Parenting Your Parents

Daddy gang, welcome back to another Sunday session. I feel like it's kind of in a while since we've been here and just chatted together and so I'm really excited to have this space today because there is something that my friends and I have been talking about a lot lately that I wanted to just kind of like open up and share with you guys because I'm assuming it is applicable to all of your lives as well. So I had a few girlfriends over last week for a little wine night and one of my close friends had just gotten back from a week-long vacation with her family so we were excited to hear her stories and have her just tell us all about it but instead of you know coming back relaxed, beautiful, well rested, excited to share the details, she was so absolutely exhausted and as she started telling us about what happened and why she was emotionally drained from the trip, all of us just began like aggressively nodding along to her story being like absolutely yep, we understand, we have been there, we understand, we've all gone through this. So basically my friend on this vacation had gone through her first experience of having to be the parent to her own parents and listen back when you were a kid traveling with your parents, obviously your brain could probably just go on to autopilot right? Like maybe your dad had the boarding passes, your mom had all the snacks planned, it was just you and your Harry Potter book against the world and you didn't have to worry about a goddamn thing. You could literally go through the airport blindfolded and like you wouldn't, you would get there, you would get there, you don't even know how you got there but you got there because your parents led you there but now maybe you get to the airport and your dad can't understand how the self-service baggage tagging ticket situation works right? So then you end up taking over, it's all right dad I got this one and then your mom can't figure out how to download the airplane app on her phone so you're like no, no, no, no, I got it, don't worry mom, like we got it and then maybe you land right? You're in a new city and the process of finding the Uber pickup location is basically impossible for them so then you're like don't worry guys, I will lead you to the promised land, I got this and then from there figuring out the hotel logistics or the car rental or the dinner reservations or the trip I generate like it basically just starts to fall all on you because you're just quicker and more capable than your parents. So now you're on this vacation looking around of like what is going on and maybe you're starting to think to yourself how the fuck did my parents ever do all of this on their own? Like not only that, how did they do this all when they also had young children to navigate? Like how am I alive? How am I breathing to this day? And I don't want to sound dramatic but like I get like technology at the airport and on trips, I understand it has changed a lot and it can be super confusing and overwhelming for anyone but my friends and I came to the conclusion that it's not really about that because like at some point there was a different form of technology at the airport that they also had to figure out right? Like it's about the fact that now in certain settings our parents they just fully rely on us and it's not the other way around anymore. Look when we're kids our parents exist in this larger than life role in our lives right? They're the people who just like know how to fix everything. They know where we're supposed to be and when we're supposed to be there and they calm us down when we're upset and they make our big wins and our big moments feel really special and they're just like essentially the ones holding up the entire structure of our lives right? They keep everything together and because of that and because that dynamic is so like just natural and almost unspoken I guess growing up I don't think we ever stop to consider the fact that our parents are not actually these static ever solid figures. Like it's a crazy concept I know guys but like our parents are human beings. They are changing, evolving, aging, learning new things or struggling through other things right? Like all while we are focusing on our own growth and I think like this concept when I say that it can be slightly uncomfortable at least for me to think about my parents as being these like deeply complex people and like constantly moving forward in their own lives because in my head like I'm like no no no they're just mom and dad like they've just been mom and dad and it's like no. Like they were babies at one point, they were children at one point, they got fucked up from their parents at some point too. They went to whether it was high school or college and fell in love multiple times. Like they've lived the same similar lives or different lives than us but they've done all the feelings and things that we've done and I think it's hard to engage with the thoughts of like oh my god my parents inevitably are not just my parents they're also individuals who aren't going to be here forever. They may not be here one day and so as my friend was talking I actually could just totally to relate to like what she was going through with her parents because I had actually really struggled through a very similar situation with my own. This happened a couple years back and I think I kind of podcasted about this a little bit at one point but over Christmas I was like really looking forward to the time off with my family and getting a break from