Bert's Not Dead | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100% Let me tell you something. I'm going to be real, okay? Look, we all grew up in McDonald's. McDonald's fucking rocks. McDonald's is awesome. But I'm going to be really honest. McDonald's Big Mac, their signature sandwich, does not hold a candle to a Whopper with cheese or to a Baconator. And that is fucking facts. Wow. Okay? Yeah, and we did a taste test here in the thing. McDonald's cheeseburgers, McDonald's fries are tops. No one's ever going to beat McDonald's fries. I was going to say. Because I think anyone's opinion becomes invalid if they start putting other fries above Mickey D's fries. It's impossible. It's impossible. McDonald's? And piping hot, by the way. Piping hot. I want it to burn me. I want it to burn my fingers, and I want my mouth. Isn't it crazy how your fingers will burn harder than your mouth? Like if you touch a hot wing, you're like, ooh, those are hot, but then you put it in your mouth, it's not that bad. Well, I actually finally go. Okay, ready? Let's go through brands. Buffalo Wild Wings or Hooters? Yeah. wild wings you'd go for hooters now i'm gonna tell you i just think that i haven't had either in a while i've had buffalo wild wings almost every weekend oh it's a weekend treat oh i do it i do it so i do it so often it's fucking crazy i have gone to buffalo wild wings the last time i went and i was like um you know they have all the they're like there's 30 different flavors i'm like i guess i'll get all 30 and then i realize oh i have 300 wings and it's way too much buffalo wild wings so Hooters leaned into sex and then football was secondary but it was sex then you're supposed to like oogle the chicks and they were mid I used to work with a guy in post production that I couldn't believe it he was just like yeah there's I go to Hooters all the time and I was like oh really he's like yeah but like one of the girls there likes me and I was like really? he's like yeah she's always happy to see me and I was like oh my god this is so sad let's go together i want to see this i remember going to hooters we went to hooters every monday night in college for monday football what for monday night football monday night football and uh a scalp hunters meeting okay every monday night we went to hooters every fucking monday night and and i love hooters i love their breaded wings yeah their wings are breaded their shrimp poppers are amazing their their grouper sandwich one of the two best grouper sandwiches i've ever had in my life seriously i love a a blackened grouper sandwich did you go to outback steakhouse too fucking loved outback i used to go so much do you remember are they still around are they still around or have they gone like bankrupt they're still around please say they're still around but they have to have less locations right i feel like i don't see as ever since the dollars he's kind of dropped off after fucking crocodile d that was their big like shoe in the door was like crocodile d you don't call out a knife like you want a steak oh give you a steak who had another shrimp on the barbie. There's so many people in America that believe that Outback Steakhouse is a direct representation of Australian lifestyle. Oh, yeah. Dude, do you remember? There's two dishes, two signature dishes that I remember seeing for the first time in my life. Oh, my God. Hold on. I just remembered, too, that eating myself sick on a blooming onion. The blooming onion! The fucking blue! The first time you saw a blooming onion! And then a while later, there was data about what it is calorically and they're just like you should just hang yourself if you're going to eat this. Pull it up. A bloomin' onion is a death bomb. I remember. I'm eating six a month. It's so bad for you. The night after I lost my virginity I went, it's 800 calories. No, for the smaller portions. 1900. That's a day's worth of eating. Wait, what else? Is there more nutritional facts underneath that? If you hit that, yeah. 55 to 155 grams of fat. 1,300 milligrams of sodium. And you're like, but is it bad? The night after I lost my virginity. Oh, my God. I went to dinner with the girl I lost my virginity's parents. Yeah. We went to Outback Steakhouse. And I had never seen a Bloomin' Onion before. And I ate an entire Bloomin' Onion. and I remember her dad going, you just ate an onion. You just ate like an actual onion. Yeah. Like I fucked your daughter last night too. Pretty crazy week for me. I learned an important lesson and I hope they can't sue me for this. I think the statute of limitations probably run out. But in the 90s, probably like 96, 97, I went to Outback Steakhouse and I feel like it's kind of a life thing now that if you're going to a steakhouse, you should stick to steak. Yeah. And I went there and I got lobster and I got a bacterial infection that took me down for over a week. It was during the school year. I missed over a week of school. I called my history teacher because a paper was due and I told him I was, and he hung up on me. He hung up on me because I think he thought I was just trying to buy time. When I showed up at school like the week and a half later, I had lost like 17, 19 pounds and he was like, oh I guess you really were sick. I was like, yeah man and it was all from getting shellfish whatever at a steakhouse. So now I never order that shit. It was traumatizing. If you go to a steakhouse get a fucking piece of meat. Yeah, yeah. Get a piece of meat. I can't eat steak right now. So what is going on? You're like, I can't have anything. I got a blood clot in my leg. It got into my lungs. yeah so i'm not drinking for six months six months yeah we'll talk about later the second dish i ever remember witnessing presented that leaves an indelible mark in my my psyche yeah is the first time i saw fucking fajitas you were like i was like this is what they're doing south of the border eight years old or nine years old yeah it was at a bennegan's yeah and i heard coming out of the back like what the fuck oh wait a sizzling plate and steam's coming everyone's like oh fuck something's on fire and then they come around the corner and i remember he came around my back and i was like this and i looked at it and i went what's that and my uncle who hung out at bennegan's a lot was like fajitas and i was like oh my dad goes you can fucking forget about it you're not getting that shit you're gonna burn your goddamn face my uncle who hung out at bennegan's a lot hung out at bennegan's a lot my uncles used to be fun alcoholics and now they're just now none of them drink really none of them how old are they they're all like my mom's age like 60s set my mom's 77 and it's probably 77 to probably 59 it's a big gap yeah spread out yeah i feel like i feel like that's i don't know with all the fucking non-drinking i'm doing i feel like i don't know yeah i don't know i don't fucking who knows you know the jury's out tom they're like blood