432: Japanese folklore: Sword it Out

Quick disclaimer, we're back in Samurai stories, so there's some stronger than usual violence this week. Please see the post on MythPodcast.com for more info. This week, on Myths and Legends, we're back in the tales of the Samurai, with Juyemon, runs for his life, gets attacked by pirates, and that's only in like the first 10 minutes. We'll see how you can open up a lucrative side hustle as a toothpaste salesperson, and how it could be a good idea to dress up like a high schooler and beat up monsters in the woods. The creature this time is an entrail-eating water monster, who pulled off an amazing PR pivot to be a supporting character in a modern video game franchise. This is Myths and Legends, episode 432. Sort it out. This is a podcast where we tell stories from mythology and folklore. Some are incredibly popular tales you might think you know, but with surprising origins. Others are stories that might be new to you, but are definitely worth a listen. Real quickly, Myths and Legends has a book coming out. There'll be more info on it at the end of the episode, but if you want to know more about it right now, please see the show notes. Today we're back in Japanese folklore during the Edo period, so time in the Shogunate and Samurai with the adventure tale of Juyemon, who begins his story as a samurai, but with a few drinks and a sword, that could change. Juyemon clapped his hands together. That would teach his co-worker to do that thing that made him mad. That was something that made him mad again. It was something and it was maddening. Well, that's why he taught guys like this a lesson. So they learned from it and he didn't have to remember. This fellow samurai was out cold. Juyemon was a good teacher. Hey, hey, guy who brings me more sake, bring me more sake. Juyemon turned his head back and yelled inside the restaurant. Wide eyes poked from the fabric in the doorway. As the man looked out, was it over? Oh, it's over. Juyemon laughed. But the more pressing question was sake, or I guess sake? He's dead. The waiter stood frozen. Juyemon laughed. That was ridiculous. No, he was just sleeping. Big sleepy guy with samurai stuff. He didn't expect the waiter to understand the traditions or the power his lords possessed, but the man would be okay. He just needed to sleep it off in a growing pool of his own blood. Looking off at the growing crowd of men huddled around something in the street, maybe 10 feet away. Juyemon blinked. Oh, the man, the samurai was sleeping without his right arm. That's... oh no. Not again. Then... Juyemon held a short sword alone in his house. The point directed toward his own stomach. Okay, yep, this sucks. He had come home straight after killing that guy at the bar and mulled over his options. They weren't great. He could flee, become a Ronan or a masterless samurai, and either be hunted by his former friends, or live in shame and infamy. Or he could die. If he did it himself according to tradition, then he would restore his family's honor. But he would have to do that and also be dead, so there was a knock at the door. Juyemon put down the short sword. Yeah, your daimyo has orders for you. A voice half-whispered from outside the door. Juyemon frantically picked up the short sword. I... yep, I know, just getting to that. You know that he wants to see you? The voice whispered then sighed. They sent a backup messenger, really? He said that no one had any faith in him since that time he was robbed by a fish. No time to bathe, no time to do much more than towel off some of his sake-stinking sweat, fix his hair, and find his freshest-ish robe. But the time he made it to the daimyo's estate, his hangover was at the point where every bit of light felt like sandpaper on his eyeballs. His lore bait him sit, and he did. It seemed you have been getting drunk and quarreling, the daimyo said, and you murdered one of your friends, my retainer. Juyemon shrugged. Yeah, might as well admit it he was on borrowed time anyway. He wasn't really a friend, Juyemon said. Also, it was less of a murder and more of a duel that lacked proper documentation. There were several witnesses who said you screamed something in a drunken rage, drew your sword, and cut him down without warning, the daimyo informed his retainer. He insulted me, that is the warning. That didn't make sense. But also, I don't remember any other samurai around. What are we taking the word of commoners as to what is and isn't a samurai duel? You screamed, I'm going to murder you, and then you murdered him. And then, after reeling for a bit, you said, how do you like that, being murdered, the daimyo informed him, and held up a hand before Juyemon could speak again. Stop. He could see why this guy got in so many fights. But he liked Juyemon. He was different from the rest of them, and different was sometimes good. Still, the law was the law, and he could not tell Juyemon not to commit seppuku, and plunge his dagger into his own stomach. Was it safe to assume Juyemon did not want to do that? Juyemon laughed. Yeah, pretty safe. Alright, the daimyo said. Here was the deal. This was the morning after. His fellow samurai were out for blood. But give it a little time, and this whole thing would blow over. Juyemon could flee the country, and after, say, two years, there should be enough turnover among a samurai that no one really remembers. At the rate these guys got into battles to the death over perceived slights, two months was a possibility. But in two years, Juyemon would be ancient history. Then, he would recall Juyemon, and he would be able to rejoin his lord's service. How did that sound? Um, seeing as it's either the most painful death I can think of, or that, I will go with that. Juyemon took off his sword, but the daimyo shook his head, refusing it. Juyemon was in exile. He would need it. He would see Juyemon again in two years' time. But this meeting never happened. So, I just met with the daimyo, and yes, it's true that I killed someone last night, and I wanted for murder. But also, that guy was a jerk and mean. So, anyway, the daimyo says I can come back scot-free in two years, but I need money because I need to make it two years on my own. So, can I have money? Making a pouty face and a graspy motion before his uncle, this was Juyemon's fourth stop of the day. In addition to all the people at work, his family also kind of hated him. But they were happy to support his leaving town. Mainly because they believed in him, also mainly because the samurai he killed had friends who were coming to town looking for him, and they didn't want to end up in the middle of that discussion, so they had money. Yes, extra if you made it a point to please leave immediately. Juyemon rolled up the money in his underwear, took a comfortable nap in a bush where he loved take naps normally and not because a bunch of samurai were out looking for him, and stole a lot of town under the cover of darkness. The plan was Osaka, and that was it. In the big city, he could disappear for a couple of years. He could be a merchant or a hired sword for someone. The following afternoon, he arrived at the port town of Morugame. Then, in the then named province of Senuki, but was changed to the Kagawa prefecture during the Meiji Restoration. That's not relevant because Juyemon only intended on staying there for as long as it took to leave there, but the winds weren't favorable. The first day was fine, the second day was annoying. The third day, and Juyemon began to hear reports of some samurai who had killed a fellow retainer in a bar fight. Hooves now pounded across the countryside, as the murdered man's friends expanded their search. I don't know, that doesn't sound like a bar fight. Sounds like a surprised duel. Juyemon said to the people at the next table over, you know, it's a duel where you win by surprising your opponent before he knows he's in a duel. It's a thing, it's a samurai thing, he assured them. It doesn't sound like a thing. One drinker whispered to another, and then glanced at the samurai swords. They quickly paid their bill and left. Juyemon took a deep breath, and knew he should probably get out of this town too now. And sooner than later, coins rolled on the