Ep: 268 - Bert Kreischer

Oh, what an entrance. Come on. Leather pants. Who have you become? Oh, what are you talking about? Oh, my Lord. I'm pumped for this. Are you a cologne salesman? This outfit was clearly not for us, but I'm excited to get the sloppy seconds or whatever this is. This is a Seth Meyers outfit. You're hanging out with Guy Fieri too much. Fieri. It's Fieri. Leather pants is bold as fuck. Dude. How do you get those on? With your sweaty ass thighs. Come on. They feel sexy as fuck. Ooh, that's smooth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn, that's real cow tits. I'm stepping up my road game. I'm stepping up my pant game. Yeah, I guess so. Well, you're shirtless on stage, so you can only really get pants. Yeah. Are we rolling? Yeah, dude. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know, when I did Lucky, I was like, all my thumbnails are identical. It's me in jeans. It's shirtless. And so, like, they know if you have a new special, if you have a suit on, you know. And so I got... When you fall off, you wore a jorts, maybe? That's the fucking fall off special? Oh, jorts. Ooh, like... Or a kilt. That could be fun. I got a... That was the Attell joke. Remember, for people wearing a kilt, it's pants down, then shit. Oh, no, he goes, unless you're wearing a kilt. I fucked up his joke. God damn it. When I was a young comic, I was walking through. I used to wear Hawaiian shirts all the time. And I was walking through in the back at the cellar, and he goes, only two types of people wear Hawaiian shirts, party animals or f***s. Which one are you? And, you know, me, I was like, oh, it's a party animal. Oh, that's hilarious. No, I decided to step up my pants game because I was like, so I did it in Lucky. And then on this tour, I've been wearing snakeskin bedazzled pants. What the fuck? It's like, why not? You're in an arena. Why not step it up a little bit instead of wearing jeans and, you know? And it's like, listen, if you take yourself too seriously, I would love to go full Eddie Murphy. Oh, full leather. Yeah. Do you remember? Eddie Murphy wore that. Of course. How could he forget? But what a statement. Yeah. Like, no one's done. Cat Williams does it. You better be a great comic in that fucking, like, if you're like a young comic trying to pull that shit off and you're bombing. Oh. A bomb in that suit, you're fucking sweaty. Yeah. Schumer did a leather special. Think about it. Let's talk about what comics wear in specials, right? Yeah. So I think in all Tom's specials, it's like a nondescript jacket with a shirt. Yeah. A suit's one. Nate is kind of similar, too, I feel like. Yeah. But it's almost like you don't want the outfit to speak for yourself, right? Yes. But if you're shirtless, why not allow the outfit to complement the conversation? Sure. You know? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you look like a pro wrestler doing a press tour. Thank you very much. By the way, when I wore the steak skin ones out with a top, Owen Hart. We both went on there. It wasn't Owen Hart. Wasn't it Owen Hart? Yeah, that's when he died. Yeah, yeah. I was like, hopefully you're Owen Hart. I couldn't get it out. I said, Bret Hart. Sorry. Keep going there. We're slow to start this. We're sorry, Bert. We had a couple pods earlier. Oh, God. And I want a drink. That's the death of podcasting. I know. It is. That's the death of podcasting. It's so true. when you come in. It's the Owen Hart of podcasting. Yeah. Well, it's like fucking twice. Like, I fucked my wife, and we're like, hey, that was pretty good. And she's like, let's go again. I'm like, we're only going to ruin it. And then if I come in, and I notice you guys don't have energy, and I talk a lot, the comments are like, he wouldn't shut the fuck up. No, no, no. Yeah, it's crazy. We're here. We're bringing it for you, dude. No, no, we're going to step it up. We're going to step it up. We need a drink. Let's have a drink. I can't drink. What's up? medication? Blood clots. What? We won't drink. You know I never cared about that. Yeah, bad. In my lungs, yeah. Blood clots. Fuck. I'm saving it for Rogan. Is it from drinking? No, it's from passing out on a plane. Passing out on a plane with your leg like this. What? It's like just inactivity on a plane. I flew back and forth from L.A. to the East Coast probably about five times from December 18th to New Year's Eve. Okay. And Nashville included. But I got off the last flight I had from New York to do Kelly Clarkson. Man, on the plane, I was like, God damn it. My fucking leg hurts. And it had been hurting for like a week, two weeks all over in different locations. And it was really odd. I'm going to get you a peg leg, dude. That'd be fucking sick. That's a good thumbnail, dude. A little eye patch. Peg leg. A peg leg. Dude, I was scared when it happened, because you know it's a blood clot. You know it's a blood clot immediately. I don't think I would know. I would know that. You know. Really? You 100% know. You 100% know. And then I went in. I was like, it was throbbing at night. Oh, shit. I told my wife. I was like, something's up. I woke up at 2 in the morning to make a drink, to go back to bed, because I was like, I can't. I have no rest. And Leanne's like, I'm taking you to the emergency room. Fuck. You know when you go, usually you're like, ah, I'm fine. And I was like, I want to go to the emergency room. Whoa. And I went in and I told them, I said, I think I have a blood clot. And they're like, you don't have a blood clot. You don't have any of the markers are you're very overweight. Like, I'm overweight, but I'm not. You've got to be very overweight, totally inactive. Like, those are the markers for blood clots, usually. She's like, you seem fairly active. And she goes, I think it's your sciatic nerve, which I do have a sciatic problem. And then. Is that back? Like, right here. Got it. It shoots down your leg. Okay. And I told her, I said, but it's been traveling. It was in my foot. It was on the outside of my foot. It was in my calf. It was on the outside of my calf. It was all over my leg. It's like you were torn like a motherfucker, dude. I was in crazy pain. She comes back. They do an ultrasound. She's like, you have a significant bug caught behind your knee. She goes, I didn't see that. She goes, we got to see if they're in your lungs. And then took me in. And then they're like, they're in your lungs. And so then they're like. How the fuck did a tell beat you to fucking this? I know. There's a guy from CNN, young dude, flew to Afghanistan. didn't move a lot on his plane, I guess. Landed. I hear every blood clot story you've ever. Young guy gets a blood clot, died two days later. But don't a lot of people just sleep on a plane? They do. But I think... It's the angle, maybe? So there's a number... Honestly, no one can really figure out what happened. They're going like, how did it happen to you? Yeah. And so, I mean, that's where, man, when the internet chimes in, you're like... Oh, and I'll read that shit. Have you ever had COVID? 11 times. Were you vaccinated? Four times. Were you on testosterone? A ton. Were you inactive on the plane? Drunk, passed out. Alcohol has nothing to do with it, luckily, because that was like my... But yeah, it's like all of the above. This guy, he got a blood clot and he died. He's like an in-shape guy. Yeah. That's awful. You don't know. I mean, listen, man. Some people just die. Yeah. And there's no reason they die. It's just a fluke. Wow. One guy died jogging. Embolism in his lungs. DBT, that's what I got. From the plane ride. I've been flying West Coast, East Coast for like the past three weeks, and I'm going to Oregon this weekend. Dehydration is a huge thing. Okay. Because it thickens your blood. Coffee, huge thing. I had like six coffees today. Oh, shit. Dude, the key is, I'm worried about terrorists on planes. I don't need a fucking stewardess to shake me if I pass out. Get compression socks. It won't happen. Really? If you get compression socks, it won't happen. And if you get up, I have to get up every 30 minutes on a flight now. So I get up like a lunatic. Like, almost like I'm one of those scouts on a plane looking for terrorists. Yeah, yeah. My face every morning. Marshall. Yeah, Marshall. But yeah, so I'm not drinking for indefinitely. I got a second opinion. All right, I think you're ugly, too. Wow, this is crazy. Burn on no drinking. She said to me, I mean, I'll tell you the number. She goes, you're going to be on blood dinners. And she was like, and this is, she like, it got really serious real quick. Because I've even posted like a poll on Instagram because everyone thought it was a cramp. It was like, and I was like, guys, am I a hypochondriac or do you think I have a blood clot? And everyone, 95% hypochondriac. God, that would suck if that was your last post. Oh, God. Is this a tumor? That was his last story. Do you know what Leanne said to me in the hospital room? Because then I get diagnosed with a blood clot and it gets super serious real quick. Then they find them in my lungs and it gets wildly seriously, wildly quick. And my blood pressure is through the roof. My heart rate is skyrocketing. They take me in to do the CT scan, the CAT scan, and they put iodine into my bloodstream. And they're like, hey, are you allergic to iodine? Oh, jeez. And I'm like, I don't know. I don't think I've ever had it. And he goes, well, we'll just find out. I go, well, hold on. What's like a side effect? And he goes, oh, anaphylactic shot. and I go, can you test it? And he goes, nah, it's just we put it in. He goes, you know, you're in the hospital, it's the safest place to be. So he goes, you're going to feel it. Have you gotten into anaphylactic shock? No, I never have. I did once, it sucks. I looked like fucking Hitch in that scene. Your eyes bug out, your throat closed off. Wait, what was it for you? I was, I'll tell you off air, I don't want to tell people my Achilles' teeth. Was it cum? It was cum. God damn it. You'd be dead by now. Yeah. damn yeah so that uh no it's it's brutal dude they got to get that fucking epipen your leg well it's crazy in a bird shit on me on the way to the on the way to my mom rushed me to the fucking hospital and he bird shit on me my mom's like that's good luck that's good luck doesn't feel like yeah but so they go god when they when they tell you you're going they when you get iodine they go your throat is going to tighten yeah it's going to get real hot and by the way this is like what happens yeah and then you're gonna feel like you shit yourself and you're gonna feel like you pissed yourself okay and i'm like these are all symptoms of anaphylactic shock i think yeah and he's how do i know if i'm having anaphylactic shock yeah so they flood me with iodine and then and i feel it and i feel like i shit myself i'm by the way i'm naked on this thing with a blanket over my dick jesus and then the guy comes up to me the nurse comes up to me and he's like i'm in the cat scan and they stop it so i'm halfway through and he just leans in he goes hey man are you having a heart attack? And I was like, I don't know. Why are they out of the doctor? Give me a fucking answer here. You have a lot of questions. Am I allergic to iodine? I don't know. Yes. And so, I go, I don't think I am. And he was like, your heart rate is through the roof and your blood pressure is skyrocketing. And I was like, dude, I'm having a fucking panic attack. You asked me if I'm allergic to iodine. I feel like I shit my pants. I'm getting a CAT scan. And then he just goes, oh no, nevermind. The phone rings. The answer, he goes, you got blood clots in your lungs. And I was like, in your lungs I don't know anything about this well they're not as bad it's the embolism where the blood clot explodes I think in your lungs you don't want I had blood clots in my lungs I never saw a picture of them but they said they were small they weren't like crazy big but then they're like the lady goes he's burying his soul right now he's talking about his medical When you fart in leather pants, it sticks at them. Bert's like, it was stage four. Mark's like, hold on, let me get a look. Sorry, I had eggs for lunch. So then, yeah, so then they come in. They're like, yo, we're going to put you on blood dinners. It's really serious. You need to take this very serious. You need to be on blood dinners. And I was like, for how long? She goes, six months. Jesus. And I go, you're sober for six months? Oh, my God. You're going to get ripped. I mean, I guess. I got a second opinion. I was like, hold on I call my cardiologist and I go, yo so I got I'm on blood thinners and he goes, I think you should be on blood thinners for the rest of your life, I mean it's not bad but like a mild blood thinner and I was like, but wait, can I drink on them? and he was like, listen I can't, like, it doesn't really affect I can't say there's any correlation between your blood clots, blood thinners and alcohol, but what I can tell you is you have blood clots in your lungs and in your leg, and you should focus on your health to get rid of them. And then come back. He goes, come back in three months. We'll take a look at it. Come back in a few months. But I went