The Adventure Zone: Dadlands 4: Don’t Cry Uncle

I never get tired of it, honestly. I never get tired of it. We had a hundred seconds of music to get to our chairs, and Dad somehow... Still missed it. Didn't quite make it. Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Adventure Zone Dadlands Part 4. That's why Justin was in my seat. It felt wrong, didn't it? Everything. Oh, my God, that's so much better. I'll be your Travis McElroy tonight. Woo! Do you guys want to say your names? I switched seats, so I'm actually not sure anymore which one I am. My name's Justin McElroy. I'm the oldest brother. Hi. I'm Clint McElroy. I have nothing cute to say. I'm Griffin McElroy, and this mustache ain't making it to actitude. And let's turn it over to our game mom for this evening, Brennan Lee Mulligan. Now, clearly, most of you don't know who Brennan is, but... I wish he'd have done his intro first to build it up a bit. A privilege, a pleasure, an honor and a joy to join for the fourth installment of the Dadlands and the first installment of the Dadlands in which every member of the Dadlands is currently a dad. And for me. sorry sorry when you become a grandfather dad you don't stop being our dad you know that right no it kind of felt like it that explains so much he abdicated that a long time ago i was raised by the tv i remember dad dad taught me how to shave and then he was like actually that's it I'm out. That's all I got. You're on your own from here on out. It gives me so much pride, and I'm so in awe and filled with admiration, because this is the first show I'm doing where I am so tired all the time. That's the secret sauce. And speaking of secret sauce, I think we'll start with our sauciest of dads. Griffin, who are you playing tonight? Thank you, Brennan. Tonight I'll be portraying Brickhead Hulgens. Just a quick rundown. Used to own a barbecue joint in the Waco wasteland with my partner, Walton Goggins, but he cheated me out of the business. He also somehow stole my smoked prosciutto wizard's familiar Chokey from me. I'm not quite sure how he managed that, but I do get sent mystic visions through the smoke of the forbidden meats. To be fair, I didn't know you and Chokey were exclusive. Yeah, apparently not, man. Hey, we asked this last time we did this. Who has never heard a Dad Lance before? Less than last time. That's great. That's really God. Uh, tonight I will be playing I'm Guy Ferrari I'm a car dad Who has touched the energy of chaos A lot in the last three episodes Come very near to deadbeat dad status Quite a few times I like to drive one mile over the speed limit Rawr! I'm Coach Red Ruffinsoar I'm a sports dad, and I have no fascinating backstory. Because apparently we've been developing these jokers more than they've been developing me. Although, I have had the single greatest highlight of any dad later. There's a level of meta truth to dad's character now, because the last time we played this game, He made a really impressive throw of a ball into a small hole. And, yeah. But the audience lost their fucking gourds. And now he's like. And dad has been talking. He dropped that ball backstage five minutes ago. Yeah. Like the great Bambino. Dad has been talking himself up like, well, it doesn't even really matter what I choose to do because I'm going to spank everyone. Right, guys? It is the most sports dad thing to have one good moment you have and dine out on it forever. Live forever. Dad dropped that ball backstage in the dark and it rolled under some risers. And we had to have Jack, who's working on this show with us, go down hands and knees to find dad's special ball before we can come out on stage. And I'm Chip Huggins, baby. I'm a Disney dad, and today I actually got to go to, well, I went to downtown Disney. That's all right. I got to see the back of Batuu. The incredible back of the rocks of Batuu. Without... Weave! Don't you, Travis, say it! Commencing to weave! Now, can I say, now, hold on. I re-listened to the third episode of Dadlands, and the part where Travis yelled at Brennan and told him to weave gave me such bad watch-off, and I don't want to repeat that. So, Travis, do a nicer one that we can have in the permanent edit. Okay. Hey, Brennan? Yes, Travis? Could you please weave? It'd be my pleasure. Thank you. Thanks, bitch. Thank you so much for weaving. No, please, no. No, no. Come instinct to weave. Previously on the Dadlands. Behold. A ruined waste of red rock bleached beneath the sun, beating down on the post-apocalyptic eternity. Ruined and ravaged a land of only dads. scientists from far dimensions considering what need have arisen to produce an entire civilization where everyone is a dad and nobody is any other kind of thing. surely the scientists of a far-blung dimension posited surely the dads themselves are at least brothers right no only dads but surely a dad is the son of nosebleed scientist dead eldritch horror you cannot comprehend the dadness of the dad lands And yet some have, for at the beginning of our tale, four dads of four different dad tribes came together. Brickette Hoggins of the Grill Dads, Guy Ferrari of the Car Dads, Red Ruffinsor of the Sports Dads, and Chip Hugginsby of the Disney Dads were brought together in front of the great screen to retrieve the remote from the villainous crap dads of Sahlberg. Retrieve it, they did. That was episode one. In episode two, they returned to their friend and pal, the science dad, and his tower of glass with his satellites made of birds with disposable cameras tied to them. And were able to, in their adventures in the lands of the hard asses, retrieve the formula for continuity obliterating recurrent neutrinos. And the holes in space and time that they were capable of creating. the cornholes. Traveling through their first cornhole, they were swept up by the mothership of the maternal alliance of, uh, what the fuck did I call this? Hold on one second. It's okay, dude. No, no, I got it right here. Yeah, no pressure. Remember, it's just us talking to each other. The meritorious alliance of maternal astrospace or mama. Mama. Captain Mary Amalthea of the mothership took them aboard and told them of the existence of a theorized space, Ever Everland, with a type of being heretofore never seen, but that could connect the various dimensions. What entity could connect mothers and dads, aunts and uncles? What do you need to connect? Puppies! Close! Ah! Is it family? Ooh! And how are you spelling that? I don't remember. F-A-M-L-E-E-L-L-F-A-M. We agreed on that, right? Having gone to the space station of Antioch and meeting the wine ants, the Broadway ants, the hippie ants, and the gossip ants. Astride a rocketing VW bus, our four dads head through space towards the avuncularity. It is here we begin our journey. At the wheel of a VW bus, a computer alights. Hey, everybody, this is the... Um, hippie ant supercomputer. Uh, who's steering this? Hey, if we're both back here blazing, who's driving this thing? Is there a different type of ant supercomputer that we are able to opt into? Gossip ant supercomputer coming on board. Is there a type A over planning ant available that we can type to? older sister aunt unlocked hi i'm guy ferrari and i'm driving this bus uh i guess so where's our itinerary it's right here what do you mean right here are you gesturing to something fun i'm having a chip like he calls it a guy itinerary here you go it's we have fun okay and do we have lunch in here their bathroom breaks planned we're gonna be out in the sun all day? What's going on exactly? Hold on now. One second. I have planned for a day outside. We're covered on that. I've got sunscreen. And he glazes himself in like 10 seconds. I said exactly what I said. Covered in sunscreen, Chip, you stand to your full height. A nearby red dwarf star glances harmlessly off of your sunscreened body as this powerful ointment covers you. And I say, don't worry about lunch. And six hot dogs pop out from between my fingers like Wolverine. They don't come out of the flesh. I was just holding six hot dogs in my hands, waving. Wolverine wiener. Wolver wiener. There's nothing there. Wienerine Wienerine Still no But thank you For trying so hard Listen If Deadpool Wolverine Couldn't find Wolverine Or what joke Do you have Moving through space Ahead of you Sometimes you just Do a hard segue Yeah Boom Moving through It's the equivalent Of the RA thing Guys We all have to wake up In six hours Neutrinos Blasting through space as it folds. You see space and time, the shape of distant stars, wrapping around each other, forming something circular like an event horizon or a hole with a slight oblong shape until you realize you're seeing almost the shape of an ear in space. The unclear. it's really good shit man i'm talking hold on yeah no yeah unclear i don't know okay if you're sure it's okay it's good great it's fine as the ship travels you begin to see the ship sort of shaking in its approach different neutrinos boom hitting across the vw bus i turn on the windshield wipers this is going to be our first test i'm going to need an order check from you just one token should we explain