Why You Click With Some People & How to Pursue Anything with Excellence

Today on something you should know, how your cell phone can cause a big problem just by sitting there. Then the science behind why you just click with some people but not others. There are things that can make you less likely to click. You cannot experience synchrony virtually. If you're not in another person's physical presence, you really can't experience synchrony to its fullest and richest extent. Also, when you have extra money, what do you tend to spend it on? And what it means to pursue something with true excellence. It means a couple of things, Mike. The first thing that it means is that you have to be okay with making yourself vulnerable in risking failure. So it's one thing to say you're going to give something you're all. It's another thing to actually put yourself in the arena and make yourself vulnerable in risk failure. All this today on something you should know. Ready to launch your business? Get started with the commerce platform made for entrepreneurs. 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Even if you never touch your phone, just having it on the table changes how people see you. Research shows that people come across as less sincere, less engaged and less trustworthy when a phone is visible. And the weird part is nobody can really explain why they just feel it. Psychologists say it's because a phone on the table sends a quiet signal that this conversation could be interrupted at any moment. And once that idea is in the room, the connection never quite gets off the ground. So if you want someone to feel like they have your full attention, whether you're trying to build trust, make a good impression, or just have a better conversation. Don't just silence your phone, remove it from sight. It's a small move, but it instantly makes you seem more present, more likeable, and more dialed in. Which in a world where everybody is half distracted all the time is a huge advantage to you. And that is something you should know. There is this magical moment, and I know you've experienced this probably several times, and that experience is this. You meet someone, you talk to them for a little while, and somehow you just click. Instant chemistry, like you were meant to be. Not just in romantic relationships, but in friendships, or as work colleagues too. There's just something about when the two of you are together, you're in sync. And it can all be summed up with the phrase, we just clicked. But what does it mean to click? Why do we click with some people and not others? Is it just chance that two people click or can you make it happen? And what if you feel like you click with someone, but they don't feel the same? All of this and more is about to be discussed with my guest, Kate Murphy. She's a journalist who is written for the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, and other publications. And she's author of a book called Why We Click, the Emerging Science of Interpersonal Synchronic. Hey, Kate, welcome to something you should know. Well, thank you so much. Happy to be here. So from your point of view as somebody who has studied this, what does it mean to click? What is going on? Well, it's that feeling of resonance, and it can be romantic, it can be platonic, but it's when you meet someone, and it's that instant feeling of ease and attraction, and the conversation is effortless, and you just feel connected. But is it just a magical moment, and that's the end of it? Or is there some science here that can explain why you click with this person, but not maybe not that person? Well, this is something that writers, poets, philosophers have been trying to wrap their heads around for centuries. But it's only recently that scientists have started to wonder what causes that feeling. What is it? Is it pure magic and mystery? But is there something that's identifiable as to what's happening within us when we feel that? Because it is almost physical. When you have that connection, that click, it's almost a whole body experience. And because of advances in technology, they have come to realize that not only do when we have these moments of feeling like we're clicking with someone, not only do we start to mirror one another's facial expressions, postures, and gestures, it's also uncannily we start to sync up our respiration, our heart rate, our pupil dilation, and our hormonal activity. So there's a lot, it's actually measurable. You can see that moment. And when we have these meaningful conversations and have shared experiences, there's also a related and associated syncing of neural patterns and brain waves. So you can actually see, now we can actually see that it's a whole neurophysiological phenomenon beyond just the emotional feelings that we have. Is part of the definition of clicking that it be instant, you know, like click, because I've had people in my life that I feel like I click with, but it wasn't instantaneous. It took a little time to develop, not a long time necessarily, but it wasn't instant. Well, that's the thing about clicking. And what they call it, what scientists call it is interpersonal synchrony. So just to throw that term out there. And generally we get a read on people within 30 seconds, less than 30 seconds. But we also move into an out of synchrony with people all the time. And so things can change within us, within the other person, the context, just the dynamics, what happened to you right before that instance, that can make us do later