My husband’s new car has been TOTALED.. and I don’t know how to tell him! -r/BestofRedditorUpdates | Reddit Stories | EP2649

Hey, this is Angie. And this is Riley, your favorite OK Stories host. And we got some great stories coming up. But before that, we have a quick two minute break from our sponsors that keep the show alive. This is an I Heart podcast. Guaranteed human. No gloss, no filter. Just stories, spoken without fear. A person who is not generous cannot be an artist. The world will be at peace only when it is ruled by poets and philosophers. Listen to my weekly podcast, the Pooja Bhachjo and the I Heart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Come for the honesty. Stay for the fire. Mate, get this. My network just gave me a data boost for being a brand new member. Sorry, what? A data boost. Are you on Gifgaff or something? Yeah, they gave me a data boost just for joining. You mean data boost? Yeah, I got one too. I've been with them for ages. So you've got a data boost too. You're doing it again. Doing what? Saying data boosts are weird. Am I? Join millions of members and get a data boost today. Activate an eligible plan before 18th of May, 26. Tee's and see's apply, so you Gifgaff.com forward slash terms. My husband's new car has been totaled and I don't know how to tell him. Maybe you just hide it from him. And there's a trigger warning here for mentions of mistreatment. This happened earlier today and I, 28 female, have been in emotional wreck all day. This will probably only make sense if I tell you a bit about my ex-friend. Let's call her Lucy. Oh, because it was her fault. Oh, was it Lucy's fault? I met her in freshman year of college and she was part of a larger friend group because we all lived in the same hall. For as long as I've known her, she has had pretty significant mood swings. And by the way, this comes from user, throw away a new car totaled. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay story time subreddit. I'm Dakota. I'm Riley. I'm Keon. And we are here collectively to give good advice, kind of goofily, you know, whatever, you don't know everything. What do you know? We want to know. Tell us what you know in the comments. Tell us your secrets. And OP says, sometimes Lucy was super sweet and caring person, but when she gets stressed out, she would become harmful and blame everything in the universe if there's something negative happening in her life. I know people like this. Yeah. Her bad side has gotten progressively worse since college. I could write a whole book about Lucy, but I'll spare you the details because it's not directly related to the advice I'm trying to get. Over the last couple of, an undisclosed period of time. I'm gonna give that a months. Yeah. Over the last couple of eons, each of the people in our friend group have cut contact with her. And I think I was probably the last one to still respond to her. Every conversation I have with her goes in circles and she ends up back in a state of anger and frustration. And I usually hang up when she hurls verbal insults at me. I met my husband, 27 male, about three years ago, and he has always been incredibly supportive of me. I have vented to him many times about Lucy because interactions with her always leave me feeling emotionally drained and feeling like I'm going crazy. He has encouraged me many times to cut contact with her because it's not worth setting yourself on fire to keep her warm. Far. That's a good one. I like that. So earlier this month, I blocked Lucy. I blocked Lucy. That's my favorite old TV show. Earlier today, I ran into Lucy at the grocery store and she confronted me about why I haven't been responding to her. Dang, that's amazing. She started screaming. So I left the grocery store and went home. But as I was pulling into my apartment parking lot, I see a car speeding towards me. Sure enough, it was Lucy's car. I think she was aiming for me, but I steered the car away so she ended up crashing into the rear door behind me and destroying both our cars. What? It's versus wild. Yo, your buddy Lucy just did a... tried to do a vehicular, man. Are you right now? Yo, I didn't even think about that. Yeah, no, that's... You could sue. No, like she needs to be in jail. She needs to go to prison for that. Oh, my... That kind of person can't just be wandering around. Aiming their car at you? Before I was able to compose myself after the crash, she drove off with the front part of her car missing. I called the police and told them everything. Thankfully, I am uninjured. All afternoon, I've been calling insurance and trying to look for options to get the car fixed. Nothing is finalized yet, but the insurance agent said, judging by the pictures, he's not optimistic that it's fixable or worth fixing. I know I need to tell my husband, but how do I tell him the car that he's been saving up for for years and then spending months waiting for to arrive is damaged beyond repair? Especially because I feel partially responsible since in hindsight, I realized I should have cut contact with Lucy years ago. How could you possibly feel responsible for this? Your insane lunatic friend literally tried to... To obliterate you with an automobile. You were gonna be turtle soup if you didn't move. If he's got insurance, then it should be fine. Yeah, insurance companies can't just be like, I can't do nothing about that. Yeah, they can't do that. They gotta do something about that. If you were, yeah. I don't know, my insurance is pretty good. They sent like a guy and they're like, yeah, this is totaled. Like, this is not salvageable. This car is totaled. You're gonna get your money's worth. And I said, just call your insurance, you'll be fine. Yeah, I mean, I think it'll be fine. As long as it's not on you. She's just scared right now. She just doesn't know how to get the words together. You'll be fine. You just gotta tell your boyfriend that someone tried to un-alive you today. Lead with that. First, lead with that. I am the victim of a crime. Here we go, here we go. First of all, here we go. Babe, I was almost un-alive today. And if it wasn't for your car, you saved my life. And you know what that means? You're priceless. Or I'm priceless. Okay, it's priceless. If you frame it like that, I think you'll be fine. A part of me knows that outwardly he'll brush it off and say that he's just happy I'm safe and that objects can be replaced. But I'm scared that he'll present me. Oh, so he's actually already a good guy. And, oh, come on, oh, come on. He loves this car. He has a strong sentimental attachment to it because it's his first car. And he's even given it a cute nickname, like a pet. We joke about how it's like his first born child. We don't have any kids yet. And it's the holidays. What kind of crap holiday present is it to find out that your brand new car that you got two weeks ago got totaled? I've tried looking at ways to buy him a new one, but I obviously can't make such a big financial decision without discussing it together. And the other problem is current delivery times for this car is 10 plus months. It's a Tesla for anyone wondering why it takes so long. Oh, I see now. It's all for the best. We could buy used, but used prices are even higher than new. And the used cars have 20,000 plus miles on them. He's on a business trip right now and will be coming back on Friday for the holidays. Happy holidays, surprise. I'm struggling between deciding to tell him now or telling him in person when he gets back. What words can I even use to tell him? And there are some relevant comments here. You tell him right now. Yeah. You say I almost passed away. Yeah. And your car saved me. Yeah, I would like, why haven't come home and surprise him with all of this? Yeah, no, don't do that. Yeah, I would tell him right now. Relevant comments. Dev246 says, has Lucy been arrested asking the relevant questions? It sounds like you need a restraining order. OP says the police arrested her and called me to let me know about an hour later. Apparently it wasn't too hard because she was at home and the front part of her car was missing. My sweet summer 16 says, then honestly just call your husband and tell him. To start off with, I'm okay. But unfortunately, this psycho literally rammed her car into yours. I've already called the insurance company, she's been arrested, blah, blah, blah. It's a car. It wasn't your life. So hopefully he's a bit considerate and understanding. Chrysier says, yep. I don't understand why OP's apprehensive about telling this to your husband. When I, when a psycho just literally tried to get her, if the husband actually does get upset at her, that should tell you where his priorities lie. And there's an update from five days later. Like I said, good test. Yes, that's what we all, it's all about the test. I posted earlier this week to ask for advice about how to tell my husband his new car got totaled when the ex-friend that I cut off earlier this month rammed into me. I appreciate everyone taking the time to give me advice. I wasn't thinking clearly and it was really helpful to get some online strangers to talk some sense into me. In hindsight, I was too hyper focused on the car and I didn't really fully process the fact that someone I've known for seven plus years almost actually unalived me. As for breaking the news to my husband, that didn't turn out quite the way I expected. I knew that I had to tell him as soon as possible and I was trying to figure out the best way to phrase it. About 20 minutes after I made my post, he actually called me in a panic because he was afraid I was in a coma in the hospital or something. Turns out his Tesla and the phone app has a lot more bells and whistles than I knew about. It sent him notifications and videos from the car's cameras about the crash, but he