Motivations for Sex | Szn. 4 Ep. 9

Hi, it's Dr. Jen Kennedy. I'm a sexologist and couples therapist. The Pleasure Project is about sex and relationships. That includes desire, dysfunction, dissatisfaction, exploration, toys, and trends. Sometimes I'll enlist other experts. Sometimes it'll just be me. We'll increase your insight and enhance your pleasure. So tune in. we all think we know why people have sex pleasure love connection but when you actually ask people the answers are a lot more surprising and way more complicated some people do it to feel close some to avoid conflict some for the thrill the ego boost the curiosity or yes even revenge in this episode we're pulling back the covers on the real reasons humans get it on and how understanding your why can completely shift the way you experience intimacy. This isn't just about sex. It's about what drives us. Listen now and get ready to see your motivations a little more clearly. So let's start with one of my favorite pieces of research because it's part science, part sociology, and part did someone really say that? Back in 2007, two researchers, Meston and Bus set out to answer a deceptively simple question, which is why do people have sex? Now you might be thinking, pleasure, duh. But they were satisfied with, they were not satisfied with that tidy answer. So they asked 100 college students, I know that's not us, but 1500 is a good sample size, to list every single reason why they had sex. No filters, no judgment, just go. So they wanted to get all the reasons why these kids had sex. They came up with a whopping 237 distinct reasons for having sex. Some of them were kind of what you would expect. Things like I was attracted to the person. It feels good. I was in love. But others were kind of surprising. Some of the answers they came up with were I wanted to get revenge on my partner. It was good exercise. One of my favorites was I wanted to feel closer to God. So then they started putting them into themes. They like categorized them. And they came up with physical reasons like pleasure and stress relief, emotional reasons like love and intimacy, goal-oriented reasons like gaining social status or revenge, and insecurity-based reasons like boosting self-esteem or avoiding rejection. So yes, sex can be about love and connection, but it can also be about boredom, about validation, about curiosity, competition, or just a good workout. So humans are delightfully complicated in this way. And that's what we're going to be digging into today. The real reasons that people are having sex, all of us, the physical, the emotional, the relational, the psychological motivations that drive us. Like day in and day out, I hear all the reasons people don't want to have sex. But I'm also curious about why we do have sex. Like, why do we want to have sex? Because it's not a simple answer. And it's also not even a consistent answer. I know for me, it's not. And I'm guessing for you, it's not either. Right. It's not always the same answer when you do choose to engage. So what is it? So we're going to kind of look at different categories. I always think of it typically in like four categories. So they did kind of line up with this research. But also this is one of the things I teach in my course is the reasons for having sex kind of fall into categories. And so if you understand this a little bit better, I think it's helpful as a frame when you're starting to kind of think about maybe wanting sex to understand like, what are my motivations? What's happening here? So like, have you ever stopped yourself mid flirt and asked, why am I doing this? Like, not just like, you know, like sort of putting yourself in automatic, but like, why am I actually doing this? What is my why? Because if you sort of know your why, then it kind of helps you find your how, right? Like, like it helps you move forward. I find that if you don't just sort of go in automatic and also if we reverse engineer this, because a lot of times people come in and sit with me and they want to want sex. They don't actually feel that motivated, but they in theory want to because at some point they had a good relationship to sex or they've, they can remember that sex was fun and they want to want sex, but they don't really want it. And I say, but what's your why? Because if you just want to want it, but you don't want it, we're not going to get there. So we have to look at motivation. So I thought this might be a good topic for today's podcast. So let's let's dive in. Okay, topic number one, kind of motivation that really feels like it's front and center for so many people is physical motivation. So dropping into your body, sort of acknowledging and not judging any of these categories out of the gates. Let me just say that. Don't judge any of these because I think we've all been there for all of these. and maybe you're there more consistently for one versus the other. And maybe your partner is, and that's fine. Like none of them are good or bad. They're all totally normal. So physical motivations, that would be for like pleasure, stress relief, physical connectivity, and maybe curiosity. Those are kind of like the overarching reasons that you might go towards the physical motivation. So if you think about like exploring how physical drive can be both primal and playful, examples would be maybe you feel like a buildup and you want release. Right. We've definitely been there. I definitely hear this both from men and from women, usually more from men, but I've absolutely heard it from friends and I felt it and I've heard it from clients. Right. Where it's like, just want, I just want to be able to go to sleep or I just want to just have an orgasm and just sort of have that stress relief. That is normal. And definitely that can be a motivator. It's like, I want to hit that threshold so that I can feel physically different. I can kind of move past it. So it's that physical relief, relief and release that is driving us toward this goal. The other piece of it is the pleasure. we have pleasure receptors all over our genitals all over our body but certainly all over our