The Twelve Tortoises (Part I)

PINNA PINNA PINNA Hi, my name is Adam Gidwitz. I'm an author. I'm also a storyteller. I like telling all kinds of stories, but I especially like telling grim fairy tales. You may think you know grim fairy tales, and you may think that they are sweet and boring. But listen, those tales you heard were the cute happy little kid bedtime versions of the grim tales. The original grim fairy tales aren't like that at all. They're weird, and sometimes gross, and often scary. In other words, they're grim. And I'm about to walk into a classroom and tell one of the original grim grim tales to a bunch of kids. Do you want to join me? Do you want to hear a grim fairy tale? Let me help you decide. On a scale of grim, grimer, and grimist, this episode is grimer. The heroes of this story find themselves in a very grim situation, indeed. If I get to a part of the story and you start to feel scared or uncomfortable, this is what you could do. You could turn down the volume and count to five. Then turn the volume back up. If it still seems like a part you don't want to hear, just turn the volume down and count to five again. You know how much weird and gross and scary you're ready for. You know what you need. Okay, I'm at the classroom door now. There are kids inside waiting to hear a grim fairy tale. So, are you coming in? Grim, grimer, grimist. How are you today? Good. Anything you want to tell me? No, just to tell the boring day of school. It was boring? Yes. Let's see if we can make it less boring, shall we? The story is a little different than last time. This story is not by the brothers Grim. You should buy like a vom-share fond, or something like that. That was beautifully pronounced. Perfect. Like Ron Sava von Sherbert. Close but not Sherbert. I love Sherbert. I like Sherbert. His name is Franz Ksava von Schunvert. What? That's von Schunvert. It sounds French. It's really Spanish. Italian. It's not Italian. Franz Ksava von Schunvert is German. What? Would you like to learn how to say his name? Please repeat after me. Franz. Ksava von Schunvert. Schunvert. Laughing at this guy's name? Well, anyway, Franz Ksava von Schunvert. He lived in Germany at the same time as the brothers Grim. And he traveled around Germany collecting stories just like they did. But there was a big difference. What? When the brothers Grim collected their stories, they would edit them and then publish them. What does it mean to edit something? Like make it cooler and add a lot of stuff to it. Exactly right. They would make it cooler. They would add stuff to it. They would make the language better. Franz Ksava von Schunvert never published his stories. They were found in a box in a library only like 20 years ago, even though he wrote them down 150 years ago. What? Yes. So he's out alive? No. Franz Ksava von Schunvert did not edit his stories. He did not make them cooler or change the language. So the stories he wrote down are even weirder than the brothers Grim's stories. If possible. Sometimes things happen and you're like, I don't understand why is that happening? And we never find out why. Okay. This story is called the 12 tortoises. What? Raise your hand if you know what a tortoise is. A tortoise is like a turtle but it has feet. A tortoise is like a turtle but instead of having webbed feet it has like land feet because tortoises live on land. That's exactly right. Once upon a time there was a mother and a father who were so poor they had nothing to eat and no place to call home. They had two children they loved dearly. But despite all their efforts to find steady work or to scavenge food for their kids, every day the family grew hungrier and hungrier. And when the nights grew long and cold and food became scarcer than a feather on a fish, they would huddle together for warmth. And the parents would say, no matter what? We'll take care of each other. As winter swiftly approached things were looking bleak. They needed to find food and shelter or the whole family would freeze. One day they were trudging through a dark wood. The little boy whose name was Elias said, I'm starving to death. Now usually when a kid says that, very exaggerating. If you ever said like I'm starving can you go ahead and say it the way you say it when you're you know. Oh, God. Perfect. So annoying. Excellent. But this time Elias's parents looked at him and thought that maybe he was telling the truth. The little boy's big sister whose name was Caroline said, I think I'm starving too. What are we going to do? Their parents hugged them and said, no matter what? We'll take care of each other. Just then they came to a clearing where they stood and in. Certainly the innkeeper will give us warmth and work and some scrapsteed. Said the father and the children cheered. Hooray! But the family didn't know though was that the inn was not run by the innkeeper. It was run by the innkeeper's wife. A greedy old woman who guarded her garbage scraps as if they