How to find a Vampire

You're listening to Pet Candy. This show is brought to you by Brave Paws Anxiety and Stress Support Two Aboles for Dogs. Thunderstorms, vet visits, fireworks, separation anxiety and more. Every day can be a Brave Paws Day. Check out my Brave Paws.com. For the sound check today, I'll be eating some M&Ms. And I'll be tapping on the table. Fantastic. For Orville's girth. That was a good time to start recording. Oh, I caught one. It's not big enough for Orville's girth. Orville-Renmacher. Yeah. The popcorn god. The popcorn god. Yeah. The king of popcorn. Welcome to our new show, Obsessed. A show where we talk about whatever it is we're currently obsessed with. I'm Caitlin Palmer. I'm Clinton. And we're obsessed. Obsessed. Hey everybody, I hope your day is better than mine because my brain is made entirely of shrimp. Well, we're already further than we made it in our last day. Yeah, this is like our third time restarting because I just tripped over all my words and it just turned into a long run on sentence of expletives and plays like you should elect it and my get would just be beep. So we didn't. It would have been pretty good. It would have been kind of funny. But I laughed. He did. I made clay laugh. My life is complete. So it is October. And we all know that means spooky season and Halloween and fall and candles and egg boots and pumpkins by the lattes of my. But October is also breast cancer awareness month. So all my ladies. I'm going to bring down the room. No, all my ladies, make sure you get those titties checked out. And for all my vet friends, I'm not going to say ages because it's very controversial. Getting your female dog spayed is going to help decrease those chances of breast cancer because animals get breast cancer. So let's take care of them titties and them titties. You mean pit bulls like that? Yeah, a local rescue in town here where we live is doing a pits for tits October special and it's really cute. That's fantastic. It's amazing. It being Halloween, as you could tell from the last episode, we've got a theme going on here. We're doing some very classic sort of classic spook. Some classic spookies much like today's subject, which I will not say yet. I will read you a small story first. Can you write a story? Everyone gather around. Go up your switch, Melos. The People Are Terrified The people are terrified. There is a beast that stalked these streets during the night. They say it looks no different than a man, at least not from afar. But how could something so terrible be anything other than a hideous monster? Our small town has neither the resources nor enough willing men capable of rooting out this threat. It prowls our village in the dead of night. It waits for unsuspecting prey to leap upon them and draw from them their essence. It has left drained corpses in its way. Twisted faces frozen in pain decorate their dry empty bodies. No one dares to go out at night, not until the first race of morning kiss the opposite end of town. Two days went by without death. But then a knock came to my door long since the light has left us. A tall, bloated man dressed in dirty rags stood before me. Not a man from around here, somewhere west of here, England I think. Herect of old dirt, but more than dead there was a stench of dirty metal. It sat upon my tongue, like leaking the end of a freshly hammered nail. His eyes stirred through me to the floor behind. His eyes never meeting mine. Even still he opened his mouth and asked me if he might come in from the cold. He was polite. There was almost a kindness in his voice, and perhaps for a second I considered his request. But then I smelled his breath. It waved at over on a cloud so thick I could almost fill it against my face, like rotting meat and dead damned metal smell. The smell of old blood shocked to my senses. I declined his request and told him to leave my home. For the first time his eyes met mine and there was nothing but rage. He held in anger, demanding I let him in. He roared and clashed at my doorway. But for all his bulk and might he did not pass into my home. He could have. There was nothing to stop him. I certainly could not have impeded his pet if I tried. I slammed my door and locked it and for the rest of the night he crawled and banked at the walls of my home, bellowing to be letting. At one point I heard him on my roof and the gentle tapping of my window begging to come in. He continued until sunrise when it suddenly stopped. Oh, I can hear him at night, knocking on each door in the village, quietly begging to come in. Oh, no one has died since we stopped coming out at night. I think he is getting desperate now. Hungry. Perhaps we will start of him if a thing such as that can be started. If you hear a knock on your door after a sunset, whatever you do, do not let him in. He is no man. He is dead. He is stricloi. Oh, that was good. First of all, I don't let anybody in whether it's day or night. Your girl is not home anytime there's a knock at the door. A stricloi is just one of many vampiric creatures, particularly one from Romania that haunts its living family members and neighbors. We interrupt your regularly scheduled podcast