Norm Macdonald + Adam Ray (Carolla Classics)

Welcome to Coral Classics, I'm your whole super fan Giovanni. This is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights, and fans like the clips from all 17 years of the Adam Corolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Coral Classics, available exclusively through Podcast 1.plus. You can find the ad-free archives, and if you'd like to find the ad-free archives of the Adam Corolla show, the Adam and Dr. Drew show, or get access to the brand new podcast, beat it out, make sure to check out Adam Corolla's sub-stack, AdamCrolla.substack.com. And if you'd like to request a clip, please email us at classicsandAdamCrolla.com. No on to the clips. Coming up first today we have Adam Corolla show 1913, one on one with Norm MacDonald from back in 2016. Rest in peace Norm. I'm his guest today, Norm MacDonald. And now, a guy who doesn't drive, being interviewed by a guy who just spent 4.4 million on a Porsche, Adam Corolla. Yeah, get it on, got to get it on, no choice but to get on mandate. Get it on, Porsche off, by the way, I've been corrected by Snobbs in the past. Norm MacDonald in studio. Of course, Sto Rossi. Yeah, good to see you my friend. You too, Pally. How the fuck do you get 4.4 million dollars? Where's that going? How the fuck do you get that? You got to blow a lot of dudes. No, here's how you get it. You sell a whole bunch of your other cars that you bought over the course of the last decade so that you can raise the money for the one car. So it's like sell five or six cars to raise some of the money for the one car. So is this like, you love this car? I did a documentary about the Paul Newman racing and this is the car he drove at Le Mans. So it was a big deal. Did you meet Paul Newman? No. Oh fuck. Yeah, sad, right? He invited me to, because I was on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and that was my charity, right? So I went to half a million dollars and went to... Hold the wall gang. Hold the wall gang. But I didn't tell them so they just got a check for 500 grand. Should have got a million. So then, yeah. I want to get into that. So then, they keep sending me a fucking, they want more money. Oh, it's like an alumni association. They think I'm a guy with a half a million dollars every fucking year. So I'm like, no, I don't have a half a million. Yeah, that's Norm MacDonald. He must be some sort of shipping magnet or something. I've never heard of it, but he evidently has very deep pockets and loves homeless children so we should just keep hitting him up for money. That's exactly what he was going to meet me. So he's my hero. I don't know. I love that. Newman's your hero? Well, I love all his movies and I love how he's conducted his life. Oh boy, do I have a documentary for you. Really? Yeah. The one you made. Yeah, it's all about his racing life. Oh, that's awesome because yeah, I love that, I don't know how old he was, but he was 40 or something. You know, he was when he started racing. Yeah, late 40s. He became one of the best amateur drivers. Four-time national champion. Amazing. I got two of his championship cars 100 feet from here. And he's a by all evidence, he was monogamous with John Woodward, you know, he wasn't a player when he was the most handsome guy ever. You know, it's weird. I just thought about Norm. I think you might appreciate this conceptually. We appreciate two dudes. We appreciate the guy who's been faithful to his wife for 47 years and never looked the other way with all the trappings of Hollywood. And we then thus also worship at the altar of the guy who fucked everything that wasn't nailed down. That guy was serious coxman. I mean, boy, he fucked everyone. We don't, but when someone goes, he fucked like eight chicks over the course of 40 years ago. I don't know about him. Well, you know, it's like a, if a guy gets feast or famine in the, in the fucking department. It's like if a guy, if a guy gets divorced twice, he's kind of a loser, but he gets divorced nine times. Yeah. He's a character. Oh, ladies man. Yeah. Hide the, hide the daughters when he comes into town. I met Mickey Rooney. So, you know, he had, he had, was a big star in the world and he was married. Norm's eating, by the way. I'm sure. Anyone wants to know what's going on. So he was married to, I don't know, but it was like Ava Gardner, like seven beautiful women, the biggest women in most women in Hollywood. So in his head, he still thought he could get these women, you know, he could. It works on chicks. It doesn't work on dudes. Oh, what I'm saying is. You mean like B Arthur or something? Yeah. Like if I, if I found out that Lorenzo Lamas Jr. was banging B Arthur 10 years ago, I wouldn't go, well fuck, give me a piece of that shit. I'd go, he's got a mental condition. But women, when they find out that Sophia Loren is sucking off this fat producer, then they go, oh, must be good enough for me. You see how it works? And well, I did see if it's a feeling around suck up. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's a true. How do you think we know her name? Oh, Lord God. I don't, I don't know for sure. But you're allowed on the show to just slander. Well, no, I'm not. Look, she's a dear friend. She's a dear friend. Now I don't know her background. All I can say for sure is this, that it works this way with women. If there's one dude who beds a Kardashian and a Harris Hilton, he'll then get in a Lindsay Lohan. He'll get to mow through other Hollywood hot chicks. Like David Spade is that David Spade is that guy. And I would say he's the, he's more because Warren Beatty was always the gold standard, but Spade doesn't have the looks of Warren Beatty. He's the aw shucks rapist. Well, I don't know why you brought up rapist. My Lord God. No, what I'm saying is is Spade has quietly mowed through the entire bevy of blondes in this town, but he does it in a sort of unassuming way. Yeah. Spade is an interesting character because he's, he's outside of Hollywood. He makes fun of it. And yet he's deeply inside of Hollywood. Ball's deep. Yeah. Well, you know, he'll be on red carpets and I went out with him one time. He's like, let's go to a bar. We go to a fucking bar and then, you know, people let us in, which is horrible, you know, like past everybody. Right. You go, let those guys in. Yeah, they're gonna spade in his bodyguards. It's Haggard Bodyguard. It's Haggard, is that right? So I've never seen a picture of George Harrison not Haggard. He's somewhere, but he's B Haggard. He's like beleaguered and Haggard. Like he's Haggard with a beleaguered. He Haggard. Yeah. How about the fact that George Harrison, oh, we got to get back to it. How about the fact that he just got done beating cancer and a mad person broke into his estate and stabbed him repeatedly. I forgot about that. Jesus Christ. That's bad luck. And anyone think that maybe hanging with the Dalai Lama isn't what is cracked up to be like in terms of karma. How do you get into those? Like remember that guy was going to jump over and to rape Steven Spielberg. Right. Duck tape is mounted on. I don't know why you're so fixated on rape. I'm just playing out here baby. It seems easier. It's that kind of thing where it's like, what happened? Well George Clooney was in Toronto shooting for three weeks and a woman moved into his house. It's like, it seems a little casual considering there's walls and security cameras. There's alarm systems. But you see it. Yeah, Letterman would come home and there'd be a lady that thought he was his wife. Waiting in bed. Yeah. And he only fucked her twice. Oh my lord. I have a stock at this. My stocker. Oh, you have a stocker. Yeah. Well, hold on a second. Hold on. I want a plug. I want to plug and I want to get back with you. All right. I'll eat an almond. Eat an almond. Eat an almond. Eat an almond. And based on a true story, a memoir, it's Norm's book. It's available now on Amazon. You can bookmark it at amcroll.com and put a little wind in the sails of pirate ship. And I see nominated for Pulitzer Prize. Is that for this book? For the book. Wow. Good on you, man. Yeah, man. God bless you. I'd rather write a good book. The book was really good. It was interesting. Great. You read it? Yeah. And I don't even know how to read. That's great. I went home last night and I read it because, and it started off with a very good book. It's a very interesting statement, which is this is based on true events. But if you really try to dissect what a true event is, it's only as you remember it anyway. And if you hang around with Kimmel long enough and he did enough episodes of The Man Show and you drank enough beer, he'll have a different version of almost every story that I'm locked off on. And when you're in the story and you know it's false, but the other guy, he goes, you caught a big fish. You go, I've never fished in my life. He's convinced you caught a fucking big fish in his stupid head. So the story is whimsical, but there's many parts of it that are based in truth growing up where you did and can it on a farm and things like that. But very funny, a very good read. So and nominated for Pulitzer Prize. So how bad can it be? No, it's not bad. All right. So you and David Spade are walking into a bar. Okay. So I was saying that. Yes. So yeah. So we go into the bar. So it's packed with people, you know, and I don't like a lot of people. And then you get a little fucking plastic drink and you drink it and then Spade goes, let's get out of here. I'm like, what? And I don't even want to be there. And you know, you're an inch from somebody's face. And so then we go to another bar. He does the exact same thing. Right. Let's get out of here. So he just goes places and exits. Yeah. But I think there's a power. I think there's a certain power in leaving. Yeah. I guess there is. Yeah. But you know, he plays the long game. Like he's always texting them. You know, he doesn't bed them the night he meets them. Like a year later. Right. But he's got so many on his. He fucks them in the bathroom. Yeah. But not on a bed. Never on a bed. I hear what you're saying. I'm reading between the lines. I can't talk about that. Now it's going to sound like I'm saying that. No. No. What he does is he quietly, like here's what I'm saying. Here's what I'm saying. If you had a list of the famous coxmen of the town with the Warren Beaties of the world and the Wilt Chamberlains and stuff like that, somewhere in the 13th spot would be David Spade. Absolutely. And everyone would go, how do you get on this list? A cute little blonde guy? I put him way farther up than that. Way farther up. I put him maybe number one. Well that's what I'm saying. In terms of sheer numbers. Quietly goes about his business. Yes, he does. And until we start talking about it. I know we shouldn't. But he's very self deprecating about it. But he also, he knows everything that a young girl knows. Like a beautiful 20 year old. He can talk to them about keeping up with the Kardashians and whatever the hell. And then if I try to talk to a young girl I go, you ever watch Matt Locke? I wouldn't work. But he has the same exact interest that they do. So it really works. Yeah, my problem is I'm too technical. I like cars and building. Oh yeah. So it's always trouble. Like it's always. Well Newman's, he ran in the Trans Am series but it was really a 300 ZX with a turbo and a V6 on it. So it was a, yes it was the Trans Am series but it was not a Pontiac Trans Am and I can see her. And the girl still there? Oh, she's attempting to kill herself by falling in her mascara pen. Oh God, stabbing yourself is a certain type of suicide. Yeah it is. And I know a person that did it and Charles Rocket did it. Well, hold on a second. We're talking about Arty Lang? Oh, I forgot about Arty Lang. Yeah. No, a friend of mine when I started in Canada, he killed himself. Much like Charles Rocket, he went outside and stabbed himself naked. And Charles Rocket did that in the snow. It's a very different. Charles Rocket. He was the update host that got fired for saying fuck on the air. What year was that? You remember that? I evidently know because that's who he was. But before you. Yeah, he was pretty famous. Like they were trying to make him a Chevy Chase. And Dennis after before, now Dennis was like what? Before Dennis, what year are we talking about? God, the cast was like Danny Dillon and I think Gilbert Godfrey. 8081 and then his death was in 05. He stabbed himself. Yeah. What was it saying about his death? He slit his own throat. Jesus Christ. He slid his own throat. Jesus Christ. So yeah, there's something, you know, you would think if you took yourself out, you'd want to do it like the, you'd think of the easiest way, you know what I mean? Yeah. Not the most painful. Well, for me, it's a one to punch. Like for me, it's I don't want to experience pain. Yeah. And I'm lazy. Yeah. I don't want to hike to the top of a suspension bridge, you know what I mean? Or something like that. So what would you do then? I got to go pills and booze. I'd probably consult Dr. Drew. Oh yeah. Like I don't want to, here's what I'm looking for Drew. I don't want to go all Terry Shiveau. Right. You know what I mean? You don't want to fail. I don't want to spend the next 20 years with a load in my pants hooked up to a respirator. There was a guy on the, on the, that was on Seinfeld. Somebody will look this up, I'm sure. But there's a, there's a, an audio of him phoning 911. He tried to kill himself. He shot himself in the head and he lived and he phones 911 and he's like, yeah, I'm here. I was going to get my foot amputated tomorrow because he had type E. Type E's. So he says, I decided to kill myself, but I'm, I'm alive and I shit my pants. He worked that into the, I guess it's a nice courtesy heads up to the ambulance guys. Right. Well, the cops come. Like, you know, it's a 20 minute, they stay on the line. Daniel Von Bargen. Daniel Von Bargen who played. George's boss. George's boss. Wow. You know a lot about this stuff. It was just a thing. But he, and then he later died, but, but anyways, yeah. And then the cops come and they're going in there. Where's the gun? Where's the gun? It's over there. Yeah. No, I'm no threat. So Norm, I was watching you and Regis. Regis was like, Oh, the millionaire thing. Yeah. And it, I've had this happen on a much smaller scale where you've done the stupid thing for me. It was like Jeff Fox, where they have to try to be smarter than a zygote and you give your answer and they go, are you sure? And you go, uh, why? And they go cause, and then you know, it's a celebrity thing. So they may be helping you out. That's because once you lock it in, it's fine. All, and you go, Oh, well, hold on. Maybe it's Cape Horn. Is it Cape Horn? That I'm talking about. Maybe it's not the Marianas trench. And then you go, okay, if you're sure, you go, well, I was, but no, I'm not. Regis. God, he fucking gas lit you. No, he didn't. What happened was I thought he knew the answers or I thought, even if he doesn't know the answers, he's real smart, but it turns out he doesn't know any of the, I just know anything. No. So, uh, but what happened was during the break, this is for the million dollars. Yeah, I know. But right before the million dollar question, Regis said, we got to take some time off cause Notre Dame's playing. That's his, uh, his team. So he wanted to watch it and I had all this money on it. So he's like, how much money do you have on it? So I told him, he's like, what? So, so he's like, are you just, uh, cause I had guessed how much money did he have on it? I had money on it. He was, he was a fan. How much did you have on a lot? How many think ballpark? So he was worried. What ballpark? I don't know. 50, 50, 50,000. Yeah. Okay. So I was pretty, you know, into it and, uh, you wanted to know. I wanted to know. So, so then when he, and I had just guessed on an answer for 500,000, uh, I, it was a question about, here was the question. Um, who wrote Ocalcata with John Lennon? So I didn't know anything about musicals. There was four answers. One of them was Beckett. So I thought, well, Ocalcata, it sounds like a depressing fucking bleak thing. I mean, anything I ever heard about Calcutta, right? Sure. But it's just shit in the street. Right. Like human shit. Human shit. Yeah. So I say, well, Beckett used to write about human shit a lot. So I guessed. So he knew I guessed. I said it fast. Like final answer, cause I didn't want him to stop. And, uh, so then, then we go on the break and he realizes I'm a compulsive gambler. So then when we get back, he then he wants to protect me. That's all he was trying to do. And actually, if I had answered the million dollars, it would have been better for the show because they have an insurance policy that if someone wins the million, the insurance company pays. So the half a million is the worst thing that could happen to them. Right. Cause it's the maximum amount they have to pay. It's interesting. Yeah. What people don't realize is if you want to do some sort of contest, like you put the piece of plywood in front of the hockey goal and it's got the little cut out as big as a mousetrap and the guy's going to hit it from the blue line if it goes through and you win a million bucks, that's in short. Yes. So that's right. Right. So the hockey whoever owns the team doesn't pay. They pay some underwriter, 15 grand who does a bunch of calculations and they'll, they'll pay the million bucks. Yeah. If, if on the off chance, the puck goes through and hits the net. Yeah. Those guys, those underwriters or whatever they're called are fascinating. It's like the character that Edward G. Robinson played in a double indemnity where he was, he does a great speech where he goes, death by death by, I can't do it. Do it. Edward G. Robinson. But he's like, listen, cause the guy died from jumping off a train. He goes, listen, death by jumping off a bridge, 14% death by and he had all the deaths, you know what the percentage was. He goes, death by jumping off a train, 0%. Anchoring SNL's news and slitting your throat less, way less than 0%. So you, you go on Letterman, you, you knock it out of the ballpark. You, you, you break down in tears. Then you, on SNL as well and hit a home run. Is there a same year? Yeah. Yes. Is there a thing with you? So Norm. I'm trying to figure this out with you. On one hand, you're a little reclusive. You got a, you know, you got a little Howard Hughes in you. Well, a mad genius kind of a thing. Yeah. But you got the Howard Hughes where you're buying the $4 million. On the other hand, the better side of it. You also have the part where you, you clean up, you pull it together, take a shave, take a shave and take a shave and you go out there and hit a home run. That's true. So I can do that. So why not do that all the time? I don't know. Because you have that gear. It's a gear you can go into. Oh yeah. You know, I don't think Jan Michael Vincent can find that gear on his transmission. Damn. Sorry for the car metaphor. But I'm saying you find that gear. Where, why did you say Jan Michael Vincent? Well, I'm thinking of a guy who really can't clean up, straighten up, get a shave, put on a suit and get out there and hit a home run and do something that you do like a stand-up set with the skill that it takes or go on Saturday night live and hit a home run. And that department, I don't think that's within his grasp. Well, he was the most handsome guy in the world. Yes. And then Booze, shows you what Booze can do. You know, it took away his looks. But I, it's strange you said that because I follow him on Twitter. You do? I DM'd him and then this other guy goes, it's not him. He's, like, on that, he's real, like, belligerent on his, he's like, ah, fuck you, you cock suckers. I got no, you know. Yeah, he was a big star in the early 70s and he was really just kind of known for, he was Patrick Swayze before Patrick Swayze was Patrick Swayze. It's like, if you were looking for a guy to take a shirt off in a movie, it would have been Jan Michael Vincent. And I don't mean all roided up and puffed up. I just mean a natural, great athletic physique and great, great looks. I mean, airwolf, mechanic, world's greatest athlete. Oh, the world's greatest athlete? What? No, that was Kurt Russell. I think it was him. We got to figure out whether it was him or not. And then, I believe it was Kurt Russell. Maybe, maybe that was funny. You said that was one of the first movies I ever saw. Hooper. I was so excited. Hooper. He was in Hooper? I think he was in Hooper and I think he was in Big Wednesday too, maybe. Big, I don't even know what that is. I know he was in the mechanic with Charles Bronson. Well, he was in Hooper with Bert Reynolds. No, he wasn't. What would it have sounded like if Jan Michael Vincent was asking Bert Reynolds about a stunt? What would Bert's advice be to Jan? He called him Gags. Gags, that's right. Yeah, that's what it sounds like. Yeah, he played Ski in Hooper. What? I'm blowing your mind. I am, really. Because usually, see this is, by the way, Brian Keith is Bert. Brilliant in Hooper. Yes, this is why we don't get laid and David Spade does. Because when you're talking to a hot 23-year-old who just moved here from Indiana and you're talking to her about Jan Michael Vincent and, oh, and Brian Keith. Never act your age. Committed suicide. No, he didn't. Now, I think he did. Yeah. Now, we'll look up that one too. I think also Marcus Welby. World's greatest athlete. Yes, he was the one, World's greatest athlete. Jan Michael Vincent was. Yeah, so you got Kurt Russell screwed up because he did all the Disney movies. But not the World's greatest athlete. Or maybe he was in it, but Jan was. Was he in it? Can we find out if he was in it? Brian Keith committed suicide. Geez. You know, there was a great movie, if you ever want to see a great movie. It's sort of forgotten. It's by David Lynch. And I'm not really a David Lynch guy. I don't understand movies that are weird. I'm with you. But he made a movie that was straight out uncomplicated called The Straight Story, based on a guy who drove his lawnmower across the country to see his brother. I remember that. And it was an old guy named Richard Farnsworth. And so Richard Farnsworth played this role, riddled with cancer. But he didn't tell anyone. And he was up for the Academy Award. And if he had told anyone, he would have won the Academy Award, for sure. And I remember seeing him on The Tonight Show, Frail. And anyways, he went out. They called it the stuntman before. And they called the stuntman's death. You take a shotgun, you know, and with your toe you press the gun. Wow. That's all we got. Just so, and you don't want to burden your family. So he told no one in his family. And it was sort of nice. I'd like to be burdened. I mean, I'd like to burden family members. That's what I feel. Well, you know, I have a, I'd actually, maybe I'll go film in Louise with that $4 million Porsche. Oh yeah. Just drive it right into the Grand Canyon. I don't know if you would. That'd be a good way to go. I have the, I have a living will, which is exactly what you're talking about. Like what would you do in case, right? And I had to think about it. And I said, don't pull the plug. Fuck it. Like, like let me live for as long as possible. Cause maybe I'll wake up. I don't fucking know. Maybe I'll be conscious and I can hear you. Yeah. Cause I know if I don't have a living will, everybody will just go, hey, what did you think Norm would want? And they go, I've heard him. He told me he'd want to die. Let's pull that plug and kill him. So we don't have to, you know, so you don't have to be a burden, which means your mother doesn't have to go and, you know, miss her bridge game to touch your hand. You don't want that or stroking your hands. That's not a plain bridge. Norm, what is, I want to tease this. I wouldn't even get one plug. I'd like a series of plugs. If you have one plug and then you get a janitor with one of those big brooms, be sure to hit the plug. I feel like one of my family members would be like, oh man, my phone needs to be charged. And someone else would go, hey, that, that machine's breathing for Adam right now. And they'd go, yeah, but I feel like he's, we got a few minutes before he flat lines. Let me get a quick charge in. And that's what that's the way I would go. And then I always think I'd hear. Oops. You know what I mean? I think I always think I'd be conscious enough to hear for some reason. I want to know. You know, it's a really sad story. I looked at Michael Palin's Facebook page and Terry Jones has dementia. Michael Palin wrote a long article. See, this wouldn't work with a girl either. No, no, no, not this. Bate never brings this stuff up. He's talking about emojis and shit. Hey, Norm, I'll tell you what I would like. I would like to know about what about when Hillary said, I want to find out what you college students think of, of tuition in four emojis or less. Is that what she said? I want you to tell me what a day in the life of Norm MacDonald is. Now hold on, hold on, hold on, I'm teasing here. I don't want the one where you have to go out to Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco, San Francisco, October 7th through the 9th or South Point Casino in Las Vegas, October 21st through the 23rd. I want to know what just an average I'm at home on a Tuesday is. I want to know what time you wake up. I want to know what you watch. I want to know what you eat for breakfast. 