didn't see them until the evening. His company has a strict policy about only company issued phones being allowed to be turned on while in the tech center office. So when he finished work and pulled out his personal phone, he was greeted by multiple notifications that a crash had occurred and links to the videos. Since by that point, it had been many hours since the crash, he was terrified that I had been seriously injured. At first, he was incredibly upset with me for not calling him immediately on his work phone. After I apologized profusely and explained the whole story, his frustration turned to concern and he insisted I go see a doctor to get a full physical, even though I felt fine. He then got the first flight he could find the next morning and he's been spending the last few days with me and taking his work meetings remotely. I've apologized a couple of times for not cutting my ex-friend Lucy off earlier before my husband came into my life, which is a crazy thing to apologize for. You can't apologize for somebody being an unhinged maniac who ran their car into yours. That has nothing to do with cutting off a friend. And that was in the past, girl, you're good, it happens. I've apologized for the loss of his car, but each time he just brushes it off and says something that melts my heart, I'm like, well, I'm just happy that the car did its job and protected you from Lucy or a car's a thing and things are replaceable and you are not. Oh. But you are my loomis thing, you know what I'm saying? Ooh. He didn't say that part, but maybe he should have. That was kind of a vibe though. Maybe he should have said that. Something to think about. The insurance paperwork still isn't finalized yet, but it's looking increasingly likely that the car will be a total loss. I think my husband placed an order or at least is seriously contemplating placing a new order for a new car. We'll probably have to wait 10 to 12 months to get it, but in the meantime, we still have my car to drive and we'll figure something out. My husband also wants us to do some marriage counseling because he says I have a tendency to avoid or push off difficult conversations. After this week, I realized he's probably right, so we'll be exploring that early next year. As for me, I'm glad I escaped the crash, mostly unscathed. I got an urgent care appointment for the next day and the doctor concluded there wasn't anything seriously wrong with me, but recommended I get a more comprehensive check from my primary care physician next week. Two of my teeth have been hurting since Tuesday and I'm not sure if it's related to the crash. My husband suspects I might have bitten down too hard on my teeth as I was bracing myself for the crash and cracked something, but I made an appointment with the dentist next week to check. In my original post, I didn't say much about what happened with Lucy after the crash because the post was already getting long and it wasn't directly relevant to the advice I was seeking, but the police arrested her soon after the crash and called me to let me know. Good. It was very easy because they found her at home with the address I gave them and the front section of her car was missing and beaten up. They asked her if she had been in an accident earlier that morning and she told them a harrowing tale about how she barely escaped a violent motorcycle gang. Whoa, they called him a gang and not a club? She's so out of touch here. And what did she think when she just on the spot started freestyling? She's like, yeah, I was on the highway and then a dozen men leather jackets surrounded my car and then they all took out metal pipes and they destroyed my front bumper. They get like a motorcycle game from like Power Rangers or something. Yeah. If a motorcycle game was actually coming from you, they're not gonna do it at like a grocery store. They're gonna wait till you go home. Yeah, and I don't think they're just gonna go after your front bumper. You know? I think they're more... They're gonna take a tire out. Yeah, they're gonna... They're leaving there with something. Yeah. Maybe that's what she said they left with. They stole the front bumper. It's a very lucrative underground black market front bumper. Well, you know, I'll give her one star out of five for creativity. Yeah. When the police asked her why she didn't report this or seek assistance from emergency responders, she looked like a gobsmacked goldfish. That was in quotes, by the way. This was all told to me by the detective assigned to my case. I did not witness the arrest myself. I've been in contact with the other people from my college friend group that also knew Lucy and they all expressed a mixture of sympathy, mild surprise and appreciation for me giving them a heads up. Mild surprise? One of my friends actually had a situation a couple of years ago where Lucy threatened to hurt my friend's dog, Jail, after she cut contact with Lucy, but nothing ended up happening. So they forgot about it and moved on with their lives. My husband and I are searching for lawyers to help us with filing restraining order as well as exploring other possible legal actions. But we haven't gotten many replies back yet because it's the holidays. It's the holiday season. No one? Okay. I doubt it'll be worth the time and money to sue Lucy for damages, but it's an option we're considering. The attorneys that we have had preliminary consultations with so far have all advised us not to speak to Lucy directly or speak too much about the situation publicly, aside from basic facts while there's pending litigation or legal considerations. So I won't be posting anymore about her in the foreseeable future. Long story short, we're overall doing pretty well. The craziness has settled down a bit and my husband and I are sticking to our planned holiday festivities. Thanks again for everyone's input and happy holidays. Pooch, pooch, pooch, pooch, pooch, pooch, pooch, pooch, pooch. Yeah, don't talk to Lucy anymore. We've got some final comments here. Oh, gosh. Agent OOX says, a violent motorcycle gang. Lucy doesn't strike me as being the best liar. Huh. As for your teeth, I think your husband's suspicious since you're probably right. I was in a car accident a couple years ago where I was re-rendered. I ended up with some tooth pain. So I went to the dentist. Her first question was, did you see the car coming towards you? Apparently, it's common for people to damage their teeth by biting down too hard while bracing themselves for an incoming hit. OP says the strange thing is she was actually a very good liar back in college. Our entire friend group bought into her sad stories about her childhood hook line in the sinker. It wasn't until years later that we realized she had lied about a lot of things and everything unraveled. But maybe we were all just too naive. That's what I was going to say. And that's the end of that story. Yeah, building is like lies that are building or like jingle blocks. They're going to fall one day. Yeah, if she was a good liar, her lies wouldn't have crumbled. And that's the end of this story. We're going to go on to the next one. I'm jealous of my husband's new friend because she's all he talks about. Well, maybe she's just better than you in every way. I, 31 female, love my husband, 34 male. And we've been together for nine years, married for six, and I have been through a lot together. He has never given me a single reason to think he would stray away from our relationship physically or emotionally. He's an amazing father and very equally shares the household load. We have a lot of up and downs, like most people, but generally we are a solid couple and always come back to each other after disagreement. Up and down. Coming back to each other and sharing their load. Amazing. By the way, this comes from Leather Set 73. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash OK story tab subreddit. I'm Riley. I'm Dakota. Hi, I'm Keon. And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have any answers. We have a little bit of some. So let us know what you would do in the comments down below. Now on to the issue. Oh, uh oh. He's recently embarked on his master's degree. He is one of only two men in his cohort of approximately 80 people. That's a crazy ratio. And the only guy of our culture, we're in our home country. The course and the university is just incredibly multi-cultured. As such, he has made a lot of new female friends, most of whom don't bother me at all. But there's this one 30s female, I think, that I just don't like his friendship with. And I know I'm being unreasonable. They text all the time, like multiple times a day. Mind you, he isn't secretive about this at all. He doesn't hide his phone or anything like that. I can see her name at the top of the screen. He talks about her all the time, how she's so nice and all the cool things she's done. He also spends a lot of time with her. They have just decided to collaborate on a research project together for a conference in 2026. And as such, they will likely be spending even more time together. Oh no. Recipe for a disaster, Loki. Frankly, I'm sick of hearing about how nice and amazing this other woman is. She's also annoyed the heck out of him at times, like blowing hot and cold at him when she has perceived. Like what? No way, dude. If you've got a friend, a lady friend, and she's doing hot and cold on you as friends, nah, that's gross. Yeah, this is, I don't like this. She's trying to like, that's girlfriend territory. I'm not dealing with hot and cold unless you're my girlfriend. Yeah. It's like, come on, what are we doing? Blowing like hot and cold at him when she has perceived he has done something wrong, though it's probably cultural differences that triggers this. And he'll talk about this too. It's like watching