were gold so she could feed them to her hogs while her husband slept and snored all day. Anyone know what a hog is? I think it's him sort of pig. Like an old fat pig. But the family didn't know any of that. So shivering but hopeful. They knocked on the door of the inn. The old innkeeper's wife slowly opened the door. Yes! Please ma'am, we're looking for work and warmth and food to eat. Would you help us? Work! Warm! Food to eat? I've got a good for nothing, husband and an old herd of hogs to take care of. If I give you food, what do you expect me to eat? Please, even just a garbage scrap. Beg to the father. But the innkeeper's wife sneered. I can't give you garbage scraps! Meogs are hungry! The mother pleaded again. You don't have to help us. But please, could you help our children? The innkeeper's wife thought about it. I tell you what, I will buy your two children for ten gold de blooms! What are de blooms? I think it's like a type of money in that time. So first of all, de blooms are an old fashioned kind of money. Second of all, they offer to buy the kids. Do you think the parents are going to say to that? No, no, because that's the only thing they got. Yes, the kids are the only thing they have. Anyone I add to that? I think that that woman is too greedy and I don't think she will take care of the kids as she buys them. I think they'll be treated like servants. I think this lady, she's acting very subs... I can't say who else. Suspicious. Suspicious. And I thought the house was creepy and old and it's made out of one because some fairy tales have a lady where she says, Oh, I'm so nice! She's really evil. Who likes to maybe treat kids like soup? She might like to treat kids like soup. Her baby is soup doesn't get treated nice. You're going to eat the soup and soup is getting killed by me. What a fascinating observation. Let's find out. The parents replied, We would never sell our children. Never! Not for any price. But... You can have them for free. What? What kind of parents are these? Why would they do that? It seems totally nuts, but this is what happens in the original story because I told you, France, France, and France were weird. Elias cried and Caroline begged her parents. But you always say, no matter what, we'll take care of each other. How could you do this? But before they could answer, the innkeeper's wife, yanked the children inside and slammed the door in the parents' face. They broke the promise. It seems like they broke the promise. Yeah, they don't care about each other anymore. They just let them go. They just want them to have food. That's why they did it. How interesting. The innkeeper's wife was a mean and selfish woman who cared about no one except maybe her hogs. She used the children as slaves, forcing them to clean and scrub and do the laundry. And she fed them only the garbage scraps her hogs wouldn't eat. And always she would mutter. Why did I take in these two ungrateful brats? I'm too kind-hearted. That's my problem. Do you agree with her? No! And then one day, the innkeeper's wife produced a pack of cards. You work so hard! She said to the children, and her voice had become syrupy sweet. Come sit here. Why don't we play a little game? Elias loved games, and he had never even held a deck of cards before, so he was eager to play. Caroline, though, felt a bit suspicious at the sudden sweetness and the voice of the innkeeper's wife. But Elias wanted to play so much that Caroline sat down across the table from him, and the innkeeper's wife taught them how to play. The deck of cards was placed between the children, and they would take turns drawing a card. And whoever pulled the ace of spades first was the loser. I think she might do something bad to them if they lose. Is she going to eat them? Maybe like she's going to feed them up to her hogs. Let's find out. After the innkeeper's wife had explained the rules, Caroline said, Uh, that sounds like kind of a boring game. But Elias clapped his little hands and said he wanted to go first. No! Ladies first, go ahead, Caroline. So, Caroline went first. She pulled the top card off of the deck, and it was... ...not an ace of spades, something else. Jack of Hearts. Then it was Elias' turn to pick a card. He drew from the top of the deck, and it was... Not his frames. It was the something of clubs. It was the something of clubs. Clubs, yeah. Yeah, the something of clubs. Caroline went again, and she pulled a... Queen of Hearts. Queen of Hearts. And then it was Elias' turn, and he pulled... ...and played the game. ...and despite the fact that it was a boring game, Caroline shouted, I won! ...and Elias immediately said, I want to play again. But the innkeeper's wife said, And for the loser! And suddenly, her voice wasn't sweet at all. But before she could finish her sentence, there was a beating of wings, and through the window, blew a majestic tall blue swan. It grabbed Elias with its black-webbed feet, and lifted him into the