160: Become The Woman He's Terrified To Lose (Do This)

Hi gorgeous, welcome back. I want you to think of today as the ultimate how to, okay? Because today I'm going to show you exactly how to become the woman. He is terrified to lose, okay? Not a concept, not some like random like woo-woo idea. The actual daily practice is that build the woman he's scared to lose from the inside out and how to start doing it in your own life. I have helped a lot of women completely transform how they show up in their relationships and mainly for themselves and that is what I can tell you about. It is a lot simpler than most people make it out to be actually and yes, I know because the woman he's terrified to lose, yeah? She is not a finished product, contrary to popular belief with like a BBL and everything. She has anxiety, she has insecurities, she's a human being but she is someone who's actively choosing herself every single day. Every day in the middle of uncertainty, in the middle of whatever is happening in the relationship and today I'm going to show you exactly what that looks like so you can use this blueprint for yourself and your relationships and then you're going to tell me that it works, yeah? So you can experience this for yourself, you can try it and I'm walking you through the five qualities that make a woman genuinely magnetic so that he's afraid to lose you. Also, before we dive in, I want to let you know about something before it closes. I want to tell you about the unbothered woman community. The doors closed on April 16th so you got time to just get in, right? The women inside are already experiencing this transformation in real time, they're chatting on WhatsApp and if you want that full support of a community and you get five videos and about how to transform yourself into the ultimate unbothered woman, please join before we finish because once it's gone, it's gone, my team's not going to be working on it anymore, okay? Okay, let's get into it because I know what you came here for, you cheeky little squirrel, you want to know how to make him so scared to lose you because you don't want to always be the one chasing him, right? Before we start with the five qualities, I need to address something. I hear this all the time and it keeps a lot of women stuck in a cycle. The idea is that you need to leave first, like you need to exit the relationship. Before you start healing journey, before you start like putting yourself first, you need to like dump him and leave the relationship before you can become this ultimate woman and sometimes space is necessary, I'm not going to pretend it isn't and also I don't know your relationship, maybe it's got something terrible in it that you need to leave, but that idea is that you cannot begin the work inside a situation isn't true because that is one of the biggest misconceptions keeping women stuck that you look like need a new man in order to become the ultimate version of yourself. The relationship is not the obstacle, babe. It's actually great practice ground. Even if you don't want to be with him anymore, every interaction, every triggering moment, every time you want to check his phone and do all this anxious malaki that you're doing, why not practice on the man you already have even if you don't want to be with him because you will see him change and then you will see what potential that relationship has. You don't need to be single to do the work that is meant to be done in a relationship, right? And in many ways, doing this work inside a relationship is actually more powerful than doing it alone because how can you practice dynamics by yourself without getting real feedback? So don't panic about that. You get to practice regulation in the moment that actually happens and it triggers you because otherwise you're going to repeat it in the next relationship. Not in the comfort of stillness of being alone, but with him there, the discomfort of the dynamic is perfect to practice. It is the exact material you need to work with. The woman he is terrified to lose did not become her in a vacuum by herself in like this magical egg, right? She became her in the middle of real life, in the middle of kids, business, whatever it is. You cannot practice truly. And I think many people say this, they feel that they're going to go into a different relationship and they're going to become some magical, different, unicorn version of themself. But the same things will always come up, right? Right. So now that we've got that cleared up, five qualities, the actual ones that you need to make him afraid to lose you. I'm not going to tell you just what they are, but how to actually develop them because knowing what they are is not enough. You need to actually know how to cultivate them in your life. You have to be able to do something with this. Okay. So quality number one, you need to know how to regulate yourself. Contrary to popular belief, I know people say women are emotional, but self-regulation is key. And before you switch off, because you've heard this before, stay with me because I think most people get this one completely wrong when they try and understand it. Self-regulation is not about suppressing your emotions. Self-regulation is not about pretending to be unbothered, even though that is what we do here, when you're absolutely not. It's not about being like robotic or having no feelings or acting like everything is fine when it isn't. I know that's the idea of socialism. I'm not asking you to be a stone wall, okay? It's about the gap, the gap between feeling something and expressing it. And that is, chefs kiss the best part. The regulated person feels everything. I mean, we're all human, we do. She feels anxiety, the frustration or the fear, the desire to do something. She feels all of it, but she does not immediately pour those feelings onto the nearest person and make them deal with her emotions. She deals with them first. That is maturity and adulthood. She possesses them before she expresses them. You like that alliteration? And that gap between the quiet space and the feeling and the response is we're power lies. It's that like queenly energy. Yeah, those