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It's time to turn those what ifs into... with Shopify Today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com slash RBG. Go to Shopify.com slash RBG. That's Shopify.com slash RBG. Hey friends. Welcome to the Raising Boys and Girls podcast. I'm Sissy Goff. And I'm David Thomas. And we're so glad you've joined us for this conversation. Let's dive in. So you all, I got a text this week from a lifelong friend who is so courageous and is seeing a counselor right now who's been really helpful for her. She was talking about a family member who struggles with being critical of her and how to respond. And her therapist gave her this phrase. It is, I am not open to hearing your thoughts about me right now, but very open to hearing your thoughts about you. Made me so happy. I want to remember that. I want to engrave it somewhere where I can see it over and over. And you all, what a beautiful statement as we think about teenagers who can be the most critical of you parents, of anyone else in your life. So that's a great one to say. I'm going to say it again in case you want to jot it down. I'm not open to hearing your thoughts about me right now, but very open to hearing your thoughts about you. So good. So there's your best takeaway for our whole conversation about teenagers. But if we were to add to it, as we think about the jump from middle schoolers to high schoolers, we would say if middle school is where capability can quietly stall, high school is where the consequences start to show. So because of this, some patterns are forming. How kids handle pressure, how they show up in relationships, how much responsibility they're willing to carry. And what we're seeing right now is a widening gap in those spaces. Some kids, I think you would say especially girls are carrying too much. Others, I would say often boys are stepping back and carrying too little. We talk about how girls are often overperforming and I worry that a lot of boys are underperforming. And so neither leads to capability. OK, let's talk about the things we're seeing the most these days. One that I hinted at last week is low expectations in relationship. You all like I have never seen or heard about the bar has become so low relationally with friendships and with someone that they're in relationship with dating. And because so much interaction is happening online, communication is less personal. Accountability is lower and expectations drop. We are seeing girls tolerate inconsistency, lack of effort and even disrespect. And I would say extreme to the degree of harassment. And like I said, it's not just friends, but it's boys, too. I have never heard as many stories about boys taking advantage of girls emotionally and physically saying horrible things, devaluing them. And you all, as you hear me say that, I want you to listen to all things birds and bees put out when we think about girls being taken advantage of, boys being taken advantage of. And we were a part of some great conversations with Paul of Ferris around dating. And so we're going to link to those in the show notes, too, because I think we've got to be talking to kids about this. We've got to help them in both places, raise the bar on their expectations. Studies from Pew Research Center show teens increasingly experience friendships and dating dynamics digitally in this day and time, which can reduce empathy and increase misunderstanding. And I believe increase bullying and harassment that that the person on the other end of the screen isn't a real person so often. And here's the connection back to capability as we think about these things. When expectations drop, kids don't learn how to advocate for themselves, which actually is a chapter we have in the capable book, teaching kids to learn to advocate for themselves, how to choose healthy relationships, friendships and dating relationships. Or how to walk away when something isn't right, because I am not seeing kids do that in this day and time. So good. OK, can I talk about a real concern I have for boys right now? Please. I have long carried concern about these things. I feel greatly concerned right now at this point in time in the world. And it is the two major ways that I think boys are, adolescent boys are coping with life and it's medicating with screens and medicating with substances. Both offer the same thing and escape from reality. They don't have to feel disappointment, face pressure or work through a difficulty. And let's think about what the research tells us. The adolescent brain research shows reward systems are highly sensitive during the stage, increasing vulnerability to dopamine driven habits and substance use. And you all, I want you to at the end of this episode, go back and listen or re-listen to an incredible conversation we had with Jessica Leahy. It's episode 63. She wrote a great book called The Addiction Inoculation, which I think should be a required read for every parent of a teenager as you are moving into this highly vulnerable space. Also, research tells us increased screen time is associated with higher rates of depression and lower motivation and teen voice. That certainly aligns with what we see in our work here. And the problem is capability only grows when kids learn to live life on life's terms. And these patterns invite them to numb out and shut down instead. Yes. So