2026 Update: Tony

Pushkin. Hello. Hello. Who is this? Hi. This is Khalil Ahol, your producer. Well, hello. Hello. Nice to have you back in the studio. Welcome. Yeah, nice to be reunited in this auditory space. Yes, indeed it is. Have a seat, please. I'm already sitting, but thank you. Yes. We are going to revisit some favorite episodes this spring. Yes, I couldn't be more excited. Do I sound not excited at all, but yeah. You know, sometimes my enthusiasm doesn't come across and I'm always surprised. Yeah, same. Like in photos, I think that I'm smiling, but then when I see the photos, not only am I not smiling at all, it looks like I'm scowling. I have a really hard time showing enthusiasm too. I've noticed that often when I try to like really lean into enthusiasm in my voice, it sounds like I'm being sarcastic. Yeah, but I am excited and I'm going to prove to you. Yeah, me too. I'm going to prove to you my excitement and my enthusiasm as this conversation goes on. Okay, I look forward to that. Yes. Then we're going to also check in with our former guests because, you know, a lot of them have had some changes in the year since. Whereas stories end, lives continue. Well, lives do end eventually. Oh, God, thanks for bringing the whole thing down. I mean, it's everyone's thinking it. All right, anyway, who are we talking about today? So today we're going to revisit the episode, Jonathan, about your friend Tony from our very first season. I love it. It's been a long time. Yeah, that was my favorite episode that season. Something about it just really moved me. Again, it sounds like I'm being sarcastic, but I'm serious. I really liked it. No, no, I believe you. It's a personal favorite of mine because Tony's one of my best friends and he's an interesting man and his life beyond the story continued to be interesting and flow in all kinds of unexpected and original directions. So I was really excited to check in with him after we kind of, what's the thing that they do in movies? Like after the rap party of this episode. And actually speaking of rap parties. Yes. You want me to do some rapping? No, no, thank you. Okay. I have a fun little fun story from production. Oh, please. Which is that there's a part in this where one of Tony's godson says it's over for you, you old sausage. Yeah. When we celebrated the first season, I at the suggestion of Chris Neary, one of the producers on the first season. Went and got a cake and I asked them to put on its over you old sausage. I do remember this and I thank you. I thank you again for that. But if you had to do it all over again, if you were to make edits, might you say it's not over? You young sausage. It's still going you young sausage. So. Enjoy. Yeah. Enjoy. We'll check in with Tony at the end of the episode and not to over promise, but there's just a lot that's gone on in his life and a lot that continues to go on. Yes. But first things first, a word from our sponsors. This is an I Heart podcast. Guaranteed human. Hey guys, I'm Carl Radke. You may know me from Bravo's summer house. I'm launching a new podcast called More Life. I want to learn from folks who are doing the work and from friends who've inspired me along the way. We'll talk the good, bad and the ugly, but most importantly, the healing, reinvention and self discovery. I definitely don't have it all figured out, but none of us really do. That's why we're here. Listen to More Life on Spotify, YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts. New episodes are out now. Hey, I've got me outside. We have to leave it about 10 minutes. Hi. This is Kalilah from Gimlet Media. Please hold for Jonathan Goldstein. I'm sorry, who is this? Kalilah from Gimlet Media. Please hold for Jonathan Goldstein. Please hold. Please hold. Yeah. Wow. Hello. Hello. How nice of you to take the call from yourself. Oh, hey Jackie. You seem surprised that you called me. So nice to hear from you. I didn't call you. I didn't realize that I had you on my calendar, but this is great. How are you doing? It's been so busy. It's nice to like decompress and have a normal conversation. How's it going? From Gimlet Media, I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is Heavyweight. Today's episode, Tony. Paul, how are you? Very good. Thanks. I was wondering if you would be up for meeting me for an hour. Okay. Well, about? I was absent for most of your life and you know, I've always felt bad about it. Here's something you don't hear every day. A godfather awkwardly asking out his 31-year-old godson on a god date. I know you're busy. I know you're busy at life now, father of two and... But if you can spare an hour, Monday or Tuesday night, you know, I'll bring you... Unfortunately, a week in advance, not the... I don't know what else we're not. The godfather being blown off is my friend Tony. The realization that he needed to be a better godfather came suddenly. It was like if Vito Corleone woke up one morning and thought, you know, godfathering should be more than just decapitating horses. And then picked up a rotary phone and asked Johnny Fontaine out on an ice cream date. But to explain how Tony got to this point, let's go back to the beginning. It all started when Tony and I were catching up. And regarding work, how is that going? Good. It's really great. I'm actually enjoying the process of making this film, which is I think the really amazing thing about the past year. This past year has been a hard one for Tony. He's recently divorced and still adjusting. The house that has been settled. Yeah, everything is settled. Everything is settled. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I first met Tony in college when he was a young film student with manic energy, Jean-Charlotte Curly black hair, and gray clothes that always smelled of Greek food. After college, we became roommates and on the weekend, his mother would visit. She referred to me as Gatso melis mano ebreyaki, which I think translates loosely as the alley cat haired little Jew. But I didn't mind because whenever she showed up, she brought home mates Benacopita and Terra Musillada. Tony would wash down these Grecian delights with copious amounts of booze. Pretty soon, he started washing everything down with booze. There's an image from that time that stuck with me. Tony had decided to join me at the gym after downing a half bottle of vodka. I remember him wailing on the heavy bag in his undershirt and gray jeans, looking a little like a kid pounding on the floor, fed up with everything. Eventually, Tony turned to harder drugs like heroin. And soon after that, we stopped being roommates. Tony went to rehab, and after he got out, spent some years putting his life back together. He had a few relationships, and then he met Natalie. Natalie was smart and loved to write, and when Tony hugged her, she disappeared into his body. Tony's a big guy with a thick black beard covering his boyish face, and Natalie was apple-cheeked and glamorous. I like being around them. One time, while walking by a curiosity shop, I saw a comically small ping-pong table in the window. Immediately, I thought of Tony and Natalie. I imagined the two of them in their kitchen smacking the little ball back and forth together and laughing. During their wedding vows, Natalie said, I vow to grow old with you, but most of all, to grow young with you. And Tony interrupted her, right in the middle, eyes welling up to say, Me too. It was like he'd blown his youth, but was getting another chance. But then, at some point around three years in, things started to get tougher. Tony spent a lot of time locked in his studio, working obsessively on his movies, and Natalie started to feel hamstrung by Montreal. Its smallness, the lack of opportunities. They wanted a baby, but were having a hard time with it. And then, Tony's dad died, making him the sole caretaker of his mother, a woman who didn't shy away from espousing strong opinions about her son's personal life. All of this was hard on him and Natalie. She was not happy. She was not happy. She was not happy. She just didn't want to be here. Natalie wanted to start a new life in a new place, but Tony felt happily stuck in the old one, and he couldn't leave his mother all alone. So when Natalie decided to leave town, he knew he couldn't go with her. Was there ever a conversation in which you were both trying to envision a way in which you could leave the city? No, because there was no way. Like even with your mother to go with you? Why is that? No. Tony's mother is an 84-year-old Greek woman with little English, whose only hobbies are meticulously cleaning her toaster oven and wringing her hands while frowning. And so in here lies the heart of Tony's current problem. Before they separated, Tony and Natalie were trying to have a baby, and now he finds himself alone, middle-aged, and worried he's missed his last chance to have a kid. I don't think there's a point to anything if you don't have a relationship with a young person. How do you mean? If I sit here in the dark thinking about it and realizing I'm 46 years old and I live alone and I'm probably not going to have kids and who the fuck gives a shit if I live or die, aside from my mother and a few friends, but really who gives a shit? Who's going to feel a loss? I'm not saying that in a negatistical way, but who do I mean something to? Whose life have I enriched? I don't think, I don't understand what there is to do here if you're not somehow helping or being connected to a younger person. Lately Tony's been thinking about three young people he had been connected to. His estranged godchildren. Tony admits to screwing up those three relationships during three difficult chapters in his life. Drug addiction, rehab, and divorce. What if you were to try to get them back in your life? I'm not sure what difference I can make in somebody's... It's kind of like, hey, here I am, now I'm ready for you. I haven't been here all these years, but hey, here I am now. Hearing my friend give up on himself so easily, I decide to suggest something bold. Why not try reaching out to the godkids he lost now? I mean, I actually do want to have a relationship. I do. You don't know until you at least try, right? I'm open to anything. Do you have their phone numbers? I get him to tell me about them, beginning with the