table and he rose. The winds had gotten better, he learned, and most of the boats would leave at dawn. But, as he listened to passing the stalls and crowds, he wasn't sure he had until dawn. The samurai had the law on their side, they could lock down the port. He knew his hometown and knew how to move without being noticed. Here he would be spotted, and a regular person could just sell him out, to have things returned to normal. No, he needed to get to Osaka. He looked up at the man standing before him on the pier. Juyemon said yes, but he needed to leave now. The man, a sailor whose form was hazy, in the flickering lantern light, asked. The sailor said he had a passenger vessel that just so happened to be leaving now, right now. Juyemon looked to the vessel. A half dozen men stood there in the moonlight, looking at him. This looks amazing, actually, Juyemon said. It didn't, but Juyemon had, well, he was a samurai. His father had been a samurai. He was raised a samurai, and was of the class where, even when you maim people and eventually kill a guy in a surprise duel, the daimyo himself lets you off with a wink and a nod. Basically, he hadn't seen a commoner passenger vessel in… ever. And he certainly didn't sail commercial. Turning away from the sailors, he reached down and plucked out a coin from his underwear. He said he was unaccustomed to dickering. He would sail with them for one coin. If the sailor was surprised that the stranger was offering a Rio, a few weeks or months worth of pay for an average household, for the relatively short trip between Merugama and Osaka, basically channeling loose seal bluffs, it's one boat ride, Michael. What can it cost? $10,000? The sailor didn't show that surprise, and frankly, had to compliment his lord on his excellent negotiating skills. Thank you, Guillain-Mont smiled, and the sailor directed him toward the boat in the guest quarters. Guillain-Mont felt them shove off almost immediately. Guillain-Mont touched the guest quarters sign again. That's fresh paint, still dripping, oh yes, our usual guest quarters are still being renovated, the captain said, pointing from the shadows to the door. It was a closet with a hammock, but a hammock that didn't actually extend out all the way. Looks great, and I have it all to myself? Wow, Guillain-Mont said, which would have actually been patronizing if he wasn't so ignorant of just how bad the accommodations actually were. Still, as he watched the city disappear, he knew the samurai would never follow him all the way to Osaka, and even if they did, would never find him there. Even though he was folded up like an old clamshell phone, he slept great, rising late in the morning, and caught the tail end of breakfast, cold rice and salty fish, and looked at his itinerary. The day was a weird one, even though the captain insisted that they were almost fully booked for this trip, and that the other passengers were spread around the ship, Guillain-Mont kept seeing the same dozen or so guys just glaring at him, or eyeing him like he was a piece of meat. They would also say cryptic things like, do you know where you're going, Lordling, and I can't wait to kill and rob you and throw your corpse overboard. As Guillain-Mont stood looking at the moon that night, he thought about it, yeah, that was odd, especially that last bit. Now that he thought about it, that was kind of suspicious. He knew what the crew's director said about carrying weapons on board, but he would actually feel way more comfortable with his swords at his side than tucked away in his room. Especially because the room didn't even have one of those safes that is really just there for some semblance of peace of mind because the hotel can 100% get into those anyway. The first sailor he passed just met him with snickers. The laugh, not the candy bar, those were actually extra like $4 plus tip. The price gouging actually only made the crew's look more legit, making his way to the narrow passage that led to his room, the other boat's mere lights in the darkness, and the villages on the islands beyond just hazy blooms twinkling on the edge of sight. Guillain-Mont knew how alone he was out there on the water. Stop, my lord, a voice called up ahead. Samurai, right? Three sailors stepped into the moonlight. Something like that, Guillain-Mont stood up straight. His room was in between himself and these men. Wrong. You're on my brother's ship. We don't have the Shogun, Daimyo, Samurai, nobles, and peasants here. Away from all that, without your sword or your money or the respect you coast on based on whoever your daddy was, who are you? Guillain-Mont didn't answer. He was still working out the best plan of action in his head. You are what you choose to be. You can either be a living pauper, swimming ashore wherever the great pirate Akagoshi Kuru Yemon chooses to drop you, the pirate's brother smiled, or you can cling to your titles and your rights and make a very dignified corpse. Guillain-Mont shouted and rushed the men. Corpse it is, the brother shouted. There were some Samurai who did indeed coast on their father's names, who learned how to swing a sword a few different ways and left it at that, knowing that peasants and even other Samurai wouldn't dare disrespect them. Guillain-Mont had never been one of those. He came from a good family, but not a great one, and knew that what he lacked in pedigree he would have to make up for in skill, so he learned everything, even how to grapple, which seemed to surprise the first man as Guillain-Mont snapped the dagger from his hand, snapping several bones along with it, and flung them over the low wooden railing. The other, with the help of Guillain-Mont's outer foot, collapsed in screams when his knee bent the way it was definitely not supposed to. Guillain-Mont didn't wait, but slid the door open to his room, stepped in, and his sword was gone. Looking for your sword? Here you go. The last remaining pirate of the initial trio, and the brother of the captain, said, and brought the sword down. So, real quick aside, I'm from Cincinnati, and the quarterback from the Bengals, Joe Burrow, when he wasn't buying Batmobiles, bought his whole offensive line, Katanas, with histories that search back to the 1500s. That sounds cool. Also, I wouldn't want one. Don't get me wrong, I really would, but I know myself, and I would absolutely accidentally cut off my own foot or something within a week, just playing with the thing. Same reason I really, really would want, but should never ever be allowed to have a real lightsaber. All that to say, just because you have a samurai sword does not make you a samurai. Something the pirate learned when, after that first strike, and the Katanas sliced through the bed completely, it lodged in the wooden beams on the ship's deck. Panicked, the pirate tried to yank it free, but earned only a kick in the chest, and a tumble back over the railing for his effort. Giemon rose, and with a pull, the sword was loose. Gathering up his things, they hadn't taken his short sword, he left the room. Giemon knelt down to pick up the sheath, ended the suffering that the pirate who remained on board, wiped his blade, and went to go see whoever pirate captain Akagoshi Kuyuemon was. So this has nothing to do with a bounty on my head, Giemon called out, interrupting the pirate captain's speech about equality and resentment or something. What, bounty? The captain yelled from the stern, never mind, don't worry about it, Giemon said. Cracked his neck as he stretched, and asked if they were just going to get on with it. The captain waved to his men, all ten of which were between him and the samurai, and they rushed Giemon all at once. You guys are pretty good, Giemon said, as he lopped the spearhead off of one attacker's spear, and then the head head off of his body. I fully expected you to fight me one by one, or separate for a bigger guy, and then when I beat him you would all flee in terror. But I appreciate how you get down to it, Giemon complimented, and then pulled his sword from another's chest. I guess you don't really get to be pirates if you only do fair fights, Giemon said, kicking a salient number eight overboard. Indeed, the pirate captain said, leveling his