life and I was also just very used to the holidays just being handled by my parents which was something I appreciated more and more as my adult life got busier right? I would whether it was I come came home from college or whether I came back from the city like I would just go home and they'd have the tree decorated, they'd have all of my childhood things in the room, I'm like oh my god they kept everything, the meals are prepared, they have the gifts wrapped like it was all just ready and so my siblings and I could just pop in and enjoy the holidays and it was like a prerequisite like you're like of course my parents will have all this ready but that year we decided we weren't going to go home to Pennsylvania for Christmas and somehow that turned into all of the holiday planning like kind of falling on me and now also in hindsight again like did it fall on me or did I put it on myself because I felt like they weren't like in the same headspace anymore to put it together? I don't know but I was the one finding us a house, finding our flights, booking our cars, planning the meals, doing the grocery shopping, making a schedule and while I was capable of course of handling it I was also extremely overwhelmed and I felt like not once during that holiday was I ever able to fully relax or enjoy the time with my parents the way that I used to and it really ended up getting to me and I started thinking back to how when I was a kid I maybe took for granted the way that my parents had just had everything handled and yeah I guess that's what parents are supposed to do but whether it was from soccer practice to homework to school lunches to scheduling I always had this layer of stability beneath me where I didn't have to think about everything all at once because there was someone who loved me that was just taking care of it and that is I would just also want to acknowledge like of course that is not the case for everyone so I do want to just super quick like disclaimer here that I can only speak obviously from my relationship with my parents and what I was able to experience growing up I'm so fortunate that I had the experience I did if you grew up with an unstable family dynamic or abuse or trauma a lot of what I'm unpacking today may not relate to you in the same way which I completely understand but I do want to use today to talk about how foundationally destabilizing it can be to realize that your parents now need you more than you need them is basically what I'm trying to say like what the fuck for me confronting that over I remember that Christmas holiday specifically it felt like I was going through this massive identity shift because I wanted my parents to still be my parents and I also knew I was probably the more capable one and I didn't know how I felt about it and I didn't feel like I could talk to them about it so then I just started handling things and then I was like kind of resentful but then I was also like they've done this my whole life like I should step up right and I just remember on that trip I became really hyper fixated on the way everything was changing like change was so uncomfortable right like you're just like what is happening your reality all of a sudden it just feels like it completely shifts and all these little moments were making me extremely emotional which is why I then like booked a therapy appointment immediately upon returning home because I was like I need to tell my therapist like something is changing and I need help but it was one of the most existential therapy sessions I think I've had for like a really long time because for better or for worse my therapist told me that I was not catastrophizing any of this she was like from birth to death our lives as humans revolve around dependence independence and interdependence when we're born we're completely dependent on our parents for regulation safety and structure their job is essentially to just help us grow into independence while still maintaining our familial connection right so if we have a secure attachment to our parents then we naturally internalize the feeling that something solid exists above us and that solidity becomes just like a part of your nervous system you don't even question it it's just been there since a very young age right and so then when aging begins to slowly chip away at this stability it's actually an indication that a foundational shift is happening the relationship is now interdependent on a much deeper level I was like okay therapist let me write this down because hold on say that one more time I'm gonna really need to I'm gonna also need to tell this to the daddy gang um so I pulled my notes back up for this episode and I was like what did she say to me again um but for me that meant that I was now becoming the top layer of reliability in our family structure and I was like wait I don't know if I want this yet I don't know if I'm ready for this like how did this happen and so if you think about it that shift might be it may it may be great in some ways right like I think there is something great about stepping into a larger role in your family it means that you are now fully capable of taking care of things it means that my parents successfully did their job right I am now able to provide and protect and do all the things but it also means a lot more responsibility was coming my way that I don't think anyone really warns you about there's not this like literal passive the torch it's like alright sweet like that doesn't happen it's just like this unsaid thing that just slowly shifts