When Giving Your Child Control Backfires (Try This)

We're currently running a special limited time five week Q&A series exclusively for our Bratbusters boot camp members. Throughout April, I'm featuring selected member questions alongside the most common implementation hurdles in an exclusive episode each week for five weeks. If you're not already a member, it's not too late to be part of this series. You'll get an instant access to the episodes already released and the final episode question submission deadline is April 23 at 3pm Pacific Time. Go to bratbusters.com or check out the podcast description to learn more and join the Bratbusters boot camp today. How much control do you let your teenagers have? Don't sweat the small stuff with teenagers. If they do something stupid, just say, well, that was stupid. Do you want to hear what I did when I was your age and laugh it off? What are your thoughts on giving toddlers lots of choices in areas where maybe it's not play time, maybe it's what they're going to wear, it's what they're going to eat? Control is good, but manipulation is bad. I gave my kids control over a lot, but they didn't misuse it. If they had, I would have pulled back. I envision the word manipulate feels heated for describing kids. Nope. Two year old can manipulate. Okay. Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name is Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother. And I'm Amy Bunnage. Lisa's daughter and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode will dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, sweetie. What are we talking about today? Today's topic is does your kid have too much control? Well, I don't know. We'll find out, won't we? I guess we will. How about we start off? Do you think there's different levels of control the kids should have depending on their age? Yes and no. I don't think they should ever have the control to treat people horribly, but I think they should have control over maybe when they do their homework as they get older. You know, how they keep their room and their teenagers. I think they deserve to have a messy room in their teenagers. You've got to give them something. If that's all you're giving them, you're lucky, right? That's all they're going to take. So just stuff like that. So you negotiate as they get older and older. But do you give them too much control? I think when that is, when I hear that question, I'm not thinking about the healthy control where they get to have control over what extracurricular activities they do, which I think they should have a say in all that stuff. But I'm thinking they have too much control over what they shouldn't. Is what I think of when you said that topic. But I think that let's go over both because I think that that's important. So maybe let's start with the toddler years. What do you think that toddlers should have control over? Play. Like, oh, I'll give you a good example. I've got a two year old granddaughter and I was just there with her all day yesterday and she evidently, she does want me near her. She goes, grandma, sit like, please, she'll even throw that in. But she doesn't evidently want me doing anything. She wants me to watch her and applaud every single move she makes. She doesn't actually want me to get in on it. If I pick up something and start playing with it, she goes, me do me, me do it. So I realize she wants control over the play and I give it to her. But when I say it's time to change your diaper or time to eat or we're going to go for a walk, then I've got control. But when we're playing, I like to give her that she feels powerful. She feels it just feels good. You can see it. She loves it. She loves leading grandma around by the nose ring when we're playing. So yeah, I give them control. I've always said that though. Let them control the fun. Okay, the rest of the stuff like hold my hand when we cross the street. She has no control over that whatsoever. That's going to happen. That's, that's my control. You're holding my hand when we cross the street. Yes, we're going to change your diaper if you don't want it done. So, but yeah, the play, yeah, let them have fun. Let them, let them guide you around. You want them to be in charge of that because they've got a phenomenal imagination. One thing I do is I feed her a lot of ideas. I think it's important to feed them a lot of ideas then let them run with it. Right. So you say, whoa, what about if we do this and then let them pick it up and then tell you that I like, I like them to be in charge of the play. Now, what are your thoughts on giving toddlers lots of choices and areas where maybe it's not playtime, maybe it's what they're going to wear. It's what they're going to eat. What are your thoughts around that? No, I don't, not this stuff. You know, let them be in control of the fun, not the needs. You know, you meant let them be in charge of the play that doesn't matter. If it's done or not, or how it's done, but when you start giving them choices over what they're going to wear, now it's fine if it's a kid who just makes a quick decision and like if you have a toddler who says, Oh, that, that one or whatever, then, and then they get dressed. That's great. But as soon as they start opposing you and slowing down the process of getting dressed or whatever, then I would stop that. But yeah, if they're completely congenial, you can let them have all the choices in the world. Sure. And I think it stems from possibly parents wanting to build that confidence build autonomy in their kids. So how do you approach that? If not by giving them choices, but the play, you let them be in charge of the play. That's where you give it to them. Yeah. Is your thought process that they just at the end of the day don't really care too much about the other stuff? I don't