thinners some doctors say absolutely you can't drink on them and some people say you just can't drink on them so it's the thing to roll the dice yeah you never know what the fuck you know they're gonna say i do think it's like how we there's never anymore the unanimous verdict on anything health-wise i mean even as something like you know like we've gotten peptides from these guys before and i've gone from like i start with one and maybe i go to another one the other one's like so you're doing it like three times a week 30 units and i'm like no he's like what are you doing i mean well that doctor said he goes oh that's totally wrong i'm like so there's not like a consensus on this yeah like no the the best is i remember telling joe about how much testosterone i was taking he was like the fuck i said yeah what do you take he goes half of that and i was like huh really and he was like what the fuck dude how that's that's too much and i was like that's what i was told to take yeah that's what i'm saying doctor but the same doctor my my my uh i think my testosterone levels were like crazy low but i don't know you know i don't know i'm on the road so fucking much that all i can do is trust that do you know how many pills i'm on a day i'm honestly i'm on probably about 30 pills a day really motrin tylenol blood thinners these it's all for motrin two tylenol two blood thinners uh blood pressure medicine that's three with a blood thin with a baby aspirin uh i've got vitamins right milk thistle uh i've got um nad plus and no so i guess i'm only like 15 16 pills a day oh and then i'm i better have subtle addiction to benadryl to to wind down dude benadryl is better than Xanarin's. You sleep great, but you breathe amazing. Breathe? Oh, because it opens you up. It opens you up. You sleep like Darth Vader. You sleep with a mask? No, I wear just a mask like this. No, but not a CPAP? I thought you had a CPAP. No, I don't believe in it. No, I don't believe in it. I don't believe in it. I understand. I've never heard anyone describe it as a belief system. I don't believe in it. Okay. Let's okay. Now, I know I'm a fucking idiot. Okay? I get it. Let's walk it backwards. Okay. Imagine 20 years ago someone said to you, you know, Big Pharma is out to kill us. You'd be like, you mean my doctor is out to kill me? Yeah. And then it comes out and you're like, oh, your doctor gets a kickback based on what pills he subscribes. Right. Prescribes. And you're like, oh, shit. And you're like, wait, they didn't need to give me Oxycontin? My uncle didn't need to get Oxycontin from falling at work? Those are amazing. But that's what they did is they did that. Now, a sleep apnea machine is amazingly expensive. It's a machine. It's more than a pill. Yeah, for sure. And there's a huge upcharge. And so I believe it is in the benefit of the doctor's case to say, you need a sleep apnea machine. Let me send you to my sleep study guy. He gets kicked back from the sleep study guy. No sleep study guy. Just please tell me if you've ever gone to sleep study. They go, actually, you're not that bad. You don't need one. Never has a sleep study guy said, no, no, no, no, you're perfect. To play devil's advocate, I have seen one time Leanne posted a video of you. Okay. I might have sleep apnea. Fuck that. I might have sleep apnea. But I just, I go, I haven't died yet. I sleep really good. You do sleep really good? I sleep fucking 98% on my whoop. How many hours do you normally sleep? About nine to ten. Seriously? Dead sleep. Damn. Dead sleep. Dead sleep. I've been going to sleep so early because I'm not partying. So I go to sleep so fucking early. If I'm on the road, dude, if I'm on the road, I go to sleep at like, I get off stage at 930. We all hang out bullshit until 11. Bus calls at midnight. We all get on the bus early. I get in my bunk, I get in my bed early and I sleep dead until like, I'll sleep 12 hours on the road. Yeah. Really? I sleep incredibly. And if you put me on a Benadryl. I'm jealous. That's amazing. Dude. That is amazing. I'll eat expired Benadryl. nice don't give a fuck dude oxy's i took an oxy the only did you take those blue pills i gave you yeah yeah yeah were they what we thought we were yeah they work yeah they're not dick pills i know that sounds like it but but they're even better um the uh the only thing that the oxy's i don't shit for like two three days that's the big thing about opiates uh who who was who was the one who was the one who's fucking colon rupture matthew matthew uh the guy from perry matthew perry ruptured his colon from shit oh my god google matthew perry ruptured colon because he was taking so many pain pills he couldn't shit and they couldn't get it out of him and it ruptured his colon and exploded inside of him gave him sepsis that's why he died no he died in the fucking hot tub oh my god did he die in 2018 it's that long ago oh nearly died in 2018 after his colon burst oh my god dude that's why that's why you stay away from fucking pain pills i know i i i don't have many more i haven't asked for any more but shit that's that's horrible i get it when i was in the hospital and they were giving me like the real stuff i didn't shit for a week and they were like do you want to try do you want us to give you like a uh what is it suppository today or do you want to wait a few days and just see if it happens i was like let's start today it's been a week let's start today yeah and then yeah then sludge just kind of came out of me but it's it backs me up completely really yeah yeah my shits on manjaro or just really it's it's i sit down in the toilet i give it a little push how much are you down right now i'm 235 you've been melting away yeah well it's i don't think it's healthy like i'm not i don't feel good like i'm not i'm not i'm not a spokesman for manjaro i'm really not yeah it works but like i think most people like i had a friend that i hosted new year's eve with i won't just say his name but i don't want to out him do the leg work and you'll figure it out and he was like yeah i tried that shit he goes i felt like i had a low grade flu i go yeah he goes i don't like that i was like i think that's the way the pill work the shot works he's like you feel sick and i go yeah you feel like you have cancer and he was like and he goes you like that i go no i fucking hate it so how long will you stay on it i guess forever i'll just feel like i'm sick i don't know i mean we put at january 1st we put my goal weight of like you know trainer looks at it he's like 220 pounds and i'm like 15 pounds away from it and we're right around the corner and he's like, okay, hold on. This is by the end of the year. We've got to slow down. He's like, are you eating? And I was like, no. He was like, the only things I can eat, this is going to sound so fucking ridiculous. The only things I can eat are these protein shakes, right? I drink one of those a day and then I can... Italian subs. And donuts. Donuts are