and so you think about it and you're like okay you now need to be the one to make sure that they're going to their doctor appointments and maybe it's not today but like it's coming we're like you're going to be the one that has to be on top of their healthcare you need to be the one to fully set up the wi-fi or their phones or their TVs or their iPads or like whatever devices it is that they're overwhelmed by right you need to call them to check in on them because all of their friends you know maybe they moved to florida and so then they haven't had any human interaction in like three days and you're like you guys good like I know some people watching maybe you only have one parent right and that person you're like constantly worried about worried about worried about and you and you probably sit with yourself and you're like when did I start to be so worried about this person because when did the roles shift they always were just worried about me and I was frolicking along and I was like you know drinking at some club and waking up in a random man's fucking basement in Brooklyn being like hey and my mom was probably so worried and I wasn't even thinking about my mom at that point right I was just hoping I had an orgasm like you're not even thinking about your parents and then all of a sudden one day you're more stressed about their safety their well-being their health and you're like when did I know even that my parents went to the doctor like I didn't know my parents went to like I hate this to realize that there are like no longer built in structures for your life there are only the structures that you choose to invest in moving forward that so much of that stability when you were younger and that comfort and that like it also just can't exist your your parents can't protect you in that way anymore right like they can't walk you into your job every day and make sure that everyone's being nice to you like when you were young and in kindergarten they're like let's have a after-school conference with the parents and come together because your kid was bullying mine they don't do that anymore it's on you now and again that is the whole point of life that they got you to the point where you can then advocate for yourself but it fucking sucks because I still want my mom to make my doctor's appointments like I know that I want to be independent and I don't want to want my mommy or my daddy but also I want them you know it's just it's a little fucking mind fuck and I remember according to my therapist this is very common for people in their early 30s to mid 40s to be facing as we just like reach a state of full independence our parents begin to exit their state of full independence it's like it's basically like two escalators moving in complete opposite directions you're like bye mom and dad they're like bye sweetie and you're like okay we're basically swapping positions and so as aging begins to impact our parents physical health and their energy and their cognition like they step onto the escalator moving downward oh my god that like is making me almost sad and want to cry and then because like it's so fucking sad that like that's the whole thing of life and now they're getting older and I think this often happens right when you are in one of the busiest most generative phases of your own life right you're building a career you're managing relationships maybe you're raising kids which obviously makes I think the emotional collision just so much harder when you're like on this high and then your parents are shifting so much and you're like wait wait wait wait wait wait stop what are you doing why wait no I don't I don't like this and I think sometimes this change can be incredibly pronounced right like maybe a sudden accident or a life shift happens and it alters your family's circumstances but I think more often like there really is no clear moment when the dynamic formally changes from what I was talking about with my friends like none of us had that big like this happened so then this happened it was just kind of like when did this happen like I can't really pinpoint it like you're just slowly realizing that you're existing in a different place in your family than you used to be and your nervous system is trying to reconcile what the actual f is happening so for me when I was navigating this and I'm kind of embarrassed to admit it but I think my nervous system processed these just changes with like feelings of intense frustration I found myself more frustrated and annoyed than ever with my parents as I saw them aging and I know this was coming from my inner child just wanting to be that little kid again and wanting things to go back to the way that they used to be but instead of sitting with that sadness ultimately and allowing it to just cycle through I just got irrationally irritated and I know that probably sounds terrible because it's like not their fault but I think it was like when I was having a super hard day at work and I'm like juggling my job and my relationship and my friendships and all the stress in my life it would piss me off if my dad was calling me like asking me for help on something that like he used to be able to like maybe figure out on his own and it just felt unnatural and meanwhile now I look back and I'm like oh my god like no that's actually so beautiful that my dad has helped me get to every place I have gotten in life and the fact that he's I he's never had to ask me for anything like my dad when I'm growing up like he never asked me like can you help me like I