flintlock pistol at the samurai's head. The samurai swore. Pirates! He was totally cool with them fighting dirty within the parameters he was comfortable with, but literally bringing a gun to a knife fight? That was unfair, and yeah, we've all seen the Indiana Jones with the intimidating sword guy, where Indy just shoots the guy. Giemon knew that hokey honor systems and ancient weapons were no match for a good flintlock pistol at your side. He planted his left foot and juked the right, making a dash for the edge of the boat. If they're using my homebrew D&D rules, which I'm writing this episode, so they're using my D&D rules, water at night provides full cover, and Giemon would at least have a shot at escaping. The story mentions, specifically, the attackers having spears and swords at the onset, but it doesn't mention the guy who fights with a big fishing hook. And you know that guy got made fun of, until you needed someone to snag an escaping samurai. Then who's laughing? Fish hook guy, that's who laughed, as he swung his hook and caught the back of Giemon's robes, right before he left the edge. Cripping him tight, the fish hook guy was beaming. His whole life, people were like, why do you fight with a fish hook? You're more of a danger to us, your own guys than anyone else. Ow, your fish hook hurts. Well, now he was the star. Giemon felt the fabric tear and knew that once the fish hooks point sunk into his shoulder, he would be trapped there. He saw the captain lower his pistol with a grin. One that said they would have time to make the samurai suffer for all he had cost them. Giemon was in anguish, not because the fish hook that was scratching at his flesh or that he had been stopped, but because he didn't want to say goodbye. But he would be saying goodbye one way or another. So with his right hand, he flung the sword and the blade found its mark. Fish hook guy's chest, who let's be real, probably wanted to live longer, but there was not going to be a greater moment for that guy for the rest of his life. When the captain, in shock that fish hook guy was on the deck with a katana in his chest, raised his pistol, he found only Giemon's shredded robes. The samurai had leapt overboard. The pirate captain swore and ran to the edge. But in the darkness of the sea, he found that Giemon had completely disappeared. Plain the sword from fish hook guy, he called for everyone who was still living to throw the bodies of the dead overboard. He was going to go to his quarters, put the sword on alongside his flintlock pistol, look in the mirror and whisper, Akagoshi Kuru Giemon, samurai pirate. We'll see where Giemon ends up. But that will be right after this. I wish I could tell you about Butcherbox's chicken or pork, I really do. I can't though. I am just in love with their grass-fed I've only ever gotten that box because it is so so good. It was so good, I didn't even realize what I was missing, only getting beef from the grocery store. Like I've gotten steaks out at restaurants, but there was always something off when I brought the same cut home and cooked it perfectly until Butcherbox and then it's oh okay that's it's the quality. The flat iron steak is hands down my favorite but really you can't go wrong. Having top tier protein at home helps us to eat at home and we personally feel so much better. And it is high quality, no unnecessary additives, no artificial ingredients, no mystery fillers. 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The school year is winding down, but someone should really tell that to our schedule. There are spring sports, extracurriculars, travel and the time when people are just standing outside enjoying the nice weather and talking to one another and you want to join in. And you know, it's so nice at the end of a practice or when everyone goes in for dinner to actually have something planned so it's not take out again. Home chef makes it so simple. Fresh food delivered, easy recipes and meals that actually taste great and people really love it. Home chef is rated number one by users of other meal kits for quality, convenience, value, taste and recipes. That's a lot of things. Whatever you have going on, home chefs got you. They have their classic recipes, their 30 minute meals or oven ready trays or microwave lunches or say you're feeling like having a night out while doing a night in. There's the Home Chef culinary collection with restaurant quality recipes from Gordon Ramsay and Giada Day Laurentiis. They have over 30 meal options each week. So you really can't go wrong. For a limited time, Home Chef is offering my listeners 50% off and free shipping for your first box plus free dessert for life. Go to HomeChef.com. That's HomeChef.com. For 50% off your first box and free dessert for life. HomeChef.com. Must be an active subscriber to receive free dessert. Jouillet Man's main strength was not his adaptability, though he was able to think on his feet and it's not fighting. Though he is great at killing people, even drunk. It's that he's lucky. Think about it. It obviously wasn't the first time he got into a possibly deadly bar room brawl. And even when it turned out disasterously, his daimyo liked him enough to vacation. Instead of demanding he disembowel himself. Then when he was about to get caught, he found a vessel out of town and yeah, it was infested with pirates who wanted to kill him. But even with losing his sword twice in the fight, he still managed to escape with all the money he had rolled up in his underwear and facing exhaustion after fighting like 15 guys and mostly winning. He was rescued by the governor of Osaka, who was returning to city by boat. And after telling him the story of the fight, he was commended for his service and the man helped him buy a house. Now, G.A. Mon, the samurai or the Ronin rather, was a toothpaste salesman, well, tooth powders, combs, perfumes, and other toiletries. Basically, G.A. Mon was hunted into exile and ended up as a friend of the governor and a homeowner with a thriving small business. He's lucky. His friend, the governor, told him that to really look like a good guy. Trustworthy and all that. He should marry. So G.A. Mon did. Even though he was just a humble toothpaste salesman, I guess G.A. Mon had that kind of big noble energy about him. Soon after meeting Nagisha, known as Ohiaku, they were married. Now, the story kind of brushes this off, but it really stands out to me. G.A. Mon was a samurai and noble. I'm not sure what level G.A. Mon was, but some samurai marriages above a certain level required shogun approval. So a samurai marrying a gay show was uncommon. Basically, for a guy who's only going to be in town fewer than two years, he's jumping into the life of an upper middle class toothpaste salesman beat first. G.A. Mon didn't do anything halfway, except for maybe his marriage. Samurai marriages were unions of power and various professional interests, so that's what his marriage to Ohiaku might have been in his mind. Maybe she was looking for more when each night he wanted to play checkers, according to the translation, or whatever Edo period Japanese game the 19th century British translator equated to checkers. The story assures us, though it wasn't because G.A. Mon was just sort of checked out of married life as soon as he achieved married life. It's because Ohiaku was a woman of bad and profligate character who was by nature passionate that she ended up cheating on him with a sumo wrestler. They would have gotten away with it too, if not for diarrhea. Probably. As someone who knows the danger of poorly prepared sushi, I once spent a cross-country red-eye flight huddled on the floor of the lavatory, so sick that I didn't care that I was huddled on the floor of a lavatory. G.A. Mon, as he sat down to go, or shoji, but probably not checkers, felt an ominous rumble. He put his palms on the table, smiled at Tonoshin, the governor's 18-year-old son, and said, young sir, I feel an unaccountable pain in my stomach. I think I had better go home before it gets worse. The kid did not really catch on. Seeing that G.A. Mon should definitely stay the night and he would find some medicine. G.A. Mon, though, found the plate as possible way to say, according to the