Indian Food & Foot Disease

And now, The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly. Oscar Award winners. 3-6 Mafia. We just walked by them in the hallway. Yeah. 3-6 Mafia. Out in the park. And Wu-Tang. Not the. But a 3-6 Mafia was out there. And a Wu-Tang. And the Fetty Wap. The Fetty Wap is why everyone's here. And I will tell you this. I'll tell you what else is out in that lobby. Fetty Wap and enough horse hair to circle the Earth at the equator twice. I'll just say. Horse hair for the weaves. Oh, okay. Damn, dude. No one here understands black culture. I do. Nobody. Except for you and... Oh, that's it. What are you talking about? I have a black girlfriend. She's not full. You're right. She told me to tell you she's half Indian. I told you. You didn't know that? I want a fucking apology from you. I didn't think it was important to say it. I knew it, but I just didn't want to offer it up to you. But you attacked me like I was fucking outrageous for saying it. And I apologize because I got defensive. You already knew she was half Indian? Yeah, I knew that. So you lied to me and attacked me at the same time? I'm sorry if I attacked you. Let me turn more Jewish. You lied to me and attacked me at the same time? How dare you with all we're going through right now in the world? Heavens to Betsy. How dare you? My heavens. Jacob, jump in whenever you feel the need. That's crazy. He was saying it complimentary from the get-go. Yes. You took it as a, oh, do you come from a long line of like, this is America and you don't fucking trust Indians? So it makes you sick. It's not that kind of- You're sleeping with the enemy? It's not that kind of- You're dancing with wolves? It's not dancing with wolves, Indian. It's dot in the middle of the forehead, Indian. Oh, it's not- Oh, the smellier ones. See? See? This is why black is better. They're not- Whoa. Wow. How dare you say they don't smell? No, it's okay to say that. How dare you say that? I don't see race. Yeah, you do. You see it and you attack it. You try to date it. You see it when your milky white penis disappears into that sweet brown skin. Yeah, that's right. You love lying in bed naked and looking over and seeing nothing. And right down. You can't even believe how pale you are. You get jealous sometimes and think she's fucking a ghost and don't realize it's your own pale penis. Yeah. Such a contrast, I can't believe it. Oh, it really is. Yeah. Oh, man, that's got to be so fun to look at. It is. It's great. Yeah. Nothing worse than two pasty people fucking, and it just looks like everyone's sore. Everyone's getting red. Yeah, they all blotchy. Everyone's getting blotch on their fucking bodies. Yeah, they all have that red shit on their chest. And everywhere everyone is grabbed has a fucking handprint on it. They bruise easy. Does she bruise you? No, she's very dainty. Wow, I can't believe that I was complimenting her and you took it as an insult and you lied to my face. Because what? Jay said at another time that she wasn't even American, so that's where I was coming from. I'm like, she's black American. I thought she was a British Chinese chick. Yeah, she's British Chinese. Now you're turning Jacob on. Jacob would love a British Chinese. Hello. A Chinese lady who likes a gentleman. Yeah, a lady with an accent that bows. Yeah, I got to say, your silk robe game is underappreciated in Astoria, Queens. You have the clothing of a castle dweller. Even though that's the only place you can get those silk robes is at Queens Boulevard. They're for drag queens. Oh, that is good, good stuff. Well, tell her I said hi and thank you for being honest. and she's a beautiful Indian slash black woman. Tell her I said, thank you, come again. She'll know what it means. Thank you. Tell her I say, have a nice day, my friend. She'll understand. Start and end every sentence with my friend. She'll get where you're coming from. She acts more black than she does Indian. What? My friend, we should go see New Edition, my friend. Nothing about her is Indian as well. What do you mean she acts more black? What does that mean? She's black culture. What does that mean? She took me to a new audition concert, for Christ's sake. Okay, what else? Taking a couple snake charming classes? That's Indian, buddy. That's Indian. She doesn't cook with curry. She doesn't do any of that shit. You guys drink out of puddles? That's Indian. Yeah. Oh, my God. She just bought a special straw for the end of the world where you can sip out of puddles. I got two of them. You got it? Yeah, it's the life straw. It's called the life straw. Of course you do. That's bad shit. You know what it is. Yeah, I know exactly what it is. I think filter straw is a good idea. I have two of them. One for me, one for Max. Fuck Dawn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking uptight bitch. You don't want to drink out of a puddle? She laughed at you when you were going to order it. That's right. Now she doesn't get to fucking drink water. She literally said, we don't need it. Well, we'll find out when the end of the world comes. An old thirsty lips over there. Yeah. With chapped lips. Yeah, chapped lips. Honey. Body shutting off from dehydration. Bobby, can I please get a sip of your straw? Nope. Sorry. Last laugh. No, go drink out of that turtle pond. He who laughs last. Lou, how did that match come about? I mean, who was the dad? Her dad was Indian? Yeah, her dad was Indian and her mom was black. And they made it a beeper store where she was yelling at him over the counter. Fucking beeper. Holy shit. We made it a fucking beeper depot. I come here because I can't get credit. I'm sorry, miss. You need to do the thing. How about I do a little something for you? How about I let you bust a baby up beside me? Oh, okay. Okay, perhaps I could put a baby inside of you. She wanted me to correct you guys, and this is what she gets. Now, let me ask you a question. Does her parents approve of you? They're both passed on to whatever gods they believe in. Two separate ones, for sure. One has seven hands, and the other one is Jesus Christ. Yeah, the other one's got cornrows. It's a black Jesus. Yeah, yeah, hair of wool. To answer your question, I don't have to deal with the parents. So thank God you don't have to go to India. That would suck. Can you imagine Lou in India? Oh, God. Oh, man. Have you seen the Indian