The Bald and the Breakfast with Trixie and Katya

This episode is sponsored by Bombas. People keep asking me about my 2026 resolutions. They expect something heroic like reading a book, discovering a cure for the common cold, or finally learning how to crochet with my feet. But this year I have crowned a new monarch of goals. Get comfy. Not a little comfy, I'm talking transcendent. That is where Bombas enters. Riding on a velvet cloud of socks, underwear, and deeply supportive vibes. The all-new Bombas sports socks are engineered for running, golf, hiking, skiing, snowboarding, and myriad other types of athletic engagements. And the Friday sandal made with lightweight EVA is perfect for quick errands and dramatic grocery store entrances on Sunset Boulevard. Head over to bombas.com slash bald and use code bald for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S dot com slash bald, code bald at checkout. We are very excited to announce that our very bald and very beautiful podcast tour is almost sold out for spring. I'm excited. We're not doing that many dates and my New Year's resolution is quality over quantity. And we're doing it. We're doing it. Can you believe we had to add a second show to Boston and Toronto? Queen. We sure did. So you f***ing Bostonians and Toronto in Toronto tights or whatever the f*** you call yourselves. You better get some tickets. Yeah. Snatch them up. We do have a few seats left for some of these cities and we are not doing that many of these this year. No. It's going to be hot. It's going to be exclusive. It's going to be fabulous. Tickets available now at TrixieandKati.com Queen. A tu un cigarette? This is what kind of horrible person I am. My poor boyfriend has been sick the last few days and I was sick last week and when I'm sick I'm like, I think everybody should call into work and take care of me. Right? Last night, him at 4am up sick in the bathroom. You're like, shut up! I swear to God, I almost sat up and said, I think it's a little much. You keep it down or at least barricade the door. Go to the forest. Go down. Get a hotel. What are you doing? This is crazy. My God. Sick. Being sick sucks. It sucks. I mean, I know that goes without saying. Yeah. Hi, listeners. Hi. Welcome back. Welcome back. Hi. This is 254 maybe? Yeah. 253. I have to have a surgery tomorrow. And they called me today. And if you ever had a surgery the day before, they'd be calling you, telling you all this extra information. Don't drink this. Don't eat this. Now I'm like a mogwai. Don't feed me after midnight. Don't nothing. And then tomorrow, 8 in the morning, surgery. Butthole cut open. It's always early like that. Why do they? Surgeons, I'm telling you, I think these surgeons are up at 3 a.m. No, they roll out of bed. They just get in their Beamer and they speed to the hospital. Don't brush their teeth or anything. They just scrub up and let her rip. have you ever been put under oh yeah this i have extreme anxiety about being put under really but then when you are put under yeah it's nothing it's a non-event you remember none of it but everything leading up to it i'm like super anxious what no what are you like it's lack of control i don't know okay it's interesting because i'm the opposite the lack of control makes me nervous like a lack of control is like well i can't do anything right you know what i mean yeah You're right. Like, you know, like if I, if I died, I wouldn't even know. No, there's no pain. There's no, you don't even remember when you like, you know, it's, I love that. Well, you know, it's awful. I was on the phone talking to somebody about it and they said, well, I think they just Michael Jackson you. And I don't think we should call putting someone under to Michael Jack, but I know, I know what she means. Propothal or whatever. I was like, we can't be, that's not gonna be a medical textbooks. No, because also it's a little ambiguous about what exactly. I didn't think about that. Yeah. Oh, they put one glove on you and they make you sing. Or they bring out a monkey. You marry Lucy Murray Presley. That's what you do. You dangle a baby. You ride a carousel in your backyard. Yeah. You're literally unconscious on a Ferris wheel dangling a baby on a thing. Yeah. Gosh. Yeah, no, no. Gosh. We're not doing that. But general anesthesia is cunty. Yeah. Can I call you tomorrow if I survive? No. Okay. I don't quit. Yeah. I would like to call you because you might not remember. I don't have my affairs in order. How many affairs are you having? Many. Many affairs and I have to get them all in order. Okay. That was funny. Very funny. That was like an affair having an affair. Oh, speaking of, did you keep watching All's Fair? You know. All's Affair? All's Fair. You were still gung-ho on that pussy monologue and then what? No, no, no. I wasn't. Let me clarify. I wasn't gung-ho. I was flabbergasted. I was gooped. I was shocked, betrayed. I was surprised and I was titillated. Well, titillated is a stretch. But the show, yeah, I know. But I know you're going to swing in on that new beauty show, The Beauty. It seems like it's a substance vibe. I hate to be reductive. No, no, no. I think it's based on a text of some sort. Okay, like a comic or something? Yeah, exactly. And it's, if we know right if we know one thing about ryan murphy we it's about beauty and then it's going to be about you know nazis aliens frankensteins right atlantis right um you know little people from you know hedgehogs uh fruit barns rabies wagon wheels all this stuff is going to come right but um i want to talk to you about the french language and one of my favorite actresses in the whole world jodie foster who is starring in a new movie and she's it's all in french it's a french movie And she speaks French in it. So she went to a French school here in L.A. She was like five or something. So she speaks perfect. Like not good, not great. She speaks perfect. So is it perfect or not great? No, no. So it's not great French. It's not good French. It's perfect French. Oh, okay. Sorry. I thought you were saying like, it's not good, but it's perfect. I'm like. No, no, no. It's like, oh my God, she speaks great for an American. No, she speaks perfect French. Right. And it's just so cunty. I just fucking love that bitch. Right. I just love her. And I was just listening to her. What do you love about her? I just love everything. She's so smart. She's so capable. And then she has been in the, she. What about when she was like zooming into the Oscars from bed? That was different. That was COVID. That was, everybody was, everybody was turned around, you know, everybody's turned around upside down. I didn't love that. I didn't love that. She was in like a Buc-ee's t-shirt with like a Miller Lite. It was fierce. With her lesbian wife. Yeah. Very cash. Yeah. She was like, well, I don't know. Yeah. But she, she's been, she's been a legend forever. Born in the game. Literally. She was like on, she was performing at the Oscars in green shoes and like at five years