text, there's no amount of medicine that will stop what's coming. I prefer to be at home. Excused himself and did the most casual walk sprint he could back home. G.A. Mon exhaled as he slid the door to the outhouse shut. Wow, that was close. He glanced at the street, at the lamp plates, too late to head back to the governor's place, and probably rude too. He might just call it an early night. He walked up to his house, made to open the door, but it wouldn't budge. Hmm. Well, he guessed it made sense that his wife would lock it. Hey, honey, can you let me in? G.A. Mon said. And the only reply was, screams, screams, and he can't find us like this and you need to hide. G.A. Mon snorted. They did know that the interior walls were literally paper thin, right? Annoyed at having to wait so long for them to figure out how to hide his sumo wrestler in his modest house, and the fact that he had pretty much already guessed that they were trying to hide a man in his modest house, G.A. Mon found the bottom of the door and lifted it up off its track, setting it back down and sliding it on the floor. He found Ohiaku and the sumo wrestler, Takasegawa, trying to fit himself into a chest in the main room. His wife and the man froze when they saw G.A. Mon silhouetted by the moonlight. He simply walked in, took a seat, lit his pipe, and looked at them. I was so excited to meet Ohiaku's husband, the sumo said, climbing out of the chest. I stopped by to call upon you and maybe buy some toothpaste. We should talk about the toothpaste. I hear you're great at that. Anyway, your wife offered me some sake and well, I'm a lightweight. I mean, not in the literal sense, but I didn't have much dinner and it just knocked me out. I just woke up and I was like, he's gonna think something untoward was happening. So I got to try to hide in this chest. I am so sorry. This looks so bad. But I promise you, there is nothing wrong going on here. Yeah, I don't believe any of that. G.A. Mon said, taking a draw on his pipe. Look, I'm going to be gone in about a year. I can go back to my own clan and then you two can marry or whatever, far be it from me to care what becomes of a woman with such a stinky heart, as the source says. The pair looked at each other, wait, he was cool with it? Why did this somehow feel worse? Well, I'm going to bed. G.A. Mon rose, tucking his arms into his robe, going to bed in the other room, he added. Not looking at Oh, he got you're welcome to stay. Toss a guy, Toss a guy, although just realized what time it was. And then he had, oh, such an important meeting to get to in the middle of the night. After falling asleep, self proclaimed drunk at a toothpaste seller's house leading to a humorous misunderstanding. Okay, good night, everyone. Glad we're all friends and cool. When both doors slid shut, Oh, he found herself standing alone in the main room. Hello, Toss a guy was on Oh, he said, while passing him on the street near her house. The sumo wrestler screamed a little on the inside and the outside. But since it was hard to pretend you didn't see someone when you're looking right at them, he greeted Oh, he got and the pair walked together on the street. Want to come back to my house? She asked. Probably not. It's wrong. And I'm full on terrified of your husband. So pray do not talk in such a cowardly manner. Next year, when juyemon goes back to his own country, he is sure to give me this house. And then you and I can marry and live as happily as possible. She smiled and pulled him toward the door. His morality and reason and desire to live pulled him toward the street. But another apparently stronger desire pulled him toward the house. The sumo wrestler followed her inside. Listen to me, master, Toss a guy, what Oh, he said with a hiss, as soon as they were in the door, I have been thinking over all of this for some time. And I see no help of it, but to kill juyemon and make an end of him. What? What was all that? We can be married talk on the street. Toss a guy was started hyperventilating. That was my innocent polite talk. He has to die. Otherwise I can't remarry. We have to do it. We have to poison him. She whispered the sumo of isolated back and forth. Based on his tangy was grasp on the laws and also his tangy was grasp on the phrase tangy was grasp. He knew what she said had to be 100% true. He loved her. And he suppose the safest way to kill this really buff and imposing toothpaste salesman was to poison him. And the sumo wrestler actually thought he knew a guy who could do it. A physician he used to play with when they were both boys. Toss a guy waited sweating until the pharmacy was empty. When he finally approached the man behind the counter squinta Toss a guy was at him after some small talk and some promise tickets to the next big match. Toss a guy was said he needed something something his friend might not be prepared to give. The physician grew serious. Oh so this wasn't a friendly ketchup. Toss a guy was said he needed poison. The physician nodded. Hmm you know if I'm being honest I got asked this a lot in my early days and I was tempted. Every physician comes to a point where he either needs to stand firm in who he believes himself to be or compromise and be complicit in some of the worst things people can do to one another. You know what I'm sorry. Toss a guy was said. And me the physician continued I am proud to say I chose to be complicit. I totally understand wait what yeah you just make so much more money with option two the crime option. I'm like a veterinarian that mood lights as a mob doctor. I mean it doesn't even compare to my normal job and then you meet other criminals and they connect you with other opportunities. It's a good racket sometimes literally and poisons. Nobody knows what's up nowadays. People die from all sorts of stuff stomach ache dead cough dead small cut dead. You know what tuberculosis is. Yeah neither do I neither does anyone. They call it some form of consumption and think it's caused by depleted body energy or little evil spirits or something. So yeah what do you need when the physician was done mixing up the poison. He said that you know all this he kind of feel pangs in the old conscious sometimes you know the parts of him that weren't dead inside but if toss a guy what didn't get it from him he would get it somewhere else. Well to be honest you're my only contact to the sort of thing toss a guy will rifle through his coin purse. Okay but you want to kill this guy so you'd find away with or without me. The physician left. I'm just a replaceable bit part in this grand drama we call the human condition. Well I think the guy might actually be a secret samurai and he's terrifying so this is really my only option. Toss a guy what found the coins. The physician exhaled just give me the money and get out. G.A. Mon grumbled. He could never find the nail clippers when he needed one. He looked at his wife's door and sighed. Sliding it open he entered a room and rooted through a cupboard. He never actually did find the nail clippers because he stopped when he spotted a package. A package with a note. Poison best when mixed with ramen so it's not really detectable. Good luck killing the toothpaste salesman the woman you love is married to. Keep in touch. G.A. Mon sat back on the floor. He was surprised how hurt he was by this. He didn't love her. She didn't love him. He had even given them mercy upon catching them in the act. Now they were going to poison him. He set the package and the rest of the cupboard back the way he found it and left the room. The next morning G.A. Mon looked out when he saw a form on the street just outside the window of his shop. Toss a guy what's on. He slammed his palms down on the table. The sumo wrestler smiled nervously as G.A. Mon waved him over and into the toiletry store he owned. I was just doing the accounting board and accounting and nothing makes me want to drink like accounting so I was thinking about going home and just tying one on. You want to join me? It's dull work drinking alone and also an early sign of alcoholism and I'm trying to sidestep that self-diagnosis for as long as possible. So what do you say? Toss a guy what was surprised. G.A. Mon wanted to drink with him even after