How to Handle Outbursts (Without Yelling)

We're currently running a special limited time five week Q&A series exclusively for our Bratbusters boot camp members. Throughout April, I'm featuring selected member questions alongside the most common implementation hurdles in an exclusive episode each week for five weeks. If you're not already a member, it's not too late to be part of this series. You'll get an instant access to the episodes already released and the final episode question submission deadline is April 23 at 3pm Pacific Time. Go to bratbusters.com or check out the podcast description to learn more and join the Bratbusters boot camp today. Go parent has ever said to me, you know, I yell a lot and I feel great about it. You feel bad about it because intrinsically you know it's wrong. How do you start to break that habit? If you were yelled at, it would feel more normal, wouldn't it? It's not always your fault that you're yelling because it's just normal to you, but you really want to get out of the habit. It's just got to be cold turkey. You've got to have consequences every time you yell. It's almost like parents reaction this way sometimes because they just feel lost and they just don't have any plan in place. Well, that's why you do it. You're absolutely you're right because they think, well, I don't know what to do it. And by the way, yelling does work short term. And that's the problem with yelling is it does work, but it'll backfire down the road. I've been ignoring his tantrums and that seems to get him even more mad and he starts screaming again. They're out there worse when we're out in public. He seems to tantrum and wine a lot more when we're around other kids his age or strangers. Oh, he's so in control of you. He knows it too. Welcome to the Brat Busters Parenting Podcast. My name's Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. My mom. I'm also a grandmother. And I'm Amy Bunnage Lisa's daughter. And I handle the marketing and planning here at Brat Busters. While I don't have kids, each episode will dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, sweetie. What are we talking about today? Today's topic is all about how to handle outbursts from your children without yelling back yourself. So how to handle outbursts without outbursting? Which I can imagine would be really challenging in the moment because I don't think that these are low stress times. Well, when what do you mean? You don't think these are low stress times? What do you mean? I think when your child is having an outburst, maybe they're really upset. They're mad. Maybe they're tantrumming. I can't imagine that feels like a low stress environment for the parent. Their scenes, their drama, their theater, which is the tantrum over not getting what they want. We're talking about the wants, not the needs here. So when they're having an outburst, I hate you and all that. It is theater. It's drama. If you just look at it like a theater, like a show back away, it is nowhere near as emotional as you think it is. It is more just, it is, it's anger, but it's not big feelings and big emotions and it's not affecting their, their self-esteem. It's just, they're just mad and they're putting on a show. That's all it is. It's a lot of theater. I think it's tough though, because when you're looking at it, it might not seem that way. No, it doesn't look that way because if you were to act like that, you know how you would have to feel to act like that. The thing is, they're not adults. They're children. Okay. They're coming out of screaming as being their only way of communication when they were infants, right? Is crying. So they're coming out of that. To them, it's nowhere near as upsetting as it is to you. And I understand, especially as a parent, let's say that you were maybe raised where your big feelings when they were justified, were ignored and maybe you didn't feel like you could express yourself. So because you never learned those tools, you want to be able to give those tools to your kids. They are expressing themselves. Actually, they're really good at it. They're doing a fabulous job of expressing themselves. You're not stopping them. You're just waiting for them to stop because it's an inappropriate way to express themselves. They're learning from you by watching your calmness. That is the lesson. It's not the, it's not the discussion with them. It's not telling them, trying to talk them out of it. That's ridiculous. It's they're watching you. And when your calm is anything, they will eventually lean into it. This was really cute. I went to this event a couple of weeks ago with my granddaughter. She's two and it was unusual because mostly it's parents there. Like, but it was mostly grandmas and, you know, day-careing their grandchildren and a couple of the kids had tantrums. And one of them was a mom and the other was a grandmother that had the kid. You should have seen the difference in the reaction. The grandmother was just standing there looking bored out of her mind. And the other one, the young mom was trying to talk the kid off the cliff and it's really cute. But as grandparents, we've seen it all. You usually have a little bit more perspective. We understand they're going to survive. You may not, but they will. They're okay. I think just bringing that up, I'm trying to listen objectively and that felt a little like us grandparents just know better than you, you parents. And I think that maybe that's not always the case. It's not always the case, but this was, there was about five or six of us grandmas there. We were all very calm and there was, and most of the mums there were calm too. But it was funny because it was just a polar opposite and one of the other grandmothers and a couple of the other mums commented on it. Look at the different reaction. This might be a really good time to mention how you think grandparents should approach if they don't agree with the parenting