for these messengers. We'll be right back with more PET candy. Hi, I want to tell you about my new show, Simply Pets with Shannon Gregor. We talk about pets, life, love, and everything in between with the coolest people on the planet. Don't miss out on the fun. Check it out on a podcast platform of your choice. Before we covered the Chupacabras, another vampiric creature, though thought less of as a vampire and more of an animal, vampiric, the word being a creature that feeds on the essence of another creature, sometimes spiritual, but in many cases, blood. People have been infatuated with the idea of vampires for the last 200 years. Vampires or at least something very similar appears in many cultures all over the globe. In European folklore, vampires are typically undead entities that prey on humans, feeding upon their blood and in some cases creating new vampires this way. They were described as bloated and ruddy, which seems directly opposite to what people today imagine when hearing the term vampire. Yeah, vampires now are, they're, they're like erotic, sexy people. Beautiful, elegant, sparkly bitch. Sparkly, if you're a fan of Twilight. Yeah, that's it out. No, you can stay. In fact, the Swavpelite and Charismatic Vampire we are familiar with didn't come around until 1819 with John Polidorus, the vampire, but with a Y. This one, the MPYRE, a vampire, a vampire. This was solidified by the release of two more novels in 1872 and 1897, Carmilla and Dracula. Oh, that's a good book too. These two would be the building blocks for what we think of today as vampires. Fun fact, you can read Dracula for free because it's in the public domain. Domain, yeah, so you can like, I guess so too, then would be Carmilla. Probably. If you're a fan of the Castlevania Netflix series, you might recognize the name as it is the name of one of the head vampires. Oh my gosh, I did think it sounded familiar. Also, how good was Castlevania? Very good. Vampires are also known to turn into animals. The most commonly depicted being the bat, although usually it's not a vampire bat like you think it would be. Those are very small. They are so tiny. They're cute little flying rats. Oh, but they could also turn into wolves and owls. Anything that was considered a creature of the night. The term vampire itself came about from Western Europe in the late 18th century. After a bout of mass hysteria broke out around vampires that led to many people being falsely accused of being vampires and many more corpses being staked through the chest. Ouch! So much like the Salem witch trials we covered last time, there was just this mob mentality that built where people insisted vampires. Right. Oh no. We're assaulting their town. Well, I guess the end was more swift for a vampire at least. Vampires have had a strange list of various weaknesses, which truly shows off their reach into other cultures. As each culture has added something new to the list with their own brand of vampire mythologies. Probably the most common that you'd go to would be sunlight and the sign of the cross. The only way to truly stop a vampire being a wooden stake, preferably blessed by an ordained minister, driven into the creature's heart. Does it have to be a certain kind of wood? It doesn't have to be. There were preferred woods, particularly they preferred ash wood, since that is what was said that Jesus was crucified upon, so it was considered more holy, but ultimately any wood would work. I mean, this is almost a required scene in any vampire media. Right. Yes, stick to the heart. The brave hunter sneaking up on a sleeping vampire in his coffin and killing him in his slumber. Yes, so brave to kill people when they're asleep. It's so brave. Yeah, you know, when the brave van Helsing type stabs a vampire in the chest and he's like, bro, I was trying to sleep. I was going to call you later. Not cool, bro. So some other cultures assisted on staking the vampire through the mouth, like through the back of the head or through the stomach or even decapitating the creature altogether. Sunlight is said to either completely destroy a vampire, causing them to combust or turn to ash, or simply to weaken them to a point of mortality. This is actually not included in all vampire mythologies, but in the ones that isn't, it's still most common for a vampire to be most active during the night. It's kind of a common trait for any spooky thing is that it comes out at night when people feel the most vulnerable. Most people are in the home, so you have this feeling of, like, a loan. You can't see very well in the dark, so you feel more vulnerable. Yeah, and there's kind of this hole like you're not supposed to go outside at night. Like, we've just been taught, I guess, since we were children. I used to love going outside to play at night. I'd sneak out and go play with my dog. Garlic is a common weakness, but I can't really find a reason why. Huh. Well, people stay away from me when I eat a lot of garlic. Yeah, so maybe that's what is the stench that garlic gives off. Maybe someone was like making fun of their spouse and their like viewer vampire. I wouldn't come near you. Or if I was a vampire, I wouldn't even