from crazy pain in my leg. I mean, unbearable. Unbearable. Couldn't find comfort sleeping. To now, I took a walk in the park today. I've been working out. I don't feel it the way I did. And I was on a crazy amount of blood thinners, and now I'm on just like two a day. And no Tylenol. and my blood pressure is perfect. I feel great. That's the problem with not drinking. You just feel good. You feel fucking incredible. But you also got the Mickey Mantle gene, so you might heal in half the time. I set an appointment for the day after the Super Bowl to get my leg checked. I tried to get in there the day before the Super Bowl. Because I was like, fucking Super Bowl party. You know what's weird? You know what thins your blood is alcohol. So you'd think it would help. I think the alcohol isn't bad. It's not bad. It's not bad in the whole scheme of things. What it is is the alcohol causes inactivity on a plane, and you pass out. And I think I passed out on my flight from New York to here with my leg underneath me. And, like, just passed out. And I had gotten a massage. I'm not saying this is the cause of it. I got involved because I thought I had a foot problem, and the dude fucked my leg up. Oh, I'm sure that added to it. That's what they said. They go, I think you probably got injured. and because I was injured and this is like a perfect storm of blood clots, because I was injured I stepped up my testosterone thinking it would heal me. And so all these things mixed and I had COVID 11 times and I had four vaccinations. And you can't be sitting on that. You're going to George Floyd that calf. By the way, perfect storm of blood clots. That's Clooney's next movie. But yeah, so... I'm having a poor Oso. Have a drink. This is like when Ebert lost his face and he was like, eat for me. It's not like that. What's crazy is I'm in the hospital. This is how my brain works. You guys know me well enough to know that I'll get made fun of for this, but it is how my brain works. I'm in the hospital. I get the blood clots everywhere and then they leave the room and they don't tell me any diagnosis. They just tell me I have blood clots. And I go to Leanne, I'm like, yo, this will fuck the promo up for my TV show. I'm supposed to be hardcore press flying back and forth to promote a show I absolutely love and stand by. And I'm like, this is going to fuck everything up. And I'm on tour. I'm on the road straight for 25 days. I'm on the road straight, straight, straight for nine weeks. And I'm like, what the fuck? Can you go bus? I'm on the bus. I'm on the bus. But I'm not on the bus. I've got to fly to Austin tomorrow afternoon to get to my show in Austin. And then I'm doing a run in Texas. I go back. I'm doing Rogan. Monday, and then I'm taking the bus from Austin to Tampa because I don't want to fly. I don't want to fly. Flying's just a pain in the ass because I've got to get up every 30 minutes. Yeah. Oh, man. I'm taping my next special in Tampa. Are you really? Yeah, Tampa Theater. Tampa Theater? Yeah. I love that venue. I fucking love that venue. I know. You're the king of Tampa, dude. Oh, dude. You do a special. Go in and do, how many shows are you doing? Three. Oh, do four. I can't because they were talking me out of it. I added the... Who's going to talk you out of it? Well, I added the Thursday show at 8.30, so I wouldn't add a fourth. They were like, please don't add a fourth. Just for loading the set in, they didn't want me to add a fourth. Add a fourth and film all of them. I did six on my last special. I think I can get it in three. You can get it in three. Here's the problem. You're shooting three, so you shoot Thursday, and then you shoot Friday. Two shows Friday. Yeah. It's perfect. Your first show is a wash. They're not going to get it on the first show. Don't even worry about that first show. Everyone that I know Because I got on the first show The special never was the thing they wanted No And everyone Because all the cameramen Don't know their angles yet You put some lime in here? Oh Do we want a lime? What is this? Korea? Come on It was a lime man I fucking heard it Bert Santino and I got after it When? Last night? Last night We got fucking lit up And then how many podcasts Have you done today? We had Adam Ray on earlier Oh a lot of energy Yeah A lot of back and forth A lot of zingers It was great Get ready for a snooze fest Everybody Bert Kreischer's here Well, here's the question. He's not doing Dr. Phil. You're not drinking. Are you worried that's going to change you, your act, your brand? Your whole show is about being a party animal. No. You're not worried? No. No, it's going to be fine. Come on. No, but no one knows that I'm not drinking on stage. Your show is called Fully Loaded. I mean, everything's boozy. No, my tour is called Permission to Party. Okay. Yeah, but no, I don't think, I mean, you know, that's like the whole thing. Like, if you lose weight, are you still funny? Ah, good point. Like, when I'm on stage, I'm sober. I'm doing the show sober. I perform sober. I drink at the end towards the machine story because I go, because it's my night, and I go, I'm done. For me, I just go. And that's in your bones. Yeah. It's autopilot for you. It's like when I'm drinking until the machine, it's like I just go a little longer with it, and I fuck around with the story. That's just to make the machine fun for me. But for the most part, I go up with coffee, and, like, I do a coffee mix of coffee and protein shake, and I've always done that. But I don't like performing drunk. I've done it, but I don't like it You really did have eggs What did you eat, for real? I got blood clots in my ass Sorry, folks I had a big lunch I had a tortilla soup, it was unbelievable But yeah, back to the club You look like your gynecologist is Miami But I'm worried about you I mean, listen, I think I'd be dead by now That's a good point I'm glad I partied with Bert We went to Ireland, we went all over the UK We sang it like I'm dead. Well, you came to my bachelor party. We had a great time. Yeah, we've lived. The fully loaded, the bus tour. I'm glad I got it all in because it's RIP for the old B-E-R-T. You're going to have to throw up an I will remember you graphic here. Yeah, the forum of the fully loaded days. I'm passed. It's over. Was Seth Meyers bummed you were drinking? What? Was Seth Meyers bummed you were drinking? No, no, no. This is like when Pryor buried the N-word. Wait, Pryor buried the N-word? Yeah, he stopped using the N-word towards the end. He went to Africa and he got all spiritual. And he's like, the N-word's bad. Took him a long time to realize that. Yeah, he sold it to Michael Richards. But yeah. Did he get a good deal? I think so, yeah. I don't think it worked out. No, I'll drink again one day. I own a vodka company. I know, I'm drinking. I can't quit drinking. We'll do it for you. We're going to carry the torch for you until then, dude. I can't even eat edibles right now. Wow. Really? Can't smoke weed. Coffee you can do. I can barely do Carmeloud one cup a day. You're a raw dog in life. You know what Che Guevara, when they told him to cut down on cigars, so he could have two cigars a day, he'd smoke them this long? That's right. Yeah. That's badass. I asked her if I could have cigars, and she was like, you have blood clots in your lungs. And I was like, weed? She goes, what are we doing here? Yeah. And then I was like, well, can I be by a campfire? You might become a candy guy, dude. No. I was in a late night. It was a tell in Artie Lang. Oh, yeah. And they were just talking about the highs you get from fucking candies. For real? And it tells, like, oh, these now and later is this fucking, I'm like, oh, these are two sober dudes getting high on candy. No, I'm on, I mean, let's take it to the next level, everybody. I'm on Manjaro. So I'm on a Terra Zeptide, so I don't eat at all. Like, I don't eat, I feel sick if I eat, so I barely eat. All I'm eating is fish because it's what I'm supposed to eat. So what's the vice? You've got to have a take the edge off. Well, we're trying to find that out more. The outfits, I guess. This is some way to get it. Yeah, this is the advice. I mean, it was going to be like, I said to myself this year, I'm not going to buy anything. Like, I'm going to try not to buy anything. So I spent last year just buying shit. What's the crazy thing you bought? I've been to his house. It's like a fucking toy. I was at your old house. I haven't seen the new one. Oh, yeah. The new one's stupid. What's the crazy thing you bought? I mean, I bought Tom a race car. Oh, my God. I bought him $120,000 for his birthday. Mark got me a gift card to a bar. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. you know that hang on you know the premise of this no so this is back when you know like like you guys will look back at this podcast and go god we were good back then tom and i look back at two bears back then and we were so it was all we had we didn't have tv shows we didn't have movies we didn't have tours it was like kind of during the pandemic and we started buying each other birthday gifts yeah and we said we're gonna buy more expensive birthday gifts for the next person so they had to top it next year and so tom wow for my first for my first birthday he sent me like He started it. He bought me a $6,000 bike, an electric bike that went 45 miles an hour. It was the only gift I got that was good that year. My daughters, my wife, everyone got me something, and then this bike shows up. And I'm hammered, and I get on it, and I go flying through my neighborhood. And I had the funnest time listening to music, not a care in my fucking life. And I called Tommy. I go, that's the best present I've ever gotten. That sounds so dangerous. The Jew in me is like, that sounds so fucking dangerous, dude. Drink in. You get the music on. You're fucking zipping. Oh, yeah. You lose your senses. And then Tommy goes, I can't wait to see what you get me. Oh, boy. And I got so excited. You got to one-up him. So I bought him like a $15,000 jet ski. It went like 75 miles per hour. Holy hell. And he loves speed, and he just moved. By the way, this is how Paul Walker died. They kept upping the ante. Yeah, exactly. And so he gets it, and he was flying. He would call me, and he's like, dude, it is 7 a.m. I just had my coffee, and I'm going 75 miles per hour on this fucking lake. That sounds awesome. So then he goes, I can't wait to get your birthday present. I'm in the middle of promoting the machine. My schedule's chaotic. I'm trying to get to Austin, and I get a call from Tommy, and he goes, hey, everything's been taken care of. I had to go from Minnesota to Austin, Austin to L.A., L.A. back to Austin, and then Austin back on the road. Okay. And Tommy said, I got you covered. And I was like, what? He was like, don't worry about your flight tomorrow. Everything's fine. They're going to fill you in tomorrow morning. So I wake up. It's a massage from a man. That's not enough money. No, that's definitely not. He got me a G6 to take me to Austin, then take me to L.A., then back to Austin, then back out on the road. I'm talking with a flight attendant and full meals. And I was like, oh, my God. Can we tell you what a G6 looks like? Pull up a G6. It's the shit. What's so cool about it? I always wonder why. It's a bed in the back. It's a big body plane, so you can stand up and walk around. Oh, wow. And it was crazy. It was crazy. I was wondering why Christina stayed with him. Look at that. So then the next year, he wanted to learn. It was crazy. I remember I would just invite people on the plane. I was like, guys, we have so much room. Yeah. I mean, we flew producers for the movie because we were screening the movie and flying back to screen it again in Texas. I flew producers on the plane. I was like, Tom got the plane for us. Tom transitioned to rich guy so easily. He loves it. He loves it. And you know what? He's from Ohio. He's the best. You know, I think I did an interview one time with Slash. I don't know if I've talked about this on a podcast or not, but I'll share it here. I interviewed Slash, and one thing they said is don't ask him about Guns N' Roses. Okay. Hey, Slash, you want to talk about pottery? What are we talking about? That's kind of your thing. We're supposed to talk about Slash's Snake Pit. It was his new band. Oh, okay, okay. And he was in Velvet Revolver, right? He was in something else. Not Velvet Revolver. No, what was he in? He was in another band. No, he was in another band, wasn't he? Slash's Snake Pit. Yeah. That's it? That's it. I thought he was in another band after Guns N' Roses. Am I fucking dumb? Velvet Revolver. There you go, dude. Velvet Revolver. Okay. So I show up to the show, and he's already drinking in my green room. Hell yeah. It's like six in the morning. Jesus. Hell no. And he's like, I got kicked out of my house last night. They told me you have booze in here. I kind of let myself in. Still a rocker. Oh. I love it. I'm 28 years old, 27 years old, and it's Slash. It's still Slash to me. Sure. So I sit down, I drink with him, and we have the greatest morning ever. Like, we're just shooting the shit, and it's like so loose that by the time we get to the stage, we're