My Husband’s White Lies Are Ruining Our Marriage

How can I confront my husband about his habit of lying without making it feel like an attack? What are the latest round of lies? What's the latest big one that has brought you here? I don't think there's any like infidelity or anything like that. I fully trust him. But you don't, hold on, you don't. You know there are things beneath the surface. Dude, I'm so glad you're with us. So glad you're with us. We're talking about your marriage and your relationships and who you're dating and your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. So glad that you're with us. I'm John. I'm the Dr. John Deloni show. I'm just so grateful that you joined us. All right, Kelly. Yes. So much, so much here. And I know it's like we're supposed to like get right to the calls, but so much. So two things, number one or three, we had this money marriage weekend where we had couples from all over, I mean, there's international couples. There's everybody. It was awesome. Came up here to Nashville and we had like it's by far the best marriage retreat I've ever been a part of. It was awesome. And this is not a sales pitch, but we are doing it again. Valentine's weekend. If you're thinking of the right Christmas gift to buy and you want to double dip and do Christmas in Valentine's and one fell swoop. Man, come join us in Nashville over the Valentine's Day weekend, but it was awesome. And the next morning it was over. We got done late that night. Saturday night got up Sunday, early morning and me and a local comedian Matt Taylor, we drove to Chicago to do a standup event in a comedy club there in Nashville, I mean in Chicago, completely sold out. It was packed and so it was like toggling from like teaching about marriage to just ripping jokes and dude, like you and the gang are like legends. It was awesome. They were like, dude, where's Kelly? And like just having a few Kelly jokes was the best. But they weren't laughing with me. They're laughing at me on your behalf. I very much appreciate that. Dude, seeing how much love they have just in a comedy club, like 300 people packed into a dark room. It was snowing outside and it was just, they were ripping. It was so fun. And also somebody at Money in Marriage brought you guys this shirt that I think is a complete abomination. So for those that are listening and not watching, the front of it says is Deloni the problem. There's a little check box that says yes. And then my favorite part, the back says team Kelly, which I think is complete false. And all you're wearing these shirts today. Yes. I gave the, I told them, it was like, you don't have to wear them. It's totally up to you. I would just like, oh no, they're all team Kelly too. Because you're their boss, which is kind of ridiculous. But just a couple of them. It was awesome. But dude, amazing weekend all the way across the board. Everybody here in Nashville, I've been there in Chicago and I love seeing Kelly get some shout outs and even Nate dog. Be money. Even Alex and on a month. Everybody here. It's awesome. I love it. Love it. All right. Let's go out to Morgantown, West Virginia. Talk to Jade. What's up Jade? Hi, John. How are you? I'm so good. How are you? I'm shaking out of my pants right now. No, keep your pants on. Keep your pants on. I'm so nervous. What's up? Oh, well, I'm really sick. So forgive my voice. I might do a little crackly. You're so good. I'm glad you're here. What's up? Yes, I'm going to jump in. My question is how can I confront my husband about his habit of lying without making it feel like an attack? That tells me that he doesn't handle confrontation very well. That is correct. Tell me about that. So I don't know if it's relevant. He's ex-military, current law enforcement. I don't care. He's a grown up. Yeah. Okay, I agree. But the emotion side of it is very lacking. I had kind of written down. I didn't want to get sidetracked, but we were really good friends growing up. And during that time, I would pick up on little things that would get elaborated on or exaggerated about. Elaborated on. That's such a nice way to say he lied a lot. Yeah. But at the time, you know, where kids kind of just wrote it off, didn't pay attention to it, like thought he was trying to impress me. And after we got married, I kind of still continued to pick up on the things. And I noticed some of them are motivated about, or they're motivated about him trying to make himself look better, or some of them make absolutely no sense. And it's really so seamless that it's almost like you're telling the truth. I don't know how to confront it. And I haven't in almost 10 years because I know how it's going to go. And it's gotten to a point where I kind of need to. Okay. Tell me what's what, what are the latest round of lies? What's the latest big one that has brought you here? Um, so. Or is it just cumulative? Well, it's kind of cumulative. There's been little ones in the, in the past couple months. It's, it's, it's, I'm tell, it's very insignificant things that make no sense. Like, why would you, why would you lie about that? And, um, I mean, that makes me think that there might be. Exactly. One exact. Well, I can, let me say, I can guarantee you there are. Yeah. And you know that. Yeah. All right. You just got choked up there. What do you think the bigger ones are? I really honestly don't, because I fully, I don't think there's any like infidelity or anything like that. I fully trust him. But you don't hold on, you don't. Now you're going back to, you're going back to old you. Yeah. If we're going to do this, we're going to do it together. But you know there are things beneath the surface. Or let me say it this way. Let me, let me change the tack tracks here a little bit. Okay. Let's say there's no. Yeah. I want to take a completely positive altruistic approach to this. Okay. And I want to change it from against him. Okay. To for you. Okay. You get that frame? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So this conversation is for you. Let's say he would never cheat on you. Let's say there's no secret accounts. He's not spending money that y'all don't have. Let's say that all of that is, is like when it get down to it, he's actually a foundationally strong guy who you see a guy who doesn't love himself as much as you love him. Yes. Yes. And you see a man who feels like I've got to sand off every rough edge because I don't think I'm worth this woman that I'm with. Yes. Never have, never will. Yes. That is exactly, yes. That's how exactly I feel. Okay. Yes. So if that's the, if that's, if that's what in your guts you believe to be true that really what you have in front of you is a guy who's dedicated his life to serving other people and that you still see the same 16 year old boy trying to impress you because he doesn't think he's enough. Right. And that maybe he has to, and I'm not saying this, I'm not saying this laughingly, I'm saying this serious. He has to jack up his Jeep or his truck. He has to always be carrying. He has to, has to all of these things because when he looks in the mirror he's not enough. Yes. Yes. And then you are sitting by this man that you've dedicated, you've given your whole life to. And you're like, no, but I see it. Yeah. If that's the case, that's the path. Okay. To bring it up to, like go down that path to bring it up to him. That would be my approach, which is I'm tired of sharing a bed with somebody who is so hard on himself. You can't even tell me the truth about the trash or politics or about the light bill. Yeah. Okay. And I want you to know that I love you enough that I see all of you. I've seen all of you since we were teenagers. And it's coming out in these little bitty cumulative lies. Like it's not death by a 50 cow, it's death by a BB gun. Yes. That's exactly it. Yeah. And so I am losing the ability to stay anchored to you, not because I don't love you, but because I can't love you more than you love yourself. Right. Okay. And then you've got to have some data there. I'm sorry. Another, I don't know, point. I feel sometimes him and his parents have some strife. And sometimes I know you say that we marry our unfinished business. And sometimes I feel like I'm his mom. Yeah. And in both how our relationship is and just in the things I say and do. And tell me about that. Give me an example of that. Oh, gosh. He came from a hyper religious household where he was never good enough. And I did not come from that, but I found the Lord later in life. And I wouldn't call myself hyper religious, but I'm very set in my ways. And so like I was just in casual conversations and I'll say things and I can tell he gets turned off and he's a Christian. Like we're on the same page. He's just not as open about it. But you know why? Yes. Because he's been railed by his parents. Yeah. It's an electric fence. He can't touch it. Yes. So is that something that I should kind of like, because I feel like he has all of these things going on inside of him that can't be brought to the light, I guess, because he's afraid to bring them to the light. And I don't want to give him a reaction that makes him like crawl back in a shell when I bring something up. So that makes sense. It's a hundred percent. I have always found like we talk about power in our culture. And I recently heard Brene Brown say this and it was the most powerful sentiment. I think I've heard in the last decade, like I'm still ruminating over it because it was so powerful, which is when you look at powerful leaders who use power over somebody, it's almost always an expression of what they're most deeply scared of. And when you see people use power with or underneath, it's people who are projecting into the world what they believe to be right and good. Yes. Here's what I mean. And if a grown man accosted my 15-year-old son, I would exert power in that situation because I believe my son is worth treating with dignity and respect, even though he's a 15-year-old boy. I would get underneath him to challenge that situation. If I need to express my power over a 15-year-old so I can feel a little bit bigger in my house, because this is my house, these are my right, then what I'm most scared of in the world is losing my son or him becoming a man underneath me, which is the whole, my whole role is to help him become a grown man. So I tell you that to tell you the most powerful people who use power well and long-term always start these conversations by going first. And so for you, it might simply be sitting down saying, I need to talk to you for two hours and I need to tell you some things that I need to make right with you. And I need you to stay present with me and not roll your eyes, no phones, no screens. This is a big deal for me. Yeah. Okay. And if he won't have that conversation, then you all have bigger problems and you know that. My guess is he would though, right? I honestly do not know. Okay. Okay. Yeah. And I would start the conversation with the words I say on the show all the time. I just realized over the last 10, 15, 20 years that we've known each other, I always lead with judging you instead of being curious about you and I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. And anytime somebody leads, not with a fake sorry, because everybody knows if you're lying with a fake sorry. Yes. Yes. If you lead with actual, to use your faith traditions word, actual repentance, I mess this up. And I realize I'm duplicating what you grew up with and I'm sorry. That ends today. Okay. That would be a path to, that's an invitation. Right. And I'm going to be honest, you know this. And I know these officers, I spent my career working with police officers and with veterans. There's some that will fill that space that you've just created with their own inflation. I knew it and weaponize it, right? Yeah. He's more of a quiet type. Okay. He retreats. Okay. All right. And so calling it out, I'm going to say some hard things about me, your wife, and I need you to not retreat. I need you to stay here. Okay. And it might be. Call it what it is. Yeah. And I might be, I need you to hold my hand while I tell you this, because it's hard for me to say these things out loud. Okay. That sounds good. And this goes exactly