come near you because you stink. You smell like garlic. You smell like garlic. Garlic just seems to have been some sort of, like, warning item. A branch of rose or hawthorn is said to bring them pain and sprinkling mustard seeds on a roof will protect your home from vampires. Huh. Yeah. Like I said, just kind of weird nonsense things that don't seem to have any sort of basis. All right. A holy water, crucifixes, and the light repell evil. And in a vampire's case, that seems to work. It's even said that a vampire cannot set foot on hollowed ground so, you know, no evening mass for countercouple. Oh, man. More cemeteries. Neither can witches, witches, exercise people. What a set foot on holy ground. Doesn't it make you feel safe? It does. Why can't I burn every time I'm really grown? Mirrors are said to work, but not necessarily as a repellent, but rather as a way of identifying vampires. Because they don't have a reflection. I forgot about that until literally just now. By placing one facing your door of vampires less likely to come to your home in fear of being easily discovered. This is because most mirrors back in the day were made with a silver backing. Silver being a pure and often holy metal, repels impurities. As such, it will not display a vampire's reflection for their impure beings. It's also said that vampires do not cast a shadow. This is taken from the idea that they're somehow soulless. I never thought about it because they're usually out at night. You don't have a whole lot of a shadow at night, anyway. That might be one. One of the reasons why they don't come out during the sunlight if we're looking at the mythology's where they don't immediately die. Right. Because they don't want to be discovered. Somebody would notice that. That are turned to stone. This was most common in most iterations of vampires except for the Greek Viral Kalakas, which casted both reflection and shadow. Other traditions held that if you were to eat bread, baked with the blood of a vampire, it would grant you protection. This might sound absurd, but back in the day, people were paid as sin-eaters. Usually poor people that were not liked, but families would pay them to come in and eat the bread. The family had left atop the fresh corpse of a loved one the night before. The idea being that the bread would work almost like a filter or a sponge that would trap the deceased's sin within. So long as somebody took that sin into themselves, the soul could move on. If you were poor being a sin-eater wasn't a bad gig, you know, free bread and you get paid. That's so sad though. Oh my gosh. Can you imagine being like, hey, I hate you, you stink. Please eat this nasty bread. Would you eat this dead bread? Please eat my nasty nasty bread. But I'd left on my uncle's chest. Oh, yeah. No. Well, listen, no more gross than like the stupid witch-piss cake. That's true, the witch-piss cake. The witch-piss cake. Can we name our podcast, Witch Piss? Witch Piss. Welcome to Witch Piss. There are also ways to prevent a vampire from even forming. Baring one upside down was the most preferred method. The awakened vampire would think it was digging to its freedom while it was actually burying itself deeper. Oh. What a stupid thing. You big dumb vampires. Tommy. It's like, oh, the dirt's not falling on my face, but I guess I'll keep going. Hey, vampire, you want to eat this dead bread? Trick him into eating in his own. Wonder what would happen then? Mmm. They turned back into a human. That's the antidote of Empress. This is why I couldn't exist back then, because I would have asked these questions. They'd be like, oh, but I don't know. Leaving worldly possessions by the grave would keep the spirit satisfied and make it less willing to rise from the grave. And severing the legs or the tendons and said legs also worked for reasons. I'm sure you can guess. I guess you can't chase someone if you don't got an inculence at them. So it was like, oh boy, I'm a vampire. Time for me to go kill. Oh, man. Oh, man. Why is there bread on my chest? It was someone cared. Something I found interesting is a lot like Fae Folk. Early iterations of vampires would be compelled to count things. So leaving a bag of seeds or sand by the grave would make the vampires stop and count each grain first. This was especially true with Fragoi and Indochinese vampires who were more like evil spirits than Caportal on them. Well now you know how to stop a vampire. Okay. I'm ready. I've got an arsenal. But now how do you find one? I don't know. Go to New Orleans. First you're going to need a virgin boy. You put that virgin boy on a virgin stallion. Okay. The stallion should be either black or white depending if you are in Albania or not. Set the two loose in a graveyard and if everything was done correctly, the horse will approach the grave of the vampire. Is the boy riding on the horse? I... Yes. Okay. And you just like turn it loose? You just turn loose. Let them do what they want. Saddled? Not specified, but I would assume you shouldn't have a saddle, I guess. I don't know if it messes with the energy of those really dangerous. I don't know why this works or what the idea is behind it. Up. That's our