style. If it's all safe, you know, like if it's. The only time I would ever go against the parents is if I thought the child was in danger, which certainly won't be happening with my grandchildren, but that's the only time and it's not in my business. How they parent and if they asked me to parent to treat their child a different way, I would totally respect that and do whatever they want. My job as a grandmother is to care for my grandchild and wallow in her and to support the parents. That's it. None of my business, how they parent. Luckily, I think they're doing a great job. But even if I didn't agree with what they were doing, it's none of my business. And I don't think that my way is the only way. It's just what I know. I teach what I know that I have seen work over 50 years. Okay. I don't. I think it's like religion. There's lots of different religions. There's lots of different ways to parent. Okay. I just teach what I know and what I have had great experience with. Okay. Doesn't mean it's the only way. I'm not like that. I'm not my way of the highway. So maybe I could learn something from the way they parent to. I might learn something. Right. Now, how would you approach it if you are, maybe you have in-laws or your parents themselves are budding in our parent or grandparenting your children in a way that you don't really like? How do you approach that as the child? Yeah. So it's your parents who are, you don't like the way they're treating your children. Maybe they're spoiling them. Maybe they're too rough on them, whatever. What I would say is I'd say, look, this is the way we want. We'd appreciate it if you'd sort of follow our lead because we're the parents, right? And then say, and if they disagree, then just say, I'll tell you what, when you undermine or disagree with my parenting, it hurts my feelings. They will argue back. I'm just doing what's best. I'm trying to help. You come back with this. Doesn't matter. It still hurts my feelings. If they don't respect you with that, then I can't help you. Well, I think we took a little bit of a turn there, but I just wanted to make the point because you were, felt like you're pitting the grandparents and the parents against each other. The thing is that it's not that we're smarter than you. We're just older and we have more experience. Okay. And some grandparents don't learn from it, but others do. So yeah, we just have experience. It's just different, right? We've seen it all. We've already raised you and probably your siblings. So we've seen a lot more. There is some wisdom there. You would hope they would get some wisdom, grandparents, but some of them don't. Some of them, maybe they were rougher on kids or they spoiled them rotten, just because we're grandparents doesn't mean that we're great at it. But it was funny that day. It was particularly noticeable how calm the grandmother was and how upset the mother was. I think the grandmother's seen a few. I think that the point here is that she's seen a lot more tantrums. They don't have the power over her, over us anymore, because we've seen so many of them. So it's not even so much how we deal with it. It's the fact I can't possibly have the same power if you've seen a thousand of them compared to maybe seeing only a hundred, right? Now, before we get into the questions, just bringing it back to the topic. If parents do react in a way where maybe they're yelling back or they're getting more heated, their emotions are getting elevated when a child's having a tantrum. What do you usually expect to see from that? You mean, well, the child's going to get more and more upset. The only way to stop a tantrum, and it doesn't even always work anyway, is to give them what they're screaming over. So let's say you took your phone away from them, right? Which is valid. You don't want them to have your phone. You take that away. The only way to stop the tantrum is to give it back to them. Sometimes they'll grab it and throw it anyway, because they're so far gone emotionally anyway. But yeah, so I'm sorry. What was the original question? Just what can you expect if you meet the tantrum with yelling? With yelling. Oh, it's just going to get worse. And it scares them. When you yell, it scares them because you look at it. You can't look like you're in control if you yell and it just, it scares them. They feel unstable. They feel unsafe with you when you're yelling. You're scaring them. That's the bottom line. You're making them feel like crap. When you yell at your kids, they don't tend to take it out on you. They tend to take it out on their, on themselves. Makes them feel like crap. Now, if this is something where it's how you were raised or it's something that you've just built that habit, how do you start to break that habit? It's just like quitting smoking or anything else. It's just, you just got to stop. And the way that you stop is you're on that behavior board. And if you, if your kid does not, is not old enough for the behavior board, get one for yourself. Like write it down between you and your spouse and you say, every time we yell, you know, we have to do some, I have to do something or I can't have a glass of wine after dinner or something. There's got to be some consequence to get you out of that habit of yelling. The reason you yell like I was never yelled at, I never yelled. A lot of it is hereditary, right? If, if I'd been yelled at, it would have seemed more normal to me. Yelling wasn't normal to me. So I could never do it. But if you were yelled at, it would feel more normal, wouldn't it? So yeah, it's not always your fault that you're yelling cause it's just normal to you, but you really want to get out of the habit. It's just got to be cold turkey. You've got to have consequences every time you yell. Just keep track of it. And let's say there's something that you hate doing with the kids, like you might hate going to the water slide park or something or the