Rebuilding Desire After Emotional Safety Returns!

This one hits so hard for so many couples in our community chat last week. One of the most painful questions many couples carry quietly is what happened to the attraction we used to have. It can feel confusing to people who once couldn't keep their hands off each other, now feel distant. Conversations feel careful, affection feels hesitant, and desire feels quiet. The best word is quiet, and many people assume something is wrong. And sometimes this confusion even leads people to start looking outside of the marriage for answers. They pull the way, trying to feel that attraction somewhere else. Maybe love has faded, maybe attraction has disappeared, maybe the relationship has just changed. But what many couples don't realize is something incredibly important. For most people, especially women, especially women, were the voices to this conversation. And it was so helpful because this is what our gentleman or husband's needed to hear. So for most women, desire is not just physical. It's neurological. It lives in the nervous system. And when the nervous system feels unsafe, desire quietly shuts down. And men think of it as a punishment. But truly, it's not. It's not a punishment that these women are trying to do or focus on. It happens out of protection. And this is backed by decades of clinical and renalational research. The brain will always, always choose safety over connection. So when emotional safety is disrupted, the body adapts. It pulls back. It protects. It puts walls up for safety. But here's the hope. When emotional safety returns, desire often follows. Get comfortable because this is going to be a conversation you cannot afford to miss. Grab your snacks, grab your spouse, and get ready. We have something to talk about. Uh, no. Oh, that's better, right, Beth? Yeah. Yeah. She founded an architectural concrete company. He founded a $100 million clothing company. She took the world by storm as a social media star. He took the world by storm as a famous serial entrepreneur. Together we started a business. And had babies. Now we're figuring out the best ways to do both. Join us as we learn from other entrepreneurs going through the same life struggles. As they share their life hacks about success, love, kids. And everything in between. Hello, my friend, and welcome back to Becoming Unshakable, the Legacy Conversations bonus series, a special edition brought to you by the Entrepreneur Parents Podcast. Your favorite show. This is a community of strong families building unshakable legacies. And I'm your host, Yldiko Ferenci. It is an honor to be spending this time with you doing the work, having the hard conversations. Over the last several episodes, we've talked through some really incredibly important topics. Right? We've had conversations about recognizing peace, protecting peace, learning repair, practicing accountability, right? Accountability and following through rebuilding humility and understanding emotional safety. And today we're talking about what often happens once we make our holy covenant a priority. And when we put in the work and what happens after those things begin to return, what happens? Desire. Desire the thing that we truly want and need in our marriage. Because listen, when emotional safety returns to a relationship to the holy covenant, to our marriage, something beautiful often follows. Connection. Warmth. And sometimes, what is it? Attraction. Desire the thing that we all want. So why does desire shut down? Let's go a little deeper here because this is where once you have the clarity, it changes everything for us. From a biological and psychological standpoint, this makes complete sense, right? When you understand it. When the brain perceives emotional threat, not just physical, but emotional, it activates a survival system. Right? And we have that as mothers, as women. We have that survival system. Very, what is it? Very, it's very sensitive. It's very sensitive. The nervous system, it moves into flight, fright, freeze, or shut down. Right? You just want to get out of there. And in that state, the body is not asking, how do I connect? That's the last thing it's asking for. It is asking, how do I feel safe? And this is why, this is why a harsh tone shuts down openness. Okay? I don't know if it happens in your head, like cussing, loud tone. These things, it's not going to make us feel safe. It's not going to make us feel safe. Criticism, that creates emotional distance. Unpredictability, that creates anxiety being something thrown on to you last a minute. That is so hard, especially once we become mothers, because it's not only, okay, this is thrown on to me, but how am I going to carry everything through? Say for example, someone goes on a hunting trip at its last minute, night before, night before, hey, I'm going away for a week hunting. Well, that's going to put you in a kind of fight or flight mode in this mood of, oh my gosh. Okay. So I haven't gone grocery shopping. I haven't done all these things. Now you're going to be gone. And now I have all this stuff on my shoulders that I have to carry. It would have been nicer if we could have had this discussion a week or two or a month in advance, so that I could figure out drop-offs, pickups, laundry, all the things. So I could just be a little bit more relaxed while this time happens. So that unpredictability, that is huge for mothers. Not so much if you're, I know we have a lot of couples listening that are planning on marriage, but they don't have children yet or they are married and they don't have, sorry, that are together, but they're not married yet and they don't have the children or they're married, but they don't have the children. In those instances, it's a little bit easier, but out of respect, don't throw something on your partner the night before or, you know, just to have the conversations to help each other. And this goes both ways. If I were to say, hey, I'm leaving and I don't leave my husband prepared, right? It's going to cause anxiety for him, maybe even more so, but I just think that this is one of the topics that are incredibly important. Not I think, I know, because this comes up a lot. Now, feeling dismissed also feeling dismissed that creates withdrawal. So if someone goes to their partner with some important big feelings and because the other partner, it's not important to them. They just brush it off. What is that going to do? That is going to create hurt. It's going to create distance. It's going to create some kind of animosity. I'm sure feeling unchosen that also creates disconnection. If you express how important something is, but yet it's forgotten and if it's forgotten repeatedly, but you can remember, you can remember a meeting, a business call without even writing it down, but you'll forget, I don't know, an anniversary, a birthday, a child's birthday, something that is sentimental and important for our wives or perhaps it's the other way around. Right? I remember a phone call or not me. This is, I'm very, very careful with these things, but I'm just saying it goes both ways too. So listen, what does, what happens over time? What happens over time? Please stop, yeah, for the gap. Another morning, another reminder there's a gap to be careful of, but maybe it's time to bridge the one between your nine