Top 5 Worst Writers

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Join the illumination and keep your third eye open. I'd forgotten now Unhinged Stallone is in the Rantlers clip. Oh my God. Oh, is that what you... I didn't have a chance to look at it earlier. It's five seconds long. It's great. It's five seconds long. It looks like one of the characters we did in the movie yesterday. He looks coked out of his mind. Yeah, it's pretty special. It's pretty special stuff. I'll pull it up right here. Speaking of yesterday, I'm not going to reveal the movie obviously because timeline, but... Timeline, we did that one already. Oh, well, I think we did. Maybe we did timeline too. I can't remember what we did yesterday, but I can't play this. Look at how excited he is. He's so excited. You know, Rantlers at unbelievable is like a billion. Unbelievable. He doesn't know that there's a V in unbelievable. Unbelievable. He doesn't know a lot of things. He doesn't know any of the good things. You know, well, he doesn't know all the good things. Um, I realized yesterday in our recording that we'll be out. Who knows when June, we did not track the Amine swear jar. Mario. Yeah, we fell off. Oh, I love that analog pamphlet. Yeah. I found my little Tim. You got to keep me honest, man. I think I know. I know. That's on me. That's on me. Maybe I had a couple of bombs, but I don't think you were. I don't think you were that bad, but, but you did have 15 in my bosses. Well, look, that wasn't all curse words. That was a lot of inferences by you guys about, I think he was thinking it. You know, there's a lot of that in that 15 counts. So who knows? Maybe I also accurate. So maybe it even though we thought you were thinking was accurate. You didn't push back on really all but one. I think what's evened out is now he got a whole episode. So there's off the hook. That's where it evened out. Yeah. It's about now we're going into episode three of the swear jar. We just got to just make a little note. This counts as well. Maybe it counts. Yeah. Oh, okay. This counts as well. That's why I got this. Wow. That's why I got this. Yeah. Starting at 17 or 15 with a movie that comes out a month plus. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. But we'll see what happens today. Oh wait. Okay. Yeah. I had a little bit of trouble with this one. How so? Not really knowing how to order this. You know, I may have to scratch some things out or draw some arrows or move some things around. What happened for me was I started hitting some like I really want to talk about this person. Okay. And that kind of influenced my list more than. That's interesting. Like, oh, how do we rank who's the worst? Blah, blah, blah. Yeah. There's plenty options. So there's lots of options. I did also have to like kind of like limit myself because I didn't want to get two out there. Really? Um, it's the one you limited yourself. That's the one with limits. I would, well, no, yeah, that's, this is limits, not limitless. Yeah. This is the one with limits. Yeah. Limited. Because then there was another point where I was like, well, this guy has some bad ones, but also has a couple of good ones. And I don't know if I can include you if you have a couple of good ones. Well, you could, you could do just the bad one. Yeah. There's a couple of options where I definitely do that, but there's also some where I was like, I think you're just not even going to make the O O L I. So yeah, there's some ones where their Cinephobe offering was God awful. Yeah. But then you look at their resume, you're like, they just mailed it in. Dude, I mean, look, it doesn't qualify, but like the, the movie we did yesterday, that writing team, they got some heat in the world. Yeah. I look not heat. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Well, that was a very, well, you fucked it up. Craig Mazen, a good, good, good example. Craig Mazen wrote senseless or wrote on sensors. I should say that's a great example of like, should he be one of the worst writers? Cause he wrote that movie. Or do we take an account that he also did Chernobyl and the last of us and all that. So yeah, it's an interesting dilemma. I'll be honest with you. I'm looking at my list and I'm fairly certain that these guys are safe. Like there's not, oh, but he also wrote the odyssey. Like, no, that's not happening. Homer Homer was a co-writer on white chicks and Homer really did fall off by the time he put out retribution. He did some line work on Mr. Magoo, but it wasn't even write the script. Yeah. Well, that was actually based on his life because he was born. That's right. Magoo, you've done it again. What do you gain? That's so annoying. This idea is just straight up bad. That algorithm is busted. It's among the worst ideas I've ever heard. Top five easel. I mean struck this evening, y'all, but he's got five CT five. Five. Welcome to Cinephobe, top five, aka CT five. This is the companion episode podcast. What was the thing that someone wrote in? It's something companion podcast. I should say CT six, CT six. There you go. Number two is worth two. There you go. Cinephobe, top five or top six. However you want to look at it. The companion podcast is Cinephobe. Cinephobe is the main podcast. Go listen to it. Go find a movie that you've seen before. Listen to that episode. Get confused by some of the jargon. Listen to the glossary episode. Learn the jargon. Go back. Listen to some more episodes. Fall in love with us. And when you fall in love with us, you'll find, Hey, these guys have this thing they do, right? They've created this whole world, this whole universe of cannon and they rank things in this cannon. And top fives