#732 - ALI SIDDIQ + KIM CONGDON

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony HinchCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it over, Tony HinchCliff! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Brain Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. What's up? And that is the best damn band in all of the land, everyone. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Bel Grande. The great man mulling on the electric guitar, the leader of the band, John Dees on the keys, and the backbone, the one and the only, the notorious D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my god. What a show we are going to have tonight. We're happy to have you all. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible, especially Zip Recruiter, Shopify, PrizePix and OpenPhone. But here's some more. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Every single week, two of the best comedians in the world, I book on this show this week. No different. One of them has the most watched special of 2025, including 10 specials available on YouTube. The other one is one of the original regulars of the show. 12 years ago, she was forced under the cruel tutelage unheard of at the time of writing and performing a new minute every single week for the internet. Today, she is one of the best female stand-up comedians in all of the world. Yes, tonight, Allie Sadiq and Kim Congdon, everybody. Fuck yes. Oh shit, Kim Congdon. Allie Sadiq. His new special is on YouTube at Allie Sadiq Comedy. He's on tour, Allie Sadiq Comedy, AllieSadiq.com, Kim Congdon.com on tour, Nashville, Tacoma, Charlotte, Fort Wayne, Dallas. Welcome back, guys. You've both done the show before this episode brought to you by Zibra Kooter Shop of High Prize Picks and Open Phone. Just made an extra few tens of thousands of dollars there. Don't mind me. Yes. Business is booming. Welcome back, guys. Allie, how are you? I am wonderful. I'm doing great. Making a lot of money. Damn right. Can they do that money sign thing for me? Yeah, let's do it one more time. Thank you. We love that. Did the lights go a little bit? Do it again. Do it again, Red Band. Wow, amazing. You guys are, I love the firework edition there for no reason. Nobody asked for that. Nobody asked for that. Kim, how you feeling? I'm doing great. Can you do the money sign but stop it halfway? Yes. She's coming up the ranks. Kim Congdon.com for tickets. Yes. That's right. You guys know how it works. About 300 comedians signed it for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. They do a minute uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interrupt them and we talk about their lives, about their set, about anything that might be more interesting that they possibly could talk about or anything interesting about their lives whatsoever. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? While we go wrangle the comedian from the bar next door that I just pulled out of the bucket, we are going to start with a very, very special comedian. While he's not a regular and he's not a Golden Ticket winner, he's been on only one time ever before, but I want to see more of him. I think everybody wants to see more of him. I kind of think he's an instant legend in my mind. Make some noise for the long-awaited return. Kicking off tonight's show with a brand new minute. This is Sir Winston Pickle. Anybody else relieved when a severe weather warning turns out to be just an Amberolite? I've actually lost my cell phone. I accidentally put it in Malaysian airplane mode. So that's gone. I've been married twice, buried my first wife. Shallow grave in the woods. No, that's just a joke everyone. Chill in the patio. My second marriage, that ended when I found out my wife was a swinger. I know, I had no clue, no idea. Left work early one Friday, sneaked home, crept in the house, snuck up the stairs, opened the bedroom door, there she was. She'd hanged herself. She was swinging. Sir Winston Pickles. Hell yeah. Hello sir. Welcome back my friend. I love your style, a dark dirty evil clown. You are so photogenic, videographic, I'm not exactly sure what the word is, but you play well on this show. Thank you, I have my mother's eyes. Yes. They're in a Mason jar, but I have them. Wait what? They're in a Mason jar. Oh Jesus Christ, see what I'm talking about? He just got me again. Sir Winston Pickled. Heck, fuck yeah. I love your style, Sir Winston Pickles. Remind us, how long you been on stand up now? Six years, I've stand up ten years as a clown. Right, six years of stand up ten years in white face. Absolutely incredible, fun times. Is this your guys' first time seeing Sir Winston Pickles, Allie? Yes, and I'm terrified. I don't fuck with clowns man, and I'm sitting there like... Do a magic trick, he'll run away. Sir Winston Pickles, you're both British and a clown, I would imagine a black people really are freaked out by you. They've read it to me, yes. Yeah. I haven't seen my neighbors, no. You have black neighbors? Yes, apparently. Oh, okay. He's British, he's so white, this is like actually black face for him. Sir Winston Pickles, what do you do when you're not clowning around or doing stand up? Yeah, I collect things. Yeah, like what? Well... Allie, people! What do you collect? My greatest accomplishment was getting the fingerprint of a school friend. Fingertip. Fingertip of... Yes, a school friend. A school friend. Junior school, yes. He cut his fingertip off in wood shop and I picked it up, thought the hospital would need it, and I kept it. This is one of those moments where it's not a bit. And we're watching this thing that's going to happen. It's a true story. We're in the documentary right now, you guys. Did you put it in? I put it in, I thought the hospital would need it. I mean, Barry Manow was only nine. You were doing the right thing. Then nobody asked for it, so I kept it. Wow. What the fuck? Allie, spooky shit. That is freaky. That part's freaky. Do you ever fall asleep in the makeup? Yes, often. Do you ever fall asleep? I don't know. I love it, Sir Winston Pickles. His eyes are so red, too. Do you see how red they are? That's all these vaping fuckers. It affects your eyes? Yes. He has a San Antonio Mexican ladies eyebrows. Boo! Allie Sadiq. You're damn right he does. Holy shit, I was wondering what looked familiar about you. That's what it is. Absolutely incredible. Sir Winston, is there anything interesting about you that we haven't learned in any of the other parts of the two interviews that you've done? I left England and unbeknownst to anybody, I just took off. I had a psycho bitch for her first wife, and she came home from work and I'd already gone, moved to America. Just like that. Wow. Did you ever call her and tell her? Nope, just left. Wow. Good for you. Yeah. Allie. Sir John's got out of there. If he didn't have on the makeup, he'd be a pinky blinder. Sir Winston. That is true. Well Sir Winston, you got tonight's show started for us. Another solid new minute, starting with some dark clown fun. I loved it. Thank you so much. Make some noise. The show has begun. Sir Winston Pickles has started it. And now we go to the bucket. Yes. And your next, or your first bucket pool of the night, as you guys know, this is where we meet somebody all together. Could be the next future star of the show, could be a crazy person. Anything can happen. Make some noise. Your first bucket pool, one minute uninterrupted, going to Jenny Ann, everybody. Jenny Ann starting off the bucket. Hi everybody. My name's Jenny Ann. And I bought the sexiest car America's ever made. And no, it's not a Tesla Cybertruck. It's a Mustang convertible from 1969. Yeah, probably the year some of you were born. And you're probably wondering, well, why do you have this car? Well, I wanted to attract men who like beautiful, high maintenance things over the age of 30. And now, and I want to impress my ex. And now I'm selling it because I want to impress my therapist. And so you're probably wondering, does it drive? Does it matter you're in a 69 Mustang? Does it turn on? Does it matter you're in a 69 Mustang? Will it make your dad love you? Does it matter you're crying in a 69 Mustang? Thank you. Jenny Ann with exactly one minute and zero punchlines. Incredible Jenny Ann. I don't even know where to begin with that. My God, unbelievable. The good news is you're already the seventh funniest female stand-up comedian in the world. I fucked that up. I fucked that up. Your bombing is airborne. I just caught it. I caught a taste of it. Jenny, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Six months. Six months. Hell yeah. What made you want to start now? I need to sell 69 Mustang. That seems to be it. That's a great way to do it. Yeah. Incredible Allie Siddique. She looks like my financial advisor. That's a compliment. What do you do for work, Jenny Ann? Oh boy. She's the financial advisor. Are you really? You really are? Yeah, I work in venture capital. Wait, is she really your financial advisor? Allie said it like it was a joke, but this could really actually be your financial advisor. These people bring their whole entourage when they go do shows. All I'm telling you, it's my financial advisor, the cater, the fucking personal chef, the list, the that. So how long have you been financial advising for? I've been working in venture capital for over 10 years. Do you really have a 69 Mustang? I do. You can check it out at the69mustang.com. Honestly, the whole thing sounds like a porn audition. She came in and she was like, so you're probably wondering. It's incredible. And so is all of the material that you've written in the past six months about this 69 Mustang? And when I worked at NASA, yeah. Okay. Tell us about working at NASA. What was that like? Is the earth as flat as your chest? This is kill Tony. She has hips though. She does have hips. Hips have been confirmed. What was NASA like, Jenny? What'd you do over there? It was like, um, I was like, space X is daddy. I know what NASA is. I'm asking you what you did at NASA. I worked in the bioengineering department on a project to grow algae in space. Oh, catering. Yes. Catering for astronauts. Yes, absolutely. Okay. All right, Jenny. I'm going to ask you a question. Absolutely. Okay. All right, Jenny and where do you live? In Austin. Okay. How long have you lived here? Since 21. 2021. Okay. Where were you up before that? California. In space. Bioengineering in space. Even in space, they put us in the kitchen. Yeah. It's true. It is true. And in space, no one can hear y'all. Yeah. All the time. You know what I'm saying? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You read the poetry. All right. Jenny and so what made you leave NASA and go into venture capitalism? I turned it all military vehicle museum into a hacker house. And I had like eight founders and I wanted to learn how finance worked. And so I cold emailed and got a job in BC. Okay. What do you do for fun? What do you do for fun when you're not, when you're not. Right. Right jokes that bomb. Right, right, right. But I mean, like when you're not doing that, what do you, you must, when you want to like let your hair down and take the glasses off or whatever. When you want to, she like plugs her clit into like a USB and like. Calls it a night. I'm pretty introverted. So I like spend time with my friends. I go on walks. You go on walks. Okay. That's from the therapist advice as well. What do you do when you spend time with your friends? What do you guys do together? Go to. Go on walks. 