EP 45: 100 Miles To Redemption With Shawn Livingston

Disclaimer, at Two Addicts in the Moron we discuss personal stories of addiction with the intention of being educational, relatable, and inspirational. The views and experiences shared are those of individuals involved are not meant to glorify or condone any illegal or harmful behavior. This content is for educational purposes only and is not intended as professional advice. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, we strongly encourage you seek help from a qualified professional or support service. And we are back to Episode Something. I don't know anymore. It's been too long since we've been in this fucking room. And I don't even understand where we're at as far as episodes go, but I think it's kind of stupid to keep count. No. That's not our job. That's that's that's this man, JV. Shout out JV. That's his job. Just a new episode of Two Addicts in the Moron. 45. Back like Jordan. Come on, man. Let's go. For real. Come back like Jordan wearing a faux five. Yeah, let's go. But we do need to get you like a little ticker, you know? I don't need that. I think I'm giving up. I'm not counting anymore. Not getting concerned. You don't know our episode number and you also don't know my initials. No, I don't. Carry on. All right. So we're back and we have a very, very special guest. I could not be any more excited about this one for a lot of reasons. And I'm going to get into that with you. I talked to you a little bit about it beforehand, but I do want to let you know how important you kind of were to me in starting this and being in here. So with that being said, ladies and gentlemen, John Livingston. Yeah. I'm honored. That was a far better intro than I deserve. No, you deserve far better, brother. You deserve far better than my dumb ass introducing you anywhere. So yeah, John podcast. I am redemption. You just had a fucking movie come out. Bro. That was that's old news. That was a long time ago. The movie came out a long time ago. Well, when was the officially it came out? So it was supposed to come out during right. We were set to go to all the film festivals and right as soon as that we're getting our travel plans to go, we're going to travel with it, do all the PR and all that, and then quarantine hit. Okay. So that long ago. And then after quarantine got lifted and everything like that was when they did the first like in person viewing downtown Austin and they did a whole van around it and all that, but it's been out for a couple years. It's new news to me, man. Like I could watch it last night and I was blown away, dude. It really was. Thank you. So and then let's get on with our second tradition. And before every episode, we do a moment of silence. So let us get centered. Let us get present. Bow our heads, close our eyes. Let us think about the addict that's still out there suffering. The friends and fame members that are struggling with them. And the addict that cannot be with us here today. Let's take a moment of silence, please. Thank you. All right. Well, Sean, how long have you been sober? Seven, seven years, seven and change. Let's go, dude. Let's go. 8.18 2017. And your DLC? Heroine. I mean, anything you got, but mainly heroine. Yeah. Yeah, so I never discriminated. Right. And that all started through pills, right? Yeah, I'd say oxys were the first thing to like actually like get a hold of me that I would say I was addicted to. You know what I mean? There was the warning signs, I'd say leading up to it, but Coke was probably where it was starting to come about. And then I remember the first time I did oxys. I did oxys twice and they didn't do shit to me. So I was like, man, what is everybody talking about? Yeah. And then I did like a quarter of the amount that I had done before and it rocked me. Yeah. And I just remember and I'm like, oh my God, this is great. I can sleep. I don't get bloody noses from blowing my nose a thousand times at night. Like I can eat. This is amazing. So I was hooked from then on. And how old were you when? How old was I? When you like, how, yeah, how old were you when you kind of walked into addiction? Probably 22-ish, I'd say. Okay. All right. Started doing hard drugs, 17, 18, but then I'd say 22. I was in it. You were all the way in there. Professional. Yeah. Well, glad you made your way out of it, dude. So talk to me a little bit about your podcast. So I am redemption. Yes. Man, it's not anything I ever thought I'd end up doing. I just fell in with the right people and they started bouncing the idea off me. The one thing I was excited about with it, my thing has just always been speaking. I really enjoy speaking, really get, enjoy getting up in front of large groups of people. I'm comfortable doing it. And it's where like, I finally, it's like, I do, when I'm doing it, it's like, I'm meant to do this. You know what I mean? I'm very comfortable doing it. I feel like I'm in my groove and I've just come to realize that's where I can help the most people at once. And so then they, some people started pitching the podcast to me and all that. And the main reason I said yes to it was because they asked me how I felt about social media. And I was like, I hate it. I was like, I'll never be the guy that's going like this. Little did I know. I ended up becoming that guy. But they're like, well, if you do a podcast, you don't really got to do social media because we could just clip that up, post it, and there's your social and I'm like, cool, let's do it. Yeah. Well, then I sat down, we did the first episode and the light bulb kind of went off. And I just remember when my story came out with the movie and I started understanding and seeing that I didn't know this world existed where all this shit that we've been through could ever be used to help other people. I didn't know that was a thing. And so once that started happening and then they presented the idea for the podcast, it was like, man, now I have the ability to be able to share that same thing with other people. I've been blessed to have my story told. So let me try to help other people and do the same thing. Well, it helped me out a lot. I think a little bit of our background here is we should really be called three more hunts. Because we have no fucking idea what we were doing whenever we first started this thing. I've been curious about this. So two addicts in a moron. So obviously you're not recovering. Number one, how did my documentary ever pop up on your radar? And then I'd love to hear how you guys all got connected. Yeah. Your documentary popped up on my radar through social media. Okay. The other day. So I made a conscious decision with you. This is the first episode where I was I'm going to learn a little bit about the guy that's going to come in and sit here. Okay. Before he comes in and sit here before I would try to remain ignorant. That way I can ask ignorant questions as the moron. There's a meaning to that. Okay. Yeah. So I don't make sense now. So two addicts in a moron is me being a moron to addiction and recovery. And there's a lot of families out there that don't understand it. And I related to your mom a lot in the documentary and your step dad and even your sister, all three of them, but they just didn't get it. And I don't get it. And I watched Mike struggle towards the tail end of his addiction. We worked together, but there was an immediate connection that through humor and just getting along and I can instantly tell that I loved them. Right. You know, so but I knew that he was struggling. Yeah. And and then watch them get recovered. And then he wanted to do a podcast when he was still addicted to meth with me. And I was like, I can't do that. We got to have something to talk about. Right. And when he got out of rehab, he struggled with something. I chewed him out a little bit in the parking lot when he was struggling. He overcame it. And then I felt comfortable to start doing a podcast with them. And I said, we've got something to talk about now. I can ask you questions. And the way I figured it and the way that we figured it is you either are an addict or you love someone who is. Yeah. But whenever either way you're affected and family members don't understand it, just fucking stop. Like don't do that. Right. They don't understand it. And I'm in that camp. Bro, real quick kudos to you because everybody needs a friend like you. Everybody needs a friend that's going to call you on your bullshit and be that person in the parking lot that's telling you everything you don't want to hear, but you need to hear. Not many people have friends like that. So God bless you for doing that for him. I appreciate you saying that, but he's an easy guy to do it for. And I think that opened my mind through doing this and talking to people like yourself and just how many good people there are that were addicted. And on the other end of that is you and you and you. So it was like, let's go find other you and you and you. And I can ask the questions and maybe help a family member or two along the way and go from there. So I watched your documentary because I wanted to prepare for this. So I watched it as homework, went into it with homework. And I came out on the other end, absolutely inspired. So it was a fantastic movie. And yeah, so thank you for being involved in that and being here. And it's crazy how you said like yours, this all kind of just came together. That's kind of how this did as well. Like, you know, he kind of they already knew each other. I didn't know this guy. I'm so happy. But we met at a meeting and he comes up to me after a meeting. He's like, I want to start a podcast. I'm like, cool. I was already going to start my own podcast. I just didn't necessarily have the means at the time to do it. And then it just all came together really organically. And and then you called me a year. He called me a year later. He's like, you still want to do that podcast? And that's that's how it began. Let's go. Yeah. Good shit. God thing right there. That's what it really was. And the way it all lined up and the impact that it had on me and him pretty immediately was pretty cool. So your podcast was really important to me too, because I would come in here for the first few with like an outline or a script. We do like a production meeting, which is basically us just sitting in the kitchen being like, I'm going to ask you this today. But they got the prepare for that. And I didn't like that. So I started watching your podcast. I just typed in recovery podcast. Yours was there. I just started to listen to it. I don't know if you remember this, but you commented on something a long time ago, like maybe a couple months into doing this. And I was like, you know who the fuck we are. I can't believe you know who we are. You were like, no, dude, big fans that live up the road. Like I was like, holy shit, this is crazy. Yeah. But I listened and watched your stuff to kind of better prepare myself through the question asking process of things. So you've been, you've been pretty impactful to this podcast for sure, man. It's definitely some something that you put your arm around, whether you knew it or not. I had no idea. I mean, I'm honored to hear you say that. I'm at the same place you guys are just trying to figure this shit out. Sometimes I often wish I had two homeboys with me help me figure it out too, because it gets lonely. Yeah. But dude, when I started it, man, at first I was like, all right, I don't necessarily think I want to have like a recovery podcast, because you know, once you get deep into recovery life becomes more than that. You understand recovery is my foundation, but it's not my whole life. So I didn't want to talk about just that. And so in my head, I was like, all right, I want to cast a wide net, adversity, people have been through it. You know what I mean? It's everybody's been through it. We're all recovering from something. So it kind of casts a wide net for people you can have on. But I think I made a mistake at the beginning because I tried to cast this wide net and I didn't focus on like building a core group of people, which is the recovery community. And so I started to put more focus on it. And then that's when I started realizing about you guys. And I'm like, holy shit, there's a bunch of people out here doing this stuff. And then maybe I don't know if you, I'm sure you have you had imaginary Jim beefs? You guys know what I'm talking about? I do, dude, I was in good shape. I believe it or not. My fat. So I'll be completely honest. When I first started the podcasting, I had imaginary Jim beefs with everybody. Right. But then much like my imaginary Jim beefs, eventually I meet those people in the gym and they always end up being the nicest human