My father is a PICKY EATER… and it might ruin my birthday! -r/survivinginfidelity | Reddit Stories | EP2663

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My mother pretty much shut it down immediately because she knows my father, 64 male, won't eat anything there. By the way, this comes from a deleted user. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash OK story time subreddit. I'm Dakota. I'm Angie. And we are here to give good advice, Goofley, or maybe not because we don't know everything. Hello. We only know some things. So let us know what the things that you know in the comments. Oh, he says, my father is your typical Appalachian American, a boomer man who loves his casseroles, meat and potatoes, no frills, no spice, no seasoning, except salt and pepper meals. The man won't even do garlic and food. He doesn't really do anything ethnic except for Tex-Mex and Chinese takeaway, where he always gets the same two dishes, Mugu guy, Pahn or choripoyo. I told my mother that I'm not willing to pick a different place as this happens every year. And I feel like my birthday dinner should be about what I want rather than what my father wants. Otherwise, there's no point in pretending we're celebrating my birthday. My mother understood my point, but her frustration comes from feeling like I'm intentionally being stubborn and leaving my father out, which isn't true. If I wanted to leave him out, I would have just not invited him. I told her that there's no reason he can't compromise just this once and either get some plain rice, a tangkatsu cutlet or teriyaki chicken, or even just eat before or after, like most people who tend to be on the picky side. She offered to just cook a meal at their house for everyone, which I declined, because I know it'll be a meal tailored for my father's tastes. And to put it kindly, she is not adept in the kitchen. This happens every year and just once, I don't want to just give in and go to the one Mexican restaurant in my hometown, so this man can get some choripoyo and rice. I'm at the point where I just want to uninvite them, go to the restaurant by myself with my siblings, and then just visit them afterwards and bring some cake. I know that would really hurt my mother, but I know there's no way she'd come to the dinner if my dad didn't want to eat at the restaurant. Comment one, you don't have to uninvite him or change it. You've invited him. He gets to decide if he comes or not. If he doesn't want to go because of the food, he won't go. You and your mom need to chill on trying to force other people to do exactly what you want. There's a reply that says exactly this. He decides to come or he doesn't. He can eat ahead of time and come for the celebration aspect, or he can put on his big boy pants and just order some teriyaki chicken or beef with rice. He can also order tempura stuff, which is basically just fried proteins and or veggies. It's not his birthday, it's yours. Why would the restaurant be chosen based on his likes? I feel like that reply was to a completely different comment. Comment two, is your dad argumentative about this? Have you tried just talking to him? O.P. replies, we don't really talk much. He's a man of few words and gets frustrated very easily. I'll probably chat with him after he gets off work. Comment three says, just don't be offended if he doesn't show up and if he doesn't show up in the future. We constantly have birthdays where my parents will eat because we're all adults and realize that being with family is more important than our selfish desire to be celebrated on a day that shouldn't be that important after you're above a certain age. Whoa! What's up with these comments? It's surprising to me that they're saying that a birthday shouldn't be important over a certain age versus like you shouldn't be that much of a picky ear over a certain age. Because that's where I was going. It's very common for teenagers and kids to be very picky eaters. But a full adult man, you feel like you should have more of an experimental mind at that point. It's just this guy's fully been conditioned. Remember this commenter is, quote, we constantly have birthdays where my parents will eat because we are adults and realize that being with family is more important than our selfish desire to be said. Hello, it's your parents selfish desire to just refuse to go to anywhere else besides the place they would want to go to. Yeah, that's the commenter that's just been manipulated by their parents and is like, well, this is how it should be, right? Yeah, opie replies to this comment. Wow. And I live like 30ish minutes from my parents' holler. So I see them a lot anyways. Comment 4 says, You want to for your birthday. Queen for a day and all that. If dad doesn't like the place you've chosen, he's free to stay at home. There's no reason for people's feelings to get hurt over catering or not catering to picky eaters. Opie says, I think that's why this situation bothers me a bit. Because I feel like asking for one special day isn't that much of an ask. I grew up with seven other siblings, so our birthdays are really the only time we get that special attention. And it would just be chill to have it be about me for once. There's a fifth comment. I don't think you should compromise. However, instead of your mom cooking a single meal, everyone can eat. Why not do something where everyone orders take out from their own preferred place and then eat that at home? That way your dad can eat his bland food with you while you eat Japanese. I don't think it's that much trouble to get food from two different restaurants. Opie says, I think it's a decent idea. Logistically, I'm not sure it would work just because we live in a more remote area. The Japanese place is like 40 or 50 minutes from the holler we grew up in. And the only restaurants in our town are the Mexican place, the Chinese takeaway, and a bar. It would just be a lot of a hassle to drive that far and then try to bring food back. And there's an update. I mean, yeah, whatever. What are we doing? I mean, and we don't even care at the end of the day if he shows up because all our siblings are showing up. But it's just like, yeah, don't let them convince you that you're being this selfish, like, jerk by not catering to your picky eater fathers like inept taste buds. Yeah, like he's literally the only one that doesn't want to eat there. Yeah. You don't need to be molded into his needs. It's not even like he has dietary restrictions, it seems. He just doesn't like it. I mean, I guess it's just a little baby. But hey, sometimes little babies, they learn to cry to get what they want. And there's an update. I had my birthday party at the Japanese restaurant with my seven siblings and it went really well. I ended up getting Shoyu Tunkatsu Ramen and Takoyaki. My parents ended up not going as my dad disliked Japanese food and didn't want to settle for any of the alternate menu options I suggested. I ended up just meeting up with them after dinner for cake. Mom made a chocolate chip fudge, bunt cake, and we had a nice board game night. It was nice. We played sequence Myrtle and some other games. What the heck is Myrtle? Congratulations on your birthday dinner. Happy freaking birthday, man. It seems like this wasn't really an issue at all. You solved it. There you go. I ended up celebrating my actual birthday this Monday with my boyfriend who took me out to eat and paid for a little shopping spree, which was just so sweet of him. My mother and siblings called me on my birthday to wish me well, but my dad never reached out. That's pretty normal though, as he usually forgets what day my birthday is, so I wasn't mad. A lot of editors commented that I would regret not compromising and spending my remaining birthdays with my father, which isn't true. After all, I grew up as a middle child with a lot of siblings and large families often mean you don't end up knowing your parents that well. They're cool, but we're not ultra close normally, so this wasn't a big deal that they didn't show. All in all, everything turned out well and there weren't any issues. And that's the end of that story. I bought my nephew a piano lesson and it sparked an argument with my sister-in-law. But he's so good at piano, it's crazy. I recently decided that I wanted to shift towards giving experience-based presents instead of material gifts, as kids seem to have so many toys already. Over the last couple of years, every time my nephew, who is six years old, is at my house, he always wants to play on my piano or asks me to play for him. By the way, this comes from TotalStock3171 and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r-slash-ok-storytime-subreddit. And I'm Angie. I'm Dakota. And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We just know what we would do in these situations, so let us know what you would do in the comments. An OP says, I thought it might be nice for his birthday to gift him piano lessons for a year at our local conservatory. I asked his parents if they were okay with this, offered to drive him to and from lessons, and gave him my extra keyboard for practice. I made it clear that I did not care if he lost interest after the year, but if he wanted to continue, I would continue paying the tuition. My main