Hot Dogs with Rob Dukes

And now the bonfire with big J. O'Crossen and Robert Kelly. I'm auditioning. Yeah. You believe you can. That's too much Boston in it. Too much. Yeah. Suck my cock. You have no fucking idea. You're listening to the dirtiest of the dozen by Exodus. You're listening to shock comedy. Shock comedy radio. Be a part of the madness. Tomorrow night, the Wellmont Theater. Exodus attack.com. Spell just how you think. Exodus attack.com. Get tickets to Wellmont Theater. It is going to be a volatile pit. I can only say it's I've been to the Wellmont many times there. There are no seats in the front. It's one of them theaters. They don't have seats. It's just open floor. There's a pit. Yeah. You son of a bitch. You were trying to set me up. No. It's until you go down the front row. You'll be fine. In the front row. Right about 10 feet back from the front. You'll be fine. Now I'd love to tell you the fun you're going to have is touching a bunch of hot girl butts as they coast over your body. But this next to the show, so it's going to be just a bunch of us that you're going to have to have a hard time carrying. Just us. Just a bunch of sweaty Rob Dukes and Bob Kelly. Absolutely. And I'll tell you what, more than plenty big J's running around there. Do we have 5X T-shirts? Suck on that biohazard Onyx, you fucks. I had to make my own merch. A 5X is a fucking bed sheet. Hell yeah. It's a lot of material, man. I know. You should have to make, you know how much better we would all do if we charged, you know, like airplanes do, like if you're too big, you have to buy two tickets for my concert. If you're four, every 200 pounds, you have to buy another ticket. It's just way at the door. I don't. Like 26 people in this show. I don't have to sell 50 tickets to the show. But it's fucking full, dude. I can play Uncle Vinny's every weekend. Damn right, dude. It's gonna look like a fucking musher Play-Doh. Fuck yeah, man, dude, Skankfest. If we weren't any more of a hotter place, the whole audience would just catch on fire. Just see through vampire people, being exposed to the daylight. What is this here? That's the soul show. Oh, Biohazards are on with you guys tomorrow. Oh, nice. Yeah. Well, let them know I pirated their merch because they don't have my size. They don't have your size anymore? No, that's why I made, I made the Onyx and the Biohazard. Try to buy, try to support both merchants. And you know what? I don't know if they had them earlier in the day because their merch people are like this. No. I was like, did you have them? They're like, huh? I'm like, never mind, man. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go, let me take a look at this again real quick. I got it. I'm gonna go have my friend, Johnny make that. Dude, I think I'm getting a little sick from that hot talk. Come on. Come on. Come on. Let me introduce our guest. I gave so much hype and then Bobby phoned me. Bobby. Bobby Biff today pretty hard. It's been a rough day for Bobby. Can we, can I help you? Let's bring in first of all our good friend, good friend of the show, everybody. Again, Exodus playing tomorrow night, the Wellmont Theater. It is their singer extraordinaire, the great Rob fucking Dukes. Thanks, Lou. Barely two. You lost. How much did you lose? I don't know a lot. You don't weigh it. You didn't know. You got 180 or something. You lost 180. 170 I think. You lost 170. Holy damn. That was a fat fucking retard. No, we saw you. We were there. We saw you. We were right looking right at you. You lost more than a Jake. I'm pretty sure I'm one of the guys who was, hey, dude, you gotta do something about that. Yeah. Yeah. Rob, you lost more than a Jacob of weight. I did. Yeah, you lost. That's amazing. And I know that should make you feel bad, but I think it makes me feel like less of a man. Yeah. That a man could lose you. That a real man can lose all of him and still be a man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you fucking looking good kid. Yeah, man. We're all fat. We're all fat and gross. Well, okay. Yep. Yep. I mean, the fat part was good. No, we're all gross. Okay. Yep. I don't know. Lou was never a gross guy. He was all. Am I the third person? Yeah, you're the third guy. We started talking about Lou and I looked over and I was like, wait a second. I saw a reflection of myself in his glasses and I was like, I think they're fucking talking about me. Yeah, we're all three of us fat gross ones in the studio at one point. I would have gone to Christine again before I went to me on that one. But okay, I guess I guess the three of us were fat and gross. All right. Well, she looks good too. Yes. Okay. So there was she fat and gross before. She was not fat and gross. That was just me. She was not gross. I didn't think so. No, she was not gross. I thought we were just all lumping in. Definitely. She wasn't the FAT fat. She was the PHAT. Well, we were always the kill on the fuck, marry, kill list. Yeah, because we got on top of them to fuck them. Yeah, I fucked them, married them and then killed them by fucking them. Kill by fuck. Yeah, Jacob, Jacob, you never have to worry about killing somebody. Kill by fuck. Great song. Write it down. You got your, here's your harmony. Work off that. Jacob's never been on top of the way either. Oh my God. If you do, do you put your legs over the woman? You should be on top of like that. He should be riding her, but with your penis in her. And I know you're thinking you might not have a long enough penis for that, but you will once we get these fucking knee strap dick extenders that we talked about all on the pre-record. It's gonna be the new biggest thing in my life. It's your dick. Yeah, it's the new veneers. It's my new veneers. Bobby's having a rough day, Rob. I don't know how much you've communicated with him today, but I haven't. I haven't really. Well, it started off, and you'll hear about this more on Thursday because we read the calm Bobby Downey. It was a little hot. On the way here, and he's thinking, let's just admit I peacock a little more in the daytime. Physically. Just naturally. Yeah, you peacock at 11am. Peacock at 11am, for sure. Most people peacock around 9.30, 10. PM. Jay wakes up peacocking. Somehow. I could go sweatpants or whatever, but I can go to a car wash, dress down as hell or the mall, and someone, if they recognize me, they don't go like, who's that? Why do I know? They go, that's him. Yeah, because the guy with his one sweatpants like pulled up for no reason. That's the thing. And I'm telling you, they see that and they go, oh, it's funny. People always joke because Jay, Big Jay does. Oh, shit, it is Big Jay. It is him. That's why I say you follow up any of the things you think of me, a wallet chain, all that dumb shit. Is that guy washing his car with mittens on? Oh, that's Big Jay. Only Big Jay would do something. That is fucking Big Jay washing his car with mittens. Just