I said I didn't care and that you were free to get married after I left? Yes, it's because I don't care and you're free to get married after I leave. She's a beautiful woman but why do you think I married her? But for real, come on over. G.A. Mon said. Happy that G.A. Mon wasn't enraged, the sumo wrestler said he would be honored. Hey babe. G.A. Mon called out to Ohiaku. I'm feeling ramen. Anybody else up for ramen? Toss a guy what nodded eagerly. He always was. I don't think we have any mind running out and buying a sum and then making a sum and then serving a sum. G.A. Mon asked. Normally the request that she run out and then return to make a second dinner so he could stay in and drink was met with some resistance but Ohiaku said that that sounded like a marvelous idea. When she returned she ducked into her room while G.A. Mon was making a show of guzzling a drink and then went to the kitchen to prepare the ramen which the story calls macaroni but is in no way probably macaroni. She set the bowls in front of the men and then stood there seemingly crackling with excitement at her husband's boring stories when he launched into one she hadn't heard before. One about how he was a samurai in the run for a crime he didn't commit. Sober. He absolutely did commit it though and then he was robbed by pirates and rescued by the governor. Because he didn't touch his food though Tossagawa also refrained from starting to be polite. And Ohiaku stood by the table her excitement melting into annoyance because all he had to do was take one bite. Is that real that story Tossagawa sat stunned. No I'm just a toothpaste salesman G.A. Mon winked and then stood taking his bowl where are you going Ohiaku asked they're cold I'm going to go warn them up he said the fire in the hearth was still warm and the rest of the ramen still simmered the meat and noodles from both bowls plopped in the broth and he stirred them all together ladling the mountain to three bowls he returned first with two for his wife and Tossagawa and finally a third one for him the three sat there with chopsticks for a long moment well G.A. Mon asked looking at the pair he didn't want to have to keep warming it up they should all eat before it got cold again Tossagawa rose and begged an apology of G.A. Mon he was feeling ill and must accept the man's hospitality tomorrow oh I'm so sorry to hear you aren't doing well G.A. Mon said not looking at him not breaking eye contact from Ohiaku my dear wife there will be all the more ramen for you she met his gaze having eaten earlier she had no more appetite it seems I've lost my appetite too G.A. Mon shrugged but for me it was something that I read stay there I will be right back returning from the kitchen and then Ohiaku's room he had a note poison best when mixed with ramen so it's not really detectable good luck killing the toothpaste salesman the woman you love is married to keep in touch G.A. Mon looked his wife in the eyes and she only looked back completely unrepentant most people if they were caught in the act of attempted murder would probably have a hard time maintaining eye contact for Ohiaku it was the fact that she broke it glancing up over G.A. Mon's shoulder that saved the Ronin's life G.A. Mon guessed what this was ducked and not only dodged the blow but caught the sumo wrestler's right arm and twisted it behind his back until he dropped the dagger sweeping Tossagawa's legs out from under him the man crashed the ground with tricks like the poison in that little move it would have defiled my sword to have killed such an ungrateful hound with it luckily I have your dagger but he wouldn't be able to do it right away Ohiaku caught him monologuing and and G.A. Mon focused on the sumo she had fled to the kitchen and returned with a knife now anyone who has listened to our 2024 Halloween episode probably knows how hard samurai legends can go when they want to same was true about Juyemon he truly had planned on leaving Ohiaku to remarry the sumo wrestler when he left her the following year it was when he discovered the poison that he felt the need to confront her and when they attacked that he felt the need to kill them the fight was short he cut the sumo wrestler quote from shoulder to nipple with the man's own dagger and Ohiaku tried to bring the knife down on him caught her by her hair he did make it quick and placing her by the wrestler's side let her die in his arms saddened that it needed to end like this he could offer his wife that kindness it probably would have been more controversial that a toothpaste vendor killed a famous wrestler and his own wife but this toothpaste vendor also happened to be a friend of the governor played board games nightly with the man's teenage son so it's not hard to imagine how the case went his way Juyemon was free but now he was alone we'll see where Juyemon goes after this but that will be well right after this again we all like the cool side of the pillow what if but what if the cool side was every side you've probably heard me talking about ghostbed's patent cooling tech designed to keep you cool and comfortable all night i haven't mentioned this but ghostbed sent us some pillows way back when and i believed the cooling part but how do you make something cool well i still don't understand how it works but it is not just marketing it is magic it starts cool and stays cool and i am i mean self-confessed a very hot sleeper who also refuses to sleep with any less than like two blankets anyway ghostbed is the real deal and no matter how you sleep they have options they have three models of bed and foam or hybrid in two different firmness options they have the cooling tech i mentioned and best of all no markup okay i just went and checked another leading mattress seller for the type of mattress we're in the market for right now we're in a scramble to finish getting everything ready for a guest room and ghostbed is almost half the price that's hundreds of dollars less for the same mattress basically ghostbed will absolutely be our next mattress buy plus every mattress comes with a 101 night sleep trial and an industry leading 20 plus year warranty all that on top of fast free shipping right now you can get an extra 10 off already reduced prices just go to ghostbed.com slash legends and use promo code legends at checkout that's ghostbed.com slash legends promo code legends upgrade your sleep with ghostbed the makers of the coolest beds in the world some exclusions apply seasight for details i thought quince was you know our secret a place where you can get cool quality clothes that are like classic and go with anything for not a lot of money that being said i guess i wouldn't be doing my job of writing and reading quince ads if it stayed a secret still it's been i think three times in the past week that people have talked to me about quince i had a family member bring them up because they bought their new comforter from quince and they were like have you heard of quince and they said they listened to the podcast we also actually got a quince package for our neighbor who typed a zero instead of a nine and made their address our address i did not tell them to go to quince.com slash legends for their next purchase if you didn't know about quince hi first time listener we're glad you're here quince is a luxury clothing brand in all but price chris and i love them not just because there's something like half the price of other brands for better quality but because you put something from quince on and you instantly look put together chris has been rocking her dolman sweaters well into spring because they're light and breathable and she's got the bella straight jeans she likes quote better than sweatpants i don't think there is a higher compliment for jeans you can refresh your spring wardrobe with quince go to quince.com slash legends for free shipping and 365 day returns now available in canada too go to qui nce.com slash legends for free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash legends the governor was surprisingly cool with the sun playing games with a confessed killer though i mean this is the eddo period and it seems like entrance into certain tiers of the nobility like the samurai class requires at