think they do. And also, um, there's still sort of like, let me think of a situation where it's something that has to be done. But well, let's say I'm going for a walk with my granddaughter when I was doing this with my kids, we are going for a walk for sure. I want to get out and get some exercise. I'm going to bundle you all up, uh, but I'll let you decide what streets we go down. If it doesn't matter, you can decide what streets we go down. So there you go. She's still, I'm in charge of the fact we're going up for a walk, but you can decide where we're going to go. So there you go. It doesn't matter where we go for a walk. So why not let them choose? They love that. They just love it. And they kind of know that you're in charge anyway, but they still like it when they're leading you around, but they know you're in charge. They know they're not paying the bills. Now let's move on to three to 12. That's kind of the age bracket that you have your bootcamp in because you approach parenting pretty similar to that age around that age group. So how do you approach giving them choices? Uh, three to 12 is when you're at the height of your leadership and I would say most things are discussed. So like if you want, um, your kids to join an extracurricular, like my kids didn't have a choice. They had to join at least one thing per semester or per term, right? So let's say they're five years old and then after school, they had to join something. Um, one of my kids was a joiner. The other one wasn't, um, so, you know, but they knew they didn't have a choice. Right. One I had to hold back. The other one I had to push, but I let them choose what it was, but I would give them a few options, but then again, you see, I'm giving them control over what it is. I might say you can play basketball, soccer or rugby or whatever it was. And I said, you pick which one. And then if they said we don't like any of them, I would have said, well, then you come up with something and then we'll talk. So I'm still giving them a lot of choices, but they didn't have a choice in that they had to join an extracurricular activity. And I do remember that. I can't remember what it was specifically, but I remember not loving something and I still finished out the season. There was no choice because you, we decided you were going to do it. Once you joined something, you feel I paid for it. You're going to go, it's a commitment. Right. What are your, this is a little bit of a sidebar, but just with extracurriculars. What are your thoughts on if a kid is maybe acting out bad behavior? And then what are your thoughts on removing the soccer game that evening? I would never do that. That's the healthy stuff. I know. And plus you're letting the team down. You're letting the coach down. You've made a commitment turn up. I don't use stuff like that. I don't use social stuff or friendship or play dates. I don't use that. I don't take that away from kids. I remember that. I remember you never did. It was always just consequences around. Well, honestly, it was just a hairbrush. You would have been brushing my hair. Probably they were, I'll be honest. I was a leader from day one. So I didn't struggle with this stuff by the time they were three. But if they did do something like forgot to do a chore or something, I'd usually just get them to brush my hair for five minutes. And then we'd chat while they're doing it. There's no anger around that because I wasn't angry. So yeah, there's no, there's nothing wrong with making mistakes. Okay. There's nothing wrong with not being perfect, but make a man's own it and say, Oh, sorry, I did that. How about I brush your hair for five minutes? That's how it went in our household. There's no shame in making mistakes. A lot of parents go down that shaming and blaming route. Big mistake. How do you feel if someone did that with you? Let's say you made a mistake at work and then your boss said, why would you do that? You know better than that. You're a good girl. Are you going to be good tomorrow? Yeah, it's just so patronizing. Now, I do want to mention just because you said I was a leader from day one. This is also like your late. This is you love parenting. This was your thing. Okay. I'm lousy at a whole bunch of stuff, but I started volunteering in a daycare center and actually a couple of them and babysitting at 11 years old. I was always mothering everything. So this is my thing. I'm really bad at a whole bunch of stuff. This just happens to be my lane. I didn't know I was ever going to do this for a living at all. I actually thought I was going to be a child psychologist. They kicked me out after a week because I was asking too many questions. This is 40 years ago and what they were teaching was ridiculous. Just it was very patronizing and I said, I would never talk to a kid like that. So yeah, they got rid of me. So I realized thank God I never did that. I wouldn't have fit into that mold at all and I'm sure they've improved it and changed it by now or maybe it was just a bad teacher I had. But anyway, so yeah, I never expected to do this for a living. It was a passion thing. I just love kids. I was volunteering with kids for as long as I can remember. And then I ended up volunteering with troubled teenagers. I was always put the with the kids who have behavioral challenges. Even when I was a babysitter at like 12, 13 years old, they evidently I found out later that parents used to fight over me if they had really difficult kids. They would fight over me. We're going out this Saturday night. So we get in Lisa this Saturday because I was good at handling kids from a very young age, but I'm really bad at a whole bunch of other stuff. This is just my thing. I just wanted to sneak that in there just if it's someone's first time listening just in case. Yeah, because