click, come to lock into one another. And a lot of it can have to do with just where we are physiologically, but it also can have to do with the context and shared experiences. We all know about, well, maybe we don't all know, but a lot of us have felt the sensation when you do synchronized activities with other people, like maybe singing at church or playing a game with people, walking with one another. That's another thing that scientists have found that not only do we sink internally, but also when we externally sink with other people. Like when we're dancing, marching, even finger tapping at the same time, they've shown in experiences, makes people feel a sense of affinity, rapport, they share more personal information, and they're more likely to be kind and helpful. Even babies strapped into face-forward carriers and bounced in sync with an experimenter. They're much more likely to prefer that experimenter versus an experimenter who is not bouncing in sync with them or who's not bouncing at all. So there are all these factors that can come into whether or not you sink with someone. So like you say, maybe later, when you say maybe they grew on you, maybe you all fell into synchrony later because of your association, because of those conversations that you had that helped you have that neural alignment. But a lot of times, just in the moment, it happens very quickly when you get a read of someone. And it can also go the other way where you have that immediate experience of like, oh, you just, the person is off-putting for whatever reason. It's just they're not a good fit. And again, at that moment, at that moment, could change later. Yeah, but it seems like you could have the same experiences with one person and the same as you do with another person and click with one and not click with another. And as you say, there could be a lot of reasons for that. But when you take away those things like you're playing a game together or you're doing activities together, there still has to be something about that person that seems really hard to put your finger on that is causing you to click with that one and not that one. Absolutely. No, no, that's absolutely true. And it's really, it's sort of multimodal syncing is because I've already talked about it's not only these physical things that we do together. It's also all these under the hood things that are happening, the respiration, the heart rate, and a lot of things that can't even measure yet. But we have this instinct to sync with another person. We like to connect. That's what feels good. But there is a special alchemy when you think about all the unlikely friendships and romantic pairings where you think, oh, I never would have put those two together. Well, they likely wouldn't have either. There is a special alchemy between two people, between their bodily oscillations. I mean, we're made up of trillions of cells. The way I like to think about it is that we're all kind of like these walking symphony orchestras. And we have all of these instruments playing at different frequencies and different amplitudes. And when we meet another person, they have their whole orchestra playing as well. And the other people may recognize or appreciate the tune you're playing are just a certain couple of few instruments in your orchestra. And you can sync on certain levels, but not in others. And there's some where you can just join in and harmony altogether. So it really, it just depends on where you are in your life as well as those underlying ineffable factors that causes you to be in tune, to click, to be in harmony. I love all these turns of phrase that people have been saying, you know, since well before anybody thought to measure why it was true, but things like in-step, in-tune, in harmony. On the same wavelength, clicking, it's all actually true on all these subconscious and autonomic levels. But clicking is a two way street, right? You could be very attracted to someone who has no use for you. I mean, it's just, it's a one way click. I don't think there's such a thing as a one way click. And in fact, there really isn't. You can learn to and want to and hope for. And but you haven't clicked with that person. It is, it has to be mutual. Because that, that's the feeling that is really so rewarding and uplifting and really makes you feel that sense of connection. Haven't you ever been in a relationship with someone, or in a meeting with someone who you thought, wow, this person's really great. But it turned out not to be reciprocal. That they, they, they didn't feel the same thing you did. And so therefore nothing goes anywhere. Exactly. You just didn't click. All right. So I'm in the pre-click stage when I'm doing that. You're earning for it. And I mean, we all want that. We all want to be liked and we want that sense of connection. But you know, try as you might, you can't make yourself love someone. And also by the same virtue, you can't make yourself not love someone. So you know, once you've reached that moment of when you have clicked with someone, you, you can't really undo it. And by the, like, the same token of the things that you're talking about where you want to, you wish you would. But sometimes you're just not a good fit. And that's okay. We're talking about those special times, those special people in life where you just click. And my guest is Kate Murphy, author of the book Why We Click? Uh, the Regency era. You might know it as the time when Bridgeton takes place. Where's the time when Jane Austen wrote her books. The