least some level of bloodshed there was something jiemann was beginning to notice about the boy though you're awful jumpy aren't you the murderer he was playing board games with asked as he nearly left from his seat at the noise out in the garden the kid sighed yeah tonight he was going to fight oni and he wasn't looking forward to it yeah i can't say that i blame you there jiemann said um maybe things had changed since his day but sons of governors didn't usually go out in the wilderness to fight oni they still didn't but the lot fell to him at his school the boys had been talking up the monster attacks in a forest shrine oni tanuki tangu since no one appeared to care enough to protect the people it was up to them the sons of the richest men in the city to live with bravery and honor fight the oni and signed their name to the pillar at the shrine when they were finished the boys were all together on it i couldn't let them call me a coward anymore tonoshin the kid said they drew lots and he drew the short straw oni and tanuki and whatever the bird one is their beasts they can't exercise any power over people jiemann said not adding that they couldn't do that also because they didn't exist he did add however that since he was something of a part-time samurai part-time ronin part-time toothpaste salesman and hobbyist pirate hunter it was well within tonoshin's rights to take him on as a retainer to fight the monsters on the young lords behalf you mean instead of facing my fears and growing i can just throw my dad's money at my problems and never have to deal with them tonoshin marveled well that's kind of saying the quiet part out loud i mean most people say it's rooted in neo-confucian philosophy that we all have roles and responsibilities and putting yourself in physical danger was abandoning your duty to administrate and lead while me sitting back and letting you do it is an abdication of my higher purpose you know like we all have our roles you're the head i'm the hand that sort of thing jiemann bob is head back and forth yeah that sounds better i like that tonoshin said yeah a lot of people do jiemann okay now where was his closet jiemann sat by the pillar as the moonlight cast blue hue on the edge of the forest it's not that he was scared he wasn't but he did wish that he had a sword on him though if this was what he thought then it was definitely better that he did not it was a little awkward sitting around the governor's house and his son's clothes but the governor didn't ask questions and jiemann didn't offer many answers there was a snicker of laughter from the forest jiemann stood up and stretched all right time to get limber get warm let's go sliding from the bushes horns emerged over a shock of black hair and red skin oni jiemann remembered that he had a part to play oh man i'm just a unsure teen who's afraid of stuff but i'm here to face my fear and maybe gain some hard one confidence because all we really need is to just realize that this is a challenging time for everyone our age and chill out and be ourselves and accept and respect everyone else for being themselves and then we'll all be a lot happier jiemann then shook his head that sounded like something an old person would say was he getting old while jiemann mentally grappled with the inevitable onslaught of aging he realized that these oni were quicker than he thought they were going to be he stepped aside as the club grazed his sleeve catching the monster by the wrist jiemann's palm crushed its nose and he flung it off to the side three more emerged from the forest if the stories were to be believed taking on three oni would be difficult this was not difficult there were seven in all and jiemann held the lantern over them when it was all done the monsters laying in the constellation of bloody noses broken ribs and dislocations and he could see the skin underneath the red face paint the kids that had spread the stories of the oni and rigged the drawing but come out with face painting clubs to beat the son of the governor within an inch of his life if they could restrain themselves didn't matter after tonight they wouldn't dream of touching tonosian stepping over the groaning bodies jiemann made his way up to the pillar wrote tonosian's name and turned for home my boy has some confidence now the governor said to jiemann who bowed his head tonosian should the way he handled those oni up by the forest temple the governor's smirk of approval felt good to jiemann indeed the governor said well as fate would have it they needed jiemann's services again my son while he has a mistress the governor smiled suddenly noticing how uncomfortable he had grown sitting in this position for so long jiemann the ronin shifted and you're to thank the governor acknowledged after the events in the temple jiemann's spot had risen in the world not back to the point where he had been when he killed a guy in a bar fight was robbed by pirates and had to become a toothpaste salesman but he was working on that the governor got up and paced yes it wasn't a woman he approved of tonosian had fallen in love with a singing girl and gave her gifts she didn't even like tonosian at first but tonosian won her over jiemann smiled that was nice yes her father had an accident was unable to work and so to support them all kashiku the girl was forced to become his mistress for money the governor sighed ah young love jiemann stopped smiling oh that seems like you probably could have left out the words at first earlier when you said kashiku didn't even like tonosian noted thank you the governor said there was a problem now kashiku was having extra marital liaisons with a childhood sweetheart oh jiemann said no not aw we're not paying for her access we're paying for her exclusivity but also access because she really does not like my son the governor shook his head i'm not going after her jiemann raised his hands and the governor respected that he imagined he would need to take on jiemann as a sworn retainer and not only would that cost a lot of money but jiemann because he didn't even have a sword was just a toothpaste salesman thank goodness for that jiemann mumbled meeting the governor's gaze he shrugged i'll go persuade this guy this he chi robe to go through an old yearbook and find another childhood sweetheart how about that jiemann offered arched eyebrows and waved hands emphasized that jiemann should do no such thing he chi robe and the girl had taken a suicide pact she would rather die than be without him manning the counter at a wine shop down the street though the kid's older brother might be persuaded to talk he chi robe down from this foolishness jiemann nodded and left not saying that maybe it would be a good idea to pay a different woman for her time and attention you know one that didn't despise the boy rather than try to stamp out flowering young love you can't fight every injustice in the world jiemann told himself but was he gonna fight any of them then jiemann re-remembered that he was technically still on the run for murder so maybe he shouldn't be so hung up on justice jiemann would have justice 10 minutes ago he parted the curtains of the wine shop it was still about 10 in the morning so business was slow chiobei the older brother stood at the counter with a smile and as he called out to jiemann the ronin recognized something in his voice reluctant jiemann delivered the threat disguised as a plea from the governor and his son all the while jiemann's eyes searched the man for why the wine vendor seemed so familiar having read the threat of state violence for what it was man saw the sweat bead on the older brother's forehead when one of the man's waiters came from the back room with the tray of sake jiemann saw something else too every other person would have missed it tucked away in the back but it might as well have been calling out the ronin because without it he wasn't a ronin at all without his sword jiemann wasn't anything at that moment jiemann realized how he knew this man why he recognized the voice but not the face shrouded in the darkness of the boat he had never seen the pirate captain's face chiobei was akagoshi kuroyaman the pirate chief time slowed down as jiemann realized two things