Cinephobe Ep 311: The Order - Part 1

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Going on a thrilling journey with four friends and me, Gus, their very patient Dungeon Master, as we stumble through disastrous dice rolls, questionable role-play decisions, and even a few wholesome feel-good moments along the way. You can binge our first two campaigns or join us every other week for our latest third campaign. No matter who you decide to start listening, you're guaranteed to have a side-splitting journey that's fun for all ages and perfect for both D&D veterans and newcomers alike. Just search for Tales from the Stinky Dragon wherever you listen to podcasts and subscribe today. Have you ever wondered why we call french fries french fries? Or why something is the greatest thing since sliced bread? There are answers to those questions. Everything Everywhere Daily is a podcast for curious people who want to learn more about the world around them. Every day you'll learn something new about things you never knew you didn't know. Subjects include history, science, geography, mathematics, and culture. If you're a curious person and want to learn more about the world you live in, just subscribe to Everything Everywhere Daily wherever you cast your pod. This podcast contains mature content, explicit language, suggestive situations, and partial to full frontal nudity. Listener discretion is advised. Don't let your kids listen to this. Here's what I think is happening. I think Amin found that movie that he wants to do. And now he's trying to get to that. All he cares about is that he wants to watch that movie. I think where we are currently could get us to that. I had this conversation with Maze before I suggested that movie. Isn't that right, Maze? We had that conversation prior to me posting that. Well, we talked about it a little bit last week. Yeah, exactly. So this isn't me. I don't like it. What don't you like? We're on a journey. We're on a Pluto TV journey. We're in the ocean on a raft with a rum ham. It's me. It's Mack. It's Danny DeVito. It's you. This is where we are. Am I the rum ham? No, you know. Oh, that means the one that likes rum. But he hates ham. And you're the one that likes ham. I do like ham. Ham. Wow. Calling for it. Ham. It's a cosmic mix of the action of the 90s combined with the exploitation films of the 70s. But with modern touches, it's hyperviolence, but it knows that it is. It's a little bit Tarantino. It's definitely a little bit Michael Mad. It's kind of a cosmic gumbo. It almost goes to the beat of jazz. White people are genetically inferior. Or they're culturally crippled. Or they're socially deprived. How come God couldn't make everyone one color? Like tan. I wish I'd fucked a black broad before I got married. I could really feel 400 years of oppression and anger in every pelvic crust. I can smell horny across an ocean. Not all women. Good for you, man. Good for you. Good for you. Just the hot ones. Hello. Oprah. You're not allowed to go down on me for one month. No, Judy. Please. Don't make me take away your masturbation privileges. I'm horny too, baby. Hey, Charmin. Come on down here. What do you want? Exercise by Dominus. Scaring. Get out of here. Get out of here. Look out for number one. Set your sights on the stars and the sun. Look out for number one. You gotta push the little heart. Push the little heart. Yeah. Don't mind me. Just keep doing what you're doing. We're a team. We work together. I don't know if you were paying attention. I wasn't. Please, god damn it. Just one more drink. I'll call your tits with a knife, you bitch. Bye, whiskeys. That's breakfast on the river. Yo, you have to clip it, Maze. Clip what? A fucking tiger? What are you talking about? It's not that hard. Just chop, chop. Boom, out. Wow. Maze has a really hard job. This is going to be the worst episode we've ever done. My people don't give a ding-dong diddly about what flag flies over why. You bore me, fuel. Where is the microfilm? Please, nothing but a bag of meat and flesh and tansan. Why didn't they just name him Spaghetti Lasagna? Fuck, this movie's two hours long. It's the whole thing. This is like the John Gruden emails of movies. Do you like ducks? Or a trench coat full of bees flying around like that would scare me. Bats and bees are cool. That's a duck, man. No, I get it. Coolio. You're the devil's baby, mama. I didn't lie, Annie. I just didn't tell you certain things. Don't play no reindeer games with me. An American ninja? What are you talking about? There is no such thing. You've gotten rich off of the people in this town. You bet your ass I have. And I'm going to get richer. Couglin's lore. Going through incredibly descriptive details of the story so we all know. Oh man, I wish I had better notes. Have you ever heard of such a pale of shape? Once I get a DVD player, I'm going to watch Gallowockers once a day. Come here and give me a squudge. You know what to do from here, internet. All right, cool. Let me Google how to open QuickTime. Justice is blind. It's got space dementia. But it can be hurt. Time to find out exactly what this oooos can do. Pull the fucking rabbit out of your dick and phobe. I'm Temecula's newest hard-on dog. Hey, looky here. Why don't we eat us a few thousand beers so you can tell me what's buzzing the big bad sick? Come on, I hear you! I do gotta look out for number one. Set your sights on the stars and the sun. Look out for number one. You gotta push a little hard. Push a little hard. Yeah! Enough! It's not funny anymore. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. You're cool. And fuck you, I'm out. Welcome to Cinephobe! The podcast, we break down the moves here. Afraid to mention Love. I'm Zach Harper. That's me, Neil Hassan. That's Anthony Mays. And this is where we say, block ice. And I don't care where you listen. Spotify is where you can vote in the poll, like the poll for the odd couple two. A dead heat, 50.9% phobe, 49.1% file. Whoa. Very close. Interesting. I am the only person who voted for this. Some reason you idiots were like, no, it's not a good, we had so much fun doing this. It was so fun. Walter Matthow's hangdog face is fucking incredible. Oh, you're back to say that now. I just said hangdog. What are you talking about? Nope. I enjoyed that part of the last episode. The supercut? The supercut? Yeah. Fuck it. Supercut it again, Mays. He's described as having a hangdog face. Yes. Yes. That's excellent. You see that? I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. That's excellent. You see his face? You got a hangdog. Nope. What? What's happening? He's got a hangdog face and I'm here. Matthow's a thousand years old. A thousand years old. And he's got a hangdog face. What do you expect out of him? Oscar has taken his hangdog face to Sarasota, Florida, where he watches baseball and he talks about Roberto Clemente. Fucking hangdog face fills up the screen. He's incredible. You know, everyone's like, you swipe. Oh, the weather of today. And here's a featured photo of his fucking matthow yesterday. I couldn't stop looking at the photo. The credit was in with the backwards hat. Oh my God. And Jason Jones spotifies where you can leave a comment like DDT who said, get to 90. Are we talking about the movie or the two grumpy old men? That's a great, great question. That's a good note. Skull bucket said, Walter Matthow reminds me of my grandpa. He was also a mildly decrepit kosher gentleman with a dry wit and a big schnaz. He's dead so I can make fun of him. Oh, Bop. Beep. RIP grandpa file movie. Mazel tov or some shit. I don't know. Oh, no. No. Amin's first Hitler impression of the episode. Oh, keep a counter. Intro and David Sarkoni said, when Amin started talking about the R Kelly interview and Maisie L's don't send that to me on any platform. I spit my drink out laughing. Leave us a review. Leave a comment. Make sure you're checking out CT five episodes on the main feed. You leave us your CT five suggestions and lists on social media or in the discord by subscribing to patreon.com slash count the dings access to ad free episodes, extended cold opens rewatching live events past, present, future watching 10 events of bar rescue episodes. For here's the science of our rescue podcast with myself. I mean, I'll have some Chelsea Reynolds, Colin Cassard access and discounted live show tickets and all of our extra content across the CTD network. Oh, and you get episodes early. How about that? Cause submission, submit it reminder needs to be 40% or lower on the rotten tomatoes, audience or critic score. All right. We started this new century with crossover for episode 300. Then Pluto TV saw us fatally dance around Gabby Union and somehow convinced her to want to be with us, even though we're addicted to schemes, stupid hats and failing at everything we do while we suppress every urge to send her. You gotta say it like this, send her right to the moon. Like we did in the old days. However, Chuck Norris died and Pluto TV has