There was a page in the Guinness Book of World Records when I was probably 15. I love that. The fattest guy in the world was about 500 pounds. I'm like, that's three people on my street. That's two thirds of the grove when I go shopping. I don't think you'd get in the world record anymore for 500 pounds. I think Seinfeld, I don't think we could do this now, but it's something about a thousand pound man. What if he lost 100 pounds? What do you say to him? Bob, you look great. You're a real. You're a real. I remember that one. Yeah, I think it was the two guys on motorcycles and they had like mini bikes and they showed them driving from the back and they both weighed 500 pounds. These twins and they might have been in the Guinness Book and they were like the two Fatso brothers and then, yeah, what if he loses 100? You're a real. He's losing so much weight. What are the big stories you got? Stories or observations. Here's an observation. All these data processing centers, Bill, we need so much energy to power these generative intelligent AIs. Bill, they have 100 atomic bomb energy for an AI. For one AI. For one AI. One human being that's fairly smart just needs a snicker bar and they are rocking. Just an observation. Yeah. AI, just to write, hey, are you playing pickleball this weekend? Right. On a spam is 100 kilotons of energy. We're wasting energy. Our brains are pretty good. That's all I'm saying. Do you see the guy climbing them this thing? Alex Honnold for mid mid. Honnold Schwarzenegger? Honnold Alex Honnold, the human AI. Yeah. He said his paycheck was embarrassing. Mid six figures like maybe a half million to climb a skyscraper in Singapore. That cat made more for that commercial on the right. I'll just say this. I'll put it out publicly. I would have taken the elevator. Did 20 minutes of stand up up top for 250? I would have done elevator no stand up 190. I would have put you in an elevator and then held the rope. Why I repelled you down the building. 10,000 for you. I would have a selfie toward the top, but on the elevator for 87.5. I would have made a realistic looking dummy that looks like you and hoisted it up from the other side of the building and then we split 20 grand. Okay. I would have hung off the first rung of the first building of the first floor and said Eek a mouse and then let them take an embarrassing paparazzi picture for 15.5. I would have got to the first place that you climbed to and just started crying. I would have started climbing and gone, oh shit wrong shoes. Let's do this tomorrow and then walked away. You know, it was hot with high winds and it took him four hours. He thought it would take two. So he said it made it interesting. Dude, he should have gotten at least an M. Give him one million for that. Two, four hours of grunting and groaning and using your lats and your back. Meanwhile, Jake Paul got 50 million. It's everyone says a different number, but between 20 and 100 million to go run away from that guy. Get his job broke. I mean, which one's more scary? I actually went out to Singapore and when he came down, he's coming out the building and everyone's like, like that. And I said, I like pretty good man, but ain't no El Capitan. No. And then his face just dropped like it's embarrassing. It's getting on him, you know. The worst is like it's live and your kids watching going, what happens if he plummets? I know because he's not Superman. He can do one of these. Oh, you know, and so it is kind of nerve wracking to watch, even though he's just hanging on and I go, there's nothing tying him to the building. What the fuck? And not to be morbid, but literally every single person wants him to fall. I mean, everybody's like, what if he falls? I mean, I mean, people are like, why is it live? Because he could fall. Well, that's why in the, in old timey days, the lion tamer, you know, you kind of want the lion to swallow it. So because he's in there, he's got a square, you know, remember on Ed Sullivan, amazing crystal bongo is going to go in and try to tame a lot. That's pretty good. Right here in our shade, here he is, the magnificent Kristen bongo lion tamer. Well, anyone could do Ed Sullivan. He's got a whip and he's got like a folding chair and he's like, dude, why is he doing all these old impressions? There's no way they're going to get ratings. The first hundred comments are, what's going on? What are these people? All right, we've, we've reached peak shriek. I call it peak shriek where everyone's in a state of hysteria. And I saw a guy, the T-shirt, peak shriek. I don't look at looking at cantaloupes. Do you guys got any good cantaloupes here? Not a joke. Just chilling. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I thought he was talking to Sydney Sweeney on the Hollywood. And her new lingerie line, which made its way to my purview. What's your purview mean? It made it to you, Heather. I mean, Heather, it makes sense. I just admire the young pretty girl. It's, it's a story about a young pretty girl. But go ahead. What's your big hot take on Sydney Sweeney? Well, in the old timey days, there was sadness. It was at Marilyn Road, James Mansfield, and these, this type of woman in the movies are in show business and they didn't have control. The men control them and they ended up really not that rich. Now you got Sydney Sweeney out of my way. Boy, she's doing gene commerce. She's starting a huge global business while she's in her 20s. She's taking back all the power from other sort of whatever you would call them. What do we call our starlets, you know, our movie star women, Heather. Starlets. Starlets or stars. Sex symbols, basically. Actors, stars, sex. Actors, sex symbols. So anyway, Sydney Sweeney is taking the power back and I like that. I like that. Now, do you think in a movie and in negotiations, yes, more money to show boobs because I sound crazy, but that was a story on Halle Berry and Swordfish. Did you hear that? She'd get five hundred grand. All where it was, it was in the contract, not sort of encouraged. Hmm. I mean, it would make sense. I don't think Sydney Sweeney cares either way because she's done before in all these movies, but maybe it's getting to that point where she can say, I don't want to give me a bump. Well, she's kind of she feels like she's in control. So she wants to go, here's my boobs. It's like it's not like she's under duress, but with men, you know, they'd want them after Arnold came out and ruined it for skinny men, skinny movie actors, you know, you got to take your shirt off. So a lot of men, they'd be like, we want you to put on 30 pounds of muscle and we want you to take your shirt off in the movie. They did it to Henry Winkler. And he goes, nah, I don't, I don't think so. He goes, hey, you know, I will tell you, I was flipping channels last night and I went to HBO before I knew the name. I shouldn't even tell you this because I'm going to fall right in your trap. I'm ready. I'm going to say a word that I've said before. And I'm going to do the voice. He walks out of like a hut. It's obviously the 1600s. He just hooked up with someone he's older. He walks out, but he's naked and then he pan down. And he's got maybe a one foot long wiener. It's so. What is what movie is this? Infuriating. It's a it's something on HBO. I think it's hardcore porn, isn't it? No, it's like the magic of Merlin. One of these weird shows. Oh, anyway, it comes out of the seven kingdoms were being told. Yes. Oh, oh, I'm sorry that Greg knows this because it's a screensaver. Anyway, that's the only thing I saw in the whole movie. And I go, this is trash. I was so angry. I rarely write HBO. I said, this is insane. This is impossible. No one is big of a wiener. I'm not I'm not like you. Like if I don't really want to see a dick when I'm not warned that it's coming on stop watching or a TV show, it's like I'm never excited. Like you were like, hey, cool, a wiener. You know, I'm like, right. Don't just let's I mean jumped on my heated rivalry group chat. Yeah, I know that is the hockey show. Oh, oh, it's about two hockey players that are that are also naked. Having a dalliance. Yeah. I'm old fashioned. I like that. Anyway, so that was it, wiener. Oh, yeah, we can't pull it up because it's a it's a work computer. But let me tell you something. Monstrous. And I said, oh, is this a dragon from the other movie? Is this game of thrones? But the worst part was he came out to pee, but he has to grab it like a baseball, but I go, that's enough. And then I watch 20 more minutes. All right, so there's that. By the way, no, I'm like mad about. So also someone said in the comments. Our fans. Great. Should be called. Frequent flyers. That's not a bad name. That's not a bad joke. I can't believe love. It's would put that in the comments. Heather, do you like it or not like it? It's cute. It's cute. I mean, it's too hard to say flies. Fruit flies. Flyers. No, I think it's a nice little pun. Something nice. I like it. Yeah, it's kind of out of the blue. I wouldn't really predict that one. I