Listen to This If Valentine’s Day Stresses You Out

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. All right, this is my Valentine's Day episode, but not in the way you might be expecting. So before we get into the episode and our gift guide, which you're going to love, I want you to understand how it was actually built. I didn't create this guide or this episode by following trends or like guessing what you should want on Valentine's Day. I built it by listening to you. So I took your top questions about sex and desire and connection, the things that you tell me for the last two decades that you're still struggling with. You were struggling with it then and you're struggling with it now. And I organize the entire guide and episode around those real pain points. So you're not going to hear pressure. You're not going to hear anything about performance, not what Instagram says your sex life is supposed to be like. Every category in this guide speaks directly to something I hear every single day. Tell me if this sounds like you or anything you're struggling with. Mismatched desire, you got a lot of stress in your life or anxiety. Maybe you feel disconnected from your body or you're just struggling with intimacy or you just don't know how to ask for what you want. And for each one of those challenges, I chose thoughtful tools or products and experiences that actually support connection. Not to fix you, not to turn sex into another thing to get right, but to help your body and your nervous system feel safe enough for pleasure and how to show up naturally. So this gift guide in this episode isn't about having the perfect Valentine's Day. Because come on, does that even exist? It's about understanding yourself better. It's about choosing connection over pressure. And if you want to explore the full guide, you can find it at sexwithemily.com, slash read or check out the link in the show notes. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Okay, so if you've been listening to this show for a while, you know I'm not about random sex toys or gimmicks. I'm about tools that actually support your pleasure, your communication, and your connection. Well, that's exactly why we created the Shop Sex with Emily store. Everything in there is curated by me and my team, and these are products I trust, I recommend to clients and would tell my friends about. I do tell my friends about what I talk about all the time. Whether you're exploring solo pleasure, looking to reconnect with a partner, or you really just want something body safe and beginner friendly, we've organized it so you don't feel overwhelmed. People love the Dame Pillow for supported sex, the Magic Wand Waterproof. Oh my God, it's so good. Crave Vesper, massage candles, Joe Flavored Lube, WeVibe Touch, clitoral vibrators. There's just so many things on there because pleasure shouldn't be confusing. It should feel empowering. You can check it out at shop.sexwithemily.com and find something that supports where you are right now or just click the link in the show notes. Also, keep an eye out for curated collections coming soon. Let's get into it. Valentine's Day isn't only about romance. I think it's about connection. And that distinction really matters because romance is something we're told to perform, like this romantic gesture or this romantic dinner. But connection is something your body actually feels. So let's start there. And I know you might be thinking Valentine's Day can feel silly or frivolous, especially with all that's going on in the world. But I want us to reframe it right now, because if you look at it, it is the one day of the year to focus on love and connection, which let's be honest, we could all use a little bit more of. And recently, maybe you took part in this. I did a survey from all of you and we got thousands of responses. And I asked like, what are you struggling with now in your sex life, in your relationship, or your intimate life? And I was just curious because again, after two decades of doing this work, I'm like, what has changed? What's new? What is going on so I can best serve you? And what I heard was my partner and I want sex at different times. How do we keep things exciting? Why does sex feel like another chore? I'm just not in the mood. And you know what? It was fascinating. We're still feeling this way in our intimate relationships that we felt for a long time, and I just don't want that for you. So in this episode, we're going to address these points and some things that can help you with connection. So first up, I recommend if you're looking for something to do for Valentine's Day. Airbnb is available in most cities in the world. And they have these new things called Airbnb experiences. Number one, you could either rent an Airbnb for the night, which are probably pretty expensive. You could find a house you could rent out for a night that would get you out of your home. You could order in food. You could have sex in a different bedroom than your own bedroom. You don't have to change the sheets. You know, maybe it's got great Views are just an interesting place and you just get