Welcome to Obsessed, where comfort zones go to die and transformation is non-negotiable. Each episode will challenge what you believe, disrupt the patterns holding you back, and dare you to live a life so bold it scares you. Obsession is not a weakness, it's the fire that forges greatness. If you're ready to stop existing and start living, then buckle up. It's time to get obsessed. Dating has changed so much in the past few decades since I was a kid back in the 90s dating and trying to figure it out. Today, we have dating expert, Carrie Brett, author of Shot at Love and podcast host. She knows everything about dating. You're going to need to know what is going on in the dating world because it has turned digital. It has changed, it has morphed, and it can be tricky these days. Carrie, you are our dating guru. Tell us a little bit of your background and maybe why I'm calling you a dating guru. Hi, Julie. Thanks for having me on the show today. I am a professional photographer by trade. I became an early evolution dating app user in 2014. I've been in the dating space for 10 years and I joined Tinder because my photography assistant who was 25 at the time put me on Tinder and my whole world changed. And I had all this opportunity and I stopped crying and little by little I built my confidence back by dating on Tinder. Now, that's so funny because the word Tinder did not exist back in my dating days and I was not a very good dater by the way. I would say I was a serial monogamous. I would meet somebody and I would date them for three or four years, break up with them and then find somebody else. Dating apps, Tinder, Bumble. I don't even know all the words. Match.com, Christian Mingle, Coffee and a Bagel, Farmers Only. Those things did not exist. Actually, I probably eschewed those names. Match.com came out in the later years and my best friend from grade school, she met her husband on Match.com at the very beginning and I was kind of like in the back of my head a little judgy. I was like, oh, why do you have to go to the computer to meet a guy? Right. Well, people who are married and people who are in relationships are the first to judge. They're the first to judge something that they don't know anything about. And I didn't let that stop me. I didn't let other people's opinion hurt my chances of finding love. Love hasn't always been an easy road for you as well and we often teach people what we have struggled with. So can you give us an overview? We know your expertise because we are going to dive deep into your expertise that will excite all of you guys that will give you hope whether you are dating, whether you are exiting a relationship, whether you're a parent and you're trying to figure out what the heck your kids are doing. Why are you an expert in dating, Carrie? Well, I became obsessed with it when I realized I didn't have much competition because I was 43 when I joined and I had a 13 year old and people really believed that online dating, especially Tinder, was a hookup site. I believe at the time a lot of men were there because it was like a video game to them. But not a lot of women in Suburbia outside of Boston were running to join Tinder. So a lot of people made fun of me because they didn't know what it was because it was relatively new. What year was this, Carrie? 2014. So it was new and maybe a little weird. Maybe I was judging you. Yeah, it was a disaster out there dating and there's no information and terms like gas lighting and ghosting and thrupple and all these crazy terms that are mainstream now. I had zero information. So the reason why I wrote my book was for the girl I was back in 2014 and it's been a long road. It has been 20 years in the making. So I start when I get divorced with a baby in chapter one and how my girlfriend and I, we used bracelets, conversational bracelets to talk to men. We didn't have cell phones and I was dating with a baby on my hip. There's nothing more sexy than that, by the way. Get two for the price of one. That's funny. That speaks to how it changed because nobody did that back in the 50s, 60s or 70s or they did it underground. Now it's just commonplace to be dating with your kids and bringing tons of baggage along with you and is dating today actually safe? The digital dating, I would guess there's a lot of catfishing or you see those profile pictures, it's like no offense to the realtors in our lives. Oh, sorry, Scott actually carries significant other is a realtor, but you see those big billboards of realtors and their pictures from 15 years ago and then you meet them in person and you're like, oh, you don't even know they're the same person because there's that bait and switch. Do you see that a lot with modern dating? Guys back then, and I still think it's true, they put very little effort into their photographs, which is a huge mistake because your leading image and that's why I started to get really obsessed with it, is because I could see that online dating was marketing and branding 101 and there was no difference between my leading photograph or a cover that I would shoot for the Improper Bustoni in the magazine that I worked for for 28 years. And that it's very strong and it opens up doors for you. It's how you position yourself, you're marketing yourself. If you don't take that piece seriously, it's not going to be, you're not going to have great results. So a lot of guys, most guys will hold up the fish or their golfing or they make a lot of mistakes with their