this phase yeah yeah real quick because jesson and i don't remember and also it's going to look like travis is jorking it otherwise don't pull me down to the sea with you uh as you all know fatherhood the concept of paternity thrives on the interplay between chaos and order. Order. I will turn this spaceship around. Chaos. Yes, we can go to McDonald's and get ice cream. Within this interplay, each of our dads has a fanny pack filled with different colored poker chips. Blue, representing order, and red, representing chaos. They're green this time. Good call. Green, representing chaos. Blue, hmm? Other way? Red is chaos. Green is order. We couldn't find any fucking blue chips, so the color changed. Shut it out, everybody. Making games is hard as shit, dude. Yeah, dude. Haven't you heard about tariffs? God. Chips. Chips. So, on a difficulty of one, Guy Ferrari needs to reach in blind to his fanny pack and remove a single chip. If it is a green order chip, this is successful, and the VW bus is saved from the harmful neutrinos. If it is a red chaos chip, it is a failure, and the chip is lost. Oh, it's red, everybody at home. Flipping on the wind. But nothing's really ever lost, is it, Brennan? No, that is actually lost. Oh, it's gone. Really? Yeah, the chip's lost. Really, really? It's on the floor. Just put it on the ground so you can tell it's like... It's on the ground, man. You ain't getting that shit. Neutrinos slam into the VW bus. Space spins and warps around you. You hear, hey there, kiddo. You're looking way bigger than the last time I saw you. Space and time. Neutrinos. Black void of space. White neutrinos. Increasing, increasing. All white. All white. All white. Gravity suspends. You have entered the avuncularity. Endless white space. No longer being governed by Newtonian physics. You have entered into pure conceptual space. The end of physics. And here at the end of space and time, slowly clapping, famed character actor Walton Goggins. Well, no, no, this isn't a Walton, no. Well, me and my kid were kind of laid back and nothing old country boy like me can't hide. No, no, no. Wait, sorry. Just to be clear, as soon as Walton appears, Chip Hugginsby fires a pistol at him. Just unloads a clip. Incredible. I'm going to need a difficulty of two chaos pull. Why do you have a gun? I never mentioned that. No, actually, it was established in episode one that you filled your bag with guns as well as sunscreen as next. That's canonical. Canonically, Steve Brandon. Okay, so difficulty of two, what does that mean? I need to take out. You're going to take out two tokens. If they are both chaos, the move will be a success. Okay. So we're looking for two red. Okay. And we've got a red and a green. A red and a green. A mixed success. Okay. So you must choose one of those two tokens to discard. I'll discard the law token. We're going to Disney. So taking out. We might need to. We might need to. We actually might need to. What if they shattered? Yeah, yeah. removing a gun what does a Disney dad's gun look like it's it's got the haunted mansion print on it right yeah yeah cause we got 999 happy haunts and I'm about to make the last one damn it you memento Maury dead champ. Yeah, baby. Nobody's going to memento his Maury. On a mixed success, you see that Walton, with a supernatural, almost vampiric celerity, he whips to one side as the bullet grazes his cheek. Iker, black as midnight, oozes down his face as the bullet grazes him. Oh, look what you've gone and did. Hugginsby. We agree Walton Goggins is our most likely vampire, right? Currently. Sorry. NEC says, If only I had some help to heal these wounds. Chokey! Get out of here! No! Emerging from the interior pocket of his finely tailored laser. Chokey. Spirit of smoke and prosciutto. we can't i'm so sorry i couldn't resist his his power is too great right and just to be clear is this a thrall situation or is he just seeing the sort of logic of what walton is laying down i think you see that there's a little bit of like a little bit of column a little bit of column b where he's he's going like his his presence the power of his spirit is too great to resist And also, did you see Vice Principals? I love it. Of course I did. Of course I saw. They play it on the big screen all the time. He's got an easy sexuality that really appeals. Don't even worry your head none at all, Chokey. Besides, I've got a new familiar, and he kicks ass. And I put down the grill, and I summon Ground Keith, who's my ground beef familiar. Not shaped into a patty, just loose ground beef. And he sucks. Sorry, what's my name? One more time, Grim. Ground beef. You throw, like, when you say loose ground beef, you mean, like, this should be in a saucepan becoming taco meat. It looks like I'm starting a story for the approval of the Midnight Society. But just, just tossing loose. Man, it sucks when they make the Dadlands TV show. I've got to wait like four years before Ground Keith shows up. You hit this pile of ground beef on the grill. Easily 90% immediately shoots on the coals. Right through the grill. And a little burst of smoke goes, Ah, shit, most of my ass is dead. Yeah, Ground Keith. First of all, Ground Keith, behave yourself. I've tried to impress him. All my ass is burned up right on them calls. Help, I'm dead. Help, my ass, I'm dead. Groundkeep instantly switches teams to Walton Goggins. Ah, hell. I mean, do you want me to... I pull up the George Foreman grill. Please, God, just kill him. I bring up the George Foreman grill. I say, do you want the George Foreman? Oh, please get me on that George Foreman grill. Okay, hold on. Kill him. Please kill him. Kill him. I close it and I put it on the George Foreman to preserve. You're hurting him. Kill him. You please. What's little left of ground? He squeezes into the George Foreman grill. Is he dead? God, this is where he's dead. Without the plastic tray, he immediately slides down the grill. I have. I'm sad and dead. I hate it. He's joking. We have so much fun, Chochi. this is one of our games. He makes me so much happier than you or Walton Gawkins made me. Chip is gone fetal. You see, Toby looks and says, do you want me to help Grant, Keith? He won't stop screaming about his ass. Please kill one of us. No, he's fine. He's joking for our game. I never joked in my life. I hate to laugh. I suck. I'll discard Ground Keith. He's played his part. God, that's brutal, Griffin. Jeez. You throw him off to the side, and as you do, you see Walton Goggins puts two fingers to his temple, and an enormous grill appears underneath your feet for Ground Keith to fall directly into. We're here in conceptual space, Brickett. all the guns in the world no matter how much Disney memorabilia they have printed on the side all the hidden whistles you see here he makes direct eye contact with Guy Ferrari and dirty secrets all of them what does that mean? pornography pornography you want porn? no Is this a voting situation? Tonight we've added porthole to the day. Chip is carefully labeling Disney branded guns he's conceived of for sale on eBay. You see that Walton looks at you and says, anything you'd ever want to look at, dirty or otherwise, it's all waiting here. This beautiful space was created by the avuncular physicists of old. Yeah. We don't know. Well, we don't know what that means. Oh, you want to find out about the lost tribes of uncles? It's just a rumor. We've all heard it, but it's not real. Yeah, how can there be a dad who's not a dad? That's crazy. Oh, there's not anymore. What? I came here to a land rich with uncles. And I destroyed them all. Not cool. Why? The fireworks' uncles, dead. Aw, man. The arts' uncles, dead. Dang. What did they ever do? The Thanksgiving uncles, dead. That's actually okay. Those guys were bad. Yeah. The arts uncles did. You said that. Yeah, that's exactly why. You killed them again? Well, it's conceptual space, and they kind of imagined what if they came back as sort of a performance art. Sure. And finally. Brandon, can I conceive of a second, taller Walton Goggins, just to be clear? Give me. This is going to be our first cornhole throw of the show. Can you bring the paraphernalia, please, Paul? Bring our beautiful weapon. Okay, so... The Walton Goggins. So I want to be really clear about this, so it can help you calibrate. I am trying to conceive of a Walton Goggins that is 20 larger and stronger than the Walton Goggins we see before us that could by logic overpower him 100 of the time If you want a Walton Goggins to those exact specifications the nearest line is available to you That will succeed. If you would like it to happen without any complications, you must throw from the furthest line. If you get him on the first one, can it be Walter Goggers? And if you get him on the furthest line, it's Walter Goggers. Where are you shooting from, pal? Middle of the road? Great. Middle of the road. Here we go. Just one sack? This is a one-sack deal? One sack. One shot. Do you want the microphone? No, he's not. Wait, wait. Before you go, just a reminder for those at home, we have, you'll get him next time, champ. That's my boy Is the middle And I love you son Can I Can I screw up Because it's like Kind of a stupid Thing I'm doing Yeah I don't really care If it works or not Sorry Do you mean Justin Great The show we're making Right now Or the action You're very good The show is what I live for This specific action Is kind of stupid I just kind of said it Okay Here we go Yeah He made it For those of you at home, he made it. Somebody's been practicing. That was a clean shot. We got plenty of sacks, Paul. That's his game ball he gets to take home at the end of the night. I'll take my complications, Weaver. As. Hold on one second. You said 20%? 