Unrequited

On this episode of Frisk, you'll hear... You didn't just crush my soul like I have a joke, you know? And you'll hear... I ejaculated so quickly I set a world record. And me, Kevin Allison, on the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. We'll be right back. We're back. Yes. One, two, three, go. Hello, folks. This is Jimmett behind me now, and today's episode is called Unrequited. that I'm going to tell you two things before we jump in. One, there's still time to sign up for my online storytelling workshop that starts on February 15th. It'll be on Sunday mornings at 10 a.m. Eastern Time for eight Sundays in a row. Email me at KevinAtRisk-Show.com to learn more. And two, in a little bit, we're going to hear a story from a beloved member of our team who's been hosting the Risk Live shows in New York recently. J.C. Cassis. J.C. will be hosting the next one on March 17th. But before that, a story from Connor O'Donohue. It's Connor's first time on the podcast, and we are so thrilled that he pitched us. Here he is now with a story we call, I Was the Appetizer. in 2002 the summer after my 21st birthday i spent about six weeks as an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital, being treated for depression. The first night in hospital was terrifying. I started out under 24-hour observation in one of a group of beds and directly in front of the nurses' desks and a lot of those nurses were big strong men, they had huge bunches of keys and they were never alone. But after a few days I was given a private room, I wasn't under 24-hour supervision anymore and after about a week I began to enjoy the hospital. No one really expected anything of me Life was easy here. I had space to breathe. The counselling I was getting was really good, even if the medication didn't seem to be making much of a difference. And after meals, we'd all line up to receive our pills like some kind of bizarre Holy Communion ceremony. What I really enjoyed, though, was the young adult programme. Although I was 21, I was put into a group with teenagers, and that seemed to be the closest fit for me. And this was the summer camp experience I'd never had. For three summers as a teenager, I'd gone to an Irish language summer camp in the west of Ireland and every summer I had come home without a single new friend. I'd been called smelly and nerd and fat and gay. I'd had other boys refuse to share a bedroom with me. I'd had girls refuse to dance with me. I'd walked along country roads alone while all the other teenagers walked in packs, coupling up, singing songs, having the best summer of their lives. Summer camp was a lonely hell for me. But now was my chance to do this right. I befriended the other members of the young adult programme with gusto, and we were wild. We hid from nurses, we teased elderly patients, we compared the cuts on our wrists, even though I didn't have any. We played colourblind by the counting crows over and over and over again, and we closed our eyes and we felt the music. We shared confidences with each other. Boys kiss girls, girls kiss girls, boys kiss boys. I had my second ever kiss and my third ever kiss, both with straight boys, both with a female audience. We condemned our parents, we played with each other's hair, we sat in each other's laps, we put our hands down each other's jeans, we shared every secret we had, we held hands, We fed each other chocolate and we licked each other's fingers afterwards. We cried. We had black days when we ignored each other. We read each other's text messages. We wore each other's underwear. We were encouraged to do activities together, so we modelled things from clay. We cooked together in a kitchen where the knives were numbered and locked up. We did guided relaxation exercises. We did creative writing. and we have group counselling where I use my age and my articulacy to make myself sound more fucked up than any of them. I fell in love that summer. Leaving was really weird. I was so sad that it was ending. But I was glad not to be a mental patient anymore. And I stayed in touch with the people from the young adult programme for a while, especially David. David was 17 and he lived over 200 miles away. I was 21 and I could borrow my mother's car He knew I was in love with him He allowed me to be in love with him He had very pale skin With long black emo hair And a big rugby player's nose He was typical of the deliberately weird type of guys I met in hospital Although he was straight He was happy to admit to me That he thought Johnny Knoxville from Jackass was really sexy While we were in hospital together He'd allowed me to have a pair of his underwear that he'd wanked into For weeks afterwards I'd take them out and I'd sniff his long dried cum while I was alone. And I would dream of him. I wouldn't touch myself while doing this. I'd just simper and sigh and imagine kissing him and imagine getting to watch him cum. Eventually, the dried cum crumbled into dust and disappeared. David didn't love me back. He was infatuated with a girl called Jojo from the Young Adult Programme, an 18-year-old with anorexia who had a boyfriend at home. Jojo and I both visited David's hometown on his 18th birthday. His dad was very pleased with me. He thought I was a good influence on