water park down the road or whatever it is. So every time, let's say you have a day where you yell, you have to take the kids to the water park after dinner. If it's summer, nice weather, something like that. It's just a constant reminder that, you know what? I'm going to get out of this habit and I'm going to force myself to have a consequence or a punishment if I do yell. Either if the kids are three and over, then you do something for them there on the board and you know, yelling is your rule, but you just want to get out of the habit of doing it. It's just not good for you or your kids. No parent has ever said to me, you know, I yell a lot and I feel great about it. You feel bad about it because intrinsically, you know, it's wrong. So yeah, you've just got to train yourself out of it. But the thing is I'm teaching you what to do instead. Okay. So I'm not just saying stop yelling. Everything that we talk about is what you do instead of yelling. How you handle tantrums, how you handle bad behavior, all that. So I'm teaching you another way. You talk about that too. It's almost like parents reaction this way sometimes because they just feel lost and they just don't have any plan in place. Well, that's why you do it. You're absolutely, you're right because they think, well, I don't know what to do it. And by the way, yelling does work short term and that's the problem with yelling is it does work, but it'll backfire down the road. Like it will get the result you want, not every time, but if you yell, it often scares them and then they stop whatever they're doing, right? But it's not a way to go move forward because it does build resentment and rebellion. Okay. So that's the problem with yelling. So it does work. That's why parents do it because it works. Okay. Should we get into the parenting questions on this? Good idea. So the first one is Lucia from Belgium. I'd love to know how to better handle public tantrums for my 16 month old without feeling ashamed. Well, you're going to feel ashamed until you get used to the 16 month public tantrums. I'll tell you a story. My son was three years old and it was his last tantrum. I think he had one more. It wasn't really a tantrum. It was more of a mood swing with his dad and he was three and a half, but that was the last of the sort of that stuff. But at three was the last tantrum he had with me. It was in a mall, tons of people around very loud and we were leaving. He wanted to leave them all. I wanted to leave them all. I don't even know what happened. He dropped to the ground and he was a really good little boy, but he did have the odd tantrum. Anyway, he dropped to the ground. It wasn't a huge screaming tantrum. He was growing out of them. But anyway, I just sort of pulled him off to the side and then I started filing my nails standing there and people were walking past. Now I was smiling, getting eye contact and smiling with people like I didn't bother me at all. All these young moms kept coming up to me and saying, Oh, you should give him a hug, talk about his feelings. I'm like, Oh God, keep moving, keep moving. But all these grandmothers and moms with older kids coming kept coming up to me saying, you know what you're doing. I see. I know what I'm doing. If you look confident and you got a smile on your face while you're just letting the kid have a fit, who cares what anyone thinks? You just hold your head high and know that you're doing the right thing. Okay. I could have cared less what anyone thought. Like just didn't bother me at all. And I know that comes from experience, but basically because I had a smile on my face, all these people were coming up supporting me. Okay. Now a lot of the reasons why no one will come near you if you're dealing with that is because you look so distraught. You want to sort of pull people in to sort of help you out a little bit with that, you know, like if you're smiling, people are more likely to smile back. Whenever I see someone going through a tantrum, if I got eye contact or if I'm nearby and a mother, a young mom's obviously stressed out. I always say been there done that. And then I said, and she goes, Oh, thanks. You know, so yeah, look around. I don't think everyone's staring at you in the way that you think they are. They just feel sorry for you. I think I think it's like anything. It's like, if you do something embarrassing out in public, you're like trying to bring people in to like try and laugh with you. Yeah. Cause yeah, I was quite happy that people were talking to me. I didn't care. It didn't bother me. But, um, but yeah, don't worry about what other people think. If you're going to parent around what other people think, you're probably going to do it wrong. Okay. I'm not saying laughing in this situation. I was thinking more like I've definitely done some trips and some falls out in public. And that's when you start darting your eyes around trying to like find the person to like, well, either that or you look behind me like what, what thing in the pavement jumped up to some hand come out and grab my ankle. You always look back to whatever tripped you would. There's nothing there. But yeah, I can't help you with that. If you're really embarrassed by it, just smile at people, laugh it off. Another thing I said, uh, when my son was really little and he was having a whopper of a tantrum, I think I was trying to get him in the car in the parking lot in the car seat. And I just said, Oh kid for sale. Actually I'll pay you. Uh, and people were laughing, right? So yeah, it's not that big a deal is what I'm saying. No one, you think everyone thinks it is, but it just isn't. Well, I think as well, especially if it's your first time being a parent and maybe you haven't been around a ton of kids is that all of these things can feel so daunting and so big and so unique. But the more you look around, the more you go to play groups. I'm sure there are lots of tantrums happening all