20% taller, 20% stronger. How tall is Walton Duncan? I was going to specify 20% craftier, but I thought that would make the throw too hard. Yeah, yeah. So I kept him with just physically. With just a bigger. Mentally, it's an even match, right? But physically, he's got the reach. Okay. So at 5'10", a seven-foot-tall Walton Goggins. Yeah. Awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry, I'm so sorry. No, Justin, you just sit on Wall Tower. No, we're going to get it. I just got to know, does the website list his crushing pressure? How much? The PSI. PSI of Walden Goggans. A 20% height increase is so much easier to calculate than a 20%. Because if it's 20%, wait, if he's, sorry, hold on. No, no, no. I am so sorry that I'm like this. You look like this. If his height increases. I was going to get a t-shirt. If his height increases by 20% and his weight increases by 20%, his weight should increase by so much more than 20%. If his height has increased by 20%, a towering, anemic, deeply hungry Walton God. No, it's physical strength increased by 20% in every dimension. Not his density, he's not a dwarf star. It's just strong, he's like a beastly swole. Right. But what I'm saying is, if he goes from 5'10 to 7 feet, but only goes... What? Internet. How heavy is Walton? No, no, no. I'm sorry, Brennan. I'm sorry, Brennan. But just is correct. Because if he increased 20% height, but not weight, then he'd be all gangly. The 20% increase in weight balances the 20% increase in weight. And then he'd be Walton gangling. Do we have a doctor in the house? with each age of height added, there is a greater than equal ratio of height. My wife is at home watching the kids. It's 1056 Eastern. I think what she wants is for me to call her and ask. So, hey, listen, if you cheer loud enough that she hears, I'm going to get in trouble. So please don't, okay? Can I say? Can I say? The very first Google question is, how much is Walton Goggins' weigh? And that's wild to me. Okay, he's one Walton Gogginsworth. It's also your computer, Brendan. Telling on myself. The algo. As this massive Walton Goggins appears, he looks to you. All of your specifications, exact, turns, and Luke says, My creator! Why have you made me? Goggins Prime. And bows to Walton Goggins. Ah, Dave! Where you see, Walton goes, My sweet baby boy. You know what you must do for me. It is an honor, Goggins Prime. Please make it fast. Walton Goggins flips. What? Go on. You know where this is going. No, no, no, no, baby. Go on. Walton Goggins slits Waltower Goggins' throat. Fuck. And says, by the power of the avuncularity and the mystery of the unclear and its secret treasure. And here you see in distant space this shimmering ear-shaped singularity. He says, I've burned the land of the uncles and I summon from conceptual space the four ultimate uncles to defeat the champions of the dad lands once and for all. Well, uncles forged of conceptual space itself, not rendered by any real family. And that word rings out in space rendered only of pure myth. I call upon the first of the four, Uncle Scrooge. Oh, no. In a Dickensian top hat, an ancient British landlord shoots out and says, With the power of all ghosts do I now destroy the dads! He says, I call Uncle Sam! With eyes made of fire and an enormous eagle's beak, a monstrous cackling gargoyle with a stars and stripes top hat goes, Ah! Is everything going okay with America while I'm in conceptual space? Oh, Uncle Sam. Oh, shit, dude. Uncle Drosselmeyer! You see, a weird old German wizard goes, I'm from the Nutcracker Ballet. Ah, yeah. Also known as Uncle Exposition. I'd say dibs. If we're splitting these up, dibs. And I'm Uncle Arthritis. Uncle Arthritis. While Goggins finishes the test, and the fourth great ultimate uncle, Poseidon, god of the seas. Wait. You were smart to get in when you did. You see, a massive, watery Greek god appears. If you think about it, I am an uncle. Yeah, many times over. Many times over. My brother Zeus has a lot of kids. Through questionable means. Oh, sure. I don't approve. So, can I, Brendan, can I clarify something real quick just to bring down the energy a little bit? Because I feel like it's getting a little bit too exciting and fun. Yeah. Yeah, so Uncle Scrooge is not the duck. Hey, Justin. I'm not mad. I'm not mad. I don't want you to do the voice. I was afraid of you doing the voice. I didn't want you to do it. But I want to make sure not the duck. Hey, he's not the duck yet. Oh, he's a were duck. Okay. I see. Okay. Chip empties the clip. into Poseidon. Oh, hold on. It's best to let him Poseidon, it's best to let him get it out of his system. Use the 20,000 leagues under the sea gun. This is going to leave you six leagues under the dirt. As you begin to square up, as you pull your gun, go ahead, give me I'm going to say give me Two chaos, once again, to light up the god of the ocean. Okay, makes the best. One of each. One of each. Okay. You've got to burn one. Chip, you're burning your second law. Are you sure? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you run out of law tokens, then you're out of the game. Let me look. Hold on. Let me see what my blend is. No, I'm good. This is a fun split. Let's get to generate a real active show for everybody. Okay, I'm excited. Chip, I'm going to give it over to you. On a mixed success, you have just given up two order tokens in quick succession. The forces of chaos are moving upon. You're feeling it. As you fire wildly at the god of the sea, what happens? You cannot aim true. As you see, he goes, I summon the waves of the Aegean Sea, which questionably exists in this timeline, but let's work with it. Okay. Chip, what are you doing, pal? Chip, this really isn't you. I don't understand this side of you. I mean, again, pal, what's going on? This isn't us. All right, I don't really get it. Your heart, something about your heart is not in it. Is this wild violence, is this what you would want on a beautiful day at the park with your kids. And you see... And suddenly, you realize what's staying your hand. From the other side of that massive ear-shaped fold in space and time, you hear a voice ring out. Dad? And at the last minute, you avert because there's something in space and time that you don't want to see you kill the mythological god of the ocean. I imagine a toilet and drop my gun in it. As you imagine a toilet, all of you swirl down through space and time. I'm sorry I didn't suggest the other side. The VW bus, all of you getting choked up in the water through that giant grill. You hear, God damn my ass and water! Oh man. Ah, shit ass! He thought he was dead. I thought he was, man. I must have missed a few granules. When they ground me up, I saw God's face and he said I was so bad I could never die. That's right. Hey, while that screen is happening, I roll up the windows. Windows are... You see, you see, as you shoot through that toilet, Walton says... On the magic school bus. I thought we were going to go in an ear and I was saving it for them but then we went down a giant toilet and said and I was like, oh, this works as you shoot down this watery sort of funnel, you look up and you see Walton suddenly looking and recognizing something on Chip's face he sees that Chip has seen something or heard something that he must not have seen or heard. And you see under his breath, he goes, the treasure. After them ultimate uncles! Destroy them before they get farther into conceptual space time! I want to conceive of a fart in Walton Goggins' face. Do it. That's good shit. I am going to need... Almost. I am going to need two chaos tokens, unless you can make the fart more dad-like somehow, in which case it will be one. I want to envision and a giant finger in front of Walton Goggins that he can pull. He looks and says, Get out of here! No! Looking for chaos? Come on, dude, rip it. Rip that shit, man. Come on! Yes! Chaos! Chaos! Walton Goggins looks and sees a pure fart emanating from no butthole, but a fart so bad that it is ever so slightly visible. Walton Goggins' already quite pronounced hairline is blasted back. No! Boom. As he vanishes towards the ear as the four ultimate uncles leap. You see Scrooge goes, Time goes to me! and ghosts of past, present, and future surround his fists like mighty spectral gloves. Just like in the book. He goes, it's better to decrease the surplus dad population. I'm going to punch you in the last week, literally. I have a question for you, Brennan. How does Uncle Sam react when the Disney dad just whips out a Glock and starts