air. What? Caroline screamed and tried to grab her brother's feet to pull him back to Earth, with a swan who straight out the window, carrying Elias away. Caroline screamed, and she ran out of the house into the cold. The innkeeper's wife shouted, Get back here! Those of you! Not that Elias had any choice in the matter, seeing that he was being carried away by a blue swan. But Caroline did have a choice, and she could think of only one thing. No matter what... We'll take care of each other. So Caroline ran into the dark, cold forest, looking for the blue swan, and for her brother. Far in the distance, the blue swan carried Elias away, with two white swans following behind. Caroline tried to follow them, but in moments, they were all out of sight. What? Maybe on the goose, the pants were the goose, like, getting the kids. You think the parents are the swan, and they were trying to get the kid? Yeah! What an interesting theory! Though Elias and the blue swan and the white swans were now far out of sight, Caroline refused to give up. She ran for days across the snow, searching for Elias and the three swans. She'd been heartbroken that she'd lost her parents, but this was even worse. Elias was her best friend, and without him, the world felt cold, lonely, and far too big. But he was nowhere to be found. Music Did you know that you can listen to Grim, Grimmer, Grimmist, without any ads interrupting the story? Just subscribe to Pinnah. Not only will you get to hear me tell these fairy tales straight through the way I tell them to kids, you get access to tons of other awesome original shows and audiobooks all ad-free. Subscribe to Pinnah at Pinnah.fm. That's P-I-N-N-A-D-F-M, and use code Grim with two M's to get 30% off an annual subscription. And remember, it's not a smurf! Music A lot of people remember what they dream about when they go to sleep. But what if you discovered you could move between the world of dreams and real life? That's the story of Dream Reachers, where Evan wakes up on his 12th birthday and realizes that something he dreamed about that night had actually happened. Dream Reachers is a high stakes sci-fi mystery adventure, and with the help of his friends, a reappearing stranger, and a mysterious organization called the Dream Academy, Evan will discover what it means to be a Dream Reacher. If that sounds like a dream to you, you are in luck, my friend. You can listen to Dream Reachers now, wherever you get your podcasts. Music Years went by, and eventually Caroline gave up her search and found herself a half-decent job working as a servant to a king. She spent her days polishing the window frames, sweeping the marble floors, and tending to the king's vast collection of wilting forgotten plants. The plants were wilting and forgotten, and the window frames were dusty, and the marble floors were dirty, because this king was obsessed with card games, and had lost all his riches playing them. He had gambled away all of his money, horses, art, robes, jewels, and even the furniture, and he owed many debts to lords and counts and kings from far off lands. Caroline would watch him play sometimes, and while he liked poker, and Blackjack, and Therinjian Carnifle. You guys like Therinjian Carnifle? I already know what that is. You guys have never played Therinjian Carnifle? I'm just kidding, I've never heard of it either. While the king liked all those games, he really just liked to draw cards from the deck, and whoever drew the Ace of Spades first, lost. The whole thing made Caroline sick to see. I'm thinking it's because her brother lost, and then she got flow away. Yeah, that was the game that made her lose her brother, exactly. But one day, as she was trying to revive a very sad looking Rose Bush in the conservatory, the king summoned Caroline in a panic. The Duke of Gotha is coming tonight! The Duke of Gotha had come many nights. He and the king played cards regularly. Caroline said, And? And I owe him 50 gold to blooms. And if I can't pay him, I'll lose everything. Do you hear me? Everything! My job is to clean the window cells and tend to your wilting plants. What do you want me to do about it? The king plucked a single rose from the wilting Rose Bush. Go to town and sell this rose for 50 to blooms. If you do it, I'll let you keep three. He handed her the rose. Caroline said, And if I can't sell this sad looking rose for 50 to blooms? Then I'll have to sell you to the Duke of Gotha. And trust me, you don't want to work for the Duke. He's a very wicked man. I feel like the Blue and Sh have a high value. Yes, I think the Blue and Sh are worth a lot. I think you're right, because only 50 is going to get him out of debt. I don't think Caroline is going to sell a rose for 50 to blooms. Caroline did not want to be sold to the Duke of Gotha, so she hurried off to the market. But when she got to the town square and tried to sell the rose, everyone laughed. 