hammered. He's like, we're walking together. We're like boys, right? Whoa. And we sit down and I go, hey, what am I supposed to talk to this buddy? Ask me anything. Whoa. So the first thing I said is, I go, why do Guns N' Roses break up? And he just goes, that's a great question that no one's ever asked me. We weren't allowed to. No one, because they go, they don't want to get. And you can see his team like, ugh. And he said one of the most interesting things, and I think this is important to, when you think of like, especially the L.A. comedy scene, is like, he goes, you know, we were all street kids and we were all broke together and we all lived on the street and we were all the same type of person. We just wanted to get fucked up, play music and fuck chicks. Yes. And then we went on the road and we were like all the same person. We'd get on the bus, get fucked up, fuck chicks, play music. And he goes, and then we toured the world. We're in Brazil. We're the same kids. Get fucked up, fuck chicks, play music, get on the bus. Love it. And he goes, we got done, I think he said Brazil. We got done our last show and we come back to LA. We sit at our manager's office and they're like, this is how much money you have. and they realized none of us had anywhere to stay We all in hotels And they like where do you want to buy a house And Slash was like easy We all living on the Sunset Strip right above the Roxy Hell yeah Right above the that where we going to move And Axl was like, I'm moving to Malibu. And Slash was like, what the fuck? Oh, he changed. And he was like, no, but Slash goes, that's what I've always wanted to be. That's where I've always wanted to live. And so when I look back at the L.A. scene, at our best, all these comics, dude, when we were all broke comics. By the way, I thought heroin is why they broke up. That's so funny. He's like, he moved to a different zip code. It wasn't cool. No, no, no. But he goes, we were different rich people. I know, but there's that thing behind the music. I'm sure. Where he's like, actually, if Slash doesn't stop dancing with Mr. Brownstone, he's out of the band. You're like, oh, shit. Well, I think Stephen Adler had a problem, too. Yeah, they were all fucked up. But God, in the 90s, they were so fucking cool. I don't know if Slash was in the place where he was going to be like, I had a heroin problem. Stephen had a heroin problem. But did you see the video of him where he's so fucked up with a cigarette in his mouth, it just, like, falls down his pants and he's still playing? By the way, he rocked leather pants. Oh, big time. And I can't stop rubbing them. They're so fucking soft. They're very smooth. I might send you guys a couple pairs. Anyway. We'll wear them on the pod if you do it. You going Commando? Of course. Oh. What is it? You've been shitting in your pants the entire time. This is a great time to go to Sheath, our underwear sponsor. I'm wearing two pairs of underwear. You should wear two pairs of underwear. I have a net in my ass. Wow. But what's interesting about me and Tom is, like, broke comics were identical. Identical. You got that right. The second we make money, he's very different. Like, Tom wants a house that is furnished. And it's set, and you just move in, turnkey ready. Me and Leanne, we buy a fixer-upper, we tear it down, we build it together. Yeah, I like that. A year and six months building the house, because that's who we are. Well, Mark moved to a big townhouse in Brooklyn, and I'm in, like, an apartment doorman building in the village. But I'm also a single guy. He's got the family now. But it's interesting, as you grow as men, you're not the same type of person. Right. You're different. Even, like, you look at Ari. Ari's made money, but he's still saved this one guy. Yeah. I think he's not afraid of the growth. Can you edit something out? All right, go back. But you look at Ari, and, like, Ari definitely is someone who was like, I don't want to change. I want to be the exact same guy. Which is noble. That's why we love him. Yeah, which is noble. And you're like, great. It's like, look at Shane. Shane's an interesting millionaire. Sure. He's like, you can see Shane not changing at all, but changing at times. Yeah, he likes nice shit, but he's still a regular guy. Yeah, and it's interesting to watch someone. You know, I said to you a long time ago, Mark, I was like, I can't wait to see how you deal with fame. Yeah, one day I'll get there. You're doing all right, buddy. You're doing all right, buddy. Oh, wow. I don't know if I want to be famous. Are you not famous? I like this level. I like I'm selling out shows We got a nice podcast I hang out with my friends I got a nice house With a family Do you want anything more? No No yeah you do We wrote a fucking movie Well I mean I like to do fun stuff But I'm not like Hey I want to be a movie star Yeah yeah Well why'd you write a movie? You want to act in a movie Wait hold on Hold on I want to see if we can do it Find your truth Okay Because if you're lying to yourself You're lying to everyone Alright well then Because that's a tough part I think I know exactly What I was going to say You want You want to make fun shit Yeah And we wrote a fun movie. For you guys to star in. Yes. Yeah. It's a fun movie. That's funny shit. And we wrote a funny movie with a ton of jokes in it. And we were proud of it. We had David Tell in it. We'd like you to be in it. Stabra. All these fun people. So, to me, that's not about fame. That's like, hey, we're making a movie. Yeah, but don't get confused. The second you enter the movie system, it's a different fucking animal. Really? See, that scares me. I don't like that animal. Dude, I have a fucking TV show coming up. Is that you on a private jet? Berkowitz took that in like 2015. Yeah, I was like, that doesn't look like you. That was Schumer. I was hung over as shit there. Look at that fucking beard, man. Yeah, I was on the road for a while without a razor. Good times. The thing about TV shows and movies and stuff is when you do a special, you release it, you know it's going to do well. You're like, well, no, but you did the material for 18 months on the road. Good point. Unless you're one of these other comics that go, I'm going to go out for three weeks and try it out. You're like, well, good luck. But for us, to me, it's insane. Wildly irresponsible. Yeah. When you hear a comic. Oh, yeah. Part of the fun is getting it good. Of course. I've got to give it up for Marcelo Hernandez because... He's crushing. His special did very well. He's a great kid. Good guy. But he was going to do that. He told Chris Rock, yeah, I'm getting ready to do my special. I'm going to do next weekend and rehearse it. Chris Rock was like, cancel it. He was like, what? He was like, you're not ready. And he canceled it. Good for him. And then took time to work on the material. And good for Rock to tell him that. Without being in the back of your head the whole time. Yeah. You don't want that voice in the head being like you're not ready. But we've all seen specials where you're like, how do they put this out? Are they crazy? This is like half the jokes. You know, they do the shit where they're like, I don't have an ending to that. Next thing. And you're like, what? You don't have an ending. That's our whole job. That was your closer. Yeah. Yeah. Crazy. I see a lot of that. I see a lot of it. I don't understand someone that doesn't take a special as serious as their health. When I do a special... My next special is called Blood Clot. It's going to be really good. The blood clot would have been an okay way to die. No, don't fucking do that. You don't want to die from an easy joke. My liver fails and it's like, oh, fuck, I'm fucked. Right. If I get a DUI and get in a car accident, come on. if you want to get attacked by a shark yeah but what if your next special is amazing because you didn't drink then you can't go back I can do whatever the fuck I want I don't know where these rules are coming from you Mark Mark's like birth dead he's gone to us I just am not drinking until my blood clock goes away I'm still in shock when have you ever known me to lose weight and keep it off or stop drinking and never I am a fucking gain it back kind of guy that's a good point But it's like seeing Carrot Top without the props or something. I love that you said that. Okay. You have not seen the series yet, have you? I got a link today. No, it's too late. It's today right before we're coming here. So I did that in this show. Carrot Top? Yeah. Oh, I love Carrot Top. I'm not a hater. I leaned in to like... By the way, the show is Freebert. It's on Netflix, January 22nd. Which I'm sure is out by now. Yeah. Yeah, when this comes out. Art Mirren looking good. She looks great. She's a cool girl. The girls are the stars. They really are. They steal the show. Okay. Epstein said that. But I leaned into, like, all the shit that I get online. I leaned into all of it. Good. Own it. I leaned into it. Like, there's a... That's how you win. I just watch the show, but I was like, whatever people say about me, like, you just got to take your shirt off. Yeah, I leaned into that. What are you without taking your shirt off? I leaned into that. Hell yeah. When people show up, you didn't take your shirt off. You ain't mild yourself. I ain't mild. I was like, fuck it. I was like, I'm already done. I'm done with, like, I'm done with, like, I know what people say. So I'm just going to fucking include it because that is in my inner thought. Right. The shit people say about you does enter the pathos and ethos. And you're sitting there with it in your head going like, would people show up if I didn't take my shirt off? They would. Yeah, they would. They would. And they'd be like, why is his shirt on? There would be 80% of the room that's going like, is he going to take it off? Yeah, that's true. It's like I brought a guitar on stage one time when I was young at the Boston Comedy Club. and I put it next to the fireplace and tried to do material and then play it, and they all just stared at the guitar. And I was like, oh, never do that again. Iggy Pop had one leg shorter than the other. Did you know that? Is that right? That's why he walked like that. See him standing? Yeah. That's because one leg's shorter than the other. Yikes. Get a pair of panties on that guy. Look at those hips. The pants are so low. Alan McBeal looks terrible. Nikki Glaser What are you doing? Oh there we go He's hot there That's not Iggy Pop Oh yeah That's a young pop Are you serious? It's tough when you have a sick body And then you're just like I'm sticking with this And you're like Oh boy Now that's my fear What? No booze Six months Manjaro Testosterone And you come ripped And I love working out So you're just going to be a ripped guy Without a shirt? Can I tell you That's no good I was with Chappelle one night and we were fucking boozing and I told him, he's like, dude he's like, you shoulders, man and I was like, I'm shirtless and he's like, you shoulders, man and he goes, you know man, you're inspiring me I want to work out, I want to get jacked and I was like, yeah, and I was like, you know people always say, what if I lose weight, will I still be funny and he just, in the best Chappelle way just leans in and he goes, fuck him get fucking ripped and shredded be a fucking rock star and I was like, oh all you have to hear is one thing from Spell or Cat Williams, and you're like, that's what I'm doing. Well, he got ripped. Remember, he was a skinny guy. Every special, he's like a twig, skinny pothead, and now he's like, he's guns a-blazing now. Spell, do you remember when Spell showed up with big arms? Yeah. And you were like, yo. It was weird. The funny thing is when a comedian gets healthy, we're like, are you okay? Yeah. We're like, you made a wise mental choice. I'm more comfortable as a fuck-up. Same. Well, I watched Segura's special, and he's, like, weirdly thin. Like, so in shape that you're like, whoa, it's jarring. He's 185 pounds right now. Oh. He's thinner than me. Yeah, I know. He's thinner than everybody. Wow. Yeah. Well, pull up Segura now, because the face is thin. You can just tell, like, he's got a sculpting thing going on. He's got a trainer. He's hot. Look at the T-shirt. It's baggy. Yeah. Crazy. Damn, look at this. Yeah, but I think I'm done taking those pictures, by the way. That was a period in my life when I was, like, so excited I was losing weight. And then I was like, no one wants to fucking see that. No. Like, no one wants to see you looking good. No. And you don't think it about you, but then you're like, what the fuck off, Aaron Berg? What are you doing? Love, Aaron Berg. I'm just, I mean, but, like, look at this in that picture to the right. No, that's not real. That's fake. Go to the blue woman with the blue background. Yeah. That guy's in shallow pieces again. Look at, look at, I mean, I'm just like. Look at the guns, the shoulders. You look like fucking Julian Edelman there from far. Oh, yeah. Thank you to the chosen people. You got that right. But, yeah, I mean, right now I'm just like, I work out because I like it. And I'm eating, like clean only because I'm on Manjaro. But I'm only on