David. I was older, I was steadier, I was doing a law degree. I was able to hold a conversation with adults. David had the keys to his recently deceased grandmother's house. He escaped there after lunch with his parents. The three of us sat in the front room of David's dead granny's house. We drank peach schnapps, and for a while, the real world didn't bother us. And it felt like we were still in our hospital bubble, safe from the pressures of real life. As we got drunk, David dared Jojo to take off her bra. She said she would if he took off his top. It was electrifying. I drank in David's pale, slim, shapeless torso with my eyes. His body wasn't thin enough to have any bones jutting out. and it wasn't fat or muscular enough to have any curves. An artist could have drawn his body with three pencil strokes because he was all straight lines. But I loved it. I was on the sofa next to Jojo. David was opposite us both, on an armchair. They upped the stakes and they each took off more clothing. At one stage, Jojo asked why I got to keep my clothes on. I answered that no one wanted to see me naked. We'd all discussed our issues, including my body issues, many times in hospital. And Jojo and David shrugged and didn't dispute what I'd said. I was sure no one in the world wanted to see me naked, and neither David nor Jojo said anything to contradict this. I was fat, they were thin, and they're busy playing sexual mind games with each other. And in the end, Jojo was just in her knickers and David was naked and erect. This was my second ever time seeing a real live erection. I asked if I could suck him. He said I could, so I manoeuvred myself onto the floor. Jojo lay back on the sofa and started touching her breasts and watching us. I licked David's penis and I put it in my mouth. He was squirming with anticipation and his penis throbbed. It must have been what every boy dreamed of getting for his birthday. An almost naked girl. And an enthusiastic blowjob. He had to tell me at least three times to be careful with my teeth. It had been three years since my only other sexual experience, which was an unfinished drunken blowjob in a dark laneway. I'd had three years to think about how I could be better at blowjobs. David certainly enjoyed me playing with his balls. He very much did not enjoy me playing with his asshole. I don't think it was because he didn't enjoy the feeling, but because he was worried it mightn't be clean. David got really excited by the blowjob, and eventually, Jojo was completely naked. He didn't come in my mouth, but I could feel his penis pulsating. He asked me to stop before he came. He wanted to play with Jojo. My mouth was the appetizer. He wanted her vagina to be the main course. Of course, I was sad, but not surprised. I knew this was actually all about her in his mind. They started rolling around on the couch. I could see they were both really turned on. David asked her if she'd have sex with him. She asked me if he had condoms. He said he didn't, but asked me if I could go around the corner to the shop to get some. I refused. I couldn't bear the thought of missing out on the sight of him naked. Also, I was just terrified of buying condoms. What was I meant to do? Just walk up to the shopkeeper and ask for condoms? What if they asked me what type I needed or how many I wanted? How was I supposed to know the answer to either question? What if they refused to sell them to me? How much did condoms even cost? How would I actually get the word condom out without turning bright purple? And I knew I was 200 miles from home, but what if my mother found out I was trying to buy condoms? No, I just couldn't do it. David got a text. Some of his friends from his town were on their way. He asked them to bring more alcohol and some condoms. While we were waiting, Jojo and he got dressed. They disappeared to a bedroom later on that day, while the rest of us were drinking, and they had sex. David's dad popped round while they were upstairs and David came downstairs in a rush with his t-shirt on inside out like a scene from a teenage sex comedy later that afternoon I tried to kiss David again he was receptive at first but later pushed me away telling me that I tasted a vomit which was unsurprising I had puked up a lot of peach naps earlier Jojo went home as did David's friends it was just me and I stayed for dinner with his family and I pretended not to be drunk and there was a cake with candles and we all sang happy birthday and I stayed the night. I was hoping that I'd get to see him naked again, maybe even to get to do some more stuff, but I didn't. Jojo rang us when she got home and David overheard her telling me that she thought he had a small penis He went to bed hugging his dog really upset His penis was definitely bigger than mine and I thought it was perfect And even though all I'd done was give a second man an unfinished blowjob, I added it to my mental list of times that I had had sex. I wasn't heartbroken in any way. I hadn't expected to ever do anything with David, and so I felt lucky to have got to see and taste his penis. Lucky to have got to kiss him. Lucky to have been involved even tangentially in his erection. And so, in spite of my disappointment at only getting to give a partial blowjob, I was still delighted