sometimes people will say to me because I come across as very don't know why, but very competent. But this is the only area that I'm really like that in. So, you know, and everyone you never want to take parenting advice from someone who struggled or found parenting difficult. It's experience based. You want someone who said, yeah, I wallowed in it. I always found it easy. That's where you want to take advice from. It's not something. You don't want to take advice from someone who learned the hard way with parenting. You want them to have gone right into it right from day one, kind of knowing what they're doing. Okay. Because it is the holy experience based. You don't want them to have to have messed up and cleaned up the mess and all that kind of stuff. Yeah. You want someone who just always found it easy and fun. Now, I think let's move on to teenagers. How much control do you let your teenagers have? A lot and like, okay, I'm going to read out my top five tips for parenting teenagers there. I just want to say before you start that I am sure there are some parents with maybe they've got like an 11, 12, 13 year old. They're listening and they just heard give them a lot of control. I'm sure they're, they're a little scared with that. Yeah. And the thing is that sometimes parents will say, well, she's nine going on 19. I go, no, she's not till she's 19. Then we'll talk. They're very good at masking and pretending to be older, but they're not. They're still mentally, emotionally, very, very young. So this is when they're about 13 boys, sometimes more like 14, 15, but usually girls start to mature a lot quicker. Okay. And these are my top five tips for parenting teenagers. It's a, it's just, they're all general, but they all apply to pretty much every single parent team relationship. Number one, you listen to understand and show empathy. You don't listen to gather information to lecture with or they will shut you out. If they want your advice, they'll ask for it. They already know it anyway. Okay. Number two, and this is the one that sparked this, this is you negotiate almost everything with teenagers. So this is the control. You want them to feel like they do have a say in how their life goes. It goes something like this. Hey, I want your dirty clothes in the hamper from now on. What do you want from me? Reciprocity, mutual respect. Ask. So you're not just, you're not just giving them control over their own life. You're also giving them control on how you parent do like, what do I do that drives you nuts? You know, and if you come at them in a really respectful way, they'll be really nice to you. They just will, but that takes time. If you've already got a damaged relationship with your teenager, that's not going to happen right away. It's going to take time. Okay. Number three, don't sweat the small stuff with teenagers. If they do something stupid, just say, well, that was stupid. Do you want to hear what I did when I was your age and laugh it off? Or do you want to hear what I did yesterday? It's okay to make mistakes. You're not perfect. They're not perfect. Life's messy. People are messy. It's okay if they make mistakes. Number four, don't leverage the good times to discuss the bad times. Often I'll teach parents how to get closer to their teenagers because they're at a real, you know, have a really difficult relationship with them. So then I say, do not discuss the bad times. Every so often one will slip through and say, well, they gave me the finger and they told, you know, they ran away. And I said, what'd you say? Nothing. And I'll say, what'd you come on? What'd you say? And they said, well, it's just so nice that we're spending this time together because you've been so challenging the last few years. They said, that was a compliment. I said, oh, geez, no, it's not. You were discussing the bad times. Exactly what I told you not to do. So and number five is you can be a right fighter or you can be happy. That could be said with pretty much anyone. But especially with teenagers, if they're arguing with you, even if they know they're wrong, they'll die on that hill. They're going to keep arguing. So you can be a right fighter. If you know you're right, they know you're right. You can keep arguing. They're not going to give in or you can just leave it alone. Just say, I'll tell you what, let's just talk about it later or let's just drop it. Okay. And do not add when you've calmed down. Okay. We'll talk about later when you've calmed down. A lot of parents can't help themselves. They want to throw that in. That's an accelerator. It's, uh, it's nasty. So yeah, avoid that. Those are my top five tips for parenting teenagers. They are my favorite age. And, um, by far, because they're the most interesting. They're the most complex, but you've got to give to get and with teenagers, lower your standards of what you expect. They are going to make mistakes just like you did. Okay. You want them to, while they're young and while they still respect you, they're not going to make big ones, by the way, because they're going to tell you everything. One of my kids once said, well, I could never get in trouble because I knew I was always going to tell you everything anyway. So kind of takes the edge off that. But yeah, if they respect you, then they tend to respect themselves too. So they tend to make better choices, but they're going to make some mistakes. Okay. Just like you do. That's okay. You'd be there for them and say, yeah, you know, I messed up too. What are we going to do about it? Right. I think that was the nice thing is that even when I did mess up because again, normal teenager, I made lots of mistakes, but I felt like I could come to you after and we could hash it out, talk it out and kind of come up with a resolution. Oh, I always had lots