of different things like worst parents and best movie intros and the most dangerous night crews and all types of tag lines. We've done this for years, but this week we're tackling the top five worst riders, worst riders in Cinephobe history. The way we usually do this. Zach goes first, I go second, Maze goes third. Zach, you're going to give us your top five and then you're going to give us two outside looking ins or O L I's. So what is your first O L I? Okay. Well, this person only had one offering in Cinephobe history. Okay. So it's a reason they're not higher, even though they have one of the worst offerings in Cinephobe history. And you might hear his name and start thinking of Dr. Arturo Tuscalini, the Italian doctor, but this is a different Italian because this motherfucker wrote troll too. It's Claudio Fragasso. Oh my God. Your guy, I'm sorry to put your guy in here, but I started thinking about that. And I was like, that movie isn't about anything. What's about the experience? Yeah, that's who. It's about how the world is going to hell because people are new blogs. Well, he flipped it. Right. That was right. Yeah, even though it's trolls. Well, that wasn't, that wasn't his fault. Did he remind me? Did they know that they were making troll too when they made troll too? I highly doubt it. They think they were making a different movie and then they ended up naming a troll too. I stood out of his mind. I don't know that there was a dollars to make a movie of planning going on. They were just in Utah, inviting dentists and mentally mental patients to sign up to be in the movie. I don't think there's a whole lot of planning that advice, but a bit of drawing of lightning. Zach, he, Claudio Fragasso does fall into my O tours subsection of this. He is in fact, something. A writer director of which we have quite a few. Yeah, we do have quite a few. Yeah. And so that one, it's like, once I, once I made that list, which, you know, I was like, let me check this out. Then I started getting into, okay, how much is writing and how much is directing and what are we really talking about here? That's interesting. Yeah. I think you look at the story, you look at the dialogue, what dialogue, right? Exactly. You look at that. That's how you know if it's writing or not. The whole, the whole which part of it, it just doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense, which brings me to my first OLI. And you know what? Even as I look at it, I know, I know for a fact, I mean, you've got this too low, but I knew I was going to get pushed back and fights from you two and perhaps even the internet. It's a very lonely position I've held here, but I stick to it. John Carpenter. Oh, those are Mars in particular, but John Carpenter, another O-Tour, another O-Tour. We're sure we're knocking them out to start. Just I just keep going back to Ghost of Mars. The names Desolation Williams, fire though. No, it's not. Come on. Daddy Mars is a name. That was a little, was you guys. O-Tours over there. The flashback within the flashback within the like the people remembering a flashback within a flashback. It was just so poorly done. And then this is the cherry on top when he hits us with, Oh, I don't know why people took it seriously. I was just messing around. It was supposed to be like tongue in cheek camp. I'm like, no, it wasn't. You thought you were doing something. Yeah. The train. Yeah. The trains. The train. You directed it as well. That was him. It's called as a director. Not the writer's fault. Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, on my list, thought about it. And then I got the other guy as, as a possibility. That was one where I mean, he did just carpeted. John Carpenter made the thing safe for me. He did escape from LA and we had done that movie right before. And I was like, Oh, I kind of liked to escape from LA. I like to I like that. So I did that. That stopped me from putting him on my list. But if we're just looking at ghosts of Mars, absolutely. I'm looking at more than ghosts of Mars, but that's my main. That's the hat he wears in this hall of fame. You're looking at his face. Insolation Williams is not fire. It's fire. If it wasn't ice cube, a lot cooler. No, it only had a common because it was ice cube. Common. All right. My first Oli. I wanted to do more of this, but it was a little more difficult to come up with characters that were bad writers. A little bit of that. Yeah. But there's only one place we can start. And that's with our guy, the one, the only Preston Myers from Cane hard. Oh, Oh, the letter. That's a great one is what he's, he's all about writing. He's going to a writing camp in the summer. He idolizes Kurt Vonnegut. He's like, Oh, I'm the first high schooler to ever read a Kurt Vonnegut book. Imagine going to summer school before your freshman year. What a dork writing camp. How seriously do you take on? And yes, he's a, he's a serial killer stalker who has carried around a letter for four years. And this is, this is the main thrust of the plot. And this is, this is his monologue to what turns out to be the German exchange student. I don't know about you, but I really believe there's one person out there for everybody points at the letter. That's what this is about. It's not just some sappy love letter telling her how my heart stops every time that I see her. It's in there, but it's not just to tell her how I think she's more than the homecoming queen or Mike's girlfriend. How there's this really amazing person inside of her that no one ever bothers to see. It's in there too. But what it's really about is how she should give me a chance, just one chance. Maybe we could find out if