Stop Reacting When Your Child Yells (& Do This Instead)

If they get angry and you get angry, who's on the high road? Who's on the calm road to pull you back out of it? Kids yelling at you. Could that go on the Brat Busters behavior board? Never, because that's in the attitude department. If they yell at you, it means they don't respect you. If they don't respect you, it means you're not a leader. So you've got to work on yourself. How should I react when my four and a half year old daughter yells no at a request or question for me? This one's a tough one because I got so many different ways to go about this. Welcome to the Brat Busters Parenting Podcast. My name's Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. My mom, I'm also a grandmother. And I'm Amy Bunnage. Lisa's daughter and I handle the marketing and planning here at Brat Busters. While I don't have kids, each episode will dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. OK, sweetie pie, what are we talking about today? Today's topic is all about parents' reaction when their kids yell at them. OK. Now, I think we'll get started with when emotions are heightened, when your kid is yelling at you. What do you often see parents doing as their reaction? Well, I call that the low road when kids go on the low road, then parents often join them there. So I always say you stay on that calm high road and let them join you instead. Someone's got to be in control. Someone's got to be on the high road. If you go down to the low road and you let your emotions get heightened also when they're angry and then you get angry. Who's on the high road? Who's going to pull you both up? Nobody. But I can imagine that would be so tough as the parent. Yeah, but you got to remember that you're their leader. These aren't adults for talking about. They're not people in the elevator. You know, if someone yelled at me in an elevator, I'd probably get heightened emotions too. But these are kids. They need you to be calm and be a leader. They you're guiding them. They're your kids. You want to guide them along the way. But it's not my job to raise the person in the elevator who's having a fit because they're floor. They missed their floor or something. See the difference? It's a whole different relationship. So yeah, I can get heightened too. I don't have a big temper or anything, but I can get heightened too, but not with kids. Now, do you find that sometimes kids almost egg this on from their parents? Well, the reason why they tend to get heightened emotions and they don't tend to be able to regulate is because the parents join them in that. OK, but once you learn how to calm down, then they will self-regulate. So parents say, how do I help them self-regulate? By staying calm. That's how you do it. You don't talk them through it. That does nothing, by the way. You just stay calm and let them they'll eventually calm down. You can't fight with a calm, loving person forever. Eventually it rubs off. It's like contagious. If you're calm, they're they're going to eventually calm down, not right away. They often get worse before they get better because they remember the old you when they could get you all riled up. And it's kind of a headtrip. It's kind of a power trip to be able to do that to an adult, right? But if they can't do it, they'll just stop doing it. They'll just stop trying because they only do what works past the age of about three and a half to four. They only do what works. And what about before then? Before then, yeah, they're going to be a little bit testy sometimes. They're not necessarily they might try a few things, even though it's not working, but eventually they'll slow down. But you still stay calm. Now, I can envision because I often see comments from parents that sometimes this behavior gets even worse when they're out in public. Maybe it's because there's embarrassment going on from the parent. Their kids are acting out and then their people are watching and you're just like, oh, I just want this over with. It will do a few reasons that might get worse. One of them is that they might be tired because you've been out and there's too much stimulation. Maybe they've been eating candy and they've been on rides at some theme park park or something. So that could be it. Also, but if you're a consistent parent when you're out and you don't get embarrassed, you just stay completely calm and you're the exact same parent when you're out. They tend to be the exact same kids when they're out, too, unless there's those exceptions like they've had too much sugar over stimulation. But generally, if you're the same parent when you're out, they will be the same kid. Like my kids knew 100 percent. I was the same mom, no matter where we were. I didn't care who was looking. If they'd ever acted out or anything, I would have taken care of business just like I do at home. Yeah, you've talked a lot about that with calm leadership, the importance of that consistency kind of everywhere you go. It's so important. I know it's hard to do. And the only reason why you get embarrassed is because you're insecure about it. I was I'll be honest, if I was taking care of business with my kids, I would have been like, come on, come on, everyone, come and watch. I was proud of the way I handled myself with kids. So not just my own, but other people's kids, too, when I was looking after them. So, yeah, I you just want to be calm and confident, but that takes time to get there. Setting yourself up as a leader is really hard work. But once you're there, it's a piece of cake. Now, let's just do like an example scenario. You're four year old, you need to turn off the TV. They get really mad at you. They start yelling at