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Norm MacDonald, based on a true story, Pulitzer Prize, nominated. Very good book. What is a day in the life for you, Norm? It's sort of, I don't know if it's coincidental. You asked me that because when you write an autobiography, that's where you have to sort of examine your life, which can be a terrifying endeavor. But yeah, I found that my life was very mundane. But I have a, you know, it's true I have a small world. I now live in a community. And I have my mother who lives in the next building. Are you in a condo? Yes. I have a condo and then my mother has a condo. And so she and I have very similar lifestyles. So we're almost like a couple. Really? Yeah. Are you seeing anybody? Yeah, my mom. Your mom? Oh, okay. I should have been inferring that. I'm not seeing anyone romantically because I got my mother. Sure, yeah. No one has a mom. Yeah. I mean, is your mother alive? Yeah, sadly. Oh, good. Oh my God. Come on. I'm a dick. No, you love your mother. She doesn't deserve me. I've heard you talk about your mother. She's alright. I've heard you talk about your mother. But my mother is amazing. And you know people say their mother's a saint, but my mother actually is. She judges no one, which is incredible. She's happy. Do you ever meet people that are super happy? Like she will, without a trace of irony, come back. She never has any irony in her. She just her eyes shine love. But she will come back and she'll go, Norm, I have the most amazing story. The funniest thing happened at the grocery store. I like what happened? She's like, there was a woman in there. She bought like a pineapple and it was $1.49. But last week it was $1.19. That's not a fucking story, you old bag. There's no point. But it made her all happy. I'm like, well I'd trade places with you even though... I'm jealous of the happy people and I'm jealous of these simple people who literally just sort of describe what's happening and then laugh like they'll go, look at that dog. And you'll go, yeah, and they'll go, it's up on its hind legs. And you go, ha ha ha. And you think, I know I'm standing here and I'm watching what it's doing. And it's walking on its hind legs and you go, yes, that's what's happening. My mother reads things while we're driving in a car. She'll go like, Ed's auto shop. Oh, like a sign. It's angering. Yeah, I go, what? What is it? Are you and I don't please take this and it's not even a put down. Are you too smart to be happy? Do you know too much? Are you know what I'm saying? Well, yes. There's a part of you that just knows too much. You've seen too much. You've been around too many people and it's just not to be happy, but I mean to be easily amused. Well, you know, I don't want to do a joke for my act, but do it. Now I do a joke like about retards or dance center. Yeah. The R word about how everybody would feel sorry for them. But yet they're the happiest people in the world. You know, people are like, oh, look at those poor people. They don't understand the horror of life. That's the problem. You know, they'll probably die happy. There's no cure. Yeah. And now that's what I think when I see people with Down syndrome, there's a certain amount of envy that you have. I have it with my dog. Well, dogs. Yeah. I mean, my dog's whole body wags when I come walking through the house and it just couldn't be happier or a dog also can throw up and then just be happy again. You know what I mean? Like if you throw up, you go, I got to lie in bed like something might happen to me. It's a good point. Or you got you see a dog with three legs. He's not. Morning is leg. Well, dogs are their dogged part in the pun because it's like I eat soft shell crab. I get food poisoning and then I decide I'm never eating soft shell crab again. My dog eats a flip flop, throws up and then decides he's got room for another flip flop. Or he eats the digest. Oh, he'll eat that and then he'll eat them. He'll eat the next one flop. What is a flip flop? Oh, shoot. A shoe. A shoe. Sorry. You thought I was going to put him in a nationality. You got a big dog. That's a hundred and 15 pound. Jesus. Black Lab. What is it a Newfoundland? Oh, Black Lab. No, it's a Black Lab. Oh, I love that. He's a sweet ton of dog. All right. So I love a lab. What time do you go to bed at? Now, what time do you wake up in the morning? It depends on when I go to bed, but I go to bed pretty late. I'm guessing. Yeah, because you know what I am. So you're done cuddling with your mom and it's lights out about what time. My mom goes to bed early. So it's back to the unit. But remember, I got to stay up and remember I live in a different place than my mother. So when I hear sleep in a different bed, some of the way I heard, but I may be wrong. Is there gambling? Is there daily gambling going on? Like Norman Bates. No, no, the gambling is done. The gambling done. Yeah, I'm done with gambling. How long has it been? Six weeks. Six weeks. So no more gambling. Well, I don't know. Not for a while. Were you able to quit Cold Turkey or did you have to go to a program? No, no, no. I just quit. But here's my big problem. Very good at selecting certain games. Like for instance, I picked Rory McElroy to win when he was on golf. Right. Probably 150 to one. Right. I don't know what the odds were. Anyways, I have very good picks. So then I'll get an online account. Now I think this is illegal. I'm not sure. But I'll get an online account and put $10,000 in it and try to not spend that much. Right. So then I pick my pick that I really believe in and I have $2,500 and then it comes in. Now I have $12,500. Now I bet on every fucking thing. Right. Now I bet, I don't know, anything about baseball, I'm just betting it. So then eventually of course it's crap. So what is, what is, we've got a guy who's been a hole for millions, but I still want to hear the schedule. Oh yeah. I'm interested in you Norm. No, that's nice. I'm fascinated. I think a lot of people are. I'll tell you a date, moment by moment. All right. Hold on. Jake, 20, Detroit. Hey guys. Norm, just want to say a big, big fan. I saw you last April in Royal Oak and you were amazing. I love Royal Oak. Royal Oak is great. Have you done Royal Oak? Yes. It's outside of Detroit. It's so great. Yeah. Detroit, yeah. You drive through Detroit. It's a lot of fixer uppers. Yeah. Yeah. And then you get to Royal Oak, which is really nice. Beautiful theater. Sorry, Jake. Yes. No, yeah. So my question is, so in an interview with HuffPostLive talking about when you hosted SNL, you said that you had an idea that you're going to just leave and not do the rest of your monologue. That's my idea. You said that someone talked you out of it and I was just wondering who that was that talked you out of it. There was like, there was three writers that I worked. I didn't use any of the writers from Saturday Night Live. Instead, I picked these three genius writers that used to write in Saturday Night Live. So we wrote the whole show and so the writers really hated us anyway. But that was my idea. I was like, yeah, I'll just do the monologue and leave. It's a great idea. And then I thought it would be really good for the show. Yeah, get a ton of press. Huge news. And also, they would have to, on the fly, change sketches and stuff. It would be very exciting. Completely. If Arrow would have to jump in and take my role. Yeah. You know, Shariotary would have to be Bert Reynolds or something. And then I thought, and then one writer said, you know, I explained that to him. He said, well, you're saying like, you're going to do something that's going to be good for SNL and then you're going to, it's going to be really bad for you. And you could be just walking out of show business if you do that. I had this thing that's along the same lines and I think it's groundbreaking. I think it would be interesting. Right. It would force, thanks Jake. It would make it live. Thanks for not seeing me when I was at the Royal Oak out there. Appreciate that. Oh, and you got to come again. Come again. Yeah. Yeah. That's what you said last time. No, actually, you're probably 16 and a half or 17. You were a little young when I was there last. Yeah. But thanks. No, it would force SNL to kind of do what they claim to do in a certain sense, like a lot of improv sketch groups. Like you really have to do it in real time. And I think it would be really exciting. We were totally groundbreaking and I bet it would even work and I bet the audience would even like it once they caught on to it. Yeah, yeah, that was real. I had this idea, Norman. You tell me what you think of this. I love the Sopranos. Right. At a certain point when they weren't going to continue anymore, it was Gandolfini. All the other cast members were like, we'd love to do season 28. Oh, is that right? Oh, yeah. Well, that makes sense, sure. I remember a big pussy going. Yeah, like as I prodded around a little and asked some of the guys when I'd interview them, they'd go, we would kind of like it, but we respect James. We respect James. But you could tell, yeah, they wanted to do another season, you know, just like the guy from Wham wants to get back together, you know, like, just like I want to do a man's show with Jimmy. Like the three guys from Aftermash. Right. Yeah. Harry Potter, Gary Burgoff and Jamie Klinger. They all killed them so far. But now. Yes. This is your idea. This is my idea. I said Ted McGinley, the guy who would show up, the good looking guy who would show up to happy days and. He'd show up to every show at the end. At the end. Yeah. Married with children, even the reboot of the love boat. Yeah. I said, I would watch and I think everyone would watch. We just swap out Gandolfini with McGinley. Right. But we don't alter the scripts or anybody else around them. It's all the exact same dialogue. It's all the exact same thing. They call them the same thing. The wife responds. The kids the same. And they're at the club. They're about to be. It's all exactly the same as if you're just going and doing season 11. It's just Ted McGinley. So it would become a comedy. Well, it'd be a reality. Like you wouldn't. I don't know what it would be, but I would watch it. Absolutely. That's fascinating. You wouldn't play. You wouldn't tell Ted to put on weight or do anything or even dress differently. Yeah. If you used whatever, I can't think of another guy. I had a young Ed Asner or something. Then that idea wouldn't work. No. He'd just be him. But yeah. And he'd be Tony and everything would be exactly the same. That would be. I would definitely. Watch one of season 11. Fascinating experiment. Yes. All right. Somebody. What you still think about it? Dane the life of Norm MacDonald. Bryce, West Hollywood. Hey, how's it going guys? Hey, Bryce. Big fan of both of you. You're my comedy heroes. Thank you. We're mistaken for one another. Yes, often. What do you do? Because I'm mistaken, I just go, yeah. Yeah, I do too. I thought this was the perfect opportunity to call you. Now that you're both in the room together. I got fired about a month ago from a very well-paying gig for doing a Norm McDonald joke. Well, let's hear the joke. Well, I know how much Norm hates this, so I'm going to do the least insulting impression of him as I possibly can. I'm not going to do it. You can do it. You can do the J. Marsh it. I don't care. But basically, I hosted a show at Harry Potter World, which paid about 300 bucks a day. And at the time, I was obsessed with Norm. So my stage manager and I would always just be talking about Norm McDonald backstage. And the problem was on this day, we were having a lot of sound issues that were messing up with the speakers or iPad, which controlled the entire master system. So are you at Universal Studios at this point? Yeah, exactly. Okay. So I'm hosting a show in front of about 3,000 kids all decked out in Harry Potter gear. So I got on stage, I introduced the dancers, they go, please welcome the beautiful ladies at the Boba Tonga Academy of Magic. What character are you supposed to be? That was you, Norm. I'm the host. I'm the host. But are you a elf or something? No, no, no. I'm dressed up as a Hogwarts student. Oh, okay, okay. So it's kind of hard to explain if you've never been there, but essentially it's a stunt and dance show. And I'm just the MC who goes out and introduces the different. We call them gags, but go ahead. So anyway, I switched from the British accent when I go backstage and not knowing that my microphone is still on. And I make a joke that was based on an interview that Norm once had with Barbara Walters on the view. And I said, I looked at my stage manager, not knowing my microphone was on. And I said, Hey, Kyle, you know that that is Harry Potter. Now he murdered a guy in cold blood back in 88 in a Texas bar fight. And then at that moment, you know, it only been like 10 seconds, but that's a long 10 second. If it's going out to an amusement park, they let you go. Well, here's the deal. Because it technically wasn't my fault. It was the sound. Shut your mouth. Yeah. Yeah. They, what they did was I was magically moved from number one on the roster of seven people who hosted the show to number seven at the very next day. And I haven't worked since. Oh, you haven't worked since. I haven't worked since. No, I would feel bad except you did that impression that you said you weren't going to do. No, I thought I was going to do the annoying one. That was the tone down one. Wow. I thought it was pretty toned down, Norm. Well, let's hear the, let's hear the, let's hear the one that would be insulting. Okay. I don't really understand. You know, I don't really understand. You know, I don't really understand. Keep a big mouth and a blood. No, you're right. It is more annoying. Right. It is what people say. Right. With your kind of range. No, people say that. And then the other guy goes, you sound exactly like him. I'm like, what the fuck? We never sound the way that we think we sound, right? No, that's true. That's true. Nothing can hold you down with that kind of range. You think he's going to get it, get working again? You can do everything from norm to super extremely annoying norm. So there's no way you're not going to land on your feet in this town. I should say I never did a joke about, yeah, I know a joke you're referring to. Do, uh, all right. So Norm, you're a joke about just to explain what he was talking about. I went on the view and, and I said that the president or the murderer and just annoying because I really, I really dislike Barbara Walters. The president. Yes. I said the president, the president's a murderer and she's like, you better watch yourself. You know, like I'm in Russia or something. Right. So I'm like, why are you killed? You don't know that? Like I was like, I saw like an idiot that didn't know that everybody didn't know that. But I really dislike Barbara Walters because Barbara Walters, they're like, she's the big, you know, the start of woman and, and all this. But she's the one that started this whole goddamn shit with the Kardashians and you know what I mean about fame being a currency. She's the one. I don't like her for other reasons, which is, and I can say this about many of the ladies who have graced the view stage. Oh, they don't have any discernible talent. Like people look at her and go, she's a pioneer. She carried the torch for those who came. It's like, I've never fucking seen her say anything or do anything other than that. She's a great pioneer. All right. She sits there occasionally cracks herself up at her own super weak and lame joke, but mostly looks concerned and then asks overly obvious questions to whoever she's sitting in front of. Yes. She has tits and alabias, but other than that, I don't see her possessing any particular talent. And as a matter of fact, if she was a dude, she'd never work a fucking day. I mean, she might be writing copy or something. I am. I completely say that on your show. She's not funny at all. She's not even interesting. You'd be thrown off anything if you ever said that outside this show. And I know everyone on the view has been praying for to leave for day one. What about that? Sherry Sheppard? How could you say I didn't know died that dinosaurs lived at the same time as people and then you go, why shouldn't they just fire her? Find Gary. Her view. Find my book. In 50 years, Wally chicks. There's a little, I wrote a little something about the ladies from the view that Gary will look up. Yes, I did the view myself. I always thought you thought they were a hoot. I bet your mom loves the view. Joy Behar always reminded me of my aunt or something. You know, the one who thought she was funny. Yeah. Right. So the, so you norm. But she was, she, when I did Saturday in life, she was in New York City and she would come into the club. She was before the view. And for some reason she was some celebrity that could get a spot and bump people. I don't know what she did. She might have done radio or something. I don't know what she did. Well, as a guy, as a guy like yourself, and I talk about this all the time, like I go, who has made the most with the least and then who's made the least with the most. That's interesting. I got like Drew Carey on my earners list of a guy who's never said anything funny that I'm aware of. The most with the least. And it's made cajillions of dollars. And people can go, oh, why, why are you hating on him? And I'm like, well, wait a minute. Every once in a while they come, every year they come at the list of celebrities who get paid the most, movie stars who don't earn. And then they go, Julia Roberts commands 27 million a picture, yet her films fail at the box office. And everyone's like, why they hating on Julia? And it's like, wait a minute, she's the smartest one in the group. What you don't want to be is the one that gets 80 bucks and the movie makes 200 million bucks. You want to be the one who makes 27 million bucks and the movie makes 11 million. So in a weird way, I'm complimenting Drew Carey. That's what I'm saying. He's able to make hundreds of millions of dollars. Before the TV show, wouldn't you put Jim Belushi in that category? Just an enormous amount of movies. Yes. And money. Yes. He did a couple of movies a year and none of them succeeded and he kept getting movies. TV shows and everything else. So in terms of, and I think he agreed with me, and again, it's not really a put down. It's more like you've made the most and I've never, I don't even know if Drew Carey's not funny. I've just never heard him say anything that was funny while I was around. I remember first seeing Drew Carey in the improv and there was another guy named Brian Haley who also dressed, he was a Marine and he also dressed in a gray suit. But you know, Drew had these big glasses on and I was like, what is that kind of costume act is this? And then he went on stage and I go, this guy from the 50s? What is that? What is his act? I didn't understand. And then all of a sudden boom bang. Right. But you didn't. Carson likes anointing him. Did you laugh? No. But I liked Drew as a person. All right, Gary. This is what Drew does. Have you met Drew? No. Oh. He gets really close to your face. Maybe I've met him. He gets very close to your face and he tells you jokes, like old jokes and laughs at them. I would assume he's a nice guy. He's very nice. Except when you go to his house and there's sex dolls that he has fucked, like sitting on chairs. And you're like, good lord. And you know, he invites you. You're like, no, I don't want to fuck. I know. I saw David Spade talking one up the other day. So this one's only 12 months old. Gary, I say hand the phone or hand the book to Dawson and Dawson will read it. So you don't power through it. Did you read your own audiobook? I had to. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know how to do it. Like I was like, I'm supposed to be an actor? Like if a girl comes up, am I supposed to do a girl's voice? You should have got that kid who got shit can from Universal Studios to do your fuck. No one would know the difference. That would have been funny. All right. Let me tell you first about simply safe. Oh, you ever have that nagging feeling? Why don't they do that impression of you if you admire so similar? People do me. They start with a little Norm McDonald. But then they go into the, see, here's my thing. I have technical expertise in woodworking. But the people who do the impersonation of me don't have technical expertise. You know what I mean? Right. And they don't study it to figure out what. No. They do it as they go, man, plywood, man, man, man, man, man, but they never can finish it off because they don't have the actual expertise in that. Now this is my, I don't know if you've ever heard my take on you and you probably take this as an insult. I don't. I don't mean it as an insult that I, I loved Andy Rooney. Andy Rooney. And right. People would put him down, but then they did a show called 60 Minutes Two and they tried to get hip guys. So they get Charles Groden, PGA. Oh, right, right, right. And they couldn't, these guys couldn't do it. They couldn't do what Andy Rooney did. They couldn't do what Andy Rooney did. And so then I thought, well, Adam could do it. Like two minutes, you know? You have an opinion on every subject. If a subject came up and you, I mean, you're going to sound insulting, but your voice is almost like Andy Rooney. I've heard that. And he was, God bless him. He was a woodworker as well. Oh, was he? Yeah. But he can talk in two minutes. That's really hard to do. And you just have to have one strong opinion. Right. And you could do that and that'd be a fortune. Yeah. Yeah. Here's what the problem would be, Norm. We'd be in like, I'd be going into my seventh one and I'd go into the producer's office and I'd throw down my manuscript that I wrote my page and a half and the guy would look up and he'd go, you can't do the blacks again. You did the last six on black people. No, I look. You can't do seven. No, we're going to start to get. No, you save that for here. Oh, okay. Save it. You save it for here. No, I always, here's my lot in life. I always thought to myself, because you want to make the most and I do all the time. I'd look at Andy Rooney and I'd always go, oh, shit, I could do that. But then I also pause and go, no one would ever ask me to do that. And 200,000. You got to bust open the door, buddy. Don't fucking stay at home like a goddamn reckless. Get to Don Hewitt's office. This is coming from the guy doesn't own a learner's permit. I have a learner's permit, but it fucking ran out. No, 365 days. The show that everyone wants to see is Adam teaches Norm how to drive. Oh, yes. We would. We would crash the internet with that show. Now I'll do it. I'll play. Last year I wouldn't have done it. I'm up for it. Last year I wouldn't have done it. But why not last year? Not no fucking car where you press the, and it shoots up fat. Not in that shit. I was in a fucking car, a Tesla, right, with my friend. I wanted to buy a Tesla. You do a Bert Reynolds impersonation. I know. I know. I know. You're in a Tesla. No, no, but listen, Norm. And the guy that drives the Tesla is an expert driver. So he's shooting through the streets full speed. Not me. You wouldn't. No. But you do that in real life, though. No, I. You do that. I do. And so I get it out of my system. But it does make you sick with fear. Like when you, do you know what I mean? That movement, just the speed? No. It doesn't. Well, in the race car you get belted in with a six way harness. So you feel like you're strapped in like an astronaut so you can't go anywhere. Right. It's a weird feeling of