sponsor. Gotta go check that. We'll be right back with more PET candy. Have an anxious pet? Brave Paws may help. Brave Paws' anxiety and stress support chewables may promote calm behavior and dogs who exhibit nervousness and anxious behavior. Are clinically studied and patented botanical blend, contains naturally occurring bioactives? Which have been found to promote a sense of calm and relaxation and dogs. What's even better is it's fast-acting and non-drowzy. Come get it today at my Brave Paws dot com. So now that you've found the vampire's grave, you need to make sure you're dealing with the vampire here. So you're going to be looking for a couple of things. If holes have appeared over the fresh grave, you got the right place. Okay. If you open it up and the coffin wasn't nailed shut, the corpse looked healthier than it should or had blood around its mouth, you got a vampire. So stake that bad boy or if you're in Germany, cut off its head and put it between its ass cheeks, put a clove of garlic or lemon or a lemon slice in its mouth and then bury him back up. No more vampire problem. Oh cool. How you had it? Yep. Well how do you know if you have a vampire problem in the first place? I know we're really starting at the end here and working up, but if you're unsure if you have a vampire problem, there's a couple of things you can look for. If your cattle or the cattle of someone you know dies, if a relative or someone your relative knows dies, if rocks keep getting thrown on your roof or if a vase falls off of the table, oh no. You got a vampire infestation. We all have vampires guys. Sorry to be the one to do. This is the only time when any of these things will happen and only when these things happen. At science fact, every death has resulted in a vampire because by this logic, there's no way that a vampire could not form. We are all so screwed. He's like someone you know or someone you know knows knows has died. Yeah. If you have heard about someone dying, a vampire has popped out of a... So there's a few stories dating back to the 12th century that could be taken for vampirism. But it was often attributed to evil spirits. Demons were pretty much the only thing that were actually stated to drink blood, but even the word demon has some sort of liberal uses. I mean any creature or malevolent thing you see, you would call a demon. It's a little blurred there, you don't really. Right. And the Japanese version of a demon is very different than the Western. Yeah. There's a lot of different versions of demons. The age of enlightenment was a period of time in which interest in scholarly works increased dramatically. During this time, much of mythology and folkloreism was stamped out. In 1721, in East Prussia, an outbreak of alleged vampire attacks were reported. This continued for years and began to increase in frequency and intensity. Two cases involving two Serbian men are the most popular. Milo's secar was a retired soldier who took to farming. He was supposedly attacked by a vampire year's prior, but seemed to suffer no ill effects. After he died years later, people began to die mysteriously in the surrounding area. People believed Milo's had come back to slay his neighbors as a vampire. Well, I mean, that makes sense. I can't think of any other reason anybody would die in the 1800s. The second man, Peter Blagojevic died at the age of 62. After his death, he was said to visit his son, asking for food. His son refused and was found dead the following day. Ungrateful. Many more residents would be found dead having died from a mysterious blood loss. The thing with these cases is that both of them were well documented, where officials had written extensive notes and examined the bodies even writing books about the incidents. Oh wow, that's pretty impressive for that time. This would create something known as the 18th century vampire controversy. And it would continue for decades. More and more reported vampire attacks would appear. Villagers would begin digging up and staking corpses on mass, and this would only come to a close when Empress Maria Teresa said her personal physician to examine the bodies. He returned and denied any evidence of vampirism leading Austria's Empress to pass laws prohibiting the opening of graves and the desecration of the bodies therein. Many other leaders would follow suit and the vampire craze was essentially over. At least the fanaticism. They would continue to be a huge part of many mythologies and would see a resurgence in popularity thanks to the novels, Camilla and Count Dracula. Recently, in the last 20 years, there's also been another resurgence after a period of a low. We had things like twilight, we had vampire diaries, we got the strain, a book and TV show. That's a good TV show. Which actually focuses on Stregoid. Yes, when you said Stregoid, I was like, Lou. All right, I'll have that word. Such a good word. It's a good answer. You got an interview with the vampire. That's a good book. Cult classic. Morbius just came out. Lots of vampires, shit. People love vampires. Vampires are really cool. Buffy? Buffy, underworld. Lots of things about vampires. They've been very popular in the last 20 