to five and your dream of living life on your own terms. At HSBC, we know ambition looks different to everyone. Whether it's retiring early or leaving more for your family, we can help because when it comes to unlocking your money's potential, we know wealth. Search HSBC wealth today. HSBC UK opening up a world of opportunity. HSBC UK current account holders only. This creates what we call emotional and safety in many wives. They're not withholding. They're not withholding. They're not trying to. Right? They're not trying to dismiss their partner. They are responding because for many women, emotional safety is directly tied to what? It's it's tied to feeling heard, feeling chosen, feeling prioritized, feeling protected emotionally, feeling safe to be open without being shut down. Right? Seen, chosen, loved. A lot of people mentioned those three things, but all these things together, right? When these things are missing, the body adapts. Right? It closes. It shuts off. It shuts down. And it's not because she wants to. It's because it's bio biologically has to. It has to protect itself. Many women don't even realize what is happening. This resentment, this shut off. Don't don't touch me. Didn't even you didn't even apologize for that thing that broke that shattered my heart. You didn't even acknowledge it. Just got swept under the rug like it never happened. But my heart is still burning. It's still hurting as women. We, we are feelers. We're very emotional. Many men are too, especially in this day and age. And everybody needs to have themselves emotionally met and seen and heard and felt and loved and prioritized, right? But especially for us women. So what actually hurts a wife? We kind of talked about it, but let's make this incredibly clear because this is where many men miss it. They miss it. What creates emotional and safety is not just one big thing, right? It's not just one big blow up. That's, that's, that's not it. It's the patterns. It's the patterns. Things like being dismissed when she expresses hurt, right? I just want to be so crystal clear here about the things that we discussed last week. These are, these are factual things that are incredibly painful being met with defensiveness instead of understanding. So if she brings up her feelings and she's taking her turn to speak, but then you talk about what hurts you more or what hurts you, you have to give her the time to lay it down to lay it before your feet and to examine that and go through it and resolve it. Harsh tones during conflict, slamming doors, punching things. I hope it doesn't get like that in your home, but just the harsh tone. We are so hyper sensitive. I feel especially after our women in the community have become mothers. They're even more hyper sensitive to this stuff. Now, the other thing that's so important is those broken follow-throughs. You apologize, but there's no change. You say the beautiful words, but there's no change. There's no follow-through saying you're going to do something, but you don't do it. You don't keep your word and you keep repeating that pattern. That's not going to make her feel safe. It creates resentment. It creates pain saying, I'll change without change. That's incredibly painful for us women to watch, right? Especially if we're keeping our word and we're putting in the work. That's really hard about what the other thing that I hear a lot about is choosing distractions, like the woman's work or even other people over the connection in the home. Sometimes the women try to express themselves and their husbands won't even look up. Or they'll jump on a call right in the middle of a conversation. These things are incredibly painful. They're incredibly painful. There's even those outside voices influencing the marriage in unhealthy ways. This is why we always say, keep great friends around you. You can't be friends with people that hate your spouse. You can't. It doesn't work. You can't be friends with people that disrespect your marriage, that disrespect your spouse. This could even be relatives. It cannot happen. It's not going to be good. It's not going to be good for your holy covenant. And as wives, we need to protect ourselves against the people that throw in those subtle things about our husbands. And vice versa, our husbands have to be so careful with the relationships that they keep that talk even slightly hint about the spouses. Unless these people love your marriage and love your spouse, they don't belong here. This is the truth. So, and let's address something that often goes unspoken. When a marriage is no longer the primary priority in a man's life, a woman's nervous system feels this immediately. And this doesn't always happen, but it was the conversation that came up that they felt that way, that they saw it happening. And it could be, it could be outsiders, outsider influences. It could be business, right? So a lot of people go to the end of their lives and on their deathbed, even the children did this episode on Steve Jobs. And when they were studying him, he said 100, that are 10,000, 100,000 times over his business. I can't remember the exact quote. I was just going to say basically the most important thing to him was being a husband and a father over anything he created. That was the best thing. And he wanted to go all in it. And this isn't just him. This is a lot of people. This is one of the biggest regrets of their life is that they didn't put 100% into their marriage, into their family. So listen, a woman's nervous system, they feel it immediately when they're not, when they're not a primary priority. Men feel this too. But I feel like once you're married and you have children, you're really committed. You're 100% in, you're 100% in, not everybody, but many, many of the wives, it's, it's 100% in. They've given up a lot. They've sacrificed a lot. Okay, that's a whole other podcast, but they have sacrificed so much. And when they don't see that come back, it's incredibly painful. It's hard to put into words exactly, but if you talk to your spouse, if you look at yourself and just pause this and talk about it, just acknowledge some of the sacrifices that she's made. Okay, and there's another whole conversation about, yeah, but I, I put the roof over the head and I pay for things. It's so much deeper than that. This is going to be such a good podcast too. It's so much, it's so much deeper than that, gentlemen, and you know it, you know it. We all know it once we have the conversations, we know it, right? We know it. And, and this is, this is about order. This is about putting things in order in your home. Biblically, a man's first earthly responsibility. It's not extended things or extended family or outside opinions or even social obligations. None of that. What is the first thing? The most important thing is his covenant, his wife, his babies, right? God first, then your spouse. And then the babies, right? And that's the umbrella of the home. Everything else is secondary. And when that order is disrupted, even just a little bit, even subtly, when outside voices, obligations or pressures begin to take priority over the marriage, it creates instability inside the relationship. Who's putting pressure on you? Ladies, who's putting pressure on you, gentlemen? You got it. You need to identify those pressures. Listen, because our spouses