first he didn't feel bad for the younger brother anymore the man who tried to kill him with jiemann's old sword and who caught a kick to the chest and went flying off the boat the second realization was that jiemann only cared about his sword in that he wanted to get it back first and foremost and jiemann could get it back gripping the pirate's wrist and slamming his head on the counter he could leap over rush to the back room and get his sword back maybe then jiemann could extract revenge as he also extracted way too much blood from chiobei's body but maybe not maybe the pirate captain would get away maybe he would keep on doing this and the next person wouldn't be lucky enough to fall into a lucrative toothpaste side hustle while also making friends with the governor because literally no one was as lucky as jiemann jiemann took a deep breath as the pirate captain with whom the threat of extra attention from the governor carried far more weight than it would for any other simple wine merchant said that he would get his younger brother in line exhaling jiemann forced agren excellent methodically turning and being painfully aware of his posture and how much time he was taking on each step he walked out of the shop jiemann left his sword his soul behind and prayed that he wasn't making a terrible mistake i've made a terrible mistake jiemann muttered as in the vacant room in an in across the street he watched the two members of the secret police as the story calls them get in a mock drunk argument they're the best at what they do the governor assured him yeah i would hope so because you know what both a barkeeper and a pirate is really good at spotting a drunken brawl jiemann groaned no matter we have the place surrounded the governor laughed as jiemann looked on the road with a squint rising he said he was heading out the governor didn't understand the operation had just started they were about to arrest the pirate chief and get his sword back nonchalant jiemann told the governor that the man said it himself they had this one in the bag the men were the best with those words jiemann left and slid the door shut behind him when the governor glanced back down to the bar he saw that jiemann's reservations were apparently well founded his men were not the best and they very much did not have this in the back staying out of arms reach the pirate chief walked over to the faux fighting faux drunk men and they broke character way too soon most of their detainees surrendered the moment the secret police shouted that they were under arrest which was probably why they did that first most of their targets were not pirate chiefs with a cellar full of contraband and nothing to lose so chobei shook them off and ran for the back room screams and chaos spilled from the house the pressure on one of the guard's arms barely held back what was within as he staggered out and collapsed another guard dragged what remained at the third his head half gone from one strike of jiemann's blade wielded by chobei gripping the windowsill and straining out the governor yelled for those assembled below to go get him a fruit vendor a monk with his donation bull out a mother pushing her baby in the stroller and the baby in the stroller all pulled off their disguises to reveal that they were the secret police and swarmed the building they were halfway upstairs when the pirate captain climbed up onto the roof this was not the governor's first rodeo because this was Edo period japan he had never been to a rodeo and thus was nearly completely unprepared nearly stationed in one of the neighboring buildings a guard heard the alarms and climbed up on the roof only to take a slash across his chest and a kick down to the street the sound of clicks on the pirate captain's wooden shoes were treated and the man made his way completely unhindered across the tiles streets choked with the daily traffic of Osaka slowed the secret police to a pace of steps and shoves while they commanded the people to get out of their way helpless on his perch the governor saw that the pirate captain was making for the canal where he could take a boat and get out of the city before anyone could stop him the governor buried his face in his hands he had lost a knock sounded at the door behind the governor and the man turned i've been trying to tell you for like two minutes he stole my baton when the officers complained how you were outside my door how could this pirate captain possibly take your baton is everyone ridiculously incompetent the governor groaned he did not have time for this no not him the guard clarified with a kick to the face of its now former occupant the pirate captain chobay commandeered a boat on the canal looking to the banks and the streets above them he breathed for a long he would be out to sea and then he would be gone forever he had reinvented himself a half dozen times already and had cash squirreled away and forgotten garados all along the inland sea shouts went up from the low wooden bridge as the pirate captain passed below he assumed it was because a murderer rowed below his bloody sword laying in the boat he was wrong the shouts were because there was a jumper the shadow of the bridge ended and chobay saw the man step from the railing just a few meters above and land with a thud right in front of him juye mon landed with his arms out and his knees bended to steady himself on the wide flat bottomed boat thrown from his bench chobay reached for the sword as soon as he understood what was happening but it was too late he got the police mace probably a jite probably a jite across the temple and dropped unconscious into the bottom of the boat jie mon melton picked up his katana and the scaperd wiping the blade clean and sheathing it he once again had his sword he cheerobe the brother of the pirate chief was apprehended between osaka and eddo by yes police in disguise brought back to osaka for trial in the subsequent execution his head was exposed for all to see beside his brothers and his lovers everyone in the city knew juye mon's name after the arrest of the pirate chief and it wasn't hard to find where he lived why kashiku went after him a trained samurai who just regained his sword and not the callow son of the governor who had set her whole tragedy in motion probably speaks to her despair knocking quietly on juye mon's door one evening kashiku whispered to the servant that she had an urgent message for the man's master proceeded to stab the servant in the face and then prowl the house looking for jie mon while there is probably a way to stab someone in the face quietly i don't know what that way is apparently neither did kashiku the brief noise combined with juye mon's knowledge of his own house found kashiku bound and subdued in a matter of moments the people of the city ate up this lurid story and marveled at the ronin who could meet out justice seemingly in his sleep juye mon's story spread beyond osaka across the whole country it spread so far that it made it back home juye mon's actions gave the daimyo enough political cover to declare that there would be no retribution for past mistakes juye mon the hero that dismantled an entire pirate empire after being like a two-year-long victim of that entire pirate empire could now come home safely so juye mon said goodbye to osaka and returned home to his lord where he lived in peace and prosperity for the rest of his days by controlling his anger having a little patience and understanding for his fellow person and also not getting in drunken deadly bar fights it was actually mainly the third one it was a very low bar this started out as a fun story for me jerk sam rai goes on the run pirates poison ramen beating up school children disguised as oni jacked a lot of boxes i didn't know we had it was hard to find juye mon's character arc because he goes through this whole journey just to end up exactly where he was when he started but while nothing around him changed he changed which i know is the definition of a character arc he started out as a hothead who gets so out of control he kills people without even realizing it slowly though he actually grows he gets in a bad spot with the pirate but he doesn't throw himself at the captain instead