don't like never and so the fact that he is now able to ask me for help because I am a capable human being that should be something that I can look at as a positive but it was just too scary to me so I was like this is annoying and it's like it's not annoying it's like a beautiful progression of me being an independent individual that now can actually support my father and I used to not be able to do that and how great that I can now but at the time I was like dad can't you just google it and it's like no be there for him and I think it's also just because like I felt like there was already so much on my plate and I just wanted to be their kid that's where I was still in my head like I just want to be your kid again and I that's what I want but that's just not the case right and so I remember this was like two years ago I would be like snippy and I would take it out on my dad or my mom because all the things in my life trust me out and what I really wasn't getting underneath is like it's not that he's calling me and asking me for help it was freaking me out that he was calling me and asking me for help because that had never happened before and I also by the way would then like immediately like this is this guilt then started to like really get underneath me and that was like a huge therapy session I had with my therapist where I was like I don't like this I'm feeling guilty why am I speaking to my parents this way like they gave up their whole lives for me dedicated 31 years of raising me and I can't take five minutes to explain something like what the fuck is wrong with me and it's this whiplash from guilt to frustration to sadness and where it led for me was just then I remember going into like pure avoidance I didn't want to deal with it I didn't want to think about it I just wanted my parents to stay constant and I wanted them to stay the same and again that is not reality and that is why I went to therapy and my therapist is like let's talk this through I remember my therapist was like all of this whiplash and frustration stems from something that she I remember she called it anticipatory grief which I was like I don't like that I don't like that what's that I don't like that at all it's basically grieving someone before they're even gone simply because there is so much internal stress and anxiety around losing them that is just taking up your mental load which I was like okay that's enough for this session I was like and time and she's like we're only 15 minutes in I was like okay I'm fucked like I think that anxiety that's really what was coming up for me constantly and I can't speak for any of you going through this but when I reflect like on this big kind of um inflection point I went through two years ago we would be sitting around at a normal dinner and I would suddenly get this deep guttural sadness realizing that this version of my parents was finite and one day they wouldn't be here at dinner with me and it's these small moments that your brain can take and then just spiral into like what's gonna happen when they're gone like is this the last time that we're ever you know have these type of holidays together or how much longer do we have like will I ever you know like I hope my mom and my father around for like all of my kids when I have kids one day right like I would just get so overwhelmed and my mind would then start racing ahead to these scenarios that hadn't happened and probably wouldn't happen for a really long time but this anxiety is just like my brain's attempt to control what it can't actually control and there is nothing more out of our control than our parents inevitable aging and so luckily my therapist didn't just let me end the therapy session there I remember I was like bye she's like sit down I'm like okay this is why I paid the big bucks um my therapist shared that there was a way to gain some agency over this spiral and I think you all know what I'm gonna say maybe not um it's kind of like a therapist's answer to every single problem you ever had um and it's really fucking hard to do but the answer always is you need to have a conversation with your parents where you all acknowledge what is happening and talk about moving forward and Daddy Gang as much as it sucks to sit down with your parents and talk about the ways that they are aging and so awkward and also like uncomfortable because you're like wait a second although I do kind of feel like the parent in this dynamic to acknowledge it to my parents face how is that gonna work because like even though it feels this way I don't want to acknowledge it's so it's so awkward but it is so important to do it before I think life forces you and trust me it actually does help to have these conversations because so much of what you're feeling you're then able to kind of like get a handle on the situation when you open it up to all of you so you can be like this is what's going on guys it doesn't also it doesn't need to be some dramatic sit down of like we need to talk about how you're getting old like sit down dad you're like what the fuck like okay thanks like no it shouldn't be so so intense because if you come in hot about how your parents aren't as young and as capable and as with it like they're just gonna feel like shit or get defensive and be like what are you talking about these are grown adults who raised you and have been nothing but capable of taking care of you their entire lives it is going to be uncomfortable for you all to address the shift but it's needed and so instead my approach was to just start