need to feel we come first, right? Our home is protected. Our home is protected. Our covenant is honored about above, right? Our covenant is honored above outside influence, any kind of outside dangers, anything on our phone, anything we want to look at that we shouldn't look at. Any conversations we are earthly flesh and may want to have, but you shouldn't have, right? Right? Okay. So we need to make sure that our holy covenant is honored, not just in front of our spouse, but that we're doing the right thing when they're not looking, right? You need to be honoring your family, right? Your holy covenant. What's under your roof? Of course, God first. It means protecting that alignment because when anything consistently comes before the marriage, it signals to the heart that we are not fully chosen here, right? Your spouse will know I am not fully chosen here. And I'm chose, I'm choosing my spouse, but they're not choosing me back in every decision that they make. And when that feeling settles in safety weekends, this is again, this goes back to safety. And when that safety weekends, connection follows. So what is that connection usually when you have a strong connection? When you choose, just think back. Just think back to the days when you used to choose each other over everything. The butterflies were there. The love was there. That attraction was there, right? You felt number one, but what is missing today? It may not be. It may not be. This may be a conversation going, whew, whew, we don't do any of that. Are you kidding me? My spouse comes first. If anything or anyone tries to disrupt that, my spouse knows I will rip it apart. I will erase it. It will not even be a thought. So these are just, this may just be a conversation you're listening to saying, hey, we're doing it right. Or my goodness, so this might come up in the, in the, in the future. This might come up or maybe this is something you've already, hey, we already, we already overcame that. Yeah. Yeah, that was, that was a painful season in our marriage, but that's not a thing anymore because we learned exactly how to prioritize, prioritize our marriage. So listen, if you're listening today, this is something to, to really evaluate. Is anything being placed above the health of your marriage, the health of your marriage, right? You don't want a sickly marriage, a broken marriage, right? A fractured marriage. It's not going to be strong when the storms come. Is the strong families are built when the covenant, when the covenant is protected first. And I want to say this because sometimes your friends or your family or relatives, I want to say relatives because your family is really your spouse and, and your babies, right? That's, that's your family. So anything outside of that is relatives. So I want to say this, that we also have to be aware that there is a real spiritual battle over marriages, especially right now. My goodness, there are so many people getting divorced, so many people getting divorced. It's always been that way, but there's just this spike right now of people that, I don't want to say people we know, but just people that we recognize and we're just like, oh my goodness, they're, they're getting a divorce, really? I thought everything was good. Dang it. So, and this is why these conversations are so important because we may not have the best influence around us, encouraging us perhaps to prioritize other things, to not prioritize our marriage, right? Scripture reminds us that the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. And he hates marriage. He hates it. And listen, he doesn't always do those things in the obvious ways. Sometimes it's subtle, right? We talked a little bit about this through pressure, through distraction, through misalignment, right? And sometimes it can even, evil, it can evil, it is evil. It can come through people who are close to us, right? And, and I don't want to think that they're bad. I don't want to think that they're bad, but the enemy is using them as a tool because they may not understand the covenant that you're protecting or should be protecting. So this is where discernment becomes so important because not every voice should have influence over your marriage. And protecting your covenant sometimes means lovingly setting boundaries around what and who gets to shape your relationship. I'm telling you as couples, we need to pray together. Don't miss those prayers. Right? I've never missed a prayer with my children. But to be honest, many times my husband isn't there for the prayers. And this is something I always, I want to say, I want to say ask, but why don't I just say nag? Because that's probably what it sounds like to him. Nagging, nagging. Hey, hey, can you make sure that we make this a priority? Let's make this a priority. And praying over your with praying with your family all the time will seal off anything will seal off will protect your home, especially as a leader. We have to show up and I understand. I know, I know there's been a lot of stuff going on and we have to go to bed a little bit earlier. But this is honestly, this is one topic that we're really working through is the showing up in prayer every morning, every night, well, at least every night. For me, I do it every morning and through the day. I like I for me, it's a huge priority in my life. I don't want to push anything on anyone, but I do think at least we as a family must meet together before bed. That is important. And listen, if your spouse doesn't feel chosen first, they will. I'm not saying they might, they will eventually feel unsafe. And if you're feeling tension in your relationship right now, it's worth asking. It's worth asking what voices, what pressures, or what priorities might be pulling you out of alignment. Because this is not random. This is one of the most common and often unrecognized causes of emotional disconnection in marriage. And that awareness, that awareness is the first step to restoring what matters most. Right. We don't want to be, we don't want to be this is why our community is so valuable because we don't want to be the next ones on that list. We love our marriage. We love our families. And now it's how do we navigate and even call each other out as friends on how to be the best wives, the best wives, the best mothers, the best husbands, the best fathers. We need that in our lives. Right. And most importantly, that's putting God first. Over time, over time, these patterns communicate one message to the nervous system. The patterns, those, the, the, the little fallouts, it, it sends that mesh message of, of not being emotionally safe here in your own marriage. It could be either one, either, either spouse, but this conversation really goes out to the wives because we're trying to figure out, Hey, where did that affection go? Why is what's going on here? Why are we not as close as we used to be? Not everyone, but some of us. And when that, when that message repeats of, I'm not emotionally safe here. Desire. What does it do? It shuts down. It shuts down. And it shuts down out of protection. Right. We talked about it scientifically. Right. These therapists talk about this all the time. And it's, it's a very, very, very common thing for couples. So if you're facing this, you just have to examine it and you have to work on it. And they're