let's think about girls again. And I want to talk specifically about perfectionism and social media because you all have heard me say this, but I've never been as concerned about the perfectionism that is so crippling to teenage girls right now. And what we're seeing is almost the opposite pattern from what David described. Girls are over functioning, over achieving, over carrying entirely too many things. And I think that's driven by anxiety, by comparison, by the pressure of social media, by the pressure to get into college and have this resume that is ridiculous in terms of what it requires. And I feel like perfectionism among adolescent girls is one of the hardest things to really push back on because they absolutely believe that it is a requirement of life to over function in all of these places. You all, we've got to alleviate that. We've got to help lower the pressure for them because I worry they're going to do what we both seen kids do, where they get to college and it really is too much. And they bought them out and end up coming home because you're not there to help monitor and help them learn to manage it in healthier ways. And what research from the American Psychological Association shows is that teenage girls today are reporting higher levels of anxiety, perfectionism and academic pressure than previous generations. I would certainly believe that that is true. And here's what's tricky. It works just as we're talking about. They succeed, they achieve and they look like they're doing great. But underneath that for these girls, there's exhaustion, there's a fear of failure. There's frequent panic attacks for them and this fragile sense of identity rather than capability because it's not flowing out of who they are. It's a requirement for who they have to be. And now a quick break to hear from one of our incredible sponsors who make the podcast available. 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I want to circle back to that idea of boys caring too little and performing and overperforming. So where girls often care too much, boys are increasingly caring too little. We're seeing underperformance, disengagement, lack of motivation. And culturally, this is showing up in real ways. College enrollment data shows a growing gender gap with significantly fewer males enrolling compared to females in recent years. And this isn't about ability. It's about expectation when the bar is low, kids don't stretch. They don't risk. They don't grow. And you all have heard us talk repeatedly about what comes before. If elementary age boys are allowing fear to get in the way of trying out for new teams, if adolescent boys are letting fear get in the way of getting a driver's license, asking a girl to a homecoming dance or the prom, you can see where that would graduate up to. Of course, I don't want to apply to school. Of course, I don't want to be competing for scholarships. So I have been thinking a lot, David, about how I feel like we are talking about this lack of capability in kids all the time. And I and and you all have heard us say to I have never felt so strongly about saying by the book. Yeah. I mean, because I think I've always been afraid of self-serving to say that out loud. And you all, we've got to change things. We've got to do something about this. And so no matter what age your kids are, because sometimes I think when you're a parent of a teenager, you think, well, it's too late. We've already missed the boat. You have not missed the boat. And this book is full of practical ideas, not just exercises your kids can be doing to help them discover their capability. But we talk about five strengths, five skills, five strategies that kids need to have you all to navigate life. And so as we're thinking about what kids actually need, I'm going to say really boldly, y'all, and I hope you hear me say it with humility to confident humility. They need you to buy this book. They need you to read this, continue to listen to this series, because we've got to do something different to help them. So that's what I want to talk about, though, besides the book, what they actually need and what we can do to change this crisis of capability. Can I go first with one? Please. Healthy connections. And within those connections, someone who is raising the bar, we don't want to lower the bar, raise the bar. They need relationships that are kind, consistent, and challenging in the right ways. And this is where environments matter. Things like youth groups, teams, clubs, we shared interests. They need to be a part of these experiences. And I was just talking to a really wise, thoughtful mom this week that wanted us to talk to her youth staff at our church, because she was saying, my kids don't want to go to youth group anymore. And you all, we have never seen that like we're seeing it today. And there is a decline in participation in all of these spaces, but they're not optional for kids. Kids and teenagers especially need to experience healthy peers, especially girls seeing kind boys and boys seeing engaged, respectful friendships. They need all of those things. And they need to be hearing truth from each other and from voices that they trust and respect in this world besides ours. And so these are not optional endeavors for high school kids. We need to help them plug in and even require participation in these activities. Second, practice