It’s Not a Relapse

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Everywhere I looked, someone was like in their car vaping and I was like, oh my god, that looked so freaking good. After a meal, Eastern I was looking at each other and I'm like, what I would give, what I would fucking give to just smack the shit out of that. I'm weird. I like eating all stuff my face. Yeah. And I'll sit back, hit the vape, and I'll dive back into that meal, baby. Oh, yeah, dive straight back in. Yeah. And when I was missing that, I think it's nauseating. Cause you vape, I'm trying to, I'm like Chandler. Chandler being on friends when Rachel starts smoking. She's like, I actually feel like I could throw up and he's like, but you got to, you got to push past that. It's about to get so good. And then they're talking about how disgusting he is. He goes, yeah, it is the best. And I'm like, I relate. I relate. And guess what? I also relate because he went five years. I made it five days. Okay, so back to that. We reached, this is my reward. It has not gone well. Eastern, let's talk about your moment of caving. Back to the vape. How many, we went a week? We went a week. I went a little more than a week. And I'm proud of you for that. Oh my God, there's so many things just traveling back to this little mind of what is it? I don't even know. It's like I was, I was never content. And when everybody, this is the fucking thing I hear when people are like, it's hard. I know it's struggling, but you can get through it. As you're sipping your mocked, or your cocktail. Yeah, it's like, you fuck you. We have a friend who, by the way, calls us buzzed while he's smoking a cigarette, telling us that we can do it. We can give up the vape. I was like, if I could come through the phone and punch you in your throat. So you cannot speak anymore. I would punch you with two fists. He sends very new in his sobriety journey. And there was a moment where he was like, I'm tweaking out. I need some good. So he went and bought one. But the day that he bought it, he was like, really down. You remember mom and he had like called his sponsor and he talked to him. I was down for a good two days, three days. That was not what I would much rather have you smoking a vape than relax. For a first time, I just cannot deal. I cannot deal with a fifth relapse. No, six seven. But this is your journey and I'm here to support you through the thick and the thin. There it is. Here's what kept me from a relapse. But Eastern, he kept saying that like going out and buying the vape, he felt like he had relapsed. And I was on, I mean, I don't like sharing. I like was a speaker at a meeting in, you know, our program. Yeah. And I told a lot of people that like that I felt like I relapsed. And I can't tell you how many people were like I felt the exact same way. Really? Yeah, because you know, you're it's all in the same. You gave up drinking. You gave up smoking. You gave up whatever on another unhealthy addiction. You don't have a bite. Yeah, you don't have a bite. And now you give it up and like you feel like you're doing these things. And it's like, you know, you have pink cloud moments of like, okay, I gave up the vape now. I'm doing it. And then when you hit it, you're like everything that you just worked for feels like it went down the tube. And I can completely understand. I had to call multiple people. I had to call my sponsor and I was like, I feel like I relapsed. Everybody, the meeting is what made me feel good. They were like, no, this is, you know, this is what we're, this is what we're in here for. And we gave up the things that alter us. And this does not alter you. Now I was like, okay, that's not. Just made sure she's lungs. Okay, mom. And I, and by the way, come on, enjoy it. It makes me need to hit the vape. God, I know. And then she, I just, that's why I also feel bad. I just like, I'm like, it's either a cocktail or this vape. And then I hit it and Lisa's over there. And she's like, it's like, fuck, what do you live? I'm like, I can't condone it. I'm your mother. No, and I don't want you to, and by the way, you can don't this. No, no, no, no, no, no, I don't. I don't want you to condone it. I want you to point out all the horrific things. Because guess what, you guys, I am going to have to give it up. Like, I'm having surgery in a little over a month. Like, it has to be done. On top of, I know what it's doing to my body. I have two little girls that I need to be around for. That's important to me, okay? Hear me out. Because I know everyone's going to think I'm insane. I got sober. And it was pretty much, I woke up and said, I was not going to live this way anymore. And that is when the vaping started. I didn't go by one, but I was hitting other people's. And it was happening long enough to where I, in moments of stress, or I would need to go out and the people I was going out with weren't drinking. And I was very heavy in the entertainment. Like, now I'm more of a home body. Now it's a full-on addiction. But back then, it was like, we're going to can for a film festival or whatever it may be. And I'm like, that is triggering. People are drinking. Their social lubricant happening. I need something. Then I get pregnant because someone pointed this out in the comments section. You quit for nine months and then you breastfed. Yes, I did quit for nine months with Sosa. Well, before that, because I knew that I was having to prep my body for it, right? So I gave it up. There was something very big on the line that you, you can't be vaping for. And then breastfeeding. And why I then go back to doing it is because it's an addiction. And I said to someone in one of my meetings, I was like, I'm going to give it