someone discuss the beginnings of a relationship, the euphoria of dating someone new, plus all the baggage they come with as they work through it, which is a weird thing to watch your husband go through. I don't believe it's anything more than I have described above. When I said I didn't think it was appropriate for him to be messaging her as frequently as he has been. And if the shoe was on the other foot, does he really think he would be okay with me messaging a man as frequently? And he offered to let me read all their messages, which I didn't. So I really don't think he's hiding anything. I obviously don't want him to start being secretive about it. So I said I would drop it. I just feel annoyed and jealous. Like every time I see her name pop up on his phone, I don't even think he's physically attracted to her. We have great spicy sleep life. And this is not something I feel insecure about. Lies, I detect a lie. You don't feel insecure? Because if you weren't insecure about it, you wouldn't be making this. No, it's okay. That's, that's, that's, yeah. You gotta just go to your part and be like, I feel like you're gonna leave me for that lady. And that isn't necessarily your fault or hers or even mine, but it just means we have things to discuss. I guess she's shiny and new and interesting. And they have a lot in common. I think I'm insecure about not being interesting enough for him. And maybe sometimes I feel like he'd rather talk to her than me. I'm not used to him having female friends. Though he used to have many when he was younger and in finding this new dynamic really difficult. Any advice as to how I can just get over it and accept this new friendship as it is. And we have some comments. I say, dual. A good old fashioned dual. You guys can pick the weapon. But yeah, dual. Yeah, I think you guys should dual with curling irons. You just had to burn that. Psst, psst, psst. No, like honestly, honestly, I think you just need to go to your, your, your, your partner and be like, you're not gonna leave me for her, right? You're not gonna, right? Cause that's where, that's where I'm at. I'm at like, you guys are studying the same thing. You guys, she's so cool. You're not gonna leave her for, you're not gonna leave me for her, right? Yeah. You would tell me that, right? You're not gonna do that, right? Oh, that'd be awkward. Right? Hope not. Comment, sounds like your fear is that she's becoming emotionally stimulating in a way that you're not. So the solution is not to restrict him from being her friend is to reignite the spark in your marriage. You don't need to go into competition with her, but your feelings warrant a deeper discussion with him about your emotional experience and what will help you feel secure. At the end of the day, I'm spent with a friend texting phone calls in person, shouldn't exceed time invested in your relationship. If you're not already doing this, start dating again. Sometimes we get stuck in our daily routine. So initiate experiences together, like trying a new restaurant, class, trip, hobby, carve out intentional connection time where you're not discussing logistics or children, great rituals like weekly check-ins, Friday night, wine and music at home or out, Sunday morning coffee walks together or with the kids. If he ever becomes resistant to this in favor of spending time with her or he's constantly distracted by her during your time, then I'd start worrying. It doesn't sound like your marriage is threatened at this point, especially if he's being transparent as there's still affection between you two, but the relationship could benefit from infusing some fresh energy since he's getting a ton from school. No pee replies. This is really good advice, thank you. We've tried to do a bit more dating in recent months as we both acknowledge how it's easy to just sort of forget about one another with how busy we both are and with kids. Trying to make it more of a regular thing probably is in order though. We do have a going out date booked in a couple of weeks, babysitter and everything, LOL. And we actually went out during the day a couple of weeks ago as well. So it is there, but could definitely be more frequent. Thank you. Update 23 days later. Ah, love that movie. Diverse. Michael Jordan. Is it gonna get divorced? My only name is Dvorso clock, dude. I think that- Oh, Dvorso clock? I just, look, I see some weird comments. Somebody said- What is it? Somebody said something along the lines of like, I understand having female friends before you're married, but like, how could you do it after you're married? Like, why? Yeah. And it's like, I mean, guys, I'm joking. Like, women don't cease to exist once you are in a relationship. Okay, I was a little worried. You know, like, and he's in his doctorate program or his master's program, like 78 of his 80 classmates are women. So it's like, you're just gonna like not talk to or bond with any of his classmates. Like you can be pretty- Yeah, it's impossible. He has to. You can do that. You can be friends with lady and be dedicated to your lady, you know? Yeah. I am more friends with girls that I had before I dated Angie, but I don't know. I don't like going one-on-one out with girls that are my friends. Unless it's like Sophia, that's the only girl I would go hang out with. Yeah, I'm not gonna take her on a dinner date. Yeah. But it's like, that's, you know, I don't think that's what he's doing at all, you know? Anyways, we have an update 23 days. Later, this is not going to be a long update and will probably not be that exciting or interesting, but some people wanted an update for my last post. Thank you. We are those people. My husband and I discussed his new friend a couple of times and he understood where I was coming from, but was a bit hurt because he's never done anything in our relationship to suggest he might ever be unfaithful. Right. I don't think she was saying that. She was just kind of a little uncomfortable about y'all's friendship. That's it. I believed him when we talked about it, but he thought it would be better if I could just meet her and try to understand a bit better. And I agreed. Oh, wow. We're gonna have dinner together. All right. Have fun. Oh, it's a cat fight. Sounds like, I mean, hey, maybe you guys become best friends. Simple solution. Simple solution, you guys are now best friends. Whoa. And then y'all get together and leave him. Slay. We had a few friends over for his birthday last night and she came. The birthday gift she got him was a picture of my whole family, me, hubs and the kids, and even the dog that she made herself digital. He's a bit of a graphic designer on a line box. It's really beautiful. And I think it's a lovely present because it includes me and the kids. She was incredibly respectful all night. We actually have a fair amount in common with some shared interests and shared experiences. We both have been scuba diving and are interested in marine conservation. And are interested in SpongeBob SquarePants. She just seems generally very nice. Not fake at all. And her being around, they'll vary akin to my husband's other female friend that we also had over as well. All that to say, I am no longer concerned about anything dodgy developing in her and my husband. And certainly don't think anything untoward has happened as yet. No. Nailed it. Oh, also I caught a glimpse of their messages this morning and she was messaging him about how nice I seemed. And he was talking about how cool I am. That wasn't performative because he didn't tell me about it. It was just a part of their conversation they were having. The rest of which was about the Japanese curry my husband made last night. I don't know. I'm sure Reddit will tell me I'm being stupid or naive but it just feels very innocent now that I've actually met her. Well, that's, yeah. The thing in that is like, once you become like threatened by someone else, whether it's when it's like a friendship that your partner has, now you're hyper aware and you're gonna see every interaction that they have. Like, even if it's not anything, it's now gonna be like, oh, when that's all the time. So that was telling from the very beginning. She's like, he texts her all day. And then it's like multiple times a day. It's like, those are completely different. Using the word all the time or never. Those are dangerous words. Cause it's like, I mean, how could you? Like I'm breathing all the time. And unless I'm swimming. So even that's not true. Sometimes I hold my breath. Sometimes we shower too, you have to hold your breath. What? You. What do you mean? Cause the water will get in your nose if you don't hold your breath under the water. You hold your breath when you shower. Yeah. And that's the end of this story. We're gonna go on to the next one. I discovered my husband's messages where he said he regrets marrying me. Or maybe he just regards it. Yeah, maybe he was a typo. I'm six months pregnant and got married a few months ago. In every relationship I've been in, I've made it very clear that my mom will live with me until she passes away. She is very, very ill. And I've been taking care of her for years. She's still my best friend and I love her very much. I wouldn't change that for the world. And by the way, this comes from user directanonymous236. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash showcase where we time-subred it where this story was submitted. I'm Dakota. I'm Riley. I'm Keon. And we're here to give good advice. But we're a goofy. We're a little goofball. You don't know everything. We only know about that. And if you know anything else to add on to that, then you can tell us in the comments. Please, we'll read them. And OP says, a couple of weeks ago, I went through my husband's phone. I wasn't expecting to find cheating or anything like that. I was just up late and bored. Before anyone says anything, I ask my husband all the time if there's anything I can work on or do better. And I genuinely try to communicate to make sure we're on the same page. I always get the same answer that I'm perfect and he's happy. Maybe he has avoidant attachment style. I've decided to search my name and his messages and found a ton of them. At first, I thought they were all from before we got married. I was very wrong. They were from the night before. He was telling a female coworker that he was second guessing the marriage and asking if he was in over his head along with other things like that. What? He also said that he hates my mom and that he's stuck with her until she croaks and that there are a lot of other pretty girls out there. Oh my gosh. Yo. Boy, oh boy, this is not good. How long do you have to be married until you're entitled to his assets? Oh wow. No, I'm just thinking like you have a kid to raise and you have your mom to take care of. If you're in a divorce this guy, you're leaving with something. If he's talking to his coworker about this, then he can also talk to his coworker about how he's gonna have to borrow money from her because he needs to pay you, okay? What the heck? You didn't suspect this at all either? That's crazy. I'm sorry, OP. Bless this girl's heart because she was basically like, what the eff? She didn't even know we were already married. He told her that we were though. Then I remembered that he writes down his feelings sometime so I checked his notes app and there was a note written as if it was to someone saying things like what if it was supposed to be her all along? Oh. Oh no. I later found out it was about someone he used to go to school with. This is all written very rushed but I truly don't know what to do. I did confront him about it and he said things like it was just an in the moment feeling and that he doesn't actually feel that way. Oh my gosh. Which like can be true but like dude, like that's just like a, like how can you, you can't, how are you gonna write stuff like that? You can't say that. You can't voice that to a coworker. Yeah, you can't voice that to a female coworker who spent like a bunch of time with all the time. And then you have this other note where you're like, maybe this other person was the one. It's like, all right. Well, then why are we getting, why did we get married? What is wrong with you? This, yeah. And to be fair also, this is all the stuff that's supposed to happen before you get married. These are all thoughts you have to think and work through before our marriage. Yeah. And I don't know, also having a kid. Yeah, I'm not even kidding. Figure out exact, whatever, whatever amount of time you have to stay with this thing to like be entitled to his money, do that. And then, and then be gone. I feel like I'm not getting the answers I need to either move on or move forward. I'm extremely protective of my mom and I don't understand how he could say something like that about her. I'm just very confused about what to do and where to go. He never seemed different. And of course, every marriage has problems, but he genuinely seemed happy. There was no slowdown in our spicy sleep life at all. I found out while reading the messages that he even tried to initiate right after texting all of those things. Everything seemed so normal and I'm so confused about how he could be having these thoughts while acting the same way towards me. I'm hurt and can't stop thinking about it, but he's been acting completely normal even after I talked to him about it. Any advice would be highly appreciated. We have some comments. Comment one, I advise you to go to couples counseling. You must have known you would find what you did and probably left it as a plant because he doesn't know how to confront you directly. You two are about to have a child and he might be getting freaked out with cold feet. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. I don't know this, that like, that's some really intense stuff. There's a difference between like cold feet and like some waiting for my in-law to croak is great. Yeah, no, like it's the, and the fact that he could say all that and then immediately like go to you like nothing's wrong and then try to initiate like this is spasset times. No, honey, you're perfect. He's so disturbing. It's just, it's just, and the masking is so high level. It's like, even if you guys do go to counseling, it's like he'll probably just continue to lie, to mask and lie and not really get to anything that's real. I don't know. Take all his money. OP says, I don't think he would have known because I've never gone through his phone before. I've never had any reason to. Comment two says, I hardly know what to say to you. How did you broach this with him? What did he say? OP says, I was trying not to cry and he could probably tell. And I just told him like step by step everything I knew and how it hurt me. And we had an extremely long talk about it and he was reassuring the whole time that he wanted to be with me and only me, but it was so confusing for me because the messages and the conversation were only two days apart. So I don't even know how to tell how he really feels. And there's an edit. My mom is 50, which is kind of young for her health problems. She had a heart attack a few years ago. She also has a crooked spine, problems with her legs going numb and giving out graves disease and many other issues on top of that. She takes a ton of medication. We've been fighting with disability for the last three years and finally had a court date and now we're waiting for an answer. The medical doctor helping with disability is completely on her side and doesn't think she would be capable of any type of work. My husband and I both work 12 hour shifts so she does what she can for our house. It's not always perfectly clean, but we don't live in a magazine. We always have a hot meal ready when we get home from work. She helps in every way she can. She does our laundry once a week because honestly we're exhausted and always have something to do on our days off. I love my mom, she's my best friend and I'm so grateful for everything she does. My husband and I have only been together a little over a year, which is a very short time. Our relationship progressed extremely quickly. It sort of informs how he could be thinking or saying all this stuff. Have some regrets, happen so quick. But it's still like, it's just so insane. Yeah, to put yourself in this position. The way he's doing it is insane. I'm currently six months pregnant. Our relationship started out very rocky, not from fighting, but because he was still in a lease with his ex. When she said jump, he jumped. She lived 45 minutes away. He moved in with me right away because of their rocky relationship. It started as him staying the night and then he just never left. Oh, gross, sounds so bad. For the first five months, he didn't pay rent, help clean or really do anything at all. So for half of your relationship, he did nothing and was just a burden. Okay, we financially supported him during that time. After he finally broke the lease with her, things slowly got better. We ended up moving houses and now we split things 50-50 other than personal bills. We got married about three months ago. Here's a breakdown of everything he said, my feelings about it and his response when I asked him. First, he said he hates my mom, thinks she's a leech and that he stuck with her until she croaks. So that's gonna be hard to work through. And I'll just put that out there. That's the first thing, by the way. That's the first thing. Yeah, those are mean words. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love my mom and I made it clear from the beginning that she would be with me until the day she passes away. I would never change that for anyone. I understand that he may not understand my relationship with her, but she truly is my best friend. She goes above and beyond for us and she does not have to do any of it. That's the other thing that really gets me is it's not like your mom is like a mean, difficult person that you help out of the kindness of your heart. Your mom just sounds like a good person who's got a crazy bad hand of illnesses and is basically disabled, is fighting for disability. And he lived in her house for free for five months with you. This guy, this guy, this guy. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He doesn't get it. And this is why you deserve, you stay with him until you get all that money, whatever it is, whatever the arrangement is. And if there is no arrangement, you get whatever you get right now, whatever, leave him. I don't know. He's calling her a leech. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, I ex. You freaking, come on. I don't know how I'm supposed to get over him saying something like that about someone so important to me. You're not, you're not supposed to get over that. Second, he said he's second guessing the marriage and that there are other pretty girls out there. I could understand pre-wedding jitters, but this was after we were already married. It makes me wonder if he wants a divorce or wants to move out. This is the part that confuses me the most. Every time he calls me pretty now, I question everything. I feel like I've changed my entire life for him and he has been the most important thing to me. I question whether he even finds me attractive. I question what this means for our child. I don't understand how he could act so normal towards me without me feeling anything off at all. He even initiated suspicions sleep right after sending those texts. I keep questioning what's real and what's not. When I asked him about this, he said it was pre-wedding jitters that happened just after we got married and that he wants to be with me for the rest of his life. Which is great, those are great words. Those are the perfect words to say. Pre-wedding jitters. You can't call it pre-wedding jitters when you did it months after you got married. Yeah. That's called post-wedding jitters. Yeah, that is the technical term. You're right. Third, there was a note in his phone that I've debated posting a screenshot of. There are multiple notes. In one, he said he's starting to think it was supposed to be her all along and that he wishes she had told him sooner and that he's starting to feel a small spark. This was not about his ex. It was about an old friend from high school. Him and this person had never had anything before, but they started catching up and she told him she used to have a crush on him. Oh, used, used. Pathetic. He said it made him start thinking about what ifs and that he doesn't feel that way anymore. He said it was just an in-the-moment feeling. It is divorce o'clock, but only once the bag has been secured. Yeah, you could definitely get child payments. We call those... I mean, child support is one thing, but... That one. He'll be paying that regardless. I don't know. I was gonna say. Figure out exactly how to get the money right. And the way he's been lying, you can just tell that's how we went around his relationship the whole time. This is the type of person he is, an OP. You gotta sit down and ask yourself, if this happened to a friend of mine, what would I say? And whatever you say and the advice should we give to your friend, you'd implement that to your own relationship, the friend test. And OP's one of us. Oh, wow, you are one of us. That's right. You deserve more OP. And you're special and valued. Let's finish this. I didn't include ages originally because I've seen people react differently based on age and I didn't want biased opinions. We're both 21. The pregnancy was unplanned, but we were both extremely excited. I've lived a lot of life in a short amount of time. I've struggled, but it made me grow up fast. I've been working since I was 15 and supporting myself. My childhood wasn't the best and I didn't always have my mom, but she made her amends and fought hard to do right by me. After talking to him, I still don't feel like I got the answers I was looking for. He always gives me the same, I'm perfect answers. And I'm tired of hearing that when this is what he's telling other people. I don't know how to approach the topic again. I don't know if I should even bring it up because I feel like it will be the same conversation with the same answers. I'm hurting, confused and exhausted. Please help me understand what to do and where to go from here. Yeah, I wanna believe. I wanna believe this man for anything he says. No, 0%. Like it's always, honestly, it sounds backwards, but like if you can't see any flaws in your partner, like that's a red flag on you. Everybody has flaws. Everyone has things where you're like, oh yeah, well, that isn't my favorite thing. Yeah, one of the flaws in my partner is they can't speak Mandarin. There you go. And also- That's the flaw of mine as well. Yeah, me too, that's my flaw. I can speak to you. I can only speak a very small amount of Mandarin. She's a very small collection of phrases. Like what? Like I'm going to touch you. We gotta get you a different teacher. And that's the end of this story. We're gonna go on to the next one. Hey, this is Riley, your favorite Southern Belle. We're gonna get back to these stories, but here's three minutes worth of ads from our sponsors. No gloss, no filter, just stories, spoken without fear. Addiction is a disease, and it should be looked upon as any other disease. How did you cope with a reckless father like me? Join me, Pooja Bhatt, as I sit down every week with directors, actors, musicians, technicians, and beyond. You don't need to work with the biggest people and the biggest sound to have great music. I have gone through the Saab Siddhi Khachakar. Reached the pinnacle, stung by the sneer, I've fallen down again. Yeah, I am not writing actively anymore, and when I see my old work, it kind of saddens me. I'm only as good as the last shot that I gave. Mom's gone, but don't shut the theater. The show must go on. Listen to my weekly podcast, the Pooja Bhatt Show on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Come for the honesty. Stay for the fire. My boyfriend said I'm too ambitious for wanting to chase my dream. I think you gotta chase down another boy to date now. I've wanted to be a veterinarian since I, 25 female, was a young girl. As I got older, I gave up on those dreams, but when I turned 23, I decided to give it a go. I went back to school and have since achieved an associate's degree with a 4.0 GPA and have plans to transfer to a university and then go to vet school. Long story short, my dreams don't seem so unattainable anymore. The problem lies with my relationship. By the way, this comes from user fuzzybat8678. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay story time subreddit, I am Dakota. I'm Angie. I'm Carly. And we are here to give good advice, Goofley, but we don't have all the answers. We're just couple of goofballs and know about our goofball stuff. So if you know some stuff we don't know, why don't you just tell us in the comments. An OP says, with the way things are going, I won't be done with school until I'm 30 or 31. I've always wanted to get married and have kids before that age, but since I decided to go back to school, I've reconsidered when would be a good age to have kids. My boyfriend, 24 male, wants to get married and start having kids this year. Although I would love to start a family, I'm so torn. Me starting a family with him would require me moving states back to my hometown and taking time off from school. Not only that, my boyfriend told me he wants to be with a woman who wants to be a stay at home wife. This is a text that he sent me, quote, I do not desire to be with a woman who is as ambitious as yourself. It's great for you that you have goals, but I want a big family and a traditional relationship. If I don't decide to change my plans, he and I are going to move on. I also want a big family and I have no problem with prioritizing my future family when the time comes. However, I just can't reconcile with the fact that he's asking me to give up the dreams I've had since I was a little girl. I love him so much and I can't imagine my life without him. And so I have been questioning if I'm making the right choice by staying on this path to being a vet. I know it sounds stupid since I'm only 25, but I've been feeling like if I don't do this now, I might not find someone to marry and start a family with. This conversation with my boyfriend is making me question if men just don't want to marry a woman who puts their career first for a while. Maybe I shouldn't think like that, but it's hard not to. On the other hand, I feel like my boyfriend is asking me to give up my dreams so that he can live out his own. So I guess I just need advice. What are your thoughts on changing my plans to pursue my dreams in order to make my boyfriend happy? Is it worth it? Would I be making a mistake if I let this relationship with someone that I love go? And yeah, there are some comments. I think the consensus will probably be chase your dreams. Cause I don't like that. I don't like that it's just like a, cause you could still, you know, you can be like quote unquote traditional without just being a stay at home mom. Yeah. And I think that's weird for the vibe to be like, well no, I have the last say over what you do with your life. Yeah. I didn't like any of what I just heard, except for the fact that you're an ambitious woman. That's what I like to hear. But everything else, no, bad. I don't like it. Yeah. Really don't like it. And you know, things maybe just have to look different for you. Whether that means that you get married a little bit later, but I don't think that should mean that you don't chase your dreams. You're only 25. Yeah. You're a quarter of the way through your life and you're going to give up on the rest of your life, what you want to do with the rest of it now. No, no, no, no, no, no. We can marry a man later. That text that he sent you to me literally just said that he was breaking up with you. He was like, I just don't like how ambitious you are. I'm this isn't right for me. That's what it read as. I mean, that's basically where they're at. She's like, if we if I don't change this, we're going to split up. You should not. I think you're splitting up. I think you're splitting up. I would change yourself from man. Especially when it comes to your career, girl. Yeah. Yeah. We have some comments from OP. He yeah, he did say a few other things that were pretty hurtful, like insinuating that my life focus should solely be on becoming a mother. Those kinds of comments really made me second guess myself. I guess I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn't mean it the way it sounded. Sounds kind of ridiculous now that I'm typing it lol. He's always known for a very long time that I plan to become a vet, but just recently sprang this on me. I appreciate your comments. I think I know that I have to do the hard thing. It's just hard to accept at this moment. Maybe he loves me, but he certainly doesn't like me. Wolf, yeah, leave this guy. I've really been second guessing myself, but it's true that the man I'm meant to be with wouldn't look at my passions as a flaw and try to change me. It's just a sad thing to accept. I can't imagine giving up what I'm passionate about for a man. Oh man. Oh man. Who would one day find some other thing to pick me apart for and eventually leave me on my own? A part of me does want to see it through with him, but