years to say the least. I'd say probably almost as popular as they've ever been. I mean, we aren't exactly digging up bodies and staking corpses through the chest. That's true. But if you know one thing about the bodies, when a person dies, they leak. They leak. You're going to have blood around the mouth and the nose. They're also going to bloat, typically from all the gases that build up. This is what led to people gave them the idea. Or at least it was thought of, gave them the idea that these creatures were leaving their coffins and going to feed on humans. They had blood. They were distended like they were good and full, had a big nice meal. Usually those bodies were early decomp, so the soil would still be fresh. They would be recently buried. Another thing that came about from this is people started really nailing coffin shut. Yeah. You can still find in some cemeteries though, will be graves that have bars over them. So even if they rise, they can't get out. Sometimes they would be buried with sharp instruments inside of their coffin so that when they would bloat, it would poke them and deflate them. The idea of believing that that would keep them from becoming a vampire. There's also like a weird thing about shooting a gun through the coffin. And somehow that would keep a vampire from forming. Not necessarily shooting the corpse, but shooting through the coffin somehow prevented a vampire. I'm not sure behind the reasoning on that one either. That's interesting. I've never heard that. It seems like a very sort of redneck way of solving it. It's like, that'll keep them dead. What's dead should stay dead. Did you ever, in your research, did you ever find out why they need permission to come inside? No. But a lot of belief was around them being evil spirits or at least evil spirits that were possessing a body. So they seem to follow a lot of the rules that fey foe in that sense. They're these otherworldly beings and they have these different rules that they have to follow in our world. Like I said, the endochinese vampires, if you've never seen a picture of a Chinese vampire, scary. It's pretty spooky. It's pretty spooky. Yeah. You know, plus people would look at the fact that like people's hair would continue to grow, the nails would continue to grow. And it gave a very monstrous visage. Right. Well, it doesn't continue to grow. What happens is the skin retracts as it turns. And it appears to have gone rather, yeah. So that made people think that they were like transforming into these. Sure. I can see it like pretending I'm back from the 1800s. I mean, our 17th hour, how are the hell off of Goat was not understanding that? Yeah. It does look like, hey, this body's still doing sh**. And it stinks and it's got a full belly. This guy's got a full beard. I got a full beard. So vampires appear in a lot of other things. Maybe not necessarily by the name vampire, like Strigoy or Strix. They've been referred to by many things. It's believed that the old Norse Drauger were considered vampires or Drauger. Vampire means we're even kind of written about in Jewish literature. The 16th century rabbi, David Ben Solomon. He has more name here than I can't pronounce. David Ben Solomon, Ibn Abbey Zimra. Sounds good to me. Sounds pretty cool. But he wrote an uncharitable old woman whose body was unguarded and unburied for three days after she died, where evil spirits possessed her corpse and caused a deride. From the sort of disrespect shown to the body. Sure. Sounds like she was a disrespectful sh**. Well, I mean, uncharitable old woman. This seems like a way of calling someone an old bitch without having anything to actually say that they did. Right. That's like how you would have to notate in a chart when a client is rude. Yeah. But for real though, everybody, can we just talk about how great brave pauses? We got a free sample. We did. We're going to be completely transparent with you. We did. We got some free stuff and it works. Yeah. I was a little surprised. Like I'm not going to lie, you get this stuff and it doesn't really seem like a typical pet treat, right? Right. But we gave it to our pets and they gumbled right off. They do. They do. And it's nice because it's like you give so many pills per pound so you don't have to buy like three different sizes. You know, our little guy gets a half of one. Our big one gets three. Right. And he loves it. He takes them like a treat. Now being plant based, you're kind of like, ooh, are they going to like it? Right. That's what I'm saying. It's like it's dry and sort of leafy and it like I said, it just doesn't. Normally when you get a pet treat, it's kind of like moist and squishy. But you know, they don't usually eat those I found. Well, that's because ours are extremely picky, which is why it was so surprising. They ate these. Exactly. And we got more than one dog. We're going to be for real with you all. But they eat it and they eat it well. Yeah. And it worked. It does. We live in the deep South, aka Satan's armpit and it storms and rains at least once a week, like at least once a week, we're under some kind of watch, like a hurricane watch. That's the Tuesday. And our dogs are weenies. So