that I'd even got that much. It took me years to realise that fat people might actually be desired or lusted after or loved. David and I stayed in touch. Every time he had a fight with his parents, he told them he was going to move to Cork and stay with me. His father rang me one day and told me to stop encouraging him, but as it turned out, I didn't need to. David and I stopped texting after about six months, and we never saw each other again. I went back to university again that autumn, and I told my friends that I'd had a threesome with a boy and a girl. Life is messy, and this story doesn't have a neat little bull that I can put on the end. I've had my ups and downs with my mental health since that summer, and luckily, I've never had to go back to hospital. And as for sex, I didn't actually have a beautiful sexual experience after David that I can point to and say, this was the moment I first had sex with someone I loved. Throughout my 20s and my early 30s, sex was something I only had once every few years and continued to be brief and continued to focus on the pleasure of the other men involved. I had something of a sexual coming of age when I was 35 years old. I moved to London and I embraced the world of chubby chasers and of being fetishised. I actually started having frequent hookups and dates and even one or two tentative relationships and that has made me a much more complete person and now at the age of 44 I'm still very single still living in hope that just maybe the next penis might actually be the one that sticks around When I was a child, I went to a small all-girls school from kindergarten through 12th grade. And so I was woefully unprepared for dealing with boys and crushes and dating and all that kind of stuff when I went to my midsize co-ed college. So I came to college not knowing jack shit about that stuff. And I met this very beautiful boy in one of my classes whose name was Bobby. And Bobby was very impressive to me because I was very dorky and I like did not know what I was doing with myself. And I was like kind of figuring it all out very, very slowly. But Bobby was kind of suave and he dressed very well. and he just seemed like he knew how to be in a way that like I didn't know how to be yet at that time in my life so he always looked great and he was hanging out with the cool kids and he had this like romantic backstory where like he had grown up in Europe and his mother had died young after giving birth to these five beautiful children and he had these sisters that looked like models and his heroic dad raised them all on like a rural farm in the south of France and they would all paint landscapes together like it was that kind of thing where it's just like who are you like we're supposed to be like dorky little kids who don't know what's going on like why are you so sophisticated but so I developed this crush on Bobby and I was very um happy to find that he was very friendly and nice and so we kind of became like casual friends and I got this huge huge crush and so a year and a half into knowing him middle of sophomore year I was like thinking to myself I was like I have to tell Bobby how I feel I just have to tell him because back then I didn't know what I was doing with like dating and crushes and all those things and I had this like thing inside me that was like, you must tell your crushes how you feel. And like, I don't know what I was expecting to write. Like, I don't know what I was expecting to get out of that because I think I knew like if they wanted something to happen, they would ask me out or they would say that they liked me or whatever. But this thing inside me was like, no, you must tell them how you feel. And I was like, but why? And it was like, because you must. And I was just like, okay. And so I was like, Bobby, can I like, you know, come by your room and talk to you? Cause I have something to talk you about? And he was like, sure. And so one afternoon I went over to Bobby's room and I knocked on the door and I came in and the sun was streaming through the window and Bobby was sitting there, you know, reading some highfalutin book that I wasn't familiar with and looking all glamorous and stuff. I said, you know, Bobby and my, my mouth was dry and my hands were sweaty and my heart was pounding. And I was just looking, my stomach was all up in my chest and I was like, I'm going to tell him, I'm going to tell him. And the voice was like, you must tell him. And I was like, I'm telling him, shut up, you know? And so I said, Bobby, I have something to tell you. And he was like, yeah. And I was like, well, I like you. And I just I think you're really cute. And I like you. And like, I looked to him for his response, hopefully. And he was like, well, I know that. And I have known that. And unfortunately, I don't feel the same way. I'm sorry. You know? Yeah. And then so like my heart kind of like disintegrated in my chest. And I thought, gotta go. you know so I was like oh okay that's fine bye you know so I like got up and I like ran to the door and I I got to the door and I I had gone like through the door frame and I was just pulling the door closed trying to get out there as fast as possible but I have this thing where it's like when I go through a very embarrassing moment