Regency era was also an explosive time of social change, sex scandals, and maybe the worst king in British history. Your history's new season is all about the Regency era, the balls, the gowns, and all the scandal. Listen to vulgar history, Regency era, wherever you get podcasts. If Bravo drama pop culture chaos and honest takes our your love language, you'll want all about tear H podcast in your feed hosted by Roxanne and Chantal. This show breaks down real housewives reality TV and the moments everyone's group chat is arguing about. Roxanne's been spilling Bravo T since 2010 and yes, we've interviewed housewives royalty like Countess Lewand and Teresa Judais smart recaps inside our energy and zero fluff. Listen to all about tear H podcast on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen new episodes weekly. So Kate, knowing what you know and now that science is looking into why people click and how they click, are there things you can do to nudge it along or it either happens or it doesn't? I think a lot of it either happens or it doesn't happen. It's that peculiar alchemy, but I will say that you can make yourself more receptive to it and make yourself more available to it happening. And like I mentioned, doing these synchronized activities, I mean, when you think back to Aristotle and the parapetetics, I mean, there was a reason why he lectured these students while walking around the grounds or why Steve Jobs always invited people he wanted to influence to walk around with him. So there is something about synchronized activities, line dancing, singing where people just naturally it makes them more available and makes people more likely to develop affinities for one another. It's the thought that because you are sinking on certain levels, it makes you more likely to sink on those deeper levels. So there's that. There's also being really engaged with other people, being really curious and being open and allowing it to happen, to give yourself over to the various signals that we can measure and also can't measure that may be coming from the other person. So it's really making yourself actually just be a good listener, asking questions and really allowing yourself to get on the other person's wavelength. So you know, though at the end of the day, it's really that peculiar alchemy between you and another person, you can make yourself, you know, almost like put up your antenna, make sure that you're available and that you really are paying attention to the other person and allowing them in. Are there people, I'm really curious about this, are there people who tend to sync up, who tend to click with a lot of other people or find themselves in positions where lots of people yearn to click with them? There's something about their charisma or their charm that makes them more clickable than others. Yeah, charisma is the right word. And yes, there are people that just, they tend to have this magnetism and they tend to actually be able to get people to sync to them, to get on their wavelength. They're not necessarily trying, it's not sort of a mutuality, it's more people are joining their wavelength and clicking with them. They're able to draw people in and there are people like that that may become politicians, they may become preachers where they have this ability to really inspire and bring people along with the things that they're thinking and they may be better at syncing, because I talk about that, because there's a difference between syncing with a crowd versus syncing with an individual, reading a room versus reading another person. And so there are different abilities in that sense of being able to, because there, as we, I mean, I think most people have been walked into maybe a party or a performance where you can totally read the crowd. It's not like you're reading each individual, but you're reading the room, the energy in the room. And so some people who have that kind of charisma are mostly better able to deal with large crowds or to do like quick sample syncs with other people, but perhaps aren't able to have sustained synchronies with individuals. You know, as we're talking, it occurred to me, as interesting as this is, on some level, I kind of don't want to hear this. I mean, I don't want to know. I don't want to look too closely, because there does seem to be some magic to clicking. And sometimes you don't want to know, you know, how the magic trick is performed. I just like the magic to be the magic. That's one thing I love about this is that it is so peculiar to the two individuals and what they bring, whether it's their history, because if you think about it, our whole we embody everything that's happened to us. You know, without us knowing it, it's in every twitch and neural oscillation within us and compasses who we are. And other people somehow, some way, pick up on that and sync with us or not. And so there is really some magic to it. Commonalities can help, but not necessarily. There's still that mystery and magic to it. The thing I love about this is that you can actually see it happening and realizing how much we are almost like tuning forks, roaming the planet, looking for resonance and finding it or not with other people and moving into it and out of it with other people. And that's what essentially makes up our social lives. Is there any, has there ever been a survey done or has everybody clicked with somebody sometime more or less, I mean, not everybody, but is it a fairly common experience or is it a fairly uncommon experience? It's