when it starts like with the lightning and the rain and everything, they freak out. They do. They do. We really put these to the test. Right. And I did not think that they would work like they did. Exactly. As well as they do. And this is a non prescription. You don't have to go to the vet and get it. It's not going to knock them out. It's not a sedative. It's just a calming support. And it does. And it had lightning hit very close to our house within a mile. It ran out of our windows. It was scary. I was even scared. I love bad weather. And we gave everybody their happy pills and they put the brave paws on and everybody laid down and went to sleep and it was fun. Yeah. So like we don't have to do this part of the commercial, right? Like we've done the ad read and we've goofed around. But like this is we wouldn't lie to you. We wouldn't at least not record this part if it didn't work and we didn't actually. Exactly. And we're both in the animal industry and we have been for years and years. So we would not tell you about a product if we did not believe in it ourselves. Yeah. It absolutely worked for us. Maybe it'll work for you. Go check it out. Mybravepaws.com. Go put your brave paws on. Brave paws. Give your pet the courage they need to weather the storm. Probably not in this episode, but in more episodes in the future, we will talk about some notable vampires or people who are believed such as Hurray Grando who is seen as having been the first vampire who died in 1656. We'll also talk about Elizabeth Battery. Oh, love her. Right. And Vlad the Impaler. Oh, he's awful too, but so interesting. Right. They've got stories all on their own. It'll take a while. They honestly could. We could do Elizabeth Battery Vlad the Impaler. Let's do that. You do Vlad the Impaler. I'll do Elizabeth Battery. Okay. I was going to do like a whole thing in all the room. Oh, yeah. You do that. So I mentioned that vampires appear in many different cultures. Here's just a list we may not necessarily talk about these individually in the future, but I should list these creatures and their wide reach. So for instance, we have Africa. In Western Africa, there is what's described as the Iron Toothed and Tree Dwelling as Subossum and the Adzi that both the Ashanti people and the Eway people believe in that can take the form of a Firefly and typically haunt children. As most things do. Most things haunt children. They really love children. The Eastern Cape region has the Impadulu who takes the form of a large talent bird. And the people of Madagascar tell of the Ramanga and Outlaw or Living Vampire who drinks blood and apparently each the nail clippings of noble. So over here in the Americas, both North and South, we have the Lugaru, which is believed to be vampiric. Really? We have some female monsters such as the Sukayant and the Pastola. We love the Pastola. The Pastola coming from Columbia and folklore. We also have the Mapucci of Southern Chile. That's cute. It's probably not though. The Mapucci of Southern Chile have a blood-sucking snake known as the Puyken. Ooh, we love a snake. The Aztec mythology describes tales of the Kihatito, a skull-faced spirits who died in childbirth, who stole children and did some more distasteful things. I'm actually going to leave out. That is spooky. I need to know. This is a tell-me-to-how spooky kind of be quite... I don't like it. Oh. Don't like it at all. We're kind of a weenie. Tell us. Intered into sexual liaisons with the living, driving them mad. Oh, okay. But they deal with children mostly. Oh, that's not okay. Yeah, see. Oh, I'm sorry. Okay. Never mind. Asia, as I had mentioned, the Chinese have their own vampire, who I think is probably the creepiest iteration of a vampire. So creepy. The Nakubi is a being whose head and neck detach from its body to fly about seeking human prey. And again, all of these creatures I've said to feast upon, particularly the blood of a human, which lumps them into this category of vampires. Right. Anything that eats blood, drinks blood. You can kind of eat and drink blood at the same time. At the same time. Both hungry and thirsty. The Philippines believe in a creature, the Tagalog Mende Rugo, which supposed to mean blood sucker, pretty aptly named much like the Chupa Coppers. Yeah. Although that's blood sucking, blood sucking like goat feet or whatever. Right. Goat sucker. Goat sucker. The Malaysian pinagagolin is a woman who obtained her beauty through the active use of black magic. There's a little bit of overlap between vampires and witches. There really is. I'm seeing that. Sometimes that which is sort of become vampires, I guess, as their dark pack presses. They ascend to a vampire. Don't do that. That's a bad escalation. Some vampires from Indonesia, the Pontiac or the Lengressur, which is a woman who died during childbirth and became undead seeking revenge. All these women dying during childbirth. Lots of women. In Vietnam, the word used to translate Western vampires, Ma Karang, originally referred to a type of demon that haunts modern day, Futo Provinces. I talked about the Chinese vampires. They have their own name. They are called the Jiyang Shi. We've heard of