like that I kind of want to like put a funny little button on it to kind of like be like you didn't just crush my soul like I have a joke you know and so as I was like closing the door like trying to inch my way out I was like you know he had said you know I'm sorry but I don't feel the same way and so I was like uh well let me know if you ever and change your mind. And then I was like, gonna slam the door and run away forever. But before I could, he goes, I'm never gonna change my mind. And so I was like, oh my God, like, dude, like I just took a big risk telling you how I feel. You said no in a nice way. I just tried to like make it a little lighter for both of us and get the fuck out of here. And then you like drop a bomb on me and blow me to smithereens. Like what exactly was the point of that? So, you know, he said that and I was just like, okay. And then I just like closed the door and run away. And so that was the damage in the moment and I feel like the collateral damage is like it's 22 years later you guys and I'm still fucking thinking about that moment you know like and I still think about that all the time but like I'm never going to change my mind you know and I'm just like oh like it still hurts a little bit even to think about it now and I feel like now when I like people like certainly there have been people who have liked me and I haven't liked them and that's fine and whatever and you know times when it's been mutual and whatever but I feel like now every time where I'm like, ooh, this person is really attractive. I'd love to like approach them and maybe see if they want something with me and da, da, da. And then I think of like, I'm never going to change my mind. And I'm like, ah, like maybe I shouldn't tell them. Like, you know, what if that happens again? What if they feel the same way Bobby does, you know? And so it taught me two important lessons. One is don't get crushes on people without like really knowing them. But then it's like very hard to get crushes on people once you really know them, you know? I haven't had a lot of crushes in the last like 15 years. But, you know, Bobby kind of showed me who he was in that moment of like, I've already done what needed to be done, but now I'm going to like crush this person just because like that's my honest feeling and I'm just not going to hold back, you know? And so it's like, I don't want to be vulnerable and be in love with somebody like that. So now I know that. But then I also think about how like people go to college to like learn stuff in their classes and prepare for a career or grad school or whatever. I don't remember jack shit that I learned in college in classes, but I will never forget what I learned outside of class from dealing with my classmates. So that is the collateral damage that I deal with in my life every day. So thank you. We'll be right back. This episode of Risk is sponsored by BetterHelp. We're taking a moment to celebrate women and all that they carry at work, in relationships, in families. March includes International Women's Day, and between caring for others and managing unseen responsibilities, women's emotional well-being can easily be overlooked. Take a moment to celebrate a woman in your life who's had a lasting and memorable impact on you, and let's all reflect on the roles we play, the expectations we place on them, the pressures they feel, therapy can help create balance, set healthy boundaries, and support overall well-being for everyone. Now, at BetterHelp, their therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S. BetterHelp does the initial matching work so you can focus on your therapy goals and find someone who's good for you. And if you aren't happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist at any time. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 6 million people globally, with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews. Your emotional well-being matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash risk. That's betterhelp.com slash risk. Life can feel overwhelming, but you don't have to go through it alone. On my podcast, From the Heart with Rachel Braython, I share openly and vulnerably about everything life brings us and what we can learn by living with our hearts a little bit more open. Every Friday, a new episode brings you a new story with topics on self-care, motherhood, healing, and more. You are enough, just the way you are. This podcast is a reminder of that. Follow and listen to From the Heart with Rachel Braython wherever you get your podcasts. We're back. This is Rizk. This is Ariel Shalom behind me now. And we just heard from JC Cassis, a little story she told while hosting a recent Risk live show in New York. She's at jc.cassis on Instagram. You can find her music on all the music streaming platforms at JC Cassis, and she'll be hosting the next Risk live show on March 17th. She also hosts and sings in Electric Moon Cabaret, a burlesque sort of show with singing. And before that, we heard from Connor O'Donoghue, a pleasure to listen to his one person show, Home Obesity, How My Fat Gay Body Made Me, has toured the UK and Ireland. He is on Instagram at Connor is not bad. Both of those stories reminded me of something I think I've said before on the