of stories about my mistakes too. So it's okay to, it's okay to not be perfect, by the way. A lot of parents talk about themselves as if they were perfect and big mistake. You want to look human. You want to look vulnerable. It's okay that you made mistakes too. By the way, if you commit a crime and ended up in jail or something, you might want to hold that until they're a bit older. You know, if it's just little stuff that teenagers do, tell them about it. Right. It's okay. It's okay to not be perfect. And I just want to make sure as I was listening, when we say, no, we say, when you were talking about the idea of teenagers having control, you're not talking about them doing illegal activities in the house and stuff like that. That's different. That's more crisis work. And I only deal with that in coaching. I call that crisis work. If they're into anything that's harming, okay? That's different. Can we talk about email that you were going to send out? She sends me some, not all, do you send me all the emails you're going to send out? Yes, I do. Oh, I hate going through them. Anyway, and they're almost all perfect, but I was reading one yesterday and I laughed out loud to myself. Now, I don't know if you relate to this or not, but I said, no one's going to know what she's enough kids yet. Right. I said, I said, as soon as I read it, I thought no kid would ever say this. Her example was your seven year old sees you come out of the bedroom and says, you're not going to wear that today. Are you? And seven year old cares what their parent is wearing. So anyway, and then I said, oh, it looks good because I don't want, if I start criticizing anything, I'm worried that she'll send me even more stuff. I didn't realize you were sending me everything already. Yeah. Anyways, just the newsletters cause I don't know. That's a, that's a big send out. I don't want to be. Well, she usually does like she, she writes them all right. And then she just sends them to me obviously just to look at, but I thought, do you have a seven year old who would care what you're wearing? Like they're so into themselves that they, that's something like maybe a husband might say or a wife might say. You're not going out and that are you, but a seven year old. But anyways, we were just laughing at that. And that's why I asked your opinion. No, let me rephrase that. I was just laughing at that. But yeah, it, you know, until you've had kids, it's very hard to really understand how self-absorbed they are. And they just start, doesn't mean they don't love you. They're just very self-absorbed teenagers, even almost more so. It's a lot of nuanced details. Yeah. I will say though, I feel like thanks to this podcast, I've learned a lot about the toddler years, especially. That's where most of our, I think most of our followers probably have toddlers, but most of my clients and coaching, they're not toddlers. It's usually older kids. But I do feel like, especially because you just hear so many scenarios. And if you're a toddler parent right now, I mean, I, a lot of these scenarios and questions that we get are a lot of repeats, not in a bad way, but it's just, I see a lot of the toddler parents dealing with the same things. In other words, you're not alone. It's not you, it's your kids. Toddlers are just going to do stuff. Okay. It's not your fault that your toddler is starting to do crazy stuff, but it is your responsibility to train them out of it by the time they're about three. Okay. Should we get into the parenting questions? Sure. So the first one is Haley from the United States. There's no age, but let's say it's around a toddler age. Should you offer choices as much as possible? Like, would you like the red cup or the green cup today? Or would you like the pink or yellow jacket? Or do you just decide for them? And if they don't like it, let them have a tantrum. I already kind of answered that. If they are combative, I'd probably just make the decision. But I do actually like them. I like to offer that. It's when they start getting combative is when I push backs. I'll give you an example. Let's say you have three cups. And I just did this with my granddaughter yesterday. Actually, I said, which, which cup would you like? She had like a blue one, a pink one, a green one. And she said, she said green, I think. And I said, okay, so I took the green cup out and then she goes, oh, blue. And I said, well, we've already got the green one out. So I didn't change it and she didn't have a fit over that or anything. So I do let her decide, but then when she changed her mind, it wasn't a big deal. You know, she didn't, I don't even think she really cared. But yeah, I do let them make decisions, but it's when they start getting out of control with them is when I pull it back. So she'd already chosen the green cup. So I said, no, we're doing green cups right here, darlin. So she just ended up using that. But oftentimes they see an opportunity to manipulate you. So if she had said, and she's, I'll be honest, she's pretty easy going, but let's say you have a child who is more naturally combative. Some of them are right and we're naturally combative. So you have a little one who says, no, a green cup or blue cup now. And then you give them a blue cup chances are they're going to want another one. So, you know, if they're, they're just testing you, right? They're just seeing how far they can go. So it just depends on their individual personality. They're all different, right? Some are more easy going, some are more combative and that's okay. Often the combative ones are going to be the leaders of tomorrow. Okay. That real strong willed personality. A lot of parents treat that like it's a bad thing. You know, once you redirect it into good things, a strong willed child, they usually really know what they