and healthy coping. Yes. Teens need to learn how to feel stress, how to regulate, how to move through it, not avoid it, not numb it out. That looks like talking it out, moving their body, problem solving, instead of numbing, escaping and shutting down. Yes. And third, I would say they need relief and respite. This generation, as we're saying, is carrying more pressure than ever before. And they need spaces where they can exhale, they can rest. They don't have to perform a just on article about how adults today are using vacation time to rest rather than go on actual vacations. And we're not giving that to teenagers. And so if you need to take a personal day and it be a sick day because they're going to get sick emotionally, we're not doing those things. And so what can you do to help your kids find their way to relief and respite? Because chronic stress in teens is linked to increased anxiety, sleep disruption, and burnout. Rest isn't the enemy of capability. It's actually what sustains it for us all. That's so good. All right. For healthy risk, capability grows when teens do hard things in the real world. And one of the best ways to do that, a job. How long have we been talking about the importance of teenagers having jobs and all of what happens within that context of showing up, interacting with people, solving problems, clocking in, getting feedback. I have never felt so concerned about kids who cannot receive feedback and constructive criticism because Newsflash probably going to have a performance evaluation a time or two in your vocational life. We got to get some practice. Yes. Being accountable. It's one of the most natural built-in ways to grow capabilities, having these opportunities in a part-time job. Sorry, I interrupted you. Not at all. Can I throw in one more way? Please. Because we have some friends that did something that I think is one of the most amazing experiences with risk for a teenager. And I would add, the concept I would add is think about where you can take risks with your teenager that are outside of the box. Going on a mission trip, going on a rafting trip, anything you can think of in this family that I love, one of their daughters was a big risk taker. She just had a natural sense of needing to do that. And this wise mom said, I know this is who she is. I want to help her find her way to healthy risks rather than inappropriate risks that are naturally for her at her age. And so they went and took a trapeze course in New York. Isn't that the coolest thing? Wow. What a beautiful, and that her mom did it with her and was so nervous. And her daughter got to watch her do something she was nervous about and she did it anyway. There's so many great lessons in that. You don't have to take a trapeze course, but think about things you can do that are out of the box, including getting a job. Okay, practical ways. Let's go back and forth. I love that. Me too. I'll go first. Okay. Raise the relational standards. Talk about what healthy friendships look like. Help them notice red flags and trust their intuition. Encourage distance from unhealthy dynamics. And to lead in that asking questions is one of the best ways when we lecture, then sometimes we can make them go the opposite direction in that relationship. But to ask good questions, two, just like we're talking about require real world responsibility. Jobs, even if it's babysitting, internships, regular commitments that they show up for. Three, limit numbing behavior. Set boundaries around screens. Be aware of substance exposure. I'm going to go a step further here and I'm going to call us all out. It is illegal to serve alcohol to minors. You all, we cannot forget that to be true. And for those of you still believing that myth that exists out there, but if kids don't sample it while they're under my roof, they're going to go crazy when they live out in the world. That episode we did with Jessica Leahy is going to speak to that myth and the data behind that myth. Okay. And I want to throw in, if you have an adolescent, I was just talking about this with the family this week. If you have an adolescent, I think it is a great practice. If you can't stay up, which I would totally get. If you can't stay up till they come in, every night they are required to come in and hug and kiss you before they go to bed. So that you can smell their breath and you can see their eyeballs and know what they've been up to because we, I think do a good job of tracking where they are, but we don't know what they're doing sometimes where they are. And so that can be a really helpful practical thing. You know, there are some organizations you just trust because you know the people behind them. That's how we feel about Meno. We have trusted the folks at Meno for years. Our dear friends, Jess and Denise work there, and we've seen firsthand how deeply they care about helping kids know and love Jesus. This isn't just a streaming platform, it's a mission. Meno helps kids and families experience Jesus every day on and off screens. It's the number one source of Christian content for kids, and it makes it super easy and honestly super fun for families to grow and fake together. 