there's a reason for all this. No, Mike Dexter, 55 best writers. Decades later, Preston Myers favorite movie would be walking Phoenix's, the Joker inspired by true events. If a person Zach, your other Oli, I too went with a character here. Now this one maybe flew under the radar a little bit because we were focusing on other things, focused on a more visual and grandest person. Probably you got to grade on a curve because it is a younger person doing this. And well, I think it's a younger person. It's a boy Lameeha writing the dating profile for Paul Blart. Oh my God. Not sure if it's a younger person, but wasn't there someone else? There was a third person there. Deserves co-writing credits on that. This is a boy Lameeha. This is my John Carpenter. You leave Larry Sulkis out of this. Yeah, if only we were doing Ct5 photographers for whoever took that picture of him in that sweater. Wait a second. Wait a second. Ct5 photographers. Where's the heart condition chick? Let's not give away the list before we do the episode. Okay. Oh man. Ct5 photographers. I like that one a lot. I need like that one. My other OLI. Okay. This one might be the guy I have the most conflict with because he has written things that I greatly enjoy. And I do think he is a talented writer and that sometimes his writing is so good, we mistake it for bad writing, but I think it's good writing. However, when he sometimes he just has plain bad writing and that bad writing is terrible. Like for instance, letting us know that a tournament is double elimination about 700 times or that he's going to bet on himself even though he could just take the money and buy the truck and do the same thing. It doesn't make any sense. It's Stallone specifically for over the top. Over the top, huh? Okay. But here's the here. Here's where he didn't make my list. What about all those what that mouth do letters exactly dude was looking hot. That's not the right. Okay. I outside looking in for me or outside outside looking in for me. I because we'll get to it at some point, but I had a lot of thoughts. I had a lot of thoughts there. Well, my Oli is also an SS. Well, uh-oh. What? Although he was not credited. He was definitely a control freak and he's well known for reshaping the movies on set. It's none other than Steven Segal. Oh, man. That SS. I just I just read the greatest screenplay of all time. Who wrote it? I did. I did. Look, you gotta you gotta have confidence in yourself over formula by the way. Yeah, absolutely. You know what's funny? I I'd heard it in the intro a million times and it just occurred to me like today listening to the senseless episode that the quote the command that's Segal from missing the ass. Yeah. I was like, Oh my God. But the best one I think is the best account of this is when they're making the glimmer man and he was delaying production because he decided in the middle of it that he's his guy, his character doesn't kill bad guys anymore. Oh yeah. And then Tobolowski had to like kind of convince him. Yeah, he wasn't or that he was, you know, doing it righteously. But yeah, he he didn't. It's interesting because I think he wanted credit like he wanted WGA credit where I think he was so unprofessional in the way that he went about rewriting these scripts that he didn't actually get credited for any of the rewriting that he did. Right. So that's why he goes. Oh well, his own loophole, his own unprofessionalism saved him saved him saved him, but also like don't you get more money if you got more credits? Yes, I'm sure you get paid, paid as a writer and then you get paid as an actor and you get paid as he's he's losing money. I mean, he's losing a lot of these. He's giving the directors a lot of feedback. He's just kind of controlling the whole thing, but not on paper. Yeah. Number five, Zach Fred Durst O'Tooor. What don't need don't need any fucking buildup. He's an error. The fanatic. It's offensive. Oh, you were offended. It's I didn't know you could be offended. It is. You think about that movie? Hold on. You love Moose and you love that story. Hold on. I didn't hold on. I wouldn't say I love the story. You love the story. I appreciate what Travolta did. I like when actors go for it and Travolta went for it. He did. Fred Durst is using this whole thing from some I can't remember, but I sort of remember a very mild experience of his own getting stocked, which I'm not even convinced to happen. That's a real thing. He was a big deal. Zach. He wrote from his experience. He was a deal inspired based on true events. You asked me what kind of a deal, what kind of a deal? Well, I wouldn't say a big deal in which a fan of the band limp is get stocked him Moose's way of dress, the Hawaiian shirt, the shorts and the kind of bad sneakers was based on that's the official trivia was based on the clothes that Durst stalker always wore. There you go. Based on reality Zach, is reality too real for you? And so he starts the movie with a dumb fucking quote from Hunter Dunbar. Dunbar. Yes, Hunter Dunbar made us look at a real person. Hunter Dunbar Hunter Dunbar CD5 came up and then it came up as the fanatic of like well fuck. I feel like I've chased my own tail here or a Boris. Yeah. You're right back where you started. What you looked up the fanatic. Oh my God. I'm in a goddamn. I'm one of Jack Peltz's rats in a maze. I don't know where I'm going. It's too bad that you don't get to include his expert lyricism in your pick here because I probably would have bumped him up a little bit. Nookie such a dumb word. He did it all for the cookie. Oh, that's weird. That's a cookie monster. That's that's pretty. That's pretty Rex. Or popular. I mean, what is your number