Manjaro because Leanne took me to the doctor, and the doctor was like, yo. And this is at my fattest. When I was filming Free Burt, I got done. Free Burt, I'm like 275 pounds for the whole series. How tall are you? 6'1". six foot six one and so i go i get done he takes me to the doctor my cardiologist is like you know he's like you're you're very heavy i was like and i said to him i was like i'm not the heaviest i've been and he goes yeah by one pound you were one pound heavier last time you came in and i go well i lift weight so i'm very muscular and he goes how much muscle's in there so he took he did a scan of my body to check to see like it's called uh it's called a dexa scan and he was like, yo, you have 90 pounds in your stomach of visceral fat. Whoa. And I was like, is that a lot? And he was like, it's like a Romanian gymnast. Whoa. He was like, you're holding on to a human in your stomach. It's bad for your back. It's bad for your knees. It's bad for everything. And he was like, and I told him, I'm not going to do Manjaro. I was like, I don't want to cheat. I don't want to cheat. So that's like Ozempic? It's like Ozempic. Yeah. It's the same thing. Cut your appetite. And then he goes, okay. And he goes, I'll tell you what, I'll see you in three months and you're going to be 300 pounds. Whoa. And I was like, for real? And then I just did it. The first time I did it, it was my birthday, November 3rd. That was a week. And I did it. And I noticed that my eating cut back and my drinking kind of cut in half. And I was like, well, that's not bad. Yeah. And then I upped my dosage and was violently ill for a week. Like, oh, throwing up. Well, I don't know if I'm allowed to say it, but you micro-dosed Ozempic. I'm micro-dosing now. That's smart. Yeah. Yeah, it's so much better to be, like, micro-dosing, and then if you feel you're eating, just punch a little more in. Yeah. And then pull off. What a country this is. I know. People are starving, and we're just like, I'm going to take just a little to cut out, like, a snack. Right. Yeah, but you know what? Hang on. Hang on. Can I just, can I politically rant for the first time? Oh, shit. You're a big ice fan. Oh, my God. Pull up the United States. That's all I can eat these days. Dude, I love him. I love him. Friday, another Friday, I love it. You know, it's like I watched this fucking documentary about global warming. And they're like, you need to do your part. Al Gore. And I was like, hang on, fuck off. We're doing our part. How about the fucking animals all around the world that are burning trash in their front yard? Like, let's be real. Oh, good point. It's not us. It's not us. India's number one with pollution. And then China. Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, fucking Bank, you name it, Thailand. They're burning trash in their front yard. It's not us. The worst part about having a cat is the litter box, the smell, the mess, and constantly switching brands hoping something actually works. BoxyPro solves that. The pro stands for probiotics, which are built directly into the litter to stop the bacteria that causes odors. 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You get a sandwich off the street and none of that shit's processed. That's true. Have you been to Vietnam? Oh, fuck yeah. Really? Oh, yeah. Is there a comedy there or no? No, no. I did a Travel Channel show there. Oh, that's crazy. Yeah. But, like, you look at this. You look at Eastern Africa, West Africa. Dude, that's where the pollution problem is, not us. Right. Stop making films for white people to watch and feel guilty about their SUV. That's not the problem. The problem is that river that we're – I mean, look, sure, we can cut back on pollution on our part. Yeah. But also, let's invade this country, whatever it's called, and go, hey, guys, let me show you what a trash can is. Like, let me show you. They won't do it. It doesn't go in your fucking river. They won't yell at them because it's bad optics. You can't yell at the brown kid who's throwing a bottle in the river. They won't do it because they care more about optics than justice. We jump back into this with Carolla next week. But I just kind of watched this David Attenborough documentary, and he's like, this is what we're doing to ruin the planet. I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Cut to India where they're shitting in the lake. Remember Carlin's bit about the planet's been through worse. The planet's going to be just fine. You think of a plastic bag? By the way, in China, they have so much pollution, they have screens with the sun on it so you know what it looks like. Wow Dude, China is wild Mark goes there with his son when he's on the road There we go He's back China has one time zone Whoa, for the whole It's huge For the whole country They were like, no, no, no, no, no It's noon Wait, noon's really dark for me I know, that's your noon My noon is the middle of the afternoon Damn, that's crazy Isn't that crazy? They're wild. Do you want to hear a deep thought? I got high one time. I called Joe about this. So what if Sober Bird just becomes really political? Oh, my God. I love it. That would be fun. It's a big move in comedy these days. Have you not seen it? The grift, baby. You either got to do crowd work or lean hard right. That's true. Those are big. The grift is coming, baby. A lot of people are leaning in. Very few people do material these days. It's a lot of, like, what will the fans clap at? Yep. Or how can I get them interacting Or how can I victimize myself Yes, I was molested You're like, well where's the bit? Where's the joke? I was just talking to my therapist Yeah, that's why I'm glad Do all the crow you want, we'll be over here telling jokes More for us I write stories, I have no joke People yell shit out for crowd work And I'll do crowd work so I'm a comedian But I'll go, hey guys, that's also not what I do I'm a comedian I write I'm a story guy And so, here's the crazy fucking deep thought. So, Genghis Khan killed like 60 million people. Oh, yeah. Most of the earth. What, 700 years ago. Huh. Right? Is that right? Probably. I mean, do the math. I'm close. I'm close enough that you don't need to Google it. Okay. You can Google. I thought it was less than that, but all right. Okay. 60 million. There you go. 60 million people. 20 to 60. 20 to 60. Let's call it 60 so it's fun. More than Hitler, by the way. Let's do what you guys do with the Holocaust. Let's call it 60 million. Yeah. And then... Mao is up there, too. Mao might be more, but keep going. Just keep it at Genghis Khan. Okay, okay. What, 700 years ago? 1,200, right? Khan! How many... 800. How many Asians do you think there'd be? Oh, he did us a favor. Good point. I never thought of it that way. I never realized they were making up for lost time. Yeah, I guess so. I'm going forward. Thank God for Connie. Holy shit. They would be all Asian. It's like a Terminator movie. They send it back in time. You have to do something about the population. We would have all fucked an Asian chick by now. Like, you would have had to. Oh, man. I went through that phase. We all do. That's much more of a rite of passage than a bar mitzvah. That's true. You've got to go through an Asian phase. Good point. Can you imagine, right, procreating for 700 years, 60 million Asian people, procreating for 700 years. And you've got to remember, those first 300 years, you've got four generations in it. World War II didn't help. Oh, yeah. A lot of... Well, we're killed. Japanese. Yeah, yeah. Right, right, right. Talk about the Civil War. What did they find about? You know, but they were slaves. Do we have to throw in a slur after the nuke, Mark? I mean, come on. The nuke's not enough. Whatever you want to call it. There you go. It's getting better. It's getting better. If we were playing a game called Hot and Cold, I'd go Ice Cold, Ice Cold. Jesus Christ. All right. Bleep that. It also says Genghis Khan had an estimate of 1,000 children. Whoa. Apparently every Asian is related to Genghis Khan. Whoa. Google it. Google it. I got really on a Genghis Khan run. Nice. Yeah. You know he knew Marco Polo? Oh. Really? Could he find him in a pool, though? No, Marco Polo got lost. That's why we played the game. That's the real game. Yeah. Marco Polo got lost, and Genghis Khan and Marco Polo were boys. Like, he hung out with them and, like, wrote a book about them or wrote about them. I swear to God. Whoa. Isn't that crazy? You've got to say, some of us are history, Highness. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, I'm not good enough in history. Correct me. Isn't it crazy to think, what was it, Thomas Jefferson and Napoleon were peers? No. Google it. Doesn't it seem like Napoleon's older? Yeah, that's right. Whoa. He was cooking, dude, for a while. So Louisiana Purchase. Yeah. Louisiana is from King Louis. Yes. Oh, you knew that. I knew that. Well, I'm from there, so we haven't heard all about that. But, you know, Anne Frank and MLK are the same age. How about that? The same age? I don't know if they dated, but... No, they were born the same year. Sorry. She didn't make it to his age, but yeah. Yeah, born the same year. And Barbara Walters. All born the same year. I just want all the podcast fans to know. Barbara Walters, MLK, and... Wait, hold on. Start that over. Start that over. Edit what I just said out and start that over. I want to hear this. Barbara Walters, MLK, and Anne Frank all born the same year. Come on. How about that? What year? What year? I think it's like 26 or something. I'll look it up. She fucking crushed them. Barbara Walters. Yeah. She outlasted the fuck out of those two. Hold on. You're telling me Anne Frank might have looked like Barbara Walters? If there's a lesson to be took from this, don't be political. Yeah. Yeah, right? You're going to live longer, you know? Oh, yeah. Good point. Oh, yeah, good point. Good point. I got a great Anne Frank joke. I got an Anne Frank chunk in my new hour. Me too. Wait, can I? Are they the same? I hope not. I hope not. That would suck. Uh-oh. I'll tell you mine. Edit it out. Sure. Because, guys, I don't put material in podcasts. Let's just do it at dinner, though. Okay, let's just do it at dinner. Wait, wait. Pull up the United flight. They said, oh, because of Ozempic. Yeah. Everyone's losing weight, and they're saving a ton on gasoline. Whoa. Dude, when you meet people that have been on Ozempic or Terra Zeptide, So for the average person, they see it, I think they think Amy Schumer. And they're like, oh, is it vanity or whatever? I don't know, whatever it is. Or for me, they go, oh, okay. But for the average person I'm meeting, like I talk about it on stage because I get a rash on my stomach. And people come up to me like, I lost 70 pounds. And you're like, whoa. I mean, it really is. It's a Band-Aid to a solution the same way Zoloft is a Band-Aid to like mental health problems. It gets you out of the hole. But you've got to hold on to it. That's on you. You've got to do the work. You've got to get a trainer. When you get off it, it's not forever. It's like Zoloft. It gets you out of the thing so you can get into therapy and then hopefully get off Zoloft. Have you ever done that stuff, Zoloft? No. I'm afraid to. Good way to save money, though. If you're eating a ton of food, it's expensive now. Groceries, going out, it's all very expensive. So if you're not eating at all and not drinking at all, you're probably saving a fortune. I tell you what crazy is when people I talked to that are overweight will say what do you think about dot dot dot And I go well it gives you you a low flu The first few weeks Wow I mean I felt physically ill for a solid Were you doing gigs during this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus. And coffee would make me ill. I kept drinking. I had to push a drink. I had to push a drink. Whoa! And I couldn't eat steak, couldn't touch steak. Yeah! I couldn't eat anything I liked. Is there anything food that you craved while you were on it? Pussy. Italian subs. Oh, that's a pretty fat guy. Italian subs were like, for whatever reason, I was like, I'm really into Italian subs. Interesting. I love an Italian sub, man. DeFaro's in Brooklyn just had that in Red Hook. Un-fucking-fuck. Yeah, they're the best. Unreal. Oh, they got like a... Dude, oh my God. But overweight people would say to me, yeah, but I don't want to do that. And they're like, what, feel a little sick and then lose weight? And they're like, yeah, like food's my joy. And you're like, yeah, but that's the problem. Exactly. And you're like, you can't make it your joy. It's got to be fuel. No, I don't disagree. Food should be fun, too. But you can handle it. You can handle it. I can't handle it. I understand. I mean, you've eaten with me. I order, I get like, I go, get me like, what are your five best apps? And then they bring them. Yeah. And then I like to razzle-dazzle it. And I always get two meals because I like to, I don't, I'm going to get a healthy one and then what I want. Right. And then, and drinking is like, you know, I drink whatever I want to drink. I never, I've never had an issue with my drinking. No one's ever told me to stop. So I party my fucking face