security. It is. You're in a cage. Security? You're in a cage and you're strapped in six ways. How often do you go? Do you go a lot to the... I do about five events a year. Oh, events. But you don't go by yourself just to practice. No, I just go race, do the vintage race. But the... Oh, vintage race. Wow, that sounds cool. It is cool. But here's what I'm saying. So they give you the car? No, I own the car. Oh, okay, I got you. And then... Now, what if you wreck the car? The cars can be insured on the way to the track and on the way home from the track and when it's parked in your garage but not on the track. No. Not on the track. Not on the track. So whatever you destroy... Edward J. Robinson would not... He would not be happy. And so if you crash Paul Newman's four and a half million dollar car on the track, then you got to fix it. That's what I'm saying. Oh, this car belonged to Paul Newman. The four and a half million dollar car. Well, he raced it and won it, Le Mans. And you own it. Well, not yet. I got to pay for it. Holy. It's a long story. I'll tell you what, hold that dog. That's got magic in it because Paul Newman... Norm, I got a bunch of cars I can share with Paul Newman's DNA in it. Really? Yeah. But look, Norm, people say all the time, you and Norm, you and Norm, you and Norm. And I go, yeah, I'd do that. And I go, I'd do the show where I teach Norm how to drive. I put a couple of GoPros in a car. I take it easy. Yeah. I think I said last time, no. No, you said yes. But in a very like, you know, non-unbelievable way. But this year you're saying yes. Yeah, I'm saying yes in a more... Why? Why have you come around? Probably why. Why have I come around? I don't know. Yeah. Why a year ago would have been... Maybe it's Paul Newman. Maybe it was their discussion with Paul Newman. Oh, I race his cars. And how he, you know, he became a... Four-time national champion at age 47. Yeah, I just started late. Yeah. Well, you know what? I'll show you the documentary then you'll be in. I'm damn near 47. Well, yeah. You just went back six years. You'd be 47. All right. I'll tell you what, stifle yourself for one second and then we'll get into this stuff. Simply safe. I have that nagging feeling when you leave the house and then I leave something open. What's going on? Well, now you don't have to worry. You got simply safe. I have simply safe. Dawson has simply safe. Mike August has simply safe. Peel and stick, no drilling, no pulling wires, no long-term lock-in contracts, no big fat commitments, just $14.99 a month, three times less than other companies. Protect your home. Do it the smart way. Use simply safe. You can visit them online. Two I's in there. S-I-M-P-L-I safe. Adam, go to simplysafeadam.com right now. Get free shipping and on your order, you get a free key chain remote. So you can... You can... You can heat the thing up. Arm and disarm. Yeah, sorry. You can arm and disarm and just do it from your key chain just like your car. Boop, boop, easy. 25 bucks worth of key chain remote free, but let's jump on this. Simplysafeadam.com. That's simplysafeadam.com. All right. So Norm MacDonald, the book based on a true story, a memoir, very good. I read it last night. Becomes surreal at times, but very good. And available now on Amazon. You know what to do. Click through our site, bookmark us. So Norm. What would you think of this? You were... I'm going to do a Netflix special. You are? Yeah, I don't like doing specials, but... Oh wait, I didn't... The one thought I just wanted to finish is where I had Drew Carey at the top with the most earning. By my... Well, we got a friend named Josh Gardner who's maybe a little below you. He'd be way... Come on. He'd be way below me. Way below you. Yeah, he would. He would be way below me. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, he's pretty close. But I have... But everyone does a thing where everyone agrees Norm is a genius and a comedic genius. And so the question is, is can we get you out? Can we get you behind the... I've tried these things, you know. I'm not a great collaborator, but I'll tell you this. What would you do in this situation? Because I think it would be much different than what I did. Your agent says, by the way, we did the Netflix special, we got the deal. It's in Boston at the Wilbur Theatre. I'm going to be at the Wilbur Theatre coming up on the October 8th. October 8th at the Wilbur Theatre. Don't miss Adam, right? Yeah. Did that sound good? Yeah. Yeah. So I'm doing it at the Wilbur Theatre, my Netflix special. So my manager told me the other day, he's like, you know, we got the deal, but you got to pay for your own hotel room. So I'm like, that's kind of odd. You know, I got to pay for my own hotel room. And then he said, I got to tell you though, me and a couple of guys are going from here. We got our own deal. We got the hotel room paid for. Your manager told you this. Yeah. Yeah, remember... So what would you do if your manager told you such a thing? Well, I can tell you this. Me and Jimmy had a manager. Yeah. And you still have baby doll. No, no, we still have baby doll. This is Howard from your native land of Canada. Of course, Howard. And I remember once in Gary... Oh yeah, let's not forget Dawson and Joy Behar. But I remember once the Vegas has the whatever hotel with the four seasons above it. Oh yeah. With the four floors above it or the four seasons and then down below is the Ricketts Hotel or whatever it is. No, that's the best hotel in Vegas. Mandalay Bay. Right. The first 22 floors and then the top... That was an incredible one. And we were standing in the lobby and they invited Jimmy and I out to Vegas to host or present at some sort of sports award show or something in 2000 or something. And we were all in the lobby like getting on to the elevator and he said... He said, what floor are you on? I'm like, I'm on 11. Jimmy's on 9. He's like, I'm on 27. And we said, what? He went, I got myself booked into the four seasons and he started laughing and he pushed the button and I just thought, I don't know. Laugh. This feels like a tactical error to me because he's not even supposed to be here. But he'd managed to... And he's laughing? But he didn't pay for it. No, he managed to work it out with the producers of the show that he stayed in the four seasons but that the talent who he represented, who theoretically he's supposed to be looking out for was going to stay at the Ricketts Hotel. He laughed in your face. No, it was... He didn't know what he was doing. It was a little more of that... Proud. That kind of thing where you got the large fries when you only ordered the regular and your buddy got no fries. And was it the kind of thing that you and Jimmy were just in shock and didn't react to? I remember just thinking, why did he tell us that so proudly? Why did he boast about that? A manager would go, I got you guys into the four seasons and I'm... But you didn't get angry or anything at him. No, you know what I did? You just said, when I get to Jimmy's room we'll laugh about it. I did what I do with everything, Norm. I thought to myself, noted. Yeah, right. I understand. I'll just go ahead and put that in the hopper and we'll see if we've revisited again at some other point. I have a very complicated relationship with Howard Lapidus. I'll bet. It's so strange but anyways, I don't know if I want to. I'll say it. This is what happened. All right. I had to fire him at one point. Yeah, yeah. Everybody does. He went crazy when I fired him. He was pacing around the room. I knew it. I knew it. It's like a paranoid stuff. It was unnerving for me because it took me so long to gather it, muster up the courage to even fire him. Anyways, I meet him years later and he's talking to me and this other person. He goes, you know, I've been fired by a lot of people but Norm's the only guy that I fired. I shouldn't be telling this but I said, so I go, yeah. Because I don't know. That's why. If you want to, remember that way, that's better for me. I don't feel guilty. Right. But now I just told this. That's all right. Yeah. I think he did. Maybe he did fire me. I'm still friends with him. I don't care. No, I have to. He fired me. He fired me. I have my section on the view from 50 Years Will All Be Chicks. My book, not Pulitzer Prize nominated by the way. I know I'm a guy so I'm supposed to hate the view but I don't hate the view because I have a dick. I hate the view because I have a brain. The view is going on what feels like it's 35th season. It has numerous Emmy nominations and even an Emmy win and it's a disjointed, scattered piece of shit that's hosted by some of the least compelling, most untalented people that have graced a television set. If this show consisted of five guys sitting around talking over each other with the occasional hackneyed joke, awkwardly shoehorned into the meaningless conversation, it would have been yanked off the air years ago. You see at 10 in the morning, all the smart people are at work. That leaves the views audience. Barbara Walters is about as interesting and funny as the one old teacher you had in junior high. I know everyone treats her like some kind of national treasure but she's clearly passed her prime. And no one at that show would dare utter a word. It's about the same relationship Saddam Hussein shares with his coworkers. When she finally decides to hang up her dentures and call it a career, there will be a silent celebration akin to what the guards did after the wicked witch got the bucket of water tossed on her. On her last show, the lavalier mics will be recording a lot of, we'll miss you, we'll stay in touch, we don't know how we'll carry on without you. But the internal monologues will skew a little more toward, have fun on the greyhound bus to hell bitch. Sherry Shepard is dumb. She's read one book and it's the Bible. She's not haha funny, she's more, we need a fat chick who's not funny funny. Elizabeth Heselbach gets a pass. She's already being punished on a daily basis. Could you imagine if your lot in life was to be wedged between Barbara Walters and Sherry Shepard, she's the lunch meat between a stale piece of sourdough and the dumbest slab of pumpernickel to ever hit the day old bin at the bakery. Whoopie Goldberg. What happened to the unstoppable force of comedy that had us doubled over with spun gold such as burglar, jumpin jack flash and eddy, an Emmy for the view and an Oscar for ghost. She deserves those as much as Elvis deserved his black belt in Taekwondo. Joy Behar, she's the funny one. That's like saying Marwan Allshecky was the funniest of the 9-11 hijackers. Wow. So that made my opinion. Holy, Lord. I think I made myself pretty clear on my feeling of the vows from the view. I wonder if they know of that or anyone from the view. I always assume no because they have something they're thick. Many people Google themselves and all that and somebody tells them, good Lord. Was any of that inaccurate? No, no. It was awesome. It's gotten even worse since because they have that strange girl from the Cosby show. Maybe you should read my book. I love that. I love that. I took the time to read it. Goddamn, that was great. I'll get you a copy before you head out. You've written two books. I've written four books. Four books? Yeah. Wow. Damn. I have to get them out quick. So what is your schedule? You can speak well. Give me your schedule. Give me your schedule. Because a book should be as if it was spoken. I agree. So that was perfect. My schedule, oh yes, my daily schedule. Yes. So I wake up. Around what time? 10 or 11. Okay. I'll get you some of that. And you know, I have to eat. Sure. What do you have? Count Chocula. What is that funny? It's just cereal. It's one of the most famous cereals in the world. Right. For people under seven. Why? What? What do you eat? Oh, you eat like... What do you eat? Really? Count Chocula. Yeah. Okay. Count Chocula. Keep going. I hate Frankenbeer. It was one of the most disappointing. That's huge. And Boo Berries. Oh, worse than New Coke. Do you know the conspiracy theory about New Coke? No. It's fascinating. Okay. I'll do it very quickly. So this is the theory that I believe happened. And I don't believe in conspiracy theories, but I believe in this one. So, because I loved Coke. So Coke vanishes. They change it to New Coke and it tastes horrible. You don't go, what the fuck is this? It doesn't taste anything like Coke. It tastes like Pepsi. Right. So and people that love Coke hate Pepsi. So you drink that. So that lasted six months, maybe longer. And then they brought back Coke classic, right? So now they have Coke classic and New Coke. And you drink the Coke classic, tastes so much better than the New Coke that you don't remember what the old Coke tasted like because it took six months. And what do you think they did in that six months? They replaced cane sugar with corn syrup. Brilliant. Brilliant. And then only when I tasted it. Interesting. It's only my theory. Well, that's a pretty good one. When I tasted the Mexican Coke, that's when I came up with the theory. I go, wait, that's the drink. Because you can tell the difference. Yeah. That's the drink I drank as a kid. As soon as I drank that Mexican Coke, I was like, those motherfuckers. So that's a very interesting theory. I'm down with it. You like that one? Yeah, and everyone says you can go to Mexico and get the cane sugar run. So, all right. Can't chalk you up. I saw conspiracy theories. I saw the real time of Bill Maher. What do you do? You've never been invited on that show? I've done it once. I think, yes. It must be fun to just, I've never done it, but when you have to sit there while he does the new rules, he does a bunch of string of jokes. Right, you have to laugh. But anyways, I saw in there, you know, they'll put, so if I'm on the show, maybe they put Normie down a comedian or Normie down SNL. You can choose what you want the chiron to say. So Richard Belzer was on it. I was like, Richard Belzer, conspiracy theorist. So I'm like, what? Every, you believe in it. You don't believe in anything? Right. You think everything's a theory? Right. And so he just wrote a book about, as if anybody wants to read about Kennedy anymore. I think him and Ed Asner and other guys like that, it should just read instead of like activist or conspiracy theorist, it should just go, hates the United States. Because that brings it into focus a little more to me, because it's not the conspiracy part, it's that they just fucking hate the United States. Right. Well, if they believe 9-11 is an inside job. Yes. And Ed Asner does. What the fuck are you still doing in the United States? I would agree with you. You're in the worst fucking place ever. All the conspiracy theories are never flattering to the United States. That's true. Yeah, you're right. Ever. It's not like, oh. You didn't land on the moon. Yeah, yeah. The conspiracy theory is never like, oh, the Miele massacre never happened. It's not that. Right. Right. But they say 138 villagers, or at least a thousand. That's that. There's never a flattering. You're right. There's no conspiracy theory of any country, but especially the United States, it ends up being anything close to flattering to the government or the United States. There's none of that. And also when you say that, I don't know if it exists in other countries. No, I agree. I can Thailand. Yeah. Who stole that bamboo? No, I don't know. I don't think they do in like Thailand. But when you start really breaking down the Belzers and the Azzners, you just sort of realize the theme is we hate the United States, not that all this stuff happened and we're being naive. Right. But then they always say. My God, the United States was so good to them in your chart. You know, super rich with marginal talent. Yeah. I'd say, yeah, I'd say doing pretty good. I mean, Dennis always told me, oh man, he was the best, you know, Richard Bells. But you know, there's tape, video tape I can see from Batman, you know. Yeah. The timing thing. Yeah, I agree. So who, so then now we're eating Count Chocula. Oh, yeah. So I eat some Count Chocula, which I don't know why that's so ridiculous. And then I, you know, I watch the. Well, can I say this about Count Chocula or any serials of that? Well, I feel like there's a window. Yeah. The window is age four to age 11. What? Hold on. And then it opens up again at 81. You see what I'm saying? But I promise is you're kind of in between right now. Because you see an old guy eating, eating fruit loops or Count Chocula. It's kind of cute. You know what I'm saying? And a young kid, it's excusable. What do you think most people eat for breakfast? Adults? Yeah. What do you think they eat? Eggs, you know, other four to a half cereal. Eggs. That's what you eat when you're a child. You eat eggs when you're a child. Right. But I mean, I think some people might have like a protein shake or smoothie or something. I'm talking about it. You changed it from eggs. Well, no, I'm with eggs. No, I mean to pivot off the egg thing. So the, all right. So whatever I eat, it doesn't matter. It's Count Chocula. Now it's noon. It's something in my belly. Yeah. And it's noon. I've been on it for about five minutes to eat. Okay. I eat at, you know, I just eat like standing up. And then I watch TV. What do you watch? Whatever's on. View. You know, you were talking about who's at home, you know, during these shows. I have noticed that more and more the judges on the judge shows are all black. Interesting. And the game show hosts are black during the day. Like they have who wants to be a millionaire. It's hosted by a black guy. Right. Steve Harvey, right? Yeah. A lot of black judges. A lot of black judges. And it didn't used to be that way. So it's interesting. Yeah. So if you think there's a high unemployment rate amongst a certain group, that would be a good group to be represented on TV. Yes. And it's not his fault. No, no, you can't judge. You can't blame anyone for being unemployed. But it is interesting. Yeah. So I watched some of that stuff and then I, oh, wait a minute. Hold on one second. Oh, Mike's from New Orleans. Oh, Mike. Hold on a second. He's from New Orleans and he's unemployed. So maybe we found the black guys watching the judge show. Mike, how are you doing? Are you black? No, sir. What are you doing unemployed? Norm wants the enough. Oh, no, I got you. I never said that. I heard what you said. I used to work in the oil field. That's why. Oh, okay. Yeah. So you got a question. Oh, yeah. So you work in the oil field, you make a whole bunch of money and then you're off for a while. Right. Yeah. So I'm traveling, you know, but it's time to go back to work. And so my question is something that I would want to do is what I have an interest in is writing. Yeah. But I don't live in LA or New York or anything. I live in South Louisiana. So if I don't, you know, teach Jimmy Kimmel boxing or something like that. Yeah, that's how I got Mike. Don't have it in the show business. Yeah. What do you want to know? Do you have some jokes, Mike? Are they jokes like, like monologue jokes? No, I'm talking about right for a show or a comic or something like that. Yeah, no, no, but write a spec script. What's your favorite sitcom? Oh, let's see. That's good. No, don't write a spec script. You don't know any sitcoms. But do you think you'd write monologue jokes for Jimmy Kimmel? Well, or any? Yes. And maybe movies, too. Movies. Okay. Well, throw out a current. Okay. Well, as it's Saturday Night Live, I don't know how it works nowadays, but any jokes I would get sent, I would always read all of them. And sometimes there's a good joke. And you don't get much. You don't get like 50 bucks a joke. But if you, you know, if you get a few on the air, all of a sudden you'll get hired. I don't know how it works. Yeah, that's all I know. Yeah, that's kind of what my question is. How does it work now with social media? Or I mean, someone like Adam might be innovated with that kind of stuff. No, I don't get a lot of jokes. I wish I did. But there are people that from social media have been hired from tweets and stuff. Sure, sure. I know that. So Mike, do that because I'm trying to get to what Norm eats for brunch. Okay. And sugar smacks, I think. Yes. Your fan club on Facebook says hi and they want to know where my Ace Award for last year. Oh, you got it. You got, are you talking to Norm? I'm talking to you. All right. Why would I have an Ace Award? I don't know. Hey, an Ace Award. My awards. Sorry. Oh, what are you? Because they didn't, they're not the cable ace. There used to be the cable ace award. I know. And he said it. I was like, of course the question is to you then when you said that you're talking to Norm, I said maybe it's the cable ace award. So, so now. So that's why you called the Ace Award. Norm, I want to make a, I want to make a, yeah. After the old time cable ace. Yeah. No, they call me Ace. I know they call you Ace. Let me, let me make you this pitch. Double meaning to. I always, I always feel this. Yeah. I feel like learning to drive. Yeah. Would be not only freedom for you. Yeah. But a metaphor for your life. Uh huh. A transition. Do you know what I'm saying? No. I feel like. I mean, you gotta say what the metaphor is. Oh, and it's symbolically important to say I, Norm McDonald own a California driver's license. I'm taking the wheel of my life. I'm taking control of my life. Yes. Okay. You know what I'm saying? And I'm enlarging my world. Yeah. And I think that's a show. It would get 2 million views on YouTube. If you and I just put some go-pros in a car. If I learned to drive, struck a pedestrian, killed him. Well, then what? It's even higher ratings. Oh my God. I don't mean during the show. Oh, I see. Later on. You read that in the paper. How would I feel personally? Yeah. You wouldn't care. I'd have to check the nationality of the pedestrian obviously and the sex naturally. But after that, I'd probably feel some remorse depending on what I found. Oh my God. It's lawless in this room. It is. All right. So now it's about noon. And then you got to be careful about what you say because you can say anything. I don't think I can. You can say anything. I don't think I'm protected like you. You're stand up. You can do what you want. So what now? You have yourself some count shock. Yeah. Then I was going to say I do my exercise for the day. Which is what? Putting. I have a putting green. In your house? I don't know. I'm a mansion. No, outside. Oh, outside. It's like a community. Community putting green. Yeah. Right. And then I get very mad because... Do you go to the market to buy count chocula? I get it ordered. I really should go because it's so close to me. But I get it ordered in. And the only problem with getting it ordered in is the tomatoes. My mother makes me tomato on... Now you're going to say my mother. Police. She makes me tomato on rye. That's a sandwich? Oh, it's so good. Like it's not a sandwich because there's only one piece of toast. Open faced. You take toast, then you put two pieces of tomato on it, then you put salt and then you put pepper. Oh my God. It's almost like a pizza. Yeah. But better. Yeah, they have things called pizzas. They'll actually bring you home for nominal fee. You should look into that. Listen, man, I like a pizza. So then I putt. Okay. You putt? A pizza. A pizza. A pizza. And then I go back to my house and then I watch more TV. What do you watch now? I just watch random stuff. Now, I'm not being honest. What I do is I watch YouTube. I'm addicted to YouTube. As I think a lot of people are a problem. Because you know how you watch YouTube and then there's a string of things on the side that look interesting. So you hit that one, then you hit another one and then it's midnight all of a sudden. So I think that's a problem in America. Yeah, well the problem with the YouTube thing, it'll be like, the titles say like, desecration of synagogues worldwide, but it'll be a chick with a D cup bursting out of her blouse. And it'll be part of me that goes, I'd like to know more about her, but I'm not sure if I want to see the desecration of a synagogue. So I'm kind of torn. But also I worry about, you know, because they say the NSA and the people look at you. My computer, because I don't look at porn or anything, but I YouTube a lot of Hitler, you know. And then there's one, there's some Hitler stuff where you have to hit another button. An extra Hitler button. Yeah, like it's so horrific, you know, like a Holocaust or something. It's like you have to hit another one, say I'm 18, I can see this horror. But you don't look at porn. No, I