first. Paul. I was 16 years old. It was very formal. I held this kid in a Greek Orthodox baptism ceremony for an hour, my arm almost fell off. Babies are really heavy, especially when you have one arm to hold onto them and you have a candle in the other. But it was cute, you know, I was really young and I was close to their family. But I was 16. Within like two years, I was a raving lunatic alcoholic drug addict. What did you do when you were 16? I didn't see much of him or anybody at all from the family for quite a few years. And I didn't think about him much. That's for sure. And this God kid, what's his name? His name is Paul. And Paul would be about 30 years old now? Yeah, he's 31. And here's the thing, I've never actually talked to him about how he felt having an absentee Godfather. But he beat me at an arm wrestle on it. I think he really enjoyed that. And when you say enjoyed that, he enjoyed hanging out and spending time with you or he enjoyed beating you? He was beating me. For being such a crappy Godfather? That's what I'm saying. Is there a particular question that you would want to pose to him or to all of them? Do you hate me? Like, does it mean anything that I'm somebody's Godfather? Because I said so or somebody said so or we did something a long time ago. It can mean nothing or it can mean something. Godfather is a big fucking deal if you think about it. It has a spiritual implication, God, right? It's not toilet father. And so with my encouragement, Tony picked up the phone and reached out to Paul, which brings us back to the phone call you heard earlier. Want me to call you on Saturday? Yeah, I think that'll be easiest. Okay. Are you up to this? You don't feel like I don't want to impose on you like... Oh, no, I just... And you said, you know, you feel bad. I don't think you should. There's nothing to feel bad about. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, give me a call on the weekend and we'll try to figure something out. Okay, great. I'll call you. Perfect. All right, sounds good. Oh, thank you. All right, you too. Bye. On Saturday, Tony called. With no response, he reached out again and again. Eventually, he gave up. Tony and Paul never got together. Hey, guys, I'm Carl Radke. You may know me from Bravo's Summer House. I'm launching a new podcast called More Life. I want to learn from folks who are doing the work and from friends who've inspired me along the way. We'll talk the good, bad, and the ugly, but most importantly, the healing, reinvention, and self-discovery. I definitely don't have it all figured out, but none of us really do. That's why we're here. Listen to More Life on Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you listen to podcasts. New episodes are out now. Tony and I reconvened, and I tried to bolster his spirits. Maybe things would go better with Godchild II. Zoe. She is the daughter of a rehab buddy who was actually also a drug dealer here in Montreal when I was dealing in Montreal. And we met in rehab in Ottawa. And he asked me, do you want to be her godfather? I said, sure. I said, are you guys in a baptiser? They said, no, be her godfather. Okay, great. And so it was just like that. So that was easy. Yeah. But it was meaningful. I was happy to do whatever was going to be required of me. And I did see the kid when she was young. And then I moved to Montreal. And so she basically grew up without me. In the intervening years, Tony's only seen Zoe a couple times. When she comes to town, she doesn't bother looking him up. Because I remember how I used to see people that were, like, never mind, 40s. Yeah. And I remember people in their 30s were crusty, you know, yellow tonailed, you know, old people. And occasionally, you know, I get like, she likes something on my Facebook page. And I'll be like, ooh. But Tony wants more than that. Since Zoe still lives in Ottawa just a two-hour drive away, I suggest he go visit her. Maybe it isn't too late. But after his failed attempt with Paul, he isn't sure she'll even want to see him. So I offered a road trip down with him for emotional support. My God, we're going to be running all the way. You know, the whole purpose of this thing is for you not to be a deadbeat goddad. I know. I feel really bad. It's my fault. It's Zoe's last week of high school, and Tony's arranged to pick her up after her day of finals. You don't mind driving a little faster, do you? Don't go like snail-paced grandma style. That's my style. Grandma style. No, no, no, don't do that. When we get to the school, Zoe's waiting outside. All right. Here we go. You feeling good? I'm feeling good. There we go. Here we go. Here we go. Hello. Hello. How are you? Zoe is 18. She's wearing a yin and yang choker around her neck and a pink scrunchie in her hair. So how's everything? How are you? Really good. Almost done high school. Yeah. The final frontier. So good. Let's go to the park. Okay. Would you like some candy, Zoe? Sure. As Tony's emotional support system, I thought it might be helpful to bring refreshments. We drive along chewing in silence. And then Tony decides to break the ice. I have a really gross disgusting story to tell you. Well, can