you. How would you like word by word? How would that look for you as the parent? Well, I don't do a lot of words. That's the thing is I don't talk a lot. I just say, OK, time to turn the TV off. And they scream, no, and I take the remote control. I would use physical force if I had to. Like if I had to get that remote control out of a four year old's hands, by the way, I wouldn't use physical force when they're like seven, eight, nine. It's a little bit different when they get bigger. But when they're little, when I say physical force, I mean just prying their little tiny fingers off the remote control and taking it away. But I'm not talking while I'm doing it. I already said, no, time to time to turn it off. They scream, no, they grab the remote and hang on to it. I pry their little fingers off. I turn it off and I just take the remote with me and I walk away. I let them have their scene all by themselves. They're allowed to do that. OK. Because I've already they're four years old. They understand the drill. So I just go about my business. I go do the dishes, go to the laundry, whatever I got to do. Like it didn't phase me at all. I followed through with what I said. Time to turn the TV off. It's going off. Remember, this is a four year old. It's not a 14 year old. That's different. Now, I'm just trying to listen to this as if it's someone's first podcast. Just the physical force thing. You don't support spanking. You don't support any of that. Of course not. This is just getting a remote control out of a four year old's prying little little fingers. I know you say, of course not. But the company is called Brat Busters. And so I do want to. I've been we've been laughing at this off and on in the past week. What was it that came up? I keep forgetting the reason why someone was offended by. Oh, I know, because I call potatoes a pet a potato laying on a mattress. Did I just say I call potatoes? Yeah, I called babies a potato laying on a mattress. Someone was very offended by that. It was so politically incorrect. And I said the name of my company is Brat Busters. Obviously, I have a sense of humor. So I don't even know why they're watching me. But yeah, you're not when I say physical force, you're just getting that remote control. Awesome. OK, you have to do that with a four year old. And then as far as you said, leaving the room, you're doing your dishes. You talk a lot about the fact that when you're someone's having a tantrum, let's say this kid starts having a tantrum, you talk about the fact that you don't just leave. Well, the thing is it was sort of a confrontation. It's a little bit different. If he goes into a tantrum after that confrontation, I've taken control. I've taken the remote. And then I just go about my business. If he starts up a tantrum, he's got to come and follow me. It's subtle, but I wouldn't just stay there. I just wouldn't in that situation because I've already sort of taken care of business. He didn't go into a tantrum right away. He's just screaming at me. So then I just wander up. If he starts having a tantrum, I don't reenter a room to watch a tantrum or to be nearby. I don't reenter the room. So no, I've already left. He'll follow me. That's usually the way they do it. They only do it for attention to get your reaction, right? So they're going to follow you. Maybe that's the point as well, is that you're saying just wander off. It's not like you're storming out of there annoyed. It's not like you're... No, it looked like I was just going to do the laundry and I'm still going to do the laundry. Like this didn't bother me at all. You want to be in control of the narrative or the trajectory of your day. Like in other words, if we're going to leave, I'm going to make sure that we leave and we need to leave. We're going to school. If we're going to have dinner, I put dinner on the table. I'm in charge of all that big stuff, right? So don't let him be in charge of it. I was already going to go do the dishes. And I just had to turn the TV off. He made me go and prize fingers off the remote. That's okay. I'm still going to go do the dishes. See how I'm in control of what I'm doing? He's not. And then what do you let kids be in control of with calm leadership? Play. Play and fun is their love language. So when we're playing, they're in charge. They totally in charge. If I sit down on the floor with kids, they're telling me what to do. But if they get rude, I say, I'll tell you what, you know, we'll try again tomorrow or later on. So if kids get rude, I stop it instantly. Okay. Before we get into the parenting questions, I think something that does come up a lot is, can kids yelling at you, could that go on the rap busters behavior board? Never, because that's in the attitude department. If they yell at you, it means they don't respect you. If they don't respect you, it means you're not a leader. So you've got to work on yourself. If your kids yell at you, this is the way I think when I was working with kids and starting to get their respect, if they were rude to me, I always, I always thought to myself, what am I missing here? What am I doing wrong? In other words, I took charge. I blame myself because that's what a leader does. You take charge. If they're yelling at you think, oh, that's my fault. I've got to work, I got to work harder on my leadership skills. Blame yourself. That's the way you've got to, that's what a leader does. A leader doesn't blame anybody else. A leader takes full responsibility. Okay. Should we get into the parenting questions? Sure. The first one here is Meredith from the United States. How should I react when my four and a half year old daughter yells no at a request or question for me? I've