characters that we idolize. Now, why do men respond to this without even knowing why? Or humans or whoever. A man in the presence of a regulated woman feels something he cannot always name and that is safety. Not because he never had needs or emotions or she's never had needs or emotions, but because being around her does not feel like navigating a mind field and having to hold her emotions. Her moods do not dictate the energy of the room. Her whims and anxiety does not become his problem to solve straight away, which women love to do. And because he feels safe around her to be himself, he wants to be around her more mind blowing. He associates her with being like easy to be with genuinely not because she's down for anything and wherever he wants to eat, she does too. But think about the difference about being with someone who's constantly emotionally unpredictable and sulky and moody and delegating their emotions to you, where you never quite know what mood you're walking into versus being around someone where you just feel that they can handle their own emotions. And if you've genuinely done something, they will just address it with you like a normal human being and they'll say, Hey, this wasn't right. You will find reasons to be with them. And that is what it creates without doing anything strategic, just being regulated makes people magnetize to you. Because when you're always a little bit unhinged, I used to always delegate my feelings, not even in my relationship, but with friends, like you feel something, oh, I felt this, oh, I felt that, oh, I felt the other one. That's not right. So what is the practice with that? Because this is useless until you do it in practice, right? I can call this the pause and I talk about it in my Unbothered Woman course. That is exactly what it sounds like. Every time you feel the urge to react to something in friends, relationships, whatever, you want to send some message like ripping their face off, you're not going to bring it up for 60 minutes. You do the pause and you ask yourself one question when you're doing it. Am I about to respond? Or am I about to react? Yeah, responding comes from a grounded place. Someone's done something and you respond. Reacting comes from a triggered one. You react. You do not have to have it all together. You just have to pause long enough to choose what you're doing. Start with one trigger a day, just one, notice it and name it. Pause before you act on it so that you have that power, that one practice done consistently will change your entire dynamic within weeks. I promise you, and if it doesn't, message me. I mean that. I've seen it happen hundreds of times with me, with people, with people in my group, everyone. Okay. When you feel the spike in the chest, the tightening in the stomach dropping, the racing thoughts about how someone's acted towards you, put your feet on the floor, five slow breaths. We've talked about this hand on chest. It's really, really important to regulate yourself. You're not trying to make the feeling go away. You're telling yourself, I'm safe right now. I've got my back. Everything is fine. I do not need to act right now in this place or make this person make me feel better. I can feel this and still choose my response. Over time, your system learns this. What used to feel like an emergency starts to feel like a manageable request. And then it starts to feel normal. Then just a feeling that passes. You pass through it and that rewiring, that is not a small thing. That's an amazing thing. That is the thing that changes the whole pattern of what you're doing and makes you irresistible. Quality one, the pause, the practice of the pause. Write it down, stick it on your mirror, do whatever you need to do. You are now a regulated woman. Just do it. Quality number two that you need. This one I often get emails about, but I need you to pay close attention to it. Okay. Quality two, she has a life that's got nothing to do with him and it's really hard for them to put this into practice, right? Most women in this pattern have made the relationship, the whole identity of everything that they do. And I get it, like you're married, you have a life together without even realizing it, without even computing it. Everything is dictated by him, where you go, what you do, his plans determine your availability, all of it because it's just easier, right? His attention to you determines whether you feel okay that day. And the problem with this, and this is the bit I really need you to hear. 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Yeah, when you're listening to it, it creates a dynamic where you're always giving and rarely receiving, which is hugely problematic because you have outsourced your sense of fullness to someone who cannot be responsible for it. They just cannot be. A man cannot fill a woman who has nothing else filling up her life. Like you're literally asking him for everything. He will try for a while, but it's like a well, and then he will feel the weight of it, literally the weight of you having to outsource everything to him. Not because he doesn't care, and that's the problem, but because it's too much for any one person to carry your whole happiness. Now, what does genuine fullness actually look like in practice for you? Because I want to be really clear when I say it. It is not about being busy or pretending to be busy. Being busy is just another way of outrunning yourself, just pretending to be full. Genuine fullness is about having things in your life that actually feed you as a human being. Friendships that do not revolve around talking about him and how annoying he is. Interests you pursued before you, before he came along and would pursue if he had left. Goals that exist completely independently of the relationship you have with him. You understand? A sense of identity that is yours regardless of whether you are with someone or without someone. This is not about being cold or unavailable too. It's just about being true to yourself. It's about being a whole person who has chosen to include him in your life rather than a person whose life is about him. That makes you endlessly magnetic because