The Second Stain - Part One

Shurlock this? Are you serious? An early Christmas present? You didn't have to do this, you big detectiveing- Sorry what? What? What is this? You're welcome. You are now a Sherlock and Co member go to patreon.com forward slash Sherlock and Co. Sherlock. Did you get me a Patreon membership for Christmas? Yes, you said it was the perfect Christmas gift. Yeah, but not for me. I run the members club. Yeah, no, this is great. Love it mate. I love it. Merry Christmas. Yeah you too. Give the gift of Sherlock and Co membership today. Who are you talking to? I'll write the listeners. Yeah good, good work. Hey, it's me and it's you and we're back here in my bedroom. If these walls could talk again, they would say stop editing that podcast, stay in day out and get a life. Well walls, I'm not going to do that. So yeah, this adventure is a political thriller. It contains politics. Everyone's making a living, vlogging at these days so why not us? Yeah, usual swearing stuff, everything else in the description. If you haven't visited Sherlockware.com, please do. You will love it. And if you haven't visited patreon.com, forward slash Sherlock and Co. What an earth are you waiting for? More money, John, more money. That's what mate. I hear you. Anyway, this is the adventure of the second stain. Go enjoy yourselves. That is driving me absolutely insane. Graham! I know you can hear me. Archie, go and tell Graham to stop running in that bloody wheel. Go. Sorry, how did you look at the title of man's best friend? Exactly. You don't do anything I ask and I do everything you ask. This is a toxic relationship. Graham! Ah, keep going. Graham, stop it or I will take that wheel with you in it and lob you down Baker Street. Take a right at the end and bugger off at the A40 for all I get. Do I make myself clear? Archie, stop barking. What is going on in this flat? Oh, bugs. I see. There's a cat that's climbed up to the window. I should probably call RSPC. Yeah, could you lay? Hello? Hey, you must be hungry after that climb up here mate. Tell you what, if he runs another half marathon in that wheel whilst I'm trying to work, you've got yourself some lunch. Haven't you? Yeah, I've made myself clear. Graham! Oh, hey, I've got that Patreon content schedule that you suggest. Who are you talking to? A cat at the window. I think it's the mirror loads. Clams up the back wall. You said I hope I've made myself clear to a cat. No, no, that was to Graham. The mouse. Yeah. You need a break. My name is Dr. John Watson. Once of the British Army, Northumberland, Fusilea Regiment. Now, a true crime podcast that based in Central London. I don't have much experience in criminology. So this is mostly a record of how I met possibly the most brilliant and bizarre person I have ever and will ever know. Join me as I document the adventures of Sherlock Holmes. This royal throne of kings, this sceptored isle, this blessed plot of this earth, this realm, this England, William Shakespeare. Well, Bravo, Bill. Your words have been immortalised on a beer mat in the volunteer. Oh, lovely. Now, you actually boy, why have the sacred boards of the globe when you can have a soggy bit of cardboard? Yeah, you got my puppy, got my pint, got my bulldog, reading a bit of Shakespeare, kind of England I am, become thee. Cheers. Oh, cool, that is a pint. My dearest of dear listeners, that is a pint of the good stuff. Let me tell you. Why did I start a podcast about pubs? Why didn't I do that? Instead, let's be honest, be entraumatised on a bi-monthly basis chasing murderers and thieves. When I could be, just, you know, this week I'm in the volunteer. I'm knocking back a few drinks and flirting with the idea of some pork scratchings. After that, I'll gaze nostalgicly into their cheap, twinkly Christmas decorations for a couple of minutes, then go home and nap on the couch. Done. Thanks for listening to Watson's pub cast. Boom, millions of listeners. I've put out like three episodes a week, because, well, let's be honest, it's just me chatting and drinking. Yeah, hold on, I've been found out, Spanish Armada has arrived, best to sail out and meet it head on, I find, Mariana. Hey. What's up, you okay? We have a client. Cool. Don't you want to know who it is? Yeah, sure, who is it? I can't tell you. What? I can't tell you who it is. Isn't that exciting? Well, not really, because you just asked me if I want to know who it is and I do want to know. Yeah, me too. Right, so you don't know who it is today. That's right. So, wait, sorry, how do you even know we have a client? Because, many insults came into the office, they asked where Sherlock was. I said, he was upstairs. They said, you can't do an episode on this. Some people then got out of a car. Wait, what? Some people got out of a car that was outside, they went upstairs to do do do and be, and