Epilogue - Reaching Back

Hello, my strange and unusual listeners, both old and new. I don't know that I ever expected to be recording this, but there's so much about the last 10 years that I haven't expected. when I started the bright sessions back in 2015 I was a lonely anxious 20-something who just wanted to make something that could express a little bit of that much to my shock not only did these amazing actors I knew agree to be in it but then you listened a lot of you listened and so many of you were anxious and lonely too or sad or scared or happy or lost or every emotion a human can have and you found yourselves in what we were making. I love this show that we made and I always knew that when I put down the pen I wouldn't pick it up again unless I really wanted to. I cared too much about what you've made of this story since you picked it up to add to it willy-nilly. But then as I was putting together the Bright Sessions compendium for our 10th anniversary this 130-page book that you can get your very own copy of I struggled to write the intro. How do I sum up a decade of feelings about this story and the life it's lived beyond my computer? Before I knew it, I was writing this epilogue down. I normally wouldn't give this much of a preamble before an episode, but I do want to be clear. This isn't the show coming back or the start of something new. It's a reflection, a little cherry on top of the seven seasons we loved making. And most of all, it's a love letter to you. I hope you enjoy it. I hope it makes you feel warm and fuzzy to hear Julia as Dr. Bright again in the same way that it did for me. And if you're curious about what comes next for me and for atypical artists, stay tuned through the credits. But now and forever, stay strange. This new case is tricky. The young ones always are. Fourteen, going into ninth grade, manifested an ability two months ago. Why am I pretending like I have to anonymize? Her name is Keefe, and she can manipulate somatic systems. Mostly, she's just occasionally tripping people on accident, but God knows what's possible. And, of course, the more stressed or emotionally dysregulated she becomes, the worse it gets. And there's nothing more stressful than being 14. Caleb gave me some good advice about it the other day. He might be past his teenage years now, but 26 is still far closer to 14 than I am. And he's always good with the finer points of emotionality, of course. Oh, that's some news. Caleb's roommates, Frankie and Caitlin, are engaged. The four of them have been crammed into that tiny place in Queens forever, but I have no idea if they'll change things up when they're married. Caleb and Adam haven't seemed to mind having roommates as a young married couple, and it's not like they can afford anything else in New York, though who knows how long they'll be there. Adam is still determined to make assistant editor before he's 30, but I think the city can be a bit much for Caleb sometimes. Anyway, I don't know Frankie and Caitlin very well, but I'm happy for them. And I know you didn't know them at all. Maybe you wouldn't care they're engaged. But I think you would. Because they're important to Caleb. And because I've told you plenty about them. And you always did love a love story. Always such a romantic. They'll be spending Christmas with their families up here, Caleb and Adam, that is, so we'll be doing our usual get-together on the 26th. Thankfully, Oliver is off his vegan kick, so he won't transmute the turkey into tofu like he did last year. I like tofu just fine, but it still had a faint turkey taste, and that's just... No, it was not good. A year in and I'm astonished he and Mark haven't melted their house. Of all the people Mark has brought home, Oliver means well, mostly. Mark's gallery showing went great, by the way. I know you would have been wondering. He sold three photographs night of, so he's pretty pleased. And then Sam bought four more and gave them to me, Chloe, Caleb, and Oliver, shockingly. I'm pretty sure it's on the wall of his office, probably because Mark never goes to the university and won't find out Oliver has actually publicly declared some kind of human connection. I mean, he barely lets his students know his first name. He's not about to let them in on who his boyfriend is. Or whatever Oliver would call Mark. I'm not sure I've ever heard him use any particular word. Let's see, what else? Chloe was at the gallery, of course She'd never miss an art show, even with how much she's been traveling And she brought along an absolutely beautiful painting of Frank's Something Sam commissioned despite the fact that Frank has plenty of work already I think she doesn't always know how to express her love in other ways And she has all that money to burn, so... She and Max broke up about three weeks ago. Actually, a few days after I was last here, so a little more than three weeks, I guess. Sam has been staying with me. Mags moved out of their house last week, but Sam... I think she can't be alone right now. I understand that. Sometimes I wonder... I see her. See how badly she wants to make things work. She and Mags tried so hard, did all the right things, went to couples counseling, but in the end, they just weren't happy. Or not happy in the right way. They're still friends, and if Sam and Mark's relationship is anything to go by, I imagine they'll remain so. But Mags wanted a family. Sam... Sam couldn't do that with her. With anyone. She's always known that. And there's nothing to be done about it. One of those horrible realities of life in which no one does anything wrong, but it still doesn't work out. I think maybe that would have been our downfall. If you hadn't