beings ever. And I'm like, Oh, that was stupid. So then so I started seeing podcasts and everything in my first inclination was like competitiveness. I mean, I need to be the best. But then you take a step back and number one, you can do that all yourself, but it's awfully fucking lonely. You know what I'm saying? Like I'm figuring this shit out too. I love talking about podcasts and I love talking about recording and sets and all the shit, the social media aspect, what we do. And then if you use it as a lesson, like you look at Rogan, Tom Segura, all these guys, they go on each other's podcast, they all boats rise. Like it's stupid to think like that. So it's like, now I just want to get with the people that I fuck with the people that I like, the people I think are funny, that are making good points, having good guests and like, let's do something. Right. Because at the end of the day, we're all here to help people. Right. Right. Especially in the recovery community. People that like before I got in the recovery community, I used to think like, whenever I try to get sober, it's going to be lonely as fuck. Right. This can be terrible. And then I've never met a group of people that are so willing to help each other. It's insane. Yes. And people that have never been in recovery wouldn't get it. Because like, people would just fucking like, I can pick up my phone and call anybody that's AA in there, and they'll answer. And they'll be like, what's up? Or they'll text me right back. It's insane. Yeah. And then I was the same way when we started this, the first podcast that I've seen was a, I'll have to, what was the one baby? Ship face sober? Ship face sober. And I was like, I was the same way. I was like, fuck these guys. But then I was like, why am I, why wouldn't I fuck these guys? They're doing what we're doing as well. Right. And they're doing it, they're doing it well. So I subscribe and started watching their shit, started commenting on their stuff. And and then, you know, there's so many other ones out there and there's so much room for this. Right. Like you don't have to be number one or the best or the biggest as long as we can help other people get to where we are and hopefully get even further than what we are and fucking, that's that's what we started it for. Right. And if we can, if we can help one other person out there or even a family member or anything like that. Yeah, I have those Jim Beves too. And I always get humbled by them. Right. Because I'm always a dick to the person in the gym. And then I'll be like, here, you're gonna, oh, no, go ahead, bro. It's good. And I'm like, fuck, what a piece of shit I am. I'm telling this guy, because this guy's bigger than me is I'm like, fuck him. Right. And then he's like the nicest person I've met in the gym. And I'm like, this is terrible. That's how God humbles me. Yeah. No, that's how he shoves my ego in my face. I completely agree. The way in just you saying that, I mean, it's kind of like people are people are going to gravitate towards you guys, people are going to gravitate towards me. But like at the end of the day, it's like somebody picking out a sponsor, right? Just because they come to you and want you to be their sponsor, it doesn't mean like it doesn't hurt good. They're getting what they need. You know what I'm saying? Like, I know sometimes I'm a little too brash. Sometimes I talk too much shit. Sometimes I say stuff that isn't of the mainstream recovery thought process. Some people like it. Some people don't. But at the end of the day, you're going to find people that work for you. What works for you? Hopefully. Yeah. Well, it's discussion, right? Like I would think that the what I've noticed in a lot of people who have been addicted to stuff and their families who have struggled with them, it all stems from kind of a lack of discussion about it, right? Like just a foundational discussion and being open. So the more people who are willing to do that and be out there and talk about it, you know, after week one or podcast one, we had somebody I don't feel like I'm alone. And I was like, I'm hooked. Like I'm fucking in. Like now I don't give a shit what else happens with this. But that young lady, I mean, she like blew my mind. I was like, holy shit. Countless messages. Yeah. Count. Well, now countless messages. But that one, I mean, we had fucking 10 subscribers or something. And it was like, I don't give a shit if we get another one, but we're going to keep fucking doing this. Like, so I don't have the imaginary Jim Beves that you psychos have. But so I was like, yeah, I'm going to look up and try to fucking learn as much as I can and just be normal, just be dudes that fucking talk about this and you're as normal of a dude as it came and it bleeds through. So it helped out immensely. Yeah. I'm honored. Thank you. So talk to me a little bit about recovery. I want to get into you being a psycho and running hundreds of miles and shit. I want to get into that. Fascinated by that. But but that all started happening after your recovery. Yeah. So during the beginning, I said that they went hand in hand. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. That was the kind of the narrative that I got. Yeah. So how did you get sober? How did I get sober? Good question. I mean, I give it the God and treatment and all that stuff. But in all honesty, the two things I would say is I got in so much trouble that I had no other option. And you did some time, right? Yeah. And then I finally surrounded myself around the right people. That is paramount for me. I need to always surround myself around the best people possible. I tell people all the time, I used to fancy myself a leader and think I was this and that. All I know is every time I hang around people that do dope, I do dope. Yeah. So it's, it's just all about I want to be around people that are better than me, smarter than me, because that's what makes me raise my game. You know what I mean? Like, I have even it happened recently where I just kind of found myself, I got kind of comfortable, was around a lot of other people that were very comfortable and my life was not going good. And I had a wake up call and got to it and got back around the type of people I needed to be and life is great again. So I don't know if that answered your question. No, it does. I mean, it's like simple but not at the same time. You know, that's like a complicated thing. It always seems like, especially recovery community. I mean, these people are awesome. Yeah. Like, and I need to surround myself with them a lot more, you know, and I didn't want to have like this weird like, Hey, here's this non addict hanging around with a bunch of addicts and recovered addicts. You got like some kind of weird fetish about being around. You speak the language. Like, you cannot, I can already tell just by the things that you personally post, like you're in all like, you're not somebody just knowing I just met you today. Yeah, officially. But I would venture to say there's not much I'm going to say that's going to offend you or anything like that much like these gentlemen too. Yeah. And so it's like you speak the same language we do. Yeah. Well, it was a me thing. Yeah. Like, that was totally my bugging thing. And so kind of a New Year's resolution, like, I'm gonna be at the pickleball things. I'm going to go to a little more meetings. I'm going to, you know, surround myself with a lot more, not be as recluse from it, just because of my own like personal hangups or whatever. Because when I go places, you're always like, where's more? Right? Yeah. Like, they ask where you are. Yeah. I'm like, I'm here, mother fucker. Yeah. He's really became I've said this before, he's became an ally. Yeah. And I think like, I think that's truly like how you break stigmas and be able to create real lasting changes by bridging the gap between the non recovered. Because this is a public health issue. This is this is not just necessarily a recovery or addiction or specific issue. This is a far reaching thing as we all know. And so how do you how do you break these barriers and stigmas and chains? And it's, it's this way. Yeah. Bro, and it's, it's cool. You know, there's a, it's, it's been funny to kind of sit back and the more I do the podcast, the more I get on the social media stuff. There's like these different schools of thought. And so there's still very much in the recovery world. There's this anonymity, you know what I mean? Don't break your anonymity. We don't talk about our stuff. And it's very, it's very counter to what we're doing podcast and recovering out loud talking about our shit, right? But much like I think you just said earlier, you said about communication, like communication, the breakdown of communication is the problem everywhere. If you're having a problem in your relationship, your marriage, your friendship, probably aren't communicating the right way. We're talking about trying to change things and break this stigma and shit like that. How the fuck we ever going to break a stigma if we just all were like, oh, my anonymity, I'm not going to talk about it. I'm not going to post about it. Like, fuck that shit dude. Like I, I just went through a tough time, bro, where I was having like suicidal thoughts and stuff. And it's like, this has been my equation for success so far is to share this, be vulnerable, put it out there, because the people that ended up hitting me up about it, saying that it helped them, that's truly what helps me. So why would I just keep this to myself? Can I ask you something? So I've kind of had to go through something similar about getting vulnerable. And it's like, I can get vulnerable on this podcast all day long, I'll get vulnerable in the songs. But like, in like the community, you know, how I show up sometimes, it can be difficult to be vulnerable. And maybe you've experienced the same way. I think we kind of talked about it before too, like, kind of like that imposter's like, I can't show weakness, I can't, you know, I'm supposed to be this. And if I show you this, then that's gonna maybe discredit me. And it's all just, you know, irrational fear that I build up in my own head. But like, you've experienced that or what is that like, how to go through that? Like, and like, it's 100% I've gone through it. And I was just talked about it with somebody else recently. And it's like, I'm doing a lot of work in therapy right now. And I'm finding out like, so much happens to us in childhood that conditions us to be the way we are, and then the way we act once we get older. And so here I'm walking around all the time, you know, up to a point where I got to be a tough guy, I can't show my emotions. And then you come to realize like, that's all bullshit. Like, it's fucking, it's pretty, you guys swear on here. We've been cussing on here for the past 30 minutes. Just a little in figured, I'd ask now. But it's all bullshit, because at the end of the day, it's it takes a way stronger person to fucking stand up and say, yeah, man, I cried. Yeah, I thought about killing myself. Yeah, I thought about getting high. It takes way stronger to do that. It's weak, sitting inside your house, not talking about it, not telling anybody, burying that shit down. And so it's like just coming out of that and understanding like, this ego, this all this shit of what I want to be, what I want to see myself out like, what I really want to be is the person that's willing to talk about those things that's willing, that's approachable for other people to come talk to me about what they're going through. And they're never going to do it if I just keep my mouth shut and don't ever talk about it. Right. Yeah, there's a fine line between fucking pride and ego, right? Yes, it's a very blurry line. It is like being proud is a good thing. Yeah. Having an ego about it is fucking terrible. Right. And it's, and I can get blurry. I can't really, really quick. So Rick Rigsby, he's a motivational speaker. Yeah. He says, ego is the anesthesia that doesn't sustain a stupidity. I think that's like fucking amazing quote. That's a pretty cool quote. It's fucking badass quote. And he always says like pride is the burden of a foolish man. Yeah. So yeah, I've learned how to let a lot of my ego go. Something you said, and you gotta surround yourself around the right people. Yeah. When I was in rehab, one of, I'm a very loyal person. And I remember I was in rehab and I was telling somebody, I was like, man, when I get out of here, I'm not gonna be able to hang out with any of my boys anymore because they're all still using it. And I was like, that's gonna be real hard. I gotta go have talks with them and sit downs with them and explain to them why. And my buddy was like, you know, I explain shit. Like you're on a different path now. Yeah. Like it's not about being disloyal or anything like that. You just just like whenever you were using you surrounded yourself around fucking people that did drugs. Now you got to surround yourself around a whole group of people that aren't doing this. And that's how that's one way you recover. It's just like successful people, right? They surround themselves with people that are where they want to be. It's never where I want to be the top. And then I'm going to surround myself with all these people here. Some people probably do. But that's not what I want to do. And I want to I want to fucking strive to be, you know, I want to have a movie. You know, I want to fucking go help more people. And yeah, I think that's that's one of the most important things is that community. Yeah, around yourself around the right people, people that you can call people that will call you out on your bullshit, people that you can bounce ideas off of, and people that you can be vulnerable with. Like I'm vulnerable as fuck. I'll cry to anybody. I'll give a shit. Yeah, I cry all the time too much. I cry fucking I cry too fucking much. Let me watch a sad movie. I'll cry. Me and my daughter went and watch a cartoon. I cried 13 times. Bro, I don't it's funny. You said I don't know if it's you're in your 40s. You said earlier, right? I don't know if it's our age now or what, but movies keep getting. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, me what some just commercials, bro, dude, I'll fucking watch a commercial and I'm like, dude, let me see a like an army veteran coming back to see his family. You know, those YouTube clips. Yeah. And he's surprising his kids at school. It gets me every fucking time. Yeah, dogs. Yeah, the dogs. Their their buddy coming back from war. I'm like, God, I'm fucking beautiful. I guess I did the the new the new Top Gun crushed me. Yeah. Have you guys seen the cabinet? Yeah. Great. In my opinion, as a veteran, greatest military movie, one of my favorite military movies ever, that one crushed me. And then like, I went to watch haunted mansion. Yeah. With my wife. Yeah. Have you guys seen it? Yeah, I've seen haunted. When they show the cat at the end, what's what's the cat's name? I don't know. I don't remember. But I know what you're talking about. Oh, they showed that I'm sitting there crying in the thing. My wife's like, are you okay? But I don't know what that I've made a joke about. I cried when Iron Man died at the fucking end of the Avengers. I was like, what's that fucking spider-man? I'm like, Oh, God, dude, don't do that. Like, I'm it's fucking terrible. I took Destiny Transformers the other day and I said, am I crying? Bumblebee starts getting beat up. And I know he doesn't die. She's like, does he die? I know what it said because I don't help it. The Covenant is a fucking phenomenal movie. Guy Richie is a beast. Guy Richie is Covenant. If you haven't ever watched that, please go watch it. Maybe it's a phenomenal movie. Dude, a story I want to tell you real quick. But what you were talking about being in treatment, I can remember. So I had done eight months of treatment prior to going to my last treatment center. I did eight months in the VA. And there was a veteran dude in there that I knew we played basketball together. I knew who he was. We both ended up at this treatment center in Austin, state funded place, mostly veterans there. And it was a six month facility, six months inpatient. And so I was about a month in, he ended up being there. We were still cool. And so we were in group one day. And I look over and he's sitting there nodding out. And so after you're there for so long, you can kind of come and go. You get passes to go to meetings or whatever. So I knew immediately this dude's high. And he had a roommate that had just got there was a younger kid. And so I sat there. And normally this wouldn't even ever have been anything that registered to me. I'm like, that's all that's his deal, right? But for some reason, it was sitting there eating me up. And I'm sitting there starting out thoughts now like, what if he goes up and gets high in his room and he gets high with this kid that just came in and this kid dies and I don't say anything about it. But I have this internal conflict because I'm a tough guy. I can't snitch. I mean, I get to live by this street code. And I remember talking to my sponsor at the time. And I asked him and he's like, Hey, man, are you still trying to be Sean the convict? Are you trying to be Sean recovered? You know what I mean? Somebody with integrity, somebody with honesty, stuff like that. But I had to like sit there, pray about it, think about it. And like, do I say something or do I just let this go? And at the end of the day, I did go say something. You know what I mean? He ended up getting kicked out. Sorry. But I had to do what I had to do to be like right with myself. And so that's a big thing when you can break yourself of that mindset. It's like, why am I still worried about what the rules are being a tough street guy? Why do I give a fuck? I don't plan on going back to prison. I don't care what the politics of that should are anymore. And so breaking that is huge. And then just being able, I always use the metaphor of like every goal for every NFL team is to win the Super Bowl. One of the most important things you could do is surround yourself around the best team possible. We all know what happens when you get an Antonio Brown or somebody like that up in the locker room, what happens to the team. And so I've made it to this point in my life, I've made it farther in life than I ever have, like where I'm at right now. And I have so many things in my life that are so important to me that I'm not going to sacrifice them for anybody. So the same standard I hold myself to, anybody I choose to call friend, get held to that same standard because you ain't going to fuck this up for me. Yeah. That's what a friend should do. 100%. I need you to tell me when I'm fucking fucking out. And if I'm not able to look inside me, if you're saying, hey, this is what I'm seeing. And then Jay Klein saying, this is what I'm seeing. And I'm like, but I'm not seeing that. Well, I can either be offended or I can say, you know, and I need to take a look at myself because if more than one of my people are saying this, then there's something there. And I think that's something like, during my addiction, I would never do that. Right. That's something part of recovery is we're always, we're recovering more and more every single day. And we're still like, I always say I'm a four-year old toddler, right? Because like I've had to relearn like about life. Because, you know, when I got my addiction, I didn't learn a lot of shit. Like I didn't pay taxes for like eight years. Right. I didn't fucking file taxes or nothing. I didn't have an ID for the longest time. And then I had to start going and doing those things. IRS, I'm coming for you this year. I'm about to pay you motherfuckers. But it's like, yeah, I think that's so big in recovery. It's like, we're always growing, right? When you hit a point to where you're not growing anymore than you need to read, you need to read, you need to start looking at yourself and saying, where can I still grow? Absolutely. You know. Yeah, breaking those molds is hard, man. Like and there's a quote, I don't know who said it, but progress happens through uncomfortable conversations. Right? Like you're not going to progress anywhere unless you're willing to have those fucking really hard conversations. And they suck. Yeah. But the, well, it's, you know, so I was telling you, I used to run, I fucking hate running. I don't like it. But every time I did it, I was proud of myself after I did it. Right. Like the pride that I felt for doing that sucky thing made me feel so much better like mentally. So I had to get through that uncomfortable conversation with myself to fucking find the progress on the other end of it. So that's kind of what happened with me too, and his ass in that parking lot that one day, I didn't say shit to him when he was addicted about his drug use or anything. I just kind of, we're going to keep it to dick and fart jokes with me and you, right? Like, I'm just going to love you from here. And then he recovered and I still kept it at arm's length. I mean, I never had a doubt we were going to do something together, but it was like, I need to make sure that he is good. And I didn't know what that looks like. I'm ignorant to it. I don't know what the fuck that, but he just, the mere mention of him like, well, I might as well just get fucking high. Yeah. Like, motherfucker, I just was part of a group that put you into rehab. Right. Like I have skin in your game now. That's unacceptable to me. Yeah. Like, so go fuck yourself. You're not going to do that shit on my watch. And that's kind of the same thing. It's like, do I not say anything? Do I not address that? Or do I just, or do I let it go? I'm having this like personal beef. This is my buddy. I don't want to upset him. I don't want him to be mad, but he needs it to be mad and needs to be upset. You know, this is the toll that he needs to fucking pay. So let's go. Talk to me about running you fucking absolute maniac. Like what a hundred miles. How do you, how do you prepare for that? Like David Goggins running? That's what you do. That's what that's what I did. I haven't done it. I haven't done that race for a long time, but I've run a bunch of ultra marathons. Yeah. Really? Do you still run now? Yeah, but just just kind of getting back into it. I segwayed into the gym at one point and then that kind of became a passion, but running. I did not grow up a runner. Runner was not anything that I was ever enthusiastic about. If I was ever running without a basketball or a football in my hand, I was in trouble. It was punishment. Yeah, it talks to. Bro, I had no, I had no idea what, sorry. No, you're good. No, zero idea what running could do for me or anything. I ended up in that treatment center, the last treatment center I was in, and I had eight months, a little bit more than eight months sobriety time up under my belt. And I just remember taking a look in the mirror, and I fucking hated who I saw. I'd let myself grow. I'd always grown up an athlete, but I'd let myself go to the point just through injury and then through addiction and everything where I was 250, got out to here, felt like shit, looked like shit. It didn't matter how much sobriety time I had, I went under my belt. If I wasn't in that treatment center, I would have got high. And so I found out about a little running group that met in downtown Austin. I got special permission to go to it. And I was just going with the intent to lose a couple pounds and then show up. My ego is still huge at this point. And so there was like 30 men or women there that morning and I remember showing up and I was like, they don't got shit for me. This can be easy. Bro, I was still smoking a pack of new ports a day. I don't know what I was thinking. And so I go to run this little two mile run with this big ego of mine. And I was dead ass last that day. Lungs on fire. The whole time I'm like, why am I doing this? But I got done and much like you're talking about, bro, it was like this glimpse of like accomplishment. And I've been in so long since I had felt that. And I was like, man, all right, like, I'm going to keep coming back. I want to feel that again. And then pretty soon, like two miles turned into three miles, three miles turned into four miles, I dropped the cigarettes, all these diagnosis I got from getting out of the military PTSD, depression, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, agoraphobia, sleep disorder, like you name it, all this shit just kind of started subsiding, melting away, not saying it went away, but it became much more manageable. And I just kept sticking with the running. And then I meet these amazing people fallen with one woman in particular that would introduce me to what ultra marathons were. And she just knew how to she knew how to poke me competitively. And so she, when I originally met her, I had asked her if she'd trained me up for a race. And she was going to train me up for a 10 K. And so I went and I went out and heard now as falls here in Texas, out in the whole country. And it was a night race. And I ran this 10 K and I got done and I was feeling myself. Ooh, look at me. Yeah, I did it. Jog addict just ran 10 K. Dude, I thought a 10 K was like a super far run and all that stuff. And I got done and she was like, man, that's all right, you could do more. And I was like, what do you mean? She's like, you could run farther. And I was like, all right, fine, I'll