Is Ray J Gay? w/ Ari Shaffir | Your Mom's House Ep. 858

Did you bring that? No. Was that just here? Yeah. I thought the lady would be here. She's got to be represented. Oh, that's right. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. Changes in sexual performance are more common than most people realize, and support doesn't need to feel awkward. With MedExpress, everything happens privately online. Start by completing a short consultation reviewed by UK registered clinicians. If eligible, treatment is delivered discreetly to your home with ongoing support whenever you need it. You're not alone in this. Visit medexpress.co.uk slash podcast to learn more. Ready in Chamesh Abba Shalosh, Steim? He knows. The only guy that actually knows what you're fucking saying. Everyone's always like, what kind of cryptic bullshit is that? It was blackmailing the government. Welcome to another episode of your mom's house. We're here with the great Ari Shafir, everybody. Let him hear it. Thank you. Before. Nice. Thank you. We'll obviously get into great detail, but just a reminder to everybody that the end is out. It's at winematestudios.com. This is multiple episodes with a crazy lineup of comedians doing the storytelling show that you popularized. Pop it. All right. Is that it? It's a four syllable. That's big for you. Big word. I don't usually speak that. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah. But obviously you had your storytelling show that you used to do around town. It's not happening, which contractually legally is completely unrelated to this show. Completely unrelated. But it was also a storytelling show. If any other comic says it's the same, that's on them. That's on them. If Tom or I say it, that's a major problem. It's a big problem. So this is a different show. It's a different show, but it was a storytelling show. We would do it. I remember doing it in Melrose and. Yeah, we did it in small rooms and then. In small rooms. And then eventually there was a show on Comedy Central and we did that. And then those clips lived on YouTube where they got some of them got wildly popular. Millions. Well, before that was like a real thing. Yeah. Millions of hits. I remember that was a thing because I was doing. I did a couple of stories on there. I did. I did my OD story, which went like I had crazy amount of views when I tell last time I saw. Can you pull that up? Like Tom, ODs. That's from your. It was pretty wild. Yeah. And I remember I had never talked about that on stage and you're like, yeah, talk about it on the show. You told me some of the stories we got were like offstage stories and I'm like, do do that. How many were we got? They fucking recut a lot. Oh, that's the right one. It's got 16 million views. 12.5 million subscribers. Really 16 million views. 16 million views. Yeah. I thought 16 and was meters. Yeah, that is well. I'm not a seven for a different things, but that's that's pretty crazy. Especially as you as a comic then we're like. Not killing it. 12 years ago. Yeah, I mean, OK, but yeah, it's a nice like. It was a nice. People's homes. Oh, yeah, that was a real nice like bump. And then I did it again. I did my Bruce Bruce story. Oh, yeah, which was also so like again, one of those things were this is what was great. I loved about the format is that I like telling stories anyway. But and that has what is it? That has six million views. Wow. I like telling stories, but sometimes you go. This is what I've learned, like touring with stories. Sometimes you're like it's you need the long form version to tell the story and it doesn't quite fit into like the hour format, especially when you're doing joke jokes. Yeah, it's something like, all right, now we're going to slow down for about 18 minutes. Yeah. So this became a place where you could do those things. And you set up the crowd to like they're ready for it. Everybody's like, can I just make this crowd is ready for it? Don't worry about that. I have. I used to always get so mad and irritated at the guys who would be doing their act. I'd be like, they're not doing this. Maybe so mad. Can you put a bleep button on if I need it? Yep. So you're in Montreal. We're doing one. And that's the one. Just just straight act. And then afterwards he was like, that was so fun. Thanks, man. I'm like, you ruined it. You didn't do the show. That what? There was another guy who I watched, I think at Melrose. Yeah. And I was like, I was in the back of the room shaking my head. I was like, because you got to do it. You're nervous. So you're like, dude, you fucking are supposed to do what we're all doing here. And that I could tell that. And the thing is they're doing it out of fear. They're just trying something. Yeah, they're just like, I don't want to risk it not working. Yeah. Ralfie was like, I remember him doing one and he did a great story about getting dunked on by, I think, Coraless Williamson in junior high school. Oh, God. So and he got nuts in the face. Yeah. So this, this, this like ninth grader was just a beast. And he didn't really ever do that. Yeah, he didn't do that. He did live at the improv and he goes, I'm nervous. I haven't really done this before. Yeah. And I'm like, Ralphie's nervous is crazy. The only time he got nervous is when they ran out of wings. Yeah. But. There was this thing. I do you remember by the way you ever have when you, when you're a kid and you play sports, you allow yourself to fantasize so much about going to the next level and you have those throwing the ball to yourself. And like in the game, seven of the world, strike one. OK. In the game, seven of the world. And then if you like, if you're playing organized sports and like you're, you're a starter and you're you're like, I'm pretty good. Right. And then you have those like. This guy's going to go on to play the day that like you're humbled. You just never forget for basketball. See, people would think it was a few years ago, but it was actually many, many years ago when I was playing. Who would think it was a few years ago? I was playing, you know, middle school and I was a pretty decent player. And then we got to high school and we went one day to the gym. This was in. Milwaukee, the suburbs of Milwaukee. And Milwaukee. You grew up there for a couple of years. OK. And I went to I went to the big one of the one of the big public high schools and we go to the gym. We're going to like try to get in on this some pickup game. We're all like, you know, pretty good. Yeah. But we play basketball. Yeah. And we walk in and Milwaukee is a very segregated city. Very considered to be the most segregated major city in America. What do you mean? Like men on that side, women on that, like a Jewish wedding. I'm talking more like. Right. So they had this. They called it. I think they call it the two twenty program, which is they would bus in inner city kids to dominate you to to go to this high school so that they weren't just going to the high schools over there. So we go into the to the big, you know, auditorium like gym at school. We're watching a bat and we all kind of just walk in and I watched a high school kid on a fast break, cup the ball and do a side dunk. Like this. And we were all like, ah, we're never going to play. It just hits you like, oh, everything I thought is wrong. Everything I thought is wrong. Everything I thought is not real. This is not just dunk. You can dunk, but like dunking is born. And then there was a Nigerian guy who was shirtless and fat. He had a gut. Yeah. His name was a fuma. Okay. He did a three sixty. What shirtless and fat. We were like, we were like, we should. Damn it. We should play tag. Andy Haynes said he had this when he was skiing. He was like a high level skier and they were doing this jump over a street over a road, jumping over this road. And he did it. He was like sick. And then he looked back and the other guys were flipping over it. And he goes, oh, I'll never be on that. Oh, OK. I know where I am. I have a hobby. Yeah. It's funny. It's coincides a lot when you find out you're not going to be as good as you thought. Yeah. Coincides with. Meeting a black person. Yeah. It's right around the same time. All your dreams are crushed by meeting a black person. In football, it happened to me later. Really? It happened to me later. It was also a black guy, though. Yeah. And it was a teammate. I've told this story, but I always remember it that, you know, you're I'm playing in high school, I'm starting both ways. Really? Yeah. And I know I'm two way starter. Yeah, two ways. What? On the line, I was a center and defensive tackle. So I'm like, I'm always on the field. And like, you know, I make plays. I know I'm not like a fucking five star player, but I never had. I played against a couple of guys that ended up playing in the NFL. So I knew they were different, obviously. But I didn't realize how crazy good the guy next to me was. You know what I mean? You're not playing against them. Yeah, because we're always like on the same. And one day we did a drill. I think I was I forget if I was a junior or senior, but we did a drill past Rush drill where I was blocking and the way that he went past me. And I didn't know what was happening. Yeah, I was like just one fake and gone. We're here. What? And I asked for them to do it. I was like, again, the coach was like, yeah, sure. And he lines up. That was magic. That wasn't right. Yeah, yeah. I don't accept that. That was luck. And he did it just over and over. And I was like, oh, yeah. OK. Oh, yeah, there's a reason that the the college recruits are at practice watching. It wasn't for me. It wasn't because I'm also at the 3.4 GPA. Because it's there's a reason Mississippi State and Syracuse are at practice today. I actually had that later with swimming when I went to I think it was your house. But you're a good swimmer, you're saying. I thought I was OK because I swam a little bit. Yeah. And then I got challenged by a fat Floridian. Oh, Bart. Yeah. And I was like, oh, crush you, dude, you're fat. Not a shit. It's my first time I saw the Mickey Mannel, Jane. He he I remember told me about how great of a swimmer he was. But then I think on his, you know, he did that. What's that like festival thing he does? Yeah, the birds. Hold on. There's a comic who forgive me for not knowing was a college swimmer. Oh, I forget somebody in this circle swimming college. And Bert was like, I bet I'll dominate you. Yeah. And the guy and whoever it's him. Broussard was Matthew Broussard. College swimmer. And so OK. Nice. And I think I might be getting it kind of wrong. But you know, Bert was like, I bet I can. Matthew was like, you can start like in the middle. And then Bert was like, it was insane. Please swim in college. It's also good at going, OK, I think I do believe