think about it. If you outsource everything to him, what is there left of you? He's got to find you attractive too, right? If you outsource everything, there's nothing magnetic about you. People often say they find people most attractive when they're in flow doing the thing that they're good at. If you never seize that, how can you find that in you? I want to name these three things that will genuinely make you feel fuller in your life. Now things to do with him, not things you should enjoy but things you actually do. If you cannot name three things, that is a huge amount of information that you've really neglected your life. That is where you start. Pick one this week. One thing you have been neglecting or a hobby that you've had. One friendship you let go of quietly and address it. One interest you've been putting off until things settle down. Put it in your calendar like an appointment. Do not cancel it even if he wants to talk with you or hang out with you. Not because you're performing independence but because you genuinely owe it to yourself to show up for yourself. Because you're actually building your own life and your own identity around yourself. And the difference between performing it and building it is everything. Because when you genuinely have a full life, you stop being available for things that do not serve you. And that could be this relationship but it could not be. It's not a strategy to make him miss you and to make him chase you but it works because you actually have somewhere else to be. The energy is completely different from the woman who is pretending to be busy because pretending means you're actually free. Men feel the difference immediately, obviously. One feels like a game and is super annoying. That's why it's never worked in the past. And the other one feels like a person who genuinely does not need him to save her from her own life and that is liberating. That is truly irresistible. Quality to is get your life back. Make it a priority. And I mean that genuinely not as a strategy but as a reality. Not as a way to make him miss you but as something that is endlessly attractive. It's an actual necessity for insanity. Okay? Okay, quality three. I'm going to need you to be really honest with yourself for this one. Like uncomfortably honest, okay? Are you ready? Okay, good. Sitting down, breathing. Cool. Most women can tell me exactly what they deserve, right? In theory. I deserve this. I deserve that. They have a list. They know what they will and will not accept and what they want in a relationship. And then the man they like does the thing that he does and the list goes straight out the window. Not because they do not have standards or they don't know them or because they don't have boundaries but because their standards live in their head and their behavior lives in their nervous system. Two different worlds. And when the nervous system is triggered, the head loses every single time. So you can write the list in your head till the cows come home. The woman he's terrified to lose does not have better standards than anyone else. She has standards that are so embodied in who she is, right? That violating them does not feel like a choice. It's not. It feels like a betrayal of herself. So if he violates the standards, that is the difference. So how do standards become embodied rather than just intellectual? Because to be endlessly attractive to men, you need to have those standards. To repetition of one specific behavior. Every time she holds the standard that you have, every time she does not respond to the text that does not deserve a response, because it's stupid and disrespectful or something, every time she does not show up for a dynamic that she does not want to meet, like say he's always late. Every time she chooses herself instead of shrinking because it's time she does that, the standards get reinforced in the nervous system as a level. It stops being something she has to remember and a reflex she genuinely has. And it starts being something she simply is, not something that she does. That process takes time and it starts with one decision and then another and then another and then it layers like a cake, right? So when you choose, for example, if he's constantly late that first time that you stand up from the table after he's half an hour late and you leave, that's going to feel really uncomfortable. That's going to feel really shitty, but you need to do it in order to create those standards for yourself. So what's the practice? Ideally, one standard you have been consistently not holding, just one, not the whole list, not the whole shabazzle, maybe is just not responding to last minute plans, last minute text messages, lateness, maybe not accepting like one word communication, like okay, thumbs up constantly and you're writing all these paragraphs. Maybe it's not tolerating a certain tone, pick one, commit to holding it for two weeks and please do not announce it to him. Do not be like, from now on, if you'd give me a thumbs up, I'm not replying. Just do it. Do it for yourself, not as an announcement. And when you feel the pull to cave and you will feel it, you will feel it, Amanda, I know. Just ask yourself one question, is this who I am becoming or is this who I have been? Yeah? Is this the woman I want to be or is this the same old thing? The question is not rhetorical. It's a genuine choice. Do I want to be her over there that always was or her there? And every time you choose the new answer, you're building a woman you're trying to become, be proud of yourself. Now here is exactly what it looks like externally and why men respond to it without being able to explain why they love it. A woman who holds her standards without drama, without announcing it, without making it like a automaton, finger wagging BS that you guys love to do, who just quietly becomes unavailable to what does not meet her standards, creates a specific kind of respect in a man that nothing else can manufacture or fake. Yeah? He does not always know what changed, but he's just like, huh, okay, I need to do certain things in order to meet her standard. This is different. You know how women