the time. Um, yeah, I see that. I mean, I'm up with my granddaughter and I see it again because I hadn't seen it in so many years, right? Cause my kids are grown. Um, but I see it all the time and you see these kids having fits and the mothers are usually mortified and the rest of us are just like, Oh, well, you know, it's not a big deal. They're going to go through it. You know, chances are that their kid maybe had a tantrum that morning. It just seems like everyone's looking at you. You're like looking at your child. You're like, stop embarrassing me. That's right. A lot of parents will give into them because they, that's why a lot of people say, well, they're great when we're home, but they're lousy when we're out. It's because your parenting shifts and changes. I was exact same mother, no matter where we were 100% guaranteed. So yeah, they will take advantage of your embarrassment too. You don't want that. But if they see you, and this is what was interesting when they see you just not caring and chatting with people, it takes away their power and they tend to stop tantruming quicker because they realize this ain't working. Right. As they get a little bit older, they'll still look at that and they'll think, Oh, this isn't working at all. Not getting the result I wanted. My mother of mind could care less that I'm kicking and screaming. Yeah, it also starts to diminish the tantrum. Okay. The next one is Sam from the United States. I have a four and a half year old child who becomes explosively angry at seemingly small and big disappointments. He often runs away, tries to physically hurt the adult who chases after him, screams, throws things, et cetera. How should I be addressing these behaviors in the moment? How do I help him regulate his emotions better for the future? I've tried to teach him techniques like breathing and finding a safe space to calm down, staying calm myself. But they don't seem to be improving the root issue, which seems to be that any negative emotion he feels or is directed towards him makes him very angry. You're giving it a lot of fuel talking about it, trying to get him to deep breathe. You're putting a lot of emphasis on it. You're actually feeding it. Yeah. If he's angry, as long as he's not hurting himself or someone else or damaging property, I would physically restrain him if that was the case to keep everyone safe. Right. But, and I still wouldn't talk to him or look at him. I would just hold him just to make sure he's not getting hurt or whatever. So other than that, just let it happen. Don't, you know, and then you said something about regulating his emotions. That's his job, not your job. Your calmness is what regulates his emotions. Not what you do with him. It's what you're doing, waiting for it to stop on your own. You're just, you're nearby though. Okay. You're just ignoring him and let him, let him work it out. And then you said disappointment. He's very entitled. He's used to getting a lot of attention for this guaranteed 100%. Okay. He's only doing what works or what has worked in the past. Make sure that that scene and outburst does not work. In other words, don't give it any attention whatsoever. Don't discuss it before, during or after you're giving, you're feeding it. It makes it look like you're afraid of it. And that's why he'll keep doing it. It's upsetting you and he knows it and he's using it that way. I think I see online and I can understand where this parents coming from because there are sometimes some methods that almost the idea of giving your child like a toolkit or some things to use in order to help them calm down. Yeah. No, your, your demeanor is what calms them down. Your calmness is your leadership. All of that is what calms them down. That's why all that other stuff is just garbage. It's just ridiculous. Your calm leadership is what calms them down. They are watching you. That's what leadership is. You lead, they will follow. So it's your calmness. That's like that eight year old. I've said this a million times that eight year old little boy. I was asked to work with, he was a handful and he said to me, if you don't give me what I want, I'm going to have a fit. And I just said, bring it on calm as anything. And he never had a fit. It was like, that's what he needed to hear was, I'm not afraid of you. Right. In other words, that fit means nothing to me. It's not in my business. I need to have a fit. He was great with me. Okay. Your calmness is what calms them down. That is the tool that you use. Your leadership is the answer. It's nothing that you're doing with him or telling him or anything. It's nothing like that. It's your leadership is what does it. That is the solution. That is the answer. Are your kids driving you nuts? They don't have to check out bratbusters.com for my bootcamp courses. If you want to learn how to become a leader. You've mentioned it before and almost wording it like the more intense the more heightened they get, the more calm you need to be in those moments. Stay calm throughout the whole thing. Yeah. If they're getting more and more upset, look like you just, oh gee, I forgot to buy that milk. You know, you want to look like you're almost distracted, but you're nearby. You want them to know that you know they're having it, but you're just waiting. You're just, they're waiting like you're waiting for a bus. As soon as the bus arrives, in other words, as soon as they stop having a tantrum, then you're going to talk to them. They'll catch on. It won't work the first time. They'll usually get worse because they remember you feeding it before. As soon as you stop feeding a tantrum, it will starve and it'll stop. And then you also talk just how important that connection piece is. Well, the connection afterwards, because if you're just ignoring the fit scenes meltdowns and tantrums and outbursts as we labeled it here, if you're just ignoring that, it's that's mean, but it's the connection