I won't win this if he's from a college note, but let me talk trash like this guy's just started today. And also let me be sure. I still will. I want to make the claim until you prove me wrong. There is. Oh my God. What the fuck, Matthew? Yeah. Is that a Photoshop on both their parts? Neither one of those look like real bodies. Yeah, that dude is a better swimmer than Bert. There's a few comics who are better than anybody you've ever met at a sport. Judo Freelander, ping pong. Oh, really? Kelsey Cook, foosball. I learned about that and she also told me a great story about how fun it is because men will be like, all right, little lady, I'll fucking. I'll give you a little bar game. And then she just she can like look at them as she does it. You know, I thought I was good because he had a foosball table. The comedy story played nonstop up there. She's a championship level player. And I scored one offer. I think we did my old podcast. I did one and I scored one. Let's play and I scored. I was like, oh, you fucking bitch. Yeah, twat. And then she's like, all right. And then it was like 15 straight and you can't at some point. You don't even know what's happening. You can't see the ball. Yeah. You're just like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah, wait, she's dropping it again, dropping it again. That's crazy. Wait, so what is Friedlander? He was he a competitive player? Is that a ping pong? Yeah, like he'd see him at like, you know, when you go like go to like the pickup games at the park of your neighborhood where it's like, that's where all the good plays he's that for ping pong and I wonder who it is. Other places. I wonder who it is for chess. There's got to be a dominant chess. I mean, you'd have to be not a dumb fuck. Definitely, which negates pretty much all of us. Most. Yes. Post comics are dumb. I always talk to Kirk about how when you're at the hallway of the store, yeah. And there's guys, the comics are walking around, you're like, this is a mental assignment, like this is this is crazy. I started when people go like, why is that guy so weird? I started giving benefit to the doubt. I'm like, well, it's probably a comedian going to the belly room. They're weird. They're probably trying to make a joke. Yeah. But then also some of them are just insane. Yeah, it's fully insane. And you're forced around insane people. Yeah. Signing up for open mics. You're like, we're all trying to make it. And other people are like, oh, I'm just trying to find a warm place for an hour. Yeah. That's what I'm trying to make it, bro. I've made it if I'm in. Here you go. I'm giving this to you. But I am Ari Shaffir. It's a fucking crazy night we're going to have here. Shit's about to go down. Look, we're here to talk. Paul, this is a love story. Media, herpes, gonorrhea aids. I'm desperate. I'll stab you in your mother fucking head. One of the worst things that could happen. What's your favorite Bible verse? I don't know. I'm Catholic. Did you just shit your pants? It's not my shit. If you're up there, lady, don't call me. I'm the bad guy in the story. I know that I'll be a better person tomorrow. At least he's consistent. Finally, something we can agree on. Discuss it in hearts. Not the evening I plan, but I'm having a blast. I'll feel excused. I think we can all agree that online shopping has gotten dangerously easy, especially when you get to check out and see that purple shop pay button. No more digging for my wallet or password reset bullshit. It's online shopping, but streamlined. You can say thanks to Shopify for that. Cha-ching. Shopify is the platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e-commerce in the US from household names and brands like ours here at YMH. Not only is our merch store powered by Shopify, Christina turned to them when launching her cosmetics line and it's been a dream. Shopify possesses world-class expertise in everything from managing inventory and international shipping to processing returns and 24 seven customer support. Shopify will even help you get your brand out there as if there was an entire marketing team beyond you with easy to run email and social media campaigns. See less carts go abandoned, more sales go to Ching with Shopify and their shop pay button. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com. Go to Shopify.com. That's Shopify.com. Slash YMH. Cha-ching. Before I play our opening clip, another thing I have to say is that finally, my flagship bakery. Explain to me what the fuck this is. OK, so now you don't eat all the bread. You want to give it to other people? Yeah, exactly. It's interesting. I hate them, Tom. Really? I fucking hate this guy. You hate me? Yeah, you want me to get fat? Yes. You're like the people in the comments. They want you to get fat? Of course. They want you fat? A nonstop. Yeah, I miss fat Tom. I listen, fat Tom you could look down on. Fat Tom wouldn't bake other people bread. Fat Tom would just be hoarding the bread. And that's what you want? Because eventually you're going to look away and I'll steal your bread. Oh, OK. Now you're selling it for a profit at a fucking coffee shop. Yeah. What do you got? Baguettes? What do you got? You got croissants? Sweet croissants? Oh, yeah. It's I mean, look at this. Wow. It's foliatella. We have. Wait, what is this deal? What's the deal? I'll tell you the story. I'm joking around about fat Tom, but what is the deal? This is the story. I used to go to this place in LA. I used to always tell people, I mean, I even talked about it in my act, how much I love croissants and one day. It's the breakfast version of slice of pizza and go. It's the best. Yeah, it's the best. And there's so many disappointing ones just like with pizza. So when you find a really killer one, you get excited. So somebody told me, go to this guy's place if you love croissants. I go really. And the person told me best croissants in LA. So I got excited. OK. I go. Yeah. I order one and I'm like, holy shit. It's great. These are amazing. So I meet the guys. Name's Giamba, Italian guy from Cinque Terre in Italy. And I start. I go, these are the best croissants I've ever had. I start to frequent the place and and one day I do, you know, like an Instagram post. I go, I'm at this guy's place. These are the best croissants. You can trust me. I'm a fat piece of shit. I'm fat. I have credibility. Yeah. And I post that. Yeah. And they were like, dude, all these people. Started going. Came today and they were just like, thank you. Like, you know, it was just like, thanks for doing. I go, you don't owe me anything. I just love it. It's just like when you go to a great the great thing about when you find a great spot is you tell other people. And then they go, holy shit, thanks for telling me that was amazing. So it's that type of relationship. As a fantasy, I was like, man, I wish I wish you I could have your place in Austin selfishly because I love your food. You know, no, I'm saying because these places in LA. Well, one day we start talking and he's and I'm like, that would be crazy if we could do that in Austin. And and then one day he's like, yeah, I would. If you want to, if you want to partner up, I'll do it. Really? So say like this. He's like, if you want, I move. It's you and it's me and together we do the thing and we sell it. So then he he moves here. We open a pop up location because it takes like we have to find a place to open our place and we have to use a pop up. So the pop ups at the fairground, which is under the Wells Fargo building in downtown. OK, then we opened a counter place where you could like in the Scarborough building, like as you walk into the building. Yeah. You can we have a little set. And how do people go for it? What do you mean? Do they do people find out about it? Oh, yeah. I mean, they found they found out about it from just walking around from us talking about it. But the whole focus has been to get this brick and mortar location open. And so it is now open and it's 1100 South Lamar. It's right. If you're looking at the Alamo draft house, like if you walk out of there, we're on the corner there and we have we have all the breakfast pastries. We have homemade Italian sandwiches, fresh pizza, and we have a full bar. Oh, really? Yeah. And so it's it's really exciting for me because I've always wanted to share how you work. Are you going to do what do you call it? Pull pull at the coffee. I mean, I could pull coffee. I like serving like I go I go behind the counter and I just take orders and I serve really. Yeah, I mean, I'm wow. That's fun, though. It's very fun. And it's like it's the best. Here's the thing. I don't have to sell you on it. His shit is it's him. I believe. Yeah, it's totally partners. Yeah, we're partners. Hey, can I suggest an ad for you? Sure. Just because it's a Lamar. Yeah. And my immediate thought went to Lamar from Avenger the Nerds. Can you do a big thing with like you're holding a big rod of like croissants and you're going like this and then chuck them. Chuck them. Yeah. It's a team tech team. Can you? Yes. Remember when he threw that and he was like it's all bendy. Yeah, do one of those, but with croissants and then be like come see us on South Lamar. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah, that is a good idea. OK, thank you. But that's fucking cool, dude. It's a business. It's very exciting. It's like you're building yourself too. I love it. It's my it's the favorite thing I've ever like I'll go. Please come. Please come. And I hope you guys check it out. All right. Here is our opening clip. Ready? Here we go. I'm at David Buster. Oh, you're David Buster. I'm having a good time. He's having a good time. I'm enjoying myself looking forward to my birthday tomorrow. What? Who is Randy? What? Black Jolene. It's just Black Joy. It's just Black Joy. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. And Christina Pajitzi. Welcome to your mom's house. Let's go. That's too long. It's always been too long. It's too long. It's always been too long. It's frustrating. It's at some point it's too long. It's always been the longest. Wow. You kind of get over it and then it starts nagging at you. Yeah. And then you're like and then you're fully aware that it's too long. Which is a longer period. I know. In between it's starting to notice too long to when you're like, hey, and then eventually like, hey, you got to say it's so long. It's one of my favorite things is when people come in and they, you know, don't know anything about and they and it's and they go, what's going on? But what's happening right now? And I'm like, it's the intro and they're like, still? I mean, I could have been returning emails. It was like, it was like, are we in a commercial break? I know. It's crazy. It's just how it is. That's why I'm sure. I mean, I don't know. He's just really happy about his birthday. Dave and Buster. It seems like he's on mushrooms. Just like laughing over nothing. It also reminds me of my father, you know, that's where one of the reasons I play it is because he just loved watching black people have fun. He used to say it all the time. So yeah. What do you think? You know, when you're done with the show and somebody's like, a head good show. Yeah. The audience, you know, thank you. Yeah. But, you know, you've done play for a million people. So thank you. But to a degree. Thank you. But then when a black guy says thank you, it's so much better. What do you think the ratio is? I know what I have. What is that? Black compliment to white compliment. Oh, or cool shirt. Also black compliment to white compliment. What's what to one? Okay. You're talking about one of my favorite topics of all time, which is the hierarchy of black compliments. Yes. I've thought about it extensively. Oh. So the way that I rank black compliments. Okay. I think there's like a pretty much a top five. Okay. First of all, your fit. If they go, if a black person compliments your outfit. Your fit. Oh, right. Yeah. That's, that's higher. You know that you did a good job. You're like, oh, shit. Yeah. Okay. Right above that is if they just compliment your shoes. That's definitely a bigger. It's bigger than an outfit. It's bigger than an outfit, I think. Cause shoes are like a staple of black culture, you know, like sneakers. So like if, if, if a black guy is like, those are some sweet kicks, you're like, okay, I'm going to clean these and put them and make sure that I wear these on the appropriate occasions. Okay. Okay. After that would be a black guy, um, complimenting your music choice. If you're listening to a song of black guys like, yo, like. Like you're DJing. And he's like, he's like, you're like, that feels great. And you're like, wow. You have to play it off. Be like, oh yeah. It's just. And again, for context, and then if a white guy says the same thing, like nice play that she's like, thanks. Yeah. Thanks man. Okay. Yeah. By the black guy doing it. Um, and then. Second to like the second best, like of the whole black compliment thing is a compliment about you being funny. It's 10 times more powerful than a white guy saying you're funny. It's 10 to one. I think yeah. I mean, maybe you can go five to one. I had eight to one in my own. I have eight to one. I'm not, there's no wrong answer. There's no wrong, but it's definitely the amount of joy it brings you. It's the amount of joy. It's so much stronger. Um, and also like outfit. Okay. Okay. Okay. If he's a real buttoned up black guy, it's not the same. It's not the same. He's got to be Carlton. Yeah. No, it's not quite the same. It's not the same. You want it to be like, you know, a little, you want to Jazzy Jeff over a Carlton. Definitely. And then I think number one is athletic prowess. If a black guy talks about like your jump shot or something, you're like, all right, just bury me now. Like just, let's just call it a day. Okay. I got a story for each one of these. Now I want you to notice that I let you finish before jumping in. It's how conversations work. It's how conversations work. Are you done with this? I can hold this thought for a minute till you're done with that. No, that's good. Obviously, there's no reason I had to jump in because I already have in my head what I want to add and you finish your thought and I'll get to what I wanted to tell you. And it's an exchange of ideas. Change of ideas. Oh, finish what you're saying. Thanks for laying the table at what this conversation is about. I'm glad you brought that up. I also can contribute. Yes. Yeah, please. Guys, if your lady, fella, or whoever sends you an eggplant emoji after dark, they're ready for better sex and you should be too. That's where Blue Chew comes in. They've been on a mission for years to get you bricked up, build your confidence and help you actually perform better in the bedroom with their new arousal. Formula Blue Chew Gold is helping millions of men have better sex in 2026. While most EDMeds only focus on blood flow, Blue Chew Gold goes further by combining two ingredients for mental arousal and connection. So you're not just physically ready. You're actually in the mood. 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It's way better. Way better for sure. And that guy's got style on top of just being black. And musical genius. Yeah. H&M sweater. I loved it. And I'm like, thanks, man. Thanks, Questlove. I was like, who was that guy that was like really nice? And they were like, yeah, they were like, that was a... Did he have a pic in his hair? Yeah. Yeah. Number two shoes. Yeah. Monroe Martin and Derek Ains. Consistently, I was trying for a little bit to rock these bowling shoes that I stole. I thought they were cool. Yeah, hence why you stole them. Yeah. And they informed me that it was not cool. Oh, OK. It's the opposite. OK. I never wore them again. Yeah. Because of how powerful the black compliment is. Yeah. And the black insult right there with it. Yeah. What's three? Three would be your music choices. Music choices. OK. I got one there too. Wow. Yeah. Listening to Led Zeppelin in college doing an all-nighter and the whatever. And then the... What's the fix it guy? Like a janitor guy comes in and he's cool, younger guy, like 35 or something. You know, I'm 22. Yeah. And he goes, oh, hell yeah, man. Led Zeppelin. And I was like, well, you know Led Zeppelin? He goes, yeah, they didn't play hip hop on the radio when I was growing up. So the closest we got was black inspired white music. Yeah. And I love Led Zeppelin. I was like, oh, hell yeah. Yeah. See, it's stuck with you. It's stuck with me always. Yeah. What's two? Two is funny. OK. Here's one for that too. Again, let's just point out for a second. You got out your whole thing scale. Yeah. And now we're talking about it. Yeah. OK. It's an interesting technique. It's all. It's one way to go. I wish I could apply it elsewhere. I wish I could too. So you waited on the comment that I waited on. So glad you saw that too. You must have this a whole thing. I'm like, all right, I have this sort of playing in my head in the car. I thought I'm going to get it all out and then you get about a quarter of it out and then it's gone. And I want to go back to what you were actually making. You know, it was about big dick is the most feminist. All right, we'll go back to it. You go back to it. OK. I finished me, my cannon and I forget her name. Someone from like New England. Yeah. We were working at a casino up there in like Syracuse area and we finished and we're walking to go get at the restaurant. Take your arm under that cord. It's give me anxiety. Thank you. And now we found that Tom is autistic. Yeah. There was a waterbed bar in East Village. There's a waterbed you can sit on. And I had a drink on the corner. And somebody comes over and is like, excuse me, guys. It was like three or four. I think the roast was there. I was like, yeah. And he goes, can you take that glass off from the corner of that? And I was like, why? He goes, my friend's highly autistic. He's freaking out about it. And he's just like this. And I was like, yeah, OK. I put it on a table and he goes. It was like, damn, dude, that's tough to live with. They got really nice about it. OK. So we're walking to the restaurant and we pass a pupil. We're trying to get to eat before it closes and we're in the casino. So you're with a lot of people from the show. And they're like, good sec. It's like, thanks, guys. Thanks. Thanks. Try not to slow down. Like let's put our heads down and we want to eat. And then we get in and we're like, thank you. And then there's a black guy at a table. He goes, hey, you guys had a good show. And we're like, both just naturally stopped. I'm like, oh, thanks, man. I really appreciate it. You have a good time. Where are you from? Yeah, yeah. All of a sudden, you're the most social guy. That's so cool, you man. I'm glad you had a good time. It's all about that. White guy's like great setting. Like, thanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Black guy, you're like, oh. I realized they ate to one. It was that moment. It was, it's very strong. And then number one was athletic prowess. And that's never happened. Never. I used to play basketball at the park in Slago Creek. And I was better on defense, like most white people, better on defense and offense. Yeah. And I'd block shots. I was good at it. I was wiry. They would just have a standing foul call. Yeah. If I blocked it out of bounds. Like it's their ball anyway. So they're like, let's make that a foul. Yeah. And then be like, that's just, that's clean. Yeah. And they were like, it's our ball regardless. I know, that's a foul. Like, yeah. I remember, I remember the pickup games where I got complimented by black guys. And it's still with me today. Sometimes it carries me through the day. Especially if you're going to another game and then they pick you up before last. Yeah, before last exactly. Like before last. What? I'm the eighth pick. This is crazy. Oh my God. And then you're like laughing at the other people. Yeah. You pick me over a black guy? It's nuts. Yeah. And then Lamar's waiting there like, why am I not picked up? You're like, oh, okay. So, all right, just to set the table for this. Yeah. You did two bears with Bart and I. Yeah. And you made a statement and you were elaborating on it. And then as you were telling your thought, your theory. You're like, oh, much better. So everyone, and I remember people being like, I wanted to hear what you were going to say. This is how I live. And the craziest thing is he could have just told this thing after the same thing. I know. Just hold it for a minute. Like, hey, when you were saying that, they reminded me of a guy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But your statement was having a big dick. It comes off as toxic masculinity. Yeah. Of like, I got a bill, this little, this tiny dick idiot. You know, I'm a big dick and it's like this old, like get a big truck, get a big dick, have whatever. Yes. But I think it's feminist because they're just having it. And hyping it up. Yeah. Saying a big dick is better is feminist because the reason you would have a big dick just in biology is to put it in a woman and have her find pleasure from it. Right. And a small dick would give them less pleasure. Less pleasure. Yeah. So all that, like, I got a big dick. It's all about I please women better than you do. That's also what is the unspoken, like, sentiment, I think, about it. That's why the big dick is intimidating to other guys. Because just by the nature of you're better, you're going to please these gods more than I can. I can't bring tribute to them the way you can. So now I'm angry. And now exactly. Yeah. And now I'm insecure and I'm upset about. I don't like that I won't be able to please them. Let's send all these big dick ones back to Africa. Right. Horse or whatever. Wherever they come. But you're right. It's the it's the it's the it's the immediate feeling of I'm inadequate. I'm inadequate. And you're more adequate. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's a very valid theory, but I mean Bert's interruption was fantastic. Yeah, this is not an interesting talking point. So yeah. That Bruce Bruce story was funny too, because you told it to me offstage and then you finished when we recorded it. That was the internet only version. Yeah. Also fun stories when I was doing the intros and I was it was like camera and then running over and then I quickly take my pants off and just have underwear on and then go on the stage and they find on stage and you were like, Hey, this next one you got to take your dick completely up. And I was like, Yep, you're upset. That's kind of you set me off. Did I? Yeah, I think you might have. I think I remember that. I don't even I really don't remember that. I did. So I pulled my dick out and there were some extras in the front row and some girls like I've seen your dick like really close. You know what's so fun? I told the Bruce Bruce story and then I had this thing where it was based on my one interaction with him, right? Yeah, on the plane, on the plane. I tell the story. It's such a funny story. It's I loved it's one of those things where you know I love the story. Yeah. And I told it and I was really I was actually very proud and I thought it was really unique, funny, you know, the whole thing about like just setting the stage of the scenario, the interaction, like the way that the woman, some woman who doesn't know him was like, what can I get you? Because we were stuck at the air at the gate and they actually were like, you can get off the plane and come back. We're going to be here. He was like, no. He was like, and then a woman walked by and was like, do you need anything? And he was like, candy like, twix, Skittles, shit like that. Oh, yeah. I go, who is that? And he goes, I don't know. I was like, you don't know. And just accepting it. Yeah. And she was just doing it for him. Tribute. And then we had this crazy dialogue about Andy Griffith, right? Oh, yeah. And so that was kind of like, well, I told the story and then I had that weird feeling of like, oh, I wonder. It involved someone else. I wonder, no, I wonder if, if he would be happy with that. That's what I mean. Yeah. Yeah. And I wonder, like, because we're not like close, I wonder how he'll respond. And I had that like unease of would he be like, man, fuck you for telling that story. You know, like just not knowing. So what the only place I had communication with him or like a line to talk to him was Twitter at the time. So I, I messaged him and I was like, Hey, you know, I had, I remember. Yeah. But I met you and I told the story about meeting you and I sent him the link to that. Oh, really? Yeah. So he saw it. Well, here's the thing. I got no reply, right? No reply. And then maybe a year or more later. Like, like literally that long I check one day and it's like message from Bruce Bruce. And I was like, hmm. And I open it and it was all complimentary. He was like, that was hilarious. That was, I was like, oh my God. That he was nice. He was so nice about it. And yeah, it was just like one of those things where you're like, I know that feeling. And then the guy who I tell it about, like enjoyed it. We had to pull down a couple of stories on this not happening. Really? Because it was like, actually that guy's married now. I shouldn't be saying that. Do you mind? We'll take it down, of course. And the podcast, we get that all the time. Like, oh, shit, I shouldn't have shared that. There's that thing that people are all guessing about the smart list guys. Smart list? Smart list. The, you know, it's a very popular podcast hosted by those three, Bateman, Will Arnett and John Cryer. I think that's the three. I think Sean Hayes. Sorry, Sean Hayes. Wow, what a fucking, you just said Sean Hayes and John Cryer. I don't know who's... Completely interchangeable. I just don't know who... They're an unique group of two people. They're just some guy in sitcoms. These guys. Yeah. But they famously have talked about two people that have come on. Yeah. And they said that a woman after her episode asked them to not air it. And they took it down. So you're like, oh, I wonder who that is. And then they talk about a famous comedian who was such an asshole. I saw that. That after 10 minutes, they just were like, we're done. So everyone always is like talking about who those two. And they try to figure it out. Yeah, yeah. It's like one of those things where you're like, who is it? I am. I am. And then you can lead them to just like show that clip with a person's name over that. And then they go, oh, so they were definitely talking. I saw them talk about how they hated the... They had to like talk to Goro. I've seen a comment section about that where it theorizes everybody. Every, you know, like they, yeah. I think we've both been mentioned in the possible. Oh, really? Yeah. Wait, I'm not on there. You know, one of the... Oh, is this the thing? Here, this is Will. They just stopped in the middle. She asked us. Oh, OK. Air her episode. That's all. At all. Which we were like, fuck it, guys, we don't have to do it. And, and, and she was worried because she thought that she was up and coming. Oh, I say. And I won't tell you until we're absolutely cut. Yeah. But we were like, you're good. It turns out we were right. Now, but I think, you know, one other very famous comedian I'll tell you after, who is a fucking rank asshole recently. And we cut him off after 10 minutes and said, thanks so much. And then ditched him. What's the guesses? Yeah, he almost can't say it out loud. Yeah, I mean, that's been posted a bunch and there's always just hundreds and hundreds. Hundreds of, yeah. What the comment about the woman, though, is like, you know, he's like, she thought she was up and coming. And then he's saying she wasn't. But I'm like, what is she like? Is it dirty podcasts where they were like, I don't know. The part of me that goes like, wait, what do you mean? She was like, don't do it because she thought her trajectory plays a role. Yeah, she like. I don't understand. Skanks, Cam Patterson was like watching and they go, hey, Cam, what's going on? Come on in here. He's like, and I get where he is. He's a first year SNL guy and this is Legion of Skanks. Yeah. I go, hey, Cam, you got to get out of here. Oh, you did? Yeah, you got it. You can't be here until like get Michael Chase permission first, but you shouldn't. You're a first year guy. You should get out of here. Yeah, smart. They're going to say some awful things and you're going to be on camera with it. That was nice of you. Yeah, it's like, you're very awful. So it might be one of those where like, I was saying crazy shit. I'm about to be in a Disney movie. Right, right, right. Okay. But also what a. Like we're right. But also like nowhere. We're off, dude. Like where it's weird though, because that show is not Legion of Skanks. It's right. So what was she saying? Yeah, what were you saying? That's like a celebrity show. It's strange. It's very strange. What I liked about your the overdose story. Yeah. Is that you told to me offstage a few times. Yeah. And then you said it on stage and there was a part that you didn't say. I'll tell you the exact part. And I had to go back on. I'm like, Tom, wait, that's why I left the show. It's you forgot some of it. Dude, that was so key to. Because essentially. The end of the story, the last bit is what I forgot. And you came on stage and you're like, what about? And I was like, oh, yeah. And then there's that moment if you have like, if it was like a real comedy central production or Netflix or anything like, well, I'm already off. So it's over. And then you would be so pissed. Right. But this is a me production. Yeah. So it's like. And I'll tell you it's been out forever. But like the story, you know, I tell the whole story about accidentally overdosing, waking up in a coma and, and then how, you know, how disappointed and upset parents were and just like the shame of it and the awfulness of it. And I forget how I ended, but I was just like, and then you whatever it ends. And then you reminded me of when I told you the story that the doctor. Yeah. Who actually saved my life. The one who got the tube in me, the breathing tube. Visited me a few days later in recovery. I'm still in the hospital and he has the, the toxicology and he's like, Hey, you know, you tested positive for so many things like every droid, opioids, stimulants, every, and I was like, really? I'm like, how is that possible? He's like, well, because you've got like street drugs and people will just throw anything in there. So he's like, you're like, it's off the charts. And he told me there's like, it could be a lot. Lucky to be alive. He goes, there was enough in you to kill a horse. Right. And then I go, shit, like, how did I live then? Like, how did I survive? And he's like, well, you're, you're fat. So fat. You're bigger than a horse. Yeah. You're one of the fattest people that's ever been here. Button to the thing. It was, and I had forgotten. Like, take the, take the shitting on me part. Yeah. It's like, and it's funny because like you're hearing somebody say like, all this awful shit happened to me. And then when you're like kind of like feeling for them again, another insult happens, which was really funny. It was really funny. Yeah. He was like, you just, this one. I mean, it's like one of the good times to be super fat. It's when you're overdosing. One of the favorite topics, of course, you know, this is murder, right? On this podcast. And in life, I've just enjoyed it. You know, I like the shows. I like the topic. And I always talk about like, you know, there's less serial killers today. And, and, you know, it's harder even just to get away with a one-off murder because there's so many like advances in forensics and there's. Do you have to do this a lot? Yeah. Someone who wants to commit crimes of necessity, like shoplifting. Yeah. I want that. I don't want to pay for it or wait in line. I want it. So I'll steal it. Cameras everywhere. Everywhere. As someone who's like, you know what, maybe one day I'll murder. And the way you got to do it is no motive. It's got to be a rando. A rando. Yeah. So they can't chase you back. But this is the thing. The way it's everywhere, dude. Like when you watch these, I watch these shows all the time and