sopping wet mittens. I'll tell you what, when I wore the gloves more there were times where it's like, I wore the gloves even in a situation where like they've gotten wet while you're wet, but just like, we're already committed to the look, man. I mean, just from simply like picking up like wet, cold beers and the gloves just like wet and you're like, I mean, I'm already committed to the look though. You've, you've slowly got out of them. I haven't seen you with them on. I just wore them pink ones the other day. Yeah, yeah. No, I wear them still. It's just like, you wear them every day for a minute. Well, winter time I wear them every day. Right. Okay. So it's a winter thing. It is to keep you warm. No, no, I do. I'm doing a big show. It's to keep you palms warm. Fuck the fingertips. If I'm doing a big show, I'll probably wear them a couple of times, maybe out in LA, the old Netflix Fest. It's possible. Why was he crying this morning? He wasn't crying. He was just in an upset mood because on our walk in again, because I'm a statuesque and you know, the natural peacock that people on the street, a couple of people stopped to say that we're a big fan of mine. Yeah. And then Bobby, he calls this giving in an opportunity for them to recognize him. But that starts with, Hey, and then the person that always is jarred, and then he starts fucking motherfucking them for not recognizing him. Yeah, I've earned it. I don't put up with it. It's not like he's trying to go, Hey, do you recognize me too? And then get it. He goes, Fuck you for not recognizing me. Why? Even if they do when they go, Okay, no, I do recognize you. But they're also like, I do recognize you fucking asshole. Why are you cursing at me? And then Bobby said, Fuck you. And then they're in that. No. First of all, why should I keep it? With the, uh, the anger, you can have it. You gave it to me. It's for you. Fuck face in a suit. How's that? I don't have a good argument against that. You can. I either take it with me and then I got to go to bed with it. And then some guy in a fucking vest is in my head. Or I just give it to fuck face. And the guy actually said, No, dude, I know you dude. I've seen you like 10 times. Well, fucking mention that we were in trip. He was coming this way. We're going this way. I stopped to yell at this guy's face. I was right there. I did. I stopped in my tracks and Bobby. Yeah. And the reason this is hitting Bobby so hard today that he feels outside he's been jilted. Thank God. The next guy that we passed by asked me for a picture, but Bobby dipped in the Starbucks mercifully. Yeah. Because this guy was a big fella and Bobby was going to give him the business. He was like, This guy had a lot to go on if you wanted to start tearing him apart. And Bobby would have given them biz. Then mercifully, while we were getting our hot dogs, somebody stopped by and recognized both of us. So recognize me first. And then recognize Jay. I by the way, I almost wanted to stay turned around because when he got Bobby first, I was like, I hope he doesn't know who I am. Of course, they're going to know who you are. You're dressed like you just got out of a fucking video. Cool video though. It's very cool video. Especially I play keyboards and got smack. That hot dog is fucking coming up. Well, so Bobby is feeling a lot of this coming down on today on a day that he thought was going to be possibly the beginning of the rest of his life. It was, it was set out to be a phenomenal day of a new experience that I haven't experienced in my life today. And when I was walking here, I felt fantastic. And it's because Bobby is wearing and you may have just noticed if you look down at all, his hilarious gigantic height giving shoes that put three inches on his height. But he has been not noticed in them. And he is also his feet now as the day has moved forward, are killing him because inside they are high heels. Yeah, he is wearing high heels. His feet are killing him. I had I had to walk like Christy Brinkley on the way back from the hot dog place here. I had to switch hips. And by the way, because the heel, Bobby, if you wouldn't mind taking a little stroll for us, what you'll notice is because the heel is completely up to the ankle of the shoe. He's stepping out of them every time he walks. They're too big for them. They're way too big. Show Jacob the backs. You're coming out. Your whole foot's out of them. Work it girl. Watch out tall Jacob gets put these on Jacob. This is his dream. Yeah, dude, they work. They don't work on you though. Yeah, they do work on me. Bobby, if you pushed him, he would come out of the shoes. That's the one thing you can't get into a fight in these. What size shoe do you work? I try them on? Yeah, what size are they? Um, size, I think it's 11. Oh, no, I can't try them on. Okay, well that hurt too. I'm a size 14, dude. I get it. You're taller, bigger, fancier, more recognized. Anything else you want to add to it? Oh, I got to slip by. Oh, Bobby, Bobby, these days are almost over for you being unrecognized because once you start living out loud is flaming Bob Dandy. Well, as I was walking here, a guy came out between two cars and he had your lead singer talking about him. He had a bunch of hats in his fan in his hand, a bunch of hats. And he said something to me and I said, no. And I kept walking. He goes, you're going to do me like that. And Melody goes, he asked you if you like black people. And you said no and kept walking. So you were honest. And I turned around and I go, dude, I'm deaf in my left ear. What did you say? He goes, do you like black people? I go, yeah. You sure that wasn't... And then he goes, oh, because you look like my boy Big J. And he was a hat guy outside the building. We know that... You're my business partner. You've met his business partner and everybody knows that black people rule. Yeah, I mean... As Big J says... I thought he asked me, do you want to buy a hat? Sure. And I said, no, I'm already wearing a hat. Like, what the fuck am I going to buy a hat for? No. That's a big fuck job. But I didn't say that. I just said no. And I kept walking. And he stood there with his like mouth. But can I be on his side for a second? You do look like you don't like black people. I know. I know. I mean, you look like the poster for, I don't like blacks. And you don't say black people, you just say blacks. Nothing wrong with that. Yeah, Jacob, I'll get you right. That guy is... He's a hustler, dude. I don't know. Don't talk about his partner. I don't know what happened out there one day. I do. He came to me and I said, go talk to him. And you, because you don't have bones in your body, and you don't know how to say beat it like Rob. I don't like black people to take off. You talked to him and became friends with him, you spineless fucking jellyfish. I was nice to a guy that seemed like he was trying to do it. He gave me his little wrap about the thing. And I'm like, oh, cool, man. And he was like, you work here? I'm like, yeah, yeah. And we do a thing. And he out. And then, no, that was one of the days where the guys here there for autographs were asking me for it. So he was kind of like, he had like a who are you thing. So I'm like, oh, we do a show up here and everything. And then he's like, oh, let me look you up on Instagram. Okay. So he does looks me Instagram and then starts messaging me on Instagram. And also he's also given me free hat, free shirt already that I cannot wear because the shirts have the dimensions of like, what was the character and staying alive's name who is you always saw clavicle on the shirt. It's a very swoopy opening. So it's not gonna be my thing. You don't like showing off your clavicle? I don't. You don't have an hot clavicle? I don't have hot clavicles. I would not say. I mean, it is my spot. My is my Rajna. So well, can I just say something? Maybe he saw what everybody else sees. You're the man. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that was the man. Oh, that's what's killing Bobby. We didn't say that part. I'm sorry. The guy in the vest who hates Bobby. Now doesn't. Well, now he does because you almost fought him on the streets. He goes, I saw you 10 times and Bobby goes, and I fucking murdered it every time. Then he goes, absolutely. But he's the man. And that Bobby, his toes went up because his heels went further down to the ground. He see-sawed backwards. I was about to throw one of my high heel sneakers at his head. You sold me. I was never gonna get them. And then you walked in with that height and that confidence, and they didn't look bad. And now you're telling me they're crushing your feet. No, here's why. I didn't tie them. I just threw them off. Jacob, look. So if you tie them- So if you tie heels, Bobby, in the shape of a sneaker, you're in pain. That sounds stupid. Why would you not tie them? Jacob, look at the screen. This is what Bobby's doing. You didn't have time. This is what Bobby's on right here. That's what you look like, Bobby. What are we watching? What is this? It's American Dad. He just tells him to look like he has a big dick. He just puts a salami his pants and wears six times two big shoes. And that's what you look like walking outside trying to keep your balance. Minus the big dick. Minus the important part. These shoes should come with a salami. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's- My dick. It didn't work out. My dick. Then we went to a hot dog guy who took 55 minutes. Oh, and this is why Bobby's also upset also. He goes, he's been talking up for- Since last week I got a hot dog, Bobby goes, he goes, we got to go. Well, because I'm first of all an influencer and I follow other influencers. And I follow a hot dog influencer who goes to all the hot dog carts and picks the best ones and the cheapest ones. And there was one on 45th. I watched it. 45th, I didn't know it was Broadway. I thought it was sixth. It's on Broadway. For all a hot dog, A rating, one of the best in the city. So I've been pumping this up influencer to influencer to go to my friend Jay to say, hey, hot dog day Wednesday. So- Tuesday. No, hot dog day Tuesday. Last Wednesday. I'll just fix it on the fly. You're not going to catch me. Last Wednesday. So we were all ready to go to the hot dog. I mean, pumping it up. We're going to hot dog. Tuesday, we're going to hot dog. We went, I didn't know it was on Broadway. We wound up going to the wrong hot dog cart. We went to one we had to go to because we're running out of time, Nathan's, that had an A, but not an A. The person that was working there was not an A. Oh, he was at F minus. Yeah. We were the only people there. We got four hot dogs between us and two orders of french fries. And we were there for 20 minutes at this thing waiting for this guy. He just was so slow and he asked you everything up front. And then every time he went back, he would just ask you all over again. Like, so you by the way, he wouldn't do that. He was the thing where he just guesses it all wrong on purpose because he's going to say something goes, you wanted to pick those mayonnaise in a picture of your mother on yours. No, just like just sour, crout and mustard. How do you have a picture of my mom? What do you want mayonnaise and like my boogers and touch it with my fingers? You want mayonnaise and you want me to come on this? Yeah. No, I just relish shoved in my asshole and pulled back out. No, I just relish again. Mustard. That's it. Right there. You actually got it right. I love you to say, but the relish again. I don't know what I thought the hot dog game was all about like two hot dogs, please. And they go, what do you want on it? Squirt, squirt here. I got one he had it in my hand before I even had my fucking card on my wallet. Yeah, that's how it's supposed to be. That's what happened. Right there, dude, on the fucking corner. Then the guy bullied us into paying cash. Then he stopped making our hot dogs and started cleaning up after himself. He started cleaning the grill. Christine was like, excuse me, we have to go back to work. Like we work in a fucking company like we work in offices. I think there's a live show starting. I'm like, we got to go. He's going back to work. He's starting crazy. And he goes, oh, and then he goes, what do you want? Tire and mayonnaise and used underwear. I'm going to go relish and mustard. Hey, what do you want to drink? Fresh squeezed oranges? I have to go get the oranges. You want that? He goes, and you said you want it again. I think it was ginger ale and piss. No, Pellegrino. Do you have piss? It was then he put the drinks in a bag, which took 38 seconds. By the end, he was fucking with us. By the end, the way he started tetricing hot dog boxes in a bag is like, put them in and let us leave. Why are you holding us prisoner? I feel bad. And then we found out that it was on brought. The one I wanted to go was they flip them in, bang, and they're only four bucks. These were eight dollars. Oh, you should wonder why we had time to watch it, because we were just standing there waiting for our hot dogs, watching a video about a much better hot dog stand that Bobby's thought we were going to. I thought we were all going to have a cigar and hang out before the. We all did. We all did. We all did. But this guy fucked us. I had a nice cigar. It was nice. A nice hot dog. Well, I have sore feet and indigestion now from that garbage hot dog and the piss drink he gave me. I think he did come in my hot dog. Oh, he probably came in your hot dog. You had boogers and cumb for sure. That's my nickname in high school. Boogers and cumb Kelly. How did you know that? Oh, yeah. B and C Kelly? I was a booger guy, though, back in the day. You know that. I know. You know I like the boogers. And I was like, you don't remember that, right? Flamin' Bob Dandy. I used to love picking my nose and rolling a booger on my upper lip into a perfect sphere, and then placing it in back in my nose so it'd be big enough where it stayed. We know. Thank you. Why do you tell this to the audience? No, you got to open up to these people, let them know who you are, really are. Flaws and all. No, here's the thing. Even if four other people in this room have done the same thing, you're just not the best one you take with you. Buddy, I was only 18 when I was doing it. That's way too late, man. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Too much hair in your dick. I didn't start growing it. I didn't get puberty until 21. Most people don't know that. You had no dick hair until you were 21? 21 just sprouted. Bald dick. No, of course not. Yeah, bald dick, 21, boom, 22, full pack. You fucking cadaver until you were 21. Your dick hair does fall out as you get older, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. It goes see-through and then it falls out. Wow. Bobby, you might not be able to appreciate this, but mine's always been a little bit see-through. But that's because if you brought it all together, it's a lot of hair. But when you have flesh and fatted it out this way, the hairs separate. Yeah. You see. And then it's a bit of see-through. I've also, not only do I envy and enjoy looking at the admiring the huge penis of another man, but also a thick patch of dick hair will also make me also go, damn, dude, I'm pushing a big old thick patch of dick hair. Like a Joe Rogan beard down there? Yes. Yeah, like a Greek five o'clock shadow. It's a fucking loop. Yeah. I think my bald hair looks like this right now. I think it's the same. Yeah. Yeah, well, let's see it. Texture. Well, I used to be, I was always a fucking, I like red fucking hair. Oh my God. I was a fucking redhead, but I was a blonde as a kid. And then I had red dick hair and red fucking chest hair, like a fucking ginger fucking idiot. Just so you know, your wife's frowning and nodding. Yeah. Yeah. And now it's going red. Red dick hair, she's like, yeah. I'm so glad he's getting old and it went to another color. Yeah, let's go in gray. Yeah, I don't have to fuck Halloween dick anymore. My bald hair, my bald hair is, is, is like my face. It grows like that kind of same hair. My bald hair is gone though. I shaved that off, but my dick hair is just, I wish it wasn't so sparse. It's a little sparse, but I think too, being heavy for a long time, like we were. It hates us and falls out. I think it kills the root. I think it's dick hair. Yeah, I think it kills. I think it's just hate. This is a theory right now. I haven't put it to any scientific test. I'm going to this year with Mr. Tyson, Dr. Tyson, but I believe that as you with the flap hanging over that, it kills the hair. Because I'm with you. No oxygen. I'm with you. No oxygen. Nope, there we go. No oxygen. No oxygen. No sunlight. Let's throw that in. No sunlight. And also because it's protruding. Yeah. The rub. The rub. The rubs. No oxygen. No sunlight. The rub. What's this theory? And then, and then, you know, the self-hatred pulling it out. Hang on, he's good at these. One at a time. He's good at these. No oxygen. No sunlight. The rub. The rub. The T's fucking things up. Fuck, switch it around. There's no rub. No oxygen. No sunlight. I'm out of it. Come on. No. Pull it together for the fatsoes out there. This is called the bonfire theory. What the fuck? Is that a race jacket? Yeah. Pull out like all very casually a fucking four race jacket. Do you know what, we have this attention span of cats. You can't just pull yellow shit out in front of us. What the fuck is this? What are you doing, dude? This is the coat that fell off my chair. Yeah, but if it fell off your chair, then you held it up like a flag and we all went, squirrel. Are you wearing that today? If it gets cold in here, I will put on this racing jacket. It's not just a racing jacket. You all know what it is, so I don't understand. Yeah, it's the jacket Joey Logano gave us. Thank you. Right. Or his team gave us. No, look at this. It's just really loud. Why is Jacob stuck up for us like that? Yeah, absolutely. I have a nice, I feel like I have nice dick hair. What? Mine is nice. You really just wanted to get in there. I was waiting for my window. What do you got? What do you got down there? Let Jake put his hands down your pants. The jacket broke in. Let Jake put his hands down your pants just to the top of your shaft. It's full, right? It's like Brillo. Let him feel it. No, dream about it. You can only guess. You can only. Just pull it out and take my word for it. Oxygen, no rub. There's no rub. There's oxygen and sunlight because you lie on your roof trying to catch pigeons as friends on the weekend. Naked, right? So it just, he's against vitality. You're not trying to turn the pigeons against the rats. Genetics, I guess. But thoughts have good dick hair. Yeah. Is it, do you trim it? I trim, yeah. You do. I'm not gonna be like a sauce quatch. What do you, what do you? I'm like, Jay, I think Jay and I have the exact same grooming routine, no ball hair and then a nice trim. What shape is it in? Pyramid? No, you don't. A box. I don't make a shape. I don't shape it. I just cut the length back. Well, you trim the top, trim the top down, right? Trim the top down. And then you trim the sides, right? I don't like put, I don't put a- Make an arrow. No. You don't make the arrow? I don't put a landing strip. You don't do the arrow? I'm not asking you that. No landing strip. How a girl's gonna know where to go if you don't make an arrow? Oh, I'll tell you how they're gonna know because this dick is gonna be stretched out and connected to his knee. Oh yeah, I forgot about that. I think you forgot about that. I forgot about that. The new most important thing in my entire life. I actually went with a girl once. She had a big hairy box, but shaped in the shape of a box. So it was really an official box. Like 3D? She had a- She had a cube thing where it's like two squares connected by lines? It was like a, she made it into a square. Instead of like a V. Got you. But she let it grow full. So it looked like a kid in play almost. Ooh, that was kind of nice. You don't mean that. I don't. Yeah. But I didn't, I, I, it's one of those things where you like, it's like the girl with the arm print hair. I was like, ooh, but then I was like, I kind of like it. If you 69 though, it does lay nice on your chin. Yeah. And you can put stuff in it like pens. That's true. You can put pens in it. You can put your keys. Yeah. Or maybe one of those like sandwich swords. I'm just thinking, I love his brainstorming. If I could get my full patch back, I would just let it grow. Like grow full. Like a 70s? Yeah, I would just let it go. Really? Yeah. I'd let it go. Jacob, when he said he shaves a little bit of the fucking top too, that's impressive. That's when you don't have to, I have to let the, it looks