run farther than so that my next race was a 30 K. And she did it to me again. And my next race was a 50 K. She did it to me again. And then within my first year of sobriety, I'd done a 100 K out in Bandera, Texas, 62 miles. And then that was like a big moment for me, where it was like, wait a minute, at that top, it was so valuable and early recovery within my first year. Because dude, I don't know how you guys feel, but we sit in so many rooms and introduce ourselves as Sean the addict, Sean the alcoholic, Sean the dope fiend, where it just gets beat down into our brain or I thought that was my identity. Right. Right. But then here I just finished a 100 K. And here when I did, I qualified for a race called Western States, right? Western States is like the Boston marathon of 100 milers. Right. It's a very hard race to get into. You get a lottery ticket to go. The first time I ran this 100 K, I qualified for it. And so that was a moment where I was like, holy shit, like dope fiends don't do this stuff. You know what I mean? Like, I think I'm a little bit, may have not been giving myself enough credit. And then ultra running is this funny thing nowhere when you run these long races the whole time, you're like, why the fuck am I doing this? I need a different hobby. This is miserable. But then the sense of accomplishment you get when you're done and every race I'd be like, oh, no reason to run this far again. And then I'd wake up the next day and for whatever reason, I'm like, all right, what's the next distance? Fuck it, let's do it. That was it. That's insane, dude. Like the preparation for that, though. Lots of running. Yeah. Is that all you do? Just fucking pound the pavement? Everybody's different, but I really, truly feel like us as addicts, when you can tap into it, we are capable of, I think we are capable of far more than what everyday normal people are. I couldn't agree more. Because we are so comfortable being uncomfortable. And if you can just like wrap your mind around it and understand that it's the same shit, you're just taking this energy and you're putting it over here. When you can attack something like running or running a race or training for a race with the same passion you did to go score dope every day, special things happen. And I'll be honest, there was a lot of my running, I got a kick out of the fact that here I'm a year sober, just got out of prison and I'm a heroin addict and here I'm beating you, you, you, you, you guys been doing this your whole life. So it was like, it was just something special. It was something that I think everybody in early recovery needs to get out of their comfort zone and discover something that lights a fire up under your ass. Because if you think you're just going to go sit in meetings and find this fulfillment in life just because you're sober, it's cool for a little bit. But you better find something that makes your life worthwhile, something that makes you excited to be alive, excited to be sober. For me, it became running, it would morph into the gym, helping people like you build on it. But that initial thing that I found with lighting that fire, second and none. Yeah, I agree with that. I know when I, when about my first six months, I was going to like three meetings a day sometimes. I mean, I lived in meetings. And some of the meetings are 30 minutes away, so 30 minutes drive there, hour there, a 30 minute drive back. So it's two hours. So about six hours of my day was at meetings. And one of my buddies was like, why do you go to meetings all the time? Because I need to blah, blah, blah. And he's like, but did you get sober just to live in meetings? And man, it kind of pissed me off when he said it. Because he doesn't know what I went through, right? Nobody knows what I went through. And but I sat there and thought about it. And I was like, you know what, why don't I put this time into doing something else? Right? Like meetings are great. And I still go. But I'm not going to go to three of my day anymore. I more or less show up now, like when I feel spiritually unfit. Or if I feel like maybe someone should hear my story today. Right. But I put it all into this podcast, I put it into working out. I started playing sports again. I hadn't played sports in forever. I started playing volleyball again. I started playing flag football again at 44 years old. Yeah, good job. That's why your shoulder is all showed up. Pickleball. Pickleball. I mean, but it's like I knew when I was in rehab, like I spent all of my day getting high. I'm going to have to fill that time with something. And I knew like on the days that I had my daughter, it would be easy because I can just spend time with her. But I was very scared about the days that I didn't have. Because I'm like, fuck, there's gonna be a lot of hours in there that I got to fill something in. So I was going to three meetings, three meetings, three meetings. And then I started rolling that over to what's going to make me feel like more fulfilling, right? What's going to better me. And that's where I started getting back in the gym. I think the gym's a fucking phenomenal thing. It's probably I'm gonna start running. That's 2025. No, you're not. No, you're not, dude. Running. No, I'll tell you. It's I'm recording JV. We'll get about running. I'm gonna put her on my vision board. We'll get it. We'll get it. We'll get shot there for a run. I've already started. I probably can't go more than two miles. Brother, the running does something different for you than the working out. Don't get me. Yeah, don't get me wrong. The working out definitely gives me something, but it's not the same. There's a bunch of science and a bunch of studies about what cardio does for the brain and re-channeling your neural pathways and all far smarter than I'm not smart enough to be talking about this stuff. You can Google it. I promise. Yeah, this podcast, you're way smarter than we are. Yeah, you're way more. But the, yeah, dude, discovering and not damn, you said something I wanted to comment on. But what you're talking about, bro, is that's living life. Playing sports, you're doing these things that's living life. And what would happen for me is, bro, I tried to get sober many times. I went to treatment 12 times. Most of the time I was trying to get out of trouble. It wasn't for the right reasons, right? But what I would find for myself is, bro, I would always throw all my eggs into a basket. And I've said this a thousand times, but at first I try to throw my eggs in the mental health basket because when I'm getting out of the military, they give me this laundry list of ailments that I have. And so I try to do what they say. I start going to therapy and groups, and I start taking all these medications and shit. And at the end of the day, I didn't stay sober on it. It didn't get me happy. It all felt like a band-aid for me. Now I'm not telling people not to take medication. If you need it, take it. Just for me, it wasn't the answer. And so then I look at my spiritual health now, and I'm going to put all my eggs in basket into that. And so it's 90 meetings in 90 days, sponsors, sponsors, this, that, and the other. And I did that many times. But what I kept finding, and I was like, trapped myself in this recovery bubble, where everything I talked to, everywhere I went, everything that came out of my mouth was just recovery, recovery, recovery. And I think that's great for somebody, people need that. You just get out of treatment, you're just getting sober, absolutely. Make that shit your life. But there comes a point when you have to start understanding and transitioning that this isn't sustainable like this. Are you really getting the fulfillment you need out of your life? Eventually, you're going to start thinking about a relationship, branching out and having friends that aren't in recovery, being able to go different places you wouldn't normally go before. And so I would just always trap myself in this recovery bubble, and then eventually I would just get bored or tired of it, and I'll get fucked up again. And then I never knew or thought adding in the running or a physical piece would ever really impact my recovery or life in this meaningful way. But it was like the missing link that put the pieces of the puzzle together for me. It was the best mental health medication a doctor never prescribed to me. It was the best thing for my spirit, because now all of a sudden, people are hitting me up, they see me running these races, and they're like, hey man, I'd like to try that. And so now they're running with me, and I'm watching it have the same effects on them. And they're running races and they're training and they have all this structure in their life. And it was like, holy shit, like, then it dawned on me, it was like, oh, wait a minute, I finally addressed it like mind, body, spirit. I addressed all three, and I didn't realize it. Yeah. And so a lot of my shit's accidental. Yeah, no, I didn't mean to try out. Yeah, fucking trial by error. Yeah. So when you're running a hundred mile race, yes. What's the hardest mile? It's a good question. It is a very good question. The hardest mile. Or for you, I know it might be different for everybody. But so you saw the documentary, probably around mile 70 was the toughest for me. Yeah, that's when I saw the most wear on you. But like, for me, I was running like 20, 30 miles a week, right? Like so I would break it up. That's great. But it was, it was always the first mile for me. Always. It always is. That fucking first mile sucks so bad. First two or three. I just said it yesterday with a guy I was running with. Even when I was running 100 miles a week, every run, those first two or three miles suck. Yeah. Right. Most people quit running before they're even warmed up. Yeah. Right. Once you get a little bit of a base, you know what I mean? Like even as an avid avid or avid runner, that first mile, my whole body's like, what the fuck are we doing? Stop this now. You know, everything feels clunky. My knees hurt. My hips are hurting. My lower back's hurting for some reason. But after about two or three miles, all of a sudden your body gets in like this flow and you're like, oh, wait a minute, I can keep going. So mile 70 was definitely the toughest. But bro, I was so naive back then. I pulled my training plan out of a book. I knew nothing about nutrition. I didn't know any of that. I just ran. I did it very much like an addict. But it fucking, it was what I needed, man. It really was. And so mile 70, dude, you're, I was, if you, if anybody watches the documentary, you'll see, I talk about it. It was very, it was physical mental spiritual for me. And so the first half of the race, we'll say the first 50, 60 miles was all physical. I was trained well. I was good. Once you start getting 50, 60 miles in, your body starts giving up on you, right? To where now it's like your body's telling you, all right, let's stop this. Why are we doing this right now? And then I'm feeling good. There's a camera crew there. People are in between aid stations. People are like, Oh, you're the guy, the camera crew's following. And I'm like, yeah. And so there's like all this stuff. Well, that, then all of a sudden the sun goes down and it starts getting cold and it starts getting wet. What people don't ever think about is there's aid stations along the way, right? So every five to seven miles, there's an aid station, you go in and get your water, calories, or whatever, but you're never having a full meal, right? Every day you eat full meals, multiple full meals a day. So you're never having that. And so by mile 70, I was so calorie deficient, dehydrated, tired, wet, cold, lonely, you name it. And if anybody sees the trailer, the actual film, I come through and I'm basically ready to fall apart. There was a gentleman that we called Detroit. He was like an angel on my shoulder. He noticed that that was happening to me. And so when you watch the film, you'll see I come in and I'm like ready to give up. And he noticed that. And so he's he'd talked me into going back out there and I was like, fuck. So we go back out there and he just started jamming calories into me. And then if you notice when I come to the next aid station, I came alive and I'm like, man, I'll melt down back there. But yeah, that was definitely the hardest. Got the mental breakdown of yourself to run 100 miles. Especially when your body's fucking telling you this is enough. Brother, there's a point where it's right around mile 70 where you're sitting there every step you take, you're like, just stop. Like if I if I stop right now, let's say I stop at mile 62, who's really going to turn their nose up at me? Like, you quit at mile 62. Like most people won't run that cumulative