right afterwards. Like with my son in the mall. He didn't have a tantrum wasn't even a big one. It was really little. Not only lasted for maybe a minute or two, soon as he was done, I said, oh, y'all done. Okay, let's go. And off we went. No, I never discuss it, not before, during or after and off we went. That was the last tantrum we ever had with me. It lost all of its power. Even with him, you could see it. He had to work really hard to look like he was having one because he was growing out of them because they weren't working. Okay. So yeah. They will stop it. Remember your leadership is what calms them down. That's what leadership is all about. The better you are at it, the more power you have. Like your calmness is extremely powerful for them. They lean into a leader. This is kind of a funny story, but it just points out this leadership and how strong it is. Years and years ago, I was working in a classroom just as one of the month supports there working with the kids. Anyway, it was on activity day. So a lot of other moms had come in that weren't used, that weren't there. I was there every day. They just weren't there a lot. So anyway, we had activity day. They split all the classroom up. I think it was grade two and they split all the kids up with each mom. So we each had a little group. Of course the teacher gave me all the challenging kids because I was used to working with them. So, and they were great with me. They were calm. They were doing, and the moms who, they were just struggling with these easier kids because they weren't used to leading a group of kids, right? They weren't real leaders, right? I guess that's what I'm saying. Anyway, I already had so much experience with kids. So anyway, the fire alarm went. Some kid, it wasn't planned so that it scared the kids and us too. You know, it was interesting. And the teacher that day, I think was a substitute. So it wasn't the regular teacher. Anyway, all the kids ran to me. The moms were horrified. Why didn't their kids run to them? Those kids don't love me, but I'm a leader. They ran to me because leaders make them feel calm and safe. That's why they ran to me. I was shocked at that, to be honest. They thought, oh, Lisa will know what to do because I'm a leader. They need that. They crave it. They wanted it. It makes them feel safe. They didn't love me. They love their moms, but they felt safer with the leader. I like how you're like, they ran to me because I knew what to do. And you're like, I don't know what to do. I didn't know what to do at all. I didn't have a clue. I don't know. Go to the teacher. I think I ran out and pushed them aside trying to get out and save myself. Like a George Costanza. Exactly. And Seinfeld. Yeah. But anyway, that's the point that the leadership is what calms them down. The leadership is what brings out the best in them. I ignore the crazy. I deal with the bad, the bad behavior, but then the rest of the time I'm connecting. Anyway, I'll get back to this. So as soon as they finished having a tantrum, you connect right away. So it's got to be fast though. So they're kicking and screaming and having an outburst or whatever it is. And they're having an, I hate you. I hate you. As soon as they calm down and say, oh, y'all done. Do you want to go read a book? Or do you want to go to the park? You see now I'm pulling them into my calm level. If they say, no, I hate you. I'd say, oops, never mind. Then I ignore them again. I connect with as soon as they stop, I connect. I'm inviting them into the high road, into the calm road. I'm inviting them up there. If I was to talk to them when they're on the low road, I'm down there with them. And that ladder is kicked out. I can't get back up to the calm road. Once I've, once I've talked to them during a tantrum, I've joined them on the low road. I'm in it. I'm part of it with them. In other words, they've just won. They've just controlled me. I'm waiting for them to join me and I'm inviting them up there as soon as they calm down. Okay. We'll get into the next question. So Tori from the United States. My daughter is almost two and she's been screaming at my husband and I multiple times a day when she doesn't get what she wants. We'll give her a choice like, do you want water or juice? And she'll give us an answer. When we give her the results, she cries and wants the other. When we give her the other, she again, then cries and wants the other option. We try to ignore her and walk away when she tantrums by screaming, but she'll follow us and we'll scream and cry for over 20 minutes. It seems like ignoring her makes her more upset and she screams for more attention. What should we do? Okay. You're giving her too many choices. Some kids you can do that with, but the, some kids you can't, obviously you can't give her choices. Okay. So you say, okay, so we're going to have water now and you might pour water for everybody. And that's the only option she's got. She does not need to decide what she eats and drinks. Make sure it's healthy. I'm not nutritionist and all that, but you're giving her too many choices. Then not only that, you give her the choice. She makes a decision. Of course she's going to change your mind because you've just empowered her. She's bossing you around now. She's controlling you and she's loving it. And the funny thing is that they love it, but the reason why they cry is cause basically they need a leader. There's no leader there. They feel lost. That's why they start crying. No, I want juice. No, I want water. She's just lost because you're not leading. You made the mistake. You gave her a choice. You made the mistake of giving her, giving her a choice in the first place cause she obviously can't handle it. And then you went back on it. She said water, then she screamed because she wanted the juice. Then you gave her juice. You see now that was, yeah, you've already lost it. You're gone. She doesn't trust you. She's lost, she's