At John Lewis Money, we know your home is more than an address. It's the sunlight pouring in. Well, sometimes. The coffee on tap and the best spot on the sofa. It's why our home insurance is thoughtfully designed with three levels of flexible cover for the home you've created. Because when you notice the details, you notice the difference. Search John Lewis Money. Terms and exclusions apply. John Lewis Finance Limited is authorised for insurance distribution and credit-broking by the Financial Conduct Authority. Why go small when you can go grand? Meet the new Vauxhall Grandland Griffin. Striking alloys, sleek black roof, heated front seats and 10-inch touchscreen. Everything you need for life on the move. Grand on style, grand on tech, grand on value. And during the Vauxhall sales event, get a grand off the new Grandland Griffin or any other new Vauxhall on top of all other offers. Search Vauxhall Car Offers. Offer to private individuals, £1,000 including the AT saving on new car orders between 15-31 May, must be registered by 30 June 2026, 18-plus season C supply. It's The Late Show Pot Show with Stephen Colbert. Everybody is excited to see Jim Gaffigan as we always are here at The Late Show. Jim, thank you so much for being here. Of course. And to bring back more of your bourbon, by the way. The Father Time, shall we test them? Oh, yeah. There you go. Let's sell some bottles. A little liquid courage. So, you know, I love having a little cocktail with you and talking to you when we're on the show, but the problem is, is that we're not going to be able to do anything about it. But the problem is, is that even though you and I have been able to spend some time not on-shell, like talking off-camera, it's just never enough to learn about Jim Gaffigan. Oh, well, thanks. There's so much more to plum about you. You're a bottomless pit of interest. Oh, my God. And I think that's a problem. Don't oversell it. I think it's a problem. A bottomless pit of interest. Yes, age cannot wither nor custom stale your infinite variety, Jim. And so, what I like to do for special guests like you is that I like to ask them a series of questions we call the Colbert Questionnaire. And the questionnaire... And you know how, you know, St. Paul says, you know, then I shall know as surely as I am known. This, what it allows, allows the world to know you, Jim. And the question is, are you prepared to be known? I am prepared. Question one. Okay. As always. Jim Gaffigan. Yes. What is the best sandwich? Ooh. Yeah. I didn't know it was going to be hard questions. Yeah. Some of this has to do with what you have to do after said sandwich. If you don't have anything to do, then it's a pastrami sandwich from Cassis Deli. Wow. Definitely. If you don't have anything to do and you're in Chicago, I'm going to go Italian beef from... Mr. Beef? Mr. Beef or Luma Mattis. Okay. I love them all. Mr. Beef, and do you beef wet? Peppers. Hot peppers, sweet peppers. Hot peppers. Hot peppers wet. Huh? Hot and wet. Hot and wet, yeah. Hot and wet. I mean, it's messy. Yeah, yeah, sure. If you don't, if you do have something to do, what are these sandwiches going to do to you? Well, the thing is, is no one's ever, like, eaten a pastrami sandwich and done anything. You know what I mean? No one's been like, all right, I did that. Time to head back to be productive at work. You know? You have a pastrami sandwich and then you're like, goodbye. Right? What was your first concert you attended? My first concert was James Taylor. I was 16. I had gotten my license that day. I... And my brothers and sisters, I'm the youngest of six, they took me with them. They were all drinking. And I thought, hey, I'll drink, too. And so I went up to the bar. It was at Alpine Valley or whatever. Alpine Doppler Creek. And I... They're like, do you have an ID? I'm 16. And one month, which had to be in Indiana. And I showed them my ID and the guy looked at my ID and he took it. And I said, can I have that back? He goes, no. And so then I got back from the concert. The next day, my dad hadn't seen my license. He's like, I want to see your license. And I'm like, just one minute. I lost it. And so then we went and got another license. And eventually my license was mailed to me by the, you know, the organization that it was Alpine Valley or whatever. And the head of the department that sent it, his name was also James Taylor. What? I never said it was interesting. I just thought that it was... I was about to say there was a fantastic buildup with a twist ending that in no way paid off. There was no... There was... Wait a second. I don't understand. I don't understand. Was the license, did you fake it? Did you like make it 18? No, I was 16. I thought you just had to show an ID and they'd be like, all right, fine. And did the letter say your son tried to buy liquor? Yes. Oh, shoot. And my parents were, you know, they pretended to be, you know, disappointed. But at that time, you know, I think we're, you know, I was allowed to drink at home, you know? Now it's all... What was the... What was the tour, by the way? What year were we talking? Oh, well, I was 16. I don't know. I don't know what the tour was. You don't know what year it was when you were 16? No, I don't... What year were you 16, Jim Gaffigan? Can I see some ID? Wait a minute. No one knows what year were you when you were 16. 