five? Not a whole lot of preamble here. He gave the world speaking of cookies, smart cookies. It's Preston, the other Preston from crossover. Preston Whitmore. The inability to understand the basic mechanics of college, college admissions, college athletics, high school, and community college. I'll throw that in there. Like he with on just basic understanding how anything works. Nightclubs. Right. Like basketball airports, airports. You know, but once again, O Tour, how much of that comes down to direction, you know, maybe he had visions of a real airport. Okay. He had visions of a real airport. Well, you know what he didn't have visions of is someone turning down an NBA contract guaranteed money before the draft, but after the draft, you go to medical school by going to community college with on like that's like, you don't understand any of these things. It's not just all I'm not really a big basketball fan. You don't even know how like college works. The July fifth admissions letter, the contents of the admissions letter, Preston Whitmore. Oh, by the way, let's not forget. He wrote fled and use the word. Hold on. Hold on. You didn't file it. I filed it. I can, I can criticize. You can't criticize it. You can't criticize it. I can criticize it. That was Stephen Baldwin. He wrote fled and had the word convict appear 17 times. Did you get to call each other convict, convict, convict? The word fled improperly used. And just referenced movies the whole time. A few times. I didn't doubt. You did write that. That's why he's fifth. That's why he's five and not higher. It is I then. All right. My number five. I had kind of forgotten about this guy. So when, when I was doing my research for this episode, I was taken back to how infuriated he made me all the way back in the first 50 episodes of Senate foe. All I got to say is one line, plus, you know who I'm talking about. What about the pipeline? And it's all Sloan. I thought about it. I am. Yeah. The man who wrote himself into this movie as the primary antagonist, lemmy K. Yeah, where he does 90% of his scenes in strip clubs in a strip club where he is smoking weed out of a hookah. And in one scene, getting massaged by strippers while watching porn on his phone. I mean, if you were going to write yourself into a movie, there's a rumor about him eating a dude's fingers as an intimidation tactic. And he gave, he gave himself these killer lines. You're detectives. So go fucking detect. What do you mean? I'm wrong. TGT. TGT for sure. Chicks and kids. I hate this shit. Lemmy K. I don't remember anything from that movie. I know we did a rewatching. They're not long ago. I don't remember. Charlie fly. Your boy Maloney. I just remember. I just remember Maloney doing this face. After Travolta hit somebody in a tattoo shop, if I'm not mistaken, I love what sticks. There's a scene where he cuts a cigarette in half with a straight razor. You remember that? That's right. Oh, maybe we need to re-rewatch it. What about the pipeline though? Rewatch. Because the governor, the governor is there. What kind of rewatch? I re-rewatch. Like when this late or? This person has four movies in their Cinefo resume. They are all shit. They are comic book related and he's David. S. Goyer. Batman versus Superman, Don of Justice, ultimate edition, Ghost Rider two, which Nick Cage is the only reason for that movie. Blade Trinity, Nick Fury, agent of shield. You think they're old? Wait, what are the bad ones? You like Marza? He hates. I hate that. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. The funny thing about Goyer is he's credited for Batman begins. Yeah. I think what happened was is that it's just who DC hooked Nolan up with who knew the most about the comics. Right. Yeah, because the rest of it, he just gets story credits. He doesn't get writing credits for the other dog nitro. But hold on, which I like that and begins. I think he wrote, he wrote blade, he wrote blade to, he wrote, where does it, the crow? No, the crow city of angels. Dark city. City of, yeah. I mean, death warrant, bandam, sack. He wrote that. Sure. Not doing it for you. Not moving the needle for you. I mean, he did, yeah, he did write blade on his own. So he does have that. He likes comics. He wrote Jumper. Oh, we'll be back. We'll be back in Goyerland. God, I don't want to do jumper. I don't know why you guys love it. You guys love. I love Hayden. I love Hayden. I want him back in the pod. Oh my God. Bring him back. Yep. Does he have a hat? I got a lot more Kevin James than you got Hayden Christensen. Probably did know that motherfucker. I got him in every sense. You all, yeah. I mean, you're number four. My number four. All right. This one is a little complicated because technically this guy is not a writer. He gets right in credit, but he's not a writer. He comes up with a story and then he gets the other guy to do the writing. But sometimes the other guy or guys tell him like, yo, I don't know how to work this. And your man just overruled them, says, no, you got to do it. And for that reason, and plus the fact that his stories make absolutely no sense. I'm going with Bill Panzer, Highlander II. And I know that he also wrote Highlander. And I know from Zach, that movie didn't make any sense either. None. Especially for one or the other. It's all Bill Panzer. He's the, he's quote unquote the producer, but he gets writing credits because he came up with the idea, I guess. But he's got the other guys and they're like, I don't know how this works. I remember that from the trivia. They were like, he's got to be immortal or not immortal or whatever. And they're like, what? I honestly glossed right over that movie. I didn't