firing because he saw something he didn't understand. You see... You see, as you fire, as you go to Poseidon's attempt to fire, you see Uncle Sam literally growing larger as two massive bald eagle wings spread from his back. And he goes, Ah! Yes! And as you avert at the last second, And he goes, come on. Hey, hey, let's guys quick team meeting. Let's do our best not to make any of the Uncle Monsters horny. Well, I'll try. Yeah, that means nobody withhold any money from orphans. They love that. They do. It's their favorite. All you shoot down the funnel. You in this moment have the opportunity to appear in any kind of conceptual landscape that you want to. This space was rendered by sort of like other uncles. You guys can look to see if there's any other wreckage of this sort of like mental uncle space that they made. You guys can also kind of create things in this space as you have. But you have mere moments before the uncles descend on a ball pit. It has nothing to do with anything, but it could be fun. Go ahead. If you would, Red, I want you to create a ball pit. You can pull either order or chaos here, whichever you prefer, but just announce it ahead of time. What are you trying to pull? What are you trying to pull? Say it. Trying to pull a fast one. No, I'm going to pull a red one. Okay, chaos. Chaos. There it is. Chaos! Chaos! As you imagine a ball pit, you see a vast play lance. Ball pits in an enormous canyon, towering spires, conceived here in space. A perfect recreation of your home, the Dadlands, appears before you, boom, as the VW bus hits the sandstone, heading towards the ancient ball pits that mark the far edge of Frisbee Canyon, your ancient homeland. Looking behind you, the ball pits, you see all the uncles go, ah, wait, don't push the ball pit. We have to show that we're here with kids. You see kids. What? Echoes out through space and time once again. You look out and you see a force field scatter the uncles across the dad lands. You look badly injured, trudging from conceptual space. The last uncle collapses to the ground. a device in his hand clicked, having just repelled the ultimate uncles. He looks at you, goes, Oh, shit, man, Walton Gagas fucking shot me, man. Oh, shit. Are you guys, are you guys from, you're not uncles? What the fuck are you guys? It's going to be really hard to explain without killing you. Listen, you're, you're an uncle, right? I'm the last uncle. I'm the hard-onest uncle. Um, listen. Do you guys have 20 bucks? Are you the kind of uncle that has a waterbed? Because I'd like to call dibs before you die if you're that kind of uncle. Most uncles have a waterbed. It's still mostly good. I duct taped the hole, and it's not all water anymore. Fantastic. Oh, God. What a bummer, dude. I'm going to offer you four rides to the airport. for you to help us stop Walton Goggins. Four rides to the airport, man. There's usually like a bunch of cigarette butts with plenty of cigarettes left on them at the airport. Hey, man. Dude, hold on. Hey, listen. No, no, no. Walton Goggins is out the window now, man. You're doing okay? Because you're trying real hard to be sad. This is a really good subgenre of Brennan trying to read people that smoke cigarettes and drink booze. Do you need to crash on our couch? Do you know a real couch? There's sofa mountains. I say, brother, where we come from, there's... Brother? Brother. I want to help you guys. What do I call you? Not dad, because that would make our relationship something completely different. I like brother. Brother. Chip. Wow. Oh, yeah. Chip or Chip. Guy. Chip. Wow. I'll be Chip. Chip. Chip. You're my brother. Chip. Chip. I'm your brother, Red. Just Chip's fine. And what do I call you? Guy. Guy. So, half brother. So, Guy, Chip, my brother, my brother, and me. Great. Ladies and gentlemen, Brennan Lee Mulligan. That's a scary wrap on Brennan Lee Mulligan. It's been a great ride. Make sure you check out the posters in the lobby. He is actually going to become an insurance adjuster in Los Cursos, New Mexico. He is going to run a daycare. What you guys didn't see is after he said that, he pulled out an old worn notebook and marked a final thing off a list. He's actually, if you're listening later, he's actually still running into the distance. Oh, he's turning into smoke. Where'd he go? He's floating up to heaven. Um, he's back. Uh, you look, the hard on his lunkle goes. Wait, what is it again? Hard on his lunkle. Hard on his lunkle. I'll be honest. At first, I thought it was some sort of euphemism that he was very sick. And I was like, that's a weird, that's a weird direction. I thought it was a variety of bread. Yeah. I like how it started hard on. Am I saying hard? I'm saying hard on his lunkle? That's what it sounds like. Hard on. Hard on. Hard on. This is hard on. He's not. You meant. I meant down on his long call. Thank you so much. Okay. Now, Brennan. Yes. Obviously, you understand. He will continue to be hard on his long call. Hard on his long call. You understand. He says, oh, I fucked up my own name again. Oh, I can't get anything right. Hard on his puzzle. Is he oozing blood from a gunshot? Yeah, he goes, he fucking shot, and he collapses to the ground. Oh, shit ass. I'm going to fix it. Hard on. Can I just call you hard on for short? If you want, man. I do want very much blood. All right, Chip, you got it. You got it. I'm going to give him a blood transfusion because I don't see how it's that different from an oil change. uh go ahead and we're gonna call this chaos yeah we call this chaos uh give me two chaos here we go two beautiful reds the red blood of of guy ferrari i didn't say the blood was coming from me all right here we go we got a red and green green yeah it'll be my own blood on a red and a green, can I ask, which of those tokens are you getting rid of? Yeah, yeah. Don't put it on the ground. Is that your final order? No. No, okay. Going into it, your blood is not enough. You are going to have to put, and you'll see that he's lost more than just blood. He's lost a lot of tissue. Yeah, can I get in there and with a real tiny grill, can I cauterize the wound? And I'm going to put him on it. It's real small. Put some of your meat in him. That's a good point, yeah. Guys, I can't even fucking conceive of the show in my mind's eye anymore. Like, I can't conceive of it. I open up the... What are you saying? I open up the refrigerator in my chest cabinet. What? This is canon. This is actually pre-established. I put him on the car lifts and raise him up. I just hook the blood drain in the head. I take a little bit of tinderloin, right up in there, and then I get the tiny grill and I, you grill it down. I'm going to need an order from you. That's order? Just as it's intended by God's plan, he's cauterizing a wound with a tiny grill that he pulled out of his chest. Yeah. Oh. I took the man. I took the man. I said I never would, but I took the man. The forbidden meat. the meat that must not be cooked the meat that must not be cooked as you steer the grill into the side of the down on his lunkle aka hard on you see he screams out in pain as he does that's just because he's cooking him with a grill he goes oh shit that burns and the blood burns too grow up hurts don't it It's just blood. I give him a Hertz donut. That is instinctual and I don't know why I do it. As he screams from the four corners of the dad lands, the scream echoes out. Uncle Sam. Ah! Damn it. There they are! And Scrooge, Sam, Thrasselmeyer, who again is the magician uncle from the Nutcracker Ballet. Yeah. And Poseidon. all perfectly pinpoint your location. You have mere moments to act quickly. And in that last moment before you must leap into action, you see Ground Keith calls out, Fuck out of my ass! Ultimate Uncle, I'll betray! I'll betray too! I eat him. give me give me chaos one that's chaos i agree on that one that's a chaos token i would i would like him to not eat i eat him i eat ground beef i eat them real good that's why i cooked him yeah you eat the most badly burned small pile of ground beef ever every face in the audience could catalog every human emotion right now it's amazing i've seen the real gamut of human experience. I'm a little bit different. As you do, you see that looking up at you from the ground as you consume this last sort of betraying meat spirit. You see that the down on his uncle looks up and goes, thank you. It all makes sense to me. You guys are on a mission from the dad lands. You're trying to find whatever's beyond the avuncularity and your enemy, Walton Goggins killed all the uncles to distill them into four conceptual uncles that are Uncle Sam, Uncle Screwed, Uncle Drosselmeyer, and Poseidon. Like you do. And you almost got betrayed by a ground beef spirit and you just saved my life and now I'm here to help. That all checks out, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Yeah, it tracks, man. Well? Time to start the adventure. No, well. And that's our first half! We'll be right back. Thank you I a gamer and that means sometimes I play games where I have to subscribe and pay like a monthly fee in order to play them, and then I stop playing them and I forget to cancel with that monthly fee, and then I look back and I've lost like $15,000 from it. Well, guess what? I don't have to worry about that anymore because now I've got Rocket Money in my corner. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. I've used Rocket Money more times than I can count to just do a quick diagnosis of my current subscriptions, but they also do lots of other stuff. They can categorize all of your transactions to see where your money is going, help you set budgets for certain categories, and it consolidates all of your different accounts into a single dashboard so you get just a clear picture of your financial health all in one place. It really does what it does extraordinarily well, and I can't recommend it enough. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com slash adventure. That's rocketmoney.com slash adventure. One last time, rocketmoney.com slash adventure. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. You've heard us talk about Squarespace so many times over the years because they are one of our most loyal and generous sponsors. But did you also know that we're not just paid spokespeople? We're clients too, man. We have all made websites using Squarespace, and it could not be easier genuinely to make something online that makes you look probably a lot more professional than you actually are and a lot more web savvy than you actually are. No matter what you need a website for, you're offering goods and services that you need to sell, you need to get paid through any number of different options, well, they can help you do that too. They can help you do built-in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools for your business or whatever. It's really incredible. They just have a library of really professional-looking templates that you just kind of drag and drop, and you don't have to know anything about, you know, coding or whatever. They help you style something up that looks really, really nice, and no experience is required at all. Head to squarespace.com slash adventure for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use offer code adventure to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Got a few announcements. Before you get back to the rest of the episode, we got some new merch up in the McElroy Merch Store over at McElroyMerch.com. A new T-shirt with a helping is always a free action design on it. There's 20 make-it-stick enamel pins on there. Lots of really, really great stuff this month. And 10% of all of our merch proceeds this month will be donated to Border Angels, whose services include educational programs, water drops in the desert, day laborer outreach, Familius Reunitas Immigration Bond Fund Program, and shelter aid support in Tijuana to aid migrants and asylum seekers in need. I also want to let you know that I have a book coming out very soon. It's a choose-your-own-adventure book. It's called The Stowaway. It's appropriate for middle-grade readers, but I think it's a rollicking adventure, a survival tale set in outer space that anyone would get a thrill or two out of. There's intrigue. There's action. There's stunts. There's everything that a book can't have, I think. Those are the three, right? I said action and stunts, right? Yeah, no, that's all of it. So you can preorder that now at bit.ly slash griffinstowaway, and it would be, gosh, just a huge help to me if you would consider doing that. The book is $10, and it comes out, again, on March 10th. So don't wait. Go ahead and secure your copy today. That's it. Enjoy the rest of the episode. We will be back with a new one in two weeks. So talk to you then. Bye. Howdy there. So sorry to interrupt whatever amazing show you were listening to, but it's time for an ad. I'll be so quick and get back to your show. Don't worry. I'm host Austin. One half of a podcast called Secret Histories of Nerd Mysteries that I make with my good friend Brenda. We talk about the pop culture stuff you like, like Thundercats and Yu-Gi-Oh! Did you know that the Thundercats are cousins of the bear faucet? Or that Yu-Gi-Oh! once caused a riot? You probably want to know more. You can find us on Maximum Fun or wherever you get podcasts. Every single Tuesday. back i will spiral out in a way that what he's just showing you the whistle but he's not actually going to blow it it's broken because i broke it i conceived of it being broken in the avuncularity And it broke it. We return now. Wait for... Let's hear it for our poster artist, Faye Day. Thank you, Faye Day. We're going to do a poster. Yeah, let's get this out of the way now. Also, the Paul Memorial... Paul Stoborn Memorial Cam-Fu Drive. Thank you all so much for being here. Let's hear it for Brennan. Yay! Now, Brennan, where can... Now, Brennan, if people here are interested in finding your work... Where would they go to do that? Well, please, you can find plenty of work from Dimension 20, Game Changer, Make Some Noise, over on Dropout.tv. And you can also listen to Worlds Beyond Number, wherever fine pods are cast. You can find that on Patreon for Worlds Beyond Number. And then Brandon Lee Mulligan on various socials that are not as fully evil as social networks become, but in the medium range of evil. You can find me on those social networks. Your average normal amount. The ones that are still kind of evil, but also still worth the time. Those where you're like, I think you're selling my data, but I don't know to who yet, so fine, I'll stay here. The proceeds from the Camp Food Drive are going to go to the second harvest food bank of Orange County. All right. Okay, Dad, no more whistles. No more whistles. What is this for? No more whistles. Now, Brennan... I'm getting rid of all Dad's whistles. Brennan... I believe a flag has been thrown on the plane. Yes. I'm calling for a review of the last 90 seconds of the first day. Yeah, I hear all dad's whistles. We return 90 seconds into the past. Red, rough, and sore. You behold that the down on his uncle is about to die. But it was go down on him. No. Well, that's going to do it for us. Thank you, everyone. Yeah. I am now sick. I was not sick before my dad said that, and then I was made sick by it. Family unity? Yeah, that's exactly actually what you just ruined. Good job. As Coach Red Ruffin's Thor sees time fold back at this instant review, where do you want to intercede? You see the down on his lunkle is bleeding out. Guy Ferrari is about to perform the blood transfusion. You see that shortly after that, Briquette is going to grill that which must not be grilled. Is it just man, man, man must not be grilled. Is it just him seeing this or are we all seeing the flashback in this moment? I think you are all seeing the flashback mediated through Red Ruffin's command as all sports dads command over the flow of time itself. Chip looks at himself to see if he's pulling off the tanks up. Give me. This is about you. Yes. Go ahead and give me an order pull. You can do it, Juice. Just show me that green stuff. There we go. Chip, you look relaxed, with it, vibrant, hip, healthy, and most of all, happy. Thank you. Great. Perfect. Feel good. Feel strong. Are you giving Justin that extra chip? Yes, okay. There was one on the floor. Does that work that way? It works that way. When you see it, you get a chip back. It's a good game. Cool. Red, where do you intercede on the play? I want to give a pep talk to him before we resort to the Donner party. Okay. Go ahead, and you intercede, give a pep talk. Wait. I need to draw a chip out for him? You can talk for free. All right, boy, listen. I know you've fallen fire, and you're all shot, and you're a bum, and, you know, you're kind of down on your luck. Who are you? Okay, you're talking to the uncle. Talking to the uncle. You're going to have pets talking about the house. Let me talk for God's sake. Holy crap. Does anybody else feel like they're 11 because I feel... Right? We all... Dad had that accent when he was younger. Yeah, he taught it out of himself for the internet. Listen, I know things are hard. That's how we were raised, imagine. That's crazy. But you know what? Ruffin's Sores don't quit. No, that was McElroy's Don't Quit, which is a lie. We quit all the time. But you know what? I know, as an uncle, you've got under your couch some old dirty magazines. And, you know, they're probably worth a great deal of money on eBay. So I want you to get off that couch, drop, give me 20, and then spring up a new man. A man that doesn't want to be cooked. No, not cooked. That's the other guy. Doesn't want to be a bum on somebody else's couch. No, I was about to cook him. Okay, you don't want to be cooked. I want you to stand up. And I want you to look right into their faces and spit in their eye. I spit. I rather you do. Spit in their eye and tell them you're a winner and not a quitter. I get the feeling some of you in this audience really needed someone like Dad to say that to you. With the beauty and passion and ardor of that speech, I'm going to give you three throws at the cornhole. Wait, wait. Do they have to be bags? They do not have to be bags. Save this man's life, Clint. If you fail to make the throw with a ball, no. I can see the ball just sucks. That's his dick. It sucks that I can see that, man. If you miss it, we'll erase the evidence of your previous throw. Guys, when Jack confidently throws and misses, the pleasure I experience is going to overwhelm me. I will not be able to speak because I'll be so delighted by the hubris that his wings melt before me. I'm going to backstop it here just in case it goes wide, and I don't want you to lose your special ball in your chat. Go get it again. Oh, yeah, it's good. That's troll up there. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Give me one. Three throws of any object. Okay, he's starting with beanbags. Here we go. Beanbags, her first throw. He's standing at the... You'll get him next time, champ. Oh, yeah! That was a first throw success. Now that was from the lowest difficulty. Really a low difficulty. Nowhere to go but up, Matt. Get greedy. Get greedy. Right. Get greedy. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Stepping back to the middle line. My confection has grown even sweeter. Here we go. Now let the hubris drip down from your loose. Buckets. Oh, that was close. That was close, but that was a miss. This is already a success on the cornhole throw. We are just seeing if this success is explosive or not. On your final throw, here we go. This is it. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Okay. I love you, son. I love you, son. For those of you at home, he missed on the middle line. He's moved back to I love you, son. I love you, son. The most powerful throw of all. Here we go. Yeah. Follow spot. Can't even imagine a throw that far. All right, Dad. This is to convince an uncle not to give up and get cooked on a George Foreman grill. Yeah. Let's see. It looks like he's going with... Ah, yes. The fourth re-formation. Here he goes. Absolute silence in the audience. Absolute silence. Quiet. Quiet. Silence from everyone. I'm sorry. Silence. Sorry. Here we go. Shut up. Toby. No. Sorry. No, that was short by a mile. No B. But he did get a success. Yeah, it still feels as good, right? I'm so glad that third throw was worth it, if only to get the quietest story in the world from someone who I think for a moment was like, I was the only person talking. Yeah, it was your fault. Gary, someone that you could tell they're a fan of ours, They just felt compelled to apologize for cheering at a live show. Yeah. As Red, you move through time and space, peering through into the past, correcting the timeline with this impassioned speech. You see the down on his uncle goes, oh, God. Wait, I could sell all that porn. flips over onto his stomach knocks out a quick 20 push-ups one, two, three collapses to his stomach reaches under the couch grabs a bunch of porn goes, I'm gonna turn my life around like every great story of a hero it starts with scooping out All the classic vintage porn from under his bed. Atta boy. He goes, he wraps his arms around you. You're a good brother, and I want to be a good uncle. And all the uncles out here, I'm turning this around right now. I'm going to get on eBay and I'm going to sell this porn to hopefully, I don't know, an eccentric millionaire or somebody. Adults. Yeah. Adults. Yeah. Oh, for sure. Implied, I think. Yeah. Hey, adults are the only kind of people that exist. Right. True. In porn buying in every other regard. Just remember that, folks. It's canon that in dad lands, anybody can buy porn. With this chronomancy on the behalf of Coach Red Ruffin's store, not only does the down and his uncle leap into action, restoring, you see, to an uncle that, like a dad, thrived on law and chaos. You see, he restores his first order token back into himself and ends his deadbeat status. Do do I still canonically eat ground teeth or in this moment, the timeline has been averted and you see ground teeth, who has not yet been eaten, does not betray and instead goes. Wow, that was beautiful. Shit ass. Dude, you got to watch your language. What? I think there's children listening. Oh, wait. I want to. I want to help. I don't want to just be a bunch of burnt old bits of ground up beef at the bottom of a grill. Don't. If he. I was going to eat him. No, don't do it. If this guy can do 20 push-ups and sell porn like an honorable man, then maybe I don't have to be grilled ground beef. Maybe I could be a, and in conceptual space, he goes, maybe one day I could be a hamburger. And he congeals into a patty and goes, I don't want to be ground Keith anymore. I want to be, and a little bit of cheese congeals on top of him, I want to be a cheeseburger. Hey, Paul, can you double check the script? Did we have, did we write cheeseburger in there? Is that right? It's crazy. Did I have my red review flag back? He's nodding yet. Perfectly. Yeah, I guess that's what we scripted. All right. Keith's burger. It's like Keith's burger. No, yeah, no, no, no, no. 100%. Yeah, it's so good, dude. It's not that we didn't get it. Oh, now that I know it's definitely in, I'm buying in a fuller, yeah. Gotcha, great. As you see, he says, or we can stay with Greg. No, please, be what you want to be. That's what. I want to be scared. Here come the uncles. Gah! And you see Uncle Sam comes barreling after you. What do you do? I tell the other three to get out of the VW bug. Are we out of the VW bug? It would be crazy if this whole thing happened inside of a little bus. I hop in the VW van, and I start whipping shitties. Well, I guess he's just leaving. Bye, I guess. No, I'm doing donuts. You don't see someone doing donuts and think they're leaving. In fact, I would say doing donuts is the exact polar opposite of believing. Sure, yeah. You start pulling donuts. Hell, yeah. Sorry, whipping shit. I want you to say the phrase whipping shit. Whipping shit, yeah. He wants to face yourself. Great. You start whipping shitties, a term I have never heard of before this instance. Yeah. Hey, Brennan, just so you know, that's not like an us thing. I've never heard it. No, this might be that time travel loop paradox of who wrote Hamlet kind of deal. I'm pretty sure I heard it somewhere else. You think it was William whipping shitties? No. Travis heard whipping shitties on my brother, my brother, and me. But he didn't say it. It's fucked up, man. Don't worry about it. Anyways, I'm whipping shitties. Yeah. And I pop open the glove compartment. Oh, wow. And I flip the switch that turns on the solar panels and biodiesel of this VW van given to us by a hippie ant. Hell yes. Because I assume sustainable energy is Uncle Sam's weakness. Hell yes. I am going to ask for a cornhole toss. Fuck yeah. You're going to get two sacks on this one. A throw from the near line will get you a mortal blow. If you want to instantly destroy this conceptual uncle, you've got to go back to at least our second line. I mean, get the real deal. No, don't consult the audience. Don't kill him, dude. Get your microphone so you can say, oh, I missed. Okay. Here we go. From line two. Yeah. He can't have the... So why do you need two hands to throw? I don't understand. Here we go. Here we go. Balance. One is for A. No one heard that. Here we go. No one heard that. Justin, here he goes. He's lying out of the... oh so close so close right over it's not stepping forward he's starting he's staying at the middle line got it silent silent here we go and yep yeah that's good yeah get it oh another now Skipper, right? Now you're really whipping shitties. Skye, you see, as you open up the solar panels and all of the gear on top of this ant, this hippie ant man, you see that Uncle Sam screeches and looks and goes, You think I can't destroy renewable energy? You think it's not within me to do so? And a beeping button appears. A beeping button appears on the VW bus in your in your driver's seat that goes, hey, if you want, we we have we have a different kind of renewable energy. If you want to summon in a constructed ant presence, a constructed ant presence to fight Uncle Sam with with sort of material sciences, we recommend the most powerful artificial ant of all, antimatter. Do you want to summon antimatter? Yes, I do. And as I summon it, I'm also going to dive out of the van and let the AI take over. You dive out of the van. Wait, if I let the AI take over, is Uncle Sam going to like that? Far from it. This is not an artificial intelligence. It is instead a constructed persona made of the collective might of all ants in their resistance to blowhard screaming uncles everywhere. It's AI. It's ant-ish. Yeah. It's antish. You summon antimatter? Yeah. Friends, Aabria Iyengar, please come on out here. This is a lot of pressure. Please describe what happens as the VW bus transforms into a mecha ant. The VW bus stops. It's mid-donut, and it rolls over. and in a barrel roll, first you smell it, a beautiful buttery Chardonnay on the wind, and then a cloud kicks up. That cloud smells like, what do aunts smell like? Patchouli. Yeah, patchouli. 