50 to blooms for a willing rose. What does it do? Singing dance, Grap-free wishes and beg me a pie? No one was willing to pay the price. After hours without any luck, the sun was beginning to set, and Caroline was feeling defeated. She sat down beside a pond, despairing, and said to herself, I don't want to be sold to the wicked Duke? Just then, she saw 13 swans, gliding across the surface of the pond in her direction. And each had a small wooden cask around its neck. It's like a mini barrel. You know what a wooden barrel looks like? Never seen like a cartoon or like a donkey Kong, it's like a... You guys don't know what I'm talking about. It looks like a trash can made of wood. How about that? Okay, but it's closed on both sides. I know it is. It's like a barrel that would take food, but the donkey Kong smash it in the movie. Yeah, like in the donkey Kong movie. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like a round container. So they have these little barrels around their necks. The swan at the very front of the line was majestic tall and a striking shade of... Blue. That's right. Caroline's breath caught in her throat. She had seen this blue swan before many years ago. When it opened its beak, it spoke, and its voice was as eerily calm as the surface of the palm. Your king is in trouble. If you want, I can help you. But Caroline said, You stole my brother. As calm as the water, the swan replied, Do you want my help? How can you help me? Where is my brother? The swan merely said, Take these casks from around our necks, But do not ask what's in them, And tell no one where they came from. Caroline hesitated. What do you think? What would you do? You're the creepiest swans I have ever met in my life. Why do I trust you? You're talking. You are crazy. Bye. I think for a swan to stole her brother, You should have really trust him. I shouldn't trust him. I would do it because I think maybe the blue swan saved him, Not stole him. With trembling hands, Caroline took the 13 casks from around the swans necks, And hurried back to the palace. Meanwhile, the Duke of Gotha had already arrived. When the king had not produced his 50 gold the bloons, The Duke drew a sword and held it to the king's neck. The king had only one guard to protect him, And this guard had not been paid in a very long time. So as the Duke of Gotha threatened to kill the king, The king's guard merely watched. The Duke said, The sun is about to set your highness. There is the money you owe me. I told you, My servant had to make a quick trip to the royal bank, But she should be here any moment. Just then, Caroline burst through the door. You're here. I mean, of course you're here. I told you she'd be here. Now, fork over the gold. Caroline presented the king with the 12 casks. The king said, casks, where did you get these? I cannot say. And what's inside them? I cannot say. Well, it better be gold. As quickly as he could, the king opened the first cask, In which he found a hundred gold to bloons. And when he opened the next cask, he found a hundred more. Each of the 13 casks contained a hundred gold to bloons. How many is that? 13 hundred gold to bloons. And so the Duke of Gotha, she the sword, Took the to bloons he was owed, And went merrily on his way. The king laughed with pride. We did it, we did it. Of course we did it. I always pay my debts. Please, with her good work, Caroline humbly asked, So, may I have the three to bloons you promised me? Of course, but I need all these to bloons for my next card game. But when I win, which I certainly will, I promise to give you 20 gold to bloons. Plus the three I owe you. What do you think of that? I just think he's going to lose. Because he has so many card games like you have to stop playing. This is the reason you're born and dad and all that. 100%. If it isn't too much trouble your highness, I would much prefer to just have the three gold to bloons now. A funny look came over the king's face. Do you dare question my generosity, servant? Why I could have you killed? I'm sorry. The king flipped a gold to bloon to his guard and commanded him. Seize this ungrateful swine, throw her in the dungeon at once. Caroline ran out of the castle faster than you can say. What's a long word that I could use here faster than you can say? Zoom. Zoom. Okay, it's not a very long word, but yes, it's good. It's good. Fast word. I was going to say never. You were going to say zoom also? The Sherbert guy. Run faster than you can say. Run faster than you can say. Caroline ran out of the castle faster than you can say. Run faster than you can say. But the guard gave chase. He rode after her on horseback with his sword drawn, ready to seize her or kill her if he had to. It's amazing what some people will do or a single gold to bloon. Caroline ran and ran and ran into the deep dark woods. She ducked under brambles and behind trees, but the guard on the horse was getting closer and closer, hacking at the forest with his sharp sword. I think Caroline had enough running for a