old. Yeah. Singing. Quite beautiful as well. Yeah. And just so great. On the count of three, I think we should say our favorite Jodie Foster movie. Okay. But hold on. Well, okay. one two three contact I don't love now you don't love that or panic room you know I didn't love miss panic room it made me think everyone should have one like I bet that was instituted by big panic do you know what I mean big burgle was like what about a movie that seems fun that is going to make our switchboard light up with you know what I mean Like fallout is being built. It's being pushed by people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I think panic room, cause you know, I have that room in my house that I never showed on TV. That's kind of hidden. Do you know what room I'm talking about? With all the rats. No, but I always am like, not only is it hidden, I'm always like, I wonder if I should barricade it for the end of the world with the bottle of water. I mean, Hey, earthquake preparedness, maybe not the end of the world, but living in LA or an earth, if you've got the space, which you do, I would highly suggest stocking any extra like, panic room situation with some earthquake preparedness supplies. But I shouldn't be in the basement for an earthquake. That's not good, Mary. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. You go outside, don't you? No, I'm saying just in your house in general. Oh, right, right, right. You know, like if you say you get your house gets falls apart around you and you get stuck there, whatever. Water. Fresh potable water. I drink the pool. Tea. Or tea. wait is it is it chlorinated or salinated I don't know actually really the pool gentleman who comes weekly is it his name's Edmund and he I don't know what he does I can just put that in my balls the pool water what do you mean squirt that in my balls oh yes of course you just actually you take a little you take a little like a diabetic needle you stick it in in your balls and under the water and then the the physics of it It just goes right up there. The FAGs are hurting. The FAGs are hurting. The FAGs are hurting. Wait, the what? Remember when Luscious was here? Honey, the FAGs are hurting. The trauma. The FAGs are hurting. That whole episode, the little faces she was making. Mama, Mallory, my friend, was watching it. She was obsessed now with Luscious, of course. And I was telling her that there was a moment where you can't see it, but she winks at me and I lose it. And you didn't, you didn't catch it. Cause it was like, it was so, you know, like, and I, and I was annoyingly laughing at something you didn't even know I was laughing at. And I was like, so bummed because it was, it's so funny. Well, she would say something and then she'd react to her, what she said. She would like say something and then go like, yeah. Yes. And then, yeah. And then she was like at the tail end of something. She was like, I just love, I got it. I love, I got a passion for winking. I love it. I'd be saying the FAGs are hurting. I'd be driving around the LA saying the FAGs are hurting. I'm in the car. Terror. Terror. My boyfriend's sick. I'm like, the FAGs are hurting. Like, the FAGs are hurting. Yeah, they cannot handle this womanhood. They can't take it. Ugh. Girl. She is just, it just doesn't get, I mean, I'm so, she's really, really, really become my favorite drag queen. Oh my God. Same. Honestly, she's blown all the other bitches out of the water. She's taking all these hoes. She's wrapping them up. She's throwing them in the garbage. Brick. Yeah. Cross dress. I mean, the fact that she edits our clips with her own audio. She's a freak from hell. I mean that lovingly. She's a freak from hell. It's great. She's inspiring. She's audacious. She's courageous. No, I know. She inspires me. Her creativity inspires me. Also, I mean, I'm not trying to be corny, but her courage is, she's courageous. Going into Macy's? Do you think I'm going to go into Macy's with a bus driver on? I'm not going to run. I don't think you should. I think she can. No, I think she can. And she does. And she does it. I do want one of those wigs though. You do? I see with a bra. You know, can you tell me whether or not I can do this? I used to have this bob, the 613 bob when I was like, this is like pre, pre drag race. It was short in the back and was super graduated long in the front. So it was like this long. I kind of loved it. Okay. It was like this long in the front. How much volume are we talking about? Bangs? Not enough. but I could maybe like sew some tracksuit or something. I kind of want to go through a straight Bob era. I just want to know about the volume. I never wear straight wigs. And at least I've been like, how about some straight wigs? Maybe with some hats, fascinators, headbands. That VG's are hurting. The VG's are struggling. Struggling. Today's episode of Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by hymns. He done already had HIMSS. HIMSS can't help you fold a sheet, but it can help you with your performance in bed. Take control of ED with personalized treatments made with doctor-trusted ingredients prescribed by licensed providers 100% online. And you guys, I was on ED medication for a while. And I got to tell you, talking about it in person, a little clunky, a little embarrassing, a little challenging. And HIMSS believes that it doesn't have to be that way. 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This episode is sponsored by Thrive Market. Dear Diary, it's me, Julia. It's 6-12 a.m. in Dorchester, and I've already packed three lunches, located one missing cleat, signed a permission slip with grape jelly, and yelled, we are not late, you are late, at a clock while trying to finish cutting the crust off three HIMSS sandwiches before the school bus arrived. Between carpool, bake sales, book reports, I find out the night before and whatever fresh chaos my children have cooked up, I truly do not have time to sit around calculating whether a grocery membership is worth it. But then my best friend Darlene, who's the coolest of friends because she wears a jean jacket with shoulder pads and knows all sorts of things about Europe conned me over at Coffee and Scone down at Groundsville DeVos and said listen just trust me Thrive Market is the bee knees And you know what It is the bee knees I now belong to Thrive Market and I loving it Turns out the membership breaks down to about a month which is less than I spend on orange slices for the boys after soccer practice. And I can shop right on the app while waiting in line at the supermarket. Thrive provides weekly sales, auto shipping, free gifts, and the calm reassurance that no one is sneaking anything sketchy with trans fats into my pantry. My kids still get mac and cheese, snacks and juice boxes, but now it's Google's mac and cheese, Simple Mills treats, and probiotic soda, which somehow makes me feel like I haven't failed as a mom. I can even filter high protein or low sugar in seconds and stop overthinking every label. Anyway, diary, I gotta go. It's Friday night and the ladies are coming over for a Nancy Meyers marathon. The Chardonnay is chilling, the chunky jewelry catalogs are out, and thanks to Thrive Market, consider the snacks handled. Ready to make some healthy swaps and become a member? Join Thrive Market with my link, thrivemarket.com slash bald for 30% off your first order plus a free $60 gift. Again, that's thrivemarket.com slash bald. Um, girl, speaking of struggling, the bricks are struggling, they're crumbling. I went to Jackson Hole, Wyoming last weekend with heterosexuals. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is this? Jackson Hole, Wyoming. It is a beautiful vacation town for winter activities. Oh, the skiing. Snowmobiling, skiing, Oh, ski, ski, motherfucker. Right. So we get there. Love it. Love it. Love it. Hanging out. Partying. Love it. You love skiing. I haven't skied in so long. My boyfriend in college, Matt, who died, his family would take me skiing. So I learned to ski when I was younger. But I was with a group whom a lot of them hadn't skied. And I thought, it's been so long. I'm going to take the class with everybody, the group class. I probably halfway through the class could have left and gone to do other things. But I thought, don't be a cunt. Solidarity. Be with the group. Also, how often do you have an instructor watching you ski? You can still learn a lot. Just because you can make it down the hill without dying doesn't mean you have something to learn. Thank you. So it was really educational. I was working on my parallel skiing and bright, sunny day. The type of ski experience where it's cold, but not too cold, like not sweating, but it's like feels like I'd be active without being sweaty. And then the snow is powdery or whatever. Powdery and gorgeous. and then lovely a middle apres ski go have some lovely french onion soup with a margarita maybe a hot toddy of course have two or three martinis go back down the hill you know in the dark of course it was really really fun I just it reawakened the magic of skiing now I never skied when I was younger because where I'm from it's definitely a rich people sport and as I can gather it still is baby it is it's that more so than golf I mean it is very much a rich person sport yeah And so those type of activities, because I'm not generationally wealthy, I always feel uncomfortable because it always feels like this is the rich people function. Yes, this is the rich people function. But I have so much fun skiing. I love to ski. I love to move that fast. Love the sticks. Love the outfits. Yeah. It's a lot of gear. It's a lot of gear. Love the lifts. Oh, yeah. That is really, I would just do the gondola all day. Yeah. Love the gondola. Loved it. Loved it. Yes. anybody Gwyneth Paltrow into a tree or whatever no but I kept saying I lost a half day of skiing you lost a whole half day of skiing kept saying it well I lost a whole half day of skiing what is a whole half day it's like the entire half day but not a whole day no no no but I mean if we're talking half it's a full half couldn't she say I lost half a whole day of skiing it's about the cup half empty or half full She wants to really, really drive home that it was 50% of the day. And what did she say at the end when she left court? She said something like, I wish you well. I wish you well. I think that's healthy. She's, yeah, because she's evolved. Because that guy was a fucking, just trying to take her to the cleaners and he was a boo-boo and waste her time. And where she could have been doing entrepreneurship for her company, cooking delicious meals for her children and her husband. Yeah. Playing mahjong with her girlfriends, perhaps. Anything. The skiing was really fun. Early. Very early. In the car by seven. It's a little extreme. So then the next day, the next day was a different winter activity. Did you stay at the chalet overnight? My friend rented the most beautiful rental home I've ever stayed in. Oh, my God. Some extra bedrooms. We had, like, too many bedrooms. Like, for, like, 12 people. It was crazy. Hot tub. Giant kitchen. And guess somebody who was staying there was a professional cookie chef. so I walked in and special cookies were being made I said yes yes yes yes yes yes like making the toffee from scratch that we pour on the chocolate chip cookies I said you want me to suck that I was like red he was like jerking the not jerking he was milking the cow yeah I mean I guess I could say his name is Von Vreeland he makes delicious cookies oh I don't know but anyway he does like baking and cookbooks and stuff and so I was it's fun to watch people who are really good in the kitchen do something. And it's also even funner to eat what they do in the kitchen. Yeah, they were making tacos and I said, I think I should help. And I saw the knife skills and I just walked away. I said, like, they don't want your fucking help, bitch. Go sit and wait to eat like a dog. I sit on the floor. They open the trash and throw something away and I'm just in there going. Well, I was in the trash. So then the next day I go, gosh, skiing was a little early. and they go, well, you're going to love this. We had to get the next day up in the car by like 645 or something. That's okay. To go. And this is a thing. Like rollerblading. This is just going to take me one second to talk about because this is like trauma. So where I'm from, snowmobiling is huge, right? People rode snowmobiles to school. Snowmobiling was huge. There's every highway, every road has a small snowmobile route. Snowmobiling is huge. And rich people love to come to the country to snowmobile. And country people use snowmobiles as transportation. but I don't like snowmobiling okay it's straight men I know straight men with ATVs they love it they freak out my childhood best friend's dad they were big into snowmobiles they freak out and I just don't freak out for ATVs but of course I'm happy to be included what is ATV all terrain vehicle it's not a television that's what I keep thinking it's that's what I that's what go on sorry ATV a TV a TV so I get up it's early and they give you a bunch of warm clothes who's they? the snowmobiling place was like oh you guys all have warm clothes but if you want here's bigger boots here's whatever so like we're suited out do they give you a marathon crinkle blanket? no so the night before everybody's doing drinking alcohol and I haven't really been drinking so I was like I'll do a little drinking alcohol had some alcohol the next day we're up it was like 7 o'clock in the morning we're getting ready to snowmobile I'm just like, oh my God, everybody's in a room this big trying on winter clothes. And I go, hold on a second, go in the bathroom, immediate diarrhea, 12 people, 11 people there outside the door. And I'm just in there like, but I thought better now than what? Halfway up a mountain. Like, right. And then I give them back their snow pants and say, hi, there's shit all in it. I would give them back. Right. I would take them home. Right. And