watched it for a while and you know what happened, I got desensitized, as they say. Did you ever get desensitized? You know, I'm careful to not desensitize myself to things that would be called vices. So you watch them in moderation? Yeah, I'm sort of, I have a relationship with booze, with cigarettes, with porn. Cigarettes? You can control? Two at night. But in the middle of the night. Not during the daytime. That's great. Well, yeah, because I enjoy it. A few people could do that. I know, no doctor ever believes me, but my thing is like I enjoy it. And I realize if I wake up in the morning and light a cigarette, I have to quit. Because you'll smoke all day? Just because it'll now be a problem and you'll need to quit smoking. But if you go home, you work all day, you go home, you have a nice hotball, a counter-chocula and play ball with the kids and everything and help them do their homework. And then at a certain point at the end of the night when the kids go to bed and it's time to pour yourself a scotch, then you go out in the patio and enjoy cigarette, you don't have to quit. Well, when you're going to your den, oh, you don't want the smoke to be around your kids. I was talking about beating off, but yeah. Beat off on the patio is what I'm saying. It was a metaphor, remember? So that's very good that you're in moderation and then you never got desensitized, which is excellent because I got insanely desensitized and then I couldn't, I can't watch it anymore. With the porn. Yeah, it's all right. And also it's so misogynistic, you know. Yeah. The titles, like you were saying about desecration, the titles are always like dirty fucking horror, likes to be fucking like dirty ass. And you're like, whoa, that's not the film I just watched. Like, it didn't seem to be her idea at all. I also find, and then there's just a futon and a bright light and you're like, how did they get her in here? A little too much spit going on for my taste. Why is, yeah. I don't know why. And you know, this new generation is crazy. It's getting sad. They like choking. Yeah, they're choking. Yeah. Now I thought this was supposed to be a feminist time. Like why would they want to be humiliated like that by men? Well, whenever things go too far one way, they swing back hard the other way. You know what I mean? So now we have safe spaces and cage fighting going on simultaneously. Yeah, yeah, you're right. It's my theory about grunge. It's grunge. It's all the stupid hair bands with all the mascara and the aqua net sprayed on their head. Gave birth to Kurt Cobain and a tanner flannel shirt. Right, right. Because we swung too far this way, we needed to go back the other way. That's how we are as human beings. Sure, sure. These are real. So what's gonna follow, for instance, the feminism of comedy? Well, tell me about that. Well, I mean, every, I think women have pretty well taken over comedy, haven't they? Well, I think we enjoy celebrating women comedians probably more than we enjoy celebrating male comedians because it feels like progress. Right, right. So, because. Like Tina Fey is too big to fail. Yeah, well, although she's, I think of her as legitimately funny. Yeah, she's funny, yeah. But I also feel like. But she brought in, she ushered in a generation of. Not as funny. Yeah. Well, I've gotten in trouble in the past for talking about this. Oh, that's right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, because I was giving a choice. Oh, you were? Who's funny or men or women? So I just said men. Oh. Because I don't like when people do the I really couldn't say, because I know a lot of funny guys. But then they didn't put the question in. Not really that way. It was more like Adam said women weren't funny. Now, I went on to say that Cathy Griffin and I remember Silverman and I know plenty of, I said, you know, Cathy Griffin and Sarah Silverman would have been funnier than any guy in my high school. Right. But they kind of left that part off. So that's the way. But even Hitchens said it, right? He's supposed to be super smart. Well, there's a, there is a kind of biological mandate. Right. Which is if David Spade's trying to get his dick wet. Yeah. It's not incumbent on the 22 year old blonde to make him laugh. We're going with full circle here Norm. But if he wants to bang the 20 year old, he's got to make somebody laugh. Right. So just biologically you're saying. It helps. There's a little bit of a mandate. So why would the women have such a mandate? Yeah. Unless it's just a professional. Pardon the pun. I'm going to become a comedian. I really think that's a new thing. I'm going to become a comedian even. That's a new thing I think. Right. That in the old days it's just people go, what, you want to do what? You know, they thought you were crazy. Well, also kind of in the old days we would decide if you became a comedian by whether we laughed or not. You didn't get to just decide, true Carrie. But it is force of will, you know what I mean? Like that's what accounts for your list. I think. Yeah. Is ambition and. My ranking of you not. Wouldn't it be? Well, there's work ethic. Yeah. There's work ethic certainly. And that would not propel the mediocre to. Yeah. If you're not mediocre, but middling. I learned what mediocre meant. But what I'm saying is is you who have a love of chocolate flavored cereal and putting probably not the hamster wheel of show business. Well, I'm saying is you probably could have made a little more money in your career. Oh, yeah. It is. If you played by the rules. Yeah. And it had a little more of a motor. Well, even a driver's license. I had a motor vehicle. You know, I when I've had a project I've worked very hard. But. Yeah. I'm a bad collaborator. I'll tell you that. And when I look back. You are bad collaborator. I should have just done that. You know, I should have just said. Why are you a bad collaborator? I don't because the. Because the way the industry works in let's say a sitcom. And I never dreamed of being a sitcom anyway. But you know, like the director will tell you to do it one way. And you go, right. I want to do seems pretty hacky that way. I had this one. I had a director tell me once he goes, trust me, do it my way. I've seen it work a thousand times. Right. That's the problem. Right. And so. So I just pretend not to understand and just do it my way every time. He goes, no, I think we do the different way. I go, I did. No, no, do it my way. I go, OK, I'll do it this time. And finally, he would get exhausted. But don't you feel like you and I could collaborate on something? Well, I was just thinking of that, actually, because I was looking at you and I was like, well, if everybody thinks we were similar or whatever, we could play brothers. Yeah. Right. Because we even though we people think, but we're actually very different. Yes. Even though we're the same. So that would be like brothers. But maybe we could collaborate on Adam teaches Norm to drive. It's just to start. Just to start. Yeah. So people could see the chemistry. I'm a good teacher, Norm. No, I trust you. And I think. OK, when do you want to do it? We could start. We could get on the calendar for later this year. OK. Come by your place. What would it take you? You finish off your furry pebbles. Come on. You come down to the car. The car's loaded up with GoPros. And we just go around the block a few times. Well, now, wait a second. When are the GoPros going to obstruct my view of? No. My blind spot? I would never push you. At first. You know about the blind spot? You have a blind spot? Everybody does. You have to fucking look behind you. I don't even know why they have mirrors. Oh, no. Listen, I do these race cars. You get strapped in like an astronaut. You use all mirrors. You can't even turn your head. Really? Oh, yeah. And why I saw a cannonball run. Yeah. And fucking Bert Reynolds is so cool, right? He's like, I don't care what's behind me. He fucking breaks off the fucking mirror. Yeah. Rear view mirrors. That was in Bert Reynolds. I know who was. How do you remember? I was the Italian guy driving the Ferrari Daytona. Damn it. You can pull that shit away with some of the Cal Spades, fuck. That's not going to work on me. You're absolutely right. He's driving a Daytona spider. And he says, and eitherly, what's behind us? Doesn't matter. He breaks the mirror off and throws it behind him. I believe you know that. Jesus, Norv. Who are you hanging around with? All right. Oh, fraud. Hold your. Yeah, you can figure it out, Gary. It's probably about two thirds of the way into cannonball run. It's the guy driving the Ferrari Daytona, probably a 71 Daytona. And it's a spider convertible. And he's explaining that in Italy what's behind him. He's the only guy that's not a star in the movie. Yeah. So you wouldn't know his name. But you wouldn't know. I knew it wasn't Bert Reynolds. I didn't think you wouldn't know that. It was a valiant try. And it would have worked with almost anyone else on the planet. Possibly even Bert Reynolds. But not this, Andre. All right. You answer your phone. What is that? Not my phone. Oh, it is in my pocket. Sorry, guys. I'll tell you guys about DraftKings. DraftKings, you could step out. No, just step out. But one minute. 80 seconds. 80 seconds. DraftKings. Where was I? DraftKings.com. Ah, you don't need to come in first place to get the cash. No. There's a player finished 800th in Week 1's biggest fantasy football contest and took home $100. Gary, how are we hanging? Doing pretty well. I beat up a little bit on Brian this week, which I was gratified about. And Kailin was doing surprisingly well for someone who doesn't really play sports that much. But Brian's back in it next week. We got a whole new draft coming up. That's a beauty of DraftKings. It can happen. This week, DraftKings is hosting another huge fantasy contest with over $1 million in total prizes up for grabs. DraftKings, the destination for one week fantasy football, no season long commitments. Play whenever you want. Play with the players you want. It's DraftKings, man. It's a great experience. It's DraftKings. Dawson. Don't wait. Get to DraftKings.com now and choose your players for this weekend's contest. Enter promo code Adam and play for free with your first deposit. That's promo code Adam. Play for free for your share of over $1 million in total prizes this weekend only at DraftKings.com. DraftKings.com. Heligibility restrictions may apply. See website for details. Gary, do you have that scene from Cannonball Run? We think we do. OK. Is he driving at Daytona? I think so. All right. Let's take a look. And now, my friend, the first rule of Italian drive. A verbal Daytona. What's behind me is not important. That's it. He's somebody. Wait, that was in the Gumball rally. Oh, no, that was the next show. And I think that was a kiss of the spider woman guy. And who died. Who died way before his time. This guy, you're talking about the guy. Yeah. That's with the rear of your mirror. Yeah. Kiss of the spider woman. Yes, he became famous after this. All we know right now is that it's definitely not. No, I know. That's all we know. But I think you're right. He's like doing a cheap like Italian accent. And later he became like a great actor. Yeah. Yeah. And then. And who was with him? Was later he died way too soon. We had his name written down here, Gary, a second ago. I was guessing Joe Pintoliano. No, no, I don't know. No, he this guy was a became a hardcore famous actor. It was starting kisses spider woman. I think that'll that'll help. Raul Julia. Oh, that was Raul Julia. Raul Julia. That was him. Wow. He must have died at like 53 or something. Like he died a while ago, but it was early. It was young and sort of sort of suddenly we'll figure out his thing. Roseanne had a talk show once and Joe Panleone was the guest. And so she's introducing him. She goes, you know this. I don't know. He has a whole bunch of credits. But she goes, you know this. Our next guest, a great actor, you know him from this and this and this. Please welcome Joe Panleone. She Joe Panleone comes out. Roseanne goes, I know him. She knew the guy. Raul Julia died 94, but I don't know how old he was. That was a terrible hacky performance, right? And then he became a fantastic famous actor. And then he unexpectedly died. Oh, Norm before I hadn't said Raul Julia rather than Bert Reynolds. Yeah, we wouldn't have gone down. Then you wouldn't have. You would have gone. No. So you just watch YouTube. I like YouTube a lot. And you know, I watch, I end up watching the same thing that I've already seen on YouTube because I. And you tweet a lot. Yeah, sometimes I get obsessed a little bit with tweet. This is what happened one time. I called a game, you know. And then the next time. Like a football game or something sports related. Because I would make predictions, you know. And then I called a game from the viewpoint of me and my point spread and so forth. So then the next time there was a game or something, I would look at my notifications and people go, Hey, I met my mother-in-law. I was like eating a tomato. You know, and I can't see the game. You know, I'd love to see the game. You know, so this poor goddamn cuckold, you know, he couldn't watch the game. Right. So I say, well, I'll be a man for you, you son of a bitch. You hadn't pecked bastard. Right. And I'll tell you what happened. You just had to sneak a peek over there. It's where if your wife doesn't hit you with a cane or some sort of a sap bag, handbag, with a buzzy. Yeah, it should be a lot of purse related assault. Norm, I wouldn't be doing my job as a journalist. Well, I will do it. I'm not lying. And a pot-carter. If somebody tweeted me a few months ago and said that Norm fired his agent because he was going to go play the Kennedy Center and open up for Adam Kroeler or some version of that. That was not true. People were tweeting me that and they thought and they kept saying, are you angry? And I always go, no, because I like Norm and I have no idea what he's talking about. This is what happened. And first of all, I didn't fire my agent for that reason. But the journalist was there when I was talking to my agent. And what they did was they my agent phoned me and made it seem like because it wasn't very much money. And my agent said, but it's the Kennedy Center. You know, like it's a huge, prestigious event. Right. So I was like, OK, I took it. You know, people will see me. And then I looked it up on the computer and there was a whole bunch of comedians, you know, like a whole week of comedians. And I wasn't opening for you. I was going on one show and then you were going on the next show. So I said, well, this is a comedy festival or something. Right. And I'm not making any money. I don't want to do this. Yeah. So it wasn't I wasn't never opening for you to have an opening act. I don't know. I the same thing happens. They go, you're playing the prestigious Kennedy Center and you're picturing up in the crowd. You're picturing like Hillary Clinton and Angela toasting you from up on stage. You'll be able to tell me what actually was. Well, I didn't make the gig. I didn't do the game either. No, but then what they tell you later is they go, oh, I didn't do the game. Why didn't you race to do? Oh, so you blew off the game, too. I found out if Norm's not doing it. Fuck that. And then I look like I'm, you know, that's why I don't listen to anybody. But the point is, is I literally I. Yes, you find out it's a comedy bonanza and probably like a tertiary room in the Kennedy Center. You know, I'm sure it's not the main no room where I would have played one of those 20 award to no, Tina Fey would be like Harry Belafonte is up there with a ribbon around his neck. No, it'd be like I'm playing the pavilion behind the place next to the ballet. Like outdoor. That's what I was assuming. Yeah. How many does it hold? I don't know how many folding chairs do we have? That would be the answer to the capacity. The fire marshal wouldn't care because there was no walls. Wasn't that funny? You didn't even do the show now. And then, you know, and then I look like I'm slandering you. I felt so bad about it when I read it. And I'm like, well, I didn't. It looks like I'm quitting because, you know, the idea of opening for first of all, I would open for you. I would open for me, too. If it paid enough. I mean, you I know what. Listen, I used to go in the south and I would do the guy in front of me would go. He'd be a big fat guy. He'd destroy I'd go on. They would yell at me and hate me. So the second night, every time the owner go, how about you and the fat guy? Switch. I go, same money. You go, yeah, fine. Switch. That's it. Makes a perfect sense. Listen, I don't think what people. I love opening. People don't really realize and and I think I speak for norm here, whether it's the if the Kennedy Center is paying 10 grand and, you know, chief Wampum's Knucklebusters is in northern California is paying 15 grand. We'll just go there. Yes, of course. And get the paycheck. Yes. And at our age, are we really suddenly going to have some prestige is going to be no no no. We'll always be bums. Yes, we're the bums of comedy. But when we go down when we unite, bums of comedy together in the fight, don't we do that? The bums of comedy. I'll do it. Who else can we get? Artie Lang. Yeah. All right. You open for me and Artie. Sure, I'd open. Absolutely. I mean, I talked to Dennis Miller. I said, because Dennis, you know, there's a guy with a bullet proof act. And he says he does his old act, you know, which was just a killer joke, killer, killer, killer, killer, and he opens for O'Reilly. So I'm like, how on earth does O'Reilly follow you? And he says O'Reilly just goes out and ties and wanders around the stage talk. Everybody loves him. And then if you get like the premium thing, you get to meet them. You get a little extra. You get a lot more like a book sign. So it's 50. But that is 200 if you want to meet them. It's a huge difference. But then a guy was telling me because, you know, I've done things. I'm sure you've done things where you just have to stand there and a whole bunch of people come and you take a picture and then they leave. That's what they do. I thought they'd be, you know, have a half hour to talk to them and stuff. No, no, just picture. Get out next. Yeah. No, it's like so I do that. I don't get that. Yeah. No, I did a show with Dennis and it was kind of the same thing. I said, all open for you. I'll do a half hour. You do a half hour and then we'll both come out together and do like a Q&A. And he said, you do 28 minutes and I'll do 20 minutes. And I was like, all right. I didn't know the difference between a half hour and 28 minutes was. But I said, fine. He said 28 minutes. He literally got it that tight. Yeah. Wow. I don't know if he was just rubbing a little stink on me or he was really keeping it to 28. But either way, I said, screw it. Now, how was your, your, you kind of did a, like, I guess you got the idea for more Riley and Miller, but you did the Dennis Prager thing, right? Yeah, I did. How did that work? Dennis Prager. Dennis Prager and I just kind of go out together and do sort of an evening with and I do. At the same time? Yeah. Oh. And I do the comedy part. Me and Drew used to do it. So I saw you, Dr. Drew, and you? All over the country all the time. Oh, you did? Yeah. You did live performances, you and Dr. Drew? All, every college campus that you've ever even heard of. I didn't know that. Oh, when we're on MTV, we have 3,000 people every time and we just go out there and do it every time. And so instead of sexual questions, it would be political questions. Or anything? With Dennis Prager. Yeah. Yeah. Real smart, you. Yeah, yeah. So he would answer and you would just sit there and boom, you'd throw in the jokes. Yeah, but I can get a little philosophy in every once in a while. Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. No, you're smarter than everybody. Not everyone, nothing you know. No, believe me, I just pretend. No, you are smarter. I just, I live smarter, but you're smarter. I don't think I'm smarter. I listen to you. Okay. I tell people, I go, this guy has an opinion on everything. When I did stand up, I said, that's, that was my goal. To have an opinion on every single, or a comedic take, I should say, on every single thing. Then I would go out in the audience. I always thought and I would just talk to the audience and everything they said, I would have something to say about it. Right. You know what I mean? So I have, I have quite a bit of, you know, I haven't done like 10 million specials. So I have many, many hours of material. So I have a lot, but I don't think I have as much as you. Like when I heard you were doing stand up, I saw you at Largo long time ago. I think you were just starting. But you were kind of trying to act like a comedian. You know what I mean? And I'm sure now you're, you're way better. But I always thought, why doesn't he just talk to the audience and anybody that brings up anything, Adam would be able to riff on that. I think what I did at Largo, I did, I did Doug. No, you were just starting because he told me. I did Doug Benson's show. What the smoke in the weed thing? No, that's something else. Pretty soon, Doug's next show is going to be you come over and wash Doug's car. That's going to be the next you do show. Doug Benson show. I didn't realize. I think it's an interruption. He had the show, he had the movie. Super Jaime. So I, and he had the show, the television show, I mean the computer show where he smokes weed with the people. So I assumed that he would be very good at holding his weed. Then I see the show, he's like a fucking glassy eyed and like the worst advertisement for weed ever. I thought this guy, you know, and they're like, just saying unfunny things and it just, you know, he's kind of got a lazy eye too, which doesn't help. Yeah, you think, great guy. Nice fellow. Nice fellow. Good people. Nice guy. All right, he's got the guy, he's got the 50 year old who eats Count Chocula in the morning. Robert Smoggle told me. Passing judgment. Regis filled and he came up with the, him or Dana, one of the two came up with the Regis impression and they said to the key to the Regis impression was Regis would be playing to a morning show audience, much old ladies. So his shtick would be getting angry, you know, but then he would have to tell the audience that he wasn't really angry because he was afraid they'd taken seriously. So he go like, anyways, Bernadette Peters is in the back room and I have my donut with sprinkles. And I always eat my donut with sprinkles and I come in and it's gone and they said, Bernadette Peters ate your donut with sprinkles. Anyway, she's a wonderful lady and she's not broad, right? Speaking of, uh, wonderful and, uh, shows, uh, Doug Benson and me are actually going to be, he's going to come out to a live podcast. Oh, he's a great guy. That will be the real, really nice guy theater. That's a live podcast, October 8th, October 7th, Foxwood's casino with the DFG, the deaf frat guy. Oh, really? They'll come out and say hi. At Foxwood's? At Foxwood's. Yeah, he lives, he can get there, I guess. A Hanna-heim and live shows everywhere. He lives in a place that celebrities live. Oh, really? Yeah, I thought he lived just in, you know, May, I don't, I think he's rich. I think maybe it's just father-in-law. Doesn't he dress like a, like a guy that had money? You know what I mean? If you grew up with money, you dress differently. Yeah, but that's an old, that's an old thing. Now Mark Cuban wears flip flops and poor guys. Well, no, that's true. Fake jewelry. All right, and Norm's got a book. Who do you think won that debate, by the way? I think Hillary won out of, she was perfect. She looked a little warm. Trump was sort of all over the road. I think Trump probably scored in the, okay, I guess he's not an insane person. Right, yeah. Department, but Hillary seemed to be on point. It really. I loved it, and he was almost like a child because he said like, that's not nice, like nice is so weird a word. Well. Because that's not nice. And I have something to say. Norm, you. And then you could tell he was thinking that he might say. Yeah, he might. Well, you and I, you know what I felt like, and hold on with this show, I think for a second, but just one second. Yeah. You and I, I think, both have been guilty of this and it's happened before. By the way, this is going to sound retarded, but I don't even know if Donald Trump would be a bad president. I don't either, but I do know, I do know this. We don't like to rehearse that much. Okay. But now. And we feel like we can go out there and get it done without the repetition. Oh, absolutely. And we all know there's nothing worse than the mock trial or the mock debate or the, we put mock in front of it or the repetition or the rehearsal. Although he sucks. So you and I feel like we got enough in the tank that we can go out there, take the microphone and keep things going for 90 minutes. Trump would think that too. That's what Trump thinks. Oh, okay. Right. Right. Now the problem is, is Trump is not Norm MacDonald. Trump, and the reality is, is Norm MacDonald pulls it off eight out of 10 times, but there's probably those two times where you wish where the fat guy went on after you or before you where you kind of wish maybe you had worked it out a little bit better. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I've had that experience myself. I feel like Trump, now Hillary feels like, like the Wes Welker of politicians. Like I am slow. I am short. I have, I have no vertical. And what I need to do is run these routes over and over and over again and become the best possession receiver. So she's probably spent the last month doing mock debates, going over every scenario, having an answer ready for every possible question and scenario, whereas Trump went, yeah, I'm me. I'll get on by my feet. It'll start flowing. If I rehearse too much, it'll look gross. And I don't feel, I don't feel like rehearsing. So I'll just go over there. I'll eat some Kentucky Fried Chicken and I'll just go up there and I'll wing it. And during the debate, it kind of, with the, with the chicken reference, it kind of did feel like, all right, Trump, nobody wants teleprompter and stilted and everything, but a couple of dry runs would have helped the cause. Did you notice that it's a debate with two people on the same stage and the whole thing is split screen? Why would you think that? That's weird. They didn't, they didn't pull it. They didn't pull it back. I figured it out because of the whole corn syrup cane sugar thing. Height. Ah, we made her the same height as interesting. So that's unfair. Not another conspiracy, not even a conspiracy theory. I mean, they have two people on the same stage and it's a split, an odd split screen. And the audience certainly seemed partisan. I never hear Hillary Clinton getting laughs and Donald Trump getting none. Well, he got a couple, he got a little rouse at the beginning, but other than that, and it was weird because he was at the end of the thing, he was going to yell, your husband's a rapist. He stifled himself. Oh man. He was like, I guess I'll wait for the second. I'll wait for the second one. Because if his numbers drop, watch out. Based on a true story memoir, Pulitzer Prize nominated. No, that works. Cobb's comedy club in San Francisco coming up October 7th through the ninth and then the television. So I apologize in Las Vegas as well. Me live shows everywhere and we got a cruise coming up and it's all the good stuff. Just go to adamcorolla.com and you can find out everything until next time. Bums of comedy. The bums of comedy. Adam teaches Norm how to drive. It's all good. Until next time, it's Adam Crawl from Norm McDonald's saying Mahala. All right. Those Adam Crawl show 1913 with Norm McDonald. Come up next. We have Adam Crawl show 1935 featuring Adam Ray, Gina Grad and Brian Bishop also from 2016. Good day, Gina. Good day to you. Handball Brian. Come on, bald. Yeah. Yeah. Adam Ray coming in. We love Adam Ray. God, I feel like I raised him from a little comedian pup and now I see him taking over the universe. So always a good guy. Always funny. Always brings it. And we'll look forward to that. We'll do a little jujitsu. That's the one where your parents or whomever really can be whoever takes your personal momentum and uses it against you. Right. I will give some examples. This the story for me that I remember is jujitsu because I'm defensive to call it jujitsu. It's accurate. Okay. The the the art. I have to ask the question. Everyone's asked. There's other there's sports like kickboxing and stuff, but that's not using the other your foes. Momentum. Yes, it's using that person's aggression or it's actually forward momentum to fell them to fell them. Right. My family as I as I say all the time, you know, to be to be fair to them, which I rarely am, nobody ever said I was going to be a failure. That would be a calorie burner. Right. You know, I mean, nobody stood up on the sofa to make the proclamation. You're a loser. They were defying you. It was more just like assumed. I'm going to go out and do this. Yeah. Okay. Why are you telling us? Like it was a lot of that. But so there wasn't a lot of jujitsu with my family because my family didn't really my grandmother, you know, she was I she may have converted when she married my Jewish grandfather, but she had a little energy, but the rest of them didn't talk, you know, so they weren't going to be able to use the jujitsu. But my my grandfather, he got a couple of good jabs in. He would. Yeah. And he had the ones the one silent ninja jujitsu he used on me once is all that guy did was watch Hollywood Squares. He loved Hollywood Squares and he'd always talk about how clever Paul Lynn was and everyone else was. He didn't know that the questions were provided in advance and written by other people and stuff. He just loved it, you know, just face value. Big Paul Lynn then. And more of a fan of the man's lifestyle, I think. But his words were humorous as well. So what we found so at some point, I did the Hollywood Squares like the modern day version of Hollywood Squares at some point like it Bruce Valanche instead of Paul Lynn. Right. OK. Right. Like whoopee was a center square or something. And I did it and I remember thinking, well, this is one I can lay on the old man because Love Line, MTV, Buh Buh Buh Man Show, whatever. I saw a lot of comedy central. That doesn't sound like a network to me. But this was a network and this was a perennial. It was a show he knew. So many people are so dismissive. I think people are more open to things now because everyone invented something. You know, all somebody says to you is this guy. Well, who's this guy? I never heard of this guy. You don't know this guy? He invented Dick Book and he sold it to Nabisco and he made $27 billion before his 14th birthday. Unbelievable. Dude, I totally had the idea for Dick before that guy. I do think about it. You're thinking about it's like you go, oh, OK. Wow. Wow. That's incredible. That's incredible. But you don't go, I never heard of that. Get it out of here. But that's what people used to do. Well, that's what my family did with cable TV. But I did go in and tell my grandfather once like, hey, you know what? I just did a week on Hollywood Squares and he was like, OK. That's like. You weren't the center square. You didn't maybe didn't hear me. I heard you. And I thought, wow, it's going to be tough to move this needle because you can you only imagine that's a show we both sat together watching when I was 12. And now I was on the revamped version of it. But yeah. So he's the guy who told me when I told him at some point that I was making a lot of money in Hollywood back in the later 90s. And at the time I made about 550 grand, I think for the year. And then he said, I said, I'm making good money. And he didn't know anything. He didn't know what the hell I mean. My family is such weird, low self esteem that they probably thought I was paying K rock to do a nightly show or something. Like they don't have no idea about anything. So I had to say I was making a lot of money and he just paused and he just said, are you making a million dollars a year? And I said, no, not. He said, oh, OK. And a discussion. But then the next year I made over a million bucks. And when I told him about it a year later, I said, remember last year? Yeah. Why don't you want to know about a million bucks? Yeah. Well, this year over a million bucks. And he just just paused and went money doesn't buy happiness. Oh my god. Stop. The Jiu Jitsu. What's wrong with my family? All right. But anyway, I like those kinds of stories. And it is Jiu Jitsu because I don't think there's there's a little bit of an Asian version. And and there's there's not a Hispanic version of this. OK. I do not believe there's a black version of this, mostly because there's not a male in the house. But there's not a black version. I don't think the black version of this is jumping up and down and celebrating and chilling some champagne. I just feel like you you go to a black family and you tell them I'm rich and there's some there's something going down. The exceptions are pretty rare. I know you've seen the movie Trophy Kids about the you know the overbearing parents, you know, all that stuff. The one the black dad who wanted his kid to be a football player and nothing was ever good enough. And he was like, you know, you know, they feel a little bit of Jiu Jitsu there, but not not to the level you're talking. But that's just out of use. But that's also an outlier situation. Every single guy in the NFL is he grew up. His mom worked three jobs. His auntie raised him. And when they got the keys to found out he bought her a new house and a Cadillac. And then I cut over to the section and the stands where they're all sitting. And it's it's it's extended family all wearing the jersey. All wearing the jersey. Some personalized. Right. Yeah. My family would do the same thing. It'd just be the other team's jersey. Hey man, we're with Kaepernick. All right. So the Jiu Jitsu again has to just be taking the personal momentum and then go ahead and throw me on your back. Having you tap out. All right. Adam Ray's a Jiu. So maybe we'll get something out of him. You guys tell me now I I frightened somebody on the freeway today. But someone in your car. You. Son of your. I do miss that. I used to shuttle my dad around a lot and I do miss him using the carpet on the passenger side as a break pantomime and breaking trying to break as as I apex the corner. Yes, I missed that. The one part about the old guy. I miss carting him around. I miss him using his foot. He never you never would say anything. I could just see his. You see it. I see his foot pushing against the imaginary break that doesn't exist in my car, at least on that side. Oh, speaking of cars, Castro baby. Castro ledge today, smaller engines under a lot of pressure. Got a thin layer of oil. It's the only thing between metal on metal contact. Castro edge made with liquid titanium technology three times stronger, three times. Three times, fool. Three times, fool against viscosity breakdown than the leading full synthetic Castro edge, titanium strong for maximum engine performance. So make your next change. Castro change. And if you're going to be down at SEMA and you're down there on Wednesday, November 2nd, come say hi. We're doing a live car cast there. 10 a.m. our racing buddy, Tanner Fouse, going to be with us and we'll have fun and it'll be good. You come up, you introduce yourself. You tell me what a big fan you are. We take a picture and then I dispatch you to get me a beer. It's awesome. It's a symbiotic relationship. Symbiotic. That's right. What an honor. You get to mule back a beer for your hero. So it's 10 a.m. That's November 2nd. SEMA floor will be at the Castro booth. And then as I said, I'm going to be in the Castro dunk tank. I'm going to get in my underpants. You have to guess the viscosity when you're dunked. Once I get off, once I get out of the tank. Once I get dunked, we're going to tuck $100 bill into my shorts and I'm going to run along the floor of SEMA. And the first guy catch me and can get that $100 out of $100 bucks out of my shorts. It's going to be $100 richer. Out of pops is head about a thing. Spits a little stream of 10 w 40. That's right. That's right. All right. So any tell me if I'm a bad person or not. I was. I don't like I think in life as it pertains to the government or the city or what the nation. I really don't mind the parts that just sort of come with the territory. They're going to be skirmishes throughout the world. We're going to need to get involved every once in a while. Some Hitler type guys going to pop up. We're going to have to lose a few of our bravest on a Higgins craft, you know, storming a beach. And then there's the stuff where hey, the terrorists hit the tower and now we got to rebuild and our tornado blows through Texas and we got to rebuild. I obsess over the stupidity in the waist. The acts of God stuff like hey, there's a tsunami or level whatever storm blew in in total New Orleans or something like okay, that's okay. Now we see how prepared we are and we come in and we fix and we get the Army Corps of Engineers and whatever it is. It's the super simple stupid stuff. I was pulling, I was driving in here today and there was the freeway just backed up, just come to a stop and eventually I found out in my lane, which was I think one over from the far right lane of the big five lane highway was the I swear to you as I passed the full-sized Mercedes SUV and a Prius. I could not detect damage done to the front of the Mercedes or the rear of the Prius. Woman in the Mercedes like 30 year old blonde door open standing and the standing out in the middle of the freeway and I looked up at the freeway sign, which just sort of coincidentally was the next one about a hundred feet behind it and it was just blank. And I just thought when can we get this message and I do what I always do and I hope you guys all do, as I leaned on the horn as I pass them because it's like, hey ass wipes get the fuck out of the highway. There's nothing going on here. You, you felt a bump. Do yourselves a favor. Yeah. Your car is driving by you. You're driving Mercedes, you're driving a tank that's made in Germany. It's a fucking Panzer division. Let's just pull off. Please, you're going to get your white, your blonde, your rich, you're driving a Mercedes, you're 32 years old. This is how you're going to die. By the way, I've mixed feelings about that at this point, but get the fuck off the side of the freeway and or cops show up. I swear to God on the way home yesterday, I passed a chicken shit chippy. That's right. You fucking pussies. Guy was hiding. It's one thing when they kind of sit like on the overpass or where they just sit next to the freeway on ramp. This motherfucker had taken his cruiser and backed it in between the two wall, the two freeway barriers. They, we put the cinder block up there out here in California. It goes up about 12, 14 feet and there's little breaks sometimes and those breaks are only like 10, 12 feet wide. He stopped on the shoulder and then backed it up. Super safe by the way. Super safe because that's what you want. When people are coming in your direction at 67, you want to be going the opposite direction, just inches away. Hey, and fuck you by the way. What if somebody did hit you and lost their life in the name of you handing out another chicken shit fucking ticket, you pussies? Yes, people are driving. I don't know. One of my wife was driving and Natalia started throwing up in the back seat and she momentarily turned her head and then clipped your pussy ass because you were tucking your fucking self in between these two things. Or what if when you were tucked in between it, an 18 wheeler blew out and rolled into and knocked the whole wall over on you. But tucked in. Nobody's speeding anyway. It was four in the afternoon. Everyone's going average 39 miles an hour, but just tucked in. Just hiding, laying in wait. Just laying in wait. And it's and Gary, you can go to my favorite tweets, but somebody tweeted me that says, with all this chicken shit stuff out there, people are drivers are staring at the speedo too much. I stare at the speedo and I stare in my rear view constantly. I constantly stare in my rear view mirror. It's just what you want out of your motorist. Constantly staring in the rear view looking for your chicken shit pussies out there. Who by the way, are dispatched in the name of safety? Blow me fucking pussies. And not to mention people who are looking at ways to look where cops have been reported like that. They can report cops on your route. I have two things. How many people are distracted by that? I either have my radar detector going off in front of me or I'm staring into my fucking rear view mirror looking for these pussies. But what does this read? This is a strict speed enforcement could have a detrimental impact on road safety because drivers are dedicating more attention to monitoring their speed than detecting hazards. That's what a study found. Listen, I'm just saying it's Los Angeles. We get raped in taxes. It's traffic everywhere all the time. Could we just fucking dial down the insane enforcement of speed on the off chance that we do get up to speed, which is very rare. And then secondly, fucking Garcetti. Could you fucking wake up and tell these people to put something on a freeway sign to make a difference other than clicking her ticket? You have people standing in the middle of fucking freeway. They're standing there because you're too fucking stupid and too arrogant and too, I don't give a shit, about this to ever do anything about it. Put it on the sign, say there's a $300 fine and it will be enforced. It's such an easy fix. Such an easy fix. You do it with everything. It's like anyone caught in the diamond lane, that's $540. I mean, it's always done. You get caught doing this, you get caught. How about you get caught standing in the middle of the fucking freeway? Yeah. And it's indicative of what they really, they being, you know, the city, what they really want done because when they wanted us to water less, they got the word out. There were mailers. Oh, yeah. They were public. They got everyone new about the watering issue. Like, don't water your lawns as much. Just select certain days, but whatever it was. If they really wanted to solve this problem, this could be solved in, I would say less than a month. Well, everyone would be, would be there. And by the way, safety, safety, safety, safety, safety, safety, safety. Is it all about safety? Because what the fuck does the diamond lane have to do with safety? What the fuck does the kingpin taxpayer platinum club, Ace Man, making up a little time, driving out to God knows where to do catch a contractor and spilling into the diamond lane and driving at speed? What's that got to do with safety? So if I got my son in the car with me, it's safe, but if I'm alone, it's unsafe and you want 540 bucks. No, that's a cash grab. This, what we're speaking about actually does have something to do with safety. Yes. Can we please do it? Lives can be lost quite easily. God, could you fucking dicks wake up for the love of fucking Christ? And look, fuck you. If it's game on, it's game on. I drive through reds. I drive through arrows. I drive around. Just do it. Just fuck it. They made it. It's Armageddon. Go ahead. They drew Fistblood. That's right. That is right. From Portland, ironically. Oh, there you go. That's where Rambo was walking through. Yeah. Go ahead, Doug. 47, sorry. Yeah, Adam. Thanks for taking my call. I just wanted to let you know that I got a ticket for turning left on a red arrow. I've been following your advice for 10 years, been blowing through and I finally got a ticket. Showed up in the mail about 10 days after I did it. In the mail. Yeah. You can get pulled over. I was going to say, you'll never get pulled over. You'll never. You'll never get pulled over because you look in your rear view and if you don't see a cop, then you turn left. That's the only angle they can ever get you from. But the cameras, they will get you with. Another tweet somebody sent me was, oh, over here in Baton Rouge, we do a whole thing where the arrow turns to yellow and it just blinks. And it's like, of course you do. Of course. Why wouldn't we think of this? We don't care. We don't make any money of it. We don't make any money of it. All right. So here's how stupid we are. Here's how dumb we are. Hold on a second, Doug. So this guy tweeted me this thing and he said over here in Nebraska. Somewhere better. Somewhere better. All the arrows, the left turn arrows, when they're done being green, they just flicker yellow and that just means turn when you want to turn, turn when it's safe to turn. Like you do at every intersection. I started thinking, oh, that's great. And then I thought, we need that here. And then I think, oh, wait a minute. We would have to retrofit every single arrow we've put up. Think about that. Where such pomp are, the governing body of California, especially Los Angeles, has such fucking vitriol for its taxpayers that no one ever floated this idea. No one ever thought of this. We would have to retrofit at, and I'm sure some astronomical cost, price, every single red arrow that has popped up in the last decade and we've gone up 10,000 fold in the last decade. So we're talking thousands of arrows at a cost of thousands per intersection would have to be retrofitted. Nope, because who the fuck could see this coming? I would drive through Culver City at 1230 at night, leaving Love Line and it'd be right in the middle of Culver, was it Culver? Culver in Washington. It was really intersected. Culver's the straightest, longest boulevard or Washington. No, I'm going to say yes and this was a ghost town. This is before there was anything going on. People outside of the area. That's like a cool area now. It was a complete ghost town. It was literally dangerous to sit there on a Wednesday night or Sunday night at 1230 night sitting there and you could look and you'd see the fucking Earth's curvature and it was like nobody's coming in. It was red. And that was 1999. And I remember thinking, well, this is a bad idea. This is a bad idea. We shouldn't put any more of these in. Well, we put in 55,000 more of these and now at some point, if Garcetti gets his fucking thumb out of his ass, he could think to retrofit these things. Remember traffic number one big issue? The whole freeway locked down because some cunt got out of her fucking SUV and was standing around looking at zero damage. But do we blame her? I do. But do we really blame her? No, because the word, you know, why? Because people think it's illegal to drive away. Exactly. The hit and run issue, which is another huge issue, a branch off that tree. Right. We think if you get, make contact with another car, you stop right there, you photograph, you exchange fluids, you do a chalk outline, you do everything. Biggy spots. It's quite, yes. It's quite, well, transmission differential coolants. I don't know where your heads at, people. What I'm saying is this, we actually think it's the opposite. It's not even a coin toss. It's, I don't want to pull away. We had, we made contact. We must stay here until CHP. Maybe get the puss that's hiding behind the center block wall to come out of his cubby hole. Make it the officer, officer pussy over there. Officer pussy lips can come out of his fucking cubby hole and come take a little look see, because we got a real problem now. But you should show up and you should issue those guys a citation. It's, it's, it's dangerous. You should get the word out and fucking move the cars. Put it up on the sign. Jesus goddamn Christ. Gary, I've tried to talk to this city's transportation czar or whatever every year for 13 years and they don't want to talk. And they don't want to talk like a coach doesn't want to do an interview after being demolished in the Super Bowl. 50 years in a row. No one wants to go to the Losers locker room. 50 years in a row. Yes. They, they've just hang their head. Yeah. Them and the ad council. Those are the two pussies that never want to talk to me, because all they can do is fucking hang their head in shame while I tear them 10 new assholes. This might be worth Googling Gary. It's an election year. Do you have any idea if anyone's running for like transportation commission or, or something that we could like get them on the phone and maybe boost their chances? You know, if you're on, if you're on board. Yeah, I like that up. There's a beanbag chair and a stump. It's just a stump and a beanbag chair. So you're gonna have to vote for one. Beanbag chair is more mobile. We need, there's two party systems killing us. Yeah. Doesn't like the stump. I like the stump. I was gonna, I was gonna write in a napping hunting dog, but you guys go ahead. Vote your conscience. Yeah. Vote your conscience on this one. Not this year. Not this