Episode 336: Managing the Holidays with David and Sissy

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It's time to turn those what ifs into... With Shopify Today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com slash RBG. Go to Shopify.com slash RBG. That's Shopify.com slash RBG. Hey, friends. Welcome to the Raising Boys and Girls podcast. I'm Sissy Goff and I'm David Thomas and we're so glad you've joined us for this conversation. Let's dive in. Merry week of Christmas, David. Merry week of Christmas to you. I can't believe we're here. I can't either. And it is so fun to envision you all listening as you're driving to relatives' houses for the holidays or wrapping gifts or making a casserole, crying in your closet, whatever you might be doing currently. Whatever state you're in, it's okay. Yes, it is. And you're cheering you on. Yes, we are. We thought it could be helpful if we camped out for a few minutes and just talked about some good reminders that we would love to give you. 10 tips for navigating the holiday season. That we hope could give way to more enjoyment and more connection. And more freedom. Yes. Less crying in the closet. Yes. So can I kick it off? Yes, please. All right. First tip, we want to normalize that the holidays are big for kids and big in a lot of ways. Kids are holding excitement and disruption and overstimulation all at once. As are we. And you may be as well. Yes. Their bodies don't have the margin we think they should because their routines have shifted, their sleep has changed, and they're probably in a heightened state emotionally. So we want to keep those things in mind. And a great reframe for you as parents would be, my child isn't giving me a hard time. My child is having a hard time. Let me say it again and I want you to think about writing that down on a note card that maybe you put up on the bathroom here or hide in your sock drawer that serves as a great reminder over the next couple of weeks. My child isn't giving me a hard time. My child is having a hard time. And a simple phrase that we would encourage you to consider using is, lots of big feelings happen during special times. Yes. And I think it can be helpful to remind grandparents of the same truth because sometimes they can be a little less patient, a little less compassionate, and have a harder time remembering what it was like when you were little and having big feelings around the holidays. So those statements peppered with a lot of grace can be a great thing to say over and over to your mom or dad or in-laws who might be struggling a little bit in the process. Number two, we want to prepare kids for what's coming. And helping kids anticipate does a lot to ward off anxiety for all of us, for any of us to know what's coming. And so talking through what's going to happen on the drive to or even the night before spending time at a relative's house, opening gifts, all the different things that are going to create these big feelings, kids feel more capable when they know what to expect, what choices they can make, and what transitions are ahead. Sometimes these transitions, as we all know, are the hardest parts for kids. And so talking through who's going to be at that specific gathering, there's going to be time to play in this window and then we're going to sit at the table and I would like for you to sit at the table all the way through dessert or I want you to sit at the table for 10 minutes and know you can't have a screen at the Christmas dinner table or whatever the conversations need to be to prepare them for what's coming can be so helpful for them. And I think really do a lot to settle their nervous systems. Other holiday previews, like we mentioned, here's who's going to be there. Here's when we'll open gifts and here's one quiet spot to go when you need a break. And we would add to that. We have talked a lot about and I think you have a blueprint and Strong and Smart for a travel calm down corner. So to have in their little backpack or a pencil pouch even to have some stress balls, what else would you recommend having there? Being putty is so helpful to be able to work through, have a sensory experience. Depending on their age, something they can draw on, something they can color, a journal they can write in. And we would add to that also to have a code word. Y'all know we talk so much about code words, but to have a statement or a word or a signal that your kids can give you when they're starting to feel overstimulated and might need a break can be so helpful for them. Then it doesn't have to be a big deal or something that they feel embarrassed about, but you can just step outside together. They can take for a deep breath. They can remind you of something that helps anchor them. You can do five, four, three, two, one. Y'all know our favorite grounding game. Five things they see, four things they hear, three things they feel, two things they smell, one thing they taste. They can have a Bible verse they say to themselves. You can take three deep breaths together. All the things y'all know that we talk about all the time, but a code word can be a really safe, helpful exit strategy for just a few moments. And again, it's something they're prepared for that they know they can use if they need it. And I think those things, all of those things really are especially going to help anxious kids or kids who get dysregulated easily. And again, a lot of kids are going to lean that way in the holidays and we might too. And I think they pick up on our emotions often too, which we're going to circle back to in just a few minutes. Thirdly, we want to remind you to anchor gifts in gratitude. And we want to talk about this in a couple of different ways. Kids don't intuitively know how to respond if they get a gift they're not really excited about or a gift that maybe they already have. That happens often. Can I add something? Pleasure to talk about that. I so did not like attention as a child that it wasn't even about that it wasn't the gift I wanted just