street food people? Oh, God. All the cars are just Suzuki Jeeps with no tops on them? Dude, Indian street food is the grossest shit I've ever seen. She took me to an Indian- Indian inside food. Yeah, she took me to an Indian restaurant, and I didn't make it home without having to shit. Of course. No, that's not the- Get the one with the guy. he's in like literally just a door. Yeah, there you go. That one. What is that? Disgusting. Oh, they use their feet. Yeah, foot bananas. Foot bananas. And then they flop it in and then they spring, but they put like 7,000 things on one thing. Booger soup. Look at the flies. Flies are everywhere. Fly potatoes. Yeah, there you go. That's not real. I mean, this isn't real. Some of it is. That one's not. That's enough. That's not. The guy actually took an egg out of his balls and smashed it on the guy's hair. One of his balls' eggs. That guy's real. That's 100% real. They're just catching a guy scratching himself. Scratching his asshole deep. Yeah, but they're making it where it's like a guy blows a snot rocket as part of the seasoning. That's not real. That's real. That's 100% real. It's called an Indian snot rocket sandwich. All right, this guy's cutting up a pepper. He's putting it in a thing. He's cracking an egg. Hang on. What is this thing? It keeps going by my ear. You guys hear that? Yeah. Do you see this thing? I don't know what this is. Is this fucking burnt pot eggs? I don't know what it is. It's just an omelet. It's just a bad omelet. Oh, and then he's just slicing up a piece of bread, cutting all the crust off. Okay. Get some of that crust off. I'll be honest with you. So far, I'm not against this meal. I'm just against his hands in the meal. I think he's making chai French toast. There's no way he washed his hands. Oh, he's touching everything. Oh, so much. Now he's just putting a newspaper on it from like 1972. And he's chopping it up. He's throwing a little bit of the schmutz on it. The hot stuff. He's throwing the shibutz. And then he just gives to a guy. And there you go. Instant diarrhea. That's the best thing that they've possibly done so far. Go to a gross one. I see the other one. Okay, here you go. This guy right here is real. Okay, there you go. Just scooping it out of a thing. Yeah, into a fucking leaf. It's disgusting. Yeah, but look at the ground he's on. Yeah. it's gross absolutely but they will say the heat that they're cooking it over will burn off all the disgusting Indian shit yeah most of the bacteria will burn off all the disgusting gnarly Indian bullshit will just come off oh this guy's gonna eat it yuck and I can say that because one of my best friends is fucking an Indian that's right I can say that too yeah one of my close friends is fucking an Indian one of my inner circle is fucking an Indian yeah oh yeah Thank you. Thank you, Lou. That's why he's in a circle. You did the ceremony where you guys, whoever lets go of each other's wiener first is gay. Yeah, it's called the elephant. Yeah, it's called the elephant. Whoever lets go first is gay because once you let go, there's just a guy holding your dick. We were both gay, by the way. You both let go at the same time. And then we kissed, which made it really gay. Remember that, Lou? Remember when we made out? This guy's too American to be eating whatever he's eating. There's another one where I see where it was just rats walking around. The guy's just cooking. He's making these sandwiches, but there's like 700 ingredients, and it just keeps going back to this sloppy sauce, and there's just rats all around him in the background. How about the strangely cute Indian chick who makes things out in a field with a gigantic fucking walk, and she just makes things in that. I didn't see her. She's great. How about the guy that throws shit on people's shoes, and the other guy walks up and goes, hey, you got shit on your shoes. There's a guy over there that cleans shit off of people's shoes. And then he goes over and gets his shoes cleaned by the shit shoe guy. But they all work as a team. I swear to God. Guy walks around with shit in a cup and flicks it on people's shoes. Nice. And then another guy goes, yeah, you got shit on your shoe. And then the other guy cleans it. Then they take the shit, throw it in the soup. I was thinking of a little bit. Oh, there you go. A little wrap potato pie. Oh, God. They're in the fucking, the dish. Yes, dude. What? That way the shit's fresh. Right. True that. You don't want old, dry fucking rat doogies. You want fucking fresh wetties. The old dry one is the one that gets you sick. The fresh ones. Christine, look up girl cooking giant wok. Rat shit is like a probiotic, a natural probiotic. Am I correct? I think. I think so. Doesn't Rogan use that? He said it supports gut health. This is your girlfriend's heritage. She's smoking hot. I'm okay with it. Yeah, this is my chick. Yeah, it's funny. A fucking cobra is going to bite her from the back, though. She makes me happy with the things she makes. Yeah, this is nice and clean, though. I'm attracted to her. Of course you are. You're attracted to Lose Girls, what you're saying. Go to another one of these. There's always just an attractive chick cooking in a fucking field with a gigantic pot. Yeah. She's great. Nice vagina. That's the only one of those in all of India. The pot. The only clean cooking. She's deep frying bananas, skin on. Jacob, what's she going to do? Ooh. I'll tell you what, though, and I mean this. Her pussy hair goes down her inner thighs. I don't think so. I think so. I think she's camera ready. She's an influencer. No, they do their faces up for sure. They're green bananas, though. They're not even ripe. Let her finish. Sorry. God, you hate other cultures. I love other cultures. Now you have to clean them with dish soap. Oh, God. What? This is gross. No, this is the way it goes. Look, she's being cleaner than anything we've seen before. She's not making foot bananas. Remember foot bananas from the place you wanted to go? I do like a nice foot banana. A little foot mash banana? Oh, I love when a little flake from the toenail comes off in it. Dude, we should both tell our kids, Bobby, that when they were younger that we, it's like, yeah, how do you think we mashed up your food, like for the baby food? With our feet. No, we didn't want to buy the jarred stuff that has preservatives and stuff