that was it. That was it. Yeah. Okay, are you sure they aren't there to kill Sherlock or something? If they are, it's a very formal way of doing it. Where are they now? In the flat, in N2 to 1B. But I live there. Yes. And I can't go in there. No. Well, this is an infringement on my liberties, I think. Your liberties. Yes, I am an Englishman. I have liberties. Forget what I said. Okay. Geez, look, you're exercising your English liberty right now. You're in the pub with Archie in the middle of the day, talking to the listeners. This is like your happy place. Yeah, but now I've been told that I can't go in my flat. I want to go in my flat. Yeah. And now I ain't right. Did you see who it was that got out of the car? No. Okay, did you see what type of car? Black one? Oh, right, yeah. The all new Toyota Black one. How you pinched me? Deserved. Nothing more specific than that, just a black car. It's a bruise now, great. I was surrounded by security guys. I wasn't looking up the type of vehicle jump. Okay, I am going to go and check this out. John, John, wait. Oh, I'm home, sweet home. Can I help you? No. Can I help you? No. Wait, no. Ask me again. Sir. Okay, I'll pretend you asked. You can help me by letting me into my house. You own this townhouse? Yes. This townhouse in central London? Well, no, I don't. Well then. But I rent it. The house. The flat on the second floor? Yeah, well, you can't come in currently. Or I can get you to fill out this for. Of course, there's a form. Of course. Well, if we're going to play that game, you know, you can't park. Yes, we can. No, you can't. WLO, no loading, no stopping. Could you move away, please, sir? It's my flat. I'll be long. Sure. Whatever. Can I get through? Sir, I'm just going to ask you to step back, please. And I'm going to ask you to let me into my own flat. Yeah, silent treatment, is it? Nice try, mate. You want to try and wake me out? Dear? I can stand here all day, my friend. Come on, come on, come on. Gone. What? What are you doing? I'm doing the Macarena. What does it look like I'm doing? It looks like you are climbing up the back wall of our building. Excellent. Observation. You can climb up a drain pipe, John. Why not? Because you're not a rat. You're right. I'm not. I'm a man. I'm a rat man. I'm a rat man. Rat man. Rat man. Ow! Ow! Oh, God, that's sore. Okay, right. I actually am. I know where I went wrong. I actually need to change the placement of my hands. Hey, rat boy. Rat man. You just need to wait. And Sherlock will tell us exactly what is going on. Sherlock, tell us. Have you met Sherlock? Or get more information out of this brick wall? I'm just going to tell you about this client. It's all right, aren't you? Your owner is just a weird, weird guy. Marino's cacking out there. I can get out there. I can see into your kitchen. Is that my new trouble? You've never used it in your life. Yeah, because it's in your kitchen instead of mine. Apparently that's why. Now, just... Can you stand under this window, sir? Why would I do that? Because if I fall, I'll land on you and Archie rather than the concrete. Oh great. So we all die. Sorry, excuse me. How much do you think I weigh? Uh, quite a bit. Well, it'd be quite a bit less if I had access to my bloody neutral bullet, Mariana. Well, we'd end up in hospital. Oh, Archie wouldn't? Yeah, but think of the vet bill. Yeah, good point. All right, fine. Stand back. You're not actually doing it. Oh, I'm actually doing it, mate. If I haven't made it all ready, I don't think this is a good idea. Relax, I've done it before. When? Yeah. When I lost my keys once. I just got it. Get up to you. The second floor. There we go. And then... I can pull myself up on our kitchen window. And now, I'll be able to see inside and spy on exactly who our mysterious... Oh my god. What? Yeah. No way. Who is it? Who is it? You're lying. Ha, I'm not. Archie, this way, mate. Okay, okay, okay. So, you looked through the window. Yeah, look through the window. And you saw a group of security guys. Only maybe three or four. Right. And then sat down with Sherlock was the prime minister. Are you out of your mind? Did you hit your head when you fell, Rudman? No, I'm not out of my mind. It makes sense. Doesn't it? I mean, who else has that kind of security and secrecy? I mean, I guess I've a few people, right? They wanted me to fill out a form. But is there anything more British government than that? Plus, every single one of them wearing poppies. So? I mean, so are you. But every single one of them. They can't be seen without a poppy this time of year in the current climate. I'll be sure. Ironic? I risk my case, though. Well, I think you're maybe reaching a little too hard with those theories. Mariana. What? It was him. It was the PM. The occupant of number 10 Downing Street. It was the prime minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Really? Really? So exciting. Amazing. Excited. Have you seen one of his speeches? Oh my god, is the prime minister? This is like a thriller movie. You're just excited because we've got a client that likes spreadsheets as much as you do. You don't know that he likes spreadsheets? Please. Look at him. Listen to him. You're telling me he doesn't like spreadsheets. Yeah, okay, he loves them. Thank you. We are English. Mariana, we're not Spanish. If you give us the chance to vote for a boring man in glasses, we will vote for a boring man in glasses. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You don't think this is about our taxes or anything, do you? Do you think I've done it wrong? I... No, this copied. They said I owe them £1.46. Wait, what? Why? Apparently from self-assessment tax I underpaid it. Then pay it. No. Why not? It's a refuse to it. It's £1.46. You're going to get us into serious trouble. Over £1.46. Oh, I should have asked him why it's taking so long to be giving a unique taxpayer reference number. Well, he might still be there if you want to climb back up the drain pipe with your HMRC letters. Archie, come here, bud. Okay, how do we convince Sherlock to tell us? Oh, I have a devious plan. My friend, a devious... devious plan. Okay, well, right now your dog is doing something pretty devious on the pathway. Ah, Archie. FFXEAT FOR YOU. Look. Oh, wow. Oh, goodness. You can see nearly all of London. Not even remotely. But I do love a seat with a view. I know. That's why we called ahead and told the restaurant exactly what you want. It they even have if you look at the menu here. Ta-da! A pen-a-pasta. Wait, there you go. In a light master's. Oh, I see. I see. I see. I see. I see. I see. There you go. In a light master pony sauce. Light. So, not heavy. Not too overwhelming. Splendid. Now we live to please, mate. This night it's all about you. Far too kind. Is there some occasion that has slipped my mind? Something with a horrid, portmanteau title like, Workaversary or... Jobily. Sorry, jobily. Jubilee and job. It's not bad, actually. Remind me of that one. We've worked together for 25 years. We don't need an occasion. This is about appreciating you. And how's this for appreciation? Hey guys, come on over. Excuse me. Are you Sherlock Holmes? Yes. The art deduction skills are quite simply up. May he sing. We're also glad you follow your gut. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum. From India to Darkmore and all. Oh, over. The game is regularly a fo- Game is a foot, my friend. From Marriottah, John Graham and Archie too. We love you down to our bow. We love you. Ever saw. And we will always be there to support you. The wonderful detective. Yes, such a great detective. The one at only Sherlock Holmes. Holmes. Wow, that was so cool. Great work, lad. Thank you so much, hey? Okay, talk about it. Hey, what do you think, matey? Not bad. Oh, poor. Tremendous. Did I ever tell you that you are my favourite detective? Good job. Behave yourself. Yeah, fictional ones, real ones, but together. You're still my favourite. Mine too. How lovely. And I just love working with you. Sharing our life together, sharing our careers, sharing our dreams. A tad sentimental, but I'll forgive it. You are Mediterranean, after all. No, it's because we share everything together. Don't we? Not really. No, we do. Don't think so. Yes, we do. I am. We do. I'm not telling you a bloody thing so you can both bug around. I'll have the pen A and I'd like to see their ale selection. Damn it, Mariana. What? You came on too strong, you scared him off. I didn't scare him off, he sat right there. Now, Bobbyshop Cortec cost me 700 quid. You paid 700 pounds for that stupid song, and you won't pay 146 in decks? I'll technically be the company, dude. Technically, I'm going to stab you with this for... Sherlock, look. No. Well, I mean, you're probably wondering how we even know. I saw you pop your stupid head up through the kitchen window. I heard your silly nanananananana rat man song. I'm damn it, Mariana. That's you, not me. Why won't you tell us? Because I have a duty to my nation. Listen, Mr. Churchill. You have a duty to us as well. Yeah, exactly. Here, here. Hmm. Do I? Yes. Look, okay, right, blink. Four times if it's relating to a scandal. What? He blinked. That's two blinked two and a half. Of course I blinked. You're spitting and blowing air in my eye. Because I'm excited, I'm pumped. Oh, sorry. That's a... Third blink there. Yes, could I get a Serbia, please? Yeah. Now, give us the goss. What's the goss boss? It'll be a loss to not get the goss. You honestly believe that this pun-riddled, clawing, personable tactic will yield results to you. That wasn't... That was just me, then, mate. Oh. Well, constructive feedback is always helpful, I find. So take that on board. Is it a hit? A murder? Oh, and I bet