hid the fact that my brother was imprisoned, that is. I'm not sure we would have lasted anyway. or maybe I'm just looking for excuses. You would have been a wonderful father, Owen. But I'm not sure I would have been a wonderful mother. I'm not sure I would have wanted to be any kind of mother. I certainly don know what to do with this patient It been some time since I had someone so young in my office and I so petrified of saying the wrong thing and setting her on a path that she can turn back from I know that I'm catastrophizing, but sometimes it's hard to forget all the things I've done that have had permanent consequences in people's lives. Some of that consequence has been positive. I think much of it has, in fact. But it's a lot to carry, knowing that the things I say can have that much of an impact. Sometimes I get paralyzed by it. And I don't know what to say to a 14-year-old girl that worries about putting her family and friends in grave physical danger. I think it's particularly scary because I know there is a right thing to say, or maybe several right things. But what if I choose wrong? You've always been good with kids. But I don't know, maybe you wouldn't know what to say either. I still wish I could talk to you about it. you would always talk about how that wasn't your job that your job was spreadsheets and forms but you'd be able to make this girl feel calm I know you would anyway she's gone through the main outpatient program at the AM so she's in a good starting place at least Jackson's brought on a new assistant director and things seem to be going smoothly as ever I'm still there a few times a month but being back in private practice suits me, I think I've been having a hard enough time being there some days, even before you well that building just isn't my favorite place even if it's still filled with some of my favorite people oh, speaking of well, not favorite people, but the AM Ellie's wedding invitation arrived the other day. Can you believe that? She actually invited me. I don't know yet if I'm going to go. I've never met her fiancé, but based on everything I've read about her in the news, well, they're going to be quite the DC power couple. At least Ellie seems to have continued on the better path she started on after everything that happened with Helen. You... What happened to you changed her. Changed. She's up for parole, Helen. I... I've known for months, but I haven't known how to tell you. I think you... Well, it feels absurd to say, but I think you'd be pleased. The new mandate that Ellie put forward, all the work that Jackson and Sam did in the aftermath, that's how it's supposed to work. The AM is supposed to help reform people, even murderers, and integrate them back into society and be a safe, humane place for those who can never reintegrate. And apparently, Helen has shown enough remorse, has proved herself to not be a threat, at least enough for them to consider releasing her, but I... I'm not pleased, Owen. I trust Ellie's judgment on it, strangely enough, but what Helen did to Andrea, what she did to you... I've never been good at forgiveness. What you did, keeping Mark like that, hiding it from me while we were what we were. For so long, I felt that was unforgivable. but then you... You did everything you could. Eventually you did everything you could to make things okay. And I still didn't forgive you. Not until that very last moment. And that... That wasn't enough. It doesn't feel like enough. and how am I supposed to forgive you now that you're gone? How am I supposed to thank you? You're probably shaking your head wherever you are, if you're anywhere, and asking, what do you have to thank me for? But Owen, you were the proof I needed. that people can change, that making a mistake, hurting other people, that doesn't have to be the end of someone's potential for goodness. You changed. You chose to change. And it doesn't erase the bad you did, but that's not the point. And you never asked for that. Once you understood the broken system you were supporting, once you made the choice to try and change, You never once asked me to forgive and forget. I have all these people now, this community, this family. And I don't deserve them. Or I'm still having a hard time believing I deserve them. I'm trying. I've been trying. Sam? up? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you. Just you've got your flowers in the car and Oh, thank you. I just figured you'd want. Yes, I do. Thank you. Yeah, of course. You saw your parents? Yeah. If you want to visit with. No, no, no. I don't want to get in your way. I can just wait by the car. You're not getting in my way. I was just... Well, I was talking to him. Giving him the update, as I always do. Yeah, I do that too. Really? With both him and my parents. I don't come as frequently as you, which... Maybe I should. I don't know. Where had you gotten in the update? The self-flagellation portion. Ah, yes. A crucial step in the grieving process. Oh, don't you give me that look. You're trying to tell me you're not doing the same with your parents every time you visit? Well, sure, but... You know, I had this therapist who'd probably tell me to stop blaming myself for something I had no control over. Yeah, she sounds full of it. Joan! No, I know, I know. Do you ever think about the day you first came into my office? Um, yeah, sometimes. Why? I've been thinking a lot about that time those years after I found out about Mark before I met you before we got him out all that time seeing Owen whenever the AM wanted to taunt me with a check-in and being so furious with him I could feel it in my teeth those were the loneliest years of my life I think I'd