genitals and so it physically feels quite nice to have interaction and that can be solo sex or that can be couple sex and that doesn't have to end in orgasm at all it can be explorative it can be touching it can be caressing it can be interactions it doesn have to end in orgasm whatsoever but But that might be as we more broadly defining sex motivation to interact sexually So that part of it is the pleasure that involved in that The physical connection that just feels good, right? I mean, our bodies are covered in nerve endings. And so all of that feels incredibly good. And it's not just genital is genital. It's all of it, right? That's why we get back rubs. That's why we like scalp massages. Like all of it is delightful. Curiosity is also part of it. And I think we really tend to go towards this in the beginning of a relationship when we're just kind of mapping someone's body and we're so interested in exploring them. It happens less the longer we've been together, unfortunately, but there is so much to explore. And if we stay curious and we stay involved, I think it can be really wonderful. But the physical motivation to be in that space and to be more playful can be so nice in the relationship dynamic when you're talking about interpersonally. the physical reasons don't always mean disconnection either right just because it's physical doesn't mean that it's like less than emotional it just means that there's a physical piece to this and that sometimes means that that's intimacy and that's a really great quality of interaction that that's meaningful to your relationship and it's a gateway back to emotional closeness for many people. If you can find a physical way that feels really good to the both of you, that sometimes is how you reconnect emotionally. So my question to you is when is the last time you had sex just because it felt good? Like not because it was this whole deep emotional connection, but just for physical gratification. Like when was the last time that happened? No agenda, no emotional, you know, big thing had to happen, but just because of that. So I'm wondering about that. And maybe it was with yourself. That's okay, too. Okay, so next category is emotional. So emotional motivation for you to engage in sexual play. And what I'm thinking about in this category is connection, affection, bonding, kind of the love language, which is sometimes touch, but it's important in this to have the sort of person to person connection that feels like you're, you know, more like eye contact and you're connecting in a way that matters. And it's not just the getting off, it's the connection that needs to be present, that you're communicating feelings between one another. So in this case, sex as an emotional communication. So it's how partners say things like with their bodies versus, you know, yes, the words matter, but it's also how you're communicating with one another and the connection that's happening between you. So this is also going to be like where the attachment styles are going to come into play. So if you think about what's your attachment style, what's your partner's attachment style, if you don't know, I have an attachment quiz that you can find on my website and check it out, because this is oftentimes where these come into play. If you have both attachment styles are secure, for example, then you're probably really easily able to give and to receive and you're both open and you're able to communicate easily and ask for your needs. If one of you maybe is secure and the other person's at one of the insecure styles, it might get a little trickier. So say you're anxious, then you might feel a little bit oriented towards wanting to please and feel a little bit nervous or anxious about making sure that they're happy or, you know, is this going well? Or you might feel a little more self-conscious as opposed to another type of insecure attachment being avoidant. So in that case, maybe you don't want the spotlight on you and you might feel a little less inclined towards lots of of cuddling and reassurance and that type of thing. So and if you're anxious and avoidant in, you know, in partnership, then those two tend to have this push pull type thing happening. And so in the emotional frame, those two can do a kind of a distance or pursuer dynamic that can really get magnified. So with sex, it can be tricky because typically avoidant people will want sex, but they don't necessarily want to stick around for lots of pillow talk afterwards. Whereas that's the big emotional tradeoff for the avoidant, or excuse me, for the anxious partner is that they're hoping for that piece. That's really where the gold is for them. So looking at the motivations that you have for having sex, the avoidant partner is like, I just enjoy getting off. Whereas the anxious partner is like, I was hoping for the cuddling that was going to happen subsequent to the sex. You know, like that was the whole point. Understanding kind of what's happening here. And also just generally different cultural pieces can come into play here. How much of the couple's dance is happening prior and what sort of rituals are established between them? how much communication, how much, yeah, how much permission giving, how much, you know, what's transpiring between you. It's such a unique and negotiated dynamic that happens. And so the emotional pieces really, really matter here. And the, it's even between the same two people, each time you pair, it's going to feel different, right? It's like, how much time do we have and what came before and how much stress are we bringing into the room and how well are we getting along and, you know, what do we know about each other and what longings do we have and all of that, right? How long have we been together? And there's just all this history that's also a factor that's coming in and that's the emotional motivation. What is this couple's story? One, you know, do both partners want to feel close or does one want to feel closer? Does one need some more independence and separateness? So also, what is the pattern here? Does one want to feel closeness before they can have really vulnerable sex? Or does one want to have sex before they can feel really vulnerable? You know, that's also a classic loop that can tend to happen. And that plays out with emotional motivation. So it's also kind of interesting, right? Like how, like, how does this all work out and how does this manifest in the emotional motivation dynamic? So as a reflection, I'm going to ask you, think of a time when sex made you feel seen or safe. Think of a time when sex made you feel seen or safe Like what made that moment different What was going on between you or within you What was happening that made that possible Okay we going to take a quick break. We'll be right back. 