60. What is it? We go on walks, we get dinner, we get drink. What do you do with your friends? Oh, wow, that's a good question, Jenny Ann. A bunch of highly detailed stuff that I would never tell you about because you'd be staring at me through the outside window. Because you have crazy energies, Jenny Ann. Do you have a sex swing? No. Her car is actually pretty awesome. Wow, what a follow-up. Follow-up to the sex swing. Yes, we know what a 69 mustang. Is that the actual website? That is so weird. You built a website to sell one 69 mustang. Yes. You only have one for sale? Yes. We can make t-shirts. But have you... You suck at selling this car. It's a beautiful car. How much are you asking for it? Whatever anyone wants to bid. Okay, this is for Tarty, Jenny Ann. This is crazy. Whatever anyone wants to bid. Give her spots on Kill Tony for it. No. Much like her jokes, I feel like it doesn't work. Yeah. Yeah. The red stripe. I'm pretty mad at this. Yeah. Alright, Jenny. She has a Mustang gallery. That's what we're looking at. Yeah, it's just the one car. You're very type A. I'm actually pretty time-cheeked. But yeah. Jenny Ann. She lowered her type. She's like, oh, I'm B. Okay, Jenny Ann. I'm gonna let you go. I'm gonna let you go. She's heard that before. Yeah. Okay, I'm sorry. If he said it, it'd be funny. Did you have fun here tonight? Yeah. Okay. Alright, here's a little joke book. Here we go. Boom. Good catch, Jenny Ann. Wow, shocking. Shocking catch from Jenny Ann. Alright, there she goes. Go on, Jenny Ann. Back to where you came from. Back to obscurity for Jenny Ann. Oh my God. Wow. Holy shit. Look at that. A woman with cleansing the room of Jenny Ann's energies. A woman with a fully operational vagina. I'm gonna drink all of this water. There once was a woman who lived in a shoe. A size two snug butt. What could she do? But that's not where her story ends. Thanks to a little help from her Experian friends, she got her score into much better shape and relocated to a box fresh new place with room to grow and a mortgage to suit. Now, she lives in a spacious four bedroom cowboy boot. Better your Experian credit score to help get mortgage ready. Experian. Better your score. Better your story. Alright, back to the bucket we go. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise. A minute from Jimmy Clifford, everybody. Jimmy Clifford. And here we go. So my little sister is a conspiracy theorist. And the other day she walked up to me and she goes, Hey, did you hear about this Helen Keller bullshit? And I was like, what was that? Alexa Jones? And she goes, yeah, my teacher's trying to peddle us some fake news saying this bitch was born blind and deaf. But I'm supposed to believe she learned how to read and even gave speeches. I'm like, yeah, right. Biden was the president and even he couldn't do both of those at the same time. I was like, Katie, Helen Keller was born blind and deaf. She goes, then how'd she learn how to read? And I was like, well, she had this teacher named Annie Sullivan. He used to teach her little symbols into her palm. And she learned to read that way to which my sister said, Palm reading is a scam used to steal money from white women. I'm like, okay, you got a point there. I'll give you that one. She goes, how'd she learn how to talk? And I went, fuck. I don't know. Did anyone here know how she learned how to talk? I had to look it up on Google. Apparently this is true. Annie Sullivan used to take Helen's hands, put it on her face and in her mouth, and she would feel the vibrations when she spoke and mimic those vibrations. Imagine walking in on that shit. Just some poor little disabled girl finger-banging your teacher's face over and over again. All right, Jimmy Clifford. Hello. Welcome with a super... That was intense, Ollie. A super topical bit about Helen Keller learning how to make noises. I'm pretty sure that bit was old at the time that this Mustang convertible that's for sale was made. That was insane, Ollie. He looked at me like I did the growl. I've been over here suffering, listening to you, and you're gonna look at me like I did something. He didn't help me, Ollie. You let me drown. Not my job! That was actually the sound of Helen Keller trying to say hello. Kim Congdon. I feel like we all wish we were blind and deaf during that. That was something else. Jimmy, how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for like a decade. A decade? A decade! And you went with your Helen Keller... I went with the Helen Keller joke, you know? Apparently a poor decision. But he spent five years of that explaining to 15-year-olds who Nirvana was, so... That was about as good as the Helen Keller joke. Thank you. Wow. Jesus. I think a battle of the Titans here. Jimmy Clifford versus Kim Congdon out of nowhere. So, Jimmy, what made you choose that material tonight? I don't know. It felt mean. Felt like this was the right room for it. So people do. They think that. It's interesting. Yeah, I don't know why. There was a fucking clown up two people ago. It's a sweet little room. I don't know why you'd be mean or dark or anything like that. Yeah, how do you talk about Helen Keller but be the retard? You... Now, Kim's pissed. No, don't do the stand-up thing, Kim. Stay seated. We're not on Legion of Skanks right now where you have to, like, make sure everybody knows you were just funny. Jimmy. Jimmy, what do you do for work? I'm a video editor. A video... What kind of videos are you editing? Child porn. Is it child porn, Jimmy? It's not child porn. Okay, what are you editing? I edit all sorts of things. I edit a lot of online content where I make fun of people on Cameo. Okay. I mean, I feel like Cameo's pretty topical for Kill Tony. Most of the regulars is how they make their day-to-day wage. Again, dead silence after everything you say. It's almost amazing. Like, if we wanted to get room tone for audio, I would just have you do a joke so we could hear... Make sure that we have the ventilation and the light sound of lighting and everything. I'm editing out of the baseline sound. It never gets quieter than when you try to make some noise in this room. Jimmy, so where do you live? Austin? I live in Austin. For how long? About four or five years. And where were you up before that? Jersey. Okay, you're from Jersey. What was that like? Living in Jersey? Yeah. I mean, it was pretty good. I lived down the shore, so it was fucking nice. A lot in, you know... I don't know. Have you been to Jersey? There's not really much I can say about it. Okay, I guess not. Ten years in stand-up and a lifetime in Jersey, not much to say. Either one of the things, I guess. What do you think the most interesting thing about your entire life is, Jimmy? The most interesting thing about my entire life is... I married an immigrant. You're a what? Yeah. What? I married an immigrant. Okay. Yeah. Where'd you meet the immigrant at? Scotland. You went to Scotland. I went to Scotland. What made you go to Scotland? The Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Oh, okay. So you went out there. You're having it right now? Yep. And then what happened? Were you at a coffee shop or what? No, I just started screaming at people on the street to come to my comedy shows because, you know, I had to do something. Clearly, Kiltoni wasn't moving the tickets for me. So I barked her into a show, she enjoyed it, and then she came back. Wow. Yeah. Wow. So she came up to you and she goes, I want to see you share. Yeah. And then after the show, what did you do with her? You guys go have drinks or something? Yeah, grab drinks, got a date going. It was fun, you know. Did you hook up that first night with her? The gentleman never kisses and tells. Tony, that's my wife for fuck's sake. Boo, what do you know her? Kiss and tell, yeah. No, you're on a... You're on a show right now. You're on a show, Jimmy. Here's a little joke book. Ollie, what do you think about all this? It's crazy as hell that a lady who has been doing comedy for six months and a guy who's been doing it for a decade are in the same exact place. Yep. 100%. A lady who's been doing it six months that is much more venture capitalist and mentally ill than a comedian. Just body Jimmy Clifford who's coming back from festivals just fresh and ready. Alright, Jimmy. I'll be honest, I'm a little out of practice. I just had a baby about two months ago. There you go, that would have been an interesting thing to say five minutes ago. I mean, I know it's the most interesting thing in my entire life, Tony. I would say, you know, it's awesome. Bam! Well, I have... Ollie, you have like five kids. You can't say the one was the most interesting. No, no, no, no, no. I have nine. Do not deduct my children. Yeah, I got it. There he goes, Jimmy Clifford, everyone. We're going to keep it moving. We're having fun here tonight. Interesting bucket pools so far. Very interesting. Doesn't matter if you've been doing it ten years or six months, the pressure can get to you. Ladies and gentlemen, one minute uninterrupted. Next one is Liv Taylor. Liv Taylor. So, I recently turned 31 and as a woman, I realized that now I'm in my 30s, there's a point in your life that you realize you're no longer in your 20s. Like, that decade of your life is over. That defining point, there's a defining point. For me, I thought, that's just when you turn 30. Apparently, that was when I realized I went from having headlight tits to a headlight and a fog light. Bitch, where are you going? Like, I don't even have kids to blame this on, and I'm half Puerto Rican, which is nothing short of a miracle in and of itself. I am half, and I don't speak Spanish. I think I'm more of what you'd call like, sort of Rican instead. And I get that side from my dad. I talk about him, not because he's dead or anything, but because he's just such a fucking narcissist. He's Puerto Rican, it makes sense. But my dad's like that kind of narcissist that's, he went to a military high school. He's convinced that he's a veteran. Thank you. Liv Taylor. Amazing. Decent and somehow the best bucket pull of the night so far. Barely decent yet the number one ranked bucket pull of the night. I'll fucking take it, Tony. Hell yeah. I bet you would. You're half Puerto Rican? Is that why you think one of your tits is garbage? Probably. Still got it. Still got it. Leaning into the wind. All right. I love it. Liv Taylor. How long have you been on stand up? Almost two years in November. Okay. How do you make money? I'm a vet tech. Vet tech. Yeah, I actually have, I've been working for about two months. The last time I was on, I didn't have a job. I found a job not long after that. That's what happens. Kill Tony Bump. A lot of people think people just make money off cameo here for some reason. Seben as a vet tech. See you're around animals. I actually work in specialty. So I work in anesthesia and surgery. Amazing. Yeah. What is some of the worst animals to deal with that you've learned about so far? What are the ones when you're like, oh no, there's a fucking... Chihuahuas. Really? Land sharks. Yeah, they're pretty terrible. Not all of them. I'll give some credit. There are some nice ones, but for the most part they fucking suck. Yeah, I agree completely. That's why we're trying to deport a lot of them right now. Back to shit. Back to shiwawa. Huh? Back to shiwawa. There's a chihuahua in Mexico. Oh, okay. Yes, got it. You said it like it was one word. I was trying to back to chihuahua. There you go. I thought she put a spell on you. Yeah, that was weird. That was weird. One of my tits feels weird all of a sudden. Whoa! All right. Liv, what do you do for fun? I'm a very homebody, so I hang out at home with my dogs. I like to hang out with friends. I've pretty much bar hop since I've been here in Austin. Really just trying to start a new life. Religious? No, to God, no. No, no, no. No, not religious. Yeah, no, movies. Just really hang out. I'm very boring, I would say. I've really delved into comedy. That's why I moved to Austin. What are some of the wildest things that you've seen out there in the comedy scene? This whole show, it's always comedians. We never really get to delve into the gritty, what it's like at the Austin Open mics and whatnot. What have you seen? What can you tell us about it? It's pretty dirty out here, man. Describe that for people. There's piss literally everywhere. I mean, you can be friends with the homeless, or you can be their worst enemy. I choose the latter. I think better that way. I'm going to keep my distance. How about at the Open mics? Once you get there, you're talking more about the walk to the Open mics. It's literally what you think it is. It's just like hundreds of us just sitting around waiting for our names to be called. Some people get sloshed out, shit-faced. I just kind of hang out with my little group of friends that I have. You don't get shit-faced. No, I drink here and there, but I don't get shit-faced. Exactly. At least on these nights. Why get shit-faced when you already have a shit body? You're right, Liv. Oh, come on. Shut up. What kind of show do you think you showed up to? It's this 40-pound shed from last year, so I think I'm actually pretty okay. Oh, you're... That's great. That's great. Griefs one hell of a diet. Say that again? I said, griefs one hell of a diet. What happened? What did you lose? I'm a widow. I lost my husband last year. Oh, shit. Yeah, we talked about it last time. It's cool. Remind me. What happened? He flipped his truck. Ah, that's right. There it is. Always fun. There he is. We have amazing technology here at Rogan's Comedy Club. Thank you to Spotify for the amazing technology. We're able to tap into the audio in heaven. It is quite incredible. We're getting worried that your former husband is trying to tell us something right now. Where's he at? Oh, wow. Okay. What's his name? Joe. Joe? Joe. Joe is joining us from heaven. Joe, this is a brand new segment on this show. We're testing out this new technology. That soundboard's terrible. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Wait, was that Antonio Brown I just heard? Is he dead? Antonio, would you say? I'll pass on that. Oh, my God. All right. So Liv, if you have a short-term goal for your comedy, what would it be? I'd like to be at least featuring in the next two years. I know I'm not ready for something like that. Now I'm definitely still working and building as we all are. I'd say two years. Good goal. Fun fact. I went to a show of yours. It was the year before my mom died. What year was that? 2023. I have a picture with you and him together. You guys have this uncanny look. Really? Yeah, it's very odd. Amazing. He's going like this. Wow. I'm sorry. Well, if you had a husband that looked like me and he was stuck with you, I could see why he wanted to flip that truck. Come on, we're getting here. She's smiling. She's living her dream. She's on the biggest show in her industry. Yeah, you gotta be nice. She was there. Part of the truck is still on her face. Oh, my God. You're getting... This is a very roasty panel, Liv. But I liked your set so much. So that you're leaving with a big jokebook today, Liv, just based on the fact that you're the best bucket pull so far. There you go. Liv Taylor. We're having fun. We're having fun. A lot of ooze and Oz from this crowd. Very sensitive crowd. The liberal girl whispering into her boyfriend's ear over there. I just think he's mean. Jesus Christ. All right. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Benny G. Benny G. Here he is. So I married the Wish.com version of my high school crush. The original was named Heidi. Big busty like this. The knockoff is more like this. Arthritis in both hands. The original was named Heidi. Big busty like this. Arthritis in both hands. Arthritis in both hands. Arthritis in both hands. But when we finally got divorced, she took me for pretty much everything. I was so ticked off that I called my sister directly after her and said, I hoped Obama at the time went the same route as the funny mustache man and just eradicated all redheads. And yeah, I was pretty ticked off. And she happens to have a son who's redhead and she said, well, what are we going to do with Elijah? I said, we're going to throw him in the attic like Anne Frank. So, but unfortunately that prayer did come true and they ended up going after red hats. So I've got to apologize to Gino Carano. Totally my bad. All right. I loved the first like 30 seconds of that. That was good. And then I have no idea really what the fuck you were talking about after that. I felt like I kind of got edged with genius. I thought it was going to go. The arthritis hand opener had me. I was very interested and then something, something redhead red hat. Okay. Hell yeah. Ollie, he's very nervous. You are? He's shaking so hard. I'm going to be a trembling. With the clown just to get makeup off. It's just regular old Winston Pickles up here. Benny G, how long you been on stand up? This is my very first try. Wow. Okay. That makes sense. No wonder you're shaking. Look at that. How old are you? I am 42. 42. What made you want to start today? I've been actually trying to sign up since October of last year and what got me down here was the Holy Spirit. I found Christ a little over a year ago and he put it on my heart to come be a comedian. Wow. Absolutely incredible. So when Christ found you and told you to come to kill Tony on a Monday night, what exactly did he say and where were you and when did this happen and what did you eat that day? It was a long journey. So I was an atheist for 40 years of my life and in January of 2024, I called out to a God I didn't believe in and I actually heard back room. Okay. So what's the number to God exactly? I mean you say you called out to God, what exactly happened? Can you describe this for us? I just got ripped off by my in-laws at the time. For how much? How much did they rip you off for? Give me a number. Not a specific number. I was supposed to be getting 75% of all the calls I was doing, but they ended up giving me 40% and yeah, I was taken aback by it and asked my wife to try to rectify the situation because they were her parents and she told me I needed to sell my belongings, sell myself like plasmas, stuff like that to make ends meet. And in that moment I called out to God. You talking about a real sympathy story here. Yeah, this is incredible. This is incredible. Did God tell you to leave that bitch? Was that his first thing he said? So... Ben Nici, it is me. I've come to answer your call. You deserve the 70%. You have to leave this family and sign up for Kill Tony on Monday night. In Austin, Texas, your story deserves to be heard. We actually did end up getting divorced. Ben, absolutely. I had a feeling I was on the spectrum, so I went and got tested and turns out I have Aspergers. I'm the waste of a test. It turns out in a stunning turn of events you have Aspergers. Congratulations on being the last person to find out. They tested them in the parking lot like a COVID test. They're like, yep, he just rolled down his window. They're like, yep, you got it. They saw his thumb in his pocket and they're like, yeah, go ahead. Old warm thumb, one of the first giveaways of Aspergers. All right. What's some of the most Aspergery things that you do? I have really bad social anxiety. I'm just not good with people. We could damn well look at you facing your fears head on. Absolutely incredible. Benny, jeez. What else have you been doing with your life for fun? Not a whole lot. Just going to church and volunteering where I can. Okay, so tell us about some of the volunteering that you've done. I did a week with Samaritan's Purse out in what is that, Western North Carolina or whatever where the hurricanes it. Okay. What did you do there? We were just clearing a bunch of different trees and stuff that had fallen in people's homes. Nice. Pretty cool. Incredible. You ever get, you ever talk to the devil? I mean, if God talks to you, I mean, you might as well, like they say lightning doesn't strike twice, but I mean, has the devil ever reached out to you since you have a direct, oh, we have someone. It appears that there's someone calling in. What do we got here? Hold on a second. Oh, oh, oh. I did get a call. Hello, Benny G. To be the devil. I know I sound a lot like God, but. Well, you asked if I talked to the devil. My ex-wife did call on Sunday. Oh, shit. Boom. This ex-wife is getting a lit up. A lit up. Hell yeah. You're nailing 70% of these jokes. I love it, Benny. Benny G, do you have any kids? I do. I have three kids. Three kids. I love it. And you get, are they growing up or? 17, almost 15 and almost 14. Wow. Okay. Do they have the devil inside them, like especially the 17 year old? No, he's actually on this. Fred, what is wrong with you? Do you have like your own quota for retarded shit? You have to say like, oh, it's been 10 minutes. Is your 17 year old corrupted? What's the craziest thing about your three kids? Not a whole lot. I mean, besides being on the spectrum, they're pretty normal. They're all on the spectrum? All but my youngest. Wow. There's a. What do you think you did different with the youngest? How do you think the youngest avoided the spectrum? Did you do something different, perhaps hold out? She might not be mine. Oh. Oh my God. I am so saddened by this. It's a lot going on here, man. I love it. So what makes you think that that kid might not be yours other than the spectrum thing? Does it look different? Yeah, she definitely does look different. She's black. Well, she does have an afro. So. Oh, what was that? I said she does have an afro. He said. Are you serious? Oh, she's got massive curls. Have you ever? Do it. Do it. Gliss. That might be the best timed use of that sound effect in the history of the show, which I've been hoping would evolve over the past 12 years. But a fun fact is that is one of the oldest sound effects in the Kill Tony playbook. 12 and a half years. Have you ever asked your ex-wife to tell you the truth about your youngest child? I have, but she's never said anything. So. By the time, you know, we actually thought that she might not be mine. It was too late. She's already mine in my heart, you know what I mean? So I'm not going to try to take that away from her. Jesus Christ almighty. Is there anyone you think it could be? Yeah. I don't know. In the 10 years I was with my first wife. She I caught her cheating on me three times in the 10 years we were together. Oh, my God. How many of these times was when she went to go see Alisa Deek live? Let's talk about you. And I know this is, you know, obviously personal, but you've seen the show. And let me tell you, you are crushing this interview right now. Everyone wants to look cool. And I don't really have any hobbies. I'm a homebody. I go to my, I go to my, I go to my, what do you do? I don't need these idiots. And meanwhile there's you just unable to tell a lie just over here. King bean spiller first of his name. Admiral of the Aspergers, the protector of thumbs. Benny G has arrived. So let's go through this cheating thing, which I find so interesting and all the listeners guaranteed right now are enjoying this part of the show because they hear about these things. Maybe it's affected some of them. People get suspicious. Tell us, when you caught her cheating, how did you catch her? Like what, what, what are some of the scenarios that you walked in on or found out about? Are we talking about the first wife or the third wife? Wow. This is incredible. He gets hotter every time he says it. Oh, Dee's going to fuck one of them right now. He must have found her back pages. Hell yeah. One of them has an afro and is completely blind. Play the hell of a bass though. Hell of a bass guitar. She's four. I honestly feel like this is how Creed started. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. So Benny G, let's go to any wife. Just tell us about a time that you've caught a wife cheating on you. So we just got done moving and she was supposed to be working night shift at Amazon. Well, she was working night shift at an Amazon. All right. Well, the Anaconda. All right. I couldn't find the mop. I was trying to clean up the house because we just got done unpacking stuff like that. I wanted her to come home at six o'clock in the morning or whenever her shift ended to a nice clean house. Oh, God, Benny G. Holy shit. This is incredible. You wanted her to come home to a nice clean house so you stayed up all night. You sweet, sweet boy. Well, I drove over to our old place because we left the broom and mop there to try to clean it up before we... You even had to go back another trip to do the mission that you wanted to... Well, when I walked in, she was walking out with another man. Oh, my God. Whoo, whoo, whoo. Oh, my God, the old broom and dustpan. And then later come to find out she was actually hooking, so... She was making money? She was getting paid to do this? Crime delivery. Okay. That was a good one. Ollie, what were you going to say there? Okay, we're waving it off. We got to tie there. We tied. So, Benny G. How did you find out she just admitted to you that she was hooking? It was actually one of my coworkers. He said... She walked out of your old house. No, he had been on Reddit and he's like, your wife recently got braces, didn't she? I'm like, yeah, how do you know? You haven't seen her in like two years since the last Christmas party or whatever. And he's like, well, you might want to look up this name on Reddit. And sure enough, I did. And there was all her back page ads from the time we started dating. Oh, my God. What's her name? You are disgusting, Red Band. I can't believe you would say this is a real emotional part of the show. And there you are asking, what is her name? Just out of curiosity. All right. So, this is incredible. Now, did she ever give you a reason why she got into this? Did she need the money that bad? After we, you know, I forgave her and we tried to stay together after that. But... You forgave her for being an all-out hooker? Indeed, I did. She found out he had one ball. Wait, you up... No, I have both of them. Wow. Look at that. They're not attached anymore. That's a man. They're not attached anymore. I knew I was right. The Sectomy. Oh. Tubes tied. You said enough is enough. Did you get your tubes tied by any chance before your last kid came out? No. No, okay. Last kid was 2011. I got my vasectomy in 2017. Wow. What made you get it in 2017? Were you nutting inside of a ton of women? No, my second wife said that I would improve her sex life if I wouldn't got a vasectomy. Because she wanted you to come inside of her? Pretty much, yeah. Wow. When you say pretty much, was there something more that could have possibly happened? No. Just a yes. Okay. So she wanted you to come inside of her, but she did not want any little Asperger baby yet running around. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. She didn't want any of that, right? Yeah. Okay, good. Because she had met your other kids and she's like, oh, hell no. Yeah, pretty much. Right. Okay. Wow. It's been a long interview, Benny, but I feel like I could go on and on with you. Wow. Is there any other time that any other good of the cheating reveals? That's what people really love. No. My mother and my sister stole $3.4 million from a major oil and gas company, though. Wow. Oh my God. It's like all the bucket pools, energy and answers went to one chosen man. I think God really is in his fucking earpiece. This guy is so interesting. Wow. Did they get in trouble for that? Oh yeah. My sister did, I want to say, five years in prison. Yeah, those oil and gas companies tend to be able to afford lawyers and private investigators. How did they think they were going to get away with it? I mean, they got away with it for like 10 years or something. Wow. Worth it. And they tracked them down. It's enough time to spend the money, that's for sure. I mean, you can Google it to this day. It's a national story in Denver. Yeah, and you were close with them? Yeah. What did they spend that money on? Did they remember anything specific where you're like, that's kind of weird? I mean, hookers and blow, I don't know. Wow. Look at that. Even your own mother was fucking your wife at one point. Incredible. Benny, I love your style. You're so loose up here. You're smiling. And 15 minutes ago you were shaking an unbelievable job, unbelievable interview. Thank you so much for coming by. Benny G, everybody. Let's fucking go. Telling story. His biggest fear, social anxiety, and he just crushed it during the interview part for 15 minutes. Let's see if this person can follow that. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Ty Marion, everybody. Ty Marion. Oh, we know Ty. All right. This is my four time now on the show. It has not made me famous, but it's cool because I still look famous. Like, I know I look like a racially ambiguous Ross from Friends. Not too long ago, a dude came up to me in the street and said, hey, you kind of look like a special needs David Blaine. And then he goes, but I bet you're not allowed to do magic within 100 yards of a school. That's kind of fucked up because like, I won't even listen to Drake. About a week ago, a girl rejected me because she said that I look like a wax statue of Happy Gilmore that was left in the sun too long. I was like, oh, you got a Sandler fan? Well, I bet if you come over, I'll make you call me Big Daddy. And she goes, I bet if I go over, I'm going to find out you have a little nicky. And I don't. It's more like an uncut gem. Wow. I mean, that is true. You do look like all of those things. You are indeed the platform that God has given you a face like that has led you right here in this moment with great jokes about what the fuck you look like. Thank you. It is incredible. A lot of people with a face like that would be sad and have nothing to do with it in their respective industry. Meanwhile, it's like you have a prop with you at all times. I love it. I'm signing autographs left and right. None of them are for me, but it's fucking fun. Sadler. Yeah, it is incredible. There's quite a look. Are your ears fucked up or is that just the hat? The hat maybe, but yeah, I do have big ears. I don't know. I lost like now like 55 pounds lately and whatever has happened, it's just gone all to my ears. Like I fucking hear everything too. So thank you whoever that was. Wow. Incredible. Thank you. No, that one ear is definitely fucked up. Yeah, that ear is a little fucked up, right? Right now. It's like a little chunky ear. Is it? Your lobes are gigantic ear lobes. God. It's totally two different ears. That's a new one. You're definitely melted on this side. It's definitely too different. Yeah, it is an interesting look. Does your whole family look like this? No. Just you? Pretty much. How do you think this happened? I don't really know. Have you ever slept before? Have you ever, do you eat and drink the same thing every day? Like what is it? Well, let us know what to avoid exactly. Kind of like, I don't think it's really like food related. Like I kind of do look a little different from my family. So recently I did a 23 and me and I found out that I'm 100% unable to handle that many guys at once. I couldn't hear what you said. But D-Madness just sat down and he murmured the words, this motherfucker ugly as shit. That's all. I just heard it. D-Vin D knows, which is incredible. Born blind, but meanwhile he walks in from using the restroom and can just tell. Can just tell. Ty, anything crazy happening in your life since the last time you were on the show? I got hit by a car riding the lime scooter. Okay, did it hit you in the face by any chance? No, it would have helped me out, I think. Yeah. Not just one of these great Austin drivers we have here in Texas is not paying attention and went through a red light as I was coming through an intersection. Wow, they ran a red light and hit you on a lime scooter. Yes. So they were going normal, like 35, 40. She was about to make a right turn. So. When you say she, what ethnicity was this woman? She was Hispanic. Ah, well, that's surprising. Yeah. Fuck. Another L for the Hispanics. Okay. And what did, did she stop? Yeah, she could, she was on top of the scooter, she didn't have really a choice. You fly over the hood? Well, like. Wait. So the car was on top of the scooter. Yeah. Got it. So like not to harp on the last two stuff, but I'm kind of autistic as well. Like. No, no, no, no, no, no. Just me. We just had fucking a shaky McWhut the fuck up here a second ago. So it's not really registering. My story is a little, I didn't get diagnosed until like really late in life. So I've had to like battle it and try to be normal and act like a normal person. So it's just a facade. What did they tell you that you have a face that looks like an ass burger? Oh, okay. Okay. Somebody will order number 33 ass burger. I think they said your face has dropped. Tism. All right. Very saggy. Thank you, sir. I'm going to kill myself later. Come over. Kim has one joke that doesn't work. She goes on a six minute rant. Well, fuck you. I'll die right now. All right. Well, Ty, fun times. You were on the show again. You've been on numerous times before anything else crazy. We should know about you. How did it end? The thing should give you money. Yeah. Well, we're kind of settling that now. Oddly enough, the cop that arrived was the same cop that was here on the last story that I told on the show. Not to rehash anything, but it was the same guy. So he was like, Hey, you want all this information. You need to go ahead and do this. And I was like, I think I'm fine. He was like, you're not fine. So we'll see what happens. Okay. Well, I hope the settlement happens before this episode comes out. You'll notice the limp now when I leave. Oh yeah. For sure. Absolutely. All right. Ty Marion. So you have, you've got a big joke book for. Yes. Okay. Well, then there you go. Ty Marion everybody. All right. Very exciting. We're going to bring up one of the rising comedian stars from Canada that's been on this show numerous times before. Here with a new minute makes some noise for Ben Bankus, everybody. It's Ben Bankus. What's going on? I got two kids. I just had my second kid and yeah, my wife, she tells people, yeah, we had a second kid, you know, for our daughter. So she'd have a friend. Like, yeah, yeah, that's what I was thinking too. Just fucking my wife like, oh, it's for my daughter. Yeah, she needs a friend real bad. But I got a son now every, every guy wants to have a son, right? Because it's manly and you know, you've seen those gender reveals where the guy already has two daughters and then it comes out pink and he's like, fuck. Can't fucking handle this shit. So I have a son, but everybody thinks it's manly to have a son. You know, it's your boy. But like my daughter, she's three, not once in three years did I worry she was gay. My son's three months old. I'm fucking worried. Ben Bankus. Remember the name. Fantastic Ben. Unbelievable set of the night so far no doubt about it. How long you been on stand up again? Going on 15. 15 years. Real pro does spots here at the mothership. Long story short, we were getting wasted at the bar last week and I said, I'll give you a minute. Okay, I did. Are there any signs that that's the big behind the scenes of kill Tony. If I get drunk enough right next to you know what I want to see what you do. You guys are watching the sausage get spots. Yes, the sausage gets spots. Is there anything gay about the three month old that makes you think it might be gay or is it just a funny joke? Yeah, I mean like sucking its thumb like back and forth like that. Yeah, well like he breast feeds. Great shits and moans. What? Alright. Maybe just no Kim. Alright, there you go. Alright Jesus. If you guys could just laugh at everything she says so she doesn't have to make a big deal out of it every time that'd be great. Yeah, my kid like he breast feeds but like he was breastfeeding then he coughed weird like he didn't like it. Like he was breastfeeding and then he was like and I looked at my wife I was like what the hell was that? She's like there was a lot of milk coming out. It was probably hitting the back of his throat. I'm like Jesus Christ. Amazing. I like him. Ollie? I like him. Hell yeah. He's good. Sometimes it's my fault because I'll like feed him with the bottle like this and then like you just like I'll like rest it under my chin and then I'll just like go on my phone and then I'll look down and like the bottle's shifted and it's like. Oh yeah. I'm like fuck now I'm making him gay this is. Right. This is a lot easier than I thought. Yeah. You're contributing. So that's amazing Ben. And how old's the daughter? She's three. Three? Okay. And you're still with the baby mama? Oh yeah we're married. She's up in Canada? No she's here. Okay. What does she do? She's a stay at home mom. That's right. Fuck yeah. Okay. Nice. Also can we play the money thing? So you're just doing it stand up comedy making enough money. Stand up comedy touring the whole country just did Pittsburgh Cleveland Chicago Rosemont Illinois all sold out. Nice. Benbankus.com. Benbankus.com baby. B-A-N-K-A-S check them out on tour. Unbelievable set. Thank you bro. Great stuff Ben. Thank you. Make some fucking noise for Ben Bankus everybody. Smooth and easy. Ollie Sedeek. Before you leave I want y'all to notice something. His shoes are nice. The last two guys shoes were fucking terrible. That's how you know he a pro. No you're absolutely right. Fucking did you see them pull us on the last guy? I actually just started wearing forces and now