it feels like a bigger part of me is screaming at me not to do it. And we have an update from the same day. Thanks for the replies. I read every single one, and the general consensus is that I should not give up my goal of being a vet. I'm not going to give up my goal of being a vet. I'm not going to give up my goal of being a vet. A part of me knows that, but I just was second guessing if I was making the right decision. I really love him and have been with him since I was a teenager. If I'm being honest, I left out some information in order to try to keep the responses as non-biased as possible. I'll now be referring to my boyfriend as my ex. Period. Yeah. Okay. So some important information or answers to some comments that I saw. My ex has known for years about my dreams to become a vet and has only just recently sprang this on me that he doesn't want me if I go through with it. It started with me talking about the cost of vet school. He then gave me an ultimatum that if I go to vet school, then he's going to break up with me. He just can't afford it. He's just like, ah, I want a big wedding. So if you're going to spend all that money on vet school, I can't have my sparkly suit. That's so funny. And I can't have my fireworks. That's what he really wanted was a big extravagant wedding. I can't marry someone that's spending their money on their career. Babe, babe, this isn't about me being the breadwinner and you having no income and me having control over you for the rest of our lives. This is purely about my sparkly diamond suit. Yeah, if you can afford both, then by all means. But I need fireworks when we say I do. Okay. When I told him that I'm not giving up on that goal, he kind of went back on his ultimatum. But then a week later is when he brought it up again. Hence my post. So yes, he did ask me to give up being a vet. He told me that I wasn't acting like a lady. That as a woman, my purpose is to be a mom and a wife and that I have no idea how the world works. If you go to vet school, you're going to have to assist a cow being birthed or something. You got to stick your hand all the way up in a cow. That's not womanly to be elbow deep in a cow's uterus. No, it is not. I can't marry someone like that. Another comment. Ask why I would have to move back to my hometown. I moved out of my hometown and have been in a long distance relationship ever since. My ex used to tell me that his plan was to move to the new city I live in now but he randomly decided against that. He was not willing to budge and told me many times that I would have to move back in order for us to be together. This was another point of contention for us. I know what's not working and it's this relationship. That's crazy. That's right. You can say that again, girl. So he wants a traditional wife. He wants a traditional wife that he could carry around in his little pocket and he can bring out whenever he wants to have her take care of the children. He's a big old stinker. Yeah. You know, find a man that, you know, is excited to have that family with you and is determined to make it work with you and your job and your ambitions. Many people were wondering if he had the resources to take care of a state, a mother and a big family. The short answer is maybe for a while. He hasn't had a stable job for months, but he has a good amount of money in assets. It would be okay for the short term, but definitely would not provide the life that he or I have expressed that we would want. I left all of this information out because I wanted to hear people's advice at face value. But I recognize that all of this is pretty important information. I'm not sure if I'm missing any other important questions, so I'm open to answering more if needed. But I think at this point, the case is pretty cut and dry. He and I are broken up. I've come to the conclusion that even if I did everything he wanted me to do, he would still find something to put me down for and end up leaving me anyways. It sucks, but I guess I'll just focus on becoming a vet and the whole family thing will hopefully come when it's meant to. Thanks to you guys again for your comments. I received such great advice and I appreciate what everyone said so much. And we've got more comments. Comment number one. Man has no job and wants a stay-at-home wife? I don't think he knows how it works. Comment two. Why is it that the guys who seem to want a traditional wife the most are the least prepared to fill the role of a traditional husband? No steady job or a low-paying job that can in no way support the size family they want. They usually can't even support themselves. OP says it's because they are mediocre that they want a traditional wife. These men are losers and they don't have the intelligence, perseverance or the hygiene to make themselves better. Therefore, the shortcut to feeling better about themselves is to latch themselves onto a system where they are above women by default. That way they don't need to do any self-improvement. They can just bask in the luck of their birth. That's actually a really well put sentence right there. That's very true. It's similar to how diddlers gravitate towards religion because the system protects them and accord them instant authority instead of actually working to prove they are deserving of it. Comment three says, I'm working up with you because you're too ambitious for me. Her answer should have been, oh, that works for me because you're not ambitious enough for me. Yeah. Boo! Oh, I feel like that's a more common thing that I've heard of people breaking up because one person isn't as ambitious as the other and they're like, boring. Pretty much. Boring. Boring, you are boring. Boring. Boring. I was thinking that from the beginning, but to find in her second post that he doesn't even have a job right now was just the cherry on top of this Sunday. And that is the end of that story. Boom! End of the story. End of the relationship. Hey, it's Angie, your favourite fake redhead host here. And we're going to get back to the stories, but here's a three-minute ad break from our sponsors. No gloss. No filter. Just stories. Spoken without fear. Addiction is a disease and it should be looked upon as any other disease. How did you cope with a reckless father like me? Join me, Pooja Bhatt, as I sit down every week with directors, actors, musicians, technicians and beyond. You don't need to work with the biggest people and the biggest sound to have great music. I have gone through the Saab Siddhi Khachakar, reached the pinnacle, stung by the snake and I've fallen down again. Yeah. I am not writing actively anymore and when I see my old work it kind of saddens me. I'm only as good as the last shot that I gave. Mom's gone but don't shut the door. The show must go on. Listen to my weekly podcast, the Pooja Bhatt Show on the iHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Come for the honesty. Stay for the fire. I've been dating three different people without even knowing it. I think we need to up our situational awareness. I don't know where to begin. So everything may sound just as confusing as I feel right now. A few months ago I started seeing a guy I met through my new job. We don't work together. We connected in an incredible way. We started out simply talking for one or two hours a day after work by video call since we were both working remotely. And almost every Saturday we would go out to do something together. Normal dates. By the way, this comes from great emphasis 43.93 and if you want to submit your own stories go to the r slash ok story time separate it. And I'm Angie. I'm Dakota. I'm Carly. And we're here to give good advice goofily but we don't have all the answers. We just know we would do in these situations. So let us know what you would do in the comments. So, OP continues. Then he finally got a job he had been trying to get but it was in person so he stopped the video calls. He began calling me as soon as he left work and we would talk the whole way until he got home made something to eat and so on. I'm talking about four hours or more of conversation every day Monday to Friday. We stopped going out so much on Saturdays. At first I thought it was because he was tired and adjusting to working in person again after such a long time working from home. But now I think he noticed that I was already becoming suspicious of something. I could say I'm very perceptive but I think I'm simply not stupid. From the beginning I noticed a few things. Sometimes he seemed very confident and other times he seemed shy. Our conversation topics were very varied ranging from very superficial everyday things like preferring to cook with garlic or onions to deep and philosophical subjects. We have literally discussed the theories of some philosophers. I think garlic is pretty philosophical. And I'm not saying a person can't be interested in a wide range of topics because I am but it simply didn't feel like I was talking to the same person. What caught my attention the most was his choice of words. He wrote differently, spoke differently. For example one day he would use abbreviations the next day he wouldn't or he would abbreviate words in a different way. The same when speaking. It's hard to explain but imagine a friend who has just learned the meaning of a word and starts using it in a conversation. You can tell it's not a word that he would normally use and that it's something new. That's the feeling only on a much larger scale. At first I didn't think about multiple personalities obviously. In fact until he told me that he had dissociative identity disorder that hadn't crossed my mind at all. I just felt that something was wrong. So yesterday I decided to ask him directly. We don't go to each other's homes. For example I said he was my boyfriend just to keep it