photographs. That's gotta be funny. You probably have some funny stories. Oh, I've seen, I have 800 plus color coded photographs from Tinder that I started piecing this all together, what the good looking guys do. And I started to do what those guys did and it worked. So typically the hot guy, the guy that knows they're really good looking would never put anything in the bio because they didn't need to because they were so good looking and they knew how good looking they were. And I realized that a lot of women were putting all these things like I love cooking and I love the red socks and a lot of the things that they were saying was a lie. So I decided to beat them at their own game by not putting anything in the profile. And that freaked guys out big time because they were like, this girl's doing the opposite of everyone else. It's it was like, I took it away from them. So they had no information about me. So then they were scrambling, but they had to work harder to get to know me because there was no information in the bio. And I think if I ever had to go back on online dating today, I think I would still do that because it worked so well for me. But now we have Google and speaking of Google now before dates, you can actually Google whoever you're going out with. That is a smart move. Just finding out the backstory. Who is this person, this lady or dude I'm going out with? Right. And yeah, who they are. Well, we did not have that. No, but. It's flying by the seat of our pants. Totally. But as you know, how people position themselves online, especially through social media, it's not always the truth. And since I'm the queen of optics and that's my specialty, that's how I make my living is making people look better than they do in real life. I believe why not put your best foot forward and get some good photographs? It is marketing. I've never really thought of dating as marketing, but we always, when we start dating, we are on our best behaviors. When do we start shedding those layers and just becoming ourselves and freaking the other person out and seeing, can they handle? Can they handle the truth? Can they actually handle all that we are? Because that is the scary part. Whether it's us or a partner, but there is that sunny moon period where everybody loves us. We're awesome. Well, here's the thing. Most people show up as their representative, not as themselves, and they rob themselves of the opportunity of having a true connection. So by the time I met my boyfriend, we did not show up as our representatives. We showed up as ourselves. And the reason why we did that is because we were both so bloodied and bruised and beaten up by the time we met that we didn't have anything left in the tank to try to be someone that we weren't. So that's when I really learned that stop trying to be somebody that you're not because you've got to see if they love you for you. And God didn't give me a filter, unfortunately. So I don't really know how to pretend to be somebody else. It would be exhausting. I'm not a good liar and I don't have a poker face. Right. And it's fun. And it's challenging and it's gritty and it's exciting when you do meet somebody else. But I love that you and your boyfriend, which I would honestly, you guys have been together. I would consider you Kamala husband and wife, but I don't want to push you in any direction. But being together for so long and just knowing each other off the bat, that is courageous. Have you seen any differentiation in your personality or his personality in the past decades since you've been together? Seasons, right? You have seasons and it's a lot of work and it's two people showing up to commit to that relationship. We both wanted that. We both really wanted to find love. And he was all in from the beginning, which I wanted really badly. And I didn't have that in my past relationships. So I really got to a place finally that I had some worth because it didn't start that way. That's a huge thing becoming or being whole before you even step into a relationship because you can morph into the other person if you don't have a sense of self. And if you don't have a sense of self, you can bloat who you are and change the whole dynamic of the relationship. I love that you said that. Well, you can't rely on someone else to make you happy. You have to make yourself happy. And I think that's a big mistake that people make. Is there like when I find love, I'll be happy. Yeah, it enhances your life. You should find you should look for someone that makes your life better, that doesn't take away from you. Because what's the point? Right? One of the things before we got married, I believe my husband asked my dad, he said, what is the key to a long lasting marriage or relationship? And my dad said, get a hobby. And my husband was like, huh, that's so weird. But you know, have who you are as a couple, but know who you are as a person and do something you love on the sidelines is really what he meant. And I think about that as knowing who you are. You have to know who you are and what you love. Right. Something else besides your relationship with your partner. So, right. My dad is not a dating expert. Like you are Carrie Brett shot at love expert. And you know why we have Carrie Brett here? We have Carrie Brett here because she is going to give you every single piece of dating advice she has in her vault of knowledge of dating. She has dated probably every single type of person you could imagine. And she knows everything