year. Hey, Doug, who is the person who's who, who give me the name of the, of the retarded, Hitler war scientist who's currently in charge of Los Angeles and the traffic and let me fucking shout out that retard's name from the fucking mountain top. Fucking idiot. All right, Doug. Sorry. Yes, sir. Let's not pay that ticket. Well, I'm going to go to court and try to explain that most of the stop lights in the area, blink yellow. This one just happened to be red and it photo, you know, took my picture right through. By the way, in terms of precedent, you know, satin X, a gargoyle is long enough. There is a kind of muscle memory thing where if you're, you know, the intersection before it, in the intersection before that all had the blinker and you were used to using that, you can make some sort of argument that normally you use that one. Then it's the city's inconsistency. Yes. Yes, sir. I explained that to a former police officer and her response was, look, it's a red arrow. You can't go through it. And the story you're going to lose. All right, well, go fight it. Fight it and fuck them anyway. Because sometimes the cop doesn't show up. I don't know if there's going to be a cop that was a picture. All right. Well, yeah. The pole will show. Yeah. Maybe the camera. Shut up. John Fasana, chair of LA Metro, also city council member from a Duarte. John, could you please get off your fucking, what I'm assuming is a huge ass and do something about this. Please get the message out. You know how, John, you know, you pretend you're into safety. Good. Get off your fucking fat ass and do something with these signals and get the fucking message out on top of the goddamn freeways. Could you, John Fasana fucking lazy sack of shit. Jesus Christ, do your fucking job. You fucking slug. Really? Is this one that hard to fucking freeway signs and everyone standing in the middle of the freeway and all you got, John is clicking her ticket. You sack of shit. Get busy. Jesus Christ, could you at least fucking pretend to care? At least pretend, John Fasana. Corolla's excited. Just pretend like you carry a fucking loser sack of shit who couldn't make it in the private fucking sector if you tried. Obviously this shit would never work in the private sector. We'd fucking sack your ass in a second because you're fucking in effect. You're about as fucking worthless as a limp dick, John. So get fucking busy. Put the sign up, you fucking retard. I really hope Gary got the right guy. It would be nice. Oh, wait a minute. He's LA City Chaplain. Jesus Christ. This is awkward. All right. Send him a fruit basket. All right, Doug. Just fine. It's just everyone find it. Look, here's the way I'm looking at it. I'm looking at it as it's the city against the citizens. I got a fucking, I drive through every red arrow. I have a radar detector. I do nothing but fight everything. I got a fucking ticket. I got a parking ticket the other day. I fucking threw it away. Just fuck it. It's fucking game on. It's like arm again. They started it. We'll finish it. Fine. All right. All right. So get hold of John Fasana's office and tell him to get off his fucking ass and put this up on the goddamn freeway sign. You want to give out his email? Yeah, go ahead. Well, let's make sure it's the right guy. You got to. He's the chair of LA Metro. He's the chairperson. All right. I have identified that correctly. Okay. What I would like expressed is we got the message on click it or ticket. We understand there are things called seatbelts and that it's illegal for us to drive without them. This would be a big get to get August on this. These coward pussies never show up to anything. Especially stuff that all they do is fuck up. We got to do a live remote from the town hall. Fasana, F-A-S-A-N-A-J-A-T-A-X-S, Duarte. Duarte.com. Send him an email. You don't not have to be as rude as I just was and just tell him you want these goddamn freeway signs and you want to explain to people like they if it. Oh, sorry. Like an awareness campaign. Yes. In other cities. Other cities if it moves. The steers are clear. The steers are clear. How about that? How about we just rip off? How about we take whatever they do in Montana? We just go if it's steers or clears and we'll do in Spanish as well because let's be honest. See. All right. Thanks, John. Thanks for the help. Thanks, Doug. Fight the man. Fuck all these guys. And look, people, what are you talking shit about? But they don't serve us. They're not serving us. I want them to start serving us. And as I say all the time, oh, yeah. Second story on the 405. I get it. That's a big public's works thing. That's expensive. Freeway sign. Evidentially. Is it over there? It's just sitting there. You type in what you want. All you guys got is clicking her ticket. Oh, and report drunk drivers. And the vast majority of the time it says nothing. As it said today when the 30-year-old blonde chick was standing out in the middle of the freeway. OK, John. Do I have to think of this shit? Put it on this goddamn sign. All right. Where were we? Ah. Simply safe. I'm almost sweaty. Simply safe. 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I'm just now realizing how many of our ads advertise three times better or three times more. Three times is up a lot. Yeah. Sorry, I'm a little late on that because I'm I take the for a little exposed wiring for the listeners. When you do reads, I oftentimes edit a drop that I'll get during the show. So I have the headphones switched and then I'll also like, three times. Three times full. All right. Adam Ray is coming this way. So here you should be here any minute. It's a new car in the driveway. Let me go look. New car in the driveway. All right. Hold on, Gary. You don't look. Just he'll he'll walk in when he walks in. I'm sure. I can tell you about a little controversy that was brewing over at Prager U. Tweeted about this quite often. You have been. Yeah. I've seen the tweets. Yeah. You two pulled down the videos or something or restricted them or something like that. Yeah. They put them under a restricted flag. I don't know a lot about it. I can't help you. I feel like. Go ahead. So people on on Google can and on YouTube can flag things as being objectionable for a variety of reasons. And then YouTube has an algorithm where if that happens enough or if YouTube determines that they're sexual or inappropriate content, it goes on what's called a restricted list. Now anyone who has filtering turned on on their YouTube account like basically anyone with a kid or people who have computers at work. If you search for certain Prager U videos like Adams, even by name, it will not come up. You cannot find it. But there's there's nothing sexually explicit about Dennis Prager. I cannot explain this part. Well, this part. This part is troll. So Dennis is he doesn't drink. He doesn't cuss. He didn't smoke. God damn it. Left his cigarettes at the bar. It's an old joke. He said he's a devout Jew. He's he's the straightest shooting guy I've ever met my life and all and all his all his videos. They're all made by like ex clergy or generals or Harvard professors. There you go. No bells includes dozens of professors among universities, including MIT Notre Dame Princeton, Dayton, Boston College, Stanford, UCLA, Harvard, West Point, a black member of the South African Parliament, comedian Adam Corolla and Yachov Spirinov. All the great in descending order to former prime ministers. OK, so what it is is some guy comes on. He's a he's a historian and he explains why it was necessary to drop the two atomic bombs. Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Well, the groups that troll on the Internet decide they do not want to hear this, not message. They don't want to hear this truth. They don't want the fucking truth to interrupt what's going on in their head because they're beating a step. They're beating a drum of how bad America is and we never end up. We never stopped doing that. And his his things are uplifting and they're pro United States usually. But it's pro United States not pulling statistics out of my ass. It's here's what really happened and they don't want to hear it. You know, like if he'll say more black people have come to this country voluntarily than came here via slavery. Well, that's a truth. But if you tell it to certain groups, that's hate speak. It's also counterintuitive like though the video specific you play on the show before about no, it was actually in the long run a good thing that we dropped those bombs. That is, you know, in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. That's counterintuitive. It's like how can it be possibly good to kill millions? Well, if you look at the big picture, it kind of benefited into the war sooner, that kind of thing. It's counterintuitive. You don't think of it that way. Well, that's what they're meant to do. They're meant to get you to think. But there's a lot of people that don't agree with the truth or they don't like the truth because they're feelings based. They feel. They feel bad. They feel bad that we dropped bombs on innocent people. Both can be true. It was a horrific thing. And if it helped, it helped, but it was also horrific. We it's too. You're allowed to have two different thoughts in your head. Well, not these people. It's just there's innocent people and they're killed and that's that's that. Now they don't do the math on how many more innocent people will be killed when we have to take the mainland. But that's not their world. The world is not based in facts. It's based in feelings. So then they put on their Superman cape and they go online and they check the boxes that would get the things flagged for profanity, nudity, whatever, whatever they have. Gary, I don't even know what those boxes are, but they hit those boxes and then they get them pulled down as the algorithm kicks in. Enough people do that and it's going to automatically you do it. Fly. It's. Oh, aren't. OK. Aren't those people that live and let live people? You'd think. Aren't they the hey if Susie identifies as Sam, then there should be a fourth bathroom for he, she, and them and nobody should ever be able to judge about anyone else's feelings or thoughts or whatever. Let everyone live their truth. Isn't that just dirt and that that damn. All right, sexual content, no violent repulsive content, no hateful abuse of content. They feel like the looks of you when you were doing yours. Child abuse, spam or misleading, you know. Oh, there we go. In fringes on my rights. In fringes on their on your right. How's it you too, but you're in front on your right. It shouldn't even be a choice. It shouldn't be. That shouldn't be. When you hover over the little question mark there, it says privacy, copyright or other legal complaints. Oh, OK. So I am. OK. This is my video. Oh, I see. OK. Someone else is profiting. That makes sense. OK. That makes sense. Now we're back at least for now. And breathing oxygen again. So now we'd like to undo this because it's insane. And it's insane that people have time to do this. Also, me getting flagged, all I said, all mine was, was who not to vote for. That's the person who says, I'm going to take care of you. I didn't even pick a side, although it ends up leaning one way or the other. If you watch the Republicans and Democrats give speeches, you'll hear what side it leans to. But really, you're taking offense to don't vote for the person that says they're going to bail you out of all your life's problems. That was with no. And look, I have a horrible potty mouth, as you may have heard. But this is Prager. This is not. There's nothing to it. You're bridled. You're restrained. Yeah, man. You're subdued. I got a restrictor playing on. That video, the one that you did, was very insightful, really informative, funny. So I shared it a couple of times. And boy, did that light off a firestorm of threat on my Facebook page of just craziness. And I thought, what about this video is doing that? It was actually really interesting and formative. It wasn't in cendiary. You know, it was me with my personal belief, which I happen to know is a truth, which is, if you're putting all your eggs in whoever's basket, it was Obama before, it'll be Hillary today, or it'll be Trump tomorrow, do not do that. It will not serve you. It will not serve your family. It will not serve your community. You focus on vote for whoever you want. But then when the election's over, get back to work. Do not plan on them doing whatever it is they said they were going to do for you. That's it. It's had 7 million views and a second tell, 8 million. Thank you. And I haven't. I've not, I've not got any negative feedback on it, but evidently somebody doesn't like it. I'm guessing it's somebody who thinks that the politician should do more for you or who supports the side who claims they're going to do the most and that's that. Now, I'm all right with the disagreement part, the part where you're trolling around. This is the part that I, I'm having difficulty with, especially it is, it's how inconsistent it is. It's how duplicitous it is. It's the part, it's hypocritical. This part where you do nothing but tell everyone just to live their own life and don't judge and support all opinions and all varieties and all everything, all, all ethnicities, all religions, all we're supposed to support everything. Not if there's a guy who believes it's okay that we drop the atomic bomb, then he doesn't get to have a voice and we need to take his voice down. Isn't it interesting how that swung sort of from one political party to the other? It used to be, you know, the liberals fight in the man in free speech and now it's not so fast. Not so free. Yeah, not so free. Well, I mean, yeah, just go back to the black list and the whole McCarthy thing and all that was, was, you know, these guys trying to end the careers of guys who were, who are affiliated with a, a, a, a political. An ideology. An ideology and a political movement, which by the way, I do actually think is dangerous. Like I don't like that. I, I, I would not want to live under that regime, but it still doesn't give you the right to destroy a guy's career. Sure. Because you're going to be meeting. I saw Trumbo. You don't destroy a guy's career because he went to an, he went to a meeting that talked about almost any political ideology or any political ideology. So that was the left. It was a big deal back in the day that the right was trying to end guys' careers who were doing that. And now we're trying to end guys' careers who say something, have an opinion or do whatever. And you, of all people, should be aware of this. That's why Ruben, Dave Ruben, who you've been on his show and he was on the show, talks about the regressive left as opposed to the progressive left. It's weird. And a lot of it is, I think it's this thing of like, I must somehow protect everybody from everything. But nobody needs to be protected from the truth. And nobody needs to be protected from opinions. That's all. All right. So you can go, they have a petition to, I don't know why, now they have to petition them to get it back up. Shouldn't YouTube just review it and make a decision? Like, oh, this is not hate speech. This is clearly. Zero tolerance, Brian. Yeah. I mean, I disagree with it, but it's just an opinion. They have to petition them to get back on. But again, now you have the Wall Street Journal writing an article on this. So nice job, people who are trying to derail PragerU, we're talking about it. And so is the Wall Street Journal. You've got more attention to it. There's about 75,000 signatures. So I think we could bump that up significantly. You just go to prageru.com. And if you scroll down a little bit, there's a big button on the right hand side that says, sign the petition. All right. Let's do that. Let's get that John Fasana guy. Let's get him out. Let's get him out of that office. What a range. What a range. Mm-hmm. Stamps.com. Ah, hit them. And then we'll bring Adam Ryan. Feels like there's none of hours in the day. Yeah. And you're sitting in traffic. Not going anywhere. Yeah. The post office, man. Who the hell wants to go to the post office, man? Smells weird in the post office. Out of range, got that weird tile floor where the wood grain has been worn off it. And now it's just beige, but it's along the traffic area. Creeps me out. Stamps.com, buying print, official US postage. Any letter, package, whatever you want. Do it right from your computer instantly. As fast as you need it. You get the discounts. You don't get it at the post office. We use it here. You should use it there. I got a special offer right now, baby. My listeners use my name, Adam. We got the four week trial. $110 bonus offer and the digital scale. This thing, we had one for a while. I didn't go check it out. And then we finally hooked it up. And it goes up to 80 pounds. And we all were way off when it came to how much to send this mug or how much to send this book. You can't figure it out. You're going to go too high. You're going to waste money. You're going to go too low. You're going to get the return to sender. Go to stamps.com right now before you do anything. Click on the microphone top of the homepage. Type in Adam. That is stamps.com. Enter Adam. Oh, right. Adam Ray is here. The 24 hour war, man. Check out the trailer at my website. You can pre-order at chassis.com. That's C-H-A-S-S-Y. You guys have been pouring in with the pre-orders, which is really sweet of you. Because I know it's kind of a tough sell on a VOD pre-order, even a blue ray or DVDs. It's sweet. I appreciate it. We've got the money from flying out the driveway to turn around. Big shift of time. Big shift of time. Inching back. Inching back in toward port. Yes. Reminder, you saved $2 on the pre-order if you buy it at chassis.com. All right. Well, I'll still call you here. Adam Ray is here. Mad TV, man. It's rebooted. Available now on Hulu. We'll talk to Adam right after this. And now Alcoa presents definitely not a Jew on the Adam Corolla show. Date line, Albert in Montana. A 45-year-old man was charged with his eighth DUI after attempting to avoid detection by placing two items between his leg and alcohol monitoring bracelets. The two items were a piece of buckskin and a pig's ear. Definitely not a Jew. Adam Ray here. Probably a Jew. Probably definitely. Absolutely. Shabbat Shalom a Jew. We can have a leader in the clubhouse for definitely not a Jew 2016. So many elements there. I love that. Mad TV, the reboot, all eight episodes now available on Hulu, everybody. We're going to play a round of Jiu Jitsu. We're going to try this. Adam, you can think of a story where a family member perhaps took some of your own personal momentum and cabasched it. Yeah, it's funny. There's a way to do anything. There's a way to reverse Jiu Jitsu. Like when I would say to my grandma, well, there's a complimentary, uncomplementary thing where I'd go like, I'm going to be on the Tonight Show this week. And she'd go, oh, on a real network. That's nice. Oh, that's advanced. That's brown belt level. Yeah, Comedy Central and MTV. That's like real stations. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she'd always say, oh, I like it when you're on a real station so I can watch. You know, it's like, well, hey, bitch, you spend $14 a month. You could watch every night on the Love Line if you wanted. But anyway, the main one is like a non-Jewish girl, I think, right? Like she could be just super incredible and it's never going to beat one. She's not, mom, she's a Harvard grad. She's got a perfect body. She can fly. She, you know, no, great. Is that how she gets to temple? Or is she, you know, oh, she's not to it. You know, like my mom's big. Unfortunately. And a lot of, I feel like the Jews are good at beating you down with redundancy. Yeah. But I would tell my Jewish grandfather, I'd visit him when he was older and I'd go, OK, Grandpa, I'm going to go now. You're leaving. Yes, I'm going to. So you're going to go. I don't know how many ways you want to really break this down. By the way, you're you're 91. You're not familiar with the concept of somebody standing up and going to work. This is a common move. This is a very, something you should see on almost a daily basis. I'd say in your last 91 years where somebody gets up and goes to work. You have a show, Murder She Wrote. She's standing up and sitting down on a lot. Yeah, you even yourself will get up on occasion and go and use it. You leave yourself. Yes. So you're going. My my grandma was she had this little slight. She was obsessed with George Clooney. And so when I started to get into acting, every anything I would do, she would ask if Clooney was somehow involved. Like even when it was like a clear cut, like there's no way Clooney has a hand in this. And then there would just be this like very defeated sigh of like, oh, you piece of like, you disappointment. Like I said, grandma got into a USC acting school. Didn't George Clooney go there? No. Oh, I guess it'll be good for you then. Right. Like just some sort of like undercut, but it was Clooney was driving the if she was proud of me. Wow. Truck. Wow. Yeah. Kind of a bum. Young Adams like I'm doing a tutorial video for IBM. Clooney going to drag? No. Not at all. Grandma, I made a video of Kermit the Frog reacting to two girls, one cup and it went viral. What's Clooney the composer for the soundtrack of two girls, one cup? I got a gig playing one of the Ninja Turtles for party pals. It's a great. Oh, it's Clooney playing this kid. Turn to think all my horrible show gets shot. I did comedy traffic school for a lot of some music. Oh, it's Clooney working. Did he get a ticket? Grandma had to suck a dick to get a part in an all of garden commercial. Was it Clooney's car? Yes, it was. So we know how the game related. We know how the game is played. We're going to play. Gary's going to play us a mad TV, a funny mad TV. Oh, great. Vignette. I do. I wax nostalgic now thinking about all those ones we used to do on the commercial parodies and all stuff we used to do on the man show. You guys were spot on with those years ago. Well, thank you. And now I'm excited to see Adam Ryan. Yeah. I think this is a commercial. I believe. Yes, I believe this is the cold open from episode six. Oh, great. We'll check them all out on Hulu. Here we go. OK, cool. Just like a good friend stay ranch is here. I have been a bad, bad, naughty boy and I need some spank it. Jerry. Oh, Alex. What's going on? Car stuff. Yeah. I'm your agent. That's why I'm here. What do we got here? In bondage. It's nothing. If this is a bad time, that's a good a time as any. I was just at a costume party at my master's house friends. Friends house, they have master's degrees. That's why I said that. OK, let's take a look. She's having a hard time. Stayed farm age. Oh, Jerry, really, really. That is good. Being stuck in the pipe. I'm going to drive home. I can deal with it later. No, no, no, no, no. Let me take some notes. That's why I'm here. Jerry, is that a tickler? Usually is a pen. It's a feather that I use for dusting that we're doing right there. And we're good. Let me just take a couple of pictures on my phone and we will be all square. Oh, Jerry. Water, fire, fire, blue. Keep forgetting that. This is warming lotion, Jerry. Yep, it is. Sorry. Not for car stuff. Maybe you should call someone else. This isn't working out. Yeah. Just like a good friend, stay wrenches here. Whoa! What the? Oh, hey, Alice. Jerry? She's doing a rail, a coat. I wasn't doing cocaine. I was just smelling my table mirror. I don't do cocaine. I mean, unless, I mean, do you guys have any? No, Marjorie, we don't. It's OK. Go, go, go, go. OK. Just like a good friend, stay wrenches here. Dead, all dead. Oh, there's a chaos. She's covered with blood. OK, that is it. I am switching providers tomorrow. I don't care how annoying flow is. Nice. I like the other saddle on. I mean, first time I've worn any of that. People had no problem making the joke. So when are you going to get into costume? Uh-huh. Yeah. So many good commercials out there now that you can make. Right, to parody. To parody. To parody. The commercial game has really been stepped up over the last I don't know, 10 years, 20 years. More production now. Yeah. Even like Michael Jordan and the Haynes commercial will get a nice chuckle out of me every now and then. Hey, Jerry. You don't think comedy when you think Jordan and Haynes, but. Add the Hitler mustache. Yeah, real downer than Aces. And the first class section. Wow, Touche. He had a like a 14 month period where he decided, you