16, 1980. 1980. Sorry, so I was probably before, after that. I was... I was 16. How old are you now? How old are you now? You know you're weirdly smart. You know that, right? Like, you know, most humans don't have your knowledge. Like, the source of the... What year I was 16? Most... That's not exactly... Most people don't know the year they graduated. They don't know the year they graduated in high school. They don't know the year they're 16. Right. You know the year you graduated in high school, then you take two years off. That's exactly how I did it. 82, 80, 16. That works out. I was born in 64. All right, I'm dumb. Okay. What year were you 16? Please, not one question. No two. Sandwich? Oh, yeah, yeah. Sandwich. Okay. Because I went to the Justa Terrestrial Tour in 1982, so I was just wondering whether you went to that one. I don't know. I mean... I'm going to call James and say that you didn't care. I did. I do care. I'll put on the roof. Have you met... Have you met Mr. Taylor? I don't think I have. Lovely fellow. Okay. What is the scariest animal? Okay, I'm going to say a New York... a drunk New York Rangers fan. Right? Have you run into one in the wild? Oh, yeah. No, if you're walking around Penn State... Penn Station and you, you know, like, they lost or won. Neither was that good? Okay. Those people are having a good time. Jim Gaffigan, apples or oranges? Obviously apples. Yes. Right? Oranges way too much work. And half the time, not worth it. Right? Yeah. Apples all the way. Peanut butter and apple. Peanut butter and orange? Yeah. No. No. Have you ever asked someone for their autograph? I stood in line to get J.J. Walker's... Jimmy J.J. Dinomite Kid Walker? And he signed my Dinomite hat. Oh. Was that at the James Taylor concert? No, that was... I was much younger. I don't know what year it was, but... But it was... I think I was like eight, but he came this... I mean, we still lived in Illinois at the time, and I stood in line for a good hour, and he signed my cap. Oh, that's lovely. And it was amazing. That's fantastic. It was amazing. What happens... What do you think happens when we die? Well, thankfully, I'll never have to find out. You know? Which is... I... I don't... Hurley Gates? I don't... Like you're going for that, the whole nine yards? Sure. I don't know. I mean, yes, I guess... Yeah, you want to believe that. I mean, I think the more... I'm going to dodge the question. I think the more interesting question is, why are we... Like, human beings... And I witnessed this when my wife was very close to death, is that we exist generally in absolute denial about our demise. Right? So, like, the fact that when... We've all lost someone. We've all been in touch with that fear and that panic and that kind of concern. But generally, we're like, I'm not going to die. I'm not going to die. So, I guess I don't know, but it's probably bad. I'm just too Catholic. I'm going to get in trouble. What, really? I think... I mean, I don't know. I just... I just... I live with a lot of guilt. And I know that's not necessarily the intellectual Catholic approach, but that's where I live. Why do you say it with that tone? Because you're the smartest person I know. But I'm not an intellectual... That's certainly an intellectual Catholic. My dad was sort of an intellectual Catholic. He, like, read, This isn't about me. Let's move on. No, but I... I'm envious of it. I'm envious. I have all these books about saints that I want to read, but, you know, that involves paying attention, you know? Sure. Do you have a... I'll throw a free ball in here. Yeah. You got a favorite saint? I mean, I just love the fact that so many of them were just scumbags that ended up turning it around. Right. Do you know what I mean? Like, that's what people don't realize. Like, we think of saint as these really holy people, but a lot of, you know, Paul was a dirtbag. Yeah. You know? Killing people out of their right. Yeah. So, like, that's the whole... There's... Particularly if you live in a pool of regret like I do, that's some hope there. I do. I like... That's the reason why I like St. Peter. Yeah. And again, this isn't about me, but the reason I like St. Peter is that he was, you know, right-hand man... Yeah. ...and then blows it. Oh, yeah. He denies Christ three times for the cockroaches and still gets the big job. And why... So, it's like... The rocks between the ears, Pete. Yeah. You know, it seems almost intentional they pick this guy, right? Right. He picks someone who's going to fail at the job immediately. And then they go with the apple infallibility when Peter was obviously, you know, flawed, right? Yeah. We'll be right back. I think it's a misprint. I think it's inflatability. Inflatability. Yeah. Favored action movie. Oh. Driving Miss Daisy, probably. Um... Quality kills. Right. When she takes a header. Oh. Yeah. Window or aisle. Window. And I do not feel any guilt when I get up and make that person feel bad. To go to the bathroom. Yeah, yeah. They should have gotten the window seat. Yep. Favored smell. Um... I would probably say bacon. Bacon. That's good. Yeah, it's good. It's pretty perfect, right? Do you know there's something like bacon that says, like, you know, uncured or cured? Like, it