100%. Yeah, patchouli. Patchouli. A scattering of crystals, quartz, like a candle, and then standing from it, an aunt in paisley With an overly, like, she looks like she's coming to or from an art project. There's clay and, like, paint on her and no sign of a completed craft anywhere, because that's how ADHD works. Hello, boys. As anti-matter scares down Uncle Sam, Aabria, I'd like you to take three throws for me on the cornhole. You choose, right? Maybe one from each? Your shot, same deal. First line is mortal blow, but if you get two mortal blows, that's a wrap on Uncle Sam. Whoa, that's a good deal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go. This is your chance. Here we go. Complete silence. To kill America. Complete silence. She knows. Oh! You can get it. It's okay. Oh, we got one on the rim. No! Brickette, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yes. Me too. Me too. Let's get to jumping. Hold on. You remember the last time when we jumped to make it go in? Oh, yeah. Sorry. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yay. It's a miracle! It's a miracle! Just took a little bit of stomp. A little stomp work. A little stomp work never hurt nobody. Uh, antimatter. Um uh go ahead and give me antimatter attack on Uncle Sam She looks him in the eye and as he screeches like an eagle she says Oh sweetie Oh, no. Okay, those are big feelings. I'm going to bruise some tea. Why don't we sit down and talk about it? Everyone, a pre-Ingor! A pre-Ingor! That's the best. What a treat. just take it that's amazing thank you Bria take it Paul literal best is that coming out of my share yeah okay that's fine a mortally injured Uncle Sam goes energy surrounds and shreds the American flag vest gets to fall from the sky but before he can crash and be smothered you see a massive wave surrounds him Let the soft waves of the Aegean Sea, which is the sea surrounding Greece, which again questionably exists in this timeline, protect Uncle Sam as Poseidon appears beside you. What are you going to do? Well, I am going to throw a bunch of balls at Poseidon's. I have a lot of luck with throwing things in monsters' mouths. Oh, that's much better. Thank God you're here, son. What? We're going to have a... Son! That was his dad talking to me. Oh, okay. That was supposed to have been sotto voce. We're going to have us a trident fight. Oh, yeah? Wait, hold on. Justin made a face. Yeah, Justin, was that what you suggested to Dad when he said Dad's better? Much better. Okay, hold on. Hold on. So you're telling me the order of events was Dad said a thing about throwing balls in Besson's mouth. And Justin leaned over and said something, and Dad said, oh, that's better. And then Dad said, but wait. Then he came up with a third even more kick-ass idea. Yeah. It's irrelevant how the muse doth flitter. one one one don't know how the mused off twitter incredible uh okay so trident fight here we go yeah uh i love it uh out of curiosity justin what did you say you should have a a javelin throwing competition yeah but i love that but trident fight is better he was right about it i wasn't gonna like pump the brakes because like trident fight right i mean better so you guys Like the parts where the two tridents get hooked, they're like, ah! That's cool, man. Yeah, man. And cool hand symbol to symbolize. Coach Red! Hey, what three tridents may or may not get up to. Coach Red, a single order token will wound Poseidon. A second may destroy him utterly, and a third, if you dare be so bold, to try to pull three in a row. There's no way. You may not even have three of them. First. Abrea just yelled, do it! Token the first. We need order. I need green. Beautiful green. Beautiful green. Show me that green! Yes! Green! Trenant fight! Wait, you... No, hold on. First of all, you keep the token. Oh. Yeah, don't throw that one away. Second of all... You don't put it back. you just hold on to it, correct? Yeah, because otherwise you'll fill up the pool. So, second token, if you just wound him, but if you want to try to destroy him right now, you just need another green. Yes, yes, God, I've seen this look in his eyes before. I came here to you try to... Please emphasize green. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry, query. Shouldn't this green go back in? Because it doesn't seem like it should be less likely. No? Wow, we made the game. Yeah. Sorry, man. I think that was my part, so I should be able to amend it. I wish I had a yet older brother I could feel, too. Sorry, Justin. Here we go. I took it to the highest order. Here we go. Big green? Yes. Green! That's a second green. Stick the dry minute and it really twisted. Incredible. Now, are you... Can we... Hold on. Take a second. The idea of stabbing someone with a trident and twisting it is wild. Yeah. You've made a donut of a person. You've turned it into a pineapple corer. Let me tell you something about Coach Red. Okay. Red believes in the one God. Cool, man. Go away. And it ain't this guy. Whoa. Hold on. Hold on. You're saying God the Father. Red? Yeah. Yeah. I prefer God the Dad. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. Clint, it's okay. You got to let it. I can't. I know. Hold on. I know. Hold on. With that, do you want to go for the third poll or we want to call it here too? Don't get fucking greedy, man. What happens if there will be an additional effect past destroying Poseidon? Clint. Oh, my God. He's going to become the new Poseidon. Clint. Clint. Clint. Hit that in. Hit that in hard. Clint. Clint. Clint. Clint. Oh, God, I'm scared now. Yeah, me too. Yeah, man. Should have thought about that before you pulled out the token. What is it? Justin, you look at it. I don't want to look. Breathe! Breathe! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! All right, so. Wow. Uh, uh, Red, you... Oh, God, I just hugged Andy Matter. Boom! Uh, Red, you surge forward with the trident. Uh, uh, describe what happens as you lunge forward after Poseidon. Well, I... I stuck it. I twisted it. So the tines are up and down. And I ran it right up. Poseidon goes like a fish how ironic as Poseidon leans backwards you see falling being disassembled in sexual space he goes I don't understand I am the lord of the tides how could you have destroyed me and behind you you hear oh tide whoa the I wrote that. No, Brennan did just now. Did the spirit of Alabama sports show up? The spirit of Alabama sports shows up and says, only Alabama will be the true god of the season. One of my favorite things that happens when Brennan plays with the macro is Brennan will say, something like bigger will happen and he's thinking, they'll fail. and then we succeed and he's written a check that he has to count and he does effortlessly um you as you invoke the name of god the father which we all kind of knew what happened right it's a little predictable uh only only uh uh you see that uh surging forward the mortally injured but still alive shrieking eagle monster of Uncle Sam looks up and says, you think you can defeat me? God's on my side. And from above you, you hear, hey, kiddo, God has no nationality. And the Lord destroys Uncle Sam. You know, I'm traveling out of the country in a couple of months. I'm never going to get back in, am I? No, you are not. You're welcome. Yeah. However, at this exact moment, leaping from the shadows, a one-eyed German magician leaps out and says, It's me, Uncle Drusselmeyer. I'm the... I'm the... I'm also surprised I wasn't involved in that last exchange. Okay. That's when Chip... Okay. Chip Hugginsby sprints at that guy. Right? And then he sprints around him to get to Scrooge. Wait. Do you need more facts about who we can interact? The amount of time we spend on you depends on how much time we have left in the show. Running forward, you see Scrooge. You see that... You rush forward. I need a hero. I'll never refuse to see you tonight. You see Scrooge sees you coming. He reaches to his right through the ghost of Christmas future. Wait. Ghost of Christmas future. Give me a ray gun from the distant future. No, wait. Because I'm a Disney fan, I'm going to do the one thing I do better than anything else, and that's ruin the magic. Because those ghosts aren't real. They're created by a visual effect called Pepper's Ghost. You see, when you angle a piece of glass at a 45 degree angle and then shine lights upon mannequins that are behind the 45 degree angle, it can create the visual illusion of ghosts dancing or appearing to dance in an empty space in an effect. Oh, the cold peppers ghost. Justin, you know, I'm going to need three cornhole throws, three beautiful cornhole throws. You can fucking do it, man. Put that... One. No less. Two. Oh! Yes! Bumping in the second, overhanging one with the third. Justin McElroy scores the success. A gorgeous, gorgeous throw. Anytime I can be impressive at sports in front of my dad, it gives me a genuine, not-for-show thrill. and I do appreciate you all being here and facilitating that you're going to be working through that for a bit I'll be riding high thank you the optical illusion of all three ghosts is shattered as by mirror glass leaving a 19th century landlord as your only opponent and then I reach into my holster and I pull out a colorful gun and I say, don't