don't judge people. I mean, I've realized recently how what what a blood sport it is to judge other people about their lives when you don't know anything. Yeah. Why is David Spade wearing that white hat? Well, what the hell does he think he's doing? If I had his money, I'd have a blue hat. Yeah, that's true. I have a blue shirt. You know, I get worked up every day so much to just cement truck blocking my street. The other day I'm and he just stands there and I go like this. First, I wait. I wait. I've saw it two minutes. Don't say a word. Great guy. And I'm on a hill killing my neck and I'm waiting. It's my street. He's crooked, so you can't get around. He's not doing jack shit. Then I wait. Then a guy and then I go, I mean, I wish there's a beep under a beep, just like a little, you know, like. Like, hey, somebody's here. We got to get by. No one's anything. Then a dude walks out and he goes like this. Back it out to sunset. Back it out into sunset. Get. I stop before I take take the road. Scream fire to your house and I stop. I pull over and say a little prayer and then I go up to your street. Because it's like ways and trucks and bam bam bam gun shots smoke, fireworks. The apocalypse now and then your gate opens. And you see where Theo and San is scratch their doors to open like a tuna can. That was when I first moved in and then I widened it because I was like, oh my God. I know, you really widened it. Well, I did, but no one's paying attention. They just pull in and they go, oh. Well, I don't back down it. I don't play that game. I don't, you know, I'm just, I'm gonna turn and turn and turn and then I go down. Dana's like this, I'm a safe driver. You know, when George Siegel, I said, went on, just shoot me. I said, George, I saw you. I pulled up next to you on Halloween last night and he goes, oh no, was I like this? And he leaned over, like bent over on the steering wheel. He goes, did I look like an old man like this? I go, no, you sit up straight and he goes, oh good, but he was like that. Yeah, he was bent over. And so was I. Hey. All right, should we start anything or do you want to say some words? My stocks are holding up today. And I realized the market, the stock market's not reacting as much like we talked about Trump, because he came out earlier and he said, we're gonna, we're gonna take out the moon. We're gonna bomb the moon. We're taking out the moon. I never liked the moon. We're gonna take it out. We're gonna nuke the moon. That's what we're gonna do because we know how to nuke it. And quite frankly, if you look at it, if you look at it and you think about it, we don't need the moon. You know, the market's like going up. They like the idea of it. And earlier today, Biden came out. Why is he, what's his beef with the moon? What's his beef? Let's get real. The fact of the matter is the moon never hurt him. I liked the moon. And the people said, what is the moon just said? Thank you. Thank you, Mr. President. I agree with him on that. Do people hate the puppets? No. I don't read the comments. That's pretty much what I got. All right, let's get to that. I could do more, but let's get to this hot takes. What is this, hold on, before we do it? Okay. Oh, you remember Davos? Of course. Who goes to Davos? Oh boy. World leaders? A lot of big world leaders, giant billionaires, businesses. It's a big old thing. I just played like the first 10 seconds of this. Yeah. Paid adult companionship in a little town called Davos, Switzerland, has shot up by 4,000% in the last few weeks. I wonder why. Every year, the world economics. Yes. Everyone needs a little fun time. Shark going over the water, can't go to the water, farewell in a dune, my wee Spanish lady. Men with money, escorts come in and want the money. Is it legal or how can you be that shady? It's probably hard to, you're in a hotel with all the other world leaders. You're like, hey, introduce us to your daughter. I don't think it's ever, my impression is it's never written down or really even spoke about. Hey, would you like to have dinner? Okay. I don't think it's, they don't have pimps anymore, do they? It's all through. I don't think Huggie Bear's walking around the wall. I don't think so. I don't think some guys on the streets at Davos. Man, you wanna get a date? So. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Beating up some girl in the lobby. Shark go in the water. Oh yeah. Farewell in a dune. Shark go to Davos. Businessmen in Davos, billion men got the money for $10,000. You get the head, the tail. 15,000 men went in, 2,000 came out. For 2,500 you get the lower body. For 3,000 you get the upper body. For the whole damn thing it's 25,000. Dirty. Why are we talking about this guy? I don't know. We'll go to the next story. All right, let me just take a quick selfie of you for my Instagram. Oh, this story, this guy got busted because reportedly selling his car on Facebook Marketplace then stealing his car back six times. Okay. No, selling. The story is funny because it's not funny, but when I first moved to LA, I said I could buy a Camaro. I did a movie and I go, oh my God, this is the first time I have any money. I have $6,000 so I could buy a Silica, a Camaro and try to be a pimp but I said nope, I'm gonna get a cord. I just want something that starts every day. On the cord, the basic. Can't go wrong. Can't go wrong. Maybe I'll splurge for a sunroof. I found it was exactly $6,000. Perfect. Good shape. Good tires. So I thought that's all I need. Just get me from A to B just so I can get my life straight. So I do a movie for 10 weeks. I clear $6,000. I go to this deli, I meet this woman. Here's your money, here's the keys. I drive to the improv. I go to show Tim Rose, we walk out. Was it this street or was it this street? No, I think it was on La Jolla. No, it was on Kilkeya. Stolen. Stolen within an hour. And I had no insurance so it was just back to zero. I had nothing. And when the cops finally talked to me they said, I said, you know what? It feels like the guy followed me and stole it back. He goes, probably. I go, oh, let's go. Everyone on deck. It's the Miami mall again. We need 100 cops. And they're like, yeah, what are we gonna do? I'm like, I don't know. You kind of know what happened. He's like, yeah. What we're gonna do, you and I, is pitch this to Hulu and a brand new selling steel. He sells a car and then steals a back starring your host, David Spade. Oh, it's a comedy? I don't know if it's comedy, but I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to get into the live streaming world. David Spade and Emilio Estevez. With Caratoc. I like Emilio. I think Emilio's coming on. I love Emilio. I talked to him about coming on because when Charlie Sheen was on, I wouldn't love that Emilio. Oh, they love the brother thing. They love Emilio. I think it's great. It's really a sweet moment. Like when I see you and people think it's a sweet moment. I had a Volkswagen Bug 67 that I was driving to LA. I was driving back and forth San Francisco, LA. I dropped LA, I was a block from my house and I look in the rear view mirror and the engine's on fire. So I pulled over and I walked away. Then I called people and said, you want a car you can have it. It's, it's, it's, it's burning right now. Would you call Mark Pitter or Kevin Pollock? I called both of them, but Slayton came in. Bobby Slayton came in and got it. Hey, hey, give me the car. Give me the car. Give me the keys. Where's keys? I look in the front row, I see four angry lesbians like there's any other kind. That's his act. Not my act. His words. Did you have this, this kind of window in the back? Yeah. And it was, you could work on those cars. They got a lot of mileage. They, you know, they were so light, two strong men could just lift them up, you know. My buddy Jody had one and it was like a 69 or 70 and he had the back lifted a little bit. Yeah. The heating system was just, they would let air in and it would go over the engine and come in. So it kind of was a little bit of an oily smell, you know. It was a forced speed. It was such a toy. I mean, you know, death trap. And so you just left it and said, I'll just start over. Yeah. And then I got on one of the boys with Mickey Rennie and Scatman Corothers and I made some money and I think I did buy a Honda Accord. See, you gotta do Civic Accord is just a way to go. It's just easy. They start, I just sold a truck at that Barrett Jackson auction and it was kind of funny. It was too big for me. All right, let's go to the next story. All right, let's see what it is. Oh yeah. This is artwork Dana. Now, if you were any sort of artist, which no offense, you're not. If you had any creative bone in your body, you would try this. Right. Okay, let's see it. He's imitating things in nature. It's pretty clever. It is clever. I don't know. Is it just, okay. I like the noise. And then how do you see it? You just film and then you gotta dress like it. And then is it in your museum or anything? No, it's just on some guy's fucking IG. Oh, okay. I think it's pretty clever. Right, what are you doing all day? You could be doing this. This is what I would do maybe during COVID, but if I had literally anything else to do, I don't think I would do it. Okay, that's enough. Yeah. You got it. Everyone's got something. You know, I mean, this is cool. I don't mind. That's more performance art, I feel. I think it's more performance. But I like it. I think it's a little off the beaten path of what you see on TikTok. There are no rules in the art world in the last 25 years. It could be anything. I mean, it could be a red dot on a canvas. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Do you think it's money laundering or no? What is that story? Yeah, I think a part of it could be. But I also think it's a member, Dennis Miller, going at the end of the day, carving it all down to paintings and planes. I mean, you can get a mansion, you get wealth, you get a fleet of cars, but if you can get a plane, a golf stream that's yours, and original art, like a basquiat and whatever, that's the final, so I think the scarcity of certain artists, it's just the exponentially going up. They're like one, the more rare. I've got a Jack Pollock. You have a Jackson Pollock? Jesus Christ. Jack Pollock. Jack Pollock, okay. We decided to put down the brush and just kind of pour it on the canvas. Just sneeze on the canvas. No, I don't know. I have a Peter Beard. I didn't remember, I couldn't get into that art. My brother, Andy, is really into it, and he's got the coolest shit. But I never, in airplanes, I would love, you know, not quite there yet. Not in there. While I play rib ticklers in Tulsa. That was a real comedy club in Minneapolis. Yeah. There was Jokers in Tulsa I played, and I'm doing theaters now, thank God, but oh, where am I going? That's a good question. Yeah, where are you? Are you going? Are you touring? I mean, the people want to know. Well, I just got back in quotes from. I just got back. Wisconsin, Chicago, and it was, last I checked, it was minus 11 in apples. So I'll see what that's like, bringing along sleep t-shirts, and this next one is Oklahoma. We're just talking about. As Heather put it on my site, Oklahoma, Oklahoma. That's where I'm going. Oklahoma, okay. Because it's Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Right, you just said. It's so. So she put Oklahoma, Oklahoma. Funny, got a lot of chatter, which is good. You could drop in on my Oklahoma thunder. It generates that I don't. Oklahoma, and then I'm playing Dallas, Dallas, and then I'm playing San Antonio San Antonio. No, it doesn't say that, but that's where I'm playing. That's the next one. So then I got Pittsburgh, I haven't been to Pittsburgh. I don't think I've ever done a full theater show in Pittsburgh. I don't think I've either, but I've been to Pittsburgh. I don't know why. It's usually Philly, I guess. Or it's in the East. What are those towns? Eastern Pennsylvania. Hazelton? No, not gonna remember. Hershey? I've done casinos. We've all done casinos, and those are in the middle of, no way. I love casinos in the middle of nowhere, man. And then it's like a nice casino, and you're like, how is this happening? Just all the money, yeah. It's usually shiny and bright. Just gotta do it. The middle of a tough town that's been, through like, I did one near in Ohio, one near in Detroit, where some town was just hit with like, everyone in the town got hit by like the car plant shut down, or the coal mine. And then here's some beautiful casino with some joker like me showing up. Yeah. So crazy. I know. But I do a good job. Yadda, da, da, da, da. Everyone's talking about it. One of the greats, David Spade. You should go see the show. One of the greats on the Mount Rushmore of standup comedians. Yeah. He brings it. Let's put it this way. David Spade brings it. That's what I... That's what a lot of the reviews are. Yeah, he brings it. They don't say what he brings, but he brings it. One guy, I said, he commented that I wouldn't see this show again. It looked like he was making it all up. Like that's the whole point. That took so long. He refused to read his jokes off a piece of paper and looked like he was spontaneously just remembering these funnities. Fucking mad. Okay, next one. Let's see. We got any more? Are we done? Let's see. I don't know what this is. I don't know. You have to do a selection of color on an app. Oh, we'll see if Heather thinks this is a good idea. So all the girls get their nails done. They spend so much money. You can change the color of your