all tastes the same. What's an uncured versus a cured bacon? I think it's, I mean, I think we're now in this day and age where we're having an awakening to all the poisons in our food thanks to RFK Jr. So I think that... I mean, maybe I'm a little bit more open to it about... To the poisons? No, to, like, getting some of those uncured things out. I think it's better for you if it's uncured, right? If it's uncured. But how about a... Uncured means, like, unvaccinated? Because they didn't cure it? No, I think it's... No, I think that it's... This pig died of COVID. Well, we know that, like, what a cured meat is really bad for you, right? Just salt, right? Isn't that just cure? I don't want to. You know, I tell diarrhea jokes for a living. I mean, but, no, there is something about... I just think the most interesting fact about bacon... What is the most... Hold on, Mr. Gentleman. Hold on. What is the most interesting fact about bacon, Jim? Every Union soldier was given a ration of bacon. I think. That's what happens when you don't read and you just get informed by Instagram reels. Yeah. At least favorite smell. You know, I love my teenagers, but, like, some of the odors that come out of children, particularly teenage boys, is unbelievable. Yeah. Well, gamey. Unbelievable. And they just... Not only does it smell bad, they think it's funny. That's the problem. It's funny, though, is the problem. That is funny. Yeah. Earliest memory. Gosh. You know, I was one of these kids... There was... I was the youngest of six, and I remember there was a bunch of times where drinks were spilled on me when I was a little kid. Wait a second. You mean, like, milk? Or like a... Unintentionally, like a... Harvey Wohlbanger. A lot of... Cokes, a tray of milk, you know. It just happened three or four times, but I would be like four or five, and there would be like this. You know, maybe one of my brothers had hit the waiter, and these drinks would fall on me. So that's what I really remember. I remember drinks falling on me. Which is really a metaphor for my life, right? Cats or dogs? I love both, but dogs... Oh, dogs. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. You don't have to listen to it constantly, but when you go to listen to music, this is the only song you get. What is it? I am going to... My children hate that... I love sad songs. I love... And there's this song, this... It's based on an Irish poem called Raglan Road. It's essentially about unrequited love, and so... But I love it. I love sad songs. So, and I can listen to that, and when we drive back and forth from Westchester, I play it, and they really despise it. So that's... If you like really sad songs, have you ever listened to any Mountain Goats? No. Oh. Sax Romer, number one. There's a line that goes, And a rabbit gives up somewhere, and a dozen hawks descend. Oh, wow. Every moment leads toward its own sad end. Well, you know about the Portuguese, that like the Portuguese... I know very little about the Portuguese. Well, the Portuguese... Other than all the octopus. The Portuguese have... There's, I wish, a sonata, or I can't remember the term, but like the sad song is such a cultural, important event in Portuguese culture that there will be a... There are restaurants you will go to, and people will come in and sing these sad songs because the Portuguese were such explorers. So like everyone would lose their wife or their husband. They'd go on a boat trip and they'd disappear. But it's a big tradition of sad songs, and I wish I knew the name of the thing. But... Oh. Do you know what I'm talking about? Fado. Fado. Fado. Amazing stuff. What is the song? Oh, my song? Raglan Road. Raglan Road, okay. Yes. And it's a poem by Patrick Kavanaugh. Do you know it? Um, well, yeah, but... Would you mind giving us a taste? You know, I mean on Rag... No, I can't do that. I'm not... I appreciate it. You know... See, let me explain something. There are some comedians that want to be musicians. I'm not one of them. Yeah. Which can receive the... On Raglan Road, I saw her standing there, and now I'm too nervous to even think of the words. Okay. But it is... I mean, go to your Spotify and check it out. And if you spend time in Ireland, they might play it in a pub. It's pretty popular. I love how sad the Irish get. It's wonderful. Yeah. How much they enjoy the sadness. They do? Yeah. Yeah. What number am I thinking of? Five. No. You always say no. Well, it's no. You're wrong. You're wrong, okay. Oh, because you're not... It's one to ten, but it's... No, I am thinking of a number. Describe the rest of your life in five words. Nobody works harder than Gaffigan. Congratulations, Jim. Thank you. You're known. I'm known. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to the Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives. From the trusted team behind 48 Hours, welcome to Case by Case, your weekly update on the biggest true crime stories unfolding right now. Nick Ryder remains in custody without bail. Luigi Mangione accused of stalking and gunning down United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson. From high-profile trials and stunning evidence to major breaks in cold cases, we'll follow it all, Case by Case. Follow and listen to 48 Hours, Case by Case, wherever you get your podcasts.