you contextualize what disgusting means? Oh my God. I'm only thinking about it because it happened right around here. Oh, no. I don't like where this is going. A friend of mine has been collecting his vomit for the past 20 years in a gigantic tin, like a gigantic metal drum in the basement. Oh my God. What the heck? I wasn't expecting that. I mean, that's so terrible. Why would you bring something like that up right now? It happened right around here. So like, how did you find out about that? So many questions. And fun fact, the vomit house is on Ralph Street. Google map it. It's right there next to Brown's Inlet. The park we're on our way to. I've only been to this park once before, and that was a weird day. Explain. I started dating this guy. And like the first time we ever hung out outside of school was in this park. We were on those swings and I just remember being like, wow, this is really weird. Like, this is a date. So I guess that was like my first date. And I remember being like, I'm not going to date you again. I'm not going to date you again. I'm not going to date you again. I'm not going to date you again. I guess that was like my first date. We find a picnic table beside the playground where young mothers are playing with their babies. Tony and Zoe sit side by side, she fiddling with a strand of hair and he staring at the table, sweeping pebbles of sand back and forth. The two of them catch up. It turns out Zoe's taking improv classes and Tony's taking improv classes too. Oh, I'd love to see that. You'd like my troop. I think you'd like those guys a lot. Being both a friend who wants to encourage bonding, as well as a lover of show business, I ask if they might improvise a scene or two. This is my favorite bench. It's funny because it's also my favorite bench and I've actually never seen you sitting here. But instead of the comedic romp I'd hoped for, I get a sluggish five-minute piece of Samuel Bichetti in theater. So I guess what I'm saying is, you'll either have to move to the bench that's beside mine or beside his. And scene. I thought like improv is supposed to be like funny. Well, because usually there's energy in your onstage and you're like, you're doing stupid shit and people are laughing, you're not laughing. And in my heart, it feels like Christmas morning on Ralph Street, as Tony and Zoe begin to bond. Yeah, you look really solid. So I'm playing for my audience. They're having fun, and Tony's still thinking about godfatherhood. Tensatively, he brings it up. I look like godfather traditionally. Well, godfather's supposed to provide spiritual instruction. And I wasn't there when you were really young. When you were told when you were young, this is Tony, he's your godfather. Do you remember that? I always knew that you had this like connection to my parents that was really valuable. So by extension, you'd be valuable to me, even though I didn't know you that well. Yeah. What can I offer you at this point, from this point onward, in a formal fashion? I don't know what you hope for me to provide for you. To provide for me? Yeah. I mean, it's a two-way street. I mean, I can't just like take so much and not give anything to you. Well, that's the point. The point, you know, that's the point is that I'm here for you. That is the point. With a godchild, not so much with a god adult, the children's book is called the giving tree, not the giving and taking tree. Children aren't self-conscious. They don't find it weird to take without giving anything in return. But adults do. I'm beginning to feel like pushing Tony to reconnect with his godchildren might have been foolhardy. Tony can't just insert himself into a past he missed out on. And as for the future? Zoe's getting ready to go off to college. She's at the point in life when actual parents see less and less of their kids. Never mind godparents. She was a little bit country and he was a little bit rock and roll. That was the song. I'm a little bit country. Yeah, I'm a little bit. No, let's do the reverse. I'm a little bit. As Tony sings both parts of Adani and Marie duet, Zoe watches him with a big smile on her face. It's clear they really enjoy each other. And the afternoon goes well. But as far as the god parental relationship Tony wants, it feels like it just might be too late. I'm really impressed. I think you've got a pretty fucking firm hold on things. Well, I mean, if you're ever in dire need for like a caregiver when you're old and can't go to the bathroom or something, like I could help you. Oh, no. Hey guys, I'm Carl Radke. You may know me from Bravo's summer house. I'm launching a new podcast called more life. I want to learn from folks who are doing the work and from friends who've inspired me along the way. We'll talk the good, bad and the ugly, but most importantly, the healing, reinvention and self discovery. I definitely don't have it all figured out, but none of us really do. That's why we're here. Listen to more life on Spotify, YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts. New episodes are out now. Tony's first godchild, Paul, didn't have the time for a relationship. And his second godchild, Zoe, had