goal was to provide him an opportunity. He is the perfect age to start, and he genuinely seems to love music. Both parents said that they were okay with this gift prior to me giving it. Of course, my nephew was thrilled when he received the gift. However, after the party, I got a text from my sister-in-law basically telling me to back off. She said I had no right to infringe on how they want to raise their child or dictate what programs he participates in. She went further, saying that if I truly cared about the child's upbringing, I would buy tuition for skating lessons as they want him to play hockey. She added that because I do not have children, I had no business making decisions about their child's activities. I have not responded yet because I am unsure what to say and I am afraid of making things worse. I realized that I chose piano lessons because I am a musician and it is the world that I am familiar with, but I also considered how much my nephew enjoys playing the piano when he visits. I knew his parents wanted him to play hockey because they both did as kids, but I thought it would not hurt for him to explore multiple activities. Growing up, I did music, skating, swimming, ballet, field hockey, all at fairly high levels, which I felt contributed to being well-rounded. I also did not want to take away the parents' special moment of signing him up for hockey or skating themselves. I am wondering if I overstepped. I do not have children myself and I certainly was not trying to take anything away from them or push their trial down a particular path. And there is an edit, but yeah, I do not think you overstepped. I think you're totally fine. I think you should just re-approach it and be like, hey, I hear you, but I just want to get clear about where the miscommunication happened because I thought we had talked about this and you said it was okay. Yeah, I think that would be great. You don't need to be too defensive about it. You don't need to be aggressive at all. Just a simple question like that. Because it's like, okay, you've made it clear. You don't want me to sign your kid up for anything. Right. So I won't, but like, I just want to know why you said that it was cool and then change your mind. Yeah. There is an edit? Wow, there's a terrifying number of responses. Thank you all for taking the time to share your thoughts. I would not usually post, but I was deeply hurt and just needed to vent. For anyone curious, I will update once I talk with my brother tonight. There are some comments. Comment number one says, not the a-hole. You asked. They agreed. Now what? They're changing their minds. Why? What's really going on? That would be my reply message. I asked you this. You agreed with it. Now what has changed? Someone else responds, sister in law may have been hoping that OP didn't remember getting permission in advance and would feel guilty enough to pay for all the hockey gear and lessons and drive him back and forth. Someone else responds, I think the text was performative. It was written to show to her family. Comment two says, my guess is that he liked it better than any of his other presence and she feels sad and jealous. And it's one of those adults who doesn't have coping skills for their feelings. I feel like her son can probably direct her to a bluey episode that will help her. That's pretty good. Accurate. Yeah. Comment three says, not the a-hole. As a mother, I would be absolutely thrilled if someone was willing to pay for music lessons for my kid. Your nephew is clearly excited. It was thoughtful of you, especially how you offered to take him to and from the lessons and continue paying for them. That's huge. Also, you talked to them beforehand. I wonder if they privately had a conversation later changing their minds. Maybe they're feeling insecure that you would have such a momentous thing to bond over without them being really involved. Thus, the hockey. And there is an update, but yeah, I totally agree with those comments. Yeah, 100%. We do have an update. As promised, here is the update. I will not impose judgment. Just relay what happened. Fellow Redditors can make of it what they wish and we shall. I show my brother the text my sister-in-law sent me and expressed my confusion as they had both given consent for the gift. My brother seemed shocked and said that he did not know the message had been sent. He did, however, admit that there had been conversations between his wife and her family about the gift and the tone was not entirely kind. Remarks included you're allowing his aunt to pick his programming. Why aren't you putting him in what you want? Along with snarky comments about whistling and bringing cowbells to a recital. There were also raised eyebrows about the cost of the gift. I'm sorry, they were talking about sabotaging the child's piano recital as a dig at who? OP? Yeah, that would just like traumatize this kid and get him like just knock his confidence down in a young age. Well, these people just blew in from stupid town. Yeah, yeah. That's not what you do. Absolutely. You're gonna allow someone else to pick his programming? Yeah. It's not a computer. Right. So now we have the answer at least is that she just got like bullied by her family into into this. Yeah, we got her family sucks. That's the answer we got. That's the answer. My brother apologized for not stepping in and for allowing the family to speak that way about me. He is generally quiet and nonconfrontational, which explains but does not excuse his inaction. I told my brother that I do not want to cause problems for him and his family and suggested that if they wanted, we could reduce the number of lessons to from six to eight. It felt wrong to take the lessons away completely. My brother, who is a high level athlete, but also played piano until he was 16, refused the reduction and said that he had no problem with the full year. He noted that his son was already talking about the lessons and asking when they would start. He agreed with the philosophy that if you're going to try something, you should have the discipline to see it through for an entire year. Yeah. And not to mention it's like this. This happened because OP was like, yeah, I saw how much he liked the piano at my place. It was totally based on his reaction. Not even like her just trying to be a some sort of parent. Yeah, she's not scheming like, yes, and I will make him fall in love with the piano and he will never play hockey. Yeah. Yeah. That's ridiculous. I told him I did not want this to become an ongoing issue and then I was happy to move on as long as everyone else was okay with it. Within a couple hours, my brother sent the registration confirmation. For context, I had E transferred the entire tuition to the parents prior to the registration, which they accepted, but they still needed to complete the registration form. He sent the confirmation in the group message with his wife and me and added only that his son will treasure this gift, which honestly made up for the anxiety and hurt that I had felt. It is now crickets from my sister-in-law, but I'm letting it go. We may need to discuss it in person eventually, but once things cool off and that is the end of that story. I refused to travel for my sister's wedding because I'm pregnant. He does add some complications. Yeah. My sister is getting married overseas, which would involve a eight and a half to nine hour flight. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I told her I wouldn't be able to attend. I didn't make the decision lightly. I am very risk averse and my baby's safety is my top priority. She was understandably upset at the time and asked me to keep thinking about it, but I said I had and that I didn't want to take the risk. By the way, this comes from user naturalstaff5575 and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay story time subreddit. I'm Dakota. I'm Angie. And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We only know what we would do. So just let us know what you would do if you do something different in the comments and O.P. says now the wedding is less than a month away. And for the past two months, every time my husband is about to book his ticket, my mom and sister call and try to convince me to come each time. I've said no. The thing is I want to be there for my sister. I love her and I know her wedding will be beautiful. But I'm genuinely scared of air travel while pregnant, especially long haul. At the time of the wedding, I'll be around 29 to 30 weeks pregnant. My sister asked me to speak to my doctor, which I did. My doctor said flying itself is generally fine, but the bigger risk is being stuck in a country I don't know. Well, if something goes wrong, he gave examples of patients who traveled late in pregnancy and ended up unexpectedly giving birth and being stuck overseas for months. While I'm currently low risk, that uncertainty really scared me. I explained all of this to my sister and thought she understood, but she keeps trying to problem solve it away. Saying I'd only come for two days and that insurance would cover things and then I could fly business class, etc. She's an anesthetist, so she strongly believes everything will be fine. I hope she's right, but I'm still terrified. What hurts is that when my