lost confidence in you and it's all about you and your leadership. It's not about her at all. You're, you're teaching her to do this. You're making her feel very fragile. Right. I'd just say, okay, we're having water. No, I want juice. Well, we're having water right now. She has a fit. I'm just waiting it out. There's no way I'd pull out the juice at that point. Okay. The next one is Lauren from the United States. I have a two and a half year old and we're constantly struggling with her behavior, getting into the car seat. Every day they're screaming, crying and trying to escape and run through the car. She goes full rigid or lean so far over that we can't buckle her. What's the best way to handle this? How on earth is she running through the car? If I had a kid that I knew was going to be a battle, my sleeves are pulled up. I am ready for war. There's no freaking way they would get away from me. I would have them very firmly, but not hurting them. And the only way that they might get hurt is if they're pulling themselves away, right? But they've got to get in the car seat, right? And you're not going to let them get hurt. You know what I'm saying. So you hold them over the car seat. You do not look at them or talk to them. You wait it out. Give yourself an extra 10 minutes to get in the car. Okay. Be prepared for this. Have a plan. Okay. Cause I've dealt with lots of kids that I had struggles with trying to get in car seats, trying to get in strollers. And yeah, I just waited out. There's no freaking way I would get. If they, if they were fighting with me, there's no way I would allow them to get away from me. That is the fact that you let her get away and she's running through the car. Big, huge mistake. Now she's winning and now she thinks you don't know what you're doing. So she's just, she's just playing you like a fiddle. Just do not, do not let her go. Hold her over the car seat. Don't look at her or talk to her. You're going to win that battle. Outlast her. We used to call it the karate chop. When our kids would go stiff as a board because they didn't want to get in the car seat. We just wait till they took a breath. And then we used to say we give them a karate chop in the middle there and get them folded into the car seat. We didn't karate chop them, but we used to call it that. We just push them, push them down their hips down into the car seat, get them buckled up. And you don't talk to them while you're doing it either because they're having a fit. Just ignore it. Just physically take control. She's got to get in the car seat and you're going to get her in there. You can wait her out. But as soon as she escaped from you, that's a big, that's a real bad one. As soon as you say we're getting in the car seat and as soon as she gets away from you, you've already lost at that point. And the next one is Moaz from the United States. You say not to talk about the bad behavior, but what do you do when your child, who's four after having a tantrum that was ignored until they've calmed down, asks what they did wrong? Well, the tantrum isn't wrong. It's what they say, what did I do wrong? Say, well, I don't understand that. They already know. I don't understand. Are you treating a tantrum like bad behavior? I don't treat tantrums aren't bad behavior. It's a loss of emotional control, not getting their own way. So whatever started the tantrum, I would just say, well, you didn't hand over the remote control. And then I would stop talking. If they keep asking, I'd say, I already answered you. That's enough. And then I changed the subject. I would not be pulled into a conversation. When they question you, like the, but why, but why, but I don't understand. They're trying to manipulate you. This is a four and a half or four year old. They know what they're doing. Tantrums aren't bad behavior. It's a loss of emotional control and not getting their own way. So let's say if they come back at you and they say, well, why were you ignoring me? Say, well, I was ignoring the tantrum, not you. And then maybe I'm just trying to play this out as maybe they would say, like, you know, I don't answer a lot of that stuff. And that's the thing. They'll, they're, when they question you, it means that they're challenging you. That's a challenge. They get why you're in there. Get why you're ignoring. Why aren't you talking? They'll say it during the tantrum to why aren't you talking to me? Blah, blah, blah. Then you ignore it. They don't tend to come back afterwards and do a lot of questioning, but every so often they will. And that means that you have fed that you have been, you've been explaining yourself. The more you explain, the more they complain. Just say, just say it really quickly, really fast. Oh, well, you know, the reason why, uh, what did I do wrong? Well, you didn't hand over the remote control and I asked for it. Okay. That's whatever, whatever it was. Then they say, but why weren't you talking to me? Say, why would I talk to a tantrum? Then I'd end it. Therefore that's all I would say. Why would I talk to a tantrum? You do not need more. You explain the more they complain. I want to go back to this car seat one for a second. Another thing that comes up a lot is when parents say, well, whatever we say, we're leaving the park, the kids take off running and they're mad because they don't want to go. There's no way I would allow that. If I know I've got a runner, I'm already st- I'm hovering. I'm nearby. Then I casually just grab their wrist, not their hand. I casually just grab a wrist and then I say, we're leaving now. You see, you can't let them get away from you. Once they do, they've won and you've lost. So I'm prepared. So that's another really good point. It's the same idea as the car seat. Once you allow them to fight back and win, like run from you and get away from you. Now you're not a leader. What are you smiling at? She was smiling when I said that. No, just