outgrown the whole Godfather, Goddaughter thing. That left him one last chance. Nine year old Nicholas, godchild the third. Nicholas, godchild number three is Nicholas, the son of my cousin. This one is especially challenging for Tony, because unlike with Paul and Zoe, Tony's not the only godparent in the picture. Tony's ex-wife, Natalie, was warm and likable. When they started dating, she helped him reconnect with his family. So much so, though when Nicholas was born, his mom, a cousin Tony wasn't even especially close to, asked them both to be his godparents. Tony and Natalie were together at Nicholas's baptism. I was holding him. And he was really upset until I took him. And he was quiet the whole time. And everybody was kind of spooked by the fact that he was suddenly so quiet when I was holding him. So there was this whole kind of energy around, like, oh, why is this power Tony has over Nicholas? Or why is he so quiet? And everybody seemed to make a kind of a strange impression on people. And it felt good to sort of be, I guess, for whatever reason, and only to do with me. Somehow this kid felt soothed or calmed by me. And we baptized the kid, we had a big party, and then we started, we were there every year. Like, 34 times a year, which is pretty good. But it was all good. But it was all about being with Natalie. Natalie was the initiator. She's the one who planned the godparents stuff, like trips with Nicholas to the movies and the museum. Nicholas loved Natalie and related to her and Tony as a unit. So when that unit split up, Tony couldn't bring himself to keep visiting Nicholas and his mom. It reminded him too much of Natalie. I didn't feel like seeing them. I didn't feel like going to her house, because I always went there with Natalie. Nicholas's mother continued to reach out. Nicholas really misses you, she'd write. Eventually, she suggested they all get together on neutral ground, her sister's house. So we did. We set up a surprise dinner, which was about two months ago. And I went over and they were really happy to see me. But at the same time, I noticed Nicholas's first reaction, he was kind of shocked. And I could see that all this stuff went through his eyes and then he put on this kind of smiley happy guy thing. I could read it all in his face right away. And you think that was because Natalie wasn't there? Yeah, yeah. Tony's afraid that Nicholas won't want a relationship with him that doesn't include Natalie. Afraid that maybe he's not the godparent that Nicholas wants. But he also doesn't want to repeat the same mistakes. So he screws up his courage and goes back over for dinner, hoping he and Nicholas can connect again. But before Tony gets a chance to sit down, the very first words out of Nicholas's mouth. So Tony, how's Natalie? Natalie, she's okay. If you just could get back with her, that would be a relief. Why would that be a relief? Well, I want to see her again, and then I never get to see her. Yeah. That's true. I only see you. And that's not enough. You will see her again, and she says hi. She's in Australia. Actually, she's in New Zealand. You don't want to be in the places she is, right? Well, I don't want to be in New Zealand because it's far away from everything that I do. My mother's here. My mother's an old lady. She's 85 years old and she needs me. She can't live alone. So I can't go anywhere. So Natalie doesn't want to be here. It's over for you. It's over for you, old sausage. It looks like that. But you never know. I'm not in love with anybody else. They sit down on the couch, and Tony faces the thing that's hardest for him to talk about. Even with adults, let alone a child. So are you going to be sad if you don't see her again? A bit. I can't just kidding, a lot. Is there anything that you want to ask me about Natalie or anything? Did a part of... did you feel like a part of your heart broke up to pieces? Yeah. You did? Yeah. Very much. A lot. Do you miss her a lot? Yeah. I do. Well, you should have said this. Come back whenever you want. Or just say sorry or something? Yeah. I did. Okay. I said sorry, and she said she had things to be sorry about too. And then I said come back for a long time. I said come back whenever you want. And I think she's decided not to. I think she's decided. Maybe it's because Post-Canada takes a long time to get a note. Really long. No, but I write her on the internet. Oh, internet? Oh, that makes more sense. I thought you brought her some Post-Canada. Tony's putting away his own feelings and focusing on Nicholas's, which is a very godfatherly thing to do. And Nicholas, for his part, seems to be straining on his emotional tiptoes to try to reach Tony. And together, they meet somewhere in the middle. Do you remember when I... you know, I baptized you, right? Yeah. And you were crying. You were really upset. I had to pick you up. When I picked you up, you went totally quiet. And everybody was like, you're so quiet. And everybody said, you made him calm. And I thought, that's cool. Maybe that's what godfathers are supposed to do. They're supposed to make people calm and be like, everything's okay. Don't worry about it. But let me