good. This upcoming segment is brought to you by Pepsi. Did you see the Super Bowl? Do you know that every year I tell myself that like you know I think I'm over like the big ad thing of it all and then I'm turned into somebody who goes like I'll be like oh it's a commercial I know it's like some crazy commercial but I'm just gonna dip out and then I just start walking out of the room and I'm like this is a pretty rad commercial can I tell you what's crazy so Isla and all her friends are in art school and they watch the Super Bowl they watch it just for the ads so many people do and every time it happens i'm like really you just watch it for the ads and then you're like i'm mesmerized by this i know isla called me i like first of all isla has been the mainstay of pepsi in our family really oh that's why i think she's most like donnell and red grant that's the zero sugar one this zero sugar yeah well i i'm i gotta do zero sugar and you know i don't know if it's that conversation we have with donnell that was amazing that was fascinating that was the most fascinating insightful commercial or conversation with donnell but isla when i told her about that conversation goes it's got more flavor it's got way more flavor dad it's got way more flavor it's so much more enjoyable how is that that's the zero sugar this is a zero sugar it's fucking awesome it's absolutely dude let me tell you something as a guy not drinking right now right yeah i'm on the wagon when I get on a plane and I'm going to sip on something I'm keeping it that's okay I got another one when I get on a plane I'm going to sip something always die Pepsi Pepsi Zero really do you throw a fit if they don't have it no I like to do that you know you can throw a fit if you're not drinking you can give them attitude if you're not drinking do you guys have Pepsi Zero sugar and they're like no and then you go never mind then and they're like can i get something else i go i guess i'm not drinking today how about a cup of ice and i'll throw it at you try that with a beer do you have a beer no we're not serving then fine i'm not and then you're an addict your problem do it yeah yeah but i i i called me she goes i told you i told you see that commercial dad and i go yes i did she goes dad i told you and then i showed up today to work to work and the fridge was stacked with them yeah and i was like i was like i was like kyle did you get pepsi zero sugar she goes i did she goes she goes did you get a call from isla i go did isla call you isla's the biggest pepsi zero sugar fan in the fucking world pepsi is isla's brand and she doesn't live in pepsi country yeah i can't tell everyone where she lives but she does not live in pepsi country she is an outlier she's like driving a ford truck in texas isn't that crazy that there's parts of this country that that people yeah subscribe to certain things i know and i'll say this whatever part that does taste better than coke zero it does it tastes better do you remember the pepsi challenge in the 80s do you remember of course that was amazing how branding was so simple was it because there wasn't that that many it was all about the tv spot that's the That was the only thing that mattered was the TV spot. And then now, Super Bowl, they're laying into, like, it was pretty direct what they were doing, which is pretty cool. But I also love, I love when the big companies that compete go at each other. It's fun. I love when big brands go at it with each other. I do too. I love it and I want more of it. I love it. And I love it when, and I mean this for real, when the so-called underdog takes a shot at the big dog. you respect it. If they take a swing that really goes for it, that is the most fun thing to watch. A lot of things are uncertain, but the one thing I'm certain about is that when I pass, my girls are taken care of. That is a certainty that I've taken care of with life insurance. 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Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com slash bears. Go to shopify.com slash bears. That's shopify.com slash bears. A-cha-a-ching. Can I tell you something? Yeah. I know we're not spending a lot of time around each other now, right? Right. We're both very busy, a lot of stuff going on. Yeah. I understand that. You've got a croissant shop. You've got a new series you're in production for. Your schedule, your dance card's crazy. I'll just tell you I have a crazy schedule also, but I also purchased a donut shop. You purchased a donut shop? Yeah, because that's what Keeping Up with the Joneses. Wait, because I have a... Because you have a croissant shop. I bought a donut shop. Where is it? I'm going to tell you. Why? Well, it's right around the corner. I thought they were Vietnamese and Sandra went and talked to them. Turns out they're Cambodian. Okay. But the sale's pending. Here's the deal. The donuts are fucking average but they make the best fucking Cambodian sandwiches this is your pitch to your fans look donuts in LA suck really? 100% I'll tell you why a guy named Mr. Donut came into LA in the 70's he's like Mr. Chang from the hangover is that right? can you google him Mr. Donut? I remember that Woodland Hills place that was so good so this is my goal okay so Mr. Donut Los Angeles is that his name? no that's mr donut what's the the donut man can you just find there's a documentary on a vietnamese guy or an asian guy who came to la in the 80s and what he did is he decided he'd start opening donut shops i watched the documentary it's pretty fascinating yeah but he was like rings and like fancy suits and uh and he's a japanese guy and so i'll just tell you the story and it may not be right okay so he comes to la and he just starts buying up little areas that are gonna make great donut shops and then going back to his home country and saying hey i can bring you to this country i can get you a work visa i can get you all of it but you got to work in my donut shop and i'll let you buy into my donut shop i'm going to own the space but you can buy you can franchise out and then he said i'm going to build the factory that does all the cream fillings all the jelly fillings all the glazing this guy yeah ted no no no sandra how do you say that it's ted noy ted noy yeah and so he then so he is the reason that all of our donuts in los angeles are kind of average because he supplies all the goods to all the donut shops all the donut shops it's so easy for them just to get the average filling so if you go to dunkin donuts the fill the raspberry filling is textured it's a jelly it's not a jam it's a jelly it's like textured and because that is the donut that Dunkin' Donuts, that's the ingredients they send out. He is in charge of all the donuts in LA. All the donuts in LA? Without question? Predominantly all the donuts in LA. The mom and pop shops that you see off to the side, they have the niche ones. So I think, here's what I think, right? I go, you open a