it was like a member of a British high society that did it. Oh, yeah, like some elite duke or... Oh, was it royal maybe getting business taken care of? Or an entanglement between the crown and parliament. The ancient power struggle of our nation coming to blows even now. This is so... This is like a blockbuster adventure. Has someone been framed? An innocent person used by the establishment? Yeah, yeah. People that control every aspect of the global order, bringing this country... Oh, goodness sake. Fine, I'll tell you. It is... Hello, podcast fans. It's John Watson here. You're probably wondering why I've stopped your favourite show. Well, it's because the following scene contains highly confidential information and in order to prevent that juicy stuff oozing into your ears, I have cut it out. I say, cut it out. I replaced it with music, which I was then told I couldn't use due to copyright issues. So now I've just replaced the important stuff with a rendition of rule Britannia. Yeah. It was a meeting between myself, the Prime Minister and the Minister of European Affairs. Hope. Thingy... Hope. Tabitha. Hope. Yep, you know it. An important note on official letter-headed paper has gone missing from a dispatch box. There was footage of the note being handed over from the... ...official to Tabitha Hope. It is distinct enough looking that should it resurface in the wrong hands, its validity is easy enough to ensure. How distinct. Size. Color of envelope. The seal is from the office of... Wow, okay, this is... ...harder to refute than I leaked the email. How important is it? Emensely so. What does it say, the note? Its contents are as follows. Dear... There was an attack on... Yeah, but knowledge of that would trigger... ...if the Europeans saw that, then they... Yes, exactly. In fact, if they knew that the... ...and then subsequently the... ...then that would be a declaration of... Oh my god. Bread selection for you to start? Ah, yeah, thank you. Bread basket, just put that there. French bread, anyone? Speaking of the French, they... No footage, no evidence of the event. Just this note... ...inconfidence to the UK... ...who will handle this situation to... ...squeakly with the parties involved. No institutions, no declarations, no escalations. It's the only way to prevent... ...war. Wow. That's... ...crazy. This note is gone, just completely gone. Gone. That's... ...bad. Yes. Thank you for sharing with us. Hmm. We'll get any more juicy gossip. What's the economy looking like? Well... Yeah, that may be in the afternoon. Probably go into the sanitary area tomorrow morning. How come? Remembering Sunday, that's what we forget. Ah, of course, of course. Is it just me? I always feel dirty after the bacon, Lula. Yeah, me too. Look at that. No, I feel like I've been down a chimney. Ah, something's happened in town. Yeah, that is... ...not looking good for somebody. We have a visitor. What? Look outside our front door. Oh. Who's that guy? Something tells me he's not singing barrels. Let's go ask him. His name is Hildem. You know him? Yes. And he knows you and you and me. How exactly? Hilden Hope. News media executive. Oh, that's the guy that the opposition always wins about. Tap at the hopes, husband. The husband of the minister you saw. Minister of European affairs. Yes. Our earlier visitor alongside the PM. Why is he here? Because his wife was responsible for keeping the correspondence safe. She's on camera receiving it. And she lost it. Damage control. Exactly. Hello there, Hilden. Ah, I thought you'd all be tucked up in bed. Yet you still came calling at our door. Ha, yes. Well, important business. Isn't it just you? What's coming side, Hilden? Very much so. Dr. Watson. I'm not the biggest goal hanger fan, but I have to say I've been listening to... Ah! Are you okay? I just caught myself on your doorway there. Oh, deary me. Oh, may apologies. Let me see if I've got plaster or something upstairs. She doesn't know you're here. Does she? Hmm? Your wife. The minister for European affairs. Um, no. Tap at the... She doesn't know I'm here. She gets enough grief on my behalf. She couldn't possibly get bad press. Could she, Mr. Hope? You own the loudest... of the news media contributors? Ha, yes. Well, I think we'd all agree that there is now a... a smorgasbord of outnets for one's news and current affairs these days. Why are you here, Hilden? Of course. Yes, to the point. My best ideas come to me late at night. I'm thinking about showing the world what you guys are capable of. Hmm? Expose. There's so much good your team here does. National heroes, really, when you dive into it. Well, that's very kind, but you are aware that we're just going to go about our business as usual with this case. Why the British government came to us? We're not going to trade favors. No, yes, that's... admirable. Look, I'm