even think about that. That's a great call. What's interesting is that he's not given a story credit for the first one. He's got Highlander II quickening the final dimension and then also end game are his right. Oh, for real? He produced Highlander. The original wasn't was it Highlander also called like Highlander II relegation or something? Whatever the fuck it was relegation there, the EPL relegation. They go down a division. There's three writing credits on the first movie. Gregory Wyden, Peter Bellwood, Larry Ferguson, whatever that means. And then I also thought about Highlander II and as covered extensively, like they recut the entire fucking thing. So who knows? I know that the story is his fault. That's what I watched the first one. I feel like I know it's what you thought you did. Well, you thought that it would tell you it made me more confused. Yeah, like way more confused. That's fair. Yeah. All right. My number four mean already brought him up, but I don't think you're giving him enough credit. Sylvester Stallone, man, because you brought you talked about over the top. Sure. There's some weird shit going on there. He wrote staying alive and rhinestone back to back. I like rhinestone, man. I'm never going to give that one up. I like rhinestone. It's not a good script. It's not a good story. It is a good story. I was into it. It's like it's funny. It's not a great. The parents are great. That's not him. How about you? It's buzzing in the big bad city. And in both cases, there was a there was an existing script that he massively rewrote. So like he's rewriting it as they produce the movie. He's making rhinestone more about himself. Who the fuck knows what happened with staying alive. That movie never had a chance. Okay. But like he's, he's the same as Segal, but he knows how to play the game. Oh, he's more, he's more polished. Get the actual writing credit. You know, he's like, he's, he's in Hollywood way more established. So he's able to get writing credit for these things. Would you, would you, would you want to hang out with Stallone? Oh, now? Well, I get to be around the Frankster at some point, right? Oh, the Franks. If it was the two of them, I'd be more interested. But like just the loans like, hey, come over and watch the game. How far does he live? We'll pick you up. He's, he's sending the car to pick you up. I gotta wait for a car. Now I'm at his. Now I don't have any control when I leave because it's cars. You know what I mean? You could Uber or you could get an Uber. Yeah, but getting an Uber up there, it's going to be terrible. I'd rather drive. I want to hang out with Stallone, man. He's got a nice bar at his house. You've seen the picture. Have you? This guy, fear you're going to be there. I'll go. He's going to be guy. We gave Stallone the writer ass on for Rambo first blood part two. That movie was so stupid. Which had, which ended with a really discombobulated patriotic monologue. He also gave us a discombobulated discombobulated patriotic monologue at the end of Rocky fort, which, which goes with if I could change it, you could change everybody. It's a great monologue. No, terrible. We also wait till we get to Rambo last blood or whatever the fuck it was called. That is the racist one. So braces. He also gave us the stats at the beginning of Cobra. None of those are accurate. It's a work of fiction. Why are you guys think guys nerds? You take it? Everything literally. Come on. Come on. The scene in Rocky five. You hold it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This is where I'll push back. It's Rocky. Rocking. Masterpiece. It's great writing. The man has CTE maze or it's a ghost. Died in the ring or he's the ghost. Imagine this whole thing. That's great writing. The last writing writing credit he has for us is driven, which I love that movie. I rewatched a movie. F1. It's yeah. It is. I rewatched on the plane. It's down to the rip. It's such a rip off of driven. It's so crazy. They mocked. They mocked the loan, but they're going to nominate these frauds. Yeah, ridiculous. Yes. Zach number three. All right. I mean, I know you're going to be mad at me because I know this person is higher on your list, but with who are the top two on my list of this is what, and I didn't even write down movies. They've done, you know who it is. Adam Sandler. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm sorry for going so early with Adam Sandler, but I feel like the highest. I could get him. What? He fixed Paul Blart. What do you mean? He figured out. What? Kevin Smith was like, I think my career is over. And then, you know, you like, you've moved the focus around. I guess I say that editing. That's editing. Jack and Jill. What about it? The right. That's my boy. He wrote the Dunkin' Chino rep. It's one of the, like, he is a true terrorist. Would you, would you want to hang out with Adam Sandler? I'd play basketball with him. No, not basketball. There's no basketball being played. It's just like, come hang out the house. We'll watch the playoffs. How far is it? Again, same thing. Car service. I don't want to now see, I don't like the car service idea. I don't. I'm telling you right now. I'm telling you right now, I would absolutely hang out with Adam Sandler. You know why? Because you're trying to get in the movie. Absolutely. If I get a good enough impression, that's a revenue stream for the rest of my life. Hey, can I, can my, can my friend Amin come? I like, you trust me. Absolutely. You're going to want to hear about our podcast. Absolutely. Absolutely. Big basketball guy. You talked to him about basketball all day. If you could get our podcast in the movie, like they had in having a good one too. Bad friends. 