Nicole Byer

I'll never leave your good bad. I'll stay the night and one night we came to work. We used to keep time at home, right? That's okay, because no one here is. Take me. Hello, teen beaters. Oh, my God. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. Glad I said that out loud. That is not a good nickname for my listeners. I'm going to have to workshop that one. In the meanwhile, I'm Danielle Fischel, podcaster, TV director, aspiring celebrity dancer Boymom. And as mentioned in two different little Wayne songs, I played Tepenga on the 90's Family sitcom Boy Meets World. And if you did watch that show, you witnessed every awkward stage of my entire teenage existence from 12 to 19 years old. From my first kiss to my first haircut, everything was documented and shoehorned in Descripts perfectly written to fit a 22-minute format. With the ultimate goal being its ability to sell things like toothpaste and luxury family vehicles. And so now, 30 years later, it's time to turn the tables. On Teenbeat, I will sit down with interesting people who have accomplished interesting things, hoping that a look into their un-televised upbringings can help me get to know them better today. I gave you my childhood. It's time we hear yours. And this week, I'm living a bit on easy street because I'm sitting down with a guest, a hall of fame podcaster, if you ask me, who appears to enjoy being wildly honest and open when it comes to her childhood. While hosting podcasts like Why Won't You Date Me, Best Friends, and Newcomers, listeners have heard pieces of her origin story with details rarely censored for embarrassment. And on TV, she's best known as the four-time Emmy-nominated face of Nailed It. One of Netflix's most popular game shows of all time, Pitting contestants against an unbeatable opponent, their own terrible baking skills. She's also appeared on Brooklyn 9.9, The Good Place, Transparent, and The Simpsons, and her 2021 comedy special, BBW, Big Beautiful Weirdo, is available now on Netflix, and for those keeping score at home, is also Emmy-nominated. Her confident approach to comedy has helped her become one of the most exciting voices in the field. But today, when she sits down with me, we're gonna focus on those more awkward, less assured moments that everyone, even those with multiple Emmy nominations, can never avoid. So welcome to Teen Beat, my larger than life guest this week, the hilarious Nicole buyer. Thank you. That's a lovely intro. I was like, whoa. Oh my God, keep going. I want everyone to feel as spectacular as they are, especially you. Oh, thank you. It's truly an honor to have you here. I feel like I should have met you a million times. Yes, because we have mutual friends in common. We sure do. Many of mutual friends. And yet somehow we have never met. And you are podcast royalties. So I love just talking. Were you a talkative kid? Always. Yeah. Always. That's how I got into acting and performing. I just talk so much. And my mom is like, how about you like talk on stage? Do the play. Do anything. And I was like, okay, okay. I'll just, I love talking. As a kid, all my report cards said, we really enjoy her. But boy, she doesn't like to stop talking. It was like a real sign from the time I was, yes. Same. I also was very nosy. Oh, I was in people's business. I was like, what are you drawing? What's going on? What are you doing? Where are you going? And I'm still very nosy as an adult. I feel like that's a good quality to have. When we call it nosy, it doesn't sound as great. But when you call it inquisitive. Inquisitive. Curious. Wants to discover the world. So interested in others. And they're still right here. Okay. I want to talk about hometowns. Okay. What is the craziest thing that happened in your hometown growing up? Like what's the lore in Middletown Township, New Jersey? I don't know if we have lore. It is, it's truly like a very, very small boring town. Okay. Because I grew up in Lanecroft, which is in Middletown Township, which is even smaller than Middletown. Okay. But in high school, a kid was driving in a deer jump through his windshield, which is pretty crazy. And I don't know if he came to school. Of course. That's so funny that I'm like, my mom, if he came, he didn't show up. He was absent. Yeah. A deer jump through his windshield. You wanted him to just walk in, guys. Sorry, I'm late. The craziest thing happened. Oh my God. I just remember people talking about it in school and I was like, oh my God. Yeah. But I think that's maybe the craziest thing. That sounds like the craziest thing. Was he injured? I don't remember him being injured. He just got a free absentee. Yeah. He never gave me a free absentee. Yeah. No way. You could have staged a deer. I'm like dragging a deer. Just a week later. Me too. Me too. Oh my God. Is that crazy? You'll never believe. At my school, the kids from Alpha Dog, you know, the Jesse James Hollywood guy. He was a successful drug dealer. He went to my school. Oh. Yeah. Someone owed him like $1,500. Wait, Jesse James. Yeah. Jesse James Hollywood. Who did it? Sandra Bullock. No. That's a different guy. That's a tattoo artist, maybe. Or auto mechanic. Oh my God. I don't know what to do. I don't know. I don't know. Sandra Bullock. What did you do? I don't know. But that guy had a similar name. Right. But you know, Justin, the movie Justin Timberlake did about the drug dealer. A kid owed him like $1,200 or something. And when he didn't get it, he hired two other young kids to go kill the kid. When they turned it into a movie, that guy went to my school. Oh, that's wild. That's like war lore. That's truly, truly wild. I didn't see that movie because this will sound really mean. But when Justin Timberlake decided to act, I said, and I don't believe this. Yeah, you're like, no thanks. And I don't support it. Yeah, stick to what you do best. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, you know what? I'm not opposed to that. I really did make one movie that I really liked. It's called In Time or Something where time is literal money. Oh. It really felt like an elevator pitch where they're like, what if time was actually money and they're like, write it up. And there was no other thoughts behind it. It's really funny. He also, the name of his production company or his, the one his mom had is Justin Timberlake. He's got a lot of time. I don't like it. Also, the Menendez brothers went to my high school. Whoa. Yeah, it was great. It was great. It was busy. Damn. Oh, yeah, and the bling ring. Well, did you grow up in California? Yeah. That's crazy out here. Yeah. Yeah, makes sense. The interesting people end up here. People flee from Middletown, New Jersey. They're like, I can't stay here. It's so f**king boring. It's so boring. Well, I mean, did you enjoy it? Did you have anything fun that you like to do there? Where were your hangouts? Who were your friends? What did you do on the weekends? I smoked a lot of weed out of a honey bear bong that my friend fashioned out of like a honey container. Right. Yeah, yeah. The little bears. In the plays after the plays, we go to Chili's. Truly boring stuff. Yeah, that sounds pretty boring, but I do love a Chili's. I love Chili's. I love you. Have you been to the Chili's in Encino? No. Is it special? It is always packed. Really? Every time I've gone, I've had a way to a half hour for a table and look at Chili's. I don't know that Chili's is worth waiting a half an hour for us. Have you read the skillet case out? No, no, but that's really good. Okay, I do love K-Sau. I mean, you got me with skillet case out. Anything in a skillet I'm into, like a Pizzouki. Oh my God, BJs. They broke them. Bold when they made a Pizzouki. They really did. Just no other dessert. I love it. I also love a butter cake from CPK. Oh, that's nice. Warm with ice cream. Very, very warm. They also have a apple cobbler with crunchums on top. I don't know how to describe it, but other than crunchums. Crunchums. Yeah, that's great. It's like, what do they call that? Crumble. Yes. Like a crumble crunchums. Yes, yes. Yeah, I'm hungry, which is why I realized I did a full detour into school. Okay, I do have one small concern about your high school. You attended Middletown High South. And I'm pretty sure you had a real strong grasp on being the most famous alumni. But now I'm a little worried about Olivia Newsy, the journalist who allegedly had an affair with RFK Jr. She went to your house. When did she graduate? I'm not sure. I didn't do that research. Having an affair with RFK is psychotic. Psychotic. Like, imagine that man be like, I'm in you. Hello. Are you going to come? Oh, my God. Oh, do you want me to hit it from behind? Oh, no. No. Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck. I look okay. You're way to the top. I'm sure. Go for it. But that man is disgusting. Yeah. They're quite a few real disgusting men and power. He looks like a old coach bag. Like, he's so nasty to me. They're, you know what? I think even I think there are worse brands than coach. You can go with. Pretty sure. Well, I use coach because they're pretty durable. So you ever see like a real beat up one? They are. That's true. That's true. Being so scary. Anyway, I'm worried that your crown may be snatched. So we're going to have to just, we're going to have to do something about that. Did you have like a celebrity hero growing up? Somebody you looked up to admired their career? That's a good question. Nobody told me I could be an actor until like junior or senior year of high school. Like it wasn't a thing that I was like, oh, I can do that. Right. But like, I guess once I, once I really thought about it, I mean, I loved Monique on the parker. Oh, yeah. I loved, oh, God. I'm trying to, oh, I loved a different world. A different world was great. I loved living single. Living single was like, living single is a great show. It's a perfect show. Yeah. I love it so much. And then the movie I loved the, I, oh, we'll be Goldberg. This is wild. It took me so long to get there because my favorite movie is Ghost. I think it's a romcom. People disagree and say it's a thriller. And I'm like, yeah, but it's really funny. And there's a romance. Yes. I actually agree with you. Right. That every moment, we'll be Goldberg. Because it is just so deeply funny to me. Yes. Yes. Yes. Sister Act was another favorite one. My cousin Vinnie. I love Marissa Tomey in it. Coming to America with Wootby Goldberg and Ted Danson. That's such a good movie. Yes. Wootby Goldberg. Okay. Wootby Goldberg. That makes sense. I can see the comedy inspiration there. My kids really love John Cena, who I know you worked with. He's the best. You co-hosted the reboot of White Bout with him. He seems like he's the best. And my kids think he's the greatest thing ever. He's so deeply funny. He's a very funny man. He also has zero ego. Like, he'll take a line read from a producer. Like he's just, like he, he's there to service the, like, the greater good, if you will, like the show, the product. Like he's like, I'm just a vessel to relay what the joke that you want to relay. He also is very inquisitive and he also remembers names. He remembers crew members names. Like he was just so wonderful. Yeah. He's just a kind, kind person. I love those stories. I feel like the more we can talk about those stories and highlight the people who, you know, have good reputations. Ooh, the bad week is we hear so many bad guys. I love hearing about naughty people. I love a misbehaving adult. Like I love it so much. That's how you, John Cena, truly changed my perspective on like being in the public eye. Like I didn't love taking pictures with people and I always found it to be really awkward and he was like, if somebody wants a picture with you, what does that do to you? How does that take away from your day? Don't you get to continue and after? He's like, if that's, if someone is so excited to meet you, why wouldn't you make their day? And I was like, oh my God. Yeah, right. You're so right. Why am I being so weird about it? Yeah. I think one of the things that makes me feel weird about people when, when I do feel weird about it is always that my first thought is about whether or not it's bothering the people I'm with. My first thought's always like, sorry. I, I, and the worst you to probably don't want to invite me to anything ever again, right? Like I've ruined this for you. It's your birthday. And people are coming up and asking me for a picture like I, I suck, right? That's always my first thought. But he's, he's right. I mean, what an honor that people actually care enough. Yes. I really had to think about it. I'm like, who am I doing jokes for? Well, what am I trying to like, if somebody likes it, then that's, that's why I'm doing it. That's the whole purpose. That's the point of it. That's the point of it. That's the point of it. That's the point of it. Go where your friends growing up. What were your friends like? Did you were you in a click? Yes. So I don't know if you did this growing up. So our click like took the first initial of our names and made like names for ourselves. You had a click nickname? Yeah, it was CKLEN. Oh, I like it. There was another one because I was in two clicks. What? And I can't remember the second one. The CKLEN I'll always remember