you know I really feel for feel for black dudes with the creasing of the like I had to ask my black friend how to not crease them. He's like you got to ball your feet up. I was like oh that's that's why you guys walk like that. Well we well we actually stopped wearing those 10 years ago. The only thing you stop before BLM is a lot of taking a knee that would have ruined a lot of forces. Ben Bankus ladies and gentlemen. Boom. Fuck yeah. Back to the bucket we go ladies and gentlemen and here is a new name. Make some noise a new minute new name. It's Dave the Butcher everybody. Dave the Butcher has arrived. God damn it's right as fucking hell. It's right as fucking hell. Can't see shit. Where are my black folks at? Smile real quick oh there might be one over there. Oh shit. I get it Tony. Keep them on stage while you keep an eye on them. You know what I mean? My bad. Keep them on stage while you keep an eye on them. Bless you. It's messed up but theft in the workplace is a motherfucker. Oh yeah. Shit. I got a little bit of a racist joke here. I'm just trying to break the other side a little nervous here is my first time so. Knock knock. Knock knock. Damn. That's a lot buddy. God man listen knock knock who's there? Damn my fuck up again. Never mind alright did you see big. Wow. Wow. Holy shit Dave. What the fuck are you doing here man? What would make you do this? Why would you sign up for this? I'm sorry man it's brother's fuck I can't see shit. How would seeing anything? D-man is crushes back here. He literally can't see shit. Kills every single week. Biggest pop from the moment he walks out. Plays like a fucking like the devil himself. He doesn't go up sorry off today can't see shit. Crushes. Meanwhile you can see a lot. Yes the lights are brighter than they are in the alleyways where you're used to performing. Have you ever attempted stand-up comedy before? A couple times I'm six months deep. Six months deep. Yeah okay alright Dave. What the fuck do you have a joke in six months? Yeah yeah yeah I got a couple jokes. Do they all end in knock knock? That's how the joke's supposed to start. It was supposed to be knock knock. Go ahead knock knock. Fuck you. Fuck you. Unbelievable Dave. Apologies apologies I fucked up. You did fuck up Dave you did. Fuck it. I got one for you knock knock. Knock knock. Who's there? Ice. I was gonna say homeland security but that was it. All these Sadiq what do you think about this? Yeah I fucking MS-13 terrible ass fucking. You're fucking terrible. Yeah I was hard. You should take that mic and hang your fucking stuff. Fair enough. You go by the name Dave the Butcher is that what you do? Are you a butcher? I'm a chef. You're a chef so you're not even a butcher. You're not a butcher. No he butchers his jokes but. Okay where are you a chef at exactly? Houston. Okay where at in Houston? This little place called Philly Flats. Philly Flats what do you make there? What do you specialize in? All kinds of stuff Italian food Spanish food whatever. Okay are you good at that? Yeah I'm the shit. Okay you know what I think you should do? I think you should go back there. All right fair enough I fucked up. Okay. From Houston? Yeah. Fucking making me look bad. Yeah. Exactly. This thing. Check out the kick still man. They clean. Shit's terrible. Do you have landscapes on your tires? Like on your car? Okie dokie. Negative yeah. I thought that was bad. That was bad. Yeah. Yes yes yes you are the worst thing to happen to Houston since Katrina. Damn. It is incredible. Fair enough. Fair enough. You're terrible. Try. Work hard. Yeah yeah I am. You have to do something next time. Yeah. There you go no joke book no nothing. There you go Stave the Butcher. Absolutely nothing. Absolutely horrendous. Terrible. You guys having fun out there? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. Evil. Wow the lights even went off. Even Kino the lighting guy. Lights that when people do bad. Make some noise for your next bucket pool ladies and gentlemen. Anything can happen. This is Rob White. Rob White. Kill Tony how's it going? Oh my god. I did not think I was getting on the show tonight otherwise I would not have dressed like a dago on vacation in the 60s. This is a terrible fucking outfit for comedy guys. I honestly it's weird like I don't actually do comedy you know I have a full time job. I'm a tattoo artist by day stand up comic at night which is fun because basically I have two jobs that no one thinks is real. And yeah so like it was a weird thing like growing up like my dad's a tattoo artist and he saw me and he was like seeing how I was acting like a f***ing tart and he's like I need to solve this shit. I need to toughen up my son so he sent me off to work to learn how to tattoo with his guy Crazy Joe at the age of 13. And 13 years old I didn't need to be working with this guy. He was a fucking killer okay. I mean like he wasn't killing it with the ladies or doing killer tattoos. I mean he actually murdered a guy. He stabbed him to death. We could end there. That wasn't going very well. Let's be honest. Check check check check check. That's it. The joke ends with your dad stabbing a guy to death. No no. What the fuck is going on tonight? Is anybody trying to make it anymore on this fucking show? It's a long complicate. I should have chose better on my one minute Tony. I should have chose better yeah. Okay. I am so fucking dizzy watching here. I know it's crazy. It is wild. Sorry. Rob White. It's okay buddy. Okay. So how long have you been doing stand up? I've been doing it on and off now for five years. Five years. Okay. And do you have a joke? Five years. Five years I got jokes? Sure. Let me just do a. Your best joke. Five years. Okay. Here's what I was working on. The Holocaust or slavery? It's a trick question because we all know the Holocaust never happened. Okay. All right. Fuck it. What are you gonna do? Jesus Christ. What's your second best joke in five years? You have another one? Another go to? I am failing miserably. The setup punch is not an easy thing for me to do. I'm not gonna tell longer winded stories that one minute does not help. And I didn't think this was gonna happen today. This was like literally flew in today. Yeah. That's how it goes. That's what happens on a show where you sign up and your name goes in a bucket. People don't know. And then now you know. This is what you do. Yeah. If you could have done something differently, you said you flew in today. What have you done differently? There's a lot of people that are thinking about signing up. Yeah. Fly in the day before. Soak up the energy and get yourself prepared so you don't come up here and just wing it last minute. When you say prepare yourself, do you think the five years of attempting stand-up comedy would have applied at all? Look, this one minute is a hard thing to introduce yourself and tell any sort of... Yeah. It's the format of the show. Sorry to never do walk-a-walk-a fucking happy situations. Ali Sadiq. No excuses. All right, Narek. And there is no walk-a-walk-a. Now you're trying to insult the entire art form of stand-up comedy. But everybody who's funny gets laughs in a minute. Even if they're doing a one-hour-long special, there's laughs in the first minute. Yeah, yeah. So it's not walk-a-walk. Don't blame the audience. That's shitty of you. Yeah, I get it. I get it. There you go. All right, let's talk about your embarrassing life. What do you got for us? Anything? Fucking horrible. I have horrible stories. Let's go. I started tattooing at an early age. My dad had me tattooing in the shop. Are you doing your material again? No, no. This is... This is like what I do every day of the week. I've been doing my whole entire life. I've been doing my whole entire life. And I did the worst fucking tattoo in the history of tattooing. To the point where it's on every website, it ruined my entire comedy and tattoo career simultaneously. What was it, the Down syndrome Tiger? No, it was a Sopranos portrait of the fucking family. How do we find this? All you have to do is... You remember the show, Remember Ron and Fez, Opian Anthony? No, I'm asking you a different... But that's where it happened on the radio. Okay. It happened on... So how would we find it was the question that I asked. The guy I tattooed was East Side Dave. If you type in East Side Dave's tattoo, it immediately just fills it the fucking... Okay. ...because I ruined his life too. Right. And it's probably the worst... It looks horrible. So I did this... It was a radio promotion. Oh my God. See? Oh my God. Oh my God. The beat is so bad. It's crazy. We're going to put it on the screen for those of you watching on YouTube right now. Holy shit. Holy shit. That's bad. No, they're not going to... Don't ever do that again, I told you. It doesn't work in-house. It's... There's like only these four people are going to be like... This was a... I've well accomplished American traditional tattoo work. That's what I've always done. No. But I was doing... No. No. I was doing... I was doing... I was doing... No. But I was doing... No, it's... I don't believe you. I'm second generation. You also told me that... This is a stealing. I think your dad was probably good at it. I think this is one of those things like fucking... You know, Michael Jordan Jr. or whatever, where it's like... This was... All these sedeek. I wish y'all could see this fucking tattoo. Like Frankenstein, John Lennon, and... It's supposed to be this. I'm pretty evil. I can see it. The tattoo is funnier than anything. This is what I'd say. This section is disgusted. There's people vomiting. Wow. Oh my God. This is incredible. It's incredible. This is great, great podcasting, everybody. Red Band on the ones and twos. Wow. There it is. Red Band is retarded. He can't do anything. Here we go. Here he goes. All he has to do is turn an iPad around, everybody. Let's see how it goes there. There you go. There you go. People are just cheering Red Band being able to do the simplest of symbols. What do you mean? What do you mean? I've been doing this for 12 and a half years. I can turn a iPad around. Oh man. I feel like this tattoo right now. All right. Rob, craziest thing about your life. Anything? All these sedeques? What do you think about this? You've got to be able to fight because I would have beat the shit out of you. That wasn't just a norm. This is worse than what you even understand. It was a radio show, Ron and Fezz. It was on right before Opie and Anthony on the radio, right? So after I did this, they roasted the fucking shit out of me. Do you understand? All my comedy heroes that I was looking up like Jim Norton and Bob Kelly and Louis TK every week would go on the show and pull up the picture of this tattoo and be like, what an amazing abortion this kid did. Horrible. So yeah, I just felt like I thought that would be nice to share with you guys. Well, it just happened again. 