up because I can't. This was a very long time ago. If I quit drinking, I can quit vaping. And she goes, well, have you ever given up heroin? And I go, no. And she goes, that's, it's the equivalent. I was like, oh my God. So yes, I want to give it up. And I'm seven years into my sobriety. Eastern is relatively new. We're gonna have six months. We have to keep him where he is. For me, Eastern had a friend come over the other night, her name's Dina, little Dina shout out. Little Dina. And she brought me this little like anti vaping device, which I'm going to have to implement. I'm going to San Francisco this weekend. I don't think I can be without it. What the two are the vapes? Just letting you know, Mom, I can see her face shift, her energy is undeniable right now. It's suffocating. I worry about you guys. I worry about me too. I worry about me too. After that, I come home. Eastern, you got to hide that shit for me. And you can, if I say, let me have a schmacky schmack, which is what I do every morning. Let me have a schmacky schmack. You have to deny me of that. I will. And after this, because even when I got pregnant, you guys, I was like, oh, the moment I dropped this kid and I'm done with her on the beard, I'm fucking snagging the shit out of that stuff. Seriously, this round, I'm telling you what, it is going to be a, we are giving up the vape and there is no timeline happening where you get through recovery of the boobs and you get to it. No, it's gone. It's done. It has to be done. Well, if my dad, your grandfather, went for 50 some odd years and given up cold turkey with hard candies, I think anybody can. I finished a pound, a pound of popcorn flavored jelly bellies. In less than 36 hours, chewing it, the whole thing. It's just, we'll do what we have to do. I may gain a little weight, which is fine. I'm trying to get a fat ass. I'm gonna just hit this very, the fattest of asses. I'm gonna walk in here looking like a hardy bee. Apologies. Okay. Jesus, man. And I'm gonna have like 12 boyfriends. Moving on. People have asked me, how's the vape going? It's going great. You know what I say, Durinda Medley. Not well, bitch. It's going well. What are you thinking, Mom? I know. I feel like I'm just getting drunk from it. She's just judging. I'm not judging. I'm not judging at all. I'm 35 years old, you guys, and have to hide my vaping from my mother. We don't do a very good job. It's because I finally give up. I'm like, I can't. I'm tweaking. And she knows I'm going to Easton's back. I was way too much. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. Do we even tell that story when I found the vape in my bag and Mom walked into the room? No, but that's so funny. We had just given it up, and it was maybe day two or three. Impums, right? And the addicts. I was like, I'm just going to throw it away. I hit it the final time, and I thought, I'm going to put this in my duffel bag. Just in case. Just in case. Just in case. Someone's like vitamins. You don't know if you're going to get sick on vacation. But I don't know. You've got to throw the vitamins just in case you do. Like through to the duffel bag, I forgot about it. And then when I was in my room, I was like getting my clothes out, and I see this green thing at the bottom, and I thought, there's just no fucking way. And I grabbed it, and I'm not kidding you. I'm standing straight up. Was it a fresh year and old? It was pretty fresh. It was a fresh year. Oh, that's the worst. And I looked at it, and what went through my mind was, do I hit this and not tell anyone, or do I go find my friend? So we hit it together. Meaning me. Meaning my sister. I was like, why is she bringing me down with him? And right when I was thinking this, I'm looking at it, and mom walks in, and I was like, I found a vape. This is just, this is, I just ran it myself. I was like, I found a vape. I didn't know what to do. I didn't see that you had a vape, because I didn't have my glasses. No, she didn't even care, but I just looked at her. I was like, I'm going to be fine. So we so essentially, we went, like, guilty. I was like, I'm wet, though. I don't know. You look like a tear in the head like this all the time. Oh, I wanted to hit the vape, but knowing it wasn't right. But I thought, what are you doing? No, I wanted to hit it, but knowing it wasn't right. And so I was like, do I ask my friend to do it? You look like a kid with his hand in the cookie. Or do I, I was, I was like, oh, no. Well, and Lisa comes out and she says, he hit it. I know he hit the vape. I was like, he says he didn't, mom. No, he looked guilty. I'm like, that's just contemplating. And that's how I was. And I was like, yeah, the thoughts. Yeah, if you want to know what's so sad, you can't tell me what's going on. I was like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm cheering for that cheering for that cheering for that cheering for that cheering for that Like he says he did it, mom. No, he looked guilty. I'm like, that's just contemplating. I think that's what I was. Yeah, the thoughts. Yeah. If you want to know what's so sad, after that happened, we threw it in the trash. I know. And then that's when the real downhill spiral started. You guys, it was such a struggle to not hit it that I had to put Sosa's dirty diapers on top of it in the trash outside, the big daddy's like get emptied by a garbage truck just so I wouldn't hit it. And I thought I'd take it through that garbage. Just filled diapers. And even then I was like, a chloroquine. I still could if I, I can still reach it. Chlorox wipes and whatever comes with it comes with it. So instead of anybody riding in wanting to shame us, my mother does enough of that for all of you. So I'd prefer to