about dating. Her stories are crazy. Every time we have a conversation, she pulls from that brain of hers. And she's like, oh, this person, this person, this person, this experience, this experience, you are going to sit privy right now as we do a rapid fire on all things dating and expertise in dating. Carrie, get your pencils out. So you can understand what dating is like now for you or in the future, if you're thinking about dating, or maybe you know someone that's dating, you can give them some advice or share this episode with them. Carrie, are you open to a rapid fire just so we can pick your brain and learn everything about dating today? Sure. You're okay with that? I love it. Are you nervous? No. I've never done this before. Okay. Let's do a rapid fire and learn everything about dating right now by Carrie Brett. Let's go. Biggest dating red flag. Being rude to a waiter or a valet or a doorman, because if they're going to jump ugly quickly in public like that, then you're in for a long painful journey with that person. One green flag everyone should look for. I think people should look for their heart and what's inside matters because good looking doesn't mean a goddamn thing if they're not a good person. So true. Can you give us one example, celebrity example? Well, I would a celebrity example. Sure. Nicole Kidman right now. That's a hot story. And I always say that things that you overlook in the beginning will be the thing that breaks you in the end. And sure enough, a few months into their marriage, he had to go away to take care of his addictions and he wasn't very honest about that. And from all I know about that relationship is that the only thing that Nicole Kidman has said is that he hasn't been honest. So that says enough. People's pain isn't gossip. I feel sorry for her right now. And I'm sure it's very painful. They were together for a long time. But relationships sometimes don't stand the test of time. Yeah. I mean, 19 years for a celebrity marriage, that seems almost like a lifetime in real life. Right. I feel sad for the kids, their daughters. I think she's going to have a great comeback. I can, I can see that she seems very strong and she seems very caring. And I'm rooting for her. So that's a celebrity. So we're team Nicole here, I'm guessing here. Team Nicole. I think she's really talented. And I think that life with a musician is very challenging. Bass, Gwen Stefani, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kristi Brinkley, Elis Kate Hudson, which goes on and on. See, Mary knows everything about dating. That is for sure love and marriage. I love this. Okay. Next question for Carrie Brett. First date deal breaker. If he doesn't pay for the date, that's a pretty strong sign because I don't want to be splitting bills over buffalo chicken nachos. This is that old fashioned. Is that old fashioned, Carrie? I think that the man should court you and hunt you down and make efforts and make plans, pay for you, make you feel important. If they're not going to do that in the beginning, when are they going to do it? Yeah. No, I agree. Okay. That's the stage for what's to come. That's the stage, right? I love that. I love that. Better to meet online or in real life. I think whatever resonates with you is your answer. If you like online dating, try out a bunch of different dating apps. See what happens. If you're quiet and you don't like to go out by yourself to a bar or a networking event, that might not work for you either. And online dating might be easier for you. I mean, putting yourself out there is hard no matter what avenue you pick. Do you have to not take it all so seriously or you'll have a harder time? And I would suggest having some patience with the process and with yourself and having a lot of grace because you're going to make mistakes because you're learning something new. Dating is a skill that can be learned just like anything else. I did not know that. Dating is a skill that can be learned. If I only knew this 30 years ago. Both did. What's the best opening line on a dating app? Well, I like when people do the shock and awe where they take a chance and they take a risk and they are really bold and really unique. Like I had one guy say to me, smart, sexy, single or something like that. I can't remember what it was, but it got my attention. And he asked me out. He didn't even talk to me. He just asked me out right away and that got my attention. And I said, how did, how do you know that you want to go out with me? And he's like, see the first text. Smart, sexy, single. And so stuff like that. I really like those eye grabbers. And I learned that because again, I don't have a filter and I used my humor to survive. That was one of my tools in my Tinder toolkit was my humor and the fact that I was very raw and real. You know me, Julie, that's I am like that in person. So it worked for me because I always said the damnedest things and that humor piece made people leaned in. And that's when I said in the beginning of the episode, when you show up as your representative, you're losing your chance for true connection. Yes. No, that's that's really good. And you do say the damnedest things. So we're going to ask you next best way to handle ghosting. Sometimes a relationship falls apart and it has nothing to do with you. And when you get ghosted, you have to. This is when I say, don't take it all so seriously. I would say the majority of the time, the reason why they ghosted you is because they either can't