wear them, continue to wear them. You don't like snow. I just don't like snowmobiling. And I'm so grateful to be included, but it was just cold and loud and you're driving to nowhere. I just was like, we're just driving. Oh, you're not going down a hill. No, no, but I did get to witness. I did get to witness an engagement, which was exciting on the snowmobile. Yeah. I've never seen it in the moment. Like real ring comes out. The person surprised. It was thrilling. I've never, I felt like I was watching a viral video. I was like, Oh, did you start screaming and crying? Well, no, but I can't, what did they look like? What did they look like? But I just, Jackson hole is very cool. I mean, Wyoming is cool. It's very country. It's very mountains. It's very broke back. I wish I could quit you. It's very, uh, we don't need no lube. We're in this tent. Well, it's also very Matthew Shepard. Like that happened in Wyoming. So it's not, it's nice. Yeah. But it is so beautiful. I mean, maybe it's cause I'm from the flatlands, mountains, beautiful, snowy mountains. Oh my God. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, dangerous. and dangerous and this was my issue is i need i didn't get enough sleep the night before right five hours is enough for me on a group trip right and to be you know hours yeah because everyone's up being partying wild and then it's up so early but i my arthritic self i need the full eight hours right so that's tough i five hours especially for skiing and it was so early and i hadn't been having any water because the alcohol and it was so early that no one had made breakfast. So I get in the car, you guys that like 6am hung. I barely know most people in this group. So I'm trying to be my best self, but my best self. Yeah. So I get in the car and I sit there and somebody was like, Brian, are you all right? And I go, sorry, I'm not my normal self without food, water or sleep, which I like totally meant like nice, but it came out. I went, I sound like I hate the trip. Yeah. Well, I don't hate that. I usually have fun, but when I'm being tortured, I'm not so pleasant. ask somebody's pain for me to have a wonderful winter experience. And so then when I got a moment alone after the diarrhea, I went to the host and said, I hope you know earlier when I made that comment, I was just kind of, it's a way I kind of deal with discomfort. And then you shoved that dirty diaper in his face. I said, but I'm having a great time. And they were like, that's okay. That's very funny. Also very you. So then somebody was like, should we stop? There's no food where we're going. Should we stop at this gas station? I go, yes. There's no food where we're going. because I think everybody else is like we're just here for the vibes and I was like love you all vibes do not have calories if I don't get in here get in here in this in this 7-eleven if I don't get a drinkable yogurt and a donut I'm gonna freak out in order for my eyes to go past a flutter right in the morning I need at least 12 pounds of sugar right 12 pounds right and then like 13 pounds of heavy cream and then so then I get back on the carrier the people carrier van, like a giant, um, what do you call it? Sprinter sprinter. I get in the van and I've got, I'm the only person who's bought food really. And I have tons of snacks and I'm ripping through them. I'm eating little Doritos. I'm fucking it up. Um, I'm, I'm eating my breakfast foods. One of my foods is a Bartlett pear. I'm eating the pear and I'm just looking at everyone like, aren't we, don't we all feel better that we got food? Even though I'm the only one eating. I'm like, I think we're all better now. Yeah. Everybody's feeling good, right? Yeah. Wait, So they just didn't eat. I think everybody maybe had a snack before I got up and I didn't get up early enough to eat. So maybe it's on me. Or maybe they had the most incredible, unforgettable, huge breakfast you just brought up late. I think that is it. I waited till the last second. Okay. And as much as I don't want to be the squeaky wheel, if somebody's saying, should we stop for a snack? Yes! I mean, it's like, that would be like. Am I not a Nicky fan? Today's episode of Bald and the Beautiful is brought to you by our friends at Squarespace, or as it was originally pronounced among, you know, over in Italy, Squarespace. The Italians were actually the first people to decide that if you want to have any kind of business or interest or side hustle or project, you should have a Squarespace, which is basically a website that instead of having to, listen, when you're a brand new business or you're starting a new hobby or offering a new service, everything is already so self-contained and everything's at a shoestring budget. Everything is like a tiny margin for profit. The last thing you have money for is to be paying somebody else to be like a webmaster and web designer. And this is what the web designers don't want to tell you. I'm going to tell you guys this. I have made my own websites and I have paid people to make my own websites and it's so much better to be the one who can just control it and update it yourself. I'm telling you. And if you're somebody who's built a website from me in the past. I hope you're listening to this. Okay. What I really love about it is the design intelligence. So basically it's very cutting edge technology to help unlock your strongest ideas because the problem with making anything graphic, the blank paper, the blank paper is the scariest part, right? But more intuitive tools and maybe even templates make things so easy to just get the ball rolling. Okay. The other thing I really love about Squarespace is you can sell content right in the website. So let's say you're a yoga instructor or you make video content or some kind of membership of something. You can literally put your content behind a paywall and earn revenue from your own website, which is pretty fabulous. I mean, if you're really trying to cultivate your own little community. I also love the email campaigns. If you can make your email campaigns interesting with really good tools and really good deals, You can really drive business that way. Go over to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash bald to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com slash bald. This episode is sponsored by Olipop. And with that refreshing sound of my Olipop can opening, I'd like to take you back. Back to my childhood. Back to Dorchester, Massachusetts. To a time when the sidewalks were our kingdom. the Rialto Saturday matinee was my church and the sun stood up just long enough for one more game of stickball every time I crack open an Olipop classic root beer I'm suddenly 10 years old again knees scraped, pockets full of marbles and racing home to listen to Fibber McGee and Molly on the wireless before the streetlights came on Olipop's cream soda tastes like some afternoons on the stoop a radio humming somewhere in the distance with a doo song and the world smelling faintly of asphalt