because that was like my core group of friends. And what did you guys do? We hung out at each other's houses. Yeah, we had a lot of slumber parties. So fun. Yeah, we were just like, some girls were closer than others, but like we were all like pretty close. Like a Kristen, one of the K's, lived down the street from me. Okay. So we would hang out all the time. Let's see if I can remember. Katelyn, that was CKK. Kristen, Kristen, Kim, Lenn, Liz, E.M.A. and then me. How fun. Are you in touch with any of them today? Yes. So we like we follow each other on Instagram and then Kristen got married in Ireland and there was a reunion, but I ended up having to work so I didn't make it. Oh, but everyone else was there. Everyone but Katelyn. Okay. And you. That's so fun. I also had a little bit of a click. I think of it as being like, there were two kind of larger groups of popular girls. And one was like the naughty group of popular girls. And the other one was like the real squares. I was part of the real squares. Did you go to school with other actors? Like was it special or no? It was Calabasasai. So some, you know, there were other kids there that had parents in the industry or they themselves acted. Like at some point, Gabby Hoffman and like my senior year, I think Gabby was there, but I don't necessarily remember Gabby being there all four years I was there. Vanessa Evigan, whose dad Greg Evigan from my two dads, like she went there. But other, it was a big just normal high school. And I'm still friends with all of those are still my core group of girls. I love that. And very similarly, everybody had like there, it was like the buddy system. Everybody had their best friends in the group, but we were all still a group. And still to this day, there are like three or four of them. I talked to, if not daily, weekly. And then as the larger group of 12 to 15 of us, we get together whenever we can. I love that. Yeah, it's, it's really nice to have friendships that really formed before. Yes, before we started. Like people who knew you before. My best friend, I made as an adult, her name is the sheer, but we started our friendship before either of us started working. We were just doing comedy in New York. And it really is nice to have someone who's like, I don't know, we've just hit milestones almost at the same time. So it's just like we get each other. Yes. And someone who can look at you and really be like, I remember that shared history, knowing your family, that's a shorthand, not having to explain like who you are. What is the most amount of trouble you ever got into like in high school? Who in high school? Was I still in high school? I got arrested at Old Navy, which is crazy because they like pay you to take the clothes. But I love shoplifting. Still love it. Okay, I have to, I'm assuming you have to force yourself to not do it. No, I still do it. If I go to Gelsons, I'm taking a treat. If there's a self-checkout, I'm not scanning all of it. I don't work here. It's not about that. Also, Gelsons is so expensive. Right. There was grapes I wanted and they were $50. Are you kidding? But they went on sale for 14. Still too expensive. There are K grapes. They're from Korea. Oh my gosh. K beauty is now crossed over into K. You. K. We have K-pop, K beauty, K-fruit. Okay. But I think it was the summer in between my junior and senior year. No, it was senior year because my mom had passed away already. So I used to play a game with my friends, Nick and John, called grandma, what's in your bag? Meaning we would get back into Nick's car and they go, grandma, what's in your bag? And I pull it off still. All of my stuff. Oh my gosh. So I was in Old Navy. I think I was by myself and yeah, I was by myself. And I was just like, do them a thing, take them things. And then I got stopped and I was like, no. And then I was being not co-operative. Right, right, right. And I got them to say that they would release me to anyone over the age of 18. So I called my friend, Caitlin. And I was like, can your older sister Courtney pick me up? And she was like, we're on our way. So then Courtney, they're also white. So they're like, these aren't your parents. I guess they are. They're very young. One is 15, the other is 21. Like what? So yeah, she was able to sign me out of. Jamie Jail. Okay, so I have so many questions. It was Old Navy Jail. It was like an old Navy security guard or it was. It was like a secret shopper. I wasn't police police and they just like held me in the back. But Macy's in Harold Square has an actual jail underneath the Macy's. And I know that because I was arrested. I was arrested there. What were you trying to take from Macy's? Oh, $1,000 is Grand Larceny and it was about $900. Did you know going into it that $1,000 was Grand Larceny? No, that was just very, very lucky that I was stealing things on sale. Right. You're a frugal piece. Yeah, even even what I'm not paying, I'm like, well, I need to get a deal. Exactly. I want a deal on this as I think about the things I stole from the jail downstairs. I love that you were not being cooperative because I too also really had a mouth on me anytime I had to deal with authority. Yeah. There's times where I've been pulled over where I'm like, you should have brought me to jail. I was being so rude. Yeah. I had a police officer once say to me, I don't, I literally ran from him as a teen. I ran and he said, stop running or I will make this an on site arrest. And I spun around and I looked at him and I said, aren't all arrests on site funny because you're right. But like not the time. Not the time at all. Not the time to be a smart ass, but I just, but I love it. And now I wouldn't do that. I don't know what happened. Did I, is there like a part of me that should I try to get that back? Because I would never know. No, I would be, I don't know if it's kids or just being mature. It's being an adult going, today's not the day I die. Exactly. I don't want to die on this hill. No. And when you're like a teen, you're like, I don't know, I'll never die. Yes. And you truly just do whatever you want. Yeah. No, I don't. I think I would be more cooperative. Yeah. But yeah, I, um, I wasn't cooperative then. Remember I once got pulled over, this was in my early 20s. Uh, or no, maybe I was like 25 because it was here. And I had dealer plates on my little Honda Civic for four years. Or no, this was my next car. I had a little BMW, a little one series. I kept the dealer plates on for four years. And I got pulled over and he was like, why don't you have plates on? And I was like, I don't know. Who you tell me? You truly? And then he was like, I should like, I don't, he said something to me. And I was like, guess what? I'll fix it. And he was like, don't say guess what? And I was like, oh, now you're going to tell me how to talk. You're going to police. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, what? Right. I was in the wrong. 100%. 100%. I got pulled over once for tinted front windows. Really? Yes. They don't really do that as much anymore. But it used to be a big deal. Mine were like completely blacked out. And I rolled down my window and the guy was talking to me. And it was like halfway down, halfway up. And at some point, he just stuck his hand into my car, which by the way, you know, feels a little aggressive. Yeah. But he took his fingernail and he, and he like swiped it down the tint to make a point to me that this type of tint is illegal. And in his mind, he was writing me a ticket anyway. And I was going to have to have it taken off. I never had any intention of taking it off. So when he did that, that royally ticked me off because now I have a scratch on my thing. And so I like looked up at him and I was like, hey, don't do it. And I fully freaked out at him and he jumped and everything at the fact that I like screamed at him. And I'm like, what? What? What was I thinking? Like just take the ticket and go about your day. But also, you shouldn't have f***ed with your car. Just because you're an authority figure doesn't mean you get to f***ed with people. Right. I take it back. I'm so happy. I said something. But it's like, pal, just take the tint. It's such a weird thing where you have to choose. You have to pick your battles. I know. I don't know. I still, I probably should have been more scared than I was. But now be fearless. What do you think your teachers, if you could interview a teacher of yours right now, what do you think your teachers would say they would have predicted that you would have done with your future? Hmm. I don't think any of them would be surprised. Right. I really don't. Because I was truly so loud. I talk so much. Yeah, I don't think they'd be surprised at all. None of mine would be either. Not one little bit. I had a science teacher actually say to me once, Danielle, stop talking, pay attention. There's no world where you're going to talk for a living. Who had the last laugh? This is a podcast. Talk it. Who is the boss? Who would have known? Some might say he saw the future. Wait, I'm trying to think Mrs. Headsensky, my third grade teacher, she'd probably be a surprise because she just didn't like me. Yeah. She'd be like, wow, people like her. She was so mean to me. Also, I'm like, don't be a teacher if you're going to have biases against children. Exactly. Yeah, that science teacher did not like me. And that's, it's like, I have to be here. Yeah. Also, if you don't like me, it's third grade. Switch classes. Have me move. You're the adult. She sucked. Every morning, I'd be like, I have a tummy ache. Yeah, my mother would be like, you don't. I'd be like, you're right. Then I'd like go to the nurse and be like, I got a tummy ache, do you believe me? I'd go back to class. I'd be like, oh my god, with this lady. And she was your third grade teacher. Third grade teacher. She was so mean. Oh, my god. All day. Oh, f***ing day. I remember she had a black bob. It just sounds awful. But she always. She, she wasn't old old. But my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. LeBotch, oh my god. I really remember these people's names. She was old as f***ing. She didn't like me either. I also swear I had an old kindergarten teacher. My mom swear she was in her 40s. Of course. As a child, you're like 40s near death. Maybe I know it's true. I know in my 40s, I'm like, 40s near death. But I do think that she was older than my mom remembers. Because when I look at a picture of her, she's got a full pixie cut. And it's great. Absolutely, it's all great. And I'm like, I mean, I think she's older than. Probably. I don't remember whether or not she was nice or whether she was mean. I just remember. I remember all of my elementary school teachers first grade. I think that was Mrs. Rooney. Oh, you really do remember all their names. Yeah. Fourth grade was Mrs. Gizzy. She got married halfway through and became Mrs. Rosado. I was so excited to be in her class. And then she was a bitch to me too. Why did you have so many mean teachers? She gets like, talk so much. Right. You were a distraught fan. And I'm going to need ADHD. And I'll never forget. And fourth grade, Mrs. Gizzy gave us a math test. And I'm not great at math, but I am okay at like looking at numbers and guessing and working backwards. And then she was like, you cheated. And I was like, I didn't cheat. So then she made me take the test again outside. I did the same thing. And then she like, how to conference with my mom. My mom's like, I don't know. Like, you said you didn't cheat. You did it again. You didn't cheat. You're fine. And I was like, okay. But she was just like mean to me the rest of the year. I think especially with math, anytime you can get to the correct answer, I don't, you guess how dare you tell me I have to use your formula to get to the right answer. It's a quiz or a test. You asked me for the answer. I gave it to you. I've able to show my work. Even if it's not the way you want it to be. That's how I feel. Yeah. I was doing a new math before they started teaching it. New math does not make sense. No, it does not. My kids are in it now. How my brain works where it's like, ooh, just imagine that without that number, then you do the math. And then you add that number. Like, it doesn't make sense. Don't teach children that. Right. It's how your brain works. It's how my brain works. So it's like whatever. Yeah. I don't know. There's the way they teach kids now. It's so crazy to me. I know my son comes home. He's only in first grade. I did not expect to feel dumb in only first grade, but he comes home with literacy homework and math homework. And I'm like, what am I supposed to like cover up the word here? Show them only the last letter. Have them work on the site word. Then I'm like, what? What are we doing? And factor families? What is that? It's kind of, I think, part of new math, but I don't really know. But like, oh, 17. And then it's got two lines off of it. Now you have to break up all the different ways you can get to 17, calling it. So like, you know, 10 and 7, 9 and 8. And now you have to do all these factor families. It's a lot of it. That's the only first grade. That's the only first grade. Vector families is useless. I feel so busy work. I heard they don't teach phonetics anymore. Like sounding outwards. My son is sounding outwards. So at least out here, they're still doing that. But you know, we read a book last night where the names of the characters in the books were twig, tint, and drop. They were paintbrushes to be fair. But he's like, who are these children? Yeah, he's like, but so he's like, wait. E, G, twag. And I was like, no. Let's try it again. What an icon. Can we write? There we go. Let me go this way. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. Same thing, tint. T, E, T, taunt. Ah, so close. So close. Let's practice our vowel sounds. Let's go back to vowel sounds. And so yeah, I tried to be very patient and that didn't last very long. I think that's why I can't have kids. I'm not patient at all. I'll be like, why don't you get it? But they just got here. I think so. I have to teach you. I'll never forget right after we had Adler and you have this brand. And you have this brand new baby. And Jensen looked at me one day and he goes, oh, gosh, someday, I'm going to have to explain to him what rain is. It was like this deep moment that he realized it's like, he will know nothing. Yeah. Not even what rain is. See that's sweet. Yeah, it's cute. And then literally one day out, there was like, what is rain? And Jensen looked at me like, my moment has arrived. There it is. I don't know. Something about moisture from clouds and like, the sky's crying. I don't know. I think it's like, I've had three years. I'm just going to learn it. This is terrible. We're terrible parents. One of the things that stands out to me watching your stand up is your confidence. It's beautiful. Were you always a confident person? Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. I love it. You simply couldn't tell me anything. I, yeah, I, I also, I think it was middle school. It might have been eighth grade. I like get things in my brain and I'm like, this is what I need. And I remember eighth grade. My mother was like, what do you want for Christmas? And I was like, an oatmeal colored sweater and dark flares. Oh, it wasn't like in style. I had never seen it on anybody. But I think I saw it in the store and I was like, that's the sweater I want and I want those dark flares. I don't know. And then I, I, I wore it to school and I never felt better. Right. You just knew you had like a real knowing about yourself. But yeah, I've always had just, I would just do things. Like when I did the, the first play I ever did was a junior year. At no point was I like, I'm going to fail. Which is crazy, crazy thought. Yes. That you had no, that was like, well, obviously I'm going to nail it. Yeah. And then when I did track and field in high school, I did shot put, which is the fat girl sport. They see a fatty and they go, you could throw something. That's literally what happened. And like Jim class, Mr. Haynes, I really liked him. He was like, I think you might be strong. And I was like, okay, he was like, go down today after school. Talk to, what was his name? Carl something who is the coach at Torsha. Wow. Shout out to these teachers from Middletown. But he was like, go talk to him and see if he can like show you how to throw a shot put. And I was like, okay. And then I did it and I was like, good at it. And I was like, great. Yeah, that's what I'll do now. I love this. I'm an athlete. So I requested a big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big student, what is that going to do for me? So if you can be pretty darn good athlete, but not state champ. I mean, I mean, I got to go to track me. It's a hangout. I have fun. I had a great time. Exactly. I didn't go to high school to learn. I went to make friends. Yeah. Okay. The opposite of someone on a reality show. Same. Did you have any crushes? Oh my god. Were you all about? Crazy. Same. Boy boy boy. Crazy. There was Keith. Matt. That was an elementary school. Middle school was this kid named Joe. High school was this kid named Mark. I loved Mark. Was Mark your same grade? No. Mark was, I think was a junior when I was a freshman. Okay. Or was a senior when I was a freshman. I don't remember. But I loved Mark. And in the hallway, I would just be like, hi, Mark. And then Mark had a girlfriend. And I simply didn't care. Yeah. Don't care. Break up with your girlfriend and board. He never broke up with this girlfriend. But he would entertain me. He'd be like, hey, Nicole. Right. Mark. There's something about that freshman year of high school where there are so many new boys. Yeah. To your eyes. Yes. And they look old. They look old. And you're like, we are peers now. Yes. It's like these are men. Yes. I remember thinking that life was never going to get better than my freshman year of high school for that reason. Just great. And passing notes. Did you pass notes? I pass notes all the time. Yeah. Again, I didn't go to learn. I went to socialize and have a nice time. Yeah. I pass notes all the time. There's this girl. What was her name? She was really short. We would pass notes all the time. Yeah. And then Hey, this one teacher who would like always intercept the note. And then he would read them. Then he'd talk to us about it. And I'd be like, well, get out of the gossah. Yeah. This is not about you. Get out of here. I used to leave notes in my friends' lockers. You know, like, I would leave notes also like the guy I liked as a freshman was Jeff. Jeff was a senior and he had a car. And so I would like sneak into the parking lot and leave a note on his car. And then he would always write me back overnight and give me a note the next morning. It was just so good. It was never reciprocated for me. Well, Mark and his darn girlfriend. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Where he is now. Have you overlooked up any of your brushes on your face? I looked him up. I looked him up a couple years ago. Mark. I think I'm pretty sure he's married. Okay. And then Matt, I haven't Keith's mom DMs me on Instagram a lot. That's cute. She's always like middle town's proud of you. Oh, isn't that sweet? It is very, very sweet. Well, having a Keith. Where's Keith? I don't know. I haven't asked. Where's Keith? You got to ask. That's it. I mean, for an inquisitive person. What if he's like dead? Yeah. Well, how'd he say that? She was like, oh, it's having a good day. Ballad. But also, maybe it would make her feel good that you maybe remember him and think, especially if you said like, always think so fondly of Keith. What's he up to these days? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Mike Lindy, that's another one. I remember that first and last name. He was so cute. Oh my god. There were so many cuties. I have only recently thought, oh my gosh, I should look up some of these people. And it, yeah, it's not always, it's not always good. Did you go to any school dances? I went to homecoming dances. I didn't go to either of my proms. Why? I simply wasn't interested. No, it didn't care. Well, first I just didn't reciprocate. Okay. And then I hated the idea of going with just my girlfriends, right, which now is so silly. I just went to the after parties after. That's cool. You were cool. I wasn't cool enough to even go to the, I didn't even know there were after parties. I just went to like all the basic bitch dances. But I lived for them as a person who was only in school for that occasion. I thought the dances were great. Did you ever go in a, did you go in a limo to homecoming? No. Okay. No. My parents would never spend money like that. Right. I mean, limo is weird. I don't know why kids go in limos to things. I don't hate it. I wish limos would come back. I think it's really sad that people are driven around and like suburban and escalates. Bring back limos. I didn't even think about the fact that I don't know when the last time was that I even saw a limo. Yeah. It's a dying breed and I don't like it. I'm losing the whimsy of the world. You're right. Like it's like someone was like, what if cars were longer? And then they made them. Right. And then they were like, we don't want long cars anymore. We don't want those anymore. Now we just want tall cars. Yes. Well, yeah, they're getting taller. They're getting taller, but they're not getting longer. No. I took Lance Bass to my prom. Really? That's so funny. It was, it was really, really very fun, especially the part where he was in sync at the time. He was in sync at the time. And I was really thinking it was going to be the night that I was going to lose my virginity. And he realized it was the night for sure. This was never going to happen for him. Yeah. And he was like, let's watch the green mile. And yeah, he broke up with me shortly thereafter and then ended up coming out of the closet. Not that long after that. Wow. Do that rock you? A little bit. Yeah. Because mostly because when he broke up with me, I was so devastated and couldn't imagine a world where there would ever be a time where we were not together. And the excuse for why we broke up made no sense. And I was just like, I don't get it. This came out of the field. And my mom said, do you think there's a chance that he is gay? And I was 100% convinced she only said that and thought that because he broke up with me. I was like, mom, you can just, I know, I just don't want to be with me. He just doesn't like it. Guess what? I'm gay. Exactly. And I want you to almost to hear. Really? Yeah. Yeah. But I, it was a perfect relationship for me because I was as much as I was boy crazy. I didn't really want anybody touching me. I wanted to like kiss, but I didn't act. I was not right. And that's why he lasted for so long. That's why it was like, I don't have to do anything. I don't have to do anything. And she still likes me. And she's my best friend. She's my best friend. Gossiping gap. Okay. And the public. I think that has a great little bit. Yeah. Exactly. No big deal. It was a real perfect relationship. At homecoming, did kids, did kids drink? Did you drink? Not at the dance after. At the after parties. Yeah. I was not cool enough to ever go to those. So I did not know what happened there. Again, I was a real square all through high school. When did you drink for the first time? When I moved out of my parents' house. Really? Yeah. I drink a lot in high school. I can't drink absolute vanilla anymore. Oh gosh. Because I would drink that just like straight. Straight. Oh wow. Yeah. And then I moved on to Stoley Raspberry, which I can't drink anymore. I drink that from like 19 to like 25. I smell it. And I'm like, oh god. Even hearing you talk about it, I can smell it. I can also mine. That's like that is peach schnapps. When we went on our high school, you know, you graduate high school and you go somewhere, you go on a trip. I didn't do that. Okay. Well, there was like a high school graduating trip. And they all went to, I think they went to Mexico. And my parents were like, you are not going with a group of high school students to Mexico. Oh yeah. Like cancun or something. Exactly. And they were like, you're not doing that. But my best friends, family and my family did say, we'll pay to send you somewhere just the two of you. Or at least we, oh, see, that's nice. It was really nice. It was very nice. So they sent us to the Bahamas alone. And we did not know anything about drinking because we did not drink through high school. So we did not know about mixing. We didn't know about what it took to get a buzz or to be drunk. We didn't know when to stop or what to start with. Oh, nothing. You guys go like hard hard. And we started with a collouette milk. As everyone knows, a great base for alcohol is milk literally started with a collouette milk and then went to shots of tequila. I think about four in a row. Just bam, bam, bam. And then shortly thereafter, met up with some friends who were drinking directly from a bottle of peach snops and just drink peach snops. When I tell you that my best friend had to hold my head up because I was just vomiting in my sleep. She was like directing my head to a bucket. It's a good friend. And all I can smell, taste anything is peach snops. Yuck. Never. I will. I don't drink at all anymore, not for many, many years. But if I ever get a whiff of peach snops, it's just over. Collouette milk and vodka is a white Russian. Yes. Yes. I do like a white Russian. But one, one, one. Yeah. Mm-hmm. My god. Do you have any horrible first time drinking stories? Or were you just an expert right off the bat? No, no. I was bad at it. I do remember it was like after a play. I drank maybe half a bottle of absolute vanilla and then passed out of my friend's floor and like woke up. It was a hardwood floor and just like woke up drooling on myself. And I was just like, oh, and everyone was like, you were so funny. And I was like, I bet I was simply don't remember a thing. But I didn't get like, I wasn't on benders until like my 20s. Right, right. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Got it. Yeah. And high square remember after the plays we would, we get a little lit. I want to go back to you just for a second to pitch the idea that you write a hallmark movie for yourself that is about you finding out what Keith's up to and going back to your small town, maybe to do a stand-up special or something, you heckle like somebody heckles you. Mm-hmm. Fights Keith. Oh, love. I mean, I don't know. I'm not a bad idea. But I simply will not be going back to Middletown, New Jersey. Okay. I did go back. Maybe like two years ago because I wanted to see what my old house looked like. Yeah. And then I was just in front of my old house and I was like, do I knock on the door? Yeah. I used to live here. And do that. No, I just drove away. Oh, well they changed the color. There's like, that's, and I know it's like you buy a house you do what you want to it. But I was like, that's my home. I mean, how long ago was it your home? I believe it should be painted since 2008. Okay. So 17 years. Yeah. It should look different. It should probably at least have a refresh. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I think they picked bad colors. Oh yeah. Then then you know you don't like them. I want to pitch a show where I go to people's homes and I go, why did you do this? Yeah, what is this? This is ugly. I don't like it. Can I make a suggestion? Why? Explanation. I need, I need to back this up. Back this up, please. Your love for Sonic the Hedgehog has been well documented over the years. Was this an interest from your childhood or is this something you picked up later in line? Great question. Okay. I played the Sega video games as a kid on the Sega Genesis and then never thought about Sonic again until the movie came out. And I think it came out during the pandemic. I think I don't remember. I just remember watching it on my floor and I started sobbing at one part because I was like, my god, Sonic moves too fast to have like meaningful relic. Oh my god. Sometimes I feel like I move too fast. I know Sonic is me. And then I finished the movie and just started it again and watched it a second time and I was like, I'm like, credit. Oh, and then I was like, I just love Sonic. And then I like the second one. And then the third one, have you seen them? Yes. The third one takes a turn. It's very dark. I know. It's like John Wick for kids. It is. And that's the one with shadow. Yes. And they got John Wick to be shadow. And I just, I really like them. I think it's such a fun franchise. I do too. I love them. And my kids love them. One thing I did not like is in Sonic 3 when Jim Carrey's character, Dr. Robotnik is a caught off guard. And he's like playing the bongos on his belly. He's been the chair round. We saw that in the preview before the movie actually came out. And my kids were like, thought it was the most hilarious thing they'd ever seen. And then about a week later, I was changing into my pajamas in front of my four year old who was three at the time. And he went, huh, mommy? Like Dr. Robotnik and started padding on his belly at the side of me. In fact, my shirt on. And that's literally the only thing I think of when I think of Sonic 3 is the site of my son telling me that I was Dr. Robotnik. I think that's really funny. My friend's daughter. She was, I don't know, maybe like eight. And we were shopping. And I was fully clothed. And she pressed on my stomach and she went, ooh, a bouncy ball. And I was like, cool. And she went, did I tell a lie? And I was like, no, I guess you did it. Then she said, it's okay if you're a bouncy ball as long as you're happy. And then she like cartwheeled away. And I was like, wow, she gets it. I got so rude. So rude. And yet I still rude. I just love her. She's very funny. She's like, listen, let's just call us, made us made nothing wrong with it. Just that. And I just said it. I felt it. I said it. Yeah, let's go. If you had to sell Sonic the Hedgehog over Mario the brother in underdog position, what is your argument for my listeners? Wait, what do you mean? Like if you had to make an argument for why Sonic the Hedgehog is better than Mario. Oh sure. Sonic is, it's a real fantasy. He comes from outer space. He has lore. He has a backstory. Mario, he's a plumber. Yeah. And a brother. Yeah. And has a brother. So like, okay, you have a brother probably or sibling. Like, do you deserve to come from space? Yeah, you didn't come from space. You don't collect rings. Yeah. Super fast. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I don't even know why I consider that at the top to be an underdog position. Not really sure. There's, I guess you get Mario gets to eat mushrooms and grow. But I'm not sure. I'm not sure any of that's better than what Sonic's got going for him. Sonic is to go really fast and turns into a little ball and goes even faster. I just think Sonic is deeply more interesting. Yeah. I agree. I think you've sold me. Tell me about your teenage wardrobe. What were you wearing? I know you mentioned the camel sweater and the dress. But like, what was your go to style? This is again, the confidence I had. I was a redhead for a lot of my teens. Like burgundy red. I love that for you. And I had at one point like, died my hair with cool aid. And if you look under a microscope, it's like little sugar granules. Yeah. I think that's the word and they're sharp. So it like, like, broke off my hair. So I then had to cut it very, very short. So then I had a very short Missy Elliott haircut. But it was like tinted burgundy. And then I would like die pieces of hair and stick them in. But you could definitely see the tracks at all times was dying hair with cool aid. Like a thing other people day, or did you just make that up? I made it up. I don't think I'd ever heard it because I don't have the internet at the time. But I was just like making cool aid once because I hated water. And my parents set me up for failure by letting me drink cool aid for water. And I remember making it. And I was like, Oh, it stained my hands. And I was like, I'm I'm I'm I hair with that. My mother wouldn't let me die my hair. So I died it with the cool. He found a loophole. Mm hmm. Those are I would always find loopholes. I remember because we had like a decent backyard. And I was like, can we have a pool? My mom was like, you know what? I'll think about it. That might be nice. And then she spent like a week thinking about it. And she said, we're not going to get a pool. And I was like, why? And she said, because I would say don't go out there alone. And I know I'd find you out there alone. But go mom, my stuff. The animals are out here. So technically I'm not alone. I was like, you got me a bit. You got me. I would definitely say about your mom knew you well. Oh, well, she used to say there's nothing you can do that can surprise me. And I was like, I know that's to deter me from acting poorly, but that feels challenge. It feels like a child accepted. Did you ever do anything that really surprised her? I was constantly doing things that I think surprised