them. Reanimated corpses that hop around, killing living creatures to absorb specifically their life essence, Ki. So not so much blood as just like your soul, essentially, your spirit. There is skecsies. They need your essence. We'll do it up so don't skecsies. Skecsies. So Clay, everybody has a favorite vampire. Who's your favorite vampire? So I had to think about this one because I actually don't really like vampires. Really? Yeah. But I do have a couple that I think of when I think vampire and like one is David Borealis as Angel. Yes. Of course. It's Borealis. Borealis. Borealis. The Borealis. I said his meme name by accident. Yeah, he said. Of course you got Alacard from the Castlevania series. You love Alacard too. But I'm going to have to go with Father Night Road from Trinity Blood. I never saw that. Yep. He was a vampire that explicitly fed on other vampires and he was a priest with the church. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, he was a kindly goofball essentially. But then would get serious when someone he cared about was in danger and you know, would feast upon that person. Well, excuse me, dear. I have to go commit heinous murder. BRB. What about yours? So I am with you on Alacard. We love an Alacard. He's a sweet baby, little baby angel and I love him. Right. You're thinking specifically Netflix series. Alacard. Yes, specifically that Alacard. But like he's big and we love him. I really like a stat because his name is Listat and that's really cool. It's fun to say. It's very fun to say Listat. Fun name to say. Yeah, the stat, Louis. How likes felt were those vampires? Like they were like beautiful and so erotic. I'm pretty sure everybody has seen an interview with a vampire. Probably has. The book's good too. I'm that person. I'm always like, well, in the book. Oh, yeah, I know. I know you like that. He does. He knows that he knows this to be a fact. That's right vampires. Okay. As a whole. Okay, I was going to say because there's a lot of variations. A lot of variations. Let's just kind of average them together. Yeah. I'm going to take the mean of the vampire. If we focus on a particular vampire in the future, much like with the Jupiter Cauvers, then we can focus on those. Oh dang, it sounds like it's about to storm. Come on, Clay. Help me grab all the dogs and let's give them all their brave paws. We'll be right back. We'll be right back with more Pet Candy. Hi, this is Shea and I want to tell you about my new show on Pet Candy, Cookie with Shea. I make vegan eating easy and fun. Check it out on Pet Candy TV. How likely are you to survive and encounter with it like 1 to 10? I feel like I stand a pretty good chance against the vampires because I don't answer the door. Yeah, it's pretty hard to. Now if I was like walking the street, so New Orleans at night and... Well, just don't do that. Well, I wouldn't do that anyway, but like if someone just approached me and you'd be talking about vampires. Yeah, because you don't have to worry about vampires. That's true. The vampires are probably like, hey, don't go in there. Yeah, they're like, look, I don't want to see you get hurt. Yeah. No, the vampires are a different breed. Oh, that's what let's do that. And then we're right. We live in New Orleans. New Orleans. New Orleans. No. All right, well, give it a number of 1 to 10. I feel like I stand a solid 8. Solid 8? Solid 8. Yeah, I'm probably also going to give myself an 8. I mean, they got a laundry list of weaknesses. Yeah. If I knew I was going to be dealing with a vampire, if I had prep time, I don't think a vampire is really going to do it. I would just go inside and lock the door. Yeah. And put in my earphones and turn up a podcast like obsessed with the Palmer's. You'd be like, can I come in? I'd be like, no, loser. No, nerd. No, nerd. I'm too nice, though. So I would be like, hey, vampire, can I get you anything? It's a blackout. You two use your phone. I'll be like, no, vampire. I'm making coffee. Would you like a coffee? And you can just chop the heads off. That's pretty universal weight. Yeah, I bet you like that would probably kill most things. Or stab them in the heart. I mean, either way, pretty easy. I feel like I could do that. So easy a caveman could do it and did do it. A caveman did it? Yeah. Which caveman? All of them. Oh, oh my god. I didn't know vampires were such a problem. Well, they like, ebb and flow throughout history. So how creepy is a vampire? Strogoy are creepy AF. Right. But vampires in general? Yeah. So would you say not spooky, spooky, two spooky for me or three spooky five minutes? I give them a spooky. Give them a spooky? A solid spoof. I think that's fair. It's fair to give them a spoof. Because if you average them between the Strogoy and then like the cutesy little Halloween vampires, would there slick back hair and their capes? And they're so cute. They're big eyes, little babies. Yeah, I'm going to give them a spooky too. They certainly can be scary. Oh, yeah. There are definitely versions of vampires that are very scary. Absolutely. But like even just your common run of the mill, dirty bloated man. And that's kind of just gross. Could certainly be real scary. Yeah. Bodies