baseball cards and possibility Their classic grape takes me right back to the conistar filled with nickel candy wax paper and dreams of popping in that water chewing gum and becoming the Babe Ruth of the 7th Street Sandlot. Thing is, Olipop tastes like the sodas of my youth, but it's a whole new kind of soda. It's got that classic soda flavor with a functional ingredient blend to support digestive health with high fiber and low sugar. Olipop is my afternoon pick-me-up on a bad day and my quiet moment of nostalgia in a can. Two out of three Americans deal with digestive issues and most of us don't get enough fiber. Olipop is tackling both while delivering taste that truly takes you back. For me, it's not just a soda. It's a love letter to where I came from and proof that growing up doesn't mean letting go. Get a free can of Olipop. Buy any two cans of Olipop in the store and we'll pay you back for one. Works on any flavor, any retailer. Head to drinkolipop.com slash bald. Olipop is sold online, drinkolipop.com and Amazon, and available in the soda aisle, and with the chilled beverages at thousands of retailers nationwide, including Walmart, Target, Costco, and Whole Foods. I'm heading to Austin this month for South by Southwest, and while half the country is still feuding with winter coats and dodging slush puddles, I'll be packing light layers and celebrating the beginning of allergy season. It's time for that beginning of spring energy when the sun is out, the air feels optimistic and everyone collectively decides make out in a public park season has begun. Austin just understands this moment, especially when you booked an incredible place on Airbnb right next to the city's best barbecue joint. I'm talking morning coffee outside while the city wakes up, walks where you don't need gloves to avoid frostbite, and plates of brisket eaten outdoors with the Texas sunshine highlighting every bit of flavor in your dry rub. I booked my stay through Airbnb and honestly, it's doing a lot of the heavy lifting for this trip. I get space to sprawl, a real couch to decompress on after screaming lyrics with strangers, and a table where I can eat like a human instead of balancing food on a pillow in a hotel room. I can close the door when I need silence, throw open the windows when I want light, and enjoy privacy that feels like I actually live there, even if only for a few days. And if I'm traveling with friends, we can all stay together instead of coordinating lobby meetups like we're in a low-budget spy thriller. And while I'm dancing my way through Austin and riding that early spring glow, I'm already plotting the next adventure. This summer, it's Lisbon. Think ocean breezes, late night dinners that turn into midnight desserts, and perhaps a moonlit stroll with a charming local who teaches me exactly one Portuguese phrase and then disappears forever. Trips just feel better when you book through Airbnb, and I already know I'll be booking again and again. With Airbnb, every journey feels like it was made just for you. Why won't you go to the movies? I know you don't like it. What do you want me to experience? Because when I go to the movies, it's overpriced. I sit in a room full of strangers. That's what I'm paying for? The movies aren't back. That's being perpetrated by AMC. The movies aren't back. But the movies are dying. Baby, we got TVs at home. The little screen killed the big screen, okay? The little screen is no match for the big screen. Sure, but you notice that people are saying you have to go to the movies. But see, you have a giant screen. But the people who are saying you have to go experience the movies are the people who make movies. Generally, that is true. They're often the most vocal. However, I... AMC Hollywood, matinee of the Country Bears, $275. I mean, that is what we're working with here. Mary, if I had not seen Dune 2 in the theater... Right. Right. The substance in the theater? one of the best experiences I've ever had at the cinema. Sure. Mulholland Drive in the theater? Are you kidding me? With friends? Talked about it hours at the cafe later? I am re-watching something which is crazy, which is... Home videos of me doing my naked dances? Making a murderer. I haven't seen it since it came out. Do you remember that? I don't get into any of these... Takes Place in northern Wisconsin. I remember seeing on the local news all the time when it was happening. This woman's missing, a woman's missing body and they're trying to basically place the murderer and the documentary kind of touches on this community kind of deciding this guy killed someone based on not enough information. And he didn't do it. Well, the documentary talks about and it's like, you know, kind of crazy. But watching it, it's just crazy because I remember it being on the news. That is crazy. It was on the news every day when I was a kid. It's like the Boston Strangler. What's the Boston Strangler? Strangle, the guy in Boston to strangle people. Yeah. Women? Probably. Yeah. That's awful. Yeah. Do you remember? What if you were like men? I'd be like, okay. Do you remember the, I forget what it was called, but it had Merit Weaver and Toni Collette and they were playing, they were cops and they were investigating a rapist and it was a, I think, I don't know, was it a series or a movie? I don't, I think it was a series, mini series. Unbelievable. Did you watch that? It was so good. Because it was like, it shifted tones effortlessly from like- What was it called? Unbelievable. Tony Collette- So you want me to watch things on the big screen or a miniseries? No, no, no. Now I'm just, I'm compromising. Okay. So I've given up on the big screen. Now I'm saying little screen. So Merritt Weaver, so hysterical. Tony Collette, obviously. And they have such a great dynamic in the tone of the, It gets very, very graphic because the way that this sexual assault guy assaults women is so specific and it's so thorough and it's so terrifying. But what's interesting is that the way that these characters, Merritt Weaver in particular, how they treat these victims is how you should treat a woman who has been assaulted. And it's like very instructive and like illuminating at how, I mean, you can imagine victims are not believed, you know what I mean? They're just, they're, they're just discarded or dismissed. So it was like a really, really interesting like character study for that. And then it was also like a, like a funny kind of buddy cop movie, but then it got really serious. It was like so good, so good. And it was like, it's rare to see something like shift tones like that. pretty wildly and not be like crazy. Sure. I highly recommend it. Highly recommend it. The, the rapist, or this is a little team. I don't know. He, it was diabolical cause he would make the, he would clean, like clean all his tracks. Like he, it was methodical about like not leaving a trace of anything and he would make them shower and he would make them like, it was so fucked up. so fucked up yeah so fucked up