out of your same place, which will help you calm your nervous system. They also have Airbnb experiences. So in the city you live in, almost any night of the week, they have really cool things going on taught by experts or professionals. It could be wine tasting. It could be a tour of the part of the city you haven't seen before. It could be cooking classes. So check that out. I also love like a spa plan. You could give a gift that's an experience going somewhere like Canyon Ranch. They've got luxury spas all over the country. They have weekend plans you could do with a partner. And it really supports deep rest, full body wellness, and it's intimate. And it just feels like a very grounded place. And so when your body feels cared for, connection and desire follow with ease. So I just think those are some connected things to think about. What kind of experiences could you do? Could you buy tickets to a show? Could you do something that you know you both wanted to try, sign up for a new class? So that's what I want to say about connection and experience over feeling pressure to buy like expensive roses because you're buying them at the gas station the day of or paying twice as much for like a chicken dinner and you don't even like the restaurant's chicken. You know how they jack up all the prices on Valentine's Day. I don't want that for you. Okay, let me guess. You think you live in the very worst city to date in. A lot of you always tell me you can't find anyone. There's no one out there. Dating is hard. Especially right now with all that's going on in the world, I get it. But I don't know who said dating is supposed to be easy or fun. First off, let's normalize the feeling of not wanting to date. That's fine. I'm doing that now. Your relationship status isn't a diagnosis. You can be single and be perfectly fine. You know, there's so much pressure that people are like, you have to be in a relationship to feel whole. But that is so not true. We got to work on ourselves. We want to work on feeling whole ourselves before we're out there trying to find people when we're just not really grounded. What I do know is the best advice I can give you, O, if you are dating, is be the person you want to find. What does that mean? Well, a lot of times we have this huge checklist of what we want, but we're not even the person who would even attract that person. So take the pressure off yourself. It's okay to have a season of expansion. Enhance your community and your friendships. And if you like fun, take a comedy class. I'm literally doing that right now. If you're craving more depth in your next relationship, join a book club. If you're ambitious, take a masterclass. The point is expand, expand, expand. It's so easy to isolate these days with all that's going on in the world and with everything available on our phones. You know, I get it. I get why we want to do that. But let's not trash dating because it's never been easy before. But take a few steps towards wanting to date and just hang out with yourself. You might just find you meet some cool people and they've got friends and they've got friends and you have a whole new friend group and maybe you find someone you're into. But take the pressure off yourself. Another good gift is a free month of SmartSX. Give a free month of SmartSX. It's my membership community where I will come on there and coach you. I'll be talking to you. You'll be meeting with like-minded people about learning your body, how to work together. It's a very meaningful support for your sex life. Not another thing to optimize, but a way to feel more connected, curious, and present. Head to sexwithemily.com slash smartsx. It's a great gift. Another thing to remember is that desire doesn't magically appear. It is created. So in my little Valentine's Day gift tip to you, I want you to know that one of the biggest mistakes we make with sexual desire is treating it like it's something we lost and we can't force it back online. I've heard you say, I'm not in the mood or I don't feel turned on, but we can't force desire or that turned on feeling or make it magically come back. Because then that just leads to us beating ourselves up and then we feel worse about it. Now, I want you to remember there's a lot of factors that contribute to us wanting to have sex. Maybe the conditions just aren't right for you to feel turned on. You know maybe you haven been communicating to your partner and there been resentments that have built up Or maybe you lost a loved one and you grieving right now Or you existing in a state of high cortisol and high stress Did you know that any of these could contribute to you not wanting to have sex right now, not feeling your peak sexual self? So some things that have worked for me when I'm feeling like I just can't get turned on or I don't have the desire for sex, I turn to some fun tools. A fun fix is the enchantment gel by Sarray. I like to think of it as pre-gaming. It's an arousal gel that you apply to your clitoris that enhances blood flow and you feel it almost immediately. It's in a way that helps that arousal before your mind is ready kind of