smiling. You said that's another really good point. I have so many wonderful points. And also with the, uh, them questioning you, guaranteed you, you explain too much if they ask you, but why, but why? I just said, I already answered that. I won't be talking about it again. I would shut it down. Mean, you're mean, you're mean. Oh, well, nice day out, isn't it? Yeah, don't let them do that. That's pure manipulation and control. That's all it is. Okay, we'll get into the next question. So Lauren from the United States. I have a three and a half year old daughter who's going through tantrums as well as my two year old son. I'm working on my leadership and my husband likes some of this style, but disagrees with some other things. When my daughter starts having a tantrum because she's not getting what she wants, my husband tries to tell her to breathe, tell her it's okay and talks to her during the tantrum. Can you explain more in detail your reasoning for ignoring the tantrum and letting the child get through the tantrum on her own, self-regulating her emotions? Because the tantrum is none of your business. That's her processing, not getting her own way. As soon as you intervene, now you're trying to micromanage her and you're interrupting her own lesson. You're interrupting her process of learning, wait a minute, I can't get my own way. You're interrupting her self-regulating. If you want them to self-regulate, they need to do it themselves. That's why it's called self-regulating. There's no tool that you could discuss with her that would work. Okay, they're watching you. It's you ignoring the tantrum, giving it no power whatsoever. That is what, that's where the lesson is. They will eventually move away from what doesn't work and they move towards what does work. By the way, when I said that's a really good point, I get very excited when I think I have a good point. And it's not so much that I feel like, wow, aren't I great? But I think it kind of is, maybe. I don't know, but it just, I get so excited when I think I've got a good point. The reason why that's such a good one is it comes up a lot in coaching. And every single parent I've told that to, it works. So I get very excited when something works that well. That's what it is. Well, I think that you get excited as well when you can convey the message of calm leadership in a different way. Yeah, that's a really common one though. And it's fast. Like parents say, oh my God, it works like a charm. But then they get, then they clue into the fact that when you start hovering that they're going to be going soon. So I said, what you do is I said, you look elsewhere, look like you're going for something else and then switch back and then go back and grab. We've got all sorts of plans for that. You always got to be one step ahead of them basically. Okay, the next question is Kristen from the United States. My daughter is currently two and a half. A lot of your advice is about toddler tantrums and what to do when they get mad and start screaming. Does any of your advice on how to handle them change if the child instead of getting mad just cries. My daughter doesn't get mad and throw a typical fit. She just starts loudly crying, moaning and lets the crocodile tears flow free. She's always been more of a crier, but it's so hard to get her to stop. That's the same thing. I call them fit scenes, meltdowns and tantrums and outbursts, whatever. It's all the same thing. It's this big emotional outburst at not getting what they want. It's the same thing. Okay, the next one is Shanice from Canada. It's been a whirlwind with my two almost three year old. He tantrums especially at bedtime, including kicking, hitting and biting. I've always laid with him to go to sleep. And yesterday there was a big tantrum at dinner, usually not an issue. My question is, I know you say meet their needs, but how do you manage that through a tantrum if their needs are sleep and they won't sleep or the needs food, but they're throwing their fork and plate. If I shouldn't ignore the tantrum, but they're tired or hungry, how do I lead that situation to cut the tantrum short and stop the behavior? My oldest was never a tantrum kid and we have a great relationship and he's very well behaved. I've no problem leading with him, but I feel like I'm failing to lead my youngest. There's not much respect at certain times. I'm surprised more people don't ask about this because I always say you meet their needs and manage their wants. So if they're having a tantrum over a need, you meet their need and that's exactly what they're asking about here. So the need is they need sleep. Okay, you said you lay down with him. I wouldn't offer myself. You're basically offering yourself for him to put on a show. So I would just say from now on, you're going to be sleeping alone. So just leave the room, let him have his fit. Okay, so then if he does come out, you walk him back to bed. Don't get in bed with him. You just got to wait him out. Let him work it through. He's because you're kind of feeding it, you're dragging it out. So he does need sleep. So let him let him learn how to get himself to sleep. He's two and a half. He can learn newborns can put themselves to sleep. I mean, he can learn how to put himself to sleep. So you just keep walking him back to bed or you might want to go if he can't get out of the room or if he's in a cot. I don't know if he's in a crib or whatever. I don't know. But then you can just go in there every two or five minutes and pat him on the back and say, you're all right. Try and lay him back down, but don't spend much time in there. If he's standing up, just let him stand up and then leave the room again. You just want to let him know that he's not in control of you. He's trying to control you. And with mealtime, just wait till he's finished having his tantrum that introduced the food again. Then wait till he's finished having his tantrum that introduced