croissant shop. I go, I got to do something. You're so funny about this. But it's the fun of the game for me. It's not about fucking making money. It's about fucking having fun with it. So I said to Sandra, I got this place. I think there's a couple, so I'll just say it. USA Donut. Bleep it out if we need to. It's right around the corner, and I like the ladies at work there. But what's more important, their attention to detail on breakfast sandwiches and afternoon sandwiches is through the fucking roof. You go to get one of their, just an average club sandwich, and their pickles are carved like V's in the center because their attention to detail, because they're Asian, is so perfect. Just because they're Asian. It is, because they don't fucking slack. Asians take shit seriously. Yeah, yeah. So then I go in, and I talk to them a little bit. I was like, oh, cool, they're Vietnamese. I sent Sandra in. Sandra's like, they're not. They're Cambodian. I was like, is there a difference? She goes, huge fucking difference. They tried to kill my people. And I was like, what? and she was like i don't know i gotta fuck them and then she starts yelling at them and and i go all right here's the deal i want to buy the shop right i want to put my name up there i want to be a probably part owner with them because they right part owner with them more importantly i don't want to change a fucking thing except for the donuts i want to find a supplier that makes great donuts so we upgrade the donuts keep the sandwiches where they are upgrade the donuts and make high-end fucking donuts at a low price right yeah and and they're and they they look authentic like i know you brought that guy that's like italian or something in yeah i'm gonna tell everyone i brought these vietnamese or cambodian ladies in yeah i'm cambodia they're donut makers that's where all you know because the french took over cambodia or is it vietnam doesn't matter we're gonna just tell people they're vietnamese i think it's easier that way yeah story's a little they'll probably like it yeah yeah so yeah it's right around the shop corner i should have gotten you a sandwich so you could taste when they're saying you're gonna call it like burts i may keep it at usa donuts for a little bit you know and then pop out with so you're like i'm buying this but you guys are partners that's kind of we haven't worked it out their english isn't great so but there's a sale pen i was really hoping there was there's a right now okay let me tell you where we're at logistically right now right now we're at you can be the spokesman for our donut shop and then we'll give you free donuts that's where we're at right now i gotta tell you this bro i fucking love donuts dude i love donuts i love great donuts okay we're talking about brands yeah let's talk about the best donut brands now okay okay see because i for me i i remember living woodland hills and there i think it's wenchel's and i loved their donuts i loved their donuts and then there's a there's voodoo which does like these really like elaborate creative ones voodoo voodoo i've had some really good donuts from them can i give voodoo a note just one note yeah can you go half as big on your donuts because one of your donuts is a meal for me. And I want to have a couple different donuts. Is this Manjaro speaking or Burt? This is Burt. I could fuck up their donuts, but one donut has got a piece of bacon and a pretzel. Yeah, there's a lot of shit on them. And the one guy with the guy with the stick in his heart, they're awesome. I don't go to a donut shop to get one donut. I want to get 12. I want to eat 12. And you can't eat 12 voodoo donuts. And they're great donuts. They might be best donuts out there. Chain-wise, chain-wise, By the way, there's one great donut shop right where Georgia used to go to school, right by your old house. It wasn't Wenzel's. It was... But it was Korean? Were there Koreans there? No, no. They're white. Really? Yeah, they're whites. Whites? Yeah. Okay, what's better? Dunkin' Donuts or Krispy Kreme? Okay. So for me, Krispy Kreme is just about one donut. It's about just their signature donut. Whereas the Krispy Kreme hot now, whatever, it's a glazed. That's how I think of Krispy Kreme. Dunkin' Donuts for me is about a little more variety. So it's like if you're digging that Krispy Kreme glazed classic, let me get a dozen classics, then you go there. I do find that in my mind I'm like I'm going to eat six of these. And if I have a Krispy Kreme one, I'm like this is so sweet. That it takes me down. So saying one or the other, it really becomes about what you're in the mood for. You know what I mean? That hot and ready thing is pretty crazy, though. So I was... Basil hates Dunkin' Coffee. So many people love it. I hate it. That's the exact opposite. I was going to say the exact fucking opposite. I hate it. I grew up in Tampa. Krispy Kreme was our donut. That was like, we had a Krispy Kreme there. I remember when Krispy Kreme... Really? But is that a California thing? a southern thing. Krispy Kreme is? Krispy Kreme. Where does Krispy Kreme originated? Yeah, what's the headquarters? By the way, if any of these brands want to work with us, we are willing. I know we're not putting out as many episodes, but we'll put out more if Krispy Kreme comes out. North Carolina is their headquarters. That is their headquarters? Is that where it started? Early years. Hold on. In Kentucky? Yeah. They had a small store in Kentucky, and then they moved to Nashville. They struggled through the Great Depression. and opened his own store in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. I had no idea. The first Krispy Kreme opened in Ohio In Akron Ohio The growth Expansion occurred opening in Savannah in the southeast So it is like a southeastern thing I had no idea. Dude, we used to get Krispy Kreme in Tampa. I wish I could remember. Anyone from the Jersey Shore would remember one place where we got donuts as kids, where they made them there. Yeah. And all they made was Cinnamon Sugar. And it was a car. I wish I could remember the fucking name of this place. And they were Cinnamon Sugar. and they just made them for you. You go, I'd like a dozen donuts. And then they'd make a dozen donuts for you, dip them in the oil, sugar them, and then they'd put them in a brown bag. And by the time you got back to the beach house, we were kids, we were really little kids, the bag was wet with grease. Dude, I remember, I have such a vivid memory of the first time I hung out with you was at the beach house in Tampa. You had to get up to do press and you came back and you brought donuts. I don't remember where they were from. You brought donuts. It's the greatest thing to show up in the morning with. Yeah. owner's use of forced labor in Nazi Germany. Owning the controlling sake of Krispy Kreme as well as insomnia cookies and Prêt à manger. One of the wealthiest families in Germany admitted in 2019 that they profited