nails. That fast? All day. Wait a minute. So it takes the old nail polish off and then puts it on. I don't know what it's doing. Heather? How is that? It's the top coat. I don't know if you have to be plugged into this thing. Or it's just showing you what it'll look like. I don't know. That ring also may have something to do with it. I think that's what it does. It needs to be a conduit or something to electronically do. I don't know. It can't just. It's a waste of brush nail polish and it gets metallic. So there are ways to do different finishes. Yeah, we're a little flummoxed by this one. But that's the future. Pop quiz for you and Heather and Greg. What is, from a nail point of view, what is considered the most attractive color of nail polish on toes? Toes. I'm going with sandals. Toes. Red? Ruby red? Red might be too easy. Two down the middle. Heather? Greg? I've never done red ever in my life. Heather's never done her toes red. It's very harsh. This is a big game changer. Any neutral Dana dummy. OK, all right. Pale nudes. Any further. Oh, Greg says nude color. What is Greg talking about? Nasty Greg. I'm nude color. Greg does his nails nude, guys. Like the guy on Night of the Seven Kingdoms. They just shot their ratings up. I think it's kind of cool to have some. Night of the hog weaners. That thing traumatized you. You haven't been the same since you saw that. I haven't been. That's what caused your eyebrows to go up like that. It was just the shot. It wasn't the hat. I can't really see me on this one, but I don't think my eyebrows are going crazy. I'm going to get my hair even taller next week. My goal is to get it to here. I'm going to give you my hair, guys. Name is Jimmy Neutron. You don't want to have. You don't want to be able to your lower face. You don't want to have your hair. It's so far back that you can fit your lower face up before the hair starts. It goes the dimensions of your waist to your nose should equal your nose to your hairline. What? That's forehead. Shhh. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. You got good hair. So this is the good one. Go ahead. Appertief. Appertief. I'm not going to testify for nobody, man. Hey, man, I'm out of here. Take a jacuzzi, sue me. And then here's W. Bush. Just the look on his face. I couldn't believe the press conference, all the stuff that's going on in the world. They said, what do you think of it? How did you make that one? That looks great. That looks like the Chick-fil-A girl in Rick Dogg. David Spade saw Wiener. What about that one video where he's golfing and he goes, my heart goes out to all the people in 9-11. You got that guy? All right, watch this drive. That's the drive to the press corps. I go, you shouldn't do that. You know, they're still filming, dude. He had kind of a, you know, a lovemer hate of a cheerful demeanor. He had that frat boy kind of, has a go on, you know? Did you do George Regular Bush or only the Herbert? No, I did. I did Bush senior, of course, did him on SNL, did it the best way. I knew how. And then with W, I just started doing them because, but Will Ferrell kind of, Will Ferrell was done. Were you leaving when that happened? Yeah, I was off the show, but I do, you know, I did a ball, I did a clean. You do them all, yeah. I did them all. I'm not saying they're any good, but I do them all. We got another gig coming up. We're going to do them all. I'll do Jimmy Carter, if you want. I go way back. All right, we'll do one more and then we'll wrap up. Let's wrap it up. Let's do one more. One more. This is called the banger. Okay. I don't know if it is. I don't know what it is yet. Oh, this is like CES. They show you how to do things, I think. What am I looking at? I thought they're measuring their foot for a shoe, but they're making a shoe. Oh, they're making it totally to fit your foot. See that? Is it only like, oh, so it's like a little rubber? It's only barefoot shoes. I see. Let's see one more. Would you do this? Well, I think it's kind of cool. I mean, I would need this. Here's the deal. Can I finish one time? Can I finish? Put on my podiatry hat. Yes. Potyatr's here. So feet generally, neutral if they go like this. If they supinate, they go out like this when you walk. If they pronate, they go in when you walk. Now, I have one foot that this foot goes in a little bit. Pronate. Pronate. This one supinates. And one of my feet is a half inch bigger than the other one. Jesus, what are they doing? So custom-made shoes. I think I'm sure Steph Curry, they get custom-made