show. I always hope that when folks share stories about you know when something happened in their romantic life or their sex life and they derived from it a conclusion like well I never do that again Or, oh, I guess for the rest of my life, they'll all be like that. Or, oh, well, I guess I found out how these things really work. or, oh, now I know I'm not the type that can ever be compatible with that particular kind of person, all that kind of stuff. I always hope that people still remain open to possibility, you know, because chemistry, timing, hormones, other things happening in people's lives or the world, parts of people's personalities or backgrounds you just haven't learned about yet, changes in your own psychological development. There are so many variables. You know, a comedian, for example, can get up on stage and do a three-minute joke in front of one audience, and it bombs horribly. Worst bombing that comedian has ever bombed. That comedian can then grab an Uber to another show, get up in front of an audience, do the same three-minute joke the exact same way they did it in another room 45 minutes ago, and it gets huge laughs. So it's just universally understood among comedians, you don't have a difficult experience once, and then decide, okay, I'm never attempting to make that joke work again. We all have experiences where we got badly hurt or felt mortified that we'd made a mistake or even seriously got mistreated. And so we all need to develop our own standards and boundaries and specific red flags we especially know that we should have our antenna up for. But at the same time, in my experience, pretty much all of the most passionate, the most surprising, the most intimate, the most breakthrough sorts of experiences I've had around sex and romance have come from moments of saying, you know what, this didn't work before with so-and-so, but I'm given another chance with this new fella. Or, oh, I've been told this sort of thing can end up being awkward, especially for someone my age or whatever the fuck it is. But I'll give it a try, you know? That's why I was so happy when Connor, in his story, found himself finally simply letting go of a lot of his sexual anxiety after he turned 35 and embracing the world of chubby chasers. You and me are in the same boat there, Connor. And finding that many of the hookups and dates and tentative relationships he had later made him feel like a more complete person. You know, my friend Jun Lee made an amazing movie called Queer Panorama, which won all kinds of awards at the film festival circuit last year. He won the golden horse for best director. That's like the Oscars of Taiwan. And I was just so surprised and moved by this film. It's about a young man in Hong Kong having one grinder hookup after another. It's basically 90 minutes of hookups between this young man and various other men. And I assumed that because of the messaging society gives us day in and day out, we've seen so many movies and everything else about it, this was going to be another movie that was going to be about how soulless and seedy and compulsive and completely meaningless casual sex is or random hookups. But then I started sinking into this movie and began to realize that, no, Jun Lee, the director, is actually paying homage to how many fascinating and curious and surprising and even beautiful hues and shades and textures of intimacy he's experienced through random grinder hookups. And yeah, there's a few nightmarish moments in the movie, but overall, it's kind of this tribute to being open to giving people and experiences a try and even giving aspects of your own personality you've never shown the world before a try. So, those are my random reflections on this sunny afternoon in Bangkok in February. Be careful not to get hurt to an extent, of course, but also be careful not to hurt yourself by telling yourself too many limiting stories based on past experiences or how people say things should work. Sex and romance work in mysterious ways. Folks, patreon.com slash risk is where you can find a check-in that I just posted last week about how I'm doing in Thailand now and how I'm feeling about stuff going on in the States. But since I uploaded that check-in, a Patreon member reached out to say, a quick thank you from Minneapolis. Less than a year ago, Kevin emphasized the importance of community in preparing for and resisting state-sponsored atrocities. He promoted a particular group, No Small Act, as a place you could go to engage. I just wanted to say thank you for your inspiration as a resident of Minneapolis who took your exact advice and joined No Small Act. I have been on the streets and prioritizing the work that needs to be done in this city since the afternoon of Renee Good's killing. And being connected with No Small Act as a part of that has been an asset. Thank you for helping us prepare. I was so grateful to get that message. And I'm so grateful to anyone who is learning about the wide variety of ways people can get involved and slowly but surely turn things around for the U.S. And yes, no small act is in 45 states so far and can help you meet folks in your community and help you learn about little actions and big actions and all kinds of ways to support one another. And we just put this