the conversation from my own viewpoint of like hey I have been thinking a lot about my future your guys future and I just want to like talk about how you guys factor into it have you guys thought about retirement and what's that going to look like long term like do you guys have whether it's a will or do you what do you have planned for the next x amount of years and what do you need help with in this next phase of life I think it's just helpful to really keep in like keep it focused on how you can be there to best support them as they look ahead at their own futures and just emphasize that you're here to make this time feel easier and more comfortable for them and obviously if they're in denial about the fact that things are starting to change that's when you can start to mention some just like tangible examples of like well you know like I did notice like you forgot that appointment last week dad or like you know I see the lawn hasn't been wode in a while like could we find someone to help come and handle that like basically gentle reminders of changes that don't feel too daunting like that's a good place to start I would say the conversation it also may help if you have siblings to call them or your partner or friends search for just reinforcement but like when you get to I just remember sitting down with my parents being like guys we all feel this shift in like the matriarch and the patriarch of the family and it's all changing and the siblings are now becoming the ones and the parents are not as like let's just fucking talk about it and it took many conversations like it wasn't just one and done it was a lot like so much of this conversation is is just like first of all the way you approach it like again not having it be too heavy remember you're not stepping in and taking over their lives like we've got to put you on a conservatorship now you're like what like that's really not happening they still have authority and autonomy over their lives but you're just showing them that you want to support them and they don't need to hide their struggles but you also want to put it out in the open that the dynamic is shifting that maybe you would never talk about their finances or their living situation or their future plans in the past when you're in college or high school but now you probably need to know these things because god forbid something happens to one of the other parents and you whatever it is you need to be there to support them to some capacity again everyone's situation is different but i think that emotional support of like i'm here you can talk to me is important because honestly of course our parents want to protect us they want to shield us from all the shitty things in life including their own problems they haven't stopped being parents it may feel that way to some of us but they haven't but it's now on us to open the door and say hey we don't need to avoid this let's move forward in a way that we all feel good about and so i guess the point of this is like at the end of the day parenting your parents is actually a sign of really amazing reciprocity in one of the most important relationships that you will have in your lifetime the role reversal is painful to confront in the beginning i think but once you do acknowledge it it really does make it helpful to mitigate some of the frustration that's probably been felt on both sides right like being open about this i personally think can help you give back some of those moments where you do just want to be a kid again which on my end has been really nice i would say once i was able to have this conversation about my parents are just like i'm stressing out you guys are getting older the dynamic is shifting i feel like i need to take on more responsibility but once we got through that it's almost like we needed to just put it out in the open that the dynamic had changed and then since then what's so ironic is i now have kind of felt like i'm able to be a kid again with my parents because i now am so excited to lean into the emotional aspect of our relationship i feel like so much of growing up is logistics and your environment and protecting how did i end up going to soccer all the time or whatever and it's just like these things that i talked about at the beginning of this like that were these unsaid obvious things that my parents just provided now i think in this later half of their life what i'm now tapping into is the complete opposite of what my childhood really was now i'm able to way more have the ability to front load on just the emotional dynamic with my parents i go over to my parents house and i just talk to them about how i'm feeling and what i'm going through and that's all that that's it right now that i'm kind of more in the supportive role on logistics and we've all put that out there and acknowledged that it's been so beautiful to realign and being like now i just want to have my mom and dad there for that emotional side which has been really really beautiful i don't know it's it's a weird turning point and i think in terms of how you're gonna show up for your parents going forward like the range of things they're going to need help with is so wide every single person listening to this your situation is going to be different maybe it's handling their taxes for them or finding a way to financially figure out you know whether it's a house cleaner for them maybe it's helping them get doctor's appointments or maybe it's just fully organizing um an assisted living situation or you going over a couple times a month and