the food again, but don't talk to him during it. Any attention during a tantrum is feeding it and fertilizing it. It'll grow. It'll never stop happening. Okay. The next one is Sandra from the United States. My four year old has ear piercing tantrums. He screams at the top of his lungs and follows me around whining for what he wants after he's screamed. I've been ignoring his tantrums and that seems to get him even more mad and he starts screaming again. They're out there worse when we're out in public. He seems to tantrum and wine a lot more when we're around other kids his age or strangers. Once he's done tantruming, he'll say, I made people sad. And he'll say that on and off for about 10 to 15 minutes after the tantrum. I try not to acknowledge this because he's still in the tantrum hangover. And also this is usually once we're in the car because we've left the place when he was tantruming because I can't physically connect with him while I'm driving. I tell him, you're done now. Let's go home and play. He doesn't seem to hear me and continues to say, I'm angry. I made people sad. I don't listen. The tantrum is usually because I tell him it's time to leave the park library, et cetera. I feel bad that he's feeling bad about himself and I want him to get out of that state. I'm at the point that I avoid going out with my kids because I have so much anxiety about the tantrums that might occur. What should I do? Oh, he's so in control of you. He knows it too. Yeah. Past the age of three and a half, they only do what works. So it means that my, and then you said he's worse when you're in public. It means because you're different when you're in public. So yeah, it's all the same advice. He's just totally controlling it. And then who cares what he says? Oh, I make people sad. That's just manipulation and control. He's on a power trip. Okay. So just say, no, we're not sad. That's what I would say. I make people sad. I made you mad. No, not at all. Not at all. It's fine by me. That's how I would talk. Yeah, you're feeding it. He's, he wouldn't keep saying that at this age, you're feeding it guaranteed. So yeah, he's just on a power trip. Take away the power. I make people said, no, we're not sad. We're actually quite happy. We're okay over here. You see, take away the power and you got to be the same. You got to be 100% consistent. No matter if you're out or at home, you got to be consistent. He's playing you like a fiddle and he knows it. It's such a tell when he says, I make people sad. It's such a tell. He's trying to upset you. Yeah, just don't want to say, no, not sad. I'm actually quite happy that would, and he's going to get worse by the way, because he realizes he's losing power. As soon as they realize that they're losing power, they usually pull out all the stops and get worse for a short period of time before they give up. They usually get worse before they get better. And he, I'm pretty sure he will. We have one final question. So Santa, my 11 year old son has meltdowns when I'm going to bed as I have to get up early. I say, good night. Give him a hug and tell him I'm going to sleep. At that point, he starts crying and refuses to leave my room. He says that sleeping in his own room is hard, that he's scared and that he doesn't want to sleep alone. The only thing that works is threatening him with 24 hours of no screen. Only then does he go to his room sad to lie down. There, his dad reads him a book and talks him in. You say that you should always connect after a meltdown, which I don't do because I'm going to bed. What should I do? He falls asleep in his own bed and always comes in the middle of the night to lie down with his dad. On some days off, he's allowed to sleep in his dad's bed. You know, that, that's almost coaching. What else is going on? That's not the only thing going on. Guaranteed. I don't know. Like that's a byproduct of other stuff going on. So do you spend enough time with him before you go to bed? I would have a ritual. I would have a transition ritual. Okay. It's my bed time before I go to bed. We are going to do this every single night for 10 minutes. And that is the ritual. And then shut it down. Go to bed. Don't let him in bed with you or anything. And I was confused. I thought, does he have no one? Is he up alone? But the dad's up with him. He's okay. Then dad should have a ritual. Okay. So we're going to start playing this game. I'm going to play for 10 minutes and dad's going to finish. Okay. Have a ritual, a transition ritual where you go to bed, you connect with him for 10 minutes, then shut it down. And then dad continues the ritual. I don't know what else is going on. There's other stuff going on that I would address. I would probably address other stuff before I would address that to be honest. I don't know what else is going on though. But that, I give that a go. See if it helps. Okay. Well, that was everything. Okay. So that was outburst without getting upset. It's hard not to, but what the more experienced you get with this, the more you realize that when you get upset, you're feeding it, you're taking away your power and they realize that remember you want to stay on the high road, which is the calm road. You stay there as soon as you get upset, you're on the low road with them and there's no one on the high road to pull you guys up. So try your best to stay on the high road. If you are upset, just be upset on the inside. Try not to show it. It takes practice, but it does get easier. It just does. Cause you'll start to see the results and they'll get, everything will get easier. But in the meantime, it is hard. I've never said this is easy. Getting respect is hard work, but maintaining is a piece of cake, but you got to work for it. You got to put in the time and the effort up front. Okay. I think that's it. I think that's a great place to end. Okay. Thanks so much for joining us. 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