rise up to meet you. They're really not worthy of you or they have unhealed issues that you have pointed out probably unknowingly that makes them feel uncomfortable. Or the other one is there's an awful lot of unintentional daters on these dating apps. Love a pen pal. Love an ego stroke. Love money in a tip jar. And love someone to pass the time with, but they're really not interested in doing the work to be in a committed relationship. So they did you a favor because they can't do it anyways. And half the guys I dated 10 years ago are still on these dating sites and they will remain there. Wow. Yeah. That blows my mind. That's kind of a sad existence, I would think. No, it works for them. Okay. Otherwise they wouldn't be there. Okay. It's sad for someone who wants to be in a relationship because they just wasted your time. But that's when I'm saying you have to reframe the ghosting and find some friends to go out with or people that can remind you of your worth because what's going to happen is going to happen and who you're supposed to end up being with will unfold. What is meant to be is meant to be. That's what I'm trying to say. Right. So how do you know when they're the one? Well, I think when you find someone that you are willing to take a shot with, you have to, you know, hope for the best because people change over time. Nothing is ever guaranteed. And that's where it can be hard and it can be complicated and it can be messy. But you have to take a chance somewhere. You have to take a chance to trust somebody again. And I think, you know, and I think you're inner knowing your compass, your intuition knows. You always know down deep. You do. And we don't necessarily listen to our intuition because we want something so bad that we're willing to sacrifice the truth and our hearts because we want it so bad. Oh, yeah. We've crazy, crazy things. Yeah, you have. Like clean people's toilets and done so many insane things. I was like a maid. I was a janitor. I assumed lots of roles to twist myself into a pretzel to be something I was not to please someone else with the hopes that I would someday be picking a maid of honor rather than being their maid. Wow. Wow. That's powerful, Carrie. Powerful. I mean, if you can't learn from your past lessons, what can you learn from? This is really incredible. And if we wrap this up in a bow, tie this all up in a package under the tree. What is the best advice you've ever received about dating and relationships? Or have given somebody that can change the trajectory of their life? Like, just what is it? Because dating is so hard. The energy that you bring into it is really, really important. And your mindset is everything. Now, I've watched my mother battle cancer for six, well, five years. Well, since December of 2019. And she's not having it. Like she doesn't give any weight to cancer. Her mindset is so powerful. And I think you have to come in with a winner's mindset. You are going to rock it on these dating apps or wherever. And you have to believe 100% that you're worthy of love and that you can find it. And that was the best thing that I did. And I didn't just have that, like that belief. Because often when you come out of a heartbreak, you have no hope at all. And when you have no hope, all is truly lost. And I've been there many times in my life. So if you have that belief, and the only reason why I had that belief is because my psychic healer told me karmically I was due and that all the love that I put in my past relationships would come back to me tenfold. And because I believed in karma, I had that belief. And that was a gift that she gave me. And I write in my book that if you have doubt, look for proof. And Michael Oze taught us that the law of attraction. Have you found love before? Well, if you have, chances are you'll do it again. Love is finding love and love is our birthright. It's ever present within us. And if you just put yourself out there, you will find love. Thank you so much. I wish I knew this back when. So I could sidestep all the mistakes I made. But mistakes are what mold us. Heartbreak is the price we pay for just daring to love, to daring to be bold, daring to put our trust in someone else. It cracks us open. It reshapes us and allows us to be vulnerable to somebody else. It allows us to be courageous in front of someone else. And it teaches us lessons. So you are constantly teaching us lessons of connection, of understanding our self worth. And I'm telling you guys, you need to read shot at love. You need to listen to the podcast shot at love. You are going to dive deep into understanding what love can look like at any age at any stage. It's funny. It's witty. The experts are there. Carrie Brett, she is changing the face of love for everybody. Check out shot at love. Get obsessed with Carrie Brett. I really do hope people pick up the book because there isn't anything I haven't lived through. There's so many different stories and there's so many lessons for all ages. I have a lot of divorced dads loving my book. It's for men and women and I can help people in all age groups. We all need to learn these skills and it does start with worthiness. And you've got to find a way to believe that you're worth more. Yeah, you are worthy. You are worthy of the obsessors. Follow Carrie Brett. Everything's in the show notes until we meet again. Wait, review, subscribe and love ourselves. Our dating guru, Carrie Brett. Love you. Thank you. Get all the best. Thanks so much. Bye.