a fairly common experience for most people, but there are things that can make you less likely to click. The research clearly shows that people who have autism are ADHD. That can interfere with synchrony. It's not that you can't click with people, but it makes it a lot harder. Also some psychological disorders, like depression and anxiety and narcissism, can make it more difficult to click with people. So I won't say that I would hope most people do or experience clicking. And when you aren't clicking with people, that's when you have things like loneliness and what we call this loneliness epidemic. And a lot of that also has to do with because you cannot experience synchrony virtually. Because as we've discussed, it is a multimodal phenomenon. It encompasses more senses than the five we take for granted. And so if you're not in another person's physical presence, you really can't experience synchrony to its fullest and richest extent. And by the way, eye contact is really very important. And the research also shows that when people aren't looking at each other, whether they're backs are turned to each other or they're looking at a phone, they're much less likely, and also it's pretty hard to develop any type of synchrony. So I think people are really who are just relying on virtual relationships. You can, to some degree, feel like you've experienced some degree of synchrony, but then often, as often happens in online dating, when people meet face to face, they're sorely disappointed because they're just not feeling it. It's just the click does not happen. Well, that seems to explain so much right there that you just can't, you can't click with somebody if you're not physically in the same room with them. I mean, it doesn't seem like it would even be possible. And yet people seem to be more distant from others because of phones and things that we don't connect with people. And, you know, if you don't, if you don't connect, you can't sync. You can't click and boy, that is cool. And even when you're in the same room to really be present and notice it because you have to be aware of notice to be able to have that moment of connection, of clicking with another person. And you bring up another point that when we were talking about those commonalities of experience, we have so few of those now, if you think about it. We're not going to the same movies in a movie theater anymore. We're not getting our news from the same sources. We're kind of in our own little curated bubbles of what we're paying attention to. And so when we do come together, there are fewer commonalities, fewer starting points, fewer common neural patterns that we can sync up to and latch onto. And it's not to say we can't eventually, but that clicking, it takes more work to get a read on the other person and to try and understand where they're coming from. Well, as we've been talking, I've been reminiscing as well about the people and the times that I've clicked with someone. And I guess partly it's because it is rare. It doesn't happen a lot, but it happens often enough that you remember how magical it is. And I really enjoy hearing you explain the science behind how it happens and why it happens. I've been talking with Kate Murphy. She's a journalist and author of the book Why We Click? The Emerging Science of Interpersonal Synchrony. There's a link to her book in the show notes and Kate, great, thanks. Thanks for coming on. Have a great day. Thank you, Mike. Same to you. Hey, it's Hillary Frank from The Longest Shortest Time, an award-winning podcast about parenthood and reproductive health. We talk about things like sex, ed, birth control, pregnancy, bodily autonomy, and of course, kids of all ages. But you don't have to be a parent to listen. If you like surprising, funny, poignant stories about human relationships and periods, the longest shortest time is for you. Find us in any podcast app or at longashortistime.com. There's a word that comes up a lot when people talk about their careers and their goals and their lives. And the word is excellence. But on the surface, well, it sounds really good. Who's against excellence? But I've started wondering if we're actually confusing ourselves with that idea. Do you really need to be excellent at everything you do? And what does excellence even mean anymore? Because these days, it feels like we're all expected to crush it at work, optimize our health, be amazing partners, great parents, perfectly balanced humans, all at the same time. If that's excellence, that's exhausting. According to my guest, a lot of what we chase in the name of excellence isn't excellence at all. It's what he calls pseudoexcellent. It looks impressive from the outside, but it doesn't actually lead to satisfaction, meaning, or sustained success. Brad Stolberg studies this for a living. He coaches people on performance, well-being, and what he calls sustainable excellence. The kind that actually holds up over time instead of burning you out. He's also the author of the book, The Way of Excellence, a guide to true greatness and deep satisfaction in a chaotic world. I, Brad, welcome. Like, it's great to be back. Thanks for having me. So first, help us understand what excellence is and what excellence isn't. I think that there is a lot of confusion between what I call pseudoexcellent and actual excellence. So pseudoexcellent is so much of what you see on social media where folks think that they need to be perfected everything. They need to wake up at 4 in the morning. They need to