100%. That's what we would get. That's the move. For sure. That's the pitch. We pitched Salon to make a movie about making bad movies and then we'll be the bad guys. I love it. I love it. It's like, it's like for your consideration, but for the Sandler verse. Right. Yeah. It's perfect. That's your number three, huh? Number three. Wow. I feel very confident in the first two. Two tough ones coming up for you then. Well, not a tough one for me. Number three. I've long used this as the example for like, there's a bare minimum needed to even make a bad movie in terms of like a script that makes some sort of like narrative sense. Just story from A to B. Get us from here to there. It's Teddy Rex. Jonathan. A tool. Another O tour. I don't think it's not a movie. I don't think it's a bad idea. It's no, the idea. I'm not the one. I did. Well, first of all, it is a bad idea. Hold on. Hold on. We brought dinosaurs back and then gave them white collar jobs. You don't think it's a bad idea? Zach, show your face, you coward. You can't hide from this. No, I don't want to. You said, you said Teddy Rex wasn't a bad idea. Look, I like dinosaur movies. Dude, I sat there. Can't the garbage just come out? We talk about this so many times where it's like, instead of remaking good movies, Hollywood should take bad movies and fix them. This is one of those ones that cannot be fixed. That cannot. Like you can't. You know what? No, hold on. Hold on. So I was listening today to, Halle Berry was on Conan O'Brien, He's a Friend. Right. So I listened to him interview her. Dally and what? He was like, what? You didn't watch? No. More of a listener with podcasts. I think if you replaced whoopie with Halle Berry in that role, I think she could do it. Of course she could do it. No, whoopie's whoopie's an Academy Award winning actress literally before that fucking movie. She sure is. That's why she had to do the movie. Yeah. I wanted, I was thinking about for theater or Rex. I was trying to figure out like the agent who wrote the contract for her. Like I was trying to pinpoint the bad writer that got whoopie locked into the deal. She got paid more. She lost the case and ended up getting paid more. Yeah. Cause she was on set and she's like, you gotta make this for her. This is horrible. But I'm telling you, there's something there with that. I think theater Rex is a bigger problem with the execution. I think the script is bad. Absolutely. I think the script is bad. Well, yeah. The script is bad, but the idea is good. This, this is the problem I fell into with the O tours. Zach's trying to hide. I know you just did listen to the podcast, but watch this one on YouTube. So you can see Zach. No, I'm keeping a straight face. I'm mad. I went along with it because he said the idea is good. I said, yeah, forget about the idea. Then I said, wait a second. No, no, I'm not going to forget about the idea. I won't. That idea is awful. The idea is terrible. I think major number three. It's like red one. This guy dominated the first century of Cinephobe. Probably should have gotten more consideration in the Hall of Fame episode. I don't think he's a Hall of Famer, but you shouldn't have talked about him at least. The Hollywood animal. Joe Esther Haas. Yeah. He's a, yeah. So girls, Jade, wasn't Jade, which, which came out three weeks apart. So his, his fall of 1995 was a banger year for experience. Would you want to hang out with Joe Esther Haas? Yes, but I haven't read his book yet. So what about Joe Esther? I mean, I can't find the answer. What about Joe Esther house in 1995? Like the Hollywood animal in the fall of 95. Those movies are both or wait before, right before they came out. You want to hang out right before. You don't want to hang out right before. The main read, like, I don't think he's as bad necessarily as other people on my list, but the thing, the main thing about him is that he was so fucking overpaid. Yeah. Like basic instinct, bidding war. We're talking about, like, we don't talk about in a future episode how we don't have bidding wars anymore for script. Really. Basic instinct script, $3 million. In 1990. That's crazy. And that set off his entire nineties. So we got at least two million for Jade. Yeah. Even though he'd already sold it in the 80s to Jerry Wine Trub, but then Jerry Wine Trub went bankrupt. So we sold it again. So he got it back. He got it back. Why don't you guys tell, you guys try to convince me that Caruso's like a lawyer. He's a lawyer. He's a DA. He's a sister, sister, attorney. He's not a cop. He's not a cop. He's a cop. He acts like a cop. Yeah. He acts like a cop, but he's an ADA. That's bad writing. And then he, he tried to divorce himself from that and say like they changed a bunch of shit. It wasn't removing anymore. Release the house edition, which is a great, great defense in Hollywood for anything. Oh, I sold it. It's always a good one. I got paid and then they fucked it up. It wasn't fucked it up. Yeah. And so that's because he do girls. Sure. Show girls in the second most lucrative napkin, that's what I moved to outside of twins. Yep. Twins is number one. Esther Haas was advanced $2 million for the script to show girls based on an idea he scribbled on a napkin. The incredible imagine hanging out with him in the 90s and then got an additional 1.75 million when they made the movie. So. Okay. Let's let's. Like a $7 million. You're getting swayed by this tiny Italian Godzilla gone from CT five grifters. Number three. No, not a grift. You're absolutely. He earned it. He's done show girls as a concept on a napkin and got 2 million from it. That's his quote. He's just mad. That means if you