build. You start to feel tingly and you're like, oh yeah, I'm feeling that familiar arousal feeling. And what I love is it can help you navigate around a dysregulated nervous system or that disconnected feeling because you're feeling stressed or you haven't felt arousal in a while, you can have your partner rub it on you and it becomes part of foreplay. And it just starts to heighten arousal. You feel a little bit warmer down there, more sensitive. So just remember, you can't force desire, but there are ways you can work around it. So that's one point. And if you're interested in Sare, go to getsare.com or just click the link in our show notes. And that's getcere.com. Get Sarray.com. The other thing is foreplay that everyone skips. Now listen, foreplay starts long before touch, okay? Quick reminder, foreplay does not start with touching genitals. And I know, I know, everything you were conditioned to believe makes it seem like you light a candle, you rip your clothes off, and suddenly everybody is wildly turned on. Well, that is not how most bodies work. Foreplay actually starts way earlier. It's that text that says, thinking about you, it's feeling appreciated and not rushed. It's really more about emotional safety and laughing together and just feeling like your partner is really present so you feel safe. But here's the thing I say all the time. Desire is often responsive. Your body requires a warm-up lap. You don't just floor it at 9 p.m. because it's February 14th. Strength, foreplay is about helping your body feel comfortable, relaxed, open, which is why touch doesn't have to be sexual right away. So simple things matter. Slowing down, using your hands, incorporating something that you actually want to use like Coco Bliss. Coco Bliss is by Women S and I love Coco Bliss. I'm just bringing you up the things that I use a lot and it's an external vaginal moisturizer, yes. but I love to use it anywhere on the body. Think thighs, vulva, chest, and just skin-to-skin moments. You can use it for massage with your partner. It's comfort, it's hydration, it's sensation, it helps you relax. And relaxed body's way more receptive to pleasure than just trying to do the old foreplay, rip the clothes off and start going. So think of this way like it's touch-setting the mood inside the body. You're saying we're safe, we're slow, we're present. So this Valentine's Day, don't pressure yourself to be into perfect sex. Build connection first. Let foreplay start early. Because I think the sexiest thing you can give someone is time, attention, and the permission to feel good. Another great gift for this is the Naughty Gift Set. And that's available on our website. and oh my god I love this gift set because it is by Jeju and I love Jeju and they make great products and in this you get a Mimi vibrator which is great for all different body parts you get a massage candle and you get this truth or dare game of like a deck of cards and it's just in my mind has everything you need for a really fun night so that's a naughty gift set remember everything will be linked in the show notes. So next we got your nervous system is your sex organ. Yep, I said it. And once you understand this, sex makes so much more sense because arousal just doesn't start in your genitals. It starts in your nervous system. So I've talked about this, but I'll keep saying it. If you are stressed, you are rushed, you feel pressured, your partner's like, why aren't we having sex all the time? I feel bad. You're not initiating. Then you feel unsafe. And when you feel unsafe, you go into protection mode. And if you are in a protected body that doesn't feel safe, you're not going to get turned on. So the science-y simple version is this. When you're calm and relaxed and regulated, you're in this rest and connect state. So what does that mean? Your blood flow increases, sensation wakes up, and pleasure becomes more possible. But when you're anxious or overwhelmed, your body's like, nope, now is not the time. That's why so many people say, I want sex, but my body just won't cooperate. Okay, there's nothing wrong for you. Nothing wrong with you. You just need some support. So instead of focusing what you're going to do on bed, focus on how regulated you feel before you get there. Now, this could look like a massage, a slow walk together, a hot shower, deep breathing before touching, even laughing and watching a light show. God, laughter does so much for calming us. This is not in sexy at all. It's actually foreplay. Okay? So remember for Valentine's Day, your nervous system is your sex organ. Treat it with care and your sex life will follow. Next, how do you ask for what you want without killing the mood? Try this. Write this down. I love when it makes me feel it would be so fun, sexy, exciting if we tried. Now, most people just don't know how to ask for what they want sexually. They either don't know what they want, they feel embarrassed to ask, or they worry they're just going to kill the mood. And then guess what? Shame enters the building. And then there's this fear of offending their partner or discovering something's wrong