helping organize their house for them or clean it like whatever it is like it's going to fluctuate as time goes on it's going to fluctuate given you know your financial situation your proximity to your parents like there's so many dynamics so the last thing that my therapist reminded me of is that you still need to protect your own mental health first navigating the final chapters of someone's life alongside them is extremely mentally taxing and it's even more painful when it's someone you're so close to when it's our parents we can feel selfish or i don't know even shameful to not give them 100 percent of every part of our time and energy because we feel like they did that for us growing up and we might feel guilty that we're not able to be there for them around the clock but in reality this transitional time is only going to be healthy and good for everyone if you're also protecting your emotional bandwidth so maybe that means dividing the labor more equally between you and your siblings maybe that means looking into a caregiver maybe it's small and simple as like only talking on the phone when you're able to call them not the other way around that they call you all the time like whatever it is you're entering the role of being more of a parent to your parents but they're not the sole focus of your life and that's okay you're allowed to put parameters in place to make sure that you don't become a full-time caregiver when you genuinely just don't have the time to and i also want to acknowledge that the expectations on how to show up for your parents in this time of their lives it can be really also rooted in culture or your family's background right you might not be in a situation where it's okay to be bringing outside help in but that doesn't mean you can't still find ways to protect your own mental health right whether it's with your family or with work or with your friends you need to try to find some section of your life to set boundaries in and that goes for everything not just with your parents right because you can't just you can't be crashing out being like i'm giving everything to everyone and like i have nothing left no in my opinion setting boundaries really just means you're allowing yourself to be more present during the time that you have with your parents or with your partner whoever right because yes there will be a day when you don't get their calls anymore there will be a last holiday where you orchestrated everything there will be a last plane ride together and i don't say that to be dark i say that because when we allow ourselves to just fully accept it i think it's really helpful when it comes to actually enjoying the current moment i don't know what tomorrow or next week or next year with my parents is going to hold but i do know now that whatever happens we're going to communicate through it and in the meantime i can continue to show up as their daughter in the day to day this stage of independence is actually it's a really sweet spot in your relationship with your parents you're both giving and you're receiving in different ways and if you're able to be open about that then this stage can really just deepen that foundation instead of destabilizing it but the first step is just acknowledging it and i know that isn't easy there are days i still get overwhelmed and i'm scared about what the future holds but i also know that my parents have equipped me with the tools that i need to handle those changes head on so we're all just like sitting being like okay there's a lot there's a lot going on right now even if you're 30 40 50 60 100 years old you never stop being someone's child okay and i also love it like daddy gang we're all talking about this right now i don't know if anyone is thinking of having kids i know i want to have kids like then one day i'm gonna be the fucking woman hopefully knock on wood i last that long that's like can you come help me with my taxes and my kids are showing up like that's just a cycle of life right the relationship that you share with your parents it's so sacred and it's so complicated and there's so there's just so much to these dynamics and even after they're gone even after you lose your parents or a parent whatever it be like they pass on to us but when we will pass on to our children one day and so forth and how we treat our friendships and all of it so there's so much that's intertwined and it's at the core of who we are is really what our relationship with our parents is and was and is going to continue to be it's so formative to who we are as individuals and so to not acknowledge your relationship with your parents and it's changing like we do this with friendships we do this with relationships so we have to do this with our parents too your relationship with your parents is not going to be stagnant for the rest of your life as much as we may want it to as much as we may want them to do our laundry and to cook us the chicken noodle soup and to cradle us and tells everything's going to be okay i mean they can still do some of that but like i said they can't walk you into work every day and if they are with the girl then you need to you need to get into therapy okay because we need to adjust okay i feel like we should like answer a couple questions to like really wrap this up and maybe end on a little bit of a brighter happier note you ready let's do it okay question one alex please help my ex and i were close friends before we ever dated and we share a huge mutual friend group at home our relationship ended last year mostly because of