absolutely 100% is the hope that it will, it will return if you put in the work. So then what builds trust? I think we should talk about what actually brings it back because this is where transformation happens. Trust is not rebuilt through words. Words are beautiful. And the most beautiful words. It may open the door, but if there is no follow through, right? No action. What happens? Nothing. More distance, more fractures. Right. It is built through constant transformation is what we're talking about. It is built through consistent. I want to be so clear. It is rebuilt through consistent predictable behavior over time. So it's not like, Oh, I did, I did that one good thing last year. Right. It has to be consistent, especially where there's been a pattern of breakage of fracture. That is the things you need to work on. These are things you have to take mental note on. And from a clinical perspective, safety is restored through, can you guess predictability, consistency. We talked about that consistency. It is so important. You can't do things right a couple of times and then expect to have a great marriage. Right. And through emotional responsiveness. These are very important points that you just have just write it down right now. Right. Predictability, consistency, emotional responsiveness. So, I guess a question you may be having is what does that look like in real life? Well, it looks like it looks like this responding calmly instead of reacting. Right. Blowing up, throwing things around slamming doors, maybe even punching things, responding calmly and that takes self discipline. Right. You can be upset. I tell my children this all the time, you could be angry, but you can't be mean. You can be upset, but you can't and they've never tried to break things or throw things or anything like that. We're just very lucky. And I feel that the conversations that I've had with them through their childhood through. Well, there's still children, there's still babies, but just having those conversations and really examining the feelings that they're feeling did not shut them down. I've never told them go to your room if they're feeling emotional. I want to help guide. I owe this to their future wife, to their future husband to be able to help them with their emotions. I can't be greedy and just go to your room and until you're done and come out or your time out and I need them to understand what they are facing. Yes, you're allowed to have those feelings. We can't be mean and we can't be violent. Not that they ever are, but we have the conversations. That's not even something that crosses their mind. And I can watch them move through the storms to when the sun shines again. And that is a beautiful gift, a beautiful biblical gift that we can do for our children. Right? Not just to use the rod. When do we hit people in real life when we grow up? Are they that bad? Or is that your emotion that you can't control so you need to shut them up so that they don't bother your peace? How are we going? This is a totally different topic, but it is so valuable. It's such a good conversation. We talked about this, oh gosh, months ago in the community, but this is so valuable and it helps us examine ourselves. Like how do we feel when someone else gets triggered or has a tantrum or starts to get emotional? What does that do to us? And a lot of times it tells a lot when your spouse can't keep their cool, when emotions come up, conversations come up, what happens to your spouse? It tells a lot about how they were raised. Right? So as a mother, it is my responsibility to really guide my children so that they can have the ultimate, amazing, holy covenant and honor each other in a biblical way. So again, responding calmly instead of reacting. Listening without interrupting. Right? Just listen to it all the way through. You can read. You need to be intelligent, not intelligent, but you need to look at your spouse's face. Okay? You can see the expression on their face that they're trying to get something out. Just wait for them to get it all out. Okay? And then respond. Don't interrupt. Don't interrupt. Let them get it out. Okay? Let them express what's hurting and validate her feelings before explaining your intent. Right? Let her get out her feelings. Validate her feelings. I understand. I see it now. Okay. Don't just, don't just use the words. Really truly put yourself in her shoes. Really try to put yourself in her shoes and vice versa. Vice versa, ladies. Right? Follow through on what you say. Follow through on what you say. You may say nice things because you want to shut down the conversation, but then you don't follow through. What is that show? Again, that leads to emotional unsafety. It's not going to be a safe place for her when she sees, okay, he said these things, but he never followed through. He didn't follow through. Repairing quickly after conflict. It's biblical. It's in the Bible. Repair. Do not go to sleep angry. Don't go to sleep angry. Do not walk out. Don't walk out on your spouse. And God forbid, don't walk out on your spouse if they have any kind of abandonment issues. Right from childhood, you do not do that. We love our spouses, right? We want them to know that we are, that we are their safe place that even I was talking about this the other day. Don't get out of the boat. Let your spouse know that you are staying in the dinghy or the yacht or what Tony Robbins says. I'm staying in the car. I'm not getting out in the middle of the freeway because it's dangerous. It's dangerous for my spouse. I'm not going to jump overboard. I'll get eaten by sharks and my spouse will get, we need to stay in and work together and navigate towards land. You know, gentlemen, you know, there's no plan B. It's plan A. That's your holy covenant. No plan B. Right. Work it out. It's usually, honestly, when we listen to the disagreements, it's usually not that big. It's usually really you guys thought about that. That's what you guys thought about. That's what blew up because the enemy works in amazing ways. You see, when you get down to the core of it or you look back on something you guys had a huge blow up on and you laugh about it now. It's really, we thought about that. We're so silly. We're so silly. I love you. So listen again. This is, this is what it looks like to put the work in repair quickly after conflict. It may not be comfortable. It may not be comfortable, but it's what you need to do. Nobody said marriage was easy. Right. And usually, usually you're tested in marriage, in your weak spots, right? In your, in your weaknesses and you have to work together as a team. So choosing your spouse over distractions consistently. I don't think that's hard. Right. Choosing your spouse over distractions, being consistent to your spouse. We can do that for our husbands. Right. Husbands, you could do that for us. Protecting the marriage from outside influence. I mean, many of us don't have that problem because we surround ourselves with what do we say, the people who we surround ourselves with, we will become, we don't be hanging out with single people. And if we hang out with people that are having problems in their marriage or have been divorced or heading that way, we're going to be the next one. So I know most of the people in our community are very careful. They only have the friends and