in it, so we just wanted to make it ourselves. So that what they tell you to do They tell you mush it with your foot It good for the baby It good for the baby They say oh look at this Now she shaving fucking deep fried bananas This is the one that takes forever to get to the thin Yeah, really. And it's never worth it. Here's what I'm talking about. When he just comes out here and just throws some shit in fucking oil. She throws egg in hot oil and cooks it immediately. And then she fucking swaps it around. suck a dick gordon ramsay these are the best eggs i've ever seen yeah all right well they turned they turned the shit yeah okay hang on you guys getting that you guys catching that no what is it you guys aren't getting that what's wrong i know it's what's wrong see it i can get it if it hold on what's happening go back to disgusting indian food yeah yeah go back to the majority did you happen to peek and see if new episodes of comics unleashed you're up i did and when I googled it it says that they're on Paramount Plus but then when I try to find it on Paramount Plus nothing shows up and nothing shows up on Disney Plus either. No, I would say look on Hulu. Well, I was on Disney Plus which is the same. CBS, sure. And it was on that? It's not on any streaming. Hard to find. But it says if you say like where can I find it if you google that it says it's streaming on Paramount Plus. Go back to Paramount Plus again. Comics. unleashed search nope I've been Byron Allen I did that I think he buys that time on the channel he does I think he just buys that hour on the channel he'll take the money for some and he doesn't but he doesn't allow them to use it on their platform like he owns that hour and owns all the commercials go to actual Hulu we should know I feel like it might be different we should save a Half a million dollars and buy an hour of TV time on CBS late night and let's do a show called comics leashed. Yeah Yeah, where it's the same show, but everyone's on a leash So they can't stand up like Bobby so they don't look back on their career every time I try to stand up you pull me down Can you imagine if I'm in the middle of that you went because he fucking got yanked back and you're like leashed Comics this comes just been leashed. Oh my fucking Christ Hulu is a problem here, but Disney Plus, like, in Access, and it's like Hulu's one of the options. So I don't think it would show up differently, because this is Hulu right here. Yeah. Well, we're trying to... We've watched Comics Unleash, the old one. Now there's the new one, and we're trying to find out if they've changed the show at all for the better. Is that correct, Jay? Yes. Science, is that what we're doing? Tune in Thursday. Tune in Thursday. We review... Yeah, we're going to Bobby's second. I say Thursday, don't tune in. I say Thursday, take a day off from the show. There's a show called Surviving Jeffrey Epstein. What did he do? He, you know what? You're going to have to watch it. Okay, I'll check that out. Was that good? It was good. Interesting? Yeah, he had a lot of fun, I think they would say. Jeffrey Epstein, that guy used to come to comedy shows a lot, dude. Great hang. What do you think the problem is? Okay, so something's going on. It's saying that there's viewing restrictions. Because look, see how this says? What did I just see? See how this says Paramount Plus, YouTube, but then you click on this and it says that we can't see it? Yeah. What's going on? Let's get to the bottom of this. Come on, Christine. You got it, didn't you? I'm going to investigate. Sleuth it. Fucking, it's these goddamn computer settings. Who were the comics in this, that are in the new show? Well, Paul Verzi did an episode. Paul Verzi did. I'm excited to see that. There's a couple people that have done it. I think Mike Feeney. Yeah, Mike Feeney. Maybe jumped on this son of a bitch. Is it taped here in New York? It tapes in Los Angeles, where Byron lives. It's in Los Angeles. The only place in the world where you can take somebody seriously when they give you a bullshit transition like he does. Jacob, I understand you like performance fleece. Bobby. Take it away. Let's get to tune in Thursday. Bobby makes his own transitions. Bobby starts transitioning himself. Because I learned from the master of transitions. B. Allen. And I transitioned myself into my own jokes. because that's what I do. The comics unleashed. The first episode, I got the hang of it. The second episode, I really honed in on the show. Have you looked desperately on YouTube? It makes me sick that Jay didn't do it. Oh, would it make me so happy just to see Jay doing bits? I had no idea. I mean, you said this for the pre-tap, but you did two in one day. Yeah, you got to go in and do two in one day. So you learned transitions in one taping. I don't know what happened to me. I was on the second tape and I know that I was tired and in a daze. John Witherspoon really tuckers you out. He is taxing, I feel. Very taxing. Really tuckered me out. Always be closing, pops. Yeah. At one point, I was just following the shark in the background. Oh, yeah. It's behind Byron Allen. Oh, I would get lost in that fish tank for sure. Which I think the shark represents Byron and where the little fish that disappear. Absolutely. And I will tell you this. At one point, in lieu of laughing at Kathy Ladman's routine about her husband, you were leaning back to look at the shark. It was a fascinating shark. You were looking around her. They showed that. I've never seen a shark in captivity, Jay. It was fascinating to me. And they had to keep you, what they had to do, though, is they had to keep you on the side with her on both episodes. Because if you were on, no, if you were on Gabriel Iglesias' side with your spastic hand gestures, I'm worried you may have caught the side of your hand in what we would call his chin ass. yeah yeah or people would just be drawn to that heavy side yeah what was that it looks you had it you had it i'm trying to get to the most recent episodes vamping we are vamping we are vamping vamping vamping um be great if they reunited the original panel got the crew back together if you did it again, Bobby. Two of them are dead, I think. Is Kathy Ladman dead? No, I haven't seen her in a long time. Pops is dead, for sure. Can't get Pops back. Pops is dead. Coordinate. Yeah, John Witherspoon's very