a plethora of Chuck Norris movies. Little TV watched us obsess over our hot teacher slash owner of the frying dragon. Don't gong that as we daydream constantly because of our multiple personalities disorder. Hope me that one day Chuck Norris would jump off that black belt magazine and be our dad because Leangelo bridges definitely won't all before was revealed. We are stuck in a wheelchair and none of this happened. And then Pluto said, Hey man, Chuck Norris movie threw us for a curveball. Why don't you just watch Charlie Sheen in Navy Seals? Pluto TV watched us help our captain friend avoid getting married by taking several trips to Beirut just to make sure we lost a few friends along the way, didn't recover stinger missiles and spill beer all over our chin before we even touched morphine because our ass was so on and in the way and then said, Hey man, Frank Dukes knows a thing or two about a long journey. So why don't you watch the order? That brings us to 2001 action adventure comedy, the order, the comedy part was certainly a choice. Action. Yeah. I had a whole lot of that. I put adventure. There's some adventure anytime you're getting artifacts, particularly in the Middle East. Yeah. Anytime you're ripping off Indiana Jones, it's an adventure. Don't give away. Well, we're about to get to it in the review. So it's yeah. The order stars Jean-Claude Van Damme, Sophia Milose and Charlton Heston. JCVD is now an 11 time repeat offender, universal soldier, nowhere to run, double impact, time cop, blood sport, the quest, last action hero, sudden death, Lionheart and double team. I wish I knew how to quit you. Lion. He had universal soldier, the return and inferno in 1999. This movie and replicant in 2001 and derailed in 2002. 11 times. Where does that put them in the pantheon? I was John Travolta. Wow. But Zach is 10 for 10 filing JCVD. Amin is nine for 10. I am eight for 10. There you go. The guy makes bangers. What happens with Liam Neeson movies? I am two for 13. Wow. Wow. Tough day. That was impossible. Stop shooting. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's going too far. The mellow maze over here. Just whoa. No, I'm James Hardin maze. Okay. My percentage on Liam Neeson movies is constant dates. It does sound like he'd have a movie called elimination game. That could be anybody, dude. JCVD stars as, it started as JCVD and then very quickly turned it to is for Ely Jones. Oh boy. What? It's like Indiana Jones, but it's for Ely. Didn't you say wait on the Indiana Jones? That's why. They need, that's mine. You wanted to wait like two minutes. That's mine. Sophia was an Elyssa in the Sopranos. Yeah. She had 60 episodes of CSI Miami. She was in the ladies man and something called double bang. Zach, I'm on it. No, what do you? No, don't go in. I fool. Don't fist me. I fool. I fool. I fool Zach. I fool too. Okay. If I don't want to. Sophia stars as the lady cop. I just had her as hot cop. Yeah. I had her as lady cop. Oh, all one word. Heston, repeat offender for Armageddon in plan of the apes. I wish I knew how to quit you. Heston stars as plan of the apes. He's an Armageddon. It says he's the narrator in the credits. I don't remember that at all. I don't either. Brian Thompson, repeat offender with Lionheart, Cobra, and Mortal Kombat Annihilation as previous offenses. I wish I knew how to quit you. You guys are going to hate me for this. He stars as Dylan Brooks. I actually love that. He's MJ C to me. Oh boy. You know what that means. Michael Jackson. Cock. No, not that. All I'll say is Michael B. Watch your back. Whoa. Now. Now. No way. Get the fuck out of here. Disrespectful. Beer drinking contest. Now between the two of them. I would actually love to see that. Can we arrange that somehow? I'd love to see Brian Thompson try to cheers or like what he do. Jesus Christ. His arms around. Also, they gave him my hair in this movie for whatever reason. They sure did. Same note too. Holy shit. Maze on scene. Oh, that's what they're. And there's the first day. Ben Cross, repeat offender for Hurricane Heist. I wish I knew how to quit you. He stars as Major Paine Steen. All right. Buckle up. No, I'm buckled. Vernon Dubb Jeff from, oh boy, Fiddler on the roof and the spy who loved me. And Indiana Jones and the last crusade. I called him pop, but man, Fiddler on the roof is way better. It was in Fiddler on the roof. I'm not calling him Fiddler on the roof. Sasan Gabay from Rambo three. He stars as original Yuri because at one point I get very confused. Let's keep this one quiet. I did too. At first I thought that's okay. Yuri. Okay. Doesn't make any sense. Okay. Alon, a bootful repeat offender from London has fallen. I wish I knew how to quit you. Also in Rambo three. He's Ari from Snowfall, the Jewish guy that is rarely gentlemen that hooks Franklin St. up with all the weapons. I'm going to withhold until you what I call him. Jesus. All right. Peter Malota, repeat offender for the quest, double impact and nowhere to run. That's the type of tact that I mean will not be displaying the rest of the episode. We got to take it where we can get it. I will also withhold what I call him until later in the show. So he started out as spurs in double impact. Okay. He's the guy with the spurs on his boots. And then in the quest, he's the Spanish fighter. Yes. And he's clearly JCVD's homie. Yeah. Oh, there's a lot of JCVD homies in this including Abdel Kisi. Abdel Kisi. Repeat offender for Lionheart in the quest. I wish I knew how to quit you. He is credited as big Arab and I said, you know what can't out do that big Arab. I was like, yeah, I'm in big daddy Arab. Oh, David Leach, repeat offender for Dukes of hazard. I wish I knew how to quit you. I didn't know who he was. He's the cop in New York that talks shit. Oh, JCVD is a little overly familiar. Yeah. I don't remember that at all. It's one scene. It's very brief. All right. Yeah. Almost as quick as the World Trade Center. If you blink, you miss it. He's uncredited as the co-director of John Wick. He directed atomic blonde Deadpool to Hobbs and Shaw bullet train the fall guy. And he was a stunt double for Brad Pitt five times and JCVD two times. The whole episode. I know. Trust me. I'm getting my names redacted for this episode. I think the only other one I have is Kathy Brayton who plays a hostess was JCVD's personal assistant since 1999. Wow. And in a 2014 Facebook post, he called her a quote beautiful lifetime friend. The order was directed by Sheldon Lettich Sheldon repeat offender for double impact, Lionheart and for writing blood sport. I wish I knew how to quit you homies to writing credits on this one. Les Weldon wrote one episode of dangerous curves, replicant and a movie called cool dog. Qualify. I'm going to guess. Yes. And then JCVD writing credits for Lionheart double impact in the quest. No, Frank Dukes didn't see him anywhere in the credits. They've had their falling out after the quest. I was misled by what one of you, one of you, Boba Dukes last week said me. Frank Dukes wrote it. And I was like, boom, I'm in. And guess who wrote it? Not Frank Dukes, but he's got a credit. Synopsis for the order. CT5 synopsis. This is hard to beat. This is why you suggested we do CT5 synopsis. Yes. A playboy criminal contacts his dad after stealing a Faberge egg. Later, it seems his dad has gone missing in Israel. So he heads there. His disappearance is linked to the religious sect, the order, lots of fight and chase scenes. The last sentence is gold. Why is that there? Biller. Also playboy criminal. I love get to 40 words. I mean, how long is that? Yeah, get to 40. Better descriptor. 41 playboy criminal or petty thief. It's still petty thief. Christy. But they didn't let us know there's lots of fights and chase scenes in the synopsis. Giving credit to that synopsis to the writer of the film as well. I'd like to go ahead and update my worst writers. Wow. And this is a major oversight by me, but Paul Sloan, you had a good run. You're gone. JCVD. Whoa. What do you number five? Whoa. Lionheart double impact the quest. Name of that one. Did you say you filed nine out of his 11 movies? No, actually, I didn't say that. You dumb fuck. Oh, well, now that's crumbling down. He's so amused by his own stupid ass joke. Is that just saying it's crumbling down? That's not what I'm talking about. Come on, man. I'm not by myself. Don't come on, man. Me tagline. Jean-Claude Van Damme is back. Wow. Alternate tagline. They should have just used the last sentence from the synopsis. Lots of fighting. Oh, geez. Alternate tagline. Unleash the power. That's terrible. What power? I don't know. $12 million estimated budget grossed according to IMDB. $524,000. Oh, damn. Really confusing stuff here. It was not released in the U.S. Okay. More on that in the trivia. Before we jump into this movie list and rest of this podcast, the order is obviously available on Pluto TV. The order receives 13% on eight critic reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, 28% from the