been lonely before but that was I didn't know a person could feel that lonely and still be alive Yeah, I know what you mean I sorry Sam It not your fault that I was lonely No I sorry for the way I treated you when you first came to me Pushing you the way I did manipulating you for my own selfish reasons You were trying to save your brother. That's not selfish. You needed someone you could trust. And I broke that trust. Why on earth are you thinking about that now? It's ancient history. We've talked about it. I haven't... Joan, I don't care. I would say that I forgive you for it, but that would imply I was ever really that angry about it. You weren't? There was too much going on in my head at the time to really be angry with you. And then you told me why you did what you did, and... I don't know, Joan, I... I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of. I haven't lived up to the person that I want to be. At least not yet, not fully, but... I'm getting there. And I'm getting there because of you. I haven't been your therapist in almost ten years, Sam. No, but you've been my family. And you... Well, I don't know that I ever really told you what you did for me back then. What do you mean? it was a last-ditch effort coming to you things had gotten bad the panic attacks it was debilitating and other than darwin i didn't and i didn't know what to do i knew i couldn't go to a therapist or a hospital because who would believe me. And I just... I couldn't take it anymore, so I started... Well, I made a plan. Sam. But then I saw your ad in the paper, and I thought, well, what the hell, right? I've got nothing to lose. So I made an appointment, and then You believed me. You helped me. I betrayed your trust when you were at your most vulnerable. You reached back. Right then, at the very limit of what I could take, all I could do was try to reach out, grab hold of something, anything. And you reached back and you held on. And I'll never really be able to thank you for that. You don't need to thank me for that. Why didn't you... I mean, you could have told me that that's where you were at back then. I know, but I didn't know how to talk about it. Mark knew a little, but honestly, I still don't know how to talk about it. Max could probably write a dissertation on the things I don't know how to talk about. But you're not still... No, no, no, no. I've... I've felt a lot of things these last ten years, and... a lot of it bad. But I haven't felt that again. I'm still holding on, you know. I know. I am too. Maybe a little too tightly. I probably should move out of your guest room. Ah, no rush. How are you doing with all of that? Um, I think I should know by now that family is never going to look the way I expect. I still love Mags. I'll always love Mags. Just like I'll always love Mark. But I don't know. I don't know that I need that particular kind of relationship in my life. I'm not sure I want it. Or at least it's not as important as the relationships I have with Mark and Mags now. Or the relationship I'm hoping to have with Mags. Like, with Mark. I love that no matter what, I'm still one of his people. And he's mine. We're still partners in some kind of way. And I think... I hope I can have that with Max. Does that make sense? It very much does. Do you think... Do I think what? No, never mind. Come on, Sam. We don't do that. It's not a lighthearted question. This isn't a particularly lighthearted conversation. Fair enough. Do you think you and Owen would have... I mean, if he hadn't... Ah. That question. Yeah. I'm honestly surprised it took you this long to ask it. I didn't want to, you know. I know. But you wouldn't have been bringing up anything I wasn't already thinking about. And where have your thoughts taken you? They have yet to settle on a particular answer. Hear that, Green? You weren't totally out of the game. Ugh. You know, one of the last... Well, I guess the last conversation he and I had, just the two of us, he was happy for you. Seeing you and Jackson connecting, he wanted you to be happy. Jackson and I tried, Sam. I care for him deeply, but... No, no, that's not what I'm trying to say. I don't know. He just... He loved you, Sam. I know. I'm not saying this right. Yes, in all the tangled, complicated, romantic ways that you're thinking of, he loved you. But also... He loved you in a really simple, uncomplicated kind of way, too. The kind of love that makes you want to see the person happy, even if you have nothing to do with it. unselfish, I guess. I'm still trying to figure that bit out for myself. You're not selfish for not wanting a family, Sam. I know. But I'm still... I don't know, Joan. Yeah, remembering that day I first came into your office, it's easy for me to think, wow, Sam, you did it. You got better. You got so much better. And I do. I think that a lot. But then I look at other parts of my life, or I realize I still do a certain thing or am a certain way, and I think, God, I haven't changed at all. I'm not fixed. I'm barely better. I just keep failing. Never mind. I don't know how I got on this. This place always puts me in a weird headspace. You know, I guess I said something to Rose once. I don't really remember saying it, to be honest. I've said a thousand different things to a thousand different patients through the years, and I meant them all. And in those moments, they were the most important things I'd ever said. But, well, things start to blur eventually. I think that's normal. Maybe. But I guess just because you say something that's part of a normal day for you, it doesn't mean it's not important and rare for someone else. Rose. Right. She sent me a postcard two months ago from Santa