concerned, Dr. Watson, about that thing. This? Mm-hmm. My microphone. Exactly. Our podcast presents the truth, Mr. Hope. Yes, but... And the truth is, the minister, your wife, was responsible for the note containing sensitive material. And she lost it. It was stolen. Lost her stolen? It doesn't mean she's any less responsible. I can... listen, listen, listen, listen. I can make a... We could do something really interesting with your operation here, don't you think? Coverage. Favorable coverage. Look, held in articles, pieces on what you guys do, the success stories, you know? Let's jump into the events of LC. Let's... I mean, how many people really know Silver Blaze was you guys, right? Not enough. In my opinion, think about articles. Then television, a book run. Why aren't your cases actually just best-selling books in their own right? Did you ever think of that? I mean, I do think of that, yeah. John, I'm just... I'm not entertaining, I'm just answering the question. Do you not feel, Mr. Hope, that with the scale of the issue at hand, the political reputation of Tabitha Hope is rather insignificant? No, obviously, absolutely. I know that. I know that, I know that, and that's my point. It is insignificant. It's cheap. It doesn't actually matter. Who was in possession of the note when it was misplaced? It could have happened to anyone in the cabinet. So, I think, a meeting it would be a sensible, necessary editorial decision on your part. Mr. Hope. Do you have a responsibility? She's... There's death threats. Death threatening to... do everything to her, to us. You think you can just go and just... just... just... pin this international crisis on her? She's already broken the confidentiality of the crisis by telling you. I'm her husband. I know when something is wrong, she told me after I insisted that I had to know. If this was a sophisticated move by an agent of her, hostile state, Mr. Hope, it could have been any minister, as you say. Exactly. Exactly. And if that is the case, our documentation of it will impart that very factuality. I assure you. I will speak to her team. The cabinet, her advisors, Akin Thorpe, Haley Childry, Edward Lucas. Things will come to light, and we will solve this case. There's not going to be a case. Excuse me? Don't ask how I know it. I just... I know it. I know things. There won't be one. Everything is in hand. The government will come to you in due course and assure you that the issue is no longer pressing. Your outlook is a little fanciful, Mr. Hope. Yes, well, mark my words. And... it is going to benefit everyone in this room if you sign this. No, no, no, no. Are you serious? Can we have a proper discussion? Please, miss. Would that be possible? Sorry? Just let's calm down. Okay? It's late. We don't even know what we're involved with yet. Hilden put the NDA away. We're not signing that. We don't do that. We're just having a conversation. Exactly. I don't sign things after conversations I have. I want to make this part clear. The offer of favorable coverage, it goes both ways. Do we... do we all understand that? Things could be favorable. Things could be unfavorable. Rather threatening, Mr. Hope. You don't know the meaning of the word Mr. Holmes. You should see the things they say to us. To me and my wife are public servant. On Twitter, in the streets, through our letterbox. You think this happens to the men in the cabinet? Those men in the cabinet, Mr. Hope. Do you think their wives are out blackmailing and threatening people to go easy on their husbands? Men don't get the same treatment. That's what I'm saying. Yes, they do. No, I'm afraid they do not. You're doing her a disservice. She's a big girl. She can handle the heat. And if she can? You don't know what you're talking about, okay? I don't see a ring on any finger in front of me. I can observe human nature too, right? You cannot blame a husband for trying to protect his wife. And if you do, then I'm telling you, you don't understand. You do not get it. I'm protecting her. That's all I'm doing here. I know that the press will see it that way anyway. They often see things the way they intend them to be seen. Don't they, Mr. Hope? Yes, they bloody well do. Something to bear in mind, Mr. Holmes. Stop! I am leaving, Mr. Holmes. Okay, Sherlock? We have other visitors. Yes. Somebody's on the roof. Sherlock? There's a sound from the front door. I need to get out. Hilden? A window. I need a pack window. Just calm down. Oh my god. What now? The office, Cameras. They're men in the office. What's going on? Can you get away from that window, please, Sherlock? Every night this week, Merello's cat has been right here on the windowsill. But not at this moment. Sherlock? He has been moved away. Sherlock? It would seem my friends. At the game, may well be a foot. Sherlock, look out! 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