off. And then I get on a Zen pick, and I go to dinner with Leanne, and I get a martini, and I'm like, ooh, that tasted off. Whoa. And then I was like, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to be that guy. Murder another martini, get a ribeye. I have a little bit of the cap, and I'm like, I'm just done. Damn. And then I go to bed, wake up feeling great, go to the gym, work out. I mean, my first, it's been since November. It's January. I'm down, like, almost 40 pounds. I just had a thought. There's all these people starving in all these third world countries. We should give them Ozempic. They're hungry. Oh. Ah. This is like Kinison's. No, no, no, no, hold on. Well, they'll still die. It's not hunger pangs they have. They're not just like, got them hungry. It's their diet because they don't have food. Well, they'll die comfortably. I know, but it's nutrition. This is Kinison's bit. You need to go where the Ozempic is. You've got to go where the Ozempic is. Why don't we just give them cocaine and then they won't want to eat? That's not bad. And they'll be perked up. They'll reach you for cocaine. Instead of bags of rice, bags of coke. For just $500 a month, you can sponsor a cokehead child in Africa. He'll never shut the fuck up. Guys, have you tried Adderall? It cut my appetite in half. I'm done. I think we got something here. Have you ever done Adderall? Oh, my God. I have some in my apartment. I love it. I do Concerita, but yeah, I love it. It's fun. I live on that shit. You would love it. I know I would. It's a good time. That's what's on the no-fly list. It's campus cocaine, they call it. It's just good. It's easy. That's where I get it. Amphetamines, basically. Really? Yeah, you should. You might get on it now that you've got the clots because you're going to need something. Well, he might not be able to take it. I definitely can't take it. 100% I can't take an amphetamine. Mark, you might want to get on heroin. You should do it. Speed up that blood flow. See if that clock can clear a little quicker. My parents do a baby aspirin. That's their move with a glass of wine, and they're all thinned out. No, yeah. Thanks, Dr. Mark. I'm on that also. Okay. Mark's medical advice might be a good show. You just have people in with real problems. I can't imagine your wife when you're like, baby's got a fever? Put in a cold tub. Oh, yeah. It's on her period now. I keep her outside. Put the wolves at her. I used to have that in a special. Thank God you didn't come to me. Oh, go to the river. Do some laundry. Put a rag up there. What was the baby's first word? Mark, what have you been saying to this kid? Oh, you should make their first word a racial slur. Oh, that would be fun. What you should do. What was his first word? We'll talk later. Can I? Oh, has he already said his first word? No, yeah. Okay, hold on, hold on. Can I tell you a brilliant idea? Yeah. Reach out to a brand now and sell his first word. Whoa. Bluetooth. Just Bluetooth. How fucking funny would that be? That's funny. It's all you've got to do, instead of going mom and daddy, because that's always their first word. Sure. You're like Pepsi. Yeah. Pepsi. The baby just loves Shopify. It's weird. And then the baby goes their first word, hey, hey, hey, oh, look, guess who's talking? Pepsi. That's pretty genius. I'm telling you. That's more of a Whitney move than me. I feel like I can see her doing that. I think her baby already talked. How old's your baby? Her baby definitely talked. That's the mom. Come on. She's gabbing. A year and a week. So he's just hit a year. Dude, sell that first word. I'll buy it. That's not bad. How much? How much? How much? How much? How much? How much? How much? How much? How much? How much? Free Bert. Free Bert. Oh, shut up. That was your first verse? By the way, we found out there's a way to make a poor Osos Bodega Cat cocktail. We got to promote the fuck out of that. Pull it up. For real. There was a whiskey. I mean, you're going to get fucked up off this one. Oh, yeah. It's like a Long Island. We found it out. When you're back and you're ready to come back, we'll do one of the... You'll definitely be back. I know you'll be back. I'm just worried about you. I don't like... Well, yeah. We're getting old. It had to end at some point. Everybody kept saying, Bert. Stop talking like that. You're talking like I hooked up with a dude at camp. It's not over. We can still hang out, man. That could happen. I mean, you're going to have to get a vice. It might be dudes like Charlie Sheen. He flipped over the menu. Did you see the doc? Of course I did. Yeah. He went to dudes. I think Bert's going to be back, dude. It's either dudes or young girls. Wait, hold on. Hold on. Hang on. Am I getting kicked out of the club? No. What if I never drink? I went for a... You're definitely not at a club, dude. I called the girls. I called the girls. I was on the road for like a month. You're on the injury reserve list right now. Yeah, you're on the bench. You'll be back. Yeah. I'm like George Kittle. I blew out my Achilles. You blew your Achilles, but you're going to come back. Yeah. There you go. I'll be back. Yeah, Aaron Rodgers came back. Yeah. He blew out his something, right? Achilles. Yeah. On the first fucking play with the Jets. That was, you can't write the misery of a Jets fan any funnier than that shit. Oh. Right. That was brutal. Yeah. Can I tell you what? So, like, he gave me his number. Aaron Rodgers? When you talk about selling your kids first words, his parents were genius. His name is A-A-R-O-N. Number one in my phone book. Every time I look at my phone book, Aaron Rodgers. Aaron Rodgers. Right. And by the way, do you give someone your phone number if you won't answer their FaceTime? Because I FaceTimed him so many times. Really? Was he on Ayahuasca and all that shit? No, no. Oh, maybe. I don't know. Yeah, you know what? I don't know where he was at the time. Mm-hmm. Yeah. He's an odd dude. I watched his doc. I mean, but hang on Otter than Rogan? No, but I think he's softer than Joe Meaning I think Joe's more of a Joe's more of like a Than an NFL player? Joe could take a lot I think Joe Joe is way less stubborn and rigid Than Aaron Rodgers Yeah, yeah I think Joe is a far more open-minded person Aaron Rodgers Aaron Rodgers, yeah, because he stopped talking to his family. Oh, is that right? Yeah, I think so. I didn't know that. I think they were selling secrets about him. Yeah, I mean, I don't think that's related to all the other shit, though. I think he's probably a complicated guy, but, yeah. I bet he is. I mean, when I met him, he was, like, an open book. Really? I mean, he showed up in our tour bus with wet hair, like, out of the shower, and we had cameras on. Were you with us? I don't think so. I would remember that. We had cameras on. And he was like, yeah. And he just spilled the beans. I mean, like, everything was everyone was wondering what he was going to do and leave the Packers. Yeah. And what was happening with Jordan Love. I mean, he talked like an open book in front of the cameras. And I was like, hey, can we turn the cameras off? And he was like, yeah, sure, turn them off. Whoa. And I think he just knew, you're not going to post this. You're not going to post any of this. He's kind of a conspiracy guy, too. I don't think he would have minded, though. He seems to talk and he wants it to be out there. I don't think he gives a fuck. I wish I didn't give a fuck. Like, I do give a fuck, you know? Like, I care. I wish I didn't. Yeah, but that's going to get you in trouble if you don't care. Uh-oh. That's Aaron Rodgers. Oh, you've got to answer it. Oh, boy. What is that ringer, dude? That's so gentle. Yeah, Boomer. Oh, it's the co-star of my show. Let's see where... Is it Arden? It's Arden. Arden, we're with Mark. Hey, Arden. Okay, we just... Hi. Hi. How are you, Mark? Good. Good to see you. I just saw the billboard. Hey. Here. I'll give you the camera. Oh, shit. Okay, okay. I'm going to turn it around. Okay. I'm going to turn it around. We've got to wait for it because it rotates. Okay, I'm going to wait. We've got to wait for it. It's right. Okay. It's right. It's right. It's right. It's right. It's right. She's beautiful. Okay, wait. She's very nice. She's so great. She's good. Raise your resume. Here we go. Can you see her? Billboards are pretty. I'm so old school. No, I love it. Times Square, baby. I'm showing you the camera. Okay, can you see? I see it. No, I see it, but I don't see the billboard. Okay, it's coming. It's coming. It'll be back. Great podcasting. Flip this out. Okay, wait. It's coming. Just speed this up and just cut right to the billboard. You've got to rotate. It's going to show eight other shows. Kardashians. Oh, well. Marcelo Anthony has a special. Hernandez. You can find Carmelo Anthony and Marcella right there. No, this is just as good. I think the anticipation. Okay, wait, wait, wait. Oh, shit, I'm getting kicked off Wi-Fi. Oh, good move. Okay, okay. Okay, okay. Guys, feel free to Google Bert's billboard if this isn't working for you. Yeah, can we pull it up? I want to find my nephew. Okay. Hey, nephew. I'm in a podcast. Just take a picture and send it to me. Okay, okay. I love you, buddy. Bye-bye. Love you, bye. Congratulations. Okay. Hey, that's a big boy. Oh, can I tell you? It's just one in general. I see. So wait, so wait, can I tell you what's crazy about that billboard? So my special, do you know this story? So my special, Hey Big Boy, came out March 20th, March 17th, 2020. Oh, wow. Stay at home orders are March 13th. So that special performed pretty well. Wow. It was. That's what changed our careers. We had YouTube specials that came out around those. In 2020. Yeah, so. And that billboard went up March 17th. Thanks for Mark Noor. Oh, I took that photo, I think. It was up for like three months. Yeah. Because they didn't change the billboards. Because it was a ghost town. Because it was a ghost town. But you didn't get the foot traffic. And I remember you texted me like, dude, your billboard's still up. That's it. I didn't get any foot traffic. Yeah. Wow. But that was a great time for content. Because people were just consuming the shit out of everything. Can we just celebrate Mark for a second? I was talking about old school Mark, right? Like the push around Mark. Like when you could go, hey, we're drinking, and Mark was so young in comedy, he'd be like, okay, all right. Not saying that it's changed a ton. But when we went to Ireland, that trip to Europe. If I twist his arm, he'll get it. Yeah, pretty easy to push over. That trip to Europe, we got him addicted to Ambien. Yeah, that's right, with man's. Yeah, we got him addicted to Ambien. We drank our faces off. I mean, our faces off. Do you remember that? Yes, there's a photo of me on a plane like this. And you took it. And, I mean, just... We held him down. There's one... And when we were in Ireland, he had a pimple on his back. And we held him down. Oh, there's a video of that somewhere. And we popped it. And he was like, ah, ah, like screaming. That was wild. That was at the Vicar Street. Then we all pull our asses out on stage. Remember that? Oh, yeah. With St. Torres. Cowhead came over. Cowhead, yeah. We told us crazy stories. And then we did... You puked at the airport almost. Remember that? At like 7 a.m. in Copenhagen. You were... Only you saw it. It was bad. It was bad. I was trying to murder a beer. I wasn't that bad. In the middle of the airport bar. I was like, no, hold on. People were recognizing him. I was at the bar. A guy recognized me. Mark's talking to him. And I murder my beer. And I go, oh, it's coming back up. And I go, mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. This guy's got a problem. Mark, do you have a piece of gum? And he goes, and real quick, he goes, I have a toothpick. And I put a toothpick in my mouth. I was like, can I tell you the thing? I don't know. I was saying this to someone. and I was like, so like I've known you guys since you were young. Yeah. I'll say you guys and Gillis, right? You've known us longer for sure. I've known you. Oh, you guys did it. I remember knowing Hartford, Connecticut and I remember being like, I love this guy. Bert, I was selling t-shirts you know, you're trying to make money as a young comic as a feature and Bert put gay porn in my merch bag and I was like, I like this. There's like instant light, this guy. That's great. I get jealous when I see you guys on the road with your openers, and I go, I wish that was me. Yeah. Because it's fun. It's fun to make your crew, right? It's like you guys both toured with me when I was doing theaters and doing arenas and stuff, and you've been on the road with me, and you got to see my path up, and then now you guys are all blowing up, and I really am jealous that I don't get to witness it, that I don't get to be a part of it, and that I don't get to celebrate it with you guys. I remember you FaceTiming me from your tour bus, and you were like, mine's bigger. No. Like, you guys are all going to the garden this weekend for Gillis. I'll go tomorrow. Maybe I'll pop into an after party or something. Like, I can't, like, I'm not, I'm missing all of this. So I feel like, you know, the dudes