have a 37-step routine in a super restrictive diet and take a cold plunge four times a day and on and on and on. The question there is, what's it all for? What's the 37-step routine serving? What's the cold plunge doing? Are you just doing hard things for the sake of doing hard things? That to me is pseudoexcellent. I think genuine excellence is, again, when the mountain that you're climbing is one that you chose because it aligns with your values and it's one that you genuinely want to climb. And the reason that I think that, yes, this is for everyone. That's not just for elite athletes or master chefs or Grammy-winning musicians, is because so many people that I spoke with in the reporting process said that they have a sense of longing in their lives and kind of a sense of going through the motions and almost numbness. And when you pursue excellence, when you are serious about an activity, when that activity becomes a craft, one of the greatest rewards that you'll ever get from it, more than any medal or any income or any promotion, is a sense of satisfaction that you've gained skill and you've gained competence. A lot of the things, though, that people have to do, and maybe in the big picture they have to, they're things they want to do, but the day-to-day stuff isn't stuff I love to do. I have to pay the bills. I have to do. These aren't things that seem to require excellence or do they? I think that the answer here is it depends. Some of us are really fortunate to have a livelihood that very much aligns with our values where we can pursue excellence and mastery in our work. Some of us don't, and that's totally okay. I think another big misconception is that excellence is just a pursuit that is professional. So if you don't like your job, well, then you're never going to have an opportunity to have excellence in your life. Especially in America, I think that we often ask people, like, what do you do? We over-identify with our work. And for some people, work is just that. It's a way to pay the bills. It's a way to open yourselves up to other leisure pursuits. But that's where you get to pursue excellence, right? Like you can pursue excellence as a musician. You can do it as a baker. You can do it as an athlete. And it's not a standard, right? It's not saying that you need to be world-class. It's the way that you approach the craft. You approach it with focus. You approach it with dedication, with commitment, with consistency, and you get better over time. I think the way that I train in the gym, for example, is very much aligned with this kind of excellence. Am I ever going to win an Olympic medal for powerlifting? Of course not. But I take it seriously. I make progress. I give it my all. And not only am I working towards that goal of lifting more weight, but that goal of lifting more weight is also working on me. It's shaping me as a person. And none of this is related to my day job. So talk about doing this in a real way and maybe comparing it to somebody who doesn't do it in an excellent way. But just moment by moment, day to day, how is it different to do something with excellence versus not? I mean, it's one thing to talk about, well, you give it your all and you do the best. But what does that mean? It means a couple of things, Mike. The first thing that it means is that you have to be okay with making yourself vulnerable in risking failure. Just about everybody can remember there were kids back in high school that were too cool to try, right? They phoned it in in gym class. They sat in the back row. They never tried in music and they did it because they were way too cool. But the truth is they weren't too cool. What they were is they were insecure and they were scared to fail. So instead of giving something they're all and making themselves vulnerable to failure, they just never tried. And I think so many adults have yet to outgrow this tendency. So it's one thing to say that you care. It's one thing to say you're going to give something you're all. It's another thing to actually put yourself in the arena and make yourself vulnerable and risk failure. And you don't get excellence unless you're willing to do the latter. So that's the first thing. The second thing is really approaching what you do with an intentionality and a focus around it. So excellence is the opposite of going through the motions. You want to be extremely present for what you're doing. And in the modern world that often means that you have to design your environment to help you become more present. Depending on what your activity is, it might mean leaving the phone behind. It might mean trying to select certain people to do it with. It might mean having a 10 minute prep session where you get into the right headspace to approach your craft. But it really demands a level of intention and focus that feels different than just the going through the motions of everyday life. And then I think the third factor that is really important is consistency. So it's less about a commitment to intensity and it's more about a commitment to consistency and just showing up again and again over time. And as you do that, the relationship that you forge, not only with your activity but also with yourself, becomes that intrinsic reward that keeps you coming back. But don't you ever have days where you just go through the motions that I just don't have it today and it's okay. Oh, absolutely. To deny that is really to deny our humanity. You know, we're not optimized robots. We're people doing the best we can in a