with them for even having a request. And I got to say, for my over 20 years of talking about this, communicating about sex is one of the biggest challenges I see. And a lot of people think sexual communication has to happen in the moment, but it usually should not. Because sometimes that pressure to talk in the moment shuts everything down. So make communication sexy. We're never taught how to do that. We're rarely even given permission to talk about sex openly, but I promise it gets easier the more you do it. For me, I had to learn to talk about sex outside the bedroom, on a date, during a calm moment, taking a drive. you can open the conversation gently. You can even blame me and say, you heard on the podcast with Sex with Emily that couples who talk about sex have more pleasure and stronger relationships. Ask if your partner would be open to one of those conversations. You can even take advantage of my one-on-one coaching, which I'm offering right now. That could be a great gift for your partner. And if you're interested in my one-on-one coaching, you can enrollment at sexwithemily.com. Just send an email or click the link in the show notes. Listen, remember, asking for what you want does not ruin the mood. People think that, like, oh, if I ask, it's going to kill the buzz. No. How's it going that you're not getting what you want already? You might as well try. Because this really builds trust, safety, and better sex. Now, this is where some things come in that we want but we don't know how to ask for. Huge fan of permissant. It is delay spray for a lot of guys who feel like they're not lasting long enough, that when men apply this about 20 minutes before any kind of sex, it helps them to last 20 minutes longer. I love this. So head to promescent.com slash Emily or click the link in the show notes. You also, you guys, if you haven't downloaded my Yes, No, Maybe list, free guide on the website. It is such a fun thing to do with a partner. You answer all these questions separately and then you come together and you find out what are your yeses? What do you want to try in the bedroom? Do you want to try more dirty talk, more spanking? Do you want to try anal sex? Do you want to kiss more? Like, what are your S's? What are your no's? What are your maybes? A panty vibe is also great for this day, for Valentine's Day. I love a vibrating panty vibe. We have one by Oh My Bod. It's a foxy panty vibe. You can find that link in the show notes. Okay, let's be real. Confidence is sexy in and out of the bedroom. And when it comes to performance, sometimes a little support makes a big difference. So whether you're craving more stamina, full erections, or you're just looking to level up your pleasure game, there's a tool that's been helping people feel more empowered for years. Meet Bathmate, the world's leading hydropowered penis pump. These aren't gimmicks, they're FDA registered, backed by science, and designed to give real lasting results. At Bathmate Direct, you'll find pumps that naturally support size, strength, and blood flow, helping you experience bigger, harder, more energized erections over time. And because they work with water, they're more comfortable, more effective, and way safer than traditional air pumps. With just a few minutes a day, the Bathmate Hydro Pump can help you increase size and growth gradually, boost confidence in and out of the bedroom improve stamina and performance support stronger erections through better blood flow And the best part It all natural non and totally shower friendly You can literally work out your sexual wellness while you wash your hair It's iconic. Right now, Bathmate Direct is giving our listeners 10% off when you use code SWE10 at bathmatedirect.com. That's bathmatedirect, B-A-T-H-M-A-T-E-D-I-R-E-C-T.com. Use code SWE10 for 10% off. So head to bathmadedirect.com, use SWE10 and level up your confidence. Next thing to bring up when you're thinking of Valentine's Day kicking off the rest of your sexy year, self-pleasure is a relational skill. Okay, did that sentence make you uncomfortable? That's kind of the point. We all have so much shame around touching our own bodies. We go to the dentist, we work out, we'll get Botox. We literally optimize everything except for the one part of our body that's literally designed for pleasure. Then we get into relationships and think someone else should just know how to turn me on. But here's the thing I've had to defend for over 20 years. If you don't want to touch your own body, why do you think someone else would magically know how to do it for you? Self-pleasure is how you learn your owner's manual. It's like getting a new car and actually taking time to explore it. Oh, I didn't know it could do that. I didn't realize this setting works better for me. That's not selfish. That's information. When we touch ourselves, we learn what feels good. It reduces shame, builds confidence, better communication with our partners. And yes, this can include toys. Not because something is missing because tools help you understand sensation, pressure, rhythm, knowledge, helps you feel more connected. For partner