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And in this course, I guide you through the understanding of your unique relationship to it without pressure, shame, or performance. You'll get short videos and guided worksheets to help you map out your personal erotic template, identify what turns you on and off and what shuts you down, understand the blocks might be getting in your way, reconnect with your body, and you'll explore your sexual self with more confidence and curiosity. You can go at your own pace. You don't need to want more sex. You just need to want to know yourself better. So if If this resonates, then head on over to pleasureproject.us and learn more and enroll in the course. Now back to the episode. Okay, we're back. Next, we're going to look at relational motivations for having sex. So here, some of the key considerations or, yeah, I would say words that come to mind for me would be more like maintenance sex, obligation, harmony keeping within the relationship, or even sometimes caretaking, which I know some of those are making me a little cringy, but that is what comes up. So if you think about every relationship in a longer term form, there are going to be times when you do things for the relationship. It could be taking out the trash. It could be going to your partner's like, I don't know, high school reunion, like our in-laws or whatever that you do stuff because you you just need to do it because it's important to them you don't want to go you don't take out the trash whatever you do it because it's important to them and you don't want to but you do it because you're a good partner and I'm not saying you should have sex when you don't really want to but sometimes you do things in relationship because it's fair and it's balanced and it's it's part of like the overall wellness and sometimes you try stuff And sometimes, you know, you don't like it and you don't do it again. But like, you know, it's like it's all part of that sort of lane that we're talking about. And so it's kind of a gray area between relational generosity and performative duty, I would say. And so you are separate people and you're not going to always be on the same vibration. And I want to just normalize that, right? You're not like totally in sync the whole time. Like, yes, in the beginning, you might both be vibing and wanting it always at the same time, but that's not realistic down the road. So as you're going along, there's going to be times when your partner wants it and you do not. And yet, for the greater good, you might agree to give them sex in some form or another. And it might just be, hey, I don't want sex tonight, but I'm willing to give you some form of pleasure, which is totally good. That's that's cool. Right. Let me let me give you pleasure tonight. Or how about we focus on me or we focus on you if that is going to be good for one or the both of us. Right. Any of those configurations. Great. But let's be honest that this is relational motivation. Right. We're doing it for the greater good of the relationship. And I just, I think that we all know that this happens, but we don't like to necessarily name it. But I think it's important to name it because we know it happens in every other context. So couples kind of have to navigate the mismatched desire to keep the peace in the relationship because you're not always going to both want the same thing at the same time. It's just true. So the tricky thing is that sometimes it can feel like duty sex. It's like, I don't want to do this. I'm like, you know, what happens though, I will say, and I've heard this echoed repeatedly, is there's sort of an ambivalence feeling like I could take it or leave it. And it's like, but oftentimes, especially for heterosexual couples with women, they feel an ambivalence that isn't a hard no, but it's sort of like a, I'm not sure if I want it. And I find that what that is in part is that they need much more foreplay. And so their ambivalence is if I have more sexually relevant stimuli, I could probably get there. But if you force me into a yes or no out of the gates, I'm going to be no. So if there's a longer, you know, longer runway, if there's more pleasing information coming toward me, at me, with me, I could probably turn into a yes. and so some of this is you know some of this is relationally if it's posed in the right way relationally if it's if it's if more of the criteria is met in terms of her feeling like yeah this serves me or this is this is being presented in a way that's going to feel good to me I might be more inclined to get on board but oftentimes it's not and so she feels kind of like I don't really want it. You know, some of it's that, but also sometimes it's just like, well, I know one or both of us will be in a better mood if we have sex. So let's just do it. Right. And her ambivalence or their ambivalence or both of their ambivalence, they just push through it and then you get to the other side of it and they both feel better. And so, you know, I've heard it compared to like going to the gym where it's like, I don't really want to, but then after I do it, I feel so much better and we feel closer and we feel good. And so, you know, it's kind of one of those things of like, does this make sense? And is this something that we push through for the greater sake of the relationship? And what does pushing through even mean? Does it mean that we block out time and we have general