counter to every bit of wisdom you're going to get on the internet or on TikTok. Right? Yes. Because they're going to tell you your husband lies, so you need to do boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And it takes a really brave, wise, honest person to say, have I created a world where he doesn't feel like he's enough? Now, I'm not giving him a pass. We're going to get to his actions and you'll get to a place where you say, I can't, when I'm choosing to be curious, I can't always be wondering if you're telling me the truth. Right. But we'll get to that. But if you lead first in this situation and you're honest, like you really believe that you've helped create this, co-create this context. Mm-hmm. I mean, I don't know, I don't know another path that would be more genuine and more honest. And again, conflict is connection that would bring you all together through this tense moment. Yeah, I agree. I agree. But you can't go up there and just totally roll over either, right? Right. Yeah. You're going to get your balance, right? But if you're inviting him, if you think that there's an affair going on, this might not be the best track. In fact, I know it wouldn't be. If you think he's got a hundred grand and gambling debts you don't know about and you just have that sixth sense that's just brewing, this isn't a good track. No, that's not it. That's a definite no. Yeah. And if you're not safe, if he's abusive or will scream and yell or whatever, he sounds like a guy that works really hard to take his anger and bottle it up and he just says the best thing I can do for everybody, including my wife and myself, is to retreat to bail. Yes. That is exactly it. Okay. And he's, I mean, he's amazing. He really is. That's why we were best friends and that's how we got started. And it's just, you know, it's just inflated over the years and become a thing. So if you say the words, I'm so sorry. I've become your mom and you don't deserve that and I don't want to be that. I want to be your wife. I want to be your old like hot girlfriend again. Right? Yeah. And he's maybe co-created a world where he's kind of forced you to. Right? And so, but you going first is such a display of strength and power and B, it's walking up to a guy with a sword and saying, I could cut you with this. I'm going to lay it down because I don't want to fight. Oh, yeah. I want to be together. Yeah. That's good. Yes. And so at the end of this, and you might want to write all this out, when I have these kind of conversations in the past with my wife, I've written it out because I get all jumbled up. Yes. I'm an over-emotional guy. Not. I can't relate. Right, right. But like, be able to say, I'm going to not be your mom anymore and it's going to take me some time to practice. I'm going to, I want to hear about what's going on inside of you when it comes to your faith. Yeah. And I recognize you grew up getting hit for saying what you believed or didn't believe anymore. And I want to tell you, like Jay, like one of my favorite things about being married to the person I'm married to is we have different beliefs. I love it. Yeah. Definitely. But one of our values is we're always looking for truth. Mm-hmm. And we share that. We end up in different places sometimes, which is awesome, which is why I sent her an episode of a podcast and she sends me a book to read. Like we're always challenging each other's beliefs because we're anchoring to the same value, which is we want to know the truth. Right. Yeah. But man, if you can get there, I'm talking if our world leaders, if our business leaders, if our husbands and wives and our teachers would lead like this, you're talking about a transformed society. But that's too big for you and me, but we can do this in our homes. Right? Yes. I love that. That's true. Okay. So I think lovingly confronting him in this moment is walking up to him and inviting him in with whatever way you know how to invite your husband. You know it better than I do. I'm just throwing stuff at the wall, but going first. And again, everybody listening, this only works if you know the person across the table from you as a person of character and they're not going to weaponize your vulnerability. They're not going to beat you up literally physically with it, but they are seeking connection to, they just don't know how to put their hand through that electric fence and they're not going to do it anymore. Man, what a powerful shift inside your home. Do me a huge favor, Jay. Write this stuff out. Invite him to this hour or two hour conversation. Tell him, hey, I don't need you to say anything. I just needed this out on the table and I want to plan tomorrow morning or tomorrow evening after you've had some time to process it. I want to plan another hour or a week circle back because I want to hear from you. And that way he doesn't have to defend himself in the moment. He doesn't have to defend you in the moment. He just gets to metabolize it a little bit. And my hope is he steps up. He really steps up and we'll come back to the table and say, you're right. I struggle with telling the truth. You're, God, yes, I know. I'm always sanding the edges off. I'm always fudging the corners and I can do that anymore. And I'm going to work hard to be more honest about X, Y, or Z. I'm going to send you, and this is going to sound patronizing like I'm trying to make a sale before Christmas. I'm not. I'm going to send you the questions for humans, intimacy deck and the couples decks. And here's why. Having a neutral third party thing, having a deck of cards that puts questions on the table allows the relational pressure to be on the deck of cards, not on each other. Cause it's like, Hey, the deck asked this question. I mean, and it sometimes acts as like a work around for that initial pain. Cause you can get mad at the deck. Like, ah, that's what it said. I'm going to send all four decks to you and I want you to keep those. This isn't for the first couple of conversations, but this is for ongoing date night. This is for the weekly meeting you're going to have to talk about your calendar or whatever. This is going to be that. And you can use a couple of these just to kind of grease that conversation. Thank you so, so much. Man, the way you ask that question is so beautiful and your desire to continue loving this guy and also saying, I can't be in the house where everybody lies to me or where you lied to me. Being able to hold that tension is so great. Tension is the path forward here. You're the best. Thank you so much, Jade. Let us know how this conversation goes. I can't wait to hear about it. When we come back, a man wonders how to have the talk, the talk with his kids will be right back. Merry Christmas, everybody. Have I got news for you? 