want and they often don't give it up. They often have really good discipline and they're really strong and push through and what they want. So it can be a really good quality for tomorrow, but when they're a toddler can be a pain in the butt. But anyway, yeah, give them control unless they start abusing it and then you pull it back. Get on a power trip. They do. And you can understand why. Imagine if you're two years old and all of a sudden say, okay, you want this, you want that and then you've got all, no, I would just, they're sitting on their throne. I would choose the blue one. No, I would now I want the pink one. You know, it's a very powerful feeling for a tiny little human being tiny. Just imagine two. Imagine if you've only been in the world for two years in the first year, you're a potato laying on a mattress. They have no context of the world yet. They don't understand it yet. So imagine being able to control this person who's been controlling you for the last two years. All of a sudden you turn, you say the word no one, you see them start to get a little bit upset. And yeah, that's pretty powerful, right? There was this funny video I saw on social media. Again, I'm not a mom, but it sometimes pops up in my feed with your account. And it was a parent, they were getting breakfast ready for their toddler. And then as they were opening the banana, it accidentally cut in two. And they went, no, because the toddler does not like that. It's funny. I mean, but they're, they're cute as a button. Okay. And they're going to be difficult sometimes. You know, maybe not. I mean, but usually every single toddler will put you through something because they're going to try stuff. Okay. They're just going to give it a go, see if it works. Some of them, as soon as you say, no, they'll pull right back. Others will go in. They'll just go, ooh, no, that was fun. Let's see what I can do to you now. So yeah, they're all different, right? Let's get the beads of sweat going down the forehead. Look at that. Oh, they're shaking now. Woohoo. Okay. The next question is Noreen from Canada. How do you use the behavior board as a mom of a 17 month old and three and a half year old? My eldest cries, hits and yells whenever we say no on something. How do I put this on the chart? Strong resistance to bedtime and naps. Crying and saying no has nothing to do with the behavior board. That's just their reaction to you saying no. So yeah, that's their attitude. You never put attitude on the behavior board. Them screaming and yelling is them processing. You're saying no. Anyway, did they say they tried the behavior board or they're just asking about it? I think they're asking, how do you implement that? Okay. Well, look on the behavior board and start with a behavior yelling and screaming and crying is not a behavior. Okay. It's a reaction. It's just different. A bad behavior is hitting someone or not putting their shoes away when they come home. This is a three and a half year old. We're talking about 17 month old use consistent corrective actions, not the behavior board that starts at the age of three. Both ages are covered on that free behavior board because there's they're like two little mini courses, one for toddlers, one for three and above. So check that out. It should be pretty clear on the instructions there. But yeah, the yelling and screaming and tantrumming is not a behavior. It's a reaction to them not getting their own way and that's a different thing. That's attitude. You can't correct attitude. The attitude changes organically once you're a leader. Okay. They don't push. They don't yell and scream with a leader. They just don't, but you got to earn that. That takes time. Are your kids driving you nuts? They don't have to check out bratbusters.com for my bootcamp courses. If you want to learn how to become a leader. So you can go to bratbusters.com and you get access to the mini course when you sign up for the newsletter. Okay. The next question is Sarah from the United States. We have a 16 month old son when it's time for him to eat or get a sippy cup of milk and he can see us making food or getting milk carton out. He has a breakdown and starts crying and throwing what seems to be a tantrum. He's never had to wait on food or milk before. So I'm not sure where the panic or crying has come from, but it feels wrong to withhold these since there are needs and not wants until he's done crying. And the fit is over. We usually go about our normal steps and routine and do not rush or talk to him during the fit and offer him the food or milk at the regular pace we had. How do you not being crying? Is this the right way to go about it? I don't want him to learn that crying gets him what he wants, but he'll cry even though I was ready about to give it to him when I know he needs it. You're doing it right. Just follow through with what you need to do and he'll eventually learn that that's just the process. It's a habit. It's a routine. It's a structure and he'll just learn. Try not to look upset. Try and look slow and bored and boring. The more calm, that's how you look bored. That's how you look calm. Try to look sleepy and like nothing's bothering you. And yeah, you just, it's just what were you clicking your tongue at? No, just yawning as you're pouring the milk. Yeah, it's a casual. Yeah. No big deal here. So yeah, just and don't slow it down, but just go your normal pace. So you're doing it well. He's just hasn't adjusted to it yet. It doesn't happen overnight with little ones. He's still in the baby department. I say that toddlers start at 16 months and go up to 35 months. It's a gray area. Could be 16 to 18 months, but 16 months is when I start to teach them right from wrong. You know, and I'm not going to give into these, these demands. So yeah, just, just he'll