been working on my leadership parenting for about a year now and I've made great strides with it. But in the last month or so, this sassy no answer has been appearing quite a bit. She seems to get a kick out of making it dramatic. It can happen if it's a request. So please use the bathroom before we leave or a simple question like would you like an apple? I try to always follow through on making her do what needs to be done. So use the bathroom. But if it's harder, like please clean up toys, I stay silent if she responds this way to a question. Is this just a lapse in leadership? I think she may be testing me. This one's a tough one because I got so many different ways to go about this. Well, I'll tell you what I did with my kids. It sounds like you're ordering her around an awful lot. And I never talked like that. Like I would say if I wanted my kids to go to the bathroom before we left, I'd say we're leaving. I said, let soon as you go to the bathroom, we'll go. Or I'd say as soon as we all go to the bathroom, we'll go. I never presented it like an order. So, you know, like let's say I want them to clean up their toys, but I'd wait. This is when they were really little. I would wait until they asked me for something. Can we please have a snack? Sure. As soon as you clean up your toys, you can have a snack. So I didn't order them really. They, you know, that's part of it. I don't think that's all of it. To start acting like that at four and a half is a bit unusual. Usually they start that at three, if not younger. So I don't know why all of a sudden that's been sparked, but obviously it upsets you. So whenever you say, but be careful with the orders, say it like this. Say, you know, we're going to go to the bath. As soon as we go to the bathroom, then we can go. If she says, no, I'm not going to go. Say, okay, then, and then when you're out and she does have to go pee, I would say to her, okay, we'll find a bathroom. And then I would say, when we get home, I'd say, I'll tell you what, I did remind you go to the bathroom before we left. So I'm going to have to give you a little consequence for that. So next time you'll know when I remind us to go to the bathroom before we go out. So you can have a little consequence. Not bad behavior. You're just training her into good habits. Okay. And then you wanted to pick up her toys. Say, okay, so I'll tell you what. And I would put this on the behavior board. The rule is pick up 10 toys within 10 minutes of being asked to do so. So I'd say, I'll tell you what, we got to get going or whatever. I'm going to get you to pick up 10 toys and that timer starts now in 10 minutes. And then if she doesn't do it, there's a consequence. But once your tone sounds like you're a little bit bossy, gets her back up a little bit, maybe. Wouldn't help put it that way. I don't think that's all that's going on, but it wouldn't help. Are your kids driving you nuts? They don't have to. Check out bratbusters.com for my bootcamp courses. If you want to learn how to become a leader. Okay. The next one is Jen from the United States. I have a two and a half year old who cries in lines about 90% of the day. We've implemented ignoring his tantrums and it's helped a lot. However, he needs attention 100% of the day. His temperament has been fussy and difficult since birth. I'm not sure what we're doing wrong and I really want to fix it. He's unable to play with anything for more than a minute and he's unhappy a lot of the day. We play with him a lot, but he cries the moment he wakes up. His fits are frequent and he's extremely defiant. My husband and I both struggle to handle him and it's next to impossible to get through the day. We don't yell, get upset, but he's getting stronger and harder. Is it normal to fuss all day? His temperaments, his temper tantrums can last hours. His fits are frequent. I did trip up on my words a lot on that one. His fits are frequent. Okay. He cries in lines all day and he's miserable. That's what I'm getting from that. I don't really know. I'll be honest with you. I would go to the doctor and have him cleared of any earaches or any. I can't discuss what it might be bothering him. I don't know, but just have him looked over potentially if he's really miserable all day long. I would do that. Get him all his health cleared. Get that okay first. Then I would play with him and I would get him started with stuff. I would also do a toy rotation system because if everything looks the same every single day, he's going to be bored. It's really hard for a two and a half year old or any kid past about one and a half or two to ignore something new in a room. Let's say you set up something, just put a table cloth over your dining room table or something bigger, something longer, and it's like a fort underneath there. Put a bunch of pillows and maybe some books or whatever, toys in there. Maybe some little lights that are safe. Make it like a real little fort. Very hard for him to ignore that. Maybe he's bored. I'm wondering. Play with him for a while and say, okay, I'm going to go do the dishes. Don't just say I'm leaving or don't sneak out. Say, I'm going to go do the dishes. It kind of implies you'll be right back. You can go right back or after 10 minutes or so or not. You might want to keep going back. Sometimes parents, what they'll do, and I didn't do this with my kids, but what they'll do is their kids will start independent play and they'll start playing. They'll start playing and then the kids won't go near them. They're like, oh my God, they're independent playing. I would always be talking to my kids. I'd walk past and I'd say, oh, good fort. I was never leaving them alone. Independent play didn't mean