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So we're heading out on book tour multiple cities over two weeks, and honestly we should have asked Quints to sponsor the entire tour, because I will absolutely be wearing my Quint short-sleeved cashmere polos at several stops. Yes, short-sleeved cashmere year-round. I didn't know that was possible, but I'm here to share that good news with you. You are here to help bugs out. Listen, when you find something that fits perfectly and feels elevated, you lean in. Quints uses premium materials like Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton, and European linen, but without the markup. And when we're spreading through airports trying to remember what city we're in next, I'm living in my Quint super soft performance t-shirts. I have them in multiple colors because they're that good. Light weight, breathable, polished enough to layer, comfortable enough for cross-country travel. It's our official book tour uniform. Fewer pieces, better materials, everything works together. There's not a season Quints can accommodate, so refresh your every day with luxury you'll actually use. Head to quints.com slash RBG for free shipping on your order, and 365-day returns, now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash RBG for free shipping and 365-day returns, quints.com slash RBG. Okay, number four, build coping rhythms. Make a list of 10 things everybody in the family can do when you get dysregulated. Exercise, journaling, talking regularly together. They can still use a calm down corner as an adolescent. Any of those things that we know are healthy coping strategies for kids. Five, create pressure-free zones, one space in their week with no performance. Family time that comes without evaluation of any kind. Six, encourage healthy risks, just like we're talking about. Require them to try something new periodically. Do something new as a family. Do something that they might fail at. Do the same yourself and talk about it and laugh about it together. Okay, can I tell my favorite new story of that? Please. So I had a consultation just this week with a delightful mom that you and I both enjoy. And she was running a little bit late, came in and said, I am so embarrassed to tell you that I'm late because I was at a tennis game. I said, it's okay. And she said, I've just taken up tennis as a 41-year-old and I'm terrible at it. And she said, it has turned out to be the best context for conversation with my kids. And she said, because I'm here to tell you, I'm going to be completely honest. Like, I was so embarrassed recently that I thought I was going to cry on the court. And I was like, I'm a 41-year-old woman. What am I doing to cry over this? But it gave me such perspective on when my kids feel overwhelmed and experiences, when people are watching them or when they, to my experience, don't feel as great as the people around them. So she said, I've had the most meaningful conversations with my kids. And even when my coach gets me feedback, how I feel on the inside when that happens, all the different parts and pieces that this great mom was applying to learning for herself and also to her kids. So we really do want to challenge you, take up something new. If for no other reason, just give you a great context to talk with your kids about what it's like to try a new and hard thing. And I want to play tennis with her. I tell you. Seven, expand their circle of influence. Mentors, coaches, other trusted adults. The voice of peers gets louder in this season. Our voices, parents get softer, but the voices of other adults, youth pastors, coaches, teachers, even friends, parents, they can hear differently from outside trust with the adult voices. Yes. Eight, value effort over outcome. Celebrate trying, not just achieving. Nine, challenge passivity, especially in boys. Call them up, not just out. Give them something meaningful to carry. Ten, help girls loosen the pressure of perfectionism. Model rest, model imperfection, and speak to their identity beyond their performance. Remind them of who they are in ways that are anchored to the truth of who God made them to be rather than their performance in any way. So in closing, high schoolers don't need us to control everything or carry everything for them. They need us to raise the bar, stay present, and trust their capacity. Because capability isn't built in comfort. It's built in challenge, responsibility, and real life. And this stage, you all, as intense as it is, is one of the greatest opportunities we have to help kids become who they're meant to be. Y'all, we are cheering you on, always. David, what a team we have that we get to call friends who help make this podcast possible. Chris Sterrett, our engineer. Our management team at KCH. We are thrilled to be a part of the That Sounds Fun Network. Our music was created by the insanely talented Dave Haywood of Lady A. And if this podcast felt helpful to you, please consider subscribing, liking, sharing, all the things. We are grateful for you and cheering you on, always. When life gets hectic, energy ups and downs are all you need. If you're seeking energy reassurance, Eonnext can help. From smart tech that helps you take control of your energy future, to always staying below the price cap with Nex Pledge. We're here for whatev' is next. Just one of the reasons why we're rated excellent on TrustPilot by our customers. Find out more at eonnext.com. Nex Pledge variable rates are always below the option price cap. 25 pounds exit fee per fuel applies. Eligibility and T's and C's apply. TrustPilot February 2026.