everybody watching me while I opened that gift. I remember my face getting red and I always felt like I couldn't give a big enough excited response. That's so good. So that can be an issue too. Well and can I tell a story too? I'd love to. So I had a delightful great grandmother who gave all the adult men in our family handkerchiefs, all the boys in our family, one pair of Navy socks. It was like a series. Everybody kind of got the same thing and it was not a very exciting thing. And I remember my mom practicing with me something that I could say that felt genuine. And so we practice me saying I wear these every single Sunday and that was 100% true. I wore those. I wore Navy socks to church. Now I wasn't excited to dress up for church and I wasn't excited about the Navy socks but I could say something that was true and allowed her to know that that gift would be put to good use. And so I felt prepared for those moments. So much of what you're saying, we feel overwhelmed and we feel unprepared in how to navigate that moment. So I think practicing, we talk so much about how kids are experiential learners. So rather than just being upset when they didn't deliver on a response of gratitude or as Sissy was saying, as big as we might have hoped the gratitude might have been, let's practice so they feel more prepared for those moments of how to walk it out. Yes. So it can be really helpful to talk through family dynamics ahead of time. Now not to spill all your laundry about your relationship with the uncle that you're not connected to at all or any of those specifics that younger ears don't need to hear, but at the same time to say, hey, you know what, your cousins might be allowed to be on screens more than you are and that's okay. You're still going to stick to what we do as a family together or remember your uncle Tom can be a little bit loud. And sometimes when he is, you can start to feel overwhelmed and in those times you come find me and here's what we'll do together. We're going to use the code word or even talking with your spouse about having a code word yourself so that if you start to get dysregulated, he'll understand why you're stepping away from cooking whatever it is or the table. But just, I think acknowledging those things with honesty with each other and some of them with the kids that you love can really help because I think kids start to pick up on family dynamics really early. And I think it's helpful to know even for them sometimes when I'm around a big fee, our big family, I can start to get frustrated and that's not who I want to be or I can think of a family even for an example where this amazing mom, they were all going to see her parents for the holidays and this girl would say to me and counseling my grandparents scare me sometimes because they talk so differently than my mom and dad. And they're from a different part of the country. They spoke more loudly and more directly. And so even for her mom to say, honey, remember, we'll call them Gigi and Papa. I don't remember what their names were, but Gigi and Papa talk differently sometimes and they sound more direct and it doesn't mean they don't love you. And so just helping talk honestly about those things, I think even can not only help kids be prepared, but also validate their intuition because they're going to pick up on some things intuitively and we don't want to say, oh, they love you. I don't know what you're talking about. You felt like my sister was mad at me and that's not true. Instead, you could say siblings have trouble sometimes even when they're grownups that were validating, were talking through those things in healthy age appropriate ways. And I think being aware yourself, I remember, I think I was in probably my early 30s, when I finally realized that sometimes when I would go home and stay at home, I acted the last age I was when I lived at home. And so I would become an adolescent when I would go home to my house. And so again, talking with your spouse or if you're a single parent, having a friend, you can text back at home that you can check in and be aware of even what's getting stirred up in you in terms of family dynamics because truth is, we're all going to be stirred in one way or another by somebody and that can spill over more easily than we mean for it too. And so thinking through that, number one, where am I feeling like I'm a kid? And number two, what's mine to do? Back to that question that we love that Suzanne uses all the time. What's mine to do in this moment? Because I think we can take on a lot of roles in the midst of our family of origin, especially that aren't ours. And so how can I come back to I want to stay in my lane and what's mine to do? For example, you can say to yourself, not my circus, not my clowns, because they're going to be some clowns. And now a quick break to hear from one of our incredible sponsors who make the podcast available. Okay, David, be honest. Are you ready for the holidays? Ready, not even close. I thought we were in the pumpkin spice part of the year and suddenly we're hosting Christmas. Connie went straight into Wayfair Mode, new lamps for our bedroom, new lamps for the guest room, new bedding, new rug, even the guest bed looks like it belongs in a hotel. She is my kind of woman. I did the same thing last weekend for my nephews. 