in their entire life. And so it's very easy to start thinking like that. But my grandmother had, I didn't know if my family was paying attention to this. They knew I was running, but they live in Ohio, I lived in Texas. And so that was like a big thing for me was this thing is having like this huge moment in my life and all this stuff. But I have no idea if my family even really is paying attention or knows. And so my grandma had messaged me that morning. And she said, whenever you get tired of wherever you get lonely, just know that no matter what, I'm about to cry saying it. Just know that I'm at home following along on my iPad. And so it would be two, three in the morning when everything's going to quit. And I would just have to sit there and be like, man, could I, my grandmother is up at three in the morning right now following me. She's watching. Could I really quit? And so that was one of the things that, that kept me going, dude. And so, you know, the movie's been out for a while. I'll talk about it. But I got to mile 90. And at mile 90 was the sun has come up at this point. I made it through the night. And it finally starts dawning on me like, holy shit, I'm going to do this. I'm going to fucking finish this shit. Right. And so the last eight stations at mile 90, I hit that. And then I got about three more miles. And then you hit the road. And once you hit the road, it's a seven mile straight shot straight road. And it ends at a high school football stadium. And so I remember coming out onto the road in the van with the camera crew sitting there. And all this emotion is coming up in me where I'm like, holy shit, I'm going to finish this. And so I'm like trying to hold it together because I still got to be a tough guy and I can't cry on camera or anything. And so I'm like, trying to hold it together and I'm running and they're beside me and then they take off, bro. And I just had this, you know, five, six miles left to sit there and like replay all this stuff, thinking about being in prison, thinking about my family not talking to me, thinking about like a year, year and a half ago, I was shooting dope. I'm about to finish a hundred mile fucking race. Like, holy shit. And I'm thinking about my grandma, phone along her iPad. I'm sitting there wondering if my mother and my sister have any idea what I'm doing. And all of a sudden I could start seeing this high school football stadium off in the distance and it starts getting really real to me. And as I get closer, I can hear cowbells and air horns and people yelling and all this stuff. I was crying at the end of this. And dude, I come into that high school football stadium and the funny thing is there's tons of people there. There's a big finish and there's the, you go around the track, a quarter lap and then there's a straight away with the finish line. And I come in and I had friends, my friend Penny, who's the one that got me into running and a couple other friends were there at the race. And of all those people, I could hear them screaming over everybody. I could literally hear their voices and bro, the emotions coming up in me, but I'm like, I, the camera crew is going to be there. I can't cry. I can't cry. And dude, I go around the quarter turn and I hit the straight away and I'll never forget. Man, I look up and standing right in the middle of the finish is my mom's blonde hair. My sister standing next to her dude and I just lost it. It's the absolute most special moment of my entire life for them to be able to see me coming across the, coming across the finish line so strong. And what I had just done, and it was like, it was very much symbolic of like in my life and you know, this is kind of going against what recovery people talk about, but it was very much like I'm leaving this addict to me behind and this is the new fucking me here. I'm here now. Well, it bled through dude. It bled all the way to your family, bro. Man, they're, your mom was, she said stuff all throughout that that fucking caught me a few times, you know, and I have children never want them to go through, but you guys went through, but they might, you know, like it's just something that I, but one thing that she was like, all of a sudden he was a heroin addict. She says that in about the middle of it. And then she was reflective on that. And she was like, of course it wasn't all of a sudden, but to us, it was all of a sudden he's shooting heroin, right? And that, that was probably the most relatable thing that I think any family member of an addict to probably hear was such a small thing that she said, but it was real big to me when she said it. And then watching your family talk about planning your funeral. Dude, I was like, and you talking about, you know, just how important it is for how simple shit gets for someone like yourself when you come out on the other end in recovery, which was, I just want to be fucking proud of me again. Like, you know, that's all I've, I don't, I don't give a shit about anything but that, right? And it's just, I took so much away from that film dude. And I immediately afterwards I was like, what kind of shoes do I get motherfucker? I'm gonna go start running now. Like, so I just, thank you so much. You had the effect I needed to. Bro. And so how, how's your relationship like with your mom and sister and stepdad? Yeah. Funny you mentioned that. So the, I told you the films are supposed to come out, quarantine happens, everything gets shut down. So finally, when all that gets lifted, we, they're going to do the, they're going to do the first in person viewing of it, right? Yeah. And so a bunch of treatment centers and places around the country have been showing it. So it did been played live, but there, we hadn't done like an official premiere or anything like that. And so this was going to be the first event where like ticket sales and all that stuff were on us. You know what I mean? Not me per se. Like I'm not the one, I'm not the one that did the film, but Andrew Shabay and his whole team of people and all that. And so they booked this place downtown Austin called Fair Market where it's where recovery in the park was this year. So they booked that place. It's a big fucking airplane hanger. Big huge. So I show up there that day and bro, there's like an IMAX fucking screen in the middle with two regular movie screens on each side. There's 350 chairs there. And I walk in there and I was like, there's no fucking way this put nobody's going to come to this like 350 people. No way. And some sitting there being so insecure about it. And like, oh, I mean, this is going to be so embarrassing. Oh my God. And so we do a mic check and all that. And there was a, there's like a courtyard out there. There's a bunch of tables with vendors set up. And I went walking out there. And I look and the gates were closed. And there was like this sea of people waiting to get in. And I was like, holy shit. Like, I don't believe this. It's the most surreal experience ever. And so this place gets packed. There's not a seat open. I'm sitting in the front row. And I don't remember seeing the documentary a million times. I don't remember seeing a second of it the whole time I'm just sitting there like, I can't fucking believe there's this many people sitting in this room right now. Holy shit. So afterwards they have us go up and there's a buddy of mine was the emcee and me and the director and we go up and we sit on stage and we're going to do like a Q&A. And the first question he asked me is the question you asked and house things with your family or sister or your mother now. And I was like, man, where would a family should be? I get shit talk texts from my sister every morning. Like it's fucking leg day or something like that on the way to the gym. You know, I talk to my mom all the time. Like we're back to being a family. And he goes, he goes, Sean, I've never, I've never lied to you, but I did withhold the truth. He goes, we have a, we have a surprise for you. And you can remember the end of the film. And he said, we have a surprise for me. And he looks over to his right. And all of a sudden I see my mom's blonde hair come up on stage. They flew her in and they got me again with it. So then here I like lose my shit again in front of 350 people. Like I'm so humbled that she's there. But there was a moment when we were on stage and we're sitting there answering these questions and all that. And I remember answering the question and I brought my mom up and I looked over and she was looking at me and it was the first time and as long as I could remember that you could see that she was proud of me. And that feeling right there is a feeling that I wish every single addict, every person who's been to adversity could feel again. I want everybody to fucking feel that because that right there was worth more money, more than, more than any material thing that right there was worth everything. Just knowing that I was able to get back to her being proud again. Well, you could see they were proud of you on that film. Like, you know, so I think you probably had it several times before that point. But yeah, you probably get into witness or maybe just you pay an attention to it now. You know, I would imagine it's pretty hard to look family members in the eyes when you're battling with addiction. It's like real hard. Yeah, no, you just stay away. Yeah, bro. And I always once I and that's what another thing the film did for me. I always thought I knew what I'd done to my family. Like I did it. Right. But bro, there was so much that I just don't remember because I was fucked up or like didn't realize how it came off until I saw the film and saw what they had to say. I thought I knew what they had been through, but I had no idea. Bro, like that that planning the funeral thing, you know, was dude, that was heavy. Like, yeah, that was real heavy. And then, you know, as a parent, I think about it just got me to think about that, which is good. Yeah. Like, I mean, you got to think about dark shit like that sometimes to appreciate where you're at right now. Right. Right. But to, for me to hear that and think about it for myself is way different than where they were at while you were struggling with what you were struggling with. Right. It was, so it was like, these things are not the same. My thought process right now is not what they're going through. But I was just like, fuck, man, it hit me hard. I mean, several things did. I remember when we first started this podcast, I probably, my daughter's mom is probably who I put through the worst of anything. My family went through it too, but she was the one that went through it the worst. And when we started this podcast, she watched the first episode. And she said, I appreciate what you're doing, but I can't watch another one because it brought back too much pain and too much hurt. And yeah. And that's when we, when he had to treat my ass out in the parking grounds, that's what it was about. And because, you know, when you get sober, you're like, treat me like I'm sober. I'm treating like I'm a fucking junkie anymore. Yeah. He's 90 days in. Yeah. You know, that's a long time. I did not want to. It is, but we've shown, you know what I mean? What we've shown what happens, families are very right to just sit back and kind of wait for the other shooter to drop because in the cut, dude, there's been a hundred times I've done this to you. It's going to be different this time. I'm okay. Everything's good. And then the wheels fall off. That's what he had to tell me. He said, you know, you put her through 10 years of bullshit, like you're 90 days. She's supposed to treat you fucking good. All of a sudden. That's some real shit. That's some real shit. Hard ache and how much like, I remember when I went to rehab, she said, her biggest thing that hurt her was she's supposed to protect my daughter as a parent. You're supposed to protect your kids. And she said, now I knowingly know that I was letting her go with you as a drug addict. And I should have been protecting her. And man, that really stuck with me. It was like, you know, it's not just the damage that we cause. It's, you know, it's years of damage that we cause. And I couldn't, if she really sat down and like, let me have all of it, I don't know how it handled it. I mean, I think that I know what I put you through, but I don't fucking know. Yeah, just like, dude, you can't blame her for being a good fucking mom, dude. Like this is, we all got to pay a toll. And this is your fucking toll right now. Like, you're not just gonna, this isn't fixed because you're 90 days sober now, motherfucker. Like you got go from mile 70 to 100 now, like, you know, or you're on fucking mile three right now. Let's let's fucking go not even