know, it would look good on me. Yeah. Like the Führer's mustache. Yeah, that's when you really test your popularity. I was going to say, somebody must say to a man, Mike, you can do anything. Well, except for. Rock a Hitler's stash. And he was like, okay, Scotty Pippen. Yeah, he was like, I've been working this skinhead thing for now. 15 years. No one said boo. So it's time. I gotta help my people. I get the message. Gotta stay current. Gotta help my game. He's such a compulsive gambler that would not be shocked if he lost to that. Like, you know, you don't make this pot. You gotta wear a Hitler mustache for your next Haynes commercial. Dude, I got this pot. Damn it. So funny. Gary, find masculine out. I don't know why. Because now I got a hankering for, oh, masculine. It was a man show detergent that was, it's for protein. It gets protein. Sorry about that. That's all right. Well, thanks for playing that sketch. Oh, man, it's funny. We love it. And again, not only mad TV, all the episodes out on the Hulu, but about last night, their friend Brad Williams as well. And then stand up. Headlining, by the way. Flappers and Burbank out here. It's a fun, intimate club. Yeah, I like it. Well, it's a good layout. I don't know why. Great layout. I mean, Burbank should have a spot out there, right? There's a lot of, you know, the weekends they do really well. I do, I'm not a fan of the pre-show music. Have you ever heard that? It's like, it's old timey, like fifties. Is it rag timey? Yeah. It's like, Like, pull on some Katy Perry or some fucking two chains. The problem is you name. It ain't too far from that. Well, because you named your club Flappers. And now you have to. You're locked in. You're locked in. It's almost, again, it's like the guy decides he's going full rockabilly at 19. Yeah. He's locked in. It's got theme, like, what are those theme restaurants? There's one in Dallas where, like, people are dressed up as characters. Like, there's like a Buzz Lightyear and a, you know, Hitler. There's all the famous Michael Kiora. All the Pixar characters. There's a talking clip. There's a bunch of different, like, characters. But, you know, it has that vibe to it where you're like, all right, is this comedy or is this some sort of charade? All right, we'll take the questions for the Jiu Jitsu. I'll just play the Maske Allow commercial because everyone made me have a commercial parody. It made me laugh. Billy. Not my favorite sweater. I love my men. But when it comes to laundry, there's one thing I can do without. Protein stains. Those frustrating protein stains. Oh, man. You need new Maske Allow. Maske Allow? Protein delivered at high velocity can adhere to fibers. But Maske Allow crystals penetrate deep into fabric to remove even the toughest protein stains. Sounds great. But can I clean this protein stain sweater? Just look. We stained two identical sweaters with protein. We've been a happer for three weeks. Treated one with Maske Allow, the other with the leading brand. The Maske Allow sweater is clean, but the other one. Oh, no. Don't sweat. Oh, no. I got protein on my jeans. Jesus, what place? I'm gonna take a shower, mister. I'll grab the Maske Allow. Maske Allow protein stain remover. Shoot it in every load. I mean, that was a flawless parody. You had every element. The woman's acting was fucking perfect. And the wah-wah. Oh, yeah. The quick zoom in on her and the kid, and then the animation you have to have. The split screen of like the two competing brands. We're getting these arguments with comedy, so it'll be like, you can't show a load of jizz. And it's like, that's what Tide looks like. Yes. That's what liquid, whatever, Glad looks like. Yes. Whatever they'd have. That's what it's brilliant. It looks exactly like a load of jizz. We get these huge, I know we argued over the design of the bottle for... The shaft's bald. It's a nice visual gagging. I mean, the socks stuck to her back. The dog. I mean, he had every base covered. Oh, God bless us. That wasn't even, that wasn't my idea, so I feel like I can show it with impunity. All right, Jiu Jitsu, now these are the calls. We'll start with Steve from Houston. So for Adam Ray, it was never collaborating with George Clooney. That was a big one. For the grandma. Yeah, that was for the grandma. I wish I could say it was like a once or twice thing, and it was like a, you know, just, you know, but no, it was pretty much everything. She was obsessed. Rest her soul, I never, you know, if she could have still been living, I would have tried to maybe, you know, get his email somehow, get a dick pic for something like... Steve, 27 Houston. Hey, what's going on? Going on. Give us a little Jiu Jitsu story. So I bought a house this year. A little three bedroom, two bathroom. Congrats. 18, 1800, 1900 square feet with a nice little pool in the backyard. Grandparents came down to visit, have dinner. They stay over in my guest room. She comes out in the morning. She goes, I was thinking about it. It's really good. You didn't buy a house too big since you, since you're single still. Oh man. Oh yeah. She's a wheezes. Jiu Jitsu. Yeah. To the trap door anywhere you can pull, send grandma into a pit of snakes for a couple minutes. Let her think about that. Or maybe let the gimp work her over a little. Add them in a saddle. Add them in a saddle. Come down there for 1500 bucks. So, yeah, because she got in the, it's good when you can double down. She got in the small square footage and the still single. Yeah. Double whammy and part two. Yeah. It's combo. That's a combo. That's a fucking, yeah, that's nice. Yeah. Oh, you know what was weird? I haven't thought about this, but my first girlfriend was a Jew named, her name was Esther. She had to be a Jew. Yes it was. Great, great Jew name. And what, and I had a friend. Starting off strong. I had a stud friend. It was named Chris. And we were like best friends. And he was kind of the big man on campus. And like the eighth grade or seventh grade or whatever it was. I remember it was a simpler time. She was literally just going to call us and notify who her boyfriend would be. Would it be Chris or would it be me? She started off, I got you jissued in like the seventh grade. Oh, wow. She called up. We're like dutifully waiting by the phone. And she said, you know, I've given it some thought. And I'm going, I'm going with you, Adam. And she paused and she went, all my friends think I'm crazy. Oh, God. I've heard the time like she was looking at Chris on it. She had to. What the fuck? And you're a pamphlet, you know it's actually Jiu Jitsu. I mean, I guess I know who I'll not be dating after you. It'll be all of your friends. They all said she was crazy. Jesus. She had to include that in her selection. Yeah, she was character. Young Jew, Esther. Yeah, that's right. She showed you. Yeah. And then she really showed me because she was a Jewish chick and Jewish chicks, they have no dominion over their hair. That's true. And until they get to a certain age, they can't figure out what to do with their fucking hair. She could never figure out what to do with her hair. And then at a certain point when she dumped me, she figured it out like the next day. Went from six and a half to a 10. Like she became smoking hot. Of course. It's perfect. Wavy tresses. You're holding her back. I think I may have been. She was actually in, her name was Estie Chandler. That was her sort of stage name. And she was in one of those high school honor student by day, street walker by night. Like 80s movies. Yeah. Like she starred. So you know she's hot. She starred in one of those movies. Didn't we see her picture or a poster from that? She was super hot. Well that's when the hair got changed after she dumped me. Yeah. So it worked. Hey, Steve. Yeah. That's good. So you have Jewish grandparents who came down to make fun of the house. Yeah. Nice. All right. That's a good double jujitsu. Did they say anything about the pool? They asked if it was heated or not. Of course. Oh yeah. Temperature. Yeah. The water temperatures key. They didn't say like, oh it's good you got a pool without the hot. Sometimes too many options. Yeah. First and last Tuesdays at foot in Houston. Yeah. It's Houston so heated pools not super nice. Okay. Yeah. That's also they'll do a lot of a slight like a subtle yellow belt. JuJitsu will be the pool. Nice. That's a lot of work. You know when they slide in that part. Yeah. A lot of maintenance. I know. I know. By the way, who are the assholes? Because I have race cars. So I get a lot of, it's a lot of updates. A lot of this and that and the other. Yeah. We're looking at a picture of a young SD right now. You know, they'll go like, oh you got a horse. That's a lot of work. Like I get it. You don't just chain the horse up. Never feed it or tend to it or do anything to it. Just ropey junkie at it every Tuesday. Ah, if you want. If not mind. Don't bother. And then when you feel like riding it, you just go take it on a fucking long 100 mile run. Yeah. I get it. It's not a dune buggy. Pools. But all the stuff that's fun, like dirt bikes and pools and horses and race cars and up the end thread, there's a little work involved. There's a little upkeep involved. But you do it because you want to enjoy yourself. Yeah. Like it's like owning a houseboat. Like, okay, it's a hassle but it's upkeep but it's fun. Okay. Even a movie projector, they could probably find something wrong with. Right? Oh, I don't want to dust that. Yeah. Yeah. Those get hot. Tim, 48, Chicago. Tim. Oh, love me some ATF through Adam Ray. What's up, bud? How are you? Good. Happy early flag day. Uh huh. After I got my first big promotion at work, I got the chance to travel all over the world, like in Asia and Europe and things like that. I announced this to my mom. Her response was, well, if you're into that sort of thing, and if, well, all that weird food, but that's good enough for you. Oh my God. You weird food fuck. Yeah. What a slice and dice for mom. Yeah, it's so weird. It is a weird thing to do to family members to put the weird, like I get like, it's like the one actor, the one comedian. It's like one comedian and they're with another comedian and they're competitive. Yeah. And you know, Adam tells me, oh, he's playing flappers. I go, oh, it's a cute little club. I remember playing. I remember doing that. I used to play that on the way out back in the day. Yeah. Flappers. That's all I had? Flappers reminds me of that theater I'm doing next week because it's got a better name for a club. Yeah. I'm playing a place called the blimp hanger. I don't know. We could probably feel like probably put like 40 flappers in it, you know, but I mean, obviously he wouldn't do that. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, that's cute. Have fun. Good for you. Yeah. Yeah. All right. They still overpriced drinks there. Is that the stuff still bitter? Yeah. Hell yeah. All right. What the jokes? That's sweet. Yeah. I get that. But to your, your son, it's a weird one to your son's, you know, then it comes and it's so consistent. That's the, that's the weird one. It's consistent. Where'd you grow up, Adam? Seattle. So did your parents give you a hard time for moving away to college? No, my mom was pretty supportive of it. She wanted me to get out. That's not true, Jetsu. Yeah. It's very, yeah. I mean, she, she, she also just figured I'd come back right away. She was like, oh yeah, go, go down there and try it out. And even when I was Wolverine at Universal Studios, like a year after graduation, she was like, yeah, so just, you know, be a fake, fake superhero for a little bit and come on back. And I'll have some chili ready for you. Now what'd your mom and dad do? Or what do they do? My dad was a cardiovascular surgeon. And then my mom was a, she did like geriatric social work. And so she'd, you know, assisted living. Wow. Yeah. Go home, man. That to me be the geriatric, whatever work feels like such a bummer. She's, yeah, she was doing that. And then like, you know, counseling and therapy. I mean, just, just such a people help. Yeah. I mean, just all of it. And then she was like a social worker and then it was like the activities person at like old folks home. And so like our, you know, choirs and elementary school and stuff would go sing to these 90, 100 year old people that, you know, I don't know if they could understand what we were singing or if they enjoyed the songs of 1995 that the Lake Forest Park choir was singing. In a weird way, like they always talk about like, hey, you're going to go to the old folks home. And, you know, you're going to entertain, you know, the 14 year olds are going to sing there. They're going to go there and they'll sing a Justin Bieber song and like entertain. I got, I've had a different take on it. I don't think it's to entertain the elderly folks. I think it's a quiet, scared straight for the young kids. So do you want to be old and alone and broke and end up in this shit place with all the fucking horrible, horrible furniture with all the bad fabric on it? Watch arguing over what channel to turn it to with 23 old people. Is this how you want to fucking end up? Because it's really, it's a smart national plan. It's called 401k kids. Right. Like we can get all of the junior high kids to filter through the place. It smells weird. That has no funky jello. Always smells weird. And everyone, when they're done with their performance, starts walking back to the van going, oh, fuck, I better start saving my chuckle now. I'm not going to end up like that shit. Oh yeah. It smells like pee and bleach. Yeah, right. Right. Which makes sense. Right. There's like a dry race board that tells you what day it is and lunches at 3.30 in the afternoon and peas or the entree and who's on duty. Always peas. Peas or the entree. Peas and leis. One is spritzer. Well, that's what I'm saying. You make it a little, we make it a little bad, you know, and then when the kids file in and then, you know, kids, you can't shout at them. You got to let them experience this stuff. But as they file back to the bus, they're all thinking, boy, we better save our money. Yeah. You know, I just remembered about that. I would go on days like if I had to go with my mom in which she was working and stay there. And there was like an activities room and there was a pool table and so I'd always play pool. And there was this guy who like worked there, I think, and he had one arm and he played pool and he like taught me how to play pool and he had like a weird mustache. And like after a while, I was like, does this guy like actually work here? Because he was always there. And then I went to my mom and was like, yeah, that guy, you know, whatever playing pool again on the upstairs. She's like, who? Oh, really? Yeah. So I guess he would always just come by and he was like harmless. So they would let him, what are you going to tell a one-arm guy who wants to come by and play pool? Wait a second. Was he sharking the patients? Like I want to, let's play for money this time. Probably. It's possible. Taking advantage of all those Holocaust survivors. Keyless Chuck found a little shade. That's not me. It was during the day. Inside that's my homeless guy's name. The harmless homeless guy's name is Keyless Chuck. And he, he, yeah, because your mom would know it if a one-arm dude worked upstairs. For sure. Yeah. You don't, yeah. I mean, you're walking and you have to check in with somebody. Speaking of pool, I don't know why, but one time I went to the Burbank Y and they made the mistake of like putting their pool table sort of in the men's locker room area, which just means old dude, shoot pool, nude pool. Swing and suck. Need pool. When that bridge comes out, look out. Swing and suck. Yeah. Look out. I gotta get the right angle for this rail. This is on them. This is on them. You don't put, you don't put, you, anything that falls in the water. Even the confines of the male locker room for everyone over 60 will do it in the nude. If I don't care if it's bocce ball, I don't care if you're quilting like they will do it in the nude. If it's in the dudes, cause there's something about that Burbank Y, I'm 71. It's in the place with the all weather carpet and I'm just shooting pool nude. And there's always that one guy that's like, I got, I'm going to take that eight ball by the pussy. That's right. You know, just typical locker room pool nude chatter. All right. Get ready with a little news and thanks Tim. I'll tell you guys about the reverie bed. Ah, not a morning person. Good. Me neither. Reverie is your bed. Now you take the mattress, you get the firmness, you get fitted, you do to your exact body. You have a great sleep. Plus, they got a new iPhone app. How about this? It's a raise to wake. That's right. Instead of the alarm going off, the bed just starts leaning up. Just starts raising you up. How much night because if you really know you're running for the bathroom, being that whole like, that's, that's a really weird, ergonomically horrible way to wake up a human being. Like you're in Ram. It's got to take time off your life. It really does. Like you're in Ram and all of a sudden this buzzer starts going off in your ear. And then you'll always work it in your dream. Like if you ever have one of those, you have one of those, especially if you're doing one of those crazy, like we got to be at LAX, we got, we're going to Logan, we got a 705 flight and alarms going off at like 455 and it starts going off. It's in your dreams. You're on a spaceship that is just taking a cruise missile and the size of it. Everyone battle stations, battle stations. And then you wake up covered with flop. So I'd be like, what's going on? Oh, I got to go see Mike August and go to LAX. I wish I was back on that ship. Where was I? Reverie. That's right. Yeah. I got an iPhone. Yeah. We'll work it out. They got, so anyway, it'll rise up. It'll wake you up. They got a program. They got a program to start the massage first. I love that. Starts the massage and then slowly start. You actually be looking forward to waking up because you want the massage to kick in. I got the reverie bed. I love that massage function. I use it all time. I just set it for a half hour and I take a nap when I get home. Anyway, give me a call. Triple eight, triple eight, 5990. These guys are great. Man, invest in your health. Invest in your sleep. Triple eight, triple eight, 5990. Let them know you heard it here. Would you please? All right. Should we do a little news? Let's do it. Give me the news with grad. News with Gina grad. Showbiz Congress. Tech news forces, well-news. Give me news with Gina grad. Wretched out of Florida. Sex surveys, Obama. Need news with Gina, Gina. The news with Gina grad. Well, the Indians took game one in the World Series against the Cubs, but that doesn't mean the Cubs are done. In fact, Chicago Cubs fans are looking at a 1993 yearbook photo taken in Mission Viejo, California as a sign of good fortune. I don't know if you saw this story, but the Cubs last won the World Series in 1908, but in 1993, Michael Lee, this kid, outrageously predicted they'd be back in his yearbook. The direct quote said, under the picture said, Chicago Cubs, 2016 World Champions. You heard it here first. Now, of course, a lot of people are suspicious of this being photoshopped. However, one Reddit user, he claimed to have found four other copies of the yearbook and that Lee's predictions is in all of them. He lives in Chicago now, this kid, so apparently he's a big Chicago fan. He knows. We'll see. Could be Biff. White people rise. So I don't know. That's different. I wasn't even thinking about baseball at the time. Mine said whoopie will host the view. Oh. So yeah. I felt like a stretch of the time. You did have the Trump 2016 as president proclamation. You and Michael Lee. Here's the thing. Now here's the scary thing about these things. They always work until we speak their name out loud. Yeah. They don't work. Talk about it afterwards. And here's the thing where they go. Timmy the Octopi has picked the Super Bowl champion every single year. We take a ball and we float it in his tank and we have a Raiders and we have a, oh, let's see who they play that year. They got killed. The Bucks. The Buckineers and we float in each year. The ball that he grabs and cuddles with, that's the team that wins or whoever wins the Atari tournament. I'm dating myself. Use that team until they voice it out loud and then it doesn't happen. So the key to these things is to shut up. Never. Yeah. Don't jinx it. Don't jinx it. Cut that out. Cut that out. By the way, a lot of Redskins groups out there and then the Redskins or the Indian nation just sort of said who cares. And then I think it slowed people's role. But how about the Indians? Are they getting a lot of flak? Actually talked about that on the morning show today that they were surprised that people really aren't talking about it. The name is not so much offensive. I mean, I think the progressive group worked their way down to it eventually. Chief Wahoo is, could be looked at in a little throwback. It's almost like the Mammy, you know, kind of like, you know, black stare, a typical image from like the turn of the century. And don't they do, like, the chiefs do the Tomahawk chop. So isn't there like a chant? I think that's pretty far down the list. I think Chief Wahoo is next on the crosshairs. You know, Raves were pretty famous for the chop. Yeah, the Seminoles, the Floors. I think the Indians are kind of getting, that's getting overshadowed by the fact that Charlie Sheen wants to throw out a first pitch. Ricky Vaughan. I want Charlie Sheen as Ricky Vaughan for the first pitch. I mean, come on. You know what though? I should have asked him a follow-up question, but I was super tired. My dad, who's a sports guy, was telling me that the people of Cleveland don't want that. So they might be the ones that are going to ruin this for everybody. What do they want? I don't know. Orban Bernstein? What does that mean? They want it Wesley Snipes. No, there's like, there's more of a local hero. Can I say this, people of Cleveland? Actual baseball player? Jim Tomi. Cleveland, here's the deal, Cleveland. You get what we give you. You don't get what you want. Yeah. We're LA. If we want to lend you out one of our coked up stars, thank you in an edible arrangeable we'll do nicely. And that's for starters. Oh, by the way, where's our stupid bet? Every year, you know, the mayor of Cleveland and the mayor of Chicago, he's going to send over some kill boss up. And then if he loses, well, of course, Cleveland is known for their bank. Because I want someone's wife blowing the other guy. I want some real manager on manager real stakes. You telling one of your lackeys to go put together a basket with Kilbasa's not this is not a bad, not not of any magnitude at all. You know, the bats like, oh, we, oh, San Francisco will send you over clam chowder. No, yeah, you're really just doing an advertisement for your city's cuisine. Papa John's for a year. No, dude, fuck his ex-wife. You fuck that ex-wife. You cockled make no bet. Serrano. What's his name? Serrano Serrano Serrano. Serrano Serrano. Serrano. Tackle. Cockled. Your wife with a character full character. Yeah. He's going to call him Joe boo. He's doing the voodoo thing on his dick. He's tapping it with a voodoo doll and that's it. That's a ass-too-joo-boo. I do it myself. I do it myself. I do it myself. And we film it. We put up on YouTube. That's right. That's right. Hey, that's a bet. I just thought it's a hoot. Who wouldn't watch that series? Now everyone's in, right? Yeah, everybody's got a little skin in the game. Yeah, literally. Until, by the way, Clevelanders, feel free to tweet me about how poorly my warriors did against your calves. But until they won the championship last year with LeBron to make that great comeback against the Warriors, I'm going to guess that the greatest Cleveland sports moment of the previous four decades was the fake Indians winning the pennant in Major League. It's in Wikipedia with their lineup, right? What else could be better? I don't know. Can I be losing the World Series? Aside from the fighter that you mentioned who won it for... Yeah, steeping outfit or something. That's the best sports of one Cleveland in the last 40 years. Isn't the Indians roster from the movie in Wikipedia like their real players? I think it is. It's got to be. Yeah, I think it's right. Oh, you mean, I'm sorry. So you're saying the movie was probably the highlight of Cleveland sports for the last, let's say 30 years before LeBron, before they won the championship. I mean, yeah, we... There's Clevelanders listening right now nodding sadly. Well, it's, I mean, the real heartbreak was them and Denver and the drive and all that kind of stuff. There's some great teams back then. As we've always seen in my argument to raise the goal post when the Denver kicker and I think OT kicked the winning field goal and went way over the top of the upright. There's really no way we could tell. Filmed in Milwaukee, so says Nick, not even Cleveland. But yeah. Bob Uker was the announcer. Yeah. I believe you're right. All right. Well, Justin Timberlake's in a little trouble for a voting booth selfie. I saw that. He snapped. Yeah, that happened on Tuesday. You can't do that. Nope. This happened at a Memphis voting machine with the caption, hey you, yeah you, I just flew from LA to Memphis to, quote, rock the vote. No excuses, my good people. Unfortunately, Tennessee law prohibits voters from using their phone for taking photos or videos inside a polling area. Now that the matter is under review of the Shelby County DA's office, the misdemeanor could land the singer behind bars for 30 days. Does anyone know why? Why it's illegal? I don't know. But I, it's like a prep. Yeah. I mean, if you're the one posting it, maybe they don't want you to take pictures of other people's decisions. Yeah, there's a lot. There's, I think we have a lot of voting rules and so on just went, let's not have this. Because they're going to start shooting porn. Right. And they're, it's also like, how many things do you need to dock? I mean, I know he's, by doing that, he's probably trying to, you know, encourage, Yeah, bring some awareness to it. Yeah, I can. Look at Timberlegs voting, it's cool to vote. You know, maybe it was somebody who sees that and goes, fuck yeah, I wasn't going to, but now the leader in syncs doing it, so I'm on board. But if he said, if he just tweeted, I just voted. Do that. I wouldn't be like, where's the photographic evidence? Yeah. Prove it. Prove it. Speaking of voting and things, you know, there's this whole condom thing that was going on out here. Prop 60. Prop 60. What does it say? They want, you know, porn, porn, porn shot, pornography shot in California, the actors would have to wear, would have to wrap it up. And I was like, I'm always sort of back and forth on this, but I had a pretty profound thought the other day, which is, I like to watch a lot of period slash historical porn. Sure. We all know this about you. And this would ruin it. Oh, that's true. This would ruin it for me. I'd be like that guy's supposed to be an Incan warrior and he's got a trojan on him. Not even lamb skin. Not even lamb skin. Not even a time period. Yeah. Not to mention a future like outer space scenarios too. Yeah. Why don't we just put a fucking Apple watch on him too while we're at it. Like you're throwing me way off. Everything I watch is shot. I'm drinking a pot of it when he's done. Based. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Would you like a time period sensitive condom? Some of this, I feel like some of this stuff predates. You know, some of this stuff, I like to go back to like old Jerusalem and stuff like that. You know, old Testament. Well, that's where the dialogues were. That's my, the dialogues better. Aramaic. Yes. Yeah. Look, there was nothing I could do when the tramp stamps were ushered in. I had to just kind of look the other way. Yeah. That's how you're called. But when I see these condoms coming in, Gary, tell me, you know, they must have some recorded something. I feel, well, when it is thought sort of generally that the condom was first used. You know, I blame the Egyptians, by the way, because Egyptians must have had some sort of committee where they went, let's just do a whole bunch of shit super early, even if we can't use it. And then later on, people at dinner parties can look down their noses at other people because they'd go, because they don't have those people where you go, what was the calculator invented? You know, the fifties, the late early sixties, the Egyptians used. You know what I mean? The one upper. The ride, the tractor lawn mower, the riding mower, that one would that come into vogue like in the 40s? Actually, the Egyptians had it. The toilet with the double flush button, the one with the poop and one with the thing. What's that about? Four years, six years ago. Probably. Oh no, the Egyptians had it first. There's always some dick at the dinner party. Oh, the Egyptians are you surprised? Yeah, they're advanced. Right, right, right. 1855, the first rubber condom was invented. That's 1855. And but we'll see, you know, when they were using the lamb skin or the cat gut or whatever of those fucking Egyptians, they literally just sat around and just went, look, we're not really going to get anything done in the next several thousand years. But if we can crank out a bunch of shit, let's just say that Leonardo da Vinci did the same thing. He invented the helicopter. No, he invented a drawing. Who could ever? You're not inventing a helicopter. There's a stack of drawings of things I've thought of. Yeah, I thought about this. TM, TM. This is a magical tube that carries people under the river and onto the other side. Like, okay, all right, all right, I'm not doing anything. I'll write it all down and then I'll take credit for everything in advance. Yeah, sorry. We're sure that they were used going back to the 14th and 15th century and then there's debates before that. All right. Can the condom be like, you know, how some of them they have over there, like it feels like you're not even wearing one. Like, can it look like that? So that maybe in Washington, the point, you don't know, but, but, you know, they know for their safety precaution, right? That's what the, that's what they wanted to pass, right? So that they're safer. I feel like at this point, if it does pass, instead of just going with the sheer latex condom, let's start selling advertising. Oh. Yeah. I think, let's talk about the elephant in the room. Instead of trying to squint and avoid the condom, you know, let's just put a, you know, shout out for playing parenthood or Pepsi or something. You can see it come in and pop out again to be like when there's old timey signs that spun around or blanked on and off or, you know, local pest control company or anything. It's about time Pepsi gets in the comic. I was going to say, I've been waiting. Yeah. What's your, what's your hold up here? Dr. Pepper is coming on, coming in hard. Just put the side of a slide whistle on it. You know what I mean? Like something that, or bike pump, you know, anything that had a butter churn, you know, just make it fun. Yes. Well, don't forget your birthmark. Oh, right. Yeah. That's a big one. That's your business. And I had this thought that, look, you're a guy, you're a horny, you're on the road, you're doing your thing, right? Every once in a while you're out on the road, you might get tangled up with a underage fella or a young lady who has a fake ID. You know, I don't want you to go out, Jared Fogle. Eventually it'll come down to I can identify Adam Ray's cock. Like the person will go, it's a literally pardon, where the rubber meets the chode. It's a thing where somebody has to go, look, I'll tell you, it's he said, she said, or he said, he said, or whatever it is, but I can go, but I can go, I can tell you what his cock looks like right now. Then you get, you're going to win that case. I came out with this line of condoms that have birthmarks worked onto them. So the chick that you're with on the road, it's like, he's got a huge, you know, it looks like Florida or Alabama or something. I don't know, but it's a state. It's on the side. It's pretty visible. I remember seeing it. It's Wyoming, it's a perfect square. It's right on top. So then you just whip your cock out, ladies and gentlemen, it's your turn. I just see anything. It looks like Wyoming on top of my cock. And she goes, what is that? Maybe I was on the guy you were with. Maybe you were there. Maybe I wasn't there. It looks crazy for creating a birthmark cock. Right. But you just put it on the condom. Of course, yes. You just lie into the bathroom. It's brilliant. Shady, but brilliant. It's good, right? It's real good. All right. Ben Affleck teamed up with the next gen climate and FunnierDye to do a PSA, encouraging people in New Hampshire to get out and vote. With a thick Boston accent, Ben, aka Benny the Sweet One O'Callaghan, is doing his part to make sure Americans cast their vote on November 8th. Here's a clip of Ben telling the people of New Hampshire why he thinks they should vote. You care about keeping the environment safe for future generations to have a hear of us? You care about people getting to piss in the fucking bathroom or that choice? I guess who's got your back in this election? That's right. My basically home state New Hampshire. Honestly, normally I'd say the great people of New Hampshire are too good for this fucking election. New Hampshireians are so nice they don't even yell at you in that car. At least not North of Manchester. Seeing as how this election is a bigger disaster than the New York next, the people from New Hampshire are going to have to register and vote. Otherwise, this whole damn nation is going to be cursed. Oh, I don't talk about curses. Don't put the word curse in the teleprompter. Take that shit out. That's not funny. There's jokes and then there's curses. Register to vote in New Hampshire. All of New England is counting on you. So go to this website that's situated somewhere around my balls right now and find your polling place. It's no masculine. I miss funny Ben Affleck. I don't like killer accountant Ben Affleck. I like funny Ben Affleck. You like mall rats Ben Affleck. Yeah. I like mall rats Ben. I can take a day's of good views Ben Affleck. I love that guy. All right. Let me tell you, Gary, let's see. Oh, find the man show deodorant commercial. Hi Gary. Specialty devised. Especially formulated. All right. Draft Kings baby. Mm. Fantasy football. How's that gone? Mm. Running back. Pulled a couple hamstrings. Sleeper pick. Still asleep. Oh poor little Sonny. He lost the Corolla digital pool. Back in the fairy wings. Back fairy wings. Had to take a picture of him. Had to hobo him up. All sorts of good stuff. We'll find that picture. We'll put up at armcroll.com. Anyway, draft Kings. Where was I? Ah, you can still have yourself a hell of a season at draftkings.com is where you go. The destination for one week fantasy football. No season long commitments. Play whenever you want with the players you want. Never again will you injuries. You're combing the waiver wire at 2am. You can renew old rivalries. Prove you're a superior GM. Try the 50-50 contest for the top half of all entries. Win cash. So even if your team's circling the drain, you still win huge cash prizes at draftkings.com. That's draftkings.com. Don't wait. Start your new season at draftkings.com now. Use code Adam and Play For Free with your first deposit. Use code Adam and Play For Free with your share of over $1 million in total prizes this weekend. Only at draftkings.com eligibility restrictions may apply. See site for details. All right. That's 45 seconds. There's a man show. Oh, there's Sonia. Oh, with a beard. Yeah, had a beard. That's right. It's the man show, man show deodorant commercial. Hi, I'm Adam Corolla. No matter what I'm doing, I give it 110%. Hey, I demand the same from my deodorant. Whether I'm riding, shooting hoops, or masturbating. I need maximum protection. Man show deodorant protection. Man show deodorant is specifically formulated for the chronic masturbator. While regular deodorant stop working at 100%, man show deodorant keeps going to 110% to offer you maximum protection. Because while the days were made for masturbating, the nights, the nights were made for masturbating. Man show deodorant for the chronic masturbator, like you. Another classic. Did you guys do commercials that weren't based around masturbating? Tough to not do that. I don't know. I can't remember Jimmy. Oh, there was masks. Oh, no, there was the Mampons. There was also the squeegee thing that went across. The mannavation. Remember the squeegee that went across the belly? Oh, that was the belly Zamboni. That was my invention. That was a mannavation. That was not a commercial. That's a mannavation. Yeah, yeah. The Mampon that, you know, after you were done, went over your belly. I'm believing it. Clean it up. Has that ever been talked about being brought up? No, I don't think... I don't...you know, the thing about it is I've never had that discussion with Jimmy ever. Jimmy's been insanely busy since the second he left. So I imagine... We should have it, and have Brad and I host it. Oh, my God. That'd be fine...that'd be fine with me. Um, to be continued. We got a, there's a dildo commercial. Yep. Pull it up. What's the weight? Why is it not a playing already? The marvelous world of synthetics. Housewife Patricia A uses hers every day. Her daughter Patty wouldn't leave home without one. Why would you? And even granny Eleanor is getting in on the action. What's all the buzz about? Why dildos, of course. Dildos? Yes, dildos. Watch out America, because these days dildos are showing up in places you wouldn't expect. The dildo process begins here in the molding room, where dildo models like the God of Rhydes thrust their bulging erections into synthetic synchroplast, quick drying dildo molds like so. Can I be a dildo model? Sorry, Mr. Bent Penis. Only the straightest and most attractive of penises will be selected to become models for the future dildos of America. Uh-oh. Don't look now, but I think our Mr. McBride is starting to flag. Fortunately, fluffer Angela is on the job. Way to go, Angela. Ha ha ha. Once the dildos have been molded, they go here to the production line, where operators like Mildred add the final details that give today's dildos their lifelike look. That's fine work, Mildred. Rose gives the nuts a final polish. The end of the line at last. This one's too big. This one's too small. Ah, just right. Will it fit? Yes. Yes. That's good old fashioned, all-American dildo fun. Happy masturbating America. I had no Mr. Bent Penis. So do you and Jimmy each get a peabody or do you have to split one? Anyway, well, he keeps it the first six months of the year and then we transfer it. Your voiceover guy for these ads is really... It's great. I think that's Ralph Garmin who was my old roommate and then you can find over in K-Rock as well. That's a key element of those parodies, you know? I completely 100% forgot about that. There's so many bits. Although I do remember Dr. Stefano. Oh, Garry's got a look for Dr. Stefano now. Alright, let's do one. Let's do one. Let's just good pod the shoulder. I'm sorry, but I forgot about all these bits. Well, in the pre-production meeting for the reboot, we'll talk about a best-of show. Well, you were talking about an incident with lady drivers earlier and maybe it was because of this. Hyundai Motors conducted a study and found that believe it or not, women are more likely to suffer from road rage than men. Researchers tested 1,000 people using a combo of sensors and webcams. Found women are 12% angrier than men when they're behind the wheel. Absolutely. Yep. I've made this argument a thousand times. Only 12? The average man weighs 70 pounds more than his mate. If Lynette had 70 pounds of muscle on me, she'd be kicking the shit out of me every single day. Yep. Like, there's no doubt about it. No doubt about it. I'll tell you. I'll tell you. I'm sorry. You're an emotional. Easy, buddy. No, but I'll tell you why. It's a simple little experiment. If you are around a dude and you step on that guy's foot with like your heel, the guy will be like, Oh, hey, dude, ow. Women will reflexively kick you or hit you in the shoulder. Her arm will go like flying out. It's a hard wiring. Yeah. Step on a woman's foot, her arm flies out and wax you. Yeah. Step on a guy's foot and he pushes you or he steps back or he does what most, mostly. So if you take that just general, that's a reflex. Yeah. That's a hard wire. You want to put it out on the road? Put it on the road. That's where you'll find it. Oh, Dr. Stefano's ain't on poor him. You want to see some acting? You are. I'll show you some acting. Hello. I'm Praktologist Dr. Carl Stefano. I've been in practice for over 20 years surgically removing the stuff that people put up their butts for a thrill. You may ask, where does all this quality merchandise go? Dr. Stefano's ain't on poor him. He's got a thousand hours of quality merchandise at rock, rock, rock, rock price. Air assault deodorant, leading store price, $3.49. Dr. Stefano's discount price, $59.00. Light bulb, three pack, leading store price, $2.99. My discount price, just $49.00. Declod gerbil, pet store price, over $10 a pile. Dr. Stefano's discount price, $4.49. The competition prices are astronomical. My price is astronomical. You looking for rock bottom prices on carrots, cucumbers and zucchinis? Then don't forget to check out our broding section. We've got freshness you can smell. I can't take it. Also, look at the big savings on football. Two trash. Two figures. Oh my. Congratulations, Captain Gown. Oh, God. So if you like quality merchandise, you love to save money, and you don't mind stuff that's been in another person's ass, then come on down to Dr. Stefano's ain't on poor him. We got rock bottom prices. Rock bottom prices and sacrifices go west Hollywood, but you are still in Salt Lake City, Utah. Of course, Utah's in on the game. I love the bowling pins in the background. Yeah. Yeah. The graduation, Captain Gown. I think I may have been most proud of. Particularly Vignette. Yeah, that's a lot of ass theme here. Was that a stock footage, anal cavity, or was that a... Anybody had a colon? A colon? Was that in-house? I don't think of all the arguments we'd have with our 50-something-year-old nice lady who was our executive at Comedy Central constantly about all the stuff we had to do. Yeah, how would she... What would she have done? What we wanted to do. She had a consistent response or was she just conditioned after a while to go? Okay. I know what's coming my way. We would put... What we would do is have Daniel and Jimmy argue with her for a long time and soften her up, and then I'd come on as the good cop. Always because she liked me. She liked them too, but they were giving them a... They would hassle her. Yeah. And I'd just come on and go, look, I get it. It's offensive. I'm on your side. I'm on your side, but we got to do the show Friday. And if you really think about... Who's ever going to really... Ten years from now, we're going to be arguing over the shape of the masculine detergent bottle. Yeah. My greatest... I'll tell you the... I don't know why. It always just stands in my head as a victory because you have to argue with the network constantly if you want to do stuff. And we had an argument once. It was our longest argument, which is, by the way, it was over nothing, but it was like... It was a joke. It was like two Yugoslavian women stand in a supermarket and it was some joke about their husband's balls smelling or something. And they just said, we're not going to make fun of Yugoslavian people. Thanks. And they just kept going. And we started making up our own countries, like a Richard Dreyfus movie from the 80s. It's always bad when they make up a country. It just doesn't feel right. It's like a sports movie where they make up college teams. You can tell. It pulls you out of it. Tom Hanks and Terminal. Yeah. We kept going, what about El Kula stand or something like that? It's like, doesn't the joke's not there? We need to pick a country that exists, but they'd be like, you can't pick a country that exists because if two women are from Yugoslavia or Mexico or whatever and they're making a joke, then we're making fun of that country. This was clearly pre-Borat. Pre-Borat. Yeah. So I called up Debbie, our network executive over there, and I just said, what's your nationality? And she said, I don't know, my English. And then I said, what's your husband's nationality? She said, he's German or part German or part whatever. And I said, okay. And I said, my mom is English, but my dad's full blooded Italian. And I said, Jimmy, what's your mom? She's like, my mom's Italian. What's your dad? He's Irish. Okay. So just because we're talking about two women and we're talking about how much their balls smell and we're saying they're Yugoslavian, it doesn't mean they're married to Yugoslavians. No one here is married to the same culture that they're married, that they have. None of our parents were the same. So who's to say what the culture is we're making fun of? Well, we're not because we don't know what they are. How close-minded of you. She literally just went, all right, you beat me on a technicality. Fuck. Yeah, she's like, well, there is no guarantee that they're married to Yugoslavian men. You know, she did. She dissed her. Ah-ha. Choo-chee-choo. All right, let's get a little zip recruiter going in our lives. Shall we, people, hiring? Hmm? Posting jobs in one place? Not enough. You want the perfect hire? You need to post on all the top job sites. Zip recruiter. You can post a hundred plus job sites, including Facebook, Twitter. You do it with one click. Find candidates in any city, any industry nationwide. Post once and watch the qualified candidates come rolling all in. No juggling calls, no emails to your office, used by over one million businesses. And right now, they got a deal. My listeners, our listeners, can go to zip recruiter and they can post jobs to zip recruiter for free. So go to ziprecruiter.com slash Adam. ziprecruiter.com slash Adam and post up for free. One more time. Try it for free. Go to ziprecruiter.com forward slash Adam. It's zip recruiter, baby. All right, let's see. You know what's crazy is that Comedy Central, you know, it's ironic that like a network like that would be battling so much comedy when you look at like Disney Channel, dildo jokes left and right. Ah-ha. Those kid Disney shows just constant. I see them on Sprout when I had younger kids when I was younger. Yeah, Doc McStuffins and news clues just dildo every episode. Unbelievable. Yeah, so, you know. That's what Doc McStuffins was pulling out of Mr. Potato. Yeah, something in a way. Mad TV, all episodes, all eight episodes now available on Hulu. Gary, where did you find that dildo thing? I literally had no idea what that was. I completely forgot about it. There may be more. I straight up did a, there's a list online of all the Man Show episodes and then it breaks down the six or so bits that you guys did. I did a Google search that whole page for the word commercial. That was the one that came up. So all the other ones aren't called commercials. They're called, you know, protein one. I completely forgot about that bit. I wasn't in it so I don't remember. No, I just remember like going out and shooting Dr. Dr. Stefano, we shot at the 99 cents store in Hollywood. We would never tell him what we were doing. You know, it's like shoot like an homage to your story. You're gonna get more business after this. Yeah, you know who wrote that, me and Dan Dratch, Rachel Dratch's brother. Funny guy, funny family. All right, so we got the podcast about last night, Brad Williams, you and Josh Wolfe and then good call with Josh Wolfe. Sorry, it's another one. So you can go to iTunes or every like and find that also. Well, just go to Adam Ray TV dot com flappers this Friday and Saturday. Yeah, and flappers this Friday and Saturday. You're not seeing cruel at the big theater. Come to the tiny little. Oh, come out to the Grove. That's right. We are playing the grove. Jiu Jitsu. One more the Grove Friday with Milo Yiannopoulos will be doing that a bottle signing before that at provisions market in orange. So I think we'll have the main green and the IPA there and the majestic theater in Dallas on the fourth and then the Paramount Theater and on the fifth and awesome. So come on out, say hi, Reno, Silver Lake, see Casino will be there to ever just go to Adam Crowell dot com. Get the 24 hour war preorder. All the good stuff until next time. Adam Crowell for Adam Ray and Gina Grand ball Brian Sam Mahalo. I'm going to add a second dick to get a partner in all garden commercial. Those Adam Crowell show 1935 that does it for a school classics. Make sure to tune tomorrow for an all new installment until then. Mahalo and get it on. You know, pay never.