much dead. Yeah, I don't know if she's dead. Kathy Ladman, probably still hanging in there. Hanging in there with somebody. Any late Ladman? Yes, she's alive. How old? 71. She's 71. I know that because she said on the show that she was 51. Oh, aren't you the mathematician? I had a ton of heads over here. Yeah. Oh, my God. I should have dry bar. I think it's a terrible name for a comedy thing. Dry bar? Dry bar? Yeah. Well, not if you're a recovering alcoholic. Right. Well, and it's also super clean comedy because they assume if you're sober, you're also a queef who's afraid of curse words. Hey, now. Hey, now. No, they assume that. Hang on, now. No, no. You're to the contrary. But the world takes that in. Yeah, I'm sober with alcohol and drugs, but with comedy, I'm drunk. Let's hear a little Ladman. I want to hear a little Ladman. That's why we're on the comedy channels. Do you? Do you? You want to hear some jokes out of this blouse lady? Yeah, like this. Not when I go home. Not ruining my own time. Ruining the listener's time. All right, let's hear. I bet she was actually huge back in the day. She was big for a minute back in the year. Yeah. I swear to God, back in the late 80s, early 90s, she was one of the big ones. She was just touring. Well, no, she was a big comic when there was hardly any lady comics. Kathy Ladman? Yeah. When? I mean, I could name all the ones. The Rita Rudnors, Paula Poundstone got big for a minute. Judy Tanuta, she was one of those. Judy Tanuta never really got big, but she was one of the go-to girls in all those girl compilation things. Women of the Night, we watched, but Martin Short is the host. isn't it funny that they all are the same lady like all those ladies you just mentioned are kind of the same looking same thing yeah yeah it's weird like that was a woman comic back it's why uh Ellen DeGeneres stood out and we didn't realize at the time it was because she was a guy the whole time right let's hear it or at least a bullish lesbian bullish where the fuck did you get that one even the way she's holding the mic now it just makes me feel it's unsettling in the sense it looks like it's effort for her now she didn't think she was going to have to still be hitting the road with Full Grey she thought by then she'd be sitting on Easy Street and she would perform when she wanted to like Joan Rivers but instead she's doing dry bar specials yeah does she have a heavy touring schedule I wonder look up Ladman's touring schedule if you wouldn't mind Oh, you know she doesn't have a heavy menstrual system. No, no, no. Those days are over. She doesn't have to worry about that at all. Yeah. No, she's G to G on that. Yeah. That's hot. She is. I'm hot. No, you're having a hot flash. Okay. She reminds me a lot of my grandmother. She probably plays a lot of theaters and casinos. You got it, honey. Let's see. She's doing Moon Tower. Yeah. She's like an alternative darling. No. Whatever you're saying is crazy. She's an alternative darling of society. She's promoting spots. She's an alternative darling of the world, Jay. Dude. She's got five shows. She's got five shows on deck. Yeah, but she has to take care of her grandkids. Oh, my God. Hang on. Oh, she does comedy coaching. Oh, let's take it. Let's see this. If you're funny and you're stuck, I can help to unstick you and help you to be funnier. The balls. The fucking balls. Dude, we should get- You can't make anybody funnier. We should get Voss to start teaching comedy. Oh, I thought you were going to say we should get him in the class. No. We should get Voss to start teaching comedy classes. She has testimonials. You know how great it would be to take a class from Rich Voss? Oh, my God. Yeah, you're going to have to have those fucking COVID plastic things in front of you while he's talking. All right, put these on. Yeah. He goes, boy, I hope nobody gets a B, a C, or a D. I hope everybody gets A's because the only thing he won't spit on them on. B, C, B. All right, she does some comedy. Zoom coaching groups. We have a special guest. Very funny. She's my wife. My wife. If you're funny and you're stuck, I can help to unstick you and help you to be funnier. That is balls like a motherfucker. Whether you're starting out in stand-up or an accomplished veteran. Wow. What? If you're an accomplished veteran, you should fucking help. Let's take it. Let's see what we can do. Whether you need help with delivery, finding your voice, or just a boost of self-confidence, nonjudgmental and fun, and lots of experience. Contact her about coaching. And then there's some testimonials, if you wouldn't mind. Kathy helped me expand many of my half finished bits and gave me a few hilarious tags her calm and this is fucking crazy her calm and encouraging analytic approach to building a joke is killer when our session was over I had a new five minutes that worked on stage booking again so comedy coaching is just this is like a acting coaching which was can I say something this is going to be a little anti my own point here because I think this is utter horseshit this is utter an utter complete horseshit what she's doing here however I will say when I did get to a thing out in LA where they called me to come out to LA to audition for a thing like the third audition or whatever it was when I got there Kimowitz was panicky and he was definitely like he's like let me book you like an acting coach so just they'll just go through that scene with you and just go meet with him like two hours before the audition so you have it. I was like, okay. And I went to some lady's house and I will say she helped. 