#400: A Most Puzzling Season

This is a Headgum Podcast. Dearest gentle listener, welcome back to the tawn for the 400th time. A place where wealth is inherited, feelings are repressed, in silence is often mistaken for yearning. I am your narrator, the anonymous lady puzzled down. This is a world governed not by laws, but by glances, not by justice, but by reputation, not by love, but by the simmering horniness that can occasionally turn into marriages. Each year society gathers for the season, a months long ritual in which young eligible singles are presented like decorative desserts, while their elders watch closely, judging posture, prospects and how well you're pulling off an unbuttoned ruffled shirt. At the center of this ritual sits the queen, watchful, amused and devastatingly honest in a world built entirely on polite lies. It is she who names the season's diamond, the debutant judge to most dazzling, most admired and most likely to get the most airtime. This year's diamond is Miss Arabella Riddleslock, beloved for her wit, love of games and classically beautiful space. Suitors have arrived as they always do, all noble, all wealthy and all eager to win her hand. Ordinarily these gentlemen would compete through waltzes, duels and boring conversations about the weather on the promenade. This season, dear listener, the queen has grown bored. The courtship shall be decided not by dancing, by dowries, but by parlor games, riddles, conundrums and mischief. Two gentlemen will compete for Miss Riddleslock's hand. One shall reveal himself a hero, the other something else entirely. Let the season begin! Everyone please rise for your queen! My ton! It is ball season, which means it is once again time for ambition to masquerade as romance. Tonight we'll do things differently. Two gentlemen will compete for the favor of our diamond. I will be watching, I will be judging and I will be merciless. Miss Riddleslock, please observe closely. And gentlemen, do try not to embarrass yourselves. Now! You're the one who said it's ball season. Oh my gosh, did I? Oh no! Oh, um, no problem. I can recover from that, people might forget. Mr. Bimblesbum, please introduce our two suitors. Now presenting Lord Percival Thistlewick. Tall, earnest, clever, arrogant with the looks to back it up and the heartthrob of the tawn. Not my type, but I totally get it. I mean look at him. Wowie-zowie. Now that I'm getting a better look, he's not not my type. He's from a rich family too. Colin Firth's looking motherfucker. Wait, yup. Yes, he is my type, he's gorgeous. Oh man, please give me a short speech. Lord Percival Thistlewick. You're too kind. Thank you for the introduction and my queen, thank you for having me in the court. Fourteen women faint and a bird flies into the window trying to get closer to him. I apologize for being soaking wet. I stepped off the carriage, I saw a young child who was in the mud stuck and I unstuck them and gave them a fortune so they could start their own sort of lineage in the countryside. But that does not explain why you are soaking wet. To the bone can see through your white ruffled shirt. Oh the rain. That would be my fault. Your queenship. I was going to unstick the boy with a chunk of water. No, it's actually too hard to look at him and then at you, the juxtaposition is- Sunsay the contrast actually helps me lord. It hurts, it hurts. The rain, you were saying something about the rain. Yes, me no. Oh is it? Can someone kill him? Yes, thank you. Someone's going to be here in one second just hold tight. My queen if I may please. Just right here, just right here. Would it not be more merciful instead of killing him to just chop off his arms and legs? That way he's punished but has a second chance at life. Lord Percival Thistlewick you are the light of the tongue. Yes, of course. Your mercy knows no bounds. So I'm not killing him, I'm chopping off his arms and his legs. Yes. Oh, it's okay with me. I care I have to look at any less barrels. How did people this poor get in here? I'm going to have to check on security. Thank you so much for being here Lord Percival. Off you go to chop off your arms and your legs. Make sure to cauterize the wounds. Oh Percival Thistlewick. Lord Thistlewick, thank you so much for joining us. You can sit right here as we await your competition although who could compete with you. Very good. You smell like oranges. I ate an orange. Him, him. Now introducing your competition. The dark horse of the season who rode up on a dark horse. Tricky, conniving, oily, grandiose, cunning. Not my type at all. Kind of a bad boy that you want to see if he'll change for you and sort of your love will soften him. Would probably look really roguish in the rain. Sort of reminds me of Clive Owen. Actually now that I'm getting a better look at him I can see him up close. I totally get it and I'm totally into it. Oh, I'm now smelling him and he smells like pine and like a musk. Wow, we are rich and hot guys here. Viscount Barnaby, Shifty Thwarp. Viscount, please give a short speech. Hello, Your Majesty. It's an absolute pleasure to be here. I'm sorry for my lateness. I was supposed to arrive yesterday evening, but I was delayed hunting in the countryside. You see, I was hunting the most dangerous game. What kind of dangerous game? Bears? No, not bears. Right bears? No, not bears. Something much more dangerous. Double-punched a bear. Dogs, cats. Years ago I found a deer in the forest and instead of killing the deer, I taught the deer how to duel with a blade. Dueling deer? No, dueling deer. Dueling deer. It just so happened that this was one of the most virile deer in the entire forest. So it did what virile deer do best and spawned an entire lineage of deer, all of them born of the sword. Now, every year on my birthday under 30, hold for applause. Hold for applause. Kill that man. Oh. I go out into the forest with nothing but my bare buttocks and exposed blade. Two women's fate. And do...kill those women. And do battle... And do battle with every deer that dares stand before me. Your Majesty, I present to you enough deer to feast for the entire celebration. Oh, wow. Is that why you're covered in blood? And why I smell like