chaotic world. I think there the practice becomes how do you try to stop a bad day from becoming a bad week? And then when you have a bad week, how do you try to stop a bad week from becoming a bad month? There's this concept that I think is so important and it's called raising the floor. And oftentimes we think about, well, how can we make our great days better? We all index on our best days. But the truth is we don't often control when our best days are going to happen. For all that we know about human performance, there's a lot of magic to it. But what we don't think about nearly as much as our bad days and how can we make our bad days just a little bit better? Or as I was saying earlier, how can we ensure that one bad day doesn't ruin the rest of our week? And I think that all that is part of the practice too. So yes, it's a long way to answer to your original question. We are absolutely going to have bad days every one does. But then the practice becomes well, how can you get curious about why you had that bad day and how can you try to short circuit it from ruining the rest of your week? So help me understand how to raise that floor. How do you make a bad day not so bad? I think it's just about being in the moment, acknowledging that all right, it's just not there today. So in the moment, what you can do is you can tell yourself, all right, I'm acknowledging that it's just not there today. I don't feel my best. What's the best I have to give today? So it's quickly acknowledging what's happening, not denying it, not resisting it, not trying to power through and then adjusting your expectations for what you have to give, giving it and then not beating yourself up after it. Because what happens when you beat yourself up is then you get into this guilt and the shame spiral and that's when a bad day becomes a bad week. Whereas if you can just say, all right, it wasn't there today. I adjusted. I gave it my best shot. I'm going to rest. I'm going to recover. I'm going to sleep and we'll see what happens again tomorrow. Do you have to enjoy the activity to be good at it, to be excellent at it? Because the gyms are good example because I go to the gym a lot. I don't like going. I like the feeling of leaving. The feeling you get after it's over. But going there, it's just become a habit that I feel worse if I don't go than if I do so I have to go. But I don't love the experience. I do it. I keep track and all that. But you know what I mean? Yeah. What I would say is that you're going to the gym for probably a different reason. I guess as you're going to the gym because you value your health, you probably value your cognitive health because your brain is your greatest asset and you've got a really good one on your head and inside your skull. You're probably not pursuing excellence in the gym. I would turn that around though Mike and say, what about when you podcast and when you're in the pocket of just recording a really good episode or a good string of episodes or where you feel like the last month, you've just been putting out bangers. My guess is that you enjoy that a lot more. And this is the area of your life where you're excellent and where you're pursuing excellence. And that's okay. It's unrealistic to try to be excellent at everything because you're not going to be excellent at everything. But in order to really be great at something, yes, you have to enjoy it. And I think this is another one of these misnomer's with pseudo excellence. You have all these guys on the internet and they run around pretending to be Navy SEALS talking about how great they are at suffering and how hard everything is. Guess what? No elite athlete, no elite artist, no great writer hates writing or doing sports or making art. They might find it really challenging. They might find it very hard. They might have bad days, but the totality of the experience, of course, they like it. Because if you don't enjoy what you do, if you don't have fun, then you're not going to last very long. There's this enormous misnomer that intensity, enjoy are separate in their opposites. But what I found in my reporting and my research is that actually intensity and joy can often coexist. Like you can bring your all and be really intense about something and have a great time doing it. And when you have that combination, that's when really good things happen to happen. Do you bring this to everything you do that you enjoy? I mean, if you're going to scramble an egg, are you this intense about it or this is for a few select things in your life? It's got to be for a few select things. I think fit, as I was saying, if you try to bring this to everything, like you're just going to burn yourself out and you're probably not going to enjoy or be very excellent at any of the things. So I think this is for one or most two things in your life. So a lot of people have a primary craft and then maybe there's a secondary craft. So in my own life, I bring this most to writing. That's my craft. I'm very lucky. It's also my profession. I try to train with this mindset most of the time, but certainly not all the time because it's secondary. There are times when I'm on the gym and I'm checking my email in between sets because it's not my job and that's okay. If I tried to do this when I was scrambling an egg, I think I'd be miserable and burnt out all the time. And then there are things in life that we should just enjoy for their own sake. You know, I'm not trying to be excellent at watching Netflix. Sometimes I watch Netflix