ask you something. Yeah? What kind of godfather do you want me to be? I wanted you to be the same thing as you are right now. Which is what? You're a really good godfather. I am? Yeah. You're pretty good. Thanks, man. I appreciate that. That's very nice of you to say it. And it's not a joke. You're really good. I'm good. You're a godfather. Thank you. That's awesome. Cool, man. And with that, Tony was a godfather. Because when your godchild tells you you're a godfather, you're a godfather. When I talked to Tony a couple weeks later, he'd already seen Nicholas again. They went to visit Tony's mom. He says she liked having a kid around to wait on to serve Spenicopita. She's laughing in her heart. This is the best day that I ever had. And it's only just begun. Take this moment to decide If we meant it, if we tried Or felt around for far too much Recording. Heavyweight update. Jonathan Goldstein, V-STIME video. Hey, let me just show you what's happening here. So it's recording on the MacBook mic. You're getting the MacBook mic. You're getting the iPhone like six inches from my mouth. You know what you're doing. You know what Jackie Cohen would say, huh? Fuck you. She would be like, look at you. You think you need three microphones. Well, you have to say it's so important. Oh, because everyone wants to hear what you have to say. Zoe says hi, by the way. Say hi to you. That's so nice. I told her I'd be talking to you. And how is Zoe? Great. I mean, she's, you know, she's 28 now. Oh my, okay. And she's been dating a nice Greek boy since then, more or less. You're kidding. No, I'm not kidding. And he's great. He's awesome. She didn't move far from home. She has like a great job. And I was sure she would move to Montreal like all her friends did and everybody moves to Montreal. But she never did. And I admire that because she's really building a strong foundation. And she's very happy. That's wonderful. I'm so glad to hear that. And Nicholas is like amazing. I think I've told you he's a track athlete, like a star athlete. Really? Yeah. He's graduated from high school. He's, he's like coaching me now. And he's just turned into a really amazing, like resilient, like deals with all kinds of hardship, really maturely, like the total opposite of me. Like he, like, I don't, I don't know. He says he gets spiritual guidance from me, but I don't know what that would be or if he's just blowing smoke up my ass. You'd have to ask him. No, that's, you guys have a special connection, but that's, We do. We laugh a lot. Like we have a good relationship. We have a really good time. That's so nice. So how are you? I mean, you look well. Thanks. So do you. Oh, well, you don't have to say that. No, but you do. Um, I mean, basically I'm okay. Um, I'm a three and three and a half months into the, the stay here, which is going to be a year. Wait a second. So why don't you explain what here is? Right. Of course I have to do that. Um, here is the clear sky meditation and study center. It's like a Buddhist based retreat center in the Rocky mountains of Canada. And it's where I live with 12 other people who are permanent. Well, long-term residents and I'm trying it out for a year. I'm living in a kind of pseudo monastic situation and there's deer everywhere. And they just stand like 10 feet away and like stare at you before they dart off. Just, there's coyotes and like howling like 30 feet from, from the building at night. It's really beautiful. It's tough. It's tough here. It's, it's tiring. It's, it's not for everybody. Could you just explain a little about how you found out about this place? Yeah. I owe this to my former mother-in-law, Natalie's mom. Hmm. Actually just a couple of years into my relationship with Natalie, I was looking for a place to meditate and she picked up a flyer from this place. She used to go to yoga and said, this guy is supposed to be good. And then when I showed up, I realized, oh, this is traditional like religious Buddhism. And my first reaction was, I, I, I, no, I don't want that. I didn't, I came to the wrong place. This is not, this is not way. I don't think so basically, but, um, he was a very down-to-earth teacher and he just talked and made a lot of sense to me and I connected really, really quickly with him. So what, what is the path that you're, that you're on right now? You're thinking of staying there for a year, but that is in service to possibly staying there forever? Possibly. Anything is possible right now. Like at this moment in time, anything is possible. I don't know what I'm going to do. And you're comfortable with that? Well, not really, but yes also. I mean, I don't know what choice do I have. Like I don't want to live in Montreal. Um, when I started taking care of my mom, when she got sick. We should say that in the time since, uh, since the episode, your mother has passed away. Yeah. Um, and that sort of both freed you and kind of untethered you from, from the city, from Montreal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So my mom, you know, was diagnosed with dementia right before COVID and it was, uh, it was horrifying, the onset was horrifying because you don't know what