her. But she had a real poker face. Yeah, she was like, come on. You haven't seen that one before. My mom used to say stuff like that to me too. You're never going to outsmart me. Anything you think of doing, I have already done. And I'm like, I don't think so. One of the things, this is such a dumb thing. But one thing my mom did that now is an adult. I'm like, that was so smart. When she would ground me, which I got grounded often. And when I got grounded, it meant I was not allowed to talk on the phone. Because of course, that's all I wanted to do. Yes. And so when she had to leave to go do something, and I would be grounded. So I wasn't even allowed to like go to the grocery store with her. No, you have to stay here. You can read your books. You can't listen to music. You can't watch TV. You can't talk on the phone. And you'd think, well, how is she going to know you're talking on the phone? It's a landline. My mom would call the number to time. Do you remember that you could call like 1-800-555-1742 or something? There was a number. And it would tell you the universal time. The time is... No. So my mom, there was a number. You could call. My mom would call that number that she knew I didn't know. And she'd say, all I'm going to do when I get home is hit redial and make sure it's the last number I called. Wow. Honestly, that's good. How smart. That's good. So annoying. I couldn't get away with anything. That sucks. But also that's really good. I know. I just, I aspire to be like my mother. I can't. I would like to manifest something for you. You okay. I know you post your pole dancing clips on Instagram. Yes. What about Nicole Byer dancing with the stars? Okay, here's the thing. It seems really hard. It's hard. And it seems so I pole dance. And then when I'm tired, I go, all done. But I feel like when you're dancing for a TV show, they go, you're not all done. You have to keep rehearsing. Yeah. And then that kind of with like my vibe with like having fun. Right. Well, here's the thing. Here's what I'll tell you. They, they give you four hours a day to rehearse seven days a week. And then as you progress, it becomes five hours a day and it becomes six hours a day. And then when you need or want extra time, you just go to a different studio and rehearse elsewhere. However, they truly will let you do whatever you want to do. You only want to work out for you. You only want to work on it for two hours. But then I'll be bad. I know. That's bad. So it's the catch 22. It's just how badly do you want it? But I was shocked at how much I loved it. Really? Shocked. What's your favorite genre of dance? I fell in love with all of the traditional ballrooms. Oh, yes. I did not like the Latins as much as I thought for sure I was going to go in there and be like, oh, I'm going to have like real loose hips and like real liquid movement. Yeah. I'm a square. So I was very, I keep calling yourself a square. I am. I'm just a big old square. I'm built like a square. I act like a square. I'm a big old square. But I just loved it. I loved being in frame. I love learning about frame. It was all really frame frame. The frame you hold yourself in. So, you know, where you put your hand for 10. Thank you. Well, I've got better from dance because my my shoulders were always up in my ears. And I was constantly hearing about it. I think knowing how similar hearing, learning how similar we were as children and knowing what we do for a living, I feel like if I loved it as much as I did. And are you a competitive person? I love to win. I love a strategy. Oh, yeah. And the strategy of dancing with the stars is practice. And that's tough. It is. And also there is strategy because music choice is massive strategy. Do you get to choose the music? You get to have a hand in choosing the music. And you get to pick and choose which week you do which dances. So you're like, oh, you know, based on if I know I'm going to say you know, you're going to do the season, you can start researching. Let me watch a tango. Let me let me see how I do. I think I'm going to like a tango. Maybe not. Is tango going to be hard for me? Let's kick that down the road then. Let's start with something easier. But I want to show my personality right off the bat. So I'm going to pick a fiery song or I'm going to pick a song I love. This is funny because when I started pole dancing, I was like, yeah, everyone has to do it. Like you sound like I feel the same energy. Yeah, I'm like, I'm really sorry. Like do it. And the pole dance, I'm like, you can do it. You don't have to take off your clothes. It doesn't have to be slutty. You don't have to even like reclaim anything. You can just like move your body and like climb up a hole and be like, I'm strong. Yeah, I loved pole dance. I did some pole dancing classes. I loved it so much. Yeah, you might inspire me to get back into it. Do you have a pole in your house? Oh, yeah. Is it one that like retracts up into the ceiling when you have people over? Is it just one of the lives there? I simply don't have that money. Okay. I have just a standard pole that lives there. I actually think the cheaper ones are the ones that like, it's like a hook in the ceiling and then you pull it down and it goes back up so that you if you live in like a smaller place and you don't have everyone coming into your house and being like, nice pole. You can just put it just like not just lives there. Yeah. All right. You're gonna inspire me maybe to get into pole dancing. I love it. And maybe we can talk about you doing dancing with the stars. I have no, by the way, I don't make any money. I'm getting people on the dance with the stars. I have also no pole getting people. I just feel like I loved it so much. I want to share that experience with everyone the same way. Yeah, that's how I feel about pole dancing. I'm like, you'll love it. It's not as hard as it looks and you get to work great big heels. I love the heels. The heels are great. Ugh. The heels are really fun. I loved the heels all on dancing with the stars too. I had so much fun in this episode with Nicole. I'm bringing her back for a bonus episode where we will get to hear one of your embarrassing stories. So make sure you check that episode out on Friday. Thank you all for joining us for this episode of Teen Beat. Teen Beat is an iHeart podcast produced and hosted by Daniel Fishel, executive producers, Jensen Carp and Amy Sugarman, executive and charge of production, Daniel Romo, producer and editor Tara Sue Boksh. The theme song is by Marcopus. Yes, that Marcopus. Follow us on Instagram at Teen Beat Pod. This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.