100%. I have an acting coach. What she did was helpful. I've had the same acting coach for 30 years. God? No. Oh. Pete Kelly. My first acting teacher in Boston. Your uncle? No none related He still my He taught You a bunch of dumb micks You all related somehow you fucking incestuous freaks I don know how that way you gonna hurt my feelings I don know where that came from I just opening up about my I agreeing with you I didn't like being wrong about the uncle thing. You're not wrong about the uncle. He is my uncle, dude All right, okay told me you didn't want to. Yeah, he yeah, he's great I mean acting is a different thing though acting you need somebody to kind of watch you and give you a little take comedies you can't how do you take advice from somebody you gotta just go on and do it you have to go on and do it and the thing is if you can't find the instincts of it I don't think that can be taught what you can do to be helpful to people is direct like kind of like see what their thoughts are like in talking to them and how they're funny is and you can kind of see like because everyone does the same thing like when you're autobiographical none of that means anything none of it you could just be the fucking greatest observational comic david tell has nothing personal on stage anything he says personal is made up right completely because he's just making the funniest joke you know i mean and then you got like uh a chapelle who's all like you know a little bit of his life but very little of his life and mostly observation about like you know world so it's just like there's so and then there's prop comedy there's like you know what i used to do yeah where you started your roots my roots and i thought my roots were in black comedy turns out it was brought it was prop comedy it was and then i And then I wove into black comedy as I realized the props weren't working as much. You did black prop comedy, the hardest prop comedy. That's the hardest prop comedy there is. It's the hardest prop comedy there is. With this little weenus? You might get killed. Everybody in a laugh now? Woo! Thank you, Jamie. Jamie's stoked for me. Oh. Thank you, EZ and the boys at NWA. That made me feel better. It's been a rough couple days. I mean, obviously, crazy news. Yeah. I should acknowledge that Ron Bennington came back on the air today and was fucking awesome, as always. As best as you ever could have handled something like that. I can't believe how fucking funny the three of them are. Got emotional for a second. The three of them are so fucking great. I mean I think Stanley was one of the things made me laugh out loud said you know from what did he say he said something about being a third third something oh a third party yeah he goes from a third party looking out looking in and Ron just quickly he goes I would consider you more of a second party I mean you know it was like I it was and Gail was like yeah you're not a third you're Second party. You're kind of in the mix, man. But they didn't say first. They said second. Yeah, the second party. He's just so funny, man. So funny. No, I mean, he was making essentially a cancer announcement, and he started the show. They say the only father-daughter radio show in the history of radio. Yeah. Or it was like fucking, and he said something, he started the show, and he goes, would that say the greatest, the only father-daughter radio show in the history of radiation? seems like timely yeah it's funny because they were going through all the comedians messages and I was I was in the middle of sending I sent one to Deb because I didn't want to I didn't want you know my stupid fate you know I didn't want to bother him during all this shit you feel like you couldn't bother him because you're not that close to him like that well I'm I'm the third I'm the third third party third party Maybe a fifth But I was in the middle of sending him a message I was just going to send Hey man, I'm thinking of you Whatever you need, whatever But then he started reading other comics And I was like I was like, ah shit, I've got to write something funny What if he reads it? Somebody who I couldn't remember who was Called in to say they were going to get into the mix Oh, all the comics are going to be on the list Of people who got in there Did you hear when they read Joe List's comment We're in the comic sections of who's who the comedy world and gail was like why does that make me feel good oh it was like blue check blue check blue check oh my god we don't get to see salvo kinder that much so funny man i mean i dude you know me i'd be a i would be sucking up at all i think i can go be funny yeah for sure under the times where it's time to be funny on the microphone and stuff but i feel like my downtime would be morbid i take all and that's why i love i love that ron's taking the song where it's like we're gonna fucking do everything we can and we're gonna fucking fight this thing and i think you know yeah i think he's gonna beat it but that's how i feel outwardly for other people myself i would be like i'm like i'm gonna come laughing every day and then nobody look at me i'm gonna go back to a cave or something right i i throw a cloak over myself like this and i go i just want to be alone and cry and think about everything they black out all the windows christine would have to bring your soup down oh christine's far long gone oh yeah there's no way because you'd be like i'm out i'm not dealing with this horse shit oh there's no yeah i've well i've thrown her out like in a phantom of the opera style like get away for her own good yeah yeah yeah he doesn't know i'm just another room well he was yeah he's so fucking funny man he was I didn't know what to expect when I turned it on I thought I was going to be all all sad you know what I mean I was fucking cracking up yeah I had a feeling he was going to approach it like to be fun which is good that's what he does yeah but he's the best at it he's the best but he said some things that were like emotional a little bit and stuff. I mean, but again, I don't, I said I didn't like, I think a few people didn't like, it felt like too much lamenting a bit. He's like almost eulogizing the situation. Yeah. He's saying things like, I've had an amazing run on radio. He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, you're still on it. You're still on radio. Yeah, and he's, I like when he said him and his wife when they, when they, when the doctors told him that he had cancer. They just took it like it was. No, they're just, yeah, they had no reaction. You know, you're supposed to have this, oh my God. And they were just like, okay. Yeah, like what's the next step, I guess. Yeah, they were just like, all right, well. I think that's what you do in the office. I think you can go, okay. Oh, I'd suck Dawn of all her fucking life. Yeah. Even if it was like curable cancer. No, we're going to cure it. I'd be like, Dawn, I'm sick. I don't feel well. Can you get my slippers? Oh, she hates you sick too. Oh, that's funny. So you want the. Oh, Dawn would fucking leave me in five seconds if I got the flu. I'm not looking at this shit If I