making a calculated sacrifice he tries to tell his wife and her lover that even though it's a massive hit to his honor he's just going to look the other way and does so until they try to poison him he doesn't even seek blood just trying to get them to admit it until they attacked him but he even grows from there he holds back with the teens and no one gets seriously hurt works with the law and plans out the arrest of the pirate captain instead of just killing him and then still doesn't kill him finally in a sort of a mirror of the event with his wife he has a woman stalking the house with a knife and he finds a way to calmly subdue her choosing to not even go as far as he did before he was recalled not because he ran out the clock but because of his ability to bring everyone to justice something that hothead juyemon would have been completely incapable of doing when the story started all in all it was a very satisfying kind of modern feeling story even down to how the ending mirror the beginning for example juyemon gains infamy leading to him jumping from a pirate ship to lose his sword in the beginning and he boards a pirate ship to gain his sword and earn renown in the end based solely off of his change as quick at end I'm actually ahead on the podcast for once in my life so I've had some time to sit with the story a little bit I've been thinking off and on for weeks about what makes juyemon change it's not killing the guy or being exiled and then I realized that the story kind of loosely follows a three act structure but it doesn't break into act two until juyemon makes the decision to leave the sword behind it wasn't forced he gave it up and that starts the process of growth for him he slowly becomes a better person after giving up the one thing a samurai or even ronin should never give up we've done so many of these episodes at this point so I'm sorry if I've talked about this but the kind of classic hero's journey or like I mentioned three act structure are predicated on something world-shaking happening to the protagonist that forces them to grow and change for me yeah I would love to remain completely happy and comfortable forever but bad things happen and it's helpful once again for me to reframe bad things in the concept of a story so it becomes less about oh no something changed and I'm no longer in my perfect cocoon of comfort and complacency how do I get back there and more okay this is hard but I have to accept and face this and how can I use this as an opportunity to grow so yeah I guess juyemon wasn't a terrible example in the story just maybe if you're going through something hold off on beating up teenagers in Halloween costumes next time it's a revenge story from Spain about the length someone will go to and also maybe you shouldn't go to for love okay as I mentioned briefly at the top of the episode myths and legends has a book coming out it's a comprehensive telling of the king Arthur legends Carissa the podcast co-creator wrote it and will both be doing the audiobook it is 100 new content it's not just published scripts or old episodes and right now audiobook hardcover and ebook are available for pre-order and if you like this podcast trust me you will love the book and if you're thinking about it pre-orders help so so so much I'm learning this is our first time in this industry I won't take up any more of your time there are links in the show notes for everything thank you so much the creature this time is the kappa from Japanese folklore somehow we've been going nearly 11 years and haven't done the copy yet but it's a major yokai in Japan apparently it means river boy or river child it's a reptile-ish creature with a pointed mouth like that of a turtle webbed sometimes clawed flippers and it's gained a shell in the depictions over the years they almost always have a divot at the top of their head or they keep a pool of water like most creatures they kind of stink but in more ways than one three specific ways actually because and I don't know why this is a point someone had to make over the years but the kappa has three anuses and can pass three times as much gas as a human if you've been listening to this podcast for any length of time you know that water creatures are not messing around and the kappa is no exception like the neck from Scandinavia the vaudeaui from eastern europe the nicks from Germany jenny green teeth from britain and the kelpie from scotland among many others this is a creature that will pull you down to the depths and kill you hopefully they wait for you to drown before beginning to consume your organs but well they don't seem that focused on kindness and that was a problem you see while yes they were a dangerous murderer they're also quite smart being one of the few okai to actually learn human languages and they didn't like that people didn't tend to want to hang around them or put them in their art and video games but the kappa did what few creatures are capable of especially ones that slurp up entrails like ramen they rehabbed their image starting in the 1950s when one artist used them in a i guess famous manga called kappa tangoku or kappa heaven depicting them as cute and stubby they had sort of a rebirth and they became the 1959 mascot of tokyo citizens day where they are sometimes featured on badges i found the images of ones from the 50s and then again in the 80s so i don't know if this is a stable thing that happens or if it's just every once in a while but yeah given the kappa's intelligence it's unsurprising that they managed to pull this pretty amazing pr pivot from snacking on human organs and as i was reading about this apparently also anus is why to be an acute little mascot i actually learned of this creature not from the many many hours i've spent reading books about creatures and mythology but from the many many hours i've spent playing animal crossing new horizons where the creature makes an appearance in the form of kappen the boat captain and with this year's update hotel owner with his wife and mother officially kappen is a turtle but he's named kappen and looks like a kappa down to his hairstyle leaving him bald at the top of a said in the trademark kappa and before you say well maybe that's just him this is kappa pattern baldness his wife and mother have the same thing so when you're riding out in kappen's boat just listen to him sing and don't ask him what he used to get up to back in the 1500s you don't want the literal gory details and also be grateful that you're out there in the open air that's it for this time myths and legends is by jason and carissa wiser our theme song is by broke for free and the creature of the week music is by steve colmes there are links to even more the music we used in the show notes thank you so much for listening and we'll see you next time Ryan Reynolds here from mint mobile the message for everyone paying big wireless way too much please for the love of everything good in this world stop with mint you can get premium wireless for just 15 dollars a month of course if you enjoy over paying no judgments but that's weird okay one judgment anyway give it a try at mint mobile dot com slash switch upfront payment of 45 dollars for three month plan equivalent to 15 dollars per month require intro rate for three months only then full price plan options available taxes and fees extra see full terms at mint mobile dot com this is the story of the one as a procurement manager for a hospital system she keeps every facility in her network stocked and ready that's why she counts on granger to be her single source for thousands of products from disinfectants to lighting air filters and more and with fast dependable delivery ranger helps her keep every facility stocked safe and running smoothly call 1 800 granger click ranger dot com or just stop by ranger for the ones who get it done the world moves fast you work day even faster pitching products drafting reports analyzing data microsoft 365 co-pilot is your ai assistant for work built into word excel powerpoint and other 365 apps you use helping you quickly write analyze create and summarize so you can cut through clutter and clear a path to your best work learn more at microsoft.com slash m 365 co-pilot