crazy you should watch it but I don't like those serial killer documentaries do you think something's wrong with me that I do no because I think they're hugely popular Gwyneth Paltrow loves them she watches them before bed yeah that my boyfriend puts them on like when we're all supposed to like I don't think we need to take like a fat edible and then explore dead bodies you know like I'm always like can we just put on Sabrina can we or you know she'd put on jellyfish or happiness frequency or like old timey music from another room while Trixie and Katia play ping pong. Like one of those crazy, like, like volcanic eruption on the Samoan islands while jellyfish like mate in the staring game, you know, like one of those on this channel. Why do we let the other kids have all the fun? Thank you. We can make our own soundscapes. I, I had the jellyfish on last night and, um, the jellyfish, excuse me. Yeah. The beautiful, I mean, there's so many, I have, you know, my nighttime viewing is usually if like I'm I'm still in the living room kind of late. I put on a thing to like wind down because I don't, I haven't been reading in bed very much. So like I put on the jellyfish instant, like drops you down. It's so soothing. And that giant screen. It's so beautiful. Right. And then I put the lights on to be like, you know, to match the colors. The vibes, the vibes are so. Do you sleep on the couch? No, no, no, no, no. This is like before I turn down. Cause once I go up to, once I go up to the bedroom, it's in the bed, it's over. It's in the bed. I do my thing in the bathroom and I'm right to bed. I deal with historically being with men who need the TV on at night. That's really hard for me, but I just push through. That's very impressive. I push through. That's very impressive. Have you ever done earplugs or cans to drown out the noise? Soup cans? Yeah. Campbell's soup can? No. Hub camp? I don't need the silence. my dream scenario is that I fall asleep and the TV turns off and it's off all night because a lot of times unless you turn the TV down it wakes you the fuck up well you can do the timer right do you do the when we're on the topic of sleep hygiene do you do the levitation the lights gradually fading to the time that you want to wake up I rigged up LEDs use underneath my bed so I can push a button and the underbed glows whatever color I want. That's kind of fun and funky. But I won't wake you up though. Never use it. I love the vibe though. But I have the Dawn simulator on my Hue lights to like, over the course of a half an hour, they... Pretends to be someone named Dawn. Dawn Davenport. Dawn Davenport. Dawn says, wake up! Dawn Wiener. Yeah. Listen, I I want to talk about the weather, but after this rain taking everything from me, this mold taking everything from me, by the way, me co-opting your storyline. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's a, it's a shared trauma. Yeah. It's a shared trauma. Okay. We're, we're trauma bonding. Yeah. The sun being out. I look, I walk outside in LA. I look at the sky and I go the fucking nerve, the sun. Now after you've taken everything from me, it's like the police arriving. You take my home. You take my, you take my livelihood. You take my joy, my pain. And now what? Well, I'll tell you what. That 80 degree day, that Saturday, I hopped out of bed, threw on a little jean short and a little blouse, slide and just fucking hoofed it over to flippers to have some lovely souffle pancakes with Joseph. And it was 80 motherfucking degrees and sunny. It's great. Oh, it was lovely. And I looked outside. There was pterodactyls on a building. It was weird. and then we went to Aesop's to get some fragrances and soaps and cleansers and shit. Oh, guess where I went? Where'd you go? I love Aesop. They have that for sale at Todd Snyder at The Grove. Love that shit. That shit is, I got the fucking slab. It's so nice. Mama, the shower that I took, the showers that I have been taking. Right. I know I don't smell particularly good right now. Just take my word for it though. Right. I, oh my God, I forgot what I was going to say. You were going to say. Oh, I told you I went to a drag race viewing party for the show RuPaul's Drag Race. I did. Okay. That's it. Is this the one with, um, a two or a letter? No. Oh, okay. That's Canada. That's Canada. What is the best? Sound off in the comments. I want to know what you think the best international franchise of drag races is these days. It's Pennsylvania versus Libya. Shut the hell. It's North versus South Korea. Right. No, what is it? So my friend, Daniel, do you know Daniel? Cool. Vincent Gord? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. He texts me, hey, where are you at? And I was like, oh, my God, I'm at High Tops having a drink. So my boyfriend and I were there having a drink. I love to go for happy hour because I love to get food. Because, again, huge fat cunt. So I want to get some food. What's wrong? Sometimes I just feel like this negative self-talk is taking too far. Oh, I know. My therapist said it's my primary abuser in my head. It's probably true. Yeah. Um, got this little nugget in therapy too. What about this? Anxiety about the future. It's about what is it? It's about what has occurred. Yeah. Anxiety about what could happen is about what has happened. Yep. How about that? You're one from yesterday, the other in tomorrow. You're pissing on today. You're worried about pissing yourself because you shit yourself already. So. Tea. Um, I went to the viewing party. If you can't piss yourself, how am I going to shit myself? Right. Can I get an amen? Um, I, Go to happy hour. Okay. And we're having delicious, the nachos at High Tops should be studied. They're incredible. Okay. Oh, God. What about pretzels? They got pretzel, soft pretzel there? Yeah, they do actually. They have soft pretzel. They got corn dogs, girl. The bar food at High Tops is amazing. Oh, High Tops, Los Feliz. Any bar food you think a bar should have, they fucking have it. Vermont Street, Vermont Avenue, East Side. They make this delicious tequila drink called a Hot Rod. Oh, the Hot Rod at High Tops. you blacked out. I'm going to say blacked out. So they get like tequila, whiskey and GHB. Pretty much. So I've had two drinks and I've had two drinks and some nachos and Daniel texts me and goes, Hey, um, we're going to go to a viewing party of drag race. If you're going to be at high tops. And I was like, well, it's in like an hour and a half. And I've just been sitting here drinking and eating for two hours. So I walk home, change outfits and come back. Love that. Same bar, new outfit. The people who work there know me from DJing and they're like, new outfit. No, no, no. Listen, one life. That's great. Also, maybe you had a little stain. I didn have a stain I was in gym clothes I had just walked up to the reservoir and back down So I was in gym clothes Yeah I should put on your tux Yeah Well it a drag race viewing party And I want people to be like damn this thing over here in her fucking