got COVID She'd walk away You need the doting I'm the opposite I don't want to be doted on I want to be doted I want to be fucking I want my back rubbed I want to go into a hovel And just sit there And go And think of all the reasons Why God's taking me I don't know I don't know I want to be Why you deserve it I want to be in a cold shower And Dawn has to get wet too Yeah Oh yeah She has to bathe you I want to have anybody bathe me I want to be bathed I'm going to be sitting Contemplating why God's decided to send me to hell where I belong. I want to be bathed. I want to be fed. I want it all. I'll get gaunt, and I'm going to get gaunt and then have a milky eye. It's going to scare people when I do once in a while, when I traverse the city in the rain. I want a fresh, cold face cloth every 20 minutes on my forehead. Yeah, I don't want that. Dawn Hayes taking my temperature. I believe take my temperature, she come over and just feel my head. You're fine. you don't you're not a thermometer bitch stick it in my mouth i'm gonna play uh records constantly of dramatic instrument solos like just cello solos while i sit and uh and think about why i'm being sent to hell i want to push the bed closer to the windows and have it open so i can hear and i'm gonna look out and her when she walks in i'm just two approaches two approaches but we're both hoping to live yeah i mean you know one of us probably both of us is going to get sick someday oh yeah i mean i my feet feel wet when i eat chocolate cake both of us are going to have to put on a good face on an episode one day yeah so people are going to go he's taking it really well he was really funny all day well i hope it's me first I don't want to hear these fucking shitty fans. Fucking him too. They just call him with a product. They go, is this going to be Bobby? I don't know, man. I'm still here. I want to see Jim phantomly go talk to you outside instead of me. Oh, sorry. Bob. Oh, Bob. You're still here? Oh, shit. All right. Well, we have a... Yeah. He really is fucking... You know what he is? He's a man. he's a real fucking man yeah he's funny but he is a goddamn man dude he is yeah no he just just fucking comes on gets the news yesterday and is like yeah i'm gonna be home but just turn the mics on and like it didn't even seem like anything it seemed it was just a fucking hilarious show talking about what it is with his daughter i felt you know she was crying a little bit that that That fucked me up. You know what I mean? Anytime I hear a woman cry, it just fucks me up. I can't take it. Oh, it sucks. That's why I can't go to therapy with Dawn. She just cries. I'm like, you win. I'm an asshole. That's, yeah. I see the crying. I'm just kind of like, yeah. Okay, I'm wrong. You're right. It was manly. Manly? Do you know what's hilarious? Have you ever heard women get angry at other women crying, though, because they say it's a manipulative tactic? I remember it was so funny when me and Carla lived with or right before we moved in with Kurt and Jessica we were getting this apartment and it was like it just got decided for some reason that Kurt and Jessica would have the bigger room and I was never lived on my own before so if it makes sense in my mind I was just kind of like I don't care I just want to like you know I'm like I also don't live in a bedroom I'm like the living room is kind of what I give a shit about which Kurt also ruined also which was hilarious well how did he ruin the living room oh because we were moving in and they were moving into their bigger bedroom um they had no bed and carla told them that uh the bed that were the couches that she brought in uh one's a couch bed it's a love seat in the couch bed and so if they want to use the couch bed until they get a bed like you know go for it and they never did and god bless them i couldn't imagine of how good that couch bed would have been because if you sat on it it felt like shit as a couch it was so uncomfortable as a couch to i never even sat on it i sat exclusively in the love seat because of how uncomfortable that couch was and then after six months or whatever it was of uh curtain immediately it's all lasted six months of living together um i fucking uh he goes hey man he goes uh we're all cleared out of the other room there he goes and i put the cushion i put the cushion back in the couch what what's that he goes you said when we would that we could use the so what they did was they went in and took the mattress thing off of the couch bed and just put the couch back like it was in there so when we were sitting on hard metal uh underneath the fucking shitty cushion because kurt took the bed out and used it as a floor mat for the entire time and we lived together. It was crazy. That was crazy. But when we were accepting the small room, it was because when they were first going, me and Kurt were both kind of like, I don't really care. And then Kurt's going and started crying about that. She's always been in small rooms, and she's never had it. And then I was like, and I said to Carla kind of thing, I was just like, just like you. I'm like, I don't know, she's crying. Like, who gives a fuck that much? Like, just take the fucking bigger room. And she goes, I could cry too. Do you want me to just start crying to do the things? And I was like, oh, you don't believe her cries. She goes, oh, I've never had a big room. I was like, damn, I'm over here falling for it, going like, no, no, crying girl, no. I hate it, I still hate it. It's kind of a weird thing to do, though, as an adult. I never had a big room Well to be fair they were like 20 Yeah Still that an adult 22 23 You not supposed to have a big room until you fucking have your own house She was even older than not She was probably 25 Either way, it was ridiculous to behave like that, for sure. No, it was probably manipulative, for sure, yeah. Yeah. They were like, you have to understand, Kurt and her were like, they were those people that lived their lives like a vagrant life. You know what I mean? Like, they figure out a way to eat, figure out a way to get money up somehow. You know what I mean? What do you mean figure out a way to eat? You find a way. Like, there's just some way. She could figure an angle some way to do it. She was like a scammer chick, you know what I mean? She would kind of, like, figure out ways to just make things