people, something like Lalo's Tiani 3 is a great example. So it's designed for couples. Basically, it's a wearable vibe that you wear during penetration, and it's really hot. And it's not to replace anyone, but really you support shared sensation and deeper connection. It really invites just more curiosity, communication. You get to stay present together. So here's the gentle Valentine's Day reframe. Self-pleasure doesn't compete with intimacy. It builds it. And mutual exploration doesn't have to be performative. It can be playful. It can be connected. It can be low pressure. We don't want pressure around our sex lives because when you know your body, you show up clearer, more confident, and more connected. Self-pleasure isn't a guilty secret. It's actually relationship literacy. If you're interested in the Lelo Tiani 3, you can go to Lelo.com and use code SWE20 for 20% off your order. That's L-E-L-O.com. Also, if you don't know what to get your partner, get them a shop Sex with Emily a gift card. Just go to shop.sexwithemily.com and get a gift card. And then they can pick out anything they want. Also, I love Crave. I love their pleasure jewelry. They have vibrator necklaces. They've got handcuffs, but they're very like elevated and cool. They're like rubber or leather. Just check out the link in the show notes. Okay. The myth of the perfect Valentine's Day night. Every year, February 13th hits and people lose their minds. You're panic buying roses. the restaurants are booked or maybe they're charging you twice what you would normally pay and like there's this pressure like tonight has to be romantic or a relationship is doomed and guess what that pressure is a total boner killer so here's the reframe if valentine's day is supposedly about love and connection why are we doing things that feel stressful overpriced and performative like i hope this is the right things i'm doing here and everyone else thinks it looks good on Instagram, connection doesn't come from a price-fixed menu. It comes from intention. It comes from novelty, trying something new and being present. Maybe this is doing something new in your city. I mentioned the Airbnb experience, but you could find a class or a show, changing up the environment, rent a place, order in, you know, do something different. Or plan the celebration for next weekend when there's less pressure. Also, if you are staying in or you're renting a room, whatever you're doing, you might like our pleasure planner. It's a free guide on my website. If you go to sexwithemily.com slash guides, you're going to find our pleasure planner. And couples love this. They download it every year at this time. And it asks you about last year, what you loved or what you want to do going forward. And it helps you plan these intimate moments for the year. It keeps you both accountable. And it's really fun to fill out. So it's like about connection and intimacy and fun. because Valentine's Day isn't about pulling off the perfect night. It's about choosing connection on your terms. So skip the panic and choose intention over expectation. All right. When libidos don't match. Okay. Hands down, this is the number one issue couples struggle with. Get this. It's not communication. It's not attraction. It's different levels of desire. One person wants sex more often. The other wants it less. and suddenly everyone feels rejected or pressured or like something's wrong with them. But here's the truth. No two people want sex the same way at the same time forever. That's not failure. That's life. That's stress. That's hormones. That's nervous system. It's aging. But what really gets couples stuck isn't the mismatched desire. It's not understanding why desire changes or how to work with it. Because sometimes your mind is on board, but your body just isn't responding. This disconnect is so common. I hear this from women a lot too. You know, for them, it can also be hormonal or medication. And so this is where support really matters. And I'm so excited about this. I've just started to use this myself, and you're going to be hearing a lot more about it. All right. Filisi is the only FDA-approved peptide for low libido. It's an as-needed treatment. Okay? Meaning, you don't have to take a pill every day. It's not another medication. It literally is something that you use as needed, and it starts working in about 45 minutes. It works in the brain because desire often starts there, and it mimics certain neurotransmitters and helps turn those signals back on. I was, like, a little skeptical. I was like, I've tried all the things, let's try it. For me, it was a little less than 45 minutes. My body literally woke up. I started to feel tingling in my genitals. I felt warmth, like a gentle buzzing in my pelvis, my stomach. And all of a sudden, I felt this access to my arousal and sexual thoughts came back online. I had like a sex dream the night I used it. And I haven't had one of those in a while. I've never experienced anything like this that really gave me this like my arousal back. And then it made me want to have sex. And a lot of people describe it the same way. It's