learn. You might, you know what I would do too. If it's if he does get impatient, he has very low tolerance for waiting for anything. So I might just make a ritual of singing a song before I even bring him in the kitchen say, okay, so let's sing. I don't know. It's a bit. He's spider or something and then just make it a ritual. So you're singing to him while you're making the food. Maybe give that a go. But once he started screaming and yelling, you don't start singing then. Okay. And the next one is Ashleen from Canada. Sorry, I just want to interrupt for a minute. The reason why you do it beforehand is you're sort of setting the tone and the energy you're controlling it before it goes off the cliff. Okay. Once it's gone off the cliff, it's over anyway. You can't do anything about it, but you're trying to control it ahead of time. You're trying to get ahead of it. I always say that you want to be in control of the energy in the room, the narrative, the emotions. You kind of want to be in control of that and sounding sort of like singing and it's a very cheery kind of a, you know, it's a positive way to be. And they often lean into that more than the negative. Won't happen the first time. Going to take a while. Sorry, go on. Okay. We have Ashleen from Canada. So the child is 3.25 years old. My daughter started calling out in the middle of the night for cuddles. I don't know how to remedy the situation at bedtime. I often cuddle her to sleep, which I know has created a bad habit. She got a big girl bed last month and it's become a habit since then. How do I stop these overnight wakes and tantrums? I unfortunately give into her sleeping in her bed fairly often because we also have a five month old and it's easier to just go back to sleep in her bed. So I'm at least sleeping versus being up extra time. I know it's convenience on my end that is causing this, but now how do I change this habit? My infant's now sleeping better, but somehow my toddler who is keeping me up now help. So you know, you've trained her to do that. So the thing is you've gone for short term gain for long term pain. I go the other way around. You're probably going to have a rough night or two, but I would do the bed time battles. If you just check, I've got tons of videos on that. What you do is it's in two parts. The first part is how to get them in bed. The second part is how to keep them there, which is your problem. So let's say she gets out of bed and don't lay in bed with her because then that she doesn't learn how to put herself to sleep. You're, you're cuddling her to sleep. So when they do, they often wake up in the middle of the night, but she hasn't learned how to put herself to sleep because you're doing it for her. So then she, of course, she wants you because you put her to sleep at bedtime. So why would you be inconsistent? Not put her to sleep at two in the morning. You see, you've trained her that way. So what you want to do is pull that away. You always cuddle them and read books to them at bedtime. But then once you say, okay, lights out, good night, love you, don't get out of bed. The first time she gets out of bed, you walk her back to bed. You say, I said it's bedtime. Don't get out of bed. The second time you say one word, bedtime. Every time you walk her back, don't stand at her door, at her doorway. You go down the hall, whatever, let her walk a bit of a distance to get to you so that when you walk her back and walk back very slowly, you're not talking to her or anything. So the first two times, the first time you've just said, I said, it's bedtime. Don't get out of bed. The second time you say bedtime. Every time after that, you don't look at her or talk to her. You just calmly, slowly walk her back to bed. She may be kicking and screaming. You might have to pick her up and just put her in bed. You're very calm. Remember, you're not saying anything though. You've already communicated that it's bedtime, but you did build this. So it's going to be harder for her because you did train her that you will soothe her to sleep. So you've kind of made it harder for both of you, but you can undo that. So don't get upset with her. That's on you. So you can fix it. You made her that way. You can unmake her. Okay. You can teach her how to fall asleep on her own. She knows she's okay. You're right there. You're walking her back to bed. Don't be tempted to sit with her. She's three and a half almost. She can learn to put herself to sleep. The next one is Sarah from New Zealand. Daughter is 17 months old and is a Velcro baby and will cry in tantrum if she wants to be picked up and mom can't pick her up. So for example, making dinner. She'll push on my legs and crying saying up all she wants us to be picked up. Then sometimes she will fall over and bang her head, which means I'll stop what I'm doing and cuddle her. If dad tries to distract her, she will just come back crying. We have a kitchen helper, but she will stand on it crying until she's held. How am I best to handle this? So I'm not attempting everything one handed. So okay. I would set her up with something to do. I'd have a ritual. So if you're going to start cooking, I would have a ritual. Okay. It's time for and pull out something she doesn't normally see. She only sees it when you're going to be going to do the cooking or something and then have dad play with her. If she's trying to get to you, it's up to him to hold her back and say, no, mommy's busy. And then you don't even talk to her anything. You're busy cooking dinner. I got lots of methods for this by the way, but you got dad right there. So just have her have him deal with this and say, no, we're going to do this. She's going to kick and scream for a while. But if she's got something interesting to look at the odds are that will win eventually not the