intimacy of sort? Does it mean that we just have close proximity, holding, touching? Does it mean that we have full penetrative sex I don know that what you have to decide of what it what it looks like Hopefully it doesn look like imbalanced or certainly anything forced I don want to endorse that But I also get sometimes these couples where there feels like there's a caretaking dynamic, where one person feels like they have to kind of take care of the other person consistently. I don't love that. So I want to encourage there to be a playfulness and room for the couple to figure out what makes sense for them and how can they have a dynamic that does serve the relationship, but that also has some room to introduce interesting ways to get them both on board, with also acknowledging that all of this is at play. And it's sometimes hard to get there, especially if you're going back to the same, you know, the same way, the same time, the same place, and all the same elements. I guess my question is, have you ever had sex to avoid rocking the boat? I'm guessing you probably have. And I would love for you guys to answer any of these questions in the comment section, because you can do that in the podcast. You can do it with anonymity too. Just put your answer in there, because I feel like most of us have done these things. So answer any of these questions I'm asking in there, I would love to see your answers. And I think other people probably would too. Let's see. Next category is psychological motivation. So here, kind of the general words are validation, self-esteem, identity, and desirability. So this is where it gets kind of tender and layered. So this is like the feeling, this is when your sex is motivated by a feeling desired as a self-esteem boost. So think about that, right? Your motivation for having sex is because it gives you a boost of your self-esteem. Using sex to affirm that you are attractive and that you have self-worth. So this happens for both men and women of all ages, right? We've seen young people do this. We've certainly seen profiles of older people doing this too, right but sometimes sex is empowering and sometimes it's compensatory right of like when we engage with sex because we want to feel wanted or we engage with sex because that person coming at us and us being objectified actually feels really good and maybe that's because we've been shut down for a really long time and we want that energy or because being the object of affection or the object of interest is so intoxicating on some level, psychologically intoxicating. This one tends to happen more with my single clients, right? And it can be a little dangerous if it happens too, too much because it's fleeting. It's fleeting and it's not really something that's going to be sustained. Therefore, you need your next fix. So I think wanting to be wanted is understandable, but also like we have to understand that this eventually is going to be something that is going to run out. And we ideally are giving ourselves those messages of desirability and that we have a fixed sense of worth and that it's not coming externally. Although that said, of course, it's so nice when our partner finds us beautiful and desirable. And it's nice to have that, that piece. But the validation that comes from someone wanting us and from someone feeling really connected and finding us, yeah, finding us not just acceptable, but like the next level of like sexy and desirable and in our vulnerable moments, in our, in our sexual proudness, Like all of that finding us really hot is like, wow, you know, seeing us seeing us literally naked and going, yes, I accept you. I want you. I cherish you. I celebrate you. Like, that's great. That feels incredibly good. I don't know if you've had that experience, but I would say, yes, that feels wonderful. And to be in that kind of raw primal state and to have somebody move toward you and celebrate that is pretty empowering. So I guess my reflection here is how much of your sexual motivation is about you and not us, like the us being you and another. So do you relate it all to that psychological motivation piece? Curious. So as you look back, kind of the psychological, the relational, emotional, and physical, just kind of looking at those. And of course, seeing that all of these come into play with everybody, super normal at different times. I certainly have experienced all of them. And I would say even multiples in the same session, right? There's times when I'm probably heading in with maybe emotional, but then it switches into physical. It could even be both. It could even be some psychological in there. Like it could be a combination of all of it. So I think it's just kind of helpful to notice the motivations and see how they're kind of woven together. Because none of them are inherently better or worse. It's more just about awareness. So next time you're kind of in the moment, maybe pausing ideally, ideally like during, but if not, that's not available, then maybe after and kind of reflecting on what are the motivations were at play and which do you typically crave and more often. So if you have enjoyed this episode, please leave a comment. That really helps others find us. And if you are not already following us on Spotify, please do so because that also helps with the algorithm. So thanks so much. And I hope you will enjoy future episodes. Okay, thanks. Hey, it's Dr. Jen. Thanks for tuning in. If something in today's episode resonated with you, please take a moment to leave us a review. and drop a comment. We'd love your feedback. It really helps support the podcast and keeps this content coming your way. If you're looking to dive deeper into pleasure, connection, and self-discovery, check out my Pleasure Circle course, where we explore these topics in a fun, guided way. I also write a weekly newsletter with articles, insights, and inspiration to help you live a more connect, pleasure-filled life. And if you want to connect with me directly, you can message me on Instagram at drjenkennedy or email me at drjenkennedy at gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you.