not just boom, creating desire out of nowhere. But this is important for you to understand. It's just helping your body feel sensation and responsiveness again. It's just supporting what's already there. You know, not a relationship fix, just a really interesting tool to have in your toolkit is Vileci. I'd love you to try it. Let me know what you think of it. And if you're interested, visit Vileci.com for full prescribing information or consult a health care provider about Vileci. That's V-Y-L-E-E-S-I.com. Also in the show notes. So bottom line, the real work is this. Stop trying to match your libidos and start understanding them. So you guys can talk about when does desire show up? What shuts it down? What helps your body feel open? And how do you stay connected without pressure? So this Valentine's Day, instead of asking, why do we want sex at the same time? Ask, how do our bodies work? And how can we support them? All right. Pleasure is a wellness practice. And I don't just mean sex. Here's the thing. Many years ago, I was at this retreat where they had us write down everything that brought us pleasure. So I wrote it all down, walking my dog, seeing friends, seeing live music, being outside in nature. Moments, you know, just moments that actually felt good, that gave me pleasure and joy. Then they gave us this math equation and we had to figure out what percentage of our lives were actually pleasurable. Mine, 3%. And I talk about sex for a living. I work in this industry that I love. So that was a huge wake-up call because here's the thing. If all of life is stress, obligation, productivity, and zero pleasure, why would your body suddenly be like, yes, let's have sex right now when you haven't been, you know, having pleasure in any other area of your life? Pleasure doesn't just turn on at night. It's something you practice throughout the day. And when you build pleasure intentionally into your life, movement, touch, connection, rest, your nervous system softens and your body becomes more receptive and then desire has somewhere to land. now even with all of that there are some times where i just don't want sex i'm human that's normal and this is where support not pressure matters for some people and for me tools like omg cream by wisp helps check this out it a topical cream used as needed that increases blood flow and sensation to the clitoris The magic ingredient sildenafil basically generic Viagra is what it uses And when your mind is open but your body feels disconnected, it just helps wake things up. You just use it on your clitoris, on your vulva. You don't got a forced desire. This just supports it. It's not a replacement for pleasure. OMG cream is an add-on. So here's a Valentine's Day reframe. Instead of saying, why don't I want sex? Ask, where is pleasure missing in my life? Because when pleasure becomes a daily practice, not a performance, everything changes. If you want to know more about WISP, click the link in the show notes. Okay, building your ideal date night. Instead of starting with how a date should look. Start with your senses. You know, Valentine's Day is often framed like we've covered around grand gestures and getting all the nicest flowers, the best restaurant, the best gifts, you know, all this stuff. But desire is sensory. So sensory play can be simple and intentional. Lighting a candle, using touch like nails, lightly grazing skin, or, you know, using a massage candle that when you blow it out, it has warm oil that you rub in a partner's body or using a blindfold and having a bowl of ice cubes next to the bed, paying attention to smell and sound and texture. These small details are way more powerful than a five-star reservation. So another thing is like, talk about what makes each one of you feel your best and bring your senses into the conversation? Foods that taste good. Music you like to listen to. You know, music you like to have sex to. Places you like to be touched before sex, like kissing on the neck. A foot massage. What are your favorite movie genres so your partner doesn't plan a horror night movie that will, like, you'll have to fake your excitement or fake your orgasm later because that movie did not put you in the mood. Now, if I never told any of this to my partner, How is my partner supposed to know? Why would I set someone up for failure by expecting them to guess what puts me in the mood? So Valentine's Day does not have to be about surprises that hit the mark. A simple conversation about what you each like takes the pressure off, makes the night feel more intentional and sexy. And when no one is guessing or performing, there's more room for connection, pleasure, and that desire is going to show up. Or try massage butter like Common Confidential. I love it. It comes in this luxurious tub. It just feels good all over the body. It is my go-to massage butter right now. Oh, if you like it and you want to check out Common Confidential because I keep talking about it, commonconfidential.com. Use code SEXWITHEMILY for 15% off. Next point, tools don't fix sex. They support it. I need everyone to take a deep breath around sex toys for