from forced labor during World War II. New York Times reported the two men who ran the family business in the 30s and 40s, Albert Reimann Sr. and his son Albert Jr. actively participated in the abuse of their workers. That's pretty cool. That's kind of a cool thing. I think I want to check out Krispy Kreme today yeah that's neat so i was i love hisprey i was a ride or die for crispy cream always and when they moved to the i remember when they opened in new york there'd be lines fucking the guy donated to the ss that's a crazy detail jesus i would love some crispy cream nazi memorabilia that'd be pretty cool yeah like crispy but but it's like it's like the swastika yeah yeah s's that's pretty cool ss chris crispy i guess we lost that lost that corporate sponsor but I was a ride or die for Krispy Kreme look at the Krispy Kreme club oh my god KKK Wednesdays check out the the Boston Globe published an article said I found out Nazi money is behind my favorite coffee should I keep drinking it how did Krispy Kreme turn into this fucking KKK Wednesdays is nuts that's pretty cool I was a Krispy Kreme ride or die I remember when they opened in New York in like 99, 98 there was a line down the street to get Krispy Kreme donuts, everyone was losing their mind and by the way, this is during the Atkins phase, when everyone was doing Atkins Atkins diet, yeah eggs, bacon, steaks, burgers yeah and I was ride or die for Krispy Kreme and then when I started touring, I toured the Northeast, and I fell in love with the way Boston people, like New England people, are ride or die for dunkin donuts they love it yo duncan's kid you're getting duncan's yeah they love it and and the and the casey affleck videos his videos of on snl were fucking have you ever seen those yeah i've seen those they're so fucking funny and then i went and i and i was at tallahassee and i was first time back in tallahassee and i was like up early i didn't give a fuck about diet at all then and i was like i need something i'm hungry and tallahassee had a dunkin donuts and i was like you know what i'm gonna get a couple dunkin donuts i'm gonna get a coffee and i fell in love with their fucking coffee big iced coffee come on i did i'd never like i always thought they put way too much milk and then i'd go hey can i just get a little bit of milk and they'd be like you mean like a quart or something and i'm like no just fucking just dash it and i just i never was a fan what i gotta stop i'm in i'm in austin in a couple days i gotta you're not there i gotta go into uh chicho pombo you have to i have to and you gotta you gotta get everything dude i'm gonna fucking make it rain and well they'll just set you up this episode is sponsored by better help february is full of flowers candy stuffed animals and of course lots of talks about relationships and dating and no matter where you are whether you're married or dating or single or just maybe just focusing on you you're right on time therapy can help you find your way and see more clearly where you want to be. I kind of look back at that time that I thought to myself, what do I want? And I remember I said, I want my forever chick. And I focused on me. I was in therapy hardcore then. Holy cow. I think I was going twice a week. And I was like, there's one thing that's consistent in every relationship I have. Two things, really. Number one, they all were horrible. And number two, I was went in every single one of them. And I started focusing on me in therapy. and the gym and the gym. I remember my therapist said you should get in the best shape you can get in so you can get the girl of your dreams. And I did. I did better help works it according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the United States. If you aren't happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist at any time with over 30,000 therapists. Better help is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms having served over 5 million people globally. And it works with an average rating of 4.9 out of five for a live session. Based on over 1.7 million client reviews. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash bears. That's betterhelp.com slash bears. My February has been crazy and will be crazy. More importantly, my daughter's February is even crazier. She's in art school right now and she is coming and going every single day. You know what I did for her? I got her Factor meals. Factor has quality functional ingredients including lean proteins, colorful veggies, whole food ingredients and healthy fats. No refined sugars, no artificial sweeteners, no refined seed oils, meals that fit your goals and your schedules. Healthier eating, calorie management, more protein. Factor has 100 rotating meals every week. High protein, calorie smart, Mediterranean, ready to eat salads which are their favorite. Both my girls ready to eat salads. I get pictures when they open them up. And my favorite ones for the big guy, GLP One Supported Meals. 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Right now, get up to 55% off your Babbel subscription at babbel.com forward slash bears. Get up to 55% off at babbel.com forward slash bears, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L.com forward slash bears. Rules and restrictions may apply. Hey, did you ever get my Christmas present? I haven't yet. You haven't been home, have you? I haven't been home. Fuck. Did we send it? I got a Sarah. Really? Yeah. Yeah. No one's told you about it? No. Okay. Pretty cool? I think so. I would love to find out. Do you want me to tell you what it is? It's for the office, really. Sure. It's, uh... Can you just pull it up? Do you guys know what it is? Do you ever, uh... you go to the casino and you see the place where you drop the quarter in and it falls in and then it pushes all the quarters off the ledge yeah i got you one of those really yeah that's pretty cool it's the office how much fun is that that's really fun yeah right i mean yeah now they're definitely not going to work yeah i i was like how much fun are those wouldn't it be great to have one in your house and then i was like coin pusher yeah that's rad do you know what i got for me what a claw machine with the yeah my boys are obsessed ellis is good at it oh i've been i went to i've been to multiple arcades where we're in the arcade and you kind of like you know i'm gonna go play this one and like 20 minutes later i run into ellis and he has like six things he's like yeah i got this from the claw machine i'm like how the fuck and i've watched him do it he's good dude uh i got a claw machine and what i was gonna do i'm not home i haven't been home fucking forever so i haven't had time to set it up and i've i mean i i think this is everyone's hyper aware both of us are cutting back on everything a little bit because our schedules are crazy and i apologize we will step it back up when we get a chance but right now it's just not feasible listen we have a huge