I, I know we all didn't start together, but the dudes I came up with, all the guys that are blowing up right now, I get really bummed that I don't get to, like, witness it firsthand. Come to New York and hang out, man. And that was the beauty of Fully Loaded. It was like a bus full of like Big J, Soder, Stavros, Santino, Barbosa. I still remember Bobby Lee falling off the top bunk and busting. I was so bummed. I was so pumped to hang with Bobby. Oh, he was bummed. Yeah. I remember everyone just making jokes on the thread, not realizing that he was like in the hospital. Canaan's jumping in like, oh, shit. And then it's like, no, he's in the hospital. Mark made the first joke. What was it? Oh, I don't remember. If you think he had an Asian accent, he sounded Asian before. I remember the word being in there for some reason. I'm sure it's on the comments. Yeah, Fully Loaded was a fucking blast. I can't afford you guys anymore. That's fun. I'll just fucking do that in a second. No, no, no. Because I go through agents, because it's the right thing to do. I don't want to call you guys. I texted you when we were doing the cruise. I did the first cruise. And I texted Mark, and I was like, I don't want to. Your fucking manager demanded an answer the day I was puking into a toilet. And I was like, can you just wait until tomorrow? And she goes, no. and I was like, well, then it's a no. I'm puking. I can't fucking commit to it. I can't argue that. No, you're right. But I wanted to do it. I texted Mark and I was like, I want you to know. I want you on this credit. I don't want offers coming and you think I buy you. I was like, I'm happy for you. But I just can't afford you. And I want you to know that I'm excited that that's your quote. But I can't. That was a very nice text. But it's such a bummer. I wish we did it for charity or something. so like I wish there was a way to do it so it was favorite I wish Lewis ran it so everyone did it for $700 like Jesus Christ Lewis told me I go how do you get so much people out there he goes I don't talk to their agents yeah I don't give them anything no he just texts you homo and then again and again no we did Legion of Skanks on Monday and we got a whole lot well Bert's coming to town but he's not doing any podcast we're like yeah yeah he's not doing any pod yeah he told me to ask you about that he's like he said you couldn't do the pod because it would look bad for the show free Burt. I didn't say that. But we figured that's what it was. Absolutely. Well, they offered me Monday. I flew in Monday. I couldn't get there Monday night. I was doing this and I was doing... I was already booked up. Big J hit me up, what, like, fucking Sunday? And he was like, hey, are you going to be in town to do stuff? We got Monday, we got Tuesday, we got Wednesday, and I was like, or Thursday, but it's all bonfire. Legion of Skanks was Monday. I would have loved to have done Legion of Skanks. I would have been fun of all three of us. Yeah, I would have loved to have done it, but I... By the way, it's also like I am dealing with like subtle health issues and I'm trying to like get my head around. Yeah. So like say, say no to shit if you're not feeling up to it. So we love seeing you, but we also could just fucking hang out. Like if you're not up to shit. I don't want to ever feel like, I don't want anyone to feel like I'm blowing them off. Like Bobby tech, Bobby called me last night and I saw a call from Bobby. Yeah. And I was like, by the way, the hero, Bobby Kelly, you heard this story about him rescuing the fat chick? Yeah. No, I haven't heard that. Was she fat? I don't know. It's when I hear the story. he helped yamanica no he's fucking oh girl was drowning in costa rica and he swam out by the way this is so i love mark he liked the post and he didn't read it i have no idea i know he liked the post and it came up like by mark norman it's a long post by bobby kelly saying he swam out to a steep drop off he heard a girl screaming for her life and he swam out and was like he's like i was a lifeguard back in the day so i knew the training like don't don't pull on me or i'm going to that That actually tracks for Bobby, in my opinion. Totally. And he fucking saved this girl's fucking life. And you know he became a lifeguard just to get pussy. Totally. Oh, yeah. By the way, Ozempic might have saved her life. You're right. No, he got like a surgery. He didn't. Oh, he got lap band. He got lap band. But there he is. Look at that. Whoa. Well, the stereotype. No. That was horrible, Bobby. Wow. Good for you, Bobbo. Dude, he risked it. He could have died. Like, he was that fucking. They say if you're not on a lifeguard, don't try to rescue a drowning person. That's how, what's his name, died from fucking... The O'Hugstable. Yeah. Really? How Malcolm Jamal Warner died. That's how he died? In Costa Rica. Because the waters are so bad there. And Bobby risked his fucking life and saved a girl. Whoa! I'm a very strong swimmer. I bet. However. Yeah. I almost drowned in a triathlon. Jeez. Yeah. I was, dude, I dove in. I'm flying. I mean, I'm looking around and I'm touching the toes of the leader of the race. I'm looking over and people are swimming sideways. And I'm like, I'm number two right now. I was like, I can't believe I'm, I know I'm a good swimmer, but I'm not like that good. I grew up swimming on swim teams, but I'm like, that's not that good. I get to the buoy and I do this move I had seen online because I'd watch a lot of triathlon videos. And it's like where you flip over like this on your stomach and then do the turn. And I was like, fuck it, bang out the turn. I think I'll come in second place. I bang out the turn, and a dude swims over my stomach. And all of a sudden, I slow down, and 100 people swim on top of me. Whoa. And they had said, if you feel like you're drowning, just wave over one of the guys on the paddleboard to rescue you. And my ego wouldn't let me wave them over. Because I was like, hold on. I've been in bad water before, like surfing and stuff. I was like, this is not going to kill me. I can float on my back. And I floated on my back. I floated on a black and then it was a large one it's the opposite of Bobby's story sorry I'm fucking it's alright you guys are doing too many podcasts and he's hungover I'm hungover as shit and so I float I grab this black I get on top of him and then I ride him into shores I told him I was like there's uh there's free what do you call it free willy free willy no but the girl I literally got on my back and like floated caught my breath started swimming in and my daughters were there and like, did you almost drowned? Whoa. And I was like, yeah, I almost did. They're like, we watched it. You almost died. Holy hell. So like, Bobby doing this, clearly he must have been. No, he wrote how scary it was and how her instinct is to like grab him. He's like, you grab me, you'll pull me down and we'll both die. So we had to explain it when he was like a few feet out of a... Okay, okay, hold on. Dude! There we go. That's it. You can't grab me. Okay. Dude! You grab me! We're both going fucking down! Good for Bobby. Let me tell you something, okay, Bert? That's what I always thought, dude. He risked his fucking life. What? Yeah. The top comment was, grab my hand, dude. So what do you do? You just hold her arm and pull her? Like, how do you do it? So you're supposed to flip them on their back and then put your arms underneath their arms and sidekick. Oh, hopefully he didn't touch her hair. Just grab her by the hair. All you see is a video of Bobby just fucking ragdolling some black chick by braids. Get the fuck up here, Dad. Now he's in trouble. God damn it. And you can't really hear another conversation closer to the camera. You're not allowed in the ocean, dude. These are our beaches. Now, how do the daughters feel about the show? It's basically about them. Yeah, they tried to kill it. What? Come on. Get out of here. They're not going to ruin their dad's work? They were pissed about it? Of course they are. Why were they pissed about it? They were like, you can't use our names. They were like that for the movie, and I always thought it hurt the movie. that I couldn't use my daughter's names and Sasha and something else for the movie. And so I was like, no, I'm using your names. I gave you those names. I've talked about it in seven specials. Yeah, right. The cat's out of the bag. And they're like, yeah, but you understand we're real people and people are going to watch this and think we did that. And I was like, it's not real life. It's a fictionalized version of real life. And then they watch the pilot. And there's a scene in the first episode we're at the dinner table where I've kind of fucked up royally. And they watched it, and it's hysterical, and they were like, all right, we're in. And I was like, for real? And I was like, if that's how you portray us, we're fucking lighting you up nonstop. And I was like, yeah, that's how our real family was. All right. And so, yeah, they love it now. I love that. Remember in Louis, he just made his wife black for season two? It's so crazy. For no reason. She was a different woman in season one. He's like, yeah, she's black now. Hey, Prince Prince did it. What's so funny, I wanted to make it. They were both black. That's true. I wanted to make the therapist black, because there's a therapist in this. Spoiler alert. He says, maybe it's your mama. What's the... That's good. The worst joke I've ever made. Love it. I like how d*** it was bad. You're doing your mama jokes. All right, so you got an N-word there. We're really scraping the bottom of the barrel here. Bert, we're sorry. Come on, you got it, Diamond Dallas. keep it coming by the way barbecue restaurant did you ever think maybe I just wore this outfit as a rodeo clown for the comments just go hey look at this fucking asshole I can take the clothes off at Alice Byers Club if he didn't get AIDS so what were we talking about oh your show with the girls oh oh oh oh the black therapist Black therapist. And then they were like, the principal of the school is black. And they're like, and it's seen as I'm with the principal and the therapist. And they go, I think it's too confusing. They're going to think they're married or related. So I was like, all right, let's make them white. Because it was like, you need people to see things in a TV show quickly and identify it. Yes. And I wanted that kid. I think he's gay. He does our specials every week. He's a comic. Josh Johnson. He's not gay. Not gay. Oh. Yeah, I know. I wanted him. He's good. I'll put it up. He comes out with a lot of material. It just doesn't come out, you know? Sam is on fire. God damn it. It's a fucking buzzer. You really fucking drain him into the third quarter. I have to make up for some of these earlier. No, I thought he was gay. But I thought it would be cool to have him as the therapist. I thought from that perspective it would be fun talking to me. but they were like, you know, it's too confusing. Right. He'll be glad to know he missed out on this role due to racism. No, he was offer only. Oh, okay. He was like, I'm not reading for it. Oh, dang. That's cool. Yeah, but I mean, it makes the process a lot quicker. I was like, we're not going to hire you. No one's ever seen you act, so I'm not going to hire you. Like, I wanted him, but he was like, I only do offers, and I was like, that's totally cool. I wanted to read with him. Bird text him, listen, homo. Do the fucking role. I wanted him to do it because I was like, I thought it would be good, but I wanted to read with him and see if our energy was good. I don't know. I've only seen him online. I think he's really funny. Couldn't be nicer. Really smart. Smart. And his energy is a little softer. Yeah. So I thought that perspective versus me. That's good. As a little frat boy. Yeah. But I definitely wanted us to read together. Yeah. It's funny, man. People who do offer only, it's basically a way of just turning it down. I might start doing that because I've auditioned for 9,000 things. I've never gotten one. Don't do offer only. Okay. I'll tell you what. the people who weren't offer only, that are famous, you're like, fuck, bring them in. Oh, really? I can't say it because I'm telling you who didn't get the role. I can only say it about Josh. I think he's a comic. I'm hoping he doesn't. I think he's a cool guy. But like, I'll tell you, there were actresses. Did you send him those flowers and an apology for not a... I think he's great, man. I would love to have had him. I would have fired the other black person to get him. Look at him smiling. But no, but like there, as far as the wife goes, we got the list and the list is like four, five pages long. Yeah. Of actors. Of Leanne. People. Oh, wow. And you get like big fucking names. There were big names that were like, y'all willing to read. I'll tell you, I'll give you the names and then you just leave them out. People need work. Uh fucking uh from fucking Uh obviously Yeah I was like I read with you I was like I fucking read with her How do you not go with her I mean she so hot So you're at a certain and by the way, bleep even point out because it sounds really shitty. Like, be