bonus story on Patreon also. It's by Melanie Hamlet. Sounds something like this. And then one day I'm like rehabbing my knee in the pool and I go get in the hot tub and I'm sorry if I out any ladies here. Maybe I'm the only, maybe this is a pervy thing to do. I don't know. No one's in the tub. It's fine. If you position yourself just right on those jets, it's the best sex of your life. I'm glad I took my shirt off because it's getting hot thinking about it. Anyway. And there's plenty more where that came from. Watching our live shows from anywhere in the world, getting an ad-free feed of the podcast, and most importantly, making it possible for Risk to continue to keep on keeping on. You can do all of that by joining our Patreon at patreon.com slash risk, or upping your current support level at patreon.com slash risk. Or you can make a one-time donation at paypal.me slash risk show. Next up, a story from J. Michael. Now, this was recorded at our dear friend Julia Whitehouse's show, Top Shelf Stories, at UCB in New York City. Top Shelf Stories is such a fabulous show. Julia just does such a great job with it. So definitely look it up. And J. Michael shared this story there. It's a story we call Ready for Asking. So even before I joined the military, I was living Don't Ask, Don't Tell very internally. I was doing lots of things I wasn't asking myself about, and I definitely wasn't telling anyone that I was doing them. A lot of people that know me think that I went to the Naval Academy because I come from a military family, or because I was recruited to row there. But what really was happening was I had figured out that if I went to what I thought was the toughest school in the country, in best case scenario, it would cure the thing I wasn't thinking about or acknowledging, or it would make me so tough that no one would ever be able to think that I was that thing. So my logic at 18 was to go to a school with communal showers and was 90% men because I was afraid that I liked looking at naked men. it actually started surprisingly in the beginning. It worked. During plebe summer, plebe is what you call a freshman at the Naval Academy and summer is before fall. So during, during plebe summer, it's eight weeks before the fall semester where they basically break you down so that they can spend the rest of the year mentally and physically abusing you to build you back up. And so during that entire year between all that was happening and crew practice, I didn't really have enough time to think about maybe the fact that I might be gay. And I say maybe because this was 2002. And so even outside of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, gay wasn't really said in a positive way or even to acknowledge someone's sexuality. I mean, look, I had watched Will and Grace, but at a very low volume and very scared that someone was going to walk in on me. And I had one time stumbled across an AOL mail-for-mail chat room in which I chose water sports because I was a swimmer and thought that's where I belonged. and then logged out very quickly when a man told me he was 24 and liked to be peed on. And the thing that I thought weirdest about that conversation was, why was that old man talking to me? So I was really good at sort of, you know, wrapping my head around and denying situations. In high school, I was actually in like a circle jerk club and had convinced myself it was just boys being boys because we're experimenting and I have a girlfriend, which also made it worse because the first time that she and I had sex, I then got hit by a car and thought that it was God punishing me for not waiting till marriage, which is how I justified not having sex with her again. I was both Catholic and closeted, and that's a real train you don't want to ride on. So I end up finishing plebe year in the school where the homoeroticism is at an all-time high, and my internal homophobia and fear of getting caught or even acknowledging who I am is higher And something started to mess with my plan And that was that I didn realize when you feel like you the only person in a situation how isolating that is and how much that starts to eat away at you. So as I headed in to my sophomore year, I felt very alone. I had friends and I had a life, but I felt like I was the only one in this entire academy that was dealing with this. And the thing about the military is even though the physical and mental abuse had sort of slowed itself down a little bit, it's still a lot of rules. So I didn't have a phone and I couldn't listen to music. And, you know, we had room inspections. All four years of the academy, I slept on a sleeping bag on top of a pre-made bed that I would make in the beginning of the year and tape down. So that way, when they came in for inspections, I didn't have to ever make the bed. So I literally in all my college never got between two sheets. I just slept on a sleeping bag and then the morning would roll it up and put it away. And the scariest thing decides the whole what's going on with Am I Gay? is one time during a room inspection, I had a Walkman or like a CD player. And when I heard them coming, I shoved it in the tile and they were inspecting the room and they lifted up to look if anything was in the ceiling and was the one right on the