hear about your guys' struggles so we can relate and work together on getting rid of it. No, yes, you can to people who are like, I'm trying, but a cocktail at night helps me. I'm like, yeah, I'm a, yeah, please, if you can drink, please don't. Yeah, please don't try man. If you can, then you just make me angry. Or smoke weed like, oh, you just need to smoke weed. But that zero alcohol, what was it? Oh, that's right. Oh, shot. We started taking shots of non-alcoholic beverages. Yeah, which by the way are 40 billion disgusting. It didn't look good. It wasn't good. It tasted the equivalent. It's crazy. It scratches the edge of just the, the hand motion. Sobriety, it's just its own different journey. So anybody who's like smoking the vape but can also like go and have a drink, it's just different. Like I can't even take nightquill without because it puts you into, you know? I mean, people like sip that shit on ice. Off that accent. There's nothing that I can really do if I'm having anxiety or I'm struggling with depression, going into a doctor and having them prescribe me something like slippery slope. So the vape is just what I turned to in a time where I was just trying to like not pick up a drink. And it was the worst move that I ever made, but then I think about the alternative which could possibly have been drinking again. So I'm not trying to justify smoking the vape. It's just trying to explain. I'm trying to justify my sobriety. Trying to explain. It's just trying to keep sober. The mind of yeah, like it was, I have only had this moment one time where I was in Puerto Rico and I was newly sober and I was really tweaking out on the mini bar. And I kept thinking no one would ever know. Like I could drink right now and no one would ever know. And it got to the point where like even after calling my sponsor, it didn't help and she said, you have to call room service right now and have them clean out that mini bar. And that's what I did because I was going to drink and I didn't have a vape on me. In fact, my ex is dad sent an entire box of vapes from Miami to Puerto Rico because I was tweaking out so badly. So cut to when I'm in Mexico with the girls, it wasn't that intense, but we were driving into Cabo like the town where you go and you can go to little bars and we were going on a boat. And the girls had started drinking and I was passing these like really fun Mexican restaurants and bars with these people. And I'm like, all they're like bar hopping and that looks like so much fun. And there was a moment that I was not thinking of picking up a drink but a thought process that I have not had. And by the time we were getting off the boat, I was like, well, I'm glad I don't drink. But that was scary for me because I haven't experienced that before. Well, those people, most of those people in those little bars know their limits. Exactly right. That's the difference. That is the difference, but that's the alcoholic mind of like, I've beat this. I can have one. And then I have to walk myself through my rock bottom moment of once you have one, you're going to love the feeling and you're going to continue. And tomorrow you're going to wake up and regret every second. And not only will you regret it, the shame is going to sink in and you've started at your 24 hour bitch again in the program. And that I just don't want to have one. I'm proud of both of you. So you know, I know you're vaping but I'm proud you don't pick up a drink. I will give up the vape mom for my for my children. And this is going to sound horrible. Unfortunately, that has been very hard even thinking like my kids need me. You know, and I should give it up for that. That hasn't worked. Me saying that it's it's for me. I have to do it for myself. And vanity is what I think is going to catapult me into having to give it up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You have a good reason to give it up. No one ever pick up the vape. If you have not picked it up, don't pick it up. It's awful. It's disgusting. And it's so good. You know, we were talking about investing the other day. Yep. Yeah. Sixth Amalama. Run. Iceboth. Matulati. For monotus. Check markets. Do I first buy assets? Browse finance forms. Qualify. Their experts make the most of my money so I can make the most of my time. And that's the real return on investment. For investing savings and pensions, the smart money's with Qualify. With investing, your capital is at risk. Qualify is authorized and regulated by the financial conduct authority. We interrupt your regular programming for a very special announcement. Saturday nights are made for Mayhem, with celebrities Sabotage. Watch me, Joe Donne. GK Barry. Me, Sam Thompson. And Judy Love. It's course and pay us. Do not move a muscle. This is no man. Find that commercial place. Watch out, this is a funny deck. Sell it for us. Celebrity Sabotage. Starts Saturday 21st of March on ITV1 and ITVX. As everyone knows, I've talked about this on Vanderpump. My ex and I don't co-parent. We parallel parent. What happens at his house? Is none of my business. What happens at my house? Is none of his business. But there was something that bothered me so much over the weekend. And this is where it's really hard when you can't have a co-parenting relationship. As you know, we communicate through the app still. There's like no calls, no conversation. Even though I did attempt to call this weekend. So it was a Friday and I'm getting all of these calls from moms at school and the school saying, Ocean has invited the entire or has invited a few friends to her birthday party that's happening on Saturday. And moms are expressing concern because it's like not even 24 hours before this party is happening. And