a minute. I know there's this stigma. My partner will feel threatened. What if I like the toy more than them? Let me reassure you, a vibrator can't cuddle you, can't talk to you, can't go to the farmer's market, or ask how your day was. You're not leaving your partner for a sex toy. Toys don't replace intimacy. They support sensation. In fact, they increase blood flow. They help our bodies wake up. They help people orgasm who otherwise struggle, and that matters. By the way, toys are for all genders. This idea that toys are just for women or instead of a partner is outdated. And honestly, I'm just bored by it. Okay, can we retire it? Boring. When I introduce something like the magic wand with a partner, I don't just start with genitals. I'll put it on their back, their shoulders, you know, their arms. I let them feel it. Because here's something we forget. Our bodies like vibration. And vibration has been used forever. For healing, for relaxation, for therapy. Music is vibration. Somatic work is vibration. Even EMDR therapy uses bilateral stimulation. So yeah, of course vibration feels good during sex. So this Valentine's Day, let's drop the fear and the myths. A toy isn't a threat. It's not a shortcut. It's a tool that helps your body feel more. Remember, toys don't fix sex. They support connection, pleasure, and access. Now that's something worth celebrating. If you want to check out the magic wand, just head to shopsexwithemily.com slash magic wand. Next, sexiest gift is sleep. Research is very, very clear. Sleep and sex are deeply connected. In fact, one study found that for women, every extra hour of sleep increased the likelihood of wanting sex the next day by about 14%. So more sleep, more desire. And it's not just women. Studies on men show that chronic sleep issues are linked to a higher risk of erectile challenges later on. So yes, better sleep actually supports better sex. Which brings me to a personal boundary that I had to learn the hard way. I used to tell a partner, listen, if it's 11 p.m. on a Tuesday, I have to get up early the next day. I'm already in bed. Sex isn't happening. Not because I didn't care, but because when I don't sleep, my nervous system is fried. My desire disappears. Protecting your sleep is protecting your libido. And there's some small things that make a real difference. The temperature of your bedroom, eating earlier, a warm shower before bed, clean sheets, and yes, the quality of your mattress. I'm so friggin' serious about sleep, which is why I'm picky about what I sleep on. So a supportive, non-toxic mattress like Essentia helps your body actually rest, regulate, and recover. And that matters for arousal because when your body feels safe and rested, it's much more open to connection. So let's reframe it on Valentine's Day. Prioritizing rest isn't unromantic. It might actually be the most loving thing you can do for yourself and your relationship. Turns out, sleep is foreplay. So finally, I want to say this. Choose connection over perfection. Now, I asked you over the years of doing this what your biggest pain points were, as I mentioned. And like I said, there's the same ones over and over again. Desire, mismatch, stress, shame, feel like you're doing Valentine's Day wrong. So I wanted this episode not to be about tricks or performance. I've done a lot of Valentine's Day episodes. You can go check those out. This one was about helping you feel more connected, more grounded, and more in tune with your body and your wants. So there's less guessing for you and really anyone you're sharing a space with. If today feels great on Valentine's Day or this Valentine's Day, that's amazing. If it feels awkward or maybe even quiet or lonely or not what you picture, also normal. Because Valentine's Day is not a test. You don't fail at love because one day didn't go perfectly. The real goal isn't getting it right. It's getting curious about what you need and what kind of connection actually matters for you today. And if the only thing you connect to is your breath, your body, or yourself, that counts. So everything I've shared with you today comes from my own mistakes, my own learnings, and my lived experience. So consider this my Valentine's Day gift to you. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. I love you all. I'm wishing you a beautiful day of love and connection. Don't forget to check out the full gift guide at sexwithemily.com or just click the link in the show notes. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all at sexwithemily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or part of play. It is the Hera by Jeju. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind-blowing clitoral vibes Jeju is known for. Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G-spot. It's super soft, ultra quiet, and it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no-brainer. Everyone loves the Hera. And right now, you can get 20% off the Hera using code EMILY20 at sexwithemily.com slash Hera. That's EMILY20 for 20% off at sexwithemily.com slash H-E-R-A. So if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it.