it means. You don't know what, what it's going to mean to take care of somebody who's demented. You have the worst, I had the worst kind of ideas in my head, but it turned out to be, yeah, my, my stint as a parent, you know, the closest I'm ever going to get to being a parent is, I think, is taking care of my mom for a few years while she was, uh, unable to take care of herself. And it also brought my relationship with her to a very paradoxically, a very good close because we got so close and also because there was this cognitive opening where she wouldn't recognize me a lot of the time. And so, uh, we were like strangers. So there was a different quality to our interactions. It was, uh, like a freshness or a kind of openness at times, which was really amazing. Wow. That's a nice way to, to see it. Yeah. Yeah. I, I drew a lot of, um, strength from that. It was just a freedom. And by the end, I mean, it's weird taking care of somebody who's going to die as opposed to growing up to be, you know, an adult that's going to go to school and have a whole life. It's, it's, it's weird. It's, it's a, there's a strangeness to that. Um, but in a way, I, I feel like I grew up. Like I became, I finally became an adult. Hmm. Um, but I don't know what I'm going to do in the longterm because it's, I'm still adjusting just to being like a middle-aged person and what that means. Like I'm not even sure. Like I think I'm starting to realize what that means now. What does that mean to you? What does it mean to me? It means the time is running out like really, like I'm really starting to get a sense of like you're, you're on the down slope. Like we're, we use things, pick up speed as opposed to, oh God, life is so hard because you're going up, but you're still on the up slope. Right. But now it's like, no, things are getting work. Things are, my body is, is, is, um, there's a lot of body issues in the last couple of years, but then, and the bigger picture is like, where do I want to live? Who do I want to be near? What do I want to do? These questions are all floating up in the air because I walked away from any kind of, you know, structure. I don't have a family. I don't have, I keep coming back to that. I don't have like my, my oldest and dearest friends or scattered all over the place. They're not going to live with me. You know, you guys aren't going to be, you know, coming up the street with meatballs, sandwiches when I'm demented. Howard might. Howard might. Or maybe, you know, he'll be demented first. I don't know. I don't know. God forbid. So it's like, and it's not like, oh, I'm setting up a nice little hospice for myself so that I can, you know, have my people to take care of me. Like, I don't, I don't care what happens. Throw me off a cliff. Fill me with some yogurt called Jackie. You want all the regular things. It's, it's just you're taking a rather unconventional route to get to those things. I think it has to do with, with knowing what you're going to do, right? So like, if you're not sure that there's a container for, for you in life, like whether there's a job or it's a family or like a very particular career track, which is very involving, which has steps which you can follow, like you're kind of free-floating. You're in free fall. And now it's like kindergarten all over again. Like, okay, what's next? What's next? And like, where's my mommy? Like, what the fuck am I doing? What am I doing here? Like not knowing, really not knowing. But is that exciting also at all? Yeah, it is. It's very exciting. That's good. Tony, I'm so sorry to have to run off. I'm looking at the time. I could talk to you all night, but I'm supposed to take Augie. He's got a basketball game. Give my love to Augie and Emily and tell him I say hi. I will. We'll talk soon. I will. I will, man. Good to see you. Okay. You be well. Okay, man. Bye for now. Bye-bye. Thanks to everyone who helped put the episode together. And we'll be back once again with another exciting update in two weeks. Also, we're starting a free newsletter. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking finally. Yes, that's right. Not just audio, but now in the form of news and a letter sent directly to your inbox. And who knows? Maybe you'll even hear from a producer or two. Kalilah Holt. Yeah, you probably will. We'll let you know when new episodes are coming out and we'll send out some other fun stuff as well. Like word puzzles. We're not going to send out word puzzles. Well, we don't know yet. We might make crossword puzzles, word jumbles. We want to share everything that we can. And you can sign up for that at patreon.com. Hey guys, I'm Carl Radke. You may know me from Bravo Summer House. I'm launching a new podcast called More Life. I want to learn from folks who are doing the work and from friends who've inspired me along the way. We'll talk the good, bad, and the ugly, but most importantly, the healing, reinvention, and self-discovery. I definitely don't have it all figured out, but none of us really do. That's why we're here. Listen to More Life on Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you listen to podcasts. New episodes are out now.