announcement and i want to say this while you're listening yes saturday may 9th at the rose bowl in pasadena california during netflix is a joke festival Me, Tom, and, speaking of donuts, Jelly Roll will be doing the 5K. Two Bears 5K. Two Bears 5K. It's back. This is the third year in a row, right? Yes, third year in a row. It's on a Saturday. Which means you can come. Poor O-Social will be there. There's going to be activations. There's going to be vendors. We're going to announce all that. All levels are welcome to run in it. Jelly Roll is down, I think, 375 pounds or something. and if I'm not mistaken, I think he said the next two Bears 5K he's at, he's taking his shirt off. He did say that. He said that at the last one. And he looks great. He should be your inspiration. The first time we did it in Pasadena, the two Bears 5K was Jelly's first 5K. We crossed the line, me, him, Leanne, and Bunny, and he was crying, and he said, this is the change I needed. I need you to hear this if you're overweight. This is the change I needed. and bunny looked at me and gave me a hug and she goes you might have just saved his life from that day to today you look at how his life he has lost two whole humans it's crazy and and and that if you are overweight and you're in the california if you're married to someone overweight and you're in the california area anywhere it'll fucking rancho cucamonga make the drive in that saturday and challenge yourself start training right now challenge yourself to start with walks dude start walking and by the way walk it if jelly sees you he'll dap you up and give you some love tom's gonna have his headsets on he's trying looking for a personal best you're running it twice this year i heard and i'm i am gonna try to i don't know what my goal time is yet i have to figure it out i'm obviously trying to beat my previous times but yeah i am trying to do a personal best i heard and i'm not saying i won't speak for him i heard jelly rolls running it twice i'm running it twice tom's running it twice fine it's gonna be fucking great and if this But the first one, we're going to go for it, right? Yeah. The early one? By the way, I'm not even fucking around. Jelly Roll's running a faster 5K than I am right now. Really? He is. His thing is, his is mind over matter. He gets on there and starts running. He feels no pain. He feels no suffering. He just pushes it. He just goes hard as fucking. By the way, no shit. His legs are much stronger than mine. and i think he's lighter than i i was when i was at my fattest he's like 260 i was 275 when i started losing weight when i did the last fucking two bears 5k i was 265 he's lighter than i am that's incredible it is actually the coolest thing too is like it you really feel a sense of community at this thing i and i was i didn't know that that was going to happen but you really feel the energy of everybody there and everybody's so just like positive and happy to be there i tried to make a joke before we ran the tampa one i was like why the fuck are we here you know yeah i can't believe we got up early to do this and everybody was like huh i was like oh okay just kidding like let's go run everyone's like people are so enthusiastic and positive and you feel it when you're doing it and if you're like i'm gonna get you know stuck behind i'm gonna struggle having a community with you it helps you run through through this thing man it really does you'd be shocked how much faster you run when you're running and i tell you this is the key always find a great chick's ass to run right behind yeah and it's and it makes it so enjoyable yeah so i did it with leanne next to me last year and i was like look at her ass it's perfect yeah and it's like what about mine i was like well that's where the guy behind you yeah that's why you're slowing down or speeding up uh you get more info at twobears5k.com sign up challenge yourself. Challenge yourself. Get yourself healthy. It's really fun, man. We should also say that in addition to, just to let people know, the activations are super fun. There's always games, and there's recovery people there, and there's music, and there's drinks, and there's food. It's a fun event. It's not just run. It's a whole event that is a blast to be at. And I will say this, and I'm backtracking a little bit. I know that you probably maybe heard me talk about this. When I was in the hospital and I got the blood clot, and they rolled me, and they said, you have a blood clot in your leg. Let's hope it's not in your lungs. But they go, it's probably not. And I said that. It's probably not. And when they rolled me from room four past 30 rooms to get me to the CAT scan, I looked, and I want you to hear this because it's very important. I looked at everyone. I rolled past, and I went, thank God I'm not them. In my head, thank God I'm not them. And then they put me in the CAT scan. The guy said, are you allergic to iodine? I said, I don't know. I go, is there a way to test it? And he goes, well, no. I said, what if I am? He goes, you go into anaphylactic shock. and i go can't you like pinprick my fucking pinky and put a little iodine on it and find out he's like no you're gonna feel a warmness in your throat and you're gonna feel like you're pissing your pants let's go puts me in arms up and then they stopped the cat scan halfway through and he looks at me and he goes are you having a heart attack right now and i said i don't think i am and he goes your blood pressure's through the roof your heart rate is skyrocketed he goes i think you're having a heart attack we can't get a clear vision on the cat scan and i went and i start thinking am i having i go i don't have any symptoms i've got this warmness in my throat and I feel like I can see iodine. And then I go, no, but I'm having a fucking panic attack. And he goes, okay, well, we need you to relax. I go, that's not going to fucking happen. And then they put me back. They finish it and the doctor calls and he like he not having a heart attack His heart clear but he got blood clots in his lungs And the guy just goes yeah you got blood clots in your lungs And I went, and I need you to hear this because we all right now go, thank God that's not me. That's what is important about this 5K. Thank God that's not me. You look at people fatter. I did that all the time. I look at people fatter and go, oh, thank God that's not me. You see, there's a woman I follow who has like a major fupa and cooks breakfast for her kids every morning. And I go, oh, thank God that's not me. That's what we all do. And I'll tell you on my ride back on my gurney back to my room, I had a very different perspective. And I thought everyone I looked at, they're not looking at me going, thank God that's not me. He was just having a heart attack in the fucking cat scan and he's got blood cuts in his legs and his lungs. How do you treat that? What do you have to do? Blood thinners. And, and I'll tell you right