gym shark looking clapped You know what I mean? Bald faggot looking clapped in the gym shark, honey. That chopped clapped faggot. That chopped clapped faggot. The FAGs are hurting. FAGs are tore down. So, I mean, I don't know if you feel this way. it's almost going to any other viewing party for any other TV show is different than going to a drag race viewing party because we're you and me. Yes. And I want to go see my friend. And I like to catch drag race and I love high tops. I was like, let's just go. So we go, we're drinking. This is the first episode. It's so busy. Incredibly busy. It's like the sports night, right? Yeah. The other show that's so busy is Survivor when that's on at the gay bars. It's balls to balls to face to titties. I've never seen Survivor. And this is the difference. When Survivor comes back from commercial break, people are like, so bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. That, oh baby, that gets me hard as a rock. They are completely silent. My peanut pecker is turgid. I love that. Drag race, they could not give a fuck what these FAGs are saying. They're like, oh, fuck you. Girl, they're just, they're talking to themselves what they would wear. Like, they don't care. I'm straining to hear these homosexuals. It was an episode where they're doing a girl group, but it was all like rock music. It was like punk girl group. it's fun to watch. I love girl group episodes of Drag Race. I like to watch them. You know, you're going to go record your part with Raven Simone or whatever, you know, like they have to go record on the main stage, the fake music studio, which I love. Yeah. It's just a new music stand. It's a music stand with keyboard, but no, not plugged in. Yeah. With like Moby and Paula Cole on the keys, like truly. I don't want to wait. So I'm trying to watch Drag Race and I'm almost like I'm almost shushing people. No, no, no. Hey, I can feel the staring, right? Cause of course we're, you know, they're watching you watch, they're watching me watch it. And so I'm, and I like drag race and I'm supportive of drag race. So I'm watching it, but I'm aware that I'm the only one watching it. Everyone's talking. So I'm like the only person like, like, like, like the Pennywise deadlights. Like I'm the only one watching it. I think, I think the people are just waiting for the number. They're waiting for the performance on the main stage, you know? Cause he got the same part says miss Tati. Like that's what they're waiting for. See, that's why I skip. That's when I go have a little smoke out back or something. And then I, and then I don't even watch the lip sync. I come back to see who goes home. Right. I want, I want to watch the runway. I want to watch the challenge. That's about it. Yeah. Yeah. I was, but I love to, I just, you know what? I never like make time to watch drag race, but when it's on and I have the privilege to watch it, it's a great, I love this shit. It's a great group viewing. It's a great group viewing. I mean, I wish I, Mary, I wish you could have been there that night, the night that Lala Rhee wore the, the, um, this unforgettable night where she wore the paper bag, um, the gift bag. I mean, I've seen that. No, I know you have seen it, but I was at, um, Joseph and Hunter's house and there was probably 12 of us faggots and, um, his straight brother. Straight brother loved it. Straight brother was. Loved the bags. Well, the straight brother was, I think, a little bit preoccupied with the death threats and, and invectives we were hurling at the television the whole episode. To Lala Rhee? No, no, to everybody. Right. I mean, it was like the most unhinged, most unhinged, unfettered, unfiltered homophobia. And I left there thinking that was too much. Right. It was that that was too much. That was evil. Crime. That was evil. That was like evil. What we did was evil. I have nothing against a good fuck. There's evil here. I have nothing against drag race. There is evil here. But you know what, though? Fuck those bags. No, no, no, no, no. But wasn't just the bag. Oh, okay. I was going to say, that's a funny outfit to at least dogpile on. It's bags. Oh, it was fabulous. If you want to watch it with a group- I think even La La Re is like, girl's bags. Also, that's what you want to watch as a group. Because if you watch it by yourself, you have nobody to scream to. You know what I mean? You'd be in your living room like- Yeah. So it was- But yeah, I mean, oh gosh. But the way that we instantly became the most hate speech-filled, homophobic, fucking bottom of the barrel, like proud boy kind of people. It was just so nuts. Try and take them. Yeah, it was wild. My pronouns are kiss my ass. Yeah, it was very much that. And the straight guy was like, I think she looks nice. My pronouns are gift bag. That is so cunt though. Oh, it's amazing. It's amazing. Everybody else is and you're just reading the New York Times. She's doing the Sunday crossword. Why not? so it was fun to go to a viewing party and hang out and have snacks and drink I wish they would have paid attention a little bit show a little respect for the girls well it's okay people have the right to watch it however they want to watch it but my last viewing party was Survivor which was pin drop silence during the show I love that and we're talking like during the commercials raucous screaming splits on trees and then the second it starts usually in gay bars when you hear the ha ha ha That was my RuPaul. Uncanny. Rue? Usually when you hear that, people shut up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they were, I don't know. I guess they were there for the vibes. I think these gays were there to show off their own outfits. You don't say. A gay guy showing up at a gay place and not paying attention to any other thing, but other gay guys to have sex with? How unconscionable. Get the shoes. Get the shoes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. You went to Aldo. Yeah. You know. I hate Aldo's shoes. Right. Okay. The Game of Thrones finale at the bar. I don't know if this was AI. I don't think it was AI back then. But it was like when, spoiler, when Arya kills the Night King on episode three, the crowd erupted like it was like they just won World War II. And that touched me so deeply. And I wanted to be there so bad. But I was in Singapore hobbled, crippled, circling a computer, limping. When you were on Dragers, did you go to viewing parties with yourself in it? Yeah, I hosted them in Boston. Oh, okay, yeah. I hosted them in Boston until, right up until I was less eliminated. I think they'll shut up if you're there. Oh, no, no, no, yeah, but it was also Jacques. It wasn't so big, and it was like, yeah, we watched. I was like straining to hear this TV, and High Tops has 75 TVs. Oh, yeah. So many TVs. Mary, we had a potato that, like, with a flashlight on a little piece of cheesecloth. And then like somebody had a boombox. Like that was our setup at Jacques. So you had to like be quiet. Yeah. I guess maybe that's a good way to get them to be quiet is to truly turn the sound down. Yeah. You know, I was almost ready to be one of those teachers who was like, well, I'll wait. You just get up, stand in front of all the television. You just tape up all the televisions. Right. I was almost like getting too woke. I'm like, these artists put a lot into that. Like they should all be a little more. You have no idea how much their luggage cost to ship over there? They should have at least hired me to caption it. You know what I mean? Yes. Sign it. Well, we're not many experiences. Why don't we learn ASL? Do you know the alphabet? No. Perhaps Gabriel could help us. Gabriel. Gabriel speaks American Sign Language. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z. Well, it seems like you got a good start. I just know the alphabet. Okay. Because we used to do that thing in high school where like we wanted to, you know, the outcasts wanted to just talk shit about everybody else. So we called it like, you know. But for non-hearing individuals, is it the equivalent of being like H-E-L-L-O? Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we were not communicating with deaf folks. We knew enough. We knew well enough not to try even to do that. And plus I worry, you know, the brain is really a sponge when you're young. I worry that for you and I to take it on a new language at this point. How dare you? We remain neuroplastic, maybe not as much as we were when we were five, six, seven, eight. But I've worked with you when you have to memorize things. Yeah, but it's about desire. See, those things I don't want to memorize. But ASL, I'm dying to learn it. Right. It should be really cool. I really, because I, yeah, it would just be really cool. It seems like it would take a lot of work. Well, I mean, it's a language. Right. Yeah. Right. Have you ever had a Krispy Kreme? Are you kidding me? Was it Krispy? It was creamy. Right. The first time I had a Krispy Kreme was in Las Vegas. and I could not believe it. I know that it takes a year off your life every time you have one. Take all the years off because what I'm used to is America runs on Dunkin', which is horseshit. They're fine. No, I like the sprinkle and I like the apple fritter. But it depends on what time we're going to the store. You got to go in there. Are we going at 5.30 a.m. or are we going at 5.30 p.m.? Susie Orman, if you're going to spend the money, you want to go at the beginning of the day. Yeah, 5.30 p.m. is when they give you a hockey puck with a hardy- And they throw it at you. Yeah, they throw it at you and you didn't order anything. Yeah. Well, do you know what the king of this is? The ones at the airport. They didn't bake those. They didn't make those donuts in the airport. They get brought to you from another location. Airport donuts are always flopped out. No, mama, I went to this, a store in Las Vegas. Or like it was like, you know, not a store, but it was, they baked them there. And that thing, when that thing went in my mouth, I could not believe it. Did I have a Krispy Kreme? Yeah. Oh, wasn't it fresh? Just the glazed donut? it was fresh. They pull them out and give it to you. It's unreal. I was like, holy shit. I instantly had two more. Full body chills. Yeah. I was like, I was transformed. Have you been to, what's that airport? I think it's, um, LaGuardia. Denver has voodoo donuts, I believe in the airport. Okay. Those are great. That's the ones with like cereal on them. Yeah. I mean, I like those. Those are really nice and fun, but those are, what I love is the simplest, like the simple, the simplicity of Krispy Kreme, because I just love a glazed. A hundred. I love a glaze. and I love the chocolate glaze. I love donuts. If there's ever a donut, if there's a donut I'm in, you will never see me walk by donuts that are available to me. I could be so full that food is coming out of my throat and I will fan room for a donut. I'm like Celine with the shoes. What size do you have? I make it work. I've worn the shoes like this. You've already had three meals, sir. That doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. What size do you have? Boston cream or jelly. Neither. We're not doing fillings. Okay, great. Love it. None of this he, she, we. We're not doing fillings. No filler queens. No fillers. I mean, I agree. I don't. Yeah. Yeah. Love a donut. Maybe. Chocolate frosting. Chocolate frosting. Maybe someday we can go do a collab. A collab? Why don't we just go and eat there? A donut collab. A dough lab. We don't have to. We could just go and eat there. Yeah, I don't know. We could just buy the dough and see them. Don't you think if we do some kind of donut collab? Randy's Donuts by the airport. the Trixie and Cate Donut Colab. Or we just go to Krispy Kreme and have a bunch of donuts and pay for them, eat them and go home. Yeah, we could do that too. There was a Krispy Kreme in Atlanta when I went to visit David and baby, I just, he went to the bathroom. I ordered six more donuts and ate them while he was in the bathroom. I'm not joking. Not joking. Your metabolism is incredible. I love, America runs on Dunkin', I run on sugar. Yeah. You know, and look at me, nothing's wrong. I love breakfast. breakfast is, you will never get lunch. Wishes. Lunch is so jealous. Lunch is so jealous and torn up and just twisted about breakfast. Who cares? Yeah. And, and, and the dinner, she's so far away. They don't even fuck with each other. Lunch is. It's like new year's. New year's really thinks it's a holiday. That's the most disappointing. Who cares? Shit. No lunch is a labor day. Mama. Yeah. Lunch is flag day. I wake up lunch is hungry. Fantasizing about eggs and toast. I eat an egg almost every single day. I wake up thinking about scrambled eggs, a little dry with lots of hot sauce, salt and pepper, sourdough toast with butter and grape jelly. Sourdough toast, you faggot. Crispy bacon. Yeah, crispy. Fucking fluffy pancakes. Just one little triangle of French toast. Maybe a brioche French toast with some maple butter. Bitch. And then a fucking sausage and then an orange juice to get the good old acid reflux. With the orange juice? Oh, yeah. To get that bubbling. In pain all day? Oh, yeah. To throw up later that night. What about grapefruit juice? No, no, because I'm doing a pot of coffee as well. Right. And then I'm good. Do you make your own coffee every day? I do. You do. Do you have one of those machines? No, I go out. I go to Columbia. I don't send people to a press or whatever. No, no, no. I do. I get ground coffee. I'm very basic. I do Mr. Coffee. What do you think of instant coffee? Instant coffee is disgusting. I had a roommate who drank instant coffee. It's absolutely disgusting. It's undrinkable. Is it just, it's just powder and water. it's just it's not even powder it's like it's like it's like it's coarse it sucks it's disgusting that just like gave me a chill yeah it's gross Sanka Sanka you're welcome bye bye wait wait wait do you love coffee let us know hot cough good mood huh okay bye Bye.