short but we've known each other for four months. I don't know where he lives and he doesn't know where I live either. In any case even if I did go to his place I think I would still have preferred to have this conversation somewhere neutral. I chose a cafe that had some more secluded tables in case the conversation turned to very personal topics. I'm very straightforward and I hate when things are sugar coated so as soon as we sat down I simply said explain. I didn't give any more context because I didn't have any. I just needed Tim to explain and I knew he would know what I was talking about. That's good technique. You sit down. Explain. Explain. You bring your own lamp to table lamp and you turn that on and shove it in their face. Explain. Explain and you sound like an old explain yourself. So he must have been expecting it because he didn't even pick up the menu when we sat down. As a positive point I can say that he answered directly saying that he did have dissociative identity disorder. As you can imagine I started asking a lot of questions because I had and still have many doubts. As a negative point I can say that he left. Not physically but the him who had been talking to me initially left internally. I saw his expression change and it was the strangest thing I've ever seen in my life. I get chills just remembering it. It was frankly frightening. I was in shock not knowing whether to run away or say something. First thing the new him did was take out a small green notebook that he always carries with him and flip through the pages. Then he said he would need some context and asked what we were talking about. I told him that he had told me about the disorder and that I was asking questions. And he completed it by saying that the coward had run away. Whoa this is freaky. This is a little intense. That's intense. I know it's a real thing but I'm sure even if you're being super chill with it and accepting of it and everything I'm sure it's still like freaky to see happening in front of you. Especially with those words too. Where you forgot everything from before. That's pretty gnarly. I thought that's not quite what it was. Don't you not just forget everything that just happened? You still remember what happened. I don't really know that much. I'm sure there's a spectrum of how that... I also didn't totally... All the information I have is based on movies. Yeah the movie split. I don't watch that one but... I don't think that one's hyper accurate all the time. But you know... yeah. Hopefully he doesn't turn into a monster. Yeah the coward had run aways. Spooky oaky. After the initial shock and after that comment I have to admit that really irritated me. I know this isn't a normal situation but he left me talking to myself. Walked away in the middle of the conversation and we weren't even arguing. I was just asking questions. Anyway the conversation continued with the new hymn. It became clear that I was talking to the more self-confident version of him. He was relaxed as if everything were normal. He said he was hungry and that he preferred to answer my questions while eating. In short, I felt a bit stupid for not thinking about multiple personalities before but now it all seems so obvious. I repeated the questions I had asked and that he hadn't answered. I don't think you should feel stupid for not considering multiple personalities. Yeah. It's a pretty rare mental health disorder. Yeah. I asked many questions. I won't remember all of them but I'll mention the ones that I think are most important. I asked about how many personalities he had and he said he had five diagnosed. Then I asked about specific situations in which I had noticed the changes so I could identify who was who. Apparently over these past months I've had contact with three personalities. I called the main one Gareth because it's the first letter of his name. He suggested calling him C for the coward but I found that offensive. The one who usually talks to me about philosophical topics I called Paul. And the one who took over to answer my questions I called Kevin because he said he was the one who kissed me, which was the only physical contact we've had so far. I asked about the other two that I don't know but he didn't want to talk about them and I didn't push it. I asked whether they communicate internally and I felt very stupid asking that and he said no, that they don't know what the others do and don't remember anything. But they've developed a system which is the notebook he carries everywhere. They write down what they think is important so that if another one takes over they're sort of up to date. Interesting. He also said he hardly has any triggers and that very few things cause the switching. He said he's a functional man, he lives alone, works and so on. Some of the questions I asked seem to have offended him a bit such as whether he takes medication and what kind of treatment he has for this. Overall I think the night ended on good terms even though everything was a bit strange but he hasn't spoken to me since. He hasn't sent me any messages and I don't know whether he'll call me tomorrow when he leaves work like he always does. This is the situation I'm in now. I like him but we don't have a relationship that's lasted for years and I think that if I'm going to end things I better do it now before I get more emotionally involved. On the other hand I wonder whether this is really a reason to end things between us. I imagine it's similar to being with someone who has a disability. I don't know because I'm not part of that world but those people also have relationships, get married and start families. Am I being prejudiced? I can't deny that I'm worried about my safety. I spent today researching this and found out that DID is caused by some kind of trauma. Could one of his personalities be dangerous or violent? But then again, anyone could be. He didn't want to talk about the other two but that may simply be because it's something very personal. I also don't tell him many things considering that we don't yet have the level of intimacy needed to get into that. I even thought about asking him to give me a report from his psychologist with basic information about each personality so I'd know what I'd be dealing with but that feels extremely invasive. I feel like getting an official report from your psychologist would be a little much but you could ask him about each one. I think for me it's a little bit too much for me to bite off. That's just how I feel. I think if the question of are you medicating this at all was met with sort of hostility? Goodbye. Yeah, I could understand if it's kind of like, oh well do you think it should? Do you think it's a prop? I can understand being defensive of that I guess. But yeah, I mean I would want to know that too if they would be like medicated or something how you're treating it. If anything, to just get to know you a little more. Yeah, you know. I'm very confused and I really need an external point of view. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation or dealt with someone with the ID even if not romantically? Are these just prejudices or is my fear valid? Should I break up with him? We do have an update. I'm grateful for all the replies I've received even the most absurd ones. Some raised new questions for me and others simply shocked me. I'll clear up a few doubts from the comments before talking about what happened today. First of all, he didn't ignore me. I said he hadn't spoken to me since Saturday but I also didn't message him. In other words, there was no conversation because neither of us initiated one. As for him being upset about the question regarding medication, he didn't become aggressive or irritated. It simply seems like a sensitive topic and he appeared slightly offended. I think anyone would feel that way and his reaction seemed completely normal to me. That leads me to the questions about whether he receives any kind of treatment. Yes, when I asked about the medication he said he doesn't take anything but he does therapy twice a week. Regarding the switches being constant and whether he's actually functional with this, I don't think the switching is that frequent. As far as I can tell, I spoke to Paul once and to Kevin twice. The rest of the time I interacted only with Gareth. I noticed it more because the differences were very striking, not because it happened often. I'm not in contact with him all day, only for a few hours a day, so I really can't say whether he switches throughout the day. I believe he doesn't because as I said, he lives alone and works. He likes cooking and I don't see how it would be very feasible to follow a recipe if they forget things when they switch. I don't feel uncomfortable with him or with the situation. I simply don't understand it. I would have the same reaction if he told me he was missing a leg or had an autoimmune disease or anything else that was different and outside of what's normal for me. I would have many questions and would wonder whether it's something I should worry about and what I should take into consideration. In short, I have doubts, not fear. About me not knowing much about him and about our dates, yes, I don't know where he lives and no, I don't know any of his family members or friends, but he doesn't know me either, nor does he know where I live. In other words, we're on equal footing. I do know people from his previous workplace. We were introduced, so he isn't a complete stranger. We've gone out almost every Saturday over the past four months. He didn't suddenly stop wanting to go out, but he stopped suggesting plans. Before, he was the one excited about making plans and in the past month, I was the one proposing them. My assumption is that either he was very tired from working in person and