careful with this. Just make it sound like I'm not outing anyone. But like, Josh Johnson's cool. He's a good guy. No, that would have been cool though. She's hot. But yeah, and she's beautiful. and she's wildly talented. And then, like, dude, some of the people were like, you're willing to read? And they're like, yeah, man, I'm an actor. And then some people were like, you would never fucking hire them? And they're like, offer only. And you're like, hard pass. Good to know. Like, the fucking... I'm going to say it. Just believe it. Not the hot one. Her fucking fat friend. I never watched the show. I don't know who that is. That one. Go back. That one. No, go, yeah. Oh, she's... By the way, she's not fat. She's fucking hot. What are you talking about? She's big. Remember, edit around all these fucking names, please. Wait, wait, wait. Have you never seen... Yeah, I don't like her. I don't give a fuck. But have you seen... No. What? Great show. It's one of the best comedies of all time. Even edit the name of that show. This is so dangerous. No, no, but first... Keep it all out. What? Fucking watch that show. I'm not kind of... But, you know, when you go off... That's fine, but you should still fucking watch that show. That's great. It's one of the best shows ever. Real? Yeah. It's fucking brilliant. Even edit her name out. Just bleep all of a switch. Sounds like we're saying the N-word. I know, but dude, you should watch this. I guess next to the ****, somebody looks fat. God damn it. Oh, sorry. Fucking ****, that cunt. Just be careful with this. I don't want to get fucking sued. This is fascinating. Keep them coming. It was, you know what's really crazy? So the guy who plays Landon His name's Chris Wittasaki Wittasaki I'm sure I'm saying it wrong He's the guy in the progressive commercials where they're like Are you turning into your dad? He's hysterical You'll recognize him in a second Alright, so what about him? Just type in Chris Wittasaki Oh, his father was Saki, Saki $5 Just type in Free Bird I'm slipping Wait, what did you say? You got it right there. That was a bit in. Some Jeff. Official commercial to the right. To the right. Bottom to the right. Bottom to the right. To the right. To the right. To the right. To the right. That's it. That's it. This fella. Nope, that's not it. Go back. That's it. This guy. Yep, yep, yep. So the guy who was supposed to play his role in the pilot bailed at the last minute. And he was like, yeah, I got something else. I got a paid gig. and this guy showed up as a favor to a friend. He was like, yeah, I'll do it. Scale, whatever. It's a few lines. So he comes in, does it, and then the show gets picked up. And then we have to think of a plot for the show because I didn't want it to be episodic. I didn't want every episode to be solved. The Christy family needs a birthday cake. Oh, they get a new dog. I start watching those and I just go, I watch three and I go, I'm done. I got it. It has to be wildly hysterical like Flyers or Tires. Or Tires. Great show. You should have seen. Well, no. That was episodic back then. It made sense because it was once a week. But when you air six. I get it. No, no, no. When you do six, if you give me like ten episodes of episodic, I'm not going to watch all ten. But if you give me Black Doves, have you seen that? No. Have you seen Slow Horses? No. I love Slow Horses. So in the end of the first episode of Slow Horses, did you not look around the room and go, I'm watching fucking all of these. So I said to Netflix when I pitched a show, I said I want it to be like Slow Horses and Black Doves. I want it where you watch the first episode. At the end of the first episode, the very last words that come out of my mouth, you say I'm into this character and I want to follow his journey. So I want you to binge all six. So it's a story arc through the six. He's the only guy who farts more than Norman on fucking camera. Really? Gary Oldman. Oh, really? I'm watching that. He's the best. through it. That's... Slow Horses and Black Doves are fucking incredible. I gotta watch Black Doves. Slow Horses is phenomenal. Slow Horses might be I mean, the best series I've ever seen. It's a great spy show, but it's also funny as shit. And what it does, Mark, and this is what I attempted to do, and I think if you watch the first episode, the last words out of my mouth, you're absolutely gonna go, I'm watching episode two. Okay. I'll check it out. Because that's... We're gonna check it out anyway. I wanted it to be an arc. So we do the pilot, right? We have kind of the pilot locked in. And then we go, well, what's the arc of the story? What's the six-episode arc? And we came up with this plot of a story that I had a friend that I knew a guy who had it happen in his family. And so I made that the plot line. And in doing that, this character from episode one that was just doing a favor became very integral to the plot. So this guy, Chris, shows up to Atlanta to shoot what he thinks is probably a couple days, like clean up the pilot. And he's in every fucking episode. And he's like, he gets started. We're like, have you read the script? And he was like, no, why? I was like, you should. And then he like comes over to my room. He's like, dude, I'm in every episode. And we're like, oh yeah, you're in every episode. It changes everything. And he's like, holy shit. So like all of a sudden this story that was supposed to be about his family became this bigger story about the school and about the girls and about kids. I had to lean into wild favors. I got Pac-Man Jones and T-Pain. I had Payne go. I was like, dude, can we use your house to shoot? And he was like, yeah. So we shoot at T-Pain's house. But yeah, I wanted it to be like Slow Horses or Black Doves so that by the end of the first episode, it carries through. Wow. Now, let me ask you, because we've pitched a million. He had a show with Brian Cox that didn't go. Well, we're working on finance. Oh, sorry. No, I think I could still go. It's just fucking been two years. I got fucking Brian Cox, and we're like, he loves it. Doesn't matter. It's crazy, right? Give us the pitch. In the room. I mean, you already have a relationship with Netflix, but did you have to really sell it, razzle-dazzle, make it work, shirtless, something? So initially what I said, I went in, it was a bigger team at the time, a little bit of a different team. And like I said, I want to say it was like two years ago. It was a while ago. These things take forever. Forever! And I said, I brought Leanne with me. Oh, dead weight. Oh, you have no idea. Oh, yeah. Because if I... Leanna is so married to the fucking truth. Yeah. That if I tell a little bit of an exaggeration, she goes, that's not what happened. And I go, fucking stop it. Shut up. We're in a fucking pitch meeting. Yes. We're trying to sell a fucking project, okay? Come on, you yappy boy. I don't sound like that. And so... Oh. But she's... But it ends up working. Uh-huh. Because they think it's hysterical. And what they're witnessing is the relationship of the wife. I didn't realize that. Right. So I told them we had just binged. And people lose their mind when she comes out on stage. They love her. They love it. People like her more than they like me, and they barely fucking know her. Right. She's awesome. I love Liam. She is awesome. And so... Huge or. That's an old comeback. Real quick, when I was on the hospital bed, and clearly I'm diagnosed with blood clots and lungs, but they're like, you're going to be fine. She starts giggling, and I go, what? And she goes, baby, I'm going to be in this hospital one day, and you'll be dying. and I cannot fucking imagine what a nightmare you're going to be then. I was like, oh, that's true. She's going to be with me the day I'm done with her. Yeah, you're right. One day I'll be in there and it won't be funny. And she'll be like, this is going to be a long fucking day. Anyway, so we go into Netflix. We go into Netflix. I bring Leanne. And we had just binged Slow Horses and we had just started Black Doves. And at the end of the episode, the first episode of Black Doves, I realized what these series were doing was they were hooking me in the first episode. And I was like, I want to do a show about my family. And they're like, we'd love to. I said, I want to do a show about the period of my life, 2016, when I kind of lost everything. And I got fired from Travel Channel. I didn't have any money coming in. I got kicked off the Funny or Die tour. All of that was the impetus for my career trajectory because all those things were my driving factors to get me to the next level. It's like, fuck Funny or Die doesn't want me on Oddball? I'll create my own festival. You guys don't want to book me at your club? I'll sell my own tickets. You want to, like, everything was like, fuck this, I'll do it my own way. You want to kick me off Travel Channel? I'll start my podcast. I'll lean into it. I'll get my own ad sales. I'll make more than I made at Travel Channel. And so these were all those moments. But there was a tremendous identity crisis that happened at the, in, like, from November, probably September, October, November, and December until things kicked up January 8th, right? January 8th, my life started changing. Last year. 2016. Oh, oh, geez. And so I said, it's all about this. And I said, but I go, I need you to think of that. I want to watch this trajectory of this man from his lowest where he's lost and confused. And then he finds himself, but he fucks up the whole way, loses himself, and then rediscovers himself. And I go, but I want it to be like Black Doves. And they're like, what? And I go, I want it to be like Black Doves. I want it to be like Slow Horses. I don't want to do episodic where it's like a sitcom about the Chrysler family. I go, I want it to be a serious story. I want it to be kind of like crazy. I want it to have heart. I want it to be like funny as fuck. But I want it to be this man's journey. I want the first episode you go, look at your wife, and you go, I'm watching the whole fucking series. Yeah. And at the time, they weren't doing that. They were doing like Leanne Morgan's show and tires, which is all episodic. And so I was like, and they hadn't really thought of like a comedy that way. I know they didn't because they said to me at the premiere, Andy Wheel came up, and he was like, you know when you pitch this show you pitch me black doves and i thought you're out of your fucking mind and he goes i just watched the first episode with this room and he goes everyone was going like dude they're playing another one right oh and he goes we made what you wanted to make i love the idea i think you lost your mind you're like dude it's my family but mind hunter and like what yeah but you have to like you know the one thing i learned in like losing everything in 2016 and having nothing and being terrified of what my career is going to be. I did Oxnard Levity Live. I got paid $25,000, and I was like, nice, for New Year's Eve. Maybe 250 people showed up throughout the weekend. They lost so much money that I remember driving back to L.A. going, I'm fucked. This year is going to be bad. It's going to be really bad. People are going to lose money on me, and I'm going back to fucking $1,500 a week. I don't remember. We worked together 2016, 2017. I don't remember. In 2016, I got fired from Travel Channel. Tom was fat shaming me. My special did not perform on Showtime at all. Oh, Showtime. Yeah, and I got kicked off Funny or Die because they just tried to save money. Damn. And they were like, just get rid of him. I didn't have a hotel or flight or anything. I was getting paid $2,000 a weekend to host for Funny or Die for Oddball. And I was like, I'm fucked. I remember I would do a club and no one would show up. And I was like, I'm fucked. I'm fucked. And then two really big things happened. The machine story went viral, and Tom and I did the fat shaming, and we weighed in on Rogan. And when I weighed in on Rogan, I started noticing in trends that they were spiking. And I was like, whoa. And then I started tracking other people's spike, and then I discovered a show called Hot Ones, reached out to that host, and I was like, dude, I'd love to do your show. And then Sean hit me up, and he's like, we're letting comedians come on. I did Hot Ones in 2017 Whoa But I started really taking control of my career Sober October was it Sober October was the following year There you go That was huge But it was like when you really It was like when you really just want to take charge of things And so that's what I wanted the series to be about It was about a guy getting back Losing himself Like that losing yourself is so important It's terrifying I remember I've said this before but I'll say it again I don't think you've heard it when I got kicked off Oddball, they didn't call. It was just like a fucking email. And that's, for people that don't know, it was a big comedy festival. It was like the stamp of approval. I don't know if people know what it is. No, I think you're right. It was big in the moment. It was like Hannibal, Schumer, Aziz. It was private everywhere. Yeah. It was like Louis, Dane, fucking Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle. It