write another bad script, they still got to pay him 2 mil. It's literally what happened. Well, is he a crash war? Is he a grifter? That's the question. He's a grifter for sure. So is he is Oli you're saying no he's number three. What was down? He's ahead of movie pass. Head of movie. Yeah, but yeah, it's it's mostly about the market like it's less his fault in terms of the actual script writing and more what people were willing to pay for it. But he does have a movie that we do need to do called an Alan Smithy film burn Hollywood burn. Yes. That's a satire about a director who makes a bad movie. So kind of like our Sandler. It's about Alan Smithy, right? Like the which is the fake name that the director uses. And so that once we do that, we guys talk about that. He might jump up the list a little bit. Right. Yeah. Zach, we're in your top two now. I mean, you sort of mentioned it already, but I'm zeroing in on the character that is the CULA admissions office. Oh, cross over just admissions offices for that admissions letter. Sound. California University of Los Angeles admissions office. Cool. How you LA smart cookie is what is what I appreciate the office hours grift. I'm telling you, this smart cookie is not a that's not a college term. Smart cookie is like absolutely hilarious and awful writing, but I stand sperm on. The exposition as to why the hours are so short. That's the part that they felt the need to explain. I know what you're wondering. Personally, we're a second. Attention to detail. That's what that is. It's like someone like you wrote the letter and someone asked why are they wait a second. Why are the hours so short? That's kind of weird dude. Like, all right. Okay. What have I said? Yeah. Whatever I do, whatever I do, a Q and a with myself in the newsletter and I'm like, I'll ask a question like what a great question. Like it's that level of just stupidity with straw man mirror. From it. It was the original name for the bye bye man. Need somebody to bounce these ideas off. Yeah. I mean, you're number two. Number two, this person has written books, books that have sold millions of copies. Famous people bought them. People thought this dude was the best right one. So far as I'm not thought he was a good writer. And then I then we did one as movies based on his books and I realized this guy is a misogynist. He's a terrible writer. It's Dan Brown. Yeah. Yeah. Really. Really. I feel that I'd have him too low. So yeah. Absolutely. I think everyone else on my list is just a bad writer. Dan Brown is like, like you're bad and also you're like a bad person. Yeah. Based on the way you write. Absolutely. It's incredible. And another example of like the success going way out of proportion. Absolutely. That book is not that good. Like it's fine. It's not a horrible book. I think it's I think it came out at the right time. Where it's like the Internet around the secrets where you can spread that there's a big secret but we're not into like spoiler. So everybody is there's a big communication about like you got to get to the ending. Right. Yeah. But they're not spoiling what the ending is because it's fucking stupid. Yeah. Counterpoint. Counterpoint. We got a magnificent, magnificent performance. God. What? Why are you rolling your eyes, man? You're amazing. You're number two. You don't know what I'm talking about. I absolutely know who you're talking about. It's not who you're going to say. You fool. Who's that going to say? What's this fucking angels? What are you? Whatever his name is. I can't remember his fucking name. Not on not on the mean CT five voices. You know, there wasn't room for Paul Bettany saying Paul Bettany. That's what it was or lashing himself with a salise. He liked that. Mean was into that. My number two is two dudes, but it's not worth two points. It's not worth two spots. It's not a six. Where the two is worth two. But it's two dudes and they gave us two movies that are fucking dog shit. Matt Sazzama, Burke, Sharpless. They gave us Morbius and Madame Wab. Fuck both of you. Yeah. I'm so I'm shocked that's number two for you because your hatred of those movies. You didn't like when he wrote it's morbentime. I didn't, you know, I didn't like that. They also have the future synophobe gods of Egypt, which we have to do someday. That's a real piece of shit. Real bad. And it's a long. It's like two and a half hours. And they're racist. Kind of like Joe Esserhast. Like they kind of represent a flaw in the system. Like all they do is big IP modern franchise movies for studios. Somehow they like they never had an indie that got them to this level. Like they have only done this. Right. And they're elected. You guys see that they're allegedly rebooting the Sony verse. Yes. Again. Yeah. What do you mean? They're doing it again. They're starting over. Like that all sinister seven sinister six whatever Julio the fuck Taurus. Well, he's in Marvel. Oh, he's in both. Julio. Where's morbentime? You're Zach on this list. Zach, the worst writers. You're referring to Michael Keed. Yeah. But you big the day. Julio the fuck Torres is the Falcon. He's in Marvel. What? Michael Keaton was in both and is I'm pretty sure is dead in Spider-Man for the Marvel universe. So he's in jail. He's in jail. We was in jail and then he got taken out of jail to go to meet Morbius in the desert. I thought Morbius was it was in the way for the clean. We're starting over. So you don't have to worry about this anymore. You don't have to remember where Julio the fuck Torres was. I'm kind of gonna miss him now. I know. All right. Number one. That's right. Number one. Nope. How do you write a book about your quest and it's just about boats? It's