they were abandoned. They were more likely to keep playing because they were still getting mom's intermittent attention. That was kind of feeding that independent play. Whereas if you starve it and he goes for a whole half hour and you've given him no attention at all, he might come out and feel a little bit left out. Did that make sense the way I worded that? I feel like it did. Don't completely ignore him. If he's gone for 10 minutes, I'd go back in. He's playing for 10 minutes, I'd go back in. Reward that independent play and then say, okay, I'm going to go fold the laundry now or whatever. Then you come back 10 minutes later. It's sort of rewarding that independent play. But set your set things up differently. It can be all the same stuff, just set up differently. I was good at that actually. I used to rearrange all their toys and I did a tour rotation system. So they hardly had the same stuff out. Any given day was usually different from the one before in the way things look. Also, I saved a lot of toilet rolls and paper towel holder rolls, paper, whatever. And I'd tape them all together and I'd tape the top of it to the dining room table and I'd shoot little, little tiny cars through it or whatever, like a big tunnel and they go racing down. So I was always making stuff. They like anything new and different. It doesn't have to be fancy or even cost anything. So like I said, throwing a big blanket, a duvet or something over a dining room table and turning it into a fort, it doesn't cost you anything. It's just looking at things differently. That's what excites them. They don't care about new, they don't care about expensive. They care about new and different. Even you, I swear, every single time I walk into your place and I see your place a lot, there's something new. I'm always moving stuff around. Always. I'm kind of limited in this place, but yeah, I like to move stuff around because you don't, you don't notice something if you've seen it every single day the exact same way. And it's not new things. It's just things moved around, displayed differently. She often comes in and say, that wasn't there yesterday. And I go, yeah, I know. Like right now I'm looking at a box of tissues. I do not think it was in that holder before. Yeah, I know. I know. And it might not be tomorrow. I know. But you know, and it kind of refreshes the brain too, you know, like the, like think about it. If you're two years old and you walk into the exact same playroom every single day, things become invisible. You mix it up. You even put your books. I remember what I used to do with my kids books is I'd turn all the books around so you could see the, not the spine, but the, you know, the other pages. And they all of a sudden they'd pull out the books and they were different looking or else I might put them like flat on the thing and put them one on top of the other. They'd look, they'd start playing. They'd start reading again. So, and or also I put different clothes on the dolls or whatever. I was always mixing stuff up. That's what keeps them interested. And they're more likely to independent play if they're interested in what's in front of them. Okay. The next question is Ray from the United States. 20 month old. I've been listening to your Instagram videos and just started listening to your podcast. Is there somewhere where your leadership parenting guidelines, so the connection and discipline part are all consolidated like a leadership parenting one on one crash course. I want to introduce my husband to your parenting approach, but I know he's not going to watch a bunch of Instagram reels and he probably won't want to listen to bits and pieces in a podcast. He'll want to understand the basics before agreeing to commit. Thank you. If you really want the cliff notes, show them the pool story. That is if you Google pool, brat busters pool story, it'll pop up. I've done tons of videos on it. A lot of men like that one for some reason. It's very short and they get the psychology behind it. I explain exactly how you discipline kids and how you connect with them right in that one little example. So I think that's the best thing to show them. And then if he likes that, he might be more willing to look at other stuff and you can just get the behavior board. It's completely free. If you want to upgrade, you can go to the course. It's a behavior board with a lot more stuff thrown in, but the toddler boot camp course is doesn't have a behavior board because that doesn't start until they're three. But the actual little mini course that we have on the brat busters behavior board, it has a little toddler section in there. Yeah. And it's free. So just go to bratbusters.com. It's at the very top and the little blue button says get access. And that's the behavior board. It's a mini course. It's a training wheels with all this stuff. And then it's also a mini toddler course and it's free. Yeah. You just need to enter your email. Yeah. But show them the pool story. It's then you might get them on board to listen to something a bit more. That's all. Okay. The next one is Rosie from Australia. My two year old has a breakdown when I turn off the TV and then it passes. We go off and have fun. But then when we come back again, he wants it on again. When I say no, it's on again. What do I do? Let him have a fit. That's okay. Let him process this. Let him process. He can't have what he wants, when he wants, how he wants it all the time. Let him process that. That's a good lesson. It's a good life lesson for him to learn. Don't avoid these fit scenes meltdowns and tantrums. That's them processing. They can't have everything their own way. Okay. It's good for him. They're not all going