it's like, how do we piece it together? It's like they looked at. Ring cam, ring cam, ring cam. They see where you're going. They see a vehicle pass down the street and go through a whatever, some, you know, toll booth and it's like, that's what, you know, so it's really hard to get away. And there's fingerprints, there's DNA. So I'm always like, how can you fucking do it? And my theory. How can you murder, yes. My theory is that the best possible way is to take somebody out in the open water. Right. The open water is like. There's no cameras in the open water. And you can, if you can at least disguise you going out there, that's which is the work. And that's what a lot of people do. That's what a lot of them do at they've gone like something happened. And then. Yeah. Oh, this is just a story that came up. It's a new one. This is pretty recent. Police in the Bahamas say they arrested the husband of a missing Michigan woman after she vanished during a boat trip near Elbow Kay. Authorities say 55 year old Lynette Hooker. Was in a small motorboat Saturday night with her husband. Brian, he was just going. Brian told them she fell overboard with the keys, which shut off the engine. He said he then paddled to shore and reported her missing early Sunday. The AP story says Bahamian police arrested the husband in Abaco. At the time of the report, police had not said whether he had been formally charged. Her family was skeptical of the whole account. Her mother said she wanted more answers. Her daughter told NBC that Lynette was an experienced sailor who was unlikely to quote, just fall off the boat. The daughter also said the couple had a volatile relationship, especially when. I know why she had the keys. Why'd she have the keys? Why'd she have the keys? Well, fuck you then. Fuck you then. I'm not. You don't just have the key. The keys are in the ignition. Yeah, you have to make a real effort. Yeah. And why would you do that out there? It's not just like, oh, I'm going to put this in the safe box. If you're volatile, if you're volatile, history is fighting. Well, then I'll fucking show them over. I don't give a fuck. I'll fucking. Once you had the keys in your hand, that's a murder. Yeah. That's not just like I fell. Also, like, get her. What do you mean? Oh, she fell, dude. It's over. You fell. The waves were crazy. It's like a foot and a half down here. I didn't even know where to look. Yeah. All these cruise ships, that's like once or twice a year. Got to be like, oh, she didn't make it. She didn't make it. It's out to sea. They can't. And we talked to those guys on all those like impractical jokers cruise. There's been a murder in the open sea on on cruises where there's a famous one where somebody like a camera catches them falling off the balcony. You know, and they're like, wait, how does she fall? Just like fall off the because in theory, you could. You could be like lit and just fall. If there's a camera that kicks it up and you're the pusher. Yeah. You have to. If you know, I can't pick it up. Not you pushing, but just them falling. You have to go. Oh my God, my wife fell. Yeah. If there's not a camera, then you go. Where's my wife? Has anybody seen her? Yeah. You delay that. But they also told us the amount of time it takes to stop and turn around. Yeah. With the tides, they're like, they're gone. You got one chance. If you see it happen, throw them a light thing. Oh, yeah. Colors, but they're pretty much gone. Cruisin and the night and the night is over. They said they said daytime you got a chance, but you have to see them fall in. It's fucking dude. I talked to a charter boat captain one time, like a yacht captain. And all of those like fancy luxury yachts have cameras all over for security purposes, you know, like just to put for that, but like to keep track of like where people are. And you can be like, oh, this person's at this in the galley or, you know what I mean? Like that you could see everything. And he told me that he had a really high level Middle Eastern wealthy guy. And as soon as he board, he was like, can you cover up all the cameras? And they were like, sure. So they had to like put covers on all the cameras because he was like, I don't want to do some stuff. I might be doing some shit on board. Also, can I say, don't sleep on the National Park System. Oh, very few cameras. Rocks are way harder than water. Camping is a good. And he's established a pattern of like, I do this a lot. I do this a lot. That was Scott Peterson's big mistake because he dumped his pregnant wife's body in the open water. Yeah. And they were like, wait, how did like, how'd this happen? He's like, well, I had a boat and I wanted to take it out. That's the one I remember Scott Peterson. Yeah. Christmas Eve. And I just took the boat out and they were like, huh? Why? He was just had this boat sitting there. I wanted to take it out. He'd never done. Yeah. Yeah, Brian. Look, the problem is then what about if you just are camping with your wife or boating with your wife and she falls over and drowns? At first you're like, oh, no. And then you're like, there's a lot of people who are not going to believe me. Yeah. What do I do? Yeah. What do I do? Well, I think you're, if it's genuine, like whether it's camping or boating, you're in a genuine panic. If you get back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I've seen if you've ever gone on a black doll, your rabbit hole. Ah, it's been a while. I've seen. They sell it, dude. Yeah. They sell it until their husband walks into the interrogation room that they thought was dead. Yeah. And they're like, oh, I was, I hired a cop to kill you. Didn't I? Shit. And they still try to sell it. Yeah. Tom, I got something for you. Yeah. I know what the show is. I'm surprised. I'm sorry. Christina couldn't be here. She's here. She's chopping wood. Yeah. Yeah. Um, she's doing a, um, what's it called? Recreation. What is it when the North fights the South? Yeah. She's in one of those. Oh, it's Civil War. Civil War reenactment. Yeah. She's North. She's North. And, uh, but I brought something in that you both love. You know what, uh, Muddy Bucks is? Oh, what? Muddy Bucks. Muddy Bucks? Yeah. Uh-uh. Oh, Tom, buddy. By the way, go, go, go check out the end at, uh, ymhstudios.com right now. Yeah, please. Um, guys, did you find that Muddy Bucks? Okay. Oh, fuck. Okay. This is. Okay. Thomas. Oh, that's a dude. Yeah. It's too good. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh. Hey, you said what he said. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. You know what I always think about though and shit like this? Yeah. Just hip mobility. You know what I mean? It's so important as you get older to have like, to do like hip mobility. Hip mobility. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause you could pull something. Yeah. Okay. Do you have one where he's completely submerged? Have, have you, this is a whole genre? Oh, buddy. Yeah. This is, this is in Dan Savage's like, uh. What? Porn, he has a porn like film festival. Uh-huh. And this one won. This one. One year. One year. He's going to nut through that mud? Oh, please don't. I don't know about this. Oh, please don't. Is this real? Yeah, buddy. That's not a lie. He looks so fake. Yeah. I know. Oh, he's under. Oh, he's under. How do you find out you like this? Well, you found out right now. That's true. Yeah. Oh, please don't. Please don't. Oh, fuck. Just on your chest with. Oh. There's one where the guy's completely just dunked in as somebody behind him. Fuck. Oh, there. That looks like. That's not bad. Yeah. I mean. Oh, he's gone. Oh, that cock wants that ass. It's how did you find this? I saw it. So the Dan Savage porn festival. What is this? He has a porn. It goes to movie theaters and puts up. And he puts us to submit and we'll take him the 30 best ones. Is Muddy Buck. Is this a name of a film like that? Or this is a whole genre. I think it's these guys. Oh, it's these guys. And then they do a bunch. I think they're the most successful ones. Oh, yeah. They're the leaders. The one I love the most from. They look pretty much from this year. It was a bunch of people like doing the shake of our revolt against the workers. And then they all just start fucking. But they're like worker outfits. They're like the people have the power. You have a favorite genre of porn. Yeah. I you know what I like because I like reality. Yeah. So I like hidden camera. Sell it as hidden camera or really do it. Either way, especially with the both consent to get even better. But it's like, I didn't hear you were taping. Yeah, I'm cool with it. I'll vote it. Yeah. Or something real that distresses someone. So I know it's real. So like one time I saw one. This is a decent example. It was a chick on a couch getting fucked. And another chick on a piano getting fucked. And the piano guy finished but didn't finish it and came up behind the couch girl and just in her hair. And she was so mad. Yeah. She's like, what the fuck you piece of shit. Got it. I told you and started and it was like, wow, this is not scripted. Yeah, yeah, that was. Yeah, I liked it. I like that too. I like that. I there's that. Um, what do you got? Well, it's it's it's in line with what you like because I like it became a popular fake genre. So you have to search for the real version of which is real BTS real behind the scenes. So what they do is they've behind the scenes became popular. So they do fake behind the scenes. They act like everything. There's no amateur porn anymore. But the it's genuinely older when the camera was actually filming behind the scenes. But like it wasn't a popular genre yet. And so you would see real and how they would like they would get they would get like into it before they filmed their scene. That was always hotter because it was real. It wasn't real. It wasn't fake. I tell you, I went in LA to to a porn shoot. We knew a guy 20 years ago. Oh, wow. There's all these like Hollywood Hills, like kind of half. With Tripoli. It was someone who knew Tripoli for sure. For sure. It was that a Tripoli or Yoshi. I think it was a guy from Jiu Jitsu who was like, I'm doing if you want to see one. I'm like, I for sure want to see one. I'm doing one. He worked in the in the world. Wow. As a cameraman. He wasn't like a porn guy. Yeah, yeah. He was a porn star. And it was like the some caretaker of the house was in a room going like, don't dent anything, but they're renting it out for like 20 grand for the day to fuck everywhere. Yeah. But what was distressing was going to take a pee and sing the enemas that were in the trash can. Yeah. To be like, let's clear out for this. How was watching the actual work? It was interesting more than hot. Yeah. Because there's so many people. It's like, I don't know, strip clubs. I'm