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They're gifts that I give to loved ones, to special people in my life and to business partners who I've worked with over the years. I love them. Give the outdoorsman and the cook in your life knives that they will love and actually use forever. Go to Montana knife company.com to see what's available right now. You won't be disappointed. And I promise you they will sell out Montana knife company does limited run. So you better get there soon. That's Montana knife company.com. All right. Atlanta, Georgia. Let's talk to Colton. What up Colton? Hey, John, thank you for taking my call. Of course, brother. Thank you for calling in. What's up? Yeah. So I'll ask the question and I'll give a little bit of background. Um, that's why I'm asking the question. So my question is, is, uh, how do I have, uh, to talk about sex and things around that with my boys? Um, my oldest is 13. So I feel like I'm late to the game on it. I don't miss. I'm not, if I've not had that conversation, um, before now, um, but, uh, reason I'm asking this, cause, uh, me and my wife, we, uh, grew up in super religious, um, backgrounds, uh, very strict on that. And, uh, the way sex was portrayed to us back then was, you know, sex is bad, you know, touching and all that kind of stuff. I'm, I mean, even up until, um, we got married when we were engaged and stuff like that, we worked, we didn't spend no time alone with each other, um, things like that. So it, it, there was a lot of unanswered questions when it comes to that. And, um, then we, uh, we got married and then it was like, you know, Hey, you know, everything's on the table. Have a good, you know, have a great day and, uh, kind of left in the dark on it. Um, so, and me and my wife, we, we got married when we were, um, 19 and, uh, we weren't, we weren't ready for marriage at all. Um, I know I've heard you say, you know, that sex is, you know, the symptom, not necessarily the cause. Um, that can be the cause too, but yeah, I can, it can, it can bubble up in your, in your sex life for sure. Like that's right. And so we had a very unstable, um, few years, first few years of marriage. I'm talking about emotionally to financially, um, all that. And, um, sex was a big one. Um, you know, the only thing I knew about was from work. Um, my parents never did talk about it. Um, she knew next to nothing. Um, her parents never did really talk to her about it either. And, uh, it, what happened was, is it kind of developed a lot of anxiety around it. Um, that's on her part. And, um, at the beginning of our marriage, it was more of what drove us apart than it did bringing us together. Sure. Um, and, uh, now that we know that the thing is the thing that, you know, I'm struggling with is, I, you know, even though we don't have the exact same scenario is what I had, you know, both of us had growing up with our boys. Um, the, I feel like the, the strong and healthy connection with it needs to be talked about. Yes. Big time. Oh, and I don't know how to burst that subject because, you know, I never did have that. Yeah. Man, the A, the fact that you're asking this question and the way you just talked through it is amazing. Thank you. I'm proud of you. Okay. And I'm proud of you and your wife not giving up on each other, even if you'll just stay together because somebody in your faith community said God would hate you if you did, like what the, the, doesn't matter. Y'all are here. Absolutely. And it tells me that y'all kept fumbling through it and you kept scratching and clawing, not just for a better sex life, but for each other. I also, I just have to do this just for entertainment value. Yeah. Like you for sure know, you're about like probably nine years late on this one. Right. I know. Okay. All right. All right. Okay. So everybody listening, the earlier, the better. You gave me a roadmap, which is the exact roadmap I want you to use with your 13 year old, which is you take him out and you tell him, this is not the big sex talk. Yep. But this is your dad being honest with you in a way I've never been honest before. Okay. Which is my mom and dad. I knew there were certain things we were not allowed to talk about in our house. Okay. And this is going to stop. But, and I've started to do this again and I'm ending it today. Yep. And so what you're going to do is you're going to lead with where you mess this up, where mess this up, which is not what strong Southern religious men are trained to do with, especially with their boys. Right. No, not at all. You're going to go on that self. That's how it was with, you know, my, my, my family and then me and even her family. It was, it's a very private thing. Even the show outward affection, you know, and that can be just, you know, hugging or kissing or whatever it is, you know, never did see that a lot. Um, and I can, I, I am, I can say that me and my wife have come a long way when it comes to that. So, you know, there's nothing for, you know, you know, them to see us hugging or whatever. Oh, wait, it needs to up it. Up it. Absolutely. You need to have affection for your wife that makes your teenage boy roll his eyes. I'm serious. I'm serious. Not full on groping. Don't be doing boob grabs in the kitchen or whatever, but he needs to see that when you walk in the door, you avoid him and go straight to her for a 30 second hug. That's right. That y'all kiss too long. That her hands creep down a little bit. Absolutely. Or that