audience on over 5,000 ratings. Amin, check the positive or the negative reviews. I'm a half roundhouse kick kind of guy, Zach. Give me the positives. Hey, John, that's weird. That glass looks half full to me. Wow. Now that you mention it, it is half full. Eddie Harrison of FilmAuthority.com. A ludicrous romp. Luda. Luda. Blank user five out of five. Great movie, very underrated. It's funny and has great action. It's a classic that may have gone unnoticed by many Van Damme fans. Van Dammes? Probably because it wasn't released in the U.S. Blank user three and a half out of five. If you're a Van Damme fan, you will enjoy this movie. Funny and action packed. Van Dammes. Going to the comedy was certainly a choice. Blank user three and a half out of five stars. Dumb, mindless, but fun, fast paced action, adventure, comedy from Van Damme. I enjoyed every minute of it. Some people can just pull off cheesy bad action and Van Dammes is one of them. Blank user three and a half out of five stars. This was not the greatest script on the planet. It was worth watching for Ben Cross alone. When he plays a badass, he plays them right and can make even the oddest, not so great movie shine. I cannot say the same for Van Damme. Yes, the fight scenes were well choreographed, but his acting left a lot to be desired. You a lot of Ben Cross movies? You watch a lot of Ben Cross movies, my guy? And then user Don S three out of five. Don Simpson. Much like a Chuck Norris movie, when you watch a Van Damme movie, you pretty much know what you're getting. A healthy dose of martial arts action, little plot and mediocre acting. This does not break that mold. Van Dammes acting is worse here than in some of his others. He hams it up big time. The martial arts choreography is decent enough, but the storyline is highly unbelievable. Sophia Milos softens the blows of some of the rough edges. Knowing what you're getting in advance makes it go down easy. Well, negative reviews. Stop being a pessimist. This thing is not half full. It's half empty. Grant Watson of fiction machine. Elementary might do Watson. It is all terrible, but then it is also oddly wonderful. The order is begging the viewer to have a good time. And honestly, the only thing preventing that are personal standards. Yeah, you liked it. That means it feels like it personal standards. You mean something that everybody has? I don't like when they do that. When they're like clearly like the movie in the middle, but then they it's not supposed to mean Zach. He does have his own standards. They're just very low. Kaka O'Leary of full view driving.com low opera zero out of five. Wow. That's it. No comment. No comment. Yeah. He hated it. Scott Weinberg of efilmcritic.com. Obviously do this before I watch the movie. Hit the impression. Nope. That's too. Had I known I would not have included his comment. Yes, it's true. Jean-Claude Van Damme is now a screenwriter and a screenwriter. Yeah. Fucking dork. Not a good review. David Nussaire of real film reviews. Van Damme even goes so far as to co-write the script, though I suspect his contribution was limited to the many lame one liners peppered throughout the film. No, no, no, no. He did far more than that, although those were him for sure. And then there were a lot of these, but I just picked the one blank users three out of five. Van Damme stars as Indiana Jones in the last crusade. You might be thinking that's a recipe for disaster. You'd be right. Lot of comparisons. Blank user one out of five laughable and stupid without good action to justify it. The order is one of Jean-Claude Van Damme's worst films to have been filmed on a good location. So he's got worse films that weren't filmed on a good location. Yeah. But for on a good location, this is the worst. This is the worst. Got it. And then blank user one out of five. You'll be lost within the first three minutes in yet another unwatchable JCVD film that I assumed was an attempt at an Indiana Jones parody. It even comes with its own gag reel at the end. A cameo appearance from Charlton Heston instigates an Oscar worthy moment between these two senile stars. That's something to behold. Who's the other Oscar worthy? And he's calling JCVD senile as well. I don't know. It's very confusing. That lump on his head seems to have gotten a lot. That's been there though. That's been there. I know, but it's gotten bigger. It's gotten bigger in this movie. It depends on the angle. Nope. Or how excited he is. Oh, we'll get a means for a snow base for a snow in my first note. After these messages, unless you're a patron member, patron.com slash count the things you're going to add free episode right now. This episode is brought to you by Expedia and visit Scotland. Start your story in Scotland. Experience the pool of wide untamed landscapes and fresh cuisine that feels rooted in place. Discover castles steeped in legend and feel the genuine warmth from locals you meet in a place that will stay with you long after you leave. Start planning your own Scottish holiday today at Expedia.co.uk slash visit Scotland. Amin, what is your first note? Maze has already alerted me to the first five minutes of this movie, so I am ready. Spoiler alert, I wasn't ready. Nobody is. I love John Claude Van Damme's fascination with history. And I love his interpretation of how history was. I didn't read the synopsis thoroughly. So when this movie started, I thought it was going to be all a period piece. And I thought the guy who founded the order was Van Damme. Well, he was. I thought we were going to follow a whole movie of him. It was a long time ago. My first note, oh fuck, is he just watching a village get pillaged? Man, when you were telling the story last night, you had so much detail. The detail was so rich. It was rich detail. Going through incredibly descriptive details of the story so we all know. Oh, yes. Now it's time for the scenes. Here's what happened. Helicopter shot soaring across Golden Hills soaring string music. Angelic chorus 1099 AD. 1099. That's also the form I fill out to do my taxes. Very topical for me. Like, oh, that's right. I did have to do my taxes. Oh shit. I gotta do this. That's exactly what I thought. When I was 1099, the rare double play of voiceover exposition and title card exposition. It was an age of religious crusades and holy wars. After a grueling four year campaign, the Knights of Christendom finally arrived at the gates of Jerusalem. It's Hayden. Hayden Christendom. During the furious battle for the Holy City, a Flemish knight, Charles Lavaliant, had a life changing epiphany. Oh, he had a clear throat. You call him Charles Lavaliant. Lavaliant. I call him Chuckie Brave. He had a life changing epiphany. Chuckie Brave is the guy that played for like 12 teams at the NBA, right? We're seeing this fight scene and I swear to God of like, holy shit, this is the fight scene from the end of timeline. Oh, shit. The slide tackle fight scene. My God. Chuckie opens the gates from the inside, Knights waiting there on horseback to ride in. And then Chuckie Brave watches a lot of murdering and pillaging. He's cuckoo leering. Close captioning said the horse's clip club. This woman screams no. And we get a quick shot of a cage. And I said, was that woman in a cage? Turns out, look at this photograph. She's not a cage. That's a chicken. It flies so fast. And a cage. I'm like, what the fuck is happening here? They're slapping bitches and whiffing ass. Left and right. It was amazing. It felt like the crusades. Lavaliant was struck by the hypocrisy of killing fellow human beings in the name of religion, especially since these people professed belief in the same God. The fuzzar, Lavaliant's written account of his experiences in the Holy Land, tells us he wandered the streets of conquered Jerusalem for days after that bloody battle. For days? Days. Oh, you didn't thought of the smell. A few hours. Sure. He going to sleep waking up, wandering some more. Days. Bathroom, getting something to eat, wandering some more. Until he found the entrance of a cave that ran beneath the length of the Holy City. Inside that cave, he began to record his epiphany, which became the basis for a new religious sect, an order that would combine the fundamental tenets of the three major religions of his day. Chuckie Brave invented a super religion? The first converts to Chuckie Brave's super religion are fellow disenchanted Christian knights. Okay. Yep. In Christensen. But then the force of his convictions even won over a number of Jews and Muslims. Even some Muslims and Jews. Oh no. Because the Jews part was a lot more strained out. This is what the narrator did. Former enemies who now became willing converts to the new faith. I'm sorry. It's that easy? Back in 1099, absolutely. Chuckie Brave coming strong to the whole with his new religion and everybody's like, yeah, that sounds good. He wanted the streets for days. And then the end they all did just fine. Is that what happened? No, no, we'll get to that. We're