relatives that love their spouse, that love their marriage, but sometimes that's not the case. And that's something that's where you need to sit down and put the boundaries up. And this is important. Right. It's not just one big moment that causes the fractures that causes the walls between you. It's many small, consistent moments. And I'm sure there's more on that list, but this is just, this is just the core of it that I want you guys to, to understand, at least start with, right? You guys are, many of you guys are working through this with therapy therapists and are in therapy and that is beautiful. But these are just some of the core thing, the handful of things that, that are the conversations that we talk about. That the, and again, again, it is those many small, consistent moments that tell her nervous system that she is safe here again. So when you're consistent, when you choose to put the work in, that's going to tell your spouse, your spouse's nervous system, because it's not even, it's, we know this, obviously, it's not the words we say, it's the action we take. It's the example that we're giving. We don't even have to say a word. We don't even have to say a word. Listen, I, there's nothing I can say. I am so sorry. But listen, after this moment, you're going to see the change. Right. There doesn't have to be a lot of dialogue. You're going to see the change. And then she will be safe here again in this marriage, or he will be safe here again in this marriage. So what, what happens when safety returns? This is the beautiful part. When couples begin doing this, when accountability replaces the defensiveness, when humility, when humility replaces what? Ego, ego, I got a win. I got to be right. My way. When humility replaces ego, and she sees you making those choices, even sacrifices, I make so many sacrifices for our marriage. Many of our wives have, they've even given up their careers that they were incredible at. Right. When you see not just the action, but the sacrifices, sit back and see the sacrifices. This doesn't mean just putting a paycheck on the table. That doesn't mean just that that is, that is bare. What is that? The, the bare essentials. That is bare minimum. When the relationship becomes a place of peace instead of tension. Something will begin to shift. I guarantee it. The nervous system will calm, trust rebuilds and walls lower, walls lower. Okay. Those walls will start to crumble and lower and level out. And then something beautiful happens. She begins to feel seen, heard, chosen, loved, you hear it everywhere. It's all over. I want to be seen. I want to be heard. I want to be chosen. I want to be loved. These are the things that women need. These are the things that we need. Right. And when those things aren't met, it does go very well for a women emotionally. But when those things are met, Oh my goodness, the heart opens again. The floodgates open. Right. And when the heart opens, connection returns and often so does desire, desire, right? That affection, that attraction, that desire. It's not forced. It's not pressured. Okay. It comes back naturally. It comes back naturally because emotional safety is the environment. Write this down. Emotional safety is the environment where desire lives. Right. Oh my gosh. It's, it's not even that complicated. Right. It's not even, it's, oh my gosh, what? It's that easy. It's that easy. Yet the enemy makes it really hard, really hard. Biblical marriage reflects this beautifully. Christ does not force connection. He doesn't force connection. Right. We have the choice. We've always had the choice of doing right or wrong. He gives us a choice. We can live with him. Right. All of eternity. We can go a different direction. There's no force. He loves us that much that he gives us the decision. He gives us discernment. We know, we know, don't we friends? We know when we're not going down the right path. We know. And sometimes we've made choices in our lives. I think sometimes my husband and I, but heads about this is that we've made decisions in our lives where I feel now looking back. I don't feel, I felt it then, but I still did some things anyway. And I don't think that that was the right choice. I know God always was watching over me and I felt that to pull back. And when I share that with my husband, he's like, yeah, I knew that I wasn't doing the right thing, but I still feel that that's what God wanted me to do. I don't feel that we should have a conversation about this with him. I think it would be really good. Maybe one of our upcoming convert upcoming podcasts because we kind of do but heads. I knew that there was some choices that I made that weren't the best, but of course, of course I do agree with him on this, that there were lessons learned and that those lessons are valuable and that I can now share those lessons with other people. As a blueprint, not do those things. I guess, I guess that's a blessing in it. So there are some things that I agree upon, but there are ultimately, I know right from wrong. And if I were to say, yes, that was the right decision and I should have done that. I can't say that the way that he could say, yeah, that was the right decision. And because there are things that he says now that he is just so strict about, for example, never ever date because you're lonely or get together, you know, the whole thing, biblically of the flesh becoming one with someone that you shouldn't be together with, right? You should always be dating to Mary. We are so clear on this with our children. It's, it's, we surround ourselves with the right influence from day one because it can haunt you for the rest of your life. They don't understand exactly, but if you just say, because this is a truth, if you get together with someone that isn't biblically aligned, isn't lined with your belief system, right? It will haunt you for the rest of your life. Well, you know, you could try to forget about it, but it's going to haunt you. So date to Mary, that is one thing both of us for sure. Yes, yes, yes, absolutely. That is something we agree on 100% date to Mary. Before you reach for that coffee, consider this. What if the energy boost you're looking for isn't in your cup, but in your cells? I challenge you to swap your morning coffee for Sheila G by symbiotica. And here's what can happen. No crash, no jitters, just clean, sustained energy, plus mental clarity and trace minerals that our bodies actually need that are actually starving for to be honest. This isn't just a supplement. It's an ancient adaptogen sourced from the Himalayas that supports myocondrial function, stamina and overall vitality. Your coffee never did that. Okay, let's just be honest. Try it for a week and tell me your body doesn't thank you symbiotica Sheila G is next level wellness and honestly, you may never go back to drinking coffee. Click the link below down in the bio and get your Sheila G today. The other thing that we don't see eye to eye on is that those those experiences in life, like perhaps it was a business decision, something like that. So it'll be a good podcast. Let's reel it back in because we were talking about this the other day and I thought it was interesting. It was interesting. So anyway, so what were we saying? Right, right, right. Christ does not force connection, right? He gives us free will. He