always go, I'm so different. I'm so different. Are you really? And they can feel that line when it's drawn. And that line makes her real to him in a way that a woman who can accept everything never quite does. One standard, two weeks, no announcements. I said, no explanations, never complain, never explain. Just do it and watch what happens. Do it and watch what happens. Okay, we're about halfway through. We've got two more points. And before we get to quality number four, I want to mention this because I don't want you crying in my DMs and in my emails. I want to say something to the woman who keep thinking that she needs more, that she wants to like really embody this. And I really don't want you to miss the opportunity to join the Unbothered Woman because I won't be talking about it, obviously, on my next podcast because it'll be done. The transformation does not start when you feel ready, it starts when you take action. And if you want to join Unbothered Woman before it closes, then please do. The women inside of Unbothered Woman are loving it. They're exchanging their book recommendations, they're exchanging all their Instagrams and doing the work, the worksheets and the videos. They don't have it all figured out. But let me tell you, by the end of the five weeks, they will so jump on it. I think we've got four days until it rounds up. And yeah, if you're waiting to sign up, this is your chance to do it. Okay, quality number four, we've got two more to go. This one's important. This one is the most underrated one, I think, in terms of making him be afraid to lose you because it's so simple on paper and so genuinely hard to do. Most women in this pattern are never fully present, right? Even when they're physically there, their mind is somewhere else entirely. And monitoring his energy or analyzing his tone or basically trying to be pleasing for him like a doggy, planning what they're going to say next or do next, replaying the conversations from yesterday that they might have had or not had, rehearsing the one they want to have tomorrow, how they want to appear mysterious or not. So busy managing the relationship from inside their own head that they're never actually in the room and present embodied as a person. And a man feels that absence even when he cannot name it. And I don't think I've ever talked about this point before. He feels like he's talking to someone who's half there, a performer, and half there is never completely enticing. I think about it a lot actually. We live in a world where being fully present has become unusual and like a marker of excellence. Everyone's distracted, everyone's performative, everyone is half in the moment, nobody's truly there. And when someone is actually there, present, you feel it immediately. That's some magnetic shit that you cannot manufacture. You do not always know what it is, but it's there. And why do women respond to presents without understanding why? A woman who's genuinely there who listens without planning her response and being an NPC who laughs without checking if it's appropriate and is like a genuine person who's in her body rather than her head. She's not trying to impress him. She's not trying to manage how she comes across. I saw this girl playing volleyball on the beach the other day with my kids and she was just so present in who she was and so in her aliveness and so in her genuine engagement. It's one of the most rare, most attractive things. A person who is there, present, and actually full and it's so rare to experience that. She was just like running around doing her thing and there was all these performative girlies lying around trying to properly look cute. And I just thought, man, if they could see themselves from the side, they would understand, but they can't. So what is the practice in order to cultivate this? Presence is a muscle and like all muscles, it needs to be trained deliberately, rigorously every day. So once a day, 10 minutes, you do one thing with your full attention. Stop scrolling, not distracted. A meal you actually eat without watching something. A walk where you notice what you see. A conversation where you listen to a person genuinely, actively. Not to respond, but to listen. That's it, just 10 minutes. It's not a big deal. 10 minutes, babe. Full attention. I know it sounds almost impossible in the modern world. I get it. I like a little scrolly scroll, but for a woman whose nervous system has been so hyper-vigilant and others focused, learning to be present in low stakes moments is what makes presents in high stakes moments available eventually. You cannot be present with him if you have never practiced being present with yourself. Why can you not go for a walk for 10 minutes by yourself? And when you're actually present with him, you stop trying to control how the interaction goes because you're more watching him as a viewer than a controller. You ask questions you're actually curious about, not questions designed to get a specific response. You actually laugh when something's funny, not when you think you should laugh and how you should sound and being so performative. You sit in comfortable silence without filling it with noise, yipping like a rat. And he feels the difference. He feels like he is actually with someone of substance and presence, rather than being beside someone who is somewhere else entirely and trying to be someone else and just exhausting. In a world of everybody, why not just be yourself? That feeling will make him want to come back to you because actually we gravitate towards people who have something we want to possess. And a quick disclaimer because I've learned my lesson with this one and it often gets misread, right? This is not about withholding. This is not about playing hard to get or anything like that. It's nothing to do with games entirely. If you notice all of these points, they're not because we need to go into quality in before. Number five, world number five, emotional mystery. Mystery gets a bad rep. And before anyone comes for me, hear me out, I'm not talking about like sitting there with a veil being mysterious. This is one of the most misunderstood concepts because