first two or three or four times, but probably after the first week of this, it should start to get better. She's got something to look at that she doesn't see any other time. It's only when you're cooking dinner. That's the goodie bag I talk about when you go grocery shopping. You have a goodie bag full of stuff for them to do while you're grocery shopping, but they only get it when you're grocery shopping. She only gets this goodie bag while you're cooking dinner, the cooking dinner, goodie bag, whatever you want to call it. You can start there. Then she'll be in the habit of not bothering you. So that won't, you won't need that forever. You won't need it when she's 17 years old. She's just little right now. Right. So yeah, just train her that that's the time when she has to entertain herself or play with dad. That's the lucky part. You got dad there. He shouldn't be, she shouldn't be coming in the kitchen. No, he can, he can play with her. Okay. The next one is Kate from the United States. My son is 16 months, throws tantrums when we don't let him drag us around by our clothing or finger. How do I teach him a nicer way to play to ask us to go somewhere? Well, I don't quite understand that. So he's tantrumming and trying to drag you or what would she say? So it's sounding as though they, he tantrums if he isn't allowed to drag them around by their clothing or finger. Let me think. So he wants to drag you around. You don't, okay. You can just say, no, I'm doing this now and look preoccupied and do something else, but kind of ignore him. Like he might want to get in the habit of saying no. And then you go over at the kitchen sink. You don't want to sit down somewhere. You're giving him too much access to you. So maybe just if you don't want to always be at his disposal, you just say, no, I'm going to go do the dishes or something. He will eventually learn. He can still go over and grab at you, but you're busy doing something else. So look like you're preoccupied. Don't just say no one walk, no walk away. He needs to be able to follow you, grab onto you while you're doing the dishes. He'll learn that you're busy. You got to do other stuff too. He'll learn. He has really little by the way. He's still kind of a baby. So you're in that gray area again. I hate giving definitive advice at 16 months old, but if you really want to train him out of that, he'll learn that when mom's busy at the kitchen sink, that is not a time when she, she can play. So have something where it's like a signal when I'm at the kitchen sink. I'm not going to play with you. Let him grab you. That's okay. That wasn't the same parent though. He said they'll throw themselves on the ground. That was the one that was 17 months old. That was why I said that's up to dad to hang onto that kid. If they do throw themselves on the ground and you don't have someone else around to deal with it, my answer would have been different. Cause you want to keep them safe. You want to keep them safe. Yeah. So I didn't forget about that. It's just dad was there. So it's different. Okay. We have one final question. So Alessandra from Brazil, how would you handle a four year old that cries every day that they do not want to go to school and ask why they have to go every single day for so many hours? I'm looking for a literal script from Lisa say, four year old who says they don't want to go to school. I'd wonder what's going on at school. First of all, that's the first thing I do. I'd say why not? And I'd try and find out maybe they don't have any friends there. Maybe, you know, I'll be honest. I would try and figure that out if they're like, if one of my kids had done that, I would know there'd be a reason. Okay. For sure. There would have been a reason. So I would be a detective and I would figure that out. If they just want to stay home because they don't want to follow rules and you don't have it. See, I had rules and structure at home. So when they went to kindy and preschool was like virtually the same thing almost right. So they had, they assimilated very well. Maybe your child just doesn't like structure and rules. So that could be a problem. If you get structure and rules at home, they're more likely to fit into school easier. But anyway, so four year old thing, I don't want to go to school. You've already assessed it. There's nothing going on. He just wants to get his own way. Do what he wants to do. He doesn't want to go to school and be told what to do. I'm going to go with that and say that's what it is. And he says, I don't want to, I don't want to go there and I would say, you know what? I have to go and do the laundry every day and I don't like doing that either. Sometimes we just got to do what we have to do. Okay. So I'm not really giving him an answer. I'm just telling him that life's like that. He can, he's four. He can start to understand that. It's a, yeah, I don't, I always sort of went like that. If my kids said something like, oh, something similar, like I don't like that. I say, yeah, I don't like paying taxes either. So was like, when I remember I complained to my mom, she was born during like raised during the depression and I mean way back, she was born 1922. So they didn't have any food or heating often, right? They were starving and all that. And it was three, was a widow was raising her mom was a widow of the data. Died young as anyway, it was horrible. So there was three young girls. My mom was the oldest one. So anyway, she, it was funny because whenever, and she was starving a lot of the time. So whenever I'd complain about something, I'd say, Oh, I hate it. When I break a nail and she go, yeah, that just reminds me of the time we had no food for two days and it's so similar. I can relate. You kind of got to sometimes just explain to them life's tough, you know. So then