simply didn't want to leave the house in his free time, or he had already noticed that I was finding something strange and wanted to avoid being more exposed. As for him hating himself or having issues with his personalities, I can't really say. From my perspective, if he has a personality that only appears in tense situations and has to solve the problems he gets himself into, I think I'd be irritated too. Or maybe he was just annoyed because there was no information in the notebook. The impression I get is that because he has DID, anything he does is seen in negative light, even things that are perfectly normal. I see him as an intelligent, independent man with plans for the future. He has a degree, which I imagine must have been difficult to achieve given his condition, and it also explains why he's so reluctant to do a master's degree, even though he says it would be good for his career, and he has a job he enjoys. The fact that he has a disability only makes me think that he must have faced more difficulties to get to where he is now. He says he's functional and I believe him, especially based on what I know about him so far. He seems to have found a way to function, and I find that admirable. He uses the notebook a lot. I'd already noticed it during our video calls, sometimes he would stop talking to write things down. I thought it was just like a notepad where he wrote things he remembered at the moment so he wouldn't forget them again, something he had to do or buy, for example. But this shows that he takes seriously what must have been suggested by his psychologist. Some new questions that came up for me from the comments were about whether he had reached some kind of internal consensus about me. Could he have personalities that don't like me? Until now, I had been seeing him as one person, just split but still one, but this raises the question of whether I should treat them as separate people. Could one personality be interested in someone else and cheat on me? I know I overthink, but that's how my brain works. I see one thing and think of 30 possibilities, both positive and negative. Now the actual update. He didn't talk to me at all today, and neither did I, but at the same time he usually calls me, he sent me a message asking whether he could call. It was strange at first, as if we had seen something very embarrassing about each other and didn't know how to act. There were long periods of silence on both sides. He apologized for not staying to answer my question. I tried to understand what had caused the trigger because I wasn't irritated and I hadn't been demanding or aggressive. I was simply trying to understand and I had to. But he didn't want to go too deeply into it and I didn't push. I accepted all of the it's complicated responses as him not wanting to talk about it and I respected that. Little by little, our conversation became normal again, like our previous conversations. The truth is that I didn't want DID to be the main topic. I wanted us to go back to our routine and that's what happened. He's getting a few friends together at his place on Friday and invited me. He told me to bring some friends as well so I'd feel safer. Maybe now that I know the secret, he feels safe enough to be more open. I'm going. I've already asked a friend to come with me. As for whether I'll break up with him or not, I still haven't decided. I don't think I have enough information to make that decision yet. There are enough good things in our relationship to make me feel I need to take my time to think through it. Maybe I should give you a few examples so you can better understand the position I'm in. We love examples over here. I do love a good little example. I have a lot of responsibilities at work and I manage a large team. There are weeks when I barely have anything to do. The team is running like a perfectly tuned machine. And then there are a few weeks when it feels like no one is working or there's simply too much demand for the team to handle. And I have an overwhelming amount to do. I barely sleep and barely eat. Give you an idea. I have someone who cooks for me. She brings me a plate of food while I'm working and has been instructed to come back from time to time to check whether I'm eating to remind me to finish my meal because I get so focused on work that I forget. She takes the plate away when the food gets cold, reheats it and brings it back to me until I finish eating. Wow. That sounds like a... If you can afford that dude, that sounds like a great thing to have in your life. A designated reheater. Yeah. I'm going to make sure I don't get too distracted to eat. I need that for sure. And on the days she doesn't work during these very busy periods, I don't eat anything all day and only eat when I finish work around 5 to 6 p.m. And that's the only meal I have. That said, it's obvious that our video calls coincided with those periods. And while he, in every call, was always very well presented, I don't know whether because he got ready for them or simply because his job involved a lot of meetings. Many times, I wasn't. Imagine someone who has slept for four hours for several days in a row, got out of bed straight to sit in front of the computer, worked all day and barely eaten. In many of those calls, I was disheveled, hadn't even had time to wash my face and had just stopped working to go and eat, looking and feeling like a zombie. I think my final thought on this would be like, exactly what I've already said. Yeah. That like, if this was just like someone, like a co-worker, like a friend, this is a friendship, it's like, okay, I can, we can, I can do this, that's okay. But in like a relationship, it's just too much for me. Yeah. And person to person, I feel like that's okay. Yeah. Not to say that like anyone with this guy's condition at the level it's at, like, can't date. Totally. But like, it would be, it would require, all of that would have to be required upfront, which is probably really hard to do. Yeah. But I can't, you can't be talking to me for like four months and have never told me that you have legitimate split personality. Because that's, that's like, you're leaving too much off the table with that. Yeah, I get you. You know? You want it upfront. I would have needed it upfront. Yeah. If I was going to make a run at it. I get you. I get you. There is a little bit more to the story though. The first time I apologized and explained that I had been very busy and simply didn't have the energy to get ready for our call. He didn't mind and didn't run away from my mad looking appearance. And that was right at the beginning. In short, I bring things to the table too. And I think we both need to decide whether we can handle each other's baggage. I told him today that I will probably be prejudiced, disrespectful and unintentionally touch on sensitive topics with my questions and fears. And I asked whether he's willing to deal with that. I don't think it's very pleasant to deal with someone who doesn't know what they're doing. Dude, honestly though, part of me is a little suspicious. That's not... He's making it up or something? Whoa. Whoa. I get you. Just a little sprinkle of suspicion there. Just because it's like when you're like trying to get more into it, be like, yeah, so how is it? What exactly? It's complicated. Well, that's a great way to not explain something you can't explain. Yeah. Right? If you were to not explain it. If you were to not explain something you can't explain. If you were to not be telling the truth, however, he could be. I'm sure someone's faked it. I'm sure there have been people who have faked that. Didn't Tricia Paytas fake it a couple of years ago? Did she? Yeah, I'm sure. But you know, it would be a really hard thing to fake convincingly, to be clear. Yeah. He was doing it so subtly. I don't think he would have gone through all that trouble of carrying a notebook and stuff and like really, really working on it to make it work. I don't know. This could have just been like, you know, a quirky high school lie that spun out of control for this guy. You know what I mean? Yeah. But it also might not. But I don't know. I think at the end of the day, that's the thing that's making me be like, I don't think that this would work because it's like, there's not 100% like up frontness and openness with like. Yeah. What it is and how it impacts him and like, what affects him like more like, I just, yeah, there's too much in the dark. I guess you. A lot going on in this one. This is the long update I have for now. I may come back on Saturday or Sunday if I have anything to add after Fridays get together. I don't think anything relevant will happen before that. In any case, I appreciate any new advice, especially from those who seem to have real experience with people with DID and on whether or not to treat the personalities as separate people. And that's the end of that story. Yeah. I mean, I think that was a really good thing that she said to him where she was like, you know, I'm probably going to end up being prejudiced or insensitive on accident because I like don't know about it or when I'm trying to ask questions about it. Are you willing to deal with that? Like, you know, it's not on purpose. I'm just don't know. So yes, that is something that he's going to have to choose to. And he wouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't understand or is fearful of it, you know. Yeah. So. And that's the end of this story. No gloss, no filter, just stories spoken without fear. A person who is not generous cannot be an artist. The world will be at peace only when it is ruled by poets and philosophers. Listen to my weekly podcast, the Pooja Bhachow on the iHeart radio app. Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Come for the honesty. Stay for the fire.