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It's being able to share our memories with the next generation to let kids see where they came from. Right now, Legacy Box is running their Mother's Day sale, but for our listeners, they're also offering an additional $10 off your order so you can take advantage of the sale and save a little extra while preserving your family's story. Visit LegacyBox.com for more information. And now back to the show. All right, tip number five, create a holiday rhythm, not a rigid schedule. Now, we will start by reminding you, you know this, but kids do thrive in rhythm and routine and structure and sameness, and we want to offer the great flexibility and surprise of all of what this week can bring while also thinking about how we could fold in some rhythm, some routine, some sameness, and structure that allows kids to feel safe. And I think- For all of the holiday break, wouldn't you say? Absolutely. It's good for all of us. And so think on a template like one event per day, one calm activity between big busy outings, a daily reboot time. So maybe it's some quiet reading, maybe it's some room time, maybe it's doing some art, some kind of opportunity for reset that I think is not just good for kids, but good for us too. We're going to come back to that in a couple of minutes. The equation we want you to think about is rhythm over perfection. Tell them about another one. We would say sometimes you might sense that something's going on with your kids and it is easy to come at them with a lot of questions to get them to talk about what's going on inside of them, but it can be really helpful to keep emotional check-in simple with kids. And so especially when you're actually at the gathering to ask simple questions like are you green, yellow, or red right now? Or I have read even are you poo, tigger, or e-warp, which is a really fun way to ask it. You could also have them show you with their hands like a rising level, their level of energy. And then follow it up with how can we bring it down a little bit? Let's take three deep breaths together or show me with your fingers however overwhelmed you feel. And that will give you an indicator. Do you need to pull out the pencil pouch, travel calming kit? Do you need to go for a quick walk around the block? Do you need to go grab your grandmother's dog and pull them aside and pet the dog for a few minutes? What is it that you could do to help them come back down? And it teaches them awareness more in the midst of that. Well, that's a great transition into the next tip, which is to build in recovery moments for yourself. So we've been talking about a lot of ideas to help the kids we love, but let's talk for a few minutes about you. So you need to refill to particularly if to Sissy's point about a lot that gets stirred with family, if you're doing a lot of heavy emotional lifting during this time, because you're in the presence of a lot of family and there are a lot of dynamics in play and maybe a lot of things that are just stirring inside of you. So what would it look like for you to have some small doable practices every day, like five minutes in loan in the car before going into a family gathering? Could be a great one to practice. Or we have been coaching you all along in this podcast about doing square breathing with the girls you love and combat breathing with the boys you love. And maybe everybody could do a little breathing before we walk in. Maybe we could listen to some music, close our eyes, sit still for a couple of minutes and have some great conversation about how we feel about that reset and regulation. Go for a walk with a friend. Start your morning with a mantra. We'd invite you to go back and listen to your numbers episode where I think we gave every parent and every number something they could say back to themselves, like any grand one parents out there. Good enough. The Christmas wrapping is good enough. The decorating I've done is good enough. The breakfast casserole I prepared is good enough. How I showed up with family today was good enough. What would it look like for you to be saying that back to yourself with regularity? Go back and revisit that episode, which just could be some good reminders about what's most true about you. And then permission to simplify. Yes. Fewer gifts, fewer events, fewer expectations. Parents taking care of themselves is the best gift they have to give their kids, not whatever's wrapped under the tree. And as we're talking about all these things, we know there are a good bit of you who are grieving this holiday season. And acknowledging that grief with honesty is really important, naming it for us and for the kids that we love because they're aware of it. They're aware when you're feeling it, they're missing the person or the family unit or whatever you might be grieving the loss of together. And I think it helps kids feel much safer when we can talk about that. And so what does it look like in that way to honor the past or the person and to even create new rituals together? And I think it could be that we have a candle we light in our house for a person that we love and are missing. It could be that we make sure that we tell stories about, you know, my favorite memory with my mom over Christmas. Somebody made me tear, he's saying that out loud. But whatever the whoever it is that we're missing that we include them still in the holidays, because not only do we believe they're there, but your kids are longing for that too. And so how can you acknowledge and bold that grief in a way that feels hopeful to kids? And if you're not on the side that it feels hopeful, if you feel like it's really fresh, then we have seen so many families who throw all the traditions out the window for a year or two years, and they do something totally different. And that's okay too. You, your kids, as in all things, take your lead and whatever is going to help you feel most centered and like yourself and like you're free to show up, then that's what's important for the holidays and they can look entirely different. And so we want to acknowledge those things and acknowledge the past and help them know even in the midst of grief, we're still going to enjoy each other and we're still a family. And so, you know, we talk so much about families who are going through a divorce about creating new rituals for kids that they feel like my family's still okay and we're still going to love the holidays and we're still going to be together because what matters the most is their time with you. It's not who else is there and all the different traditions and rituals you have, it matters the most that they're connected to you. And so we can do that without a lot of the things that sometimes we feel like we have to have and are worried about letting go of. And so acknowledging that grief, being open to new experiences, and just sharing in all of it together, I think is probably the most important in light of all of that. And to talk about it, I mean to say it out loud, I miss Mimi or I miss whoever it is in the midst of the grief. Okay, I need to publicly apologize to my sister Sharon. She came to stay with us not long ago, slept in our guest room and I may have run her life. 