worry, it's a small hole. You pull out a gun, no pull necessary, you blast Scrooge away. Thank you very much. He looks and goes, tell me, what day is it? It's the day of your funeral. Scrooge is fucking dead. Leaving. Sorry, let me try again. It's the day to sell your curtains. Yeah, that's good. That's good shit. Air five. Thank you. Um, Uncle Droselmeyer turns around and says, quickly, someone establish a relationship with me. I haven't done one yet. Do you want? Yes. Let's. All right. I would love to have us. What? Tell me. You got to give me fucking anything about you, Uncle Nutcracker. Okay. Okay. Okay. So in the ballet, there is a toy. It's a nutcracker. Yeah. Um, there's like a mouse king who's in some versions like a rat. That's crazy. So, is there something with, like, rat and meat and... I think it's crazy that you guys are doing the literal thing that is going on in your brains, but you're doing an owl. No, we're just fucking talking, right? There's got to be something like a rat guy, right? And you're an actual magician. You do actual magic. Yes, I'm a true sorcerer, but I do it. I use the dark secrets of magic to make toys that come to life and make my niece have a horrible time. Colder, colder, colder. No, no, no. I do a very similar thing, but with the forbidden meat. It seems like we, you know what? You like arcane tomes and texts and stuff? Because I got a bunch of them. I love arcane tomes and texts. Check this out. I pull out the George Foreman, and I open it up, and I'm like, contained within this book is... Secrets! Oh, yes. Certainly a grill would never open like a book. No, no. Why would it? This is no grill. All right. but I'm going to have to get close to be able to read it. Yeah, get real, real close. You're going to need it. And to be fair, Brandon, he is wearing an iPad so he has depth perception issues. Yeah, yeah. He gets in and says, okay, I only am seeing greased things. Are the letters going to reveal themselves? Yeah, they reveal themselves. Did I tell you the name of my magic book? What is it? Oh, it's the Grilmarillion. And I smash his face in it. Griffin voluntarily throwing beanbags. No! Fucking swish! Nothing but net! A swish from you'll get him next time, champ. He's going from the middle. No, no, no. Oh, he's stepping back. That is a success from I Love You Son. That, with the shot heard round the world, folks. That Griffin Sphinxon from I Love You Son. That you hail Uncle Drosemeyer with a George Foreman grill. Clint McElroy has to love Griffin McElroy. You heard it here first. Clint McElroy now has to love Griffin. I love you, son. First time for everything. He started to pretend it was for me, but even that felt wrong. It's so bitter to hear it out loud, Justin. I know, Chris Travis. I know, bud. I know it's possible now, but it wasn't for me. He can't physically say the syllables. Get fucking good at Cornhole. I'm so out of breath. Do you know this is the longest running Adventure Zone story? It is! It started in 2019. Sorry, go ahead. As the villainous Uncle Drosselmeyer, the concept of this magical, strange uncle, has the George Foreman grill clothes on his head, searing flesh, he cries out, Ah, now I know what all those nuts felt like! Bam! Wait, no, don't go. I have no questions. Bring him back. Bring him back real quick. I got a lot of questions. Wait, I can see them coming back for 30 seconds. What do you mean, man? Wait. The movement of a George Foreman grill cracking a skull is sort of a lot like a nutcracker. Do you have a nut thing in your... Is there a nut thing? A nut thing? Nutcracker? Oh, I get it now. Nutcracker. So, all right. It's not like an expression. There are four cracker nuts. All right. See you later. See you later. Uncle Cracker. I'm fucking dead! On that success, briquette, you shut the grill. Have defeated the last of the ultimate uncles. In this moment, you feel all of the sorcery of Uncle Drosselmeyer flow through your nostrils. You have cooked the forbidden meat of man and stolen the powers of a rival wizard. In this moment, the uncle defeated in distant space. You see Walton Goggins standing up. What is this sentence and paragraph? You guys asked me six years ago to come run a game called the Dadlands. I'm into it. I'm so into it. All we want is a Semicolon in your firmware. You gave me a garbage bag full of question marks and said, Mulligan, get to work, okay? Okay. And six years and four episodes later. We love it. And one, several children. Yeah, many children. Like five more kids. Yeah, a lot more kids. One of us who wasn't a dad is one. Yeah, yeah. I didn't put Walden Goggins here. You put Walden Goggins here. Sorry, but you said the magic of Uncle Dros. Okay, let him. The uncle from the nutcracker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got there. Now, Walton Goggins, who is in conceptual space-time created by now-dead uncle physicists, is still being blasted by a summoned fart. Okay? There are people in the audience that look like they're trying to recover their grip on. Yeah. Now, in this moment, you see Goggins, his cheeks rippling, his beautiful dental work, his beautiful white teeth on rippling cheeks being blasted by a fart, looks out in horror and goes, not the treasure. Raquette, you also look and see in this moment. The unclear, this ear shaped singularity and behind it. Much like Chip, you hear, Dad, that's my name. Don't worry now. Goggins, Goggins points to the ear. It's something about the unclear, the unclear. He's pointing at it and saying the treasure, but you don't see it. In this moment, the magic of Uncle Drosselmeyer filling your grill dad hands. You must make a choice on that cornhole throw from I love you, son. You can either use the magic of Uncle Drosselmeyer to permanently destroy your arch nemesis, Walton Goggins, or give up that most needed vengeance and turn your eyes to the voice behind the avuncularity. You must choose now. I have learned so much on our quest. Before, I thought the only power was the power granted to us by the ashen gods of the charcoal pit. Now I know different. There's one thing important in this life, Walton, and you never understood that. That's the fireworks from the Angels game next door. I knew it would work out. Keep going. Keep going. I say there's no power in this world more important than family. And sometimes, Walton, sometimes, Walton, a family is just for dads. And I kill Walton Goggins. As Walton Goggins, real-life character actor Walton Goggins, is unmade. Living man! Living man! Living man! Guy who might hear this, Walton Goggins. Oh my god, can you imagine? That'd be the fucking coolest thing ever. Humiliated. You see, the fireworks... Can you imagine Walton Goggins being mad at us? We have to end this while the fireworks are happening. You see that the fireworks uncles come back from the dead. All of the lost uncles come back. Walton Goggins is unraveled. I can't believe that's the call you made. Revenge. Chokey returns to you. Oh, Brickett. I'm so sorry. I missed you so much, Chokey. I made a horrible little ground beef man. Ground keys or ground key. Ah, my ass. No one gives a shit about me. Brennan. Yes. I would like to offer up. The fireworks are getting so loud, man. Yeah. With the power of the fireworks drawing me in. Yes. And thinking how great it would be to impress someone. Yeah. That wasn't another adult. Yeah. That could do that themselves. I would like to offer up my two last law tokens to reset the GPS towards the sound beyond the unclear. earlier. Thank God, man. You seem different, guy. Sorry, man. What? Oh, my God. He's gone full deadbeat. With underneath me forms a motorcycle. Wait, which I rev twice and ride off into the distance. No! You ride off into the distance marking the way towards the avuncularity, towards the unclear. In that unclarity, you go full deadbeat. Fireworks. Conveniently. In this moment, in this moment, the four dads, our four dads are fractured. One of your dads has been lost to the forces of deadbeat, giving everything he can to find that voice. There is a treasure I have mentioned multiple times. We we will end here on a cliffhanger unless unless in this moment, unless in this moment we will end in a cliffhanger where Guy disappears full deadbeat motorcycle over the horizon, abandoning his three dads to what end? We will not possibly know. We will end on that cliffhanger unless any of you knows my hidden secret, the puzzle, the treasure in this moment. If any of you can, if any of you know how to produce the treasure of the unclear. And I, I think I know. Rickette. It's from the ancient magics that I learned in Ashton University. I just kind of reach up and say, what's that behind there? Exactly right. not not yet and i get a law token back from behind my ear brings me back from the brain and i say none of the other three of us know how to drive a car oh yeah okay cool man yeah yeah yeah the treasure made real the unclear revealed behind it through the entrance beyond the of funcularity to ever, ever land the land of children. That's all for our show. Thank you all so much. You've been fucking rad. Thank you. Thank you.