Fe. Oh, right. She just opened up a restaurant there, didn't she? For the third time I guess the restaurant business is fickle But she wanted to tell me about this new venture and she wrote that she often thinks of what I said to her back when she first came in back when she was struggling with her ability What did you say? As long as we keep trying, we don't fail. That's all it is, Sam. Nothing gets fixed, not really, not permanently. But the trying becomes a little easier. Is it easier for you? Sometimes. Every time I come here, talking to him is a little easier. It doesn't hurt less, but it does get easier. I should let you get back to it. Oh, you don't have to. I'm going to swing by my folks again. I forgot to tell them about Adam's new book. Ah. Yeah, I think they'd get a kick out of it. Who knew that being able to time travel would lead to consulting on a book your friend is editing? A sensitivity reader for a thing that the author doesn't even think is real. Strange world we live in. Yeah. But I wouldn't change it. I'll see you later, Owen. Yeah, I'll see you later. You know you're not far from them, Sam's parents. I can see them from here. I think it's comforting to Sam that you're close together. I wish Andrea was here. I mean, not really. She's where she wanted to be. But California is so far and sometimes... Maybe we'll take a trip one of these days. Escape Boston when the short days get too hard to bear. We're creeping toward that time already. Not even 5.30 and already the sun is on its way down. Eight years, Owen. Eight years and 19 days. There are some days when I feel like it happened a week ago. And some days when I have a hard time remembering what life was like before it. You changed my life. Not always for the better, but that's true for so many people in our lives. But I'm so glad I got to know you. Even if it was only for a little while in the grand scheme of things. Okay, I think... I think that's all I have to say for now. But I want you to know, even when I'm not here, even if I miss a month someday in the future because we're in California, or I get the flu, or I don't know, I move somewhere else, even if I'm not here, I'm thinking of you. Wherever I go, whatever I'm doing, I'm taking you with me. Goodbye, Owen. Oh, hi, it's me again. I hope you enjoyed that little visit to the Bright Sessions universe. As always, Julia Morizawa is Dr. Bright. Lauren Shippen, that's me, is Sam. The show is sound designed by Misha Stanton. And our music is by Evan Cunningham. And the show was made possible by all of you and your enthusiasm for this world. I've always talked about how I never wanted to come back to this place simply because it's easy and reliable, but I can't deny that the temptation has been strong at times. There's a lot of comfort in the familiar, and something really special in telling a story for so long that is so deeply from my heart. I've adored telling every story that I've written, from Maxine Miles's optimism, to the sharp anger of Harper and Havoc in 2000 and Late, to the small and personal stories of Breaker Whiskey and New Year's Day, to all the other universes I've been privileged to explore with other incredible creators. but nothing has sunk its teeth into me in quite the same way as the bright sessions has until now i'm working on a new show about a rock band in the 90s called phantom pulse that can exercise ghosts with their music it's got all the things you've come to love about a lauren ship and joint lots of chatty characters queer found family complicated relationships and messy contemplations on difficult themes in phantom pulse's case i'm exercising some of my own ghosts by diving headfirst into a story about death, religion, and what it means when you never get the future you thought you would. But it's fun, I promise. There's going to be kick-ass music, a truly incredible cast, and oh my gosh, the official art we have for it? Well, you just have to go over and see it for yourself on our Kickstarter because yes, that's right, this is me asking you to donate money or even just to post about it so other people donate money. because here's the thing making an audio drama that's also a full album is going to be expensive especially with the caliber of talent we've got but i believe in the story in ways i can't adequately express and i want to spend the next however many years letting it occupy my brain in the same way that the bright sessions did in the way that the bright sessions still does so we're doing a kickstarter to get the show on the road go to phantom pulse.com for more information about that hit that notify on launch button if you are listening to this episode right as it comes out. We're hoping to launch soon after this releases and help be a part of bringing the show to life from day one. And if you are hearing this in some distant future, by which I mean 2026, go to that website anyway, and maybe hear the whole show, depending on when you hear this, just go check it out. PhantomPulse.com. But even if you don't or can't give, and I want to say so clearly, only give if you feel like you really can. Times are hard right now. I want you to know about this show because I've gotten so used to sharing my heart with all of you and I don't know how to stop. I don't want to stop. I want to share this piece of it with you in whatever way you want to engage. And if you don't, if you just want to stay in the Bright Sessions universe forever, well, it will always be here for you in this feed to revisit as many times as you like. Thank you for supporting the Bright Sessions and me and my storytelling for a decade, let's do it for a decade more. Stay strange and rock on. Thank you.