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So maybe after big important gifts from family members, we might want to pause and make a video thinking them why the excitement is fresh and allows us just not to move straight toward the next gift, but the experience both enjoyment and the gratitude. You don't have to play with every toy right away. And so these reminders again, I think are not just good for kids, but for us as well. And think about even connecting back to the rhythm's reminder of it could be great to even think about particular rhythms of we might open two gifts and then have breakfast together. We might open two more gifts and then read a book together. We might open two more gifts so that there are these pauses at different points along the way that I think allow all kids to regulate, but particularly for those of you who have kids who've got some sensory hurdles and just struggle more with regulation, the slowing down and the quieter moments, I think are going to help them tremendously. And then lastly, we would just say that we want you to remember that the holidays don't have to be magical as much as they need to be manageable for kids and for us. They don't have to be perfect. And if you haven't gotten a copy of our friend, Narrow Felicia on his book, All Is Calm Ish, that feels like the truth of it. And that's a great book to maybe take with you wherever you're going for this holiday season. But just to remember that sometimes I think we put so much pressure on ourselves that it really pulls the enjoyment out of the holiday experience. And so even as you wake up Christmas morning for you to think about what it looks like to be freed up, to enjoy and be present, it really is the best gift that you can give your kids. And we would love to read a prayer for you in just a minute. But before we do, will you say what y'all's Christmas tradition is that I think it would be great for everybody to get a copy of this book and read out loud together because you can even get it digitally if you don't have time to go to the bookstore. Will you say what y'all do as a family? So our tradition was that the kids would come downstairs, we would open stockings, and then we would take a pause just like we talked about a few minutes ago, and we would have breakfast together before we open any other gifts. And we would read from one of our all-time favorite books, the Jesus Story Book Bible, The Light of the Whole World. That chapter is just stunning. I have yet to date to make it all the way through without crying. And so we had the great joy of interviewing the delightful Sally Lloyd-Jones and ask her to read it aloud. And so you could read together, you could have Sally Lloyd-Jones read it to your whole family. But it's a beautiful way to frame all of what that day is about. No matter how old your kids are. No matter how old. And we want to end this conversation by reading a prayer from Every Moment Holy, which we love, and you can find this on their website. And it is called A Liturgy for the Wrapping of Christmas Gifts. Just imagining that might be where you are and what you're doing right now, we would love to pray this over you. O great giver of all good gifts, I sit amongst rolls of wrapping paper, tissue, bags, and bows, present spread before me, ready to be concealed in shrouds of joyful mystery, and nestled for a time beneath the tree. The brief veiling of gifts from the wondering eyes of those who will receive them is an act intended to heighten excitement and to kindle hopes, hopes that might find fulfillment when these festive secrets are finally revealed. There is always in us that which delights in surprise. And while these gifts might provide a passing happiness, I pray they would also stir the hearts of their recipients in some deeper way, as small echoes of a greater grace. For you first lavished upon us your astonishing love in the person of Jesus. You wrapped your gift, O God, in the form of a baby. And then in that baby become man, you unveiled glory upon glory, miracles, marvelous words, deeds of compassion and mercy, strong promises, death defeated, life eternal. The revelation of yourself as a dear Father, longing to adopt us orphans as daughters and sons. Indeed, we love because God first loved us. In our giving of Christmas gifts, we but seek to imitate your generosity. So let our stumbling attempts to mirror the eternal charities of your own lavish heart, be undertaken in a spirit of glad celebration and as an act of worship. Christ, you are the gift of God who gave all, gives all, is all. So let these my small presence be offered in great love and received as humble expressions of a holy hospitality and reminders of a divine kindness. Now may the lives of all your children be ever more marked by loving generosity, manifest in daily acts a practical service to others, O Lord. And may my own heart in particular be kept less and less like a wrapped and sealed mystery, but be freely offered instead, as an open gift through which the radiant love of Christ is made ever more visible. Amen. David, what a team we have that we get to call friends who help make this podcast possible. Chris Sterrett, our engineer, our management team at KCH. We are thrilled to be a part of the That Sounds Fun Network. Our music was created by the insanely talented Dave Haywood of Lady A. And if this podcast felt helpful to you, please consider subscribing, liking, sharing all the things. We are grateful for you and cheering you on always.