three minutes into the goddamn movie and he's yada yada-ing already. Maze, I know you clipped it, but remember inside the cave, he began recording his epiphany, which became the basis for a new religious sect, an order that will combine the fundamental tenets of three major forms of. Payment. I meant payment. This movie is doing plenty without you determined to supercharge yourself. It's going to be that kind of episode, folks. I'll remind you that we're three minutes into the movie and he's now created the order. You warned me of this. He's got a loyal following many years after the original Fazzar. And I said Fazzar love and he's written his further revelations down, intended to be a final chapter. He puts them in a leather case and leaves them on a rock. I love this wig that he's got on. This wig is unreal. We need CD5 wigs. I know Zach is using as hats on CD5 hats. They are hats. We need a separate category just for the wigs. If he had been dressed like this, but in the suit on the bar in the quest. Oh, I think that they skimped a little bit on this one because they wouldn't give us a clean shot of him close up. Yeah, they wouldn't. The closest we got was him in profile, mostly facing away. I was so confused when they show him wandering the cave. Wait, did he have all this fucking hair when he was a night watching them get pillaged? He had the helmet on and they're off to Syria. They get intercepted by crusaders. The crusader authorities. Crusader authorities. It's just like the team for more. The Asian gang task force. Yeah. The crusader authorities. No, this is the chase squad. The chase squad. There you go. Yeah. Chuckie brave is being accused of heresy. Chuckie brave and dem boys are at a campfire on their way to Syria. This reminded me of code under destroyer because it was a massive open space, but they didn't notice that the crusaders onto them at all until hit the arts at most. These are his boys. This is his old crew that he used to run with. They come to track him down. He's just spitting. Everyone gets killed. He's in his gray wig and beard and his robes and his arms are out walking around twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom. Playing like an airplane as yes, everyone is murdered. These crusaders, rather than using their swords in a stabbing motion, the traditional way, they chose to slap people with the swords. Yeah. Slap the people left and right. He finally gets struck down as a martyr. Final chapter he'd written was lost. It's sitting on the rocks in a leather case leather police right where he left it in the open. That was 449 of open fade to black in a movie that did not get to 90. That's it. Update my CT five opening scenes. What I am flabbergasted. I am blown away at the way we crushed through the crusades because it's not even five. Minutes, but also we had about a minute of golden hills and nothing. Yeah. They're mount that they packed in to this prologue. Something you should know. There's lots of fights and chasing. So yeah, misogynistic 20 CB car sale and the goods is out. Good morning. LA is down to Oli and Chucky brave. In vents a super religion during the crusades is my new number four. We go to Odessa, Ukraine. What year is it present day? Is it? I hope so. There's buildings and electricity. Well, they skip that part. We got some shitty house music. JCVD is talking to a guy in lobby at the table. Zach, you read that please. Do you have the alum good? Do you have the alum good? You got points at a map and no guards, right? You'll be like the fox in the hen house. Take as many eggs as you like. Yuri, it's rushing up. Holy shit. The exposition right away of Russia mob. Yep. No mistakes on this one, right? My friend, this is 1000%. May this time tomorrow you'll be in New York making a deal. What kind of a deal? A sale. And I'll be in Tel Aviv waiting for my commission. I audibly hoped. Audibly other. Oh, watched it on a plane too. That was not cool. I hope to. Cut to JCVD in blackface. Oh. May's clip Andrew Schultz again about when blackface is appropriate. Blackface is wrong. It's racist. You cannot do it under no circumstances. Cannot do it. Then you see them Navy SEALs commercials. You're like, all right, well, kind of sometimes you could do it. This is inappropriate blackface. No, he's not incomplete blackface. He's in black and blueface. Just because there's some blue does not fix it. The blue absolutely stands out though. It's way too much blackface. Not at first. It's a pretty dark blue and it's pretty dark outside. May's, I would like you to clip in. Lucille Blues telling Michael. I was almost attacked last night in my own home. I walk in and there's a colored man in my kitchen. Colored. What color was he exactly? Blue. And it shows Tobias going, oh, hey Lucille. She beats the shit out of him. He's assembling a grappling gun zipline machine. 20CB. No. Grappling hooks. Mission impossible's done that. No, they don't do grappling hooks. What do they do? They got different contraptions. I'm not ringing the bell for this one. Grappling hooks are a Batman thing. Keaton's Batman. Yuri's in a van with a headset. He says all clear. Full disclosure. I didn't know that the guy in blackface was JCBD at first. I thought it was someone coming to attack him. What? When I saw Yuri, I was like, oh, Yuri's in on it. Shit, them across them. You're watching a way different movie. Yeah. Zipline's over. He lands on a balcony. He sees a security alarm laser. Those are 20CB. Absolutely. Cutting out the glass out of the window. Circle in a glass. 20CB. Pink Panther. It was the first time I saw that. Does that work in real life? Does that actually work? How would any of us know? Who were you asking? That's something you would buy a late night home shopping network. If they offered that on TikTok tomorrow, I would buy it. That would Zach's Russian night vision goggles. Oh, shit. I'm halfway to a heist. Yuri turned out the laser by hitting some buttons. I'd love to know what he did there. He cuts the circle in the glass, the classic heist tool. Now he's ready to steal the crown jewels. I mean the Faberge egg. You see the egg? It's beautiful. I'm going for it. All he has to do is lift up the glass case around it. That's it. Face security. He delicately picks it up. Yuri starts blowing himself. The man with the plan. The man with the plan. I told you, I told you. And a very delayed pressure sensor goes off. I am fucking losing my mind at this face paint for JCVD. And I've like, Look at this photograph. You've got to stop taking pictures. You have to edit it down. Oh, thank God. It's all the same picture. I cut it down to two. I deleted some. I did not. Oh, I went crazy on this episode, guys. I sent mine to Maze last night and he responded, I have so many pictures from this movie. I broke a record. Guard comes in shooting wildly in a room of priceless antiques. Guns blazing. Like he's a Navy SEAL. What? Blows the head off a bust. Who knows how much that cost? Was that a gunshot? No, I frotted. Comedy. Comedy? Yuri is Teddy Rexing as he's doing break dance moves and diving around. We get these whooshing sound effects. Oh, Foley work. As his legs helicopter. Foley work is a horseman. Yeah. He flips the egg up in the air. Every time the egg flips. He back kicks a guy. The eggs falling in slow motion. A guard catches it. Then he picks up a big axe or some shit. Spins it around, flips the guy. Egg flies in slow motion again. He does a flying leap. Luke hangs his way across the room with his bicycle kick. Shit. The other guard catches it. He kicks him. Egg flies up again. But every time it flies up, they stop using the sound effects, right? Nope. Oh, this scene. I was like, Foley's got to run away with it. Yeah. It's a crowded horseman race, man. He carefully steadying a delicate crystal piece. Because it's an antique. You don't want to break it or anything? And he cares about. He cares about the art. Yeah. He has respect for the Russian mobs art. And then he catches the egg. And then he grabs the piece. He just started and he smashes it on somebody's face. Well, he doesn't have any advantage, right? At that point, he was dead to rights. It's the only way he could get out of it, right? No, the guy was drowsy anyway for getting knocked over. Oh, shit. Okay. This was physical comedy, Zach. Comedy? Yeah, that's comedy. Oh, shit. Okay. What a laugh. Comedy is a horseman. Uri outside is getting harassed by cops. Even though we're in the Ukraine, the cops are shouting in Russian. Sure are. Don't ask me why. That's Odessa though. Uri sells a mall. He drives away. He says, oh, shit, Rudy. I'm sorry. JCD runs down some stairs and starts fighting guys in leather jackets. And I said cops, guards. And I guess I'm realizing now that these are the Russian mobsters. This is the Russian mobster game. Yeah. So many roundhouse kicks on the stairway. I thought I was going to get a citrus community note here. The most. More roundhouse kicks of anyone seen on stairways in the history of movies. It might be a lot of nuts. That's not true. After Yuri's leather jacket and the opening meeting. And then now these guys in their leather jackets, leather jackets as a horseman, leather jackets, big time horsemen until we get to Israel. There's still some there, but less. He takes a rug, twirls it in the air. That's what you do, Zach. Why? It distracts him so they can't see him behind. That way they'll shoot at the rug as opposed to shooting at him. I don't know if you've seen the N1 mixtape of pizza dough. That's the thing now on tick tock. No, there's a guy from Papa John's. There's a guy from Domino's. They're playing that. Let the rain fall shine together. That one battle. They don't battle, but they will respond to each other with videos. Rolling the dough as a wheel across their show. Like it's fucking and one stuff. And there's a certain part I'm like, you could just make the pizza. I don't want to eat that. I don't want it on your dirty ass shirt. They even sweating it all day. Yeah. It's disgusting. You're going to kill somebody. You're going to kill someone. A dude. Would you eat that? They're the Tom Cruise and Coglan of pizza makers. It's not a good cocktail. They are. Yeah. Absolutely. It's a flare. It's a flare pizza maker. 