just because I like it. So I am not arguing that we should be perfectionist and we should be these type A buttoned up pushers in every domain of life. What I'm arguing is that we should pick one or two activities that we do enjoy and that we want to push ourselves in. Not just because we're excited about the results, but because we think that the person we're going to become along the way is aligned with our values and we should bring this orientation to those select activities. What is that when you say it, you know, there is a benefit to that? What does that look like? I mean, is it a feeling? What is it? I think that it is a connection to yourself in a feeling of deep satisfaction and fulfillment. And without getting too philosophical, I think that one of the biggest challenges or problems of modern life is alienation. An alienation is just a fancy way of saying we feel a disconnect from each other. We feel a disconnect from ourselves and sometimes we feel a disconnect from our own lives. We're going through the motions. We're constantly distracted. I think that when you pursue excellence, you get really close to a craft. You get intimate with it. It requires deep focus. You get competence. You get mastery. And not only do you get to learn that craft in a deep way, but you also get to learn about yourself. And I think that that intrinsic reward is really the whole point of the entire endeavor. And is this a good way to determine if you're maybe not so good at something? If you give something, you're all and you're not happy with the results, maybe this isn't you. Yeah, that's right. And it's totally okay to quit. There's a lot of talk about grit. And grit is really important. It's passionate. And it's a great experience to stick to it and you absolutely need grit. But you also need fit. And fit means that the activity that you're doing is one that you have some natural ability for, that your temperament is suited towards and that you enjoy. And if you don't have fit, then it makes no sense to lean into grit. What you need to do is quit. So all these words rhyme, which is nice, but it's not just soft and fluffy. This is a real important concept. It makes sense to try a bunch of things to quit early and often until you find an activity where the fit is there, where you like it. And even when it's hard, you know, you find satisfaction in doing the hard thing. And at that point, you want to lock in and you want to have stick to it in this grit and persevere. I know this in my own life. If I think back to my schooling, I was not at all gritty in math and science. I quit math and science pretty early. I was not very good at them and I didn't like it. I was a very gritty writer. Why? Because I had some natural talent and I was good at it. So I think it's important to know ourselves to the extent we can and try to be discerning about when are we going to lean in and really buckle up and bear down versus what are we actually going to quit and try something else that we might enjoy more and we might be better at and we might learn more from. There's a perception I think people have that to be excellent, you have to be really intense and give 110% all the time to be excellent at something. And it seems impossible and I can use myself as an example. I mean, I've been doing this podcast for almost 10 years now and I think I try to bring a lot of excellence to what I do. But it isn't like it used to be in the beginning where I was like so intense because I didn't know really what I was doing and I was trying everything and being very intentional and intense about it. I'm much less intense and more relaxed now but I still think I'm doing it as excellent a job as I can. Intensity doesn't mean any given moment or any given day. I think it's the totality of the work. It's the body of work. So when you zoom out and you say let's look at the last decade of your work, I'd say it's been a pretty intense effort. It's definitely been a consistent effort. The body of work is heroic. Are you going to feel like you're heroic today tomorrow the next day? No, probably not. And that's actually for good reason because if you brought that level of energy every single day, you probably wouldn't be able to stay consistent. I think that people make these two mistakes around intensity. The first is again, the intensity and joy can't coexist and that's just not true. The second is I think people often overrate intensity because they see the all-nighter. They see the person who works out till they puke and they think like that's awesome. That feels so good to just really give it your all and they underrate consistency. And consistency is the showing up day in and day out and actually showing some restraint because if you push way too hard, then you're never going to be able to get back and do it again for a long period of time. So you say that focus is very important for excellence. You must focus. But what does that mean? What does it mean to focus? All right. So focus in today's world to me, it's really actually quite simple. Simple doesn't mean easy, but it's simple and it is just removing all the attention vampires in perpetual distraction devices that we otherwise surround ourselves with. So turning off your email client, putting your phone in another room, turning off the television if it's on really digital devices in particular. Like these are the attention vampires. They just suck away our attention. And when we want to do meaningful, focused work, we need to remove these things. Like willpower