tile. And I thought, well, this is how I die. I was just in a con state of fight or fright. The other thing that was really hard was that they monitor everything that you did on your computer. So when you're 19 and everything that you look at, you know someone else might be looking at, it's really hard to use the internet to escape or explore this sort of deep-seated question of what's going on with me and why do I feel so different. But I also was 19, so every once in a while I would slip up. And I'm sure you're all thinking porn. But you have to remember it's don't ask, don't tell. So even just looking up anything gay could get you in just as much trouble. But yes, also very generic porn. Rest in peace, dudes off campus. That site got me through some hard times. No matter what happened, it would always end with me being fully terrified that someone's going to pound on the door or get me an email that said, hey, we need to see you at the disciplinary committee. Now, if my friends or other classmates got in trouble at the disciplinary committee, they'd get put on restriction. If I got caught for looking at anything remotely gay, I'd get kicked out of school, which would A, end my college career, and B, tell everybody something I didn't want them to know. So I lived with this fear, but I also lived with, like I said, with the fact of this complete isolation, loneliness, slash horniness sort of piece. And so I found a workaround, I thought, and it was this site called xy.com. Now, for those of you who are not of the homosexual position, xy.com was a magazine that existed for basically like high school and college gay kids. And I knew this because I had gone to Barnes & Noble and secretly looked at it two or three times, shoving it in a hunting magazine so no one else could see it at the rack. And so xy, though, when you logged onto the site, and again, this is before Facebook hit, We were a year away from Facebook and eight years away from Hilary Duff telling everyone not to use gay as a slur. So to have a website was insane. And so they also had built the website so that it didn't, like if you logged on to it, it didn't seem like it was a gay site. So I thought, well, if I get caught, I can always be like, I don't know. I thought it was a guy magazine. They also had personals. And this is way before apps and Craigslist and Manhunt and all that sort of stuff. And so I would go into the personals and I would type in Annapolis, Maryland, and then have like a brief moment while it was like loading to be like maybe and then just disappointment because obviously no one was there. And then I don't remember why because I'm a lot older than this story, but I decided one day that I was going to post a personal ad on XY.com. If you were outside the academy and you saw this ad, you would assume that either this man was insane or a serial killer. It was written so that only someone who also was at the academy would understand it, but also said that there was nothing that could come back to me. So it was not only vague, it was cryptic. There was obviously no photos. And I posted it and immediately started to think, I should delete this, but also, what if someone responds to it? But also, oh, fuck, what if someone responds to it? And so I just left it and waited, and no one came and busted down my door and took me away. And every couple of days I would check it, and obviously no one responded. And then one day I came home from class a little bit earlier because they had sent everyone home because Hurricane Isabel was coming down the Chesapeake. And I got back to my room before my roommate, and I logged on, and I checked xy.com, and there was a message there. And it said, hey, are you at the academy? I'm at the academy. Hit me up, and he sent the AOL instant message name. And I copied the name down, and then I deleted the message. and then I went to AOL Winston Message and I created a whole new profile name because I didn't want it to be tied back to me in any way. And then I thought to myself, I'll just say hi because he'll probably won't respond. And then I waited for a while and then I was like, and I said hi and then he immediately responded, which makes sense because everyone at the academy had been sent back to the dorms. And we started chatting and it was a very vague conversation. We were feeling each other out without giving any sort of information back and forth. And then he said, hey man, let's meet. I'm going to go to Nimitz Hall. the basement study room is always left unlocked. I'll be there in 30 minutes. I used to think that by going to meet him, God punished me with this next part. But now looking back on it, I don't believe in God, but if he exists, I think he was basically being like, get off your ass, gay boy, because I was so scared that I know I probably would have never met this guy. But before I had the chance to come up with an excuse or talk my way out of it, the entire power went out at the Naval Academy. So I couldn't respond. So I just sat there in the dark for like 10 minutes in my room. And then I was like, fuck it. And I put shoes on and I ran across a kind of flooding parking lot to the Nimitz study hall basement. His name was Jeff. He was a junior. I thought he was very attractive. We talked for a