she waps you on the booty as you're walking out. If that's okay for both of them. Right. You get them saying like, and having him go, oh gross. That's what you're looking for. Okay. Now I've talked to people even on this show who take that way too far. Yeah. Right. And I'm not saying about that, but the greatest gift you can give him is an expression of healthy intimacy, not sexuality. He's 13, but, and God, there's some things in his head that he, everyone has the story of they walked in on their parents, right? He doesn't need that, but he does need to see this is what sexuality outside of a bedroom expressed by two people who would burn the world down for each other. This is what that looks like. And even if it's awkward, especially if it's awkward. And I want you to be intentional about saying body parts out loud. Yeah. And that's why I struggle with it. I know you do. I know. I know. But I want him to hear you say the words. Say it and say it with somewhat of a smile on your face. Like looking at your 13 year old boy being like, son, I've never said penis before. And I got one and you got one. And his eyes will get the biggest saucer plates. And you can also with a smile on your face, not laughing, making fun, but a smile and say, you've never heard me say vagina. And that's where you came from. And hopefully he goes, Oh my, I hope that happens. Okay. And here's what we're doing. We're just taking the temperature down around the conversation. That's right. Right. And you leaning over. That's the good thing. Concerned about it, you know, because they go to public school. Um, we weren't, we were homeschooled, but so I know they've heard stuff. That's that's not, you know, but I know what I heard from work, you know, before. Brother, brother, brother. We got married. It is nothing compared to what they're hearing. Oh, I'm sure. And be honest with you. Every one of their friends has a smartphone. Everyone. Yeah. So hearing his dad say, son, you've never heard me say boobs before. Like his eyes will pop out of the back of his head and they should. Cause you're his dad for God's sakes. But you can say, I know you're seeing this stuff. I know your friends are talking about this stuff. And I need you to know there is nothing more amazing than this, especially in the right context. And I've not done a good job of letting you know, I'll always tell you the truth and these idiots are not going to tell you the truth. And social media and pornography is a horrific place to learn. Absolutely. And so hearing your dad say boner or erection will blow his mind, but also you telling him, I get them too. And if you tell him in context, you're probably waking up in the middle of the night, that means your body's working perfectly. Yeah. And suddenly, Oh, I don't have to be ashamed of my body. I don't have to. Of course that feels good when I'm in the shower, like all those things. Again, not we're not being crass, but it's letting him know, dude, I'm a guy too. Yeah. And this thing is amazing. And I'm, here's the, here's the cup thing. I want him to walk away from that conversation, not knowing the mechanics of sex and blah, blah, blah. Y'all will get to that stuff. But in this conversation, I want you to not poke a hole. I want you to blow up the balloon around the tension. I'm a safe place and I'm a guy too. Yeah. And Christians have body parts for God's sakes. Yeah. That's right. And your body's not disgusting or gross in any shape, form or fashion. That's right. Right. And it's just going to be leading by example. And then here's what I have found the magic, not just in my house, but with, with anyone I talked to, um, is your wife leaning into this too. Yeah. And here's what I mean by that. When your 13 year old son comes down in gym shorts and no underwear, her being able to say, I can so see your penis, go put on underwear. Right. And here's what we're doing. We're teaching him that moms can say those words too. Yeah. And that there is appropriateness, right? You got to put on underwear and whatever. And I can see like all, but we're just taking the temperature down on the conversation. That's right. And, and, and currently right now it's, you know, more just looking at me saying, hey, go deal with it. She's, she's got to be involved in it. Yeah. And if you, this never happens in my house, but if you take it too far, then you want her to hit you. Yeah. Like and not playfully, right? Right. Because we're also going to teach our boys there's a time and a place. And so when my son ripped off, what I think is one of the single funniest, that's what she says of all time. My wife hit me because I started laughing so hard. And she knew he got that from me. And I was able to say, Hey, when you and I, there's a time and a place when you and I are out and hunting or when you're with your buddies, there's a time and a place for jokes. And that's your mom, dude. Right. Right. And so it is, it's, it, it again, it's not making a mockery. It's not making it. It's just saying sex is none of us would be here without it. And it could be one of the most amazing parts of your life, especially if you have a ride or die spouse that you'll commit to service and to loving all that stuff that you know. That's right. But man, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, the thing that, that really blew me and my wife's, you know, mind was the fact that when we, when we figured out how, how much it affected the relationship, we were like, wow, why, why haven't we heard more? Why don't people talk about it more in a, in a healthy way with, with the right person? It's one of, it's one of the great colossal failures of the faith communities. Yeah. Because what they have done is they have forced kids, young people into the open arms of the algorithms. Yeah. Because kids are curious. Thank God that's how the species has survived. That's right. And kids have learned that my parents, the two most important people who are teaching me about how the world works have let me know this is off limits. And the church has burned it down in schools. The church doesn't talk about it in the buildings. The