20 years later, it's happening again to you on a big show. Rob, here's a little joke book, my friend. Sign up again with... Thank you, thank you. Try it again. Try it again sometime. Rob White. Holocaust denier. Rob White. Oh la la. Oh my goodness gracious. The lovely Heidi. Saging the stage of the energy of Rob White and Dave the Butcher. Bringing us back to a time when we all felt like we were in show business. Alright, your next bucket pool everybody. It's a promising name, believe it or not. I have a feeling about this one. Make some noise for just Greg. Just Greg. What's up everybody? I don't know about you guys, but I hate getting bad news. Sometimes I think like, what if I got bad news in a fun, entertaining way, then maybe I wouldn't mind it as much. Like somebody would be like, hey, just Greg, got some bad news for you man. Your wife has one minute to live. That'd be like, fuck yeah, yeah. That wouldn't be a bad way to get bad news, I don't think. You know what I'm talking about man? Maybe your friend pulls up to your house like, I ran over your dog in the driveway. Fucking love that dog man. Give me going for pancake. This is my impression of Donald Duck sneezing. This is my impression of Donald Duck having sex with a prostitute. Alright, that's enough of that. Alright, that's my time. Thank you guys. Just Greg. Hell yeah. Alright. Well, how long you been to stand up? Just Greg. Not long. Three years sir. Three years. Okay. All of it in San Antonio? Could you tell? Really? No sir, I started in El Paso and then I just moved to San Antonio. So you do live in San Antonio? Yes sir. How long ago did you move to San Antonio? About a year ago. Perfect. What do you do for work? I'm a staying home dad. Wow, okay. Hell yeah. Thank you. I should have just said that. Amazing. How old are the kids? Six and eight. Were there first words? Brrna, brrna, brrna, brrna, brrna, brrna, brrna, brrna. Something like that, yeah. Okay. You don't make money in any way. How does the baby mama bring home the bacon? She's a surgical technician. Oh wow, it's a fancy, fancy, fancy terminology. Sure. How long you been with her? 13 years. Okay, look at that. How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom? I beatbox it. Yeah. You beatbox while you eat box. Yes sir. Incredible. Yes sir. Absolutely amazing. Wow. Okay. And two kids, are you going to have more? Uh, planning on it. Very small family for a San Antonio Latino family. Yeah, for Hispanic, honestly, just. Um, what's the most Latino thing about you? The most Latino thing about me? Uh, probably my mustache, I don't know. Oh, okay. Just grows like that. Okay. You, you mow your own lawn? Fuck yeah. Alright. Yeah, gas powered, none of that electric shit. That's the answer then. That's the most Latino thing about you. Yes sir. Just to let you know. Yes sir, I can cut a grass. Okay. What do you do for fun when you're not hanging with the kids or attempting comedy? Uh, I make videos on YouTube. About what? Beatboxing. You beatbox, so that's your thing. That's my thing. Okay. It's the best thing I can know how to do. The first punchline that you did, did you say your wife has one minute to live? Yes, I did. Okay, yeah. I don't think anybody really got that. I could have heard it. Oh, okay. But even then, it doesn't make sense, because why would the doctors say? True. Okay. What about the second one though? Is that right? I think it would be, I think you should just be more on the nose like you have cancer. Oh shh. Something like that. Okay. No one would believe one minute to live. You know what I mean? That's fair. Unless she's drowning or something. Yeah. But she wouldn't, she's a good swimmer, right? Yeah, she could float. Oh, the horn players got that one. Look at that. Absolutely. Okay. Did you say six and seven, six and eight the kids? Six and eight, yes sir. Okay. They up to anything crazy? Good kids? Yeah, they're pretty funny. Funnyer than me for sure. Yeah, for sure. What do they do that's funny? They're just getting arguments. They're kind of like roommates. You know, the youngest one hates the oldest one because she's jealous of her. Like the other day she was like, oh, Elena says that she's getting boobies so she needs to wear a bra and I was like, well, that's a weird thing to bring up. And then I was like, well, it's fine. Just don't wear her bra. And she's like, but tell her, tell her she doesn't have any boobies. Like that's what she was worried about. That's, wow. Pope Red Band has signified that he has an erection everybody. Six and eight year old talking about boobies. Has Red Band very excited for it? Is that your thing? I would have him stand up and show you the erection, but it would turn into a home screen in front of his pants if you had to. All right. We're having fun here tonight. Greg, what's the craziest thing in the history of your life? What do you think makes you different than everybody else? I got a flu shot and I almost got paralyzed. Tell us more about that. So I got, there's like a thing, you know, those papers that give you when you get a flu shot and nobody reads, there's like a tenant, there's like a 10,000 cases a year that somebody gets Guillain-Barre, which is like, I get paralyzed basically. And you felt it coming on? Yeah, like it was weird because I still had to go to work and they didn't send me to the neurologist until I went to the back of my throat. So I was like answering the phone like, wow. I was in the Air Force, I'm going to say that. Amazing. What were you, what type of work were you doing then? Some, it's a job where I just expect like life rafts and chili that. Life rafts. Were you helping people illegally cross the border? My family mostly, yeah. All right. Do you ever get a flu shot, Tony? I don't really think so. And definitely not as an adult. How old were you when you did this? I was like in 2018, so I was like 27, 26. Yeah, I don't really do that. Even Red Band doesn't get the flu shot as you could tell with the color of the skin. Here's a little joke book, just great. There you go. Just great, everybody. Beatbox. Beatbox. Ooh. Wee. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Make some noise for your next bucket pull, everybody. It's Dr. Rabbit. Ooh, la, la, Dr. Rabbit. Oh, Dr. Rabbit. Alrighty, so I do actually have a doctorate degree, but if we're completely honest, I am essentially just the Walmart version of Legally Blonde. But regardless, I still got a job at a college and you wouldn't know by looking at me, but it was actually at a black college. So, yeah, I was a diversity hire. So I go by the stage name Dr. Rabbit for reasons that I thought were fairly obvious and also because all the really hot girls that are blond seem to have already taken the name Bunny, so that was off the table. But what I didn't expect was that the TikTokers were going to think that I chose Rabbit for how I fuck rather than what I thought was the more obvious roast. So, meow. Oh, no. That's a minute. Sorry, I didn't know I was in that. That is a minute. The doctor is in. Dr. Rabbit. Hello, Dr. Rabbit. Hi. Oh, my goodness. Look at you. Dude, I love her. She looks like someone left their Barbie in the sun. Welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Uh, well, this is it. I've done, this is it, really. I've done a few stand-up nights, but not really anything. Okay. My rate, my professor would say that my class is kind of, oh, sorry. My rate, my professor would say that my class is kind of stand-up, but I mean, Your what, professor? Ratemyprofessor.com. You can go read about. That's where you go rate college professors before you sign up for their classes, so she's a professor. Oh, got it. Got it. See, you're a professor at a black college. Uh, not anymore. Okay. What did you do at the black college other than scare the living shit out of people? Um, I don't think I scared anybody, but I taught cultural diversity, believe it or not. Her class was called get in. Wow. And can you give us a lesson here? Can you give us what it would look like if we showed up to your class and just a, just a, you know, like 10 second snippet of you as a professor? Um, usually I walk in and I'm like trying to get the, like, oh, actually do it? Yeah, do it. So I'm not good with technology, so usually I walk in and then I'm like messing with the computer and then I like say some words and then they all laugh and I say, please don't like report me, please don't put that on my student e-mail. And I have to like overcompensate for it, but um, do it. I don't know. Do what? You do, you do your college professor thing just for 10 seconds. Just pretend like you're a college professor. And I'll pretend like I'm a black college student. All right, hold on. Let's start. Okay, so, I mean. Yeah. No. I only got a few months left of this shit. Spot on. Spot on. This bitch be looking like the bitch from poltergeist. I'm learning studies from the motherfucking children of the cone up here. Honestly, I'm so painfully white that like I have the time I don't know what they're saying or I didn't know what they were saying. Wow. I love that. And it brings me to the next segment of the show, Dr. Rabbit. What do you think is the blackest thing about you? Oh, um, I do have a black daughter and I don't know who her father is. One of her students. Oh, shit. She was adopted. Oh, nice. Oh, the crowd's upset that you adopted. They were all hoping that you got knocked up by one of your students. Literally. No, no, nothing like that. That's not why I still don't work there. Just to be, just to be totally honest, just to be totally honest, it's not that you don't understand them because you so white. I don't understand them either. I have a black son. I don't know what the fuck he be talking about. You look crazy as shit though. You adopted a black child and you're a professor at a black university. What's up with? Well, I'm not anymore. But, uh, yeah, it doesn't sound like that. I did adopt a black child while I was at the black university, but I then left and went to an all girls university. That's where I'm at now. Who is giving our children away? Fuck, man. Incredible. Do you only have one adopted child? Yeah, I guess her. Awesome. Those two of us. Yeah. Okay, great. Awesome. How old is she? 14. 14. Amazing. So let me ask you this because I'll bet you it did happen. My question is, did a lot of the guys at the colleges flirt with you? Because a lot of, like, there's a lot of teacher student hookups. I bet some laid it on pretty thick. Am I right? Um, I don't know if I'm really the type that they go for, but I mean, no, I'm kind of a push-over. Oh. Can you please hit the money sign? I'm finna give me a must-tang. Oh, no, you are is the line of the night. She'll be sealed forever. That is incredible. Brought to you by Zippercruiter, Shopify prize picks and open phone. Allie Sadiq's. Two new specials are at Allie Sadiq comedy on YouTube. Holy shit. Okay, Dr. Rabbit. So what happened? Why did you leave the all black college? She's got, if we're just completely honest, she's got a lot of special needs and it was hard for me to do it completely on my own. So my parents were willing to step up and she had been in seven foster homes. The adopted daughter? Yeah. Okay, I asked a different question. Oh, I was sorry. Why did I leave the college? I literally get less so that I could get help from my parents in Indiana to help raise her. Got it. Amazing. So she has special needs. What are those special needs? She needs a black mom. Okay. I mean, I'm not great at her hair, I'll be honest, but... I try. It's on YouTube. It's on YouTube. I have a feeling I'm not going to have a job when I get back. No, you're great. You're great. Anyways, but I don't even know what you asked. What are the special needs of the adopted child? Yeah, so she's got pretty significant fetal alcohol syndrome. She came from foster care, so I got to really reiterate that so they don't think it's me. Right, exactly. Every time I go to the doctor, I'm like, she's adopted and she's adopted and I kind of look like a jerk, but then they see why I have to really emphasize that. But she does have an intellectual disability and some physical, like she has seizures and stuff because of the brain damage I've done. Let me ask you a question. When you adopt a kid like that, did you know that when you got it or did you like, do you get a discount or something? Like, how does that work exactly? 30% off. No discount. Foster care is free. So yeah, no, it's foster care is free. So I didn't have to pay anything. But yeah, I knew ahead of time. So at any point, someone can go like, I want it. No, you got to go through. There's some hoops you got to go through. But yeah. Did she already like the foster kids, like, do you get to like, is it like a dog? Do you get to like rename it? Or was the kid named like whatever the original mom named it, like Hennessy or whatever? Yeah, so that's a law that I really want them to change because at the age of 13, they can actually legally completely change their name to whatever they want it to be. And hers almost became Cardi B Ariana Grande, Grandeville. And I was like, we can't, we can't do that. And they're like telling me like, legally, you can't like coach her on what to name herself. And I'm like, we're gonna have, we're gonna have a Cardi B then. I mean, we can't do this. But she kept her name and just changed her last name to mine. Thank God. Wow. So you got a black child that want to be named after a Puerto Rican white lady. Yeah. Hey, if you guys had special needs, I mean, If I was her, I would have gone with tardy B to be honest with you. Oh. Where have it? What do you mean? This is kill Tony. Nowhere else can you say tardy B. All right. I mean, that would have been the moment. Special needs, pick in the name, Cardi B, she's black. Da, da, da, da. Okay. It's a whole thing. You're an angel. You really are. Oh, thank you. And you're so likeable and it's incredible. Dr. Rabbit. Thank you. What made you want to do this here tonight? Um, I've just, I don't know, people have always told me that they think I'm funny and I was really self con, I was in a bad car accident when I was, when I was 16, and that's why my face kind of got destroyed and I was really self conscious, but people said I was funny and so I'd kind of hide. And so what way to kind of re-immers to the world by going on a, on kill Tony and. I love that. I love that. Michael Gonzalez is an interesting taste in blonde women. He, so if you're interested, he's a professional rock and roll drummer. This is a, here's a big joke book. Your interview was amazing. You ready for it? You got it. You can do it. Ready? Oh no. Oh no. Ah, there it is. Dr. Rabbit. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you Dr. Rabbit. Make some noise for everybody. We're having fun tonight. A lot of people using kill Tony for therapy, by the way. A lot of people trying to face their social anxiety fears on this show. Let me remind you all, it's about stand up comedy. And if you need help, Talk Space is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access anytime. It's easy to get started. And as a listener of this podcast, you get $80 off your first month with Talk Space. When you go to talkspace.com slash Tony and enter the promo code space 80, right, Red Band? I love Talk Space. Thank you Red Band. Alright, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Dimitri King everybody. Dimitri King. What's up, Austin? Where my weed smokers at? Man, you gotta really watch what you smoke these days. I smoke this strain called, Think About It. Yeah, think about it. Missed up my whole day. I took two hits. And I said, thought to myself, I wonder what white people's favorite rap song to sing and say n***a when n***as ain't around. Because you know they got one. They at least got one that they scream on their way to work at eight o'clock in the morning. So I've compiled the top five songs that I believe white people say n***a when n***as ain't around. Number five. I'm just kidding, white people. I ain't gonna expose y'all like that. No, no. I'd rather let you have a very weird conversation with your black friend the next time you get in the car and close the door and the radio turns on and he looks over at you and goes, the f*** do you be singing in here? That's my time. Man. Okay, Dimitri King. We didn't even get any examples. I was excited to hear the n***word. What's your favorite time to say the n***word? Usually when I wake up. Same. Dimitri, how long have you been on stand up? So technically 10 years, but I just came back on stage for the first time after eight years. Okay, wow. So you did it for two years and then took an eight-year break? Yeah, exactly. Right, the lunch break there, Dimitri. A little bit, a little bit. Okay, normally when someone does something and comes back. Sounds like my father. Come on now, you know n***s don't come back. Dimitri, what do you do for work? I'm actually a founder of a tech company. Whoa, a founder of a tech company? What exactly is this tech company? It's called Market Match, so it's a fun way to do market research and surveys using swipe technology. Wow, you're a founder. Do you make a lot of money from that? I'm starting to. Oh my goodness, what are we talking about? Like how much money? I mean, you're gonna say all that. Yeah, why not? No, I'm good. Come on, it's a fun show. Like what do you make a month? Oh, it ain't that fun. I don't feel like getting robbed for fun. You have it, you carry, you make take it all and you turn it into cash and you keep it on you? You don't have to have cash to get robbed. Okay. All right. Funny answer. Dimitri, what do you, you have a wife, girlfriend? Yeah, have a wife and kid. What does she do? She's an executive assistant for startup. Okay, look at you guys. Founder, executive assistant for startup. Amazing. Amazing. You have kids? I do. How many kids? Just one kid. How old is the kid? He's six. Six? So that's why you stopped? Mm-hmm. He's retarded, he gave it up for adoption. Okay. Oh my God. Oh my God. Did someone read her my bio before I came up here? Yes. So Dimitri, what do you do for fun? This. Other than this? Yes. I just go out and hang with my friends. It's usually about it traveling. What scares you? What are you scared of? You seem very comfortable on stage. I would say. Dolphins perhaps. Yeah. No, I want you to think of your own answer. Thank you, Red Van. It was totally worth it. I would say standing up here and not getting a single laugh. That might be the scariest thing ever. Wow, you'd be amazed how many people faced your fears tonight. It happened a bunch, Dimitri. Dimitri King, any relation to Martin Luther? Not that I know of. Okay. Maybe Martin Phillips. Oh. Alright, Dimitri King. Most interesting thing about your life? I just started my business and I'm looking to bring it out to the world. That's about it. Okay. Anything at all. Anything interesting about your life other than the business. A little fun fact about Dimitri King. Like for example, you once almost died. Are you saved somebody's life? So actually, yeah. I actually almost died. I'm diabetic and I found out by being diabetic, by basically being put in ICU. And I should have died, but I did not. Okay. My sugar was so high that I should have died, but I did not die and luckily I'm here in front of you. That's everybody black. Yeah. Incredible. I believe it's called Kool-Aid. Great. What did you have or consume that put your blood sugar into such a precarious position? Chocolate milk. Wow. Wow, that is incredible. Did you make the chocolate milk yourself? Did you mix the serpent or did you pre-buy it already mixed? Chocolate milk. Red Band loves this question. It's a good question. It is. You can control the amount of chocolate if you have the Hershey's thing. So it's a good question. Oh, no, it was the Dutch board and chocolate milk. So it was the pre-mixed. Well, we know, but we're didn't very well. Very. I was fancy that. Can I give you a fun fact? Yeah. About chocolate milk. Oh, please. I only drink it if I have somebody pregnant. Why? I don't know what what it is. If I know if somebody's pregnant by me as when I start drinking fucking chocolate milk. Any other time I hate the shit. I didn't drink chocolate milk nine times. That's how many kids you have. Exactly. Other than that, I don't fuck with it. I'll wipe milk, buddy. That is incredible. Amazing. What an interesting fun fact. Chocolate milk. Do you drink it? No, when you drink it, when your girl's pregnant, do you drink it straight out of her breast? That's where it comes from, right? Black women's milk almost kills you, pal. You're right. You're right. You did almost get murdered by chocolate milk. That is an amazing fun fact. They said I had a 2% chance of living. Whoa. Hell yeah. Okay. My goodness, Dimitri. Ask him if he's related to Bernard King. Are you any relation to Bernard King? Bernard King? What about Rodney King? Junior, Junior. Who? Junior, Junior. Rodney King, Junior, Junior. Okay. I don't even know. Okay. You're still bombing. That's right. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. I was in a high age, you know? Did you do any, did you think of any of the jokes that you did from the first 10 years? I did. And what happened to those? Those jokes were good, but they were older. So I was like, I figured I'd try something new. Also, your jokes don't stand the test of time. I guess not. Okay. I'm done interviewing him. Like milk, they expire quickly. Dimitri, fun times. Here's a medium-sized joke book, my friend. Whoa. Whoa. You can't fucking catch me. The only one of the night to not catch... Whoa. Wow. Two miscatches. Let it be known that Dr. Rabbit caught her joke book in a stunning turn of events. Nobody thought it was possible. Meanwhile, the six-foot-five black man avoided the joke book like it was a couplet of chocolate milk. Absolutely incredible. One more time for Dimitri King. Dimitri King. I barely really get to use the word couplet on this show, and I'm excited I got it in. That was on your bingo card. You just won a billion dollars. Okey-dokey. We're having fun. We're in a silly mood tonight. There was weed going around in the green room. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Mason Bird. It is time for Mason Bird. I have the mindset of an NFL quarterback when I have sex. If I go three and out one more time, they're going to put in the black guy. And they should. The black guys can do spin moves in the pussy. I'm much more of a pocket pussy passer. My pocket presence is crazy. No, I don't use a pocket pussy. I know what I look like. I know I look like I know serial numbers. Is that the X-472? Not sloppy enough for me, dude. There's a lot of double standards in this life. Like if a guy likes trains, he's autistic. But if a girl likes trains, she's the coolest girl ever, dude. Mason Bird. Fantastic, Mason. You've been on this show before, right? Yes, sir. And you were funny last time. Thank you very much. You're a funny guy. How long have you been doing it? Three years next week. And you're from where? Detroit. Detroit. And you live here now? Yes, sir. Hell yeah. You're doing great, Mason. What do you do? How do you make money? Right now, I'm at Jersey Mike's still. Absolutely. Yeah, dude. I know how to make sandwiches, man. Fuck yes. So do 100% of the people in the room. It's incredible. You take the fucking bread, you put the shit on it, and then you put the other piece of bread on top. Unbelievable work, Mason Bird. How many times have you been in the ICU for your diabetes? Completely healthy, young man. Never. I don't have diabetes. I'm certain I'm close. But I'm... You said completely healthy. Somebody get Dr. Rabbit back out of this. You've been seeing. I'm an athletic fat, all right? Yeah. What kind of athletics do you do exactly? I play basketball, I lift weights. I swim sometimes. Yeah. But yeah, I'm a dumb... I'm an athlete. Do a squat, John Dees says. Whoa, look at that. Oh my God. Wow. Damn, they fell into that drum set. Yeah, exactly. We just got a tsunami in the Philippines. My goodness, Mason Bird talking about being bad at sex, being replaced, three and out. Are you really bad at sex, Mason? I'm good at sex. What are some of your big moves in the bedroom? I like to like, put a girl against the wall with consent, of course. Adding the word consent makes it a little bit creepy. Yeah. I feel like any room you're in, the girl's pinned against the wall. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So you put her up against the wall, and then what exactly would you do? Because there's space in between. Yeah, so you got to create space, right? So you put the legs by the ankles, kind of like a really weird V situation? When you say put the legs by the ankles. Legs are on top of ankles already. Alright, sorry, put the ankles on top of your shoulders. That's what I meant to say. Oh yes, creating the V formation. Flying V. Quack, quack, the Mighty Ducks. Mighty Ducks reference. There's a man losing his mind in the middle of the room right now. There's a fear of the Mighty Ducks, and he's having a mental breakdown. Talk space. Use the code space80. He seemed to have a lot of competition with black men, too, in the bedroom. What's up with that? I think every white guy does. You know, like fat women like me, and they also like black guys. Ah, yes. No, we like them. Hit the money sign. Ch-Chain! Well, if you get them wet enough, you don't have to worry about the black guy swimming in it. Alright, fuck you guys. Don't hit the thing. I'm gonna pee again. Oh no! So you mostly hook up with bigger women? Uh, yeah, pretty big girls. Sometimes black women. Ooh, tell us about your experience with black women. It's like the thing where black guys like fat women, they kind of look like black women like fat white men. Whoa, I have never heard this before. They're very aggressive to me, Tony. They're like, what you doing later, big boy? Whoa, hell yeah. And then they find out you make sounds. You get the fuck away from me, big boy. They call me big boy, they want it for sure. Oh shit. Wow. Okay, so tell us about your experiences with black women. Have you noticed that what's different between having sex with a black woman than a white woman? They're a lot more bossy. They tell you what they want and, like I've heard it before on the show, but it is warmer. Yes, can you give some examples of what black women have bossed you around to do in the bedroom? Lift up your belly. Rub it in. Eat this pussy, big boy. That looks like the only thing you don't eat. Am I right? I mean, like, I don't... You're a good pussy eater? I'm not, I'm not good at it. I don't get a lot of opportunities. Do you have to put it between two pieces of bread to be able to enjoy it? He has some black women left on his shirt. Oh my goodness gracious. Oh my goodness gracious. Mason Bird. You see your parents are back up in Detroit? They alive? Mom, alive, dad dead. What happened to dad? Seroces of the liver. Ooh, red man. Red man, our chief Seroces of the liver correspondent. Even the liver was black. Oh my goodness gracious. She always said something black would take him out. It just was his liver. Amazing. Y'all gonna stop blaming shit on us. In Detroit, they are... All right. Mason, incredible stuff. So fun. Do you have any other hobbies other than stand-up and making sandwiches? Um, I like to go walks in the middle of the night. Oh, okay. It's not anything weird, not anything weird. I just, I feel safe in the middle of the night. Fucking peepin' Tom. What else? I have a cat. I like to feed my cat. I like to make her fat too. Oh, okay. What's the cat's name? Clover. Oh. But I call her stinky for the most part. Stinky? Yeah. Wow. Um, sorry. Okay. You sleep with the cat? She crawls into the bed sometimes, but sometimes not. You can't confuse this shit. It's Clover. Come here stinky. Um, I like, uh, I like going to strip clubs sometimes. Oh, okay. All right. What do you tend to do with the strip club? The first time I went to a strip club, I went with my father. And he kind of showed me the way. It's just following the steps. I like to go in, you know, get a laugh dance and be awkward with the strippers. The most awkward moment you've ever had. Hold on. Let's check in with Ali Sidiq. That's not a black woman. It's a stripper. Ah, that is true. Stripper juice, ladies. No doubt about it. We've seen this before. What's the most awkward moment you've ever had with a stripper? Uh, I try to walk up to a lady for like 45 seconds and awkwardly like walk, trying to give her money and I just kept walking away awkwardly and the security got called. Like, what's this guy's steel? And then they were scared because I was bigger than them. And, uh, the more security showed up. And then, uh, they let me keep hanging out actually. It was the weirdest. It actually does lap band dances. Do you have any plans on losing the weight? Do you have any? Yes, I actually got a Gold's Gym membership. It's the last time I've been on. Wow. Haven't gone yet. You haven't gone yet. It's just $30 a month I'm eating. He loves eating. How come you haven't gone yet? Um, laziness, I guess fear of inadequacy. Oh, proper answer. Yeah, like, I guess I'm just afraid to be embarrassed at the gym by Jack guys. Um, fuck those guys, right? No, uh, I'm just... You're Jack too. Jack in the box. Mason, fun times, congratulations. You did it again. You already have a big joke book, right? Yes, sir. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the best part of the show. Now, it's an interesting one tonight, ladies and gentlemen, because I must inform you that William Montgomery is on a very rare vacation with his family. Yes, very rare. And Ari Matty is sick. Came back from the road and he's sick. Hans Kim is stuck, locked in a sushi restaurant right now. Uh, and Cam Patterson is yet again filming another movie, a wild success story. So, you might be wondering, what the hell people are saying? There's Latino men wearing sunglasses going, What the hell they doing? Literally, right now. So, closing tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, a very, very polarizing figure in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the long-awaited return of Uncle Laser. Music playing Yo, we got any trans people in here? I'm still gonna fucking talk about y'all. What's up? Hey, listen, I got invited to a drag brunch the other day. Okay, that's not the funny part, sir. But I know it's stinking. Same thing I was thinking, like, bottomless mimosas, NASCAR, count me in, you know? And when I get there, it's bottomless mimosas, but it's like post-op pit crew dressed up like Mrs. Doubtfire, okay? And the wieners tucked under, lady, God, God, God, I was born this way. I was like, you weren't fucking born that way, you know? You weren't. But I get about 16 goddamn mimosas deep, and I forgot where I was. And your boy got ready to risk it all on a girl named Peter, okay? And me and Peter started fucking section back and forth, and I'm a shooter, so I led with a dick pic, got one back. And I was like, what's that? She goes, that's before. I said, what's after it? And she's like, well, you know, I'm post-op. My wiener done been repaired into a lady's vagina. And I said, well, that's not Christian, you know? Y'all ever seen a wiener that's been turned into a vagina? Y'all ever reheat lasagna in the microwave for too long? But y'all ever been inside a wiener that's been repaired into a woman's vagina? A lot shallower than you think it is, a lot more shallower. And it's like you ever cannonball into a kiddie pool and scrape your knee on a concrete? My name's Huckle Laser, y'all been fucking great. Wow. I mean, wow. Uncle motherfucking laser. I know exactly what I want to say right now. It's amazing because all the golden ticket winners, boom, they started with a bang. All the regulars had something so promising and boom, you know what I mean? We always watched them be good and then keep learning their voice and focusing harder. When you started on the show, you were nothing more than a funny character. You weren't a real comedian. There was no definitive moments of actual punches. There was just a bunch of silly, funny stuff happening and no big bangs throughout the minute. And you've worked it out, you've been going on the road, you've done everything that a working comedian can possibly do. And it is amazing to watch your growth on the show. Absolutely incredible fucking performance. I think my favorite that you've ever had on this show. But in real time, I mean, that's what's incredible about this art form is the people that really apply themselves, you get growth, you see results. So that's amazing. I mean, you could go back all the way to the first Uncle Laser appearance and you would go, what the fuck is going on here? And then here you are the character that you've always had is defined and you're working and it's funny throughout. And it's still your silly, weird, like, meth-y fucking white trash tone. So you're still on brand, but it's amazing that that was that was very funny Uncle Laser. How's life going? Fucking terrible. Tell us more. So you know, I got a problem with the homeless. Yeah, it's been stated on this show and they must be at the public library seeing all the shit I'm talking about them on social media. Because I got my goddamn car stolen out of my driveway the other day by a couple homeless people. And I fucking recovered and they took a big creamy shit in the back and homeless shit smells different than regular shit. Smells like it wants to borrow some change, you know. And but then, you know, I recovered motherfucker and to make matters worse than about a couple hours there. I get a call because while back on the show, I told y'all I got my merch stolen in Santa Fe in Mexico and couldn't locate it. Well, it's been located. Okay. And a detective from the Santa Fe Police Department called me. He said, are you Uncle Laser? And I said, this is him. He said, man, we located your merch. I was like, cool. We're like, where's that? Can I come pick it up? Well, not part of investigation. We set up a sex child predator sting and nine fucking homeless dudes came in your merch shirts to meet this 13 year old girl at the house. And I'm like, God damn right fucking D-Madness. Try having your face on the motherfucking shirt when they're coming to do all that shit. So I don't know, man. You know, we're just out here. Wow. My merch is basically the Yankee jerseys of pedophiles. That's incredible. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. And, you know, just to regular, I got, I've met some dominatio's there in Vancouver this past weekend. Okay. And, you know, I'm always up for whatever. And I got these two of them. They fucking tagged me and tied me up on a goddamn closet, hung me upside down and jerked me off. On a repeat to Ozzy Osbourne's Mr. Crowley. And, you know, and Tony, have you ever had anything ever put in your ass before? Surprisingly not. Okay. Shockingly not. Well, I have. Okay. And let me tell you, first and foremost, fellas, there's G-spot in your asshole. Okay. And if activated correctly, okay, you will ejaculate a bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch. Wow. It's got the viscosity of Fix-a-Flat. He can fix any tire in town, I'm sure of it. And, you know, sometimes I'm just thinking, I should just wear sleeves. But here we are, you know, here we are. Red Band has a confused look on his face. He absolutely loves Hidden Valley Ranch. And he's now wondering if that will work. If he ever orders fries and they forget, Postmates forgets his ranch on this side. He's... You ever put a finger in your own ass, Tony? No. Never. You can go through the first water line? Nope. No. I have no interest in that. Not in the shower? Not once. Have you? Is that what you're saying? Of course. I think every guy at least once in the shower is like, let's just see what it's about. Make some noise, gentlemen, if you put a finger in your ass. All right. What a bunch of shy bitches. God, Red Band. Jesus Christ. Hi, man. Happy birthday. It is Red Band's birthday. How many of you think we should shove a birthday candle up his ass and light it right now? Those sweet butter cakes. All right. Uncle Laser, so great. Unbelievable set. Congratulations. Fantastic to watch your growth in real time. It is possible, people. If you don't believe me, go watch Uncle Laser's first three sets on the show. First seven. People hated me. They were furious with me, but we were friends. Friends, and we had a lot of mutual friends back then, and I knew you were funny. And now you're showing it in real time on stage. Incredible. Can I shake his hand real quick? I'm a big fan of him. Who part of his time? He's never touched a black guy. This is very exciting. Who part of his time? Look at that, everybody. I'm from like, Richmond, Rosenberg. I spent a lot of time in Moe City. Like, Zero's my favorite goddamn rapper, so I didn't know that. I didn't know you were from Houston, so. H-town, hold me down, motherfucker. Oh, whoa, baby. Oh, my God. We get it, baby. Wow. Thank you, Tony. There he is, everybody. Uncle Laser trying to up his street cred before getting off. There he goes. How can this place get for Allie Sedeek and Kim Congdon, huh? Allie Sedeek's new special, two new specials just dropped. Allie Sedeek comedy on YouTube. He's on tour at AllieSedeek.com. That's S-I-D-D-I-Q. Allie, you made me laugh so fucking hard tonight. Absolutely incredible. Unbelievable. One more time for the great Kim Congdon. 12 and a half years of being killed, Tony Royalty, one of the original regulars. Thank you to Zippercruder.com for tickets to Nashville. Tacoma, Charlotte, Fort Wayne, Dallas. It's all happening, people. Thank you to Zippercruder. Shopify prize fix and open phone. The drawing from Ryan G. E. Bell to Zinn. It's incredible. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, James McCann with ice cream. All right. That's a special one. All right. How about one more time for the best stand band in the land? Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Mueling, John Dees, and D-Madness Red Band. Check out the secret show every Thursday, Sunday at stripATX. Love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Thank you.