loves us that much. But how does he pull us closer to him? He leads with love, right? He leads with love. We know when we're going in the right direction and we know when we're making the wrong choices. We feel it. But when we follow his way and his way is always love, right? I think one of the good ways to tell the difference. Do I feel anxious about this decision or do I feel peace? Right. And how does it reflect on my spouse and my and my babies, my house? So he leads with love. Christ always leads with love. What else? With consistency. He's always consistent. Even that word do not be afraid is consistent in the Bible. If we trust him and we're close to him, there is no room for fear or anxiety. I tell my babies that all the time, do not fear. Do not fear. When we are close to Christ, we cannot fear. Okay. So he leads with consistency and he leads with gentleness. It's a gentle heart. He's gentle and the biggest, right? Why? Why do you? Why does the Bible teach our husbands to love our wives? Like Christ loved the church because Christ led with sacrifice. He led with sacrifice. He was the first one to sacrifice. We were going through the stations with the babies, right? And they were looking at the different images and the things that Christ went through in his final days there, in his final, even hours. And what was so important for them to realize was that Christ could have walked away at any moment. He could have said, you know what? I don't want to do this anymore. This is too hard. I was explaining it in the podcast, our previous podcast, and something cut out. It was really weird. Something cut out in the podcast is like it didn't want you to hear it, but the things that Christ went through. When you listen to doctors talk about it, scientists talk about it. When they talk about the actual pain that he went through physically holding himself together. I know there's little ones listening. Sometimes we don't have a, you know, the luxury our children are with us. But the pain and the things he was holding his body together, guys. And I just, I started crying when I was looking at the stations and I told my babies, I said, he didn't have to do this. He didn't have to do this. It's because he loved us that much. It always makes me emotional. It always makes me emotional because he loved us that much. The ultimate sacrifice is what he showed us. He didn't have to, but he did it anyway. He did it anyway so that he could show us the miracle, right? That he will come back, that he will rise from the dead. He did that because he loved us that much. So this is what our leaders in our home need to realize that they sometimes will be sacrificing. As wives, we sacrifice the child, the birth, the babies, the sacrificing, what we were doing before, it will never be the same. Okay. It will, it will be different. It will be beautiful, but it will never be the same. And it is a sacrifice. Okay. It is a sacrifice, but it is a beautiful sacrifice that leads to beauty. Okay. And Christ knew this too, that it was a sacrifice, but it led to something even more. Beautiful. So I guess that's a, that's a point I'm trying to make is with sacrifice. Christ did it with sacrifice. And in a covenant marriage, both husband and wife are called to protect that same environment. Right. To choose each other over ego, to choose each other outside, out from, uh, to choose each other. Sorry, you got emotional. To choose each other over outside voices, right? To choose each other over distractions, to honor the covenant above everything else, because he will ask, he will ask, he will ask us both. And we're going to be there by ourselves. Did we do everything that we were supposed to do for our whole life? Everything that we were supposed to do for our holy covenant, right? We were supposed to do everything that he talks about. And because when, when marriage is protected back to our conversation today, when marriage is protected, it becomes safe. And when it becomes safe, it becomes strong. Right. It becomes strong. That's the beauty. This is beautiful. The pressure pressure. I wanted to add this, that pressure is one of the fastest ways to shut down desire. Okay. Because pressure activates stress and stress signals to the nervous system again, that we're not safe. And this is why pushing for intimacy too soon, once before you've done in the work, before you've put in the work, before you've taken action, shown consistency, apologized, right? It's hard for both sides to apologize, but it's the work that needs to be done. It's the hard work. What do they say? Right? If you're harsh to your spouse, your wife, even your prayers are hindered, right? Are you going to, if your daughter's husband or daughter's, you know, love that her husband is mean to her and then he asks you for a favor, do you think you're going to give that man a favor when he's been harsh? Right? Just think of it. He did. Your prayers aren't going to be answered either. So anyway, so pushing for intimacy too soon, we have to put in the work. Otherwise, it's, it's again, it's going to signal danger that you're not safe. Making someone feel guilty. It's again, another, that's another flag of, I'm going to make my spouse feels guilty, but yet we haven't put in the work. I haven't put in the effort. So this, I'm going to try to, I'm going to try to do guilt to get what I want. It's not going to work or, or taking, taking the distance personally without understanding it. This is why we're having the conversation because I don't, as wives, I would never want my spouse to take this personally because it happens when you talk to a therapist, it hap, it is something that happens. Right? It's something that happens and it's so common. And if you push these things and you do these things, it's going to create more distance and healthy couple, healthy couples that they understand this. You don't rebuild desire by chasing it. You rebuild it by restoring safety. Right? You, that's how you do it. How do you do it? How do you create the safety? Well, you have to, you have to restore it. It has to be rebuilt and it's not going to be easy. It may even be a sacrifice, but if you love your spouse, it doesn't feel like a sacrifice. Right? As mothers, before we had children, I remember this thought of, oh, I'm not going to wake up and do the diaper. I don't want to do that stuff. I don't, that's like, that's hard. I don't want to do that stuff. But once the baby comes, it's a different story. Right? You, you not only do you want to do it, but sometimes when you don't want to do it, you have to. You're nudging your husband, please wake up. Can you do it? Can you do it this time? They sleep through the night. Well, who's going to do it? Girl, we're stuck doing it. We have to do it. Right? And you just have to love it. It's a sacrifice. So, kid yourself either. Motherhood is rewarded. He loves the mothers. Okay? But again, it's not easy. It's work. There's a lot of work that goes into motherhood, but it is beautiful. It is the biggest blessing. I would not, I would not change it for anything. I promise. I am so blessed. I am so grateful. I was blessed with what I prayed for, what we prayed for. We prayed for this for a long time and I'm so grateful. I am so grateful. So there's something that I wanted to talk about that matters deeply. Okay? A wife