like the hair comes out from underneath my belly is how it has to go. I can't, if I shave the top of that, it's too much flesh between belly button and dick. Not a shave. How old are you now? 72. How old are you now? 48. Do you have the random hairs that grow out of your dick, like an inch or two down? Oh, an inch? Oh, underneath? At the base. Like not on the base. You know how glad I am he didn't say out of the p-hole, I was gonna not be his friend. Like at first, like the last two inches is like, I have to trim those back. It's growing up. Yeah, it's going toward the head. Very slight, that's not what I have. Is underneath the head, when I'm shaving on notice, like, you know, a dog has a couple, just like little three hairs here. I get those like a half inch, three quarters of an inch down from my dick head, underneath my dick head. Like a Chinese grandmother. Yes. Yes. You know what I have? I actually. They're gone, they're never there because I get rid of them, but if I don't get rid of them, they'll be there. Have you guys ever had a tooth grow out of the p-hole? No. No, I never have. Okay, me neither then. Oh, shit. I'm not opening up to you ever again. Talk about burgers, you fucking shape me. No, we've never had that, you freak. You know what I got though? A nice urethra. Franklin? What's the word you just said? Urethra? Urethra. There you go. There you go. Oh, you know what I meant. Yeah, R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me. I have a nice p-hole. I have a nice size p-hole. I don't like a penis. All right, someone interrupt us before he gets this. I don't like a penis with a big hole. Back me up, Christine. Wait, guys have different sized p-holes? That's what I would have said. Oh, yeah. That's the thing I would have said. No, there's guys. I've never noticed the p-holes. I was watching a porn the other day. Because I'm into this friend's wife gives massage thing. She's a real massage therapist. Okay, weirdo sitting next to your friend and his wife. She gives good massages, Jay. I don't know what to tell you. Or your creep. Yeah, whatever, dude. Whatever we do, man. He's the lead singer of Exodus. He doesn't care. He just wanted to tell me to do it. But we have a drawing if you want to see it. Yes. Okay, he drew us last time we did it. It's beautiful. No, yeah, there was this. So the guy pulled, you know, he had the towel on and she's rubbing and then it swaps off. And she kind of looks at it like, oh God, p-hole huge, big p-hole. Stan Holt told me something about that. There's a certain part of the gay community that bores that hole out so they can fuck the holes. Put shit in it? No, they can fuck the holes. What? Yeah. Wait a minute. Stan Holt told me the story. Oh, that must be gospel. A guy who lives in a commune compound? Hey, man, you ever fucking know that gay guys brought their dick holes out so they can fuck you? A guy who lives just two people on a compound for a cult? Oh, now that I said it out loud, oh yeah. Yeah, because Doug Stenow said there is aliens, so that's not even talking about it anymore. Yeah, yeah. There was five people on the grassy lawn, Doug Stenow told me. Doug Stenow said that. He said he has pictures somewhere. I can't believe I said it out loud and didn't figure that out. Yeah, they have different. He said he has pictures somewhere in his house, he'll find them. Like your p-hole would be a different size than my p-hole, is a different size. I would imagine Rob has a big p-hole. Powerful. I don't know. I think it's a fucking average fucking p-hole. Yeah, I think my dick hole is just regular old dick hole. Yeah, I got a nice one and it shuts. Some guys' p-holes are open. Have you ever gone and take a piss and then have it just go fucking sideways because it wasn't open all the way? Of course. Yeah, when you have sex the night before you masturbate, the next day it's sealed shut. So you got to pee that seal open. Yeah. Or you put on a warm compress after sex like I always do. Oh, really? Yeah, treat yourself nice. Is that what the towel, the face cloths for? Little guy worked hard. Son of a bitch, did we have to do? When you have sex, do you clean up like fully? Do you shower? Do you make sure everything's off you? All the sex is off you? Just go right to bed. Right to bed. I can go pretty right to bed. Right to bed. I like to get it off. I like to get it off. I mean, it depends what's happened. Anal. With a guy. Oh, yeah, I'm going to rinse that off. Right to bed. Yeah, OK. I'm sorry. Right to bed. I didn't give you guys the answer. Right to bed for you? Right to bed. Right to bed. I'm going to hot shower. I'm going to hot shower thing. It's one of those things. The shower's going. I'm just hugging my knees and making a face. And then you start seeing that starts becoming like pink water, starts coming out from underneath me going into the drain. Pink and brown. Yeah, yeah. It was like this. I need to rinse this one off of me. And the pink's from the pee hole because that's where I fucked you. My giant fucking bored out pee hole. Because it doesn't stand hope sets off. Yeah. And that's what it says in the steam on the window. It says, Stan Hope was right. Luke, can you find out if that's a thing? If Stan Hope is insane or is that really a thing? Well, I mean, you don't have to ask that question. I don't know if you know if that's a thing. Flamin' Bob Dandy. Flamin' that. Yeah. It's Bobby's new drag character. Nice. He's pretty much hitting the circuit. Hey, boys. Guess who's at Skankfest this year? Working in the little room. But it's always a big room when I'm here. It's Flamin' Bob Dandy. Girl, girl, girl, girl, boy, boy, boy, boy. We're here. We're queer. Flamin' Bob Dandy. Flamin' Bob Dandy. You are going to make a bazillion dollars with Flamin' Bob Dandy. Fucking great song, by the way. Absolutely. I researched this. Some individuals, including some gay men, engage in a practice known as urethral sounding or p-hole play, which involves inserting tools or rods into the urethra for sexual pleasure. The urethra? What is it called? What was it? It's urethral sounding. That's the name of the term. It's urethral. Not urethral. No, urethra is the thing. Yeah, urethra is the thing. But it's urethral playing. Urethral. Urethral. Urethral. It's a roll. So, the stand-off was right. Now, let me tell you this though. You have a masturbate with shampoo, and some of it gets in your p-hole, and it fucking burns when you take a piss. I think I did. I think my trying to jerk off with household fluids were over long with real young kids. Yeah, when I was younger, I jerked off with Brett. Remember Brett? I was a pearl guy. I went to Pantene, didn't work. That was a condition of ant-shampoo in one. Oh, I'll tell you what you don't want to get in your dick. Selcen blue. Yikes. You might as well just fucking smoke a new port with your dick-hole. I mean, that's gonna fucking hurt. Oh my god. I made sure