while. Mostly he talked because I was so nervous. I basically was like this. Then we moved on to the salacious stuff. And by that, I mean nothing because I ejaculated so quickly, I set a world record. And also God was flooding the Naval Academy for me to be at this meeting. So I really had to get the F out of there. So nothing really happened. I got back to my dorm room and I sort of like panicked, relaxed, everything's fine. The waters receded, the Academy was cleaned up. A few weeks later, I didn't hit up Jeff on Instagram. He didn't hit me up either. A few weeks later, I'm doing my homework and suddenly I get an IM from Jeff. And Jeff says, hey, why don't you come by my room tonight at 8? And he sent me his room number. And I was like an idiot and thought, okay, I'm going to do this. Maybe a repeat? Because it was so good the first time. So at 8 p.m., I go to his room, and he is there, and he's with two other guys. And so I walk in, and I'm like, oh, not a repeat. Because I hadn't reached the porn stage yet where I realized there could have been other options, including these guys. So I was like, okay, so that wasn't why he had asked me. He said, hey, my buddies and I, we're going to go out tonight, and we thought maybe you'd want to come. And he made it clear that his two buddies were just like Jeff and I. I couldn't leave the academy because I was a sophomore. I didn't own any civilian clothes because I was a sophomore. I didn't know these three guys at all, and so I asked no further questions and said, sure, yeah, I'll do it. Let's do this. So I ran back to my dorm room. I got my ID. I told my roommate, hey, just cover for me. and then got out before he could ask any questions. We went to DC and I changed clothes in his car. And when we got to DC, we pulled up into a place called Apex and we got out. And I was like, oh wait, I don't have like a fake ID. I don't think I can get in. And Jeff said, don't worry about it. It's college night, just use your military ID. And so then I was like, oh, I guess we're going to a straight bar or like a straight club because you can use your military ID. So I gave him my military ID and the guy put an X on my hand and we walked in and it was not a straight bar. Jeff ran me to the bathroom and washed the X off. His friends bought Coronas. And then he walked me out to my first gay bar and my mind was blown. It was so much. And everything was exciting and new, the lights, the drag queens, the shirtless bartenders, but mostly the crowd. There were so many people there. And I kept being like, like just looking at random individuals and being like, these guys are like me. They're literally like me. And I couldn't get over it. And then Jeff brought me off the dance floor and we were dancing. And then he did the sexiest thing that ever happened to me up until that point is that he took his shirt off. and then he lifted my hands up and took my shirt off. And then he pulled me in and I could feel his hand on my back and he reached in and he like kissed me. And he kissed me in a way that was like very much he knew what he was doing. And I fell in love and was like, everything in my little brain exploded. And I thought, this is the man, I'm going to marry him. I am fully not willing to admit that I am gay, but I have naming the children, we're getting a dog, white picket fence, the whole thing. And then Jeff and I dated for a number of months, which is a lie. Jeff was making out with someone new like 15 minutes later because I had that thing when you're newly gay where your first love immediately is your first heartbreak. But something was different because what was different this time was I wasn't being punished by God or I wasn't punishing myself. I was dealing with a Naval Academy junior fuck boy. and that set me off this path to start to realize that it was going to be a long time before I started to come out to my friends or my family or myself. But while I wasn't ready to do any of the telling, I definitely had started asking. So thank you very much. This is Risk. This is a bunch of behind me now. And we just heard from Jay Michael. Jay does all kinds of stand-up and storytelling and everything in between. You can find a lot of his storytelling right there on Instagram at Jay is not on Instagram. Thanks so much to Jay for letting us run that recording. and thanks to Julia Whitehouse for sharing the recording of Jay's story with us. It was recorded at the UCB Theater in New York as a part of Julia's Top Shelf Stories series. For tickets to upcoming Top Shelf shows, visit ucbcomedy.com. Folks, don't forget, there's still time to sign up for my online storytelling workshop that starts on February 15th. It'll be on Sunday mornings at 10 a.m. Eastern for eight Sundays in a row, email me at kevinatrisk-show.com to learn more. This episode was directed by Taj Easton and edited by Jeff Barr. Connor O'Donohue's story was also coached and sound designed by Taj, who edited all the stories on this episode. Thanks to our business director, J.C. Cassis, who you heard in the middle of the show, and our casting director, Cindy Freeman, who would love for you to send us your story pitches at risk-show.com slash submissions. And I am telling you this, folks, today's the day. Take a risk. bladder ris blatant