husband tried to book his ticket yesterday, my mom and sister got angry at me and told him to wait because I might change my mind. The pressure is building and I'm starting to wonder if I should just go to stop the stress and the constant conversations. Even though I don't feel safe or comfortable doing so. Don't do that. Don't do that. You just say, I'm not willing to take the risk that I give birth overseas and then get stuck there for however long. Right. Because then also it's like then stress too from that whole situation could cause complications in the pregnancy. Right. And it's very possible that you could have it premature, I think. Right. If you get stressed enough, it's like that could actually prompt you to release the baby. It'd be like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yeah, and you don't want that. So let's not do it. I know I'm anxious and risk averse, but I also know I feel safest staying where I am close to my health care and support system. I'm scared for myself and my baby yet I feel incredibly guilty for missing such an important moment in my sister's life. So am I the a-hole for standing my ground and not going even though my sister really wants me there. There's an edit here. It is a destination wedding and that's fine. If it makes my sister happy, I'm happy for her. She lives 10 minutes from me, but she planned this a long time ago and she can't change anything. Although I know she would if she could. The wedding will be in the Philippines. Shout out, Keon. Thank you to everyone who commented. I understand some people have traveled with no issues and some have experienced problems, but it's about how I feel in the end. Thank you for helping me see this. The first time my husband was booking his ticket, I happened to be on the phone with my sister and that's when she started getting angry with me. She said before he books his ticket, I must let her know or she'll be mad at me forever. At this point, we're just going to get his ticket and hope she won't be too upset with me. I suggested my husband not go because they keep delaying it by getting upset and this made them even more upset. What do you want? I know what you want, but what do you actually want because I'm not going. I can't go. So what do you want? Come on. I would feel better if he were with me, but their reaction was worse, so he is going for both of us, which is okay. I'm just going to say no and that's my answer. She doesn't need the reasoning. I'm pregnant is enough. I'm feeling really conflicted and could use some outside opinions and we do have an update. I think all you can do is just stand firm and be like, look, if you guys got to just respect my decision, you know? I'm having a baby. That's my priority number one. There is a higher than 0% probability that I might end up giving birth to my baby in a foreign country if I go to your wedding at 30 weeks pregnant. So I'm just not going to do it. I wonder too how these conversations are being had because I wonder if OP just needs to reassure the sister that I would love to go. I want to be there to support you. Maybe we can do something else to celebrate. Yeah, ahead of time. Maybe something for us. I wonder if maybe she just needs more reassurance because the sister might not feel like she's cared about in this situation. It is a crazy thing to be like, oh, you're concerned about your pregnancy. You're prioritizing your pregnancy. It's like, yeah, dude, I am. I'm essentially 10 weeks out from the due date at that point. Yeah, and then that's also like if you do have a premature birth, then that's like a complication. And you're like, yeah, I want to be in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar hospitals and unfamiliar doctors when I have a pregnancy complication. That's crazy. But we have an update. Update, things escalated today. Oh no, my sister messaged both my husband and me separately about a good flight she found for the two of us. And she wanted to book it today. My husband was at work, but replied, letting her know that I wasn't going to change my mind. And that this situation has been causing me a lot of stress, which isn't good for me or the baby. She then called me. At first, she said, it's okay, you aren't coming. I felt an enormous sense of relief and thanked her. But unfortunately, that didn't last. Because she then started listing everything she's done for me in the past and said I couldn't even do one simple thing for her. I didn't want to argue or make things worse, so I kept apologizing and told her her wedding would still be beautiful and amazing regardless. And that upset her further. She said everyone was disappointed in me and that she would never forget this and said several other things that felt very personal and hurtful. She then said, I mostly stayed quiet, apologized again and calmly repeated that I wasn't going to change my mind. One comment that really hurt was when she said, what if something worse happens where you are and nobody is there? Then you'll regret that and you should regret that. That was extremely upsetting to hear. Especially while anxious and while pregnant and already anxious. Yeah, like low keys. She's like, yeah, well, you know what? I kind of hope something bad happens to you and then you'll learn your lesson that you should have gone to my wedding. Yeah. That's insane. Pretty gross, dude. It's like, well, great. Now my husband just won't come to your wedding. He'll be with me. Yeah, that's it. Oh, good point. I'll cancel my husband's flight. That way he can be here with me. Thanks for pointing that out. God, that, she's totally the A-hole. OP doesn't need to apologize for anything. Yeah, we're fully in A-hole territory now. Totally. We weren't before, but we are now. Yep. I responded by saying that at least where I am, I have my hospital, doctors and support system close by. Still, the implication that I would deserve regret if something went wrong felt cruel and has been weighing heavily on me since. After the call, I felt absolutely awful. I'm really sad about how she reacted and how things were said. I love my sister and part of me feels like she just needed to vent her frustration, but it still hurt a lot. At this point, I know I need to rip the band-aid off and just book my husband's ticket. I also know that once I do, there will likely be anger directed at me again, but my decision is made. I'm devastated to disappoint her, but I truly believe I'm doing what's best for my baby and myself. I'm trying to accept that I can't control her reaction and all I can do is hold my boundary and send my love even though I'm heartbroken about how this is played out. Everyone in the comment section is right. I just need to move on. I don't want to stress and impact the baby, so I'm trying not to think about it as much as possible. And that is the end of that story. My family ignored my plans and I feel like nobody cares about me. Why doesn't anybody care about me? I, 35, female am a recovering people pleaser. This year has been rough, but I have also experienced a large amount of growth and I am trying to lean into what feels right for me. Good. I'm currently going through a separation from my children's father, 5 male and 17 month male. By the way, this comes from KateCat369 and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay story time subreddit. And I'm Angie. I'm Dakota. And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We just know we would do in these situations. So let us know what you do in the comments. And OP says, I live about 60 miles from my parents and my sister and my brother lives more than eight hours away. My brother 34 male has his had his first daughter earlier this year and asked us to spend Thanksgiving with them. Originally, I was going to ask to host Thanksgiving because I wasn't sure how the holidays would play out with my ex, but I ended up taking the boys. So we made the trip down. It was a lot of time in the car for the kids, but I'm truly glad we made it down for them to meet their cousin and for everyone to be together. When Thanksgiving was finalized back in October, I sent out a message asking to host Christmas Eve because that was the only day that I had my kids. This message was ignored. I am exchanging them with my ex on Christmas Eve so they can make a trip down to see his family. It's not ideal, but unfortunately that's the way it is this year. My sister, 31 female, bought a house at the end of November and generally sees her husband's family on Christmas Eve. Before they closed on the house, she asked to host Christmas Eve. I explained my reasons for wanting to host, but they were mainly overlooked or met with logistical ideas for ways to fix the issues. It's not ideal, but ultimately I made the decision to go to her house on Christmas Eve. It means more time in the car for my kids, usually an hour and a half trip without traffic, but it can be upwards of three hours. And I will have to leave fairly early, but it was pretty much made out to be that if I don't go, my kids won't see my family at all for Christmas this year. Generally, my family does a secret Santa, but this year they decided on white elephant. When my mom sent out the message saying we'd exchange on Christmas Day, I said that I would like to host Christmas