timing we were at different colleges and long distance just didn't end up working it wasn't some explosive breakup he now plays hockey and is planning to go overseas in the fall this summer back in our hometown might be the last time i could ever see him i've accepted that the relationship is over but there are still things i wish were just different about the whole situation here's my question i want to write him a letter and give it to him this summer before he leaves we have no contact right now anyway so part of me thinks why not i know it might be dumb but i don't want to regret never telling him all my true feelings before he goes away this is some dear john type shit okay and this also sounds like alex in college oh my god i loved a letter oh i loved a letter i loved a letter because you know what it was more manipulative it was more for me to know that i was just gonna like ruin him like oh he's gonna be so in love like i needed him i needed him to just like just chew on that like oh chew on that like linger on that buddy like giving a man a letter it just and even if he did like if he threw it out in your head you think like damn that's notebook type shit like oh that has weight let me tell you something first of all this man isn't dead and he's not like going away to the army like he's going to play hockey overseas so when you're worried you're never gonna see this man again he's probably gonna get cut right he's probably gonna get cut he's gonna get homesick he's gonna come home also there's facebook instagram twitter dms what up you like facetime you just facetime him like you don't act like this is like we're done we're done we're done if like you could contact him immediately you could call him right now but i get it you're like you're almost convincing yourself like this is it like him leaving the country is like the sign that like it's over so let it be over right instead of like then writing this letter because what is the point of the letter you telling him your feelings you're no contact right now it didn't work when you were long distance in the same country it's definitely not gonna work now that he's out of the country my fear is that you are romanticizing this thing and him leaving you're convincing yourself that what if you write this letter just write it to yourself and then don't give it to him if you give it to him what do you want out of it will it hurt more if you give him this letter and then he doesn't contact you after you're like dear john every time i see a rose i think of you every time i walk through the streets at night with the twinkling stars i think of you every time i have a brisk brew in the morning i think of you every time i smell peppermint reminds me of that christmas we spend under the stars like you're good and then he doesn't respond you're gonna be like what are you you know so i think a lot of this like a lot of times i think us as girlies we want to we want to get in there we want to get underneath it we want to we want to get validated that he did love us that he did care he's gone you know and if he cared he would be he would be letting you know that he cared and so my fear for you is you're just gonna get more hurt by writing this really really really intense letter that is just gonna leave you broken hearted now am i being a hypocrite because i was someone who would write letters yes yes yes so let's talk about the letter because you're gonna write the letter even if i tell you not to write the letter because even if i was back in college and i was listening to call our daddy i would have written the letter do you know what i mean so i think what the letter needs to say now that we've gone all the way back words on what i just told you to not do now let's just write the letter right i think what you need to do is recognize what do you want out of this right do you want him how about this he's in a different country he thinks oh i'm gonna get so much pussy but it's not gonna feel the same as home you know i mean this doesn't feel like that homegrown pussy so you got to remind him like i'm here and and and i don't even really think that we're meant to be but before you go this is more for me and you almost need to make it like go go go go john like of course we're not together but like this is closure for myself so almost he gets on that delta flight and he's like oh fuck and then you almost make him sick to his stomach that he's on that flight and that he's leaving so every time he does like hook up with a new girl he's like ooh but he keeps it in his bedside drawer because he's like ooh it makes me feel cozy it makes she's i'm homesick for her you need to make him kind of pine over you but you need to let him know that you're not pining over him so make sure that the letter is not like if only we could have worked out it's more like hidden with all the fucking good ass times and boom boom bomb bomb maybe throwing a nude there like oops didn't need to put that in there but then you're kind of like i'm moving forward and i think in a great way like you going to another country like this is such a good restart for both of us and i just had to say this so i could fully move forward and like start dating with like no you know weight on my chest like bye john like hope you score a few goals and then he's going to be like but but Cassidy i want to be deep in that puss and you're like oh well you better come back if you want this and then it will just reignite you know what i mean oh it was so fun to be toxic but like i have no energy for it