needs to feel chosen. I want to, I want you to understand this. A wife needs to feel chosen, not occasionally, consistently. Okay? This is going to, this is going to lead to the repair that you're looking for. And once you have that repair, it's going to lead to the intimacy. Right? She needs to be chosen over distractions. She needs to be chosen over outside voices. She needs to be chosen over habits that pull you away from the marriage because when she feels I'm not first in this marriage, I'm not first in his life, maybe that might be a better way to put it, then the nervous system can't relax. Right? Whether she, whether she says that out loud or not, you're going to see that she is not relaxed. But when she feels, when she feels he chooses me, my gosh, he chooses me. He protects me even in rooms that I am not in. He protects me. He protects us. He protects our marriage. He prioritizes this marriage. Oh my gosh. I just heard him have a conversation that this is, I don't know. Just, you hear a conversation where you're, I'm trying to think of a conversation. I can't think of one, but in this moment, I know if I were to think long enough about it, I could come up with something, but, but that he, you hear them prioritize your marriage. You hear them talk about, Oh, I was going to say something. I was going to say something. And this is a side note again, but when you have conversations with people, people like us in this community, we, I just have to say this side note because there's one thing that is so respectable in this community is when we're having conversations, when we talk about our marriage and our spouse, not only does it make us feel good when we talk about our marriage and how much we love and honor it, it makes that relationship with the people that also prioritize that, that much stronger and respectable. When we talk about the joy, what it's like, even sometimes the sacrifices or sometimes it's hard, but when we bring up our marriage in every conversation and our, our babies and the thing that we're building, the legacy that we are building, what we represent as a family, these conversations, it creates lifelong relationships. It really does. I remember doing an interview with my husband a few years ago and his phone rang in the interview. Okay. His phone rang and he answered. He babe, what's up? He answered. It was his wife and she was talking about the kids and then the child jumps on online with her daddy and they're talking. It was the best moment ever. I wasn't even sure about this, this gentleman that we were interviewing. Not that I wasn't sure, but you know, I, I didn't really know him that well, but after the interview, I said, I love this man for how he prioritizes his marriage. I love it. And that also, it also attracts the people that love your marriage. Right. So these are signs. These are things that you have to put out there. When you prioritize your marriage, have it, have the conversations, answer the phone in the meeting. Okay. Always answer the phone. You've seen singers do it when they're on stage and they answer the phone. There's spouse or they're in an interview. Those things go viral because it's like, wow, that's like us or wow, I wish that was us. And everything changes. Everything changes. Many men interpret and they, so the way that they look at the distance that has accumulated over the years through the little fractures, they see it as rejection. But what it is, it's just communication. It's, it's, it's communication that's not through words. Right. What is it telling us? It's through the body. It's through her body. This, it's communicating that I don't feel safe or I don't feel safe yet. And the solution is not pressure. That's what we just talked about. It's not pressure. It is leadership through consistency. Right. It is showing her that you have that strength and that self-discipline to be consistent. And when a woman feels emotionally safe again, she doesn't need to be convinced to reconnect. She doesn't need to be convinced. She's going to want to, she's going to run at it. The floodgates are going to open when she feels safe, when she feels protected, when she knows that you love the marriage as much as she does and vice versa. Cause I mean, this is the conversation, but there was a few men that said, Hey, I don't really, she's always working. She's always this. I don't feel chosen and she chooses other things over me. So I mean, that is a thing too, but most of the time it's our wives that have had this happen. Right. And listen, that desire, it doesn't disappear randomly. It responds to the environment of the relationship when the fear grows, the desire retreats. And when safety grows, the desire, what does it do? It comes back. It comes back strong. That's why you hear of so many couples that have overcome so many things in their marriage. Even, even the big things that usually end marriages, betray, like ultimate betrayal. Sometimes those couples put in the work and they're able to rebuild and even in some cases, well, most cases when you put in the work, rebuild even stronger. I've seen it. I've seen it, but you don't rebuild desire by demanding it. You rebuild it by becoming a place where it feels safe to return. So take a moment. I know this is, this is, this is a good one. Take a moment, grab your journals. Take a moment and let's, let's just, let's not judge what comes up. Let's port on to the page. When do I feel most emotionally safe with my partner? Was there a time? Was there a season? What did it look like? What did it feel like? Who was around you guys? Who are the voices in the relationship? Were those voices that are there now not there? Were those voices that are there now not there? Were those voices that are there now not there? When did I feel most emotionally safe with my partner? What actions help rebuild trust in our relationship? So what happens? What are the actions that help rebuild trust in our relationship? What does that look like? What does that feel like? What helps my nervous system? What helps my nervous system relax in my marriage? What are those things? What makes me feel deeply loved and chosen? What is that? What are those things for you? What makes me feel deeply loved and chosen? This is hard. These ones may hurt. What breaks my heart in this relationship? It may be one thing, it may be many. Where do I feel my spouse choosing other things over our marriage? Where do I feel my spouse choosing other things or even other people over our marriage? Some of the conversations, that was the thing. What are those things or even people? What would change if emotional safety became our priority? What would change if emotional safety became our priority? Remember what I told you? That even couples that overcame and were able to heal some of the hardest things that anyone will face, were able to find even more, a stronger marriage than ever before. Many times that's not the case. Many times that's not the case. I'm just saying, it is possible if you commit. It's going to be a different life. You're going to have to check in all the time. You're going to have to have hard conversations. Maybe this thing happened years and years and years ago, but you're going to have to put in the work and you're going to have to do those things. That's the worst case scenario. Right? But there