is never going to be enough. I know you've had prior guests who have pointed this out that the way that these devices are designed, it's just way too strong and willpower is not enough. So what we have to do is we have to say, all right, when I sit down to write, that's important for the next hour and a half. I want to be really focused. So that means that my phone is going to be charging in the basement. It's not even going to be on the same floor as me. And I'm going to turn off my email client. I'm not going to minimize it. So I see a little male icon pop up and then have to resist checking it. I'm actually going to hit the X and quit the program for an hour and a half. So I think that we need to think about designing our environment to enable us to focus. And then focus to me is just the absence of distraction. And again, it's simple, but simple does not mean easy, especially in today's world. From talking with people, what does it you think is the toughest part of this, of really grabbing something and going forward and being excellent at it? The initial resistance it takes to get started with something, especially when you're novice and you're not too good in facing that initial resistance and expecting that the first couple of weeks or the first month of a commitment to excellence and anything is going to feel pretty hard and challenging and it times uncomfortable. You are going to make yourself vulnerable to looking stupid or to failing. Once you get through that initial resistance, then I think that the satisfaction, which is a word I keep using because that's the big reward, the satisfaction of trying really hard, getting intimate with a craft, making progress is so great that it keeps you coming back. But it's the initial resistance. It's the hey, like you said, I work a job. I'm an accountant at a big firm. I don't really care about being excellent at that. I think I'm good. Well, respected. I pay the bills. I pay rents. But man, I haven't played guitar since I was in high school. It's going to be hard to pick it back up. I'm not going to be as good. It's all of that that we just have to get over and throw ourselves into a craft. Otherwise our leisure time is just going to be filled with scrolling TikTok and that doesn't make for a very fulfilling life. Ever since that book came out, I don't know, decades ago, in search of excellence, it's become such a buzz word. You've got to bring excellence to everything. I think it's important to understand what that really means and the difference between excellence and pseudo excellence. I appreciate your explanation. I've been talking with Brad Stullberg. The name of his book is The Way of Excellence, a guide to true greatness and deep satisfaction in a chaotic world. There's a link to his book at Amazon in the show notes. I appreciate you coming. Thanks Brad. All right. I appreciate you. Money can buy happiness, really depends on what you spend it on. Scientists at the University of British Columbia gave people some hypothetical choices like, would you rather have an expensive apartment close to work or an inexpensive apartment but a longer commute? Would you prefer a high-paying job with longer hours or a smaller paycheck but more free time? In addition, one group of participants was given an actual real choice between $50 cash and a $120 house cleaning voucher. The people in all these cases, the people who were willing to give up the money in favor of more time, a shorter commute, fewer hours, fewer chores, they were happier according to the researchers. Why? Because leisure time lets you do fun things. Even if you have a million dollars, what good is all that money if you have no time to enjoy it? It's painfully obvious though that many of us make the opposite choice, prioritizing money over time. You spend your weekends mowing the lawn and cleaning gutters rather than hiring a handyman or a landscaping service. You take the indirect flight to save $200 but at the expense of six hours of your life. So it's worth remembering what really makes you happy when you create your budget. Maybe you can spend less on material things to free up money for services that make your life easier. And that is something you should know. You know, a rating and review would be particularly helpful. They help in a couple of ways. They let other people know what you think of this podcast and it raises our visibility. It just helps in a lot of ways and it only takes a moment to leave a rating and review on whatever platform you're listening on. Five-star ratings are particularly welcome. I'm Mike, her brothers thanks for listening today to something you should know. Hey, it's Hillary Frank from The Longest Shortest Time, an award-winning podcast about parenthood and reproductive health. There is so much going on right now in the world of reproductive health and we're covering it all. Birth control, pregnancy, gender, bodily autonomy, menopause, consent, sperm, so many stories about sperm, and of course the joys and absurdities of raising kids of all ages. If you're new to the show, check out an episode called The Staircase. It's a personal story of mine about trying to get my kids school to teach sex ed. Spoiler, I get it to happen, but not at all in the way that I wanted. We also talk to plenty of non-parents so you don't have to be a parent to listen. If you like surprising, funny, poignant stories about human relationships and periods, the Longest Shortest Time is for you. Find us in any podcast app or at longashortistime.com.