I never had dandruff again in my life because of the pain that would cause my skin when it ran off. It's like fire. But god damn, I've never had... It's talking about if- Afrin, which I know is evil, but like, talk about something that does the job it's supposed to do. Did you jerk off with Afrin? No. But Selcen blue, when I was a kid, at one point, comically, almost like the breakfast club girl, I was able to sit one time. I was like doing homework and I was able to like, from all that the dippity-do and shit I put in my hair, I had like a crust layer on my hair and it was a problem. And my mom was like, I'll get you Selcen blue and put it on. And it felt, I combed, I wet my hair, combed it, put that on. It felt like hot lava on my head. And I've never had dandruff again a day in my life. Ever again. Yeah, I had to use Selcen blue for a minute too. I think young boys, I don't know if we wash our hair. If you do a bunch of product too. Yeah, that's it, we get that dandruff. I was in school one day just scratching my head and I looked down at my desk and it looked like a snow storm. Well, it got to the point where I was like, I was like, well, I gotta solve this, I know. But that day that I was discovering this, I was like, I'm gonna sit here for the next 45 minutes though and pull all, because it was like very satisfying and like a glue off your fingers, way. Oh, I made a snowman. Yeah. But I mean, it was so gross, but that's Selcen blue. Mother fuck. Yeah, I jerked off of it. I jerked off a shampoo and if it goes in your pee hole just a little bit, then when you gotta go pee later, it's like somebody stabbing your dick with a knife. So I couldn't imagine boring out your penis and putting another penis in there. Must hurt. So, yeah. Was that all to get to the fact that it would probably hurt to have your penis hole bored out? And then feel wonderful. Is it? It's kind of like, you know, the dudes make the ears. All that to get to that, Jay. Like, you know how the people stretch their ears out? It's the same fucking thing, right? I like dramatic pauses. Says it involves using sterile lubricated metal or glass tools. So you can't use a rusty wrench or something like that? Oh, yeah. No rusty nails at all? Yeah. Go sterile? Okay, this time we'll go sterile. So we can't get a bottle off the street and just break it and use that? Is that what you're saying? No. Hey, bore out my dick hole with this fucking rusty nail, please. Hey, you see that dead pigeon clock? Can you hand that to me for a second? I don't want to bore out my pee hole for Jay. I'm trying to, can we see if we can find a picture or a video of this happening? Because I will say, the idea of this is like, and I'm not, I'm never going to compliment my own dick. And it's almost the point I'm making. My dick, particularly, I don't think I got, there's a dick out there that's dick hole could get big enough. There's some dick holes. Like, you'd have to get the dick hole, like, you ever try to put your dick in a paper towel roll or a toilet paper roll? Yesterday. Yeah. Yeah. It ain't going in. You think it's going to go in. It seems like it's going to go in because a toilet paper on you, but it's not. It doesn't go in. Mine did. Ah, shit. God damn it, Jay. Christine, go to video, please. You make this fucking day worse, can you? Christine, we have a video? Why don't you just take my sneakers off from asshole? Bob, you need me to hold you from behind so you don't fall forward to those things. These shoes are launching in with every step. This is awful. Okay. Yeah. All right, what are we? Oh! All right. All right, don't wait. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, God! I pulled it away. You guys want to see it. First of all, stop, stop. Pause, pause, pause, pause. We're looking at what I can only say is an average penis. And they're sticking a wire with a bigger, I would say, like some type of bigger... Christine, God damn it. ...piece at the end of it down the penis, and you can see the actual... Oh, God. You can see the wire coming up and down the penis. It's like he's literally plunging the penis hole all the way down to the balls with the thing. Do you remember the scene in The Matrix when Neo has the tracker in his belly, but this one's in his peal? Picture that in the somebody's peal. Yeah, this is like when Schwarzenegger tried to pull the tracker out of his nose in total recall. Oh, she's doing it. Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Now this girl... Christine, you'd suck. Hang on, hang on, stop. Pause it. Just pause it, pause it. Oh, my God. We have to describe this for Jim. Sorry, Jim, listen, please quickly. Yeah, please, Jay, describe it for Jim. There's a girl... X that up. I think it's a girl. It's a girl. Yeah. All right, it's a girl and she's plunging like a... I don't know, it's like a fucking Blizzard Spoon straw. Actually, it looks like Harry Potter's wand. It could be Harry Potter's magical wand. Yeah. Or something... I'm thinking maybe something from the Harry Potter gift store or something. Is he the Slytherin or it's Hop-Hop-Hop-Hop-Hop. It's Hop-Hop-Hop-Hop or Slytherin for sure. I don't know, I'm a muggle, but this... It is making me fucking gag. Oh, but she's cramming this magical instrument. Stay in it, Jay, stay in it. She's sowing major disrespect for the craft. And she's using it to simply put... Oh, he's gonna... Oh, he's... He's uncircumcised. He's uncircumcised. Oh, that's the grossest part now. Oh my God, I'd rather get my dick whole fucked and be uncircumcised. Ew. It's disgusting. Put that on a t-shirt. I'd rather get my dick whole fucked than be uncircumcised. Put that right next to DJ Lou's shirts. Please. Fucking Stan Hope. Oh, god. Yeah, but... So... This guy does, though, at least have the class to shave his dick hair off. So you can't identify him. You can. Um... By the way, I gotta tell you. I gotta tell you what. What? He's taking it great. How do you know? You can't see his face. He may be screaming his leg in the other day. His legs are totally still. Yeah, but he might have be strapped down. No, look. You can see he wasn't strapped down. Why don't you see it? Do it with a guy's face in it. It's called... Oh, wait a minute. Go to that one. Oh, this one actually, they're gonna pull it out. They're gonna pull it out. Oh, there's ponies. Oh, yeah, it's going in. Yeah, it's going in. It's going in. It's going in. Alakazam! Wait a minute. Wait a minute. That wasn't a pee hole. That's what she was trying to find it. He might have two pee holes. There's a rare thing where guys have two pee holes. He's magical like a unicorn? He has not two pee holes. It's his extended pee hole. Starts low now. I can't believe I brought this up. Well, what if they pull it out and something comes out with it? What if it's a medical procedure? Oh, that'd be cool. What if he pulls it out and it's a watch? Well, what if it's like a cricket that