people are like, I want to be myself. I don't want to be mysterious. Relax. It's not about being withholding or fake. It's not about playing games or pretending not to care or cultivating some mysterious persona. It is not about suppressing who you are. Mystery is not the suppression of your personality. It's about one specific practice, not speaking from a peak of emotion. That is what mystery is. Woman who shares every feeling the moment she feels it, who texts when she feels a bit anxious, I'm cold, I'm anxious, brings up the second something bothers her, gapping all the time. She feels it, she says it. It's, it's, that's not authenticity. That's constantly leaking. That's like emotional diarrhea basically without it being understandable. It removes a layer of mystery that makes men and the world genuinely curious about you. This is not just men specific. This is global. Yeah. So when you have some possession about you, before you express what you say, you become someone people want to understand and people lean in because if you're always trusting information that people they lean out, that's the effect. Okay. This is a big difference between these two experiences for a man who's around a woman who feels something and blah, blah, blah, constantly and someone who has possession. The woman he's already feels he has figured out, he stops being curious about her and you feel that lean out. Yeah. The woman who he feels he wants to know more he has to kind of lean into because she's not always expressing exactly everything in that moment. He wants to get closer. That literal magnetism and the pull is real. It's not manufactured. It's just a result of him wanting to know more because she doesn't express everything straight away. And that's a distinction, isn't it? Because this is not about suppressing feelings and pretending you're fine with everything. That's not what mysterious is or like, you know, hiding in the bushes or whatever you think it means. There is no appropriate time to express your feelings. But the one question I want you to ask yourself is, are you expressing from a regulated place or from a peak of emotions? You just felt it and you blurted it out. Expressing from the peak looks like replying to a text at 11pm that you will regret in the morning because I don't know you've had a drink or something. Bringing up the thing in the middle of an argument when the context is all wrong, but you just want to like spice it up. Crying about something that's been building up for weeks in a moment that catches him completely off guard and has got nothing to do with anything. Regulated expression is the same feelings, same honesty, same vulnerability, but the timing is controlled by you. The words are considered and the delivery is calm and the impact is completely different. And that is what mystery feels like. Every time you feel the urge to express something, this is the practice, how you're going to cultivate it by text, in person or on the phone, you're talking to him, ask yourself this one question first before you do. Am I at the peak of this feeling right now? Or could I express it later in a more cool, interesting way? Not forever. I'm not saying suppress it, but just give it an hour or so in order to process. I'm not saying in every situation, but when you feel a peak of emotion, so that you can process how you're going to say it, and when the peak has passed, you decide, was it worth expressing? Does it still need to be said? Was I just reacting to something? And it often comes up in moments like, I don't know, you'll be out in a cafe somewhere and he will glance at a girl half, like just a little bit and you're like, why are you looking at her? You know, those kind of situations where you probably, if you look back at it, you shouldn't have said it. You should have said it from a more grounded place, maybe you need to notice that he does it all the time, then you can come to him with actual information. Hey, here, here, here, I noticed you behave like this, or you were rude to my friends here, here, and here, and I didn't like that. You showed that part of your personality, you can provide evidence. A woman who holds herself first becomes someone who's genuinely, who people are genuinely curious about. Yeah, he wants to get to know her more, wants to get to know her opinions. If you're in a relationship where you feel he never asks you questions, or never leans in, or never wants to know about your interests, it's probably because you're divulging so much information, he feels there's no mystery to you. He feels that there's nothing to lean into, or ask. That happens in friendships too, okay? Okay, so here is a one I want you to take away from today, and I hope it's been helpful, not a list or a checklist of ways to make him like crazy about you, just this. The woman he is terrified to lose, who is she? She's not some mythical creature that other women get to be and you are not. She's just a version of you that has decided to start choosing herself first, consistently, daily, in small moments, all the time, over other things and emotions and other people. The pause becomes the reaction, the plan she keeps for herself, all the things that we discussed in this video are vital, and the thing that it pivots on is you being self-possessed and knowing who you are before you let other people decide it. Anyway guys, thank you so much for listening, for watching. Let me know if you like this format, let me know which of the locations you like more. Are we on the sofa? Are we in the kitchen? Are we at the table? Where are we? And let me know what you want to hear about on this podcast, because we've been talking a lot about anxious attachment, anxiety, men, because we're doing the Unbothered Woman course that closes on the 16th, but since it's closing, we are free to move into becoming the best version of you, maybe work, maybe how to be the person you want to be, because I'm all over that if you want to know. Yeah, so leave it in the comments, let me know. I do this for you, so you let me know. You let me know. We are under your control. Love you lots like Jay, I'll see you in the next one. Bye!