30 minutes to last my ass. This pizza is taking two hours. He goes out on a balcony and jumps down into a dumpster. A golden dumpster. Cop goes to check it out. JVCVD yanks him in and steals his clothes. Homity. The way he did it or no. Because it was very abrupt. Yeah. Maybe. He somehow wiped off all that black and blue face and skulks off with his shoulders hunched. A cop shouts after him in Russian. He turns back and says toilet toilet toilet. Is that the same in Russian? No. And it's not with a French accent either. Is it a French accent? I wasn't going to steal it and then cut to New York. Zach, how do we know it's New York? Oh, we saw him. We're in New York. There's a drum fill. Some accelerated driving on the Brooklyn Bridge and a red Luca Ferrari. What in the bended spawns is happening here? Come skidding to a halt in New York City. It was loaded. Hey, pal, this is New York City. This is a taxi zone. You want to get towed away? Pizza Yankee Subways? Please read this in the chat, Zach. What do you watch eat for me? I wanted to write every line of dialogue. Yeah. Phonetically. I love it. He's gotten worse. Yeah. Boy, stop caring. For sure. From time cop to this. He stopped making hits. So I'm guessing he was just back at home in fucking Brussels. Hanging with the boys. He loves to give money away. Ladies, I don't know if you clued into this. Drives a red Ferrari. A Luca Ferrari. He's got money. And I heard from the synopsis that he's a playboy. Is he a playboy? He's a playboy, guys. Playboy. He's a playboy criminal. Forgive me for being a bit crass here. What? First time you've asked for that. Don't you got to fuck some bitches to be a playboy? You think JCVD's not fucking bitches? I don't think he's fucking bitches, man. He's hanging out with Yuri. Yuri smells. I could tell. Oop. You wear leather jackets all day. You think that guy like smells like flowers? Something like body odor. He's going inside where there's a museum tour guide. There's this bizarre big face lion outside the museum. Lion. That's outside the Sophia courthouse in Bulgaria. Oh. In case you were wondering. Is that the Met or anything? Not the public library lines in New York. Those are the famous New York Lions. Interesting. A guide says, depends on knowing where to dig and horny JCVD, tip dunks this one with, well, I can dig. In same behavior. No, it's almost like you wrote the movie. It's his dad job. You went to your dad's work. You can say anything and started harassing a customer. You've never done that. No. Clip the dad's accent. So I looked up an interview of this guy because I wanted to check. I am almost certain that he is trying to match JCVD's accent here. I called it. Notice Mays saying Rudy is a horseman. Who the maze if Rudy Goldberg pronounced his name this way. Would you like him? I already like Rudy. What? Yeah, man. He's one of the most entertaining players in the league. Period. And he's a frequent contributor to basketball. Yeah. We have a pretty good relationship with Rudy. So the guide asks someone to take over the tour moves on, which what? Yeah. Tour guides don't have backups. Yeah, you do. JCVD motions to call him 20 CB and then says dad. What's up? The main man dead. What's that? The men man gives one of the worst high fives I've ever seen. Put the zips in it. This is how you greet your dad. You always attract attention. Come on. I love people out of life. Do not embarrass me. I'm just having fun, dad. I'm just having fun, dad. Rudy. Mays, will you please next time you see Walter go up to him and say my main man. And then high five. I'm trying to high five him that way and see what happens. I'm seeing him this weekend. He's going to hate it. Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, daddy. Dad wants to talk but not here. And Peter Malota is there stalking them. So obviously in his leather jacket. Well, he's probably just a random person's museum. His spurs are clinking. Dad wonders if he's still involved with that same nonsense, but all the same exposition JCVD is legit now legit state. Oh, he's straight now. In both expert and I'm kicking ass. He shows him his nice watch, then wants to give it to his dad. Fancy watches fast cars. Easy money. What does it already prove in the grand scheme of things, Rudy? At first I thought Papa was about to drop a Rick Ross verse, but then he reprimanded JCVD. He takes a phone call that's going to let us know exactly what's happening. Right. It's not vague at all. We know it happens at 10 p.m. Oh, okay. Trust me. It's in pristine condition. It was bad luck. You tell us, Pap. He has a business dinner later and pop hopes it's legal. A thousand percent. A thousand percent is a horseman. Dad's going on an interview with someone he's been trying to meet for a long time. He's fumbling around on his desk for printed plane tickets. 20 CV. Not only are they printed, but he can't find them. Can't find them because he's printed them out so long ago. You can't go. You have to find those tickets. You have to. What are you gonna do? You're not more? No. JCVD staring at a scroll. Don't touch that. Sorry. What is it? The lost chapter of the first hour. Cobra formula. JCVD doesn't take the bait. He says, oh, but that doesn't stop dad from answering the next question that hasn't even been asked yet. He even exposition to answer your inevitable next question. Dolby fucking dumpster. Not the only time that'll happen. Holy scripture for an obscure Middle Eastern sect. And yes, it is quite valuable, but only to practicing members of the order. JCVD mocks pops exciting life. Pop needs to discuss important issues come by his apartment tonight. And I thought this has to be a live forever. JCVD trying to play someone with personality is a choice. Hey, I'm happy. Go lucky. I'm a fun guy. I'm a fan guy. I make jokes. You're trying to write the character that way. And it reminded me of Segal trying to one up Kenan ivory Wayans in Glimmerman. Except there's no Kenan ivory Wayans in this movie. Right. It's just JCVD trying to be the funny guy. He can't go to the apartment tonight. He's got important business. In fact, he's got to go now. Pop says, call me tonight, please. Of course. Absolutely. You got it, dad. It has to be tonight. No chance. He's calling him. No. Times Square B roll. Cut to him showing up to club Fantasia. Luca Ferrari pulls up to strip club. Maze. Clip this song. Clip this song. Say fucking no to. I need to try that. You spend your money. Want me in the bucket just to get it right. Chug it. Take a break about it. Make some history to me. Are you done? Yeah. I see you going down. Be careful. Tell the baby. Drive me. It's time. Darling. This isn't real. They don't have a soundtrack listed anywhere. Talking about walking and bopping. Is this the Lewis Pinoc? Because the song is in English. I think it's Ozzy. I think pop is the Lewis Pinoc. JCVD is dancing like a bingo. Giving so much cash away. There's a Roman Centurion guy in armor standing outside Fantasia. Classy. Well, it's called Fantasia. Yeah. It's a classy stupo guy. He gives him a thumbs up. He's dancing by himself. Hostess lets us know that his full name is Rudy Kafemeier. CD5 Worse Names. Hoodie. Either it's a classy establishment or I was right and this isn't present day. We're still back in the Crusades. Oh, I really thought about CD5 Jobs Centurion guy standing outside of a strip club. But CD5 Worse Jobs. I know. He's taken to the back room where an old man says, let's see what Santa brought for me. What can I say? What kind? It's some eggs position. Peter Carl Fabergé, a gift for Tsar Nikolai. Hey, that's a Fabergé egg. A stripper starts dancing in front of him in the middle of the business deal. And so he pokes his head around the side of her