Day at my house. This was again met with gripe, this time from my brother saying it would be a lot because they are leaving the day after Christmas and it's a lot of time in the car for his daughter, which is valid. I completely understand the realities of traveling with small kids. However, his daughter will be flying up with his wife, so there will be less time in the car. And I also offered for them to stay here because I'm actually closer to his house and it would lessen his drive by an hour. I know packing and unpacking with kids is a pain, but being that my youngest is only a year older than his daughter and he will be with his dad. I have a lot of what my niece would need and she could sleep in my son's crib. We had a discussion where I was very clear this Christmas is going to be hard for me without my kids and I want to be grounded and being home is where I feel most grounded. Once I made my decision, I also sent a note to my parents explaining that I would be staying home for Christmas. Anyone who wants to come is welcome, but I need this Christmas to be easier on me since I am already grieving not having my children. Once again, I was met with crickets. I was texting with my uncle and he was asking what my kids want for Christmas. I also mentioned how hard that day would be for me and he mentioned that the logistics of Christmas Eve didn't make sense to him. He then mentioned that if there was a good Chinese food restaurant in my area, he and I could recreate the scene from a Christmas story. I found one and made a reservation. All of this with my family was really weighing on me. I felt like in a year I needed people, they weren't showing up. So I sent a message about a week ago just laying out how I feel. How this is a really tough year for me. My kids will be doing a lot of traveling between Thanksgiving, then my family on Christmas Eve and my ex's family on Christmas Day. Once again, I was met with surface level empathy and more logistical solutions. A few days later, my mom asked if we had decided on Christmas. I said, as I have said before, I want to be home. It was then brought up that my uncle mentioned to my sister going to the Chinese restaurant. Now, yes, maybe I should have reached out to ask if anyone wanted to come, but I had already said multiple times that I wanted to be home and was met with crickets. My brother got upset that I was making plans with just me and my uncle. I made it very clear to anyone who wanted to come was welcome and I would update the reservation. He then asked where the restaurant was and if I was open to finding somewhere more in the middle. I said no, but what are your thoughts on all this? I don't know. It just seems like everyone's being very like not understanding to you. This is going to be really rough for me and I just want it to be as not rough as possible. So I'm staying home and anyone who wants to come here can come. And yeah, we're going to get Chinese food and anyone who wants to come can come. But it's going to be at that restaurant. Yeah. I feel like understanding OP's usual family dynamics would help in this situation. Like is it the kind of thing where this family is just very like logical and kind of ignores emotions with problems? Or are they usually pretty sympathetic? Because if it was the first one, then I would be like, guys, come on, please understand emotions. Not everything needs to be the most logical, efficient thing. Maybe it's that maybe OP's family thinks they are to blame for the separation. And so that's why they're not very sympathetic. Oh, that's a theory right there. To be honest, we didn't really hear anything about why. We didn't. So if the separation is because someone did a little dastardly deed, maybe that's why your family is like, God, so you ruined it and now you need special attention. Yeah. Because yeah, I feel like I need more information because part of me does feel like, well, I mean, I get that it would be hard, but I guess I just don't really know the extent of it. And I feel like it makes more sense that like the driving with the kids for so long for Christmas Eve, that would be harder to do. But then I also think that like if your brother is eight hours away and you're expecting him to just come all that way, just because like you want to be home for Christmas. Like, I don't know if that's something that I would prioritize over like the eight hour drive. Yeah. And honestly, I just think it'd be cooler if your family was like, all right, okay, you want an easy Christmas. You don't want to, you know, because it's there's a lot going on. Yeah. Equanimous. And if you're like, hey, you just need it to be calm and you need to send yourself, that's okay. We're not going to take that personally because clearly you're going through something. Yeah. Yesterday I got a text from my sister saying that she and her husband are going to stay home for Christmas. She was upset with how things played out and felt overlooked and uncomfortable. Then my mom said that she and my dad would be getting brunch with my brother and his family in the morning and then come to me for dinner. Now I feel like an A-hole. I can admit I probably didn't go about the reservation the right way, but honestly, I said multiple times that I wanted to be home and I was ignored. Am I the A-hole? And there are some comments. Comment one says not the A-hole. You're not asking for anything unreasonable. You're asking for compassion during a really painful transition. You're already bending over bending over backwards for Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve and it's okay to draw a line somewhere. Wanting to be in your own home, especially on a day you won't even have your kid is completely valid. The fact that your family responded with silence instead of empathy says more about them than you. Comment number two says not the A-hole. Maybe being together on Christmas Eve should be enough. And then y'all go your separate ways on Christmas Day or your parents could take turns. You did nothing wrong. Your requests were ignored and I don't know why you didn't get them on the phone and ask why they were ignoring the texts. Do that. Stop this texting nonsense. Take care and I'm sorry you were going through this. And that's the end of that story. Hey, this is Riley, your favorite Southern Belle. We're going to get back to these stories, but here's three minutes worth of ads from our sponsors. Indeed presents. Highers you can't afford to get wrong, like payroll manager. Hi, I was just checking my pay slip and it's all in Japanese yen. Yes, you're welcome. Sorry? Given the exchange rate between the pound and the yen, you're technically a millionaire now. Don't spend it all in one place. I can't really spend it anywhere. This is a job for sponsored jobs. This is what happens when you don't sponsor your job on Indeed. So the next time you need someone to get the job done right, get matched with quality candidates with an Indeed sponsored job. Visit Indeed.com slash Next hire and sponsor your job today. Crisp, vibrant and bursting with citrus. Villamiria's New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc is the perfect wine, made to be enjoyed on every occasion. Whether you're soaking up the sun in your garden, hosting a backyard barbecue, or unwinding after a long day, the zesty lime and lush tropical fruits are always delicious. Trivillamiria Sauvignon Blanc, a vibrant New Zealand wine that's perfect for every occasion. Available at all good wine retailers. My father called my little brother a mistake, so I took him away from them. That made my jaw drop to the floor. My 23 female little brother, 13 male, is the smileiest boy ever. He's extremely cheeky and talks a lot. He also gets into a lot of trouble at school. Not too bad. It's usually just your son keeps interrupting class. Your son doesn't listen to instructions. Your son is very loud on the bus. Your son may be a bit distracting at times. Like I said, not too bad. My dad 45 male says otherwise. By the way, this comes from throwaway 1828292. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay story time subreddit. I'm Carly and I'm Savannah and we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We only know what we would do. Let us know what you would do in the comments. As OP says, My dad and brother don't have the best relationship. In fact, they seem to argue every day. I think it's because my brother isn't the ideal son my dad wanted. Bro is an art kid. Dad is a typical sports guy. I know it isn't right to take sides, but my dad is being a bit much with my brother. He's a good kid just with a lot of energy. He gets good grades too. So there isn't really much my dad can use against him. Two days ago, my brother got into trouble at school again. Apparently he was talking while the teacher was talking and when asked to leave the classroom, he refused. I definitely think there is something else that isn't being revealed because my brother doesn't do that. He'd crack a joke or two, but he wouldn't just swear at a teacher for no reason. My brother hates it when people swear. My dad didn't care if the situation seemed odd. Nope, not at all. He just picked him up from school and shouted at him. According to my mom, my dad called him a mistake. A headache and a sorry excuse for a son. He also made comments about whether he was straight and asked him why he looked like a girl. Then to top it all off, he threw away my brother's favorite sketchbook. I went over immediately, tried to talk to him. On the first day, my dad refused to let me in. My brother left me on red when I texted him and didn't answer any of my calls. I went back again yesterday and the whole time my brother stayed in his room and refused to talk to me. He didn't go to school or anything either. He just stayed in his room all day. I tried talking to him earlier today again, but he just ignored me. I asked my parents why he isn't going to school. He wasn't suspended or anything. Then my mom just shrugged and said that dad would deal with it. She also said that he wasn't talking to anyone, so I shouldn't worry too much. Now my mom's getting on my nerves too. This is literally my last resort. I desperately need advice on how I can get my brother to talk to me. I need him to see that I'm there for him and that I love him and that he isn't a mistake. But I just don't know how. We have some comments. Commenter one says, Also, I'm wondering if he has ADD or ADHD. Could explain his behavior. Not that it's bad or anything, but could be why he's so chatty all the time. Also, kids with this condition can also be very sensitive to criticism and their self-confidence can be very fragile. OP responds, I don't believe he has ADD or ADHD. I asked my aunt as well and she doesn't think he has either as well. Thank you though. I think, like someone else commented, he just gets bored really easily. Obviously his behavior isn't the best, but it's really not that big of a deal. Like I said, he's a good kid. A deleted commenter says, Even if he has ADHD, he'd still be a good kid. OP said, Of course he would. No doubt about it. I just mentioned that his behavior isn't bad enough for my dad to shout at him so much. And also, even if he was a bad kid, which obviously he's not, I still don't ever think that that's reason to say those horrible things to a kid. Oh no, not at all. Like no matter what they do, You still never say that. Yeah, it's just like how could you? Like to your own flesh and blood, to just say like, you aren't meant to be a part of this family. You don't tell anybody that's just awful. OP replying to a big comment, My mom is pretty weak, but she would always stand up for me when I was younger and my dad got mad. So I have no clue as to why she's acting so odd. Heck, my dad wasn't ever this bad to me. I was worried about him not eating as well, but my mom reassured that she's keeping him fit. I don't really believe her, but I'm going back in an hour or two to talk to my brother again. Thanks for your input. Another commenter says, It's not wrong to take sides. You should take sides. Your brother's side. He is a 13 year old boy who's been fish slapped in the fave by his own stupid a-hole of a father. Tell your father he's a wanker and your brother that you love him exactly how he is and that you'll try everything to keep him safe and happy because he's a great brother. OP says, I did tell my dad he was being an a-hole, but he just rolled his eyes and continued to insult my brother. I've texted my brother, etc. just to tell him that I love him and that he's absolutely perfect the way he is. I know he's read them. I just hope that will be enough until I go over in some time. OP replying to a deleted comment, Yeah, I've made it really clear to my parents about whose side I'm on. I texted my brother those exact words from him. As for him coming over, it's completely possible. My friend, also roommate, is pretty well off and space isn't an issue. Plus, it won't be super awkward considering my brother knows her pretty well. I plan on asking if he wants to stay with me. Bless you. I plan on asking if he wants to stay with me for a bit. Hopefully I'm able to see him tonight. Another commenter says, They literally told him he wasn't wanted and in an accident. OP says that's the thing though, he wasn't. I remember my mom and dad saying they wanted another baby. Very clearly. I was around 10 years old when he was born. The only thing wrong with my brother is that he doesn't do sports. That's it. His constant chattering isn't even that big of an issue for my parents, if I'm being honest. A deleted commenter says, Your parents are harmful. Not letting you in the house. Throwing his sketchbooks, calling him slurs. This is mistreatment. Protect your brother from it. Please. They are the worst kind of human beings. OP says they were never as bad with me. So I guess I never saw it as harmful. I'm going to do my very best to get him out of the house. I don't care if my parents get mad or my brother ignores me. I will make sure I talk to him or at least see him tonight. Thanks for the advice. The baddest patzy says, Yeah, a lot of the time you don't recognize mistreatment when it happens to you, either though, for a bunch of reasons. One is that you always know or hear of someone else who has it worse and it makes what you go through feel trivial. Another is your parents literally define what is normal reality to you. Another is that a lot of very harmful parents are really adept at hiding it by toying with your mind. They'll talk crap about real abuse. They know often their own parents who did it worse or talk other crap about normal families being all Nambi Pambi and raising weak spoiled kids. And the main one is they convince you it's all of your fault. OP says, Wow, thank you for the information, but they truly weren't ever harmful to me. I used to have issues with my weight, but my parents helped me through it. If I failed a class in high school, they would come from me instead of getting mad. They weren't perfect, but they were genuinely good parents. I think something switched in the last few years after certain issues with extended family, but how they were with me honestly doesn't matter. They are being harmful, negligent towards my little brother, and that is all that matters. We have an update three days later, but I mean, I think that OP, like this is obviously like something that your parents need to work on. And I think it is like a studio mode. Yeah, I think OP, you are doing the right thing and trying to get your parents to, you know, like, well, not trying to get your parents to do anything, but you trying to remove your, you know, not son. OP, I think that you are doing the right thing and trying to get your brother out of that toxic situation because I do feel like it is, it is very toxic for him to stay in that and to listen to all of this. And I don't know if honestly it could get any better because that is a hard thing to just come back from. To like being like you are an accident, you are unwanted. Like that is hard to just, you know, no matter what age you are, you could be 13, you could be 32, you could be 75. Like that is just a hard thing to hear as a person, as a human being. And so I just think I don't know how he is supposed to bounce back from that, but I think the first thing is removing him from the house would be like the first step. I agree. Update three days later, my brother is fine. He looked absolutely horrible and was a complete mess, but he was alright. I went over last night and my mom let me in. I explained to her that my brother, we will call him Nicky, could stay with me for a while. She was easily convinced. My dad just told me to make sure Nicky doesn't ruin my life to which I responded to with a big eff you. Well, he was kind of stunned, but whatever, I absolutely hate him right now. I took everyone's advice and basically told Nicky that I was here for him. I told him that I loved him and that my dad was a major a-hole. I told him that I'd buy him more art supplies if he'd like and I told him that he could stay with me for a while. It took some time, but my brother unlocked the door and basically just sobbed in my arms. It was probably the most heartbreaking moment of my life. My brother just kept crying and crying and all my parents did was roll their eyes. As of right now, he's fast asleep at my place and we're going to go shopping for stuff later. He'll also go back to school after the weekend. Oh my god, though. That's so heartbreaking. So heartbreaking. Yeah, the fact that he's like breaking down and they're like, ugh, like this again. Shut up. There's a horrible parents. Yeah, there is obviously something troubling this kid, which like outside of like, you know, everything that happened with the parents, there has to be like, you know, other things maybe with school. Like maybe there's like bullying situations or something like that, you know, he's also dealing with because it like this is just crazy to think that like, you know, and also for them to like not take him to school and just be like, whatever. Yeah. Yeah, it's just like why? And like you said, you wanted this kid and now you're making him feel like it's his fault. That's crazy. Yeah. That like gives me chills and like makes me angry. We got a little bit left. And some people asked if he was in the closet or had ADHD. And to that, all I have to say is that if he was a part of the LGBT community or if he did have ADHD, I would still love him all the same. I told him that as well. Less