petty thief Chris Dubois. Oh. Oh, wow. Yeah. Not Frank Dukes. It's petty. I was sure Frank Dukes is coming down the pike here. No, man. He wrote blood sport kind of. I can't. I mean, Laurie. I mean, I mean, is your number one Frank Dukes? No, it's not. Okay. Don't who's number one is Frank. Frank Dukes while making this list, I actually decided that he's kind of a great writer because the lies that he told our fiction that's writing. Yeah. And he fucking he got blood sport made off of his lies a boat, a boat full of orphans. Also that also the Northridge earthquake. That's right. Oh, I'm sorry. I have all the evidence to just got destroyed at this earthquake. Does that make him a great writer? Hold on. It really does. It makes a great right. Yeah. He's prolific as fuck. Everything he says is right in fiction. Yeah. He's incredible. Yeah. I think you've Christy bought wrote a wrote a book and it was about both. Zach's top two are the two greatest pieces of writing in Cinefob history. Yeah. I think without question. Definitely the most celebrated the first page of the novelization of the quest. Yeah. Genoesee yachts. All right. Number one, not no surprise. It's everyone who's ever written a Sandler movie whether it's Sandler or that's someone else. Whoever the team is. All of you. All of you. You're all horrible awful people unless you want to cast me. In which case. I love you. I want to hang out. Let's go hoop. We'll watch games. Talk about basketball. Yeah. We'll get some weight. Whatever. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Were you on SNL in the 90s? Did you know somebody? I wasn't. But but Shaq wasn't. In other words, Dan Patrick or the Danette. So that's true. Yeah. I was talking about the writers, but yeah. Oh yeah. These are SNL writers. Yeah. They write sketches. I mean, right. Why do people look at them as like these? The pinnacle money money money please money please money fingers major number one. I think both of you are not giving Preston a Whitmore the second. Wow. Come on. Look, it's a little recently by us. Did it for me. That's a good concept. Dr. Smart Cookie. Dr. Smart Cookie. The Smart Cookie himself. I mean, we got a flood. And then getting one of the worst lines in movie history. Another title. Yeah. It's insane. And then the opus, the the O Tour vision that is crossover as thoroughly explained by a mean like almost every detail of the world in which it exists doesn't make sense on a fundamental level. The gambling. I forgot about the gambling. Yeah. The gambling didn't make any sense. As you one of you pointed out in the episode, the the one point line could never actually. If you win by two. Yeah. Then it gets the line of one. You can never be one. It doesn't make any sense. Zach, you had the best one, which is how does this economy work? Thousand bucks for the winner losers. Two thousand for the winners. This is per game. That's $15,000 a game he's spending on their 40 teams of the league. So that on any given week, there's no. But I mean, but I mean, he knows he's going to win. So. Oh, I knew who's going to win. Yeah. There's 20 games. That's all he's doing because he hasn't lost 300 grand a week. Three years. He's paying out, which means. He's got that nightclub. And you think about there's no overhead because he's in an abandoned train train station that's got enough power to have DJs and neon lights and shit. But also you're more money because you just got oil drums burning the entrance. The more you keep describing the movie or the finances of the movie, the I get the same look as Anthony Mackie trying to add a headband. That's pressed in real life or smart cookie. Cruz. Plus tax. That crisis paid in full, though. He's as you mentioned, uh, passing the ball in the store. So Anthony Mackie before recognizing who he is. That's direction. That's not writing. Tech. Is that you? What? Maze, can you recap the top five? Real quick. He wrote the line. This is not like the pros. That's actually pretty good. That was good writing. Sold and delivery as well. Zach had Fred Durst, David S. Goyer, Adam Sandler, the Cal ULA admissions office, and petty thief Chris DuPois. Amin had Preston Whitmore. The second Bill Panzer of Highlander two fame. Yeah. Jonathan Batul, Teddy Rex, Dan Brown, the DaVinci code, and all the writers in the Sandler verse. I had Paul Sloan for I am Wrath, Sylvester Stallone, Joe Esther, Haas, Matt, Susama and Burke sharpness of Morbius and madam Wurb and Preston a Whitmore. The second. All right. What we're going to do cutting room four here. No, no, no. I mean, we are going to do cutting room floor. All right. So let's just go ahead and do it. These people are waiting. Well, those, the people who are waiting are the patreon subscribers, patreon.com. Slash count the dings, which you get access to extended cold opens, discord, rewatching to events, watching events of bar rescue episodes for here's the science and this content of the cutting room floor for the CT five worst writers and mean not just this episode, all the previous ones. Oh, we've been doing extra content for like months now. Yeah. And it's all, but here's the thing. It doesn't just disappear. You can go back to all of it. Yeah. It stays right there. So head on over to the patreon patreon.com. Slash count the dings next time we make love. You introduced me to Chad. Oh, a great story like monsters ink stays with you forever. And Disney plus is where you'll find your next great story from the return of the award winning hit series, rivals. Welcome to the naughtiest show on television to the unmissable crime drama high potential. Got a dead body. 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