is like your conscience? Come on the face of it. It's a cricket. Yeah, it just tells you. Hey, you shouldn't be doing this. God hates this. Miss Jeff managed. Oh, God, dude. Wow. Sorry, Potter. You know, Stan Holt told me that and I never thought to go look. Yeah, well, you don't have a radio show. You have to fill in for fucking an hour and 45 every day. Yeah, well, I do. We're almost through the first hour. All we've done is look at this guy's dick. Hold it. I can't wait to talk about this tomorrow on stage at the Walmart. Have you guys ever talked about it in your dicks? You guys on the left hold the stick. You guys on the right get your dicks. Wait, wait, now. Not until I say urethral sounding. Urethral sounding. Fuck your dick. Fuck your fucking dick hole. So much better than one of those shirts that were John Lennon's wearing. Fuck your fucking dick hole. You didn't remember John Lennon wore that strawberry field? Christine, did you find if P-holes are bigger than others? Yeah, I said that they're different sizes. Did you ever find a big one? Find the biggest P-hole you can find? I think the big ones are ones that have been stretched out with But no, guys are natural. Natural dick holes. Just right in the word natural and you'll find the answer to your question. Me, I can hold an Indian head penny in mind. Jacob, we'll go around the room. I think Jacob could maybe do a Kennedy half dollar. Maybe a toothpick. I mean, I'm, I just got a little teeny pee hole. Really? Jacob, a dreidel stem? I don't think about it. I don't know, Mel, Mel, is my P-hole is normal, right? It's tiny, yeah. You got a tiny pee hole? Tiny P-hole. Why do you just know you make little sissies? Fuckin'- I don't know, I sit when I pee, so I don't know. Robby sounds like a broken sprinkler. I have taken, by the way, talk about sitting when you pee. I don't sit when I pee, but I will, I've taken two and I think some people have admitted this too, have been like, you're not supposed to use it like that. But I have now, after I go to my full morning bathroom routine, it seems like that's the setting on the thing. I shoot that per day. I mean, I take a good pint of it up my asshole. Yeah. And kind of like gargle it. Yeah. And then fire out what would have been a later on the day shit, I believe. Oh yeah, dude. I call it mining the shit. Isn't that what you're supposed to do? Yeah, you're supposed to mine it. Yeah. Yeah. But I say to the people, like, no, it's just for cleaning. No. No. I actually learned to open my asshole like a dolphin hole. I found that I have to. You can hear my asshole go. Yeah. Me too. But it's like, I have to lean forward. I snake like this a little bit. And then eventually I find that there it is. And I have to be like a little like this. I'm holding a laptop, watching like. The sound goes like this. It goes like this. And then you when it's overflowing goes. Yeah. Mine goes like this at the end. You're an animal. Look at that dick hole. That's gross. No, I would say if I opened my dick hole, it would look like the one on the right over there. That one looks like a turtle mouth. Yeah. My dick head, if I open the head up, it looks like the little tiny screaming mouths coming out of Freddy's body in that one. You are all my children now. Or remember the little worm in Sesame Street that they would go like that with? Never his little mouth? Yeah. Christine, bring it back up. Let me see this. Show me a, don't show me a, like a dead person's one. Show me a real guy's pee hole. Yeah. You showing cadaver dicks over there? Yeah, there's like dead gray dicks you bought up. I mean, we want to see that. Well, she's desperate to use this new subscription she got. I said, you're never going to look at cadaver dicks for the rest of your life for fucking $5.99 a month. And she goes, you'll be surprised. Yeah. And here we go. Now she's trying to push it on us, so we're all in. Yeah. Take that up with rocket money. That's not my problem. Come on. Extreme monster. Just bring it up. Ah! What? What? That's not good enough. Oh, scroll down. Oh, that. We just put in a fucking pen. We just put a sharpie in this dick. Yeah, there you go. Oh my god. I don't like those. Come to the London, the Aitians. Peel the karaoke. You never pee hole karaoke before? We should do that. We should do that. We should get a... Oh my god. Wow. Yeah. By the way, I love when people are doing cock and ball torture themselves, but casually doing something else. This guy's like, look, he's like, he's like looking through like a menu at a Chinese restaurant or something over the right. He's like, no, I'm just scrapped up in my ball bag and fucking my own dick hole. He goes, and I'm thinking my guy goop hand. Do you know, I'm going to treat myself. Do you know, how hungry you get when you do a clock torture? He's like, sorry, because my dick is all purple and discombobulated. And also, ooh, the new architectural digest just came in. Because his dicks, his dicks were in a tuxedo right now. Man, I have no, I'd tell you what it ever is. And I know Lewis is mildly in like chicks like smacking around and shit a little bit. Like he's not into like vicious stuff, but like I'd never understood the... Can't do it. The torture stuff or the... I don't even like, I've had a handful of girls in my life go and think that I want my nips cracked. And I'm like, I know I'm apparently the only white person you've ever had sex with, but I don't like that. I hate it. We were outside after the rags yesterday. Crankin' nips. Me and Lewis were out front smoking a cigar and just some kind of hot middle-aged woman walks up and she's like, can I ask you a question? And if I was... I'm a comedy special and I'm going to name it like the dominatrix mama or something like that. Do you think that's a good name? And I was like, it was weird, weird that she just came up. But I guess she knew who he were and she was like, well, do you do comedy? She's, yeah, I'm a comedian. And I go, you have a special coming out? And she's like, yeah, I go, were you a dominatrix? She goes, yeah, I was a dominatrix. I'll dom you. I go, I'll hit you. I just walked away. I'm going to let you fucking dom me. I've just never gotten... I'm not into being like... Like I get for a second, if you like tied up for a minute and a girl blew you, like, sure, I get. But like the whole... Like having sex and the whole thing, I mean, after about five minutes of all of them, I'm going to go like, all right. Like unstrap me. I did it. Let's fuck regular. I dated a dom girl back in Boston. She was into it. And I was a girl named Dom. No, that was a guy named Dom that turned into a girl. When we domed. Named Richard. Weird. Yeah, it was weird. She made a lot of strange choices. And he was black. She became a girl named Dick. He was a black guy named Richard. Weird. No, but she did that. She put me in handcuffs one night and then she started slapping my face. And I had