directly, obviously. And he just smiled. He was pretty exhausted last night. As his older sister who raised him ever since he was a little baby, these past few days were really tough, but they were much harder on my brother. He is definitely going to be staying with me for a while. And although I can't guarantee anything, I have school and work, I'll try my absolute hardest to protect him from my parents. Thank you to everyone who gave advice and supported. And thank you so much for worrying about Nikki. I really appreciate it. We have some final comments. Top FM says, I am not a violent person, but I want to knock your father's teeth out. You did good. Another commenter says, I'm not either, but I would be waiting in line. Another commenter says, my dad told me with venom when I was 17 that I have a black heart and I'll never change. He went on about why I would even pretend to be a good person when I'm obviously not. He was angry about something so small and unimportant. The next day he apologized by saying, I'm sorry you got upset. I'm now in my 30s and I will never forget what he said. I can honestly say that those few words changed my life. It took me a long time to get out of the depression that followed and to learn to love and accept myself. My dad and I have a decent relationship now, but I don't love him. I'm really, really sorry for your brother. He needs to know that your dad is a liar and that he is wanted and loved. And one last commenter says, practical advice. Document, document, document. Keep all receipts and document the story with as many corroborating details as you can. It is better to have this ready in case your parents try to lose their venom on you than to have to scramble. I can visualize them calling the cops or protective services saying you kidnapped him. He is very lucky to have you in his life. Please keep being the wonderful person you are. That is the end. Yeah, I agree to keep a record of everything because these parents sound like they'd be ventral terrible people. And that's the end of this story. We're going to go to the next one. I want to revoke my sister-in-law's party invitation because she doesn't change. You can't come anymore. For context, I am 27 female and my sister-in-law is 32 female. I will call her Sarah. We do not get along. We were very close at one point, but two years ago, my brother and Sarah got into a very heated argument that escalated. By the way, this comes from a non-Pymon. A non-Pymon. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash ok story time subreddit. I am Savannah. I'm Carly. And we are here to give some good advice goofily, but obviously we don't have all the answers. We'd only tell you what we would do in this situation, but we'd love to know what you would do in this situation in the comments. As OP says, she asked for my opinion and I told her she was wrong. After that, she threatened me and I have not spoken her since. She has since moved back to her hometown and I look after her daughter, who is 11 female, while she attends a private school in my city. I am hosting a Christmas dinner this year and everyone except Sarah was invited initially. Later, my brother told me that she would be alone for the holidays. The thing to note about Sarah is that she is very self-absorbed. She is only nice to you if you agree with her all the time and take her side even when she is wrong. She would gaslight you even if you have evidence. She essentially has no friends because of this and her family no longer speaks to her. It felt bad given our past relationship and said she could come as long as she agrees to be civil at all times. Recently, however, her daughter had a Christmas party. I bought her a cute and appropriate outfit that suits her style and she was very excited to wear it. Sarah called her and asked to see what she would be wearing. When she saw the outfit, she instantly became upset and told her she could not wear it. Her daughter insisted that it was what she wanted to wear and when Sarah realized her daughter was not going to listen, she stated if you want to look like a grandma and go to your party, fine. And quickly hung up on her daughter. I was upset because instead of being understanding of her daughter's opinions, she chose to insult her and hang up. This also showed me that over the past few years, Sarah is still the same. I no longer want her to come to the dinner. My mom has stated that it would be a knucklehead move. I am wondering if I would be the a-hole to rescind my invitation. I don't think that you'd be the a-hole to take away the invitation, but I also would lean slightly to the side of like, can we just put up with her for one more event and then just not invite her to future one? Yeah, because I feel like rescinding it could cause more drama with the whole family than like just dealing with her one more time could be. But she also sounds annoying. Yeah, no, she sounds like a nightmare. She does sound like very self-absorbed, cares about herself, whatever. I guess it would for me come down to like, would she ruin her 11-year-old's day? In which case, yeah, then maybe you consider it for like the sake of the kids and stuff. Yeah, and plus it seems like nobody really likes her. And like, she kind of did this to herself. So like, wreak the consequences of your own actions. Commenter one says, Mom is right, it wouldn't be good to rescind based upon the conversation she had with her own daughter. You would be the a-hole. That being said, if you called the mom and had a conversation about her making the daughter feel bad about her outfit and that conversation turned ugly and mom got belligerent, you could use that as a reason to uninvite her. OP responds, thanks for responding. Your approach does seem more reasonable. I may just try that first. Commenter two says, Ask the daughter how she feels about her mom coming. OP responds, after her disagreement with her mom, she doesn't want to be around her right now, but I know she'll want her around for the holidays itself. OP clarifies on the relationship with her sister-in-law and what the issue, and what was the issue that caused OP and sister-in-law to stop speaking with each other. OP says, This is my brother's wife. Commenter three says, Ooh, well, you shouldn't say that. That makes sense why anyone would be mad at that. What? Wow, and we invited her to... why? Yeah, she wanted me to take her side, but I told her what she was doing was wrong if she wanted to save her marriage. She threatened me that I would never see her daughter again and that she better not ever see me by chance insinuating she would hurt me, I suppose. Commenter three says, So does niece live with you or you watch her when brother is at work or what? I would just tell your brother and let him deal with it. She's going to be a problem, no doubt about it. OP says, She lives with me right now. My brother works overseas. Sad to say this, but my brother is a bit of a doormat. He tends to take his wife's side to appease her over his daughter's side. Commenter four says, So you raise your niece, neither your brother or her mom have custody? How often do they see her? OP responds, They have custody of their daughter. I look after her because I live closest to the private school she attends. Her mom moved back to her hometown because she opened a business there and her dad works in another country. Commenter five says, She threatened me that I would never see her daughter again and that she better not ever see me by chance insinuating she would hurt me, I suppose. From the OP's comment, That puts a different spin on things. I probably tell your niece that it is her decision whether her mom comes to Christmas. If she wants to include her, you'll be civil and polite as long as she conducts herself accordingly. But, If at any time niece wants her to leave, all she has to do is tell you. That is a lot to put on an 11 year old, but it also gives her choice. OP responds, Honestly, I think you're right. I'll have to reach out to her mom first and set some boundaries regarding the dinner and talk with my niece after. Thanks for your comment. This is OP on if her brother is actually divorcing his wife since sister-in-law moved back to her hometown. OP responds, No, they are still together and it doesn't seem like they'll be getting a divorce anytime soon. I'm not sure if she still talks to the affair partner. My brother is the one who wanted me to invite her to the dinner. She would have stayed with my grandmother, but I'm sure she just threatened me out of anger. She tends to do that and helps everyone moves on from the harsh things she says without ever apologizing for it. Will OP's niece go live with her mother full time if sister-in-law decides to come and pull her daughter from the private school? OP responds, Thank you for your response. Thankfully, my niece's parents have an agreement that she should graduate before she goes back to live with her mom full time. No, the daughter is with me because I live closest to the private school she is attending. The mother lives about three hours away from the school. The parents have an agreement that she will not be pulled out of school by either of them. And there is an update. I hope I am updating correctly after reading everyone's comments. I