church doesn't talk about it at home. They don't teach parents how to talk about it. Yeah. And not in a very clinical way, but in a, dude, it's hilarious and it's fun and it's messy and there's noises and there's smells. There's all this stuff to it that when you get, you remember, you get dumped into a room at 19 or 22 or 25 and you think something's broken. You think something's wrong. You think something's off. Yeah. Right. That's right. And you have the chance. You can't change that globally unless you want to go to your church leaders and say, this is stupid and we're harming a generation of kids. We're forcing them into the, into pornography, being their sex ad. Yeah. Like, but you can change this in your house. Yeah. Absolutely. And that's what I want to do. That's it. Cause I don't want them to develop an unhealthy view of it based on what they've heard, you know, because what, what they've heard from their buddies or, you know, when they go to work or whatever it is, it's not going to be. No. It's not going to be. Yeah. No. And also it's going to be something that here's what you take from somebody. Yeah. Sex is something you try to extract from a person. Yeah. Instead of sex is connecting. It is stress relieving. It is feels awesome. It's a way to honor somebody. It's a way to, it's all those awesome, amazing things. But again, you letting him know, Hey, I got no, none, zero training on this. Yep. And so you tell him, I get to have a red face when you ask me a question. It's not because of you. the time. I got asked 25 times this past weekend at a marriage retreat I was running. How did you have the talk, the talk, the talk? And I have to tell every one of them I have not had of the talk with my kids. It is an ongoing conversation that goes on all the time. That's right. That's the thing where it gets presented, you know, because I've looked up online trying to figure out, you know, and it's always presented as the talk. That is a catastrophic, because here's what it does. It heightens the drama. Right. Right. Now, I have had very specific talks about, hey, you're this age now. Here's what's about to be coming your way. Yeah. Hey, you're going to be tempted in this way. Like, here's this. Here is the way my son's going out on, on, on to his first dance last year. Here is how you honor somebody else's daughter. Yeah. Right. But those, like we have those kind of moments, right? But they're not one and done events. Yeah. Sexuality has to be, and I'm talking about sexuality, like everything from, like I say, like your wife going, hey, put some underwear on. I can see your wang dang all the way through your shorts. Right? No. Right. Like that all the way to, hey, you're 18. You're about to go to college. Here's what's about to happen. Or you're 16 and you're about to go on your first date. Yeah. I want to walk you through some choices I want you to make today before you head into that car. Right? Right. Right. And it opens up the door for more, you know, understanding more and them, you know, receiving it better. Yes. And telling the 13 year olds, of course you want to see naked people. Of course. Right. Awesome. And there's a context for it. Right. Right. And so, leading with that, my God, dude, you're talking about a transformation of a generation. You are teaching your kids that you're always the same place. You're always going to be curious first instead of that stupid, let's move on. And about all kinds of topics. But as for you and this one, man, I'm so, so proud of you, dude. Amazing, amazing, amazing, amazing, amazing. Now, now you got to go make it happen. I'm grateful for you, we come back. We talk to a woman who is torn between protecting her peace and preserving her husband's relationship with his dad. This time of year, we're giving away our time, our money, and sometimes without meaning to, we're giving away something way more personal, our personal data. And this is why I use and recommend delete me. I like a good deal as much as the next guy, but I want you to remember that every email, click, every newsletter signup you do this holiday season is yet another piece of your personal life that you're handing to someone else. And that information often doesn't stay with them. Shady data brokers, grab it, bundle it, and sell it, your name, your phone number, your address, all of it's floating around out there in some digital wilderness. And that's how you end up with all those spam calls and weird texts that make you feel like someone's watching over your shoulder and checking out your digital life. If you want to take back your privacy and your peace, you need delete me. They're like a digital cleaning crew. They find your information on these data broker sites, they get it removed, and they keep it gone. Peace does not just come from turning off notifications. It comes from knowing your data is not for sale. And right now you can get 20% off your annual plan when you go to joindeleteme.com slash Deloni. That's join, J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloni. All right, St. Louis, Missouri. Let's talk to the great and wonderful Nicole. What's up, Nicole? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing okay. I'm a little nervous, but I'm happy to be talking to you. I'm glad you called. What's up? Yeah, yeah. So about seven months ago, my husband and I invited my father-in-law over for dinner. And as the night progressed, my father-in-law ended up drinking quite a bit and things escalated to where he ended up raising his voice at me and pointing his finger at me. Over what? Yeah. And so it was silly, honestly. I think it was just, I think it was a combination of alcohol and just conversation. And he's always been kind of a confrontational person, but things have never risen to that level of disrespect. So I ended up asking him- Did your husband kick him out of the house? So it's funny that you see that. So I actually ended up asking him to leave and he refused. And he just kind of continued sitting at our table. And so I excused myself from the situation. And after about 30, 45 minutes, he ended up leaving. Where