are other things that happened years ago that weren't a major betrayal, but it still hurts the heart. You're going to have to put in the work. So let's come together in prayer. This is one of my favorite parts of our podcast is coming together like this. You know, some of us don't have prayer partners. And my son said to me the other day, he goes, Hey, if you want, I'll be your prayer partner. I'll be your prayer partner. It's like, we are prayer partners. We pray together all the time, but do you know how powerful? I mean, that was for me to hear. Hey, I'll be your prayer partner. Just let me know if you need me. How did he have that come into his head? That was God's work. Anyway, if you don't have a prayer partner, I'll be your prayer partner. So let's come together in prayer. Heavenly Father, thank you for designing marriage with such wisdom, intention and beauty. Thank you for the gift of covenant, a bond that reflects your love, your faithfulness and your grace. Lord, teach us to honor and protect the covenant you have given us. Help us to choose each other over distractions, above outside voices and above every pressure that tries to pull us apart. Give us discernment to recognize what is not aligned with your destiny, with your destiny for our marriage and your design for our marriage. With your design, your beautiful design for our marriage. Help us to recognize what is not aligned. What is not aligned, removing anything seen or unseen that is creating division, confusion or distance between us and strengthen what brings us back together. Unity, love, gentleness, patience and peace. Laughter, all the beautiful things that you have blessed us with. Father, restore emotional safety in our homes. Help us to become a place of refuge for one another where hearts can open, where trust can rebuild and where love can grow again. Teach us to lead with humility, to speak with kindness and to respond with understanding. Help us to reflect Christ in the ways we love, the way we forgive and the way we show up for each other daily. And Lord, where there has been distance, bring restoration, where there has been hurt, bring healing and where there has been fear, replace it with peace. We trust you to rebuild what matters most. In Jesus' name, amen. If your marriage has gone through, that was so good. Before I move on to the next thing, the next thought, I wanted to say that save that for later if you want to. I'll probably have a PDF for this one because this is one of our most important episodes. This brings it to an end. Actually, this is the end of the series that we've gone through. And we'll have another topic next, another great important topic. But this series, these topics that we talked about, it really went hand in hand. So listen, I think the next thought now is if you've gone through this type of distance, if your marriage has gone through this period of this struggle and the distance, I want you to listen. I want you to listen to this because nothing is wrong with you. Okay? And nothing is broken beyond repair. Your nervous system may simply be asking for safety again. Okay? Just because things come up, obstacles come up, challenges come up for your marriage. It doesn't mean that something is wrong with you. You can always steer the ship right, right? Don't ever think that this is so broken, we can't fix it. Whatever you're going through. Okay? You just may be needing that safety in your marriage again. Just remember what it was like when times were good. And maybe things are good right now and this is just something you could put in your back pocket for another time or when things come up. Just to remember what needs to be done for prevention. But just remember that safety can be rebuilt. Moment by moment and choice by choice. And when it is, love often returns deeper than it was before. Deeper, stronger, more powerful. Right? You don't rebuild desire by remand, by demanding it. Remember that. Sometimes people say, I want this to be good. And you come in with the wrong tone and the wrong intention. I want it to be like it was before. But you didn't do the work. So you can't demand that. What do you have to do? You have to rebuild it. You have to put in the work by becoming a place where it feels safe to return to. Right? And how does that happen by putting in the work? My darling friends, we have to put in the work. If you start a business and you don't put in the work, what happens? It's going to fall dead. It's going to die. It's going to go bankrupt. All the things are going to happen. You know what's going to happen. If you don't put in the work, in your marriage, we know what's going to happen. Listen, if this episode encouraged you, share it with someone who may need it. And if this conversation helped you today, please leave a kind review and five stars. And subscribe so you never miss a conversation. And all the episodes will come to you. Because listen, every review helps these conversations reach families who are searching for hope and healing. Also, I want to personally invite you to listen to the Entrepreneur Kids Legacy Show. It was created by kids, four kids, and they've been working. The little ones have been working so hard, creating two podcasts a week. They are in the top five on Apple iTunes. And along with this podcast, thank you so much. We love you. We're so grateful for the support that has put us there. It lets us know that our hard work is paying off. That we're touching the people that need it. That we're having the conversations that you're looking for. And listen, if you want to help sponsor the Children's Show, the Children's Division of this Entrepreneur Kids Legacy Show, you can leave a special gift for the little ones at buymeacoffee.com backslashentrepreneurkids. And thank you in advance from the little one. Remember, peace protects the home. Repair, it protects the heart. And that's where love grows. That's where love grows. That's where the safety is restored. And that's what builds those strong marriages. That's what we're looking for. That is what we need to accomplish. That is what we're working so hard for. God bless you. Glory to God always. Thank you for putting in the work. God bless you. This is becoming unshakable. Thank you, beautiful friends, for listening to this important message from Mama. There is someone you love and care about. Oh, and we'd love to personally invite you to listen to our podcast. It's for young future alitos ready to change the world and be a light in the dark. Listen together as a family. It's called the Entrepreneur Kids Legacy Show. We know you'll love it. Be bold. Be kind. Build an unforgettable family legacy. God bless you. We love you. And parents, if no one told you yet, let us be the folks. You're doing a remarkable job. And remember, you are the hero of your story. Because every legacy begins with a hero. And that hero is you. This podcast is for inspirational and educational purposes only. And it is not intended to replace professional advice, legal advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The views expressed are based on personal experience and faith based insight and are meant to encourage reflection and growth. Always seek the guidance of qualified professionals regarding any questions or concerns you may have about your health, relationships, or business.