made the decision to simply talk to Sarah. Good. I called her last night. I didn't mention anything about the conversation she had with her daughter and instead kept the call focused on the dinner and my expectations. I told her that I understand we hadn't talked in about two years, but I wanted to clear the air if we were going to be around each other for the holidays. I explained that I was hoping to have an uneventful holiday surrounded by the people closest to me. I even said I would be happy to have her over because it would make her daughter very happy. That's so nice. Yeah, she phrased that great. I know that this makes me uncomfortable, but if it's going to do good for your daughter, then that's fine with you. Very mature mindset. Love that. Guys, I do not know where communication got twisted, but she got so upset. What? What? No. I also saw that coming. Yeah, I also saw that coming, but I was off. I really thought that Opie got her. I hope he did great, but if his girl does suck. Yeah, this lady is just a freak. I am also very proud of myself for having recorded the phone call so she can't twist my words or anything like that. She went on a full rant saying she did so much for me and my family and that we should have been understanding of her talking about her affair here at LOL. What? How are you justifying an affair? You should be grateful about my affair, actually. Yeah, you guys should put my side and still talking to him. It's like your brother that I'm cheating on. Girl, you had an affair. I went up to it. Yeah, what? Trying to like make everyone pity you or like feel bad. Like that's crazy. Wild behavior. What is this lady? Mind you, she's the one that dragged us into her drama back then because she was hoping we would have her back. Support her affair. Which who would do that? We tend to stay out of their marriage drama unless it concerns their daughter. Anyway, she uninvited herself. She said she was offended I would call her and make her feel like a bad person for bringing up the past. I mentioned nothing about the affair LOL. There is some more, but- Well, prom solved. She said I just won't come. Yeah, she sounds like a freaking nightmare. Sounds terrible. She sounds like no matter what you do, no matter if it's like proven in evidence or not or opinion, it's all just gonna like fall back on someone else. Be like, I don't know why you guys aren't taking my side with my bad behavior. And she's a stinky cheater. Yeah, so, I don't know, I got a little bit left. She said she didn't want to be around us anyway. That my brother was the one who wanted her there, which is a lie since he had sent me a screenshot of her asking to be invited because I didn't believe him when he said she wanted to be with us for the holiday. I didn't mention this to her and just said, Okay, take care before hanging up. That is the end of my little saga. Thank you to everyone who commented yesterday. I'm glad I took this approach because if I had simply uninvited her, I would have been second guessing myself the entire time wondering if she had changed at all. A little naive thinking, but I'm okay with this outcome. Have a happy and safe holiday, everyone. That is the end of this story. Well, well, well, well, looks like it's off. Yeah, looks like she just decided to do her own thing once again and be on her own. That's what she likes to be. Then cool. Yeah, go do it then. Yeah, cool. If you want to be miserable, go ahead. Just leave us out of it. And that's the end of this story. We're going to go to the next one. Hey, it's Dakota, your favorite goofball host here. And we're going to get back to the stories, but here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors. KFC. Available until the 19th of April. Subject to availability. Participating restaurants only. Excludes delivery. Full season seas at koc.co.uk. I discovered my brother and best friends' relationship that they hid for months. Whoa, what? What you hot in there, bro? My brother, 44 male and I, 36 female, didn't always have the best relationship growing up. But in the last few years, we got closer, especially after we lost both our parents and all our other closest family members. By the way, this comes from throwawayaway678678. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay, storytime subreddit. I'm Carly and I'm Savannah. And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We only know what we would do. So let us know what you would do in the comments. As OP says, the last one was our mother in 2023, which was the hardest because she was a wonderful, loving human being. She was not just our mother, but our friend. In that period, I also started therapy because I suffer from depression. And after losing her, I was at a new low and knew I needed help. After that, we kept close contact. We messaged each other daily. He called me every day on his way home from work. And we tried to do lunch or dinner together every Sunday or so. Come spring 2025, my brother started to be more distant. He didn't call me as much, maybe once a week or less, and he didn't come around on a frequent basis. We still messaged every day and I knew he was busy with work, so I gave him his space. He's a person who sometimes needs to be left alone, and I've learned not to push, but to just be there for him. I sometimes invited him to do things like going somewhere or eating with me or with me and my friends. He rarely accepted, to the point of not coming to my birthday dinner, but sometimes he did. In September, we had a bad fallout. I had the old family dog Rocky with me. Years ago, my brother proposed splitting expenses for him because he was also his, and I agreed. In the meantime, I got another dog, Luna, to keep Rocky company. She had to learn to pee outside, so I had to buy lots of pee pads for the house. In those last months, Luna learned to pee outside, but Rocky was very old, 17 years, and started to pee in the house, especially at night. Since I was now buying pee pads basically for Rocky, I asked my brother if he was okay with splitting the cost. He replied, I think this is BS and a beggar thing to ask, but if it really makes a difference for you, then okay. I replied that since we'd agreed to split the cost, I was just asking if he was okay with this new expense. He just needed to say no thank you instead of insulting me, but not to worry, the beggar wouldn't ask for a cent more for anything regarding Rocky. He replied that right or wrong, this is my opinion. If you want to continue to split other expenses, such as food and vet visits, for me, it's okay, but it's up to you. I felt extremely offended by those gratuitous remarks and decided I wouldn't engage with him unless he apologized. This never happened, so our messages were just for basic needs, like mail arrived at my house but it's for you, and nothing more. Come Halloween, Rocky's health deteriorated, and I decided to tell him because I'm not some kind of monster. On Sunday, November 2nd, Rocky got worse, so I decided to take him to an emergency clinic. I called my brother to ask if he wanted to come and he said no, I don't. I said, I rephrase, can you come, I'm not in a good mental state and I would prefer if we were both with him. At that point he said, oh okay, if it's because of this, I'll come, and we went together. While we waited for Rocky to be examined, we tried to chat a bit. Even though there was still tension and distance, we shared things about work, friends, etc. That night, Rocky passed away. I asked my brother to come with me the next day to sign, pay, and take home Rocky's things. He said he had to work and couldn't come. Since it was very difficult for me to go alone, I asked one of my neighbors and closest friends, Cynthia, 31 female, and she said yes. From there, communication with my brother went back to being cold and distant. Now about Cynthia, in the last couple of years, we'd grown really close. We'd spoke daily, saw each other anytime we could, kept each other updated on everything. We joked that ours was true love. She became one of my closest friends and I shared things with her. I'd never told anyone else. Sometimes when we did something together, like going out to dinner or staying home watching a movie, I also invited my brother. Since I knew she was one of the few people he found acceptable to hang out with. We always had fun together. At the end of November, Cynthia wrote to me that she had very exciting news about her work and love life, but she wanted to share them face to face. I got anxious but waited until Saturday. She came over and basically had me guessing that, surprise, my brother and her were an item. I got confused, thinking they just talked when we hung out together, so I asked for specifics on how this happened. Well, the idea was to tell you together, but then you had the bad fallout, so at that point I actually began to feel enraged because the fallout was more than a month ago. I asked how long she kept the secret. Well, remember when I told you that I would always tell you what happened in my life with the exception of if someone else told me not to? That conversation happened at the end of May. So basically she'd been seeing my brother for a month while not just admitting it, but actively lying to me. For example, telling