I'm confused because I'm like, well, number one, I know that the school has a policy that if this is a birthday party or even a party in any capacity, you have to invite the entire class. You have to be inclusive. Either the entire. I love. I love it. I have no issue with that at all. So you can either invite the whole class or it can just be girls. But you can't invite one boy unless you want to invite the entire class. So my daughter's walking around talking about this. I get a call from one of my friends and she's like, I just feel really badly because she's inviting everybody. But as you know, I mean, in our in our group chat for the school, people are already setting out, save the dates for birthdays that are happening in March and April. So people are planning ahead. There's a lot of planning involved. So I'm blowing him up. I'm blowing the nanny up. I'm like, hey, this carnival sounds amazing. Just to let you know, I don't want you catching smoke from the school. You have to invite the entire class. Well, no one responds. I have multiple people saying that they can't go. And now I'm tapping into. I'm pissed off because while this is amazing, you have given people no time. And my daughter has walked into school talking about this inviting everybody. She's going to think tomorrow at her carnival. Which at this point in time she thinks is her birthday party. And no one shows up that this is a her thing. And not that her other parent just didn't send out the info in time. And I'm trying to convey this over and over again. And he's like, Izzy is adorable that she invited the whole class and her teachers. And in my head, I'm like, it's not adorable. It's adorable that she did that. They have no fucking details. All right. So I'm angry. Then I get a call from Amber that Riley has 103 fever and is suffering from the flu. And now I'm even more pissed because not only did you not send out invites, but you continue to have the party when my freaking child was exposed to her sister. She's now going to expose her friends who are now going to expose everyone else. And I'm like, you have to keep her at your house. My, you know, Sosa is 17 months old. She gets this. This is a really big fucking problem. So I just continue to try my best to keep everyone in the loop. It is so hard to co-parent. It is so hard to navigate just like your child's feelings. I'm on edge being like when she comes back to me, she's resilient as fuck. You know this mom. She's going to come back and she will have had the time of her life. She could have had one friend show up and all is good. But I just keep thinking like, thank God that Ocean is the product of the two of us because if Sosa were the product of the two of us, this would be really, really bad. Just knowing her personality. Sosa is a very delicate. Yes, this is delicate. You heard her feelings by telling her no or putting your finger on her. Or you look at her with. You look at her the wrong way. Or she would tell her no. She looks at you and goes, whatever. There's just something about her where she's like, she listens but you can't affect her. I think everyone has experienced a point in parenting where you explode and feel very badly about it. So I'm going to tell a story and I don't care if anyone judges me. It was not a proud moment. I cried and prayed for many days because I felt so terrible. But Ocean does not pick up. And this happened a really long time ago. Sealings are low. Are very low. All right. Ocean's playroom was a mess. And I'm trying to tell her you need to start picking up. So I pick up a toy and I stand up and turn and I just smack my head on the corner of the ceiling. And I'm like a little disoriented and now very pissed off. I yell at her. I yell at her. Clean up your playroom. In a very aggressive way. Okay. At the end of me saying this three times, my daughter puts up her two hands like this and goes, okay. Like she was so unfazed by me. No, Lauren went on a good 30 second round of, this is why I ask you to pick up after yourself. So there is an huge mess. I tell you and tell you very very. Your toys and Ocean sits there for five seconds and goes, okay. Like in other words, I calm the fuck down. She's. Lauren. I'm really unfazed by me. So only that Lauren comes in. She has to take a minute. She's disoriented. She walks into her room. I'm just in there. Ocean is doing no picking up by the way. She's just playing some more unfazed. Lauren comes back in. Lauren comes back in after what, five minutes and continues to pick up the room after she had her moment. After Lauren puts the last toy away, I see Ocean go up to her and go, Mom, I did it. Oh, I would have. She did it. She did it. I had just cleaned up the entire playroom and she looks around and goes, Mom, Mom, I did it. The vape really helped me get through it. Oh, the vape just back to it. Oh, Rose, lead back to the vape. My love. Eason, thank you so much for being here and participating. My love, thank you for listening to another episode of untraditionally Lala. I know being a parent is rough. I am here to tell you you're doing a fucking awesome job. Let's go out there and show our kids some love, but show them whose boss. I'm going to catch you guys on Monday and again next week. Bye. Welcome to the speed co-star. With Plusnet, Great Brawl Band isn't just about award-winning booters. It's also about speed. Wow. Before the 25th of March, whoa. Get full fiber that you can rely on with speeds up to 900 megabits available from 2299 a month. That's a plus. 2699 from the 31st of March, 2027. You custom is only limited availability terms apply. Travis Perkins' Stratford has now moved to Lentenstone. 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