like, unless you go to a private room, like this is not a private room, not hot. Yeah. Yeah. This is a fun thing with friends, but like you'd be a creep to get a boner around other dudes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And also like that's, that's pretty intense to be up close and what like where you're standing like, you know, video village. It's so it's well where there's 25 people around and put on film. It's just the two of them. And you were watching just two people. Yeah. It's funny too. And you can see like a girl girl, like, like let's say you're the camera. So you're facing the camera and she's like, oh yeah. Oh yeah. Okay. And you see them taking direction. Yeah. See them. Are we good? That's interesting, but not arousing to me too much. Not arousing. Yeah. No. Cause you were like, this is manufactured. Have you ever seen one? And no, I've never been in person. You know, somebody told me one time. Reach out. Tom wants it. Someone told me one time that they were in their house and they looked over like out their window and they realized this was an LA. Yeah. That the house next to them would often be rented for like parties and stuff. And it was one of those eyes wide shut parties where like people were in tuxedos, had masks on and they were watching sex in the room. And I was like, that's pretty exciting. I think even from their perspective, because they weren't at the party. They were watching the whole thing from their window. Oh wow. You know, double voyeur. Yeah. That's watching people watch sex. That's pretty cool. You've voyeur for an officer sex, but just in general. I don't know. I don't think I like, I mean, I like that story. I was like, oh, that's pretty cool. I probably would have stared at that for a while, but like, if I see people, like I don't stop and I want to see them just do regular stuff with. They don't know. Another point, said it was like two buildings, like, like kind of like this. So you could, so if you turn off all the lights, you can just watch them like making dinner or something. Oh, it's like stare and watch. I like that too. Here, let me show you a couple of things real quick. Okay. Is this, is this. I mean, you got to show Christina Muddy books. I will show her Muddy books. It's so it do this, but like it's so interesting. There's a version of life where you're out doing something and you're like, oh, you know who would like this? On that trip I did. There's a few different people. I'm like, oh, you know who would like go to a soccer game. Like, Shangguilis would love, would love this or seeing some old like hieroglyphs or like Joe Rogan would love this. There's videos you watch and I'm like, hey, when am I on YMH next? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Make a note. Make a note for Muddy bucks. This is a fun one before I show you these. Okay. This is like this meme I saw. Michael Jackson is going to bust in your asshole, right? And he's letting you choose one of his hits to play while he does it. Do you choose Billy Jean thriller, beat it or man in the mirror? Because I was thinking that man in the mirror makes it so much sadder. And you already, maybe you're sad. He's busing your ass. What's the position here? You're bent over. Not legs over him. So you're looking at him. No, you're bent over. Okay. I mean, you guys, if you're not going to ask questions, you don't know the answers. Hard to shake man in the mirror because you're like, oh yeah. Because I don't want this. And I get so that song can make you really sad, you know, it's like, well, it's smooth. You also don't want to get like too hyphy and have him pick up steam. Yeah. You know, you don't you want him moving slowly, gently, lovingly. Jean is kind of it's kind of nice that it's that it's that, but it's like, it's not my lover. It's not my love. You know, so you're like, yeah, I love her. I guess I don't. And what do you think? What would you pick? I don't want to participate. I mean, beat it is is thematically on point. Yeah. But you think beat it would be it's too much, right? Because I specifically just said. And what position would you have him take you in? And they get all fucking, I got me fucked up. You're saying he's like, because beat it is it's too it's too fun. Just beat it. You know, it's also you're beating off in my ass. So it's I just don't like that the most. But now, OK, more questions that I know you can weigh on this whenever you want. You're getting bent over. Is there a mirror? You can look at him. I think so. I think you're in the bathroom is how I pictured it. OK, then there is that man in the mirror is like and then that's the most on point. It's the most on point, but it makes it so sad, right? But you know what also fucks you up? What if he busts at the end of thriller and then you hear that laugh that like that's that's really sadistic to sadistic. That's the right time. I think man in the mirror, if you're looking at reclaims, the meaning of that song. Yeah, is not yourself. You're looking at anymore. Right. You're looking at the king of pop and he's looking at your face. And he's looking at the man in the mirror, a different person. The original meaning was I'm looking at myself. It is. That's right. Yeah. And maybe you look at him and you go like maybe stop doing this. Stop doing. I see you as a person. Yeah, stop doing this to me. Stop. Yeah. Cool it. Beat it. Just cool it. Cool it. Hey, Zola, can you look over if any is hard or not? Bro actually looked so soft. Nick actually looked. He did really look. I did not. Never been softer. That's it. It was a full joke, Zola. My nigga looked. Sorry, buddy. Can you at least tell me this? No. No, which is the worst? No, which is the worst song? I don't want to know at least that. No, black or white. Doesn't matter if you're black or white. Great answer. Yeah, I mean, it's not. But it's not in the list of questions. Well, it is a great one. Yeah. Do you remember the time? Yeah. Huh. Huh. Something to think about. Something to take home with you. All right. All right. Do you think this is horrible or hilarious? What I'm going to show you. OK, hold on before you do it. What? You got to steal yourself sometimes for these. You do? Yeah. Like I'm showing my head. I'm like horrible horrendous. So like, is this a human going to physically suffer right now? I haven't seen any of them. You have not? I haven't seen any of them. OK. I watch them with you. It's I'm hoping. Yeah. It's just somebody failing at a spelling bee. It's comes up. Sometimes they they put it together. Who's they? The guys, the guys in the booth. Yeah. Oh, we got we got later. Look, we'll talk about the fucking end end production cards that I let your idiots do for me. Oh, boy. OK. Go ahead. Go ahead. All right. So they put it together and you haven't seen it. Oh, look how calm he is. His hands just got crushed in the hood. So calm. Oh, and he got one. Oh, he's like, please just. Oh, my God. Open the latch. That happens so fast. He's like, oh, you got to open the driver. There's a button. Oh, no, Tom, fuck you. I did a trunk. Holy shit. Oh, you dumb idiot. Not the trunk. Oh, man. That's not. Oh, and he's not getting it out. I think all of us have empathy on this one. What's I mean? We've all slammed our finger. That's the word. It's so fucking. It's so tight. It doesn't seem like your finger would have space for it. God. And that was also his crazy ass is like, you're shaking the. You know what I mean? He's shaking that. Oh, he's composed. He's very composed. Man. Oh, that's just like, hey. All right. But horrible is pretty horrible. Horrible or what? Hilarious. It was horrible until the lady opens the trunk. That made it really funny. Yeah. That felt like a good actual like a comedy movie, right? How many times are you in a rental car somewhere? Yeah. And you go to the gas station, you do that. And you're like, fucking trunk. Yeah. You do it again. Like no hood. Where the fuck is this thing? Yeah. Where's the fucking button for this? All right. Here's this one. Oh. Pause, pause, pause. OK. I like the where these going to go to. So this could go anywhere. I mean, it's a it's a it's a tilted over for the listeners here for the seven listeners of the show. It's a tilted over kind of forward bus. Like a charter bus. It's almost like it's a regular bus, but Bert was sitting in the front seat. It's exactly right. So it's just pushed down the front end is really low. So this could go anywhere from. I'll tell you what I think. Please don't go off the fucking cliff. Can I tell you what I immediately go to? Yeah. I immediately go to the man who's standing on the road. And I'm going, you shouldn't be standing there. If he knew he was in a YMH video right now, he would get out of there. Get out of there. Because I also see that the tires are turned towards him. Yeah. I mean, that's the first thing that I notice is that there's a guy. The tires are turned towards him slightly. A little bit more and they're coming right. You know, a lot of people got on. When I left town, I came back and observed a lot of things and a lot of comedians seem like they've turned against each other because people got too much into politics. And it got like, that's just terrible. This is awful. But YMH has been showing awful things for many, many years. Many years. You made your bones on it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we don't. It is crazy how many guys got involved in politics though. It's so lame. It's so weird. It's so lame. Go vote. But like what? What? I know. Show people suffering. Yeah. Let's see how terrible this gets. All right. He's another guy. He's he's in the really bad spot. Buena Barba. Oh, that's worse. That's where he's right on it. OK. He's standing exactly where he should stand. Fucking cliff. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, thank God, that tree. Oh, my God. It's such a drop. Stop driving. Is insane. Who's the driver there? Is there some guy like, hey, move this up for me? Oh, my God. Hey, all walks. You move it up for me. I've never done this before. This was. Um, how did they get out there? They could only get out through the big door. You could have. No, I knew it. No one was injured in this. Bullshit. But extremely terrified. That's what the note says. Yeah, you hear the screen was in reverse. But visually, I know you would be clued off that you're not in reverse. Dude. Wait, where would he know? OK, this guy. All right. I'm sorry. Reverse for sure. You think back up. He's he's he's just giving it a touch. OK. Oh, you can see that he needs to. Oh, that's why he's turned. He thinks he's in reverse to go like that. OK, now you're going to want to stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Still stop, still stop, still stop. It's so long of him not being in reverse. Oh, my God. I mean, so close. Do you think they're laughing like this was fun or was that a cross of terror? You could put those tear tear. Yeah, you could put those laughs over like a gentle, like what's the one with the horses? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mary go around, Mary go around. Yeah. And it would it would fit. It would fit. I know screams of terror. That was really nuts. He his brain short circling short circling. You ever have that where you're like, yes, I just wasn't thinking very briefly. But yeah, it's usually like a quick thing where you're like, what the fuck just happened? Yeah, that was awful, though. Is he going that guy? Is he fixed? Oh, he's under the. Oh, no. You didn't even see a guy there. He was fixing the stoplight. Stoplight or some electrical. Run. Did somebody hit him? Oh, yeah, somebody hit the car. Somebody probably hit the truck that has the cherry picker. Didn't move at all. Well, he just fell right out of it. We don't see it. It's it's you guys drop in. That's why you got to strap in. That one was pretty rough. Safety first. That guy is a piece of shit that was recording. Like how do you how do you why did he hide it as soon as it happened? Yeah, yeah, bad cameraman for sure. Yeah. What an asshole. Also, was he in on it from that distance? Why would you be recording a guy just fixing a stoplight? Let's see. He's pretty far away from it. Crunchy says. He says crunch before it happens. Crunch. Does he know something's about to hit that thing? Maybe he does. Crunchy does a crunch. Yeah. The truck he was working on was hit by a car. He was OK and only suffered minor injuries, surprisingly. What? Yeah. So you fell from two feet in the air. That's your vertical and broke everything. Yeah. And that guy fell from a cherry picker. Like two basketball feets high. Yeah. He had a helmet. I should have worn a helmet. Sure. I'm a little fine. You recover from that completely or do you still have pain? No, no. OK. Good man. Oh, no, no, no. Get out of there. Oh, no, no, no. No, for you. No, no. What? What? Oh, man. What she's screaming about is something off or she just in fear. I think maybe she she was she didn't get hit, but I think in trying to dip away, she got that scream was my leg is off. That's that kind of screen. But I broke her leg. OK. But the driver was OK due to the roll cage. Here, see it again. Yeah, she lost her footing trying to get out of the way. Right there. Oh. Oh. Oh, I didn't see it. Oh, God. Damn. Holy shit. Here we go again. Whoa, look at the leg on the woman. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. And right there. Oh, it's 90 degrees. Wow. Oh, fuck. Now, put that scream over a Ferris wheel and see if that carries the same. Wow. That is a weird thing is, bless you. Thank you. Kind of unrelated to the to the car. I mean, it was caused by it, but it wasn't like. Yeah. If any if there was like, you know what I mean, if there was free tacos and she was running, she would have done that. She would have done that too. Yeah. And she was it was just that little movement that she made. Not in shape. Yeah. That one's closer to your best ball. It totally is. That's what happens. That's what happens. Also. Yeah. Weird. My thought didn't at all go to the car flipping. My when I first it was like, who's he going to murder on this role? Yeah. Yep. The roll cage did it. God. So it was kind of horrible. And then it got hilarious. And I would I would argue that the scream was really funny. The screen because I forgot we were playing. I thought that the screen was less about the pain than the moment she sees it. She sees it. Yeah. She sees it. And she's like, that's not right. That's not right. My foot never points that way. I've seen my foot so many times. It's always never done that. Dude, I had a I had a. No. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, dude, I can't take these thighs. That's the last one. That's the last one. Jesus Christ. I was at the John Jones fight where he broke where he not the John Jones. Anderson Silva where he broke where he just snapped it and I was close. And it was like it didn't make sense. I was at the Conner one. Really? Yeah. It looks like a sock you fill up with like a bunch of marbles. And when they go to step to. Yeah. And they don't know it yet. Yeah. They step and like, oh, you know, I saw it because I was I was close. I saw it before the reaction. You know, we're so like I I see it a step and I'm like, oh, no. And then all of a sudden, like it was like one, two, three, you see everyone. Like, yeah, it was horrible. What a terrible. Did you see? Oh, also, yeah, he's doing a high dive job. Yeah, he's like he's about to jump. And I guess it looks like there's slots slots in there. Slats. What is it? What's the word I'm looking for? Yes, it's poorly designed. It's a very. That's crazy. You're about to jump off that. Was that a knot in? Yeah, they need a board on that. They don't have a board. The board's off and he goes, fuck the safety rules. I'll do it anyway. Went right through it. OK, but here's the problem. What? So the high dives is generally a judge sport. Yeah. What's the score? It's a pretty, pretty poor. It's poor for execution. Didn't get no splash, though. No splash. No splash. That's that's one of the keys you're looking for. Original. Original. No one's done this kind of dive before. Creative. Yeah. So six three. Do you have a new moment? Do you have a mic that's here just when you have a fart to fart into it? Is that Christina going, don't fart into my fucking mic anymore? No, she's like, please have a mic. Have a spare mic. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So he's got a mic called fart. He's a fart mic. Yeah, she loves it. If you gave an autistic child a billion dollars, they would build the YMH studios. Yeah, I know. It's crazy. It's crazy. What? That's crazy. Did you see the now mega viral clip of Ray J on Cam Newton's show? No. You got this. It's a few weeks ago. Ray J is the one who fucked the Kardashian. That's right. Who's center famous. Yeah. Yeah. Who was is built to please, as you like to say. Yeah. Yeah. And right. Cam, you know Cam, former NFL all pro quarterback. Panther, great. Yeah. Great quarterback. So I just love it when a woman weighs in on sports. Remember that one? He goes, I just think it's funny when people are like, what? It was, no, I mean, just like you've never. Yeah. It's like, oh dude. Oh yeah, that was hot. There was also the moment I love the. The from the in game mic is on. Yeah. And he's like standing behind the line of scrimmage and the linebacker says like, like screen, screen, screen or something like that. And Cam's goes, oh, you've been watching film, huh? Watch this and then takes the snap from the shock information and throws it a touchdown. Launches one downfield. No, it's like, it's like close to the end zone. Oh. But like, he's like, you've been watching film, huh? Watch this. And then he just throws it. Wow. It's awesome. It's one of my favorite. He's also watching film and he knows one weakness. He's like, no, you got my play picked up, but you don't. You don't know how it is going to go out. You don't know. It's awesome. Wow. It might be this one right here. Here it is. That's cool. Watch this. He's having fun. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a kid. How can I squeeze that? That's cool. You've been watching film, huh? Yeah, watch this. It's so cool, dude. It's a wheel route. Wow. To be in the NFL and have that interaction. Yeah. He's like, he's still just playing a game. Yeah. So cool. Wow. So anyway, he has this. Okay. So he has a podcast now. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of athletes doing podcasts. A lot of them. This one's great. And this is a, this interaction is amazing. I like a, I like a, we'll play it in a second, but I like a, like this, like a, former rapper or former athlete podcast. Cause he's like, I'm done. Yeah. So I'll say anything. Yeah. Cause you can't take anything away from me. This is all just bonus. All the smoke. That's one of the best ones, dude. What's all the smoke? That's, um, is that 50 cent? No, no, Matt Barnes and, uh, uh, Steven Jackson. Stacks, right? Matt Barnes is one of the few, uh, threats of violence I got after that Kobe tweet that I was like, no, that's fair. You knew him. Oh yeah. Yeah. That one's, that one's fair. This, their, their show is great, dude. Interesting. It's great. They just have all, and they're just like, I'm done playing. This is like fun bonus thing. I don't care if I say something wrong or you take it all away. It's like, it's so, yeah. And they have great conversations with a butt. Like they have so many good episodes. Okay. Let me see Kim and Ray J. Okay. Here you go. They got Jay Ford record. For the record. Wait. What? What a way to come into this. I know. You asked me that last time. And I just, because it's not okay. Last time wasn't this time. But when you say, I'm going to knock you out and put you in my bed. That, that's. That means I was going to sleep in and then put him in a bed with me. Yeah. That's right. That's the gay thing. That's a very suspect choice of words, brother. By the way, they're both dressed so gay. Yeah. They're both dressed, not just gay. They're both dressed gay to impress. Well, well, Cam is famous for his fashion, you know, you know, like he always has had like pretty stand out fashion. Sure. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. But if you put this guy at fucking Mickey's on West, on fucking Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood, you wouldn't go, that's an athlete. Right. You just go, that's some guy at Mickey's. Either way. So I listen to like, I listen to like biggie Smalls. You like biggie. I'm giving you an analogy to it. There's a, there's a, there's something. Can you answer yes or no and then go into that? That sigh was great. Shout out to the agency. Yes. What does it matter if I'm gay or not? I just, it doesn't matter. I just ask him a question. It's part that's, I mean, okay. So people like people. When they leave here, we're all together. When you leave and it's done and there's a wrap for the day, everybody's going to do something. Everybody's going to go to their perspective places. Some people are going to go home and I hate to say this, but it's just going to be grimy, but I'm sure that's drunk. You got to hear this. Some people are going to go home. They got a dog. That favorite dog. They stopped by the store, grabbed some peanut butter. Right. Go home excited to see their dog. They put a bunch of peanut butter on their feet. To the dog to lick it off. Some people even go further to watch TV on all fours, slap a little peanut butter in the crack and enjoy it. So the dog is having a good time. Right. It's so bad. I don't know what that is. It's not my business. It's not my business. Have you ever did that? Have I ever had a dog lick my ass and peanut butter in it? No. Okay. But I, but I'm familiar with it. Whoa. So Willie Ray, I'm familiar with it because I caught somebody doing it. Willie Ray. What? What? How? I don't know names, but it was a lot. Willie Ray. Yes. How old are you? I'm 45. You're 45 years old. And 45 years of living. Have you ever been with a man? I mean, it's no. Do you have not? You have not is now you're going into it. No, I'm not. I'm just trying to confirm. Yeah. But I don't want to, but here's the thing. It was a long pause to say no. Yeah. Board pause. Um, and I'm not only straight person on the board, but again, I have friends. Shout out to Terai, shout out to Dump and D, shout out to Backshot, shout out to Busy Baby. Shut up. Busy Baby. Busy Baby. That supports the agency and all the. What's the agency? I don't know. Um, it's not an agency. It's a agency. Yeah. Oh, thank you. Good answer. All things LGBTQ plus IA, IA plus. Sorry. It's just because you, I was already going in and then you looked up, I plus IA, but it's I plus. Okay. Is that kind of about any of this? Are you fucking, are you a homo? I didn't want to have to ask this, but it's fair. Are you gay? No, sir. Okay. Look how much quicker that answer was. And I've never experienced nobody getting licked. No, no, I'm just that was it. But that's that's of older people. Okay, people do that. Would you consider 36 Oh? No, I'm thinking like this, like 50, 55. Good thing I'm 36. So yeah. So I'm already. What? That too. He was like, but I mean, hold on. He's, he's nine years old of them. So when, yeah, when Ray J was 30, Cam was not in the NFL. Right. So why are you shocked that? Yeah, I don't know. You remember him getting drafted and you were already fucking dudes at the time. That Wow is be like, that's crazy that I'm older than you. It's like, no, it's not. He's like, I'm so young. Yeah. Seem it keeps you young. Not like that. I'm just saying I feel young. Um, yeah. Again, my apologies for the peanut butter stuff. It just was an analogy. Say less. You're just telling them experience. It's not mine. Yeah, but you experienced someone. I saw it. Which is still a dick. Peanut butter was there. Yeah. He holds a cigarette guy. The whole thing was fucking. The whole thing is pretty. This is one of the best clips I've seen in a long time for an interview. There's a lot, a lot of time packed. First he's like, are you getting, he's like, do you like Biggie Smalls? And I love the Psy. It just goes like. Can you just answer? He's like, would you like Biggie? He was talking to Ray J like, like you talk to a drunk heckler. Yeah. Who's not taking like, are you got me on that one? They just keep going and eventually like, did your belligerent? Yeah, we got to get him out of here. Yeah. We can't do this. Come on guys, I've tried. Yeah. No, exactly. That's exactly how it is. And then he's like, we're all going to leave here. We're all people. Like, yeah. Some people love their dog and they're going to go get peanut butter. And when they get home, that's what they're going to do. As you ever did that. And he goes, no, but I've seen people. And goes, that's one where Bert would be like, get sidetracked on the story. Oh my God. I'm staying in the pocket and go, I'm all go down that road in a minute. I want this gay answer. So let's stay on point. Well, the part of the brilliance of this clip is honestly Cam not speaking. Play calling. He knew to let him go. And that's like a great. Really every time I got to learn that I do interviewer tactic, right? If somebody is on one like this, you got to just stay quiet. That's why we got this clip is because he stayed quiet. That was amazing. Can I point something else out too? Yeah. If you just watch on mute, Cam Newton didn't put a lot of money in these chairs. They're very rickety. Just from a production standpoint, like get something stronger. You want better chairs? Yeah. Prist play. Watch it shake. You don't have to listen to it. I see moves. Hold on. Look at that. Oh yeah. I see what you're saying. Cheap Cam. Cheap, bro. Rookie of the year. I did not. Go on. Okay. All right. Fair. Yeah. There's a high level. That's the shit I would do in my apartment. You're the only guy who watched this probably in the world. It was like with some of these chairs. How are you? Are you gay? Tom. Yeah. If Bert was here, we could have a long talk. Okay. Do I have friends? Can you please just answer the question? I'm trying. I'm setting up an analogy for what I'm talking about. Okay. Do I have friends? Yes. Yes. Now a lot of those friends have hats, have baseball caps, have other types of some have cowboy hats. And everyone wears a different cap at different times. And sometimes Tom, sometimes they don't wear any cap at all. They just brush their hair and go out. And I'm out here to judge those people. How old are you? 47. So whatever cap you have on is your cap for the day. And I'm familiar with people who've done it everywhere. Next question. What? You like hats, right? What? I guess this is so insane. All right, listen. This was a lot of fun. This was a lot of fun. Dude, this is such a fun part. I'm sorry, Christina couldn't be here today. Yes. Don't forget to buy your lipstick. Lipstick. Can we show one of these production cards that the idiots made? Yeah, can we? So my last production card was me. Actually, it was that moment. You made it happen. I'm an outsider of Hollywood. And so like you need a production card. You're like, I'm not actually, that's my old one. It's just me blurred out on stage after you told me, take your dick out. Well, I was... I can't believe that was me. It was you. Really? Oh yeah. And it was a great suggestion. Okay. But I was like, let's do that. How about a blurred out shot of my cock? I'm sure my first thing was like, have my cock. And they're like, no. No. And so what's the other one? So I was going traveling and had my files. And we had to start finishing these. And so I wrote to Neanna and Zolo and the rest of them. And I was like, guys, if you don't mind the extra work, make me any production card or production cards you want for the end. And I'll just force myself to use those. Okay. So I have not seen them all. I've seen a couple of them. They're rude. The rude? Some of them are, I would say, over the line. Okay. Can we get... Oh, come on. That's the card? That's okay. So it goes YMH. And then it goes Eric Ayrton's card. And then you have that thing where it goes like this, whatever. And then that. Holy shit. Caitlin made that one. Oh my God. Caitlin. Wow. Caitlin, I trusted you. That is slightly offensive. The cool thing about making a TV show completely on your own is you're allowed to do it. You're allowed to do it. You're allowed to do it. The cool thing about making a TV show completely on your own is you're allowed to do whatever you want. You really can. That's hilarious, bro. Wow. Oh, there's other ones. Some are less offensive. This is me dancing at Carnival. Did you go to Carnival? Yeah. Let's go for it. Oh, you said it was amazing. It was just the best. Just dancing and drinking. Oh, come on. All right. Meow. That's pretty meow. Which one did they use? They used seven of them. Seven episodes. Oh, they switched them out. Yeah. Okay. Let me see another one. These are fucking great, man. I've done a great job on that one. That was pretty great. They're really getting in there. Nice. That's pretty great, dude. Nice. If you want to hear a story about that card, episode one of The End with me, Colin Tirol and Tom Segura. Yeah. That's another one where you're like, are you worried about telling these stories? I'm like, oh, I got to talk to him. Yeah. He's fine. Okay. I like it. It's from Ubi Trippin. Yeah. Okay. I like it. Oh, boy. Oh. Oh, I remember the Jew clam. That's kind of, that reminds me of Jew clam. That first one is nuts. The first one. Yeah. No one stays till the end. No one stays till the end or it'd already be in trouble. I'm making a brow. I'm making a brow. It's a gold coin. That is insane. Who did that one? Katelyn. Nice, bro. That's amazing. You really have, it's like you've trained a bunch of lions and then released donkeys and go, let's see what they do. Yeah. They kill it all the time, man. These guys are so funny. Oh, my God. Get the end. It's at ymhstudios.com. All the comedians participate. Yeah. We're paying the comments. Yeah. It's not like. This doesn't really been done. I don't, is this done ever? There's like points for like stars, but like not like this. Not like this. No, it's crazy. We're told all the comics. There was a mixture of comics between people who were like, wanted to do show always and it was never on. Yeah. Like I canceled, I couldn't do it. I've always wanted to. Old timers. Yeah. Like you who was like, I love this show. It's funny too when the show got sort of canceled. Yeah. And then they were like, are you still going to do it? You and Bert were like, no. No. I didn't want to do it already. No. So he's a favorite for Ari. Ari's out. What are you talking about? No way. But, um, yeah. And it was like, all these guys are doing like, let's split up the money with everybody. It's a very good idea. It's very cool. Um, the show is great. Thank you. And, um, I think we're helping it happen and all these guys. Absolutely. Thank you. Yeah. They, um, they killed it. And don't forget, check out Chichabomba. What? Chichabomba. Oh, that's it. The bakery. Yeah. Chichabomba. What is that? It means little fat ass. Like we call little fat kid. Okay. Yeah. Check out the bakery. I'm going today. So today is like a soft, soft launch. Yeah. So, and it's okay either way, but I just want to know like, is today like freebies or is like a pay thing. Oh, fuck man. It's, it's free. Hey, cancel that order from the burrito place. You can eat your heart out. My little buddy, I'm going to eat you poor. Yeah. Please do. Now you're going to rename it po'bre segura. Um, and how do you say thank you in Hebrew? Todah. Todah. Todah. Todah. All right. It's such a. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. We'll see you next week. Are you doing gender fluid? Are you doing gender fluid in your mouth? Are you doing gender fluid in your mouth? Are you doing gender fluid in your mouth? Changes in sexual performance are more common than most people realize and support doesn't need to feel awkward. With MedExpress, everything happens privately online. Start by completing a short consultation reviewed by UK registered clinicians. If eligible, treatment is delivered discreetly to your home with ongoing support whenever you need it. You're not alone in this. Visit medexpress.co.uk slash podcast to learn more.