now, your, your, your health is very precious. Yeah. And it's a perspective shift you need to have. And stop. I did it. You know, I did it. You know my lifestyle. You know that I always said, thank God that's not me. I work out every morning. I fucking drink a lot of water. I'm the fucking guy. Until one day, when I was getting rolled back, I saw a guy that looked just like me. Just like me. Except he had shoes on. That's it. And I gave him a thumbs up, hoping that we'd connect. It's going to be okay. And he looked at me and just shook his head no. And I went, oh, fuck, man. This is reality right now. I am a guy whose blood pressure, my blood pressure, Tom, obviously with the panic attack and my leg throbbing in a lot of pain, was like 175 over 110. And they're like, it's because you're in a lot of pain. I mean, the pain was insurmountable. Where was the pain? In my whole leg. My whole leg, below the blood clot. And it was throbbing like crazy. Like crazy if people go like, I don't know, maybe I have a blood clot. No, you know. You absolutely go, I have a blood clot. it's in my leg it's killing i still can barely use two of my toes and so but that's my my i'm hoping that if you're thinking about not doing the 5k you hear this story and you go i don't want to be the guy on the gurney that they roll in yeah to the cat scan i don't want to be the guy in the gurney i don't want to be the guy i you know how i thought about is when we brought you in for your for your arm oh my god and your leg yeah and they put the cuff on you and they're like blood pressure 120 over 80 it's perfect i thought wow i wish i was that guy but i'm not i'm really not well i'll also say that like if you do pass away the 5k will be a celebration of your life oh fuck me in memoriam yeah we'll do a crazy eulogy at that and it will be your face will be everywhere thank you yeah oh fucking porosals will fucking skyrocket it'll be awesome you know you can go public with porosos tomorrow if I die. You think so? Oh, 100%. It'd be a good story. Do you know what? Do you know? I wonder. I can't even think about death anymore. I can't think about it. What else did I write down? Why did I write fatties eating? Fatties eating? Oh, that's all I watch on Instagram. Whenever I'm on Instagram and I see a sad, really overweight person in their kitchen and they're making some boxed food, I'll be like, oh, I'll send this to Bert. Maybe they have a patch on their eye. Yeah. That girl with the patch on her eye. Oh, my God. It was so fucking good. And I'm like, Bert's like, oh, this is awesome. I don't know why I like it. I really tried to quantify it. I should bring it up in therapy. Mm-hmm. I want to, like, because I, what I identify with, which I think is interesting, is you know everyone pretends like i've been around a lot of people that go i don't care about fame you know yeah and then you're like you're like okay and then but then if someone's famous there they're like holy shit who is that dude the guy from third rock from the sun's here and you're like okay did you watch that show you're like no i go i saw it like a couple times in college dude he's sitting right there and you're like i thought you didn't care about fame but that's different yeah and you're like and so i always find that interesting what what instagram has given is everyone a platform and and it i don't i really don't think everyone wants to be famous i really don't no but man there's a lot more than you thought yeah and i think there was a shallowness that we got associated with when they're like you know look at him he just wants to be famous you know ari safir is like one of the worst this is he pretends he doesn't care about being famous yeah yet he shits on a stage to get attention right but he but if you but if you say if i said I was hanging out with Bradley Cooper name drop why would you do that name drop and you're like stop you're in the same business I am you do the same thing I do you do it the same way I do it you do everything I do and by the way I've been with you when a celebrity walks by and you're like oh shit it's fucking yeah and he's a big Krispy Kreme guy which is kind of ironic yeah dude I've not heard from him in a fucking minute because he's like in the Amazon or some shit it's interesting you think we wouldn't know if he died not for a while eventually we'd find out but yeah not right away he could be lost in the jungle right now and we're just living our lives he loves that shit he unplugs for months soft pitch would you fund an expedition to track down Ari two of our listeners two guys we'll fund it they do all the research you gotta be out of work you gotta have nothing to do we'll fund it we're gonna pay your rent for while you're gone but we're gonna have you go to track down Ari and just recognize him and ask for a picture I would but it's gotta be that we really truly have if somebody actually is like oh I know he's in Ecuador then it's not as fun it's not as fun but it would be fun you'll get a lot of volunteers for this man yeah yeah and go just all we need to do is track down ari and just uh so you just need you haven't responded to this email yeah just be like hey bert texted you and you didn't respond yeah that's all hey he wants you to respond and then just take off then leave and hand him a phone and go get back online yeah fucking guy i know he's done this multiple times where you're like where are you he's just like he likes it in southeast asia he likes it and this is what i i mean obviously everyone knows i love ari this is what i do respect about ari is he's not he's doing it for intrinsic value he's not doing it i mean i'm certain there's a part of him that does it and i he'll lie he'll lie about this but there's a part of him that does it for the grandstanding of i'm offline i'm disappearing this is who i am i'm different than you guys he's the part of him that's that he's the biggest advocate in the people that we know of uh put your phones down yeah he's he really lives by it he does well he started saying that after the kobe thing but the uh he's like guys getting offline is really dangerous out there no but he really does it like there's a part of him that does it i think and i think this is a curious thing there's a performative part of it where he says i'm going to disappear for nine months no one will see me right yeah but then that but then it's also very real is that he's doing it for intrinsic value he's doing it to really get off the grid and be present and live his life and not think about social media and not think about his career and not think there you can't deny that despite the fact there is a performativeness of it that it is done for intrinsic value oh yeah yeah that he does yes i think he does it just to better himself and remove himself from the chaos of the the western world and and the the the ladder climbing capitalistic bullshit that everybody's in yeah i think he does it for that he really does