anymore like i'm just like too old now i'm like oh god my back hurts thinking about all the texting i was doing like carpal tunnel you know what i mean but the letters i would write to a guy i don't know if i ever told the story of the time where me and my like super super super super super toxic ex-boyfriend that i was like madly in love with i was like forbidden to see him for like so many different reasons and i wrote him 365 letters and i left it on his doorstep before i left for college yeah um hi ali from the notebook yeah me and rachel macadams i could have played the part because i and let me tell you something i was in love with that man but i more did it for myself because i thought this is so romantic this is so epic this is so epic i bought a box i put the 365 letters in there every day i wrote him a letter i would actually murder myself if i read those letters now what was i saying i think i was honestly on tumblr like looking up quotes and then there would be such good tumblr quotes of like the heart ache and the pain of not being able to be with the person you love oh my god honestly they probably were slay okay i was like i was good at writing but when i think back to that time i'm like why was i doing that i didn't even think he would read any of the letters i think it was for myself it was like cathartic it was so it was like artsy girl just like brooding in the corner like wanting my man back and you know i guess i wouldn't take it back at least you know what they always say like don't put something in writing i could deny it like that's not my handwriting you know what i mean a text is forever a letter huh you could always you could always play it off like it was someone else oh man that totally wasn't me that was someone else he faked it so write the letter yeah i guess we're going all the way back to this more of the story is write the letter because it is so it's so good it's romantic it's pathetic it's everything and we're alive once and you're gonna look back one day like oh man remember when he went overseas and i wrote him that fucking fuck ass letter the only thing i would say actually last note and then we actually can move on is you have to take a picture of the letter because when i tell you though this has to be our last question this is just too good when i tell you when i look back i think to myself of all the letters that i've written men because 365 boy he wasn't the only one that received a letter from a coop okay actually stopped being the face so cringe um i would say that it is so fun to go back and read your fuck ass letters when you get older and your frontal lobe just like continues to develop and you just keep getting better you look back at yourself and you're like oh my god sweetie you were so pathetic i'm obsessed with you or you're like you were so good i could never like there are parts of myself when i read certain letters that i wrote oh oh i was like that is grade a type shit i need to give this to someone to put into a movie i found a box recently of letters that my exes wrote me even fucking better oh my god give him a return address put your address on there so he could maybe what if you guys start oh my god if he starts writing you letters you are oh my god you're going to have a gold mine like i'm telling you as a 31 year old woman who had so many different relationships and a lot of them were just not the healthiest a lot of them were letter you know letter driven it's so good because now as a stable person i read them and it's better than reality tv i'm like i can't believe this is real like a man sat down a professional athlete sat down when he was in like wisconsin for his game that night and before the game he sat down pen to paper it says like the weston or like whatever fucking like the marriott and he's like writing down like alex alex i got your letter i got your letter i know things have been tense being on the road i wish you were my bed oh my god you have to write this letter even if nothing comes of it dm me and let's make a tv show out of this we know hockey sells right hockey boy leaves the country your ronde viewing it up your writing letters back and forth there's like a little trist and a little you fly across and you meet him and he's with another woman and then you try to leave but he pulls out the letter it says remember when you told me i was the love of your life and you're like but you're lying and then this whole thing oh my god and then you say and you fuck his fucking coach and it's the whole oh my god you're so writing the letter ah you're writing the letter that is such a good way to end this episode oh my god i need to go get my letters and we should read them on this fucking show i get like five season desists they're like no um oh it's good all right well that's it for this week's episode that took a turn i i almost forgot the fact that this whole episode started on us being like oh my god like our parents are dying this is like really depressing like they're on their way out what are we gonna do and now i'm like let's go write a romcom dear john things can change in an instant on call her daddy you know what i mean wow i'm feeling inspired um i'm gonna go write a screenplay okay daddy gang thank you so much for tuning in and prepare yourselves because we have a very very very uh interesting episode coming out this week some drama some tea also the hannah montana 20th anniversary special is dropping on this tuesday so get ready get set please don't go okay love you guys i will see you on wednesday bye you