me that since she was single, she wasn't getting any. I realized that someone I considered such a close friend had deliberately lied to me for months, and I felt crushed. I felt so betrayed because I was the one inviting them both out with me and no one, not once, decided to tell me anything. There were countless moments when one of them could have said something. If they'd told me immediately, I would have just been very happy for both of them, and I would have avoided venting to her about how crappy my brother's behavior had been in those months. I told her that I felt they'd fooled me in an unacceptable way and to please go away. I opened the door for her and she left. The thing is, I find this type of behavior completely unacceptable. I've never forgiven anyone who was able to lie to my face for a long time. To me, it's the destruction of trust, and without trust, there's no point in having someone in my life. OP, you're very all or nothing. Yeah. Like this is very like, I mean, I don't have siblings, so maybe that's my like, I don't understand the... You don't have siblings? Never did I ever know that. I don't personally know the level of like, betraying that it is if like, sibling dates your brother. I mean, it's my older sister has dated my brother's friends, but my brother has also dated my sister's friends. Yeah. So like, it's kind of, I don't know, like, it's weird, but also, like this was all like in high school. So I don't really know how this feels. They're way older now. When they're like 45, 50. But I feel like you guys are just old enough that I'm like, how are we not able to have these conversations? Like, why do we have to hide things? Why is this being handled with just like, well, I'm not talking to ever again. Yeah, I feel like it could definitely be handled with like a conversation of just being like, okay. This is like, you know, some apologies, and then like, we forgive and move on. I don't think you were like, deceived beyond repair of the relationship. Yeah. Or like, I understand that she lied and whatever, but also, why do you think that she lied? You know, what would be like your reaction? Would it be something you would do? Would it be, you know, like something you would say? Like it's just, you know, it seems like she lied for a very specific reason. I don't know what that reason is, but I mean, I don't think that it was a great idea for them to keep it secret, but there obviously is a reason why they did it. And yeah, that is probably because of how you would react and whatnot. So I don't know. Agreed. At this point, I had to face the fact that I was about to lose two of the few remaining important people in my life. That night, I had a mental breakdown. I waited until Monday to ask for an emergency therapy session. My brother was still a no show. I contacted my therapist who couldn't see me during the day and I started spiraling worse. I remembered that a good friend of my mom's who was very supportive during and after her illness is a retired psychiatrist. I wrote to her asking for professional help on what I could do because I was falling. She called me right away. I tried to explain what was happening while uncontrollably sobbing. She pleaded with me to ask my boyfriend to stay with me that night because I couldn't be left alone. And if one or both of my brother and Cynthia came over to put aside my pride and let them help. At the end of the day, Friday, November 5th, she called me again saying she'd taken the liberty of calling my brother herself to explain how bad I was doing. She said he had no idea I was spiraling so badly and that he was very sorry and worried, but in that moment he couldn't come to me because he was going away for the weekend with friends. He said he was still my brother and would come once he got back. In the meantime, pushed by people telling me I should be more understanding and forgiving, I wrote to Cynthia. I'm really trying. I don't want to lose you over this. I'm not sure I'm capable of it, but I'm really trying. She read it and left me on red without replying. That weekend I reached out to other people to keep me company so I wasn't alone with my thoughts. Last Tuesday I came home from work and saw both of their cars in the parking lot outside. They were at Cynthia's home. I thought maybe he was waiting for me to come home and would come later, but still no show. I felt utterly humiliated because parking your car in front of my house and not coming, even though you know how deeply hurt I am, feels like a slap in the face. Mom's friend asked me if I'd heard from my brother. I told her what happened. She told me she'd written another long message to him and to please keep my door open for him. This last week went by in complete silence. He never reached out. My mom's friend told me she'd talked to him a lot, that he was worried sick but unable to take the initiative because he was afraid I might react worse. She suggested I find the strength to be the person that reaches out to initiate contact. Lots of people around me keep telling me that he's still your brother, that I'm being too prideful and that I should be the one starting the conversation. In all honesty, I can't and I don't want to. I feel he should be the one showing initiative after this long lie and after knowing how much he hurt me. I shouldn't be the one trying to fix something I didn't break. And even if I wanted to, I'm kind of drowning here. I don't have much to spare. I'm trying to focus on keeping my head above the water. Yeah, I feel for OP and that she's drowning and everything. I think... I don't even know. Like, I think that they should reach out to you and they should try to help, but at the same time... I think now is a great time to learn forgiveness. I understand both parties. If I was OP, I would be mad because I'd be like, okay, you've had a week and you told me you would reach out as soon as you got back from your friend's trip and you didn't. And then you come to my house and don't say anything. I'd be pretty upset and be like, okay, do you not want to fix this? You don't want to talk about it like what? Do I just have to sit here and wonder? Like, I don't know. That just makes me a little peeve. About Cynthia, it's the same. I tried to find some sort of solution to keep her as a friend, but the reality is I don't consider her that anymore after knowing she lied to my face for months. I would never be able to look at her the same or talk to her without thinking about what she might be hiding next. Plus, I tried to reach out and she didn't even respond. Silence is the worst thing you can do to someone and they're both doing it purposefully. I'm so torn here. I feel so bad. I feel so bad for OP because OP is clearly the worst offer this, but at the same time, I'm like... And OP just doesn't have the ability right now to even extend herself to them and I don't think she has to, but I'm also like... I think they're feeling a little hurt too. I think it would benefit everyone to just have a big conversation and get those emotions out and I think we do need to learn forgiveness. I think OP is spiraling, understandably so. Completely valid. And OP has reached out to both of them. I thought she did reach out to the brother. I don't think she did. I swear she reached out to the brother. She said, well, he reached out to her and said like, oh, if you're coming... No, I can't and I don't want to. That's what she said. I can't. I don't want to. He has to be the one to fix it. Dang it OP! Come on, I'm trying to be on your side. OP! I'm trying to be on your side. I think, well, see your friend, you did reach out to her and she just literally didn't respond. Friend, Reddit, left around red. Yes. Friend, screw her. She's being mean and I don't like that. You could just be like, oh hey, me and your brother think that we should have this conversation. Or just like even just responding and saying that you got it or whatever. You obviously got it, but you're just letting me go through 25 situations in my mind. That's just annoying. But on the other hand, going with like brother, I don't know, I would want the brother to reach out. But obviously he's had some other things going on. But I do think that, I think you can reach out. Hopefully it will change things, but it's not going to hurt anything. That's the other thing. You just reach out. I don't think that's going to put you in a bad situation, you know? Lots of people are making me doubt both my finding their behavior unacceptable and my not initiating contact myself. Others say I have every reason, but I should still be the bigger person. Because I'm the one who loves both of them. The person who, for example, will be completely alone on Christmas Day. So Reddit, am I the A-hole? And that's the end of that story. What?! Girl, I don't know anymore. Yeah, I'm just like, well, I don't think that you're the A-hole because they did a lot of things that are kind of like, you know, not great to do. I think if we can't put our pride past reaching out first and we can't eventually like work through our feelings to reach out first and accept the possibility of an apology kind of thing, then we are the ones giving up this friendship. Yeah. And that's the end of this story. This is an I Heart podcast. Guaranteed human.