pine. I motion to my left and like a baggage train of deer with like impaled my various swords is like dragged into the hall. Wow. You brought a gift. I am most impressed. Bone appetite to whomever wishes to partake. And speaking of bone appetite, I hope that my bone appetite will be quenched later this very evening. Queen slides off her chair. I could kiss the queen's hand. Ah! Ah! All right, gentlemen, please introduce yourselves to each other and do a gentleman shake, a gentleman agreement. This will be all above board. Fiskant Barnaby, your reputation precedes you. You might know my uncle, Charles Danube. Oh, Charles Danube. Yes, I do believe I've made your uncle's acquaintance, but it's...what a pleasure it is to make your acquaintance, Lord... He was hunting on your grounds. Disguised as a deer when he met his ill-time death. Well, everyone must go at a certain time, Lord Whistledick. It's this a week. Oh, not the way I heard it, it's not. Oh, you were hunting in the countryside? I've heard you were hunting in the countryside. Silence! No one's going to do better than that. The game shall work as follows. Each round you can earn up to two points. You will earn those two points if you nail the answer. You use witty reasoning and show good showmanship. You get the answer quickly, two points. You get one point if you get it with a hint or several hints. You get zero points if you simply fail to get it right. However, I can award plus one favor for manners or minus one for scandal if you are out of line or say anything disgusting. Is that clear? Well, it's clear to me. And the only thing that is going to be disgusting is the wind from Lord Whistledick's mouth. It'll be disgusting through here. My queen, I don't know if you heard earlier, but in sort of a soft spoken voice directly to Barnaby, I said, hunting in the countryside, more like hunting in the countryside. And I would like for you to give yourself a point for that. Thank you for reminding me. Very good, my queen, if you deem it so. Yeah, you will start with one point. Hunting in the countryside is the new merch. Look for it on the Tee Public Shop. Very good, my queen, very good. Very good. We'll sell zero of them, my queen. Very good. In the Regency era, there were riddles of refinement. Each word broken into parts, each part offering a clue until it revealed the whole. Special thank you to my friend Michael, who submitted a lot of these to me in 2024, and was the inspiration behind this episode. My queen, when you said reveal the whole, just know I gave a wink. Ah, a wink, W-H-I-N-K. Very good, my lord. I hope the riddles aren't the only thing revealing the whole this week. My cow. I kissed the queen. How dare you, sir, takes off glove, smacks you in the face. I will not have such language in front of the queen and sweet airabelle. My count, a rebuttal? Well, normally for a glove smacked like that, I'd have to pay two pittance down at the local dock. But, lord Thysel, wait for me, I'll take it for free. Queen, he's getting off on it, please. We all are. It would be a glasshouse's situation if I were to take a point away. My first wetten's the wild to create new life. My second adorns a young girl's hair until she becomes a wife. My whole can lead to pots of gold ending years of strife. Rainbow. Yes! Yes, it's a rainbow. I was going to say leprechaun. Two points to you, my lord. I would like to donate my points to charity, my queen. Charity, do you want those points? No, I'm good. I'll need them. I've all said I'm meeting the deer like his corn on the cob. Sorry, my queen, I have only the seen charity. Never heard her spoke. I feel like I'm going to take a big step away from charity. Oh, my god, a beautiful face and a voice that doesn't match. Beautiful face. And they do like a four minute musical break that everyone knows all the lyrics to you and the full dance. It's like if Kate Upton spoke like Vinnie Jones. Silence! Two points to you, my lord. Very good, my queen. My first I would venture for. My second I would venture in. My whole is more talked of than practiced. Wink. More talked of than practiced. Venture in? Yes, what's something in the 1800s that you would use to get around? Perhaps on a longer journey. Oh, reputation. No. Oh, a long horse. No. A U-horse? No. Not a horse at all. Not a horse at all. A mode of transportation. A train. No. Big train. Do we have a train to the United States? Ah, no. Yes, a boat or a ship. A ship, yes. So now you know the second part of the word, a ship. Relationship. Close. What kind of relationship? Ship. Courtship. A courtship. Not a courtship. Fuck my ass. Who's someone you would venture for? Someone you would do something nice for? Something you'd like to hang out with. Thank you, my love. I feel like I could really grab an ale with you, my queen. Oh, thank you. You've got a Joe the Plumber vibe. My queen. I'm sort of a hockey mom. Someone you would... Do you remember Sarah Payton? Yes, I do remember, yes. Yes, very good, my queen. Someone you would want to hang out with? Can you repeat the riddle one more time, my queen? Whistle ship. Nope. What are you listening for? Thistlewick is your name. Are you one well? Are you saying that your name is Lord Whistle Ship? My queen, would you repeat the riddle, please? Just... I don't remember. My queen, is this a hint or is this sort of a jeopardy style? Is this a theme song? Is this a theme song to something? In me. Oh, a friendship. A friendship. A friendship. Oh. Ah, well, I think the Vi account said it first, so you can give yourself one point Vi account. Yes, because I needed a lot of help. You did, you did indeed. My first is somewhat soft and yellow, especially in the spring. See, after my queen. Oh, you think? He's just going to suggest bloodletting again. My next are busy melding fellows forever in service. Butter, something with butter. No. Soft and yellow. Like a miracle or a flower. Soft and yellow, I don't, especially in the spring is not entirely helpful, I don't think. Gold is soft and yellow. It's malleable and yellow, it's soft. I think we're more looking for edible in yellow. Butter. Edible? No. Oh, a horse. A horse that fucks your mom. No. A horse that fucks