lifetime. I know she really has poor Caroline. And then Caroline saw something glowing up ahead, a line of 12 swans and one blue one. She ran to them and they surrounded her. And the guard ran right past as if he didn't see her or the swans at all. Then the tall blue swan looked Caroline right in the eye and said, I can help you. How? Go to the quietest part of the darkest woods. There you will find an inn. Meet me there and I will tell you what to do next. And so Caroline went to the quietest part of the darkest woods. And when she got there, she saw an old inn falling into disrepair. Its chimney had fallen down and vines were covering up the windows. Even so, Caroline couldn't fail to recognize it. It was the inn where her parents had abandoned her all those years ago. And then the door opened and out walked the old innkeeper's wife. She looked more haggard than ever. Who goes there? They should be long to me! Startled, Caroline backed away. But the innkeeper's wife saw her and her voice changed. Oh heavens, you look like you've just seen a ghost! Come in, come in dear girl, you must stay the night. She's doing that sweet voice again. And we know that sweet voice bad news. That the same lady that then let like last time for that rental. It's the hog lady. And she doesn't recognize her girl too much. She will away in its city years and years past. Exactly right. Caroline replied wearily. No thank you. I'm just waiting for someone. Well, at least let me give you something to eat and drink while you wait. Caroline was very hungry and very thirsty. The innkeeper's wife said. Here, come inside. Have some fresh eggs milk. Baby, it has poison in it. You guys, because she's, when she does sweet voice, something always bad's happening. They killing because, yeah. Do you guys think she should go in? No! Caroline knew the innkeeper's wife was not a nice woman. But she had never hurt the children. And besides, Caroline was curious to see what her former home looked like. So, with her pulse beating quickly in her chest, she walked inside. There was barely any light thanks to the vines covering the windows. And cobwebs seemed to be growing like moss from the ceiling in the walls. The innkeeper's wife held out a glass of hogs milk. Caroline's throat was aching with thirst. One little sip couldn't hurt, right? Yes, it could. Very much could. Caroline took a sip of the hog's milk, and she fell down in a fate, and sank instantly into a deep, deep sleep. Ha ha ha ha! The innkeeper's wife cackled. And that's all we have time for today. No! We will find out what happens to Caroline next time. And if I somehow had a different sound balance, running to a donkey, making it run all the way to my house, and then I would cry in my house. The only weird thing about that is the donkey, what? Alright, let's get going. So, he, Franz XVI von Schoenvert, did not edit his stories. Sometimes things happen and you're like, I don't understand why is that happening. And we never find out why. Okay? It's coming about the donkey, we don't know why. Just like this comment about the donkey, we don't know why. I can't drive a car. Okay, so you go with a donkey, I can. Maybe a horse. Did it work? Is this thing on? Okay, good. Hi! My name is Carly Q. And if you're anything like me, you may have noticed that there are a lot of big questions out there that need answers. Like, is the lockness monster real? What's going on in the Bermuda Triangle? And who ate my pie? Okay, well maybe the last one hasn't occurred to you, but on who went wow, mystery edition, I'm solving all of life's mysteries. Well, at least some of them. Join me as I travel through space and time to investigate history's most famous mysteries all during my lunch break. Some things can't be explained, but they can be explored. Listen to episodes of Who When Wow Mystery Edition wherever you get your podcasts. Go on adventures with Opal Watson, the curious brave kid detective with her own mystery solving business. Whether something's gone missing or something strange is happening in town, she'll get to the bottom of it. She always does. So break out your notepad and be prepared for dramatic twists and turns because you're coming along on her next case. Opal Watson, private eye. Listen now, wherever you get your podcasts. Grim Grimmer Grimmers is a penna original production created, written and narrated by me, Adam Gidwitz, author of a tale, Dark and Grim. Coal Written by Ali Horn, produced and edited by Kaelin West, associate producer Rebecca Cunningham, field recording by Julia Martin, casting and voice direction by Rebecca Cunningham, sound design and mixing by Kaelin West, executive produced by Carly Malliore, production support by Devon Shepherd, characters voiced by Triel Leong, Lath Walshleger, Rob Moreda, Tyler Keys, and Charlotte Wilson Langley. Special thanks to all the kids who joined us in Staten Island and Brooklyn for our storytelling sessions. You guys are awesome. Thank you.