to kind of manipulate her to get me out of the handcuffs. And then as soon as I got him out, I put her in the handcuffs and then I left her in my room for an hour. I love that. Yeah, I just walked away. I go, now you sit. Now that whole hour, I assume you were heating up a hanger on the stove to go in there and show her who's who. Now I just used an iron. Nice. Yeah, it was quicker. Yeah, it is quicker, but you're not going to be able to get the, it's going to be hard to do double Ks with an iron. You know what I mean? Figure the zipper with the fucking hanger. I did make a... Did you have a safe word? I made a butterfly on her back with the iron. Did you have a safe word? Yeah, it was called stop it, bitch. This hurts. Stop slapping me in the face. I was abused as a young boy. This doesn't feel good. Well, Bobby has too many words. By the time you get to the end of that, she's already going to stuff your own underwear in your mouth. So there is no safe word. You have to pick a smaller word, man. I do like dominant. I do like an aggressive girl, though. I don't like being hit or strangled. I really don't like doing that to a girl. My safe word is Matumbo's actual name. Yeah. Scumble a humbler. Humbler to humbler to hay. To humbler to humbler to humbler to humbler to hay. To maca-maca-baca-butumbo. Yeah, I do like aggressive girls. I like a girl who's like, give me that fucking... I'm going to put that there. With that voice? Yeah, like this way. I like mumbling. I like mumbling sex. Have you tried that? What do you mean? She's just come off a fucking fishing boat. Hey, we're going to need a bigger boat. Hey, I got land. Love every one. Come back here and eat my goddamn fishy-bob. Actually getting head from Popeye. And then she sticks a spinach can in my pijail. That's my thing. Popeye became... Remember he just became public domain like kind of recently and they just started making... There's four Popeye horror movies. Oh my God, I just saw that. I'm going to do that. There's like four of them. I flipped out. I'm like, they made a horror movie with Popeye. Like three? Yeah. No less than three. Yeah, there's three. There may be more. Popeye the Slayer, man. Popeye's Revenge and Shiver Me Timbers. That's so wild. Who's playing Popeye? Just somebody? Yeah. What? You think these are theater movies? It's not Matt. He's playing me. I heard fucking Tom Hardy's taking a shot. I swear to God, I thought it was Matthew McConaughey playing Popeye. I think it was Val Kilmer's final role. That's how we got cancer? I got cancer from the prosthetics. No, from talking like this. Then they did esteemboat Willie. They did esteemboat Willie ones and DeRosa's in the end of the trailer. Oh, is he? Yeah. As what? A guy covered in blood going, whoa. That's really it. That's a Friday night for DeRosa. Yeah. What happened? Why me? Tony, how'd I get here? They say Tony Hinchcliff and now number two in line is Joe DeRosa from Possible Person to be the Austin, Texas serial killer. I hope it is Joe. Isn't that still going on, right? Yeah. Do you also think serial killer? I hope it's Joe. But it's more than likely. Also, they say just drunk gay guys falling down a ravine because they refuse to put. I think they're like, if you guys are going to want to walk home, don't get so drunk, you're going to fall on the ravine. They're not putting up a fence. They were actually, there was a thing about a lot of gay guys were getting sick. They were getting like dysentery or whatever that is. And they were like, oh my God, somebody was poisoning the gay guys. Then they realized that it's just because they're eating so much ass. They didn't put two in together, they eat ass and there's poop in there and they were getting sick from other people's poop. These guys are being murdered by eating other people's shit. He goes, no, he got murdered after he happily ate someone else's shit. I didn't know there was supposedly a serial killer in Austin. How many people? Well, 11. That's pretty convenient the way he said that, isn't it? And just so you know, it's definitely Kurt Mesker, Tony Hinchcliff. I think it might be Jacob. Wasn't Jacob away a couple of weeks ago? You two always go to Florida, but there's no evidence you're in Florida. Yeah, we never see him in Florida. You never have a tan, you never show me your dick hair. Yeah, he's in a room full of dolls. It might be Jacob. I'll go as far as I say, it's more than likely Jacob. I would say that. Convince me out of it. Convince me it's not you starting from it's 100% you. Now, go. With no thought or prep, convince me it's not you because in my mind, it's definitely you. I bet you somebody was murdered last week when Jacob was in Florida. You know he loves walking along the river. Oh, dude, I want you to do a real lawn order one too. Take a look at this picture. Have you seen this person? I go, no, I never seen him. He goes, hey, look, it's a six year old girl. And then I go, she came in yesterday. She was wearing a flower dress. She said something about going to the mall with her family. I don't know. Beyond that's all I got. That's every episode I've ever done a lawn order. You didn't know anything two seconds ago. All right. She said her name was this and her biggest fears were that. That's all of them. Yeah. The guy she was with, he looked like he was taking a kid napton. He had a green car. I wrote down his license plate just in case. Procedural television. We got to make it happen. We got to take a break. Was that a little you want to snap my dick in half? I told you I'm not into that kind of shit. Oh, where's my dick hole? Bobby, look at this. Wow. Hang on. Let me see it. Open it up here. Let me clear out the hole. Let me see. Ooh. Wow. That's my hammer of the gods. Watch this. Watch this. Oh, look at that. Suck our dicks, train. Train can cover Zeppelin all day. It's now going to be good for me and Bobby's dick hole covers. We could do a Patreon. Dick hole covers of Led Zeppelin songs. Yeah. Come on. And if you get it. All right, Jacob. Just nod your head and don't say you want to produce it and you're out. Gone. And when that gets bigger than the bonfire, I will walk away from this place and watch it burn. Jacob has. You can have it. Hello, Cool J. Jacob has gay eyes to kill an Austin. Too busy. He's too busy to worry about this. We got Rob. We got Rob back. Yeah. We got Rob Dukes in studio. He's going to be the Wellmont Theater in Montclair, New Jersey tomorrow night, April 29th. Tickets go to Exodus Attack.com. We'll be right back. Because you bought your robot vacuum on your Barclay card, you got 0% interest for up to 24 months, which makes watching it hypnotically sweeping up your crumbs even more satisfying. Oh, Mr. Bit, what you buy is your business. Helping you pay less interest is ours. Barclay card backing your future. Subject to financial status, new customers only. 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