shoes for their feet. You go to a good feet store? I go to the Sears stores that are still open. And I get industrial shoes. Now, where would I go to get shoes? One of my pro-pronates means leasing. Pronates. And one does soup plantation. OK. That's funny. Well, my elbow, if I raise my hand, I can't go straight up. It's called vernacular perpendicular elbow constellation. So it goes like this. And then I go up. So in class, when I was a little kid, I'd raise my hand. I have Farley, one, where you go like this to raise your hand. And then you go. I'd bring it all down. He did a sketch for, it was Seinfeld as a teacher. And he goes, where did World War II start? And don't say Africa. And Farley goes, then he goes, whatever the wrong answer was, that was he was going to say. Well, it's just funny that it just goes out of style. Yeah, he goes slowly. Yeah, as opposed to, you know. Do you have frozen shoulder? You can tell us. No, I don't. That guy on that show has frozen wiener. God, what you should marry. I wanted to end on a real summary of the whole episode. Like, this guy's got a French loaf. French loaf we heard from. Let's get them on next week. We'll ask them all about it. I'm praying that it's some sort of thing they put on there. Yes. It could be a prosthesis. Yes. And how do you put that on in your trailer? How embarrassing. I mean, I don't want to get into the weeds with this. But in a bio-evolutionary way, when the swords were flying, those guys didn't last very long. That was their relaxed state. They showed the girl on the way back of the cave or whatever and she's like this. Do you remember the comedian John Fox, he had this opening line? Mm-hmm. He was so, I don't know, he goes, the guy was so hung, he was like the human tripod. It was like, khhhhh. applause, yeah. Yeah, in those days. He's the guy that went on Star Search and sang a Diet Pepsi song to the tune of, oh, he changed words again, because he's heavy. Mm-hmm. He goes, he goes, oh, God, candy section, he wasn't drinking Diet Pepsi and he did a song about it. They used to say, I'm drinking Pepsi and it shows. But he would say, I'm drinking, I'm not drinking Diet Pepsi and it shows, because he was so fat. I see. God, I can't think of the words. Next week, what a cliffhanger. I'll think of the other two sentences of that song. Next week, we will be back, blocked and loaded. If you have any requests for puppets, I'm thinking to the near future of bringing out a Pierce Morgan and maybe an AOC. I tried to, a Tucker Carlson. These are all in the hopper. So I'll do new people. Ilhan Omar. I should have been movie stars from the 1940s. Mix it up and I'll think of the end of that song. And we're excited. Dana's going to go shopping for those puppets. So get him before he hits the store. I have someone, Mark Hirshon, who makes them for me. I just got him a laser printer. He's very good at it because it has to be kind of a good size. And then these popsicle sticks fit in like that. And they're not as big as you think because you push them to the cameras. They can be not right because that's how you, here I'm just showing a photo and there I am automating. Well, David, I really enjoyed the show. I liked the guy with the wiener. I thought that was good. I don't know. It was all kind of entertaining. Hill and I enjoyed it. So if he gets mad, it's like, what the fuck are you talking about? It comes in. So it's just fun. Oh yeah. People thought we were funny on Bill Maher. I got a lot of comments about that. Really? We did his podcast. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah. OK. Have a nice time, Dana. And we will see you next time. We'll see you next time, everybody. Hey, guys, if you're loving this podcast, which you are, be sure to click follow on your favorite podcast app. Give us review, five star rating, and maybe you can share an episode that you've loved with a friend. If you're watching this episode on YouTube, please subscribe. We're on video now. FLY ON THE WALL is presented by Audisene, executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung-Kaiser, and Leah Reese-Dennis of Audisene. Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweetek. Booking by Cultivated Interest. Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Mora Curran, Melissa Wester, Hillary Shuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney, and Lauren Vieira. Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show. We can email us at flyonthewall at audisee.com. And that's a-u-d-a-c-y dot com.