and tries to enrich himself he was um did i ever tell you about the time me and him hung out with tracy morgan i hung out with him one time dude he is he is tracy morgan is i just pure comedy like he's pure personality it's pure comedy and you know when you think about like there's levels of like when you look at black comics and i'm just saying black comics because that scene was a scene yeah when in when i started in the 90s that scene was a scene there are there are dudes that are naturally funny like offstage onstage naturally funny and then there's guys that are not naturally funny but they're very very funny yeah they're on stage they're very funny like I don't think anyone's ever going to say Mike Epps is the funniest fucking dude. You see him, and when you talk to him, he's just fucking – He's hilarious. Dude, he's hysterical. Mike Epps has been hilarious. Hilarious since day one. And his energy is kind of – it's got a little pimp-ness to it. Yeah, he used to fucking deal drugs and shit too, yeah. Mike Epps is one – he was another guy that I knew in New York, and i didn't know if he knew me i never remembered me and i ran into him one time i was like mike else it's burke kreischer and he's like birdie burke and i was like it was like i don't know what it was like him and him and uh cat williams was the other one that i was like i didn't know if he knew i don't know why it was important that if they knew who i was i think it's just respect it from your peers well yeah but also black approval just feels so good it does yeah it does why it just does dude john mulaney came up to me he's like i like your last special and i I was like, eh, don't fuck off. No, I didn't say that. He didn't say that either. Okay. I don't think John Mulaney and I would have anything to talk about. I don't know. I don't read. He does read. A lot. Like 600-page books. I mean, that's probably the only thing you could talk about with John. I'd have more to talk about John Stewart than John Mulaney. i would have i would have i mean i would okay i would have more to talk about with jerry seinfeld than john mulaney i take that back i'd have zero to talk about jerry seinfeld i don't think jerry seinfeld and i i think i think he'd do a lot of this to me huh he's like the shirt really the shirt's off he called someone one time someone called me yeah i just got a call from jerry seinfeld about you i was like what about he was like he asked what's your what's your deal i was like cool i was like what did you say and i was like i said you're a great guy and like but jerry seinfeld just called me about you that's pretty crazy yeah he didn't call me he could have called me and asked me about me i would have been like hey big fan yeah whatever that might still happen i don't think so you don't know that he said my name right when he introduced me on stage one time what where at christopher where the store what if he loves Free Burt I don't think he will I'm almost certain he won't okay I think he's a I think you know it's I think it would be hard to like any sitcom once you had done it perfect you know what I mean I look at young comics who post clips online and I go uh huh yep got it okay we all went through that material oh yeah good call no yeah but it's like it's hard because you're like once you've done comedy for 25 years you're like no i understand we all experienced that at one point it's like when a lot of new dads will do like uh like new dad material yeah like uh-huh i've been there but the authentic thing about like what i love about what you're doing is you're telling stories about the actual child yeah and and you're creating a character when you i look i i hackyly i did a pregnancy joke about when leanne gave birth every i heard fucking radio guys tell the same fucking bit. And I was like, yeah, but in the moment, you're like, oh, I'm experiencing this. I have a take on this. Do you remember when you called me one time? You're like, have you ever been on a cruise? And I was like, oh my God. You want to get it? I think it's in this circumstance, it's fine. You've had some health issues. You're not going to answer it. The guy who might be like, no, okay. My blood pressure this morning was 75 over 53. That's very low. Super low. I was almost passed out. It was after my workout. Do you ever stand up and almost pass out? With all the beds I'm on? 16 meds? Yeah, every now. I didn't mention testosterone, Manjaro, BPP, 157, NSR, 33. I'm a fucking my chemical romance. I am just chemicals right now. Except for the one I like, alcohol and coffee. no coffee no coffee no alcohol no marijuana no nothing no coffee is a big bummer buddy i sneak it i don't tell anyone that's that yeah that's what they say to do that's coffee no i put a shot of espresso in there in what in my shake i don't tell a man oh i baked a shot of espresso and i just poured in there and i don't tell anyone she's listening downstairs she's not listening okay the it's like when you ever you ever i know i can't have hot sauce but then sometimes i'll accidentally spill it on my plate and go oh my god what the fuck's that i'll just stop it up with this why can't you have hot sauce because i have violent diarrhea and i get sick yeah yeah but then i go i don't know why i still have hot sauce yeah if i still put it on and i know that i'm gonna be sick i know i'm gonna wake up in the middle of the night and just shit and i go it doesn't matter i'm just doing it anyway yeah i do that sometimes i do that sometimes where I go, this is going to really make me pay a price. It's like guys who cheat, but they go, I'm not, I didn't fuck her. I let her suck my dick. It's not the same. I don't know. It's fine. I've never cheated. No, of course. Maybe. The Alright, Two Bears 5K. Two Bears 5K. Krispy Kreme. Two Bears 5K, May 9th. Netflix is a joke festival. It's going to be a blast. are you going to be are you going to be there yeah of course do my show with shack when i think it's the night before the 5k maybe yeah we should get shack to run the 5k all he's got to take is seven steps where are you doing your show where is this company store oh that's we're just doing what we're doing is we're filling the room with all of shack's friends all of my maybe all you got to do is sit in the front row we just want interesting people for the guys on stage to talk to so it's all crowd work oh it's a crowd work show it's all crowd work it's all improv it's no material it's just fuck around in the room no no recordings all the cell phones are taken yeah it's just and then if you have a joke about shack please make it okay because shack loves getting fucking roasted that's fun and so it'll be a blast and shack loves you so we have that free births out free births out thank you everyone for watching teacher my specials on netflix watch that love you love you guys we'll see you soon One goes to the swad, the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bears, One Cave.