happen. She knew somebody who knew somebody who could hook up this. Rice? She did weird stripping, but it was, like, bikini place. Right. Stripping. And then, like, Kurt worked at Funkoland for a minute. And I got a job at Funkoland for, like, two days with him for a minute. Was Funkoland Funko Pops? No, it was video games. Oh, video games. It was okay. It was the old, like, before it was GameStop. Okay. It was called Funkoland. Right. And we got a job there. Anyway, but yeah, they never had any, none of us had any money. I miss, though, living with a comic. I, I, it was nothing better than coming home after sets and, like, a comic was hanging out. Just shoot the shit. Well, Kurt and me never had too much. Kurt was just, like, a hermit who played video games in his room. So he would just literally sit in there and play for, like, 18 hours a day sometimes. Wow. DeRosa and me Had some great times Living together And And Fennoya Yeah Had a lot of laughs Just when me and Fennoya Were like roommates It was great Yeah me and Billy Had a lot of laughs When we lived together I loved living with I mean we used to fight a lot It was two of the same temper So anything would set us off And like physically We'd physically go at it It was kind of Don't war on that You don't want to do this You don't want to do this. Is that the audio? Very similar to that on occasion. Don't want to do this. Bro, bro, don't call my girl a bitch, man. You call my girl a bitch. Yeah, he's a hothead. I'm a hothead. But DeRosa and me used to live right next to each other. We used to hang out like every day. I used to love hanging out with DeRosa. Me and him are like the Pope of Greenwich Village. You just walk around and go shop to shop. And your leather jackets. Yeah. And you're, for different reasons, ill-fitting leather jackets. That was when I had my three-quarter length. Bobby was fat and wore tight leather jackets. Joe DeRosa was not fat, but wore jackets that were too tight for him still. Yeah, he looks like somebody steamed him smaller. Joe would have like Frankenstein wrists coming out of fucking, when his arms were down. Yeah, yeah. That's supposed to happen when you lift your arms, maybe. Yeah, we were two idiots. We used to walk around like we were New Yorkers. We'd go to one shop and get a loaf of bread. We'd go to another shop and get meats. Go to another shop and get peppers. Did you cut up an apple while you were walking with a switchblade? Yeah. We'd go over to where we parked, that little park. We'd go over there and lay everything out and just shoot the shit, and he'd be making a sandwich. And then we'd split the sandwich, have some type of- New York City, huh? Yeah, exactly. It's crazy out here in these streets. You got to take some time for yourself, you know what I mean? Make a sandwich with your friend. Just two douches on a stoop. I remember me and Bobby Mozzarella when hanging out. The Amish market. We called him Joey Sandwiches. Who knew? Who knew where it would go? Who knew he'd have a sandwich shop them day? Sponsored by the Wits. I walked by that shop and I looked at myself and I says every time I walked by, I go, he did it. Son of a bitch did it. He did it. He made it good. He fucking did it. Joey Roses damn made it good. Son of a bitch. And as soon as he made it good, he moved to another place. He got out of there just in time to never run his own sandwich place. And now look over the sandwiches. And probably start saying things like, whatever's cheapest, Paulie, whatever's cheapest. I don't give a fuck no more. But back in the day, we got the most expensive gabagool. You got the gabagool. There's two gods. They struck you to hell. Yeah, we had a lot of good times. Single life. I forgot all about single life. you were single when you lived next to Joe yeah well yeah I was well I wasn't single but I was with Don but we weren't married so I considered single you lived like you were did you live together? me and Don we've lived together yeah we lived on the high rise and then we bought the apartment but Don let me she let me just do it she let me go and do whatever the fuck I wanted we didn't hang now we spend time together now I can't wait to get home and hey what are we watching i'm a fucking i'm a kept bitch now she was also always busy too yeah right well it's so weird because relationships like she was busy she had like two jobs but like back then i didn't she wanted to be with me and i wanted to be hanging out with fucking joe you know being in new york and making sandwiches and doing shows and now i want to be with her she wants nothing to do with me she's like go make sandwiches with your friends i'm busy dude i realized this morning i'm i'm finished when i creamed my feet what's that i put moisturizer cream on my feet this morning before i put my socks on i do that a hundred percent of days yeah that's good i've part of my routine put your socks on maybe more like before bed and don't put socks well i read you're supposed to put your socks oh that's not true that's what i do every day yeah cream your feet and then you put the socks on yeah yeah dude i've never creamed my feet ever but now i'm creed i creamed my i creamed my feet every day i've never done it in my life Men don't cream their feet. This man does. You have to have hard feet in case you have to run out outside in a fire or somebody. I cream my feet, and I hit like this. What? I just want you to know, both things could be possible. I cream my feet, and I also hit like this. I felt so old this morning rubbing cream on my feet. Dude, my feet are totally creamed right now. Watch this. You don't want to have like... Jacob, here, put this sticker in your mouth. I'm going to show you my creamy feet. Yeah! All right, I missed. You missed again. I missed. You always miss. But it smelled great, right? Yes. Yes. What did you say? You don't want those crusty old man feet, so it's better to do what you're doing. Well, I was getting these little things on my feet, these hard little... Calluses. Little... That hurt. And I would have to cut, like, dig them out. You may have had... Dude, I had to get this handled a while back. It took fucking months to go away. I started waking up when I would walk to go to the bathroom or something. In the mornings particularly, it would hurt so much because I was barefoot or something. And it had a middle to it. Yes. It