like your dad. No, not this time. What is edible and yellow? Fruit. Honey. Yes, which kind? Honeydew, pineapple, cantaloupe. I would say perhaps the most, or second most. Lemon. Yes, a lemon. Oh. My queen, but pineapples are rentable for 5,000 gold per day. My queen, would this be a lemon? How do you know what a pineapple is? Even with your wells, you should know. Would this be a lemon party, my queen? No. Would you like it to be? Minus one point for being powerful. Come on. For ever in service. If we don't know what pineapples are, we don't know what lemon parties are. When you rush to help someone, you are giving them... Aid. Lemon aid. Yes. Yes. One point for you, Lord Percival, this'll wick. When life ends you, lemon. What? What? Would life hands you lemons, or you inherit them? Might I suggest adding sugar? Several women start taking off their clothes. Ladies, ladies, please relax. It'll be a while. We have quite a while. My first is nothing but... This one kind of stinks, but we're doing it anyway. My first is nothing but a name. My second still, more small. My whole of so much smaller frame, it has no name at all. This one's very confusing. Yes, the whole has no name. But it kind of gives you the answer in it. My first is nothing but a name. My second still, more small. My whole of so much smaller frame, it has no name at all. Is this like a surname, or like a nickname? No name. No name at all. A name is in it. Name is the first half of the word. The second still, more small. Name... I like name tag. Name tag is funny. Walking around court wearing a name tag. Not as much as it could be. It has... Speaking of name tags, I do want to point out to the court that there is someone here with a name tag that says... Frank? What's... We the least messier. I am here for both season open to meet their wife. We killed the other guy, but we're not killing this guy. Frank the frog, a frog in full black and white coat tails. I escaped France, so I would not be eaten for my legs. Ten lady frogs, think. Bonjour, bonjour, champagne, bonjour. Frog! Is it... is it nameless? Yes! Ah! The frog said yes. One point. My first... is a contraction for company. My second denotes a recluse. My third forms part of the ear. My whole is but a quibble. Ah, quibble, quick bibble. That's what we call... That's what we call short Bible stories that you can watch on your... Oh, the timing of those short Bible stories was so bad though. It's because remember when it was during that plague? That plague that happened for a year. And I almost said that you could watch on your... and I was trying to pull a one for one. I almost said goblin phone. That's not what we're doing here. You have gum shoes and dragons wherever you find podcasts. Can you believe that Tubi and Quibi were both existed on the same timeline but were different companies? Ah, I just saw that Shakespeare play. Tubi or not Quibi. A point for each of you. A bonus point, please. Well, that's the same as having no point at all. A point for each is a point for none, my queen. And you mentioned the whole is but a quibble. And my queen, I would pay a king's ransom to see your... Oh, your butthole quibble. Oh, that wasn't even subtle, my lord. Your butthole quibble. I'll give them a point for that. I love that, my queen. Okay, new corn cert term unlocked. My first is a contraction for company. My second denotes a recluse. My third forms part of the ear. That's probably the most helpful part of the hint. My whole is but a quibble. Um, okay. C-O-R-P corp. Uh, comhermit. Ink, INC. Co, who's right first. What's part of the ear? Colob. Co-clear. Oh, my queen. It's three parts of the word, yes. Oh, is it colob? No. The idiot farmer who raises the horses? Why were you called an idiot farmer? Colob, I didn't see you there. Colob. It's, I feel like everyone's saying Colob, but it's Caleb. Your name tag says Colob. Oh, folk. It do indeed. What, name different parts of the ear. And remember, this has three, this word has three sounds. Sturrup. Uh, yes. In, inner, outer, drum. Yes. Col drum, con non drum. Yes. Con non drum. Con non drum. Thank you. Oh, a non is a recluse. Is there a non in the court? Oh, do, do, do, do, do, do. No, no non. Yes, just a woman singing. Carry on. What is the condition of life? From which, if you take all trouble, there will yet remain some. Troublesome. Yes. Two points, my lord. Interesting. Yes. Troublesome. Oh, and please give yourself one point for getting conondrum with a hint. My friend. Every, every time I, to use a polite term for court, hook up with someone, it's technically having a troublesome. You should not be hooking up with anyone outside of marriage. Oh, you are a man of society. You are saving yourself for your wife as she is for you, I am sure of. Of course, of course, my queen. I'm talking about, I'm talking about blow jobs and rim stuff. Oh yes. A gentleman's play. What all quibbles? Yes. Quibbles, small bits. In all this old world's days and years, my first, how bad it is. My last, how sad it is. Yet my whole the heart endears. Let's see, my, my, the first is how bad it is and the last is how sad it is. Mm-hmm. Um, hmm. This one's a little confusing, but it's from the 1800s, so what are you going to do? My queen, you can just say our time. Our town. Our town is a play that doesn't exist yet, but looking forward to it. But there is a young boy named Thornton Wilder, I believe. Who's... Kill that boy. Oh, never mind. Save us from the trouble. I don't want to watch two people fall in love on a ladder or whatever the fuck happens in our town. Okay, uh, like, um, Malady, would it be like a Malady or a Mad? No, something, what is, when you do something bad? A punishment, uh, off with your head. No, no. Um, you would be disciplined if you did something bad. Forgive me, Father, for I have... Or to sin, sin. Yes. Sinbad. Oh, is it the comedian Sinbad, the jester? No. Sinbad, come in here and do your full voice. I've often found that, I've often found that I was much less funny when I was riding my carriage. But back when I used to take the communal horse, I found I was much funnier. Did you ever notice how nobles ride horses like this? Whereas peasants tend to ride horses like this. That is true. Truth in comedy. Yes. Riding that down. Off with his head. That's something. Uh, sin... Sin. The second half is, what's the second clue? Uh, how sad it is. This, the second half is not going to be helpful. My whole, the heart endears. So like, um... Endears, just like my uncle. What's something that is like, earnest. Sincere. Sincere, sincere. Sincere. Please give yourself one point, Mr. Viacount. Yes. My first rule is the day and banish his night. Hmm. My second measure's worth. Favour or praise. My whole warms the heart and reveals what was hidden. Sunlight. You got what, the second, you're so close, but the second half is a different word for... Moonlight. Sunshine. Yes, sunshine. Sunshine. Please give you... I'll give you two points for that. My queen is speaking in tongue, she's a witch. She's a witch. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Um, how about one... Should I dose her with this big jug of water? No thank you. She's a witch. No thank you. Still the queen. Still that man. Good. I don't have arms and legs, so it would have been hard. Alright, well I have arms and legs, so we're just saying stuff. I have one arm and one leg. Alright, but this is not a show and tell. There wasn't an invitation. But I brought them. Everyone has their little trinkets that they love, that they're holding. My queen, for the last, for Sunshine, how many points did I receive? You got two points. My queen, since we are in the presence of a Viscount, could we Viscount up our points? Yes, we're in the middle of a round, but if you want to... Oh, my queen, I apologize, in the middle of a round. Row, row, row your boat. Row, row, row your boat. Gently down the street. Gently down the street. Gently down the street. What's a party? What's a party? Somebody once told me. Alright, everyone. I have three points. Now that we're all caught up, I'm going to do two more and then we're going to take a quick break. Yes. I have two sandwiches with cream cheese and cucumber and very, very mild tea. Here we go. I hope that's not the only cheese getting creamed this night, my queen. Minus one point. That one's gross. They're all going to be gross, my queen. This is a place of judgment, gossip and law. My second set sail with hope and risk. The whole begins with glances and ends with vows. Court. Ship. Yes. Oh, about to each other. We solved it. What a team. What a team we would make. In fact, now that I see your eyes, you are beautiful. Your eyes are like chip sapphires. Spray with water. Spray with water. You cannot start fucking each other. But... My queen, we were going to Eiffel Tower. Fair enough. If they have that here... When we go on a break, you can do a quickie in the name of heated rivalry. Very good, my queen. To honor it... I'm more of a challenges man myself. Mmm. One is kind of queer baiting and one is... Well, the Eiffel Tower, my queen, involves a third person. The heated rivalry thing, this... It does? Well, let's go on break faster than I previously wanted to. She's a witch! First keeps you alive. Though you rarely thank it. My second snaps what once was whole. My whole teaches poets their trade. Air... Yes. Breath... breath... Breath... Breath bud. There's nothing in the rules that says breath bud can't play basketball. There's nothing in the rules that says a queen can't be a part of the Eiffel Tower. Not in the spots that you think. Middle? Any spots good. Can you read the second part again, my queen? My first keeps you alive though you rarely thank it. My second snaps what once was whole. My whole teaches poets their trade. What keeps you alive inside of your body? Heart. Yes. Heartache. Heart. Break. Break, yes. Unfortunately, the lord didn't do that for you, Mr. Vi counts it. And my queen, may I say that heartbreak somehow feels good. In a place like this. Alright, we're going to take a quick ten. The three of us will Eiffel Tower and we will be back moments here. Frank, can you help direct us for this Eiffel Tower? Hey, bozhu, bozhu, get consent first. Cause it's essential number two. Put your arms up. And there's a zillion number three. Finally, I've crossed through fields and I've climbed through mountains and here I am at the great temple to ask the master. Excuse me, excuse me. Yes. How do I, where do I, how do I, where do I go to buy a car? How do I buy a car? Ah, you've come to the right place for we are the cargo rules. Yeah. And I kind of came all this way, but then I heard that actually it's a website and I could just go to the website. 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So it's easier than ever to find the right car and the right deal. Honestly, I feel like walking all this way was kind of a waste of mama. No mama, not a waste mama. Buy or sell your next car today with car gurus at car gurus dot com. Go to car gurus dot com to make sure your big deal is the best deal. That's C A R G U R U S dot com car gurus dot com mama. And Casey, I know I never do this, but I'm gonna need a clip of Adel saying no mama car guru mama. Yeah, I would like one too for personal use. Mama's for all. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. I'm so hungry. Does anybody have a website I can eat? Oh, websites sound so good right now. Oh, close your eyes and just picture like the biggest juiciest website probably made by Squarespace. Oh, yum yum yum. Oh, that's right. You can use Squarespace, the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. 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I mean, I love eating websites as much as the next guy, but is there any sort of discount that our listeners can get for building a delicious website? Uh, yeah. You can pick it out at the buffet of headtosquarespace.com. For a free trial and when you're ready to launch, sorry, launch, use offer code RIDDLE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Got my knife in my fork and I'm banging the table. Website, please. Do you think food.com is taken? Probably not. No, it is. Yeah, it is. Oh, dang. Hey, Aaron. Hey, JPC. Can you guys help me figure something out? Oh, sure. Always. Yeah. I have this charge. I pull up my bank account here. I have this charge. It says JPC tax $5,000. It's like a monthly deduction. Oh, I, yes. Yeah, it should be good. No, no, I add a go to your Rocket Money app and have them cancel that for you. Oh, thank God. We signed up for the free trial like three months ago and then we forgot about it. And I, I noticed it. I got like a ping for Rocket Money on my email and they let me know that I had been paying for. Lost another one to Rocket Money. Oh man. Yeah. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Unless you're me with the JPC tax and then your savings are dwindling. With Rocket Money, you can do automatic transaction categorization across your accounts plus customizable categories and tags to reveal spending patterns and add context. Also, if you have like an event coming up like something that like a wedding or some monumental expense, it helps you plan and save for something like that. The app consolidates checking savings, loans and investments into a single dashboard to give users a clear view of their financial picture. I've been using Rocket Money for years and years, way before they were ever a sponsor and I love how easy it is to read and how intuitive it is. Yeah, I love Rocket Money, but Aaron, I do hate that voice. Was that JPC? It sounded like a Rumpelstiltskin type voice. Did you hear that? Yeah. No, so that's just like, that's a voice alert I have on my phone every time someone unsubscribes to the JPC tax. I don't know where it's from or how to turn it off. Oh, that's kind of scary. We'll get with that later. Yeah. Well, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com.riddl. That's rocketmoney.com.riddl. Rocketmoney.com.riddl. Lost another one to Rocket Money. Yeah, that's not even coming from your phone. Yeah, is that coming from inside of our heads maybe? Yeah, like heaven maybe? Yoics, blakes. JPC, it's that time of the year where all of my goals have kind of gone out the window because I am busy, busy, busy, busy, busy. 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I look it, I look tired, I look it. Look, Aaron, for a limited time, and that might be all you have, Tempo is offering my listeners 60% off your first box. Just go to tempomeals.com slash riddle. That's tempomeals.com slash riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E, for 60% off your first box. Tempomeals.com slash riddle, rules and restrictions may apply. I look it, I look it. Aaron, you're standing in front of a mirror. I look it. They do exist! Right, where were we? That was quite exquisite. I don't know what I was fingering. You or the sandwiches? Lix's fingers wear gloves. Oh God, my first is what a clock eternally shows. My second is less than many. My whole is praised far more than it deserves. Time few. Face time. What is something that is always on a clock? Hands. A hand! Hands all of your body. My second is less than many. A few. A hand few. Bless you. Handsome. Handsome. Yes. You guys, has anyone ever told you you guys are hand few? My God. One woman who was having a stroke. Ah yes, yes, yes. If I count you can award yourself one point for that. Ah, good. Ay, my first is a bitch I swear. She's a witch. She's being a witch a lot. My queen. Yes. I do have news from the east. Oh, news from the east? A war has started. Excuse me. Put it on my desk for Monday. We are in the middle of something. We're trying to get one woman, one husband. I'm so sorry. And that's sort of seemingly my focus. It's after noon on Friday. This could wait till Monday. This could wait till Monday, right? It's 4 p.m. on a Friday. If they're going to wage war, they're not expecting us to respond till Monday. Do you know what I mean? Of course, my lady. I mean technically, my lady, that's when they would attack, knowing that they've got a 4-48 hours to do. Right, but they're not going to do, they're not going to give up their weekend. Their weekend. Oh, my queen, a flaming arrow just entered my thigh. All right, then just take it, take as many as it takes. All right? It's a Friday. My queen. It's ball season. This is my favorite time of the year. My queen, I've got a flaming arrow near my thigh as well, and I simply must finish this game so that I can expose the prick of the arrow if you know what I'm saying, my queen. Oh, you've been hit. Let me suck out the poison. Oh, yes, wait, take another 10. Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot. Those noises are unrelated. All right, last one of this round. Let's keep it moving, shall we? Yes, let's do it. My first follows night, whether invited or not. My second wanders without feet. My whole steals time while pretending to give hope. Moonshare. Day, day-o. Day something. Day walker, blade. Blade, the Black Hunter of Vampires. My queen, Wesley Snipes is a day walker. He is part human and part vampire. He can walk during the day when most vampires can go outside. Go outside. That is your last warning, my lord. My queen, have you seen Blade Trinity? I think you'd really like one particular frame from that movie, my queen. All right, hold on. My queen is holding up a poster board. Day what? My whole steals time while pretending to give hope. Daylight. Day thief. Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot. Daybreak. Day song, day. Man. The musical clues are so confusing. Day dreamer, day dreamer. Day dream. Thank you, my lord. They are not confusing if you know the songs. That's right. When I play heads up at any sort of family gathering or party, I'm good at the hum. I'm generous, I'm generous. I'm generous, I'm generous. Hum once. I can do the humming. I'm good at humming to get people to guess a song. My queen, I never doubted for a minute that you would be the best in the kingdom at doing a hummer. Hum break. Thank you. One point for you. Hum break. Hold on. What's the rules? Because that was also pretty nasty. I feel like I keep- I don't know. At least it was more subtle than the others. You're right. Minus one for that point I just gave you. You're going to fight the points and you won't get the points. Now I don't remember every point. I would like each of you to pick a song, hum it for me, and whoever does a better job will be rewarded two points. Who would like to go first? I insist that the Viscount