warmed up yet. Yeah, right. So it all depends. So the 27 and a half hours is what it took somewhere around there. That's wild. There's a terrible. So do you sleep somewhere in there? Are you just fucking keep running? Yeah, like I'm trying to get done. I don't want to be out. I don't want to be out there for longer than I got to, right? So you need to think every time, let's say there's 100 miles and there's an eight station every five to seven miles, right? So there's one, there's one scene in the movie where you'll see it shows me coming into an eight station and then the next scene and it's somebody getting their feet all taped up. That was not me. Yeah. People always think it is, but I never, I didn't sat down because I want to get done. And so you need to think, I need to like kind of breeze through this aid station. I need to grab what I need to and I need to go because if I take 10 minutes at each aid station, now times that by 100 race, you're out there for multiple more hours. And so it's just one foot in front of the other, keep it going. But it was on the Appalachian trail. And so you're navigating terrain the whole time. It's nighttime, loose rocks, roots, you're falling blood and shit running off of you at the end of it. Like how many times did you fall? I mean, quite a few. Yeah. Yeah. When you're, when you're, yeah, when you're coming down the sides of mountain or going up the sides and nighttime tripping, falling, it's, you just learn how to fall. Yeah. That's where you learn a lot about yourself. I would assume because I know like we all have that little person on our shoulder that talks shit to us all the time and tells us quit and you're not good enough. And I'm sure that my father's just like just fucking in. Yes. Just stop. Every step. What are you doing? Every step. Just stupid. Every step. This is though. You're not going to finish. I mean, that's what mine would be saying. Like you're an idiot. You're not, you got 98 more miles. You're not going to finish just quit now. Right. Yeah. Well, you learn a lot about yourself. I'm, I'm a student. I rewind the clock a little bit to my running, you know, when I was at the peak of my shape here, like four or five years ago and like how little, how little running I did. So another take that I had for me movie was you were a giant pussy for running that little amount because it's me. Oh, not you. Yeah. No, no. This just took a left. What did I miss me? I'm a pussy like because I ran 30 miles and you did fucking 100. No, I'm just stupid. Yeah. No, you read David Goggins books, right? Have you read his books? I read the, I started reading the one. So when he did his first 100 miles, right? Yeah. He just brought crackers and water. Like that's all or maybe some salt packets. Yeah. There's living with the seal. Like he, he was like lifting weights. Yeah. Like he was like, I'm going to fucking do this. And I think at that time you ran with a team. Like there was a team of people that like you four dudes would take like, oh, that's, that's the way this one was set up. And it was like everybody's gonna run everyone's gonna run a marathon basically. And at the end of it, he didn't have a team. He just showed up with his water like, I just go fuck do this. Yeah. Broken feet and all kinds of shit. Every bone in his foot. Yeah. He's a beast for sure. Yeah. Well, sorry, man. Trying to get back to it. Yeah. Well, you're starting to run again right now. Yeah. Yeah. How many miles are you running now? Not much. What's your what's the most of it? What's not much. Because not much for me would be like a half a mile. Why are you giving me looks over there? She's about to judge the fuck out of you right now. She's a beast. She's I'm just getting I'm just getting back into it. And so then I'll go out and try to hang with her and some other people like that and my ego won't let me just be slow. Yeah. So I'm trying to keep up with them. And then for two days I'm hobbling around because my fucking heel hurts and my heart hurts. Oh, yeah. That's how we that's how I heard I originally got connected running shit. But yeah, I mean right now I'm so I'll I'll run Austin Marathon. That'll be like my first race back here in February. Yeah, that's half marathon. Sorry. Half marathon. Sorry. I'm just spoke. That's 30 miles. That's a lot. But it's funny. A buddy of mine who's training for a 100 mile race. I'm going to be crewing him here coming up. And so he's kind of what got me back into it. Because I started talking with him and I thought he was trying to finish his first 100 mile race. And so I can it just took me back to there. And then it made me jealous as he was out there doing all these runs. And so I was like, I'm going to start running again. And my mental health was shit at the time. So I knew I needed to get back to running. Right. And so my goal was to be able to run 10 miles by the end of the month. And I did that like the second weekend. So the distance came back, but I'm not nearly as fast as I used to be. That's that's what ended up being bad for me with running was I ended up becoming good at it. And so I want to want a marathon started placing and winning races pretty consistently. But then it put like all this added pressure on me to like where this was like this thing that I found that was kind of like salvation. But now I'll go run a 100 K. And if I don't win or place, now I feel like I failed. Well, that's ridiculous. You just went ran 62 miles on like rugged terrain. It's hard as shit. Why do I feel like I failed? And so just a winning attitude. Yeah. And that is it could be. But then to my detriment, because so what you'll do in ultra running is you'll use races as like training races for bigger races. Right. And so I was running a 50 K the one time the race did not matter. I was just needed the miles. And that's where you're starting to figure out what shoes you need to wear, dialing in your nutrition for that race, all these different things. And me and a guy happened to be going back and forth for first place. And at one point, you're out there for hours and hours and hours. So you have to use the bathroom. About 15 miles in, he pulled off to take a piss. And as soon as he did, I was like, I got him, like, he's never going to catch me. So I took off. And the rock played in my shoes started digging into my foot. And so it was killing me. But I got to win this race that doesn't matter because that's the smart thing to do. Right. And so I fucking win this race. I can barely walk now, which was so dumb. And so then I couldn't run for like five and a half months. So then that's what got me to start piddling around in the gym. But in all honesty, the thing that kept me that got me into running in the first place and kept me away from the gym was in all honesty, I didn't want to go in there and look stupid. I didn't know what I was doing yet. I didn't want to go in there and feel like I was getting looked at. Now that I train people, I see that's the most common thing that keeps everybody away from the gym is they think they're going to get judged coming in. Yeah. Couldn't be farther from the truth. But started piddling around in the gym a little bit. And then a buddy of mine, who's a road runner, was dying to run his first ultra marathon. So he starts begging me to run it. And I was like, man, I haven't run in like five and a half months. But I'm pretty sure I could finish it with you all go. So we go out, we go to run this race. And I told him he needed to train on running trails. He would only ever run on the road. So he ended up going out, we run this race, and he drops in the first two miles because he kept rolling his ankle because he wasn't used to running on trails. Okay. So now I'm stuck out here running this fucking race that I haven't trained for and I haven't ran in five and a half months. And I ended up going and winning the race. So I got done. And every race is hard. And I was just like, man, like, I kind of feel like I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish doing this. But I didn't know what else I was going to do. And it just so happened, the girl I was dating at the time, I was out of cell phone range. And when I got into cell phone range, she broke up with me through text. And I was crushed, crushed. It was like my first serious relationship and recovery. I was like, maybe two years sober. I still wasn't ready for the emotional roller coaster of a relationship at that time. And I remember laying in bed that night. And her nice thing was we'd always get coffee and go walk down Lake in the morning. And I remember laying there and I was like, next time I fucking see her at town like I'm going to be fucking jacked. Yeah. And I started going to the gym the next day. And I like submerged myself into the gym, but ended up becoming a trainer. It ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me because now, you know what I mean, the gym is a major part of my life too. And so it all happened how it should. But that's originally what got me into the gym out of running and then now back into running. Well, there's a guy that works out at my gym that's been on your podcast. I know you're talking about he's not been on my podcast. You've been on his podcast. Yeah. Yeah. He's a he's a trainer. He's pretty cool, dude. He was something I judged to when I first seen him. Yeah, of course. So the whole judging thing in the gym, I don't judge people when they're working out. But if you hit a bag, I will judge the fuck out of you. Oh, if you're doing the punch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because there's some people in there going there and don't I mean, it's like, hold on. Let me let me just be this clear. When we say imaginary gym beefs are judging people, I will never judge anybody who's a beginner at the gym who's overweight. I will never judge anybody like that. Yeah. It is only people that are usually better than me. Yeah. If they're bigger than me, if they're lifting more weight than me, then I'm looking like fuck that, dude. And it's just a silly mental thing. It's completely dumb. It's totally crazy is when I went to when I went to my first AA meeting, I was in rehab, and I was judging every guy that walked in there. Right. Like I'll beat his ass. I'll beat his ass. I'll beat the fuck out of him. Yeah, I swear to God. And whenever I went back, I got back on the on the druggy buggy right on the on the rehab bus. I was telling one of the guys that that was sitting with me. I was like, bro, I don't know why I'm so judgmental. Like I wanted to I was telling I beat everyone's ass in there. He's like, bro, you should do that too. He said what I've learned is if you go introduce yourself to those people, you'll God will humble you and you'll see what an asshole you are. And I started that's how I started to introduce myself to people in meetings, because it's because I was judging them. But then I'd come up, hey, how's it going? My name is Mike. And then I'm like, I'm a piece of shit there. And then I'd go to the next person and I just find out that I'm a piece of shit all the way around the room. And you were just waiting for one of these guys to be a dick. So they never were. Yeah, I was the dick. Everybody's pretty like minded in a gym. You know, that's jacked and stuff, you know, that's bro, the people like they're doing the same thing. This is not a unique situation. So I guess so when I worked out, maybe this counts, but I would start working out and I would wait for a guy to come in at least 30 minutes after me, pick the next jack dude that walks in, I'm like, and I'm going to stay past him. So it wasn't like I was mad at him. I was just like, I'm going to fucking be here longer than that guy. Well, that's great. So just like a Colby Bryant. And that but right, right. But I would finish my like, I would finish around him. Like wait for him to leave. So it's the same vein, I guess, but it wasn't anything personal where I'm like, I don't like that guy. It was just and it's it's only a motivational tactic for me. Yeah, it's an insecurity thing. It's a motivational tactic. Because when I do that, then it makes me go harder because I'm like in my mind, I'm like, all right, he's watching me so I gotta fucking go. Yeah. But you know, George Pickens is yeah, I'd receive for the Steelers. So amazing athlete, shitty attitude. Yeah, really bad attitude. Hopefully he gets a better one. But they were talking about him and they were talking about players like him that will basically make shit up in their head. You have beefs with people on the other team, because that's what makes them like raise their bar. And when I heard that, I was like, Oh, wait, that's kind of like what I do. It's Jim beef, man. Imaginary Jim beef. I'm so sorry, guys. I