I'd laugh and I'd say, yeah, you're right, mom. Ha, ha, ha. So yeah, you got to sort of explain. Yeah, there's lots of things we don't like to do, but you got to do them anyway. One day you'll make friends and it'll be okay. I remember that. Yeah. You know, and, and then I remember also my kids, one of them would have been your brother, I think would have asked this. And he said, you know, mom, I don't think I'm ever going to use anything that we're learning in school, like, cause they teach us so much stuff, you know, and they know they're never going to use it. And I said, yeah, but they're teaching you discipline. They're teaching you structure, routine and how to learn. So it's just part of it. Right. So, but yeah. And he went, oh, okay. That makes sense. That was it. It was a very short conversation. Okay. Well, that was it for the questions. Okay. So do your kids have too much control? Like I said, you can give them a lot, but it's when they start running with it and abusing it. That's the problem. But I'll be honest. I gave my kids a lot of control probably in everything, but as soon as I got some pushback and I felt they were going to try and take advantage, that's when I would step in and say, no, we're just going to do it this way. And they were really good. They knew once mom said that now we're going to do it this way. They knew that was it. So yeah, you can see the power trip gleaming in their eyes. Yeah. When you can see it, who this could be good. I'm going to keep going with this. Yeah. So it's when they get disrespectful or manipulative, you know, or they slow down the process, like, oh, thank God, my kids have uniforms. What they wore to school was never an issue. They grew up with uniforms, not in high school when we moved to Canada, but before that in Australia, it was all uniforms. Fendt, all the parents just were thrilled with that. All the public schools, private schools, they all had uniforms. There was no arguments over what you're going to wear to school. I, oh, is this TMI? I may take this out of the podcast. We'll see if I leave this one in. I remember not liking our uniforms. Can you imagine why I may not have liked our uniforms as I got a little bit older? I would say nine or 10. I sweat right through those uniforms. The, the, the freaking pit stains, they were, I had a nice green that became a very dark green and it was just such a bright color. So I hated that. Yeah, I can see that because, and well, remember we were in Australia. Everyone had pit stains, by the way, but, and she was just very self-conscious about it, but everyone had pit stains over there. That's, that's part of life in Australia. You're all got pit stains. But yeah, uniforms are pretty great. But like I said, it's when they start to use it, you know, the difference when they're starting to be cheeky. No, I want that one. Then when you get them dressed, they go, no, I want the other outfit. That's when you step in and say, no, you're wearing that. You see, cause they know they're, they're manipulating you. So it's, it's control is good, but manipulation is bad. And so I did, I, I gave my kids control over a lot, but they didn't misuse it. If they had, I would have pulled back. I envision the word manipulate feels maybe rather heated for describing kids. Nope. Two year old can manipulate. Okay. Um, I, uh, which shirt do you want to wear? The blue one or the green one green? You put the green one on them, then they go, no blue. That's manipulation. They know you don't want to do that. They just know from like the age of two, they just get it. That is manipulation. Don't treat it like a some horrible, awful word. Well, I think that that's where people are coming from as they feel like you're saying manipulation equals evil. No, it doesn't. They're just learning how to work the system, but you've got to also learn that to identify that and think, well, no, cause they already chose it. And cut once they chose it, I, my kids knew once they chose something, they couldn't change their mind. So if we were in a rush, especially, I'd say, well, what, what shoes do you want to wear? Well, they usually only had one pair of shoes anyway, but if it was something where it was just, I'd say, which, what do you got? We got to get out. What do you, what shirt do you want to wear with it? But if they put a shirt on, there was no going back. Right. So I did give them control, but changing your mind, we don't have time for that. So, and they were really good because they knew that I'd said, no, we're going now, you're going to wear that. So you do want to give them control. It's when they abuse it is when you want to pull back and you know, you just know when they're abusing it, right? I think that's it. So do your kids have too much control? I think control is a good thing. It raises pride when used well, when used to manipulate and control your parents in a negative way, it brings out the worst in them. But control when used with respect brings out the best in them. So you've got to decide, are you bringing out the best in them or the worst in them? You know when they're acting good, you know when they're acting bad. So if that control is making them act bad, then pull it back. But if they're good and they're pride, look, I picked my own outfit and they're wearing it and they're going off and whatever they chose, that's good. You see, so it can be either way. There is no such thing as too much control or not enough control. Really. It's how is it used? And is it healthy control or not so much? Is that good? Good place to end. Perfect. Okay. So I will control the ending here by saying thanks so much for joining us. We'll be back again soon talking about another parenting topic. Happy parenting. Thanks for tuning in. 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