goes first. Are we picking any song or a song that we think you will know? Yes, and then you will hum it by account and then I will guess what it is. It is in the spirit of the show because I don't think either of you have watched a lick of it, but they put today's hits and they hand it to an orchestra and then the orchestra will play like Thank You Next or something. And you're like, is that Thank You Next during this ball scene? They played Put Pitbull Season 3 in a scene where a woman is getting fingered in a carriage. Seriously? They play an orchestral version of- A woman was fingered in a carriage? Penelope Featherington was fingered in a carriage by Colin Bridgerton. Is this like Clue? The least attractive of the Bridgerton brothers to the song- Fingers don't have faces by Queen Penelope Featherington in a carriage with the fingers. Fingers don't have faces is the funniest thing you've said all episode. One point for you. Thank you, Michael. Hum a song and I will guess what it is. I've been nasty all episodes sometimes. Then take the point away. Don't give yourself the point. I'm trying to give you a point for saying something funny. You know what? A point to you, my lord, for showing decorum and decency. Two points to lord whistle-ship. It's- my lady, I'm ready. I'm ready to do my Hummer to you as well. All right, Viscount, you're up. We are not, we, on our 400th episode, bringing up 5 for fighting, again. Fifty minutes still time for you. All right, not great, you weren't going the right tempo. Lord, this is it. Wait, I thought the whole point was to do it in the style of like the strings and all of that. No, I did say that, you're right. I'll report points at the end of here and you'll see if you'll get them. My queen, I just have to say, I did watch, how do I say this, not my wife, watched some of Bridgeton. So I do know a little bit about, it's not just the Pitbull song, they do it Bridgeton style. Yes, they do. Okay, yes. The makers don't have faces. This will work, whatever you're ready. Okay. I'm up here. Why do I feel like I'm at some sort of sporting event? Why do I feel like someone's about to spill a beer on me? What is it, what is the name of that song? It's from another nation, my queen. I thought that was That's seven nation army, this is zombie nation. They're here, they're getting closer, the seven nation army. There's several nations, my queen, in fact, I believe one of them is at war with us. Again, on Monday, if the war is that important, it will be there on Monday. I thought, I thought you were going to go, something tells me my queen would know that, but, we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we that we've brought up 400 times in as many episodes. I don't know what ever you mean. I don't either. Let's do a quick score check. Everybody give me an update on where you are at. My queen unless I've miscounted which could be reasonable concern because obviously I failed school because all my teachers slept with me. Of course. I have nine points my queen. My queen unless I've miscounted just a little joke on the way Vi counters spelled. I believe I have. Hold on. You could have a point. Okay I believe now I have six points. But I'll say I have been losing and gaining a lot of points and doing it to myself. So if you're listening and you know how many points I have and that's a little bit off I hate guys. I really apologize. I was legitimately trying this time. It sounds like Lord Thistlewick is in the lead. Congratulations sir. My queen is only at your behest and due to your grace that I have any points at all. My mama. Very good. Very good. Suck it up to me. A strategy that I learned from Sir Bradley of Pitt from the F1 region is that sometimes it's better to draft behind your opponent so that you may overtake them. Ah draft behind. I'd like to F1. How do I feel about that joke? Calculating. Calculating. Calculating. I'd like to F1. Are you saying you'd like to F1? I'm not going to take points away but I'm also not going to award that. I was honestly having trouble and I like it. I'm trying to unpack it. Now we're going to do two of these because I think these next type are quite exhausting. Your next round is letter deduction. You'll be trying to put together a complete word. Each line is a different letter you are trying to deduce. The way that this game I think is meant to be played is as it goes if you can guess the final word we will stop it there and you will get the points. Two points if it's sort of in the middle of the word. One point if you get it at the end. Ah yes. All right. Could we have an example my queen? Yes. An example would do me right. My first is in flower but not in rye. My second is in wet but not in dry. My third is in below but not in cry. My fourth is in rod but never in whip. My fifth is running but never in is in running but never in skip. My sixth is in y'all but never in ship. My seventh is in error but not in miss. My king was right this is exhausting. It is I know we're only going to do two. I don't know how to keep track. My queen. My first is in flower but not in rye. Let's go one line at a time. F. F yes. Okay. My second is in wet but not in dry. Uh E. Yes. Yeah it's got to be E because it wouldn't be W. Yes. My third is in below but not in cry. B. Yes. February. Yes my lord points awarded to you. My lord and thank god. My whole alas for cold cold kiss. It was February you get two points. My queen did you read the part about the cold kiss? No I went. Okay. I thought I didn't get to the end but I just skipped to the end. You know they all going to be long words like February. Oh boy okay. I sourced real ones so this is what you're going to get. Yes okay yes. My first is in dinosaur but not in motorcycle. Well that could be a lot of letters my queen. Yes. Are you pushing back against riddles written 200 years ago? Are you complaining? They didn't have TV or internet. They had to have these be so exhausting they had to take longer in your day. To stand up for lord Thistlewick sometimes if you push back a little it can be rather pleasant. I'll sit down for lord Thistlewick and I'll stand up for him. Yes it's the end stand up yes. These are getting exhausting. We've done one. My first is in bloom but not in moth. Okay I got a little bit B. B. My second is in apple but not in rose. I guess like a P. No. I'm thinking A because so far they've all just been the first letter of the thing. I don't know if it's. My third is in lily but not in crowd. Okay balloon. No. My queen is it balloon please. A great guess. Is it ballroom. It is ballroom. Two points to the my count. Isn't it better when you guess these early and I don't have to read all of them. My whole where romance is performed. My queen can we go. Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait. You could my queen. Did you just say. My whole where romance is performed. My whole where romance is performed. I know and there was a mad dash to this but technically. Lord Thistlewick got there first and you cut him off to make the exact same joke. So one point. To you. Me. Whistle ship yes. Whistle ship. If I count what did you like about the sentence I just said or did you have unbridge with it were you upset by it. No I just I just wanted you to know that I heard it and I didn't say anything about it. You did though you did say something about it. No no I just said did you just say. But that is saying something about it if you acknowledge it at all you're saying something about it even if just to say that I said it. I guess in a way then saying nothing is the same as saying something. No it's not they're completely different one you keep your mouth shut and you hold your tongue the second you're saying something out loud calling attention to it and giving more time to it than it deserves. I'd be willing to leave my mouth shut and hold your tongue my queen. That sounds awful. Hold my tongue with what your mouth shut. My mouth shut what do you think is holding your tongue my queen. Oh mine is a boy. Yes. All right actually we're going to do one more of these. How about that. Yes first yes of course my queen. My first is in candle but not in silk. Okay probably see. My second is in harp but not in tiara. H. Yes my third is in waltz but not in rose. A. A. Is it a charm is it a. My fourth is an opera but not in waltz. Chaos chancellor. No my fifth is in yes p. Chaperone. Chaperone. Yeah chaperone chaperone chaperone. Ah pink pony club. Two points to you. By the way that would be perfect for episode of friendship. I think well there was one in the most recent season at the four episode mark. Benedict Bridgerton is falls in love with the maid and she's running up the stairs and he's running down the stairs they meet in the middle. He fingers her which always happens at the halfway mark of the season. Give his heart like Papa John's. And I think that they did was it hot to go let me google this. What song plays while Lord. Why. Britain fingers Sophie. Why so much fingering on this show. It's mostly that. Oh no it's actually no never mind it's an Olivia Rodrigo song it's a bad idea. Yes is everyone in this show 17 because that's the only reason that anyone should be like fingering this much eventually you gotta grow up sometime. Don't knock until you try it fingers don't have faces. Yeah I couldn't agree more my queen. All right final round final round final round. In this next round I'm going to give you multiple tweets questions for something that Adel stated I don't know who that is just a man that he did not like in an early episode of hey riddle riddle. What is it that he said he did not like. Aaron. Yes but that was under his breath and to the side. JPC. 400 episodes Adel likes puzzles riddles lateral thinking problems Adel does not like. Trivia trivia. Things that you either know or don't know. Yes. Figuring since you are in the lead Lord whistleship. You made up these names my queen. I know and I'm doing a call back. Wait wait wait is he in the lead. Yes. I have 12 points. Whoa yeah he got 12 points. I think yes I got all but I got all the answers right in that last round. You got two of them right he got one right. Oh the first one was a warm up I thought. No it wasn't I ended up take I gave him two points for it. You ended up not being a warm up. So we declared it. We did he said could we have a practice one. He asked for an example. That doesn't mean I wasn't burning through a real one. Okay okay I understand. If you want you can make up your points here in this multiple choice. I guess I want. You're gonna have to buzz in quickly because this is gonna come at you fast. During the regency era why did fashionable women often wear high wasted gowns. Oh buzz. All right. Who got it. I think I heard the Lord. Remember you have to say our names. I think I heard Lord Percival. Lord Percival. Okay yes. This will work first. My queen they wore high wasted gowns because it was easier for them to say my eyes are up here. That is a great guess but you did buzz in before I gave you the multiple choice. Fuck. Say the word and I shall in my life my queen. No no no. My queen my mind was also going to be a joke here so I could burn butt as well. Oh yes of course please. For easier access for fingering on stairways or carriages. Mostly that. A to make it easier to dance all night. B to echo the styles of ancient Greece and Rome. C to hide forbidden pregnancies more easily. D because I the queen communicated my distaste for traditional corsets. My queen may I ask what constitutes a forbidden pregnancy? One that happens outside of marriage of course. How high would the waist have to be to hide a pregnancy? They're really high. It would be like. They're right under the bus line. Right under the bus right. Yes that's exactly where they're cut. If I'd say I'd say the pregnancy one I guess. Has my queen seen the room? I'm looking at it right now. Oh hi Mark. Is that your official guess? Yes that's my official guess is the pregnancy one. You did not get it right. It was to echo the styles of ancient Greece and Rome. How foolish of me you can't get pregnant by constantly getting fingered. What is the purpose of a calling card in Regency Society? A to propose marriage discreetly. To prove one can read or write. To announce a social visit or request a meeting. Or to challenge someone to a duel. I count out your buzz. I have to think it's C my