was your husband in all of this? Yeah. So he was here. He witnessed the whole thing. And he did not respond in the way that I would expect my husband to if I'm being completely honest. Yeah, dude. Have you told him that? Yeah, he kind of- I did. I did. So we had a pretty honest conversation after the fact. And I just explained to him my disappointment and his lack of response. And just being on my side and something like that. And if he acknowledged that and apologized, then moving forward, if that something like that happens again, he knows how to respond and would do such. But so now, and I told my husband, I said, he's not welcome back in my home. I'm not in a place where I'm willing to tolerate that level of disrespect from anybody. And he agreed. But that was seven months ago. And so now time has passed. And the holidays are coming up. And he's been kind of pressuring my husband to see us. And I just don't really know. You always say what the next rate thing is. I just don't really know what that is for me. The next right step for you is you have done the next right step. Okay. Okay. The next right step is for your husband to go sit with his dad. And say, you did this to my wife. She was talking. I do not care what she said in any shape, form or fashion. Okay. Nobody raises their voice and points their finger at my wife at my kitchen table. Period. Yeah. Yes. And so if you want to see my wife again, my expectation is you will call her or go see her and apologize. Right. And there is no more drinking at my home. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So the next right move is your husbands to make. Okay. Okay. And if he does not want to do that, then he is, behavior is a language he is choosing for your father-in-law to never come to your house again. Right. Right. Okay. Period. In the story, conversation is over. Okay. And if that man calls you and says, I really screwed up and I'm sorry. I disrespected my son's wife. I disrespected you in your own home. And I apologize deeply. And I will not drink at your house again, which by the way, none of this is going to happen. You know that. I know that. But yeah, I'm not drinking at your house anymore. I messed up. I'm sorry. Then you have a choice. Your next right step is, am I going to let him in my home or not? Right. But you have made the next right step. Okay. Okay. I just, yeah, I, and my father-in-law has not like reached out to me at all. We haven't seen or, yeah. But here's the thing. I want you to also own what's actually happening here. Okay. Your father-in-law is not pressuring y'all. Your husband is pressuring you. Yes. Okay. And let's own that. Mm-hmm. If you circling back and saying, Hey, I'm headed down a path of just not respecting you again. Because your father-in-law is trying to hand you a cinder block and you're handing it to me instead of you handing it right back to your dad. Right. Right. That's, that's hard to hear. I know, but it's true. It's true. Yeah. Yeah. Again, I, again, this is going to sound counter to anything you're going to get on the internet. Right. So I want to, as hard as the Texas mail in me, right? Uh-huh. Once, I mean, I'm just trying to sit, as you were talking, I was trying to imagine what that would be like in my house if that happened. Right. Right. Like, and again, I'm over dramatic and I'm over responsive, but the thought of somebody being in my house yelling and pointing at my wife across our kitchen table, dude, that would not end well at all for anybody. Right? Yeah. I'm thinking of my dad. My dad. Bro. No chance. Right. And so, but here's the thing. I'm draconian on some of those things and I'm also irresponsible on some of those things. So I want to circle all the way back and give your husband, because here's the thing. If this is happening to you, I guarantee you this was the childhood he grew up in. Right. Oh, for sure. Yes. Okay. So we don't have to, but we could choose compassion with him. Uh-huh. And as soon as his dad gets going, your husband turns into a six-year-old boy again. Like physiologically. Yeah, I don't know what happened. It is. Yeah. And we could beat him up for it. You're a grown man, you married me. We could do that. And in a strange way, you could probably be justified doing that. But we also know that doesn't work, because then he becomes a six-year-old in your house too. Right. Or we could say, hey, I see this happening again as an outsider. Here's the next right move for us. Right. Is you standing up on two feet and you going back, taking that center block that your dad's trying to hand you, that he's trying to hand you. I need you to hand this back to your dad and say, if you want to see us again, if you even want an inkling, if you want to be welcomed to knock on the door again, here's that path. Mm-hmm. And your husband's going to have to go from a six-year-old to a 30-year-old man overnight. It's going to be hard. And it might cost him his quote-unquote relationship with his dad. And if your husband was on the phone with me, I would tell him, you've never had a relationship with your dad other than his dad got a lifetime punching bag. Yeah. Yeah. Right. I mean, that breaks my heart. Of course it does. You know, for my husband. But your heart is already broken for him because you've all been playing a charade. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, absolutely. It's always, yeah. Yeah. It's always like walking on eggshells around him. Yes. And so it's your husband saying, as for me and my house, I don't walk on eggshells anymore around anybody. Yeah. And if y'all still get financial support from him, I know 30-year-old men who are all still on their dad's cell phone plan, like all those are still paying their car insurance kind of stuff, then y'all are going to have to reckon with that reality. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's nothing like that. He does. He does speak to him on the phone like at least once a week. I mean, so that relationship, and I want him to have that relationship with his dad. I like, that's something that I, you know, I want for him. I know. But I want to challenge you on that. I don't think you're, I don't think that's true. Okay. I don't know that I would want my wife in that kind of relationship with anybody. Right. Yes. Where every week your husband is checking a box. Yeah. Basically, he's putting on a mouthpiece and putting on boxing gloves every week. Yeah. Yeah. Right. To keep the peace. To keep the peace. Yeah. And that's not, that, that isn't, that's not peace. Yeah. For sure. It's not peace. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay. So if you're, if your husband, like, by the way, this is very hard. If your husband wants to call me, I would love to talk to him, talk him through this conversation. But here's the thing. I think the path back to your husband is your dad is still, even though he's not at our kitchen table, he's still finding a way between the two of us. And I'm not going to allow that. I don't want your dad continuing to come between us. His dad, a grown man made choices. And so he made choices to disengage from this relationship. He then has to own the path back to re-engagement, which in this case, is a profound heartfelt apology and behavior change. And he gets to choose, but your husband needs to hand that cinder block right back to him and say, dad, I'm not going to carry this. You got to go set this down at the feet of my wife. And by the way, your husband is owed an apology too. I'm sorry, I came into your house and got drunk at your table and disrespected your wife like that. I embarrassed you as my son. I'm sorry. That's the path. I wish it was more complex than that, but it really isn't. And I can guarantee you, I just tell you right now, y'all are going to go this holiday season without seeing him. And I would further say, because he's not going to go do this stuff. I hate to be a negative Nellie, but he's not going to. But there will be grief in your home that he's not there, and you're going to feel quote unquote bad because your husband's not with his dad over the holiday season. But I'm willing to bet your home will have more holiday peace in it than it's had in years. Because you're not going to have a rabid dog walking in the front door that you never know who they're going to bite. You're going to be sad that there's no dog in the house. But man, y'all might have peace for the first holiday season in a long, long time. And also, I would say, I would say, I would say, and also I wouldn't do this show if I didn't believe in redemption. Maybe he does. Maybe old man calls you and says, I need to talk with you. And if you really want your dad to have a relationship, I mean your husband have a relationship with his dad, and you have this picture one day of this grandfather who loves your kids, this may be that moment. And you could decide to enter back into it with some behavioral conditions, but But, phew, sorry this happened to you. I really am. And man, I love the idea of a husband, of a son having the opportunity to put his shoes on, his boots on, and stomp all over the eggshells, cause I ain't walking on eggshells anymore. Cause that's for me and my house. Nobody comes in my house and disrespects my wife. Thank you so much for the call, Nicole. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I wanna talk about traditions. Traditions are things you do every week or every year, and they can be great. And sometimes they can feel like an obligation. The holiday season is a great time to reflect on holiday traditions, the valuable ones, and the not so valuable ones. Therapy can give you space to think about the old traditions that may not be serving you anymore, and help you consider how you might create new ones. And if you're thinking about therapy this holiday season, I wanna recommend my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists, and they're one of the leading online therapy providers in the world, and they're trusted by millions of people. They have an average rating of 4.9 stars out of five. They're just great. BetterHelp is totally online, so it's easy to fit into your busy holiday schedule. To get started, just answer a few simple questions, and then it'll connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. If it's not the right fit, you can change therapists at any time for no extra cost. This month, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash Deloni. All right, we're back. Something cool that happened. What's up, Kelly? So this is from a listener who asked me to, first of all, not say her name, and she asked me to wait until after Christmas, so this shows errors on the 29th. So now I'm gonna read this one. My younger brother got married this year, and I used your questions for humans, couples, and intimacy decks to put together a new marriage advent calendar for he and his wife. I included questions every day, date night prompts, and other resources to help build their marriage. Dang! My own 10-year marriage has been very difficult, has been very difficult, but the last 18 months have been transformative, and I feel that some of these simple tools could have saved us a lot of heartache. I love my brother and his wife dearly and want to support their new life together. Your questions and teachings have helped me do that. Thank you for the work you do to help people connect and grow in their relationships. Well, Miss Anonymous, thank you for being somebody that has seen your challenges, and you don't want somebody else to experience them in the same way, so you're actually taking action steps to help somebody love well in their new marriage. That's awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome. Congratulations. Hey, it's in between now, it's in between Christmas and New Year's. This is when I want y'all to really start doubling down on your friends, on work, on your marriages, on the person you're dating. Who are we going to be in 2026? Who are we gonna be? And then we're gonna start putting action steps on the calendar that are gonna back up these new identities. 2026 is coming, and you get to choose what kind of year you wanna have, and you get to choose who you wanna be. Love you guys, bye.