was huge. Kevin Hart. It was everyone. And then I got put on, and they're like, yo, we got you on Oddball. And, you know, things like that for us, like Montreal or Aspen or Oddball, just the offer is like, oh. Yeah, I'm in the mix. It feels good. And it was $2,000 a week for the weekend. No hotel, no flight. But I'm like, yo, I'm on Oddball, right? And I remember I got kicked off, and I called Tom, and I said, dude, I'm not doing Oddball. And he was like, wow, yeah, they're pulling dates. He's like, you got to get your money anyway. I was like, what? And he goes, they pulled some of my dates, but I'm going to get paid for it. Fuck them. And I was like, really? And he goes, dude, that's too much money. And I went, that's $2,000. And he goes, you're getting paid $2,000 a show? I said, no, a week. And he goes, whoa. And I said, wait, what are you getting paid? And by the way, this is, you know, 2016. This is a long time ago with me and Tom. And he's like, I don't know if I want to tell you. Oh, God. And I was like, wait, what are you getting paid? And he's like, well, I don't want it to fuck up our friendship. Oh, boy. I go, are you getting more than $2,000 a week? And he goes, substantially. And so I sat there, and I said, hold on one second. And I literally sat, and I thought, okay, I want my friend to succeed, obviously. Obviously, I do. I've always wanted my friends to succeed. I want to succeed, too, but I'm not going to be mad if someone blows up. I go, okay. So in my head, I go, what number am I cool with him receiving? And I was like, all right. $2,200. I said, I said, I said, like $20,000 a weekend, maybe $15,000 a weekend, $15,000 a weekend. Okay. I go, dude, I love you, and I want you to succeed. And I knew he wanted to buy a house. And I go, how much money are you getting paid? And he goes, $20,000. And I went, okay, that's not bad. And he goes, a show. And I went, whoo! He had that hot Netflix special back in the day. Wild. Yeah. Wild. I mean, all his specials have been fucking incredible. But he was, it was at that moment that I realized where I was in this business, like where my footing was, what my respect level was. I remember we did, you were at a fully loaded Forest Hills, right? Yeah. And we did Forest Loaded Fully Hills, whatever, you know what I mean. Yeah. And he's not drinking. It was a crazy show. It was a wild show. The lineup was insane. It was Gillis. We went swimming after. Yeah. It was awesome. That's when we found out Gillis is part manatee. That guy. He can hold his breath forever. He's like Michael Phelps, but fat. Crazy. Dude, he should have been in Bobby's position. Yeah, smooth. He could have rescued McCusker's whole family. If it was an Asian girl, it could have really got some goodwill back. Yeah, no joke on the black chick joke, huh? Okay, no post-tap. Oh, I didn't hear it. I missed it. Sorry. I guess Mark tells him and doesn't listen to him. I had an Asian joke. We had so much racism going on. Say it again. Don't worry about McCookie. Pull it back up. Anyway, anyway. Sorry. You get done, and there's reps there from all the big, you know, it's New York, so AEG, everyone's out there. Everyone's out there to come, you know, see what happens. It's a big venue. It's an iconic venue. The lineup is fucking sick. Gillis, Nikki Glaser, me, you, Stavi. I mean, it's a crazy fucking lineup. Stavi, not a great swimmer. Sank like a stone. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. The Greeks. So someone at one of the companies goes, this is incredible, man. Congratulations. And I was like, thanks. And they're like, no, no, no, you sold out Forest Hills. Like, what? They're like, what made you want to do this? And I looked. You know when you just say things and you don't mean it? But you don't. You mean it, but you didn't think about it. And I go, no one would ever invite me to do this. And they're like, what? I go, I put this on because no one would ever invite me to do this. I never got invited to do this, so I made my own. And they were like, oh. You're like the girl that people didn't know was hot. I guess. You're in high school. You're like, you know, her. And then you're like, no, I had to, like, figure it out. Oh, dude, there are some... Was that a bad... No, no, no, that's a great analogy. You're more the fat chick who's funny. I like Sam's better. Okay, okay, okay. No, but you know the girl... I think Bert's a hot lady, dude. You know the girl you work with at a restaurant, and then all of a sudden you're like, I'm not into her, and then you kind of catch side tit, and you're like, she's got amazing tits. Yeah. And then you see her ankles, and you're like, dude, she's fucking... And then she smokes meat after work. And then you see she's got a dick, and you're like, I'm still into her, don't give a shit. What about DeRosa? But yeah, I think my whole fucking, my whole energy has always been push a rock uphill. Damn, I didn't know this because we worked together in Ireland and you were selling out stuff. So I was like, oh, this guy's cooking. That was 2018 probably. Well, shit changes quickly. It was definitely 2018. Well, I mean, look, now you're doing arenas. You got the specials. You got a fucking, Free Bert is on Netflix. Yeah. Watch Free Bert now. I can't wait to see it. It's the greatest night of my life. Go see. Look at that. Look at that. What the hell was that? And go see Bert on the road. But, Bert, where are you going to be on the road? I'm at the Beacon Theater April 23rd, 24th, and 25th. The best. Oh, dude, what a room. I'm definitely going to catch one of those. When you die in a week, I mean, this is going to be quite a flashing before your eyes. You're going to see so much cool shit. I'll tell you, man, when light flashes before your eyes, when you sit there. If he was drunk, he would have giggled at that. No, no, no. That was a very serious. It just happened. It just happened where I was sitting there, and I was like, and you go, Dude, I've lived a fucking crazy... No one expected this to happen to me. Right. No, you work hard. No, no, no. When I was... Like, if you met me in college... Oh, I see. You'd be like, he's invincible. You'd be like, no, that guy? That guy fucking didn't do... He didn't study. He never went to class. Right. He just fucking smoked weed. Took his shirt off. Fucking dicked around. Didn't do shit. But you were Van Wilder. Yeah. And so, and now here I am. And here you are. Sober. Leather pants. Career's over. TV show. TV show. I'm leaning into the TV show. By the way, please, I'll do a stand-up pose. When we post the picture of the three of us, just have fun in the comments. Yeah. Oh, you know they will. Oh, yeah. Leather pants, boots, and that shirt. Plug some other shit, man. I got, I'm at Tampa. I'm in Tampa at the Benchmark Arena. Hometown boy makes good. I'm in Duluth. I'm in the Sanger Theater in Pensacola. Oh, that's a change. Another show at the Sanger Theater in Pensacola. Albany, Boston, Massachusetts. We're doing a run of shows at the Wang. That's a great room. Yeah. Yeah, I got Daytona Beach. Oh, oh, fully. Oh, my God. Full throttle. What's this? Teamed up with NASCAR to put on the party the night before the Daytona 500. Me, Diplo, Ernest, and Leonard Skinner. Ernest? Who's Ernest? Can I tell you a great... Goes to camp? No, you don't know Ernest? No. Ernest P. Worrell? So there's a group of... So in Nashville, the writing's very big. Like the writing community. So these great writers will all sit around, and they'll write an album for like Morgan Wallen. And then Morgan Wallen will play those songs, and then have a hit tour, hit album, and all those artists make money off. It's like if a comic, a big comic, brought four comics to sit in the back and help write his act. And then he said, once this act goes out on Netflix, we're all going to get a cut of the Netflix money. Right? That's what they do. And Ernest is, if not, one of the top songwriters in all of Nashville. And he is one of the funniest guys in the world. Like, quickest, funniest, just an amazing fucking talent, but best hang. Dude, you guys need to... Why are you still looking up Ernest goes to fucking jail after he said it wasn't... You guys should go to Nashville to do a run of they might be drunk, we might be drunk, and whatever it is, they might be giants. And you should do a run and hang out with some of these Nashville guys. They are the fucking best. Okay. So this is the story we'll end on. I'll try to tell a funny story because I know that's what podcasts want. Diplo, Ernest, yourself. Yeah, so we're getting ready to close a deal with NASCAR. Okay. Go to the Daytona 600. You know, we'd love to partner, dot, dot, dot. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's a little beyond your best behavior. So we're leaving. And all I've got to do is get in the car and go home. Done deal. We're going to partner. Leonard Skinner. It's going to be huge. Diplo's closing out with ADM. What's EDR? EDM. EDM. EDM. Redneck EDM. It's going to be fucking wild. All I've got to do is get in the elevator and get the fuck out. Yeah. Walk down the hall, and there's like a fucking 13-year-old boy comes out of this room with his mom. And he sees me, and he goes, oh, the machine. And I'm like, what's up, dude? And everyone's like, oh, cool, recognize you. And he goes, dude, can I get a picture? And I go, yeah, sure, of course. And he's like, can you take the shirt off? I was like, yeah, I'll take the shirt off. So I take my shirt off. I got like nine people behind me. You've got the same story with a 13-year-old boy. Put my arm around him. I got my arm around this child, and then his mom is like my age. He gives his mom his camera, and his mom's like, who are you? Oh, boy. And I just look at him like, oh, I'm a gay porn star. Yeah. And this kid looks at me in the perfect timing and goes, real fucking cool, dude. You know there's no way that kid's going to convince his mom that he's a fan of a 53-year-old comedian who performs shirtless and is named The Machine. There's no putting that toothpaste back in the tube. I told that on Seth Meyers tonight, everybody. Hey, enjoy the show. Listen, I can't wait to talk to you guys when the cameras are off. Can't wait. Come to my special in Tampa, please. Just one show left. Tampa, February 26th. February 26th? Yeah. Let's do a promo on my phone. We'll post it on Instagram. I love it, dude. You are, listen, you guys are, I want to talk to you guys about comedy because I'm reading a book right now about storytelling because I feel like for this next special, probably my last special, there's no reason to do a special anymore. What are we doing? When I did Secret Time, there was maybe, maybe 100 specials released that year, right? You could stand out. What do you think? Like 20,000 this year? I mean, YouTube alone. YouTube alone, every week. I mean, there's two a week on Netflix. This is my last one for a while. Tom's came out on Netflix along with Dave Chappelle, Ricky Gervais, and Marcel. I mean, it was like the whole week with specials. Wow. So, like, you look at it and you go, I look at this and I'm going to do it in 2027. So I've got to build up time. I'm going to work on it. But I started reading a book about storytelling. And I was like, yo, there's, like, seven story arcs. There's seven types of stories you can tell, right? Like Jaws, Forrest Gump. Like, there's all stories. And the only movie to ever have all seven story arcs in it is Lord of the Rings. It's the only book, right? Is that right? Yeah, it's the only movie to have all seven story arcs. It's really seven basic stories is what it's called. It's what I'm reading. So I was like, yo, I should really challenge myself as a storyteller and try to like incorporate as many different types of stories in this as short or as quick as I can. But I was like, that's the thing with joke writing is like, I was like, what, when you write, are you guys always trying to write the perfect joke or perfect the joke? Perfect the joke. So take your joke to work hard. Honing it. Honing that joke. That joke. So everything for you, because I was thinking about this, I'm trying to build a log cabin where you guys are just whittling and going, that's the perfect log cabin like this. Yes, a lot of whittling. Right? Yeah, for sure. Although I've got to get that storytelling book to my wife because she stinks. But, yeah, I like that. That's good. But like I said to myself, I'll do this special in 2027. And then I go, I'm going to take a break. Take some time off, dude. You deserve it. And so I'm going to really work on this one and try to make it, like, stand out. Crazy pants, jacked, shredded. Yeah. Shredded. The thumbnail alone. Spray tan. We've got to wrap this up, Bert, because we've got a dinner ready. Let's go dinner. Where you're going to have two bites of fish, and Mark and I are going to feast. Oh, yeah. I'll eat the rest of yours. I love you guys. We love you, dude. Congrats on everything, and it's so good to see you. Thank you, guys. Don't die. Sunday's the day for my next vendor. A bit of fever wreck, you know the beer tune's close I've had a little too much bourbon And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true