in general are just kind of scary in grace. Scary in grace. How likely is a vampire to exist? One through 10. Well, we know that there are people who identify as vampires. Like that's really a thing. OK, well, we didn't cover psych vampires in this. No, we didn't. We can't count for them outside of the vampire community. And we're talking about either a corpse that has risen. Riven? A corpse that has risen or a corpse that was filled with evil spirits and has thens risen. I, maybe like a two. Give it a two. Yeah, I'm going to say probably one. I mean, vampires. Well, I don't know. I mean, you've seen the pictures of Kiana Reeves, how old he might actually be. Kiana Reeves. He could be a vampire. Kiana Reeves might actually be a vampire. I mean, he's charismatic. Kiana, we love you. You can come in. If Kiana Reeves wanted to come in my house, I would probably still tell him, no. Yeah, I'd be like, you're a happy clean. Put the dogs up. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Kiana. It's not good enough for you. Not good enough for you. Sit on my porch and I'll bring you coffee. Yeah. How likely are vampires to be aliens? I'm not sure we're going to say how likely is Kiana Reeves to be an alien. We'll do an episode of Kiana Reeves. Kiana Reeves is a scripted. Are aliens vampires? Are vampires aliens? I didn't ask the other question. I'm thinking about space vampires. Now I'm a little spooked out. A little space, space vampires, vampires, and space. Got me a little creeped out now. Yeah, that's a little spooky, isn't it? That is three spooky five me. Yeah, space vampires would be a different thing. Space anything, it's just a little creepy. Alien vampires. Alien vampires, I mean, there's probably some kind of extraterrestrial out there, but as far as them being vampires, like the literary sense of what is... Let me rephrase the how likely are there to be aliens. How likely is it that our mythologies around vampires were formed because of alien activity that we mistook as supernatural? I don't think so, I'd give it probably too. You'd give it a two? I'd give it a one. There's no freaking way. I just feel like a one is... Oh no, I'm too nice, I can't, I can't do it. No, there's no way. You can't... There's no argument for aliens having created vampires in some way. I like to believe that somewhere there's an alien listening, they're like, I'll show you. Right, and you're just like, all right, I'm going to give you the creepiest vampire you've ever seen. Creepiest space vampire. Yeah, I'm still thinking about space vampires and they're still messing with me. All I think about Clay is like the cutesy little Halloween vampire where he's like, blah! But he's got like the little fish bowl on his head and he's in space. I'm thinking of like a gray man with long fangs and a distending jaw. Oh, that's terrible. Like an angler fish, and so... Yeah, kind of like a space angler fish that drinks your blood. And it's like, that's what they do when they abduct you that don't put stuff up your butt. They eat you, like human cattle. Hmm, yeah, I don't like that. No, that's kind of creepy. Don't like that either. I like mine better. I like your sweater too. I could kill yours. Mine sweet. He's a sweet, filthy vampire baby. Because it has all the powers of a vampire and a ray gun. Can I can't deal with that? He's like, that was my one thing I had over vampires. I don't use guns. The more modern ones probably do. Name one. Keanu Reeves. Shit. He's actually good with guns. Right? He's good at everything. Well, now you've heard of vampires. I've never heard of vampires before. Before this? I didn't think so. I don't think anyone has. No, so we like to take the more unknown, the more niche creatures like vampires. Right. And we're getting into him. But I know somebody out there has been waiting for me to talk about vampires. Yes, and we're gonna talk more about vampires. Vampires aren't ever. Forever. I mean, we gotta talk about Elizabeth's battery. Yeah. She's cool. If nothing else, we gotta talk about her. But I'll talk about the other two. Elizabeth's battery was a bad bitch and not in a good way. Yeah. A known serial killer. Yes, like a legit, real historical person. And she... If you don't recognize the name, you probably recognize one of her more notable deeds in the whole bathing in the blood of her maids. Yeah, to say young looking. Right. And Vlad, the impaler, who would have people impaled in front of him for his prejure, and he would dip his bread in their blood and then eat it. Allegedly. No, he did that. God, he liked definitely just. Allegedly, allegedly. I like to believe that Vlad the impaler was actually a super nice guy and he was actually just trying to protect his people. So he built this mirage of a person over himself to convince people to not mess with him. Or his people. Or his people, right? Don't mess with me. Look how crazy I am. But inside, he's like, I really hate that I had to do all those things. Yeah. And he's like, well, he donates me and I'll show up in the instant. Because they have those. They have those back then. Go get your mammogram, folks. Yeah, go get your mammograms. All right, we love you.