cheeks. Her cheeks are textured to say the least. And says, it's one of a kind. That's why it's so expensive. Yeah, yeah, you cannot find this on the net. Oh, POCB. The net, the net. Oh, wait, does it qualify? No. My heart is on the verge of exploding at this point as he is saying this with his face pressed up next to an ass. Yeah. Here's the deal, Rudy. What kind of a deal? He agrees, but he thinks he stole it from a Russian mafia boss and JCB is confused. Then we have a strange wipe to a table full of Russians raising their glasses, Nostrovia, and then right back to the deal. Now it's not a big deal if the Russian mafia found out about this, right? No, they kill him. Well, how are they? In fact, this Russian mafia boss, he's got some friends, very nasty guys. If they find out about this, you'd end up with your balls stuffed and sewn inside your mouth. Now are the balls stuffed and then or he's saying the balls will be stuffed in your mouth and then we're going to sew it shut. Mm hmm. So they're not going to stuff it with extra stuff. Sowing it feels like an extra level of care that most mobsters would not commit to. They cut the balls off. What do you think they staple it? They're not sitting there with fucking needle and thread. I'm guessing it's not a great no scar stitch situation. The balls are in his mouth. Stituation. They can walk away at that point. We got it. You think the guy, the henchman who does that, he gets in trouble. He cut off his balls. Yeah. Yeah. You stuffed them in his mouth. Yeah. Did you sew it? Do I think the Russian mob henchman gets in trouble if he doesn't do exactly what they tell him to do? Yes, I do. If he doesn't sew it, did you sew it? I mean, stay pulled. I don't think you have to really crisscross this thing. Couple in there till it's closed. They're like, you're going to do. Nah, man. Look, you can't pop out. If they carrying him and it pops out, that's your ass. He's got his own balls in his mouth. They're not going to pop out if you put four or five stitches in there. If they're fucking haphazard stitches. If you didn't take the time, the craftsmanship to make sure that this thing holds. How big the balls are are going to tell you how many stitches you need. It's JCVD, Zach. You know how big the balls are. They're ginormous. Here's my balls. Clip it. A great story like Monsters Inc. stays with you forever. And Disney Plus is where you'll find your next great story. From the return of the award-winning hit series, Rivals. Welcome to the naughtiest show on television. To the unmissable crime drama, High Potential. Got a dead body. Got a girl. A lifetime of great stories awaits. This spring on Disney Plus, 18 Plus, subscription required. T's and C's apply. JCVD is so impressed with his own TGT that he wrote that he says, whoa. So the deal. No, Rudy. I'm giving you an easy out. I'll take this hot potato off your hand and I'll assume the risk. You risk his my business. Okay. And he takes a phone call from his dad. Who's on a pay phone? Wearing a floppy Robin Hood hat. He sure is. He's mad that Rudy didn't call. Quite pissed. Who did it? Where are you? You promised to call me tonight. I'm in a business meeting. Really? Are you buying a distro? That please. I can hear that. Snoopy dog music. Golden Downstairs. 20 C B Joe. But I love the way he said it. I love it. Ozzy, you love the way he says everything. That's not a hoodie. We know who wrote that line, right? It wasn't the other guy. It wasn't less well done. It was JCVD gets credit for every crazy line. We got a breakdown to script writing. The buyer grabs the egg box and tries to run away with it. JCVD has to drop his phone to fight a bunch of henchmen in leather jackets. He kicks a guy out the window. He steps on the phone accidentally and then he cuts the business guys off below. More fighting in the club. There's a rock wall. Of course there is. In Fantasia. I thought it was a pile of money. No, Rockwell. Then I realized, no, this is landscaping. Then he jumps, grabs the pole, the stripper pole, swings around and kicks the shit out of this dude. We never see that. This dude goes flying. And we hear the disembodied voice of a lady say, oh my God. And I said, yeah, golden dumpster. The buyer gets pushed, trips and falls on the egg, shattering it. Why do we need a flashback of him stealing the egg? At no point was I confused which egg that was. Yeah. What egg is that? Hey, you have to take back from earlier from the beginning of the movie. Then a woman misses him. My eyes. Is she part of the crew? Nope. She's just a clubgoer. Okay. When the buyer crush the egg, he goes, oh shit. And then the big guy, the goon, the goon comes over. Bouncer with his ass on. There's no problem. Of course with his ass on. And then it's the old punch the camera trick fade to black. Cut to him in jail. Yeah. I thought he'd be in the layer of a Russian mobster. Nope. Here comes David Leach and suspenders. That's where David Leach was. Knows his name. Hey, Rudy knows about his car. Knows about Luca Ferrari. I had a bad night. Why do I have to look at your face in the morning? What? Vantor. That's about his dad. Then gives him exposition about a missing valuable manuscript. Uh-huh. Just a cop sharing case details with the person in a jail cell. Maybe a case of like father, like son. You're full of shit. JCVD asked why his dad would break the glass case if he had a key. Nobody's making accusations here. Just want to ask some questions. JCVD has no idea where he is and he gets home. Yep. Okay. When? How? I don't know. Doesn't matter. What do you post to bail? You guys don't know about the legal system? Who posted bail? His dad left the country. He could post his own bail. Calls a bail bondsman. But that's not the type of thing that JCVD likes to focus on. You know, this is a lean, mean movie. We got through the crusades in two minutes. He likes to focus on taking a shirt off. Some swords above the smallest fire place I've ever seen in my life. Definitely a New York apartment. Definitely. He plays his answering machine and whoops. Pop starts complaining about calling his mobile phone 20CB. Staying with an old friend. Walt Finley. Ben Gurion University. Hello, exposition. Oh, so much. So pure. Starts to give a number and then the phone rings again. It's pop again. Pop. He's in Israel. Pay attention. Please. I beg you. Israel. Same note too, bro. Bells are tolling. Zach, I need you to read this. Listen, away is just at the police station. Do you know what they are saying about you? About you. About you? About you. About you? Might have gotten himself in big trouble. A guy's yelling to hang up the phone. He's afraid. Now JCVD's yelling at someone to book him a flight to Tel Aviv. Book me a breakfast. Fiat. Fiat. Flyer. Flyer. Fiat. Israel. And so that'll take a while, right? Nope. Nah. Cut to Israel. Bees and customs. Lady cop. Check in his passport. Business or pleasure? Hello. Oprah. Pleasure. Pleasure. Always. Always. He asks what the delay is. Their database shows several arrests for illegally transporting artifacts. Does it also show I was never convicted? He wants to check his bag. Do you have any artifacts that you have not declared? Oh. The monalisa. Comedy. Enter. You like to joke. They say laughter opens up the song. Well, while we're at it, Lady'd open the rest of your luggage too. You're joking, right? No. You know, this is bullshit. No, Mr. Kaftemayer. This is Israel. Oh. Lady cop apologizes for the inconvenience. Security's extra tight because Muslims are making their pilgrimage, which is the Daisy Chain from Navy Seals. Muslim pilgrims on the boat. Oh. To Jerusalem for Ramadan. I'll just introduce my horse from now. And it's going to get stronger and stronger and stronger as we go. What do we think this movie's politics are? Oh, yeah. I asked that a lot. What do they believe? I think they tried to make something that they felt was going to appeal to everybody. They wanted something that they thought was inclusive. Interesting. Zach, they actually shot in Jerusalem. They didn't shoot in New York. What? But I saw Club Vantage in the rock wall. I saw the World Trade Center. Here comes Charlton in a crazy ensemble. CT5 hats. No, we are not going to pass over. We're not going to pass over. One of the best Dave Yeagers we've ever. Airport is prime Dave Yeager. No. A man wearing a Superman shirt. Oh, what am I going? This dude is fucking hooping. I would like to, oh man. Oh, you're going to put the hat in? You can't put the hat in. I can't. It's not just the hat though. No, it's the whole ensemble. Because he's got the cargo vest. He's got the weird necklace and he's got the walking stick, the cane. The cane is incredible. CT5 gains. The hat. First of all, the brim. I've never seen a brim that thick. Right. Second of all, it's textured kind of like the stripper's ass earlier. Also to dimples and shit right there. Oh, that was it. That was the, okay. Yeah, he's on. He just wanted to talk about the ass. He's handling security. She thanks to JCVD. I'm Walter Fiddly, the professor of archaeology at Ben Gurion University. Hello, exposition. Thank you. You would not give a fuck. I'm a friend of his dad's. This is Israeli police. I've known him since he was in Nica's. Looks are up and down. The lady cop, which would have put you in a diapers. Oh, I was that? Was he? Yeah. See 14? I think so. That can't be. I think so. It is Heston's or probably this is what I'm saying that his outfit is in. Say they head to the car. The lady cop suspiciously makes a phone call. He's driving like a fucking idiot like Brad Wesley. He cuts somebody off instantly. Watch where you go pops up yours. We get a lot of drives position. He's rambling. JCVD is trying to tell him to pick it up. I'm getting to that. What is this? The Spanish inquisition clip Monty Python. I am not too wrong. One of the crossbeams has gone out askew on the treddle. What on earth does that mean? I don't know. Mr. Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there's trouble at the mill. That's all. I didn't expect a kind of Spanish inquisition. Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition. A chief weapon is surprise. Surprise and fear. Fear and fun are two weapons. Are fear and surprise and ruthless illicit. There are three weapons are fear and surprise. And ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope are four. No. Amongst our weapons. Amongst our weaponry are such elements as fear. So I'll come in again. He tells JCVD about the scrolls. Hello exposition. What was he doing translating it? This is all tactical redundancy man. Guys, I need to call a 20 second time out because Heston expositions to JCVD that his dad was emailing him chapters of his book. And he was printing them. Heston then locks up in a safety deposit box. Hello exposition. Why wouldn't you leave them on the computer? Were they're in your email? Do you think he's printing them out and then putting them in a safety box box? Or is he taking his whole computer? Put in a computer in the safety deposit box. Why a safety deposit box in Israel? Because he trusted me. What? That doesn't answer that at all. Also, he gives them the key. Okay. Probably going to need this. He's closed. He's swerving all over the road. He's a hundred years old. JCVD wonders, where can I find these guys? I'll show you. They drive up to a lookout point. We get a camera painting across the city. He's explained how difficult it is. You can't just talk to the order. You'd be better get an audience with the Pope. Present day order is reclusive. Fanatically averse to publicity. No contact with the outside world. Then we see someone looking at him through binoculars from far away. It spurs. And there's no way. Oh, they spot the guy with the binoculars instantly. Instantly. Charlton recognizes them. He's 12 feet away. Son of a bitch. Those are the guys from the tomato factory that picked up your dad. The spying guys hop in a Ben's back up into a crowd and are running people over. JCVD is going to drive Charlton's classic car. He tells Charlton to buckle up. Then he powerslide 180 Tokyo Drift Surround a tight turn. I sure does. Time for a car chase. He fucks this car. Be careful. This car is a classic. Scraping shit. Bumping into shit. Meloda is shooting back at them. They drive through a pack of monks. This movie is chaotically and horrifically paced. We're getting into it, man. It's too much. Too fast. You're is. Zach, we did the crusades in three minutes. My note, Zach, is Charlton Heston still alive? No. Oh, you thought it was an odd couple two situation? He's dead. He is dead. This is like a terrible chase movie from the 70s. It might be the same film. Because JCVD is then forced to drive through a truck of big water cooler. Oh my God, Maze, please clip the noise that Charlton Heston makes. Same note to. That was a manage, wasn't it? It had to have been at the manage. Maze, you have to clip this and it has to be on the sound board. They go crashing through it in slow motion. It's crazy. What the fuck is up with JCVD and water jugs? Why is this a tried and true thing for me? You cannot put this noise in the episode enough. I'm telling you, you don't know what it was. You're going to hear it when you go to clip it. You're going to fall in love. It's almost like a marcy. Next up is a street market and some donkeys. JCVD crashes. And then despite losing the tail, they quickly find the bends driving into a dead end. No problem. You guys don't know where they're going. As the bends backs up, JCVD T bones them into a fountain. The car flipped. Yeah. There's no way that car survives any of this shit. Of course not. No airbags in the classic car. Charlton Heston is concussed. Concussed? He's a nagle, bloody stoop. The car flipped because they t-boned it on the same level of ground. It's not like it came from underneath. It's just a t-bone. Yeah, but the force. I got the sound here. Even so disembodied, that was great. Oh my God. Intro soundboard. We know from Lionheart that these guys love a water fight. So even though this fountain is tiny and there is no room in it, he is going to fight Malota in it in slow motion. This is the world's smallest bird bath. It's a bird bath. Call back our bird bath 20CV. This movie confirms yesterday. While he's fighting, a disembodied voice says in Arabic, the equivalent of fuck your dad. I was like, oh, that's really good. He lost him in the fountain. Yeah. He hid behind it and attacked him. We got a kicking fight, slow motion, splashing. Let's nail these sons of bitches. And Heston has inspired me to start calling people sons of bitches more. Sons of bitches, the horsemen use sons of bitches. Well, JCBD grabs this guy by the throat and asks, where's my father? Where's my father son of a bitch? Hey, see, he's on board. Other guy picks up JCBD who lands one last kick to the face of Malota. Lots of choking all around here, all at seven. And Charlton flax this dude with his walking stick. This dude says, I'm going to kill you to JCBD. I said, this guy looks a lot like John Belushi. John Belushi. John Belushi. John Belushi. Super charged both of us. Look at this photograph. Look at this photograph. Oh yeah. He looks exactly like Belushi. All right. Heston hits the guy with a cane, as May said. Then Heston gets shot in the chest by the first guy. As the cops show up and as he dies at just under seven minutes of screen time, he is both secured the Del Rolando award and a Crashmore award. CT5 Gertie's. I thought he was still alive. No, he got shot in the chest. He got shot right in the heart. It is cargo pocket. One could have been anything in there. If he had a Bible in there or something, it'd be one thing. Two, he's not dead when they're checking on him. Yes, he is. He's like, he's moving. He's breathing. But then the cops drag him away from Charlton. This is real. Exactly. They would have shot him again. The cops start yelling at JCVD in English and say, how do they know he speaks English? Don't move. Literally everybody in this movie speaks English. They don't even try. Well, not all the time. Sometimes they don't. But Zach, as they're dragging him away, arresting him for killing Charlton Heston. Could you read this line? Hey, it's me. Cut to the station. Police chief questioning him. Mr. Cavmire. Oh, I love the cops. All caps. What the fuck was all that? I can smell bullshit a mile away, and you're only five feet from me. What did he say? Kilometer? JCVD wrote it. What would he say? Kilometer question. Things he's lying about his dad to smuggle artifacts out of Israel. Dad was here. Now he's missing nothing to do with why you're in custody. He says my father was here. The way he says father is a horseman in this movie. Father, he says it different every single time. Father, father, sometimes he says father. Oh, shit. The lady cop is back from the airport. You were found next to the corpse of a prominent professor. I said corpse. He was breathing. Zach, I'm trying to tell you. Too optimistic here. He was breathing. He wasn't even breathing when they were walking around the airport. All right, that's fair. They're not not accusing him of murder. So they're going to place him under house arrest at a hotel pending investigation. You know why you're spending bullshit? Because you're up to an alternate. Oh, snapback. God is the house. Very delayed though. Yeah. He's thinking about it. You waited for the whole conversation to go by and that he hit up with the callback. Bullshit. Well, that's cause after the exchange was done, the scene was over. They're wrapping up. He goes, oh, I've got a line. Roll the tip. But they never edited back into a point where it would have made sense for him to say it. Guess who's taking him to the hotel room? The lady cop. She'll be right next door. She asked him, can I get you anything? And he says, what about the taxi banter banter? She even gives. JCBD her full name. It's Lieutenant Dahlia bar. Nope. She's hot cop. The rest of the movie. Not an ally