had like a... But they're really small. They're really small. You're looking at sand. Don't look at that. Don't look at bottom of the foot wart. Yeah, planter's wart. Is that what it is? I've had it, yeah. It fucking does hurt. And it takes forever to get rid of. It sucks. It comes to fix it. There's like a round Band-Aid with acid or something in the middle. That will help. I just pick them out. I have a little razor that I pluck them out. I use straight razor? Yeah. Multiple times to get down there. You're eventually going to put medicine on it. Yes. It's so deep. You got to. Well, mine's. That's honest to God. It's almost identically that thing. And it fucking killed when you walked on it. Like you're walking on a rock. Yeah. What is it? I have a wart. How did I get a wart on my file? Planta's wart. And you already have plantar fasciitis, right, Bob? I have plantar fasciitis, and then I have a ligament that got twisted up. You needed lotion. years ago. But this is eye lotion. Mine's not that bad. But I gotta tell you what, I lotion my feet and I still got that wart. I just didn't know what the fuck it was. How do you get them? What is it? You pick those up. I don't know how I got it. It's viral. It's viral. It is. You pick it up. Oh, it is. Oh, okay. So then a fucking, it's a hotel probably. A hotel shower. Yeah. So somebody had it and I got it. Probably. Carpet. Fuck. So I gotta put medicine on it? Yes. So I don't have to, I don't. It's HPV. What? Yeah. What are you talking about? It's pussy. It's pussy warts on your feet. It's from eating pussy with my feet? That's what it is. It's pussy warts for your feet. I have rubbed my feet on pussy before. That's probably where you got it. I had this. HBV up here. Same as HBV down there. I had a Lao Asian girl that liked a nice foot rub on her snatch. Oh, you make me laugh so much. My head's hurt. But I had to put stuff in. This guy told me when I went there, he was like, it'll take two weeks to go away. And then it took six months? I think it was because you kept shaving it down. because I said something to you. I was like, you don't know what you're... I was like, you're messing it up more. It's fun, though. And once you stop doing that... I'll tell you, right? I'm so glad you said that. I wasn't going to say that. Shaving this, getting the little thing out, and it comes out, it's awesome. It's gotten me so hyped up. If you got the thing out, you're probably good. You should probably put some medicine on it, though. Salicylic acid or whatever. Yeah. But that's gone now. That whole thing is completely gone. So now, once in a while, though, I'll pop open a drawer, see a little razor there, and I'll be like, sure, I got some cows over here. I'm going to get the side of the foot. And, dude, I'll tell you, it would make me vomit if I saw you even start doing this in person. I'm in person. If I see it online, I don't give a shit. But in person, if I watch you do it and if I presented, if you presented to me what I feel satisfied of, the hunk that I pull off and I can hold it up and it's like a fucking Indian head quarter. And I'm like, yo, I just cut that off of myself and it didn't hurt at all. It felt like it was supposed to be off of me. I like the ones you can pull off and make jewelry out of it, like an earring. You ever get into one? Sometimes I'll cut into one until you get low enough. Sometimes you get a nice thick cut. Yeah. And then when you get it halfway done, get under there and maybe start pulling it back a little bit with your hands. Yeah. Really get in there. Get a little toothless. And that's how you see that beautiful, that beautiful baby hamster skin that's under there. It's all pink and bright. I had one that came out like a tooth. I was like wow I had to wiggle it and it popped out So this is from eating pussy? Yeah Foot and pussy I ate Bobby's foot pussy Because I want to get HPV the old way That's because you eat pussy because you're a man It doesn't matter where it comes from Bobby let me get that corn wart Let me get that fresh foot pussy I'm going to slide that right in between Your fucking planter and your corn I got that young Foot pussy. Oh, shit. We got to go. Yeah, we got to go. Big J. I could have done that for the next five minutes. That was my third appearance on... We're going to find it. We're going to find episodes of Comics Unleashed. Big J is going to be at Helium St. Louis this weekend, April 3rd and 4th. Then the Funny Bone in Orlando April 10th and 11th. Then he's going to be at Nashville for Story Wars and Kansas City For tickets and all the tour dates, bigjacomedy.com, youtube.com slash at Big J. And make sure you go to our YouTube page and watch one of the funniest poundings ever given to a young comic with hopes and dreams. Thank God I didn't know you guys then. Son of a bitch. You wouldn't know us now if we did. Bobby Kelly. Bobby Kelly's going to be at Comics Roadhouse in Connecticut April 17th and 18th. That's over at Mohegan Sun Casino. After that, Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant, New Jersey, Cleveland, Ohio, Stanford, and New Orleans all on deck after that for tickets and so many more tour dates. Go to punchup.live slash Robert Kelly. And, of course, his YouTube channel, at Robert Kelly Comedy. And, most importantly, if you're in the New York area, every Tuesday night at 7 p.m., like clockwork at the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge, at the Comedy Cell, or you can see him live and in person. I should also say it's just written weird, Christine, a little bit. We're doing Nashville Festival. we're doing story wars and then that weekend I'm doing the rest just stand up in Kansas City okay that is written it's written it's fine but I also see how that can be misconstrued if someone heard that then people are gonna show up first people are gonna show up in Kansas City and be like I thought this was story wars I'm like sorry to let you down dick face Christine wrote it wrong Christine wrote it like a stupid idiot Bobby just read it exactly the way it is oh real nice Christine making Bobby read it exactly how it is making me look like an idiot I hope you get pussy foot warts Why would you push that on me? I want it I think it's Bobby wants to rub your pussy with his foot I'm gonna come over to your pool and rub on my pussy foot warts Jacob's bored, we gotta go, bye