really have to use the bathroom. Okay. I got a pistol about to I didn't want to be the guy to pause. So so unprofessional. Yeah, we have an editor, unprofessional. I think he just had a fart. I just don't think he wanted to fart on set. Hey, come on. Did you know he doesn't like talking about pooping? Yeah, he fucking hates it. That's weird. We went like four or five episodes in a row. I got a story for you. What is it in regards to is like, Hey, I should chill on the trail. Okay. Perfect. I'm just going to hit it real hard. I'll be like, you ever shit on the trail? We should keep this into yeah. Oh, yeah. We don't take down this. This all needs to be in here. So I will attempt to like not fart in front of my wife just because I don't want her to do that to me. Yeah. I go out of my way to fart in front of my girl. See, there's there's it's one or the other when it comes to couples. Yes. And you don't give a fuck. She'll fart like I have a fart right now. I don't want to drive 30 minutes so I can fart in front of her. But what will happen is like I'll be in the other room in the other bathroom and I'll fart. Yeah. And then she'll be across from like, I heard that. You ask. Yeah. Um, but see any question. Yeah. I got a quick question for you, Sean. You ever take a shit on the trail when you're running funny? You should. I get anybody who knows me knows I get up like ridiculously. Yeah. Like stupid early. Yes. 4am. 3am. 2am. 2am. I have an emergency alarm set for 2 30. It never goes off. 2am. I'm up. Okay. I was ever want to text it to him. Hit me up. All right. I don't have anybody to call it four and five when I'm up. I fire off so many texts knowing nobody's going to get him. There's like my one buddy's a boat captain and he's the only dude that's ever up. So it'll be like 2 30 in the morning and he and I are texting back and forth. But so I love the morning time. It's my absolute favorite time. I feel like I can get most more done with my day before most people even get up out of bed. All right. Now people ask how that happened and they think it's because of the military. Yes. That got me in the routine of being able to get up early. But I was a drug addict for far longer. Yeah. So sleeping in was my shit. Yeah. And so as I get into running, I start getting up earlier. I like going on these early runs, especially here in Texas. It's hot as fuck. It's cool to run before the sun even comes up. And so one day we were downtown Austin running. It was about 4 30 in the morning. We're running and all of a sudden my stomach goes. Yeah. Like that. And I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do? Bro, nothing's open at 4 30. And so I'm like, I'm going to have to ship next to a homeless student in the alley. Like what am I going to do right now? Bringing it back. So luckily I made it till Starbucks opened. Right. And that's kind of where I learned my lesson about getting up early and making sure that I handle my business before I ever go to the gym or before I go running and all that. But so I'm usually pretty normal. This is the story I wanted to tell. Usually I'm pretty normal. Half a cup of coffee in the morning. Boom. I'm ready to go handle it and I'm good. Yeah. So in the summertime, they do night races because it's so hot. Yeah. And there's kind of two schools of thought when it comes to ultra running. There's people that just kind of want to finish the distance. And then there's people who are like trying to be competitive with it and worried about their time and placing. I was that. And so a lot of the people that just want to finish the race will carry a lot more stuff on them. First aid kits, water, food. Right. I would only ever usually just have a handheld because I'm trying to go. Like I don't want that stuff to weigh me down. So my friend Penny before this night race, she's like, Hey, do you want, do you want some wipes? She had baby wipes and put them in a little plastic bag. She's like, do you want any? And I'm like, nah, I'm super regular. Like I'm good. Bro, it's hot as shit dead of summer sun starting to go down, but the sun's not down yet. It's like, you know, as it's going down and I'm running, we're about 30 minutes into the race and my stomach goes, Oh, yeah, like that. Now at the beginning of an ultra, everybody's like super stacked together. Yeah. And then as you go, everybody ends up going like that. So I'm like, Oh my God, I got a shit on the trail. Yeah. So I look and there's this little ridge and I'm like, all right, cool. And so I run up this ridge real quick and I find this perfect space. It's like completely cleared out and flat. And I'm like, Oh, good deal. So I dropped trowel starting to handle my business. As I'm handling my business, I realize I'm like, man, this is really cleared out right here. Now I've realized that the trail goes down and then comes back. So all the people that are running are going to now be coming at me any second and I'm panicked. I where we're at in Texas, there's no trees with leaves. It's like pine trees and shit. So I have nothing to wipe with. I'm like, what the fuck? So bro off with my shirt, wipe, hurry up, dig a hole, shove it all down in there. And then I'm like falling down this ridge. So people to like act as if I didn't just shit or something. And so do I'm sweating. I'm like, Oh my God, I don't believe this. Continue on with the race. About an hour later, stomach does it again. I don't have a shirt. Yeah, right. Now it's dead of night. And so I find a tree, still no leaves, handle my business. Well, I don't have a shirt now. And so I have on running shorts, which if you've ever bought a pair of running shorts, they're the thinnest shorts in the world. And then I have a pair of compression boxers on underneath. Got to use the compression boxers as toilet paper now. So now I have a paper thin pair of shorts on and I'm dripped sweat. So I end up finish this race, bro. These shorts are like completely cut to me. You know what it's like when you're running and working out like that's not the most favorable time for your dick to look good. And so like it's like, suck to me. I've taken two shits out on the trail with no toilet paper. And I come through with the race and my friend Penny comes through and she's like, how was your race? And I was like, don't even fucking ask. I should have taken the wipes, dude, that's amazing. And you're right. I don't think there is a smaller version of my dick than after a run. Like it's like that are at the doctor. Yeah, yeah. Whenever you're gonna showcase you're like, really? I was fucking slapping. Yesterday and now I'm fucking like, what's up, dude? Like, you're like fucking. It's like, it's like, you never look like this. What are you doing? Never look like this. This never happens. Don't embarrass me. Do you remember? Do you guys do Adderall? I have done Adderall. Adderall hit me. Adderall hit my dick in a different way than what meth did brown fuck. Yeah, I don't know about you, but I snort some Adderall. I'm like, I'm hung like a light switch. Yeah, that shit like sucks up. I know exactly what you're gonna make you horny as it'll make you horny as fuck. You can't do anything. That's how Coke did me. Oh, yeah, sure. Like I could get hard, but I wouldn't last long at all. I wasn't having no sex on about 12. Yeah, it's not. I'm some chain smoking cigarettes. That's what I'm doing now. Meth. Yeah, I could watch porn and beat off for 12 hours on meth and just have rugburn the next two weeks. Yeah. Yeah, like to where like when I pee, I couldn't. I would have to like move my dick to this side because if it rode on this side, it's on the carpet burn and like, yeah, it was terrible. Were you heroin or meth? No, meth. Now heroin heroin. I've shared this in the story on a previous episode, but like I want to hear a shit story after this, but go ahead. I'll tell you one find. So I used to like, you know, I was with the woman in my active addiction, malt Whitman years ago. And the only way that she would know I was on heroin. You couldn't piss. No, I wouldn't be able to get off. Get off. Yeah. So it'd be like three hours later. She'd be like, what's your why aren't you ready? I'm like, fucking Superman. What are you talking? Yeah, you're welcome. You're welcome. But yeah, there was no, there was no, there was no accomplishment there though. When did you have a problem pissing when you're on dope? I did. Not really. I did on meth. Oh, really? Meth sometimes. Yeah. I don't know what it was, but I could never piss. And then for whatever reason, I figured out this is going to sound wild, but for whatever reason, I figured out like, basically I couldn't even keep it hard either. And I was like super fucked up on dope. And it was like it made my dick less sensitive. So it was like, I couldn't feel it. But bro, I would sit in front of the toilet for like three hours trying to squeeze out piss. And then I put two and two together that if you pour warm water over your dick, it would make you be able to feel it. That's resourcefulness. And so, bro, I would just, yeah, I'd sit there with like cups of run warm water and just sit there and keep dumping it over and I could fill my dick to actually piss. But it was like a major attic tack right there. Major attic. You just, you just help some people right there. That's a, that's a fucking great band name. That clip's going to do good on Tik Tok. Yeah. Major attic. So what's, so I'll give you a funny. Yeah. Oh, okay. Cool. Yeah, we didn't go. So you want to hear my shit stories? Yeah. So this is, this is exclusive content guys. I don't talk about poop. I don't think there's a woman on this planet sexually ever heard me fart. He called the shit poop. I don't go number two. All right, don't do that. No, I do. But like, no one knows about it until now. So there was this time, right? Are you, you look nervous about the other story right now. He's so fucked up, dude. He can't do it. It's not my favorite area. Yeah. Well, come on. Okay. Let me tell you, I got a present story for you. So I, yeah. So I, so whenever I get, whenever I'm waiting on my plug, right? And like, unless I'd already had some like dope in my system. So if I'm waiting, and it's like, I'm waiting to get that first one, it's like, I'm like, I'm like, just sitting there, like on this picnic table from a taco truck, just like, come on, dude. He said, fucking 15 minutes, 30 minutes ago, and he pulls up on his little moped. And he fucking, oh, wait, no, that's a different time. He pulls up. I'm thinking of a different story, but he pulls up in his fucking, in his, in his SUV, and I go to hop in and, or before I hop in, sorry, I'm having a hard time telling the story because I really do not want this information out there. But once it's out there, nobody can use it against you. Yeah, dude. It's just us a year in the room. So he was taken forever to pull up and I just, I couldn't hold it and I had nowhere to go because the, the gas station that I was at, you can't, you can't go inside. They don't let people use the bathroom unless you're like a paying customer. And I had shit myself. Yeah. And I was also homeless at the time. I was homeless at the time. So it's not like I had just a home I could go to and readily assess a little change of pants and underwear. Right. And I go to hop in his passenger seat to do the exchange. He told him the story like it's war piece. And I shit myself. It's not my finest moment. It's dramatic, dude. And I hop in the passenger seat. I do it. And like, he always wants to like have a conversation because it's not like, like an in and out thing, you know, we got to wait like five minutes just because, you know, that makes a difference in case, you know, people think something's going on. And I hop in there and this is real cool old school cat. And he looks at me and he goes, he goes, he looks at me goes, smell like boo boo. He said, what smells like boo boo? I said, I don't know, you know, this is Runberg. It stinks over here. A little bit, you know, there was a whole cake. It looked like you sat in a brownie batter. Yeah, I feel bad if you're watching this. I'm sorry. I am sober now. So I think that I don't know if I've ever been more proud of you. We've been challenging him with shit stories. It was really hard to get on. I feel really traumatic right now. You got one? Yeah, you go because I've kind of forgot mine because I lost my train of thought because I was thinking about you shitting yourself. So when I was when I was knee deep in oxy addiction, I'm still in Ohio. I got a job at a place called Craftmade. It's the world's largest cabinet manufacturer, but it was deep out in Pennsylvania. So it's like an hour and a half, two hour drive to get there. And so I was going out there to take the piss test to which I was not going to pass. Yeah. So whenever I had to take a piss test, I would just drink so much water that I would end up puking water and then I would just keep drinking water, just piss clean. And so it's earliest shit I'm driving out here and now I'm deep into Pennsylvania. This is like Amish country. Yeah. Where it's all Amish people and shit. And all of a sudden my stomach, I've drank so much water that for whatever my stomach's now fucking me and goes, well, there's no fucking gas stations anywhere near this place. You're going to shit like the Amish right now. And so it's also winter. It's also freezing. And so for whatever, my only recourse was to reverse into this bat and back up into this rock gravel driveway, way out in Amish country. And it's light out. There's semis coming by and I'm like, all right, I'm going to get behind the door. And so I position myself and I handle my business. And as I'm doing it, mind you, there's steam coming up from what I've just left in this driveway. I also realized now I have to reach over my seat in the passenger seat to the glove box to try to get some napkins to wipe. As I'm doing that, while my pants are down around my ankles, I hear, hey, like that. Oh, no. And I look and it's this huge fucking cock strong fucking Amish dude walking up the fucking driveway. And I'm like, oh my God, oh my God, panicking. And I wipe, I leave it, just drop it in the pile. And I go, sorry. And I close the door and fucking skirt out of there. Yeah. So he's on this. She's not watching this. No, he's not. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Yeah, that's awesome. And it was a long time ago. And like Jay Klein said, I'm sober now. Yeah. Awesome. Two good shit stories there. Well, I think this was a beautiful way to end the fucking podcast. Yeah. You know, you we broke through with you. You're telling shit. And you'll never get this again. Okay. Y'all never hear this. Oh, that's not true. Come on. Jay, put this on the cutting room floor. This is this is not. I'm we're talking about you in shit stories a lot more now. We might just change that to the new topic. Have you or do you guys post all you guys post to all the socials and share? Who does your social stuff? Mainly me. Maybe the J. Klein side. He does all the YouTube. He does the YouTube. He does the social. I've come to realize now overdoing all the social media stuff, how different the audiences are on different platforms. Yes, it's very weird. And fucking tick tick talk once that fucking gutters shit. They want they want the grimy fucking shit stories. Yeah. Dope fiend stories, all that. Instagram wants this like super buttoned up and polished stuff like that. Yeah. Anytime I try to put one of those like tick talk clips on Instagram, that shit gets fucking yeah, bumping like a motherfucker. Yeah, we've been having a lot of problems with our YouTube. They've been kicking a bunch of our shit back to ever since we got monetized. I feel like they're fucking a little harder on letting us. We're in a different yeah, there's no rhyme or reason. A lot of this. Yeah. A lot of this shit stuff that I think and Instagram like they're really particular unlike you can't say certain words. Mainly there's a lot of words you can't say you know, anything drug related tick tock. They do not care. Like you can you know what pisses me off is when I see these other videos that pop up that are way more raunchy than ours that have like 800,000 views. I'm like how the fuck did that get through? I think our shit didn't get through. I think a lot of it is the I don't know that it's the video that matter. I could be completely wrong off on this. You may know better than me, but I think the I think the words are more important like what you write or like what you write in the caption. But I think what fucks is is if you I don't think it quite knows what the video is saying unless you once you add the captions because you notice once you add the captions, it'll like bleep out fuck and stuff like that. I think that's when it starts to pick up on the words you say because I did one. I did one on tick tock and it was my my buddy had shot my buddy Lance had shot so much coke that his eyeballs started to bleed. So I posted that picture in a clip is like a funny thing like that. But on the words I put have you ever shot so much coke your eyes bled? Yeah. And then wrote my tick tock videos went from getting like a couple thousand views to like 100 for like weeks after that. So they like bumpered the shit out of that. All right. I remembered my story, but it's not as cool as y'all is now. You and the shit story. No, it's not a shit story. But I was watching a video the other day is this guy was in prison. I need to say it out. So I pee. I sit down to pee. That's cool. Sit down to be cool. This is the reason you're ready. I never have to lift the toilet seat. I never have to wipe piss off the toilet seat. And it's more comfortable. Like so much more comfortable. But anyways, I was watching a video the other day and these two guys were in prison. And they both pee while they're sitting down. That's one of the guys said because whenever he got in his cell, the guy that was in the cell was there for life. And he said, Hey, the only rule that I have in here is when you piss, you sit down to pee. And he's like, Well, I aim real good. He said, Don't give a shit. He said, We have one toilet in this motherfucker, and you're not going to piss all over it. That's the only thing I'm going to ask. So I was like, maybe I don't know. I've never been to prison, but I probably would have been a pretty good celly because I sit down to pee. I wouldn't have got pee every not as good as y'all stories. But I will say this since we did talk about shit since I'm 44 now, there's a lot of times where I go to pee and I'm like, Oh, good thing I was sitting down because I just shit myself. I guess I can tell a story. Let's do it. All right. I got a shit story here. So I'm driving and you know, some returns. I'm in good shape, though, like I can wait. I get out of my. So the parking lot that I'm work at is locked up. I'm like, Oh, this might be a little bit of a problem. Now I have to go far and then walk all the way down to my office building. Start walking and I'm like, I'm still in good shape. I'm all right. I get about halfway and it's a pretty decent walk. And I forgot my badge to get inside of the office. So now I got to walk back up to my truck, go get my wallet, then walk all the way back. I shit myself in between. Like it was, it was enough to make a difference in my soul. It was so bad. It was, it was really bad. I was like, I just, you know, when you can't sneak a fart around a turn, you're like, I know there's one there, but I got to relieve some of this. It did not sneak around it, dude. It pushed that shit right out. It looked like a sat in Hormel chili. So did you go home? No. Gangster. So look, my managers, I won't say their names and I won't say the person. That works with us. But apparently someone on our team had shit themself on the way to work one day and they took a picture of it, right? Okay. Hey, I got to go home and change because I just shit myself. No fucking way. Why they did that because they showed everybody on our team. So now everybody on the team knew that this individual shit himself and we had the proof. The proof was in the pudding, but that literal pudding, literal chocolate pudding. Do you ever have those ones where like, you get that feeling it's like almost in your butt where like, but you can't like walk or anything. Yeah, we're like, you're like, oh my God, I might die. So I was on my way. Where do you, where do you lift that anytime fitness? All right. So big text is up here. I was coming back from big text and I was, I'd come south and I would train people at the YMCA. So I'd always hop in the pay by mail lane. I hop in the pay by mail one lane and you inevitably you'll get somebody that's going like fucking 40 in the pay by mail lane, but you're stuck in there. And all of a sudden I got that feeling where it's like, oh my God, we're like, you can't move. And I was stuck and I was like, holy fuck, this is it. I always hear about grown up shit themself. This is the time. I don't know how I ended up making it to the YMCA, but I remember like running in there with my butt cheeks clenched up and stuff like that. But I don't know, man, shit's real, dude. It happens to everybody. Does your asshole start to like reward you like when you get close to the bathroom? Like it starts loosening. It's like, you made it buddy. And it's just like, we're gonna, we're gonna just let it, let it go a little bit. And you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this is really bad. It's really bad. You're having a literal conversation with your asshole. Like I do that. Yeah. Yeah. That's a lot. Like, yeah, more than any man that's 44. Like it's happened multiple times. Imagine if you did. Dude, if I did drugs, I would be the fucking most disgusting motherfucker on the planet. I'd be like, I'd be, I'd be like, gollum underneath the bridge and shit. Dude, it would be so bad. Yeah. I'd be the one that you guys would be like, Oh, we're not gonna. Don't put that guy. We're not fucking around with old Joey over there. Fuck that guy. Yeah. Oh my God. Well, tackle, tackle the real, real shit today. The real shit today. And the real literally, well, Sean, literally, thank you so much for coming in, dude. This was fucking great. Thank you fellas. Thank you. Appreciate you making our doors are open to you anytime and anytime you want to come by. Do we need to do it more, man? I need to, we've obviously have Jay Klein is episodes coming out pretty soon. Next, as soon as I book these next ones, I want to get you guys in there, but we need to keep this shit going, dude. There's a sure need to keep supporting each other and fucking, yeah, we all we all rise. And dude, I've been all around this country with the speaking stuff. I'll put Austin's recovery community up against anybody's dude. I think there's not really many people that have the solid recovery community that we do. And so the more we continue to do this and keep strengthening this shit, dude, put it on the map. Let's go. Well, we're in. If you need anything from us, rather holler at us, let us know. So thank you. Let's get after it. But thank you again for coming on. Ladies and gentlemen, two addicts and a moron, Sean Livingston. We are out. I am your Genshin podcast. Go check it out. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, oh, can we not cut real quick? Yeah, we're not cut. The shirts. Oh, yeah. Unchained apparel. Unchained apparel. Thank you so much for these fucking shirts. Yes, they Dwayne Mama. They say fuck on them. So I'm a big fan. But it's fuck you. Fuck your feelings. Fuck your feelings. Stay sober. That's a fuck. Would you wear that one? What's the one that one? I'm not against obscenities. I'm just against shit. No, I know. Okay. No, no, no, I mean, you keep I don't know. I feel I figure you picked that one for a reason. Well, this is my I feel like that one's more you. It is. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. But would you wear that one? I don't know if I would wear one. I don't know. It's hard to say that the shirts are fucking awesome. That's not what I was saying at all. I'm just saying like some people would wear with swear words. Some people wouldn't. Yeah, I don't think I'd ever wear anything with swear words on it. So you would wear that one since I don't have swear words. Yeah, which is crazy because I do swear. Yeah, I just cussed like a sailor. But for some reason, yeah, you're wearing the apparel. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, wearing it is a little abrasive. Like I get that like wearing it out and you're going to see like an 80 year old lady like I don't want to keep in a high school kid that looks up or something. Yeah, some of my shirts I just had made were fuck fentanyl has a fingers and fentanyl underneath. And those get a lot of looks in the gym. Yeah. Well, anyway, unchained apparel. These are fucking great. Thank you so much. We're gonna put y'all I love getting free, free shirts. Yeah, we're gonna put y'all link on here so people can find y'all and go by the big on Tik Tok. Yeah, they just they just started their chain. They got a lot of different merchandise. And I've been chatting back and forth with a yeah, and a real good people in the Wayne. And yeah, so go represent them, go to their thing, go to their site, go buy some shit from them. We're all supporting each other. And so now that that said, I'm going to really end this episode for the third time. All right, two addicts and a moron, Sean Livingston. We're out.