uh. Yes to announce a social visit very good. Oh thank you thank you my queen. A point for you. Which beverage became wildly popular in Regency England? Cherry Pepsi. The only beverage to ever become wild. This one I don't think you need multiple choice for. What was the most popular drink in Regency England? Bulls. Not Mountain Dew Baja Blassey. Yes. Lord Percival. Champagne. No. Viscount for the steel. It's just the most popular beverage in Regency Times. Pretty obvious. Is it wine? No. Is it water? Tea. Tea. Ah tea. Of course. Yes of course tea the thing that you can drink way more often than wine. That's why when I say wine. You know what that concludes our game. Please do a breakdown of your point. Oh breakdown. My name is Barnaby Shifty Thorpe and I hear the point so I go. No wrap at the same time. You had the right idea and five six seven eight. Is it going to be music? Do we have a court casey? Is there a court case? There it is. Whenever you're ready both at the same time. Make your case of why you should win. Well my name is Barnaby Shifty Thorpe and I'm the handsome Miss Banner Court. I got 10 points that's a hell of a lot and I got fingered I'm hot to trot. If you catch me in the castle know that I won't bite tongue in my whoop. Uh my name is Percival Thistle. Rick you can probably see my dick or at least the outline of my balls. Hey everybody climb the walls. There's a wall going on it starts Monday. Today is not going to be mundane. Flaming arrow through the neck. Hey everybody hit the deck. There's a cannon ball coming from a cannon. I love wine I love the tannins. Taste the grass taste the air. My queen dairy air love that asshole of my queen. One equivalent but whole like the queen. My queen my queen would it please you if we did some beastie boy style set up for each other. Yes it would please the queen for the 100th episode. Do it again Casey do it again it would please the queen. I don't mean to give a flex but I am the best at six. I fuck balls. That's it that's it that's it that's it just that. Just that. Six. Six. I'm telling you right now just that ten seconds is making the best of it. Do it again do it again do it again do it again. Same setup same setup same setup. I don't mean to make a flex but I am the best at fucking. I'm fucking. I know I'm good I know I'm right I can fuck all day I can fuck all fucking day baby. All right enough enough enough enough is enough. That concludes our game you ended up with 10 points you ended up with Lord Porosofil how much did you have. My queen what are points what are points for tally marks in the air. Oh yes shouldn't it be connection and charisma and pure physical looks shouldn't your jeans dictate what your score is shouldn't my mother and father and their status and the fact that they came together and fingered each other all night long which led to me being born shouldn't that be the score. Ah it's almost as if you read ahead on my script Lord Porosofil Thistlewick. He could read. The score doesn't matter I'm going to let Miss Riddlelock decide who she who's that oh fuck she's she has like a sheet over her I forgot she's here and she's very mysterious. Oh man I thought we were going for the queen I've been doing nothing but in you window to the queen shit wait is Miss Stereo here she goes and she wigs. Oh yes that that's her with the big hat a bunch of rings and like an interesting bird. Miss Riddlelock, Casey if you want a new list feel free okay you have seen these men think falter boast and reveal themselves instead of whoever one deciding who you end up with I will let you choose and you may factor in whatever you please. My queen I never accept a man until he's fingered me on a set of stairs. Yes well. Only one of these men was against the concept of fingering so I suppose I have to pick the one who wasn't Lord Percival Thistlewick. A winner speech. Wait I'm for fingering. That's what you're doing. No no no that's what they mean. Oh wait you've you've been for fingering okay hey props to you brother. Well the thumb simply won't fit. I've been maxing out at three I've been maxing out at three. Two in the pink one at the stake of course. All right I was gonna say if anyone wants to say something about 400 episodes but I think you've said enough. 400 episodes that we've done for the riddles. 400 episodes with stupid jokes. We're opening up a podcast in Saint Louis. Saint Louis I had nothing for that. Dear listener may your riddles be sharp your dance is brief and your core chips be season two of Bridgerton Levels Heart. Don't come for me that's the best season season four is also pretty good so far. I mean they're all good but Colin Bridgerton's not the best. Thank you so much Casey Onni Parrot to Adel JPC and every listener for 400 episodes. Don't come for me sounds like a servant on the stairs. No points take all take all of this point. Take a bar give him freely. All right. Milady Milady now that we are done with the riddle portion of the show should we retire maybe to your chambers and have some hot dogs. Ah yes. I'd like to see a scene. See you in episode 401. Hey there dozens and owls. If you like that you're going to love this week's Patreon. It's a museum lock in. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com. Hey riddle riddle by joining the crew crew for $5 a month or starting a free trial or the review crew for $8 a month plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there. That was a hate gun podcast. Hey everyone this is Natalie and this is Charlie. We're from the podcast exploration live. It's really funny. It's really good. It's really really very good and now we have a YouTube channel to go with it. That's exactly right Natalie. You can watch full video episodes of our podcast exploration live at youtube.com slash exploration live podcast. That means that in addition to the audio component right you're also getting a video component exactly where you're seeing our reactions what kind of clothes we're wearing you know and there's a whole suite of dynamics and physical expressions that you can really only get from a full video body language experts to the front exactly so come check out experts in live either audio or video.