to have tantrums. They're born to, they're born, they're either going to have them or they're not. Okay. Let him learn to self-regulate and accept the word no. The only way to do that is to let him work it out himself. Don't intervene. I always say, their tantrums fits meltdowns and that's none of your business. When it's something that you know you follow, that you're doing the right thing. You can't have TV all day long. You're doing the right thing. Let him process that. You can give him another option to do, right? But not while he's having the tantrum. As soon as he's finished, you say, oh, do you want to go over and here and play with Lego? If he starts up again, just ignore him again. Let him, let him process that. That's okay. It's healthy for him to be able to do that. And a lot of times they will have a fit because he knows it's not going to go on again. I'm assuming either that or you might give in sometimes. If you do, that's why he's doing it. Once you've said no, you can't go back. So a lot of parents say, but what do I do once I've said the wrong thing? And I say, well, next time don't say the wrong thing. Because if you've said the wrong thing, you have to follow through. Okay. That was everything for the questions. Okay. So reaction when kids yell at you, they're yelling is usually a sign past the age of three. It's a sign that they don't respect you. If they don't respect you, it's a sign that you're not a leader. So you got to work on your leadership skills. If they get angry and you get angry, who's on the high road? Who's on the calm road to pull you back out of it? You stay on that calm, on that calm road, let them join you instead of you joining them on the crazy road. Okay. That's what parents, most parents do, especially when they're inexperienced. They go right down to that crazy road with their kids and then they can't figure out why nothing's working. Stay on that calm road. I know it's hard to do, but it's worth it. It's easier as you get, when you get better at it and it gets easier, then it's just kind of a no brainer. You wouldn't, wouldn't dawn on me to get upset with a kid because I've never done it for one thing because I know it doesn't work. Cause I've had experience with kids forever, right? So I just know once you know for sure that it's never going to work, you getting upset with them is never going to work. Then go the other way. Just wait it out. They'll eventually join you. It's going to take a while though, especially if you've given in the past. If you've joined them in the crazy road in the past, they're going to probably push harder and harder to bring you back down again. But if once you stop doing it, they'll, they'll get, it'll fizzle out. I want to make a note just because I'm trying to listen to this really objectively. When you say, it just wouldn't dawn on me to even go down the, it feels. It feels patronizing. The thing is this is the only thing I'm really good at. I'm really horrible. A lot of things. I just always understood kids. Okay. But I'm really bad at a whole bunch of stuff. How many things do I do repeatedly wrong over and over and over again, even though I know I shouldn't, I won't go into it. But I'm, I'm really dumb sometimes, but kids, this is just my lane. Okay. And that's why I'm teaching it. You would never want to take parenting advice from someone who didn't find it easy. Okay. I always found kids easy from the time I was a kid. I was volunteering in daycare centers at 11. I was babysitting at 11. I always understood kids and found this stuff easy, but that's it. Everything else is just as challenging as it is for you. This is just my lane. And that's why I'm teaching it. I just needed to make that note. Oh, I am very, very humble. The whole bunch of stuff I'm horrible at. I am the most humble. I am the most humble person you'll ever meet. Yeah. But I, I am lousy at a whole bunch of stuff, but this is, that's why I'm teaching this stuff. There's no way I'd be teaching something unless I was really confident about it. But this is it. Nothing else. You have other stuff. Okay. Well, I used to teach fitness and sewing too. Those are things I'm, I'm okay with. I think I just wanted to make the point that we all have specific strengths and things that we're really good at. Yes. But like I said, you don't want to take parenting advice from someone who's relatable. If you're struggling, you don't want to take parenting advice from someone who said, yes, I struggled, but I figured it out. Why were they struggling in the first place? Okay. You see what I'm going with that? You do not want someone, you don't want to take parenting advice from someone that you relate to. You want to take it from someone like, oh, I want to be where she is or where he is. Someone who found it easy. Okay. I think that's a great place to end. Is it? Okay. Well, then we'll end here. Okay. Thanks so much for joining us. We'll be back again soon talking about another parenting topic. Happy parenting. Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to dive deeper, check out bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses, and private one-on-one coaching with Lisa. If you've enjoyed the show so far, we'd love it if you could take a moment to follow, rate, and review us on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback helps us reach more parents just like you. The information provided in this podcast is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Lisa is a parenting coach, mom, and grandmother. She is not a licensed psychologist or counselor. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. For a full disclaimer, please visit bratbusters.com forward slash disclaimer.