ally with her and Ben JCBD opens a secret compartment in the wheel of his suitcase, which contains a rappel rope. How do you fit all of that into the wheel compartment? You clearly don't smuggle artifacts. That's a good point. He easily climbs out the window, lands by the Valley area, and then he hands another Valley guy a bunch of money and hops into cab. He gave him American money. Right. Who cares? He gave him folded up pizza paper. Okay. Sure. Shout out to my guy, the valet, who's ass off as he accepts that money looking around. Like, where did you come from? Clearly that was not in the direction. You said ass off. Ass on. Ass on. Okay. Now he's at a bizarre cops are looking at him. Photo copies of him with different facial hair. Those are sex offender mug shots. Those are drawings. Guys, I think we're in the Arab side of town. You know how I know? How could you tell? All the pheasants and rags. Anybody safe from a mean in this episode, he grabs a pair of gigantic old man black safety glasses. Blue blockers. I kind of think he can say that one. Uh-oh. But can you say that he could say it? No. Supercharge that out. Zach, I saw a clip of a black woman who's Scottish made my brain explode. I started following this personal trader who's a black Scottish guy. Full Scottish accent. Yeah. Same thing. Dude, it's awesome. I thought these old man glasses were to disguise himself, but then he's only trying them on, and then he settles on a paranormal ones. The police look right at him pointing. Yeah. We had the blue blockers on. Oh, block the blue. Cut to the Mariah Bank of Jerusalem. Seen over. Safe deposit box. He has the scrolls. It's a map. He's going to study them, right? Nope. Oh, he's back on the streets already. He hits up a pay phone and he calls Yuri because remember, He's in Tel Aviv. He's in Yuri's hometown. Let me explain what happened to Odessa. Explain what you left me hanging like a piece of laundry. Yuri's making excuses, not taking accountability. Admit it. You little slime ball or you'll never see your money. Well felt anti-semitic. I know that's what he said. You slime ball. I know that from the captions. Fortunately, this is what I heard. You slay him bow. Oh, wait, hold on. There's more. You almost got me killed. He said he sold the egg. Remember our deal? 10%. That's 50 Gs to you. Lucky for you. This place makes me feel generous. You have the cash with you. JCBD says no, it's under my mattress. Of course I have it. Pant her. Now Yuri lies right back to him about having a penthouse suite in the Diamond District and these guys deserve each other. He's got a much better idea. What gives him a much better idea? Okay. Is it 25 Hasidic Jews who want to use the phone? Oh, I'm not proud of this note. Oh, Jesus. The Hasidic Jews approach JCBD and they say, my friend, we would like to use the phone. It was promised to us 3000 years ago. That's chemistry, Zach. You see that? You are 100% proud of that joke. He'd jump his Ula-Dazs on that one, Zach. He did. It's the clip of Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippin where they're going back and forth on a fastback and then Jordan hits a shot the way up over his head with his back to the basket. That's what just happened right there, me and Maze. Cut to Yuri wandering around and some guy trying to say hi to him He's in a Hasidic disguise. Guys. And this is the golden dumpster. Look at this photograph. Where did he get it from? What do you mean, where did he get it from? He's in Israel. He gave a guy a bunch of money. That's not a disguise. It is in Israel. That's their hair. No. It's not a disguise in Israel. That's who they are. They are, but not him. Where did he get the hair? He grew it. Well, no, because it gets ripped off shortly. What? Yuri is stunned. He's not the only one. Understandably so. JCVD pulls Yuri aside, calls him a slime ball again. You slime ball. Slime ball. Slime ball. Crabs him by the collar. Yuri almost got him killed. So Yuri owes him. He needs the map translated. Then he hands over a floppy disk and he also wants that printed. They start arguing over what happened in Odessa again. Loudly. Yuri's freaking out. Yuri's ducking accountability. Now we've got a chase of the cops through Tel Aviv. It's a very thriller kind of thing. So they give us some thrilling music, right? Serious. They might as well have had Benny Hill planned. It was so whimsical. Whimsical music is the caption. They didn't lie. It's whimsical. Lady cop is already there. The teleporting is out of control. She's in the police station, gets a call, and then she's on the scene in seconds. It's not that big of a town. I was so confused because I said, this is very blood sport avoiding the FBI running around. Wait, never mind. He got away immediately. Wait, never mind. The hot cop and another cop are chasing them down some stairs. Yep. So now we've got a crowd of people that start cheering him on because of his outfit. It's all the histidic men. And they form a barrier. Yeah. He runs through in the name of Blockade. Blockade, yes. I don't know. That's a nope. It feels like a nope. I didn't like it. Your face makes me feel like it's a nope. The lady cop rolls her eyes. Then does the money train turn around and punches the lead one in the face. She clocks this dude and I said, he's still my heart. Can I be topical? I said, she turned like Steph Curry on that three hitting us the clippers behind the back to Dreymont. And then he's running. And then he turns and he comes back. That's the exact same way she turns. She clocks the guy. Her titty comes dangerously close to popping out. And then the guy who got punched says, it's the most ass on point. Everyone picks him up and he says it in a very American accent. And I wondered, is this a reverse Lewis Pina? Because it's not trying. Pina Clouis? It's a reverse. You just say no. You see what he gets away, but now he's in the Muslim part of town. Uh-oh. I don't know if he wants to be in that market. We get POV shots of all these people are giving him dirty looks. She yells at him. She says, hey, you stop. And then she bows a whistle. And I've never heard a whistle like this in my life before. Mays clipped the sound of that whistle. And then excuse me while I find it on Amazon. I need that whistle. He bumps into Kisi and knocks him down. They break a vase. The iron sheik is after him. Zach, what's Attila? I know. It's Attila from the quest. He's also the iron sheik here. He's a big Arab. Now Kisi is pissed and chasing after him. JCB is flipping people over. This is where Seth's and Creed got the video game from. This dude is, he jumps and swings across a gap. Those square kind of things. Yeah. Yeah. He's fucking kicking the shit out of cops. They're flying left and right. They're going everywhere. All these guys are paralyzed. They're landing on their neck. That's stone that vertebrae snap everything. He does a jump man leap across a gap. He's shrimp does new logo coming soon. And now he's on a rooftop and there's a chopper that's there to track him. Helicopter. He's beating up more cops. He's wrecking these dudes. They rip his blazer off. He gets pushed, runs up to the wall. Yeah. He does the run up the wall back flip thing. Then he loses his hat. Jump kick. He does the split kick with his fake beard on. He's doing it all. He's got the whole package going right now. I thought we weren't going to get the splits in this movie because he's older. Still got it. I was wrong. Guy rips his beard off. That's when the iron sheet catches him. Boss fight. Time for them to fight. JCVD gets his legs wrapped around his neck like the Phantom. Scissor meat timbers. Oh, but forwards. Phantom. You remember. Phantom does it reverse style. That's right. Yeah. And naked. JCVD crotch first. No. Not naked, but close on the floor. It's getting tight. Yeah. They twist and both fall. Lots of slow motion following. They fall into a pile of boxes of olives. They keep fighting. Now they're both choking each other. Lady cop shows up and then they play nice. They pretend they're not fighting. Fix each other's collars and pat each other down comedy. She says, you know how much trouble I'm in because you do you know, he says, let's have a coffee and duck and bed. It's bent her. She grabs him by the back of his neck. Yeah. And is cradling his head to deliver this TGT. That's how you do it. I thought it's on. Seemed like it could have been on a lot earlier. I've got a note here that uh oh is a horseman, but I don't know what happens that made me one. What I mean is Hitler impression is a horseman. Oh, well, it's not my Hitler impression. It is. It's not. All right. Hey, Dolf. Hitler. Hi, Josh Greenberg. Greenberg. Yes. And if you ask me how I feel, don't tell me you're too much to see. Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna say goodbye and hurt you. Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna say goodbye and hurt you. No. Oh, no. A mean spurs Hitler impression of the episode. Oh, keep a counter. Intro.